#im in a hell of my own neurodivergent making

[miodiodavinci]

tormented by demons (← had to redo all the VCs they'd oto'd so far because they miscalculated the base values and has now been stricken by the urge to just hand-stitch all these CVVC samples into plain VCV, as if turning like 80 WAV files into 300 or more six times over is not more work than just oto'ing CVVC)

[cicadaofthelake]

i feel as though im undergoing metamorphosis. my mind and body don’t feel the same anymore and i feel as tho im being drawn towards what im meant to be.

but also i feel stuck, trapped in what the other people think of feel about me. as its perfectly normal to outgrow friends and neighbors, is it normal to outgrow close family??

[godblooded]

if you get an ask from me (probably from @clawsextended ) yes you absolutely did i have selina brainrot and i have for literally like three hours now.

[realjem]

me circa early 2021: yeah so i made some characters but im not gonna make em tragic or anything! i dont get why everyone talks about torturing their ocs all the time lol

me now: ouuh... i thuink i gave her depression

[andreabandrea]

i think all the time about how hard it is to be a kid even in the best case scenarios. like yeah as a kid you have very few responsibilities and youre innocent etc but i think the thing is that adults (at least in the USA) largely do not consider you to be a human.

i remember when i was a kid, my parents were nice to me and supportive and so on-- i didnt have a bad childhood. but there were times where my dad would just take things from me, or interrupt me on the computer/tv, not because i had exceeded screen time or anything but just because "im the dad and im more important so i can do what i want". i remember how powerless i felt when adults would shout at me, especially if it was over something i didnt understand and/or hadnt been taught.

i remember adults laughing in my face sometimes when i was crying or upset, and i think about this when i see those 'toddler/kid freakout' tiktok videos mocking a child's reaction, even if it is for something "stupid" like they dropped their candy or whatever.

even the most well-meaning adults will often write off your pain and negative emotions as 'overreactions', and this goes triple if youre neurodivergent. i had pneumonia as a child and my doctor thought i was just being dramatic.

your input on things is largely seen as worthless. if your parents want to travel the country in a van, but you want to go to school and have friends and have your own bedroom, they'll just pack you up and take you in that van because you're the child and you're their property. i think about this when i see those 'van life' families, and i think about this as i'm reading the Wavewalker book about the girl who was forced to live on her parents' boat with little to no schooling for 10 years.

if your parents spank you and hit you, largely thats seen as their "choice" as parents, no matter how many studies tell them it traumatizes children. and youre dependent on the adults around you and if those adults suck, or if youre in a bad situation, you have very little to no ability to change that and you just have to endure.

and thats what drives me insane about desantis is that we see more and more rhetoric like "the rights of parents" and "protecting children" but these kids are being told that they do not have rights. its as if people truly believe parents deserve to know everything, even if the child doesnt feel safe telling them. people think parents deserve to control their kids' every choice and every move. but when it comes to protecting kids from gun violence and protecting gay/trans kids and especially kids of color, republicans could not give less of a shit. hell, even the grand majority of democrats barely care.

yes, i get it. parenting is unimaginably hard. the nuclear family is unsustainable especially in today's double-income-not-even-making-rent economy. the world is fucked up. sometimes kids are shitty and it might hurt you as an adult. but kids are not evil, and kids are not adults who are acting with fully developed brains and social skills and empathy and so on and its important to keep that in mind.

on the chance that anyone wants to reply with "well i hate kids :/" look. you dont have to be a parent. but at least be kind to children in your life. let the kid in the park ramble to you about skibidi toilet or fucking whatever. you do owe people kindness, especially children

[irradiatedpiratebooty]

i think what really bums me out about tumblr hitting the shitter, is that no other site offers the same kind of engagement. said that in another post, but lemme explain a little further. yes, theres other fandom sites. yes, technically speaking other sites have the same features tumblr does. but the way they encourage the use of these features are not for actual engagement. its for gathering a follower count, gathering silent likes. getting an audience so you can make a profit. but what if you dont care about follower count? dont care about being your own business? dont care about trending or how many likes you got? what i loved about the engagement from tumblr was that, it was encouraged to respond in *some way*. whether it be just a quiet tag of a keysmash, or just a "lol" or maybe even a full paragraph to add onto a post you liked and wanted to share. i posted my art, not to gather a huge audience and a follower count, but to make people laugh, or smile, or just relate a bit. i also posted art to express my own interests, especially since fallout and pirates are a hyperfixation of mine. (not using that as a buzzword, im autistic and struggle engaging with people outside of these interests.)

