#been being traumatized everyday recently. but like. will I have to go too??

[cherrysnax]

havin the weirdest crisis of my life

[cup1dt3a]

Prefect’s Revenge

Summary: The dorm leaders and the vice dorm leader of Scarabia have been noticing weird things going on recently. Having no clue why until the Ramshackle prefect reveals their the one behind their recent misfortune at a meeting.

A/N: This is basically just a crack fic of Mc being done with everyone’s bs and proceeds to traumatize the overblot group. I’m slowly getting back into writing. I hope you’re all doing well and are having a wonderful day/night!

-Sincerely Cupid Tea 💖

It started off with Riddle soon noticing something different with his breath. Usually after he brushed his teeth he always felt like his breath was minty fresh. Recently though he soon noticed an odd taste in the back of his mouth. He hadn’t changed anything recently. Nothing in his routine seemed different too. Even confiding in Trey about anything that could be causing his bad breath. Sadly Trey couldn’t even figure out why and just told him to buy some mints to help including trying to brush his teeth more. The red head was soon left to ponder why his breath smelled so bad recently.

Then it was Leona. Sure his dormitory was known for reckless and obnoxious beastman. Though it’s never been this bad. All he wanted to do was sleep that’s it, but for some reason his dorm mates refused to turn down the music or stop partying. He was honestly sick and tired of hearing the blasting music from the lounge area. He’s even had to grumpily get out of his bed late early in the morning to tell them to keep it down. He was almost on the verge of actually begging them to shut the fuck up. He couldn’t even sleep in the botanical garden anymore without Last Friday night playing on repeat in his head once again. Even I’m a Barbie girl was haunting him.

Soon misfortune stuck Azul his coin collection that he locked in the vault wouldn’t open. He even got 2 new coins. Very rare and coins that were easy for anyone to steal and make a fortune off of. He soon tried to pull the door open thinking it was jammed. Sadly that didn’t work at all. He’s used a chainsaw, a lock picker, he even tried using the twins brute strength to open the door. After hours and hours of trying to get the door open in a desperate attempt to get his coin collection he threw himself at the door. Sadly, once again nothing worked. He was currently heaving with tears of frustration just wanting to put his new coins in his collection that he couldn’t get to.

Jamil soon started to notice an odd sensation on his back in the middle of the night. He mistook it for the cold breeze coming into his room due to it being colder at night. Soon it felt like something crawling on his back. But every time he checked there was nothing. He soon let his imagination get the best of him thinking it was spiders crawling up his back. Not to mention the recent spider infestation at his dormitory it seemed that everyday for the past week everyone in the Scarabia dorm was seeing spiders. This only scared the vice house warden more.

A horrific thing had happened in Pomefiore. Vil. The Vil Shoenheit had a pimple on his face. A horrendous pimple was on his face. Wait now it’s 2! Now it’s three!! What is happening!? His skincare routine was impeccable!! There’s no way this should be happening!

Idia was currently panicking. How the hell could someone hack him!? His everything was hacked!! He couldn’t even play with only friend online without the screen glitching out! Who the hell even downloaded so many viruses onto his computer!? How did they even download so many!?

Diasomnia was no better than the rest as a harsh thunderstorm plagued the dormitory. Malleus had lost his tamagochi Gao-Gao Drakon-kun. Which should’ve been impossible, but here we are he was currently tearing his room apart. While the rest of diasombia cowered at Malleus’s rage Lilia, Silver, … mainly Lilia and Silver tried to help him calm down and think rationally before he caused a tornado to run through the campus. Sebek was no help at all as he joined in on the destruction of Malleus’s room determined to find his masters Beloved Gao-Gao Drakon-kun.

Soon they were all called to a house warden meeting to discuss something with Crowley. They all stood a bit awkwardly. Riddle for once kept his mouth shut as he sat at the table before shoving another mint into his mouth for the 12th time today. Leona was on the verge of passing out as he looked down looked as if he was in pain and sleep deprived. Azul looked upset for once as if he was frustrated about something. Jamil looked paranoid as he kept glancing back and forth left to right at the walls occasionally slapping his back. He had come due to Kalim needing to study for an upcoming test due to his grades getting low. Vil on the other hand had on a mask. Idia was aggressively tapping his tablet making an upset groan once again seeing the screen glitch. Malleus on the other hand was impatiently tapping his foot he had no time for this he needed to find Gao-Gao Drakon-Kun. He was thankful to actually be here for once, but he had more important matters at the moment.

Soon and unexpectedly {Y/N} came in to break the silence.

“… Well it’s oddly quiet in here for once.” you chuckled.

None of it found it amusing as they all looked desperate to get out of here.

“ Fine then I’ll cut to the chase… Crowley didn’t invite you all here I did. “ you revealed having them all look at you in confusion.

“Why prefect?” *riddle asked popping another mint into his mouth after cringing smelling his breath.

“Well you see… you guys all remember when you overblotted right?” the atmosphere immediately grew a bit tense.

“I’m still pretty pissed about it to be honest so I thought why not get revenge on all of you.” This immediately caught their attention.

Soon Vil ripped off his mask yelling “ You did this to me!?” The others stared at him in shock his chin and cheeks were covered in red pimples. Well everyone except you this made you chuckle as you nodded.

“ Yep I replaced that cream you use in your face routine with lard.” You giggled as Vil gasped looking at you in disbelief.

“… W-wait what did you do to be then?” Riddle asked covering his mouth this made you sigh.

“ Riddle in all honesty I did this to you a while ago when you acted like a tyrant… I’ll apologize for this one but… I used your tooth brush to clean the toilets in Ramshackle.”he stood there in shock before gagging and running out the room.

The others just looked at you in shock and one by one you revealed what you did to them. For Leona you actually installed speakers outside his room that constantly play Last Friday night and Barbie girl. Turns out Ruggie really will do anything for a quick buck and donuts. Azul you had used super glue on the vaults lock. Idia you had ortho teach you how to hack and he’s surprisingly a very good teacher; you even sent idias search history to his parents. You had actually put a pregnant spider in Jamils room. Last but not least for Malleus you stole his tamagotchi.

“… You did all this for what!?” *Azul had a crazed look on his face as he looked at you in disbelief.

“ Revenge!” You yelled.

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Love You Teacher looks good, actually, and too many people are just jumping to conclusions.

Nowhere in the trailer does it suggest age-regression kink play, only a traumatic response exaggerated for dramatic purposes that, by all indications, inhibits the established couple’s sex life. (Let it be known, though, sexual exploration between consenting adults is chill.)

More casual age regressive tendencies is kind of the norm in relationships, and y’all y-series fans love it. There are so many edits with one part of couple acting cutesy and being taken care of by their supposed faen. ‘Baby’ is a common endearment for a reason! When we’re in relationships, we pout, we act more cutesy, more vulnerable. Love You Teacher looks to be dramatizing this element to spark conversations about balance, mental heath, and care, both for one’s self and in relationships.

This isn’t some weird romance trope that BL’s pulling from the shady corners of the internet cuz it’s kinkier than het romances. Traumatic regression that leaves one partner simple-minded to some extent has been a part of some really silly and also some really profound Western movies. You’ve got dubious films like Big with Tom Hanks or Adam Sandler’s approaches, but Elf, Thirteen Going on Thirty, or even something more indie like Lars and the Real Girl, with a young Ryan Gosling, (P’Dome seems to be a bit of a cinephile so I wouldn’t put it past him as a reference point) reveal the sweet sincerity that can emerge when these kinds of stories are done conscientiously.

Perth and Santa seem beautifully cast in this. Both have worked in BL for some time now (just with other companies—check out baby Perth in UWMA!) and are listed as one of three leads in Perfect 10Liners, so the accusations of them jumping the seniority queue are a bit misplaced. Even if that were the case, that point would be moot after what they delivered in the mock trailer.

Santa’s adorable energy finds great use in both the role of the ideal primary school teacher and the character’s reverted 7 year-old mental state, and it lends itself as a response to actor Barcode’s recent complaint regarding the infantilization and limited mature roles for those who are established as a uke in a partnership. I’m excited for the industry to address and push for conversations and roles that allow these actors to age. Sometimes that means letting them take on gritty characters that we might ignorantly assume are against type, but it could also acknowledge the youthful energy some of these actors and plenty of people in the world take into their adulthoods that shape their life. A kindergarten teacher is a prime example of job that attracts that kind of person!

