#i know im a good and kind and funny person but my inability to bring myself to improve anything just makes me feel like im the worst

[desire-mona]

can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.

[tomfoolies]

so, uh. here’s something i’ve been working on a hot minute; the timeline of myself in parks and rec, and how i fit into the story! and it’s only part one.... strap yourselves in folks. it’s a ride! but i’ve loved writing this while watching the show!

> i start my new job at the city hall right after the government shutdown. the camera crew decided that they’d start to film me as well, as they want to see what i can bring into the show and how i fit into the work community after mark’s departure. i catch chris for the first time while they film me and im like ”huh? who’s that? interesting…”. leslie finds me almost immediately afterwards, because of course she’s curious to see who took mark’s job. and fortunately for both of us, we hit it off really well so she invites me to visit the parks and rec department as often as possible. aka starting from tomorrow because she will make me cookies as a welcome present and she will show me around the city hall as well as take me to eat the best waffles and–

> i also point out to the crew that i really want to mingle with people because at my previous job nobody really wanted to be friends because it was a private firm, there was a lot of competition between everyone and it was… just not a good workplace. plus i don’t have that many friends anyways because all my old friends live in finland. so i’m more than happy that leslie came along and i already like her. 

> i guide the twilight fanatic to the correct department so i kind of make it my fault. and start hanging out there, at first to see the mess unfold, and because i also love twilight. also me n chris meet by the pretzel stand at the end of the episode because duh. i love a good pretzel. and when he leaves… i might be a liddol bit sad.

> me and ben bond over not understanding the lil sebastian hype. and throughout the harvest festival i’m seen eaten cotton candy. like. in all the scenes. even before the festival has started. i fucking love cotton candy. 

> then chris comes back and im like Oh. HELLO. good day sir. perhaps we stumble upon each other at work when everyone else is on the camping trip, so it’s casual and easy. also he is starting to catch some feelings towards me….. subconsciously at least.

> also i bring a good cake to april and andy’s wedding instead of what i was assigned (napkins) because i, unlike everyone else, foresaw chris’ inability to bring an actual cake. nobody is impressed by it, though. mostly just mad i didn’t get the napkins.

> leslie tells about the stuff that went down with tom and chris’ reaction to it. it throws me off but i try to play it casually and then for a while things get a bit awkward with him. but he doesn’t notice it, someone else has to point it out. maybe andy, without realizing? so that makes chris think...

> also ben would actually move to my place because i have a spare room and he prefers more… adult-like company. and we’d bond a bit more and he’d tell me about his thing with leslie because i am “the kind of person you just want to tell your darkest secrets to without being prompted” (his words, not mine). and we’d help andy and april be grown ups together. besties energy!!!

> the snake juice episode is more me and chris bonding in the bar because i don’t drink very often either. but me and april have an argument, her blackout drunk in spanish and me just… being me, in finnish. nobody knows why we started but we just keep doing it and somehow understanding one another. i swear it would be pretty funny. and of course, haul some of the gang home, it wont be just donna’s job!

> after the road trip episode i get sick, i don’t show up to work so chris gets worried and ben my roomie tells chris what’s up. he appears to my apartment with food he recalled me liking (aka things he’d never eat) and i get SO happy, very touched. 

> after that? it’s all a blur. perhaps we get together during the season finale? kind of discreetly, out of nowhere, he’s having his ”i could die anyday now” spiral and i show up and he’s having a realization along the lines of ”if i died before i got to kiss her this life would’ve been a WASTE”. ok it’s a little bit dramatic but in a way that fits us. so. 

> oh yes season finale he actually talks to ME about his problem and anxiety and i actually help him with it and make him feel more at ease and it shows really well how similar we are about health anxiety and just the general outlook in life. and a kiss happens kind of unexpectedly. 

> nobody knows about it at first, just because... it would be a bit too much. 

> also, ben’s the first to find out. and it’d be a very big surprise for him. he doesn’t internalize it for a while. it would be so funny. also we’re just going to ignore the rules about office relationships entirely because i cannot be bothered.

> so i come along to the lunch date as previously discussed and then this scene happens instead IT JUST WORKS aaaand after his treat yourself day ben wears the batman costume at my place bc duh he lives there. but it ends up with me also bringing out my OWN costume. what costume? i don’t know. but i’d have one, whatever it’d be. i don’t have all the details.

> aaaand because ben lives with me he doesnt get into a fight with andy but instead comes to the halloween party in his batman suit encouraged by me but nobody really recognises him/everyone ignores him so he walks around very offended especially after he spots me and chris making out. also i teach chris to dance because he sucks at it (affectionate).

> and of course, we go hang out to the end of the world AND go to the tom and jean ralphio’s party. duh.

> i’d totally hype up andy for being finland in the model UN. FINLAND REP. but also what the fuck are these events. what is the american school system. what is america. i miss finland. without all the lions.

> so. i’ve been a little bit aloof lately and chris wonders why because we’ve been doing so well but now i’m “so busy” and kind of avoiding him, so thats why he launches the investigations. and in the end everyone comes to the conclusion that maybe… he should ASK ME. 

> so in the smallest park episode he finally manages to ask me about it and i tell him that i miss finland. so he suggests that i should go back for a few weeks. also we say i love you…. cute…

> i totally help leslie with the campaign as well for i volunteer to be the design and advertisement manager !!

> and when ben’s depression hits… i’m stuck with him at our place and i call chris for help because i have no idea how to handle a depressed ben and it’s been 5 days and he just keeps getting worse. i mean, he is relatable, but chris help your girl and your bestie out. 

> after that i head to finland for a few weeks. chris’ pretty down for most of the time, so everyone else is trying to cheer him up. he still ends up being the dj for the valentine’s dance and making everyone miserable. UNTIL BOOM BOW I SURPRISE HIM and arrive a bit early. our reunion is very cute and wholesome. that’s why he disappears and leslie thinks he’s cheating on me with ann lmao.

aaaand that’s how far i’ve gotten. we’ll see when/if i manage to continue this. anyways if you got this far you’re a real champ. me and chris are cheering for you xoxo have a great day

[justsomefluff]

Hi hun! I love your work so much! I was wondering if you could do ATEEZ reacting to finding out you still sleep with your baby blanket? I still sleep with mine and I’m 19 and I’m throughly embarrassed about it 😅 thank you so much!!!

Okay thats endearing af so don't be embarrassed!!! Also this is kinda short bc I was getting really soft and I could've written forever but I couldn't let myself go there lmao

Hongjoong: 

(ok this gif doesn't really match but it’s so funny wtf)

The second he finds out you still have your blanket he’s like... I’d die for you

Like he loves that you have that innocent, meaningful part of your life still with you

Joong loves that it shows your soft side, that only he gets to see

It really shows him that you are a sentimental person and he’s like “I hope she keeps me forever like that blanket uwu”

Loves and I mean LOVES when he finds you sleeping with it

Whether he caught you in the middle of a nap, or maybe you went to bed earlier than he did

He sees that and it’s cuddle time

Doesn’t like to disturb your sleep though so he’ll just very gently wrap himself around you and brush your hair out of your face

Just a lot of soft touches until he falls asleep too

Seonghwa:

Mama Hwa activated

you’ve got a baby blanket, and youre already his baby? Perfect for his need to parent

Like he’ll still be boyfriend goals but he’s also gonna treat you like a toddler sometimes

Not in a bad way, I mean like he’s gonna tuck you in and sing you to sleep and all that stuff an actual mom would do

He just cant help himself, I mean really you need to go easy on him

He’s too soft around you

Like he might die if you get any cuter, cut it out!!!

And he always makes sure you have the blanket the way you like it before you sleep

Like if you just wanna hold it? Cool he’s got you. If you wanna wrap up in it...Also cool!

