#but once i go back home its just nothing
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desire-mona · 8 months ago
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can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.
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zebratimw · 2 months ago
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2021
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coldjustness-archive · 23 days ago
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Woke up thinking about Neve Gallus becoming more infamous than the family who left her behind.
#[ introspection ] its not what keeps me up at night. its not the quiet. i never could sleep once work gets in my head.#[ woke up thinking about 17-19 year old nev.e just starting out as they leave her ]#[ abandoned and shunned because she refused to leave with them ]#[ remember in movies and there was always the concept of that young questioner or reporter that trailed after important people#[ where she’s asking questions at a rapid fire before she loses them or gets shoved away and shove her away they do. ]#[ yeah at one time that was Neve ]#[ the scrawny nobody with nothing but a notebook and small writing pen and ink ignored by everyone#who lived in a shady little beat down apartment in the back of a forgotten alley#both ignored those in charge and her own people living in Docktown ]#[ dozens of those people she wanted to help turning her away too and telling her there was no point to it- to go home and leave them alone#[ Hal likely doesn't even remember the first time she showed up with nothing but the money she scraped up for the food that day ..#or maybe he does. that's why he doesn't take her seriously when she shows up (endearing wise) because he still#remembers that scrawny half starved detective who was hired for a job no one cared to take only stopping by there on#runs between her office and her bunk. ]#[ for me its funny also imagining this young neve- before she lost her leg- crossing paths with a young also nobody Rana standing guard#as a faceless foot soldier- who was nothing more than a suit of armor by the door with her fellows - watching this young detective#chase after her boss asking him questions no one dARED to ask and just thought she was either bold..or stupid.. maybe both. ]#[ the fact in Neve’s mind she’s still that girl. ]#[ still that little nobody who isn’t doing enough ]#[ ANYWAY! Neve Ga.llus feels today!! ]
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aroacettorney · 1 month ago
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love how ludger rejecting divinity means so fuckin little because even if he is not a "proper" god hes still the most op and successful character in the entire multiverse
#your statement means nothing to me; i have seen what power you already had#even his suffering is so meh once we know what happened to his siblings#hell. even flora arguably has had much worse than ludger lmfao#he has the power to change his own fate. she didnt even allow to have that.#and got stuck in her abusive family for 18+ damn years#until she got rescued by a mary sue who then lectured her about rebelling & fighting back against ur oppressors w ur own power#shes not you my dude. only one person in this multiverse is the gods' favorite princess and its certainly not her.#if not for the divinity you would have died in the damn imaginary space. you would have died by the time you reached *one month old*#u cant just use the power of gods left and right to achieve ur goals then say “acktually id prefer to be human” after you got what u want#u cant eat the cake and have it too. fuck offffff#where are the damn consequences for those divine interventions? for his “”self admitted crimes“”?#3 years in jail? solitary confinement? please. people w minor burglary crimes have had it worse in america.#EVEN THEN WHERE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THREE YEARS IN SOLITARY#WHAT IS SO HUMAN ABOUT COMING OUT OF IT UNSCATHED#gdi im so pissed @ sayrens writing decisions in aup#every sidestories chapter brings me closer to dethrone casey & become ludger cherishs no. 1 archnemesis#also ludger is lowkey a con mathematician bc real mathematicians would *show* their works#what even is the point of developing a work but hiding all the progress behind the scenes#what is the point of developing a character but always jumpskipping to the results#literally the explanation for every OP bs he pulled in aup is “ofco he can do that hes the goddamn ludger fucking cherish™️”#either show your proofs or take that thesis conclusion of yours and go home
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itsalwaysdark · 2 months ago
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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windupaidoneus · 3 months ago
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sorry if i am weirder than usual right now GRINS EVILLY but not too evilly. i dont know whats up with me today but its like a whole thing it might be the four hours of sleep if im honest
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pupkou · 7 months ago
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i’m literally going to **** ******
