#im so bad at them but i try my best and that’s all that matters LMAO
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hi!! just wanna say you are my fav gravity falls author and im so obsessed with your fics for stan 🙏🙏 could i please have a stan x fem!reader smut where stan just REALLY likes tits. like a LOT. you have full creative freedom to go wherever you want with this idea i just wholeheartedly believe stan is a tit man <3 thank u and plz never delete this account youre the coolest 💞
Stan Pines is obsessed with you and your breasts ♡ (headcanons + blurb)
author note: hii, angel!! thank you sm for this sweet message, i'm literally melting and giggling and smiling rn!!! i can't even tell you how much this made my day, you're so kind and your words honestly mean the world to me 🤍
i had so much fun with this idea, so here’s something for you bc ur wish is my command! i hope it’s what u expected. and thank you for supporting me! ♡
I need this grumpy old man so bad, guys send me more asks bout him also comments and/or reblogs are always appreciated, kisses u💋
nsfw, fem reader
♡ Stan is absolutely shamelessly obsessed with tits. your tits, specifically. big, small, somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter! he’s a hungry fucking man. he fucking loves breasts. worships them. adores them. can’t keep his damn eyes (or hands, or mouth) off them. “you’re gonna kill me with these things, doll, fuckin’ hell, look at ‘em.”
♡ the first time you caught him staring, you were a little shy about it, but he didn’t even try to deny it. “what? they’re right there! whaddya want me to do, not look? it’s like puttin’ a steak in front of a starving man and tellin’ him not to eat!” and you made the mistake of saying, “you could touch them if you wanted to.”
♡ because now his hands are always on you. always. you’re trying to cook? his big hands are sliding up your shirt, squeezing, kneading, thumbs brushing over your nipples, he’s testing just how fast he can make that little gasp slip from your lips. and god, all of that is being done with that smug grin on his face. “what? i’m helpin’.” sure, Stan. sure
♡ I wanna develop idea about cooking more, so: as i said, Stan can’t keep his hands off you when you’re cooking. for him it’s just an excuse to get his hands on your body. expect him to come up behind you, press his broad chest into your back, let his hands rest in your waist as his lips ghost over your neck, muttering “damn, you look so pretty, baby, you sure you don’t wanna skip dinner and come straight to bed?” when he’s rubbing his growing bulge against you while you’re stirring the pot, literally humping you in the middle of the kitchen. It’s hard not to laugh at how desperate he is
♡ the type of man who’ll insist he’s innocent even when he’s shamelessly and obviously staring. you could be fully dressed, wearing the baggiest clothes known to man and this filthy old bastard is still eye-fucking you. “what? can’t help it, doll, you’re beautiful.” no shame. zero!
♡ of course Stan loves to bury his face in your chest. it’s his happy place there. his hands sliding up your sides as he presses his face between your breasts, groaning, “fuckin’ heaven, toots. yer like a damn pillow, but better, so soft, so warm.” while you let your fingers run through his hair. It’s more about being intimate and soft though
♡ “goddamn, look at these beauties. best fuckin’ view in the world, ain’t it?”
♡ he’s a sucker for leaving marks on your breasts. bite marks, hickeys, little bruises from his teeth and fingers
♡ uhh. . . hear me out, him stuffing dollar bills into your bra as a joke (or no). “figure they’re safer here than my wallet anyway.”
♡ Stan loves when you wear anything that lets him see your nipples, especially when they’re hard (from cold or because you’re horny?), he goes crazy when thin shirt or a dress hugs your body. “goddamn, sweetie, could stare at those for hours.”
♡ his guilty pleasure is watching you put lotion on after a shower. you’re sitting on the edge of the bed, smoothing the cream over your arms, shoulders and chest and that old man is drooling
♡ Stan is so domestic, he loves the way you look in the morning, your breasts barely covered by his tank top that you stole. you stretch, yawning, your nipples peeking through the thin fabric and he’s already pulling you back into bed. “don’t care what we had planned today, baby. yer stayin’ right here with me.”
♡ Stanley gets so distracted when you’re undressing in front of him. doesn’t matter if it’s casual or if you’re trying to tease him, once your top comes off, his eyes are immediately glued to you while his cock already twitching to life in his pants. “jesus christ, woman, yer tryin’ to kill me. c’mere and let me get my hands on ya.”
