#im not sensitive about it cause of my own insecurity

[petrichoraline]

okay the defense for seunghan on tt is rubbing me the wrong way, of fucking course having to apologise for having a gf predebut is ridiculous and the people blaming him for it might do that out of dissatisfaction with their own love lives HOWEVER I keep seeing videos quite seriously saying "sorry he wasn't a pathetic loser and actually pulled bitches" and at first I was like okay you're emphasizing the reason people are attacking him..but at some point I realise that people are being literal like to them not having had a partner is actually smth shameful?

defending seunghan against the most unreasonable hate ever is the right thing to do but why you gotta phrase it like that??

am i being too sensitive? I can't tell

[slightlyunconventional]

hi! i received an ask about making a snz prompts list, and it seemed like a cool idea so im gonna do it !!

slightlyunconventional’s prompt list debut 🪻

(these won’t have any particular theme or anything, just some nice prompts/scenarios that i myself enjoy writing so you might too :3 feel free to use these and i would love to see if anyone writes anything)

☀️ a character waking up to the sun streaming in through their window and having a photic reaction

❓ a character finding out for the first time that they’re allergic to something (their first time encountering a certain animal/flower etc)

🥂 character(s) going to a formal event and everywhere they turn there are people with expensive and strong perfumes on - one or both of the characters being sensitive to it

🔊 a character with typically soft/subdued sneezes catching a cold that turns their sneezes massively more harsh and uncontrollable

🧴 strongly scented beauty/bath products causing a character to sneeze - do they realise right away what’s triggering it, or does it take a while (or perhaps a tip from someone else)?

🫧 a character running a bath for their sick partner, then sitting beside the tub keeping them company whilst they soak - a cold bath for a high fever, or a hot bath for the chills

🌙 a character waking in the middle of the night to find the other side of the bed empty, then finding their partner having a sneezing fit in a different room having left to avoid waking the other one up

❤️‍🩹 a character encouraging their sick partner to stop stifling all their sneezes (maybe it makes them sneeze even more, maybe it worsens the pressure in their sinuses, maybe it amplifies the headache they already have)

☕️ the steam from a mug of hot tea teasing sneezes from a sick character

🔥 a character realising their partner has a fever by feeling the heat of their skin by accident - holding their face to kiss them, feeling their skin when they cuddle in bed, etc

🕰️ a character having to hold back/stifle all day (their job? anxiety/insecurity of sneezing around people? not wanting to spread their cold if they have one? your choice!) and finally getting to let loose once they’re home, sneezes tearing through them unrestrained

💫 a character with the kink inducing their partner, instructing them to hold back for as long as possible (my favourite scenario to read/write. can you tell)

💐 a character with awful hayfever going to a florist’s shop to buy flowers for their partner

🏖️ a character coming down with a cold in the middle of summer - they can’t appreciate the warm weather because they’re wracked with chills

⛓️‍💥 a character with a cold turning down all help/care they are offered, under the pretence that they’re fine on their own, until the end of the day when they end up collapsing (metaphorically or physically)

🩹 a character sneezing for whatever reason whilst they are injured (so much potential here - a broken/bloody nose that they can’t even touch to quell the itch, broken ribs that clench with a spike of pain at each outburst, an injured arm that hurts to cover or stifle with… endless possibilities)

🦋 a nonhuman/semi-human character not being used to sneezing finds they’ve come down with a cold, or developed an allergy

🍷 alcohol making a character sneeze, but they keep drinking, and as they get tipsier, their sneezes become more indulgent and unrestrained

💤 a character about to fall asleep, or who had just woken up, and their drowsiness finds its way into their sneezes

🕯️a character in the candle/perfume/etc section of a store, sniffing each one whilst their partner (who insisted on coming along) sneezes helplessly beside them, assuring them it isn’t the candles/perfume/etc when it most certainly is

i’ve never done a post like this before, so i hope these were okay! if anyone uses any of these i would love to read what you write, too! i also added a different emoji for each one incase anyone wanted to use it as an ask game

[qoldenskies]

Hello, first off happy holidays

Secondly, do you have any tips on writing donnie?

even if i yap ceaselessly about how i think these guys' little brains tick, most of the ways that i write them are more intuitive (other than rewatching the show to get a better sense of their voice/dialogue, which is always something i recommend lol) so i cant give anything super concrete. i am too worried im overinflating my own skill in portraying them to give any advice with complete confidence LMAO

oh actually just understand that donnie can be catty but he usually really has to be pushed to explode most of the time. he doesn't seem to LIKE being upset at all because its overwhelming and he doesn't like being perceived as sensitive even though he is. if its not sudden or angering enough to cause him to blow up in the moment, he'll usually just keep it to himself and let it fester. im thinking of shell in a cell and him taking a deep breath and just kind of allowing mikey to upset him over and over again, but also in donnie vs witch town where its shown he's just been holding onto all of this frustration and insecurity since the beginning, and it really only comes out once it hits a point where it feels personal + he's facing people that feel like a culmination of that problem, without having to tell his family himself.

id argue very seriously that he's the least confrontational of the four of them, because he directly seems to avoid it when he has the chance to, and he really only fights to be heard out instead of for things to go his way. it makes repo mantis very funny because he's telling mikey to grow a spine like he doesn't have less of one than him LMAO

[gxrefxtish]

How would Obey Me characters react to me touching them for the first time?

This is platonic because I am using the persona that I call my “irl persona�� because it’s most similar to me age and personality wise.

I will include the reason I don’t like being touched or touching at the end for context but it may be triggering for some so I will add a warning before it!

The short version is that I’m scared of touching people because I’m scared my touch will hurt people because of how I was hurt and scared of touch because I think they’ll hurt me.

Persona: Scott 14 (he/him)

Lucifer

He probably is one of the people most likely to respect the boundaries without accidentally breaking them.

he’d probably break it on accident by putting a hand on my shoulder or upper back.

The way I’d first touch him would probably be to hold his hand honestly and then after that I’m never letting go. He’s stuck with me.

I doubt he’d be the bragging “look what Scott did? I’m amazing” but definitely feel a sense of pride over the fact I felt comfortable enough.

He’d probably say “you seem comfortable.” And then I’d get insecure and stop touching him even though he’s just like that.

Mammon

He’d probably break it immediately, im sorry but day one when he meets me, he’s putting an arm on my shoulder and doesn’t get a chance to try and scam me before I’m freaking out and pulling away.

He’d accidentally break it a couple times but overall never on purpose.

I cant really think of a way I’d touch him but I think it would be one of the times he puts and arm on my shoulder and I don’t react much.