Will take care of all your blankie needs without question

Just wants to give you the world :’)

Yunho:

the second he finds out about your blanket he’s gonna wanna get a matching one

“Wtf why” 

“so I can have a piece of you when im on tour” and your hearts just goes POOF

and so he finds one super similar (not necessarily identical but its one that works)

becomes just as attached to his new blanket at you are to yours

takes it everywhere

but its so cute like you guys will be cuddled on the couch each with your respective blanket omg

and the guys find you all the time like passed out with your blankies and holding hands and stuff

they’ll take pictures of you two to tease you about it but you guys secretly save every single photo

it’s just perfect lock screen material really

Yeosang:

Teases you at first, I can’t even lie about that

but it’s not mean or anything it’s more like “you love that blanket more than me” kind of thing

but eventually he just sees it as a part of you

and if you’re ever not holding it, it’s so jarring to him

like “where's the blanket this is so weird you look naked we gotta go get it”

it always puts a smile on his face though

like if you ever have to go somewhere that you cant or don't want to bring it to, then he’ll stay home and secretly bury his face in it

it becomes a comfort thing for him too bc it smells so much like you

if you ever catch him smelling it he’ll be like “I WAS JUST SEEING IF MAYBE WE NEED TO WASH IT”

he’s embarrassed but you’re endeared to no end

you’ve totally got at least one picture of him with it somewhere bc I mean... your two fav things on earth in one pic?

magical

San:

I WAS SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS ONE AH

Okay San relates heavy bs you’ve got your blankie and he’s got Shiber

Will send you pics of Shiber wrapped up in your blankie like bro :’(

And you guys will stuff both Shiber and your blanket in between you and hug at the same time

Because lets face it, nothings gonna get in the way of cuddles alright I don't make the rules

And one night he’ll be like “let’s trade for today”

but then five minutes in both of you are like “nope nope we gotta switch back I cant do this”

but you both think it’s really funny low-key and end up laughing at each other’s inability to sleep without your favorite thing

he’s so sweet to you about it though like if you’re ever sad, he knows exactly what to bring to make you feel better

uses the blanket constantly and whenever you’re at home he always has it for you

like you sit down in another room for two seconds and he’s like

“You left this in the bedroom” and throws it at you

and he’ll get Shiber too bc “they’re friends”

overall he’s just so cute about it and genuinely understands the need to have something like that around

Mingi:

(^ him practicing his keynote speech on why you should cuddle with him instead)

Okay Mingi’s a big baby about it 

like he gets it but he’s low-key (read: highkey) jealous of the blanket right

“Cuddle me insteadddd”

won't let you live like fr

never tries to take it from you or anything though

just wants you to prioritize cuddles with him is all

will literally take advantage of any moment that you don't have it right

like if you're on the couch watching a movie he’s basically in your lap

if that’s your emotional support blanket then you’re his emotional support human okay

“why do you need an emotional support blanket when I can be your emotional support Kpop boy?”

“Mingi, I don't think that’s how it works” (I mean can he really still be your emotional support Kpop boy if he's already your bf? how’s that work?)

he eventually figures out a way to get his cuddles though

he just compromises and sleeps under the blanket with you

“Why didn’t I think of this before it’s perfect?” 

“Maybe bc you're an idiot” 

cue play fighting that leads to smoochies under the blanket

Wooyoung:

Ok this one is problematic for you

because he likes to borrow it

“Wooyoung-ah, that’s MINE”

he has the “mom says it’s my turn” attitude lmao

like no. it’s not your turn if it’s not YOURS...I digress

he gets so annoying about it that you cave and buy him his own blanket

it’s not even close to the same kind as yours, but you got one in his fav color and everything so he’s really excited about it

covers your face in kisses to show his gratitude

but he immediately washes it with the special detergent you use so that it’ll still smell like yours

and he turns into Linus from Charlie Brown you know?

never washes his blanket and takes it literally everywhere

if you wash it for him he won't talk to you for like a whole day lmao

“But it had to be done. Wooyoungie, it was for the greater good”

“Shut up”

but he’s secretly really happy that the detergent smell is back bc it reminds him of you awwww

so basically he picked up your habit really fast and it just sticks

Jongho:

tell me why Jongho is protective of your blanket

jk, I know why

it’s bc he knows you’d be devastated if anything ever happened to it

he’s always chaperoning you like “Jagiya, don’t eat that rn you’ll get crumbs on your blanket”

or “be careful not to spill that on your blanket, bb”

like “Jongho...sweetheart...I GOT IT”

and if anything ever happened to it, like it gets stained or ripped or something

he’s already googling how to fix it

acts like a surgeon “ok, we need to be very gentle with this stain” “cut the thread very precisely”

so dramatic, but it’s cute because you know he’s only like that to make sure you’re happy and have everything you need

like three months after he finds out that you have the blanket he’s basically a certified tailor and stain-remover

perfect house-wife when it comes to your blankie lmao

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

[theradioghost]

hey my dudes. I know a lot of you followed me for things like TAZ, or, back in the day, Undertale. I know lots of you like movies like Thor: Ragnarok and Pacific Rim and Mad Max: Fury Road. So u know I’m a big fan of media that’s going to deliver color and humor and good writing and defy genre expectations and make me feel a little better about the world I live in and the people I share it with. Consequently, im gonna talk for a minute about Pushing Daisies.

if you’re not familiar with Pushing Daisies, I’d summarize the plot like this:

As a boy, Ned discovers that he has the power to bring the dead back to life. This power comes with two caveats: if he touches them again, they are dead forever; and if he leaves a dead thing alive for more than one minute, something else nearby will die. As an adult and the proprietor of a pie shop, Ned makes spare cash on the side through a bargain with the only person to know his secret, a private eye who has him ask the dead who killed them to collect rewards. It’s through this arrangement that Ned discovers that Charlotte “Chuck” Charles, his childhood love whose father he accidentally killed in the accident where he discovered the consequences of his powers, has been murdered.

The result is almost impossible to categorize. Pushing Daisies is a murder mystery show. It’s a comedy. It’s a fairy tale. It’s a love story. It’s the best goddamn piece of television I’ve ever seen.

First off, it’s by Bryan Fuller. Yes, that Bryan Fuller, who somehow turned viscerally horrifying gore into visual art in Hannibal. Pushing Daisies has the same amazing cinematography, but in vivid colors and whimsical designs. Looking at this show feels like eating candy, I fucking love it.

The whole thing is narrated by none other than Jim Dale, with the dry humor and warmth that makes the whole thing feel like a fairy tale. It’s a world of knitting detectives, candy-shop entrepreneurs, windmill keepers, friends-for-hire, reclusive beekeepers, and competitive synchronized mermaid swimmers, and all of them are out to murder each other brutally, and yet somehow those two things never clash. There are puns. There are absurdly named businesses and characters. It’s got the whole shebang.

The characters are just as good as the world, and just like it, they have a lot of hidden depths. There are some genuinely traumatized people in this cast, dealing with heartbreak, abandonment, isolation, abuse, past mistakes, mental illness. The show treats all of that seriously and sensitively without ever becoming grim or dark. Olive Snook is madly in unrequited love with Ned, but her feelings aren’t a joke, and she’s more than that. Chuck’s agoraphobic aunts Vivian and Lily have a compelling storyline all their own about secrets and loss and mental illness. Ned deals with losing his mother, with being abandoned by his father, with a lifetime of guilt and secrets; Chuck is trying to find a way to make up for a first life spent in isolation and unfulfillment. Emerson Cod, PI, is tough, witty, and primarily motivated by money; he also knits when he’s stressed and discovers a passion for designing pop-up books midway through the show. But all of them are funny, all of them are endearing, and above all, all of them are healing. (And if you’re into that found family shit, this is the good stuff, guys.)

The show’s main focus is on Ned and Chuck’s relationship, and honestly the fact that this romance existed in 2007 just eliminates any excuse for the general inability of TV writers to make me care about straight couples. There’s no will-they-won’t-they; it’s pretty obvious from episode one that Ned and Chuck are an item instantly, and they genuinely love one another. What provides the narrative tension is the two of them working through their problems, absurd as they might be: abandonment issues, accidentally murdering someone’s dad, having to hide your identity because you’re legally dead, never being able to touch the person you love most. It’s about both of them working to become better people because they are the most important people in each other’s lives. And it’s so healthy, yall. They talk about things. There’s a whole bit where they talk about space and Chuck decides to move out of their apartment to try independence for the first time and just, in general, everything these two do makes me melt. You will be emotional about plastic wrap, guys. You will cry about gloves.

And what you get is a show about love, and friendship, and family, and healing, about life and death and what they are and why they matter. Above all, it’s kind, and it treats the dark things in the world with hope. Time after time, it’s the thing I come back to to laugh, to feel good, to watch something colorful and joyful and fun. Do yourself a favor and go watch both seasons right now.

