#im okay if i just never talk to them i guess

[rosepetalkitty]

ngl hdg kinda amazes me in its ability to cater to my kinks pretty much perfectly while simultaneously triggering several of the worst parts of my trauma.

like how is it that it hits on everything i like on the surface, provides semi-decent worldbuilding to back it all up and enable the creation of stories, and even has consistent backstory and stuff, and yet the entire damn thing instills this looming sense of dread and fear that i can't shake enough to properly enjoy it...

below the break im gonna talk in like. moderate detail. about the parts that scare me. so uh yeah be aware that it'll get heavy that's just how it is.

ok, so the worst thing for me. wellness checks. the idea is cute and kinda hot on the surface. "make sure you're okay and if you're not you're getting domesticated" (which is supposed to be like. a happy thing. "now you get to just chill and be happy and get taken care of forever and in return you give me only your submission"). yeah, fuck it, im into that. hell that's not even an uncommon trope in the realm of cnc/mc writing.

except whenever i read an hdg wellness check story (in the sense of those long-ish tumblr posts that people write—i haven't even really considered reading the longer form content on ao3) there's something viscerally... off... about the tone. it stops feeling like kink and starts feeling like a nightmare when things happen to line up just so, and then it clicks, and reminds me that i knew people, real people, who had "wellness checks" happen in real life, except that instead of it being a kink thing that made them happy and was genuinely for their wellbeing, it was that their parents had hired people to kidnap them and drag them to a psych ward when they just needed a therapist. not all of those people that i knew have come home, as far as im aware. some have been gone for years.

and what about the whole idea of the non-consensual part being okay because "it's for your own good". in hdg-land it is. it's genuinely good for you and everyone seems to be happy with it, other than the occasional "bad guy who hates good things" trope (feralists, in hdg, afaik). but that's exactly what they told me when they cut contact between my boyfriend and i while he was in the hospital. "it's for your own good." guess what, it wasn't. his parents didn't like our relationship. they wanted me to forget him. they either didn't understand or didn't care that i couldn't. it was a year and a half before he came home and i had forgotten nothing.

our loss of communication was the tipping point in a series of events that, had i made one decision differently in the end, would have killed me. thankfully i fucked it up and am here today, no longer in that bad of a place may i add. im choosing not to share any of what happened to me directly right now because i don't want to turn this into a full on trauma dump, but suffice it to say there are recurring themes.

it's so interesting to me because in a lot of ways i have found comfort from those experiences in kink and writing. take flames of averon: mech pilots are neurochemically bonded to their handlers. how different is this from what the affini do to their florets? well, you have to sign up to be a pilot, and there's no authority in the world threatening you if you choose not to. even the coalition military wouldn't dare force you to become a pilot against your will, though they might never stop sending you promotional flyers if they find out you're able to tolerate the cyberware /lh

hell, im into cnc. im really into it. i chose to leave it as an opening between pilots and handlers in foa. the implication exists that if a handler tells their pilot to do something the poor thing will have a hell of a time saying no. that's intentional. it's hot to me, on either end. but the safety comes from other things.

yes, your handler has a lot of influence over you at a level that's hard to imagine, but you chose them and they chose you (most of the time), or at the very least neither of you had any complaints to raise with your supervisor when the paperwork came in for syncing your link chips (holly and astrid from seat of consciousness).

yes it's true, you can't be reassigned now that you're bonded, but that doesn't mean you have zero recourse if your handler is treating you badly. if you need to, you can always file paperwork with your commanding officer to request that something be done.

plus, handlers go through a lot of training, which includes screening to filter out people who would actually harm their pilots. yeah, some handlers are a little sadistic, but when it comes down to it they are on your side. if that wasn't the case they would never have passed pre-basic.

put another way, as a pilot in flames of averon, the closest thing ive ever written to a floret, there are a multitude of points at which you could have said no and didn't, and although that's obviously still noncon in the grand scheme of things, it's "signing away your freedom" cnc compared to the hdg flavor of "you 'consented' via it being the best thing for you whether you like it or not."

even if your handler just told you to "stay" for the first time and you're currently panicking and trying to figure out why your legs won't move, you still have some tiny amount of agency—an escape hatch, so to speak—and you'll just never end up having to use it.