He’d brag about the “first man” thing. Gonna be honest he probably wasn’t the first

“Of course you’re okay with the great mammon touching ya!” Well not anymore! (He’s too cocky about it)

Leviathan

Well, he’s definitely not breaking it anytime soon…we probably aren’t even in the same room long enough for that to happen.

In the case he does accidentally touch me it’s probably when he gets excited over an anime or game and excitedly holding my shoulders and shaking me and when he stops I’m just sitting there, blankly, and very tense.

I would probably touch him when he’s shaking me excitedly and I put my hands on him to shake him back with the same excitement would being scared and tense. He’d get so excited over this he’s be like “omg I’m surprised you wanna touch a gross otaku like me” in true leviathan fashion.

He’d brag to Mammon about it to specifically make him feel bad and happily text everyone in the group chat so much he can’t type properly and annoys everyone.

Satan

He’s probably 3rd least likely to accidentally touch me Lucifer right under him. (haha)

I think he’d read up on it and ask me so many questions about it to try and understand, I actually enjoy stuff like that because it shows me they care.

I think the only way he’d touch me on accident is trying to grab something and accidentally grabbing me or touching me instead but he’d probably apologize right after.

I’d probably touch him when he’s sitting on the couch reading and I sit down next to him (which is a feat in its own) and lean my head on his shoulder.

Rubs it in Lucifer’s face.

Asmodeus

He’d break it so many times and immediately first meeting honestly, he’d feel terrible every time but he’s trying, guys, he’s trying.

He’d hug me so many times causing me to panic, especially from behind touching me from behind is 50/50 chance of me punching you.

The first time I let him touch me is when I let him paint my nails for the first time, I’m very sensitive about my hands so letting him touch them is a huge step.

He’d get so giddy and excited happily telling everyone, less in a bragging way but more of a “I’m so proud” way.

Beelzebub

He doesn’t have a reason to touch me so he probably won’t, 10/10 very nice.

He’d probably only do it on accident trying to get my attention by tapping on my shoulder resulting in me freaking and punching at him, he doesn’t flinch, just stares at me very concerned.

I’d probably touch him by hugging him he just looks so huggable, or holding his hand. After that it’s piggyback rides and hand holding constantly.

I don’t think he’d brag, just be like “yeah Scott’s holding me hand a lot” not understanding how big that it and wondering why everyone is so shocked.

Belphegor

He’s asleep half the time when the fuck would he ever have that chance.

I think I’d have one of the worst experiences with him honestly, he’d probably grab me as he’s sleeping and pull me close to him and I would start freaking out and the only way I’d get out is when is brothers come rushing in because of me yelling and they have Beel pry me away from him.

Traumatizing -10/10.

I think I’d touch him when he’s sleeping and I go over to him and lay with him, probably for comfort.

Also rubs it in Lucifer’s face and happily talks to Beel about it.

Diavolo

I think he’d try to help me up when I’m on the ground after getting sent to Devildom or holding his hand out for a hand shake and I’d just stare at his hand but when I reach out out of nervousness to say no he’s like “you don’t have to.”

He’d probably touch me on accident in a similar manner to Lucifer with a hand on the shoulder and I almost punch him to but luckily he managed to stop it. (I’d hide in my room under the bed for a week out of pure embarrassment and regret)

I’d probably touch him when we are hanging out or something and im thinking about how I’ve never given him a proper handshake and I finally (very hesitantly) give one. That or a hug, probably the hug, he also looks so huggable like AHHHHHH-

He’d get so excited and talk to Lucifer and Barbatos about in in their group chat just going “OMG THEY TOUCBEF ME” “that’s great my lord now please do your work.”

Barbatos

He’d know immediately not to touch me he’s awesome I love barbatos so mu

I cant really think of an incident he’d accidentally touch me tbh…idk maybe when he’s stopping me from freak out punching Diavolo. maybe when he’s handing me a drink or food he accidentally touches my hand making me scratch at that spot repeatedly.

I actually think I’d have like touch therapy session with him, like he puts his hands on my arms and I put mine on his to show I’m not hurting him and he’s not hurting me.

(I actually have a drawing like that but of me with Hannibal)

He’s not a bragger or even much of a teller, he’d probably tell Lucifer and Diavolo, the end, that’s it.

Simeon

He’s amazing at respecting boundaries with only the occasional slip up about them, overall great.

I think he’d try to gently put a hand on my shoulder to signal for me to move over or something and I accidentally scare him with me getting scared. (Sorry Simeon)

I think the first time I touch him is a hug, or leaning on him in some way like a head on the shoulder.

He’d be so excited and would spam Luke and the Purgatory Hall chat about it, crashing his phone.

Luke

I’m not scared of him hurting me I’m scared of hurting him. I don’t want to do something to make him uncomfortable.

He’d probably try to tap my shoulder to get my attention and I’d scare him on accident, luckily I’d probably catch myself before hitting him but I’d have to sit him down and very calmly explain he can’t do that and I won’t take any touch well and I don’t wanna hurt him, and some better alternatives are saying my name or tapping the table in front of me.

I’d probably touch him first by rubbing his hair like an annoying older brother or when he’s upset and I hesitantly (and very awkwardly) hug him

So giddy about it, he’d happily tell Simeon, Barbatos, and Solomon about it like “He finally touched me! He isn’t scared of me anymore!” And then Simeon would have to explain I’m scared of myself not Luke. (Luke was very sad about how I felt and baked for me)

Solomon

Accidental Cunttm I honestly think he’d accidentally be a bitch. He doesn’t mean wrong he’s just a fucking idiot.

He’d probably try to gently elbow me as a joke, like when someone’s laughing and elbows you? Ya know? Anyways I’d push him over and immediately apologize.

I think the first time I’d touch him would be a high five I’m not kidding a high five is probably the first thing I do.

He doesn’t seem like a bragger, he’d probably be like “nice haha” and then we go along normally.

Why I don’t like touch

TW SA, COCSA

I’m not going into detail because I like my privacy but I was assaulted when I was 4 or 6, 9, and I think 12-13 and I’m scared of being touched but also scared of hurting people, especially those younger than me even though I know I’m not going to hurt someone on purpose.