[babiewonho]

thoughts on shownu nd wonho

[audio of calebcity’s anime villain laugh bass boosted plays] WOW….amira u truly want me dead askfjaskfj wow…Hyung Line…i’ll start with mister wonho bc that’s where my brain is takin me   Buckle up!! [this is 2k words when will i die]

my favorite fake maknae…mister babie..something i find very unique abt him is even tho he was supposed to be the leader   he also has a lot of youthful naive charm that matches more of a Follower type of personality. like while we saw him be a leader in no mercy, and he did an excellent job esp with gun being covered up for his lack of dancing skill, i think that is a very unnatural state of being for him, and he exerts an unfortunate amount of energy trying to lead others. he has the skills necessary but i think he overextends himself to employ them. his natural state of being is more of a follower in that that’s where he’s more comfortable. he stresses too much about keeping everybody happy at once and takes too much responsibility. he’s naturally a workaholic and sacrifices his health for the sake of work. 

so honestly i’m really glad he didnt end up being the leader and i’ll get more into leder shownu later :D but i take it as a blessing that he’s allowed to take more of a backseat and speak up when he wants to rather than always being in charge. tbh wonho is kinda Out Of It all the time and while i think if he was a leader he’d fight to stay in the moment i think he needs that time in his head to decompress. tbh it’s really funny that he cld have been the leader to me in no malicious way just bc he’s never There askfjasf like when minhyuk said he always needs to go looking for him bc he just wanders off and he’s getting coffee and he’s like what :D and he needs extra explanations and stuff all the time and minhyuk n the others need to direct him in what he’s doing all the time. 

that’s why i said the fake maknae thing bc in many ways he has a really youthful kind of innocence to him like just a silly child. like when ck took the glass away from him at the awards show so he wouldnt break it kasfjsa and then the bottle   like a big brother would do  and wonho was like :/ okay…and wiping his tears. we rly see a shift from him as a Hyung to someone who the others end up taking care of in a very natural way. there’s a big reverse dynamic there, in particular with him and changkyun. which is rly interesting! changkyun kind of steps up to be more mature in situations with him. it’s really cute…

when i think of wonho in the position of a hyung, i think it’s in a non traditional way. when i think of him i think of light blue and him being a Healer. he is a big reminder to stay in touch with your emotions and feel them. at the taiwan concert…i believe at least! that it was that one…when everyone was holding back their tears wonho was like just cry!! to hw in particular he said that there were a ton of people there to hug him and support him when he cried so he should just do it so he didn’t regret it later, and he has a very nurturing heart. he makes this one face…it’s like a mix of a pout n a sad smile?? when he pities another member…it’s a very gentle and empathic facial expression…i’m not used to seeing men make that face. 

so i think he DOES offer a form of guidance/wisdom as an older member but it’s not in a structural way if that makes sense like minhyuk saying “walk over here” or ordering them around it’s like a Healing presence..a calm spirit to offer Peace and Serenity. being in touch with his emotions i feel also creates an openness within the group where they feel better about expressing themselves, at the very least bc they cld use him as a scapegoat, which i dont think he’d mind. like wonho cried first!!!

part of his openness with his emotions is what makes him seem childish not in an unlikable way but rather…like he never got that Hard adult shell that makes people fear expressing themselves and their true thoughts. when he is happy he is brightly adorably happy he’s literally :DD just delighted and that brings out protective instincts in those who are around him which is another part of why he’s a fake maknae 2 me…he gets teased like everyone else but i dont think anybody cld have the heart 2 be mean to him his eyes are just too sparklie…also his LAUGH…is so loud and genuine and beautiful and it makes me feel such joy and it makes the others happy too  nothing is really funny to me until wonho laughs that’s like the official comedy stamp his :D smile n HAHAHAHA laugh  n his wheeze

he’s also really stubborn like a child which i find endearing but i know cld be frustrating sometimes but i find it funny askfjas he’s a baby…he asks for opinions n then doesnt care bc he already made his mind LMAO

he is also!! just so so full of LOVE. his heart is so big…he loves his family and monbebes and his members and he’s so transparent about it and it’s absolutely precious. he radiates love and puts a very beautiful calming blue energy into the world and everything about him is very gentle like body language wise. he speaks very softly even though he’s Loud sometimes the words come out soft if that makes sense. the way they are pronounced in spite of volume. he doesn’t spit out words and i think that’s kind of why he stutters so much they’re so soft n undefined they blend into each other. they need more shape…but he also holds things gently and doesn’t exert a lot of pressure in his fingertips. he’s very cautious and not aggressive and is not prone to anger, though he can get frustrated.

i really thank him for his honesty with fans abt how he’s feeling etc bc i think it creates a very nice friend like relationship. he rly cares abt keeping up updated and it’s so precious i feel genuinely cared for lmao…i literally take care of myself sometimes bc of his tweets like dont forget to eat etc and that’s so special

there’s more things i cant think of right now but u know…i cld happily do this forever but MISTER SHOWNU…ur time to shine (forever…)

NOW…shownu is the official leader which is also unique because nothing about shownu besides perhaps his powerful body commands Leadership our eyes are drawn to him because of this quiet power he exudes but he doesn’t have that dominant personality type in fact i find him a very passive person he’s not fussy at all and seems to value group harmony over his own personal feelings

i think sometimes being a leader is burdensome to him for the reason that he has more of a quiet let things happen personality but that’s what’s interesting. the members don’t respect him because he Commands their attention. they follow him instead rather bc they just respect him and Know he’s the leader. 

even though leadership doesn’t come naturally to him in the traditional sense and minhyuk often assists or does more tradition leader things and has to remind him to speak, he has a whole different form of leadership where he’s quiet but when he Does say something everyone just respects it and doesn’t question it. i feel ppl follow him out of respect and affection rather than anything like intimidation if that makes sense. they just look up to him and admire him and respect his wishes. 

he was a leader during no mercy and ppl followed him without question mostly. he’s really good at having a friendly personality but still making sure people focus during dance practice. ppl might think this form of passive leadership is bad but i think there’s no need for him to interject generally bc mx flows very well with their dynamic and doesn’t need to get adjusted much. he also imo has kihyun and minhyuk as co-leaders which happened naturally and not out of his inability to lead efficiently, so i think if he’s lacking in any way, they’re there to cover that up and i think this also helps remove stress from him.

shownu is also just so likable!! on running man they said when ppl dont talk much, strangely you want to pay more attention to them and i think that’s happened to shownu his whole life. people are watching him without knowing and then when he speaks they’re so pleasantly surprised because he’s so funny and most of it is said in such a flat way, like deadpan humor. he’s a comedy genius because what he says is so unexpected most of the time but also so powerful. if shownu said like…”legs” i’d pee myself laughing bc something abt him is so fucking funny and endearing and goofy and HIS laugh itself makes me laugh too like …he invented comedy lmfao he’s absolutely not boring that’s a misunderstanding of his personality  he definitely needs to get comfortable somewhere before his real personality is revealed but he’s gotten a lot better at that which is why he’s been advancing through variety and im so proud of him for that and impressed

also adding to him being so endearing the members just genuinely adore him and i think when he went to law of the jungle a taxi took him to the location and ck said to the cab driver “take care of him/drive safely” which is very sweet and just shows like the Depth of their affection for him. everything he does the members just find so cool and funny and endearing and he brings them a lot of happiness

he’s also such a good fit for the group because he’s so CHILL like minhyuk cld be gnawing jooheon’s leg off while wonho fights changkyun over a piece of shrimp and hyungwon is getting dusted by kihyun and shownu’s like :) i love my family and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH LMAO like he genuinely adores his members and you can feel that too like not even just things like him giving up lines (hw in beautiful) or splitting his commercial earnings among his team which he didnt even want kh to say but he imagines himself doing things with them in the future like going on trips and he really sees them as his friends/family rather than coworkers and it’s so lovely and beautiful he’s just so goddamn fond of them lol

also hyung line with each OTHER is so precious bc wonho is rly like a little happy kid around shownu n shownu is so calm n chill and wonho is like :DD hello!!! n shownu pretends he doesnt care asjfsafj  it’s so funny wonho is just going around hoping for shownu’s love like he said in that fansign note n shownu ignores him n teases him asfkjasf it’s so cute when shownu teases it’s so funny it rly shows just how fond he is and shownu always laughs when wonho laughs and humors him?? and by humors him i mean wonho babbles a lot n makes little silly side comments and if shownu is within hearing distance he always tries to reply to those and he makes wonho giggle and it’s precious and he listens and shownu just really Understands the member’s personalities like when he said he likes when mh talks a lot etc he understands them and just doesn’t want them to change bc he loves the way they are like i kno that sounds fake deep but it’s true…

wonho is just so cute…n youthful around shownu i love the dynamic it’s amazing how similar they are in age like a year apart n yet wonho seems so young around him and shownu just teases him n theyve known each other for a long time n are so comfortable with each other n they work out together like…we love strong muscle men with hearts of gold …also this is just random but wonho pronounces “shownu” so cute n also i love hearing shownu say hoseokie like it’s just adorable shownu always calls the memebrs by their real names n fogets to say the stage ones like   who is even calling changkyun “I.M.” at this point   who is that….

