#im just doing whatever its 10 am and i cant bring myself to do any of my homework

[rapidhighway]

his looks>>>>>

[desire-mona]

can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.

[angelstrawbabie420]

in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.

[stovetoast]

pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)

ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)

and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy

and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(

anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.

for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.

i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).

that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.

i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.

and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.

when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.

or maybe shes just silly idk

[gayspock]

ehr

its also crazy how i manage to suck at everything sometimes i think every time i try i jsut get worse and ifeel just like dogshit because it seems to be everything, no matter what i do. and i think its funny when ppl say you just need to keep at it, or they try to help me and then they see me =actually making a god honest attempt at something for like even for 10 seconds and theres this instant burning anger, annoyance and frustration at how much im cocking it all up. and if i mention this will happen to them,apparently im stupid and overdramatic and insane andyet every single time it happens without fail. smiley emoji. i wish i could just do something and its not like i have to be anything brilliant i wish i could do something and just get some satisfaction or some feel some kind of relief or like wow i did a good job for once but i dont have enjoyment for anyhting any more and even if i can manage to feel some of it i jsut get overwhelmed with frustration and upset or someone brings me back down to reality and its jsut mortifying and humiliating all at once . and i wish it didnt have to be like that and again and again its one of those things "youre being too sensitive you're being x y z you have to fail at first" its like i feel myself fucking start to just lose it because god!!! god do i FUCKING. KNOW. THAT. whatever like okay i wont get mad whatever its like i know that i fucking know that i have to keep trying ive been told that for the past 20 fucking years or whatever just itsjsut too much to fucking get through any more. when its everything, all the fucking time, over and over and voer again. no matter how hard i try. and its always just a game of diminishing return, where its just activelyt making me so fucking miseranle and its just when everything else in life is so fucking lacking and youre so fucking alone. i feel so fucking pathetic at it that i keep having towork so much harder and spend so much more time and energy just to fucking find myself in mediocrity and have to consider that a win and. like i cant fucking find the strength of conviction or whateer to have to repeatedly eat dogshit and i keep thinking abouthow thats even worse to everyone that i am the failure the giver upper does anytone feel a bit nuts sometimes. forgive the childishnessbut i fuckgin hate being alive so fucking much i fucking hate havingto do it all and do i t all alone and cry alone and be msierable alone and the second you cant take it any mroe youre just a fucking loser and a failure and a quitter and theres this just fucking feeling of jsut like. youre so not fucking worth it. do youknow what i mean. i keep thinking abotu how you just have to keep doing it for fuckingforever and not have anyone fucking there and to do what to do fucking what to prove whatto people who dont reallycare when the reality is if i fucking end it nwo im going to be so fukcing happy finally and like even if i didnt . i dont fucking know man you know that fucking disco elysium quote . sorry THIS is cringe . "but i dont want to getmy shit together" (any more) (because i cant fucking do it and i dont have it in me any more to keep trying to do it because it gwets me nowhere and theres no one to care etc. etc. like) "and then the world will leave you behind" and i jsut feel like crying because i feel like i was left behindso much fucking longer ago even when i did try and i dont know what difference its ever going to make when theonly help you ever get is deadends thrown at you and ineffective services that dont work and at the end oftheday even when you give it everything you have its never enough and noobyd wants you still and you still go into the Real World and nobodys ever going to have patience orlove for you or care and youre still so miserable and fucking even more exhausted haivng achieved fucking what . i dont fucking know any mre . IS ANYONE CRAZY.

[effyoudumbler]

Notes written while I was going insane, 10

Ohhhh

I see

I am irrational

…

Is it not weird

However is it so?

I think I see how

I am distracted

Too oftenly to form a change in my mind

I see

However can i be irrational

When I KNOW I am false?

If I know I am wrong

Why then do I not… yknow

Make decisions based on facts and reality

Instead of on what I know is wrong?

…

Well

I dont like the reality

There ya have it, am I right?

No

[Redacted] 

We are in private here

Tell the truth

Nobody will hear it

Fine

The answer is I am not exactly sure, what I feel. I feel weird. I want, things. But, I cannot have those things, I do not have those things, to put an understatement on it.