Anyways that was silly of me haha😝

[witchykale]

uh oh im talking about daemos ava again!!

i think besides the biological basis for ava not being human, there are a lot of social aspects of ava’s character that could be explained by her being a daemos

ava’s biggest and most inhibiting character trait is her antisocial personality. she wants to stay in her apartment all day, watch tv and avoid her friends’ calls. and you could just say “lmao that bitch is depressed” but CONSIDER. what if that disconnect with her peers isn’t just because of her depression, but something greater?

ava doesn’t feel like she fits in with other people. she’s insecure, she thinks everyone’s eventually going to leave her. finding out that lorelai’s friends didn’t like her was just a confirmation of her fears. so why does she have such an aversion to people?

i think ava knows she’s different. not that she knows she’s a daemos, or even that she’s not a human, but she somehow has this feeling that she’s fundamentally different from other humans.

does that REMIND you of anything??

it is SHOWN that daemos have a 6th sense for telling the difference between daemos and humans. in the finale, the main five individually sense that zex is a daemos before he even walks in the room. ava’s detachment from humans is her 6th sense!

in addition, i think this adds another layer to the way ava reacted to bullying in high school. in the flashback, a couple kids talk about how “weird” ava is and mention her parents. ava immediately reacts, shouting at them to “talk bad about [her], not [her] parents”

i think the surface-level implication here is that ava has likely dealt with a lot of homophobia directed toward her parents, which made her pretty sensitive to other kids talking about them.

BUT what if it was more than that??

what if the real reason ava is so defensive of her parents… is because she knows she’s not like them?

i’m not just talking biologically — i don’t think she’s insecure about her relation to her parents because she was adopted, but because they’re human and she’s not. this ties back into ava’s daemos sense: whether she likes it or not, she knows she’s not like other humans. this feeling, combined with her love and adoration for her dads, makes things very complicated for her.

ava has two truths that she can’t seem to reconcile: she’s not human, but her dads are. she was raised to view them as her parents, she has a parental relationship with them, she loves them, but deep down, she has this sort of insecurity that what she has with her parents is not what other people have. so, she cares about them, but she still sees them the way she sees every other human: not like her.

this takes me to my biggest point, which is the actual plot of MID — ava’s biggest character arc is caused by her friendship with the daemos. the boys are the first people that she really starts to feel comfortable with, as she slowly lets her guard down and comes out of her shell throughout the season

i think that, while the character arc definitely stands on its own as ava growing and changing for the better as a person, i also think that her actually being a daemos adds a very interesting layer to what would otherwise be a very run-of-the-mill arc that most introvert characters go through. this would mean the biggest reason ava could come out of her shell around the daemos was the fact that she was finally with her own kind

unlike the aphmau werewolf reveal (werewolf aphmau my #1 opp) i actually think ava’s character was set up very nicely for a daemos reveal! but those are just my thoughts on it, and i also don’t think that any of the obvious/canon stuff (like ava’s depression or experience with homophobia) can’t stand on its own without some big fantasy reveal, ava is first and foremost a regular person with real-world issues and i think those things can be just as valid to the story as the more fictional elements :)

[dont-hug-me-im-hyperfixating]

Would it be okay to ship my oc Aeolus with your nexus version? 👉👈👀.

This isn’t my art by the way- I asked someone to make fanart of them

ANYWAY, Basic info on them:

They are daycare attendant and theatre performer made from fazbear that wanted to make more money by adding a new animatronic.

They’re bigender, pronouns are she/he but mostly uses they/them

Their personality is kinda split, usually they seem gentle and awkward around people, plus they’re generally quite and they’re tone is very soft spoken but they’re also compassionate and friendly if they warm up enough. But don’t judge a book by its cover, when they perform they are a completely different person. They act all confident and show off their skills and become very alluring. They are fruity performer more than ruin-I mean *AHEM* They just don’t show it oftentimes when they are around people mostly because they’re too weak and insecure. They can be out of touch with their own feelings while they’re being overly sensitive at the same time.

They have a pretty aggressive side to them that ONLY gets triggered when you threaten their friends/family/partners. They are soft but do NOT get on their bad side.

They are intelligent and oftentimes they don’t acknowledge it sometimes but they are very honest and direct, speaks their mind and tends to see both sides of arguments. They are mostly just trying to keep peace and harmony but sometimes it’s hard to maintain balance. They’re so insecure and scared and they don’t know how to handle situations appropriately so they often feel stuck,,

They have many fears. Like A LOT of fears and mental health issues. Mostly they have anxiety, inner self doubt, and negative self image. They constantly fear and worry about what others think and sometimes they can low self esteem.

They are considered a family friend in tsams. They were a stranger to celestial family at first but they got use to them and now they gotten really close together, Nexus specifically. Aeolus and Nexus have a causal relationship, it’s not always perfect at first because Aeolus is socially awkward and is terrible at communicating and Nexus is still trying to discover himself and not very used to romantic relationships but they openly warm up to each other company and soon or later it blossoms.

SORRY this took forever I wanted to draw them and I didn't have the energy to lmao

Its giving the bride and the ugly ass groom

I loved draw Aeolus omg- they're so pretty-

Nexus's gay ass would be insane

My Nexus version already has 2 bfs but honestly I wouldn't put it past him to want to date Aelous too. They're so pretty

Also traditional one cause I had to sketch trying to draw them before I actually did

Im like obsessed with drawing Aeolus even tho its so complicated. Ansehssns

[sukirichi]

my biggest issue with dtd is the fact that SUNA IS JUST SO FUCKING ANNOYING (not your writing, just him) like wdym you have an issue with your wife going on a trip with your mistresses husband? you think she’s gonna cheat? you think she’ll do exactly what you’re doing?

also he’s just so confusing. like you LOVEEEE your wife but you’re still fucking that idiom chick or whatever. men are so dense, it’s like he takes yn’s actions at face value and can’t see her inner turmoil where she is very much still in love with him. he plays into the cocky “i can’t let you go” role but he’s so blinded by his jealousy over her friendly nature with his brothers, that he can’t see that - even though she’s trying to make friends - she’s trying to forget about the pain suna’s causing her.

i will say though, i think him being forced to stay away from his brothers during his younger years played a huge role in why he is the way he is. i don’t wanna say he was raised spoiled, but i feel like to an extent the queen maybe kept affirming him “everything in this kingdom is yours” or gave him gifts to make up for the fact that he has no social skills with family, and that’s led to this situation where as an adult he still believes he can get everything he wants.