[phandomsecretvalentines]

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

  Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

  Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

:(

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

  Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

no

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

  Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

  Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

  Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

  Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

  Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

  Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

  Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

  Dan laughed, breathily.

  Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

:)

  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.

[runearcana]

Why does Karkat think I should be perfect and flawless and blameless?

[or rather, why did he think that i should be those things?]

why cant he understand that i struggle with fears and anxieties like everyone else?

why was he more hard on me than everyone else about things I wasnt good at?

why did he think screaming was a good solution to his inability to communicate in a more straightforward manner?

why did he see me as such a threat?

was he terrified of me?

did i annoy him more than the others did?

i guess i was a scapegoat for him.

i didnt deserve the way he acted towards me. hell never understand how much he hurt me and hell never realize that i didnt deserve the way he hurt me so often.

i dont trust him, and why should i?

he made offers to me, and when it boggled my mind, he went back on his offer.. kind of an *indian giver* kind of person in the emotional arena.

if he was more consistent about encouraging me to speak up, maybe i would.

and then id trust him not to verbally attack me anymore someday.

it takes two people to tango.

maybe its best that im invisible to him, that i fade into obscurity.

i think id feel happier that way honestly.

but maybe thats where i already am.

i wish his name didnt trigger painful memories. i wish i didnt expect someone to bring his name up at some point.

because maybe then i could keep my mind off of him.

like i rejected myself before anyone else could, i brought up my addiction to him before anyone else could.

i dont believe there is peace in this situation. there is no real resolution for how he treated me. he will never know the pain he caused me. he will never learn from his mistakes as a result. for someone that prides themselves on identifying, then learning from his mistakes, he hasnt learnt anything worthwhile from his interactions with me. he hasnt seen how he has been wrong.

of course our connection is one-sided.

hes close-minded about being a proper friend. hes not trustworthy in any sense of the word.

you know something funny? maybe we projected extreme parts of ourselves onto the other.

I saw him as absolutely perfect and flawless, even though his flaws are probably more prevelant if id let myself accept the reality that a person can be so incredibly shitty.

and he saw me as absolutely imperfect and flawed even though i legitimately care about people and really want everyone on the entire planet, even shit like Dirk..

i wanted to be more like him, he was scared as shit to be more like me.

I fed his ego with my praise, and he pointed out my flaws that I so desperately wanted to see to transform them into strengths.

there was always an oppositional element to our connection. it was always too extreme.

he would really do well to mellow out some.

i dont know if i can comprehend his true shittiness factor and I dont believe he can process that a person can be so kind-hearted, considerate, and loving.

ill never get validation from him, and hell never get pure unadulturated hatred from me.

well never let ourselves go there because its just how things are.

we have to recieve those things from other people if we really want them bad enough.

and thats probably fine. its for the best.

considering i think hes the most beautiful person in the world, he must think im the vilest, revolting creature in existence.

its fine, tbh.

[starsgivemehp]

(Just in case any of you care about RedPap lol)

Apparently @honeyhogger‘s mun and I are psychic because we picked birthdays for Red and Pap without checking horoscopes, and well. The result once we did is as follows. Rambling ensues.

starsgivemehp U wanna know what I headcanon his nameday to be

honeyhogger Of course I dO

starsgivemehp October 31

honeyhogger Omg yas

starsgivemehp IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE Originally I put it at that for shits and giggles and then I took a horoscope quiz for him and he got Scorpio so I checked the dates and lo and behold

honeyhogger Paps is January 20th but boi does he wish it was 4/20 Omg that's awesome

starsgivemehp pfft starsgivemehp ikr Red makes a PRETTY ACCURATE SCORPIO APPARENTLY starsgivemehp (Boss is a Leo) starsgivemehp And his nameday is August 7 Purple Heart day because soldier

honeyhogger Awww Okay so this is crazy I literally just spewed out January 20th randomly just now But then I was like "I should take a zodiac test like that for pap and see!" honeyhogger And I just did and got Capricorn Guess what the last date for Capricorn is January 20th Holy fuck

starsgivemehp niiice but does it suit him?honeyhogger Absolutely

starsgivemehp huhuhuhu

honeyhogger THE CAPRICORN BODY PART IS BONES AND TEETH IM DYING honeyhogger "How to Spot Them: Distinctive jaw, strong teeth, wise look in the eyes" Wow

starsgivemehp LOL nice

honeyhogger"The Capricorn is the strong friend, they will always be there to help, they are very sympathetic, caring and helpful to a friend in need. A Capricorn will get someone back on their feet again with a steady plan for success and for all this, they expect nothing in return. The Capricorn friend is deep and mysterious and full of intrigue, there always seems to be something going on in their mind." That's pretty accurate yup honeyhogger Wow the accurate descriptions don't stop "Capricorn Astrology December 22 – January 19 Capricorn Strength Keywords: responsible patient ambitious resourceful loyal Capricorn Weakness Keywords: dictatorial inhibited conceited distrusting unimaginative Capricorn and Independence: Capricorns are very independent because they know their capabilities and therefore they rarely trust others to finish details, they like to do it all themselves. Capricorn is the longer of all zodiac signs. Capricorn and Friendship: The Capricorn is the strong friend, they will always be there to help, they are very sympathetic, caring and helpful to a friend in need. A Capricorn will get someone back on their feet again with a steady plan for success and for all this, they expect nothing in return. The Capricorn friend is deep and mysterious and full of intrigue, there always seems to be something going on in their mind. Capricorn and Business: The Capricorn personality is geared towards that of leadership and achievement, they always want to climb the corporate ladder and be the best they can be. Capricorns have excellent sense of time and manage it very well, they are excellent organizers. Capricorns are very creative, not spontaneously creative but it is incorporated into their time management skills and their ideas for executing a plan. Capricorns make good, wise investments because they look at the long term and what will be the most beneficial down the road. Capricorn and Temperament: Capricorns might seem melancholy and stern because they live by self-discipline and responsibility. They evaluate everything and they don't take daring chances without weighing the advantages and disadvantages first. To the onlooker, they might seem boring but it is the serious drive and structured way of life that the Capricorn feels safe with. Capricorn's self-sufficiency is often mistook for coldness, they are not as cold as they seem, this might be apparent just because Capricorns like to do everything themselves this way there is no worry about something not finished or not done properly. It is all about control of their surroundings and their daily lives and sometimes this spills into other people's lives. They believe they can give structure and organize other people's lives too, which they can but others might see this as intrusive and not welcome the Capricorn's suggested changes. According to Capricorn, there is only a right way and a wrong way to do things and this idea makes some Capricorns closed minded, stubborn and reluctant to agree with others. This is an ongoing lesson for Capricorns, knowing that there is more then one way of doing things and even though their way is usually right, it does not mean that they have to impose their ways on others."

starsgivemehp niiice

honeyhogger "Capricorns make it difficult to get close emotionally because once they let someone in, they do not want to let them go and emotional connection makes them feel vulnerable yet satisfied at he same time. This is an ongoing internal conflict of contradictions inside the Capricorn's mind." "Capricorns are very self contained and they have many faces they present to the world, they are known as aloof and indifferent but this is them concealing themselves from the world, unfortunately, they may never know who they really are. This causes feelings of insecurity and causes them to question their own self worth" honeyhogger"Capricorns most important need is security, financial and material security. This is the driving force behind their ambitious character and all other personality traits of desire to succeed. They are very concerned with their public standing and their prestige. Capricorns are loners but they also need to feel appreciated, but they are excellent at hiding this truth. "

starsgivemehp AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST' I JUST FOUND A THING AHASHFYAGAFQE

honeyhogger "Capricorns have this sense of melancholy and necessity for structure and work because inside they feel they are unworthy and need to continuously prove their worth. Once they realize that all they need is self-love, door will open and they will see the world in a new light, one that allows for pleasure and guilt-free fun" Omg wha Also sorry for the spam this is kinda blowing my mind

starsgivemehp lol no probem THE BODY PART FOR SCORPIO Body Part: Crotch, reproductive organs

honeyhogger OMF

starsgivemehp BEAUTIFUL

honeyhogger also paps date is perfect cause he's right on the edge between Capricorn and Aquarius Guess what Aquarius' traits are "Positive Qualities of Aquarius : Truthfulness, Just, Curious, Affectionate Personality, Frank and Imaginative. Negative Qualities of Aquarius : Unpredictable, Detachment, Tendency to go off-track, and Inefficiency. Possible Health Concerns: The Aquarius-born people must be very careful of any kind of addiction."