silent likes, silent retweets, a hot take here and there, hell even comment sections arent the same because theyre really only used now if something is controversial for an argument, dont give the same kind of engagement or feeling of community.

i want a space where i can be "weird".people talk to me about my interests with the same kind of excitement i have, where we info dump without fear of being yelled at because "i thought that was obvious?" and "lol everyone knows that shut up." but now, everything has become sterile. even if you are openly neurodivergent, you have to be the kind where youre ACCEPTABLE, and more importantly, profitable. you cant be weird about anything, because then youre mocked and ridiculed by the same people who say "youve got to be more autistic about things". everything is public on other sites, your likes are public, your blocklist is public, your bio has to include personal details otherwise people dont want to engage with you. you have to keep up with everything and make sure youre "acceptable" to be around. TLDR: i miss the days when i went to the internet to escape, where i could drop the mask and be myself. without feeling like im being watched, or judged for just enjoying something. I miss the days where you had your own quirky blog and found people who enjoyed the same niche series you liked, and they had the same enthusiasm as you did even for the details everyone already knows.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

You know what gets me confused? Is the fact that you don't even know how these certain characters even ended up in hell in the first place. Like, how come we know that Alastor was a serial killer before his afterlife, but never know Husk, Sir Pentious, nor even Angel's wrongdoings? You can say it was because of drug overdose but that's not enough to actually TELL us the other despicable bad things he's done. It never explains. They're just in hell. Especially the sinners. I feel like showing their sins would make the show more enjoyable so they can improve. But nah. All Sir Pentious had to do was be a little nice and boom! He's into heaven! Like, wtf.

YEAH WHY ARE THEY HERE???? I’m not waiting for Vivzie to give us backstory (if ever) and I’m very likely going to end up making up my own neurodivergent bullshit that’s way better than what vivziepop can do. But Ugh you people always have me thinking.

Would anyone be interested in a random Angel Dust backstory video or fanfic I might end up going crazy. Also I only say Angel cause im not quite neurodivergent enough to dissect the rest of these characters/hj

[srfiv]

for a highschool setting, au if you will, what upbringing do you think the 141 would have? im really curious to know what you think of personally :)c

oooooh!! to be completely honest, i didn't have any concrete ideas i could put into words before seeing this ask so this is gonna be two things: completely unresearched and based solely off of vibes

i have to emphasise i am clueless about UK demographics. i am still researching (snail pace) but i didnt want to make you wait :(

i'm big on soap growing up lower middle class catholic with siblings. to me, he's a classic middle child - he may have naturally felt a bit neglected and jealous of his younger sibling as a kid, but he gets over it once he hit hits teens.

his parents are warm and welcoming people, but there is a little awkwardness when it comes to queer topics as well as johnny's neurodivergence. they're fully supportive of his endeavors in sports and entertain his interest in engineering. although awkwardly at first, johnny was encouraged to be upfront about his emotions and opinions (which fired back terribly during his teens, but led to more open conversations later). his parents do remind him to mind his manners often though.

his relationship with his siblings can be a bit tumultuous, especially with the youngest, but ultimately he would give his life for them. there's a lot of roughousing involved, but also caring touches, hugs, pats on the back, doing eachothers hair, helping with makeup and so on. johnny grew up with lots of affectionate physical touch from both his parents and siblings.

johnny has always struggled with the catholicism bit though. his parents aren't strict about faith by any means, but there are unspoken expectations that he sometimes has trouble with. he learned early that his grandparents should see him as nothing but masculine and ready for marriage, lest all hell broke loose.

ghost gets the unfortunate working class dysfunctional household in every universe. i am so sorry my boy. he always gets the irresponsible and ungovernable dad and the tortured madonna mum.

his dad doesn't really know what to do with a kid or how to tend to its needs and doesn't have enough emotional capacity to learn. as a person, i think deep down he is really scared to care. he thinks it makes him vulnerable - his own dad (simons grandfather) was a mean patriarch, controlling, while his mum was emotionally absent. he got out and rebeled as fast as possible, but that left him with knowing nothing but fear, anger and tricks.