ORRRR, my final theory. (i’m so sorry my brain is fried i can’t remember iris’ mother’s name.) i think her name was kate? but i genuinely feel like she’s the ultimate puppet master. she’s playing suna, she’s playing iris, she’s playing the whole kingdom. it’s a game of chess and she’s so close to checkmate. i don’t know what her ultimate goal would be, im assuming it’s that whole “if /I/ can’t become queen, then you must do it in my place.” like those mum’s who live vicariously through their child star kids… if it turns out iris’ mum was the issue the whole time then i MAY feel a little bad for iridium, but i still don’t like her.

one final thing, IM SO WEAK OH MY GOD, i get why yn isn’t over şuna im not even joking, i hate him but id be on my hands and knees begging for him to just help fix our marriage. unless…. he’s being blackmailed to be iris’ affair partner…. 👀

wait — i’m cooking… WHAT IF HES BEING BLACKMAILED AND HIS BROTHERS ARE THE ONES IN DANGER?? like he never got to grow with them, but maybe he feels if he saves them from this he will be part of the silly drawings?? and the blackmail theory might work, i have a feeling if he’s gonna be betrayed by a brother, it’s going to be through sensitive information being given to iris’ mother so that it can be used against him and the royal family? idk i lost my theory half way through LOL

-shhh anon

you’re so real for that, suna is one big (misunderstood, but still!) asshole here 😭 also i get you, canon sunarin is PERFECT and is a total baby, he would never <3 HELP NOT THE IDIOM CHICK I’M CACKLING SPSPS

also also yes! you’re right! jealousy blinds him sm that he can’t realize that the princess is friendly and she gets along well with everyone - even with the stoic ushijima and tooru (who shamelessly says he doesn’t like anyone) she’s overall a very likeable person, but bcos rin is insecure n jealous, he assumes she’s immediately replacing him OR that his brothers are out to woo her. i mean, some of them would, but you catch my drift. it’s really just hypocritical of him that he wanted someone his family would like, and when they do like her, he’s like 🤨⁉️ and your theories ooh, very interesting 👀 i can’t confirm nor deny the effects of suna’s upbringing to him but we will have suna’s childhood + backstory in ch11!

iridium, i’m gone lmfao 😭 i’m like part laughing out loud and part nodding at everything you say. kate is, well... she’s a mystery pretty much to everyone, and so is iris. i kinda wrote it that way because i wanted iris’ role in the series to slowly unveil itself. ALSO NO I GET YOU i see sunarin fanarts and i CRUMBLE. lowkey i hate the way i wrote him to be an antagonist in his own story because it’s so hard to like him but also i like the canon sunarin sm so it’s hard 😭 i’m so torn between wanting to stick to his dtd characterization and just making him an irresistible guy :( but maybe i could do both? let’s see. BUT IK HE’S JUST SO QBSKWKW i do have to give him a winning card though, so suna will have more scenes in the future where we might just hope he’d be the endgame. and that final theory hello ?! again, i can’t say much BUTTTT i can say for sure, suna does actually want to be part of the drawings </3 he wishes he had his own section in omi’s library too :(

anyways thank you sm for taking the time to share with me your thoughts, i really appreciate it 🥺💫 and i’d love to hear more of your theories bcos dare i say... you’re close to cracking the code on some of them 👀

[jiniretluvr]

could I request a lee! Hyunjin with ler! Changbin🥹

im a sucker for ler changbin so ily for this😭🩵

𝘽𝙀𝘼𝙐𝙏𝙄𝙁𝙐𝙇 𝘽𝙊𝙔.

𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: lee!hyunjin x ler!changbin

𝙄𝙈𝙋𝙊𝙍𝙏𝘼𝙉𝙏!: this is a tickle writing, don’t like it? it costs $0 to keep scrolling.

୨🪼୧

Hyunjin was good at hiding in his shell in front of others. But when put in front of a canvas, he can’t hold back his emotions as he pours them out with paint. He was currently working on a rather sad looking piece. A boy that was his image of beautiful, only with people in the background giving odd stares. It made Hyunjin think of all the hate comments he’s been reading recently, all of them degrading his looks. He knew he shouldn’t be affected by the comments since most of them were probably insecure, but he couldn’t help it. He had a sensitive heart.

The overwhelming thoughts invaded his mind until he felt a tear fall from his face. Looking at the beautiful boy in his painting made him only begin to cry more, wishing he never even read those comments.

���Hyune?” Said a voice no other than Changbin. Who walked in unannounced upon hearing soft crying coming from Hyunjins room.

“What’s going on? Why is our handsome man crying?” Changbin spoke while shuffling over to Hyunjin, rubbing his back softly to comfort the boy.

“I’m not handsome Binnie. Stays even said so!” Hyunjin buried his face into Changbins chest, who was standing next to him.

“If you’re talking about the comments on Twitter, we told you those don’t count. Those aren’t real stays if they’re talking bad about our beautiful boy.” Said changbin as he pouted a bit now that he understood why his member was upset.

“It’s hard not to believe them.” Hyunjin stood from his desk chair to belly flop on his own bed and bury his face in his pillow.

“I don’t like seeing you this upset Hyune. You should believe your members over strangers. And believe me when I say, I find it adorable when our beautiful boy smiles!” Changbin followed the taller and sat next to him on the bed, his fingers teasingly poking Hyunjins ribs in attempt to cheer the sad boy up.

“Bin! Stop that.” Hyunjin flinched and whipped his head around to squint at his raven haired member.

“Not until I see that smile.” And with those words, Changbins fingers began poking all over Hyunjins sides. The taller immediately started giggling and rotated onto his back in attempt to grab Changbins wrists.

“Ch-changbin! Qu-quihihit it!” The taller tried squirming off the bed. Only to be caught by a rather buff changbin as the said boy sat on Hyunjins waist, straddling his legs on either side and trapping the taller under him. His fingers didn’t stop, instead Changbin decided to switch tactics. Going from poking to digging his fingertips directly into Hyunjins upper rib. Causing the boy to let out a ticklish scream as he began squirming under Changbin’s grasp, trying to curl in a ball to stop the attack.

“CHANGBIHIHIHIN! WHY?!?” Hyunjin laughed his signature loud cackly laughter. His head flying backwards as he does so. He would never admit to anyone, but he didn’t necessarily hate being tickled. It’s just that he was way too sensitive that after only a few minutes he usually couldn’t handle it anymore.

Changbin knew this, even if Hyunjin denies it. The taller would never outright ask to be tickled, but he didn’t need to. Changbin always thought Hyunjins laugh was like a cure, and he loved how beautiful it was. This made him want to tickle Hyunjin all the time. In the dance studio, on stage, on walks to random cafes, and also this current situation. A sad Hyunjin was not something Changbin liked to see, which meant it was time to bring out the big guns to make sure Hyunjin forgot all about those comments.

“You’re so adorable Hyune, your giggles are like music to my ears!” Changbin teased while his hands reached down and dug straight into Hyunjins hipbone, causing the other to not only blush a crimson red from the teasing, but also caused his laugh to go up an octave.

His squirming turning more into flailing, wishing he never let Changbin know about his weak spots. He didn’t know the other would use it against him! “OH MY GOHOHOD!! P-PLEHEHEASE!!” Hyunjin screamed between laughs, doing his best to try and buck Changbin off of him. Was he successful? Not at all.

“Please what? Keep tickling you? Aw Jinnie of course I can!” The raven teased, using Hyunjins weak state to pin his arms up easily with one hand. Smirking as his fingers hovered over the boys armpits.

