#im still scared of life
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"I want to tell you something."
Thomas speaks the words into the quiet of the kitchen. He stares down at the pot of water sitting on the stove. The burner has been lit, and the heat rises. Soon, the water will boil.
"And it's- it's something that I've thought for a long time now. Years. But I've never said anything."
The smallest of bubbles rise to the surface. Over his shoulder, Thomas can see Patton sitting at the bar.
"It's okay. Take your time," he says. His nose scrunches up as he smiles. His glasses reflect a scattering of kitchen light.
Thomas snorts. "I think years is enough time." He breaks a bundle of pasta in half, letting them fall gently into the steaming water. He adjusts the temperature, then shifts on his feet. "I've just...never said anything," he repeats.
"You don't have to say anything at all." Janus sits at the bar instead. He wears a frown, and he's leaned over the surface with his chin in a propped palm, but the patience in his gaze belays his bored demeanor. "If you don't want to, you don't have to. I certainly won't force you."
Want to? No.
Thomas shakes his head and stirs the pot. "I think I need to."
"Do you?" Logan sits at the bar. His arms are folded over his tie, but it's not an intimidating pose. It's careful. Considerate. "I'd like you to take a moment to 'check yourself before you wreck yourself', as they say. Is that how you use that phrase?"
Thomas rolls his eyes, and yet he's smiling. This is a heavy topic, but it's not constricting. He stirs the noodles easily and they begin to fold together like they were made to. "I'm okay. I don't need to think about it more. I'm not anxious, not really."
"Yeah?" And now it's Virgil sitting at the bar. He stops as if he had been caught in the middle of playing with the string of his hoodie. Then he smooths down the front of his clothes. No ruffles here. He nods. "Good. That's good. That's good, right?"
Thomas still smiles. "Yes, that's good." The pasta softens as it swirls around the water. Round and round it goes. When will it stop? Nobody knows.
"Well don't just keep me in suspense!" Remus slams his hand down on the bar. And then he does it again and again, maybe just to hear the smack, smack, smack. He's not grinning maniacally or anything. Just a quirk of his mustache. A glint in his eyes. A cocked brow. "You know I love a good tease... but this is playing too coy!"
Thomas heaves a huge sigh. "I guess I just..." He trails off. He knocks the spoon against the pot's rim to shake off the water. He sets it aside. "I just don't want this to change anything."
The warmth of the burner blankets his face. The stove vent thrums above his head, and distantly Thomas hears the air conditioner click on. A light sheen of perspiration beads across his face, but its not wholly unpleasant.
Would it be bad? If this did change anything?
Roman sits at the bar. His shoulders are low, like all the breath has left him. He watches Thomas calmly with sad eyes. "What have you got to lose?"
In the pot, the pasta swirls and swirls until it's ready.
"I love you," Thomas finally says, and he turns to look over his shoulder to find that it's himself who sits there.
The other him beams proudly. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"
Satisfied, Thomas flicks off the stove burner and drains the water in the sink. He stirs together noodles, hamburger meat, and red sauce, until its in perfect measures, just the way he likes it.
After making himself a plate, Thomas sits at the dining table. He is alone with himself, and he's alright with that.
#thomas sanders#sanders sides#virgil sanders#logan sanders#patton sanders#roman sanders#janus sanders#remus sanders#fanfiction#writing#inspired by an actual love confession#it might have been my love confession#casually just showing up to drop a random drabble#im still scared of life#but inspiration is never dead just sleeping
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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love Daniel during the vampire apocalypse. Akasha shows up at the vampire dinner table burning vampires left and right and he's like wow! I'm a part of this!! I can sit at the big adult vampire table! I am here with my maker and we will be together forever and ever!!
