#im going back to sleep im so Upset
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just saw someone fancast florence pugh as vi and rhea ripley as sevika. i'm not sure we watched the same show
#first off sevika very much has melanin and rhea ripley very much does not#second. how about we get some actual butches pls.#like. florence pugh???? wheres the “this is the butchest girl twitter can handle befote they get scared” meme#this was on tiktok and all the comments were agreeing w the casting. did we watch the same show???!?!????#im going back to sleep im so Upset#arcane#vi arcane#sevika arcane
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just finished moving around/reorganizing my entire bedroom. i have cried three times today but now i’m laying in bed, my room smells of roses, and i’m eating french bread. this was not the bipolar hot girl mania i was promised but damn if i don’t do it well
#i haven’t been sleeping well at all whatsoever for the past two weeks and it’s gotten to the point where my dreams are so vivid but not just#like ugh i can’t explain it on here because im not about to open a whole can of worms like that in my tags and be like revealing#family secrets.#essentially i am having normal dreams but they are horrendously vivid and of no real purpose.#i woke up fucking like completely upset this morning and then started crying#my roommate thinks it’s because i haven’t been sleeping + everything else going on#and like ya know what she’s PROBABLY right#but even still i just need my body to LISTEN TO ME and stop being all sensitive!!!#i legitimately almost texted the loml this long text today and thank fuck i didn’t because who knows where that would lead#but i’ve been having dreams about them too and it’s frustrating me. like the universe is trying beyond all measure to push us back together#and i just have to keep saying no. it’s like this test of morality except it never fucking ENDS and the consequence is actually pleasure and#relief beyond measure. like— to even just kiss them again? to hear them say my name again.#whenever we’re out at the same time i can feel them staring at me and i can see them in my peripherals watching me#just fucking forcing this love into me. the feeling of their hands on my body and all of their questions about how i’m doing#god i can feel all of it.#i nearly fucking threw up last time a few weeks ago when they kept watching me and i got so overloaded with emotions and my fucking stomach#wouldn’t stop turning. but anyways right like— i cannot be with them and i don’t want to be. like yes im still attracted to them and yes i#feel all of these feelings but it stops me dead in my tracks when i remember what they said and the things they did.#i am not the woman who bends my convictions because i love someone. i can’t be that person. i won’t be that person. not for anyone and#not for them. but i see them in my dreams anyways and it is all too real and too present. it’s hardly ever the present so why. why why why?#it makes me terrified thinking that i will one of these nights just say yes and they’ll kiss me and everything that means anything in myself#will virtually mean nothing. like i won’t be a good person because i’ve knowingly allowed them to have me.#so anyways yeah and the fact that my snapchat memories and everything else are just FILLED with pictures and videos of us is killing me.#i really am scared that i’ll just give in. and what worse is that i would just double down and not tell anyone. i wouldn’t fucking#tell a soul if we did anything because i just know it isn’t right. and the fact that i know i wouldn’t be honest means i KNOW it’s bad.#so what the fuck. the fuck am i supposed to do when i have all these dreams and even just the ones about my mom and my brother#my family- i want to talk to them about it. i want to fucking cry to them and tell them how much it hurts that they hurt people and i’m just#some occasional exception to that because they love me. and i want to fucking scream. i want to know why. i want to fuck them until they#can barely breathe and then do it all over again. i want to feel their perfect fingers inside me and i want their mouth on mine. i fucking#HATE that they couldn’t be a good person. ugh okay anyways why did you read this??
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going to the dentist again tomorrow. scared ! scared !!
#camera talks#literally going to bury myself in a hole#i hate the dentist... i know i said this five days ago but its true and i hate it#and now im going back bc they fucked up my teeth or something#the pain has been so so bad#i have gotten some of the worst sleep in my life and ive only been able to sleep because im knocking myself out with meds#and i hate it !!!!#woke up at 5 in the morning today and couldnt sleep bc of my teeth#cant eat on that side of my mouth and i can barely drink cold water#ughhhhhh#i feel like im over-exaggerating but like. its fucking painful..#and it wasn't like this last time i got anything done but WHATEVER.#i cant not go so i suppose i have to just do it and i hate it so im allowed to be an upset child over this#vent#tbh it feels like it is so. might delete later too who knows
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everyone: I bet you're sooooo done being pregnant right!??