That’s, well, its not really a problem. A problem has a start and end. This is confusion. I am not exactly sure, not where it stopped making sense

But

When what makes sense to me, is now not reality anymore

What can I do

I see backwards in time

I see backwards in time

I am fine in the past

I am correct about things

Now I am not

But

I do not see where it stopped being correct

In fact

It still feels correct

I suppose

I never really understood it, hadnt I

I guess it was never correct after all

Only semi approximately correct

I didnt understand anythinf

How else could it be

That all of a sudden

Nothing makes sense

I feel weird

I am starving, my body, it yearns and it aches

But its way too anxious, and scared

I cant figure out what to do

I am held back by nothing, empty air

[Redacted] 

How can I do anything, I am me, I only exist because these problems exist to make me

Problems dont

Problems do not solve themselves

God damn it

[Redacted] 

Damn it

[Redacted] 

I should jump off a building

I go into these, stupors, these fugues

I avoid pain

I dont want to live

[Redacted] 

I dont want to live alone

But my body craves only to be alone

Well

Then I should just kill myself

I will bring my body its ultimate wish

Is it not so?

Well

I’m fine alone, if I… I don’t know

[Redacted] 

It isnt that I crave to be alone

Its that I crave to escape that awful feeling of being around other people

[Redacted] 

My brain does not make any sense

Why

Its just a horrible feeling

Not any different from pain

True

But pain is whatever

[Redacted] 

And I dont WANT MORE PEOPLE

I WANT LESS PEOPLE

…

[Redacted] 

Making it worse and making it worse

Why do I care

I can unleash my pain onto others to relieve myself

[Redacted] 

[Redacted] 

[Redacted] 

Even more pain

Even more

[Redacted] 

Ughhhhhh

[Redacted] 

[Redacted] 

I…

I dont know anymore!!!!!

Too many moving parts goddamnit

Goddamnit goddamnit goddamnit

ARGHHH

…

And I trust no one, too.

Constant pain

Or constant loneliness

Ouch

Im not sure which is worse

Really

I would be angry all the time

Yep

Well

If I was drunk I wouldnt be angry

Or maybe if I was high

Hm

…

Or painkillers

Once I didnt want to depend on drugs

Now I dont even want to live

So who cares what I do

I’ll die alone anyway, regardless of anything I do

Yeah…

Yeah…

I dont have hope

In being rewarded

Whats the point

[Redacted] 

Its all superficial, small, messed up, imperfect, wrong, incomplete

I’m alone

Even around others

They dont see me

I wish I was dead

Why dont I just kill myself

That sounds funner, better, right?

I dont see any solution

Well

I see 1

If I took like

A bunch of dopamine, or whatever

Right

…

I guess…?

[Redacted] 

Nobody sees me

And likely nobody ever will

…

…

So why live at all

I dont want to eat

I give up

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[catspinach]

list of ways i have made my life 1000x easier (as a mentally ill dumbass lmfao hi)

these are probably mostly very obvious and u might have a lot of them buuuuut these are recent accommodations for me and they made me able to function so i thought id share. i just bought a new used monitor on marketplace so thats what prompted this lol

nobodys gonna read this lmfao

2 trash cans in my bedroom! 1 by my bed for when I’m sitting in bed, 1 by my desk for when I’m working at my desk (optional 3rd near door just in case)- this stopped me from just throwing trash on my floor when I cant bring myself to pick my shit up lol

2 laundry baskets! one for worn clothes that aren’t quite dirty yet, one for dirty clothes (both of them easily accessible with no opening closet doors/barriers)- I’ve pretty much stopped throwing all my clothes on the floor and now i’m physically capable of doing my laundry

an extra monitor! I have a larger monitor I just hooked up to my laptop to use dual screens- I just did this and I’m super pumped!! very easy to set up and u can use basically any cheap monitor/tv/etc as long as u have the right cords. Now I can have my online textbooks on my larger monitor (to accommodate to my shit vision lol) while still having assignments open on my laptop. man i wish i did this sooner its rly baller, just for school this is super nice bc online textbooks are so much cheaper than paper but theyre just so fucking annoying to deal w switching tabs

beeper thing idfk. Key finder? stick that shit to your phone, keys, water bottle, remote, whatever u lose often, place the beepers part somewhere in plain sight where u wont touch it (like a hook by your door)-  its literally impossible to lose my keys, i am never 20min late to work anymore due to desperately trying to find my gd keys

hooks by ur door! this ones obvious and common but i put hooks on my bedroom wall and put my glasses/beeper thing whatever/keys on it immediately as i enter my room- the beeper thing is mostly as a backup for my keys bc i rly have an issue with those but I haven’t lost my glasses in so fucking long!! easy/cheap 3M hooks 10/10 recommend

lamp!! already have a ceiling light? put a lamp in ur room too, directly next to ur bed- i would be too lazy to turn off my light before bed so id literally sit on my phone for fucking hours despite being exhausted. now i keep my ceiling light off in the evening and just turn on the lamp and I dont even have to get up its so nice ahhh

alarm clock! (not on your phone) keep it by your workspace, use the alarm for timing tasks- Once i touch my phone i cant get off of it, its really a problem. Also once i start a task i dont stop and thats also sometimes a problem if i have a ton of other shit to work on as well. set alarms to interrupt hyperfocusing on tasks without having to look at your phone and completely stop being productive

shower chair! i dont have one and I dont have a physical disability but i want one so fucking bad- sometimes standing in the shower is hard, especially after a long work day or if ur hungover lmfao. now u dont have to sit on the cold floor like a fucking goblin while u shower, plus it makes washing ur feet easier lol and if anything happens where u actually genuinely need it it’s right there!

