#i dont even know what im sayoing anymore

[bereft-reeling]

Vent post

[livecharliereaction]

gonna be a long ahh post

ill try to see if theres anything strange for all of them but i dont remember all alibis n circumstances etc im using the red truths + question arc tip screen oki thats all i have Well i have my liveblogs too but that doesnt seem useful. first ep didnt have red truths yet but im quite sure it had to have been natsuhi or maria so

this was natsuhi + krauss + eva + hideyoshi + rudolf + kyrie

rosas definitely weird in ep2 i very vividly recall her BEING in that chapel too but i could be misremembering that part. though beatrice was there

this whole ordeal was a little strange i wish i remembered who exactly witnessed her bcs i feel like it wasnt just natsuhi n servants... Kyrie definitely saw her yes? I dont know what to make of it. What a cute outfit though shes so cute

also these mentions on shannon n kanon ep2 descs Awh

kanons key or servant involvement seeing as none of the others were first 6

kanon n jessica couldve killed each other Why? Who knows But someone carried kanons body out

"no one is hiding (regarding jessicas room)" STop i wouldve said that too im just like him i cant diss his abilities anymore.

Oh but also "kanon was killed in this room" =/= "kanon was killed in this room at that time" Im thinking about the scene where he "reappears" again i think its been said theres no disguise stuff so maybe

am i confusing the scenes because "theres no corpse" What happened in the doctors room???? when they saw him come back and bury his fingers to that wound i wouldve said he mightve died at that moment but then whats with the corpse. Girl

i miss her so much shes so funny "You are incompetent" in red is crazy

Beato:(.......

rosa had the keys yeahhhhhh i dont exactly remember Why i thought she was weird at the time but it was probably her. She was running around w the rifle too Well thats all for ep2 anyway

wtf even was charumi3 that was evas time to shine yes

Its definitely dead

None of the six committed suicide! hmm the weird linked one i remember it Though. Isnt "The six died instantly" incorrect in kinzos case if he was already dead... Since its a separate statement it doesnt have to refer to those six yes?? So maybe one of them besides kinzo didnt die instantly... Like battler suggested w a chain murder or one person going around to make up the chained rooms

Then theyd have a key too... girl i dont remember what eva was doing at this time also

at that point eva was supposedly in her room w a headache while witch eva was killing them so yeah doesnt look great for eva That servant things still possible too + rosa might as well have killed maria though idk who killed rosa in that case

eva did not kill hideyoshi... servant thing still strong and also wtf was kyrie thinking here anyway might as well blame her n then say eva killed kyrie but i forgor where eva was here again oopsie

"No life forms other than humans have any connection to this game" seems like a witch denying phrase but ok i guess its not a life form then

Lol. Once again kinzo thing makes this not matter... Though there go all my servants dawg maybe that was only for first twilight then

that is worrying. Do you think kanon n shannons names being pseudonyms affects the red truth. "shannon is dead" What if shannon is the idea of her servitude to the family and she threw it away for some reason and that way theres a Sayo who is killing people and doesnt really break the truths "shannon is dead" OR "there are no more than 18 humans on this island" All that goes for kanon too im just pretending that i didnt spoil myself his real name haha. Well kanon even more so since they made him appear and all but that couldve been jessicas delusion too...

she used to have so much fun that beato...

also even if eva was confirmed to not be involved in nanjos death that doesnt negate she couldve done well.everything else heart

thought about "Because of your sin, people die." a lot yesterday... The part about it not being about or with beatrice is of course very confusing and weird But yeah i cant even guess except apparently hes the reason the game exists? Or at least the reason it goes on or more specifically "cause of the eternal torture between us"

I dont understand how it could be about anything else BUT beatrice but ok. Maybe he was mean to maria like ange. But maria was literally 3 years old at that point... I guess he left the family 6 years ago but im having a terrible time trying to understand whats wrong with that really I guess asumu isnt blood related to him afterall but it cant be this great big sin beefing with rudolf u know. Id think his comebacks the reason the cerenomy was seen fit to be carried out (thinking about the amount of people) but angie wouldve normally been there instead of him anyway so the amount of people is the same and its over 14 anyway (13 sacrifices + whoevers imitating the epitaph) so i dont really understand blinks

i like when he goes Ah ngagh nnnghhh aaghh...!!! this vn loves to make people roar also They do it all the time. battler n beato do it the most but eva and many others always roaring too

also??? according to the wiki they didnt use red truth at all in ep3 until this point thats crazy i guess beato really WAS more careful about it

oh ange i miss u

i cant even tell what the first ones about theres no game record in ep4 tips how annoying <- doesnt remember at all what happened. Well ange was there uhh.

nvm its definitely about this one. I seriously remember nothing there was so much ange ange ange it was all eyes on ange.... I might reread my liveblogs

OH YEAH it was ppl supposedly witnessing kinzo killing everyone. Although uh "all ... acknowledged the presence of kinzo" Thats very different from "kinzo was there n killed everyone"... It couldve been in spirit or even if his corpse was there. Also last ones crazy u can just change that well i guess they were counting a corpse then

thats crazy confusing combined with knoxs rule about no accidents... what is left...

STOP. THERE GO BOTH OF MY SUSPECTS STOP IT

none of these negate kanon n rosa culprit yeah?

omfg wtf theres an image limit let me do the rest in another post

[littleinfinitiy]

February 12, 2024

Mondayyyyyyyy. You know what i used to love mondays. Nung mga panahong nagsisimula palang ako sa industry. Yung pagsakay ng bus. Pagbyahe uwian tapos sobrang traffic. Pero nung narealize ko how hard monday is ayun nagbago pananaw ko HAHAHAHAHA like monday nanaman kailangan magtrabaho. Pwede bang matulog na lang? Pero syempre hindi pwede! Kasi may mga pangarap ako e. Not for me. Para sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Sa pamilya ko. Kaya ayun tinitiis ko ang monday. HAHAHAHA pero parang magugustuhan ko ulit ang monday lalo kung ikaw makikita ko pag gising. Hoy HAHAHAHA miss lang kitaaaa hehe. Dana puro lakad lang naman ako kasi today parang buong araw ako naglakad. Well sabi mo nga okay na din para exercise HAHAHAHAHA pero alam mo nagtatampo ako na natatawa sa ginawa mo saking pagblock HAHAHAHA kaynis. Nagtatampo ako kasi di mo nabasa life update ko. Natatawa ako kasi di ko alam ano naisip mo at ginawa mo sakin yun. Akala ko kasi nagjojoke kalang sa sinabi mong bablock mo talaga ako e. HAAHAHHA sa sunod mahal idlip lang walang blockan ah! Galing mo talaga e no HAHAHAHAHA

Natapos lang naman yung monday ng wala akong ginagawa sa office kasi wala man yung magtetest nung ginagawa kong module. So kami nakatunganga lang din sa office maghapon HAHAHAHA tapos uwian na pero tulog ka pa din. Tapos nakablock pala ko HAHAHAHAHA nung gabi naman naglaro lang tayo e. Tawang tawa pa din ako dun sa nakalaro mo mahal "THAT'S MY BABA RIGHT THERE" HAHAHAHAHA ang sweet kaya. Sa sobrang sweet chocolate si gago HAHAHAHAHAHA thats love mahal kaya naiintindihan ko sya. Alam mo yung kahit tanso ako pero naicheer naman kita? Okay na yun. Pero mukhang di okay sayo yun HAHAHAHAHAHA and ayun pagkatapos natin maglaro diretso higa na ko pero ikaw nagutom nanaman HAHAHAHA

Ayaaaaan. HAHAHAHAHAHA saya ka dyan mahal ah. syempre mas masaya ako sa pinag gagagawa mo cutie e HAHAHAHAHA tapos ayun tamang kwentuhan lang ng mga bagay bagay. Actually naalala ko lang sobrang dami pala nating napag usapan no? Realization sa buhay. Past life. Past experiences. Kanya kanyang family. Buhay ng ibang tao. Buhay mo. Buhay ko ay ikaw. Hoy HAHAHAHAHA and naalala ko lang yung sinabi mo nga na about dun kela lei. Na what if ganun na din tayo. Magulo. Sasakalin mo nalang ako para di ako mapunta sa iba HAHAHAHAHA tuluyan mo nalang ako mahal pag ganun ha? Yun ang gagawin mo. Di kita papakulong pramis HAHAHAHA kidding aside mahal. Pag magulo na tayo? Edi magulo! HAHAHAHA de, pag magulo siguro tayo, someone has to stay calm. Para balance yung sitwasyon. Like ako magulo pero ikaw kalmadao. Vice versa man. Sa ganung way magiging maayos yung mga bagay bagay i guess? Ang hirap din kasi talaga magsalita ng tapos mahal e. Pero as much as possible as much as i know is ganun dapat. Di pwedeng sabay kayong magrumble yung utak kasi something big might happen. Something bad. Basta pag di mo na ko maintindihan mahal mas intindihin mo ko ha? Ganun din ako sayo. Alam mong deep inside mahal na mahal kita kahit sobrang gulo na. Pag ganun iisipn ko yung mga moments na shinare natin together. Even the smallest things we did na magkama. Para sa ganung paraan mahimasmasan ako hehe sa ngayon kung ano nangyayari satin dito muna tayo magfocus sa current situation natin. Medyo magulo man. Medyo nahihirapan man kakayanin natin ang kanya kanya nating struggle sa buhay. Pero kahit ganun na kanya kanyang problema tayo sa ngayon mahal, just know na merong ako para takbuhan mo okay? And ako din alam kong nandyan ka lang sa gedli nag aantay sakin sa sariling struggle din. Im looking forward din na from our own struggles turn into our struggles not our own anymore. Yung magkasama na tayo sa lahat hehe haysss sa sobrang daldal natin pareho di na natin namalayan oras. I dont worry much din naman kasi nag eenjoy din ako kakwentuhan ka hehe i just love hearing ur stories mahal. Kasi ikaw naman pag kwinikwentuhan kita nakakatulog ka e HAHAHAHA but dont get me wrong ah. I still love telling u stories kahit pa tulog ka. HAHAHAHAHAHA hanggang sa napagod na tayo pareho kakadaldal at nakatulog na. Mga gantong moment lang malaking bagay na sakin mahal e. Makita at marinig lang kita okay na e. Kahit pa awayin mo pa ko. Pero wag mo masyado galingan ah mahina puso ko mahal e HHAHAHAHAHA iloveyou sooooo much! ❤️❤️

[ninthtwilight]

sorting out Playlist Stuff.