he "lets" the mum do the housework and take care of the kids after her shift. simon grows up seeing his mum work herself to the bone taking care of them, including his dad. unlike his brother, tommy, simon finds himself taking his mothers side and offering to help her. he grows more and more disgusted with his father as time goes on. tommy just tries to shut it out and escape it for the most part, but there are exceptions when he won't.

the mum tries her best to provide food, clean clothes and a smile for her children, but there's a backdrop of grief to it all. they used to hug and comfort eachother, but that stopped when simon hit puberty and closed himself off physically. simon sees her suffering and it angers him, but he splits that anger in half and aims it at his dad and himself.

the trauma bond simon and tommy have makes tommy irreplaceable in simons life. unlike simon, tommy has insane charisma and a desperate need to self-sabotage, and this combo more often than not brings him amongst the worst groups in the neighbourhood. simon makes his disapproval known often and tries to be a positive force in tommys life, which doesn't always work out.

at home, whenever the opportunity arises, tommy tries to take the abuse instead of simon, who will (as a teen) openly fight his dad. tommy doesn't mind sitting down and taking it in an effort to make it end faster.

i personally can't help but see price as an only child in an upper middle class family. albeit very disciplined, he's used to getting his way and tends to hold grudges when someone opposes him, and he has a talent for finding loopholes in rule systems.

his dad and mum divorced in his preteens due to his mum having cheated. although it was an amicable divorce (at least to outsiders' eyes), it did leave an impression on young john and a doubt in his mind about love and marriage.

his parents decided to keep the cause of their divorce from him, and he visited his mum often up until his highschool years, when his mum let it slip. since then, his visits have been kept to a minimum, and he's grown bitter about her as she's tried to reach out multiple times. his mum feels extremely guilty for what she's done. she truly loves her son and john knows, but he can't help himself.

his dad would be a very stern and almost dictatorial person to him if it wasn't for the way he openly shows his love for his current wife. this also leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth, as he has never considered his dads second wife his "mum". they are good friends though, and they live together. his dad and her take interest in johns school life and get involved with the school itself often, which john doesn't mind much, because it gets him a foot in the door with the teachers.

he was raised manners first, so it doesn't show, but he has a healthy disrespect for authority. he often prefers to corner his superiors with malicious compliance rather than rebel outright. he's not selfish however - he has a strong moral code of his own, which contradicts itself at times, but he is very stubborn about it - and just like his father, he's very loyal to people who have gained his respect, but quick to "dispose" of people who have lost it. it is difficult to gain his respect, and very easy to lose it.

gaz would come from a lower middle class catholic family as well as johnny, but unlike him, he doesn't feel as though he has many obligations towards god. after a stern talking to from his mum however, he keeps his opinions to himself.

his dad is exmilitary and kyle has witnessed the PTSD from a young age, along with his mum comforting his dad as well as she could. his dad would sometimes do self sabotaging things he'd regret, and once kyle became older, he took care of him in those moments along with his mum. the therapy helps, sometimes.

kyle has some trouble coming to terms with the love his dad still expresses for the military though, despite the aftermath. kyle knows his dad would really like it if kyle joined the military as well. his brain is swimming with stories of his dads military buddies and the "grand ol time" they had, and with the nights he spent up at the kitchen table hugging his dad back from a damn near suicide attempt.

most of the time though, his dad is a warm and friendly fellow who has many friends in the community and often likes to include his children in the activities. kyle grew up very popular among his peers.

his mum is very goal oriented and faithful, but rather emotionally stunted. she cares for her children and her husband very deeply, but she doesn't show it well in her daily life. she resorts to showing love through favours and food whenever she can. she loves to sit with them when they're having a difficult time and listen.

i think he has a younger sister, who he has a classic love hate sibling relationship with. she often annoys him about the boys in his class and introducing them to her maybe, and kyle tells her that she'd just get bullied. in reality, he's fiercely overprotective. not only towards her, but his entire family.