♡ and when he finally gets you laid out on the bed, his hands worshiping every inch of you, oh, he takes his sweet time. dragging his thumbs over the stiff peaks of your nubs, leaning down to wrap his lips around one, sucking gently before giving it a teasing bite. he’s grinning against your skin when you gasp his name, one hand slipping down to spread your thighs apart while he gets comfortable between them. “love when you make these sounds. what’d i do to deserve this, huh?”
♡ oh, his tongue too. it’s wet and warm, circling slow before he flicks the nub just to watch your back arch. his free hand squeezes your other breast, pinching and tugging lightly on the nipple. he groans from how heavenly you taste. “softest damn tits I’ve ever had my hands on. christ, baby, I love you so much.”
♡ if you let him, he’ll press his cock between your breasts, his hands squishing them together as he ruts into the softness, groaning like a goddamn mess. “fuck, baby— mhmm, your so fuckin’ soft, look at this, huh? takin’ me so good, atta girl.”
♡ more thoughts about breasts fuck. i personally think Stan would love it? because there’s something about the sight of his heavy cock sliding between your breasts, the way you press them together for him, making a perfect, soft little channel for him to fuck into like a needy old man he is. he gasps, praises you, worships you whole as he watches himself disappear between them, his tip slick and glistening with precum every time it peaks out
♡ “fuck, doll, keep squeezin’ ’em like that. jesus, yer gonna make me cum just from lookin’ at ya.” and he does, oh, he does. he spills his seed all over your chest. and when he’s finished, Stan isn’t shy about making a mess, watching his cum drip down your breasts
♡ when he’s drunk, Stan gets even more handsy than usual
♡ you get him worked up sometimes by accident. like, when you’re reaching for something high up on a shelf and your shirt rides up, giving him the perfect view of your waist, those soft curves that drive him absolutely crazy. Stan will mumble something like “god, babe—gimme a second, I gotta go fix somethin’ in the back room. . . you know how it is with my old bones.” but it’s all a damn lie because he just needs to take a breather after staring at your body for the last five minutes
♡ Stan absolutely loves when you’re riding him, leaning over with your tits pressed into his face. he doesn’t care if it’s just for a few seconds or longer, he wants to feel them on his lips. he’ll lift his head slightly to suck on your cute nipples or trail hot kisses down your cleavage, his hands gripping your ass as he pushes his hips up to meet you. “sh-shit, baby, lemme just. . .”
♡ you lean over the counter while talking to him, doesn’t matter if you’re talking about what’s for dinner or how the vending machine ate your dollar, his eyes are locked on your chest only, already undressing you in his mind. he’ll mutter something gruff like, “yeah, uh-huh”
♡ loves to make you squirm. Stan’s a teasing bastard and he knows exactly what he’s doing when he brushes his thumb over your sensitive nipple slowly, watching it pebble under his touch. “sensitive today, huh? what’s the matter, sweetheart? thought ya liked it when i played with these pretty little nubs of yours.” and then he pinches, just to hear you gasp and watch you press your thighs together
♡ i swear, Stan will make excuses to get you on his lap, just so he can slide his hands under your clothes and play with you while you sit there all flustered, giggling silly. “ain’t no law against touchin’ my girl, is there? c’mon, lemme have my fun, been thinkin’ about these all damn day.”
♡ as I mentioned, he’s a sucker for when you’re on top, bouncing on his cock while his big hands squeeze your waist, holding you so tenderly in his arms despite how hard and rough he bucks his hips into you, his mouth is latched onto your nipples. the way your breasts move drives him insane
♡ during lazy, slow sex, Stan loves lying on his side with you pressed against him, one hand massaging your breast as he thrusts into you slowly from behind. his lips are at your ear, whispering filthy things about how soft and warm you feel
♡ but when it’s rough, he’s gripping your breasts so hard you’ll have finger-shaped bruises the next day, pinching your nipples just to watch you arch your back and tremble under him, “you like that, huh? that’s right, my good fucking girl,” and every word he says he punctuates with a thrust. “can’t get enough of me touchin’ you, can ya?”
♡ reminder: Stan doesn���t just love your breasts because they’re sexy, though, yeah, they are. he loves them because they’re yours. soft, warm, comforting, just like you. and if he can bury his face in them and forget about the rest of the world for a little while? that’s just the cherry on top! a nice bonus!