me: idk actually, I'm enjoying late pregnancy, I'm treasuring this quiet time with my husband preparing our home and minds to intentionally welcome our son, he can take all the time he needs I hope he's cozy in there! 🥰💞🤰✨️💗
my beloved beautiful baby and my body, conspiring together, adding on new discomforts every hour: lmao watch this *they high five*
#making a bebe#a night full of uncomfortable uterus action without being Real Labor#and waking up once an hour to use the bathroom#these things did not break me#but my dear sweet boy JAMMED his foot into my ribs as i waited to go back to sleep for the sixth time and that may have done it#im mostly upset bc everyone said i would feel this way at some point and i was like#no actually im a special pregnancy princess with a good attitude 🥰#how the turn tables. etc.#(give me time i can get back to irritatingly sanctimonious it's a special skill might just need a cup of tea first tho)#pregnancy cw#i feel like this gets a little graphic so just in case lol
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#im getting treatment and caring for myself so i will be fine don't worry#but i woke up this morning with bilateral back pain so the uti got worse overnight#because i couldn't get the antibiotics until this afternoon#so im still in pain and today was awful for other stupid reasons and im exhausted but also so upset at the idea of sleeping#i had a dozen mandatory things to do today and so i had to cancel the one thing i REALLY wanted to do (TTRPG group) because i was too tired#and roleplaying takes effort and we are about to roll initiative#so I had to do all the bad shit and cancel the good shit so nothing good at all happened today#so i do not want to go to sleep#but im too tired to even work on a puzzle because sitting up hurts marginally more#tomorrow will be better though so i guess there's a good reason to go to sleep#ughhhhh#rambling again
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:) the unit above me pipes burst so my apt is flooded :) it’s a great day
#i’m so disconnected i literally can’t feel upset rn#also i went on a stress walk and slipped and fell in the mud and :)#i’m being brave and strong#i’m waiting for the third bad thing to happen#i told my boss so i at least don’t have to work rn#but :)#i’m going to go insane the second my brain comes back to reality#rn im chilling and thinking about literally nothing#head empty#BUT THE APT IS FUCKED#i’m in the leasing office waiting to talk bc like the ceiling fan is leaking too and there’s water in the light fixtures and i’m scared to#sleep there tonight like??? can we get a new unit this shit is baddddddd#anyway ☺️☺️☺️ can’t think head empty!!!! please be empty !!!#noodle posting
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📓🖊️🧸
#i feel so lonely now bc i have no one to talk to sksksk#my sisters gets mad whenever i try to talk 2 mom and she just slammed doors nd got irritated at me#nd my mom is so stressed nd in a bad mood so she just got annoyed when i tried saying smth to her#so ig i should just vent to my bestfriend beloved diary confidant thats been here for me for 5yrs<3333#anywayyy today was rough.. i woke up w a headache after 3hrs of sleep :((#but still had to get up nd get ready nd eat boxed mashed potatoes for breakkyy 🤢🤮 (it's so gross after eating it everyday lol)#then w my hunchback nd achy stomach i went to school. it was frustrating bc ppl r so fkn rude#they bumped into me at the bus nd i had to sit like a weirdo caging my left stomach side from everyone. had to elbow some dumb fkn guy bc he#pressed his backpack into my side. so i had to basically push it away from me lol he thought i was so weird. but move tf away asshole??????#got to school nd checked myself in the mirror nd i was so pale i look like absolute garbage its annoying :((#it was next to insufferable to endure class bc my head hurt so bad (it was the worst part i think) nd i couldnt sit up straight so my back#hurt so bad too sksksks :<#but i managed to write a little but on my assignment#then i left a bit earlier bc i couldnt stand it anymore i was feeling so bad#wrnt to the library bc i had to return some books. could only carry two small ones tho so have to go back multiple times sksksk#felt soooo bad but ate some more disgusting mashed potatoes nd took a nap w an ice pack. took a migraine pill even if it upsets my stomach🤣#now a few hours later i feel better physically#buuuuuut im so miserable im not even kidding#idc if it sound pathetic or fatty but genuinely that moment w a cup of coffee nd a small chocolate treat everyday makes me feel sm better#like im not kidding!!!!! it does a lot for my peace of mind sksksk T-T#im so miserable bc i cant eat anything still im so hungry :((#and im weak. im pale. my skin's dry. it's itchy bc of malnutrition... i feel faint nd dizzy nd slow nd just not good at all#im so frustrated i hate this sm i wanna feel strong and healthy!! i dont wanna be constantly hungry. i wanna go to the gym nd go for walks#i wanna be able to sit up straight nd not get back pain!!!#i know i know it's only been 8 days since surgery and it takes time to heal i get it..... :(#but theres just too much going on and im so sick and tired of it all#mostly i just wanna be able to eat and feel strong bc i feel so weak nd i miss food so much sksksksk
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the guy i'm in the middle of breaking up with just went to sleep???