starsgivemehp Oh?niiice also kinda matches Red but I'm happy with Scorpio

honeyhogger This is

starsgivemehp Scorpio Strength Keywords: - Loyal - Passionate - Resourceful - Observant - Dynamic Scorpio Weakness Keywords: - Jealous - Obsessive - Suspicious - Manipulative - Unyielding

honeyhogger Kinda blowing my mind Bro that's PERFECT

starsgivemehp Scorpio and Friendship: Relationships with Scorpio are always complicated, just like the person, their relationships are a series of extremes, they can even be downright moody for no apparent reason. Scorpios are known for their possessiveness and jealousy but on the other hand, they are extremely loyal. Scorpios have an excellent memory and combined with an inability to let things go, they can hold a grudge against someone who did them harm forever, in fact a Scorpio rarely if never forgives and forgets. They will even go as far as get vengeance on the person. On the other hand, they will always remember a kind gesture forever and repay it. Any kind selfless gesture done to a Scorpio will gain trust and respect which is extremely important to them in any relationship, either romantic or not. The best advice is to be honest with a Scorpio friend and in return, you will gain an amazing friend you will never forget and who will be loyal to you and never make false promises. Their truthful and shocking sense of humor if different than that of any other zodiac sign and the Scorpio makes an amazing, powerful interesting friend that can be trusted.Scorpio and Business: Scorpios make excellent doctors, surgeons, scientists and leaders, they are perfectly suited to any form of business that makes a difference in the world, greatly impacts people and society and a most importantly, Scorpio has to be in a power position, this is why these careers are suited to the Scorpio, they all demand one person in supreme control giving orders and leading a unit of people/practices. In business, Scorpios tend to easily gather wealth, they make very wise business decisions and they are very conservative about spending their money. Scorpios are known for making money and hiding it, they will not announce it due to to fear that others will take the same route and becoming a possible competitor, or worse try to use the Scorpio to their advantage to use them for their money.

starsgivemehp Scorpio and Temperament: Scorpios are extremely ambitious, persistent and determined which is shown through a power hungry, controlling attitude. Not in a stubborn sense however, because a Scorpio will work for what they want and control will justified reasons. This is obvious to any onlooker. A Scorpio never gives up, they are so determined to reach their goal. The key to this success is their flexibility. They are able to re-survey a situation and take a different approach if necessary. This makes them very adaptable and versatile. Scorpios are fierce competitors, combined with their powers of observation and their excellent memory, they will recall facts and when necessary, bring them to the table at the time of need. They will win justly, with proper facts and arguments to support their thoughts and opinions. Scorpios are excellent at restoring order to a chaotic situation and they are just as capable of manipulating for their own greed and benefit. The un-evolved Scorpio is a very dangerous person because they use their powers to benefit only them and step on other people in order to satisfy their own greed.Scorpio Deep Inside: Scorpio is the most misunderstood of all astrology signs. They are all about intensity and contradictions. They like to be aware of a situation and always know what's going on, figuring this out with their probing mind They are very capable of hiding their true feelings and motivations, they often have ulterior motives or a hidden agenda. Scorpios are all about control, they need to be in control at all times. To be out of control is very threatening, even dangerous to the Scorpio's psyche, when they control, they feel safe.Scorpio is the astrology sign of extremes and intensity. Scorpios are very deep, intense people, there is always more then meets the eye. They present a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. Scorpios have a very penetrative mind, do not be surprised if they ask questions, they are trying to delve deeper and figure things out and survey the situation. They always want to know why, where and any other possible detail they can possibly know.The Scorpio man is easy to seduce and take home for the night, it is much harder to form a real relationship with him.

honeyhogger You're using the same site I did pffft

starsgivemehp THISISSOACCURATE lol

honeyhogger Also omg look Summary of Capricorn compatibility. The most compatible signs with Capricorn are generally considered to be Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio and Pisces

starsgivemehp YEEEE

honeyhogger This is amazing

starsgivemehp Color: Dark red

starsgivemehp huehue If there is a sign Scorpio can trust, it is the sign of Capricorn. Even though Capricorn representatives don’t have to be that honest at all, their relationship with this direct and honest partner will make them feel like they should be as honest as possible too. In general, they get each other’s need for silence and patiently approach each other until each of them opens up. This can open the door for a respectful communication and intellectual understanding that lasts for a very long time, if they learn to control all the negative convictions that surface when they are together.

honeyhogger Paps color is blue and that's perfect cause sans

starsgivemehp The biggest problem in a relationship between a Scorpio and a Capricorn is their emotional contact, simply because they both tend to have emotional problems, dismissing how they feel by dismissing the Moon. When they start their relationship, they will both give the impression of people who stand with their feet firmly on the ground, strong and rough when needed. They will rarely notice that this brings out the expectation to always be the strong person who they were in the beginning, and making them force things on themselves they are not ready for only to avoid showing any weakness. A lot of deep, emotional understanding is needed for them not to be forced to move even further from their life goal to find emotional balance. huhuhu It is truly interesting to watch this couple share values with such a difficult relation to Venus and the term of value itself. Scorpio is the sign of Venus’ detriment and Capricorn brings a lot of guilt into it, so their combination of values is basically founded on feelings of guilt and the sense that nothing is ever good enough. Even though this will be a good motivation for them to get better, every day, it is quite difficult to deal with in a healthy, loving relationship in which they should both discover they are good enough. !!!!!! ^ ^ ^

honeyhogger Oh My god honeyhogger That's blowing my mind rn

starsgivemehp I KNOW RIGHT OMG

honeyhogger I'm SHOOK

starsgivemehp THIS IS AMAZING

honeyhogger OH MY GOD LOOK Capricorn and Scorpio compatibility is strong when it comes to sexual attraction, with Capricorn’s sensual nature being a good match for Scorpio’s depth of passion and sexuality. If anyone can turn sensible, sober Capricorn into a hot bed of steamy ardour, it’s Scorpio! A physical connection is essential for Scorpio, and Capricorn compatibility depends on this too, with Capricorn being an earth sign.Away from the bedroom, however, this is quite a serious relationship. Both Scorpio and Capricorn are thoughtful, reserved signs, with not much time for the superficial and the trivial in life. While this does make for an intense relationship, it also means the couple lack a safety vale – if they could develop other interests and hobbies away from their relationship, they would be able to give one another much needed space at times of stress. For Scorpio and Capricorn, compatibility in love means taking on responsibilities, towards one another and towards their eventual family – which they shoulder very well indeed, but there’s not always as much joy as there could be.

starsgivemehp omg

honeyhogger OH MY GOD THIS IS EVEN BETTER LOOK honeyhogger When they do argue, this couple’s differences in manner are clearly exposed. Scorpio will rage and seethe and brood and sulk and try everything in the Sorcerer’s book to get a reaction from Capricorn. The wise old Sage, infuriatingly for Scorpio, will merely look on, nod, shrug and walk away, meeting Scorpio’s anger with cool indifference. It’s perhaps fortunate for Capricorn and Scorpio compatibility that the causes for arguments are surprisingly few and far between for this couple. They share a similar approach to money, parenting, sex, fidelity, career and social life, so apart from those power struggles mentioned above the mismatched drama of an argument shouldn’t occur too often.For this couple, a relatively stable and secure relationship is on the cards, with every chance of a life long match. To outsiders, the sexy, magnetic Sorcerer and the reserved, sensible Sage may have little in common, but it’s the shared interests, mutual respect and depth of understanding between the two of them which help to bring Capricorn and Scorpio compatibility to life. When these two collaborate, much as you might imagine if a mythical Sage and Sorcerer work together, there is little which can prevent their happiness. This is insane This is them TO A FUCKING T

starsgivemehp I KNOW HOLY FUCKING SHIT

honeyhogger WE ARE UNINTENTIONALLY AMAZING

starsgivemehp I KNOW RIGHT AHHHHHH PSYCHIC POWERS I TELL YOU

honeyhogger LITERALLYCOSMIC POWERS IN THIS CASE

honeyhogger I really need to go to bed now lol but my GOD I'm gonna be thinking about this forever honeyhogger I'm still shook And giddy

starsgivemehp lololol Yes go to sleep <3

honeyhogger❤️😘

starsgivemehp <3 <3 <3 Night! Kissu!

honeyhogger We fkn slay boi it great Night night

starsgivemehp fuck yeah

honeyhogger❤️❤️❤️💤 Also feel free to post this convo or talk about it XD

[starlillies]

lucaya fic where maya goes missing and lucas is a mess

so this prompt is really old so im very sorry about that. this monster of a drabble is a gm triangle au, bc we all know the whole maya identity crises arc was handled terribly, so this is my attempt to fix it, it takes place a few hours after maya said “you want me to go home? i’ll go home.”

