#im living in fear rn
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
the fact that these mfs are gonna pop up probably while i'm at work some time this week is absolutely devastating.
#im living in fear rn#im gonna embarrass myself publicly#i do not need to see endo and takiishi in my notifs on my lunch break like i will go walk into traffic.#venus talks
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
Lighter is a giant cuddle bug and I must unleash this truth onto people
He’s all tough and cool outside
then when he gets home he immediately jumps in his so’s arms, head in their chest and they’re playing with his hair
something about the warmth of his beloved’s embrace feels completely different to what he’s used to with normal fire.
also i like to believe that he HATESS getting his hair ruffled by the rest of the sons of calydon (mainly caesar but burnice absolutely CANNOT touch his hair as she has burned the tips off a couple of times) but when he’s with you, it’s almost like he’s already tilting his head down, expecting you to run your fingers through his hair.
he’s like the soggiest dog coded person when you don’t take the hint though. he tries to play it cool too but after much time passes by (2 minutes actually), he’s slouchily making his way to you and his shades are low on his nose bridge. you remove it and he’s just the saddest puppy dog while trying to find your hands.
#lumiresponds ˚✧₊⁎☆#lighter zzz#lighter lorenz#I LOVE THIS !! i love writing and thinking about my faves#im in my lighter brainrot moment rn but aughsgskdh i write him like the rest of my men#i have the most obvious type I HATE ITT /s#anyways i cant wait for more lighter content cuz i fear my hcs can only last me so long#live laugh love lighter <3
84 notes
·
View notes
Note
what if doomed yaoi danced under sparkling chandeliers in a ballroom filled with people they dont know. what if they looked in each others eyes and saw the rotting corpses of the lover that they murdered but they kept on dancing
.
#confessions#ship: scarian#screenshot is on light mode bcs im on a school chromebook rn lol#every time i do this i live in fear of accidentally joining an ask to an unrelated ask#forgive me if i ever do#i forgor to check timestamps on this one before queueing + deleting...
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
Honestly, having good days like this is good for me mentally. Because not only does it put my usual struggles into perspective, forcing me to accept that I have a tendency to severely downplay just how much they impede me... but it also gives me perspective about my self perceived laziness.
Like, the fact that I become almost abnormally productive and energetic compared even to abled people the very instant that my pain and all of the other issues are all gone? I'm not lazy! And I know logically that teachers telling me that over and over growing up was wrong, but it still shocks me in new ways to this day just how deeply ingrained this perception of myself is.
Like, is it laziness? Or am I just averse to doing things that will physically punish me? Today reminded me that it's very much the latter.
#and its not even an overcompensation thing#i am genuinely ambitious and energetic by nature! in fact i think thats part of why i still manage to do some things#im also optimistic at heart because im always excited to try new things and dont really fear failure or being bad at it#i guess persistent is another fitting word#ALL THAT TO SAY today is most likely what i would be like all the time if i wasnt ill!#and so i once more ask myself: in what world could 'lazy' ever be remotely true#its strange how vindicated i feel rn but its so like#idk ive been so down this whole year but recently theres been a major turnaround mentally#i cant explain it but i feel like theres a new level of self acceptance after today#that its not all in my head and that im not making a bigger deal out of my issues than is valid#because if i were anywhere near healthy i would live like today EVERY day without even thinking about it#silvi talks
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
being able to drive really will improve my life tons I need to get on that. Living here wouldn't be so hurts if I could take day trips out of town by myself every once in a while
#talkys#i. dont know if ive decided on doing this yet#but maybe if im able to drive to the point of driving out of town#ill make hrt appt (all clinics are like 2 hrs away) and start T while living here.#it will be very scary and risky.#but i don't think itd be smart to make my life 10000x harder by trying to move out solely so i can go on T.#my biggest fear rn is my parents are always looking for something to be wrong with me so i fear theyd find#a way to get the medical info out of me. and theyd obviously notice the changes. but idk. idk#im not going to be able to move out anytime soon. and im so tired. im only getting older. i dont want to be older w.o it.