#i’ve been without T for a month or so because my doctor forgot to prescribe it again when my last prescription period was over bc she could#only prescribe it a year at a time. so i went in to do bloodwork because ive been having health problems like getting a light period and#PMDD a year and a half into being on T and it happened to be when she was supposed to represcribe which iwas like ok nice!#but she forgot to represcribe it so I was 2 weeks without it before I realized that hmm something probably happened#so I called her and she fixed it. then the pharmacy told me that they're out of stock. so I called them to find out when it'd be in stock.#then they said it's in stock but she prescribed me the 10mL bottle when my insurance doesn't cover that. so I called her again to fix that.#and she said that she didn't prescribe me that because why would she when my shots aren't even close to 1 mL? so I called the pharmacy#and they said yeah idk who said that it's wrong. your T will be ready later today. I go to pick it up and quite literally the moment I pull#up to the window the pharmacists pull down the shade that says they're closed on lunch. so ive had horrible mental health and physical symp#oms for the past month because I've been without t right? so I thought okay when I come back home from moving out of my apt#because my pharmacy is in my hometown; then ill get my T. and then once I get my T I can start my new medication because I want my levels t#stabilize before we introduce something new into the ecosystem. and im cleaning my apartment today and going through bags and shit and lo a#behold? there are four fucking boxes of T sitting in a bag in my closet JUST LIKE I THOUGHT! I JUST COULD NOT FIND THEM so ive been going#through hell for fucking nothing. for literally nothing. and I was like oh my god okay I have my T I should go and pick up my new medicatio#and I go to get my shoes on and look at the clock and it's 5:01. they close at 5.#and I have my appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday where shes going to ask me how it's been starting my medication and im going to#have to tell her I havent started and im not better at all and im so new to her im nervous what she will say. sorry for being crazy. im not#good at this or medication. sorry. do you want me to kill myself ill do it in front of you if that would help. AUGHHHHGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHGGHGH#NONE OF THIS HAD TO HAPPEN. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH SHIT IN MY APARTMENT BECAUSE ITS SO SMALL THAT I COULD NOT FIND PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION#I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME OUTTTTTT (in my brain)
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zipmode · 7 months ago
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Good morning
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cappucosmico · 7 months ago
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the most devastating shit on earth is that i had a friend in middle school who was like my ride or die. but her only "social media" was Google Fucking Plus. so naturally i have lost her in the wastelands of that shitstorm. but i cannot find her ever again bc she has like The most common name on god's green earth so one facebook search for people with her name in the bronx yields like a million fucking results. so imagine if she's not even in the bronx anymore. 10 million results
#and if by some will from god she's out there wondering about me occasionally too She'd also be shit out of luck#bc my first name is different now. not even close to my birthname. and my last name is a nightmare#i didn't learn how to spell that shit until i was 6 and only so soon bc my mother set aside time to teach me specifically how to spell it#like it was its own school lesson. How to spell my own last name. so i'm not going to imagine someone could ever just Remember That#a decade down the fucking line#but i miss her often. she showed me inuyasha for the first time before rodan even did#we had the most awkward innocent scared quivering animal type lesbianism happening.#i would walk her home even though it meant making my 10 minute walk home into like 45 minutes#she lived in one of the projects and she snuck me in her apartment a few times when her dad wasn't home. that's when we watched inuyasha#one of my ''gifts'' i remember so specifically when we had decided we were dating is. i gave her. a tiny bag of chips.#blinks for a long time at you. i got her A Bag Of Chips.#💀😭 She should've killed me where i stood........#we once kissed because someone said they'd give us 20 dollars for it. We did not get the 20 dollars.#i was mad bc i wanted to split it with her and get snackies at the deli after school together or something. kills my elf#WAAAH i miss her. i miss da bronx too. one day i'm gonna drag rodan downstate to see it all#i want to take him to the bronx zoo and the botanical gardens. but also i just checked and nearly scumpt at the prices#37 DOLLARS..... 💀⁉️ i remember. (said oldly) i remember when it was. SEVEN DOLLARS!!!#whstever fucking happened to wednesdays you get in free. huh#i'm too scared to even look at the gardens now bc Nearly 40 tickets a person. oh My God. vomitworthy#wait oh my god what do thebuses and subway cost now. oh no oh no oh no#okay it's okay. it's a 40 cent difference. idr what a metrocard used to cost so it means nothing that it's a dollar now#but also Why the fuck do the express buses cost SEVEN DOLLARS.... 😭 brother bring that shit back down to five NEOW!!!#it's not even double the standard fare anymore. even if i round up the standard fare That's More Than Double. what#i hate inflation i hate inflation i hate#i'm rambling. walks away fast And my ass
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apollo-zero-one · 9 months ago
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Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....
