#im just gonna kill myself idk.
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr was acquired by Yahoo for $1.1B in 2013.
Text
i think i need to make peace with the fact i am not a creative person
#i feel like every creative endeavor i try to take on just fails miserably every time#im deeply unsatisfied with my art; its very static and im not good at multiple things and can only draw the same shit over and over#my writing has been shit lately too not to mention i have zero writing ideas anyway#had the most embarrassing audition of my life tonight trying out for a show with my drag club and failed it horribly (for the 3rd time)#im so fucking bad at performance im too stiff and jagged and im not funny i cant make jokes to save my life i have no stage presence#like i think i just am not destined to do anything in the arts. which is jarring as someone who kind of barely had a rep for being#'artsy' as a kid (but not even. bc other kids were better than me and had more well-liked art and so on so forth)#im just gonna kill myself idk.#txt
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
aauaguagahahgghhhh i keep thinking of situations to put them in
#old stan idgaf it's for the greater good vs young stan i'm fucking terrified but it's for my brother#normal art#gravity falls#relativity falls#i'm going to Fucking Kill Myself about this#WAIT SORRY THIS GETS LIKE 1 MILLION TIMES SADDER.#stan who just wants his brother back but by getting rid of bill he'll forget his brother........#< idk if im actually gonna use that but im tearing up thinking about it
97 notes
·
View notes
Text
house was suicidal but he was also scared of dying. when he chose to die for wilson, wilson solved his fear by allowing him to die not out of hatred or misery but out of love. house didn’t die to escape pain. he died to be happy. he didn’t kill himself for the reasons he’d always wanted to kill himself for. so like. he found a way to stop being suicidal but it meant he had to kill himself. he found a way to stop being afraid of death but it meant he had to die. wilson solved house’s suicidal ideation and his fear of dying by giving him the option to die for someone else. and with someone else. he wasn’t gonna be in pain in his life anymore. and he wasn’t gonna be alone and empty in his afterlife. but he had to die for it. just when he found something worth living for
#ok this has been in my drafts for idk how long forgot i wrote it it’s 1am just came across it and im gonna kill myself#past me. fuck you#ok i just added the last line i might be even worse than past me#house md#hilson#+#suicide mention
166 notes
·
View notes
Text
ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back
it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it
#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly#i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep#bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking#and i dont want either of them to get poisoned#but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink#but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me#and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin#im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently#what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry#except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything#sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible#if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way#from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted#i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders#they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there#but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside#so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with#no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk#im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
don’t mind me, just going to queue up some amazing fics while i sulk a little about not participating in kinktober 🥲
#— yap central#tw vent#now im just gonna ramble a little in tags bc it’s basically my diary#i am fully aware that this is 110 a ‘me’ problem but that doesn’t stop me from going into a sad spiral ✌🏻😗#i am very excited to read all my friends kinktober fics and i will devour them all MARK MY WORDS#idk i just find myself a little upset by the fact that im not participating#firstly i am NOT confident in my smut writing abilities#secondly the few times I have done it it just really killed my motivation to write#found it boring and v repetitive#but there’s something about seeing so many people participate#so many talented writers all gathering#creating super creative ideas and concepts and GOSH PEOPLE ARE AO TALENTED#AAAAND the state is the fandom right now is very smut centred#which is absolutely no problem i mean i read and reblog smut all the time#it’s just a little rough yk#comparison really is the devil#idk been a rough day at work and im just tired I suppose#ANYWAY I WILL DEVOUR ALL THE KINKTOBER FICS#YOURE ALL CRAZY GOOD AND I ADMIRE YOU ALL
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hnngg
#im so stressed ughhhhh#this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN#like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house#and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo#also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other#i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever#it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend#with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know#it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly#i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh#i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't#especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr#uhh like comment and subscribe#vent#i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since#everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is#but it's really stressing me out#idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore#and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really#feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok before i continue to do the other 11 stickers... still not sure what you guys think about this...
the theme for the stickers was just like how i explained in my other post, just ugly beheaded heads of the tf2 characters... im just planning to do 14 stickers because hell nah that idead of making all tf2 characters was crazy from my part (still 14 is more insane ha)
and well... uhuh.
oh yeah
DONT REBLOG THANKS.
#when i mean dont reblog is bc hell dont even know if i want to change this designs later#but im gonna leave it open JUST FOR ME TO REBLOG IT if i ever make any announcement about this#this couldve been an idea for halloween tho...#you know this was inspired by those halloween ugly stickers i have found somewhere and well... i like to do this type of style#so idk if i should continue this style buak#also im not sure if i should color this or not... if i should then thats gonna be more difficult buak#i am doing too much to myself i cant finish everything i have... is too much ideas im gonna explode#i just want to draw everything my brain thinks so instead of killing myself drawing i have to write the ideas in my note pad so i dont forg#i feel like a hermit drawing too much sighs... i should take a break is too much ideas#but if i do i will end in an artblock and im afraid of that#sorry ranting over here ha#just lemme know if you do like it or nah still
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's like the thoughts saw me all worn out by being sick and decided this is the time to move in. so many possibilities. so many ways i could kill myself. not going to though
#not today#nor am i actively planning to kill myself at any point#there's a style of discord status i use when im seriously considering suicide and i realised the other day that it's consistent when i took#it down#(did i mention i was extremely close to committing suicide last thursday? talked myself out of it though)#idk why im saying this#tw suicide#ignore me#truly though im fine#a part of me is tempted to simply present to emergency instead of turning up to my exam on monday idk#or maybe i just do the exam and hope im with it enough to pass. maybe kill myself after. as a treat#no no i joke#i really shouldn't joke about this stuff tho sorry#just ignore me#i dont want to die i just want things to be different#and i rlly want to stop seeing all medical professionals but thats currently not possible unless i just. cancel everything. hide out in my#house. whatever.#which im not gonna do rn#it's too late for this lolol#im just staying up for another like. half hour. before it's not Too Early to go to bed. i am so tired
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH. IM AT MY WITS END I CANT DO IT!!!!!!