I could not have imagined a character that used Perth’s disposition, simultaneously aloof and warm, so well. A teacher too-cool-for-school with no passion except for his partner? There’s our aloof guitar playing boy. Who must learn to roll with the punches of life and laugh at how ridiculous and precious it is? And there’s our warm cuddly teddybear.

The chemistry between the two in the trailer was eye-opening, too. They appeared spontaneous and familiar with one another, easily conveying live-in boyfriends in love. Even most of the naysayers for the show, admitted their initial excitement for the pairing’s intimacy. If the show plays well, it ought to be breakout success for both of them.

Give me ALL the Sammy. Everyday. Girl has been shining since BL day one (the og Love Sick, baby)!

The colors! This show looks lovely and lively. The primary school wall decorations. The costumes. The face paint in the trailer is so cute! Sammy’s hair color is genius! It just has so much vibrancy during a presentation when multiple dark, brooding shows were announced.

Director P’Dome has earned my trust. Peaceful Property was quirky, intricately plotted, and endlessly compassionate. I was crying almost every weak! I’m not surprised in the slightest to see him with a show like this. The premise of Love You Teacher is a bit out there, a bit provocative, and has the potential to have such a huge heart. The closest comparison tonally in GMMTV’s history I’ve seen so far is with the work TayNew did right before PP, Cherry Magic! Let me tell you about the boxes of tissues my happy tears went through for that series!

Basically, Imma be fighting tooth and nail for this show until it actually offers a reason for me to not support it. With what we received in the trailer, Love You Teacher has revealed only green flags, gold star stickers, and A pluses!

[zenonaa]

idk if anyone has noticed the number of tofu fics (or fics in general) that i write/post has gone down in the past few years, but i want to kind of talk about that. i love togafuka. i love writing. my love for them has not diminished.

in early 2022, my mother was hospitalised and soon diagnosed with cancer. she came to live with me for the next 5-6 months during her chemo treatment and such. as well as helping look after her (and seeing her ups and downs) i was working a full-time job and looking after my younger brother a lot who is autistic and epileptic (the latter was diagnosed this year). my father worked and helped how he could, my sister helped my mum a lot but my sister and younger brother were in their early twenties at the time so i felt like a lot of the responsibility fell on me.

i appreciate the time i spent with my mother in that time, i would not change that, but it was very traumatic for me. my relationship with her wasn't always the best growing up, and i think she had mental issues that she refused to get help for that caused a lot of it (and i was a troubled kid too, well-behaved but depressed/socially anxious. also prob have autism). everyday i would see my mother get stronger, or weaker. i remember one night, my brother woke up crying (mum was in my bed, i was downstairs on a sofa bed and bro was on a beanbag bed) saying he was scared she'd never get better. i had to comfort him and support him a lot, all the while trying to be optimistic and keep myself together.

she was meant to have surgery to try to remove the cancer in october 2022, but it was cancelled due to her thyroid. in early december 2022, she went to have fluids drained and i went too. a nurse told her in front of me how they wouldn't resuscitate her which wasn't... great. anyway, she had to be moved to the hospital because she wasn't draining, and a bit before christmas, she told us that she was terminal. on my last visit to her (23rd), i forced myself not to cry and as i left, i said i loved her and i'd see her on xmas.

on xmas day, she passed away. the hospital had lost our phone number, so we found out when a friend who had been with her phoned us. can't describe how surreal that day was. she was supposed to come home after the hospital stay. she told me to make her bed at home. we were going to visit her on xmas. she was going to have chemo again in january. who's going to eat all her favourite foods in my fridge? what do i do with this walking stick? her clothes? her medications? how could i have saved her? why didn't i realise she was sick and get her checked out earlier? why couldn't i have been a better daughter? why must the radio sing christmas songs about this being the most wonderful time of the year, why must people get excited for this one day when my mother died? then i had to help with the funeral, choosing her flowers, choosing what she was going to wear when she was cremated. she won't see me get married (assuming i do) or her first grandchild. it's... a lot to process.

i've had other life events happen after this. i broke up with my ex after 7 years. i was ousted from my job and got a new one. i've resumed driving lessons, even managed to get the same instructor my mother found me 10 years ago when i first tried driving and stopped. so yeah. busy.

also i have been working on a novel. my mother when she was still alive was my biggest fan, she would sit with me and we'd go through editing together. my novel has changed a lot since she was alive, as my writing has improved etc. i've recently been considering self-publishing it. which is daunting because i have the charisma of a potato but i believe in this novel and most importantly my mother believed in it, even in its early stages. but that costs money - i should be getting a pay rise from work soon, but i might open writing commissions again to help fund this as it's not cheap lmao.

soooo my fic writing has gone down because i'm usually exhausted, busy with work and irl stuff, and still recovering mentally from life events. i still need to write my last tofu week fic, which will either be a mastermind au or little sequel story to elusive/mermaid au.

i don't really talk about my personal life here, but even if no one reads this, it was therapeutic to write at least haha.

[amyintherapy]

Invalidating your own trauma

A "nugget" from a recent therapy session that I keep coming back to...

My therapist said that a good way to look at your own trauma is through the lens of someone who didn't experience it that way. Because our childhood trauma is normal to us, as it's often all we knew as kids as we're often in cultural bubbles. So our friends, cousins, etc often have similar childhoods to our own, so it can feel like that's what almost the whole world is like. But it's not, of course. They said that when someone had a mom that drank everyday, they often will feel like 'everyones' mom drank too often/too much. And they can point to things like how you can walk into retail stores and find baby onesies that say "I'm the reason mommy needs wine." to show that it is "normal" to drink all the time. So they might feel like having a mother with a drinking problem is something they shouldn't have trauma over. But to me, someone who had a mom who almost never drank, and who I have literally never seen drunk even once - it's SO understandable to me that having your mom rely on drinking as a coping method, or worse - be an outright drunk, could be scary and damaging. They are going to lack emotional presence, you may not feel like they are 'in control' in the ways they should be, you might be afraid of them, you might feel like you have to step up to take care of things when they're drinking. You are likely to think its normal/healthy to use alcohol do deal with big feelings rather than learning healthier methods. Of course that's traumatic! And for me..."normal" is having a parent who doesn't ever connect with you on a deep emotional level, who regularly is frustrated with you for needing anything from them, it's feeling emotionally alone your whole childhood, not going to anyone as a child when bad things happened to you because you knew the support wasn't there. It's being desperate to be 'good' and a severe people pleaser yet still routinely getting yelled at and otherwise punished for making age-appropriate, human mistakes despite trying your best. It's having to shut down your feelings regularly as you weren't allowed to be angry, hurt or sad in most cases but especially cases that involved your parents' behavior, and being ignored or rejected on the few instances where you were so desperate as to ask for help. It's walking on eggshells to try to avoid angering the adults in your lives because if they got upset, you couldn't feel safe. I have no idea how common it is. But there are people who grew up with parents who they could go to when they had a problem with a friend at school. Or when they were scared of the dark. Or when they were sexually abused. Or when they started their period for the first time. There are children who grow up being taught how to feel their feelings not shut them down or avoid them. Who don't think twice about taking up space, because they've never had routine experiences that taught them that they needed to be 'small' to be safe. And those people would see my idea of 'normal' childhood and go gosh, of course that is damaging! Maybe even 'I can't imagine having been a child and not feeling like I could turn to my parents when I was scared/hurt/upset! That's wild!" rather than be like me and think 'that's just how it is, I shouldn't be hurt by this.'

[concerningwolves]

hello! i have question for you if you don’t mind me asking:

one part of my story focuses on a blind-from-birth friend (let’s call them A) struggling with not being overprotective of their friend (let’s call them B) who has very recently gained deafness.

would it be inappropriate or insensitive for B, in their confrontation, to compare their conditions? as in, if A could make it through life as successfully as they have, what’s to say B can’t adapt and succeed too even if it’s not the same condition?

Ohh, this sounds like a very interesting and crunchy dynamic!

I think this is one of those occasions where, yes, what your character is saying could be insensitive, but it's said as a result of a very reasonable conflict. The way I look at it is this: Your character(s) can say and do things that are insensitive if it's true to their characterisation and/or makes narrative/thematic sense. What's important is that you as the writer can recognise when something is insensitive/offensive/incorrect, and handle the issue respectfully in the wider story.

So, there are two issues with B's comment about "adapting and succeeding":

It doesn't acknowledge the nuance in disabled people's experiences, which could feed into the stereotype that all disability exists as a monolith (usually a monolith of suffering).