#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!!#or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing#NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years#waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line#mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker#you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy#victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know#you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and#doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's#life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze#manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head?#This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and#poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy#she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he#said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch.#No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings.#bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk#that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!!#and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck.#Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he?#was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements#and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm#and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word#choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board.#Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself??#'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person#how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person??#Are you just living in some other reality???#callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me#im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason
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robotpussy · 1 year ago
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like I'm actually sick of being at my grandma's house when one cousin leaves another comes in it's so crowded here and it's not anybody's fault I'm not even supposed to be here and I want to go back to my house so badly I'm constantly having to travel back and forth between homes because everytime I go back to my house my neighbours are doing something to drive me away again. last time I went back 2 neighbours were talking shit about me when I haven't even been at home for a month so all I can take from that is I'm staying on their minds constantly cause they haven't seen me for over a month and they're still talking about me
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nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
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its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.
#and that mf lives in a house my parents own. Not for long lmaooo anyways.#<- bc my parents r prolly gonna lose the house bc my dad lost his job bc he assaulted somebody again. AWESOME FAMILY ! but anyways.#but its crazy. n my mom has been planninh a disneyland trip 4 ages... why r my family becoming like. almost middle class its scary ... guys#go back 2 being poor im scared and also thats so unfair that they waited until like a few months b4 i moved out to start marginally#getting their shit together. go girl give me NOTHING !#but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll#probably get divorced once they lose the house. god willing at least. but yk...#and hes got like Adult siblings.... me in talking abt myself. i left the house the same year he started kindergarten. its insane. and im#not gonna be there to see him grow up. Kills my .#i do like. idk. i want 2 try n stay out here but i also. sometimes i do judt think abt going back home just so i cn be closer to him#but. yk. thats not rly feasible rn. so.#hopefullyyy next year theyll all be able 2 come up n visit me for the summer... since ill have my own place#my like Prayer is that maybe in a couple years him n annie and lamp could start spending the summer with me.... thatd be rly cool#lamp idk what their plans r i think theyre gonna stay down there#weve talked a bittt abt them moving up here and it seemed like theyd enjoy that ? but theyre rly close with annie as well so idk...
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kurthorton-moving · 2 years ago
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hm.
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forehead451 · 4 months ago
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stream of consciousness type deal.
#people's experiences of you will be so drastically different from what you're like when relaxing/unmasking at home and they'll be shocked#when you live together and you thought you let them see what you were like normally except most of the time theyve seen you at home its an#Occassion™ so ofc im gonna be alert and jumping around and talkative bc theres a lot happening and im really happy theyre there#and i can be still. but once they see me day after day exhausted and overstimulated its different bc i am different#i dont feel like i am but i am#and if they dont believe when you explain whats happening then shit hits the fan#for a while i did not understand why they were getting so mad at me at dinner#the other people there understand how i can be foggy or overstimulated and just need to eat and im happy to be there i just need to not look#at anyone or say much and im dizzy from working all day. i need to mash for a bit all ill be good. theyve been generous to take me as honest#when i tell them what im doing.#but a person who is not used to seeing me that way will start thinking im rolling my eyes at whats being said when im actually staring into#space or trying to refocus or trying to get my body to stay in itself instead of drifting off and they think im quietly judging and ik like#im so sorry but fr im not even listening to the group conversation and im not thinking anything negative about you im just gathering my body#i SWEAR. also its agreed that i take part in a group meal instead of isolating with my food bc i need to eat right now too#now that ive stopped working and im going to go back to working after this meal so. this is what i have to do. it is understood and you're#somewhat new to being here on a daily basis but I'm serious i just have to do this and im not being shady im just Something™#(aka exhausted/overstimulated/neurodivergent.) but when i get up with the gathered dishes without making eye contact im automatically angry#and im judgemental and manipulative and trying to control everyone's mood by making my problems everyone's problems with my sighing and eye#rolling. im like. again im not rolling my eyes im trying to focus my eyes. and im not sighing at whats being said im letting out the breath#i realized ive been holding bc im holding myself back from an anxiety rollercoaster drop bc im very overstimulated rn and i was asked to be#here to share meals and deal with it in front of everyone and you arent understanding that id be doing the same thing in private#nothing's WRONG im just OVERSTIMULATED RN and im pulling my body back and im not thinking anything about ANYONE in this room but im starting#to NOW bc you keep assigning meaning where ive told you repeatedly theres none and i get why you're interpreting it this way but i promise#thats not what im doing and your reasons for why im doing it are not accurate.
