#im so scared of everything. sigh
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i wonder what my soulmate is doing right now.
maybe they're asleep. lonely without anyone to hold them. maybe they are being held, by some temporary fling before we meet and i sweep them off their feet. maybe they're thinking about me too. maybe they're dreaming about me, as some sort of fated appearance, or as some faceless future partner. i wonder if their heart burns this badly when they think of me.
maybe they're just relaxing and doing something they enjoy. i wonder what their hobbies are? i wish i could know in advance so that i could get into all of them too. i'd memorize all of their favourite activities and interests just so that they could love every second we spend together! and of course i'd get the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts. ahh, it'd be hard not to get too nervous and just *ask* what the perfect gift would be... i think i'd die if i ever disappointed you, soulmate.
maybe they're sad or angry or stressed. what comfort do you prefer, sweetie? i want to try everything and see exactly how you react. i hate thinking of you upset, but the thought of being the one to make you feel better is too enticing. you can tell me everything, baby. i'll take care of you. cry into my chest, tell me everything that pisses you off, use me as a tool for your comfort and relief. you're my soulmate, after all. i'd do anything for you.
maybe you're reading this. maybe destiny brought us this close, but i said something wrong and ruined everything. maybe i'm portraying myself wrong. maybe i'm just supposed to be the one reaching out. maybe you scrolled past this post because it wasn't interesting enough.
i'm terrified of all the tiny things that might keep you from me. i know there has to be someone out of 8 billion people out there who could love me, but what if you're on the other side of the planet? what if someone else found you before i could? what if you have no idea that you'd even enjoy this dynamic? what if some stupid algorithm never recommends us to each other? what if we miss each other by just a minute? what if i could've found you just by posting one more time, or posting that one fantasy i had, or keeping that other one to myself?
please let destiny be real. i need you to find me already.
#yearning post#yanblr#irl yan#actually obsessive#yancore#yandere#yandere thoughts#yan blog#yan boy#actually yandere#irl yandere#irl darling#obsessive yandere#i truly am a weak thing#god someone please protect me and make me feel safe#im so scared of everything. sigh#the search will continue!!
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aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE
#★ arin rambles#‘here we go again’ you think everytime you see my ramble tag. I dont blame you#AVENTURINE AVENTURINE PLEASE SAVE ME WHITE BOY#OH MY LORD#OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH MY GOODNESS.#MY JSOE IS RUNNING HES RUINNING MY LIFE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO ILL PLEASE I#AVENTURINE. im so serious i can talk about this man all day. and more specifically this video#‘it was just posted 30 minutes ago arin youre scaring the kids’ SILENCE. I NEED SPACE#I NEED A. A MOMENT. EVERYBODY PLEAS GETA WAY FROM ME IM GOING TO GET SO SCARY#Please. Im so sorry. Im begging you . I love this man oh my gish please hes so cute#HES SO CUTE. HES SO CUTE IM SO SICK OF HIM WHY???????? WHY IS HE SO PRETTY HES SO PRETTY HES GOREGOUS HES SO STUNNING. HELLO. HELLO.#Im going to. Slam my head against the wall im overwhelmed with joy and happiness hes everything ive ever wanted ever#any minute not spent talking about him is a moment wasted i promise you MY PRINCESS IM COMING TO SAVE YOU#IM HIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR EXCEPT ITS NOT SHINY#IM COVERED IN DIRT#IM STILL COMING FOR YOU AVENTURINE RUN#oh goodness me oh my#im so happy hes so prettu im so happy i cant do rhis im sweating geniumnly i feel so sick#Im cant . Do this anymore. I CANT TAKE IT. I HAVE TO… AAUGH… AAAHH… I HAVE TO…. DANCE!#guys…. he my favorriet…#my slinky….. my krimpet… my teacup i think. My doc mc stuffins doctor playset. My dishwasher. My italian coldsteel cinquedea . atp anything#hes my EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING…!!!!!!!! *MY TELEKENISIS THROWS EVERYTTHING ACROSS THE ROOM*#yall i dont think ive had a hyperfixation this horribly bad since. Since the. Since. MAN I DONT KNOW#IM COOKED. HE WOMT LEAVE ME ALONE. I LITERALLY DREAMT OF HIM LAST NIGHT LIKE IM SO DOOMED? ACTUALLY?#oh to be medicated and focus on . Things like cooking. Or idk. Getting a job. No i just think about some messed up blonde all day im absolut#ly DOOMED#yes im still yapping i got 30 tags u gon stick through them all. Every single one of them. Dont leave me please i want to talk about him ton#TO SOMEONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM TO SOMEONE ALL DAY. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TESTING. IM LEFT ALONE ALL DAY I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE#i womder how crazy i look right now#Sighs lovingly at him..