HUGE spoilers under the cut. if youre stumbling on this and do not already know The Spoiler / have not finished reading you should skitter off. this is going to get really long so like buckle up.

here is the playlist itself. its private, but the link will let u listen if u keep it. tracks 3, 6, and 7 are loud. the final track gets loud at the end.

SO. this is a sayo / beato / shkanon centric playlist. some tracks represent one more than the others. it varies. here goes lmao.. WOW i hate tumblr text editing.

track 1: the entire fucking track honestly hits. but specifically:

wild animal, caught in natures stride / ill go rabid on sight, you cant run nor hide / you cant escape might longer / dont try to fly away + and i pray for love / all ive done / i pray for you / all you are

this is, to me, extremely like. early beato. the witch of the legend ! larger than life, cruel and unflinching. yet there is something underneath it all, something we dont know yet. theres a couple different segments of the song that remind me of the different aspects of sayo, which is neat.

track 2: really this one is just about vibe setting. to me it represents like that feeling of the story opening and unravelling the mystery.. before we reach the heart

track 3: aggressive and Loud. this is her at her most brash and ruthless.

youre a lot like me, im a lot like you.

ithink this one is pretty obvious, tbh.

track 4: the vibe begins to shift here.

i feel like a monster, feel like a monster / tell me im not, tell me im not

"who am i ?". something desperate and pleading. the heart, showing itself. 'please hear me'.

track 5: ohhhhh boy. go read all of the lyrics for it. its hard to pick a selectoin. but i went with this:

i dont love me anymore / and all my thoughts become a total jealous void / maybe next year, we'll implode / wouldnt that be nice, for a change ?

.. 6 years.

track 6: HARD vibe shift.

i've melted myself into this room i'm in / the things we see aren't the same / and / you can't see at all / you can't see it / you can't see it / you can't see

tht desperation to be aknowledged as real. as herself.

track 7: Pain Peko.

....YEah. between the title and the pure agony and crushing feeling this track brings to the table, it felt perfect.

and it always ends the same, with me in your mouth again / ill ride your coattails if i cant reach the rest of you

+

and i grew a hundred teeth to treat you like the food i eat / i break the plate, you wont stay ahead of me forever (and nobody could ever understand)

track 8: a few lyrics stuck out to me here:

i want this to hurt / i want you to tear me open / i want you to feel me underneath your fingernails + tell me you feel this / tell me you know my hearts alive / say you wanna tear me open again

"hurry and kill me quickly". the endless fighting between one another, but desperately just wanting to be understood under it all

track 9: we are reaching full sadness saturation quick after this one. this one is dripping a bitterness almost to me that REALLY reminded me of kanon specifically

alight is the flame / that lights my soul and casts me down to hell / i've got a lot of secrets i can't tell / i guess you too + so you're in love, so you're in love with me / i tell you, honest to god / you better move on

im not 100% on this tracks placement. it might scoot up higher. shrug. WE ARE NOW IN FULL SAD. HERE WE GO.

track 10: this song like hit me in the face when i first heard it.

embrace my body / pretend it wasn’t even there / it wasn’t even there + and when i lie awake / i can see figures in my head / (do you too) / if so can i ask / do i resemble any of them ?

You Know. You Know.

track 11 + 12: these are both instrumental ambient tracks. there is something about them that very strongly hit me. the quiet love and sadness within 11, and the aching gentleness of 12. absolutely beautiful works. a moment to breathe before the end

track 13: OHHH BOY.

just. the entirety of it.

look what i've done / now i'm the only one for you it gets so lonely, doesn't it? / i never expected this and we fall together / and we call each other / cause there's no one else to call

this screams ep8 to me. HARD. it felt like the perfect conclusion to this as a result.

there are a couple tracks that are NOT on sc that i would put in here. for exampl one is 'pathetic' by S:

did it mess you up ? this wasnt in the plan / i wish you werent trying to do this / you might hate me for it later + are you missing last year ? / are you missing me ? / so ive lost this game / please go away.

heavy ep4 "i dont want to do this anymore" "go rest. i will handle it all." energy imo.

anyway. yeah. theres my weird playlist. i want to make more for other characters too big time :0)

[iwashere666]

I was gonna tell you earlier, after listening to your stories, what I feel. Why am I like this.

But the you replied with "Yung mga ganyan mo, sabi ko naman sayo, magkaroon ka ng control"

Then I stopped talking. I don't know what tp say anymore.

I guess because its the same shit all over again that you already know what to expect to hear from me.

Im sorry

I was just gonna tell you that earlier, even tho nothing happened, I feel so heavy.

It seems like Ive been having a hard time taking control again. Im trying. Ive been trying

And Idk. I feel like one day I might just lose it. I dont know what to do anymore. I need help.

Yeah. But again you're right. I should do this on my own coz I wont be able to move forward if I dont.

[jaxparagas]

I arrived home today. And nakita ko sa side ng bed ko yung pinadala mo. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung mag eenglish ako or taglish or tagalog na lang. Nahihiya ako baka makita mo mga wrong grammar ko hahahaha. Nag eexam ako kanina, it was bioethics. And then while taking the exam, nasa number 56 ata ako non, ramdam ko vibration ng phone ko. I cant really focus na non. Sinilip ko and unregistered number. Hindi naman ako sumasagot ng call from unknown callers kaya hinayaan ko lang but after 3 or 4 missed calls, tumayo na ako and nagpaalam kay ma’am if pwede ko sagutin yung tumatawag sa phone ko. Fortunately, pinayagan niya naman ako. Siya yunh kinaiinisan ko na teacher actually. Si ma’am Pharma. ALAM MO BA WALA SA EXAM YUNG MGA DINISCUSS NIYA, AS IN WALA. But anyway, lumalayo na naman ako sa sinasabi ko, so yon, sinagot ko outside and sabi may pinapagrab and I dont remember na may ganon ako. And then naalala kita.

Hindi ko alam bakit but nakafeel ako ng shiver na nagrun sa spine ko. And then ramdam ko na nanginginig na voice ko. Sabi ko iwan na lang doon or sa landlady namin kasi hindi nagpipick up kapatid ko.

Pagbalik ko sa room, hindi na ako makafocus sa exam. Ikaw kasi! Hay nako hahaha.

Nung nakita ko binigay mo pagkauwi ko, I stood there, for like 5 minutes. Feel ko ang tagal tagal ko nang nakatayo and tinititigan lang yon. Sabi ko ayoko na umiyak but nafeel ko na lang na uminit yung eyes ko. And then I found myself wiping my tears na. You always make me cry nakakainis. Nakauwi ako like 5:30PM and until now, hindi ko pa rin magawang lapitan or hawakan yung nakapaper bag dito, yung mga binigay mo. I even try to avoid looking at it kasi pinapaiyak mo na naman ako. Kung tatanungin mo ko bakit ako umiiyak, hindi ko rin alam. Maybe because you’re so kind and perfect to me yet hindi ko pa rin magawang magstay, maging strong. Im sorry. I dont know. Im so tired. Even I dont understand my self.

Oh so pano ko bubuksan tong mga to? Nakita ko may nakasulat na Jane and naiiyak na ako? Hahahahha Even on viber, the thought na ioopen ko conversation natin, naiiyak na ako agad. Ish. Nakakainis. Dapat kasi bago ako umalis don mo na lang binigay, ayan exam week na exam week pinapaiyak mo ko.

Ang dami ko gusto ikwento. Sobra. Mga nangyari last week, tapos this week, mga sagot ko sa exam na alam kong mali, mga ginawa namin nila Raj. You were my greatest listener. You always listened. You always cared. You always saw me beautiful. You were always there for me kahit ako nq yung mali. Nakakainis talaga sabi ko hindi na ako iiyak ihhh! Thats what made you different from all the guys I met. You didnt let my past define me. I felt so beuatiful and so loved every time that Im with you.

Gusto pa kitang makita, makausap, mayakap, pero maiiyak na naman ako. And ang hirap umuwi ng bahay baon ko yung realization na Im really letting you go. Ang sakit. I love you. Alam ko napamahal na ako sayo and ang sarap mong mahalin kasi mas mahal mo ako. I love you. So much na ang sakit na pinipili kong makipaghiwalay. Im sorry.

Ang sarap sa feeling na sinuportahan mo ko sa lahat. Lagi mo kong pinupush to give my best. When I felt na tama na, na hindi ko na kaya, you proved me wrong. I miss your hugs. So much. I miss your scent, your warmth, your laugh, your smile. Ayoko na kasi buksan pa yung messages, ayoko mapahaba usapan natin kasi I really dont want to cry anymore. Ayoko na umiyak.

Thank you for everything. While taking my exams, feel ko hawak mo kamay ko because of the watch you gave me. Continue holding my hand lang everytime na mag vavital signs taking ako, kasi ikaw partner ko, sayo lang ako tumitingin ng time eh. Thank you for always understanding me. Kahit wala na akong time sa atin, kahit hindi mo na ako makausap ng maayos, palagi kang positive. Always waiting for me. I love you. Thank you. And Im sorry if I cant stay. Nakakawala ng purpose, I dont even know if tama pa ba tong course na to hahahahaha. I just feel so tired. Gusto ko na magrest. But I dont want to disappoint you. Kahit nakakawalang gana na mga exams, ayan ka na naman still pushing me to give my best. Thank you, my love, for everything. I love you, please take care of yourself. Get enough sleep and dont overwork yourself.

Im contemplating pa whether on inviting you or no to meet before I leave Baguio, kasi naman feel ko iiyak na naman ako and I really dont want to cry na but gusto ko kasi hug. Gusto ko hug mo

[deepestweaselgardeneggs]

Got a dream last night.

We were in a same house.. vacation house in particular. All of us. family. With her .

Then , the time comes .. I asked you again. Why? I keep on asking those questions. even in my unconscious state.

Guess what?

You said . You really don't love me anymore.

You said...

"nakita ko sa knya yung mga bagay na wala sayo"

Maasikaso sya.. inaalagaan nya ko.

pinagluluto nya ko.