a billion water bowls for your pets! of all sizes, just put them all over- ngl i kinda suck at remembering to refill my cats water, but one of them is bound to be filled at a given time. plus it like enriches them or smth bc they have ~options~

a bin for dishes! put that shit in ur bedroom and take it downstairs once a week or so- no more dishes scattered around every surface in ur room! theyre all conveniently in one spot for u to bring to your kitchen when the bin is full

more stuff that doesnt rly fit the format idk im getting tired:

dump the tea u let get cold/water/plant-safe beverages in ur plants soil and now they have ~nutrishune~ also then u can just put ur cup in the bin i mentioned earlier without liquid spilling everywhere and possibly molding

have incense- sometimes my room is smelly bc sometimes im smelly im sorry im disgusting but smoke masks up odors rly well so nobody notices haha epic pogs

get a text to speech extension for ur browser to make it easier to read articles and actually comprehend what ur reading

have a billion pillows. pillows are nice.

have several sets of bedsheets/pillow cases so u dont have to sleep on a bare mattress if u forget to do laundry lol- also if u have a period keep it dark/patterned, and if u have pets keep it a similar color to their shed so its less noticeable

man just buy disposable masks theyre so much easier if u have glasses, ik theyre not ideal for the environment but im not abt to suffer with foggy lenses all day. i take a mask or 2 to bring home every time i see free ones at store entrances so i dont even buy them. plus u dont have to wash them u can just chuck em after a few uses

basically what im getting at is don’t conform to societies standards of living if there's other options that work better for you

[thetierdslytherin]

fun in games (mftl noah x mc)

basiclly a rewrite of how ava’s party should’ve gone  theres like one cuss word and mentions of consent

1.5k words

Masons lips on mine. I expected to feel a spark or fireworks going off like how kisses are described in movies but instead I feel...nothing.Actually that's not entirely true I feel angry and shocked and disgusted as soon as I realize what's happening I pull back but the damage is done. at least three kids have their phones out recording it, Lauren being one of them.Oh god Ava I just kissed her boyfriend, well he kissed me but I don't think who kissed who will matter much to Ava.I look over at Noah and see a look of betrayal cross his face before he returns his features to neutral yet again. “Ex-excuse me I need to go'' Mason manages to get out before running out of the living room and not a second later I follow. I'm not entirely sure at this point, my bodies moving on auto pilot. I shove past the other party goers and out onto the back porch where I manage to catch up to mason. “stop Mason you can't just run away. What about Ava?”  

           “What about her? We don't have to tell her about the kiss better yet i'll tell her it's my fault!” At one point I might've found this endearing, him willing to take all the blame like that but not now not anymore. If i'm being honest I'm actually really angry at his answer. He purposely dropped the card and kissed me while he had a girlfriend-my best friend. He took my first kiss something that I held dear and had hoped to one day share with someone who cared about me not at a highschool party, especially not with someone in a relationship.I force him to look at me as I say 

“No mason that's not good enough anymore we're gonna go tell ava right now and we're gonna tell her the truth”

He lets out a humorless chuckle “oh yea y/n and what's ‘the truth’?”

“That you kissed me without my consent knowing your girlfriend passed out upstairs. What were you even thinking?” he doesn't get a chance to respond, just after I finish saying that Ava storms out albeit still slightly tipsy but I bet seeing that video sobered her right up. 

“What the hell!” I open up my mouth to try to explain. Explain that this is just a huge mess and i'll spend the rest of however long it takes to make this up to her but she holds up one finger to my face and to my surprise faces Mason “what did you think you were doing in there?”

“C’mon Ava we were just playing a game and I accidentally dropped the card that's all” where did taking the blame go Mason?