“Dude, you need to decide.”

“Look, I,” he hesitated. “I think I know who I choose. I just need to talk to them.”

The boys approached the Matthew’s front door, not the window, upon Zay’s insistence. Lucas was once again baffled by the fact that they kept their front door unlocked. They walked in to see Cory and Topanga … and Katy?

“Uh, hi,” Lucas said, rubbing the back of his neck. He really didn’t need all of the parents to be here for this. “I need to talk to the girls.”

“They’re in Riley’s room,” Katy said, raising an eyebrow.

As Lucas made his way up the stairs he could hear Cory sputtering.

“You just sent him to my daughter’s room!”

“Don’t worry sir, he’s in there all the time.”

Zay needed to learn how to keep his big mouth shut. Lucas shook his head and knocked on Riley’s door.

“Come in.”

Riley had changed into her pajamas and was sprawled out on her bed reading their English assignment. She lit up when she saw him.

“Lucas!”

“Hi,” he said, glancing around the room in confusion. “Is Maya in the bathroom?”

Riley’s face fell and she looked down at her nails. “No, we had a bit of a disagreement. She went home.”

“But, her mom is still in your kitchen.” Riley’s head popped up.

“She is?”

“Yeah, and she thought Maya was up here. How long ago did she leave?”

Riley shrugged. “A few hours ago I guess.”

Lucas’ heart skipped a beat. “No one’s heard from her for hours? And no one was concerned?”

He was texting Maya before he finished his sentence. Riley’s mouth opened and shut and then she texted her too. Lucas was halfway down the stairs before she had gotten off of her bed, his phone pressed to his ear.

“C’mon, pick up pick up pick up.”

The chatter at the table died down as they heard the pair coming down.

“What’s going on?” Katy asked. “Where’s Maya?”

Riley looked at her sheepishly as Lucas cursed and redialed Maya’s number.

“We don’t know.”

­­­­­­­­­­­­

“Lucas, dude you gotta calm down.”

“How can I calm down? Maya is missing. It’s been hours since anyone heard from her and her phone is going straight to voicemail and Riley said when she left she was upset and—”

“Lucas.” Farkle grabbed him by his shoulders. “Katy went to check their apartment and she’s calling Shawn and Kermit. Riley went with Cory to check all of Maya’s favorite places and Topanga is talking to the police. We’re gonna find her.”

Lucas ran a hand through his hair and paced around Riley’s room. He hadn’t sat down or even really breathed since they realized Maya was gone.

“But what if something happened to her? What if someone took her? Oh my—someone actually could have kidnapped her. What if we never see her again? What if I never see her and get to—”

He froze. Zay raised an eyebrow. “Never get to what?”

“Nothing,” he sighed. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m just worried about her.”

“I know man. We all are.” Zay stood and put a hand on Lucas’ shoulder comfortingly.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna work. I’m getting him a Xanax.”

Zay pointed after Farkle. “That is a great idea. Try not to,” he motioned widely with his arms, “damage anything.”

Just like that Lucas was alone. He took a deep breath and dropped onto the edge of Riley’s bed. He shut his eyes to try and calm himself down, but all it did was bring up the image of Maya—her hair and her smile and the way her eyes shone when she called him Ranger Rick and—

“Huckleberry?”

Lucas’ head snapped up to see Maya kneeling, half inside the window. Her feet barely hit the ground before he had swept her up into a hug so tight that she had to turn her head to the side just to breathe.

Maya’s heart began to race as soon as he touched her—she hoped he couldn’t tell. She had taken off her jacket and he had taken off his button up and there was more skin-to-skin contact than she had ever experienced with him. It made her feel warm all over. She had never been this close to him, and the last time she was even near this close to him was—

Thinking of Texas would not do her any good right now.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Riley?”

“Looking for you,” he said, finally releasing her. She looked up at him, her mind fuzzy.

“Looking for me?”

“Maya, no one knew where you were. Your mom thought you were still here and Riley thought you were at home and you weren’t answering your phone and I—we were all worried about you.”

Maya felt her face flush and she looked away. “I turned my phone off. I didn’t really want to talk to anybody.” Then, almost imperceptibly, “To Riley.”

Lucas’ face softened. “Riley mentioned you guys had a disagreement. What happened? You guys never fight.”

She took a deep breath. “Today in art class Mr. Jackson said some things about my art, about me not having a voice or whatever. And it—it didn’t sit well with Riley I guess. We came back here and she started saying how I wasn’t me anymore because I was behaving and getting good grades and that kind of stuff, and then she told her parents and they brought my mom into it and,” she paused. She had grown quieter with every word she spoke. “They all agreed with her. They said I was … broken.”

“Maya—”

Maya waved a hand dismissively. “And then Riley got it in her head that not only was I not me anymore, but that I had turned into her. Because of our outfits and our hair and you.”

His face fell. Had he caused this? Had his inability to choose driven the girls apart? He tried to meet her eyes but she kept them directed at her hands as she picked at her nails.

“Well, I thought it was stupid and I was angry. So I left and I turned my phone off and I went back to school.”

“You were at school?” He asked incredulously. Of course she would have gone to the one place no one would ever expect to find her. She chuckled.

“Yeah. I knew that Mr. Jackson kept the art room open after hours and I wanted to see if Riley was right, if I had really lost myself. So I tried painting for a bit, and then Mr. Jackson came in. We talked and he said he had taken another look at my painting and that he loved it.”

“That’s great!” Maya made a face. “Not great?”

“Not really. He said it just had to be looked at from farther away and,” she took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “It was a purple cat. I painted a purple cat, Lucas. Riley’s right—I turned into her.”

Maya looked so small and so hurt and so defeated and it broke Lucas’ heart. He grabbed one of her hands and made sure she was looking at him.

“Maya, look at me. Riley was not right. You didn’t lose yourself and you definitely did not turn into her. First of all, it’s impossible to actually become someone else. Second of all, what was that lesson Mr. Matthews taught us, the one about the secret of life?”

“People change people,” she said softly. Lucas smiled.

“Right. People change people. You saw it with me, didn’t you? I used to be angry and violent, but meeting you guys changed that. You guys changed me for the better. You didn’t become Riley, you’ve just been influenced by her. You haven’t gotten detention in a while because you matured and you realized what was appropriate and what was crossing the line. You started getting good grades because we’re in high school and grades are important and because it feels good. Maya, we all saw how happy you were when you got that A in Spanish.”

There were tears in Maya’s eyes but she laughed.

“Just because you’ve changed doesn’t mean you’re not you. Everybody changes, especially when their teenagers. But you are still you. You still make fun of Mr. Matthews and you still make jokes in class and you still pretend to hate school. You still defend your friends no matter what and help them no matter what. You still talk to the homeless man in the subway station near your apartment and give him a dollar or leftovers whenever you can.”

The tears in her eyes began to fall and Lucas brought his other hand up to wipe them away, lingering on her cheek.

“You are still you because you are still sassy and funny and selfless and kind, and I know that because those are all only some of the things I like about you. You’re Maya, and Maya is amazing.”

Maya looked at him like he was the only other person in the world—in that moment, he was. They both knew that in the past few minutes something big had changed between the two of them.

“Do you feel a little better now?”

She nodded and smiled. “Yeah. Thank you.”

Lucas wouldn’t stop looking at her in a way that made her feel something and she knew if she didn’t do something to stop him he might do something she wasn’t ready for. She wiped at her eyes.

“Now we can figure out this stupid triangle thing.”

Lucas shook his head. “What is there to figure out?”

“What do you mean?” Maya asked. Had he seriously forgotten about the disaster that had been the past few months?

“Maya, do you really think, after all of that, that I’m not gonna choose you?”

Her eyes widened and she blinked owlishly. He laughed and tugged on her hand.

“Come on, let’s go let everyone know you’re ok.”

Riley backed away from the door quickly, hurrying into her bathroom and shutting the door. She was ok. Well, she would be, and when Lucas picked Maya, she would be ready.

