snoozespecialist - Tumblr blog

[snoozespecialist]

An almost ending

“If you feel like there is still a chance and it is still worth fighting for, don’t hesitate to do so because you wouldn’t want to regret and say to yourself “I wish I fought for us. I wish i didn’t agree immediately.”

That quotation has always been in my mind. I just believed that it doesn’t only apply to a relationship but different aspects of life as well. The moment you messaged me after two days of space, I froze as I read it. At that moment it felt like my whole world just crashed right infront of me. I was shaking at that moment and realized how at some point you really wanted to end it. The only thing was that I didn’t and I wasn’t ready to let go. It felt unfair to be honest because you never told me what was draining you. At the end I realized ako yung talo kasi I never knew. I never knew that ganon na pala nararamdaman mo. That’s why I kept on telling you the moment you sent that message to not let go and lets just talk about it. I myself know that I can’t bear to not be with you. Even if you say that I can, I know that I can’t. To tell you I can’t bear to see you with another girl if ever we really ended. I can’t bear to see you saying I love you and hugging another girl. That’s how much I’ve already fallen inlove with you and I know that it’ll be hard to get back up if we break up. I asked for another chance because I wanted to prove to you that I can do change whatever you want to change. I will never be ready to let you go. I know and have the feeling that if ever I do, I won’t be seeing myself with another guy. I’ll always tell myself how its still you deep inside. That it will forever be you.

Was browsing in my photo collection and every moment I can either see a picture of you while we were on a call or a picture of us after our date or during our date, random pics we send to each other as well. Seeing those just makes me tear up. It makes me think that when, when did all to start to feel like that. When did you start to not feel okay. I thought we were happy and that everything was good. It hurts me everytime I remember the words you said to me that night. I know that whatever you said that night will forever hunt me. I know that it’ll be the reason why I’ll forever hold on to us.

I just want you to try as well. I know you’re tired but please try. Cause that’s what you said, na you’ll give your best and I really hope you will. Please don’t leave because I have zero intentions to do so,,,——

I love you

- CM

[snoozespecialist]

Space

Being in a relationship is not an easy ride they say. There will be happy days, sad days, spaces in between and little arguments or even big arguments. Nonetheless that never stopped me and you to fall in love. And with all honesty, I have no regrets being with you right now. I never though I’d find a person who would understand me deeply than my own self. Someone who almost had the same personality and energy I give off in public places (Eventhough you’re somewhat an introvert). Someone who was especially there when I thought of ending everything because I couldn’t fight my own thoughts. You were there. You fought my thoughts with me. Up to a point where I just found another reason to stay and not go. It was you, you were that reason. When my life was falling down and had a tough month you were there. You listened to me and comforted me. Which is the reason why I fel inlove with you secretly from the start. And from the moment on we started having dates and shared different occasions together. I also saw that we had our differences but despite that we both chose to stay and love each other more. The moment you made sure that I will never be an inconvenience. The moment I looked at you during the agape night in UST while the fireworks sparked, I knew you were the one and the person I wanted to have permanently in my life. Since then I’ve always imagined what our life will be in the future and you did too. We have had some arguments eversince the pandemic started and I was eaten by my thoughts but you promised to stay by my side always which I promised too. We already reached our first year together and wished for more to come and eventually to forever. But all of a sudden, we’re not okay again. Little did I know, with all the asking if we can call and forcing you even though you dont want to and asking if what you were doing at home was already exhausting you. Little did I know that I became one of the reasons why you are not so motivated to move forward. Until you asked for space. At that moment I didn’t know what to do exactly and it crushed my heart when you told me I was one of the reasons why you’re so drained right now. I was ready to give you space that you needed but what I was not ready for is what may happen after. I wish I knew that I was starting to drain you with all that I was doing, that I am starting to not be your safe space anymore. I wish I knew what you were feeling so that I could’ve found a way to help you and us. I wish you would’ve talked to me properly before this space started so atleast I had a little less anxiety. It makes me wonder every minute what could’ve happened. That what if I knew what you felt, would we be in this situation? That if I had helped you and tried to drag you up rather than down, would you be talking to me right now? Siguro kung hindi ako namimilit to go on a call with you, you wouldn’t feel like I invaded your personal space. Siguro if I knew that asking you from time to time what you were doing just to have updates irritated you, you wouldn’t have had said those words the other night. Only if I knew and you communicated to explain your feelings. Its been two days,, two days since you asked for space. What hurts the most is that I have no idea what your mind is going through and what will happen to us when you comeback. I want to be all positive and just think that you just want to take some time off and get up again when you have had enough rest. Upon realizing how you don’t try to message me or even open my messages seems like you really wanted this without any second thought. Im sorry if I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend that you kind of expected. Im sorry for all my shortcomings. Im sorry for forcing you to go on a call with me sometimes, I just thought na it was the only way we can see each other because of this pandemic. Im sorry I had so many questions to ask you that it looked like I was already interviewing you. Im sorry for being a burden. Im sorry for being moody at some point. Im sorry if minsan sayo ko nalalabas lahat ng stress ko and we end up fighting. Im sorry I caused you exhaustion. Im really sorry... All that I im praying for right now is for us to overcome this and that you won’t give up. I know you’re drained and exhausted from everything but please do know that I am fighting and here for you. Just please don’t give up. It hurts me to not see any messages from you at all not even a simple I love you every morning and night. Im just not ready to let you go and I dont plan on doing so because I love you so dearly. I really hope that you’ll comeback soon so that we’ll be able to talk through things and that we won’t end. I hope you’re doing well, i and will always love you. I miss you and your laugh every second of the day. Please comeback soon - CM