[speakofthedebbie]

ASK GAMES IN SESSION:

autistic ask game

mutual bingo

moots on anon (debs original; moots go on anon, say a few things about them [usually 3] and i have to guess who they are)

fic writers: directors cut

some things of varying importance (<- my fav colour btw)

came for one. singular. fucking. post by @elsa-fogen, stayed for the hazbin brainrot

names debbie (read about why here), nicknames are any variation that suits you

almost certain im she/her

after much deliberation (thx for your insight @lifea16 <3) im a femme-leaning biromantic and femme-leaning sex-indifferent demisexual (makes sense to me at least)

in a qpr with @lifea16 >:3

minor (not saying majors [literally why arent 18+ called that] cant interact, but watch yourself)

in regards to above: ♐ (december 14th) [have had 1 bday on tumblr]

no comm beggars/any asks relating to money. i am a minor, i cannot help you

#1 luci lover/defender

started shipping radioapple as a joke but it becomes less of a joke each day (while i am now radioapple inclined, i am still a multishipper at heart)

priestess of @cali-and-chaos' radioapple cult (@manicali has deleted the blog but i will go on carrying out my duties as priestess and spread the word of radioapple far and wide)

almost certainly some flavour of neurodivergent

transphobes dont even look at this blog. me and my trans besties WILL beat you up and it WILL be embarrassing

same goes for terfs, racists, bigots and the like. do not test me

fandoms:

currently:

hazbin hotel (wow who wouldve thunk it)

helluva boss (somewhat)

heathers (ending made me ugly sob and i have been waffling about it)

previously:

mystreet (may return when s7 comes out)

hermitcraft (im way too behind to catch up now)

percy jackson & the olympians (left off on titans curse)

murder drones (now that its done might come back to)

the promised neverland (i still like it, but i finished the manga)

project SEKAI: COLORFUL STAGE! (feat. hatsune miku) [i had a stint with it but since i could never play the game it died off. still have a high key crush on akito 😍]

unique tags:

#debs is a yapper (i talk about shit. usually hazbin shit. intersects way too much with-)

#debs is a memer (i make memes. usually hellaverse memes. intersects way too much with #debs is a yapper.)

#debs is an artist (i make art occasionally. so far 100% hazbin art.)

#debs is a writer (i post my hellaverse fics. either wip snippets or links to the ao3 page. previously under #debs is an artist.)

#debs is a responder (i respond to the [semi!]rare ask or two [used to be #debs is an answerer but it sounded too weird lol])

#debs is an original poster (i make original posts. opposite of-)

#debs is a reblogger (i reblog usually hellaverse shit, which for my apprehensiveness about it at first has become [more than] half my blog. opposite of #debs is an original poster.)

#debbie's never ending rivalry with her own fucking brain (i wage psychological warfare against my own brain. no one wins.)

#"for your queueing has just begun~" (i queue posts.)

look at the top 10 posts yourself lol

individual follower shout-out (hasnt been updated in a WHILE mb chat)

oh yeah i got a sideblog lol (high school advice)

also luci-centric sideblog lol im so predictable

[oneangstymotherfucker]

Another thing that bothers me is the way antis will use the word "coded". Coded is a word for groups that aren't allowed to have explicit representation to use for when authors make something that's obviously for them under the radar. Like queer coded. In kids shows there can also be stuff with coding for neurodivergent characters, and race coding can also be a thing. The idea is authors can't directly do what they want because society is being a dick (like they want to make x and x characters gay or have a Black main character) and so they code it so that people of those groups can still see themselves in it and Understand What They Mean.

So "child-coded" and "family-coded" are not things that even make sense. If the author wanted a character to be read as related or a child they would have simply written them that way! Nothing was stopping them! I respect all headcannons, but you headcannoning someone as a child or related and seeing your own evidence for it is not the same as coding.

Do you know what is coded though? Sebaciel. That ship is so heavily queer coded- in everything from the way the characters are drawn to the age gap to the campiness to the contract, the relationship-that-isn't-a-relationship-because-taboo!

These are classic queer tropes. They are all over the place in queer fiction, especially older queer fiction, to illustrate and emotionally navigate relationships that are considered by society predatory and taboo. Queers have always been painted as predatory. Because when you kicked out your teenage kid for being queer, guess where they went? They found some older queers to take them in. And support them in ways you never could, and see their strengths. And then people would say little Johnny was "seduced" or "taken advantage of" by some "degenerates" and "perverts" because they didn't want to take the blame of putting little Johnny on the streets. (Ofc sometimes im sure there were predators doing this maliciously, but that doesn't mean it was always the case. Not everyone wants to take advantage of people.)

