#im just gonna kill myself idk. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fagoutboy · 2 years ago

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i think i need to make peace with the fact i am not a creative person

#i feel like every creative endeavor i try to take on just fails miserably every time #im deeply unsatisfied with my art; its very static and im not good at multiple things and can only draw the same shit over and over #my writing has been shit lately too not to mention i have zero writing ideas anyway #had the most embarrassing audition of my life tonight trying out for a show with my drag club and failed it horribly (for the 3rd time)#im so fucking bad at performance im too stiff and jagged and im not funny i cant make jokes to save my life i have no stage presence #like i think i just am not destined to do anything in the arts. which is jarring as someone who kind of barely had a rep for being #'artsy' as a kid (but not even. bc other kids were better than me and had more well-liked art and so on so forth)#im just gonna kill myself idk.#txt

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xxplastic-cubexx · 1 month ago

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personal happiness or what the fuck ever

bonus:

#xmen #xmen comics #cherik #charles xavier #erik lehnsherr #professor x #magneto #jeans here too but ssh #snap sketches #i havent posted anything in what feels like forever and i GUESS i have to remind people i do draw sometimes. whatever.#aka in my brain i have at LEAST a five-page doujin where this gets incredibly nsft but i dont have TIME for that these days do i #so for now we get just. these scribbles. ill be able to make something exemplary again someday i swear <- optimistic #i think im going to close my comms off for the rest of december once i get through the batch i have now #which ... doesnt sound hard since the amount i have will probably take me to the end of december anyway 💀#i just need everyone to believe me i have better visions for yaoifying issue 309 .... the opportunity is right there...#like wdym the dream sequence is gon end on a panel of erik's eyes as he reinforces the idea charles needs happiness like scott and jean's..#call up your ex. right now charles.#what got me peeved about this issue is i have no idea what color eriks outfit could be vjaeLVKEJARK its like.#is he wearing a lab coat over a suit .... i think thats the intention ... or maybe it is a trench coat....#idk shit for me to figure out if i ever get the time to explore this thing again #LIKE UGH IM SCREAMING i have Such Visions that i dont have time to execute and theyre killing me #maybe ill just write them down idfk <- trying to write fanfiction ends even worse for me than trying to draw #anyways. im gonna drive myself mad good night everyone #i have to go to a christmas party tomorrow night. later tonight. whatever.#BYE

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starry-bi-sky · 2 months ago

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pouring one out for luo binghe in my disciple SQQ fic, poor guy has taken a backseat here. we're nearly 30k words deep and he hasn't even shown his face once. it'll be much longer before he even actually talks to Shen Qingqiu.

(i say im pouring one out but in reality im sitting in my director's chair chewing on a cigar and wearing a beret as he tearily and unsuccessfully pleads with me for more scenes with Shen Qingqiu)

#svsss #disciple shen yuan #scum villain #shen qingqiu #shen yuan #SQQ: building his found family on QJP and Plotting #LBH: idk off sniffing rocks somewhere while on one of his protagonist adventures #i say im pouring one out for him but in reality im laughing at him. sorry my guy you are just NOT my priority. be a better peak lord #tell your disciples to stop with the institutionalized peak hierarchy and the internal political intrigue and MAYBE we'll talk #oh he cant hear me he's wearing airpods. welp. *stares at LQG and YQY* more SQQ time for you then!#its funny because i do love bingqiu i just decided to write a fic exploring a roleswap concept i saw where LBH wasnt a good peak lord #and the concept itself didnt explore what consequences might occur if LBH was as inactive a PL as LQG was before redeeming him #like if BZP can go lord of the flies while unsupervised what happens if you leave QJP the same way?? political court intrigue and sabotage #being the protagonist and going on many adventures is great and all.... if you aren't tied down with the responsibilities of a peak lord.#binghe. binghe. binghe. binghe. your head disciple has instated a hierarchy on your peak and routinely sabotages the cultivation of the #junior disciples by actively disrupting their learning by sending them off to do menial chores that should be distributed equally across #the peak. binghe. he's gonna get someone killed. binghe. BINGHE. you're inadvertently creating a generation of cultivators who harbor #resentment against you specifically bc you failed to care and protect them as their shizun. BINGHE. DO YOU HEAR ME? BINGHE #oop. i guess not. SQQ time to organize a covert resistance group. i mean a secret study group that also doubles as an organization dedicate #to ruining Li Tao's reputation and standing amongst the rest of the sect. by boys! have fun storming the castle!#tldr unsweetened lemonade is: 'i force SQQ into a position of no power where keeping his head down is not an option bc neither the system #+ nor his surrounding peakmates will let him fade into the BG. and there's no LBH around for him to wifebeam into the Fave Disciple spot'#its also a 'SY and SJ are the same person' fic bc i love the trope and having a disciple SY where he's also SJ is such a specific niche #that i'll just have to write it myself in order to see it. im having a blast with it. im gonna give him SO much found family.#liushen and yueshen(? qijiu?) are fighting for 1st while poor bingqiu is trying to claw its way out of 3rd with minimal success #good fucking luck babe you gotta fight SQQ's seven evil disciples first. THEN you gotta fight Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan.#and then you gotta fight me. romance isnt even in the cards for this fic they're fighting for the SUBTEXT.#roll for disadvantge binghe