“Mason listen here and listen good cause i'm only gonna say this once. I saw the video you kissed y/n. She didn't kiss you, she actually pushed you off of her. I don't need you to explain to me why you did it. I personally don't care. You cheated on me and hurt my best friend. So we are over. Don't try to talk to me or even contact me in any way in fact go head and delete my number-I have nothing left to say'' And just like that everyone is stunned into silence I don't think anyone could have seen it going that way. Ava is notoriously possessive with all of her boyfriends and for her to actually call one of her boyfriends out is unheard of.Without another word Mason storms out of her backyard and to what I can only assume is his car.

“Alright folks show over” this time it's Noah who spoke for the first time since this whole ordeal and by the tone of his voice he isn't joking and everyone seems to see that as they all scamper away. I try to take with Ava but she interrupts me for a second time “ I know you didn't want to kiss him and you would never do anything like this but it still hurts y/n i-I need some time to process everything we can talk tomorrow” She leaves me standing here alone try to process everything that's happened in the last 10 minutes. 

I don’t notice Noah coming up beside me until he’s gently touching my shoulder saying “hey y/n let's get out of here, let me take you home”He motions to all the other guests leaving. I'm surprised by how gentle his tone is especially after I kissed Mason. I don't know much about what happened between them but I do know that whatever it was was enough to make them hate one another.

“Yeah lets get out of here” He guides me to his motorcycle another thing i'm grateful for I don't think I could make it to his motorcycle by myself. It seems that all my emotions have caught up with me and I just feel disgusting “Hey Noah can you actually not take me home I don't care where we go i'm just not ready to be alone yet” He doesn't seem surprised by my request almost like he was waiting for me to ask. Nodding immediately mounting on his motorcycle I follow his lead and rest my head on his back wrapping my arms tightly around him. Something about Noah makes me feel safe. I can't help but to compare it to how Mason used to make me feel, he held a big part of my heart for so long but i'm ready to let go of that. I don't ask where we're going because as cliche as it sounds I don't care as long as I'm with Noah so I just close my eyes and enjoy the cool breeze on my face. 

We drove for 10 minutes before arriving and when I get off the motorcycle I see were at an area overlooking the small town its breathtaking and I cant believe i’ve never been up here before “whoa Noah how'd you find this place?” he shrugs but when he sees that i'm not gonna let it go release “well growing up my dad wasn't around and neither was my older brother so I always felt like I had to be the man of the house and one day-freshman year it got to be too much so I just drove around not really going anywhere and I just ended up here and now whenever I feel alone or helpless I go here it helps put thing in perspective. You're actually the first person i've ever brought here” his words have a deeper meaning your the first person i've trusted enough to bring here but he doesn't have to say it we both know the deeper meaning behind his words “im happy that you chose to bring me here noah i really am” 

“So about tonight-” “no i-i'm sorry I really can't deal with it all right now noah but just know I don't like mason” I like you “and i'm here with you tonight so please just help me forget” he solemnly nods before beginning to talk.

      We talk about anything and everything I learn about his sisters and mother who he absolutely adores, that he hates kiwi, and that he has a stick and poke skull on his ankle. He learns about my father and his expectations and that I actually really enjoy cheer just wish I wasn't pressured as much and that he and my sister would get along very well. We talked for around two hours but it didn't feel like more than thirty minutes, being in his presence just makes time fly like that but as all good things must come to an end I have to ask Noah to take me home so I can be there before my dad gets home.

       When we get to my house he walks me to my front door seeing as no one is home 

“Thank you for tonight Noah”thank you for making me forget

“Of course y/n anytime” i will always be there for you

it's crazy how a guy i’ve known for a week seems to know me better than anyone else. And then it's like we're gravitating towards each other and when our lips are inches apart he pauses, a way to let me know it's ok to stop here but I lean in closing the gap between our lips. The spark, the fireworks, it's everything that you hear in the movies it takes my breath away the perfect first kiss except it's not my first kiss but that thought can bother me not when Noah’s lips are on mine hes gentle allowing me to control the pace I open my mouth to let him depean the kiss his hands moving from my hips and reluctantly pulling away “goodnight y/n” and just like that he's walking to his motorcycle driving away.goodnight Noah

[silvanable]

Match-Up : Ikemen Sengoku

@nad-zeta

Hi there love! I hope you are doing well! Can i please request a ikemen sengoku matchup. ^0^

❤🥰 i am a aries, infp, Hufflepuff female 🦊 i am shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, i like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating. I will definitely be the person making jokes at inappropriate times and something about inappropriate things (its one of my coping mechanisms) 😂 I love my friends and family and will fight anyone how threatens them, although when it comes to me you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly cant stand up for myself). I swear like a sailor although i am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.

i love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life (it is one of my coping mechanisms and has helped me slowly overcome an eating disorder)😂

i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery, i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), romcoms, and  sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato. I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken time

I tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 My face will give away what i am thinking. i enjoy my own alone time and i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein), i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure.  I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).