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hmm...
#vent post#seari talks#i feel a little scared... just thinking about the stuff i need to do... and i got a message that i cant answer on my own and the person who#i need the answer from wasnt... helpful... i dont know what to say now... i should say i'll look into it or something... but...#sigh... the whole situation is difficult since i have to... *big sigh* fuck...#if this goes wrong... will they blame me? what will happen to me?... i did ask back in the day... i have the messages... so technically im#safe but... sigh... how stressful...#and i have to check all of this other stuff too...#... i dont like this... i so dont like this... but its okay its gonna be okay... its just the beginning that its scary but once we actually#start running everything will get easier and easier and more comfortable and.... sigh...#for now... lets do what we- fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck who sent me a message fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#i dont wanna open the message#*checks* okay everything will be okay... everything will be okay.... yes... *sigh*#IM OKAY EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!!!#i just have to focus on the matters at hand. i reported this so its gonna get reviewed now. and what i need to do is this other thing...#and study i have to do that too... and read that too... okay thats not difficult ive got this
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literally What is with bsdtwt’s aggressive hatred towards ships that arent s.kk 😭
#im SORRY i do love s.kk but their shippers make it so hard#like SHUT UP!!! STOP!!! half the time theyre mischaracterising them anyway#but theyre legit so mean. especially towards s.igzai shippers it is ridiculous#i dont particularly care for s.igzai but omg?? leave them alone???#theyll legit harrass anyone who ships things other than fucking s.kk. my brother in christ these are fictional characters#and lord FORGIVE s.igskk shippers#sometimes i wanna post my silly thoughts on twitter but i ship kunichuu or chuuran or godbless kunikidazai#but i refrain bc im scared Lmao#ugh. i fucking hate those s.kk shippers#they make EVERYTHING about them even when the story isnt about them#and they refuse to let other shippers have fun it is insane#sigh. why do i use twitter
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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Vent ⬇️⬇️⬇️
#jerico vents#void vents#god its been a while since i vented here#but i just feel quite...bad#i really want to improve and post my voice acting#im just scared i guess and i need everything i dream for to happen right now#i guess im not ready for the bigger things in my life#but the fact thats taking so long is klling me#i just feel like if i keep waiting it will never happen#i try to repeat to myself that just because its not happening now it doesnt mean it wont happen later#but god i just want once sign#just one#that everything will be okay#[sigh] i know its probably the exhaustion talking but.....#and also i guess the sociopolitical climate in argentina also doesnt help#i just want good things to happen to me i feel so desperate#please god
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unrelated to anything but I read another 2 volumes of dorohedoro at work today and this bit made me sniffle in the lab theyre soooo 🥺
#NEED WHAT THEY HAVE FR......#im so scared of ehats gonna happen next no spoilers PLEASE#but nikaido offering to let him work for her once everythings over and then that jncredibly ominous narration panel... WHAT DO U MEAN.#im loving it more and more the further i get into it i didnt expect to get so strongly attached to them all#and the art is so consistently stunning i dunno how she draws like this in so much detail for SO MANY VOLUMES it blows my mind#i neeeeeddd to draw them. and also shin and noi. and en tbh.......AHH#also i remember plastiboo having dorohedoro prints available on tshirts i need a couple STAT#but not rn i need to get ready for bed sigh..#.diaries
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btw! lil life update. i think i didnt tell you guys this but i had to stop seeing the therapist i was so excited to start with back in august. we only saw each other twice and then i had to stop going bc the sessions were way too expensive and my mom found out other therapists are charging way less so yeah. anyways i guess that was actually for the best bc we hadnt really clicked (even tho i tried to stay positive, thinking maybe itd just take a bit more time) but! today i finally started with a new therapist and she was awesome. i went kind of mentally prepared to be as open as possible but she made it easy, she was really nice and enganging and im really happy about it :^) and since its cheaper i get to go every week again so thats great too