and to me, the loss of that minute level of agency which will never be invoked is the difference between "this is hot as hell and feels perfectly safe" and "this is the abuse that was once leveraged against those i cared about, and to some degree myself, and it's simply been repackaged with a kink sticker slapped on."

none of this is to say i hate hdg, it's fans, those who write about it, or even the parts of it which scare me. i do think the idea is hot. hdg is pretty cool. hell, it was one of my inspirations in writing a lot of the pilot/handler dynamics in flames of averon. but it does scare me. and no matter what i tell myself i can't shake that fear.

it's frustrating, because oftentimes fear can be part of what makes something hot, but the particular flavor of fear which hdg instills in me is one which makes bitter all that it reaches. maybe someday i'll grow out of it. the traumatic memories from which that fear stems were only created in the past couple of years, to be fair. but something tells me a piece of that fear will never be fully dislodged from my mind.

so, all this to say, while i am into hdg, it's a complicated relationship.

(and on a sillier in character note to lighten the mood—please feel free to respond to this with roleplay or whatever you like!)

to any Affini out there who might be reading this, know that im not scared of you. im not scared of what you represent. im only scared by the fact that you mimic that which has left the scars you see on my soul today. im not against being taken in as a floret, and none of this is to say that i hold any level of disdain for you.

i only ask that you be gentle with me. what has been broken once can be broken again. please, do not let it come to that.

[hypernova-writes]

Im on my knees as i typing this, I NEED REQUEST THIS TO SOMEONE https://www.tiktok.com/@alecio.sun/photo/7432648182913355014?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7417049009333863944 fic where one day reader mischievously dailing random numbers on phone planning to be prankcall and it connected to blu sniper, they started off small talk and it turned become daily activites calling eachother talking random stuff, how their days been and turned into friends and more idk? I NEED HIM -🐈‍⬛

a/n: PLEASE I'VE SEEN THIS I WAS IN SHAMBLES MY POOR BABY- So yes I will write this because oh my god ;-;

I Just Called to Say, I love you. (BLU! Sniper x Reader)

based on this song (I used to play it all the time in my music class on piano-)

It all started with a random number.

You were bored, and decided to start randomly calling numbers, dialing them just for fun.

You got a lot of no answers, a few people wanting to hold a conversation, pranking a few, a few angry people, but never more than that.

That was until one day, you called him.

At first you were just going prank him and tell him some shitty ass joke, until you heard him actually speak.

“Hey..can ya..maybe stay on the line wit me?”

You were confused at first, but you shrugged, what’s the harm in talking to the fellow? You could tell he had an accent, it was kinda cute. He sounded shy almost, surprised that someone else actually answered him.

“You know, I didn’t expect someone to ever call me.” “Huh? What do you mean?” You asked him, and he went silent for a bit before finally answering.

“Sometimes..I stand at the phone, waiting for hours, for someone to call..and you were the first to ever do so.”

You could feel your heart twist. You didn’t know why, but you felt drawn to this guy, feeling awful. Everyone should have someone to call home to.

And you wanted to be that person for him.

“Hey..What’s your name?” “Me?” “Yea you. You��re the only person on the other side of the line.” You joked, and that pulled a short chuckle from him.

“Mundy.” “Mundy? Well…I’ll be here whenever you need to call, I’m Y/n.”

He goes silent on the other side for a bit.

“Same time tomorrow?” “Of course.”

—

This started a steady routine between the two of you, like clockwork you would call, and it didn’t take him that long to pick up.

You learned he was a mercenary, a Sniper to be exact. You would sometimes hear his teammates in the background, asking him who he was talking to, trying to be nosey and interrupt to which he’d yell at them for.

You explained what you did for work to him, and you sighed. “It’s not as fun compared to your job, I bet you get to travel all the time.”

He chuckles at you, “Maybe, I do have my own camper, I drive alot. Tend to be sent on longer assignments. Thats why i’m late sometimes..”

“Oh no it’s okay! I can understand, sniping must be an interesting job though!” “Hmm. I guess so.”

He would ask you about your day all the time, excited to hear from you, even if you did something so mundane like laundry.

In reality, he just loved to hear your voice.