Queer people also tend to have overlapping relationships because of social ostricization. For example, your dating history is your friend group and back in the days of Houses and mentors, your dating history might also have them in it too.

Age gaps are also a very quintessential trope in queer fiction. It makes a lot of sense when you think of how someone whose family life was suddenly cut short (or never really there in the first place) would end up wanting the sort of dynamic where someone was there to take care of them. And again- I'm sure that this was sometimes abused by a handful of people, but it as a fiction and as a desire is part of queer history and has been for hundreds of years. Most people whose parents pushed them aside or actively hurt them end up with daddy/mommy issues! Not everyone of course but a good amount! I want a daddy! I feel so much younger than I am because I am only just now getting to live my life as me!!! So of course i project myself onto and want to read stories about some little victorian boy and his op demon butler!!

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Ciel is very heavily queer coded. He was ignored by his family and then forcibly removed from it (because they died here, ofc) and the fact that he is essentially rescued from his powerlessness, aloneness, from being abused and taken advantage of by Sebastian, who is also very queer coded, ticks a lot of boxes. Then there's the whole messaging of Sebastian being seen as an abusive monster (when he is really quite caring of Ciel) and Ciel being seen as some perverted, broken, godless freak (ey what queers haven't heard those?), the religious implications of "making a pact with a demon" ("you can't be holy because of this relationship! Satan made u gay!!!!"), the victorian setting, the costume choices, the idea of being eaten, hell even the kinky undertones of the power dynamics- there are too many queer tropes to count. Even Ciel's age, when taken metaphorically- someone who hasn't been given the chance to have much experience, who isn't taken seriously, who does not have the social standing of someone who can hold their own against "grownups"- can all be read as coding for someone being descriminated against. Raise your hand if you're queer and have been called 'boy' or 'girl' derogatory/been treated like a kid for no reason!

I'd go so far as to say that most of the reason Black Butler squicks so many people is because the coding is so overt and obvious, but people still take it literally and think it just means "p3dO!1!!!1!". Probably because ya'll stay away from queer history because the Elders reclaimed slurs and that makes u angry lol.

The fact is even if Sebastian and Ciel never "get together", their relationship is still inherently queer and always will be. And quite frankly if it was cannon then it wouldn't be coded anymore it would just be gay. :)

Anyways thats how i feel about coding thanks for comin to my ted talk. x

[ohwormwood]

random thoughts i have while playing isat pt. 1

(compiled so i dont keep spamming others and my own blog, o7)

[woe! spoilers be upon ye!]

the daydreaming one is just like me for real and by that i mean they also think about found family tropes constantly

what the hell does siffrin have against croissants,,,, and isn't pan au chocolate just the same kind of pastry but with chocolate,,, is this the french equivalent of comparing hamburgers to meatloaf

odile, every time siffrin makes the deliberate choice to be close to isabeau while also being aware that they are OBLIVIOUS:

"i'll always be by your side, whether in battle or in bed" "what i nice guy" siffrin would be the type of person to say "they seem like really good friends" when looking at a pair of lesbians i swear

i had a thought last night where the forgotten language is just french but reversed and i have no idea where that came from but i think its funny

i really like worldbuilding so i am the type of player in rpgs to go through every single book that contains lore,,, and that's why it takes me so long to finish games,,,

HELP THE NOTE ON TIME CRAFT,,, WITH THE FACE,,, IS THAT THE CHANGE GOD

siffrin is uncannily good with people, at least at the start of the game,,, like, the charisma is off the charts, theyre so sweet and kinda just get what everybody needs in a conversation,,, but as soon as the subject turns onto themselves they just. flounder.

mirabelle gets my second flower of the game

i LOVE bonnie's writing,,, kids being written as if they are ACTUAL KIDS without being portrayed as dumb or ignorant is so so so important to me,,,

THANK YOU KIND WIZARD. FOR MAKING ME A FROG.

i just looked up what samosas are and i am desperate to eat one,,,

I MISSED THE OPTION TO EAT MORE FOOD,,,,, IM A FAILURE,,, BONNIE IM SORRY,,,

odile and bonnie's dynamic means so much to me,,,, just a wine aunt and her favorite neurodivergent kiddo,,,

every time i make a decision that makes any of the party feel even remotely bad i cringe inside,,,, siffrin you and me should NOT be this similar,,,,

siffrin canonically just. picking up random shit is so corvid coded of him hehehehehe

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

[persy-r-bozo]

DHMIS- The Yappining! 2/6 - Yellow

i diddnt know who to fully start with! so i decided yellow was my first victim.

