#im not even able to focus or anything
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Me on 15 mg Adderall: this isnt working, im doing the same shit still, the voices are still loud and proud.
Doc: okay, i don't wanna fill out extra paper work to split the meds, we'll give you 30, its common dw
Me, on 30: cant... stop... shaking
#my anxiety is so bad#like wtf is happening to me#im not even able to focus or anything#just shaking and shaking#hard to breathe almost?#like my lungs are quivering too#is this normal#literally so bad#im like the kid recording school fights rn#adhd
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[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]
Hitting a lil' too close to home?
#junie art post#ink sans#error sans#utmv#errorink#implied. but yea not the focus#this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even.#so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune.#in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word#we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more#isnt that very very interesting?#and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad#and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out#we put it away. abandon and leave it behind#what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us?#what of the ones left in the dark?#idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating#yea that never left me#and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH#imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse#mmmmmmm. darkner ink.....#also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life#but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant#but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss.#and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss)#these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao#ahhh my favorite idiots. never change#mmmmm#deltarune
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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hes been on my mind for like a week.
Benjamin Rabbit belongs to @janesbeloved he seems like such a sweetheart
#legitiamtely havent been able to focus on anything else. its not even a bad thing#im psychically sending him 80000 little treats and nice thoughts#hes so cutes and sweet<3#i love this creature..... the bneey /ref#grisping him gently like the second picture#hes just a lil guy
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why am i so interested in south american cultures and history. and why do i keep stopping myself from learning about them
#no cuz i have a fucking interest in it and its unexplainable idk where it came form#i literally live on a whole other continent way away from south america#i never been to anywhere in south america#i do not have a drop of latinx blood on me i have absolutely no connections to the damn place#but yet i am so interested in whatever the fuck incas aztecs and mayans were doin#about past history and current history#and current countries NOT TO MENTION THEYRE SOOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL GOD#i saw a vlog about brazil and never wanted to visit a country more in my life like holy shit#also i was obsessed with sottr mainly cuz of the focus on the latino civilizations#but from little research ive done it was quite stereotypical and blending the civilisation even tho theyre very different#but okay anyway#i HAVE the interest and yet i dont go let myself research ???? like i literally tell myself no????? no ill do that later ?????????#i have very poor memory retention okay so ig that makes me demotivated but STILLWOUWHABFJ#i remember watching some vids on the topics and trying to learn the damn differences BUT I REMEMBER FUCKING NOTHINGGGGGG#i can barely remember what i have learned in math last (4 weeks ago) like jesus cmon...................#i want to learn but i can barely remember anything FFLOR FUCKS SAKEEEKSGXVAJ#but still I dint think that's a reason for me denying myself and self sabotaging myself here ?????#i guess cuz im not taking it as much of a priority compared to the subjects im doing it + art + art history#which i also fucking suck at btw i am constantly trying to learn sm for art history and i remember. barely anything !!!#i remember i had to relearn the events and everything of ww2 like around 6-7 times and im not joking here#cuz i would not remember anything and now i remmeber it vaguely enough to be able to know some basic facts but no dates or smaller events#ok god my memory retention is shit i think i actually gotta be concerned about that shit#anyway i just wanted to rant except i have absolutely no information or facts to offer whatsoever#rumaiq rambles#writing this whislt listening to a Argentina 70s top playlist and there is absolutely no bad song. i love them all. and that is very rare#especially for me i am picky as fuck with my playlists and music#idk what the conclusion of this is i dont think there is one
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my health is getting worse, and i am disoriented and uncomfortable every single day. i need an MRI at some point to check for a possible stroke or other issue, aswell as some monitor for my heart and/or head for a bit. idk what theyll do really. but i cant even focus anymore. and its to the point that everything i eat triggers my health to get worse aswell. some days its so bad i cant even sleep.
so for the time being, commissions are closed. im sorry.