It felt so nice to actually have someone on the other end to listen to. He could listen to you read the most boring book in the world and he’d still be there, eagerly waiting for your call.

That’s when he realized, you were no longer just a friend that he would call everyday.

He was falling in love with you. And he didn’t know how in the world to say it. Hell he was just a stranger that you so happened to call one day! The two of you had just figured out how each other looked after sending letters when he couldn’t call one day.

You were beautiful, and he still felt like he didn’t deserve you at all.

“Mundy? You still there?”

Fuck. He didn’t realize he had zoned out, “Y-yea..I-’m still ‘ere sheila..Just thinking.” “Thinking about what?” You asked and he didn’t process his words before they just came spilling out of his mouth.

“How lucky I am..to get to hear your voice everyday.”

The phone went silent for a while and Sniper got worried as he tried to fumble to find the words to try and reign back the conversation when he heard you begin to giggle.

“Well..I’m glad to know..you feel the same way I feel about you..”

Sniper could feel the blush trail up on his face and he just knew his ears were bright pink, he hid his face as he leaned closer to the phone as if that would put him closer to you.

“Wa-wait? Really?..” he managed to get out. His heart felt like it was doing several backflips at once. He gripped his chest as he waited with bated breath for you next words.

“Mhm..I love talking to you…Just like..I love you.”

Sniper feels a grin slowly creeps on his face, he starts chuckling as he blushes. You said it. You said it..You loved him. Just as he did you.

“I hope you know, That i have to see you now.” “Well, You have the letter i sent right?” “Yea.” “Ill be waiting then.”

The call dropped and Sniper felt his lanky body move faster that it ever had before, he quickly went out to his camper and grabbed the letter, he then pulled out his map, seeing that you truly did not live that far, a 2 hour drive was nothing, he’d driven farther for missions. He could use the next cease fire day to go and see-

“YO SNIPES! PHONE!”

Sniper was confused, as he quickly ran back to the phone, snatching it from Scout who only rolled his eyes at him.

“..’ello?” “Just calling back to say, I love you~”

I LOVED WRITING THIS SO MUCH MY HEART-

[sammyvhs]

home : 1.09 pt1 — jess’s sister.

You’re not stupid. At least you hope not. You pray you’re not. You knock on their motel door a little less sure of the fact, maybe it’ll increase in confidence when you see them.

It doesn’t. The second your eyes lock with Sam’s half-asleep ones you’re positive your breath hitches just enough that your heart stops beating momentarily. His messy hair, his exhausted expression, the dark bags under his eyes even him still wearing jeans and a shirt.

“Hey, you came.” You nod and lean into the hug he pulls you in for. His cologne is palpable, the same one he used to wear in Stanford and it’s comforting for you to know he hasnt thrown the bottle away.

“I came.” You whisper, letting go and stepping inside when he moves to let you in. Dean’s on a bed, looks like he’s sleeping peacefully. You wish you could too but everytime you close your eyes your sister is on the ceiling. Sometimes she’s calling out for you to help. Other times she’s telling you that you’re the reason she’s gone. Your carelessness. You didn’t lock the doors. The windows, you were fast, you didn’t hear anything, you—

“You okay?” Sam pulls you away from the dark thoughts and you nod. “Okay well, Dean’s asleep and I don’t think we’ll talk much right now, you can catch a few hours.” you nod at the offer, thanking him quietly. You're still in jeans yourself but you don't mind since you're not sure you’ll be sleeping. 

“I’ll take the couch.” he stares at you like you just said bruised his ego then shakes his head. ��Sam, im serious, i dont sleep—”

“Vampire?” he jokes half heartedly and you smile.

“I just mean i usually take power naps. Please, sam, just take the bed.” he ends up pulling you on it next to him and you’re not sure why for the first time in months you fall asleep with no nightmares.

Sam doesnt. Sam wakes up suddenly, forcing you out of your sleep, to a nightmare. You’re shuddering thinking of the fact that you felt that safe in your dead sister’s boyfriend’s arms.

You pretend you’re asleep until sam’s breath gets softer and peel yourself off the bed and to the couch. Theres not much to do at four in the morning so you read, you snoop around for a bit, wonder how much sam would hate you if you opened his bag, and eventually take another nap on the couch. 