#im sure no one really cares about this but i still wanted to share!#i have... a lot on my mind and its preventing me from being actually happy so i hope this works out#i want to get and be better#i want to actually have a life and not be scared of everything#the executive dysfuction is fucking me up#midterms are right around the corner too which is. scary to think about#i only have like. two months of class left this year#im so tired i hate being a student and i hate i need a degree to have a career#sigh. anyways im not here to rant#just know maybe i wont be as active these next few weeks#cami.txt
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i feel im too kind and sensitive for most people
#why are people so cruel in their own heads? isnt it more fun to accept everyone? be happy ? forgive?#heavy on the forgive? bc like#ur friend is less social ... goes apart... they're acting weird... theyre being distant... GIRL I WANT TO SHAKE YOU. THEYRER SAD.#forgive. forgive the distance.#what if something bad happened like.. death? stress? everyone grieves and heals differently#(or maybe its the overt and hidden transphobia and queerphobia#and the gossip obsession)#how do i tell this to someone so that they dont get mad? like in reality and in all brutal honesty youre being a fucking asshole? like?#everyone is gonna take anything like so badly no matter how softly and emphatically i set it up...#i wanna defend people but im too much of a coward. fuck#i may be sensitive but the world is so susceptible#how can you have such averse reactions to your own fucking judgement where u decided everything that u didnt get or try to get was bad#world so beautifully neutral and you assess so much goodness and badness to everything#unfortenatly u all find me funny and i am scared of being alone so i will satnd unmoving#maybe one day ill say waht i think and lose you all and be sad and alone again but at least i think im pretty kind and tolerant#sigh#me soup
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goddammit all that LV worldbuilding has lead me to creating a scene in my head that now has me wondering if i have to put a plot-important sex scene in what will be a main-storyline arc instead of a fade to black or disconnected easily-skippable oneshot
#theres a point where the guy HAS to get some energy out and the bf is RIGHT THERE ...........................#sigh. a bit ago i made a lil agreement with myself that actual sex stuff wouldn't really be in the main plot outside of allusions#and that anything Real would stay in epilogue fics & oneshots#but now im like. man. there is something here that i can use!!!! but its like im still in the mindset of writing as a young teen!!!!#too scared to make other ppl uncomfortable with MY OWN DAMN STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#WHEN will my brain catch up that other people finding selfcest weird is a skill issue on THEIR part fucks SAKE!!!!!!!!#laying facedown on the ground . as if thats not the entire reason i made this blog in the first place 😔#every time i go on atbb and the pinned rules reminds me of a time that is not necessary anymore#im GROWN NOW !!!! I NEED NOT RESTRICT MYSELF ANY LONGER#but my AUDIENCE..................#ppl said it was refreshing that i had selfcest where everything wasnt about sex and obv it still wont be but that is IN MY BRAIN FOREVER#AUUYHGHGHGHGH SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THIS 14 YEAR OLD OUT OF MY HEAD SO EDGE CAN FINALLY GET DICKED DOWN COME ONNNNNN
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I want to write a long paragraph but I dont know if I can. Have this.
I am both terrified and find it incredibly endearing to be watched. Being watched, being known, it means I exist. Someone sees my words and thought about them for a moment. Someone witnessed Me or We or Us or Whatever. Being taken note of, being noticed, having people remember things about you that you'd forgotten. It's very nice! But it's terrifying. They know more about you than you know of them, they can piece together pieces of you - but not perfectly. Never fully right. They take note of you and you have a purpose Sort of ? You have Things you Need to do. You have meaning and it's scary! That might be just how I view it but. My view is most important here. Especially since nothing else will exist for a minute or so after this.
I'm scared of being watched because someone knows things about me I'm ashamed of that I want to bury in the past that were so recent yet I've already moved on or I'm dragging it with me [Like A Corpse].
But then I love being watched. I like people seeing me. I like taking note of those who've seen me and assuming or fearing over what they might think
I love watching. I don't know how to explain that one too well. It's nice to know things about people - To be able to connect things together and stuff. To notice the patterns and the meanings behind little things over time. I really love all of it. Sadly, obsession is very easy to fall into for me. Boohoo....
Being watched is something I mostly fear. I have reasons. I'll probably just use the tags to explain the more personal stuff regarding it.
I'm sleepy and this rant is m. Very much repeating. I don't care. My vent blog, you followed.
