#im so scared of everything. sigh

[your-dxrling]

i wonder what my soulmate is doing right now.

maybe they're asleep. lonely without anyone to hold them. maybe they are being held, by some temporary fling before we meet and i sweep them off their feet. maybe they're thinking about me too. maybe they're dreaming about me, as some sort of fated appearance, or as some faceless future partner. i wonder if their heart burns this badly when they think of me.

maybe they're just relaxing and doing something they enjoy. i wonder what their hobbies are? i wish i could know in advance so that i could get into all of them too. i'd memorize all of their favourite activities and interests just so that they could love every second we spend together! and of course i'd get the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts. ahh, it'd be hard not to get too nervous and just *ask* what the perfect gift would be... i think i'd die if i ever disappointed you, soulmate.

maybe they're sad or angry or stressed. what comfort do you prefer, sweetie? i want to try everything and see exactly how you react. i hate thinking of you upset, but the thought of being the one to make you feel better is too enticing. you can tell me everything, baby. i'll take care of you. cry into my chest, tell me everything that pisses you off, use me as a tool for your comfort and relief. you're my soulmate, after all. i'd do anything for you.

maybe you're reading this. maybe destiny brought us this close, but i said something wrong and ruined everything. maybe i'm portraying myself wrong. maybe i'm just supposed to be the one reaching out. maybe you scrolled past this post because it wasn't interesting enough.

i'm terrified of all the tiny things that might keep you from me. i know there has to be someone out of 8 billion people out there who could love me, but what if you're on the other side of the planet? what if someone else found you before i could? what if you have no idea that you'd even enjoy this dynamic? what if some stupid algorithm never recommends us to each other? what if we miss each other by just a minute? what if i could've found you just by posting one more time, or posting that one fantasy i had, or keeping that other one to myself?

please let destiny be real. i need you to find me already.

[theokusgallery]

I hate that I have reoccurring themes in everything I make. YES this guy has a complex over the fact that everyone prefers his sibling AGAIN. YES he was ostracized by his peers since he was in primary school and never knew why until years later. URGH

[orcelito]

The suckass thing about writing a fic with pregnancy in it is that I keep going to incognito browser anytime I have a research question bc I dont want fucking Google or whatever to see me googling shit like "pregnancy tests" or "early pregnancy signs" and assume I must be pregnant

The amount of constant surveillance around us to the point where I can't research things for my fic in peace..... it's so aggravating

[opikiquu]

aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE

[seventh-district]

.

[littencloud9]

literally What is with bsdtwt’s aggressive hatred towards ships that arent s.kk 😭

[pink-lemonadefairy]

🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳

[voidselfshipp]

Vent ⬇️⬇️⬇️

[phagodyke]

unrelated to anything but I read another 2 volumes of dorohedoro at work today and this bit made me sniffle in the lab theyre soooo 🥺

[celticwoman]

btw! lil life update. i think i didnt tell you guys this but i had to stop seeing the therapist i was so excited to start with back in august. we only saw each other twice and then i had to stop going bc the sessions were way too expensive and my mom found out other therapists are charging way less so yeah. anyways i guess that was actually for the best bc we hadnt really clicked (even tho i tried to stay positive, thinking maybe itd just take a bit more time) but! today i finally started with a new therapist and she was awesome. i went kind of mentally prepared to be as open as possible but she made it easy, she was really nice and enganging and im really happy about it :^) and since its cheaper i get to go every week again so thats great too

[fragiledate]

i feel im too kind and sensitive for most people

[watch-out-it-bites]

I want to write a long paragraph but I dont know if I can. Have this.

I am both terrified and find it incredibly endearing to be watched. Being watched, being known, it means I exist. Someone sees my words and thought about them for a moment. Someone witnessed Me or We or Us or Whatever. Being taken note of, being noticed, having people remember things about you that you'd forgotten. It's very nice! But it's terrifying. They know more about you than you know of them, they can piece together pieces of you - but not perfectly. Never fully right. They take note of you and you have a purpose Sort of ? You have Things you Need to do. You have meaning and it's scary! That might be just how I view it but. My view is most important here. Especially since nothing else will exist for a minute or so after this.

I'm scared of being watched because someone knows things about me I'm ashamed of that I want to bury in the past that were so recent yet I've already moved on or I'm dragging it with me [Like A Corpse].

But then I love being watched. I like people seeing me. I like taking note of those who've seen me and assuming or fearing over what they might think

I love watching. I don't know how to explain that one too well. It's nice to know things about people - To be able to connect things together and stuff. To notice the patterns and the meanings behind little things over time. I really love all of it. Sadly, obsession is very easy to fall into for me. Boohoo....

Being watched is something I mostly fear. I have reasons. I'll probably just use the tags to explain the more personal stuff regarding it.

I'm sleepy and this rant is m. Very much repeating. I don't care. My vent blog, you followed.

[pepprs]

btw i am like mega isolating myself rn because of da horrors so if i haven’t replied to ur messages lately (or like. For months years etc but that’s another story) im so sorry and i WILL get to them eventually. once i calm down 💔

[catboyfurina]

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[soup-or-who-lock]

Having reread CDTH and Mr. Impossible, am at long, long last reading Greywaren (buts it’s the middle of the night and I’m creating awful habits so I only read the prologue). Accidentally read the last sentence. Made a little squeaking sound free from inhibition. I’m not gonna breathe for 335 pages

[itsalwaysdark]

ome day i will be so normal