Still no nightmare, you wake up to the sound of Dean’s boots tapping against on the floor. You quickly sit up a little, taking in your surroundings.

“‘Morning, sweetheart.” your lips apart, sure you're going to respond like a normal human with ‘good morning’ but it doesn’t come, you just nod. “Want coffee?” only then do you notice the two paper cups in his hand.

“Sure, thanks, Dean.”

“Didn’t know what you liked so i got it cream and sugar.”

“It’s good, that’s how i usually take it.” totally not true, you actually take it with milk but you’re not sure you’re staying long enough for him to have to know that. He smiles at you, taking a seat next to you on the couch. “I’m sorry for showing up so suddenly, Dean.” you mumble before trying the coffee. It’s not bad, not your usual taste but definitely still enjoyable.

“‘S no problem, you’re always welcome with us, i gave you my number so you could call me at anytime.” you can’t be held responsible for any of the fluttery feelings in your stomach after that. 

“I guess… i felt like i was slipping, you know? My parents— me and jess never talked to them and they didn’t even call me when she died, i literally had no one, as pathetic as it sounds. Our dad’s side hates us, my mum’s side is on the opposite side of the world and they’ve been calling me but it’s not the same. Its not fair to do this to you two but i dont now what else to do, i just wish someone would tell me.” you're not certain when the first tear started flowing but your thankful its the only one.

“Hey, we’re here for you. Always.” Somehow, you don’t believe it.

[supercalime]

A goodbye post I guess?

Hey yall, i wanted to write something about all of this as this may be the last time I talk about this show. Apologies in advance, this will be long and all over the place cause im using this little essay to get it off my chest and help me calm down my anxiety. Strap in, this will be a doozy.

First off, no matter how sad and disappointed we are, let’s please not stoop down to the level of those fans when it comes to voicing our issues with this situation. Please, let’s not harass, call people names, send them threats, etc. we can voice our opinions in an adult way, and although it fucking hurts and it makes us want to shout from the rooftops and call Murphy, Minear and Stark every name in the sun, we need to be grown ups and come out on top of it.

That being said, I want to first acknowledge how fun and cool yall are. We endured A LOT of shit since april and all that bullshit didn’t stop you from keeping the positivity going. I applaud you all for that. It has been hard. I came in contact and became friends with some really nice people here and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I loved being a part of this fandom and it physically hurts me that this feels like it was all for nothing.

Even though I feel like a fool as well, I hate to see how you are all so sad with this. This wasn’t our fault. We were not naive for believing that this storyline could’ve been great. Don’t blame yourself for being taken advantage of. Because that’s what they did. They saw the opportunity to profit from a community and took it. They are the ones in the wrong. They used us for brownie points and then tossed us away like trash the second they got what they wanted. It’s on them.

What I’m about to say now will sound hypocritical as I’m writing this at 2am while trying to cope with an anxiety attack caused by this very show, but what we can take away from this is that unfortunately, we can’t rely on tv shows for happiness. Yes, that’s a bitter pill to swallow, specially in this political climate as we were hoping for some sort of escape from the horrors of the elections. What i took away from this is that I need to (for lack of a better word) touch grass. I need hobbies, I need friends. All things that I’ve been lacking because fandom stuff is easier. I need to find stuff that makes me happy that doesn’t depend on outside factors. But also I want to make sure that if a show is all you have, that’s okay and is even more okay to feel betrayed. I was an absolute mess a few years ago when a show I adored stabbed their fans in the back, but it gets better. You still get angry remembering you were done dirty but I promise that the memories that stick are the positive ones.

I don’t wanna go on a deleting spree but I also don’t want to be reminded of this hurtful moment as the wound is still fresh, so I’m deciding to reevaluate some things offline, like I did with previous fandoms, and come back when I’m ready. I don’t think I’ll leave tumblr or never watch/talk about 911 again but I need some time and space from it so I can feel better. I don’t want to doom scroll through the tags like I did tonight. What Ryan Murphy, Tim Minear and Oliver Stark did to us was awful, but the best thing I can do is not let these three men influence my mental health. I won’t let a tv show ruin me because it’s not my fault. It’s not our fault to believe that there were half decent people in the entertainment industry that cares about the portrayal of queer individuals. They will have to sleep at night with that knowledge and deal with the consequences from the BoBs. And if these guys decide to humor the BoBs that’s their funeral. It would further show they never cared about representation and just wanted to save face after making so many people miserable for simply enjoying a canon ship. I hope they can see the consequences because I’m not even the target here. I’m hurt for all the queer men that saw themselves in buck and tommy, that even messaged the actors thanking them for their honest portrayal.