[randomlettersthatiwillneversend]

unsent 4

dear dr. bowman, 

why do you think it’s ok to perpetuate racism in the facade of addressing it? why the fuck do you think it’s funny and ok to repeat your racist stories to the class and expect everyone to be ok with it? you literally recall a story with a STUDENT where you are explaining something that he did wrong during a checkoff and he wasn’t giving you the response you wanted and you thought to yourself, “oh, it’s because he’s Asian” HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU LITERALLY SAY THAT AND THINK, “THAT’S OK TO SAY”. and then you literally also say that you’ve probably offended many people, but whatever. YES. YOU HAVE OFFENDED MANY PEOPLE. one of them including YOUR OWN FUCKING STUDENT. and that’s ok!? How can you be a fucking professor that has been teaching for multiple years and produce future caretakers with this mindset? you are literally doing the exact opposite of showing cultural sensitivity. you are perpetuating stereotypes and you are showing off your racism and you think its ok? AND THEN YOU FUCKING SAY, oh it’s not me making these stereotypes, I got it from this book. AS IF THAT MAKES IT ANY BETTER. and have you even seen that book???? it literally has the cover of a fucking americanized spanish language teaching book. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK that book will give you any insight on how cultural differences work? PLUS, i haven’t even heard of ANY of these so called differences in my culture. so obviously someone is doing something wrong. and i’m pretty sure it isn’t my culture. The thing is that so many white people are like, “i don’t know how it would be any better!!” OH REALLY? it is very easy to make it better, here are 4 options: 1. don’t teach the fucking material, you white colonizer. 2. if you are going to teach the material, ACKNOWLEDGE that you are white and you don’t know what you are talking about, but realize that it could be wrong and be open to learning. 3. EDUCATE YOUR FUCKING SELF, learn the reasons as to WHY these cultural differences exist. NOTHING EXISTS JUST BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING COLOR OF MY SKIN, except your racist ass brain. 4. FIND A PERSON OF COLOR THAT IS APART OF THAT CULTURE AND HAVE THEM TEACH IT. it’s that simple. there I solved the white people’s inability to think beyond themselves. OH and what possible made you think that this information was accurate and ok to share? I understand that your intentions were good (i assume), but how are ANY of these ‘cultural differences’ MEDICALLY RELEVANT. let me answer that for you, THEY AREN’T. there are many other culturally differences that would actually impact us as physical therapists and how we would interact with out patients. BUT NO, you decided to talk about the specific differences regarding the ‘rocker’ sign or whatever the fuck that is called. HOW DOES THAT APPLY TO US? besides the fact that you thought it was cool or funny? NO APPLICATION whatsoever. also, check yourself!! check your sources!!! YOU ARE AN EDUCATOR, at least make sure these things are appropriate and accurate. IT IS SIMPLE TO MAKE A TOPIC THAT IS RELEVANT, ACCURATE AND APPROPRIATE. it is not hard. think critically for once. and ask yourself, would I offend someone, if the answer is even close to a “yes” FIND OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT. 

.

OH MORE PROBLEMS YOU SAY? 

when a female student asks “what should we do when a male patient makes an insensitive comment at you”. the response SHOULD be, report it and try to see if you can get swapped to a different patient, or SOMETHING that is useful. NOT “oh, I would just turn the other cheek and ignore it”. right, i just love a professor that perpetuates the harassment culture. i know youre from the fucking south and im sure youre used to it. BUT THAT’S NOT OK. IT IS NOT OK FOR SOMEONE TO BE HARASSED IN THE WORKPLACE NO MATTER BY WHO. Why do you think it is okay? to protect the patients ego? to maintain that pretty nice girl? fuck all that shit. people need to be held accountable for what they say and what they do, no matter if they are an amputee or a healthy ass. 

Also, why do like to say “not to be political” and then get fucking political. WHY? Making the fucking comment of how you and your white ass husband took a stroll around all of richmond taking pictures of the fucking statues in case they were gonna be taken down. and then giving your input on how you think the statues shouldn’t be taken down. RIGHT. I just love how you are a racist. I just LOVE IT. love how you decided to bring the racism into a discussion that LITERALLY no one prompted. you just had to speak your opinion when no one asked for it like a TYPICAL fucking white person. 

.

AND to the peer who knew that there’s a problem but didn’t know how to address it,

That’s the problem right there. If you know that there is a problematic professor with an extremely insensitive lecture and nothing has been done about it, you are compliant. You know that you don’t know how to make it better and then you say that you probably can’t make it better. That shows me that you don’t care. And with that kind of message, you are showing me that you are responding for the sake of responding. Not responding to actually find a way to make it better. If you wanted to actually make it better, ask, “how can I help?” Ask, “what can I do?” Ask, “how does this make you feel?” DON’T fucking respond with your white guilt and say “sorry, I can’t help you”. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO INITIATE CHANGE? Don’t sit on top of your white privilege and pity me. Get the fuck down and help the marginalized people that you call your so called ‘friends’. 

[akakailisiandrago-blog]

Expression

ex·pres·sionikˈspreSHən/

noun

noun:

expression

; plural noun:

expressions

1.the process of making known one's thoughts or feelings."his views found expression in his moral sermons"synonyms:utterance, uttering, voicing, pronouncement, declaration, articulation, assertion, setting forth; More

2.the look on someone's face that conveys a particular emotion."a sad expression"synonyms:look, appearance, air, manner, countenance, mien"an expression of harassed fatigue"

3.a word or phrase, especially an idiomatic one, used to convey an idea."nowhere is the expression “garbage in, garbage out” any truer"synonyms:idiom, phrase, idiomatic expression; More

4.the production of something, especially by pressing or squeezing it out."essential oils obtained by distillation or expression"synonyms:squeezing, pressing, extraction, extracting"essential oils obtained by expression"

5.GENETICSthe appearance in a phenotype of a characteristic or effect attributed to a particular gene.

the conveying of feeling in the face or voice, in a work of art, or in the performance of a piece of music."eyes empty of expression"synonyms:emotion, feeling, spirit, passion, intensity; More

MATHEMATICSa collection of symbols that jointly express a quantity."the expression for the circumference of a circle is 2πr"

the process by which possession of a gene leads to the appearance in the phenotype of the corresponding character.noun: gene expression; plural noun: gene expressions

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A word that has made itself known to me for the last 6 weeks.... the word EXPRESSION is quite elaborately expressing itself in my life lately.

First it was a sore throat. For weeks. At first I thought it was, well, just a sore throat. Maybe too much gym? Too much drinking? Too much hanging around other sick people?

I tried everything. It would go away, temporarily, and then come back. I dont think I was sick sick, just this, sore throat.  I started to question it. And then my friend Krista and I pulled some healer angel guide cards and the one I got that day was suffering. It was a warning to be careful. But that whatever hurt, pain and suffering I might feel physically, could lead me to recluse in order to heal. 

I told her about my sore throat and then said, maybe it was a Throat Chakra blockage. Only half kidding. And then I looked it up....

“ Throat Chakra Blockage

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence. Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage: You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

chronic sore throat

frequent headaches

dental issues

mouth ulcers

hoarseness

thyroid problems

laryngitis

Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)

neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

fear of speaking

inability to express thoughts

shyness

inconsistency in speech and actions

social anxiety

inhibited creativity

stubbornness

detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.

Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.

Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment. 

http://www.chakras.info/throat-chakra-blockage/

All of this was totally relational to me. I felt right at home in that damn webpage. I had the AH HA! moment even. But then the question was, how the HELL DO I MAKE IT ALL STOP! How do I FIX THIS?

Krista’s gave me some crystals that seemed to help....

But there was more, there still IS more. SO much more. 

My first day in Sydney I found myself drawn into the ONE stone/crystal/psychic tarot card reader shop in all of the WestField Mall. And if you know anything about Westfield malls.... in Sydney, then you know what I mean. Not long into mosey-ing around the store I felt myself drawn to aquamarine - I mean, I knew it was my birthstone, but I read the card and felt like it was the one. So I grabbed three raw stones all of beautiful symmetric shapes. Mosey-ed around a little more and came up to the counter. Teagon - the young woman working - grabbed this smooth, round stone that had a hole carved into it. Beautiful light blue with darker blue waves, like the ocean. She said - Here, hold this up to your throat for a moment. - So I did. I felt a rush of emotion move through me. But it started in the lump of my throat that burst into tears after asking her why she felt I needed that stone there. Her reply - I felt some type of blockage there, something about your expression....  Blue lace agate, this stone, is very good for clearing that. ---

And that was it, just like a tidal wave, I burst into tears. She just hugged me. I think she does that kind of thing on the daily. She doesnt need to know if she is right or wrong. Shes just there, dressed in all white, like a perfect messenger angel. 

Left that mall with all I needed.

Later I decided to look up the deeper meanings of aquamarine. Low and behold - the ultimate throat chakra healing stone. Who would have thought! I guess im pretty in tune with what I need too. ;-) But.. was this giong to fix all my “expression/throat chakra blockage/public speaking/need to be heard problems”?

Since then, the term expression for me has come up several more times.

Ill have to add in all the details later. But fast forward to tonight.