Thats what exactly you told me.

In my dream.. I did try all my best to hurt you physically. .

but I know that my energy was not enough. its not hurting u.

I cried and cried all over again..

Tears wont stop .

Pain wont go..

then I saw a beautiful scenery from the top view.

Blank emotion, Seeking an answer, loneliness while looking at it. At the same time there was peace.

It'ws odd that I don't feel the sadness.

Then the next scenario was with you again..

Again , I was trying to hurt you kick and punch you as I could.

Until I got tired.

I got tired and no energy left to hold on to my emotion.

I got tired and stopped.

Then your mama called and asked me to pick her up ..

Then it change scenario.

I'm on the couch.. with you( the feelings were still the same. Im tired of you, but what you are doing is different.. you put your head on my shoulder and I dont feel anything.

I'm still tired. I still feel the betrayal that cause me pain.

The last part was meal time

We were eating with the family . and I am still mad. while she's get food I stood up and took one for me.

I wanted to push her. But did not do it.

You were just eating.

[livecharliereaction]

manga ep2 big post part 2/?

this art style is kind of crazy ANYWAY. Ughhhhh. Somehow this too is about yasuda gender. Its so. Endless gender for the endless witch

Made jessica cry. Jessica im so sorry

completely forgot this is like A Rosa Episode lowkey ouhhhhh In the end. I love her too. But thats just because i can see...

COLOREEEED PRETTYYY oh shannon kanon counter but its just them and genji too

she said witch beatrice shes so fun i love her another fave-since-ep1 for sure

Keeping an eye on her and genji as well. Ugh. And nanjo too.

Hardest two in all of life <- i typed this sentence then looked away from the puter to talk to family for 2 secs and looked back and realised it doesnt make any fucking sense but i agree

Whys this art style making him look crazy cool well hes cool in ryukishi too but its like lame-cool this is like well i dont know

most normal girl ever

thank god for the love that i can see with because she is so evil. maybe its pretty privilege too Oh but rosas pretty and yet i hated her at one point. Idk something about eva is just. Ughhh

NOT sure about her btw im interpreting it as yasuda playing with her and marias fun and kanon here is kinda just hoping to get a perspective But also could be a lot of her doing play-pretend based on like A few interactions. I have to take a big look at mariage sorciere when its more relevant i mean itll be talked here but other eps too

BADDIE. Why i kinda like this style so much?!!!? Anyway easy to explain why rosa can see her (yasuda felt bad for little maria and dressing up. ill have to look but that might be the distinction between the two outfits)

Study door handle burned her hand i guess its because kinzo shouldnt be seen right now

SHES MENTIONING HOW KANON DOESNT HAVE TO BE FURNITURE ANYMORE I FORGOT ABOUT ALL OF THAT SHE KEPT PROMISING IT BUT I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD. OH MAN

Exact same rank...

Lol gohda is so. Such an inoffensive character all in all? He does NOTHING for us. Or maybe i just dont have the love to see it. Like what his role is in the big picture. Hes just there. I dont think thats a bad thing though

Its so fucking good. Makes you wonder though. About genji kumasawa and even nanjos motivation to let her do her thing... Because kinzos supposedly already dead, are they really so loyal to give him his "redemption" despite that...

He says he never met her though and he doesnt think they had a child. Ugh.

maria keeps saying crazy things shes so funny light of the party

sayo. Ohmmmmm. I think the translation team changed cos the other one had her tell him her name is kiyo no? yeah i checked she definitely told him that. thats interesting

shes so funny i love her sense of humor its so great. Anyway one of the most iconic scenes in this ep commence

shes sleeping guys no shes meditating

girlslove

u crazy

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS BEING HERE OH MY GODDDDDD OK OK OK OK

i remember being a little confused when i first read on why tf they were focusing so much on the locked rooms but thats the thing now. and besides how else would u approach it well i dont know

its all about the closed rooms and the closed (cat)boxes etc

i need her . When her demeanor and appearance are partially specifically tailored for battler to like her Well call me battler cos it works. It does make u feel a bit bad though doesnt it

he doesnt like the rule though hes all zen zen dame da about it

shes got the gun and shit shes taking chargeeeeee.... queen

oh hell show UP ALRIGHT seriously one of my fav scenes to this day and this is like what ep 2

eughhhhhhh ughhhhh uhghhhhghghh well Yyeah To be fair with the truth and all im still not sure how it was done something something kumasawa or whatever its conceivable

they draw her so strange (good)

Omg its just like ep6

GIRLSLOVE

battler asked rosa how she can prove shes not a wolf Ohhhh girl. Hey maria. Im going to be the father that stepped up

[ikusayu-no-hana]

kiden!! act ii

LETS GO THIS IS MY MOST FAVOURITE SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF TKRB EVER

genuinely fully in love with the idea of kasen narrating events like theyre a story. because thats such a rare glimpse of his vulnerability. and.......this is the first time we see him open up about his past and describe what really made him who he is, apart from the sanjuurokkasen incident.

he’s so full of love isn’t he? burdenless, still innocent, pure happiness. what we’re being shown is his time as a tsukumogami, several decades before tadaoki baptized kasen in blood. but as of now, where gracia is singing her child to sleep, kasen’s heart is, dare i say, the purest it’s ever been, because the tragedy comes in way later. it almost hurts to see what kasen used to be in the past.

(ofc the part of him being a tsukumogami at this point is just speculation and how i choose to interpret it)

oh yougknow i cried. i cried so hard when the camera switched to him mouthing the lullaby and tapping his finger on his sword to the rhythm. how many times had he heard that song before? he’s got it completely memorized . its about the tenderness its about the fondness its about the soft feelings . he’s had all these stories stored away in him with no one to tell them to and its so sad. its so so sad.

the way kasen adds his own little interjections in their conversations even though they cant hear him? love

nodding his head as his parents (thats what they are, arent they?) happily discuss their child’s future. this is the happiest scene in the entirety of kiden.

whenever kasen switches to narrating again he’s the present kasen, more somber, pained. it gives me whiplash.

i’ll mention it here for the sake of perspective: in the first scene, tama and tadaoki were 17 years old, and that baby was the future hosokawa tadataka. the honnouji incident would happen in 1582, when they were both just 19 years old (holy shit thats nearly how old im gonna be.............anyway). and kasen, at that point, was ofc a relatively young tsukumogami, having been forged in 1505.

he looks at his hand like he’s surprised it moved on its own.........

i find it so infinitely profound that it’s kasen himself who gives gracia that name. ‘the grace/blessing of god’

tadaoki’s terrible temper and jealousy were the real cracks in their relationship werent they.

FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTIME KASEN TURNS AWAY FROM THE VIOLENCE I CANT HELP DOING THE SAME. its such a human thing to turn away from something so morally terrible and kasen cant bear watching it. if he turned away from just this one murder, imagine how he mustve felt when tadaoki used him to end 36 innocent lives at once. its one thing to kill that many people in battle, because obviously the purpose of a sword is to be a weapon of war, but quite another to be used to end innocent lives as a means to set a mere example. kasen’s first kills ever broke the samurai code. no wonder he says the others dont know what kind of face to make around him.

there it is. she calls tadaoki a demon. an oni.

when you grow up in distrustful, toxic environment like that you learn to shut yourself up because you dont feel safe in it anymore and internalize it all as a method of coping, and thats exactly what happened to kasen. as the scenes go on and on he talks to them less (+ the fact that one by one, most of the hosokawa swords left the family, and kasen was left mostly alone for the next centuries, but i digress) the sanjuurokkasen incident just solidified that permanently . and as we’ve seen in the past sutes, that + tadaoki’s temperament affects the way he interacts with others, most notably ookurikara. and him absolutely coddling sayo, keeping him to himself, not letting him mingle with the Date swords.

The cherry on top of this scene is how kasen comes forward, saying the same lines from giden, ‘a bloodstained kimono isn’t elegant…not elegant at all’ while looking at his right sleeve, paralleling gracia’s own bloodstained right sleeve. He’s horrified, but at the same time, looks at it with resignation. The pure, untainted kasen of the past is………..no more. Love is pain, is the lesson tadaoki carved into him.

the sword tadaoki used for stabbing the gardener wasnt kasen. its obvious that kasen identifies himself with gracia, as a horrified witness, a victim even. him looking at his sleeve and being dyed red as well is proof of that.

on the other hand, if we discount the tsukumogami theory, it becomes like this: kasen is reliving the story inside him, right from the beginning of their marriage, and somewhere deep, deep inside, he’s still capable of being as kind and tender as we saw. full of love and trust. he’s just built so many walls around himself that it doesnt come out as open display after all.

im not sure which interpretation hurts more.

The next scene is like a bandaid over a gunshot wound lol

>Nikkari and kotegiri look at each other like ‘ah, there he is, let's do our thing’

I really like how the two wakizashi (sasuga wakizashi, always there to support you <3) have their own unique ways of comforting kasen. nikkari offers to have a bath together, an indirect way of offering concern, while kotegiri straight out asks him what happened. Im . you can see the concern they have for him, to approach him like that. im so glad kasen has friends that notice and look after him (<- sounding like a parent)

I know kasen says theyre not his memories but rather tadaoki’s story inside of him, but, in essence….arent they the same? Everything kasen narrated felt like his own experiences, the story he lived through, and the will he inherited.

>nikkari kneeling next to a lantern is such subtle nod to his story

awwwww its so cute how nikkari and kasen explain the battle tactics to kotegiri, he feels like their little brother wwww i love these three

kasen is right to be concerned about chougi taking kokin out for a ‘stroll’

I love how nikkari is honest without being overbearing thats literally  what kasen needs and i will scream about it from the rooftops. I really really like him so much and I hope hes involved in future plays as well  Please god  !

oh he’s so perceptive. literally leaves kasen, the poet, speechless. nikkari is amazing.