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normalenjoyer-png · 5 months ago

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aauaguagahahgghhhh i keep thinking of situations to put them in

#old stan idgaf it's for the greater good vs young stan i'm fucking terrified but it's for my brother #normal art #gravity falls #relativity falls #i'm going to Fucking Kill Myself about this #WAIT SORRY THIS GETS LIKE 1 MILLION TIMES SADDER.#stan who just wants his brother back but by getting rid of bill he'll forget his brother........#< idk if im actually gonna use that but im tearing up thinking about it

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warlenys · 1 year ago

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house was suicidal but he was also scared of dying. when he chose to die for wilson, wilson solved his fear by allowing him to die not out of hatred or misery but out of love. house didn’t die to escape pain. he died to be happy. he didn’t kill himself for the reasons he’d always wanted to kill himself for. so like. he found a way to stop being suicidal but it meant he had to kill himself. he found a way to stop being afraid of death but it meant he had to die. wilson solved house’s suicidal ideation and his fear of dying by giving him the option to die for someone else. and with someone else. he wasn’t gonna be in pain in his life anymore. and he wasn’t gonna be alone and empty in his afterlife. but he had to die for it. just when he found something worth living for

#ok this has been in my drafts for idk how long forgot i wrote it it’s 1am just came across it and im gonna kill myself #past me. fuck you #ok i just added the last line i might be even worse than past me #house md #hilson #+#suicide mention

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pilonciillo · 1 month ago

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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety

#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works #why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being #released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy #last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get #panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the #parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to #steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out #all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone #spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli #telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s #nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank #track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the #business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and #video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me #FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s #not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m #much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel #safe #OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she #got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like #that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s #crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull #shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to #mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told #me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check #key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS #allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no #consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way

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gelarshiesprofruitboarder · 19 days ago

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how the fuck am i doing better on TWITTER than on here. that place sucks ass why is this happening to meeeeeee

#i mean. not much better. but its better than zero notes so.#if tiktok gets banned I'm killing myself ive gotten too used to a constant stream of at least a little validation that im good at something #its by far my biggest platform if i lose that idk what im gonna do #ok side tangent over #my head hurts. ow #though its only my bnt posts that get like shit interaction. which does suck cause its what i like doing the most usually. but.#“oh but you shoudlnt care about interactions just do what you like” im tryinggggggg #jello shut up challenge

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bandsandwristbands · 2 months ago

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Vent post

#ignore me lol #vent post #I am feeling extremely angry and frustrated and alienated #like of course I'm demotivated when I point out injustice and literally everyone just shrugs at me and tells me to get over it #“what are we gonna do about it”#put any thought into it whatsoever for starters #idk I want to give up #the same bitches that tell me not to kill myself are the same ones to vote my rights away #I hate living #I don't even get validation from participating in fan content anymore #im just anxious and feeling rejected all the time #except for like five very specific moots on here #but then I feel like a fucking failure for not knowing how to socialize or show them that I care without being weird and ugh #idk i'm tired #I feel like I put all this energy into making myself acceptable for everyone else and I go out of my way to be positive and compassionate #and then I get fuckall in return #post election blues ig #here's hoping I don't end up under a bridge #I think I would be a vastly different (better) person if everyone around me wasn't a bunch of complacent #selfish #wet blankets.#I'm getting really tired of being treated like I'm crazy for expecting better.#I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to hear that I need to get over it or that everything will be fine #it doesn't help or mean anything #things just get harder and harder and I'm just waiting around #I'm so srs if you read this far don't try to tell me nice things #im in an evil caustic mood and I will just continue pouring negativity in return

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lordofthesoups · 2 days ago

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If i had a nickel for the amount of times ive given my favourite character a hairstyle and then a few months later got a haircut and obtained their hair without realising, i would have two nickels.

Which isnt a lot but strange its happened twice

#Idk what im gonna do with these nickels #harlequin gray or pigeons do you want them?#i gave myself kaynes haircut and only realised a few hours after #help #I even have the flippy bit out the front pretty much #i wanted to keep my stupid curtains #now #now i have this #i love it #i just belatedly realised what i had done #time to kill all other versions of me ig??