“N-no. Bin oh my god no! Don’t even think ab-OUT IHIHIHIT AHHH!! NOT THEHEHERE! PLEASE STAHAHAP!” Hyunjin began howling with laughter as Changbin began scribbling all over the hollow of Hyunjins armpit, his limbs too weak to flail anymore. Which meant he just had to sit and endure the torture while laughing like a maniac. His eyes slammed shut as he shook his head back and forth wildly.

“Stop? But Hyune you look so beautiful when you laugh like this! So carefree and pure~” Changbin couldn’t help but laugh along with how sensitive his member was, it still took him by surprise every time he tickled him. “I won’t stop until you say you’re beautiful, Jinnie. You’ve been feeding yourself lies too much recently!” Said the buff boy as he refused to let up with his fingers. One hand pinning Hyunjins wrists, the other switching from scribbling his armpit to very softly brushing against his neck, something that drove the taller male absolutely crazy.

Hyunjin didn’t think he could laugh this hard but something about Changbins small hands Gently brushing over his neck made him roar with giggles. How did he know how much light tickles affected him?

Trying to protect both his neck but scrunching it up, and try protecting his underarms by yanking on his stuck wrists. It was starting to become unbearable. He couldn’t fight back as strongly as he did in the beginning, which led him to give in so easily.“OKAHAHAY! OKAY OKAY! IM BEHEHEAUTIFUL!” He screamed, his body growing tired ass he went from flailing weakly to barely able to even squirm.

Changbin caught on to the boys tiredness, and decided he’s happy with what he heard. Letting go of Hyunjins wrists and removing his hand from the others body, a smile on his face. “That’s what I like to hear Jinnie. You’re our gorgeous GORGEOUS boy, and we love you.”

Hyunjin was currently trying to catch his breath, but he couldn’t get rid of the smile that was plastered across his face. A deep blush quickly growing from Changbins words. “Do you actually think so?” He said while weakly pushing Changbin down, suddenly in desperate need of snuggles.

“I don’t think so, I know so. You light up people’s world just by a simple smile Hyune.” The buff boy wrapped his arms around the other, playing with his hair to calm him down after tickling him so intensely.

“Thank you Bin, I really needed that.” He leaned into Changbins soft touch. He felt way better after letting all that laughter and stress roam free in the air. His eyes suddenly grew heavy as he feels he just ran a marathon. A yawn escaping as he rests his head on the others chest.

“Of course love. You’ll always be our beautiful boy.”

୨🪼୧

(a/n: AHH it’s been so long since i’ve written, please bare with me as i’m a bit rusty! but thank you anon for the request! i adore this sm 🩵)

[lucidl0ser]

HI IM BACK AGAIN, THE 🍓ANON, this time I want to request a matchup for TR.

Female, straight, I want to be paired with a man pls ^^

I'll try to keep it short because I have a complex personality but ok

Firstly, I'm introverted, I like to be at home, playing my video games, drawing... I'm just too lazy, but i like to go out too for a bit and make chill plans like taking a stroll around a park or something, nothing about partying or that sort of stuff, I'm chill, tho if I'm in the mood I won't reject a new experience for me at all, i love my comfort zone but i know how much i need to get out of it too, for my own well being.

I'm a highly sensitive person, I cry a lot, even for good things, but I am really rational too, loyal to my own beliefs, stubborn and a perfectionist. I like dressing in all black, but I love cute stuff like sylvanian, hello kitty, cats...

I can be quite jealous or obssesive with a partner but i try to control it and talk things out if something goes wrong, I'm touch starved tbh, loyal and kind. I'm a big tease too, sometimes too much, tho i get flustered very easily

Sarcastic, a bit passive-agressive.

I have a sense of humor, which is mostly quite sarcastic and dark or even really stupid, I laugh about everything. I overthink a LOT, and I'm really fearful and I got anxiety, but I'm always trying to improve, and I want to get out of my comfort zone to overcome my insecurities-fears-vulnerabilities so i can be happy with myself.

For my friends I'm a weirdo but not even joking (they say it with love ig) bc I do weird stuff, they aren't wrong lol😭😭😭 Well that's it thank youuu

Sorry this too so long, but I saw the other ask as well with the other details. I hope you enjoy! ♡

You got...

.

.

.

Chifuyu Matsuno!

○ I think you and Chifuyu would bond first over your mutual liking of cats and Hello Kitty, tho his favorite is Chococat♡

○ Together, I like to think you two would bicker and tease each other like an old married couple, but I don't think you'd argue

○ About being touch starved, that's definitely gonna change cause Chifuyu is CLINGY. He's gonna want lots of hugs and casual affection, holding your hand lots and just kissing your cheek

○ I think if you're feeling anxious out in public, he'd immediately notice and make some lame excuse before dragging you away

○ About your jealousy, I think he'd love it! It just makes him so happy knowing you love him so much that you hate seeing him with other girls(which is a rare sight anyways)

[nahalism]

i just quit my job, that drained me. It feels both bad and good, because I don't have another one lined up, but it takes out all my life energy. The energy of my coworkers is dark and bullying, it's disrespectful. One of them is giving me the chills since day 1 and has dark energy. I don't know if witchcraft is a thing, but I randomly saw a video about it, i think it was wizardliz and how she said you take that energy and get these thought w you, even if you don't want it, i was like, ok this is exactly this person. It's hard to explain. Anyway, in the end it's me allowing myself getting disrespected. It means I'm not in the right place. The darkness that it gives me, is pushing me to see the light. But still I feel bad, cause a lot of people need a job, want a job, and I threw it away after 4 years. I'm sorry for ranting in your inbox. I didn't tell anybody, because I know people talk me out of it, cause it's a good job and you need money right. But i feel like i'd hang myself, being around these people a day longer. I don't wanna say there's bad people, but it felt lke that and i know everybody that puts darkness on me, needs to find their own light and pushes me to find mine. But man, idk, i can't believe there are people like this. Who constantly talk and judge others, never check the mirror. I don't like labels ,but I use to question myself if I'm anti-social, autistic, weird, but I believe I'm sensitive to a point that it doesn't matter what anybody says or does, it's what i feel and if that isn't good, i can not be around you. I know someone who hurt me, but i know in my heart she didn't mean to. I guess she didn't know better. Despite that, I feel pure about her. Safe around her and I know she does with me. And then there're these people who claim to be good, acts of kindness, trynna hang w you, but then it feels off. Not pure. Not safe. Does it make sense? I know I will face more situations like this, but how do I deal with it. Do you have tips? Don't feel obligated to answer. I hope you are doing good x

heyyyy, first of all!!! congratulations on making a decision that makes you happy. you did something brave and took your future into your own hands. dont let outside noise, guilt, or fear move you from acknowledging that. there are always ways to make money, but our time here and what we do with it is finite so the quality of your experience matters.