Kotegiri is so ????????? considerate?????????????????? he didnt want kasen to meet tadaoki in that state bc he thought he’d be disillusioned??!?!!?! im. thats so fucking sweet of kotegiri. to think of sparing kasen more pain. urhgrhghdghdfjnjdknfjdn going to cry wait. (kasen gives him a little smile at this. ueeeeueeueueeeee)

'utsukushisa wa, tokaku hito wo kuruwaseru' is such an abstract, raw, line. what the fuck kasen. it reminds me of this one paradigm i came across: beauty is terror. and what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? its important to note kasen says beauty (美しさ), and not love.

kasen's implicitly wondering if tadaoki's madness came from his perfect, married bliss. you could actually write an entire thesis paper on this scene alone.

btw just a thought but i think these screencaps should be framed and hung up at the Louvr–*gunshots* im totally biased when i say he's the most beautiful character in touken ranbu. in all its adaptations. forever and ever. ok just had to get that out lets continue.

im counting this little uta-gumi-interaction as the canon altered one after his kiwame. our kasen knows kotegiri well enough, and accepts the other forms of ‘uta’ that the other honmaru’s kasen couldnt. bless sute for drawing from original game content and somehow coming up w an even better interaction. viva la moonwalk !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yay lets go on to the next scene while im still reeling about the hosokawa family!)

chougi hiding the fact that he's an inspector is an intentional plot point isnt it. i think he's going to be a central character in piecing together all the hints and clues from all the altered timelines to solve the Great Mikazuki Mystery. thats why he asked for the other honmaru's report from kasen at the end of kahakugeki.

oh my god that means no one recognized even his voice? i mean he was disguised and had a mask and everything in jurakutei's investigation so understandably they wouldnt know what he looked like, but his voice, surely???? i think manba will come back and surely surprise us with the fact that he knows. im counting on that.

kokin is SO perplexed and his face screams ??????? but he's being so nice about it. to be fair it WAS chougi that derailed their conversation anyway so kokin's justified .

man. kokin-sama is so beautiful. tsukaryo is so beautiful.

i like this chougi way more. the guy from the other honmaru in kahakugeki was more...stoic and brutal, suggesting theyd kill jizou if it came to that. but our chougi (<3) doesnt comment further on kokin's wish, just apologizes for suspecting him.

>kokin's senses r apparently sharper than chougi's bc he picked up on kikkou and shishiou eavesdropping on them

I LAUGHED THEYRE SO ADORABLEEEEE

here! chougi's interest is peaked as soon as shishiou mentions the troublesome bunkyu tosa-han inv. it must be this that sets chougi's sirens off, along w kuroda kanbei.

yeah, theyre not humans but stories.....fictionalised, romanticized accounts from unreliable memories, all mixed up and messy.

seifu.......

just occurred to me that once they got back to their inn (?) they mustve found kasen nikkari kote relaxing in the bath jdsnjsdnvkjnjkzsn. chougi, to kokin kikkou shishiou: saa, guzuguzu suru na! *finds the wakizashi and their captain in the ofuro after a traumatic event*

why make promises no one can ever hope to keep......😭😭😭😭

the way this timeline operates is completely different from the one in tosa worked. its actually terrifying how connected it is to gracia's will. like its completely living. (imagine if the city in this one started moving randomly tho. they wouldve never gotten out the dark passage). while ryouma is the last person to transform into his.....alternate form, gracia is the first, and only when she has transformed do all the other daimyo also transform

yea i lost count of how many times theyve said chichi naru deus rip. (would their god really wish for such a thing to happen to the natural world though? such an ...... unworldly thing. just saying . if i was a christian i wouldve immediately known the history revisionists were the devil's minions. but then again i cant imagine how terrible it mutsve been for them as a religious minority to be persecuted and hiding their entire lives in fear of death. they wanted to live. its different from the bunkyu-tosa humans where they wished for the future of the country as a whole. here, the christians make their own country for their own benefit.)

i love how everyone’s instantaneous reaction to being surrounded by enemies is to gather around kasen in position.

i remember being tired out in the second half of kahakugeki bc there were a lot of fights but they werent fights with real actors. kiden fortunately doesnt bore me because all the swordfights are so much cooler, and with real enemies too :)

i was just thinking 'wouldnt it be too crowded to fight so many people in such a narrow tunnel?' and then kikkou and nikkari literally save the day by chipping in!

i love the fact that sute emphasizes the 'aoe' instead of nikkari. i think kotegiri is the only one who calls him 'nikkari-san', everyone else calls him by his smith name, creating this sense of formal distance.

'bokutachi wa kigai sou da na' in many ways, aoe and kikkou are the same; werent they both shortened? aren't they both a little strange?

KURAGIRI TSUURO MY BELOVED

the way kokin says he found something is so funny like. they mustve been groping around in the dark for some kind of clue as to where theyre going and kokin just finds something that very coincidentally happens to be just what they need and kote and shishiou r like OHHHHH. and then they start dancing. i was surprised but i loved it. esp the lighting.......the overhead dark blue complementing their lanterns’ orange glow was a palette artists (me) would go crazy over . kasen looks beautiful btw.

🤡🤡🤡 besties how could you get lost you were LITERALLY DANCING TOGETHER A SECOND EARLIER.

noooo jizou dont run awayysydyfhdsajsf youre hurting kokinnnn

HOW is jizou stronger than kokin despite being there for the same amount of time. but its true that kokins bad at fighting (said so himself) and has been in lesser fights than jizou has been in. so.

what a pair they make. a traitor’s daughter and a traitor touken danshi.

i like this interpretation of the game’s lantern mechanics.

badass gracia badass gracia BADASS GRACIA BADASS GRACIA. tousute women are such strong characters but they come at a heavy mental cost tho

in kahakugeki jizou literally screamed kokin’s name like he hated him, but in kiden our jizou sounds apologetic, and seconds later he does apologize.....;-;

actually they do it twice dont they. at first its ‘jizou yukihira!’ ‘kokindenjunotachi!’ but when theyre leaving its ‘jizou...’ ‘kokin...’ softer

if kasen said 無粋 な 真似は やめて もら お う か to my face i’d kill myself

they still have their lanterns in hand and its insane to think about how all this is happening under a castle in a narrow dark passage where they can possibly hear each other’s fights and yells and basically th entirety of the characters r fighting in the kuragari tsuuro. like all 19 of them + the TRA. it mustve been chaotic

ARIMA HARUNOBU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

his existential crisis strikes me the most....in reality he was ordered by hideyoshi to commit seppuku BUT since suicide is a sin in christianity, he requested to be executed. his wife reportedly kissed his severed head after his execution.

but this harunobu doesnt know how he died because hes a mix of reality and rumours and. its painful not to know who you are

pls sute can we have kotegiri dancing with kikkou shishiou and nikkari some time in the future pleaseeeeeee. you already mentioned in muden that they do but i also wanna see it

second time kasen says ‘katsute no aruji ga aishita’

chougi chougi CHOUGI BELOVED

i had to wipe a tear bc chougi and kasen fighting together so in sync was too beautiful. you dont get that type of synchronicity at random. they mustve practiced a lot at the honmaru.

a moment to reflect on how killing even these fake humans is painful

and of fuckng course nikkari would be concerned about where their souls would go ...... if they would even be counted as souls

‘do not pity the enemy you cut’            ........

FUCK kote had a nosebleed accident

the absolute sarcasm in chougi’s voice when he asks kokin if this is the Time to be reciting poetry. bestie let him be, poetry is his coping mechanism.

‘have you forgotten the poem?’ implying kasen has recited it to him in the past ok ok ok

very interesting how kasen addresses everyone else by either ‘kimi’ or ‘kiden’ but kokin by ‘anata’ but in his kiwame it remains ‘kimi’. this may mean nothing at all. or it may mean everything.

kasen......the kindness kasen knows is different. its brutal. it has an undercurrent of violence to it. he’s actually ready to cut down jizou for this mission, even says so in a later scene, telling him to defend gracia with his life. with kasen it’s always extremes.

yeah, and kokin does struggle with too much kindness

LETS GO LETS GO KASEN KANESADA NO UTA O

she calls kasen ‘ano hito’.......like he’s a person. actually he is, since he carries tadaoki’s heart, which ties in to gracia calling him a demonic husband. a demonic person’s sword will also be a demon. or the devil himself.

oh boy shinken hissatsu sequences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so happy they had ALL of them battered bc in iden only tosa-gumi were hissatsu’d and it was kind of disappointing (<- she wanted to see izuminokami’s awakening)

YESSSSSSSSSSSS kikkous inner.........restraints!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sute did that. sute REALLY DID that

KOTEGIRI . he’s so fierce

you can really hear the italian/spanish (sorry idk what that instrument is but its def european!) influences. manzo did say they put a lot of effort into adding christian influences into the soundtrack . and by god did they succeed.

BUT THE BIGGEST SURPRISE WAS NUE WHAT THE FUCK NUE I KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE BUT SUTE MADE YOU EVEN MORE ALIVE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE IT HES BITING THEM shishiou has abs KILL KILL KILL BITE KICK ASS YEAHHHHH THEYRE SO COOL

im just going to say it: nikkari is sexy as fuck. just the right amount of exposed skin. cursed red eye free from hair curtain. unhinged laugh. sensual action sequences. disheveled hair moving like water. my image of pure soft mashiro is shattered by those abs. and perfect bgm btw it feels like im ascending

chougi walks onto the battlefield like god sent him. like he’s the hecking reincarnation of death. which he is. (umechan’s growling is spot on.)

oh this silence after chougi leaves.  i know whats going to happen but it still makes my hair stand on end. here we go

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

FUCKING HELL

that opera wants me dead.

kasen emerging like he’s a statue made from marble, looking like that??? all ruffled up???? the shadow of anger on his face? with THOSE muscles? i think its my bias speaking. but that exposed shoulder is the single most sexual thing ive ever seen. i mean that in the most respectful way possible. and wadakuma has literally bulked up for this so his hissatsu in hiden pales in comparison to this.............

and his voice comes out like its being dragged out from him. like he can barely get the words out due to anger. he’s super fucking mad

THIS. this is the most spirited fight he’s ever had. its so obvious he’s on a completely different level from his teammates (he’s lv99 isnt he) with the way he’s slicing and controlling an entire crowd . he’s grown so strong....................... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i forgot to breathe

how does kasen still look like the most beautiful being in the universe despite being injured.

just like gracia, kasen feels the pull of fate trying to bring them to each other. there is literally no other explanation. their stories are just that strongly connected to each other.