#to those who have also hit me up in the inbox or IM im sorry i dont post the donation posts its hard to tell whats vetted or not or spam#i know that zionists hijacked some of them and its heartbreaking to know that. and im not well worded as others are but#im gonna try to in the future if i can. ill still reblog what donation posts i can. again im sorry i havent. ive been very unwell#its hard to pretend im fine and able to talk about other things when im definitely not fine.#i dont know if im gonna die with this health problems and i cant even leave to go to the doctor easily.#no this is not me saying “my problems are worse” its irrelevant to what i said above.#this is just my personal thing im goign thru and that was just anotehr thing i thought id mention ive been neglectful about#and the reason ive been unable to focus on anything
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I dont think my therapist realises how special my special interest is
#'no i dont think youre autistic' i woke up feeling anxious in the middle of the night after already going to sleep at 9pm to prepare for#the eichi story#i dont think ive felt as excited for something maybe since the checkmate anime#thats scary! i love my spinterest even when im hyperfixated on other things but it really is all consuming when it gets to be#the focus of my attention#i do like that. i like that im able to be moved and react strongly to it again#i was scared when i was apathetic and unable to feel anything but sadness this summer#but my god let me sleep!!!#its for You im sleeping anyway. gahhh#you probably also have to thank my irl ive been talking to a lot about es and yesterday eichi in particular#but i made sure to not do anything particularly exciting before bed just so i could sleep well...
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been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again
#ganondoodles talks#pls nintendy#dont do this#it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything#but by god its put fear in my heart again#pls let totk be its own game#id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth#i hate that i feel like this#even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen#i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore#but no matter what i try i cant help it#its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it#and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted#plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started#the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts#as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it#and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people#i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore#im rambling on trying to calm myself down#sorry#gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over#;__;
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taking an extra half an amfexa before I leave work bc [redacted] (popular artist) is playing my city tn and I'll need it to cope with how awful the traffics gonna be when I'm on the bus 💀
#thinking of that post abt the customwr who tried to pay for smth with a piece of paper that said $40 voucher on it#and the guys coworkers being like how are u so calm? and the op is like i went to the break room and took an extra adderall#NOT TO MENTION PPL ACTUALLT GOING TO THE CONCERT ON MY BUS.....theyre gonna be soooo annoying 😭😭😭😭#but i wont care ill be listening to the katamari damacy ost and reading dorohedoro v10 peace and love on planet earth#i hope i get a seat at least#ALSO NINTENDO DIRECT WHEN I GET HOOOOME YAYY#.diaries#its fine cuz i didnt take a dose at lunch since i wasn't crashing anyway.. its only rly hitting me now#i didnt have anything to do at work this afternoon so didnt need to be able to focus.. someone from qc was using equipment i needed to#so i had to move it to another day. was nice tho i gave a coworker some of my leftover brownies n we took an extra half hour break >:)#and then went and complained abt [artist] to another coworker bc hes not a fan either LOL#very productive day 😇#im gonna need the focus to be able to call my mum tonight tho.. amfexa save me save me amfexa#and im gonna go to bed even earlier. i somehow got 7.5 hours last night which is a rarity for me but still felt knackered when i got up#maybe like 9:30 tn and hopefully it wont take longer than an hour for me to fall asleep and i can aim for 8hrs🤞
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#theres construction in the flat above mine and they started at 7:30 this morning im literally gonna have a meltdown#bc today im supposed to have a 1:1 with my boss and i was hoping to be able to say that im doing bad#but now im in the office bc i couldnt stand one more minute in the flat and i dont wanna cry on the phone in the office#but i probably will! bc i dont have any of the stuff i set up at home here so my back is now also killing me again!#and i still dont know what to even say like how do u say im crying all day every day and i cant focus on anything in a professional way
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please take as much time as you need to rest and recover. burn out is so hard and takes so much to heal from. your art and your supporters will still be here when you get back :) take care <3
Thank you very much
Unfortunately, my situation doesn't really allow me to take the time I need. I've got a ~two month hiatus scheduled for my midseason, but much like my first hiatus I'll most likely be working double time during it...
It's unfortunate because I could really really use a bigger break!
Having the time and flexibility to work on other projects really fires me up and keeps me going, and being able to take a guilt free day off for family and friends is necessary to my mental health, and I've been having to turn people down lately...
This is a very kind message, and I'm sorry to vent in response! But I just feel transparency about the pressure I'm under is necessary and important. I'd love to take the time I really need, but due to deadlines and that pesky "needing money to live" I can't.
