#its literally 5 am and im havign a breakdown because the only 2 people i know lobe me are still asleep anf im sitting here sobbing

[justreputationnoexplanation]

I live under a roof they pay for so I'm still under thei4 roof even though I'm 2 hours away and maybe they can't hit me here but they can still control everything I do they control what I spend my groceries on and they ask half the time about what i bought I don't want them asking about it because anytime they can see any alcohol or anything they cant identify immediately it's a sign I'm like my father but I'm not. sometimes I just want to have a glass of wine or two with my dinner or sit with my friend and drink and watch football and it's not a thing but if I spend my money, if I spend their money, if I spend any money that they could see it's a problem because I'm a problem.

okay I'm drunk and I'm sad rn but ive been living under my mother's thumb and my mother's reign for what I knew was 2 years but I've been there my whole life and I fucking tired of her I'm tired of her asking every time I draw $20 out what am I doing with it maybe it's just something I don't want you to see maybe I'm just paying back a friend for something he gave me maybe I'm buying a vibrator you don't need to know what I'm doing I'm an adult you gave me this money is my allowance is my money for the month if this were a job I could do whatever f*** I wanted with this money and they couldn't ask me so why did you get to ask me why do you get to de side that the money that I get as my allowance as my spending money to only be sent bent as a grocery store. decide I can't deciee you know what I'd rather live off Ramen for this week and use a lift to bring my friend over so I can have genuine affection from someone who gives a f*** about me

why can I decide that why do you have to do it for me.

why do you hate me so much that you can't stand to see me happy why is it that I still love you after everything you've done to me even after you're why I tried to kill myself

why is it that I don't want a job because I know you're going to take that money from me so I can't be free from you

all I want is to be free from you.

i think i would rather live in a box or in someone basement and I could be free from you and what you doing but I can't

you think I break down crying about my dad a lot. See what you've done to me at least he is available to blame. him and his addiction that I can conceptualize that's that's mental illness

your just horrible never understand you don't even call me by the right name I'm not McKenna I haven't been McKenna since I was 13 this is still the name you is like I'm still 13 I'm like used to control me I'm 22 years old and I'm SINCLAIR

IM BEGGING YOU TO CALL ME BY MY RIGHT NAME. YOU CLAIM IT IS WOULDNT BE HARD FOR SOMEONE TRANS BUT I AM NONBINARY BUT I CANT TELL YOU THAT BECAUSR YOU CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF ITS ME

I have no idea what you want me to be I'm not sorry I wish I could just stop responding to that name because that hasn't been me it almost 10 years but you won't stop calling me that and I can't risk alienating you because I can't afford myself I've tried so I can't and instead of you supporting me I kept recording breakdowns over video memo on Tumblr or drunk to my boyfriend because at least they give a f*** about me sometimes but you don't it's obvious you don't I wish you still loved me still like I think you did once I don't know anymore cuz all I can look back here is what you did to me for years scream at me and I was a child I was 17 it wasn't my fault but it's like you blame me for it because the timing is right cuz that's when I left for college is when he started drinking again it wasn't my fault I didn't make him pick up that bottle it's like all that anger got pointed towards me I didn't do it but I'm still apologizing for mistakes that weren't mine I just wish you could love me again