#im still scared of life
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"I want to tell you something."
Thomas speaks the words into the quiet of the kitchen. He stares down at the pot of water sitting on the stove. The burner has been lit, and the heat rises. Soon, the water will boil.
"And it's- it's something that I've thought for a long time now. Years. But I've never said anything."
The smallest of bubbles rise to the surface. Over his shoulder, Thomas can see Patton sitting at the bar.
"It's okay. Take your time," he says. His nose scrunches up as he smiles. His glasses reflect a scattering of kitchen light.
Thomas snorts. "I think years is enough time." He breaks a bundle of pasta in half, letting them fall gently into the steaming water. He adjusts the temperature, then shifts on his feet. "I've just...never said anything," he repeats.
"You don't have to say anything at all." Janus sits at the bar instead. He wears a frown, and he's leaned over the surface with his chin in a propped palm, but the patience in his gaze belays his bored demeanor. "If you don't want to, you don't have to. I certainly won't force you."
Want to? No.
Thomas shakes his head and stirs the pot. "I think I need to."
"Do you?" Logan sits at the bar. His arms are folded over his tie, but it's not an intimidating pose. It's careful. Considerate. "I'd like you to take a moment to 'check yourself before you wreck yourself', as they say. Is that how you use that phrase?"
Thomas rolls his eyes, and yet he's smiling. This is a heavy topic, but it's not constricting. He stirs the noodles easily and they begin to fold together like they were made to. "I'm okay. I don't need to think about it more. I'm not anxious, not really."
"Yeah?" And now it's Virgil sitting at the bar. He stops as if he had been caught in the middle of playing with the string of his hoodie. Then he smooths down the front of his clothes. No ruffles here. He nods. "Good. That's good. That's good, right?"
Thomas still smiles. "Yes, that's good." The pasta softens as it swirls around the water. Round and round it goes. When will it stop? Nobody knows.
"Well don't just keep me in suspense!" Remus slams his hand down on the bar. And then he does it again and again, maybe just to hear the smack, smack, smack. He's not grinning maniacally or anything. Just a quirk of his mustache. A glint in his eyes. A cocked brow. "You know I love a good tease... but this is playing too coy!"
Thomas heaves a huge sigh. "I guess I just..." He trails off. He knocks the spoon against the pot's rim to shake off the water. He sets it aside. "I just don't want this to change anything."
The warmth of the burner blankets his face. The stove vent thrums above his head, and distantly Thomas hears the air conditioner click on. A light sheen of perspiration beads across his face, but its not wholly unpleasant.
Would it be bad? If this did change anything?
Roman sits at the bar. His shoulders are low, like all the breath has left him. He watches Thomas calmly with sad eyes. "What have you got to lose?"
In the pot, the pasta swirls and swirls until it's ready.
"I love you," Thomas finally says, and he turns to look over his shoulder to find that it's himself who sits there.
The other him beams proudly. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"
Satisfied, Thomas flicks off the stove burner and drains the water in the sink. He stirs together noodles, hamburger meat, and red sauce, until its in perfect measures, just the way he likes it.
After making himself a plate, Thomas sits at the dining table. He is alone with himself, and he's alright with that.
