#cuz yeah the trauma would be horrible but surely itd be better than the trauma she has now since she took that dive

[hecksupremechips]

Thinking of vlr Akane is so conflicting cuz on one hand I’m so upset that she doesn’t ever get a moment to just rest and enjoy being alive again I’m upset that she just gets deeper and deeper into this role she’s built for herself and she loses her humanity and will never ever be that girl who died in the incinerator. But on the other hand, I need her to get so, so much worse I need her to be so obsessed with perfection she has this unique ability to change the course of history and she will burn everything and everyone to the ground in the blink of an eye if it means she can "reset" and get a perfect timeline and I desperately need her to never be satisfied with anything because really, is there anything that’s worth all the damage she’s caused?

[rotting-charm]

ive been feeling uncomfortable around people. m not really. i think she understands me a lot. i like her but im not sure if she feels the way i do about him, itd be awkward, i always feel bad about even thinking im something important to people. b is there, to be honest i forget about everyone. im too busy with my own mind. its just cuz im around people i exist for them, or they exist for me. i have trouble talking about how i feel with people, unless its like this, public, free, with no destiny or destinatary. its just for me, if someone happens to read it, fine i guess. idc. b complains and get mad at me for not telling them about how i feel. i just cant. its too hard. i wouldnt even know how to talk or start explaining myself. i think i have never done that. i dont do stuff if i feel it has no meaning, talking to him about it is just that, talking, it doesnt solve anything, i dont want him to feel bad, pity or worry about me, itd make me even more miserable. itd make me feel more annoying and taking up too much space. i dont like to feel like im a burden. a invited me to her birthday party, i dont know why, like, we dont know each other much or have shared intimately to like say they want me there to celebrate, unlike m, i think i have shared by far a lot more. i should have said no. theres going to be people doing drugs there, i fucking hate it. i even bought beer, i fucking hate beer. it tastes horrible. it hasnt been good social or sensory days. i get anxious, awkward and avoidant. i left without saying goodbye, again. i feel even more odd than i already am. i get a knot on mythroat. this isnt a good idea. i dont know why i said yes. because i like them? i wanted to know her better? a lot of friends are going to be there? i wanted to give them a gift? maybe theres going to be like 30 people in there and im assuming my position in other peoples lives again. i hate that shit. i feel pointless and meaningless and just diminute. i. ive been more sad and disregulated than usual, maybe i should take my meds again. i hope i dont get an attack, meltdown or shutdown tomorrow. its job day so ill probably be tired. why i said yes. i didnt want to dissapoint? if i think about it i still dont get it. why would anyone want me there? even considering said before, she wants to know me? its just a party? they like me? they trust me? I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO WEEKS, I KNOW ITS BEEN MONTHS BUT WHY WHY WHY it kills me to not have answers to not make sense, even if my thoughts are poisoned by my insecurities, depression, trauma and whatever. yeah, maybe its a lil late but i shouldnt be down this spiral. im gonna try again as earlier: im going to sleep to see if the pain in me just passes.