he’s being honest for a second and admitting he had doubts. also the third time he says ‘katsute no aruji ga aishita’ like its drilled into him.

taken aback by being called an oni......maybe he thought gracia hated him, was looking at him with the same hatred she felt for tadaoki

kokin isnt supposed to cry please nooooooooooooooo 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 we all wish honnouji hadnt happened but seeing kokin finally lose his composureeeeeeeeee

otomo sourin is..........undeniably one of the most sincerest christians in this. he wanted to genuinely let all the christians born there live their lives, but in the end, this place he thought would be better became engulfed in the same ‘blood and war’ he wanted to escape from. its so heartening to see the touken danshi respond to him with that same sincerity. ‘we’ll certainly carve it into our chest’

here lies jesus betrayed by most of his disciples. the last supper lived up to its name

‘the presence i feel from you is one im very familiar with.’ is a strong (and the first) confirmation of the fact that chougi and manba are directly Connected to each other. fused and attuned to each other. i mean chougi hadnt even met manba for very long, with the latter leaving for his kiwame journey on the same day that chougi arrived. because no one other than chougi himself seems to feel that kuroda kanbei is.......different from the others. in any case, we can safely conclude that a piece of manba is lodged in chougi, just like a piece of chougi is lodged in manba. theyre the same but different, destined to have this indivisable connection.

in the same vein, i wonder if those from the same smith schools also feel the presence of their fellow crafted swords? perhaps those who’ve spent a long time together? or replicas and originals? would kasen be able to uniquely perceive izumi? would horikawa and yamabushi too, like chougi, be able to discern manba’s presence from a sea of swords? its an interesting idea with countless possibilities, so i’ll wager yes.

(chougi senses manba, kasen senses gracia, their connections run parallel)

kokin’s first human kill is ukon. its a shame the camera didnt switch to a closeup of kokin bc right after he stabs him, kokin strokes his sword and looks at his hand....

im not completely sure about this, but kasen is fearful, or at least very wary, of ukon. in kahakugeki when ukon yelled at him in his altered form, kasen flinched terribly. and now, when ukon is requesting kasen for something, kasen is suddenly on his guard, eyes widening. honestly idk why? maybe he thought he’d transform into something else? scared of what ukon might say??

about the bell tolling after ukon dies: its a death knell. ‘the ringing of a church bell immediately after a death to announce it.’ also symbolizes the end of something, or something that will end soon. in this context, the last of the christians has fallen. harunobu, sumitada, yukinaga, sourin, ukon, and then the tensho embassy. kuroda kanbei has essentially deserted them, and now only gracia remains. (when i typed this out i realized how bleak that sounds)

their roles were brief but.......the tensho boys did leave their mark behind. and their last words were haunting. and otomo sourin’s last few words as well.......

(i think nikkari may be subtly suggesting they all were spirits?)

‘surely someone somewhere within this sky is watching over you. kotegiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii im going to shake you so hard

FUCK THEY SHOW KIKKOU NIKKARI SHISHIOU KOTE LOOKING ABSOLUTELY REMORSEFUL AND STUNNED WTFFFFFFFF

i mean i know thats manba, in some fucked up way, but i cant help not feeling attached to him (it?). and he is definitely acting on his own will, even fighting against the tra whenever it suits his own purposes, but its simply not our manba. theres this theory that that’s what manba is reduced to after his kiwame training goes wrong or something but i dont buy that. our manba is strong enough. he wouldnt be reduced to a time-hopping masterless sword like that.

this time chougi wins. you know how stupendous that is? just in his last appearance on stage, chougi had his ass handed to him in front of everyone by manba. now he fucking breaks manba’s fake with his own two hands. fucked up but also amazing narrative.

and he’s SO hell bent on protecting manba’s legacy. He’s so mad on manba’s behalf. AND HE DOESNT CALL OUR MANBA NISEMONOKUN HE CALLS HIM YAMANBAGIRI KUNIHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DELICIOUS DELICIOUS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

‘yamanbagiri kunihiro. until you come home, i’ll protect this honmaru’ FUCKED ME UPPPPPPPPP he’s one of them now he’s one of them he has companions and he’s become less prickly than he used to be he’s HE’S BECOME A SUTE SWORD!!!!!!!!! that loss and uguisumaru’s lecture mustve made him introspect what his ideals and attitude entailed for the first time . that scene at the end of jiden where he’s standing at the top looking at everyone go about their daily chores? that was the start of his turning point. he realized he still had so much to learn about this honmaru before signing it off as merely pitiful. they tamed him <3

it all ties back to fucking oda nobunaga at the end im going to tear my hair out

pain pain all i know is pain . all kasen and jizou and kokin know is pain

be ready to protect her with your life because kasen knew a man who couldnt and regretted it till his dying day . he’s literally threatening to kill jizou i havent seen a sword wanting to destroy another ever since hiden. the hosokawa swords r fucked up

organs in the bgm are taken directly from the game ost

when gracia makes the slightest movement kasen and kokin r immediately on their guards . cryyyyyyyyyyying

um UM???? KAI-CHAN’S LINE DELIVERY????????????????????

‘anata wa inferno ni itte naranai. jizou bosatsu no michibiku ni shitegainasai. mada modoreru.’ english cant do these words justice. she’s choosing to give jizou up bc not only are they not supposed to be together, and she wants jizou to follow his own path rather than force himself to follow hers, which would be an irreedemable sin in both their faiths.

there we go. she cut their connection.

THE WAY kasen puts himself between jizou and graciadknsdkjnesjknfnsfkjnfkjneakfnueihnivasndkvwniugniufvnsfdjkanvuancuiasnkjcdsnvjkarnuesnkfjfnskdjvniuafnjesniuwenifunewanfiuwnfiu keysmashing isnt enough i need to jump on my keyboard

he tells kokin to take care of jizou not because kokin needed to be told or ordered to do so, but rather because kasen needs confirmation they’ll be safe and okay till he comes back. bc despite threatening jizou, he cares. and this line isnt even in the game event btw.

i hate and love this part. hate it bc it makes me cry.

(puts on my tinfoil hat) ave maria as a choice is actually so interesting because:

loved one's death I wonder who that could be djsdjdbcnsgshdodhdjfjdbdjdbfbd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 KASEN’S BELOVED GRACIA OF FUCKING COURSE

note: ‘full of grace’ in latin is literally gratia plena (as in gracia, get it?)

of course, this bgm has drawn inspiration from the last boss bgm in the game’s keichou kumamoto event itself, so the ave maria bit comes in from there, but sute (full of absolutely insane people) have extended ave maria’s duration so that it perfectly lasts for the entirety of kasen’s and gracia’s fight.

oh btw this is the actual wall painting inside kumamoto castle’s honmaru goten! 

they changed the original painting to that of a couple which, 99.9%, is supposed to be gracia and tadaoki ;-; stabbed me in the heartdfghjk

(side note: the game has this change as well, but only on the first time you defeat the last boss. all subequent times you defeat the boss, the wall retains its original form, implying history has been corrected)

and thats not all the significance this painting has!!!!!!!!!!! according to the official kumamoto castle website, the original painting depicts wang zhaojun, one of the famous ‘four beauties’ of china. you can read a more comprehensive version of her story here, but the most important thing is that she, too, despite being hailed as virtuous and intelligent, was denied her rights to return home because of men in power, and died by suicide. like gracia, she also was a symbolic political figure (whereas wang zhaojun is said to represent the ties between the han dynasty and the mongolians, gracia’s death served to drive tadaoki to ieyasu’s side and arguably aided in winning sekigahara). what kind of coincidence is that.

theres a moment where he simply gazes at her. i cant emphasize how much him just looking at her means so much.

its like kasens body moves on its own but his mind is still clouded and the reality and hasnt caught up with the reality of what he is about to do.

for those two seconds she was saying nikukute nikukute nikukute, kasen must’ve thought she was talking about him, but then she adds that very soft ‘itoshii’ and his eyes cant go wide enough, like he’s woken for the first time, realizing the severity of the kill. ill never forget that face.

and tama sinks to her knees, fallen, just like she did when begging tadaoki to kill her.....time is a flat circle

my eyes popped out when tadaoki appeared like he was some kind of angel sent by the heavens. or some kind of ghost.

 theres nothing but love theres nothing but pure love in his eyes as he looks at gracia.

i once read somewhere that home is the first place you learn to run from. kasen’s been trying to outrun a lot of his past but this scene is like coming back home after a long time out in the rain. his parents finally notice him and are proud of him, for being as he is, painful stories and all. i cant stop looking and choking up at his bewildered face when tadaoki says those words. genuinely. this was his divine salvation, the first time we ever see him cry.

unlike cain and abel, kokin is his brother’s keeper. he nearly lost him once and he’s not letting him go ever again.

‘jizou yukihira [...] i will pray for your flower to bloom....’ says gracia as she disappears..............a play on the title. you knwo what that means? it means gracia has transferred the title of flower over to jizou. (kasen later also reaffirms this, saying ‘it is not the time for you to scatter yet’ to jizou when he asks kasen to kill him. wait now that i typed it out thats so dark)

isnt it quite ironic that he chases them after they’ve disappeared and gone? there’s a limit to how much a heart can restrict itself.

(the arm which kahakugeki kasen and kiden kasen wipe tama’s blood on r different. in kiden, he does it to his right forearm, which takes me back to the time he was looking at his own sleeve after tadaoki bloodied tama’s sleeve. that right forearm is like a sort of landmark for emotional pain. red blood on a blue kimono makes purple.....)

the first time he ever offers a smile to kokin and i break down. i

to some swords their master’s feelings come easily enough, and everyone else recognizes them (like mutsu in iden) but kasen and jizou, because they were part of a cosmically complex story about something that to most swords is indecipherable (love) they dont know how to understand or know sansai-sama and tama-sama’s heart.