♡ bonus: little blurb
sight of you in his suit jacket, oh god. that thing swallows you whole but it’s too big for you so it hangs off your shoulders, exposing your skin, letting him see your thighs as well. Stan’s jacket, smelling like cigars, is over you in a way that makes his throat go dry. and underneath that beautiful little bra you knew would make his head spin, it’s lace and soft cups hugging you in ways he wished his hands were right now. your cleavage drawing his attention like a magnet. no, it’s too goddamn much for Stan to handle
he’s slouched on the armchair, legs spread wide, trying to keep himself from losing control. his eyes latch onto the soft lace of your bra, the way it cups your tits just beautiful enough to tease him. he looks so needy already and you’ve barely touched him
“Jesus christ, doll.” sounds like he’s choking on his own breath. “yer doin’ this on purpose, parading around in my jacket, showin’ off these tits like some goddamn pin-up doll, huh.” his lips curl into a smirk
perfect, just exact reaction you waited. you bite your lip, stepping closer, swaying your hips for him. you play it coy, of course. shifting the jacket like it’s just slipping off, letting one strap of your bra peek out more. “what? this old thing?” you smile like you don’t know exactly what you’re doing
and then he’s got his hands on you in an instant, dragging you into his lap because he can’t stand another second of his pretty girl being out of reach. his palms feels rough as they grip your hips, tugging you down until your thighs straddle his.
“you tryin’ to kill me, toots? walkin’ around like that, wearin’ my jacket.”
your knees settle on either side of him, and his hands waste no time sliding up your thighs, over your hips, and straight to your waist, holding you close to him because this man is always starved for physical contact. his thumbs dip under the edge of the jacket, brushing the bare skin just above your bra
“Staaanley,” you breathe, your lips hovering just above his. your hands tangling in his hair, tugging just enough to make him groan.
“No, no, no, don’t you ‘stan’ me, pretty,” he mutters, and one of his hands slips behind your back to unclasp your bra with a flick of his fingers, the other cupping your breast like he’s been dying to touch you all day. “you don’t get to tease me like that, wearin’ this fuckin’ outfit, and then say my name like some innocent little thing. you know exactly what you’re doin’, don’tcha?”
his thumb brushes over your nipple and then his lips follow, placing wet and hot kisses along your breast, sucking gently before biting down to make you gasp.
“That’s it,” he groans against your skin. “wanna hear all those pretty little sounds you make, baby. fuck, you’ve got me harder than a goddamn rock.”
he’s saying true because you feel the evidence of that pressing against your core, even through your panties. his free hand slides between your thighs, fingers pressing against the damp fabric and you whimper when he rubs slow circles over your needy clit.
Stan grins as he pushes the lace aside. “you’re fuckin’ soaked. all this from me touchin’ your tits? jesus, doll, yer even dirtier than i thought.”
his fingers tease your wet entrance, rubbing over your folds before dipping inside, and your head falls against his shoulder, moaning as he pumps them slow and deep.
“C’mon, baby,” Stanley brushes his lips over your ear as he fucks you with his fingers, his other hand still kneading your breast. “tell me who you belong to. say my name, and i’ll give you everything you want. everything. I’ll fuck you so good.”
you moan his name, digging your nails into his shoulders
“Yes, that’s it,” his hand moves faster. “gonna make you scream for me, sweetheart. make sure you never forget who you belong to.”
#I NEED THIS OLD MAN#smut#gravity falls x reader#gravity falls#x reader#gravity falls x you#gravity falls smut#stan pines#stanley pines smut#grunkle stan#stan pines x reader#stan pines smut#stan pines x you#stanley pines x you#stanley pines x reader#gravity falls headcanons#gravity falls stanley
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I need people to realize how horrible 'stalking/constant surveillance/breaking into each other's homes is how the Batfamily show love' is. Like i really need someone to just acknowledge how horrific saying this bullshit is.
Like even fics where they're shown as happy and healthy and with good ties, you've always got this thing where none of them have privacy or any boundaries with each other. Which is directly antithetical to actually having good relationships. And this invasion via hacking and stalking and breaking into homes is portrayed as a positive, good thing; it's just how they show love and care to each other, after all. But for some reason I just personally don't find stalking, lack of privacy or boundaries, and emotional manipulation funny, endearing, or healthy, and just end up disgusted at the attempt to sweep it all under the rug.