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bangcakes · 8 months ago
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.
#back to Overthinking HDJDJDNDNDN#glad i got called in to work tomorrow LOL#personal#i should just ask him to hang out n get it over with BUT IM SCAREDNFJFJDJXKXM#theres nothing to even be scared of bc im pretty sure im the reason he even showed up last time NDNNDNDND#literally texted me like. youre going tonight right. and then saying it should be thrilling (sarcastically. he doesnt feel much toward the#other ppl we were meeting JDJJFJD. hes said this on several occassions)#n e way. one of us has to put on our big girl pants n i guess it has to be ME DNNDJDJXJX#im also like irrationally worried that he'll find someone else. idk where since he works at home anyway and overtime on top of that but#HJDJXJXJZJZ HHHHHHH#if thats the case tho then hes not the guy for me n thats that ya.... HDNDJDJDJ#literally hurting myself on ourpose like this is so fucjed up JDJDJJDD#why cant i just like. accept that maybe he does like me. like for sure we're friends n he cares about me enough but if its romantically...#well i dont want to Assume........#but i dont think you go to dinners filled with ppl you dislike just to hang out with a friend. i really dont NDJDJDNNZ#n e way#im just afraid to think that somethung good may happen for once. like its already a lot to handle rn that i have a job#if i also have a bf thats.... well is that even allowed for me to have#this sounds so JDJDJDJDJDJ irrational ik. but in my mind its like. idk. other ppl can do these 2 good things at once but i Can't......#idk
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nereidprinc3ss · 2 months ago
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bambi
in which spencer reid and fem!reader fuck like they missed each other (because they always do) and he teases her for her shaky legs
18+ (smut) warnings/tags: softdom spencer, piv sex (riding, a first for nereidprinc3ss) /oral f receiving (in that order) mentions of him accidentally grabbing her hips too hard, slight somno SORT OF like he starts going down on her while she’s sleepy and then she kind of goes in and out but its all consensual, sorry haters i fucking love sleepy sex and I always will, teasing, lots of praise, fluffy, established relationship, he loves her badddd, aftercare, literally nothing bad happens no angst for once they just are having sex cause they are in love which is arguably the most superior kind of sex! a/n: I don’t think I’ve ever written smut that is so wham bam thank you ma’am like really we just get RIGHT into it!! also no gif no pics we r going old nereidprinc3ss on this one I hope you loveeee!!!
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You roll over onto Spencer and kiss once, long and deep and sweet. He hums into it, too whipped to pretend like he’s got self control or respect, hands finding the soft skin of your bare waist and settling there. 
How it got to this point so quickly, no more than fifteen minutes after he walked through the door, you can’t say. Usually the two of you are a bit more domestic when he gets home from a case, but eight days is a long time to be apart, and the trail of clothing leading from the welcome mat to the foot of the bed attests to that. 
So does the lack of teasing, of begging—at least, a lack up until this point. Right now, there’s only him, patient and content to let you play at being in charge. You pull back and reach down to grab him gently, aligning him at your entrance with a trembling hand. This part, you’re not usually responsible for. 