‘what are you thinking of right now? what am i thinking of right now?’

there’s so much of kasen in this dialogue. and. i dont have any words left. like kasen said it isnt something to be described by such everyday, ordinary words. but what remains is that even if he thinks he’s far away from being elegant, he hasn’t lost his poetic spirit in all this violence. that integrity, he has kept.

compared to kahakugeki, his voice is less brash and abrasive when telling jizou to stand. these small differences actually make a whole world of difference.

the absolute look of heartbreak jizou gives him

and its almost imperceptible, but kasen nods at him. and im not 100% sure but he offers him a small smile as well.

there it is. the amatsukaze. the heavenly wind that with it hopefully took away with it the souls of those that died. (since the wind is representative of kokin it feels like he’s wrapping up the events of this investigation, bringing it all to an end.) (i read a repo by someone that wondered if what kasen glimpsed at those last moments was actually paraiso, heaven, and thats why he was so shocked. its left up to our interpretation)

these lines of dialogue feel like kasen wrote them down in his own diary. in kahakugeki this was the exact dialogue given to the kodanshi. i wonder if kasen simply handed the script he made to him so he could tell a story from it.

‘the year after gracia’s death, the christianity ban wasn’t lifted, but tadaoki established a church. at the mass, it was said he lamented gracia. even now, tadaoki’s and gracia’s two graves, lie side by side in the hosokawa clan’s cemetary.’

kokin’s incoming call, again, is: 来ぬ人を　待つ夕暮れの秋風は　いかに吹けばかわびしかるらむ [What is the nature / of the autumn wind’s blowing / that it brings such grief / when in the dusk I await / someone who fails to appear? (from the tkrb wiki)

summarises all the longing and pain wholly.

also, its coincidental he mentioned  秋 here because the kikyou flower, symbol of the akechi clan, is one of japan’s ‘seven flowers of autumn’. despite all the association kiden and kasen have with spring (new creation, blossoming ideas etc) the seasonal and character developmental journey has left us at autumn, with kasen coming back to us with a kikyou replacing his peony.

i suppose some would call it sute wanting to quickly end kasen’s character arc, but him departing for his kiwame journey goes to show how frantic and eager he was to really achieve his full potential. and you know what? fucking good for him. he deserves it. i was fully happy with it. more than happy in fact. ecstatic.

but also, its funny how he left right before the incoming call came in again. i mean surely he didnt know when exactly it’d come right? in the game, kokin literally says ‘to wait or to keep one waiting, im not very good at that’ and kasen, absolute mad lad, does exactly that omg.

apparently, only kikkou and nikkari knew of kasen leaving.

nikkari’s smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. he’s happy for kasen.!!!!!!!!!!!

kasens smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his pure, genuinely delightfully rare smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! while he’s off !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happy i was alive to witness it

church choir in the bgm!

them. kidengumi. dear dear dear kidengumi. rode out this hard mission together. high fiving each other. i dont even have words

KASEN MAKES THE SAME POSE AS THE TIME HE EMERGED IN HIS SHINKEN HISSATSUUUUU

as far as i’m concerned, this is what divinity looks like in mortal form . i could wax poetic about the composition of this scene, his costume, which solidified completely my love for his kiwame, the little butterfly accessories, wadakuma’s constant dimple..... (i say this very calmly for a person who went into hysterics for the rest of the day after seeing it live. all that emotion nearly made me throw up. im so so so so so, so proud of him.) i don’t think i’ll ever stop getting goosebumps from his shinken hissatsu and kiwame. even though i’d been spoiled since the start of april i cant believe that it really happened. kuma’s triumphant smile right as he struck all the tra at once.....i wonder how it mustve felt like. being so powerful, the centre of this story, and that being the last performance too.....man hold on i need to cry

The first words he says to us, after returning, are  literally tadaoki's death poem (despite his nonchalance about  sansai-sama's death in his kiwame letters, it must've hung heavy on  him):  皆共が忠義 戦場が恋しきぞ いづれも稀な者どもぞ (sorry idk how to translate this without  it sounding incomplete but the gist of it is that he misses the battlefield,  and all the rare people that left him) . and kasen adds in his own  little line as well: やがて 僕たちもそうな るのだろうか？でもその時までは. will we eventually become thus as well? but, until then...

(kasen’s understood and seen mortality right in its closest proximity. he’s contemplating the possibility of them one day becoming nothing.....having to leave the battlefield for good. which ties into something ive been wondering as well: when they finally defeat the tra, save mikazuki etc, when there wont be any enemy left, what would their purpose be? kasen’s answer is simply, we won’t know until we reach that point. until then, they will keep fighting. that is all.)

kasen left reciting gracias death poem and came back to us with tadaoki's death poem on his tongue.

its like he’s casting off who he used to be and, like a butterfly, has reinvented himself by letting his old self go. I'm not a christian, and haven't witnessed any christian rituals, so I say this with secondhand knowledge only: kasen's kiwame reveal felt  like a Baptism. an interesting commentary on one of the bible passages comes to mind: "O merciful God, grant that the old Adam in this child may be so buried, that the new man may be raised up in him." what is metamorphosis if not a temporary death? he buried the old tadaoki in him. i mean buried as in come to terms with. he’s no longer fighting and struggling against him. acceptance, like kasen mentions seeking in his kiwame letters, becomes him.

i can’t get over how in the curtain call bows, wadakuma cant stop looking and smiling at the audience. you cen literally feel his happiness radiating everywhere. no more crying like in kahakugeki’s daisenshuuraku, they made it out the dark tunnel. just. god. im so full of emotions whenevr kiden is brought up. kuma loves kasen so much.

im glad suemitsu-san spent so much effort on making kiden as faithful and true and sensitive to everyone’s characters. im so so glad that we got two keichou kumamoto adaptations. im terribly happy that they could tell us the story of our sute honmaru’s investigation, without compromising a single thing. i’ll carry this happiness within me for a long, long time, even if i wasn’t there in person. if anyone has managed to get done reading both of my silly posts and made it till here, i hope you’ve felt the same gratitude and bewilderment and all the various mixture of emotions kiden threw at us. kasen is my favourite character, and i hope this beautiful tale has left a mark on everyone who saw it, just like kuma said.

(thoughts on the ed here)

[dontsharethistoanyone]

hello, sorry. I'm didn't mean to worry you. sorry. but i'm here, dapat hindi ko sasabihin sayo to, pero syempre, life is so short. okay na rin siguro magbawas ng nararamdaman. you're the 4th person who will know this secret. if ever we met at some point, sana wag mong maalala to. why am i sharing this to you? because we don't know when will life ends. natakot na ko mas share sa mga taong matandaan, thats why i always share my problem to someone na makakalimutin, hindi ko sure kung ganon ka, pero hindi mo naman ako kilala.

to be honest, i dont know if i still need help. im just to tired ig.

this my not seem so real, ikaw na bahala mag judge.

nung bata ako i have so many personalities, sobrang adventurous ko. sobrang hindi ko kaya na hindi ko na eexpress yong sarili ko. i need wild things, im born to be explore and be curious about things. then there's this one time na may nagsabi sakin na ampon ako. alam mo na asarang bata hahaha thats so normal. pero yong issue na yon, dumating hanggang sa mag grade 6 ako. out of curiousity natanong ko kay tatay if totoo ba, ang guess what? totoo sya sis. i didnt know what so say, what to react. ang the weird things is, hindi lang ako, dalawa kami,

that creeps me out, kasi only child lang ako. it turns out na may kambal ako, tatllo kami. im the middle child. yong panganay pala talaga yong anak nila, yong aampunin nila, kaso namatay sa sakit. ako, potangina nabuhay. they both treated me as their first child. yong pangalan ng ate ko, ako na kumuha. alam mo lahat ng gamit ng ate ko, sakin na napunta. lahat ng yong, hindi sakin yon. lahat ng to, hindi sakin to. it wasnt suppose to be mine.

dun ko na realize kung bakit lagi akong napapansin na parang ako. huh? kasi nung grade 7 lagi kong napapansin na may second me na nagbabantay sakin. i was so fucking scared.

that girl, shes miserable. that girl is cursing me. that girl wants me to die. and that girl is my sister, lagi syang nagpaparamdam, lasi syang nandyan. she wants my life, but i dont know how to give it to her, i didnt want to live. until napanaginipan ko sya.

alam ko na inagaw ko lahat sa kanya, family, things, this life. sakanya to eh. hindi naman ako yong dapat ampunin in the first place. she didnt want me to die, she want me so suffer.

the old me died when i was in grade 6, and my sister, ive been living as here up until now. she wanted to have more friends. she wants to have good grades, she wants to have a good life. that's why i live as her. and every time i forgot to live the life she wants. she will kill me, i can see things, torturous things. people are dying sa pananngin ko even if they are not real. i was so scared. i dont know where to express all things fucking feelings. i just want to end it. but i didnt. i deserve to suffer.

hindi ko alam, hindi ko talaga alam kung kilala ko paba yong sarili ko. hindi ko alam, ang dami kong gustong gawin, gustong maging kaibigan pero i cant. im not me anymore. hindi na ako to. hindi na akin tong buhay na to. i really tried to escape sobra.

nung grade 9 i want to tell this thoughts sa advicer nyo, but im scared, i cant even walk on my own. laging tinatanong ni sir if okay lang ba ako, i always smile and continue to pretend. this life, this isnt mine. i wasnt suppose to be here.

i want to be me again. i want to express myself more. kaya nung grade 10, just for fuckiung 1 year, let me be myself. if youre goin to see how i lived nung panahon na yon, it was paradise. ive meet such amazing people. i became me, i became my self. jahahahahhaha saglit wala na kong makita hahahh

it was the fisrt time i became very thankful to live. it was the fisrt time i can finally said that im happy. become the school year ends. i awkwardly said goodbye to my friends. sinong tanga yong mag goodbye ng february eh march ang graduation. kasi alam ko, i only have one month left, kaya sinulit ko na. gusto ko sila yakapin lahat. gusto ko sila ikeep for me. but i dont desrve that, i dont deserve them. before i became that girl again, kwinento ko to sa isa sa trusted friends ko. pumasok ako non nan naiyak kasi mamimiss ko talaga sila, alam nila na hindi ako iyakin but i just couldnt help mysefl but to cry. i mis the, somuch

wait napuwing ako hhahahaha comerciasl

after that, after that one year, everything went back to normal. after one year of ignoring that girl. bumalik na sya, and she made me suffer a lot. i started to ahve a lot of panic attacks. she killed me.

i was lifeless, so eto, etong nagtytype ngayon, is the breathless me. im living the life that she wanted me to have. i lost my friends, all of them. kasi yon ang guisto nya.

this is why i hate my name, kasi hindi sakin yon.

i tried ti seek help, pero wala sa mga kaibigan ko ang kayang intindihin yon situation ko.

para akong artista, ako yong bumubuhay sa bida.

nung 2020, i got the courage na magpatingin sa specialist. i didnt said everything bout myself. i told everything na nararamdaman nung bida, nung girl. she was diagnosed with depression. so i have to deal it all by myself because, i dont have b friend anymore, that girl dont have friends.

ang hirap, ilang beses akong humingi ng tulong. ilang beses akong nagtry, but none of them believed me. pero bakit kapag si ate, kapag sya, ang dami agad tumutulong. \

this is so deep. this is so shit.

ngayon, i dont need help. i wont die, maniwala ka, hindi ko kayang patayin yong sarili ko kasi utang ko tong buhay na to. hindi to akin.

but again, if ever that day comes, sana walang umiyak.

hahahhahahaha sorry, alam ko hindi kapanipaniwala to, wag ka mag alala, sanay na ko. pero thank you, i wanted to be friend s with you kaso hindi na pwede, sa next life nalang siguro.

