#im so scared of everything. sigh

[your-dxrling]

i wonder what my soulmate is doing right now.

maybe they're asleep. lonely without anyone to hold them. maybe they are being held, by some temporary fling before we meet and i sweep them off their feet. maybe they're thinking about me too. maybe they're dreaming about me, as some sort of fated appearance, or as some faceless future partner. i wonder if their heart burns this badly when they think of me.

maybe they're just relaxing and doing something they enjoy. i wonder what their hobbies are? i wish i could know in advance so that i could get into all of them too. i'd memorize all of their favourite activities and interests just so that they could love every second we spend together! and of course i'd get the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts. ahh, it'd be hard not to get too nervous and just *ask* what the perfect gift would be... i think i'd die if i ever disappointed you, soulmate.

maybe they're sad or angry or stressed. what comfort do you prefer, sweetie? i want to try everything and see exactly how you react. i hate thinking of you upset, but the thought of being the one to make you feel better is too enticing. you can tell me everything, baby. i'll take care of you. cry into my chest, tell me everything that pisses you off, use me as a tool for your comfort and relief. you're my soulmate, after all. i'd do anything for you.

maybe you're reading this. maybe destiny brought us this close, but i said something wrong and ruined everything. maybe i'm portraying myself wrong. maybe i'm just supposed to be the one reaching out. maybe you scrolled past this post because it wasn't interesting enough.

i'm terrified of all the tiny things that might keep you from me. i know there has to be someone out of 8 billion people out there who could love me, but what if you're on the other side of the planet? what if someone else found you before i could? what if you have no idea that you'd even enjoy this dynamic? what if some stupid algorithm never recommends us to each other? what if we miss each other by just a minute? what if i could've found you just by posting one more time, or posting that one fantasy i had, or keeping that other one to myself?

please let destiny be real. i need you to find me already.

[opikiquu]

aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE

[seariii]

hmm...

[littencloud9]

literally What is with bsdtwt’s aggressive hatred towards ships that arent s.kk 😭

[pink-lemonadefairy]

🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳

[voidselfshipp]

Vent ⬇️⬇️⬇️

[phagodyke]

unrelated to anything but I read another 2 volumes of dorohedoro at work today and this bit made me sniffle in the lab theyre soooo 🥺

[celticwoman]

btw! lil life update. i think i didnt tell you guys this but i had to stop seeing the therapist i was so excited to start with back in august. we only saw each other twice and then i had to stop going bc the sessions were way too expensive and my mom found out other therapists are charging way less so yeah. anyways i guess that was actually for the best bc we hadnt really clicked (even tho i tried to stay positive, thinking maybe itd just take a bit more time) but! today i finally started with a new therapist and she was awesome. i went kind of mentally prepared to be as open as possible but she made it easy, she was really nice and enganging and im really happy about it :^) and since its cheaper i get to go every week again so thats great too

[fragiledate]

i feel im too kind and sensitive for most people

[bonestrouslingbones]

goddammit all that LV worldbuilding has lead me to creating a scene in my head that now has me wondering if i have to put a plot-important sex scene in what will be a main-storyline arc instead of a fade to black or disconnected easily-skippable oneshot

[watch-out-it-bites]

I want to write a long paragraph but I dont know if I can. Have this.

I am both terrified and find it incredibly endearing to be watched. Being watched, being known, it means I exist. Someone sees my words and thought about them for a moment. Someone witnessed Me or We or Us or Whatever. Being taken note of, being noticed, having people remember things about you that you'd forgotten. It's very nice! But it's terrifying. They know more about you than you know of them, they can piece together pieces of you - but not perfectly. Never fully right. They take note of you and you have a purpose Sort of ? You have Things you Need to do. You have meaning and it's scary! That might be just how I view it but. My view is most important here. Especially since nothing else will exist for a minute or so after this.

I'm scared of being watched because someone knows things about me I'm ashamed of that I want to bury in the past that were so recent yet I've already moved on or I'm dragging it with me [Like A Corpse].

But then I love being watched. I like people seeing me. I like taking note of those who've seen me and assuming or fearing over what they might think

I love watching. I don't know how to explain that one too well. It's nice to know things about people - To be able to connect things together and stuff. To notice the patterns and the meanings behind little things over time. I really love all of it. Sadly, obsession is very easy to fall into for me. Boohoo....

Being watched is something I mostly fear. I have reasons. I'll probably just use the tags to explain the more personal stuff regarding it.

I'm sleepy and this rant is m. Very much repeating. I don't care. My vent blog, you followed.

[bunnihearted]

🤕🩹💊

[pepprs]

btw i am like mega isolating myself rn because of da horrors so if i haven’t replied to ur messages lately (or like. For months years etc but that’s another story) im so sorry and i WILL get to them eventually. once i calm down 💔

[seariii]

Hum...

[faith--in-the-future]

people on twitter dragging him for demand tho because he’s not selling these venues and ngl i feel low-key scared that he won’t sell it and is going to play in empty venues :( i hate the fact that bmg and matt vines don’t have a plan at all to fucking promote louis and his tour. they had so many opportunities ffs, make written all over your face a single and PROMOTE IT, release a fucking documentary and use it to promote his tour, they ‘promoted’ tour along with the album but they didn’t promote the album at all as well 😭 they thought the fans will buy the tickets as always and when it didn’t happen they choose to promote it or whatever they’re doing in the simplest way. it’s embarrassing for them and i can’t even describe how much i hate them. instead of doing these shitty interviews about how louis’ fans are 14 yo maybe they should’ve done with the promotion and stuff better lol fuck them. also i bet louis thinks he was too ambitious with this tour and it makes me so :(

the fans did buy the tickets! I'm sure once all the dates are out and u count the tickets sold they won't be less than what he sold for ltwt the problem is that if u make a bigger tour u HAVE to EXPAND your fanbase, you can't rely on the existing one bc well.. the math just doesn't make sense! and Matt vines is so fucking stupid for saying he doesn't care about radioplay and charts bc bitch that's the only way people van actually listen to his music and become fans !! if u don't make the fanbase grow how can u expect to make the tour grow !! it's DUMB! I'm sure the latam leg will sell easily once the dates are out but Europe and North America are I think around 60% /70% sold rn (which doesn't mean empty venues but considering how little he's charging and how much more everything costs after the pandemic that could very possibly be a problem in terms of covering the costs imo)

i really hope that louis doesn't start blaming himself for this bc it.is not his fault tbh, he isn't a manager or a tour organizer or a marketing expert, he should blame the people who he pays for that and who are clearly not doing their jobs ! and I hope he realizes that this can't go on !

[ashtraysystem]

ever since my school changed the way they do counseling services my brain sees it as a threat again.

for me going to therapy, as much as i need it, is incredibly difficult. its difficult for me to start it again if its not an easy process for me, and the way they've changed it makes it so i have to schedule specifically and cant garuntee to be able to schedule with the same person every week.

i know i should just go get an actual proper therapist but its so scary finding a new one when i had found someone who was working for me until they moved things around.

i dont know why my brain sees therapy as a threat, the change as a threat, but it does and its horrible. i know logically that therapy helps me, but my stupid little monkey brain insists that it is too scary.