#thomas sanders#sanders sides#virgil sanders#logan sanders#patton sanders#roman sanders#janus sanders#remus sanders#fanfiction#writing#inspired by an actual love confession#it might have been my love confession#casually just showing up to drop a random drabble#im still scared of life#but inspiration is never dead just sleeping
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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doodles (as i avoid work) of the super awesome you wouldn't like me alive fic by @ectoplasmranch which i binge read in a 7 hour sitting yesterday
#🧻 sharts#danny phantom#danny fenton#dash baxter#i aint tagging everyone else. jazz was the most fun to doodle though#figuring out their faces was . hm. it was a moment. i hope i made jazz and danny look related enough HAHA probably not. i wanted jazz and#him to have the same eyes its just jazz still looks like a normal girl and danny looks like he's lost all zest and life for the world#like shit man if someone looked at me like that in the highschool hallway id be scared too i dont blame you dash#UGH DASH IS LIKE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER TO DRAW FOR THIS FIC. i love it so much. i love me a shitty guy turned nice#elderich horror danny is cool. im tag rambling now. my bad#this fic has a bit of a death grip on me. i need to be normal and go to bed#ALSO I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRAW TUCKER IM SO SORRY. HIS HAT. IT PAINS ME#anyway uhhh if u like danny phantom read dis fic? pretty please? for me? its at 127k words atm so. if youve got a day to spare#(dont be like i me i fucked up my eyes binge reading it LMFAO. be smarter)#guess ill die (danphantom)
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Princess and the Frog Turtle AU 🐢👑
#apparently it's been MORE THAN A YEAR??? since i've posted to tumblr?!?!#what up i guess#i'd forgotten i had a blog tbh#i made this art for the ML Once Upon zine uhhhh last year#also i have no idea what's going on with ml these days#i still need to watch the ENTIRETY of season 5#and i don't even know what's going on with the movie stuff idk im scared man#my life update is that im now 30 flirty and thriving#mlb#mlb fanart#celdraws#celerydays#miraculous ladybug#miraculous fanart#alya cesaire#nino lahiffe
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i drew this like a month ago and i am TERRIFIED to post anything on here but ive been convinced
#joshua graham#edward sallow#sallowgraham#im so fucking scared to post man i think i might actually cry#fallout new vegas#fallout#fnv#caesar fnv#fucking wild this thing has become my magnum opus.#im miserable#everyday i rethink the actions ive taken that have lead me to the point i am in life now#i feel like this is to blame for most of the bad things that have happened to me in the past few months#my legacy is nikocado sallowgraham#and i dont think i can ever recover from that.#my life is ruined. i am an artist forever haunted by his past.#anyway i still let out a giggle everytime i see someone reblog this again#i take it back i NO LONGER giggle whenever i see someone reblog this.#i hate it. this thing is a MONSTER.
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i love ford getting mad @ stan & accidentally triggering a flashback/bad memory recollection & that startling him enough for him to stop being angry
major wake up call. i love that man getting humbled
hmmmm yes i love it i'll take 20
bonus thing that happens Later
#in the life#my art#pheo doodles#gravity falls#stanley pines#stanford pines#yes thanks to the other anon who inspired the 'stan's fever gets too high so ford has to run a bath for him'#cuz in that last one stan is Kinda coming back from the delirium but still only vaguely aware#so his though process went like#'fuck fuck fuck its freezing gotta turn up the heater in my car- oh thats not a dial thats a hand. six fingers. ford?#he hasnt kept me company when im sick since we were kids. maybe we still are. maybe it was all a bad dream.'#also ford isnt rlly mad at stan here. hes losing it because stan was RECKLESS and it SCARED HIM#but uh. he doesnt show it very well#and they do look an awful lot like their pa dont they?
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sometimes when i like characters thisssss much i like drawing unnecessarily complicated comics of them having a normal ass conversation
#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls band together#king peppy#viva#poppy#HATE these guys#if you recognize the dialogue [smooches u] i liked it a lot and wanted to practice comic panelling so i drew it out too#doodling#they exchange leadin advice at the breakfast table but mostly its poppy kinda just taking in the Phenomenom of people in her life#Actually talking about their time at the troll tree bc when she asks for advice all vivas knowledge link back#to what peppy taught her back at bergentown#and peppy has the spine to not run away for once but he is still slightly kinda minorly scared of his eldest daughter#but. they make do.#i know most of these ended up kinda crude and its bc i rushed these but im really happy w poppys weird grimaces#i want to draw her more experiencing Emotions#ok. done yapping. remember okay. royal pop fam. ok. thank you. boops you#happy halloween (post not relevant at all)
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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"so what did you do this summer?"
i. uh. I recreated the ending cutscene of half life alyx as a visual novel in ren'py ....
it was a really cool project through! I learned a lot and am really proud of the result! I even made the G-Man sprites in S2FM (by playing his in-game animations frame by frame and rendering some stills I liked haha)
here's some screeshots!