Right now, gusto ko magbreakdown. Kaso I don't havr the courage to be depress sa gantong state.

I want to say sorry sa mga kaibigan ko, I'm a fake friend. Sorry kasi hindi ko ma share to sa kanila. I want to, kaso takot ako ss rejection.

i didnt express too much sa message na to kasi may online class pa, baka mahalat yong mukha ko kapag nagbreakdown ako. sanay nako sa ganto. sorry if i never got to explain myself and express more, nalimutan ko nakasi yong pakiramdam na maging ako. that person is lifeless.

Hey bub, sana kalimutan mo nalang to. I hate to make people worry. I hated it, kaya please, just let this go. Uulitin ko yong sinabi ko sa post ko na,

If I die early than everyone expected please don't cry. Death is one of my goal right now. Please be happy that finally I'm not suffering from everything. I'm already satisfied with the days I've spent here, I'm okay if I'll be gone soon.

And yes, masaya ako. Pero thank you for bwing warm.

Please don't speak this up. Ayokong pinag uusapan, ty.

salamat sa pagbasa, this might be the last. please dont worry too much, hindi ako sanay. dont worry that is how life goes, ig for me.

[bbarican]

hump day what nots

ended up not reviewing as much for today; i only reviewed the types of fabric and didnt even finish reviewing everything which is fine i dont wanna punish myself for something that i know i can work on on the actually start of my review

i ended up doing a little grocery run today to buy supplies for our beach trip this weekend and i just cant wait to see everyone and to just have fun and at the same time relax before i get too busy

me and my whole family spent the night watch the hotel cecil documentary on netflix while my dad randomly ordered army navy for everyone too and it was just a really nice evening

im super proud of my lovey too cause she's so hardworking and i know deep inside she wishes that she could just drop everything and take a break but she still pushes through and gets shit done i mean how can i not be proud of her?

with my mom's ig being open on my phone i just find it absolutely funnt whenever she ended up buying stuff like really unecessary stuff and ill i can think of is "well sayo din talaga ako nag mana ano"

im so happy that goli isnt making my tummy hurt anymore! i started taling them before breakfast kaya hindi na siya nakakasakit sa tiyan!

sana talaga saturday na; or atleast friday kasi apparently pupunta yung ibang cousins ko dito!

[doyouordoyounot]

sent letter #1

please dont.. i dont think i can play w u anymmore. it's feels wrong for me. i know to myself, little by little, kinakaya ko. sa bawat pagpigil ko imessage ka rin, sagutin mga kwento mo. may sense of relief.. kahit kaunti lang. kasi masakit parin na makita na sa dami dami mong message saakin, mga kwento mo, ni-isa wala akong masagot sayo, ni isa hindi ko hinahayaan sarili ko.. masakit na alam kong mapapagod ka any time soon.. kahit gustong gusto ko parin replyan ka, u know ayoko na bumalik doon kung ganon parin ang situation.

If only u knew.. how much i wanted to reply to you. I really do. But u have someone else... Because of your constant msgs, i tend to forget… That u still have someone else.. i have to keep reminding myself that.. everytime im struggling to not reply.. i have to go thru the painful memories just to help myself say no.. I want to talk to u too, i wanna know how was it w ur mom? Why did u finally say it to her? Did she ask why, did u tell her why, did u tell her about ur new one..? I wanna ask u, what course ur gonna take, why did u change it.. i wanna tell u why did u let the cats mate… Im gonna have a hard time taking care of both and a litter more.. i wanna tell u, but its okay because i love them both.. i want to tell u that i will still see u if u come over here… i wanna tell u i wanna play spellbreak w u too.. i want to ask u how are you feeling, are u taking care of yourself, do u still have fever, are you eating right, are you drinking enough water... i hope u know even tho u dont have me anymore, even tho im not replying, im trying to show u that im here listening to ur stories.. i know i shouldnt anymore.. i know i shouldnt because u still cant let go of her. kahit sa paglaro natin, i know i shouldnt be playing w u.. but i got weak.. sobra yung tibok ng puso ko. hindi ko alam kung kinakabahan o ano. hindi ko pa alam kung bakit, kung dahil ba sa effect ng laht ng sakit na naramdaman ko sayo.. o sa thought na never magiging ako.

masakit at nakakagalit. nagagalit ako sa sarili ko.nafeel ko na ang tanga ko to even feel things from all the messages you sent me.. nafeel ko na ang tanga ko para paniwalaan uli yung mga sinabi mo saakin. na lulubayan mo na kaming dalawa, na kaya mong iwan yung rason kung bakit tayo ganito. kahit mahirap paniwalaan, hindi ko alam.. naniwala parin ako sa araw na yon. nag ka hope nanaman ako.. pero in reality, u will never...I believed u many times, and i got hurt in the process. So no matter how many times u tell me ur gonna do it, actions will speak louder..

at one point, gusto kong maging okay uli, mag move on, para someday, oo, gusto kong bumalik sayo. gusto kong tayo uli, yung masaya, wala ng darating na sakit.. may hope parin ako na someday maging tayo uli.. kahit malayo kana sa mga panahong yon. may hope parin ako na sana.. pero nawala lahat ng yon nung hindi mo kinayang bitawan siya at gawin talaga ung mga pinagusapan natin.

yes, u told me, u miss me.. u miss the comfort i give to you... but that's all u would want, right..? just the feeling of comfort from me.. not the whole me. i feel like im just a leftover u need.... because u already have someone who can make you laugh, who cares more about u, who can talk to you anytime, who gets your vibe more... and as everyday passes, both of your feelings keep growing.. and there's nothing to stop it. i cant do anything about that.. but just accept..

everything is still broken here.. im still healing. playing w u was a step back for me.. im sorry, i gave in. my heart and mind are still not at peace whenever im doing something w u, or just the thought of u near.. i just hope you're always okay.. all i can do is pray and hope that you're taking good care of youreslf.. all i could wish now for us is the what ifs..

please, also, dont forget, always remember.. cats are mine before u leave (including kittens, if there are). that is the only thing that will never change, regardless of the situation. ok?

[e-z-yow]

You felt being selfishly because of the fact that you are guilty for having an escape while all the pressure, burden and responsibility which you must you took first.

I get it.

You MUST be there

You should TAKING CARE of those and these

Im not questioning WHY? Family is a family right?

But....

Am I not your family?

Am I not feeling tired too?

Am I not sober?

Am I not helped you?

Am I not get hurt?

Am I not listed as one of those important person or family member that you need? And needs you too?

Am I not the person who have feelings too?

Did you really see me as your partner?

Because most of the times you just need me for personal errands, your time-saver, 🧽 for all the sadness and pain that you cant handle anymore, cook/chef for all seasons (time-saver), I did anything to you... I did all the stuff that you want me to do...

Why cant you be so appreciative?

Why cant you be so reasonable for your mistake and for you less?

Why most of the time you always fvcking blame me for the things that you damaged?

Why most of the time you are so entitled to say that I am not the good person at all, i am so lack off person for the reason you cant have what you want... when in fact you are the most LESS person in our relationship when in fact i was fooled believing you for the nTH. I did all the adjustment for the sake of my security,my mental health and for the relationship JUST TO WORK and YOU? What did you do? You think you did also the same way as me?

Ofcourse you did, for yourself only!!! Not because you dont want me to be hurt anymore? You want me in your life? You see bigger picture inside me? ALL OF THIS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IT FRIM ME.

Why you dont feel guilty for all of those huh?

What do you really want from me huh?

Sana sinabi mong kailangan mo lang ng KATULONG NA LOYAL SAYO or TAONG KAYANG MAGING ASO

You never felt guilty for all of those I swear.

You never felt happier or grateful for having me thats why you never appreciate all the things that I have done. Cuz if you DO? We always working in each other, you will see me when i am tired too, i need your help even i am not saying. And if you really do? I can sense it, i can feel it and the harmony of our relationship despite of the differences is never be a hindrance.

I stayed despite of.... EVERYTHING YOU DID PLUS THE DIFFERENCES

But you? Why did you stay and yet you’re telling me that you are the most unfortunate person for having me?

You just ruined me honestly.

I want to wish you to be happy someday but i want you to fit in my shoes for you to know that i have reasons.... my feelings are valid... i want you ti feel also the way you yelled by calling me CRAZY whenever you cant give my assurance you cant secured me its your lacked off not mine i just want you to feel that.

I trusted you like I trust myself and my sister.

All the reasons to break with you is VIVIDLY, CLEARLY, LEGIT PROOF but you do the reversing here...

You hit me in my core, provoking, mocking me at my flaws just to out my demons inside me and now telling me that im the most immature person, worst person and all... so now, you have the most turning part to abandon me, you have very reasonable and explaination for leaving me...

While my reason are trashy, invalid and immature. How fair is that to you?