But, once the series is over I intend to take a pretty big break before I start whatever I'm doing next! I've got so many short stories and projects planned that I want so badly to get to, I can't wait to really get to truly dive in to them!
#im so sorry to take a nice message and respond like this! but just... trust me haha i know my supporters are genuinely here for me <3#but webtoon... not so much unfortunately. i mean im sure i could take a longer break but theres the looming anxiety#that ill get in trouble or itll ruin my chances of working with them again etc etc#i took this week and i genuinely took it off. sort of? i flew to a convention which was exhausting#and i did paintings that i hope to print eventually#and i. started planning and prepping for a Kickstarter. for time and time again...#so ive still been working the whole time. but i love working!#i just... like to be able to work on things OTHER than time and time again...#and unfortunately for a few months. more than a few months. i haven't been able to do anything outside of it.#even all of my paintings have been for it cause i cant afford to switch my mindset!#my first hiatus i moved. worked on a pitch for my next series. and then i made two episodes a week the entire time#and i still ran out of episodes...#i dont know if im just not fast enough or if something is wrong with my brain that i have to fight to get it to focus but.#yeah i mean ive been burned out! been really burned out for like a year now#i can tell by how much better i feel after literally 1 week of doing anything else#and how tired i feel explaining this and knowing ive got another 3 months before i get another break#ok sorry i vented a lot more in the tags. it's hard to explain all of this eloquently and i like my posts to be somewhat professional#asks#anon#vent#delete later#and also how often my brain keeps wanting me to like. beg for 'nice words' from other people#(i always stop myself from asking people for compliments and stuff because otherwise i get very carried away and do it too regularly)#(people are very nice to me all the time. the kindness is endless and i need to let myself recognize and appreciate it rather than seek more#(its sort of a mental health thing I've been trying to like... force myself to do)#(for myself and my longevity but also for others sake lol. ive been bad about it in the past)
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i think the best way i can articulate why this episode is my favorite of the whole show so far is that it was so emotionally gratifying i don't even care about the pacing issues
#like there was a scene i thought could have been cut. and i felt like it went a tiny bit too fast in some areas.#i don't actually think fizz and blitz's relationship mending was rushed or forced but ik that's an unpopular opinion.#but like..... i am a WRITER. picking apart narratives and storytelling functions is literally what i do entirely#and it is a very good skill to be able to detach yourself from the technical meta and know when to just... allow yourself to be entertained#not to say you can't ever criticize writing; or the writing of this show specifically; because it CAN struggle#(i think s2e5 had some massive tonal/pacing issues that can't really be overlooked)#but there comes a point at which you can decide to cling to nitpicks and tear the show apart#or just. accept that its a silly low stakes comedy cartoon and focus on how it makes you FEEL instead#again like s2e5 is a good example i feel bc the writing was SO underwhelming that it was actively distracting from the story#but in s2e6 i was so emotionally invested and consistently entertained that i didn't even MIND the rushed scenes or anything#like. im banging pots and pans together does this make any sense. this show is meant to be entertaining first and foremost not#subject to rutheless criticism of the writing and technical development. learn to have fun with it and if its not fun you can leave!!!#mine#helluva boss#helluva boss oops#e: oops
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I've been fighting with my laptop for at least the past half year and I finally turned it in for repairs only to be told it's beyond hope at this point and can't be saved for a cost that would be worth it 😭😭😭 rip getting to draw frfr
#text#I miss drawing I wanna draw !!!!!!!#it took me so long to accept my laptop struggles were probably a part of why I couldnt get anything done and the moment I did#it all got worse rip...#I only Think I managed to back up my art files so wish me luck the computer place can save everything#the tragedy here is even more time without being able to draw but also. all the cute stickers that's on it....#Im home sick today suffering with no 'puter... no drawing no watching toku only reading books my head is too heavy to focus on#sad wet cat vibes are strong#I like traditional sketching and I like painting with water colours... but it's Different it's fun but it's not the same activity to me...