It doesn't account for any potential struggles or difficulties that A has experienced – or, more crucially, still experiences – because of their blindness. This skews close to the "Inspirationally Disadvantaged" trope, wherein a disabled character is treated as heroic for doing something everyday ordinary. (See also: inspiration porn)

It's a sad reality that if B wasn't otherwise disabled before gaining deafness, they were probably ableist. I don't mean "hateful bigot" degree ableism – more the insidious, everyday type of ableism that seeps into us because of social beliefs. In that context, a comment like B's is understandable. You see it all the time both in fiction and real life: people become disabled or chronically ill, and both they and those around them immediately treat the new situation as something that needs to be "fixed" or overcome.

While becoming disabled is a life-altering circumstance which may carry its own trauma or grief (even if not caused by a more "typically" traumatic event!), it's not a tragic condition that has to be overcome. It's a new way of living. There will be new problems to deal with though, ranging from The Symptoms to internalised, social and systemic ableism, and it's important not to shy away from or gloss over these. In B's case, they're going to learn to live without a sense that they probably never realised was quite so important to them. I've always been deaf, so I really recommend finding accounts from people who became deaf later in life to get a deeper understanding of this perspective.

When handling A and B's disabilities in the wider narrative, think about the two issues I raised above and see if they're present at all. Some questions to help you assess your narrative as a whole are:

Are you painting A and B with the same brush? – by which I mean, have you done research into blindness and deafness separately, and reflected differences in the culture and beliefs associated with them in the narrative?

↪ (Disabled communities often have a culture built up around them, with facets like humour, shared experiences, and language and other communication systems. I always wholeheartedly suggest looking into these and incorporating them into stories!)

Does A ever encounter any issues related to their blindness, or do they somehow manage to ""overcome"" everything? – think about what accessibility aids they use, what barriers they face, and how they navigate the world as a blind person. If you've not checked them out already, blindbeta has an incredible blog for portraying blind and low vision characters.

↪ (Even in an ableism-free 100% accessibility-focused society, most disabilities are still going to be, y'know, disabling in some way. The core question to ask yourself is how does my character's disability/condition affect them on a day-to-day level?)

Have you included disabled joy as well as disabled struggles? – there are often positive aspects to disability! Sometimes it's as simple as "this is how I experience the world and I'm okay with that"; sometimes it's "my disability means [X] and I'm proud of that"; other times it's "this is what I've learned from living with [disability] and I value that". There's a lot of variety in opinion and you won't be able to please or represent everyone, but it's infinitely worth looking into and including as much as you can.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to ask if you need anything clarified, and good luck with your story!

[sunsetsandrivers]

The current state of affairs within the society!

I complained against the aforementioned couple living downstairs right under my home on the UPCOP application for the third time last night when I found them torturing me mentally through windows and walls again by taking advantage of me being alone and without my family or friends (god forbid I talk to anyone I care about and they make my life miserable over it like they have in the past). They dictate my thoughts out loud to each other to make themselves believe that I'm absolutely harmless and not a threat to their existence when my entire question is when I've ever made them feel like this is a thing with them? Everytime I go to the washroom they begin harassing me as though my potential is only limited to the chemicals that my brain releases and body disposes and that it has absolutely no meaning to my family, friends, me myself or even others. As if I enjoy it so much that this is my sole purpose and they're debilitating my existence and pushing me to such a corner that I'm becoming so dependent on this gradually that if I don't have it twenty years down the line, I'll be good for nothing. They ensure nobody talks to me, I can't study or sing or practice my instrument or watch anything on my laptop, I get no work and I can't apply my brain outside the realms of their existence and when it's not about them they set out to make me feel miserable and shame me again by consciously showing others in the neighbourhood how my parents birthed me and I'm carrying the helpless physical potential to birth another only for them. So naturally I complained against them for the third time in a row and even tried calling them via the NoBrokerhood App to avail no real response and overheard them discussing the diffusing tension of that with each other thereafter. I'm writing this because all their efforts to get to me are rendered futile 24×7 and the thought of me feeling for or caring about my future parents-in-law who I would like to build a very homely and genuine relationship with my own parents with (keeping aside my future partner) doesn't allow me to take all that so lightly and tread carefully. It's been driving me crazy for months at end now and I've been trying to take it in my stride everyday despite all odds at work or anywhere else. I'm taking medicines for Anxiety/Depression and ADHD and am hopelessly trying to take my family's support to get better. I'm even taking therapy for the same. But the downstairs neighbours or others around keep getting over-excited at the prospect of being able to provoke an ugly reaction out of me for their behaviours that they leave no stone unturned to gaslight me over. I feel robbed of all my happiness and emotions but have struggled to find my ground and purpose through it all again so that I can continue working on myself but everytime I do anything, they render my existence futile and useless beyond them. What scares me the most is that I might have started believing them a little over the last few months somewhere in my soul and I know that they know that that's not true and they only show those loud reactions to my life in order for me to retaliate in an "i dont give a flying fuck or damn" manner so that they can continue to do whatever the heck they think they're doing.

I have had enough of people talking about themselves for months at end in the pretext of my aunt too who has a stronger mental health condition than me because my presence/mind triggers them so. She has had an incredibly traumatic and difficult life as it is and it has been such a struggle trying to not have to prove myself over the last decade and not allow myself to function with an inflated ego over the years that I feel like it's been the only fruitful result of my prior educational experiences and recent hardwork.

It's inhumane.

[pradagymbag]

Providence’s own Beverly Hills - Unpacking the Lore Behind College Hill Homes

Welcome to my architecture limited series where I review homes. In this installation we will be exploring College Hill, located in Providence, Rhode Island. A bright neighborhood whose heart is kept beating by nepo-babies, and Thayer Street. In this review I am going to be featuring some of my recent homes of interest. These are the ones I often walk by and wonder, who the hell is living in there, and what’s their story? (please forgive the photos being taken at different times)

For starters, the first house I see when I reach the top of the hill. I know this is a shot from the side but this is my usual perspective and it’s important. This house may as well not have a front face and if it does I don’t want to see it because it will ruin the narrative I have in my head. Okay so obviously...it’s haunted. I mean you can tell even with the sun shining and blue skies. I say this because it reminds me so much of the house from the first season of American Horror Story. (a show that had a very drastic impact on me when I watched it at an alarmingly young age. I imagine a family with a really unique vibe lives inside even though it’s probably college students.

Okay this house is actually haunted. And not because I made it up as a result of a TV show that traumatized me as a child. Believe it or not, one of my Dear friends' mothers is a ghost hunter! When she came up to Providence for a visit a few months ago she treated us to a private ghost tour of Benefit Street. Apparently Providence has a very rich history when it comes to ghosts and things of that nature. I pass this house pretty often and I always remember it from the tour. Something about paintings moving or they can hear a girl singing. I love it though because it has those funky trees out front and something about the layout and geometry of it scratches an itch in my brain.

This is a haunted house. Just kidding hahaha imagine? This is actually my neighbors house and I look at it everyday wishing it was mine because who wouldn’t want this perfect little pink house. In my mind an older woman who is a retired artist lives here. She’s married but she and her husband kind of do their own thing. The kids have been out of the house for years. The side of their house that faces mine has a little bird in the window. I’m not sure what it’s made out of but it always catches me off guard because it looks so real. They always have the curtains drawn so I have no idea what the inside looks like. For some reason when I picture the inside the lights are never on and there’s blankets hanging from the ceiling. It’s very soft gray and solemn inside despite the bright pink exterior. Not in a sad way though just like insanely chill, quiet grandma vibes.

Okay the finale, the Old Stone Bank house. Rumor has it this house was purchased by a doctor a few years ago. Ever since I found this out I’ve been obsessed with this property. Whenever I walk by (which is everyday) I spiral fantasizing about the happenings inside. Surely the owners must be super gross rich. I assume they only come by the “house” when Providence is warm and all the college students have gone home for the season. When they aren’t sleeping in the vault I assume they’re staying in one of their many other properties. I can’t even begin to imagine the family dynamics here and I think that may be for the best. There seems to be little crafts made by children hanging in the window which compliments the solid stone columns really well. Overall, thinking about the lore of this building puts me into psychosis because I’m too poor to comprehend it.

[magpie1oh1]

Where Is My Mind...

Where to begin...

I normally write privately in my physical journal, but recently, it has become more and more difficult to hold a pen with a steady hand. I love writing, but to satisfy my busy mind and quiet the silent screams that take place in my brain and body everyday, I need the writing to go a little faster. I need to get the noise out of my head and onto the digital page. I'm writing for myself. I don't want to explain my thoughts, my trauma or the dark passenger that dwells deep within me, waiting patiently for the breakthrough.