i think you did a powerful thing trying to find how those negative experiences could teach you something or push you toward an experience of life you would rather have. as im sure you know, negative experiences are half the battle. mastering ourselves and our response to them is often the harder and more necessary task. however, knowing that can make leaving harder, cause not being able to 'rise above' and endure something tough can often feel like a failure to master yourself or those circumstances. that said, i think you did the right thing leaving a space that doesnt make you happy. as much as we can change ourselves, its not our job to change people, and at a certain point we have to believe and trust in what we feel. our feelings toward things are some of our indicators toward whether or not what we experience is aligned with us.

in terms of witchcraft. i know juju is a real thing but i dont give it much weight or credence simply because i believe like frequencies latch on to like frequencies. if its true that the universe is mental and we create our realities then those things that manifest in our lived experience have their root within us. ��� this is why 1) theres a deep meaning to 'no weapon formed against me shall prosper'. when you have conviction of yourself and your path, wayward energies cannot get to you or conquer you. if someone would wish you evil, but you hold no resonance toward that evil, or you have no fear/insecurity concerning their power over you, that evil cannot latch on to you and returns back to sender. — 2) (this relates to how you conduct yourself in the future), practice stilling yourself, knowing where you are going, and what your experience of where you will to go looks and feels like. then go forward. when you encounter people you disagree with, who trigger you, or who give you a similar vibe to the people you have just left, you can do one of two things. seek the aspect of you that identifies with them. (if you didn't identify or fear their ability to rub off on you, you would be able to tune them out or brush them off. soon they would cease to exist around you whether its them getting moved to another department, or you getting promoted etc) orrrr. choose to see them. understand that beyond the face they show you, they have different faces and aspects to them. who are they to their mother? their brother? their children. by seeing them in the full scope of their humanity you can remember that they are more than the aspect of them you see that aggravates you & in doing so treat them as you would treat someone you love. its a funny thing, cause that person could be an asshole to everyone else, yet the softest most generous person to you, because when we see people for who they are or even more than what they are, they usually respond in like mind.

wishing you so much luck and good fortune in your future endeavours. your effort will not betray you 💋

[bellysoupset]

hi again!!

okay first off i LOVED Bella and Luke’s impromptu wedding AHHHH they’re so so adorable😭 also, i know i said sicily part 6 was WONDERFUL (all time fave fr) but i never commented on part 7 and OH MY GOODNESS i had to take breaks from reading bc of how hard i was blushing at vin teasing wen 🤭 she was so real for every single one of her reactions omg

on that note OMG so excited for that food poisoning fic I CANT WAIT TO READ IT <3 and i love that it’s gonna be angsty and touch on her body dysmorphia ahhhh 😭🫶🏽

ALSO i’ve been meaning to ask this because i feel like you haven’t talked about it much? (or maybe i missed it? if so im so sorry lol) but basically, i know you said that wendy’s parents were NOT happy with her coming out, but that they eventually sort of “allowed” her to transition bc her mental health got bad. i clearly love angst (all your angsty fics are TOP TIER🤭), so i really wanna know more about her mental health struggles. is that something you’d dive into in an ask, or would you maybe incorporate it and/or hint at it in fics? i would genuinely LOOOOOVE to learn more about this!!!

ANYWAYS again YOU’RE AWESOME & IM OBSESSED WITH YOUR OCs‼️

- 🦦

Hi 🦦!!

What a wall of love, my heart is bursting out of my chest 😭 And Sicily 6 being your all time fave of all 102 fics of mine, this is HIGH PRAISE!!

Wendy whenever Vin brings up tummyaches is like Error 404, I feel her in my bones. If a hot guy did that to me I think I might just have a stroke and die.

I haven't actually covered any of Wendy's mental health issues in my fics! I had planned on doing one in NY with Vin & Wendy, but I keep putting it off bc I know I'll have to tap on some sensitive topics that require research on my part and I'm lazy.

Here's some things I think on Wendy's case. She's always been a chubby girl, but before her transition this bothered her a lot. It added to the already installed feelings of something being off with her and even when she managed to put things together, but was not allowed to transition physically this made her life hell. It was a toss up between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia.

She got a pretty bad eating disorder back then (which btw, never made her thin, only fucked up her health) and she s*lf-h4armed, up until her parents found out about this, alongside some pretty concerning journals with su1cide ideation and they "caved".

Simply put her parents are jerks, but they're not evil and in hindsight they do know it was the right thing to do, they're just... Well, jerks who refused to own up the fact they were wrong and certain things are still very wrong.

I think it's important to highlight Wendy and Leo are very different in this aspect, even if both of them have had suic1dal thoughts and struggled with their queer identities. Wendy is not chronically depressed, she hit a rough patch and she has since healed up. She's in a great place right now and, yes, she's got insecurities and fears, but she's not medicated and doesn't need to be.

Leo's depression is chronical and he's medicated and will always be so. Without his meds he will struggle with su1cidal thoughts and erratic behavior regardless of how happy he is with his life at the moment.

Wendy's trigger make her cry, at most they make her sad for a week. Leo's triggers cause severe panic attacks.

[rin-and-jade]

we’re a system and we find ourselves really insecure about the amount of headmates we have a lot. it makes me feel fake when i’m over here with 40+ alters and other systems have like 20 max, especially because it can feel like their trauma was worse than mine. some of my headmates are fictives and that also contributes— it feels like i’m just making up more and more people as i go because i want them? even though i know that isn’t true. everyone acts like 20 is such a big number of alters and i feel like i can’t have more than that or i’m just exaggerating or trying to make it seem like i have it the worst ever if that makes any sense. every time we split i get upset and i go searching through the list to see if anyone’s dormant. it’ll only make me feel better if i find a pluralkit proxy to delete, to make up for the one that was added, but that rarely ever happens.

Numbers are pretty subjective in this context, if they’re making a big deal about having 20 it may look like they had fewer for a good while until the numbers went up again (but this is an example for such reaction).

I have something that can be used as an example (sorry if this counts as sensitive but this is the easiest one tbh), like, if you weigh around 50kg and someone is 45kg, do you sometimes think you’re fat? I admit some of our people will do. But what happens if you keep seeing other people who are around 49kg and less? It feels even more convincing, right?? You started to think that you’re not inside the acceptable range of what you had known about and now you assumed being fat and it isn’t normal. But remember, everyone’s healthy or normal weight looks different, and the thing is, trying to fit in with the wrong group will cause even more harm.

What im trying to say is, everyone has their own amount (and types) of headmates and it has nothing to do with anything at all, it doesn’t directly mirrors how bad or how normal things are viewed as. Everyone has their own unique numbers (and kinds of alters) that shouldn’t be used as a comparison, but more of something to embrace personally. We also had over 40+ at best but the population mostly died down from dormancy or fuses too, im sorry if you feel discouraged by the amount of your people due to the feelings of exclusion but i promise you are still valid as fuck and dreading over a new thing to delete only adds up more stress that felt unnecessary.