#my dc posting#dc#batman#batfamily#jason todd#barbara gordon#bruce wayne#dick grayson#tim drake#damian wayne#listen i can only take so much of it before i just breakdown okay#apparently controversial opinion but a family where its normal to vreak into each others homes and manipulate each other and stalk and#invade boundaries and autonomy and privacy can NOT be healthy#no matter how much you try to dress it up all cute w 'this is just how they are' 'its how they show their love' its never not gonna be#unhealthy and bad and toxic#like yeah they do do that. they are like that. either acknowledge it or stop trying to justify it#god this actually irks me so much#i try to idk. suspend my disblief but theres only so much i can actuallt fucking take before just#its just. im trying to read happy fluffy fics. but i cant be comforted by a family that normalizes breaking boundaries n invading privacy#and its specifically that the author aleays disregards it. instead of fixing it or making it better they opt to keep it and come up w excuse#s for it#and thats what actually triggers me#'i broke into ur house cus if i asked if i could come over ud say no' is actuallt fucking horrifying stop trying to make it seem loving???#im writing this while having a panic attack dont mind me 👍#but its like. if you can write the batfam w/o bruce hitting his kids or any other horrific thing that they do#then why must you keep the boundary&privacy breaking? why cant anyone even seemingly try to write a batfam#where theyve worked their issues abt this out best they can n have healthy established boundaries w each other??#like if u can write them all hanging out together 24/7 n bruce being s good dad why is this one simple thing the One Thing#nobody even tries to address properly???#'aw dick broke into jason's saehouse bc he wanted to hangout but jason would say no if he asked' aw. maybe dick should learn 'no means no'
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faceup i did for this little dude
#don’t look to closely at it#anime style faceups my beloathed#im so bad at them but i try my best and that’s all that matters LMAO#ANYWAYS#personal#dolls#bjd#ob11#custom dolls#faceup
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The thing that kills me about the Star Wars prequel trilogy and why I will die on my hill that my problem is not that Star Wars is a tragedy, its that its a badly written tragedy, is that Anakin Skywalker was at his closest to being a good Jedi when he was ten years old.
#im not an anakin apologist by any means because I get the point of his character and Im not pro or anti jedi#my only real opinion on all of it is similar to what I was saying about Peter and Tony and the MCU yesterday#its badly written. its EVERYONE being contorted into shapes that dont make a ton of sense in service to#getting characters to where they need to end up for certain things to occur#my opinion is not that Anakin is inherently bad or good or that the Jedi are inherently bad or good#its that their entire conflict was set in motion by forcing the Jedi to act in ways that felt massively OOC when they were#first interviewing him as a kid and like.....I ACCEPT that the Jedi are supposed to be for the most part kindhearted and empathetic and all#of that which is why its so noteworthy in my opinion that this does not match with how they were FORCIBLY portrayed in those early movies#in order to ENGINEER the idea that this kid in desperate need of support but already with a lot of good instincts and positive traits#came to the order of kindly supportive literal empaths and everything went downhill from there#like kindly supportive literal empaths would not in my opinion look at a kid trying his best to be brave & stoic in completely intimidating#circumstances and surroundings and be judgmental and fairly dismissive about it as though theyve never met a kid before let alone a#traumatized one and the fact that thats kinda what happened is in contrast to how a lot of pro anakin people frame that NOT proof#that the Jedi order are inherently bad its that in that key scene and multiple others#the Jedi order were BADLY WRITTEN in pursuit of one pre-determined outcome that mattered more to the script/Lucas than#being true to their core conceit and characterizations. and thats just one example out of dozens I could list and the same holds true for#anakin's side of things so thats why I always steer far away from SW discourse#because Im like the problem with the characters in terms of the most iconic arc is not really any of the characters so much#as the plots refusal to let them actually consistently BE characters rather than just fixed and contrived stepping stones on the way to#the desired endpoint
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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Take some Fydd's I just realized I never posted
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#eternal gales#fydd is such a comfort character to me rn its not even funny I adore this lil lad#hes been helping keep me sane#Ive also been keeping sane by brainstoriming more abt how I wanna make eternal gales someday which is also helping#and lemme say its getting real ambitious folks this bad boy isnt getting made for a While lol#the more Ive been thinking abt eternal gales and how I want it to be formatted the more certain I become that while its not going to be a#game Im probably going to be making it within a game maker engine#like Ill still look into how feasible making it all into a website would be but I think for what I want to make this would work best#which is! very ambitious and is definitely not smth I can manage rn! but I have been wanting to re learn to code anyways so!#its mostly just a matter of like. doing some smaller projects first and getting my shit together#ideally I want to be able to be in a place to get started in about 5 years maybe? idk that feels reasonable to me#but Im fine if it takes longer as long as Ive gotten at least some actual real project started and worked on#Ive been playing around with the idea of maybe trying my hand at making a small game for fun#not right this second but maybe soon? idk depends on a bunch of shit#honestly eternal gales has dragged me through so much whenever I feel hopeless I just have to remember that I Need to make it some day and#imagine ppl asking me questions abt it and analyzing my writing and I go ok so I must persist no matter what I need ppl to read abt them
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Im jus looking at u w big eyes. Tell me what you're autistic about. Infodump get out of jail free card. Any size
oh boy there are. many things. there are so so so many things……. all rattling around my little brain……………….