#half life#half life alyx#spoilers#idk. just in case lol#gman#renpy#artemis rambles#when i showed the finished thing to my friend she said i should release it publically. idk tho im too scared :')#maybe ill do it though if there is any interest in it and after doing some more polishing and stuff#i even put in the voicelines for the dialogue and videos as backgrounds and flavor text and small dialogue options!!#they dont really change the course of the game but they are still fun#i even added the post credits scene! and i put in background music and i made the main menu look like the half life 2 main menu#the menu even has the half life sfx!!!!!!#as i said it was super fun... technically it counts as a fan game right? i guess i made a half life alyx fan game lol
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sketchbook sillies
#took these in the dark . can u tell . i know u can (they look like shiart im sory)#i can draw javi with my eyes closed + studying him is easy and fun so i tend to draw him a lot. plus he comforts me. i’m sorry kieran i miss#u so bad and i want to draw u lots but i don’t have the strength to look at ur in-game model as much as javier’s …….. :(#i promise i’ll study him soon so i can get the hang of him again#still slowly trying to get back in the swing of things since getting out of the hospital … life is so odd for me right now :/ anyway …#i promise i’m going to get to the things in my inbox as fast as possible im just … a slow person ….. and im so tired ….. please be patient#with me ….. thank u very much to everyone who said anything to me tho i look at them and smile every day even tho i dont have the energy to#do anything with them outright yet :]#anyway … my pookies … trying to make drawing fun again and practicing so slow …. i’m scared of burnout bad#i miss them so bad#javieran save me … save me ………….#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#image#art#hero draws sometimes#putting the art in shart with these i’m ngl but im just trying to have fun again :(
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Do you have anything you've been thinking on but just haven't made a post about it yet? Also I'm really enjoying your fic!
I have a few things but it's likely mostly headcanons that I consider somewhat disconnected from my analysis.
Curly's parents had him old, only child, died shortly after he graduated and got the pony express position. It was the last big thing they saw him do which is a reason he stayed for so long.
Doesn't admit how much their death affected him
Jimmy has a largish family. One of the cases of too many kids to keep tract of, parent never really noticed any of them nor their behaviors
Anya lived in a lot of houses growing up, regular supportive family that just struggled to support themselves.
Became a nurse largely to avoid their financial struggles but mostly because she felt too many people weren't being cared for and advocated for in the world properly
Swansea likes high top sneakers most. Likes how snug they fit and how they shield his ankles at work
Curly has a bit of a caffeine problem since he can’t sleep. Can occasionally be found wandering the ship at “night” when he had some too late or just couldn’t sleep.
Daisuke knows a little about a lot of things. Starts conversations with “did you know” a lot but please don’t ask him deeper questions
Curly has known Jimmy longer but has worked with Anya and Swansea longer, met them during his middle years, met Jimmy shortly before college.
Swansea rents a house, Daisuke’s family lives in a big nice apartment, Curly has a condo, Anya live in a small one bedroom apartment and Jimmy has a studio.
Curly's home is very disconcerting. It's too normal to a like uncanny degree.
Anya is ambidextrous but prefers her left.
Anya and Curly are both not native English speakers so occasionally they forget words and bond over the mutual mocking they get from the rest of the crew. Daisuke knows some Japanese but is still learning, never picked it up as a kid
Only Swansea and Daisuke know how to drive, Earth in my mind is very post capitalist so only older people and like the extremely wealthy can afford cars.
It's also like walkable just due to how many businesses are in your face. Probably strict living vs shopping districts
I have more but the way that I headcanon about them is like too long.
#im still trying to figure out voiceclaims like I think Curly is the most generic lost his accent his accent like swedish or eastern european#guy cause he was raised by old immigrants and anya never had a thick accent but she talks with the cadence of one shes like slavic and east#asian to me. Swansea at most is like irish or italian but just an old white guy and Jimmy just has a bit of olivish skin like hes just whit#i think people should make them all weirder too like I think Anya loves showing the fucked up diagrams and pictures from premed and everyon#has to nod and act super supportive and not horrified cause Anya thats a guy with his leg broken in seven places it is not facinating to th#rest of the crew but she loves it cause fyi to go to med school you have to pass pre-med she has a BA if not a BS in nursing or bio atleast#Swansea randomly talks about shoe politics and its like hes talking about regular politics. Curly doesn't sleep walk but he pauses at weird#times or places and will just stand leave and not tell anyone anything cause even he forgot#Jimmy is himself ig and Daisuke always has some media drama they are too old for to get invested in and teach them about youth slang Anya#kinda gets it#also i think people make Curly and Jimmy way too old? Like In my mind Curly is sorta his late 20s- early 30s like he's in the settling#part of his life hence the fear about settling here anya is likel mid 20s to 30 cause she at least finished college we dont have the years#of how long shes been working and maybe Jimmy is just a bit older and feels weird envy about missing that introspection Curly is having.#Daisuke is like 19-22 in my mind like hes an adult but a kid by their standards#like Curly was recruited and its much easier to get younger people plus getting someone young is a good investment like they either got him#right after school and its like all he's known and it scares him#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#ask#anon
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folie reignited my love for him 🥺❤️ sorry i just had to doodle some stuff of us
#fictional other art#self shipping art#self ship art#self shipping#self insert#arthur#arthur fleck#puttin it in his main tag cause im scared this is gonna flop otherwise 💀 tho if it still does flop uuh ey ''thats life'' i guess *is booed*#gonna be seeing the movie again on tuesday the more i think about it the more i actually appreciate it... as sad as it also make me feel#my art#my post
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Thinking of vlr Akane is so conflicting cuz on one hand I’m so upset that she doesn’t ever get a moment to just rest and enjoy being alive again I’m upset that she just gets deeper and deeper into this role she’s built for herself and she loses her humanity and will never ever be that girl who died in the incinerator. But on the other hand, I need her to get so, so much worse I need her to be so obsessed with perfection she has this unique ability to change the course of history and she will burn everything and everyone to the ground in the blink of an eye if it means she can "reset" and get a perfect timeline and I desperately need her to never be satisfied with anything because really, is there anything that’s worth all the damage she’s caused?