He assures you with a hand to the small of your back, rubbing soothing circles. “You got it. Slowly.”
You do as he says, brow furrowing in focus as you sink down an inch or two onto him. Spencer’s breathing grows erratic as you take more and more of him, and in a heroic display of overachieving, you take the rest of him at once with nothing but a squeak. He laughs breathily as his fingers dig into your hips. 
“Fuck—I said slow.”
You can’t think. The overwhelm of it all is too much as you crumple forward onto his chest. The subtle rocking you’re doing to try and alleviate some of the pressure in your core is apparently too much as he stops you by the hips, fingers pressing into those same tender spots.
Spencer’s breath is ragged. “Don’t… do not move.”
“Fuck,” you breathe into his shoulder, long and drawn out as despite his wishes you wriggle around, trying to get comfortable. “Oh my god.”
“My lovely girl, please… please don’t move,” Spencer gasps, a plead, and you try to stop for him, nuzzling even deeper against his neck. “I need a minute.”
“It’s too much,” you slur, dizzy as you try to adjust to the feeling. “Please.” You don’t know what you’re asking for. Maybe relief from the sensation that he can’t offer you. Maybe more. 
Spencer is undone by you—the way you writhe on top of him, the way your voice shakes, the way you’re so totally and completely overwhelmed and he can feel it and he loves it. 
“Baby,” he breathes, and he meant to say a lot more than that, but it’s the best he can manage when he is this overstimulated. “Baby,” he whispers again, wrapping his arms around you in an effort to ground you, to give you something else to focus on as you both get used to the feeling. 
It’s going well—for a moment, before your back is arching. 
“Spence, I need to move, I can’t—”
“Okay, okay.” He takes a deep breath, returning his hands to your waist and mentally preparing himself not to cum early. He’s desperate to give you want you want, to feel you like this. “Go ahead. Move, honey. Please.”
By the time you slowly lift your hips up and drop back down with a low cry, Spencer’s lost. His head falls back against the pillow and his eyes squeeze shut. 
“Fuck,” he groans. “Oh, angel, I missed you.”
You do it again, motivated by his praise, and he can hear your little gasps and desperate gulps of air. 
“I missed you so much,” you whine and clench around him, pleasure so intense it’s a resounding ache in the far reaches of your body. “Oh, fuck, Spencer.”
Spencer shivers. He loves when you make it personal, when you say his name like that and it becomes clear this isn’t just about the physical.
“My girl. Just like that. Doing so well, baby, just like that.”
Each pass of your hips has you whining. Your lips skim over his neck, not cognizant enough to actually kiss—only to know that you want the contact. 
“Please can I go faster?”
Spencer almost doesn’t realize you’re speaking to him he’s so lost in pleasure. The idea of faster is as compelling as it is troublesome. Spencer doesn’t know if he can’t take faster, not when he has you like this, but he certainly wants to find out. 
“Yeah, lovely. Do whatever feels good.”
You readjust and begin to pick up the pace, stumbling over a few false starts as it’s clearly more sensation than you’d been prepared for. 
Spencer, on the other hand, has his eyes screwed shut tight, and is attempting to draw a two-dimensional Császár polyhedron on your back, but he loses his place with every twitch of your hips, so eventually he decides to trace imperfect Mandelbrots down your spine—anything to avoid thinking about how the pH of your body interacts with sweet vanilla perfume to create a scent so deeply intoxicating he’d leave his entire life behind just to trail after it, or how you fucking feel against him, on top of him, around him, how miraculous it is that you keep letting him touch you—
“Oh—” you whine quietly, a strangled sort of noise that has his heart skipping. Your hand tangles desperately in his hair as you rock your hips faster and faster and he lets out a tortured groan. “Spencer, oh my fucking god.”
“I know, baby,” he manages, endeared by the fact that you feel so good you have to share it with him. Even now you’re trying to explain it because you want him to be part of it—as if he doesn’t know exactly what you’re feeling already. “That feels good, huh?”
“Mm—f—eels—” you cut yourself off with a cry into the crook of his neck, and he holds the back of your head, vision greying as he stares unseeing at the ceiling because if he looks down this’ll be over too soon. 