wonder if he’d been the same if he hadn’t been high on vampire birthday endorphins
#immortal idiot<3#probably slightly less giggly but guy who thrived locked up alone in a cellar for days (even while scared out of his mind)#and who thinks his maker is larger than life (not exactly) and will protect him no matter what (true)#would probably still have been vibing#daniel molloy#iwtv#devil's minion#tvc#qotd#sorry for rambling im lazy at work
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i love ford getting mad @ stan & accidentally triggering a flashback/bad memory recollection & that startling him enough for him to stop being angry
major wake up call. i love that man getting humbled





hmmmm yes i love it i'll take 20
bonus thing that happens Later

#in the life#my art#pheo doodles#gravity falls#stanley pines#stanford pines#yes thanks to the other anon who inspired the 'stan's fever gets too high so ford has to run a bath for him'#cuz in that last one stan is Kinda coming back from the delirium but still only vaguely aware#so his though process went like#'fuck fuck fuck its freezing gotta turn up the heater in my car- oh thats not a dial thats a hand. six fingers. ford?#he hasnt kept me company when im sick since we were kids. maybe we still are. maybe it was all a bad dream.'#also ford isnt rlly mad at stan here. hes losing it because stan was RECKLESS and it SCARED HIM#but uh. he doesnt show it very well#and they do look an awful lot like their pa dont they?
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sometimes when i like characters thisssss much i like drawing unnecessarily complicated comics of them having a normal ass conversation
#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls band together#king peppy#viva#poppy#HATE these guys#if you recognize the dialogue [smooches u] i liked it a lot and wanted to practice comic panelling so i drew it out too#doodling#they exchange leadin advice at the breakfast table but mostly its poppy kinda just taking in the Phenomenom of people in her life#Actually talking about their time at the troll tree bc when she asks for advice all vivas knowledge link back#to what peppy taught her back at bergentown#and peppy has the spine to not run away for once but he is still slightly kinda minorly scared of his eldest daughter#but. they make do.#i know most of these ended up kinda crude and its bc i rushed these but im really happy w poppys weird grimaces#i want to draw her more experiencing Emotions#ok. done yapping. remember okay. royal pop fam. ok. thank you. boops you#happy halloween (post not relevant at all)
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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I don't have a silly cheeky comment for this one besides it leans heavily on my headcanons and stuff on Grujaja. (that's how you know ur in the tranches for a character.)
^face of a guy that keeps hurtin his bonds w anyone close to him. Bonus doodles i made while drawing this that are semi related due to being tied to my Gr headcanons unda the cut lol:
#great god grove#ggg spoilers#ggg capochin#ggg grujaja#ggg gr#ggg hector#<- in the readmore lol#Capo is so used to my Grujaja just quietly doing what he asks even after the bizzyboys dissolve it throws him through a loop when told no#<- this is a fact ive drawn in past images. i did that on purpose. Grujaja doing what he's told no hesitation or input#spent 3/4s of his life following these guys and not having his own personal hobbies. or having many personal items. it was his life#devoted to a cause and what it stood for because to him it saved his life meanwhile its just another festering wound.#capo is also drunk and girlrotting#capo lashing out at things and going too far fans where are u im right here#also please note the use of “kid” to a 40 year old man.#Capo still seeing gr as a small scared kid despite it being 33 years later#and getting the smack in the face this guy is a more mature adult than he is#because capo straight up broke the one thing Gruja wore on him he really cared about and instead on attacking that man he just gets up#and walks away#i cope with my evil images by drawing tiny gr because he brings me joy lol. little animal.#anyeay sorry guys for the insanity sometimes it controls me like a puppet to commit crimes and heavy headcanoning
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fem all might jumpscare 💥💥
ermmm haha posting mha now?!?!?? there is something about this soggy man that makes me lose it I H8 HIM (no i dont he is my little 7'3 sunflower ❤️🌻)
#mha#my hero academia#bnha#boku no hero academia#mha fanart#all might#toshinori yagi#small might#mha toshinori#mha genderbend#my baby my baby... <3#my shayla my shayla <3#he has done irreversible damage to my brain#i did not abandon kny... it's just getting a little dry#kinda scared bc im already spoiled 4 life on mha's ending but 🙊🙉🙈#i still love rengiyuu w all my heart and i will be back on the grind l8r!!!!!!#I WILL LEARN HOW TO DRAW SUPER BIG MUSCLES JUST 4 HIM 💪💪💪💪💪💪#all might is so girl failure if you think abt it 🤷♀️
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[NINJAGO LEAKS DR S3P2, talking about jay/rogue]
jay rogue walker is better than me because if i lost my entire identity and memory and didnt even know if my name was actually real and got for years manipulated and lied to and the people who got me kicked out and kept switching back and forth from being seemingly nice to hating me for every little thing then commissioned me a job, then wanted me to risk my literal soul which is fucked up already from the other guy to save people we werent there for just to not save anyone but the targets anyway, and then go do that again??? and then they get mad at me for not wanting to risk my life for something i never wanted to be a part of?????? yeah id murder them all honestly