#obviously art i love u art i love u drawing i LOVE u character design. love love love#i love u videogames hollow knight is my biggest special interest ever it’s literally the best fucking game i’ve ever played i would kill for#it. i would replay it 393748 times it changed my life for the better i think#i just spent like 2 minutes trying to say anything comprehensible about this game but i just. i dont know#i marathon all of mossbag’s videos on a bi-monthly basis if that helps.#extremely autistic about fnaf i have a love-hate relationship with it. it’s literally my life and part of my brain i grew up with it#im never Not thinking about it. but also i can shit all over it sooo bad i can be such a hater of it#ace attorney…. my autidm game. i could never get tired of the characters or the story no matter how much i play#disco elysium <3 i have no words for disco elysium it’s just the best game ever i think. life changing#has kim kitsuragi in there#i love u tv shows i love u gravity falls literally up there with fnaf on the ‘part of my actual life’ shelf#i’ve rewatched it so many times but it never stops being good and the characters never stop being interesting to dissect#i love u steven universe and my love-hate kismesis relationship with it. show that was so perfect but so flawed. but perfect i think#i could go on and on about su im so serious. but i will hold myself back for the greater good#i love u the owl house <3 it is doing everything it can and it is doing so good#i never really got a chance to participate in active analysis and theorizing so that was a good experience for me#got me autistically looking over one single frame to figure out a plot mystery#oughhhhhh i love u anime. chansow man. one pinch man. mop sikey. saiki k. bnha is in there too somewhere#i’m too autistic over bnha sorry i know it’s bad but maybe i just like it when shows are bad and i get to fix them in my head#i get to make everyone my ocs#which by the way im obsessed with my ocs. completely#you guys think im crazy about my fancharacters wait till you see me infodumping about my actual ocs then i might actually explode#ok this is not as long as i wanted to be but i just cant thhink of words when i try to explain how much my interests mean to me#u just have to trust me ok. or wait for a reason for me to go completely ballistic and write like 13k words explaining why hk is the game of#all time. ok (falls over)#cramswering
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if im being honest and allowing myself to vent a bit about it ... another red flag was when the DM went 'wow i love the detail of your backstory but idk what i can do with it tho ):'
#[static]#it immediately made me feel bad for trying to make a character work with the aesthetic she had given us tbh#i could already tell she didnt seem to be super character story driven so i just made a pretty simple drifter-type#for a post-apocalyptic setting n such and made a group that tied into the whole over-arching premise#i also literally just did bullet points cuz i could tell she wasn't gonna want to read one of the backstories i usually do#and as someone who has mostly dm'd in the past i did my v best to make a character that was super easy for the dm to incorporate in any way#like a solid reason for being there a reason for wanting to adventure with strangers a reason for seeing the mission through no matter what#made a whole small faction and connected them to the overarching theme and plot in multiple ways#wrote down lore and npcs she could use for the faction if she didnt want to make up her own#like all the works and all i got was two sentences back about it ... one of them being like 'cool but i dont like the extra details'#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh#ok im done yelling now i just need to vent for a second#i feel bad for feeling kinda bummed about the experience because this is the first time i got to play at a physical table in years#and i know how hard it is to DM#but also when you come to the table with zero notes for the first session its ... probably gonna be disappointing jkfghdf#i DID have fun however because the party banter was hilarious and it was fun getting to hang out with ppl!#but communication between DM and players was not great#also let me be clear she did like that i made so many connections and hooks into the story and it helped her a lot#she was NOT interested in my character's past like ... jobs or npcs#but also u could just Not say anything about it and just be like 'sweet cool thanks for the info' LMAo
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Thinking about the two drabbles I did yesterday where Dean was a bit of an asshole, and I do hope that it doesn't come across in those, or in any fic, that I'm making Dean needlessly antagonistic just because I'm more of a Samgirl. Esp when it comes to him reacting to samifer.