#don't let them see this!#being stalked likely changed my view on being watched#for better or for worse but#that whole thing with [Him]... Shudder. i am Incredibly fucked up now.#being watched here is#a lot nicer#because i feel like ive the slightest bit of control#unlike him i dont#i dont know / im lying and i dont want to say / im scared to talk about him#okay! no more talking about him#sigh#i hate him#i really do#its scary being obsessed with the person who hurt you and im glad im now obsessed with different things#obsession is a dangerous thing yada yada I Physically Cannot Control It And When I Fall Into It I Feel Physical Fucking Pain And I Nearly -#- Puke From Fear or Delight#teehee!#i document everything#and i get so giggly over every little thing..#one day i should get a notebook and just document every little thing said.... ehehheehheeeeee...#siigh#i love...#i love everything#i am shaking right now#like chihuaha#though genuinely sometimes i get so giddy and giggly i nearly vomit when i see things from those / that which i obsess over#i fucking hate obsession!!!! EEK!#it is incredibly painful and causes many tummyaches and headaches and everyythings...#i had fun#i have fun
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btw i am like mega isolating myself rn because of da horrors so if i haven’t replied to ur messages lately (or like. For months years etc but that’s another story) im so sorry and i WILL get to them eventually. once i calm down 💔
#purrs#everything is just a lot rn. i am curled up in a little ball and have only been talking to the ppl i see on a daily basis and i feel so bad#abt it but i am running on negative spoons at this point. hopefully after i get back from boston i’ll be a little better but rn im freaking#out abt boston and also abt other things. but im trying and im sorry . i have soooo many asks and messages it’s so stressful but i#appreciate that ppl want to talk to me and im sorry im like this bc i want to talk to u too im just tired and scared and stressed out. sigh#delete later
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people on twitter dragging him for demand tho because he’s not selling these venues and ngl i feel low-key scared that he won’t sell it and is going to play in empty venues :( i hate the fact that bmg and matt vines don’t have a plan at all to fucking promote louis and his tour. they had so many opportunities ffs, make written all over your face a single and PROMOTE IT, release a fucking documentary and use it to promote his tour, they ‘promoted’ tour along with the album but they didn’t promote the album at all as well 😭 they thought the fans will buy the tickets as always and when it didn’t happen they choose to promote it or whatever they’re doing in the simplest way. it’s embarrassing for them and i can’t even describe how much i hate them. instead of doing these shitty interviews about how louis’ fans are 14 yo maybe they should’ve done with the promotion and stuff better lol fuck them. also i bet louis thinks he was too ambitious with this tour and it makes me so :(
the fans did buy the tickets! I'm sure once all the dates are out and u count the tickets sold they won't be less than what he sold for ltwt the problem is that if u make a bigger tour u HAVE to EXPAND your fanbase, you can't rely on the existing one bc well.. the math just doesn't make sense! and Matt vines is so fucking stupid for saying he doesn't care about radioplay and charts bc bitch that's the only way people van actually listen to his music and become fans !! if u don't make the fanbase grow how can u expect to make the tour grow !! it's DUMB! I'm sure the latam leg will sell easily once the dates are out but Europe and North America are I think around 60% /70% sold rn (which doesn't mean empty venues but considering how little he's charging and how much more everything costs after the pandemic that could very possibly be a problem in terms of covering the costs imo)
i really hope that louis doesn't start blaming himself for this bc it.is not his fault tbh, he isn't a manager or a tour organizer or a marketing expert, he should blame the people who he pays for that and who are clearly not doing their jobs ! and I hope he realizes that this can't go on !
#unfortunately im scared he'll probably just blame himself or his music like he does for the radio thing :((#sigh#ask#anon#so many stupid ass people i want to murder tbh#the potential that is constantly WASTED#ooms could have done so well if tehy had promoted it#waoyf too!#also EVERYONE does singles after the album release now!!! nobody just stops everything bc its just stupid!!!#why can't his team or louis just see it !!!
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Hum...
#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen#just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health...#particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life'#its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh....#sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho...#but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is...#the future is so scary... sigh... okay#ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that!#seari talks#what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir#tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too#also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay#im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup!#miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis....#sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired#a mimir a mimir pat pat pat
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ever since my school changed the way they do counseling services my brain sees it as a threat again.
for me going to therapy, as much as i need it, is incredibly difficult. its difficult for me to start it again if its not an easy process for me, and the way they've changed it makes it so i have to schedule specifically and cant garuntee to be able to schedule with the same person every week.
i know i should just go get an actual proper therapist but its so scary finding a new one when i had found someone who was working for me until they moved things around.
i dont know why my brain sees therapy as a threat, the change as a threat, but it does and its horrible. i know logically that therapy helps me, but my stupid little monkey brain insists that it is too scary.
#vent#rant#sigh#im just stressed about it#bc therapy would help me but im also so scared to have to try again and fight my monkey brain#i feel so tired#everything is too much#stress vent#stress
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.
#beeep#i know it is the sleepiness and I'm going to bed but#BIGGEST SIGH I WANT TO BE SPECIAL.#ive Accepted my role as generally pleasant but kind of boring but. sighs. idk :( im#just like. Here. yknow. thats what leo has to offer. Is There.#okay sleeping not enough hours and then baizhu is going to fix me. i can be#not just accepted of but also okay with being background character coded once i have Baizhu about it#also very related but im hoping my doctor is gonna let me have the antidepressants again soon#and also I'm pretty sure i make everyone uncomfortable and irritated if im around but that one isnt logic thats just feelings so im trying#to ignore it. but. hrggrh.#sar//azanma//i voice i want to connect but i am so scared of everything forever and also like. bad at it#u may notice that the feelings are incongruent with the first bit well that is because! the first bit is me being sad about reality#and not me inventing things that scare me to be sad about#unless the inventions are real but . i cant tell. ahahah#goodnight im going to be normal at ummmm some point :D
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