I hope you can finally make peace with yourself because stressing over something can take a toll on a person one day, and I don’t want that happening to you so try your best to think with more perspective rather than sticking to one only <3 (im so sleepy sorry if words feel off)

- j

[mihai-florescu]

Okay I did post the au in 3 different parts and had a tag for it but I forgot it so I'm just gonna screenshot my notes app instead

Ummm a basic summary is that a random selection of the enstars cast get affected by this weird disease or something and it causes them to try to inflict suffering on themselves and everyone else as much as possible. In my dream the only character that was focused on regarding who had it was niki so I had to think of who else would get it. You can get the disease through your insecurities consuming you to a point it makes you sensitive to the disease.

An interesting part of the dream was that Sora's synesthesia was able to tell who had it because their colour would be horrifying no matter how well they acted (except one guy. uhh). When everyone finds out about the disease everyone tries to help as much as possible. Natsume and Sora try to find a cure (Tsumugi was one of the first affected and that's how they found it). Because of that Tsumugi's just kinda their test dummy to find out about the disease.

Ummm I thought of a good/bad ending. It's very black and white it's just everyone's fine or everyone's affected. I've only thought about the good + bad ending for crazy:b so don't ask about the others. If you wanna add to this you're more than welcome actually.

Also shoutout to my mutual @.mutsuowo for helping me with it. Mainly the stuff with knights I know shockingly little about knights

The sickness reminds me of akumatization in miraculous ladybug, i think it's an interesting premise to push people to their limits in crisis. But for worldbuilding purposes, at what point in the timeline did you envision this AU happening? Im asking because im not sure if nazuna being insecure about his leadership skills really fits in current ES2 where he hasnt been the leader of ra*bits in a year. But if the AU happens in like. Spring-summer of ES1 it could add another point of tension. Thinking about this illness being a direct result of the war, even. Maybe.

Im not entirely sold on wataru having it though. You said eichi would be the only one who kind of knows, and to me in that case he would leave no stone unturned to try to help wataru heal. Which would lead to him having to work directly with natsume for a cure... im quite interested in this part. Especially if tsumugi is patient 0 they're testing remedies on. How far would eichi go experimenting? The arguments with natsume that would ensue? Much to think about here...

I like that chiaki gets it and kanata helps make him human again... reverse meteor impact. Also i imagine madara tries to hide it and doesnt tell anyone, espeeecially not kanata. But i want kanata to find out that madara was affected too and to try to help (but also for him to remember how he cant actually heal anyone, he's not a god, do you think he forgot how his first failed miracle was madara's own sister?). Im not sold on madara's insecurity that makes him sick being just. His loneliness. It seems too shallow for how much is actually wrong with this guy, the loneliness is more of a cure he finds for himself to not let others know he is sick more than the symptom itself.

As for knights hmmm depending on when the AU is set i could see tsukasa also getting it. Leo and tsukasa both, and they end up helping each other as well. The description of sick izumi in your notes is just regular ES1 izumi...funny.

[embeddedsystems-shius]

Writing good morning messages to someone who's never gonna read it. I am OFFICIALLY losing my damn mind again LMAOOO

Fuck it! Honestly it's so fucking stupid - but its what gets me through the day.

AND I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY BAD FOR ME. I KNOW

But this shit makes me kinda really happy. Probably so much happier than I should be.

So. I am giving into my most INSTINCTUAL, BASAL, ANIMALISTIC fuckin' instinct/need/yearning/whatever the fuck right - and I've been sending the most HONEST messages to somebody who's never gonna read them.

Once I started admitting to my feelings, that shit came outta me like a damn faucet. But dude!!!! THE WILD PART RIGHT,

At the end of it all - I realized that at the core of my very fuckin being, it seems, I just want to be nice to them.

Like god, dude - I want to be so sweet with them. I want to be so fucking gentle and loving and Im DEFINITELY going insane BUT STILL

Why the fuck do these emotions make me want to be tender to this person? Somebody who will probably never be the same way for me?

I don't even know why. Is it because of what I feel about them? Is it the idea of them?

Or is it just, them? Ya know??

Cause I KNOW they're an asshole (most of the times anyways), I KNOW that they're a selfish prick who's too much of a baby bitch to handle direct confrontation EVER, and I KNOW that they hurt me. On purpose.

Look, I KNOW all of this about them. But still.

...I also know that they're gentle. Gentler than me, for sure; they're the sensitive type, I think. Ya know, empathetic? In a real way too - the type of person that can probably look into your soul and carry that same pain you feel in the moment that you're experiencing it. They reflect that onto the world, that pain, and that's why people resonate with them so much, I think.

They attract lonely people, because they're lonely themselves. And they know what it's like. People KNOW that they know what it's like. Anyone could see.

You know how fucking strong you have to be, to try to heal people while you're broken?

To take others pain into your own hands, and try to help others understand that shit?

At the cost of getting slandered, demeaned, and bullied? Do you know how much strength that takes?

And yeah - they deleted all their old shit because it hurt. Sometimes they deleted it because people thought it was insensitive to others pain (without the awareness that this 'insensitive thing' was made by someone who thought about shit like this on a daily basis. Somebody who lived through that same kinda pain); but that shit STILL didn't stop them from repeating the EXACT SAME THING afterwards.

Do you understand how strong you have to be, to do that??

Cause I for one didn't - I didn't fucking understand.

When I made my Embedded Systems channel, kinda following in their footsteps after I REALIZED that I could do something similar, in my own way - I didn't realize how painful being vulnerable could be. In any capacity, honestly.

And I got a few hate comments, of course. A certain number of people telling me I'm anmoying. A certain number of people just straight up telling me that I'm bad at music, or that what I make shouldn't even be 'considered music'.

Point is, I can't count how many times I just wanted to straight up quit. Just up and vanish, and let everything I worked for, simply disappear.

Once I got passed a certain point, the positives started outweighing the negatives - and I was able to get past my own insecurities surrounding what I made. My own place in the world, I guess.

But getting there... Getting there was kinda hell, honestly. And it's why I respect them as much as I do.

They get a lot of flack for being the way they are. They get so much hate BECAUSE they are quite literally, being themself.

'course, a lot of of the criticism is incredibly valid - but I've seen people say they want to "hunt them down" for shit they've done (simple stuff like deleting past works, nothing atrocious against others). They get a lot of threats in general, it seems.

It's sorta wild, honestly. It's also just straight up bullying imo, because having them as enemy number 1 is pretty much public opinion at this point. They're incredibly easy to pin blame on, because of who they are.