Yellow is a very interesting character. he tends to play into the "Dumb yet sweet" character trope. but the steady reveal that this cannot be farther from the truth is amazing.

I feel him and his reflection could mean alot of things. and i believe it does. a part of me thought it could resemble the two sad sides of neurodivergent Youth. "The gifted" and "The trouble maker" gifted kids tend to be given to much pressure to succeed and troubled ones are ignored or just pushed aside.

i don't think the car killed him, just hurt inside and out. Causing a drift within an already possibly drifting family. (Perhaps this switch disappointed some. or made others go mad.) I think the gravestone and mirror could simply mean that version of him is dead. someone who cant be brought back. He's still the same, just not the way others might have wanted him to be.

The batteries could be a metaphor for meds. or hell he could be a cyborg. I mean his dad made a computer that just spawned bitches so i wouldn't put it past him.

the show or the world their stuck within tried to paint yellow stupidly. However he is quite emotionally intelligent. the world tries to paint him as useless but he isn't. I like the idea that yellow can read people very well. he can understand them in ways that make him super helpful, however he has issues with words and thought, often stumbling over himself.

his kindness and optimism is both a blessing and a curse. it makes him easy to control, but it also makes him a sense of stability and comfort.

he is such an interesting character!. a melancholy character. a sunshine behind a cloud. from a blind and innocent lad within the web series to a more dependable one later on. he has much to overcome, we can only hope he may.

But lets get into the-

-RELATIONSHIP VIEWS-

Red: Yellow and red are a very interesting pair. i feel as though yellow likes red. but he can read him, probably better than red can even read himself. Yellow can sense he is a ticking time bomb. that despite his quiet, he is breaking. so yellow is distant, keeping himself always a few steps away, just in case. He trusts red, its hard not to feel a little protected with a big fellow around. but yellow can just sense it. that red could snap, and that trust might break too.

Duck: THATS HIS RIDE OR DIE RIGHT THERE!. his ride or die! yellow loves duck, and feels a sense of comfort from him i think. I like to believe that duck might have even been a non related uncle of sorts. the brain fog may persist but you never forget that one guy whose never related to yall but still shows up. They are chaotic and i love them. while yellow can read people very well but cannot speak very well. Duck cannot read people for shit BUT BOY, IS HE LOUD N PROUD. They are two puzzle pieces together. pure chaotic opposites. This may cause big fights between the two but oddly enough i feel there's potential for the two to work really well together too. What im saying is PLEASE PLEASE IF WE GET ANOTHER SEASION I WANT TO SEE DUCK AND YELLOW HAVE THIER OWN ADVENTURE AND ITS CHAOTIC AND MESSY AND FUNNY AS FUCK PLEASE!!-

Roy: Roy is more sad. yellow loves him, yet that love is not mutual. and if it was it wasn't true families love, as it never stayed. Yellow flinches when Roy shows up in family. Yet he still wants to believe he came for him. Maybe yellow will realize this. that even though he loves him, He's not a good puppet person.

Lesley: This is interesting. If we are to believe she is his mother. he surely doesn't remember her. He Seems uncomfortable within her presence and skittish. But he stays and tries to be sweet. Maybe the reason he seems so skittish around her is because she might be the only creature he cant read that well. She's a mystery, her minds a mystery her everything is an enigma. Even to him. I don't think he remembers her at all. But one things for sure, even in the face of the unknown my boy aint rude.

EXTRA YAP JUST FOR YOU GUYS <3 !!!!!!!!!!