I have to write. My mind is racing today. Running on no sleep. That would be many thanks to the adderall I devoured earlier. It's my first day off in over a week and I've been craving some mental stimulation. Some intellectual intercourse. My tank is on E. My brain is beginning to atrophy. I feel so self important. A huge yuck to the people around me. I don't believe I'm being my authentic self. I have this shit fuck superiority complex that creeps up once in a while. I find myself looking at the very few friends I do have and I feel nothing. I want to feel something. I'm forcing myself to feel through these friendships, but I feel stagnant in them. 

I'm a body of water in a confined space. No current. No flow. I desperately want to move, to flood, to pour. I want to storm, but instead it's quiet. I don't find the people around me interesting or stimulating and faking my way through conversations and exhausting myself on a daily basis with the fake laughter and constantly having to be "on" is mentally exhausting and it's making me resentful. I want so desperately for someone else to pick up the slack. Allow me to power down. I'm craving a steady flow of conversation that doesn't involve work. I am not without force or vitality. I can feel it boiling inside of me, but there is no outlet. 

I value my friendships and I love them dearly and would do absolutely anything to make their lives easier and more fluid, but I am being held back. There has been no upward growth. I'm desperately trying to make my way out of the fisherman's net, but I'm constantly being pulled back in. Deeper and deeper. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I don't have much in common with them. I'm masking. My interactions with them are carefully crafted to meet each person's specific needs required for the friendship. I have just enough in common with each of them to sustain the relationship and I don't want to lose them. They matter to me, but I haven't found my equal, my counterpart, in either person. 

I have always been the soundboard in my friendships. People feel safe with me and they should feel safe. I create the space needed for each individual person in my life. Whatever their specific needs may be, I make sure they're met. I am able to relate to the sordid details of their lives without flinching or becoming uncomfortable. My childhood was filled with chaos and varying traumatic experiences, so, I'm more than just a little understanding of the fact that people's lives have static. I don't mind static.

I am the safety net, the soundboard, the comedic relief and should low tide begin to affect the flow of the conversation, I am the gravitational pull that brings it right back. At the end of the day, I am worn out and mentally exhausted. I have to self-isolate for hours to recharge my batteries and I feel like I've been fed on by a pack of energy vampires. Drained. Eaten alive. Nothing left of me or for me. 

I know how I sound. I feel all kinds of ick about myself, but I can't deny that this is how I feel and how I view my relationships with people. I'm carefully curated to fit certain needs for certain people. I have always been this way. I am not attempting to be anyone I'm not. I am simply giving others the leg room necessary to stretch and get comfortable. 

I have had very few people in my life that allowed me the luxury to just BE. I didn't have to entertain. I didn't have to perform. I was just a piece of furniture in their lives and it was wonderful. I could sit in silence, dissociate, converse, retrieve my peace and silence my thoughts because it wasn't necessary to have any. I didn't have to think or be clever or quick. I had only myself to fuel and care for. I haven't had that stillness and peace in a long time. 

I know other people must feel this way. Somewhere they're having all the same mundane conversations with people they love and care about. Muting the best parts of themselves just to give a little peace to someone else. Is it wrong? Are we ever one hundred percent ourselves? Who do we feel safest with? Where do we go to quiet the storm?

[lord-radish]

I just reblogged a post about PTSD, and it gave a lot of examples of PTSD criteria that are often overlooked that really resonated with me.

I'm gonna go over the former best friend stuff. Right away I'm gonna say I'm pretty sure things are gonna go back way before any of that other stuff happened, but the former best friend stuff is the most recent and the most raw.

---

The criteria I'm using are on an Australian governmental website called Healthline. I'll be posting the criteria and discussing its applicability to the situation. I'm also going to read a webpage for an Australian mental health organisation called Beyond Blue.

Symptoms of PTSD, according to Healthline:

re-experiencing the trauma

I don't think about the actual event all that much, where I realised my friend had gotten with a girl I had been hung up on for about a year. It was less "why doesn't she love me", because she had let me down easy and was seeing other people and I was moving on, and more "how could my friend have done this to me", because I had confided in him about the crush for the entire time I had it and I was already having inadequacy issues with him and severe self-confidence issues.

The initial trauma, where I realised what was going on and blew up at my friend, is embarrassing but not something I revisit very often. What gets me is the thought that he's going to try and come back into my life, or I'm going to be trapped in a room or a conversation with him, or people are going to expect me to be around him and like pressure me to forgive him. It's the thought of going back, or being forced into a stressful situation, that gets me.

repetitive memories (or flashbacks) that are hard to control and intrude into everyday life

The recurring memories that get me are related to the moment where I realised I wouldn't be trying to go back to the friend group any more. It's the entire chain of reasoning that led to me leaving for good.

It's a laundry list of things he did that I didn't like and actively made me uncomfortable or upset, but which he did anyway because he thought it was funny. The first day we hung out outside of school, we went to the pool with another friend. They both got out, and when I went to get out, they started tredding on my hands and arms so I couldn't. I swam to the other side, but they'd beat me over there and keep stepping on me.

What struck me about remembering that in the wake of the girl thing is that it formed the foundation of our friendship, and going forward he would do things just like that - things that he would do to me that I didn't like, but which he did anyway because he thought it was funny. That was the foundation our entire friendship was built on. It was there from the start.

nightmares

Nightmares have always been few and far between for me, thank god. I don't have nightmares.

extreme distress caused by reminders of the trauma

At one point, I would start hyperventilating and crying whenever something happened that would reopen the wound. There have been times since I started working that this has almost happened at work. I'm always in flight mode when I'm in public, especially when I'm around where he works, and even more so when it's the time of the day I've seen him around and run into him after work. I'll have one of those one-sided mental conversations when I'm in bed or at work, and I'll need to let it play out and go over my rebuttals because otherwise it's just the thought of someone trying to force their way back into my life.

memories or disturbing thoughts that can be prompted by smells, sounds, words or other triggers

I have a hard time whenever I see his name, or the name of his girlfriend. I need to rush past it and forget I ever saw it. Both names are fairly common too.

---

The next set of criteria deal with avoidance.

staying away from places, people or objects that may trigger memories of the traumatic event

My former best friend used to work at a shop on the main street of my town. My main street is made up of three blocks, with his place of work being down the end of town we both live close to.

For the first year after the falling out, I wouldn't walk on that block of the main street. There's a second road that goes the same way, but it isn't as paved or well maintained as the main street. Whenever I was walking down the street, I would take that less well-maintained road to avoid potentially running into him. I did that for over a year, and I only stopped because I found out - tangentially, from seeing his new uniform after running into him - that he doesn't work there any more.

I did a similar thing with his home, talking a less convenient path to stay as far away from where he lived as possible. He lives *behind my mum* now, so I'm trying to stop washing my clothes at her house despite not having a washing machine in my flat because I can hear them across the fence.

I also left all of our mutual friends to get away from him. All of them. They're all his. I also close my eyes whenever I'm travelling by the place where the initial fallout happened so I don't have to look at it.

changing a normal routine to avoid triggering memories

Just discussed that in the previous entry. This one very much applies.

not wanting to talk about or think about the event

Outside of the councillor I've had since 2021, a friend I made and my mum, I haven't told anyone about what happened and why there was a fallout between me and my former best friend. A big reason why is because this isn't a "good guy vs bad guy" thing, and while I'm clearly very hurt and fucked up about it, I don't want to color people's perception of him.

If they like him and want to be his friend, they should be able to like him and be his friend. It's not like I'm The Good Guy and he's The Bad Guy, it was an ugly set of circumstances that I reacted very poorly to that forced a personal schism between us. I would talk about it with someone close enough to me because it's cathartic, but I have valid reasons to keep it to myself. All people need to know is that I can't be around him.

Now, thinking about the event - that's something I don't want to do. If I'm talking about it, I'm breaking it down and thinking about the mechanics of it and rationalising it. It's a process I can work through. Thinking about it, on its own, just hurts to do.

I think that's why I have those mental conversations, because I need to always be working through it and breaking it down. That's a fresh hell in itself, because I've been repeating the same points to myself for almost two years. I think of it, I have the mental conversation, however long it takes is a write-off. That's one reason I don't want to think of it.

feeling numb

I've felt numb about a lot of things for years before this was an issue, because I was severely bullied all through school. This event caused some numbness, but most of it is from that prior bullying.