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
am i going to single-handedly create a fandom about jay holt from the video game "as dusk falls"? i just fuckin might
#i Cant stop thinking about him. ive literally been dreaming about him. i Need to help him. please#hes just a fuckin kid!!! (18?? 19??) hes a TEEN and his family is FUCKED and its not his FAULT#none of this was his fault. he deserves so much fuckin BETTER#also i thought i didnt care about vanessa but then shes got dead brother trauma hi hello hiiiiii#and now jay does too#fuck my LIFE#ive never been one for self-inserts but actually me jay and vanessa hang out regularly in a tree house we built#we laugh and shoot the shit and talk about what losing our brothers have done/are doing to our psyche#as dusk falls#jay holt#vanessa dorland#new hyperfix u say ? this one will be brief hopefully. bc the game is fucking. unfinished. stupid ass cliffhanger ass bjtch ass#plus im rewriting canon so jay has a good young life. no timeskip for MEEE#maria is literally just rambling. hi#.txt#the only fic ive ever written/outlined was about alana bloom from nbc's hannibal & she Deserved a rewrite#but maybe i need to indulge in writing jay holt's better reality TOO#theres a quote. hang on. a quote from a beloved piece of media. why cant i recall what its from rn#but theyre talking about different timelines n shish and one of them says ''maybe this *is* your best reality'' and its SO sad. fuck#is it hannibal. i feel like its always hanniba#no but also i feel like its not???#its like ''this is your best life. youre not getting a better one''#what the eff is that. im gonna be stuck on this forever#EDIT: IT IS FROM FUCKING HANNIBAL. BUT ITS GODDAMN FREDRICK CHILTON OF ALL PEOPLE WHO SAYS IT#''The optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true.#This is your best possible world Will. Not getting a better one''#fucking CHRIST chilton#lines that go HARD
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
I hate having a bias now how do you people live like this life is PAIN WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY IN MY HEAD BRO I DIDNT THINK THINGS WOULD CHANGE THIS MUCH PLEASE I WANNE GO BACK CUZ WHY AM I SCROLLING THROUGH PINTREST CRYING AT A COMPLETELY NORMAL PHOTO THIS CANT BE HEALTHY??
#asher 🌑 speaks#i was so much happier when I was Ot8#like#what is tjis#back then#i could love everyone and life was happy#now its just YUNHO and when I look at another idol im rwminded he has jealousy issues (CONFIRMED BTW)#like i might aswell just?? die??#seriously how did you people live like this for so long#see this is why I was scared to pick a bias AND THEN THIS MF FORCED ME INTO THIS CODEPENDENT TOXIC ASS RELATIONSHIP#im that one meme of the grandma on the fence acreaming “let me out!”#only i dont rlly qnane ho out tbh this is lovely#also my best friend hating my bias is so us tbh#like yes king#anyway can you guys rell im in the mood to yapp??#i fear this is why im single#and the fact that I may be aromantic#but thats not our main concern rn
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh
#i. have gone through the full spectrum of human emotions today methinks (not including joy or happiness or any of the like.. naturally)#i am so exhausted and feeling deeply deeply fucking hopeless#ive spent so much of my life feeling miserable and hopeless but holy fucking shit none of that even remotely came close to the amount#of sheer hopelessness and despair that im feeling today#gneuinely. at a loss for ways to make myself or anyone else feel better#like. well at least we're alive! bitch i dont think i want to be anymore. and furthermore for a LOT of people NOT FOR MUCH LONGER probably#at least we have friends/family/community! yes and that means i have that many more people to be absolutely terrified for on top of myself#we've been through this once we can do it again! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING THROUGH#JESUS CHRIST LIKE#by the time the next election comes i will be 27#meaning i will have spent the majority of my teens AND 20s fearing this stupid fucking man and his stupid fucking morally bankrupt follower#im so sick#im so tired#i have to stay alive but for what??? for climate change to make everything exponentially worse in the next 10-15 years??#for society and humanity as we know it to AT the very LEAST begin to collapse in front of my very eyes??#anyway.#like... i just...#thank god i have ppl in my life rn who care about me bc they are essentially singlehandedly keeping me alive at this point#at the end of all of it even though i can do this song and dance all day and be like "whats the point of living? why shouldnt i k myself#and the answer is that the people i love would be sad. the people i love love me too and they would never be the same.#and especially with how much a lot of them have done for me. i owe it to them to at least Try to give myself the best shot i can#us politics#election 2024#kamala harris#2024 election#uspol
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i need to get a job….
#augh. ive been saying this ever since i left/got fired without actually getting fired from my first job last year#i dont have living expenses i have to cover myself yet but#in the next couple years i wont be able to stay on my parents insurance#and im gonna be honest i donate more to mutual aid stuff than is probably good for my savings#because i find it hard to justify Not doing so if i have my living expenses covered and im seeing people who urgently need help with theirs#but i know even if im lucky and privileged to have family support i am gonna need my own savings eventually#so having at least some income so i can keep contributing small amounts to people while#also putting a bit more in savings that would be awesome#but i really need to get better at handling my road fears to bike more places#and also probably need to get some clothes that are in better condition and fit me better than most of my wardrobe rn…
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
something we have discussed is how dennis was the only one who could understand mac and that's great but can we also discuss how it must feel for mac that no one can understand him
this seems to be accentuated by how off he keeps being about things (offering of war/dennis being shot being "awesome"/being unable to read subtext both with dennis ["figure of speech"] and donald) and how much he's looking for a sense of meaning that he used to find in his identity until s15 made him realize how pointless it was (in a way that reminds me of his crisis in goes to hell 2...), but legacy, history, money and prizes are worth nothing if your heart is not in it.