I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.

🙈 Thanx so much dear ❤ Sorry if this is TMI🔥Cant wait to see who i get matched with 🌈🎀

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

oh chica, i absolutely adore you just by this description.

i definitely had a fun time sorting out who i think would best compliment your personality & it was most certainly a tough one to settle on but in the end there must only be one~

i  hope you enjoy it!

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

↪  GUIDELINES

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

ー SHINGEN TAKEDA : TIGER OF KAI

after long debate i can see you and shingen as being a very favorable pair.

for starters, while you might not believe it you do have some very parallel personality traits (especially those based on your star signs!!).

you both have a rather optimistic disposition and a value for honest because shingen has never lied he just avoids answering questions.

additionally, you are both very difficult to get to know, as you have a tendency to bottle up your true feelings or are too shy and reserve to open up.

besides you being a beautiful woman, that would intrigue shingen even more. he wants to know why lies behind that quiet & guarded mask, to see what’s in your mind.

your dark humor & self-deprecating jokes would certainly concern him at first, especially because a “goddess such as you should never doubt yourself”.

i feel like what you said on being awkward around the menfolk would make you somewhat resistant to his flirt.

and by resistant i mean you turn red in a full blown blush and completely withdraw on yourself. you’d be lucky to get out a thank you or might completely bat the compliment off with a snarky comment ( and we’re on the inappropriately timed jokes too! ).

everything he learns about you is something new and surprising & he would be absolutely enthralled with you.

you’re a chef from your time? he’d love to watch you cook and savour whatever meal you’d be so generous as to let him taste.

you love to write & read? conspiracy theories? he would ask you all about what you read, what you’re interested in writing, and even indulge you as you ramble on about your favorite conspiracies.

then there’s your protective nature.

you take insults or things against you without batting an eye, but the moment someone insults him or any of those you care for, suddenly a warrioress comes out in you like he’s never seen.

you’re shy one day and another you’re so straight forward with him, he values that courage, even if you do not see it, and how honest you are. he admires honesty.

finding out you swear like a sailor would surprise him the most.

he has such a fondness for this young, gentle, and very fun & loving women and sudden she’s in the garden, profanities leaving her mouth in a never ending string after stubbing her toe ( can’t tell me that it doesn’t hurt enough NOT to swear ).

this man would have to do a double take just to make sure his eyes & ears weren’t deceiving him.

shingen would absolutely tease you about that later, how such an angel could have such strong words.

your passion and dedication to your work is something else shingen would find admirable, as he understands having a love of something you do & the beauty of being able to create it.

he is super attentive & always watching over for you and your moods.

you’re upset? he can see it in everything you do.

tired out and need a little you time? he’ll arrange for you to be undisturbed for a time and offer to bring you sweets to snack on & a book to enjoy your alone time with.

you are his angel of beauty and kindness, his goddess of ever compassionate forgiveness, and everything he comes to hold so dearly, meaning he will shower you endlessly with compliments & gifts if nothing more than to see you smile.

at kasuyagama you’re the castle’s mediator, as your personality seems to lean more towards peace & calm.

all that really means is you end up stopping shingen from teasing kenshin & keeping kenshin at best you can from being overly stabby.

i have to throw in that dates would be of the utmost importance to shingen with you.

he would have to take you to ever possible tea house to get you to try all of his favorite sweets and he would absolutely be abusing the fact you love them to against you to indulge you both.

yukimura would not be happy with either of you for constantly eating sweets & junk because it’s bad for your health and you need actual food to survive.

all. the. snuggles.

you have a favor for a calm & quiet atmosphere, so i can see you and shingen spending nights on the terrace in the cool evening air to admire the stars & moon.

correct me if i’m wrong, but you trapping shingen for morning cuddles? just five more minutes then you’ll let him go not really.