---

These criteria regard negative thoughts and mood.

feeling a sense of hopelessness about the future

Not specific to the best friend stuff. This one stems from over twelve years of bullying, and is aggravating by living in a stressful home environment for most of my life and having such a strained relationship with my friends post-school. The best friend thing is whatever - the end of that friendship isn't going to kill me. The potential to find better friends is endless.

But I struggle to believe I'm ever going to fit in with a crowd that I jive with and which wants me, which has been a persistent feeling ever since primary (elementary) school. I felt that way before I met my former best friend, and I feel it now.

negative beliefs about yourself or the world

Again, moreso due to the bullying that occured before/during the time I made friends in high school. There is something wrong with me compared to other people, and there always has been - there's a tangible difference that puts me at a disadvantage. I have a very negative opinion on anti-bullying tactics and legislature like zero-tolerance policies, because it could be weaponised by bullies in ways that got their victims in trouble. On a good day I'm an optimistic atheist, on a bad day I'm a pessimistic agnostic.

blaming yourself or others unreasonably

I treat the former best friend stuff as a "both sides" issue. I feel bad because I was very emotionally ugly, and this led to me lashing out and being a very angry and spiteful person towards him. In the long run, this was to protect my own feelings and be able to live with myself in the long run, and I have to live with that.

And while I'm indescribably angry at him to this day, the actual decision between him and his girlfriend is both a positive development for both of them and a perfectly reasonable decision between two consenting adults. So like I said, both sides have a point.

I hold a lot of animosity towards my former best friend, and I will never let him get close to me again. I'm also angry at myself for my role in it all. I can recognise the good in it all, but it doesn't make the anger and hate any more palatable.

intense worry, depression, anger or guilt

I've covered anger and guilt in previous entries. Adding onto that: when this was still fresh, my emotional state was changing every day. I felt the full gamut of human emotion in the span of a week. A few months in, I had my first and only anxiety attack because I felt like I was running out of time to mend the bridges I thought I needed to mend.

I was immensely depressed - I didn't know what to do. I lost all my friends for the duration I was gone, and when I left for good, I lost all those friends forever. I felt guilty for the effect my acrimonious exit must have had on people in that group. Even today, it makes me feel angry and guilty, and I worry about the possibility of people trying to force their way into my life. Worry, depression, anger and guilt is most of my life.

not being able to remember the traumatic event

I can remember the traumatic event just fine. I remember the moment I put it all together, I remember lashing out at my friend. I remember the spiral I went into after I stormed out, and I remember the Saturday where I saw him for the first time since and he told me what had been going on.

What I don't remember is most of our friendship before that point.

I remember some good parts, and I remember a lot of the bad. I've blocked everything else out of my memory.

no longer enjoying favourite activities

This is another all-encompassing one with roots in being bullied. I find it hard to play online co-op games with other people, though I play a lot of games we used to play by myself. I've avoided a lot of movies, TV and music due to general shittiness stemming from being bullied, I have to find something that really engages me before I commit to any media.

becoming emotionally detached from others

This is the big one - again, not exclusive to the friend stuff.

I've never been good at making friends, and I stopped actively trying back in primary school. I made friends at the end of high school because I made an effort to befriend people I wanted to be around, but that's how I ended up with my former best friend.

I've never been good at talking to people unless they're more of a conversation starter. Nowadays, I don't even try. Partially because I feel poorly about myself, but thanks to the former best friend stuff, I'm also afraid of being hurt and getting excluded from places when things go poorly.

not being able to experience positive emotions

Again, not exclusive to the former best friend stuff. It's hard to find joy in anything, because I learned to feel judged and criticized at an early age. I stopped getting my hopes up that things would get better. After the friend group fallout, there were weeks where I felt like I would never be happy again unless I found a way to go back to that friend group, and things were endlessly bleak.

Even now, with the job I have, I've resigned myself to a long, arduous existence of working with outdated machinery instead of holding out hope for better equipment coming down the line. It's better to expect the bare minimum and - more often than not - getting it, than to wish for the moon and getting nothing in return.

---

These criteria regard increased arousal.

constant, excessive alertness

I mentioned this before - I'm always on the lookout for a flash of green or a person who looks like my former best friend so I can go the other way and avoid it. I'm always "on". I'm always thinking about places to hide or how to escape.

scanning the environment for signs of danger

See previous entry. Short answer, yes.

being easily startled

More of a general symptom. I've always been easily startled. My former best friend would startle me and play on my insecurities and fears to get a reaction out of me, because he thought it was funny.

irritable or aggressive behaviour

When I was bullied, I came out the other side trying to be as polite and inoffensive to the senses as I could be. I had intense anger and sadness for a long time, and I did lash out for a brief period in early high school, but I grew into a more kind, measured person.

When the former best friend stuff happened, the way I would phrase it is that I "became a person I didn't want to be". I'm outwardly angry now. I'm always ready to be rude and shout at my former best friend if it comes to that, and I will do so with impunity if I'm ever cornered. I still try to be measured and calm, but I stew and mutter and have a hard time regulating my emotions now.

difficulty sleeping

poor concentration

Both of these are moreso bullying-related issues that have stayed with me for most of my life than anything to do with my former best friend.

[marylandlifecoaching]

Everyday Is Beautiful

Everyday is beautiful if you choose to see it. That's a quote from Ziggler. I saw it this morning on social media. And that got me to thinking, why do so many of us choose not to? I get it. Some of us have been through some really traumatic days. But many of us have not, and choose to see the world as dark and cold. Let me tell you a secret. You will find in the world what you carry in your heart.  I would never dare to minimize anyone's journey. After 36 years in mental health, I have learned that lesson. But why do some who have seen the most horrific things, still enjoy this dance of life, while others do not? It's a fair question. It's a question of holding onto outdated belief systems, and childhood programing that is not serving us. We have tremendous power. Why aren't we running towards it like it's the very oxygen that we need? I told this story years ago. A women came to see me for hypnosis. During her intake, she told me that she had brain and stomach cancer, and her prognosis wasn't good. To which I asked, "so we're here to do some relaxation exercises to ease the process?" She had this bewildered look on her face and said, "No, I'm going on vacation next month, and I want to lose some weight, so I look good for my husband in my bathing suit." Boom! 

Everyday is beautiful if you choose to see it.A few years ago, I lost my daughter. On top of that, my wife was going through a series of life altering surgeries, that ultimately left her permanently disabled. She will never be able to work again. Throw in losing everything, I mean everything {all money and our houses}... we were broke and displaced. Fast forward, we got most of it back, but over the past few months, I lost my brother, father and aunt. My point is this. It is possible to find beauty in every day. And i

f you can't find beauty, lean into gratitude.  I have had to stand over way too many bodies in my life. From my 20 years working with HIV/AIDS, in a time where there wasn't a cure, to many family and friends here recently. And for me, every single time I thought, thank you. Thank you for your part in my life. Thank you for the experience. It is easy to go dark, but it is so rewarding {and healing} to 

lean into that gratitude. It helps you from being stuck. By all means grieve. But don't live there. One day will be my last. I hope that those I leave behind, go on and live amazing adventurous lives. If they manage to think about me from time to time, that is more than enough. 

I honor those who I have lost. But I know that they are not lost, for they helped to form me. And what a beautiful affirmation to life that is. So go and live. There will be bad days ahead of you. And my hope for you today, is that you will be there giving thanks and knowing that everyday is beautiful if you choose to see it.

[acey-waceyy123]

Alright, deep breath… I don’t know how long you’re willing to sit and listen but this is gonna be LONGGGG, mkay? So anyway, actually only three of them are ROTTMNT ocs and Ace is a 2012 oc. Two of these are pretty old and two of these are recent and my beloved children I love them so much oh my fucking god

Ace

I’ll do the guy you came for first. Ace is a 2012 oc like I said earlier, and he’s like 12 y/o in most things I depict him in. Ace was a normal human at one point I’ll explain that just hold on. Basically Karai found this random baby on the road and was like “OH GEE WILIKERS FREE BROTHER! And took him home to shredder. She was about four at this time. Shredder really didn’t wanna take care of this stupid kid but did so for his daughter. And this led to what we call.. ✨favoritism✨ shredder decided he may as well make Ace worth something so he decided he’d train him into the “perfect ninja” (aka training him until he passes out and abusing him him or threatening him when he failed). Karai and Ace do have a good relationship tho :3 by the time Ace was twelve shredder had been fighting the turtles and stuff already and he finds out about mutagen. So he does a little test run! He grabs Ace while the kid is sleeping and dunks him into a mutagen tank. Yeah, not too nice for Ace. Anyway, other than that, he’s manipulated into believing the tmnt are evil and whatnot, blah blah, fight fight, and then the second kraang invasion happens. Being a twelve year old amidst the chaos of an alien invasion, he didn’t know what to do until he saw the turtles driving off to Northampton, so he followed them since he had nowhere else to go. For the three months Leo was in a coma, Ace lived in the forest practicing his archery or hunting for food. One day after Leo’s coma he was taking a walk in the woods when BAM!! Ace comes in with a blade to his throat! Somehow after some talking Leo convinced him to stay with them and kinda just realized he was just a misguided and traumatized kid. Eventually he became friends with the turtles and he lived with them until Karai remade the foot clan in s4 so he joined his sister.

