#i want to get better

[urlocalsadkid-l]

do i feel bad about how much i’m having for dinner? yes. should i feel bad? no. it’s my first meal of the day so i deserve to have what im having. four chicken tenders from my workplace, three eggs, and part of a brownie. i deserve to eat, i deserve food, i deserve to enjoy what i am having. i don’t deserve to eat only once a day, i don’t deserve to go hungry, i don’t deserve to not eat. i deserve food.

[sharkiepuppy]

Just want someone to cuddle with and be their good puppy without having my mental issues is that too much to ask? I don't think I'm allowed to be happy anymore, I wouldn't blame anyone I love if they left me

[delicadelittledoll]

❝ It is better to be unhappy and know the worst, than to be happy in a fool's paradise. ❞

— Fyodor Dostoievski

[charcharrealsmooth]

Lowkey fell back into an old ED for the past bit of time and I don't want it to be how it was back then, it sucked, so I'm gonna try to do more things with Aphrodite because that actually makes me happy, yeehaw

[miss-wizard]

can someone just take care of me please

[mrjohn2]

A lil messed up teto. I did the teto drawing during 6th period but did the name design at home like rn. I kinda just remembered she's a chimera and I think that's pretty cool >:) (Also, some guy caught me looking at teto and was like, "what girls were on that computer" and then I just showed him and he was chill with it :))

[the-ren-and-stimpy-fan-club]

My first ever animation!!! Enjoy!!!

[lovethisfatcryptid]

I guess I'm just the kind of person who cries with relief when completing a task. That's who I am now.

[garlicatthegrocery]

i don't want to hurt myself i don't know why i do

[hippiegoth97]

Ugh I've been sick on and off for like a week and have been getting a sore throat just today. Safe to say I haven't been getting much writing done, though I made a little progress yesterday as my body had given me a false sense of regaining decent health 🙃. I hate this. I mask, I barely leave the house, I wash my hands all the time, I clean my house and myself well, I don't spread my germs all over the place in public. What have I missed here?

[tyfinn]

Walking away from toxic mother update...

TW: Toxic parenting, walking away from family

I just feel the need to talk about what happened this week. For those who know, and for those who don't, this post is for me. I don't expect anyone to read it, and I'm not looking for validation or anything... More under the cut

So back in August, I had my last phone conversation with my mother, with whom I have had a very contentious relationship for years. Many years. And that particular August Sunday, I decided it was finally enough.

Two weeks later she tried contacting me on my wedding anniversary. I did not respond.

To be honest, I don't remember if she tried to get in touch with me after that. My sister did, telling me she is in the middle and wanted to know if I was really done, and she just needed to know so that she could tell our mother. She also wanted to know what she did that was so bad.

Here is the funny thing. I mentioned many times how we have the same argument all the time, nothing changes, and she has no interest in my life. I told my sister that for my mental health, I needed to walk away.

October: we are hit by 2 back to back hurricanes. My mother reached out, saying I don't have to talk to her, but let her know I was ok. I did.

Thanksgiving I received at least 3 FB messages. I did not read any of them.

Christmas Eve, I received a text from her while I was at work. I did not read it. On my way home, I called my best friend, who knows everything. I asked her what I should do. There were days the guilt would get to me, but then I thought back to every time I reached out, things still did not change. She suggested I block her. I had not done that yet.

So, on Christmas morning, I read through the messages. They started out angry, comparing me to my paternal grandmother, things I have heard before. And then she told me how she was not giving up on me, I am still her daughter. I pulled out my books on toxic parenting and read the chapter about walking away, and how sometimes that was the only solution. I tried having a "tea party" relationship. It does not work for me. I do not have time in my life for a superficial mother-daughter relationship. I do not want to spend time with people who do not want to get to know me.

I blocked her, and I have to tell you I had one of the best Christmases in years. I felt no guilt. I did not feel bad. I enjoyed the day.

Yesterday, my brother posted on FB aimed at me, but not mentioning me by name. He has also had a difficult relationship with our mother. It basically said, how our mother gave us life, we may not always get along or agree with each other, but the unconditional love will always be there. Also, that I may think my life is better without her, but in reality my life is sad and lonely. I have hurt her deeply.

Here's the thing. I have not felt love in years. My life is better without her. My life is far from sad and lonely. To quote Nick Nelson from Heartstopper Season 2 Episode 7: I like my life. I like who I am.

Also, from the same episode, this time from Charlie: I will not be ambushed into forgiving you.

Why does she find the need for me to respond now? I just can't.

I blocked my brother, sister, and other members from my family last night.

This morning, I received a text from my sister, needing to know what happened. I do not owe her an explanation. She feels stuck in the middle trying to fix this. She can't fix this, and I didn't ask her to. I responded I was at work, and I would respond this evening or tomorrow, but I really don't know what else I can say. She responded by saying she got her answer, and she is done.

I figured it would be a matter of time before my brother and sister would not want to talk to me anymore. I accepted that fact back in August.

I've said it before, as horrible as it sounds, I feel nothing towards them. We never had a "normal family dynamic."

It was not the way I wanted to end 2024, but I am happy to be starting 2025 on a clean slate.

I know, deep down, I have made the right decision to walk away. I have worked very hard figuring out who I am these last couple of years, and the people who have helped me the most (besides my husband) have been my found family because my real family has never been there.

It's okay to walk away. It's okay to look out for yourself. You do not need to stay in a situation that only hurts you. You do not need to surround yourself with people you have nothing in common with, just because you are family.

It's okay to walk away.

[delicadelittledoll]

❝ I have spent all my life resisting the desire to end it. ❞

— Frank Kafka

[mr-gentleman-scientistt]

I bring a sort of genuinely really struggling mentally vibe to the function that well adjusted people don't really like

[bi-prince]

how do i know which tense to use? Technically i KNOW what I've got to do but when im trying to fill in the blanks its like im rolling dice and the stakes are high

[d3llabell4xx]

[sheer-descent]

i hate being self aware!!! It’s actually the worst thing ever!!!

I hate watching myself become overrun with anger and with hate, and project so much on to my loved ones, and then lash out at them.

I hate that I know I overexplaining does nothing but make things worse, and then still doing it aways.

I hate that I never know when to stop, when to give up. Because all I’ve ever been taught is to keep going and persevere, but that mindset damages all my non-work relationships.

I hate that I can’t ever seem to get myself out of these moments of fire and anger until it’s already been done.

I hate that no matter how much I try to make amends, there’s always a crack in me that causes an oil leak, so when I feel the tiny match burning, it becomes a massive house fire.

I hate that I keep trying to get better, and I just keep falling into the same cycles, and I don’t know how to get out.

I hate seeing myself do these things when I know I shouldn’t.

I want to get better, but I don’t know how. And it’s so hard.