Yellow and clayhill-

Even though clay hill issnt cannon in the slightest and is played as a joke for all the older fans and the creators themselves IM A FREAKAZOID OK? IM INSANE! (i made a small headcannon weird thingy about yellow guy and clayhill to fit clayhill and its "Inexistence" into the series.) BEACUSE IM A MAD MAN OK!!?

I thought of the idea of clayhill being yellows little fanfiction (Babes first fanfiction!! he's following in the footsteps of his eldritch world building parents / guardians!!! <3 ) Yellow used it as a way to vent his little brain foggy daja vu head away.

Ill go though what i remeber clayhills plot line to be. Key thing is remember because I live in the US and i learned off of word of mouth mostly.

Its yellows ideal situation. hes with the other two. they are safe in a town with neighbors and people who love them and see them. Red is calmer, duck is more joyous. its yellows birthday today!. But a mean key comes to life and the mayor is missing.

Duck follows the key and is manipulated and hurt by steave. Yellows venting his frustrations with ducks blind following of the world even though it hurts him. but he understands, its because some of the objects are just so mean. Red runs away, Yellows venting his fears or daja vu like feeling that red will run away. leaving him all alone. He understands it might be for the greater good (finding the mayor) but he is still scared.

Yellow on the other hand, Gets a make over, he outsmarts an object. he finds a way to rescue duck and find red. to save the entire town and have his birthday party at home!. and i believe someone said the age on his badge changed from 38 to 48?

well if it did that might be yellow wishing to be older. Thinking if he was older he could control more things, talk better. Help more often. So in this world. everyday his is birthday, everyday he gets older. everyday he is seen and in control.

But This level of escapism doesn't really work for Lesley/Roy. so whenever they can they remind him that clay hill isn't real. it never was. and it never will be.

[pupsicle-paws]

Hi guys. I made a reddit post explaining my experience with being an alterhuman (therian)

Can someone please read into it and help me?

It all feels so surreal. It's like I'm going through figuring out I'm trans all over again, all the confusion, the want, the agony, the pain, the anger, it's all too much right now, especially since it's so much more confusing than just gender.

It's something I feel like only I have experienced and it makes me feel so alienated.

I feel so utterly alone

Edit; reddit is being weird so here's the text;

Species dysphoria?

Hi, I'm a newly awakened alterhuman or therian to be specific.

I'm just a bit worried because my experience feels so much more powerful and effective than other therians I've seen.

I know its oversaturated online, and it's so much more complex than it's portrayed, but with how it affects me, I just feel like I'm so much different than the other people in my own community, like I don't even belong.

I guess it's because being an alterhuman and feeling inhuman just affects me so much and takes such a nasty toll on my mental well being that u can't help but feel like I was cursed to have it harder than others.

I'm not too into lycanthropy, and by what I mean by that is that I'm not as knowledgeable on it than therianthropy and the like. But it sounds almost appealing to me, like it's something I can resonate with but it also doesn't sound like me at all.

My experience with my body, with dysphoria, dysmorphia, it's all been hell for me and I can't find any thing to soothe myself.

So if anyone can help, give me advice, lead me in the right direction, for someone to tell me I'm normal and not insane, please do so.

Here, I'm going to say what I feel and what's been developing over the years;;

So when I was younger, I may or may not have shown signs of some neurodivergancy of some kind. I'm not sure what I have, could be autism, could be just me being weird, who knows. But I definitely didn't grow out of some of my weird kid habits. It's always been a struggle for me to grow up in general and let go of childish things. That's probably why I still have stuffed animals in my bed at nearly 18 years old.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, anyways, I used to feel very strong urges to be like an animal as a kid. It's normal kid stuff, yeah, but it never went away. Over the years it turned into wearing blotchy fursuits and meowing at my teachers and pretending to wag my invisible tail to me having extreme delusions.

Now, it's not just a silly kid thing. It's something, a thing, a creature inside of me that's angry at my body and that nothing lines up.

I feel like im going crazy the longer I deal with this, like every year passes by and I become more and more aware of how everything's wrong and nothing is perfect or even near that. I used to be able to deal with it, it was fine years ago when I was 15 and happy with myself. I understood that I had a spiritual body inside of me that didn't match up, but I didn't realize it'd haunt me later on and I'd become insane over the fact that it's all wrong.