#No context vent idont want to say details i just eant to kms bro this shit sucks ASS JUST SHUT UPPPP IM GONNA RIP MY HAIR OUT#LIKEEEE STOPPP PLEASE I DONT WANT TO TALK I WILL KILL MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU#I JUST NEED TO MAKE IT TO MONDAY BRO😭😭IDK IF I CAN DO IT#Like its making me so fucking mad im trying to not to be a dick but holy hell how can i not#i need to be run over with a car#like i actually cannot get through this#why is this shit the hardest thing ive ever dealt with its so fuckin stupid bro😭😭😭😭
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just wanna remind everyone that it's NEVER okay to tell someone to die.
You don't know how hard they're fighting to stay alive every day. Or if they don't even want to fight for that any more.
#i hate that i let that get to me lmao just ruined my fucking day ive been sitting here sobbing for like an hour#i cant tell anyone just how much i dont even want to try any more bc i dont see the point#medical issues and mental issues dont pair well and i dunno if im even gonna be able to survive the next flare up#i dont need fandom spaces telling me to die when im already telling myself that every fucking day#also why does my age always get brought up lmao i didnt choose to be born 30 years ago stop telling me im old#my body has been telling me im old since age 11 you dont know what ive fucking been thru#30 was just a formality and serves as another reminder of how ill never meet societys expectations for a 30yo lmao#my point is. you should try showing a little more kindness if telling someone to die comes so easily#ive literally never once told anyone to die in my life. you just dont fucking go there. what if they kill themself right after that?#can you live knowing they did so on your command?#i couldnt#thats just like beyond fucked up#anyway im gonna go try and stop crying#ill prob stay off tumblr today idk i feel real sick lol#delete later / /#i hate that i cant exist as myself either in person (too queer and closeted in a rural area) or online (too queer and weird ships)#anyway
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
can someone remind me to write up my thoughts about gallagher and the enigmata later or at least compile them somewhere i want to share it but also my Goodness i am sleepy as heck today and i have work tonight 😔
#and its a saturday so its gonna be busy asldfjkasdlkah#im just. im so sleepy man#and i have to wake up early too for work tomorrow so i just. Im going to Die between today and tomorrow count on it#but at least on monday-wednesday ill make myself catch up on sleep#love the work but on the downside MY SLEEP.....#i forgot if i said it here. idk where i was posting bro#but the other day i 100% the theme park and am close to 100% dewlight pavilion so i'll be nearly caught up with all information#that + still need to read#but im also nearly caught up with all the reading in penacony too so thats super fun and exciting !!#but because of that i have thoughts askjdfalh#most of it is towards gallagher and the past of penacony and the watchmaker but. you know alskdjfalskjh#avil plays hsr#hsr 2.1 spoilers#just in case o7#i will say though#its wild i havent run into any information regarding the dreammaster at all really#the one who adopted sunday and robin#who is the dreammaster? why does the dreammaster and watchmaker have beef with each other? whats going on?#where did the shift come from between the watchmaker being the father of penacony to the family being in charge#since the family and the watchmaker are kinda against each other#(shakes the game) I WILL KNOW YOUR SECRETS SOON ENOUGH. AS SOON AS I AM MORE AWAKE ITS OVER FOR YOU.#i wish i had someone to ramble about ideas with and like bounce off of#WE CAN SOLVE THE MYSTERIES OF PENACONY! TOGETHER!#and then probably get our asses killed too by getting to close to the legacy 😔✌🏼 itd be the way of the truth
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW
#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG#(yes i know its the depression. whatever.)#i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either#and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!!#I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely#and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just#im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired#whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die#pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss#idk what this post is about#tbd
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#god i was so giddy today (or well i guess yesterday. its almost 2am JDJFJFJF)#i was waitin all day for him to finish work so i could message him n he messaged me in seconds... triple texted NDNDJDJDNDNDMDMDN#god hes so cute. im so !@@@@@ i like him so much. like ..... !!!!!!!!!!!!#he makes me so happy idk how to explain. i just !!!!!!@@ like him so !!!!@@ much !!!!#why do i deprive myself of him 😭😭😭😭😭#but i mean we did talk for 2 hours straight in person a few weeks ago. not much you can like. converse about after that JDJDJDJDJDJDJ#:')))))))))#maybe i'll let myself be a lil hopeful.... 🥺🥺🥺#personal#also omg i think i figured out why he was so combative??? when i saw him last#i think it was bc of our mutual friend...........#n e way HDNDNDNDNDN#so maybe thats why he was like that. bc with me.... sure we tease each other but hes not like....... out for the kill idk JDJDJDNDNNDNDND#hes so sweet.... like not in an obvious way but like NDNNDMDDMD IDK.#we'll put it this way....#when ppl ask him for help... he tells them to google it#meanwhile hes explaining stuff to me in detail; going up to the teacher n asking questions for me; getting up out of his seat n#looking for a plug for me JFJDJDJDD LIKE ?????#hes also so polite... thanks ppl... holds the door for ppl. god hes so......#if he's like....... the guy im gonna be with for the rest of my life... o i'll be so happy BDJZNZNNZNZNZNZNZ#THIS IS SO SAPPY GOD.#if u saw the messages you'd be like literally what are you giddy over HFJDJDJJDJDJDJD AND THATS OKAY#hes just some guy.... love that about him the most.....
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
12 notes
·
View notes