#zero escape#akane kurashiki#virtues last reward#yeahhhhh just having so many thoughts about akane and sigma and junpei and yeah im screaming eyes bloodshot#i want akane to just like post 999 just do silly shit with aoi get a cat be a gamer try to heal the best she can#and i want her to be so evil i think theres still some crimes she hasnt committed yet she should do those#i really really really want her and junpei to just beat the shit out of each other in a boxing ring. specifically post vlr#need them being old as shit throwing chairs everyone is cheering#and damn like vlr akane just cant agree with junpei on his philosophy that a life with pain is still a life worth living cuz then thatd mean#everything she did in 999 was all for naught like to accept even the bad timelines where she died as valuable...#thats a kick to the dick especially when she fought so hard to live and how her death was so unfair#except she was just a scared kid with no choice then. now whats her excuse#i just want it to be possible you know? possible that akane didnt need to do this and she couldve been happy#cuz yeah the trauma would be horrible but surely itd be better than the trauma she has now since she took that dive#i wonder if she knows that no matter what she does she’ll never erase her trauma and eventually she will have to face it#or if she actually believes she can figure it all out and win the perfect timeline and magical mental stability will happen#basically akane is avoiding therapy soooooo hard but then again who would even be her therapist#no one can possibly understand her...right?
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Cannot stop thinking about Ruby and how brutally Klaasje fucks her over despite everyone in Martinaise's clear affection for her. How everyone seems to like Ruby and her 'gruff charm,' how she gets passionate about radio technology and loves movies from the 20s, likes 'a beer on the beach to watch the sunset'. She's an 'old lady whisperer,' Isobel likes her and even defends her, the
Hardie boys are clearly very fond of her. Even when you're being blasted by her pale latitude compressor, it's hard not to like her at least a bit. She tested it on herself first! The Half-Light reaction of sympathetic fear to Klaasje's accusations, and then Drama cutting in to point out that the fear isn't to do with Ruby, it's the fear of being arrested that Klaasje is feeling. Her first response, out of fear of the RCM and the Moralintern, is to use the presumed biases and homophobia of these RCM officers as leverage to pin the blame on Ruby, even as nearly every other scrap of information you can collect describing Ruby's personality contradicts it.
#ruby the instigator#disco elysium#idk half finished thoughts bc im still fuzzy from yesterdays migraine but#like no one in this game is a totally good person ofc and she's scared for her life if she gets arreste#but fuck man#that really got to me#leveraging Ruby's drinking to make her sound out of control and scary too like AUGH#this game has some interesting things to say about societal biases towards addicts and people who drink#and it shows just how shit-scared klaasje is too to use the 'scary drunk dyke' thing to claw her way to safety#something something it all comes back to the evils of moralism#klaasje amandou#DE rambling
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Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,
#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight#but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier#and i mean yeah#.....#i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw#so funny how i thought i was bi#I'm just really into women...#my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment”#we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we#can really understand#im not into men because you know#im a lesbian#had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared#turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things#i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :)#i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again#but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol#funny how love can be so complicated sometimes#i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh#it was better for us#hehe
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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