[snoozespecialist]

Space

Being in a relationship is not an easy ride they say. There will be happy days, sad days, spaces in between and little arguments or even big arguments. Nonetheless that never stopped me and you to fall in love. And with all honesty, I have no regrets being with you right now. I never though I’d find a person who would understand me deeply than my own self. Someone who almost had the same personality and energy I give off in public places (Eventhough you’re somewhat an introvert). Someone who was especially there when I thought of ending everything because I couldn’t fight my own thoughts. You were there. You fought my thoughts with me. Up to a point where I just found another reason to stay and not go. It was you, you were that reason. When my life was falling down and had a tough month you were there. You listened to me and comforted me. Which is the reason why I fel inlove with you secretly from the start. And from the moment on we started having dates and shared different occasions together. I also saw that we had our differences but despite that we both chose to stay and love each other more. The moment you made sure that I will never be an inconvenience. The moment I looked at you during the agape night in UST while the fireworks sparked, I knew you were the one and the person I wanted to have permanently in my life. Since then I’ve always imagined what our life will be in the future and you did too. We have had some arguments eversince the pandemic started and I was eaten by my thoughts but you promised to stay by my side always which I promised too. We already reached our first year together and wished for more to come and eventually to forever. But all of a sudden, we’re not okay again. Little did I know, with all the asking if we can call and forcing you even though you dont want to and asking if what you were doing at home was already exhausting you. Little did I know that I became one of the reasons why you are not so motivated to move forward. Until you asked for space. At that moment I didn’t know what to do exactly and it crushed my heart when you told me I was one of the reasons why you’re so drained right now. I was ready to give you space that you needed but what I was not ready for is what may happen after. I wish I knew that I was starting to drain you with all that I was doing, that I am starting to not be your safe space anymore. I wish I knew what you were feeling so that I could’ve found a way to help you and us. I wish you would’ve talked to me properly before this space started so atleast I had a little less anxiety. It makes me wonder every minute what could’ve happened. That what if I knew what you felt, would we be in this situation? That if I had helped you and tried to drag you up rather than down, would you be talking to me right now? Siguro kung hindi ako namimilit to go on a call with you, you wouldn’t feel like I invaded your personal space. Siguro if I knew that asking you from time to time what you were doing just to have updates irritated you, you wouldn’t have had said those words the other night. Only if I knew and you communicated to explain your feelings. Its been two days,, two days since you asked for space. What hurts the most is that I have no idea what your mind is going through and what will happen to us when you comeback. I want to be all positive and just think that you just want to take some time off and get up again when you have had enough rest. Upon realizing how you don’t try to message me or even open my messages seems like you really wanted this without any second thought. Im sorry if I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend that you kind of expected. Im sorry for all my shortcomings. Im sorry for forcing you to go on a call with me sometimes, I just thought na it was the only way we can see each other because of this pandemic. Im sorry I had so many questions to ask you that it looked like I was already interviewing you. Im sorry for being a burden. Im sorry for being moody at some point. Im sorry if minsan sayo ko nalalabas lahat ng stress ko and we end up fighting. Im sorry I caused you exhaustion. Im really sorry... All that I im praying for right now is for us to overcome this and that you won’t give up. I know you’re drained and exhausted from everything but please do know that I am fighting and here for you. Just please don’t give up. It hurts me to not see any messages from you at all not even a simple I love you every morning and night. Im just not ready to let you go and I dont plan on doing so because I love you so dearly. I really hope that you’ll comeback soon so that we’ll be able to talk through things and that we won’t end. I hope you’re doing well, i and will always love you. I miss you and your laugh every second of the day. Please comeback soon - CM

[rockettoikah]

THIS. Nagpintig yong tenga ko ih. Andami dami na ngang nangyayari sa mundo dagdag pa to. Im just pissed how confident he was. Its bullshit you know. First of all kuya, Im not your pet to wag my tail every time you’re fuckin bored! kingina mo lang! Alam mo yon, lahat na siguro ng category ng katanghan check na check sa checklist ko. You only reminds me how stupid I was before. He was this guy/sir who I wrote before... 

“Do you want to know the worst part about walking away?” she asks him.

“It’s hoping that they’ll run after you. That they’ll stop you and tell you not to leave. That they’ll beg you to stay. That they’ll tell you they need you, she says.’ but they never do. They never did.’“

I guess after all this time, this will be the perfect time to tell you that I’ll be fine. I guess letting it all spill out will let this heavy heart breathe. Maybe it’s the perfect time that you let me go. Just so you know, I’m listening to Caleb’s “I need you today” and my heart hurts so bad. Very bad.

Sir! Ang sakit, sobra. Sobra lang. I was expecting you to talk to me and give me a tight hug for my last day. I was expecting that you’ll treat me like before. I was expecting that I can talk to you without awkwardness. I was expecting that it will be a “see you soon” instead of “goodbye”. And do you know what’s worst about it? it’s that I expected too much and it’s making me sad. Maybe you got tired of waiting, maybe you’re just busy with all your priorities and dreams in life, maybe you just loved me because you needed me. Maybe it was my fault for not looking at you until the time you started  not to care. Maybe you were tired waiting for answers that I can’t fill right now, pero di ba pag mahal mo hihintayin mo? Di ba pag mahal mo ipaglalaban mo? Di ba pag mahal mo ipapadama sa’yo na importante ka? ehh bakit di ko naramdaman yon sir? bakit?

All these photos were the time I’m with you,and I miss the time whenever we’re alone talking about life and how worst our day went. I miss the time you tease me with things I really do hate. I miss your small gestures like sitting beside me and saying nothing haha. I just miss everything about you del. I’m sorry for not looking at you agad, for losing hope because of another guy. Pero ikaw ngay yong gusto ko, siguro napagod ka lang maghintay. Pero bakit?

Truth is I can’t focus reviewing because of having thoughts of you, kaya ok na siguro to. I’ll slowly let my heart heal. Maybe we’re not just meant for each other, maybe we cross paths just to be a better person to someone. Thank you for everything, thank you for letting me learn from my faults and taught me to be independent. Thank you for believing when no one did, even myself. Salamat kasi naging proud ka sa akin, mamimiss ko yong “Architect ko yan” na phrase. hahaha. Thank you sir. Walking away from you and the company will be painful, but i’ll be fine. Soon. Salamat sa mga memorable na experience. I hope this will never be a goodbye. And I hope if we cross roads again I’ll be a better person than before, so are you. I love you, i always will. Isang bagsak naman jan sa Qa mong magsisign off na. hahah

I used to say I love you I used to say I miss you And now it's all gone Are we fading away  

-I need you more today...

Siya yong reason why I had hard time focusing on my review, he was the reason why my friends hated me so much, he was the guy I fought for, kasi alam ko “baka pwede”, he was all my good “what ifs”, he was this guy who made me feel miserable for missing him so much pero in return he never ask,he never cares. TANGA nga talaga pag tinamaan ka.. its funny back reading my blog and seeing this

I Miss You

* I miss your scent.

* I miss the way you stare at me.

* I miss the way you try to tease and piss me off.

* I miss the way you touch my ear and hair

* I miss our Jollibee nights

* I miss our late night dates

* I miss the way I call you sir, kasi hindi ko talaga alam itatawag ko sayo

* I miss taking care of you.

* I miss to touch your hand in a pasaway way.

* I miss our fights. Kasi slow at mapride ka.

* I miss the way you teach me in every little way.

* I miss talking to you, yong sobrang dami mong kwento tapos ako makikinig lang.

* I miss getting mad at you everytime you smoke

* I miss your seloso face

* I miss the way you tryna look or find me pag asa taas ako at nagawi ka doon.

* I miss your not manly attitude

* I miss sitting next to you.

* I miss your table.

* I miss the way you sit beside me without saying anything

* I miss our walk thrus and punchlisting pero nagchichikahan lang talaga tayo

* I miss making fun at you kasi pikon ka

* I miss the times you react or comment sa my day ko.

* I miss waiting at you to say pasalubong whenever I go to baguio.

* I miss your torpe attitude

* I miss doing accomplishment reports with you.

* I miss the time i miss you sa site kasi sobrang busy mo din sa ibang site.

* I miss your pissed face kasi d ko sinsagot yong call mo

* I miss your voice

* I miss waiting at you kapag ot ka kasi wala ako kasama umuwi

* I miss the time you care kahit ayaw mong ipakita

* I miss eating siopao and chicken with you

* I miss you treating me pero fuck ikaw lagi nagpapalibre

* I miss the time you dont have to ask what my order kasi alam mo na yong gusto ko.

* I miss the time you tryna chat me kasi nga hindi kita kinausap ng buong araw bec of a girl haha which is hindi naman dapat.

* I miss you taking pictures at me tapos bigla bigla mo nlng isesend sa akin.

* I miss the way you smile kasi sinabi ko na bagay mo and minsan ngiting aso ugh.

* I miss saying your hair is too long na gupit time, tapos the next day gagawin mo naman kahit sobrang ot ka.

Its been 2 months love, and everyday it hurts so bad. Ang bigat lang sa feeling na yong taong di mo matiis kayang kaya kang tiisin na wag kausapin. Amindo ako na my last day was really not that good. We didnt even talk the whole day. I was actually pissed that day because you know the reason why but you didnt dare talk to me.. kaya I decided to end my shift.. I decided to leave, but I only wanted to see how important I am to you. Nasagot ko pala agad. Sometimes nakakalimutan natin iremind sa sarili natin na madami magkakagusto sayo but few will value you. And whats making it worst is that vinalue mo yong taong gusto ka lang. haaay kaya hayan nilista ko nalang lahat ng bagay na naminiss ko sayo... let me MISS you until I don't anymore.

SEE? I was at the state where lahat na lang iniintindi ko, ni ligaw nga ako na gumawa p*Ta.. but in return ako lang pala. Every time I was at this situation, lagi kong sinisisi yong self ko but it should be the other way around. I started changing my sail, yes, without the thoughts of you, natuto akong magself love and I really pity myself now. GRABE ang effort ko pala. And I dont deserve a guy like you, thats what I told myself, now I’m sailing and catching my dreams without you of course and I dont regret it. It feel so peaceful na din my heart’s at peace. But it pisses me off how insensitive you are. Dude hindi ikaw buhay ko so wag kang magbida bida and magpapansin because Im done with you and I dont wanna waste my time with you. I shouldn’t be posting this pero triggered na ako ehh Sineseen ko na nga lang patol pa ng patol sa messenger. BORED ka ghorl?? ish.. PRAY for better days nalang ugggh

[rontra]

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and  stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so  i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The  Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is  good, anyway!!!!)  

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

-

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

-

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month