“You’re so good,” he breathes, “you’re perfect.”He hears you gasp at the same time as your rhythm falters, and presses a kiss somewhere indiscriminately on your head. “Gonna cum?” He murmurs in your ear, and you nod desperately, rutting against him hopelessly as your thighs tremble from exertion. 
Even the smallest drop-off in friction has his head spinning like he stood up too quickly, so he gives himself enough leverage to start fucking you. You cry out and shift your weight like you’re going to try and evade the feeling—self-sabotage, you always do this—and he again has to hold your hips in an iron vice, just to force you to feel it. 
“You’re okay, I’m gonna get you there.”
“Fuck!” You very nearly yell, still trying to wriggle away up until the very last second like the tide going out before the tsunami comes. When you do cum, your demeanor instantly changes—you get heavy and clingy and whiny as you rock back and forth through your orgasm. 
“Good girl,” Spencer murmurs, being careful in the way he continues to fuck you until he reaches his peak as well, not long after. You shudder, and Spencer feels the way your entire body tenses the way it sometimes does after a particularly strong orgasm, and he fights his way out of the brain fog to rub your back with the skimming tips of his fingers. “Shh. You’re okay. Relax, baby.”
And you do, unwound by the dance of his hand and with a few shallow breaths that gradually deepen, until you’re once more slack on top of him. 
“You’re incredible,” he exhales, with his lips pressed to your hairline. 
So clearly overwhelmed, the only response you can muster is a soft squeak. Spencer laughs fondly, still mapping the soft curve of your back. He feels the way you’re still attempting to train your breathing and kisses your hair again. “What do you need, angel?”
“I’m s’posed to be taking care of you,” you slur. Spencer chuckles again and his brow knits. 
“According to who?”
“According to… I was on top…”
“Yeah. You did all the hard stuff. Your legs are shaking.”
You whine softly. “No they’re not.”
His hand slides down to your thigh, and he rubs the trembling muscles. 
“No? No Bambi legs for me this time?”
You squeeze them around his waist like you could shrink away from his touch. “Spence…”
“I’m teasing you, honey,” he murmurs, pressing kisses wherever he can reach. “You’re cute.”
“Hm.”
“Look at me,” he murmurs, angling his head expectantly as you slowly raise yours. The look on your face is so sweet—eyes half lidded, lips swollen and much higher in color than usual. Your cheek is warm to the touch. His heart flutters like it did on your first date, and the first time he kissed you, and the first time you fell asleep on his shoulder. This view will never get old. “Wow. Look at you, beautiful girl. Can I have a kiss?”
And you grant him his wish, with a long, soft kiss that’s worth every second of that burning feeling in his lungs, every time. 
Eventually you huff out the remainder of your air against his well-kissed lips and your head flops to his chest. 
“I’m sleepy.”
“So go to sleep,” he murmurs, so warm from your kiss he feels nothing could be wrong in the world at this moment. 
“I can’t.”
“Why’s that?”
“’Cause you just got home ’nd I missed you and I wanna spend time with you.”
“We have three days to spend together. If you go to sleep now, we’ll actually get more time together tomorrow.”
“But it’s more about, like, how it feels—how much time it feels like we spend together right when you get home, and if I go to sleep now, it’s gonna feel like less time, and—basically you’re just not understanding my math.”
“What math?” He laughs, continuing to rub your legs all the way up to your hips, at which point you hiss and buck—a very visceral feeling when he’s still inside of you. “What? What hurts?”
“You tried to fucking tear my hip flexors from my body, is what hurts,” you grumble. 
“Tender?”
“Mhm.”
“I’m really sorry, angel. Tylenol?”
“Mm-mm. Can you kiss me better?” Sleep stains your voice. Spencer smiles to himself. 
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.”
“Lie down.”
Again you whine as you slip off of him, landing heavily on your back. He sits up, watches with so much affection the way you squeeze your thighs together and arch ever so slightly against the empty feeling. 
“Spencer?” You whisper as he cups the top of your knees. 