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

[justreputationnoexplanation]

I live under a roof they pay for so I'm still under thei4 roof even though I'm 2 hours away and maybe they can't hit me here but they can still control everything I do they control what I spend my groceries on and they ask half the time about what i bought I don't want them asking about it because anytime they can see any alcohol or anything they cant identify immediately it's a sign I'm like my father but I'm not. sometimes I just want to have a glass of wine or two with my dinner or sit with my friend and drink and watch football and it's not a thing but if I spend my money, if I spend their money, if I spend any money that they could see it's a problem because I'm a problem.

okay I'm drunk and I'm sad rn but ive been living under my mother's thumb and my mother's reign for what I knew was 2 years but I've been there my whole life and I fucking tired of her I'm tired of her asking every time I draw $20 out what am I doing with it maybe it's just something I don't want you to see maybe I'm just paying back a friend for something he gave me maybe I'm buying a vibrator you don't need to know what I'm doing I'm an adult you gave me this money is my allowance is my money for the month if this were a job I could do whatever f*** I wanted with this money and they couldn't ask me so why did you get to ask me why do you get to de side that the money that I get as my allowance as my spending money to only be sent bent as a grocery store. decide I can't deciee you know what I'd rather live off Ramen for this week and use a lift to bring my friend over so I can have genuine affection from someone who gives a f*** about me

why can I decide that why do you have to do it for me.

why do you hate me so much that you can't stand to see me happy why is it that I still love you after everything you've done to me even after you're why I tried to kill myself

why is it that I don't want a job because I know you're going to take that money from me so I can't be free from you

all I want is to be free from you.

i think i would rather live in a box or in someone basement and I could be free from you and what you doing but I can't

you think I break down crying about my dad a lot. See what you've done to me at least he is available to blame. him and his addiction that I can conceptualize that's that's mental illness

your just horrible never understand you don't even call me by the right name I'm not McKenna I haven't been McKenna since I was 13 this is still the name you is like I'm still 13 I'm like used to control me I'm 22 years old and I'm SINCLAIR

IM BEGGING YOU TO CALL ME BY MY RIGHT NAME. YOU CLAIM IT IS WOULDNT BE HARD FOR SOMEONE TRANS BUT I AM NONBINARY BUT I CANT TELL YOU THAT BECAUSR YOU CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF ITS ME

I have no idea what you want me to be I'm not sorry I wish I could just stop responding to that name because that hasn't been me it almost 10 years but you won't stop calling me that and I can't risk alienating you because I can't afford myself I've tried so I can't and instead of you supporting me I kept recording breakdowns over video memo on Tumblr or drunk to my boyfriend because at least they give a f*** about me sometimes but you don't it's obvious you don't I wish you still loved me still like I think you did once I don't know anymore cuz all I can look back here is what you did to me for years scream at me and I was a child I was 17 it wasn't my fault but it's like you blame me for it because the timing is right cuz that's when I left for college is when he started drinking again it wasn't my fault I didn't make him pick up that bottle it's like all that anger got pointed towards me I didn't do it but I'm still apologizing for mistakes that weren't mine I just wish you could love me again

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[kageyamass]

get to know me!

rules: once you've answered everything, tag 10 bloggers you want to learn more about!

tagged by: @tatakaedrey tysm <3

name/alias: my name is nicole but i usually go by nic (fun fact: i used to go by nicki in 5th grade and then nicki cole in 6th bc i thought i was so cool🤩🤩)

hair color: black but in the light its like a rly dark brown, i rly wanna dye it like a coral/peach color but im broke 🥴

zodiac sign: sagittarius🥰🥰 im sag sun and rising <33 i have my entire birth chart if yall wanna see

height: 5’5 // 165 cm im v average

hobbies: uh idk sleeping? i enjoy that a lot. i like writing sometimes but i dont post anything but i have a lot of stuff ive written from so many different fandoms, and i love reading fics and headcanons !!! also, ive recently gotten into playing minecraft again so there’s that(:

favorite color: orange. always. any shade of orange im love. i also like the color green but it depends sometimes (i bought a cute water bottle yesterday thats like a light green color v v nice)

favorite books: i dont read on my own time anymore, but my favorite to read for school (and i rec that everyone read) were nectar in a sieve by kamala markandaya, zeitoun by dave eggers, and blood meridian by cormac mccarthy !! nectar in a sieve is about a woman who married as a child bride and encountered lots of problems that she had to fight for esp since her “neighborhood” was changing and like getting “upgraded,” pls pls read its amazing! zeitoun is about a guy who stays in new orleans to help ppl during/after hurricane katrina but he’s muslim and there’s a lot of security that go around so it gets v dramatic and emotional. spectacular. blood meridian is cowboyz🤠🤠 its super violent and depicts rly gross scenes so read at your own risk, but its kinda ?? about this boy (its all in the 1850s) who runs away from home and ends up in cowboy gangs and experiences a lot of death around him (bc they’re cowboys in the 1850s) and i need to reread it bc the end was extremely figurative (i think) and i think it has some kind of meaning but idk... so yeah my top 3 (:

last song i listened to: fast pace by seventeen! and yes, you should stan seventeen they are amazing pls watch some of their dance practices bc oml its so mesmerizing (honestly i am 1000% willing to make a post just on this, they have spectacular choreography that makes all 13 of them look so graceful ???? and somehow its never lookin like a huge mess ???? stunning.)