Here I am, in Bali, and a friend I have been feeling the need to connect with, walks right into the same restaurant where I am eating. Just like that. Granted I knew he was in Bali, but I did NOT tell him where I was eating. We get to talking, and through everything said, the final answer is that our purpose in life is to express ourselves. That is the GOD CREATION and CREATOR. He said he realized this through his own struggle with expression. And then I realized later tonight, after I got home, that it wasn’t about the answer, or the fact that he had been there. It was exactly what he said when he first sat down... That he was there for me. He was meant to be there for me. 

So what - What with all of this. Well, funny thing is. I still dont know. I am not quite sure where I belong, where I fit in, if i fit in at all or if im even meant to, but right now, thats ok and I dont need a clear answer. I think the path has made itself know and its all about EXPRESSION. 

And so.... Here I go....

[worldtravelingheart]

Put your iPod on shuffles and write about the ten first songs you hear.

Mountain Side- Beardyman

Casualty of Love - Jessi J

Broken Glass - Sia

Superstition - Stevie Wonder

Gypsy Woman - Hilary duff

Please don’t leave me - Pink

Since you’re gone - The Pretty Reckless

Just Dance - Lady Gaga

Don’t Speak - No doubt

4 minute- Boyce avenue

The moment the music starts playing my body tunes in. Beardyman always has the ability to make me observe. Either inwardly or outwardly but I start to see. I check in with my shoulders, my neck, my lower back, adjusting my posture. Closing my eyes I breathe in. “helpless in love” the lyrics say as the music quiets and I reopen my eyes. “On a mountainside i chose to hide my feelings, I have nothing more to give you love, trust is fleeting” I smile. Truer words for the situation could not resonate louder. Trust. One of the biggest skills I want to learn this year. “Dark clouds above” the song repeats as the music fades, before a slow crescendo. My ears now hear different words, though i think its an interpretation “At last it’s love” the crescendo culminate to then descrendo softly fading. Silence and the world around me buzzes in my ears. The Soft Piano of Casualty of Love plays. This song makes me smile, because when it came out, it made me so hopeful. “Just follow the beat, the rhythm will lead you back to me…its a game of give and take… have a little faith” It just makes me believe that Love does exist. Yes. With a capital L. The rhythm and vocals remind me of a tug of war. an internal fight, like the one i live daily, between “ Yes i am worthy, Yes I am amazing, Yes I can do this!” and the “ You can’t do this. You are not worthy. You are useless. “ I think what people often forget, or don’t realise is that this duality can create numbness. That how i feel on a regular basis. Like I am going through the motions. So, I make lists, plans, and when it comes down to it… I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything. The song faded on the song title name. Loud and unfamiliar tones chyme. “ I don't want to fight anymore” the lyrics say, in Sia’s iconic voice. She’s right, I don’t. “Im not discarding you like broken glass… Don’t give up” words i need to hear. Words I repeat to myself daily. This song is a love song, as many are. Sometimes i just need to remind myself that i need to love myself, every inch, every freckle, every hair to really truly accept and love someone else. How could i possible expect to love someone fully until then. I think that may be why i push people away, or i don't let them in. Then i get annoyed that they don't try to get in. I guess you need to be open for people to get in. What do you do when you have spent your whole life closing and locking and building walls. Key Change. “there are no winners when the die is cast, only tears when its the final chance… Don’t give up” key changes are funny, the cheap “ Now this is important” alert in a song. pop songs abuse it. but it started with classical music… fade out. a funky little bass, a smile on my face. Superstition. A song I sing with Gravity all the time, well,  I used to. I don’t know if the band will last the year. Ben, is still not well, I really hope he gets better soon for his sake. Jon is as insecure and selfish as ever. I should have never dated him. His insecurities with ruin the band which was the most important thing to me. I would never regret and experience because it teaches you lessons, but I am seriously annoyed with his inability to be honest and just not keep coming back; and then just not be able to move on like i have. We are too good of a band for him to go and ruin it. I need to start looking for new musical outlets, maybe a new band, or at least a guitarist. I also need to get back into playing piano. I need to get a weighted keyboard. This song always drags on i find. Its too much of the same for it to be so succesful. I mean i love Stevie Wonder, but… it’s not that amazing. the lyrics are…. bland and not really consequential… yet this is such a hit. Why? The bass riff and brass fade out slowly and it just reminds me of how awkward i feel on stage when the guys are jamming to this and I'm just standing there looking like an idiot. ha. maybe i feel like an idiot. new song. I don’t really understand why i have this song on my iPod apart from a legacy appreciation for hilary duff. She doesn't have a particularly good vocal ability, he producers are… ok and the song doesn't really say much. But i do relate. Gypsy woman. Someone who never stays put, someone who disapears, someone mysterious. All things that have described me. People have often said that there is something in my eyes and walk. I don't understand it. Sometimes i wish I could see myself the way people see me. To see what people see in me. Someone often talks about a light i have in me. Something visible to others. I always assumed it was like an aura or something. They always said it was white. Song change. Please don't leave me. Pink is one of my favourite female vocalists, and celebrities in general. This song, is heartbreaking and honest. She wrote it during her divorce to her current husband. They divorced and got back together and have a new born son now along with their daughter.  “cant you tell this is just a contest, the one who wins is the one who hits the hardest, and baby i don't mean it, i mean it, i promise”. “I always say how i don't need you, but its always going to come back to this: please don't leave me” This song speaks to the emotional abuse we sometimes give the ones we love. It reminds me of my mom. When i was a teenager and after i was abused, and even before, i was just angry. i was alone, and i was going through so many things that felt so unsupported. I said awful things to her. And in hindsight, she was going through so many things that were hurting her, my father cheating, her own suicidal depression and dealing with my depressed and oblivious cruel grandmother. Song change. Screeching guitar. Slapped bass. Pretty Reckless. I love them. A break up song, my iPod seems to have a theme. This is the kind of song that you write when you truly aren't over someone but you will happily parade everything that is going well in your life in front of this ex. I don't often do that. I like to quietly move on. I wont lie, i don't like knowing the person moved one quicker than i did. Like Jon when i found out he'd been speaking to the girl he is now with the whole time we were dating. It just seems disingenuous… I suppose I am doing the same thing in a way. But i am in a situation where i have only know the two people a very short amount of time.

Song change. Just dance. Lady Gaga. One of my favourite female pop vocalists along side pink. Gaga has a musical evolution that i admire. She first started doing things like other, to make people listen, then created a community, somewhere people like her, misfits, victims of abuse, and anyone who felt different could revel in her music and lyrics. and now, with her newest album, she opened up and spoke about her pain, her truth. She used to live across the street to my new york apartment. I saw her twice from the window. People from school would crowd around her. I wish i had met her. On a normal day. Just to relate. to be around someone who can consistently create. Which is something i wish i could do. But i think i’ve realised I am an interpreter rather than a creator. It makes me sad. Even listening to such a happy carefree song, I am just… sad. Because I probably am not a creator. My hands froze as i contemplated that sentence. my stomach sank. More re-reading that sentence. “you’re gunna be ok” the lyrics say. Yes, I guess I will. I just need to stop being so scared. maybe i do need to just dance. Ha, familiar chords of no doubt play. No doubt. I wish… I wish i never doubted. I wish i knew what i was doing. “it looks as though you are letting go”… out of context those words resonate. I am not listening to her lyrics but more the musicality of the song. I was never a fan of Gwen’s voice. but its unique. She never wrote music, and then did, became a huge success and is where she is now. So, maybe things are possible.

I watch the curser flash waiting for another letter. something else to add to that. Maybe things Are possible. I just don’t know where or when, yet. listening to the guitars riff before the final crescendo…. my hands hurt from the constant typing… “don’t speak, don’t tell me because it hurts, i know what your thinking, i don't want you reasons” sometimes i need to tell my mind that. stop speaking. i don't need it. don't tell me because it hurts.

Familiar guitar notes. This is a song, i never particularly enjoyed from madonna, redone by a band i love, boyce avenue. Madonna however has always had such a power behind her. another abuse victim. someone who's shown she can push through no matter what. I want to live to that level. I don’t know if I can yet. I have survived this far I suppose. But i am so so so so sick of surviving. I want to live. What the hell does that even mean though?? how does one live? Making lists and ticking things off that list? i do that, but sometimes i stair at that list and i don’t know where or how to start and then the anxiety creeps up and i get overwhelmed and just want to hide away. 4 minutes to save the world. how petrifying. Can’t even think of the state of the world, that’s even worse. Playlist is over. I’ve been writing for ten continuous songs. My hands hurt… but the gentle lull from Mountainside starting again,lifts my spirits and brings a smile to my face. Everything will be ok. I will be ok.