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
He pushes your legs apart gently so he can settle in between them and kisses you again. “I love you. So much.”
“Glad we’re on the same page.”
He presses a kiss to your head, down your neck, taking the scenic route to your hip bones, but you don’t seem to mind. 
The feeling of his lips gentle on the tender flesh has you humming softly, eyes fluttering shut as he showers you with gentle kisses. His traces every place his fingers had pressed earlier—feels the way you relax further underneath him. Nobody’s ever let him in this deeply before, but you trust him with everything you have; your body, your soul, in life or death, awake and in sleep. He’ll never take that for granted. He will never pass on an opportunity like this, to be the one who takes care of you, who puts you back together, as long as you’ll let him. 
Still dancing the line of consciousness, you part your legs, the slow drag of your bare thigh like a jumper cable to his heart. Fingertips trace desirous paths up your inner thigh and back down again. He recognizes this invitation for what it is, and he knows exactly how to give you what you want, but he asks first anyway. 
“Was that on purpose?”
“I d’know what you mean. I’m so sleepy,” you slur, and he believes the second half of your statement to be fact. 
Spencer pushes your thigh a little higher, and you’re completely pliable for him, completely gorgeous. As soon as he skims your thigh with a barely-there kiss, exactly the way you like, you’re lacing a hand in his hair. 
“Please, Spence…” you murmur, and he can’t argue with that. He especially can’t argue when you widen your legs just that slightest bit more, and your arousal is opalescent between your legs. 
He hums, trailing more kisses up until he’s setting the softest one yet against your clit. “Beautiful girl…”
The following gasp is so tiny he could’ve missed it if he wasn’t so attuned to your noises—and then he gets lost in you, making sure to keep his ministrations light as you already came twice recently and are sure to be sensitive. He doesn’t want to wake you from whatever twilight half-slumber trance you’re in, either, sensing that if he does you’ll fight all over again to stay up.
And admittedly, he adores being trusted to take care of you like this.
Your back arches as much as you’re capable of in this state, and he can’t help the way he just barely suctions onto you at that moment, coaxing a sighing moan so sweet and vulnerable and open it gives him chills. Fuck. He really wants to make you cum. But instead he practices patience, tracing you with the tip of his tongue, pressing gentle kisses everywhere you need them—he draws it out. For he doesn’t know how long. 
The first time you get close, your hips begin to roll, and you spout little ah’s, but he talks you back down again, laughing lightly at your angelic cooing, your little sounds of sleepy pleasure. Even now you’re so responsive, moving against his mouth as he slips a finger into your soaked entrance, fucks you for a moment, and then retreats. Maybe he’s being unfair, but you don’t seem to mind. 
In fact, you’re slipping in and out of sleep as he devours you for what feels like hours, one hand pressed lovingly to your stomach, stroking the soft skin there. Spencer’s never had this long to explore you with his mouth and he takes full advantage of every moment, but he keeps all his kisses and licks and touches gentle and reverent and so loving. 
You don’t know how long it’s been, or how many times he’s made you cum when he finally retreats—you half-wake just as he’s finishing cleaning you up. Soon he tosses the towel aside and presses feather-light kisses to each of your cheeks, tear-stained and warm with pleasure. You feel completely drained and completely loved. 
“Hi, sleeping beauty,” he murmurs, climbing into bed with you, at some point having gotten dressed. 
You manage an embarrassed little laugh. More tears crawl down your cheeks as you roll to your side. Spencer brushes them away and pulls you into him, slinging your thigh over his waist. He chuckles. 
“Shaky?”
“Stop,” you whine, embarrassed by his teasing, and hide your face against his chest. “That’s not my fault.”
“It’s nobody’s fault. It’s sweet,” he insists as he rubs your back. And then, a moment later, “So—do you think we’ve spent enough time together for tonight?”
“No.”
He sighs good-naturedly. 
“You’re gonna wear me out, you know that?”
“’F you… can’t handle the heat… get outta the kitchen.”
When he next speaks you can hear the smile in his voice. 
“Go to sleep, Bambi. Let’s see if you can walk in the morning.”
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