last film i watched: lmao night at the museum 3, my dad bought it on dvd bc we have the first two but neither one of us remembered what the 3rd was like so we watched it and i still dont really remember seeing it but whatever ig it was gr8

things i love: wowie, so many things, um, commas, obviously :D minecraft, youtube, sleeping, listening to/finding new music, early mornings, coffee (even tho i cant drink it anymore ); ) late night drives w friends, and being w friends in general tbh (irl or online)

what brings me peace: def being comfortable expressing myself and not feeling worried or anxious that someone might get offended or anything like that, finishing any work i have, watching rtgame’s livestreams or callmekevin’s videos (im boo boo the fool) listening to music

meaning behind my url: i made it for haikyuu!! and i clearly love kageyama (the og loml) and i wanted it to be easy to read, so i was like “kageyama’s ass ...” and boom. kageyamass.

tysm for tagging me !!! it was v v fun<3

tagging : @kagehinaass @kyrtsad @dantaelixn @bokkuto @simplyuta @erdbeermilch @spidroos (you absolutely do not have to do it if you don’t want to, that is a-okay)🥵

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[deniigi]

Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over  theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

beat

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

beat

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

[legion1993]

Is It True?

AN: i love amazing writers. i love writing amazing pieces. this piece goes out to @icantlivewithyou in celebration of her 800 followers challenge! hope this makes you smile!

prompt “you’re really pregnant?”

pairing: Bruce Wayne x Reader

summery: its a secret!

Masterlist

8 years ago, you were a graduate student...

8 years ago you got an internship with Wayne Enterprises!

8 years ago was the first encounter you ever had with the Batman. he save your life. 

not too long after that you had a magical date with your boss Bruce Wayne! this began your magical journey.

6 years later you are at the office and lunch time roles around. you and Bruce would normally go out for lunch at the usual fancy restaurant. you loved your time with Bruce, but today was different you walked into his office and he has a strange look to his eye... 

Bruce: “close the door love and come here...”

you close the door and go over to the desk he turns to face you welcoming you into his lap...

YN: “hey baby... are you ready for lunch?”

Bruce: “we are not going to lunch today... we will do dinner instead but right now can i show you something... i feel like i need to confide this to you, we have been together for a while now and im looking forward to many more years with you but not without you knowing my biggest well kept secret...”

YN: “Bruce whatever you have to tell me, i’ll go into it with you. i love you Bruce! you know that! so what is it that you wish to share with me?”

Bruce: “well first we have to get up off this chair... ive already cleared us to go for the rest of the day... think of this as a vacation! a small one where we arent going far but yet we are gonna have traveled the distances...”

you were now very curious... you had no idea what was about to happen... but got up off your boyfriends lap and held his hand as he led you to the wall pannel, he took his other hand and placed it to the wall. 

it then spoke...

AI: “good afternoon mr wayne...”

you were amazed that you never knew about this panel being here... but you walked inside with Bruce as he spoke next.

Bruce: “take us to the cave!”

immediately you were both on one crazy roller coaster ride... it was a tunnel system that seemed to go from the top of wayne tower to some underground cavern... 

the ride stopped and Bruce once more spoke...

Bruce: “through these doors is a world that no-one but Alfred has known about like ever... now to you i present this my most valuable secret... the entire reason behind the tunnel system. the entire reason behind all my so called late nights at the office or pre-preparations for a gala that is months away... well i never actually ever left the manor.. id be down here working out, training, and monitoring the city... you may exit the doors when your ready...”

you went passed Bruce and the doors opened automatically... you walked out onto a literal rock solid floor, and into a cavern where tech and a bunch of equipment lay around all over the place... 

you wandered around a bit before arriving at the main area, or what assumed was the main area for it had a really big computer setup with 6 different screens and one tiny ass keyboard. the computers powered up and revealed a giant bat symbol... thats when it hit you like a freight train. 

you turned to Bruce and decided to test your theory make sure it was true...

you went into a low spin kick to which Bruce jumped over. blocking each move you threw at him you had to now think quickly... you decided to pull a Natasha romanov and wrap your legs around his neck flipping him to the ground but he had grabbed your wrist and twisted your arm when you did that. 

Bruce got off of you and smiled as he extended his hand to you...

Bruce: “if you wanted to test my skills how was that?”

YN: “you’re batman... why didnt you tell me sooner?”

Bruce could only chuckle as he smiled...