Bennu

This is the little doggy guy! He’s not in the same universe as my other rise ocs due to overlapping cannons. I think I can make this one quick. He’s raised by big mama, sheltered, popular bc he’s the champ, has no friends, is manipulated by big mama, befriends tmnt, BOOM!

He’s really childish and friendly and nice. He has PTSD and trauma from all the lives he was forced to take.. he feels like a monster.

Zac

Oh boy this is DEFINITELY a long one. He’s my hyperfixation right now and has 18 (maybe soon to be 19/20) AUS and his story and character is HEAVILY dependent on my friends’ ocs who I made him together with but they don’t really talk to me anymore for some reason so I’ll be using the version of their ocs they left me with. If you guys see this, hi!! I miss you :3 but anyway I’ll be talking about Main Zac for now. Zac grew up with his sister, Emmie, in my own fan made version of a district in the hidden city called Swamp City that’s basically full of criminals and psychos that the police dump there because Draxum made him and his sister after the main turtles but left them there to die after quickly realized parenting is a ton of work. Zac grew up around constant violence and being beat up almost everyday, having to steal to survive. He is dedicated to protect his sister and wants to get stronger and stronger so he never feels pathetic again, and so he feels like he can fight back unlike when he was a kid. Violence ended up being normalized in his head and he committed crimes and murder all for fun, getting genuine pleasure and joy from watching the life fade from someone’s eyes. He also has unnatural strength and teeth sharp as knives because Draxum might’ve messed with a few genes. He escaped swamp city early on in the series after one of Leo’s portals messed up and brought him and Emmie to the surface. He ended up dating Leo (GAY🤮 /j). He made friends, Mel, Nora, and Zivi, and so many more shenanigans happen along with him getting ninpo that give him super strength and increases his defense. (Though, it can be fatal if abused too much or if used to a large extent.) also he has autism and adhd :3

He’s really reckless and can be pretty rude, literally a psychopathic murderer, doesn’t care about anyone other than his loved ones, is actually silly once you get to know him, childish, and his special interest is skibidi toilet :3 I really tried to keep this short and sweet THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO HIM AND SO MANY AUS but those are for another day, my dear friends.

Asher

The kraang?! KILL IT!

But seriously, ash isn’t exactly loved for being a kraang. He’s Zac’s child in the future apocalypse. Zac in the future is married to Leo, who finds a little baby outside of a kraang base…

Long story short, that baby is a shape shifting kraang experiment who is now under the care of Leo and Zac. They keep him inside mostly in fear of the kraang finding him and hurting him or kidnapping him or whatever kraang stuff. But Ash would rather be inside. He distracts himself with comics and cartoons and all his toys, not wanting to think about the war and destruction beyond his walls. He kinda hates himself for being a kraang too. Ash clings VERY tight to his childhood, acting like an 8 year old when he’s 12. It’s how he copes, it’s a way to distract himself. When ash was seven, Zac got infected by the kraang and went on a RAMPAGE, he ended up killing his niece and nephew indirectly and ripped off half of his son’s face. The kraang in Zac realized it was their experiment and sent a kraang to capture ash right after Zac’s coma. Oh yeah, Zac was in a coma. Remember when I said too much ninpo can be fatal? Well, the kraang used a lot and he was out for three days. He also lost his arm and eyeball after Mikey had to burn off the infection with mystic fire to save him. Rescue mission is a go and they save ash! Things go as they do in the movie and having both of his dads dead and being plopped in the past isn’t the best for Asher. And he dies by kraang raph.

There is an au where he survives though! That’s it.

Thanks for staying for my ramble if you made it this far!!!! (Zac is the favorite child if you couldn’t tell.)

REFS:

Can u please tell me about your rottmnt ocs from that post? If you're up to it I'd love to hear some character rambling :3

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAB FUCKING GLADLY OH GOD YOY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHYA YOU GOTTEN YOURSLEF INTOZ HAHA AUAGBANEUAYAHHAHAGGbanahahaggagagHhhahHHAHAHAHHAGAGAGAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

I will respond in a reblog! Just give me a moment to calm the fuck downABAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

[blackrosesandwhump]

Uncommon Whump Tropes

I compiled the answers to my recent uncommon whump trope question into a list for everyone's reference. Enjoy!

CW: very brief mentions of teeth whump, minor whump, female whumpees, noncon body modification

Feral hissy kitten whumpees, the bitey scratchy ones who scream incoherently at their rescuer/caretaker rather than use their talking words. The ones who can’t be made to understand they’re not going to be hurt anymore

Medieval fantasy dungeon/torture chambers

Female whumpee and platonic male caretaker

When person 1 passes something to person 2, via kiss or other pda, to help P2 escape somewhere, especially if there had been some kind of prior misunderstanding between them

Good old-fashioned chloroforming

Mind control and mind control-adjacent tropes like hypnosis

Whumpers who are subtlety scary

Childhood trauma/minor whump

Whipping

Teeth whump

Older whumpees

Whumpees who aren't conventionally attractive

Non-“innocent sweetie” whumpees: bastards, confused himbos, feral ladies, baffled aristocrats, tormented monsters, traumatized immortals, frightened Everyday Gals who react by throwing things and yelling, questionable antiheroes

Whumpees who turn bitter. Whumpees who are angry and complicated. Recoveries that are tough. Caretakers that don’t know what to do because a little nice touch and sweet words aren’t enough

Captive whumpees that slowly manipulate the situation they're in, gaining enough favor and trust with the whumper till it's the right moment for the tables to be turned and whumpee can get their revenge

Snakes used on the whumpee

Female whumpees

Small whumpers

Whumpers that aren't the physically stronger ones

Whumpees who aren't honorable, who lie and scheme and cheat their way out of their bad situation

Whumpees who aren't defiant, because they're smart enough to know all that defiance will get them is more pain. They aren't stoic because they know the whumper wants to hear them begging and crying

Manipulative whumpees. They bend, pretending to break, until their whumper gives them an opening

Villain whumpers who aren’t interested in captivity. They just love to antagonize the hero, do they care about stealing or blowing up the city, no not that much. But they love getting on hero’s nerves and beating them and mentally dragging them down until they can hardly do it anymore, and then just moving onto a new hero when it gets to boring for them

Androids, or human whumpees inside mech suits that get ripped to shreds during a fight so that the circuitry is exposed

Average whumpees, whumpees who aren’t super muscular and have more realistic proportions, whether they are large, medium, or small

Caretaker with some sort of trauma already in their past, and they’re desperate to protect whumpee, who’s probably someone older.  The caretaker— having been scarred and trying to grasp at any bonds they have made as comfort— takes care of the person who should probably be taking care of them, and then, when the whumper comes in and does what they know best, the caretaker goes ballistic. They do unexpected, dangerous things to themselves behind whumpee’s back. They get themselves so deep in their deals with whumper just to be able to get whumpee out, because caretaker would inflict pain on an entire continent before letting whumpee go. And when the whumpee’s out, caretaker is too far in to turn back now… maybe they’ll force the whumpee back, they’ll be safer with them anyways…

Monster whump. More claws, wings, fur, long ears, tails

More queerplatonic Whumpee/Caretaker relationships

Female whump (that isn't non-con). Ladies can break their arms and get kicked in the gut too

Being conditioned into submission and having trouble shaking it, i.e. even days after the shock collar has been removed they still almost never speak unless spoken to

Human experimentation

Unique stress positions, especially ones where the pain builds up over time

Noncon body modification, but more extreme than piercings & tattoos, e.g. wings/ears/tails/etc, or cybernetic things

Sci-fi themed whump that's not about androids

Whump involving timelines, time loops, alternate universes and other stuff like that

