dontsharethistoanyone - Tumblr blog

[dontsharethistoanyone]

hello, sorry. I'm didn't mean to worry you. sorry. but i'm here, dapat hindi ko sasabihin sayo to, pero syempre, life is so short. okay na rin siguro magbawas ng nararamdaman. you're the 4th person who will know this secret. if ever we met at some point, sana wag mong maalala to. why am i sharing this to you? because we don't know when will life ends. natakot na ko mas share sa mga taong matandaan, thats why i always share my problem to someone na makakalimutin, hindi ko sure kung ganon ka, pero hindi mo naman ako kilala.

to be honest, i dont know if i still need help. im just to tired ig.

this my not seem so real, ikaw na bahala mag judge.

nung bata ako i have so many personalities, sobrang adventurous ko. sobrang hindi ko kaya na hindi ko na eexpress yong sarili ko. i need wild things, im born to be explore and be curious about things. then there's this one time na may nagsabi sakin na ampon ako. alam mo na asarang bata hahaha thats so normal. pero yong issue na yon, dumating hanggang sa mag grade 6 ako. out of curiousity natanong ko kay tatay if totoo ba, ang guess what? totoo sya sis. i didnt know what so say, what to react. ang the weird things is, hindi lang ako, dalawa kami,

that creeps me out, kasi only child lang ako. it turns out na may kambal ako, tatllo kami. im the middle child. yong panganay pala talaga yong anak nila, yong aampunin nila, kaso namatay sa sakit. ako, potangina nabuhay. they both treated me as their first child. yong pangalan ng ate ko, ako na kumuha. alam mo lahat ng gamit ng ate ko, sakin na napunta. lahat ng yong, hindi sakin yon. lahat ng to, hindi sakin to. it wasnt suppose to be mine.

dun ko na realize kung bakit lagi akong napapansin na parang ako. huh? kasi nung grade 7 lagi kong napapansin na may second me na nagbabantay sakin. i was so fucking scared.

that girl, shes miserable. that girl is cursing me. that girl wants me to die. and that girl is my sister, lagi syang nagpaparamdam, lasi syang nandyan. she wants my life, but i dont know how to give it to her, i didnt want to live. until napanaginipan ko sya.

alam ko na inagaw ko lahat sa kanya, family, things, this life. sakanya to eh. hindi naman ako yong dapat ampunin in the first place. she didnt want me to die, she want me so suffer.

the old me died when i was in grade 6, and my sister, ive been living as here up until now. she wanted to have more friends. she wants to have good grades, she wants to have a good life. that's why i live as her. and every time i forgot to live the life she wants. she will kill me, i can see things, torturous things. people are dying sa pananngin ko even if they are not real. i was so scared. i dont know where to express all things fucking feelings. i just want to end it. but i didnt. i deserve to suffer.

hindi ko alam, hindi ko talaga alam kung kilala ko paba yong sarili ko. hindi ko alam, ang dami kong gustong gawin, gustong maging kaibigan pero i cant. im not me anymore. hindi na ako to. hindi na akin tong buhay na to. i really tried to escape sobra.

nung grade 9 i want to tell this thoughts sa advicer nyo, but im scared, i cant even walk on my own. laging tinatanong ni sir if okay lang ba ako, i always smile and continue to pretend. this life, this isnt mine. i wasnt suppose to be here.

i want to be me again. i want to express myself more. kaya nung grade 10, just for fuckiung 1 year, let me be myself. if youre goin to see how i lived nung panahon na yon, it was paradise. ive meet such amazing people. i became me, i became my self. jahahahahhaha saglit wala na kong makita hahahh

it was the fisrt time i became very thankful to live. it was the fisrt time i can finally said that im happy. become the school year ends. i awkwardly said goodbye to my friends. sinong tanga yong mag goodbye ng february eh march ang graduation. kasi alam ko, i only have one month left, kaya sinulit ko na. gusto ko sila yakapin lahat. gusto ko sila ikeep for me. but i dont desrve that, i dont deserve them. before i became that girl again, kwinento ko to sa isa sa trusted friends ko. pumasok ako non nan naiyak kasi mamimiss ko talaga sila, alam nila na hindi ako iyakin but i just couldnt help mysefl but to cry. i mis the, somuch

wait napuwing ako hhahahaha comerciasl

after that, after that one year, everything went back to normal. after one year of ignoring that girl. bumalik na sya, and she made me suffer a lot. i started to ahve a lot of panic attacks. she killed me.

i was lifeless, so eto, etong nagtytype ngayon, is the breathless me. im living the life that she wanted me to have. i lost my friends, all of them. kasi yon ang guisto nya.

this is why i hate my name, kasi hindi sakin yon.

i tried ti seek help, pero wala sa mga kaibigan ko ang kayang intindihin yon situation ko.

para akong artista, ako yong bumubuhay sa bida.

nung 2020, i got the courage na magpatingin sa specialist. i didnt said everything bout myself. i told everything na nararamdaman nung bida, nung girl. she was diagnosed with depression. so i have to deal it all by myself because, i dont have b friend anymore, that girl dont have friends.

ang hirap, ilang beses akong humingi ng tulong. ilang beses akong nagtry, but none of them believed me. pero bakit kapag si ate, kapag sya, ang dami agad tumutulong. \

this is so deep. this is so shit.

ngayon, i dont need help. i wont die, maniwala ka, hindi ko kayang patayin yong sarili ko kasi utang ko tong buhay na to. hindi to akin.

but again, if ever that day comes, sana walang umiyak.

hahahhahahaha sorry, alam ko hindi kapanipaniwala to, wag ka mag alala, sanay na ko. pero thank you, i wanted to be friend s with you kaso hindi na pwede, sa next life nalang siguro.

Right now, gusto ko magbreakdown. Kaso I don't havr the courage to be depress sa gantong state.

I want to say sorry sa mga kaibigan ko, I'm a fake friend. Sorry kasi hindi ko ma share to sa kanila. I want to, kaso takot ako ss rejection.

i didnt express too much sa message na to kasi may online class pa, baka mahalat yong mukha ko kapag nagbreakdown ako. sanay nako sa ganto. sorry if i never got to explain myself and express more, nalimutan ko nakasi yong pakiramdam na maging ako. that person is lifeless.

Hey bub, sana kalimutan mo nalang to. I hate to make people worry. I hated it, kaya please, just let this go. Uulitin ko yong sinabi ko sa post ko na,

If I die early than everyone expected please don't cry. Death is one of my goal right now. Please be happy that finally I'm not suffering from everything. I'm already satisfied with the days I've spent here, I'm okay if I'll be gone soon.

And yes, masaya ako. Pero thank you for bwing warm.

Please don't speak this up. Ayokong pinag uusapan, ty.

salamat sa pagbasa, this might be the last. please dont worry too much, hindi ako sanay. dont worry that is how life goes, ig for me.