It feels realistic to me, whether due to actual logical reasoning or due to his Various Assorted Issues™️, that Dean's obviously not going to accept his little brother having a relationship with the devil with open arms. You know, it's a combination of Dean's canonical Sam-Abandonment-Complex and also, it's Lucifer, on the heels of Ruby, and what's going to present outwardly as "Sam is making a bad choice and trusting the wrong person. Again. So I need to fight back against that," is really covering up the more self-loathing, "I couldn't protect Sam from Ruby, and if he gets hurt/used/etc again, it'll be my fault for letting it happen a second time."
In one drabble, that showed up as 'separate Sam from the reminder of his trauma that he's keeping for reasons I don't understand', which is! hey that's wrong of him to do! even if Sam is only being hurt by keeping it, what gives Dean the right to make that choice? But he is Dean, he is Sam's older brother, and he is going to make that choice to try and protect him, and I love him for that. Overprotective brother who's making choices without knowing the full story. That's the Supernatural way.
Just some of the behind-the-scenes that goes into writing, I suppose. tl;dr Dean is an asshole and I love him so much.
#he really is trying his best! his best is just. not perfect.#which it shouldn't be! he's dean! he has. All The Issues.#god if i wrote ducifer and turned this around and wrote antagonistic sam#actually that would probably be more full-on angst than mostly humor#god the betrayal there. because dean's thing is abandonment yeah but sam's is betrayal.#dean siding against him. dean choosing for him. dean not being in his corner 100%#like wow these idiots are both so codependent. good for them. bad for everyone else. but good for them.#i mean the obvious solution here is that lucifer just fucks everyone because he's a slut-#ooooooooooooo no see now im thinking about ducifer + sam reactions#depending on the time frame it just gets worse and worse#(i'm not reneging on my hc on sam not being tortured in hell for this angst btw. i wouldn't do that.#and dean wouldn't fuck someone who hurt sam like that so moot point.#but post-cage is a fascinating time for ducifer. because of how much sam & lucifer know each other.#for lucifer to go to dean instead? oh. painful. fascinating. but painful.#eventually could be resolved by sam realizing he's still so very important to luci because he always will be.#the boys disentangling the hierarchy of romance with the devil's help. good for them.#it's the same as sam & dean Both realizing that no matter what other relationships they have. they will always put each other first.#winchester brother chosen platonic life partners v important to me. if you can't tell.)#dean winchester#spn#sam winchester#lucifer spn#samifer#lucifer/sam winchester
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haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh
#not just in y6 but like all the time#dont get me wrong i LOVE them and i love them being sweet and happy and i love kiryu being a good dad ok#but kiryu is uh. not always the best. in ways that i think she should be upset about#and i think the canon narrative doesnt rlly wanna address that bc kiryu is trying so hard and that effort must be forgiven#and for a happy ending to occur the family must be reunited#and i get that but like. haruka's side of the story is often ignored completely#or else boils down to unconditional daughter love in ways that are supposed to be admirable#and again. i love these two dearly. i love them very very much. but i think that tension should be explored#their relationship would be Very Complex and i think it would be Messy tbh. not like screaming fighting per se but i think haruka should be#allowed some moments of Uncle Kaz Im Sick Of Your Shit type stuff#im not even sure why i feel this way specifically bc i know i used to have reasons for it but like. yeah#even if you dont think haruka's justified or that she's missing some details/perspective or whatever i think she should be hurt and upset#about some of The Bullshit. baby girl needs therapy she needs some support and sometimes kiryu just. idk.#anyway go listen to welly boots by the amazing devil. thats basically my thesis statement#look maybe I'm just projecting my own daddy issues or whatever idk. maybe more people should do that with them like. shit#I'll do it someday I'll make that content i swear#sorry thinkjng about the unconditional daughter love again. she's kind of an ideal. she's a fantasy sometimes of a daughter figure who will#always understand how hard you're trying and be cute and love you no matter what. does that make sense??? and it's like. like i almost feel#bad for knocking that bc i get parents are under a lot of stress but i think she should have that power and that agency to be upset with#him. idk if im making sense. she's reduced to the Ideal Daughter and i want her to be loving and kind but with some moments of bitterness