and in a way I think dennis is coming to the same conclusion which is why he's the only one who can understand mac.
dennis "you're just being honest about how you feel" reynolds, so concerned with authenticity and upset by the perceived lies when it's just his own denial making it that way. that's building the biggest lie of all.
if we're looking for the Point, then the point is to have fun and embrace feelings. Big Mo already showed this.
it's interesting to me how it seems that mac and dennis are working off of each other in the way sunny works as a whole. because if mac is the structure and the text, and dennis is the subtext and the jokes (it's how he's trying to communicate in inflates but it's also the whole reason he comes with mac in madbu), they kinda NEED to be working together for the show to work... they need to find their harmonies, they can't just one or the other lead, they gotta have each other's back.
and also like, a small coda. this season deals so much with nostalgia vs how the past really was, there's so many flashbacks.
becoming aware of denial and reality can feel really upsetting but ultimately it's a positive development.
if "the hair is a lie" chopping off the head isn't the answer, that was the old way of doing things (in times of war... murder, betrayal, beheadings... "we figured out what works a long time ago"), but now we're looking for peace. basically, death isn't the answer. building your legacy doesn't have to be like pulling teeth. "this doesn't have to be a scam"
it's a good thing if we start seeing things for what they actually are, because it means less denial.
#iasip#s16 spoilers#it's always sunny in philadelphia#always sunny#macdennis#analysis#meta#i have decided that for my own mental health im not gonna do indepth meta until the season is over#by in depth i mean making extra sure i dont sound rambly as hell#i still want to make an extra post on charlie i have stuff to say about HIM but they closed soap so i cant screenshot shit#kms fr#the tldr is that charlie represents rcg's frustrations and fears to me pretty consistently since s14#it's why a lot of his jokes have become ''thats actually not funny'' and ''this is so annoying'' or “can we just start?''#and why he wants the status quo and laments that he ''wants his life to be simple and doesn't wanna live in a maze''#and a lot more.....#sorry for metaposting do you still think im cool#i reread ''my thoughts on the first 2 eps'' and i basically already said all i think. except for this charlie thing#dare i say this season has a theme of truth? it's too early to say#but to have the meaning theme hit right after the identity one is crazy because its... LITERALLY WHAT RCG WENT THRU WITH SUNNY#anyway both mac and dennis are the jumper... theyre holding two big piles of darkness called denial rn#find yourself in him....#it's 6am if this doesnt make sense thats why. but it does to me#big mo really was the key....
39 notes
·
View notes
Text
finished “yellowface”. goddamn that was a ride… highly highly recommend if you like villain protagonists
#i didnt mention it as much but i liked all the stuff with the publishing industry in this and feeling like a fraud as a creative#except june is like. actually a fraud. but still#but it did resonate with me as someone whos recently realized he doesnt want to be a big name author and get too deep in the industry#like. the fear of never being known and dying without leaving an impact. bc books are a way to immortalize yourself#and the stress of wanting to be a big name even though you dont have the chops for it#and i still want to write. i love it. but i dont think i want to do it for a living yknow? and thats a heartwrenching thing to accept rn#bc its something i wanted for the longest time but i dont think my adhd will allow it for me anymore#ik none of this is the real point of the novel and obviously my experience is very different. bc im quitting before im even starting really#and im obviously not plagiarizing dead poc#but yeah i think junes a really well written villain protagonist bc her motivations are born from extreme insecurity from the industry#who cant see that poc have it even harder than her in the industry#because of tokenism and fetishism#because shes gotta be the ultimate victim#i really hope it hasnt come across like im complaining about the character or the book when i post passages#bc like yeah june fucking sucks ass. but shes SUPPOSED to suck ass. its the point. youre rooting for her downfall#and i think shes a great example of a villain protagonist like major props for kuang bc that shit is HARD to do#and a lot of the stuff it has to say about white women victimhood is great#because its the core of junes character and it defines EVERYTHING she does and really shows how insidious it all is#echoed voice
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm going to be honest i have no idea what i'm going to do. i messed up my choices for higher education and now i have barely a couple days to pick between a cursus way too difficult for me, a highly specialized cursus with shit outcomes, and a leap of faith into whatever kind of gap year alternative can get me out of my parents' hair for the time being. note how i have no fucking idea what that alternative could be, or what path i'd like to take ideally. fun.