Physical signs of whump for supernatural whump that aren’t scars or lost body parts, like changed eye colors or new appendages or like marks on your soul

Forced mind control self-whump while the caretaker watches but doesn't know they're under mind control, or even a non-consensual situation because it's just barely mild-looking enough until the caretaker leaves because they really thought they were doing the right thing by trying to step in but they were told they were just interrupting and now they feel bad. And the whumpee has no idea what’s going on but when they come to and are being weakly willful to the whumper but they are informed that the caretaker saw and didn’t care, breaking the last part of the whumpee’s will that was barely holding out

More accidental trauma reveal

Lab whump

Lady whump (and lab lady whump)

Feral whumpees

Spitting blood

That trope where the group has to explore their loved one’s mindscape to save them and secret trauma is revealed in their memories

Being presented with a fear that is wholly mind numbing and the annoying character not poking fun at the one that's scare

“Phantom pain” but not in the traditional amputee sense, e.g. whumpee’s arm gets cut off in a corrupted video game and he still feels the pain of it IRL despite his real-life arm being intact…or alternative forms perhaps being: sharing a soul with someone and feeling the pain that they feel, characters with past lives feeling old injuries from their predecessors, or a mecha story where damage done to the mech is felt by its pilot

The plot allowing enough time for a newly disfigured character to process and grieve over their new appearance, e.g. Spiderman 3; the worst/best part is Peter did this to him, which adds that best-friends-do-permanent-damage-to-each-other-but-they-remain-good-friends layer. They could overcome that sense of betrayal, even if Harry ended up dying

Character getting kidnapped while sick

Teams saving someone from hypothermia

Colleagues as caretakers

Seizure aftercare

Dehydration after a long spell somewhere hot, like working hard outside, and whumpee doesn’t feel the heat exhaustion and dehydration creep up on them, which can lead to a fever

General extremes of heat, when someone pushes their own body to the limit and doesn’t realize until it’s too late, and their coworkers and friends have to pick up the pieces, leading to some pretty difficult conversations about looking after yourself and listening to your own needs

Whumpee leaves or disappears and after some time is found again with a big injury by caretaker with no context

Brainwashed Whumpee randomly switching between their brainwashed personality and their original one. Top tier: the original is stoic and grouchy but the brainwashed is either really goofy or lovey-dovey - and their loved ones go from finding this funny, to finding it unsettling because the original personality is reacting to it with terror

Shapeshifting whumpers. Whumpers that can effortlessly infiltrate and adapt to whumpees' friend circle even before (or after) whump. Whumpers that shapeshift into whumpee's loved ones during whump. Whumpers that basically catfish whumpee by turning into multiple different people and all "befriending" Whumpee, just to see the look on whumpee's face after the "I have friends who will find me" moment

Older pet whumpees, e.g. pets on the verge of being put down or past their prime time of use being berated for being so slow and weak and useless. Pets knowing they’re on borrowed time and knowing that their master is so merciful as to keep their worthless ass alive

Impalement through the neck/strung up by the neck

Being forced to apologize to everyone for making them worry while you were being tortured/otherwise suffering

Whumpees who aren't male and white

Redeemed villains that are too scared to ask for help and they end up hiding all their injuries from the hero(es)

TW: noncon/abuse/nsfw

Tickling, either consensually dubcon or against whumpee's will

More nsfw/dubcon (basically noncon but the whumpee doesn't really have a choice to resist)

Noncon touching (SEXUAL)

[ladybirdplace]

Recent Events

Fellow autos, and not-o’s: like I said in the last post, I haven’t been doing great, and now that I think of it, I think it would be important to mention it.

I’ve been really upset about something else that’s too personal to talk about but I will say this:

I’ve had a very privileged life for an autistic person. I have had isolated incidents of bullying (specific people routinely being antagonistic towards me) but it’s been an on and off thing. I’ve never had someone say to my face that I’m weird. I’ve been able to have friends (though not keep them). People only criticized me in subtle, quiet ways, in looks and gestures and confused, semi disgusted staring.

Compared to the kind of awful things autistics go through everyday because of who they are, I’ve had it really, really good.

But I’ve only recently realized that I’m still severely traumatized by the things I have experienced.

All my life, I’ve felt rejected.

I’ve been able to mask enough to seem sort of allistic, but never completely. I never realized I was masking because it was just how people acted around me and I thought that was how I was too.

I offered what I had as authentically as I possibly could. Even when I had friends, there was this barrier that I could never cross with them. I could never understand them, and I don’t imagine they understood me.

My mom says people liked me, but I never felt liked. If I was liked, I don’t know why people didn’t show it.

If people liked me, why did I feel like no one ever thought I was a person? Why did I feel inherently inferior to literally everyone?

Why have I never, ever in my life felt like a human being? Why have I never felt equal to anyone I have ever met?

And I’m just now admitting it. Yeah, I thought it wasn’t that bad, but it is.

I feel like my chest has been ripped open for my whole life and it’s never bled and hurt as much as it has lately.  Even with this though, the one thing I cling to is me. I know I’ll be alright as long as I stay with me.

[nightswithkookmin]

Goldy,

Kind of off topic, but a little on topic. Have you seen the band Maneskin from Italy? They won 2021 Eurovision Song Contest. Beautiful, beautiful people.

I have no idea of their sexual orientation or preferences, but they wear a lot of makeup on and off stage , and smooch on each other a lot on stage. Nobody bats an eye. They are a Metal band and they dress accordingly. I wish that everyone around the world was as accepting as all their fans are. They are super androgynous as well and they are SEXY as hell

Their charm and sexuality is so fluid and just so natural. They are who they are and they are beautiful and fun to watch. Their comfort with each other is how I wish ALL of us would be

Rock bands rock period

I wonder what they look like in brand ads. I wonder if they are given or are required to have a much tamer look with little to no rings and funky clothing or hoop earrings you can barely see.

Where are the dangly chrome earrings?! WHERE ARE THEY?!🤺

I like my BTS the way they are. It's what I bought in. I want to see men in corsets, waist snatched, dark eyeliners selling alcohol to men. Is that too much to ask?! Is it?!😒

This is what happens when they treat queerness as aesthetics and have no qualms drawing on- if not appropriate- gay culture and lifestyle. Y'all just ditch it for your hyper heteromasculinity whenever y'all want😒

Their ability to divorce themselves completly from certain looks at certain times is what gives me whiplash. When that happens, it creates the impression queerness is just a look, gender fluidity is not real and establishes traditional definitions of masculinity as the norm. You do not have to 'look like a man' to sell alcohol 🤺

I was literally waiting for this Kloud, Klout beer ad to drop ever since Winter Package at the end of last year because we all know what most people think about Alcohol and men. I was curious to how how BTS would market to men as compared to women and teens. I feel there is so much room for them to break norms and set new trends in the advertising world. I'm disappointed so far.

For contrast, look at how they look selling a nonachoholic beverage as compared to how they look selling alcohol. Can I weep? Can I?! See how they look like they just stepped off a set for a music video? They look like themselves. Their everyday selves but you look on your left and it's like huh??????

And in case the message and intent is not clear, here is a photo of different models modeling for the same brand.

Their girls look like "girls" and their boys look like "boys." I'd say BTS in those ads look much more similar to the male model here in terms of looks- that clear cut box labeled men- which to me is a problem.

I'm sorry but this is just lazy advertisement. Nothing at all ground breaking. The models look great. Taehyung looks tasty, heteromasculine and perfect.

I feel used to male oriented brands breaking boundaries and participating in the gender discourse in recent times I think my expectations for BTS on this topic in advertisement was this high.

If heteromasculinity is all y'all can tap into to sell a can of drink I'm sorry but that's misogynistic and sexist and homophobic.

If Jimin or any of these boys come out a few years down the lane in another documentary to say these kinds of shit affected them in any way I AM STARTING WORLD WAR III.

I'm tired of seeing Jimin and other Asian men be emasculated and treated as if they aren't men enough just because they look to them 'feminine.' You don't have to fix their masculinity or tweak it to suit your idea and ideals of masculinity. There's no one way of being man.

Don't get me started on the desexualization of Asian men and it's subsequent effects on Asian men. You hear Asian men are not sexy, they do not sell the fantasy, they are not this, they are not that blah blah blah and yet we sit here and wonder why someone like JK, who had probably internalized that shit, would say he wants to be seen as sexy too and perform sexy choreos and shit.