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I bring a sort of genuinely really struggling mentally vibe to the function that well adjusted people don't really like
#its so dark ⊹ ࣪ ˖#im really trying#like really really trying its so hard#im so stressed out i dont know whats wrong with me and i dont know ehat to do to fix it#no this isnt an excuse for some of the things I've said or done#but its an explanation#i dont know ehat i feel when i feel it i hate being autistic i hate being autistic#i hate being autistic#I HATE BEING MENTALLY ILL#I HATE THIS#i want to like things normally i want to focus on things that arent related to some stupid fucking game or tv show#i hate my hyperfixations#i hate idv i hate fionna and cake i hate tsp i fucking hate dsaf i hate literwture i hate writing and poetry i WANT TO LIKE IT NORMALLY#I WANT TO BE NORMAL#i want to get better#school just makes everything worse i eant to die i hate everyhting i like i hate hyperfixation i hate being autistic#not just autistic either its not only one thing its multiple#i fucking hate being bipolar i hate being so difficult#i hate having symptoms of cluster b disorders#worst part is i dont even know what disorders i have#i have symptoms from 3 of ghe 4 disorders in clusetr b#i hate not being able to feel empathy and i hate that i dont even know the reason behinf why#am i apathetic? is it one of the symptoms of my possible npd?? maybe my possible aspd??#or is it because i cant fUCKING CARE ABOUT ANYTHING IF IM NOT OBSESSED EITH IT#i want to understand myself#i literally just want to be neurotypical
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not to get deep on this lovely tuesday evening, but i wonder when exactly did everything go wrong
#like#what#i haven't been able to focus on anything in months#started with school work and the assistant gig and now it's even affecting my own interests#and that's literally the least of my problems#i have people around me - friends and family and a partner#and yeah fine most of them are quite a distance away#but when did i stop feeling loved?#when did i lose the feeling of being cared about?#last time i felt this alone was when i was about 13#and the thing is#i don't think i can do anything about it#and the thing is also that im about to be on my period and that's why all of this is pouring out#but it's always there i know it is#even when my feelings aren't as heightened as they are now#anyways#boo hoo everything is terrible#ignore me
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Find someone slightly annoying but in really small harmless ways so I decide none of the behaviours are worth bringing up with them → realizing: hey, Im also annoying! solidarity! → realizing we have a lot in common and starting to bond → finding out other people find this person annoying and are vocal about it behind their back → finding out this person has ADHD like me that's (at least one reason) why we have all these traits in common → fear.
#trying to be as vague as possible even tho this is someone I know offline and no one involved follows me online#on one level I get it that relying someone who is forgetful and does things slower/differently than you can be frustrating#but like its a medical condition. and u dont need to know someones medical info to have some empathy instead of assuming malice/incompetence#i just found out they have adhd today but day one i was able to go 'wow i did not like the way they handled that but i dont think they were#being hurtful/careless we just handle this task differently. rhey didnt do anything wrong and i can let this go and adjust my expectations'#not to say im perfect and never ableist towards others. my first reaction to seeing traits i dislike in myself (from my disabilities)#in others is often to get annoyed and needing to adjust my thinking#i get annoyed with myself when I cant focus / cant be coherent or concise / cant finish tasks quickly etc#→ get annoyed sometimes when I see others doing that → realize thats not fair to them → realize thats not fair to myself#→ assume good intentions and find ways to communicate/collaborate better with them → get along better and maybe make a new friend!#sorry i am rambling#idk its scary seeing someone being disliked for adhd symptoms/traits that im mostly doing a good job of managing/hiding in this#social environment so far and knowing that could happen to me in the future#but im also like ready to have this persons back#me 🤝 them: prioritizing the wrong tasks and overexplaining things and struglging to get our points across#and not noticing when we talk too loud and forgetting tasks halfway thru etc#not to be that guy but : without love it canmot be seen!!!!#lifes so much better if u just assume ppl arent doing things a certain way to be annoying + let go of / adapt to the thing that are annoying#but not harmful#thats not exactly what without love it cant be seen means but thats one of the ways i apply it in life#just like dont assume malice. assume u dont have all the info. approach ppl/situations with empathy.#or youll make yourself more miserable needlessly#again like only for shit that's not harmful obv#i need to shut up and go to bed
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