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b4kuch1n · 10 months ago

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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

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xxplastic-cubexx · 3 days ago

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In your professional educated psychology opinion. why is cherik Like That

i cannot give a Professional educated psychological opinion until at least may but as far as i can tell queer people cant be normal bout anything so thats why theyre like that

#snap chats #if i wanted to tbh i prob could do a Genuine Overview of Why Theyre Like That from a character study standpoint #not like the series aint givin me crumbs ...... obligatory 309 mention Do We Get Why Thats My Favorite Issue Now #its literally charles being his own therapist with erik as his mouthpiece. weird ass psychosexual episode like my god #this what i mean when i say queer people cant be normal cause whats that for...#idc if you explained it to me as erik being the embodiment of everything charles hates about himself #see now i wanna reread it but i left the issue at my moms !!!!!! im going back tomorrow for the weekend at least... i can read it then...#im still standing in astoundment...#and when charles said he became obsessive with finding other mutants after meeting erik #oh girl your break up was MESSY messy .... dare i say rebound era ...#charles you cant fill the void like that ......#anyway im gonna be sick now that im thinking of Iconic Cherik Things again i have made myself sick thinking of them #fym your feelings for erik was stronger than falling in love Kill Yourself PLEASE #ok ill stop. ill go now.#ask me this question again like four months idk im not a doctor and i never will be #should i go clinical just so i can pull a lorna and remind everyone of my phd every other day #very funny in theory but too expensive of a joke i fear and while i love a good joke My God.

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mushed-kid · 2 months ago

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.

#vent #tw suicide #tw sh #kinda #i hate hate hate having bad days #for no reason nothing happened nothings wrong i just suck #i just want to ruin everything with everyone i know and then kill myself #i wish i could stab myself to death #i Should be studying and i want to watch voltron but i cant stop just wasting my time on my phone #i want to rip myself open and bleed to death violently #actually remembered to cut my nails this morning so i cant even do anythign. they dont even cut into my palm at this length.#and anything else is too much effort im a low-effort self harmer💀#ugh i would actually love to die lowkey kinda idk but i live by this one thing i read #‘if my depression wants be dead its gonna have to kill me itself’#im not doing noones dirtywork #me when healing isnt linear #i should be over all of these things i have been over all of these things why am i so bothered again #chronic cant move on-er #i wish i could disappear #i think i took a hit i cant come back from #like mentally/emotionally #well several hits #i wish someone liked me #like really liked me. the way i like people. more thsn they like anyone else #im not good enough on my own i meed somelne to hang onto #human parasite #something something everything ive ever let go of has claw marks on it #ive never not ruined something

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hiraethwrote · 4 months ago

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don’t mind me, just going to queue up some amazing fics while i sulk a little about not participating in kinktober 🥲

#— yap central #tw vent #now im just gonna ramble a little in tags bc it’s basically my diary #i am fully aware that this is 110 a ‘me’ problem but that doesn’t stop me from going into a sad spiral ✌🏻😗#i am very excited to read all my friends kinktober fics and i will devour them all MARK MY WORDS #idk i just find myself a little upset by the fact that im not participating #firstly i am NOT confident in my smut writing abilities #secondly the few times I have done it it just really killed my motivation to write #found it boring and v repetitive #but there’s something about seeing so many people participate #so many talented writers all gathering #creating super creative ideas and concepts and GOSH PEOPLE ARE AO TALENTED #AAAAND the state is the fandom right now is very smut centred #which is absolutely no problem i mean i read and reblog smut all the time #it’s just a little rough yk #comparison really is the devil #idk been a rough day at work and im just tired I suppose #ANYWAY I WILL DEVOUR ALL THE KINKTOBER FICS #YOURE ALL CRAZY GOOD AND I ADMIRE YOU ALL

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rapidhighway · 5 months ago

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Hnngg

#im so stressed ughhhhh #this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN #like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house #and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo #also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other #i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever #it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend #with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know #it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly #i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh #i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't #especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr #uhh like comment and subscribe #vent #i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since #everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is #but it's really stressing me out #idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore #and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really #feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..

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kinos-fortress-2 · 1 year ago

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ok before i continue to do the other 11 stickers... still not sure what you guys think about this...

the theme for the stickers was just like how i explained in my other post, just ugly beheaded heads of the tf2 characters... im just planning to do 14 stickers because hell nah that idead of making all tf2 characters was crazy from my part (still 14 is more insane ha)

and well... uhuh.

oh yeah

DONT REBLOG THANKS.

#when i mean dont reblog is bc hell dont even know if i want to change this designs later #but im gonna leave it open JUST FOR ME TO REBLOG IT if i ever make any announcement about this #this couldve been an idea for halloween tho...#you know this was inspired by those halloween ugly stickers i have found somewhere and well... i like to do this type of style #so idk if i should continue this style buak #also im not sure if i should color this or not... if i should then thats gonna be more difficult buak #i am doing too much to myself i cant finish everything i have... is too much ideas im gonna explode #i just want to draw everything my brain thinks so instead of killing myself drawing i have to write the ideas in my note pad so i dont forg #i feel like a hermit drawing too much sighs... i should take a break is too much ideas #but if i do i will end in an artblock and im afraid of that #sorry ranting over here ha #just lemme know if you do like it or nah still

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lilowoof · 5 months ago

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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone #you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run #my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point #the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer #why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up #what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation #and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other #that might be fun #also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING #but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion #but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha #ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog #one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art #gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free #ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-

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