It all feels like gender dysphoria, which I do deal with as a trans man. But instead of just being my gender and how my organs and body parts and voice and whatever don't line up with being masculine like I want, it's everything all at once.

My eyes, my hair, my legs, my feet, my nails, my teeth, my jaw, my arms, everything. Just from head to toe, everything is misshapen beyond beleif and I don't understand why I feel this way.

I can't snarl or growl like I want, I can't move my ears at the sound of a noise far away, I can't wag or curl my tail, I can feel my wings move on my back, I can't retract my claws, I can't see in the dark.

All my human senses, all my human feelings don't overlap with my animalistic ones. Whatever being is inside of me is constantly in a state of distress, anger, anxiety, sorrow, all because I'm a human in a human body.

It's like some evil celestial being put the soul of everything inhuman into a human body and told them to pretend to like it when it's just agony to deal with.

I'm in agony and it won't go away.

This thing inside of me is hurt.

[liliallowed]

feeling guilty every time I look at myself as autistic.

I feel like I'm making excuses then remember that I literally am incapable of telling my physical mental and emotional status.

...

is that a disability? sure as hell feels like one because everyone else seems to know what is wrong and why they feel certain emotions out of nowhere...

I don't...

I didn't ask for this you know? like... I don't wanna wave an autism flag that HEY IM AUTISTIC AND YOU SHOULD BABY ME BECAUSE IM A FRAGILE WIDDLE BABY...

I hate calling myself autistic. not because it's stigmatized as being called retarded which... again. being retarded isn't insulting to me. that's not up to me. I don't get offended for something out of my control.

being NOT ENOUGH and incompetent IS what breaks me though.

so like... I feel so weird coming to aknowledge that... that maybe I wasn't just being lazy and not everyone becomes fking paralysed at the thought of danger or change of plans...

it feels so weird to call it autism. for that THING to suddenly have a name that apparently... is a thing... that people feel.

I don't know if I have autism. some therapists say I do some say I don't.

apparently I'm just normal presenting enough for them to just write it off as ADHD...

see the main issues with my forgetful brain is I legitimately forget my own symptoms.

which can lead to a wrong diagnosis.

I feel like I'm insulting everyone in the autism spectrum. I feel like I'm making excuses. I...

calling it neurodivergent feels better.

it feels safe because it's an umbrella term you know?

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

i've been questioning if im arospec for a few months now and its driving me a bit nuts just doing it on my own so- - I used to think i had crushes but when i look back at them it was just aesthetic attraction - I love imagining myself in a romantic relationship but whenever someone suggests it irl my gut just goes "oh hell no fuck off". especially when someone says i "need" one - I only realized recently that the people asking me to prom were in fact, legitimately asking me to prom and not trying to make fun of me. i didnt want to go to prom anyway, the thought of it made me uncomfy and im not sure whether that was anxiety or the romantic part of it - I didn't realize people actually felt romantic attraction in like, less than a few months of knowing someone. I always thought that it took longer and people who got into relationships in less time than that were just desperate (which is a pretty rude thought of course, i know better now, but i still dont get it yknow?) I think neurodivergence is definitely affecting my romantic attraction too and i know i could just go unlabeled but im struggling rn

hi!! mod amaranth here

so unfortunately i think i can only provide suggestions for some parts of your ask. i'm not entirely sure about much for the prom bit.

I used to think i had crushes but when i look back at them it was just aesthetic attraction

I didn't realize people actually felt romantic attraction in like, less than a few months of knowing someone

these are both not uncommon experiences in the aro community!! i know i experienced both lmao (or something similar). i know the second one is especially common within the demiromantic community, i believe (do not quote me on this dfjkdf). demiromantic is an orientation where you only feel romantic attraction after forming an emotional bond first.

I love imagining myself in a romantic relationship but whenever someone suggests it irl my gut just goes "oh hell no fuck off"

i think aegromantic might be something you'll want to look into! it's an orientation where you enjoy the idea of romance, but don't want to actually have one. i once heard its sexual counterpart, aegosexual, described as 'in the head, not in the bed', and i think that's a very good description!!

I think neurodivergence is definitely affecting my romantic attraction

there are microlabels for that!! the only one i know of is nebularomantic, which is where your neurodivergence makes it difficult for you to distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction.

hope this helps!! <2