Bruce: “i was afraid of how you would react... had i known you would react that way i would have told you sooner... are you ok love? you look kinda pale?”

you shook your head, truth be told you hadnt been feeling well for a few days now... you just thought you were getting ready for your period... but this morning you had thrown up... you werent sure what was wrong...

YN: “i think i need a doctor...”

Bruce picked you up bridal style, carrying you to the elevator you both emerge in the library of the manor, where Alfred greets both of you...

Alfred: “good heavens, is Miss YN alright?”

Bruce: “Alfred can you get the car and take us to Gotham General... please?”

Alfred: “of course sir...”

Alfred brings the car to the front of the house where you and Bruce now waiting Alfred opens the door helping to get both of you inside before driving reasonably to Gotham General. 

upon arrival at the hospital, Bruce had Alfred once more help to get you out of the car... Alfred then went to park the car while Bruce carried you inside. walking inside he was greeted by 2 nurses...

Nurse 1: “how can we help you both tonight?”

Bruce: “my girlfriend is pale and not well we need a check up... run all the necessary tests rule out anything and everything please...”

Nurse 2: “okay sir calm down please... we need a name to process her under...”

Bruce: “Bruce wayne... i help fund this hospital... my girlfriends name is YN... she can barely stand on her own...”

the nurses both led you and Bruce through the secluded doors, to a room secluded and away from prying eyes... Bruce had laid you on the bed, you were not sure yet as to your condition but you had your suspicions...

it was about 5 minutes later when a doctor walked in one of the nurses who had helped you both in here walked in bringing several things with...

Dr. Jason: “Bruce,  YN i’m Dr. Jason... i understand that your not feeling well tonight Miss... can you tell me how long you havent been well?”

YN: “its been on and off for the last week or so...”

Dr. Jason relays notes to the nurse and asks the next question...

Dr. Jason: “when was your last period? or do you know when your next period is supposed to arrive?”

you took one small breath before answering...

YN: “its due... as of yesterday...”

Dr. Jason: “let me guess it hasnt arrived yet, has it...?”

you shake your head, Dr. Jason has the nurse bring in an ultrasound cart...  Bruce moves to the other side and gives the okay to do whatever necessary not wanting to leave your side...

Dr. Jason: “have you ever had an ultrasound before YN?” 

you shoke your head...

Dr. Jason: “okay its very simple, nothing to worry about... now im gonna need access to your abdomen as well as your stomach... so your waist line on your pants is gonna have to go down a bit... i will place some gel on your stomach, then i will use this equipment to through the gel be able to take a peak inside your belly... see if there is anything noticeable...”

the doctor did as he said, placing the gel on made you shiver a bit but Bruce’s touch kept you nice and warm... as Dr. Jason now moved the transducer around on the gel, the nurse was ready to record anything found... 

you and Bruce anxiously watched the screen... waiting for answers of any kind to come up... Dr Jason then stopped moving the tansducer, he kinda stayed in one spot for a while... it was then that he knew what the cause was... he had the nurse make a few notes and then sent her out of the room... 

Dr. Jason: “it seems congratulations are in order...”

Bruce: “im sorry what do you mean Congratulations are in order...”

Dr Jason: “well it seems YN isnt sick sick after all its just a little bit of morning sickness...”

your eyes widened... before your head collapsed from the shock of the news... you knew full well what the congratulations was for but no one knew how shocked you were till you fainted...

it was 10 minutes later when you woke again to find Bruce filling out paper work, after being told by Dr Jason not to worry too much that you would wake eventually that you fainted from the aftershock of the news...

Bruce’s head swam with the thoughts of being a father, sure something he had thought about but never dreamed would ever happen. a few moments later Bruce looked up as he often did to find you sitting up and stretching slightly... 

Bruce: “hey love how are you feeling?”

YN: “is it true?”

Bruce comes over to your side and smiles lovingly at you.

Bruce: “you’re really pregnant?

Bruce gestures to the ultrasound photo sitting beside you on the bed...

YN: “yes i am... i had my suspisions but i wasnt ever gonna admit them to anyone or myself... however, i know we never actually discussed the thought of kids, but believe me when i say i wouldnt be here today if you werent the most amazing man i had ever met...”

Bruce: “i cant even begin to describe how much excitement im holding in right now... i mean we are gonna be parents... its gonna be an honor to raise this child with you...”

Bruce with you holds the photo and then Bruce lifts your shirt to once again expose your belly and he places soft kisses to it, then he comes up to place a longing kiss to your lips... you were now in a happy place... 

you finally felt like your life was finally underway...