I really do think that them standing up for themselves and actually taking a firm stance on what they believe in; would help them, and the people who look up to them.

I think that if they actually admitted to their faults, and stood by the things that they KNOW they did right - that people would be kinder to them.

Because people still love them, as I still love them. People have seen their bad sides yeah - but most are also aware of the good.

And maybe I just want to believe that the world could become a bit kinder to them, and that they could become a bit kinder to themselves, in turn. Or maybe my all my friends are right, and they're just an irredeemable sort of asshole.

But I want to believe that people can be redeemed. I want to believe that they'll find the courage to fight. To stand up for themselves.

I know their strength, because I understand the depths of their pain.

Even if nobody else believes they can be redeemed; even if nobody else believes that they'll ever have the strength to try - I am GOING to believe in them.

I know this as a fact, because I haven't exactly stopped believing in it. And I don't think Im gonna stop. Not any time soon, at least.

They're the one person who taught me to be kind. I am GOING to be kind to them, even if they aren't gonna be kind to themselves.

... its kinda funny, what you realize when you're being honest, huh?

And this all started because I sent them a good morning text that they'll never even read. Hahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

I am the biggest love-struck fool ALIVE.

But ya know what? I don't think I'd ever have it any other way, honestly.

[himejoshiba]

Now, you may (fairly) wonder about the genetic component. And yes, you are doubtlessly unlucky when it comes to genetics, as it relates to your weight. My guess is however, that it functions sort of like gout. Gout is an absurdly painful swelling of the joints that is caused by the over-consumption of certain meats, especially organ meats. It was a disease that ravaged the upper classes europe for hundreds of years, and it's severity is directly tied to genetic factors, so some people presumably eat much more organ meat and get less gout, others eat even a little organ meat and quickly develop symptoms. My guess is that refined sugars have more or less the same effect, with some people being extremely sensitive to them. You could also try avoiding dairy, wheat, meats, or even potatoes, since you seem to hate them. But I would begin with taking a multivitamin and avoiding refined sugars, and if that doesn't seem to work you can begin examining other individual components of your diet and eliminating them as well, but remember the goal here is to find the culprit food causing your weight issues, so it may prove a methodical process of months and months, with potatoes being a solid possibility, since the starches in them are actually quite simple as far as sugars go. Rice as well, and there's always the possibility you have some kind of lactose intolerance or something similar. But as far as I'm concerned, if you can systematically eliminate sugars out of your diet and somehow not lose weight, well by god I suppose it ain't your fault, not really. But if you truly have the desire to be thin and healthy, you should "give it the ol' college try" and eliminate sugar out of your diet. Doing that cannot possibly hurt you, it just demands a degree of determination on your part. Unlike doing nonsense like binging and purging, which is something that will very likely cause you to develop serious health problems if you continue to do it, and may very well disrupt your ability to do the things you enjoy. So I advise you to continue to eat fruits and be patient, and if you don't like crackers, you don't have to eat them, maybe gluten intolerance is the cause of your problems. But the first thing to try eliminating is refined sugars, such as corn syrup.

i do think i have lactose intolerance tbh. and tbh im at a hard place rn where i dont really cook for myself or shop for myself so its hard to make good healthy low calorie and low sugar meals, but i have been skipping eating with my family most nights recently when they make like pasta or chicken nuggets and fries and instead ive been having mostly fruit. yesterday for my first meal of the day i had peanut butter on a tortilla (white bc it was all we had), greek yogurt, and apple slices. then for dinner i had a sandwich with avocado and lean turkey slices, white bread as well. not the best meals either time but great compared to what i normally eat.

i am still losing weight though!!!! i have lost 25 pounds in total since march 2024, the first 15 were all on my own and then the rest was after i started saxenda, which tbh i dont feel insecure about anymore because the saxenda has mostly just stopped me from feeling the need to binge and subsequently purge. its not magic its not cheating its just an appetite reducer and sometimes you just need to take the “edge” off of the urge to eat yourself sick tbh

[junepsycho]

there is some mundane joy in doing the dishes. just the music and me. no thoughts, no people, just me.

okay so we're doing this. ahhh. okay. i hate people. i hate her friends, my friends, family, random clg people, the professors, everyone. all of them. but i interact with them just fine. i treat them normally, sometimes even with kindness. and don't get me wrong here,it's not like the people are horrid or heinous or bad. it's me. I'm the insecure, selfish, begrudging, lazy and straight-up trashy loner. i can't stand it. i feel so different. like an outsider. like i haven't found my group yet. like Tyler and OF. where's my brockhampton? where's my pch. I'm just a grumpy old man in a 19 year old's body. I'm physically weak, academically below average, i look like somewhere between a horse and a monkey, honestly, i don't even know why you're still with me. I'm just. so tired of living. i don't even mean half the things i say here. I'm probably gonna wake up tomorrow, look at myself in the mirror and check myself out. I'm just so fucking annoyed. what's the real issue? what are you trying to say here? what happened? okay, okay. the real issue I'm poking at here is that, i don't like that I make everyone a threat. even the good ones. I'm so cautious. so scared. that they're going to hurt me. in the end, that's all this is about. you hurting me. people, you hurt me. that's why I hate yall. and yes I FUCKING KNOW THAT IM A SENSITIVE LITTLE BITCH BOY. but i can't change that about myself. trust me, I've tried. i can't help but be insecure about my looks or my skills or my relationship and the jealousy and the envy and the anxiety and the sadness it's all too much. it's too much

it's so much that I forget things. memories. events. colours, smells, talks, names. i try to sabotage my own relationship with my thoughts because i get so insecure. where is my self-confidence, my self-respect? i just know, i just know that tomorrow I'm going to be an immature prick. how patient will she be? how long before she realises that I'm not so different from the men she so rightfully hates? how long before my toxic masculinity meets the joyous little kid me and beats the shit out of him? for how long will i procrastinate? why did i have to live this life? this truly god-forsaken life of mine? why do I have the kind of person who complains and complains and complains all the time? I'm. so. tired. and even after reading all this I'm sure you'll find some stupid reason to blame yourself for this. this isn't about you. it's about me. it's always been about me. I'm obsessed with the way the world treats me. and the moment i get that kick I anticipated for, i cry and wonder why no one's helping me get up.

at least I know that the love is real though. i definitely love her and i show her that i love her but I'm a shitty guy. and i cause all the issues in the relationship. cuz that's what shitty men do. loving myself is another story. true love requires me to keep making mistakes and correcting them. not even the same ones, it's new every time.

wow. woke up to this (it got drafted). what is my purpose on this planet? to live? living is a pain. i want to, i need to find something that's worth all that pain. something that brings me the happiness I felt last night, while doing the dishes.