And no, it's not an American Asian problem, it's a global Asian problem. BTS are on the world's stage being socialized by the global community and they do face almost every microaggression prevalent within the regional communities. It's the American's take on them, Canada, UK, Africa, Asia, Europe, all of them. Everyone is projecting on to them their ideals and understanding of gender and who they should be. Did we not see BTS BIOT trending from the Philippines lately? Gay because WHY???? They wear make up and earrings and love androgynous?

Naa, I'm actually getting gassed the more I think about it🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺

The notion that Asians aren't sexy sits on the opposite end of 'Asians are too soft and good looking they are not masculine' all on the something is inherently wrong with Asian men spectrum.

I keep saying Jikook are the two members who've faced and have perhaps had to defend their masculinities the most- from BTS themselves effeminating JK and always bringing his masculinity to question- you know they once said JK is the most feminine within the group? I think so too but that's besides the point chilee.

Then for Jimin, he's always been either over feminized or defeminized, masculated and treated as if his femininity is wrong and invalid. Didn't a certain Karmy call him a fake woman or something like that? It's almost the same microaggressions transfems and gay men steroetyped as bottoms recieve on a dialy basis in this shit hole we call planet. It's all so ghetto.

Ass holes like to masculate and invalidate fems and masculine femininity, it's appalling. And people like to gaslight and pretend these microaggressions cannot have Freudian effects on these people- he is too strong to be bullied, oh he worked so hard on himself he can't crack so easily, oh it's nothing they're just being sensitive, it was joke, they're reading too much into it, and my personal favorite- y'all are over analyzing when you point it out😌

Some people are legit serial gaslighters, they will gaslight you before you can say the Jay in Jesus.

As a black woman growing up in a community that view black women as strong and incapable of being mentally attacked and traumatized by certain experiences- black people don't get depression or mental health issues because they are black and they are strong- being masculated and defeminized on a dialy basis, I tell you- shit is torture.

All of this, and we sit here and wonder why Jimin wants to go to the gym and build muscles and blend in with the boys etc. Could be nothing, could be a response to the over feminization of Jimin, the emasculation or it could be he is internalizing some things. We will never know.

Personally, I feel JM is on the precipice of something and may be its something, may be its nothing but imma put my foot on these companies' neck and keep it there 🤓

Because it's not just about Jimin. It's about all the people who look up to him. All the people he has influence over. For every queer child who sees themselves in him and these men.

Any who. I think I've said everything I want to say on this topic. The weight on my chest is lifted. Asian men are sexy, their masculinity is VALID. Queer masculinity is valid too and they need to be inclusive of it. If you don't wanna include it leave BTS as they are. We get the representation as they are. Don't tweak them in y'all's brand campaigns. Don't fix Jimin's Jawline and make it more chiseled. HE IS PERFECT THE WAY HE IS.

Now please, let's talk about BigHit and the recent shipping agendas.😐

Signed,

GOLDY

[alsikamiwrites]

I was wondering how Muriel would react to a traumatized war veteran who had his brother exicuted by his commanding officer

(He/they)

Muriel reacting to a traumatized war veteran M/c whos brother was executed

Story style: Head-canons Requested by: anon Note: I wasn't sure if you wanted your ask to be a head-canon or a scenario, but I thought it'd be easier to write as a head-canon, so I went with that. I was also unsure of how you wanted the relationship to be, so I went platonic. I hope this is okay, though of course, if you would like something different, let me know! Thank you for sending me an ask💛 Slight Spoiler warning! Tw: Mentions of trauma, murder, panic attacks, and Ptsd

Muriel isn't a stranger to trauma himself.

He knows of the way it haunts you. Keeps you up at night. He knows of the phantom sensations that trick your mind into reliving things that were long in the past. The flashbacks that replay in your minds eye, like a silent movie you can't turn away from. He knows how much it hurts, and how much it will always hurt, everyday. That it never really truly goes away.

That's why he knew the man was going through more than he let on, the more he got to know him.

He was quiet, kept to himself a lot of the time, much like himself.

He wasn't all that interested at first, given the fact that he was trying to avoid others as much as he could.

But after getting to know the man who had come to be one of his dearest friends, he finds himself caring.

Concerned about the far away look his friend had in his eyes, the one that sometimes left him sitting in the same spot for hours on end.

The flinching at sounds that were a bit louder than anticipated, away from unexpected touches, (accidental, of course. He wasn't a touchy person much in the first place.) things that moved too quickly in his already wary sight.

The unprompted attacks of panic that had him screaming his lungs out, chest rising and falling sporadically as if the room were swallowing him whole, punching and writhing out of Muriels' confused and frantic hold as he tried his best to calm him down.

Muriel hated confrontation.

Hated having to ask something of someone when he knew he would hate the same thing asked of himself. Knew he'd never open up.

But he recognized what he was going through.

Could see it so clearly it hurt.

He could see himself.

So he couldn't just...Stand by and watch his friend fall apart right in front of his eyes.

He's not the best at comforting others, not having much experience, but he would try. So one day, after a lot of contemplating, he'd sit him down, deciding to ask him about what was going on

Honestly, he really didn't expect him to talk about it, but he'd definitely listen if he needed someone to lend an ear.

If he'd rather not talk, Muriel would be more than okay with that.

Would suggest going somewhere to get his mind off of it for a little while instead, even though he knows how hard that can be.

Maybe they'd go for a walk in the forest, or he'd go with them into the city, (even though the large man didn't care for it much there, with it being so lively.)

Pretty much anything to distract him from the inevitable and overwhelming grief he knew his friend was going through.

Inanna would even allow him to pet her, sensing his distress, knowing she could trust him given Muriels' friendship.

But if he does end up telling Muriel what happened, he'd let him talk about it without any interruption, his face almost holding no reaction.

Though as soon as trembling hushed words of the horrifying reliving goes into the air, his skin is as white as a sheet, hands shaking atop his knees and tear burned eyes holding sheer remorse as he watches them break down.

It hits almost too close for him, with his past. How he'd...What he was forced to do in the colosseum.

How he had to watch the life of numerous victims eyes drain at his hands, over and over again.

While he knows his situation is much different, his mind can't help but to make the connection.

The constricting ropes of guilt wrapping around him without relent as he watches him try and hold back sobs, try to keep his voice steady, visibly at the brink of another panic as his eyes stare off like they often did.

Somewhere far from where they were sitting at the moment.

Somewhere Muriel knew he couldn't reach. Did they...Did those people go through this hurt too? Did they fall apart with sobs wracking their bodies at the thought of their loved ones dying at cruel hands- his hands.

Did they flinch, and scream, and relive the same nightmare over and over-

He'd force himself to snap out of his own down-ward spiral, blinking away the remaining tears in his eyes with a shaky breath, arm going to wipe away any that strayed quickly.

He didn't deserve to cry.

He, his friend who had helped him when Muriel was in a state not much different than his own, who had understood his traumas, understood him- he needed him right now.

He knows of how much his friend had cared for his brother, having heard so many stories of the man, seen the smile that didn't show very often lift his lips.

Knew he'd held so much pride for his sibling.

Even though Muriel hadn't met him himself, with how much his friend,( who didn't speak so much otherwise)- had spoken so highly of him, he found himself having respect for the man himself.

He's not much help in the regards of wording, but he hopes that his presence is enough.

He's not sure if a pat to the back as comfort would do any good, not knowing how he felt about touch at the moment considering what he had gone through in the past,

But he would definitely sit a safe distance beside him, and ask if he needed anything from him.

Muriel would allow him to vent and let it out for as long as he needed, to grieve.

To lose a brother, family, in that way no less- was nothing short of horrible.

He resented the man who had done it, wanting nothing more than to do something about it. The urge to hurt someone, an urge that usually made him sick to the stomach- to hurt that man, the person who left his friend in this state.

But he knew he couldn't.

The devastating event, while somewhat recent, had happened a little while ago by the sounds of it.

Though, even if he couldn't do anything quite substantial, Muriel could at least be there for him.

Calm him down when he had another trigger induced panic,

Distract him when he noticed he wasn't quite there like he should be,

Do whatever he knew would make the man temporarily happy,

Just...Be the person he wished would've been there for him.

It would be a long ride, these kinds of things; trauma, never just up and left.

But it would subside, little by little. Be a little less painful everyday.

And Muriel knew some days would be harder for him than others, progress seeming to disappear within the blink of an eye at the smallest of remembrances.

But Muriel also knew he would be okay.

He would be there for his friend, for as long as it took. Every step of the way.