#ninjago leaks#ninjago spoilers#ninjago dr s3p2#WHY ARE THE NINJA ACTING LIKE HIS SOUL BEING SHATTERED AND THE MEMORY LOSS ARE AN INCONVENIENCE TO THEM AND LIKE JAY ISNT A LITERAL STRANGER#TO THEM NOW#jay had every fucking right to walk away especially after everyone treated him like shit#is he mean and slightly cruel and very inept at social interaction? yeah in his words#he still did for arin in maybe a week what the entire team couldn't do for literal years#like theyre pissing me off so badly theyre giving him no fucking grace#its the exact conflict i predicted that the ninja are doing the exact same thing admin and ras did to him And Jay Calls It Out#like dont get me wrong i love it as a writing choice but im gonna be fucking pissed if the writers make jay to be in the wrong#THEYRE FALLING FOR THE FACADE JAYS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE PEOPLE AND THE TOUCHING AND FUCKING SCARED OF DYING#HES NOT THE JAY THAT SURVIVED DAYS SLASH WEEKS OF TORTURE LOST EVERYONE TWICE AND SINGLEHANDEDLY SAVED THE WORLD TWICE#and what pisses me off is that its literally the season/part focused on taking accountability for shit like that but naur lets all treat jay#like shit because he magically didnt turn his memory button back on the moment he laid eyes on them#AFTER LITERAL YEARS OF TRYING TO LIVE HIS LIFE#i need episodes 19 and 20 NOE#NOW#*#so much empathy and grace has been given to Literally Every Character this season except for jay BY THE CHARACTERS
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"Omg how do you run in public i'm too embarrassed" 2 sports bras + accepting that my body bounces when i run + making eye contact with people who stare at me and embarrassing them back + overcoming the part of me that dictates my life based on how I look instead of what I want to do. Take my hand ✋️ and do it fat.
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"so what did you do this summer?"
i. uh. I recreated the ending cutscene of half life alyx as a visual novel in ren'py ....
it was a really cool project through! I learned a lot and am really proud of the result! I even made the G-Man sprites in S2FM (by playing his in-game animations frame by frame and rendering some stills I liked haha)
here's some screeshots!
#half life#half life alyx#spoilers#idk. just in case lol#gman#renpy#artemis rambles#when i showed the finished thing to my friend she said i should release it publically. idk tho im too scared :')#maybe ill do it though if there is any interest in it and after doing some more polishing and stuff#i even put in the voicelines for the dialogue and videos as backgrounds and flavor text and small dialogue options!!#they dont really change the course of the game but they are still fun#i even added the post credits scene! and i put in background music and i made the main menu look like the half life 2 main menu#the menu even has the half life sfx!!!!!!#as i said it was super fun... technically it counts as a fan game right? i guess i made a half life alyx fan game lol
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Christmas taking me tf out rn ok
#traced the stupid shoulder armor things in that one drawing btw because i hate them#THOSE SHOULDER THINGS BE SO HARD TO DRAW. NEVERRR BRO IM NEVER DOIN IT RIGHT#FUGHTIG FOR MY LIFE#ninjago#ninjago au#Nindroid Junction#<— like 2 of tjem are NJ but its still there#zane julien#zane ninjago#general cryptor#ninjago cryptor#echo zane#echo ninjago#nya smith#nya ninjago#Ninjago self insert#ninjasona#SIGHH. I gotta type his name don’t i#Jack garmadon#EUEUGH#im trying ok but IMSVAEEDDD IM SCARED hes literally just a hand but im still dying#doodles of the stars#shitposts of the stars#starry shipping#selfship
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sketchbook sillies
#took these in the dark . can u tell . i know u can (they look like shiart im sory)#i can draw javi with my eyes closed + studying him is easy and fun so i tend to draw him a lot. plus he comforts me. i’m sorry kieran i miss#u so bad and i want to draw u lots but i don’t have the strength to look at ur in-game model as much as javier’s …….. :(#i promise i’ll study him soon so i can get the hang of him again#still slowly trying to get back in the swing of things since getting out of the hospital … life is so odd for me right now :/ anyway …#i promise i’m going to get to the things in my inbox as fast as possible im just … a slow person ….. and im so tired ….. please be patient#with me ….. thank u very much to everyone who said anything to me tho i look at them and smile every day even tho i dont have the energy to#do anything with them outright yet :]#anyway … my pookies … trying to make drawing fun again and practicing so slow …. i’m scared of burnout bad#i miss them so bad#javieran save me … save me ………….#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#image#art#hero draws sometimes#putting the art in shart with these i’m ngl but im just trying to have fun again :(
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Thinking of vlr Akane is so conflicting cuz on one hand I’m so upset that she doesn’t ever get a moment to just rest and enjoy being alive again I’m upset that she just gets deeper and deeper into this role she’s built for herself and she loses her humanity and will never ever be that girl who died in the incinerator. But on the other hand, I need her to get so, so much worse I need her to be so obsessed with perfection she has this unique ability to change the course of history and she will burn everything and everyone to the ground in the blink of an eye if it means she can "reset" and get a perfect timeline and I desperately need her to never be satisfied with anything because really, is there anything that’s worth all the damage she’s caused?