In conclusion, here’s my goodbye (for now).

Thank you so much bucktommy nation!

Yall are the best,

Love, Lety 🖤

[screampied]

miss vegas. how do u survive in college. please give me some tips. i am barely hanging on by a thread and it's only my first year. how do u do it. also ilysm.

hi nonnie 🌞. omg ofc! i used to live on campus, i don’t anymore which is way easier for me— also, don’t stress. first year can always be a lot and extremely overwhelming but i got uuuuu !!!!!! love u too

it's a lot of things i wish i knew as my first year LOL. i guess one thing that is probably super basic, don’t procrastinate. just get your stuff done so you don’t have to worry about it later ☝️ it’s easier said than done, but trust you’ll feel a lot better once you finish your assignments / projects early n on time !!! also, staying up late while working on stuff — don’t do that. it’s not good for you, and i always did that eheh. waiting ‘till the last minute of 11:59 to finish essays nuh uh. do your stuff as soon as it get assigned, DONT PROCRASTINATE 🫵 also, go to all your orientations. do nawt skip them

sleeeeeep. you need lots of sleep, regardless of what year you’re in it’s very important. i wish i knew that as a freshman 😀😀😀. i would stay up all night doin work, especially on the weekends. certified loser nerd. also, set an alarm !!!! if you’re a heavy sleeper like me, set a fuck ton of them !!!! or uh… have someone wake you up. i used to oversleep a lot, a way to prevent this is to usually go to sleep earlier than you usually do ( from my experience )

if you’re on campus, have some sort of map / guide so you know where you’re going !!!!! on my first day i literally got lost right away and i barely knew much english so it was even more embarrassing LOL. beeeee prepared !!!! ☝️ do research on ur school, they should provide those things — also, try to get those things ahead of time before your courses start so you aren’t askin random ppl where one of your rooms are. of course, its okay to still get lost anyway. it happens. ask for help if needed but make sure you’re prepared !!!

you don’t necessarily need friends to “survive” in college. everyone’s experience is different, but i found my experience easier by just keepin my circle small 🫂. IM NOT SAYING TO BE A LONER, you can have / make friends throughout your years ofc !!! in college, you’ll meet the best and worst people of your life. your main priorities should be yourself and your studies — but you come first at the end of the day. friends will always come & go, but eventually you’ll stumble across some nice ppl who share the same interests as you !!!

there’s prob super more important details but for the last thing i’ll say this— don’t let your grades define you 💓. it sucks majorly to get bad marks on something, especially if you stayed up countless hours on it, givin it your all. i personally have / had a habit of doing that, but never let it define you. if you truly think you didn’t get the right grade for any number of reasons, you can always talk to your prof about it in private. but don’t stress ab it !!! always remember you matter first over some exam 🫵

[talkingontheinternet]

I don't think right now I really have a good relationship with any of them tbh I try really hard to connect w ppl but I just don't so I think I'm like ready to move on. Not August though, if u see this August hi ily, would never drop u

[itsseriouslyridiculous]

I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.

[cherrysnax]

havin the weirdest crisis of my life

[kellystar321]

.

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

I KEEP GETTING RECOMMENDED SO MANY DRAMIONE TWEETS HELP

I don't understand where they're all cOMING FROOMM why do they all HATE ASTORIA WHAT DID MY GIRL DO TO YALL BFFR LEAVE HER ALONE 🗣🗣

[parasitic-saint]

lovee when ppl who think im cool invite me to hang out bcs i do fun makeup and discover i am the most boring loser ever <3

[hauntingblue]

We got koby today.... tashigi could cut the hand like zoro did in dressrosa but we got koby today....

[bunnyboy-juice]

;~; (tags vent)

[spikeyjo]

also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

[piercedpressure]

oooooo dreading my birthday next month.... but not because of what one might think!