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Vent post
#i feel like such a fucking shit person so often lately#it feels like no matter how hard i care or how much i try to be there for people and help them the more i hurt them instead#like i just feel as though im this awful thing that can only create pain and thats not who i want to be#i wish it was safe to let people love me#because i just want to be loved and love people but i always hurt them#and they pretend like im good for them when all i do is do everything wromg and hurt everyone#and i try to be a good person but it always always making me a worse person#and they dont see that i need to be useful and its the only way i know to love that has ever been safe or understood#if im not useful then how are you supposed to know i care? bc any other form of communication is seen as too much#factually speaking i hurt more than i help and everyone would be far better off without me#but theyre so convinced that im not a bad person that they cant see tgat i only hurt them#i dont even know what im sayoing anymore#i just dont want to think for a while#i just want my mond to shut up#i hate that the best part of me is also the worst part
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love being nd and have the tism wolf Inside me be so drastically uncomfortable with uncertainty that i physically cannot think about school and having to deal w the unknown of that whole situation without losing 5lbs in 2 days
#the club ppl are meeting abt stuff for when school starts and just the reminder of school starting is enough to make me lose all appetite#i had to text a friend and ask him if he could help be there for me when i move in bc of how the situation stresses me out lmao#asked another friend if i can go to their place if i can't take it at the start of the semester#they are so sweet to me 😭😭😭 they haven't moved yet but they told me if they have an extra copy they'll give me their spare keys#but i genuinely go blank in the mind and go catatonic when i think abt. living situations next year bc i gen don't know what the vibe is#it's like probably not gonna be so bad and ik i have the capability to deal w all the scenarios but not knowing what to expect. kills me.#I'd genuinely be okay if i have to pretend i don't live there and i don't exist and get ignored!! i just need to know that now Thanks!!!#but tryin my best to not be reminded i have to deal w this in 2 months but my supervisor mentioned the campus today and now i can't eat lma#he was like u don't even need to go back to campus and im holding everything back to not be like. just take me as a full time worker.#i love school actually. i love learning. i just. thinking abt my living situation and not knowing what to expect when i have to inevitably#. face. my ex. makes me want to shrivel up and die. like icb i have to do this. like really my ex is the most harmless person ever but stil#how do you ever really. look your ex in the eyes ever again anyway. no matter the circumstances of it ending like it's gonna be so awkward?#and it's the avoidant in me and the avoidants I've dated but. I've never had a normal relationship w/ an ex afterwards lmao#but Each time I've ended things they ended at a spot where i didn't have to ever run into them ever again. so. i am not equipped for this.#And I Missed The Room Swap Date and The Regret is Eating me Up like i ugh i can't do this i don't i don't#It might be pessimistic of me but i don't think whatever will ever be resolved i don't think she'll ever want to talk abt it#and if Those are the starting conditions god forgive me if all i want is to get out of here like#if we're never gonna address or resolve anything then at least just let me have it out of sight out of mind#and I'll pretend it'llnevercome up ever again!! I'll rewrite my memories and just run the fuck away!!#my friend is going thru a more severe case of anger n self blame n how could i let them do this to me and im glad i don't feel it that bad#all i have is debilitating fear lmao so I'm just! trying not to think about anything!! i have so much fun and I'm so busy so why do i still#ugh anyway i hate nightmares and autism i really dgi i can deal with any situation so why do i still dread#delete later
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so.