#zero escape#akane kurashiki#virtues last reward#yeahhhhh just having so many thoughts about akane and sigma and junpei and yeah im screaming eyes bloodshot#i want akane to just like post 999 just do silly shit with aoi get a cat be a gamer try to heal the best she can#and i want her to be so evil i think theres still some crimes she hasnt committed yet she should do those#i really really really want her and junpei to just beat the shit out of each other in a boxing ring. specifically post vlr#need them being old as shit throwing chairs everyone is cheering#and damn like vlr akane just cant agree with junpei on his philosophy that a life with pain is still a life worth living cuz then thatd mean#everything she did in 999 was all for naught like to accept even the bad timelines where she died as valuable...#thats a kick to the dick especially when she fought so hard to live and how her death was so unfair#except she was just a scared kid with no choice then. now whats her excuse#i just want it to be possible you know? possible that akane didnt need to do this and she couldve been happy#cuz yeah the trauma would be horrible but surely itd be better than the trauma she has now since she took that dive#i wonder if she knows that no matter what she does she’ll never erase her trauma and eventually she will have to face it#or if she actually believes she can figure it all out and win the perfect timeline and magical mental stability will happen#basically akane is avoiding therapy soooooo hard but then again who would even be her therapist#no one can possibly understand her...right?
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Because his inner monologues really are just. So long. And I think it's important to show how much this guy thinks in order to say "not quite".
#my characters#also it is worth pointing out that piero does just make fire ! like a superpower!#and the time he set his ex on fire was ACTUALLY before they dated and it was because she was hired to kill him#but she used her cult like popularity to surround him and he got really scared bc he doesnt really wanna die#so he just meant to send a warning flare type thing ? but it was much more extreme than intended#and she got burnt while one of the followers died#and she then was like well now i dont want him dead cause HE CAN BE OF SO MUCH USE and then#manipulated him and lied and betrayed him and started to date him but without meaning it#so he was naive and thought maybe someone finally didnt hate him for his powers and then oops!#shes just using him and so he leaves one day and the entire cult holds it against him for making life harder for her#and also she has some power over time in the sense she can halt time and walk by people unnoticed#then release time and no one notices#except she does it so much to piero that he slowly builds a tolerance to it and thats actually when he overhears her#commenting on how useful he is but how annoying he is and how much she has to put up with him#and unfortunately for piero shes also the only person he can think of that might be able to do something#about langdon and getting him back home cause hes from earth#and they are very much not on earth#but its not completely an isekai type plot in the sense that langdon didnt die and get reincarnated#he just simply popped up in another dimension#that part of the plot hasnt actually been decided on the hows#but the ex gf and cult leader does help langdon get back home !#hi i love my ocs a lot im sorry that even with the fact i love them i cant sit still#on which ocs i will draw for#im still constantly thinking about the death dimension group and also oifil and also like 10 other plots#but still yeah ok so him acknowledging he doesnt like being lied to is due to the ex he needs to get to help them which is why#he thinks about it very clearly - hes about to go try to request help from someone who spent YEARS lying to him
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Thinking about The Golden Raven has me feeling like a prey animal
#im scared and my anxiety is through the roof lmao#it's just a book!! about a character ive loved for like 9 years and want to be loved and happy and healthy no big deal!!#godddd#still cant believe Nora graced us with jeans story after all these years#i owe you my life nora!#aftg#tsc#all for the game#the sunshine court#jean moreau#jeremy knox
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