#yeah yeah i know happens to everyone#anyway im. not happy abt the future outcomes rn#on one hand i know if i never choose the path of challenges i'm never gonna get anywhere#on the other hand my mental health is always a dumpster fire and i'm honestly not sure what's the way to fix it#if i have to waste my parents money being their vaguely adequate enough lapdog six more months i'm going to spontaneously die i think#but education costs money and takes efforts and i dont know what to do#i don't know what's my goal#i don't like anything anymore. i don't have any particular skills. i suck at anything actually useful.#please just assign me anything that needs to be done and pay me a living wage#i just don't want to choose#the only thing i think i'd feel alright doing is healthcare but. yknow. huge phobia of anatomy. not a science type.#and the crippling fear of inadequacy doing anything not the EXACT way it's meant to be done#i couldn't switch mid-year i just couldn't i don't fucking want to live that kind of feeling again#broadcasting my misery#vent
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think I’m always going to be running and trying to find the next thing that will make me happy and it will always be something I have to find within myself. So that’s cool.
#escape tag on the mind. thinking about getting up north and the joys of the road and then realizing I would have to start my life there. I#would still have to settle down somewhere and have a home#guy who wants to leave constantly and not be found but cant shut up and loves to leave evidence of themselves everywhere#love covering things in stickers love writing my name on park benches love leaving my mark on the world#but also. get me out of here and I need to get somewhere where the world feels bigger than my bedroom#cause Florida feels so suffocating rn like I have no where to go no where to be me to be happy to have friends to have fun#I feel so trapped in my room and my room feels so monotonous#idk what to do to change it cause im avoiding being miserable and the fear of failure is eating me alive so im not taking any hard chances#to move forward and it makes me want to throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my mom randomly brought up sending me up north with like a six month budget plan or whatever and now idk if I should be looking for a job#that hard or not and idk what I’m doing and it’s freaking me out and I want to run away from everything#but I also would do fucking anything to be near my friends rn to feel like I can breathe when I go outside to be up north would fix so much#of my shit going on rn and even if it didn’t magically make me happy it would be so much easier for me to set roots (even temporarily) andi#can live month to month up there my mom pressures me so hard to have long term plans and it’s not what I need rn at all I need to focus on#short term shit and not get anxious about the big picture but my mom cannot shut up about the big picture and future steps and all this shit#and idk what’s real and what’s hypothetical plans and it’s so annoying and frustrating and I want to get my shit together but I also don’t#bc the world seems miserable but god I would so much rather be miserable up north with Millie near me than be miserable in the heat w my mom
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the nero and airi connection is so important it's not just bcs theyre my faves
#sylhea talks maydare#i swear i made a post abt this somewhere but rn im remembering why them meeting and talking was may fav chapter it's so so important#like look theyre both- in a way- 'taken in' by kanon. kanon chose airi to be the saviour while kanon saved nero bcs he's essential#airi got kanon's 'hero' while nero got kanon's 'king'. one of them feared kanon while the other admires him#and yet kanon is their saviour. he took them away from a world that is cruel to them. yet airi and nero have different circumstances#oh my god wait there's more similarities than i thought#both of them were taken just after their important people had died and in a vulnerable state#airi back thwn had a childish (not meant to be /neg) mind while nero in the past was just a child#both are given a responsibility and both accepted them in different ways. while airi was in the delusion she's the 'protagonist' of maydare#nero understood what his purpose and what he's supposed to do. but also both of them wanted something they desire. they wanted 'peace'.#both of them wanted to be in a world where they can live freely. airi wanted to live the most of her delusions while nero wanted to live#the most of his life as a normal student. different but to its core they only wanted peace and be themselves freely.#and in the end both of them understood that they have to act their role in order to achieve that peace in this worl. they know they had to#face forward and fight.#IT'S THIS LONG AND IM NOT EVEN GETTING INTO WHAT MADE ME START THIS 😭 atp their parallels is the main focus here#so all of those and there's more. makia. their connection to makia.#nero is a friend of makia while airi is a friend of kazuha. and the people who knew about makia's past.#i'm guessing nero only knew makia's past life as the scarlet witch and dont know about her other past life#while airi only knew about makia's past as kazuha and didn't know about her being a reincarnation of scarlet witch#nero talking to airi about makia was also very important bcs yes makia already slapped airi into reality and makia was able to do it#bcs not only is she born and raised in maydare she also have memories of the other world. nero who is PURELY from this world and donxt know#about the other world helped airi accept that this IS an actual world. makia ACTUALLY lived in this world and she learned that from nero.#lmao i know that wasnt the intention bcs the intention was nero saying all that so there's proof makia really is the reincarnation of makia#but i'm already this far bro nero who's purely from maydare that came to know of the other world from someone else#and airi who is purely from the other world and isekai'd by someone else to maydare#it's so fascinating#god when this chapter comes to manga im hoping ppl dont immediately ship them#bcs to be honest i dont think airi is interested in men at all and nero is interested in romance in general#plus nero is 16 y/o while airi is 20 y/o so there's that LMAO#it's so insane to me how much damage airi actually had her experiences was actually REALLY traumatic
9 notes
·
View notes