#first of all ive already been told exactly how stupid i am by my dear friend so i know#im dumb#But stiiiilll#remember how last week while i was having an all around breakdown i wrote to Them™?#it was just a stupid text like how you doing#But I mean stupid!! stupid!! so stupid! riiight?#what was i hoping? idk. I just wanted to hear from them and so well i took the matter in my own 2 hands#I missed them and I wanted to hear from them since I think about them 24/7 anyhow#and guess what? they answered me#(we're supposed to be friends of course they did)#and alright we were having a nice convo#i was kinda afraid they'd be kind of stand offish#not bc of anything but probably not to try and lead me on yk?#that's what id do probably - kind but not too involved as not to give any false hope#and im so glad bc they arent doing that! we really did have a nice convo#ok at some point they answered kinda weirdly but that's probably just them being a v bad texter#which - fair - im not that good myself#thing isssss... the convo is still going on. 6 no 7 days later?#they're offering info that they don't need to. asking questions too! it's like they're actually enjoying talking to me!#I want to cry of happiness okay#and ik this doesn't mean a thing - i know it. i know how things stand. I am okay with it.#But to know they still enjoy talking to me and sending their precious little time chatting with me - i mean. fuck#and each time the convo was kinda dying down they still managed to keep it going 😭 i could cry#and today we've really been going back and forth and it's the best thing that's happened to me all month ok? ok.#and they've just asked me how was my morning. totally unnecessary question. im so happy i could die#yes im delusional but im in love so please god please universe - just keep thing convo going a bit more#just let me have this - it's such a small joy and such a small hope - just let me have this for a little while more#I wont go crazy - or i will but it won't hurt me worse than ive already been hurt so the danger is worth it#god I love them that's so awful
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who even give a fuck. yknow
#getting drunk before work because who gives a shit ^_^d#yesterday was real fucking bad so im thinking like why am i even fucking trying you know none of these assholes even talk to me#unless its to go ermmmm i cant help noticing your department isnt achieving infinite growth when will you guys stop sucking#shit? just curious yhaha and if they want to talk about me they go behind my back and ask other people why im cutting#which a) i wear short sleeves this isnt a secret im keeping and 2) fuck you for deciding its your business and then NOT EVEN#ASKING /ME/ but whatever thy want to get pissy at me for their own failure to communicate fucking let them i dont care#ive been killing myself for this stupid job for a year now i wake up in the morning and my first thought is how bad my knee hurts#im one of the best we've got and what do i have to show for it no one fucking talks to me i dont care#no one will go 'hey did you get fucking sloshed before coming here' becaus etheyre scared of talking to m e for some reason#i literally dont know but if they ask then like who fucking cares this isnt on me i dont feel human doing this job i dont feel like a perso#no one treats me like one unless i waste time quote unquote to not do my job and talk to people who like care if i live or die or whatever#so like who fucking cares even ill do whatever i want ill get drunk before work ill do shit at my job ill talk to someone i love fuck it#whatever!!! should have acted like i was a person instead of ignoring the people youre throwing into a meatgrinder for profit i guess#who fucking cares!#already had my MOTHER get weird about me buyng booze for reasons that are none of her fucking business and that she#wouldnt know the details of anyway if she hadnt been snooping because i have no privacy and no space of my own lol#so might as well drink it i guess it was 30 bucks anyway and i dont have any fucking moneyyyyyyyy so what am i#who am i fucking KIDDINGGGGGGGGGG lol its fucked its all fucked!!! whatever!!! who give a shit!!! nothing fucking matters
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ive been working these past few months on trying to like.. every time im in a good enough mood and i go outside i try to notice whenever i see someone who has like a beautiful face or great hair or a great look and i briefly stop them and give them a compliment right, i feel like its one way i can do a little bit of good for other peoples days and it helps me practice social skills and be less paranoid about other people. its always went well but one person today seemed clearly annoyed and just said "thanks" in this like, frustrated tone (felt like she was verbally rolling her eyes) and now im :( .. its dumb to focus on that bc she prob was just having a bad day or thought i was trying to hustle her or whatever, and i complimented like 10 other people who were all happy and smiled and all so it shouldnt matter, but now im just going to focus on the one time it went poorly and feel insecure lol. anyway something wrong w me
#97#i understand that as i look like a guy its bound to happen that a woman would eventually not like it#but i do my absolute best to not come off like some guy hitting on them (having had the experience enough to know how they come off)#i always politely say “hi excuse me you have a very beautiful face have a good day” and keep walking#so that its clear im not expecting to start a conversation#and i always speak very softly and try to come off as friendly and nonthreatening#but i understand that no matter what if im not looking Very Clearly GNC (hence assumed to be gay) it might still come off that way#but now i feel bad ig#idk maybe i need to figure out more codes#im thinking maybe its bc we were in a somewhat empty street and it mightve set off some instincts#so ig if i compliment women i should try to only do it if were in a more populated street?#or maybe i just shouldnt compliment women at all unless i look gay that day#but maybe im overthinking it and she just had other shit on her mind and it was simply a bad time#its so so stupid i keep replaying it in my head and beating myself up over it and it was a 5 second interaction#meanwhile i had like a dozen other successful interactions why cant i just focus on that#i shouldnt have complimented her face.. it doesnt come off as hitting on someone if you compliment the outfit or hair#but she did have a beautiful face :( one of those faces from classical portraits yknow?#im overthinking this minute interaction i think. its fine ill be fine its ok.... etc
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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