#while i was in the middle of saying why things aren't working out he literally leaned back and closed his eyes and now he's asleep#wtf????#what do i do 😭#i have been so stressed about this i was prepared for him to get really upset and argue i wasn't expecting this#i think he didn't realize i was breaking up w him he just thinks im talking abt relationship problems#but still why would he ignore me and go to sleep then??#lmaoooo#also its 2:30 in the afternoon#maybe its good it means he's not too upset bc he was getting really clingy and attached to me and i was expecting him to be really upset#anyway.#help#this has been a shitpost
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Honestly considering changing my career to a school bus driver after whatever happened in the local news yesterday
#tw csa mention#tw csa#for context yesterday the discourse in local internet was a user brings up that thete was a creep on tiktok-#uploading vids of minors riding his bus#and the caption is very very gross like one of it said “today my crush is doing her homework” like what the fuck dude#and there's literally one video of him where this girl sleeps and he tries to wake her up by kissing the girl in the forehead#and touching her body like literally gross gross gross you need to go to hell#whats more upsetting is that theres 600k following this creep and the comments are enabling this guys' behaviour#saying shit like it was just light teasing and woke ppl ruins everything and say their relatives does that when they were-#young and nothing happened like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuckk#it's really really really upsetting for me that people really back up groomers#like not sorry at all fuck you this is so personal to me#i dont want to say more but like this really affects me and I legit cry for this ugh#but Im really glad at least theres people with brains who vehemently objects this and brings this case to the law enforcer#and the creep's acc got banned just today and got arrested#im so sorry im a mess ive been in this stupid depressive mood for weeks but this one just really takes the fucking cake#i want to be a van driver just so kids dont have to ride van with creepy man#i dont think thay sounds so bad at all i like driving
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God this fandom is insane lol. I made a post the other day about negativity in the fandom and today my dash is flooded with "well sooorryyy if SOME of us arent mindlessly happy about this SLAP IN THE FACE of a fake sequel!!! we're allOWed to have FEelings and opINions that arent sunshine and rainbows!!!"
Which, yes, duh. But I really hope my post didn't spark these rants
Bcoz truthfully I was talking about the franchise as a whole and how lately it seems like no one has ANYTHING good to say about ANY part of the franchise which, while you're obviously free to have and voice your negative opinions, is nevertheless disappointing to see when you just wanna come on your Descendants blog and have a lighthearted good time
Think about how tiny this fandom is now. Aside from a few (talented and appreciated) creators, we really don't get a lot of new content. Do you want to scare off potential new artists, authors, or gifmakers from this fandom bcoz you haven't been able to think of a single positive thing to say about the franchise in god-only-knows how long??
Not saying people can't be upset about things in the franchise. Just saying if you can't find ANY joy in it, maybe take a step back?? I don't think that's too controversial a statement to make. But that's just my opinion!
#descendants#disney descendants#dcoms#disney#disney channel#descendants 4#descendants franchise#dizzy speaks#i mean i was grown when i first watched these anyway#so im not sobbing myself to sleep at night over how d4 is ruining my childhood#but its like i tell myself with every new shitty thing born from an old good thing#the best we can hope for is that it will put new eyes on our franchise#and let a whole new group of people go back and watch the other movies for the first time#and join and grow the fandom#positives babe#at least try a little#anyway feel free to make more passive aggressive vagueposts#or send me angry anons directly idc#i guess even shitty upsetting disappointing new posts about descendants is still content and engagement huh
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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love my leather boots sooo much.. polishing them at weekends is my favourite chore by far I always look forward to getting to do it :-)
#just re-lacing them rn so theyre ready for work tomorrow theyre so shinyyy muah#when my next payday comes around im gonna get a second pair so im not putting as much strain on the leather by wearing them everyday#but i think im gonna go for a different colour to my standard black.... ik solovair do similar ones in burgundy or bottle green hmm#well i have a month to think abt it before i decide!#red is my go to accent colour but green would probably fit better with my work wardrobe... and i do wear work clothes 5/7 days a week#anyway.... i need to meditate and then sleep. i usually settle down for bed 9:30 but im a little wired cuz new med change#so ive been putting it off until i feel actually tired so i wont stress abt not being able to fall asleep and then make it worse#i will probably feel pretty tired at work tomorrow but thats okay i dont have anything taxing scheduled#feeling so much better now this weekend is behind me. ik next weekend will likely be difficult again but im more prepared for it#i need to book myself this trip as well before train tix get too expensive so i have smth to look forward to next month....#just debating whether i actually want to invite other ppl or not. itd be rly nice for everyone to come but with recent events i feel-#a little delicate abt social stuff and i dont want to stress myself out and get insecure bc its meant to be a treat for me#like if i invite other ppl itll become their trip and suddenly im in the backseat third wheeling them all#and ill wish i had uninvited myself so they would enjoy it more etc but the POINT is its smth i wanna do!!!! for me!!!#we'll see how this week goes. i dont rly feel ready rn to unmute their server yet tho bc ill just make myself upset abt next weekend#letting sleeping dogs lie for now... ill come back around eventually it always takes some time to recover from mood swings that intense#okay now goodnight! xoxoxoxooxo#.diaries
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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it. Is SO fucking hard to stay motivated to keep writing when every other month theres a fucking AI Scare. Where my stupid dumb fucking ass says "you know, this time ill actually jump ship and go somewhere safe with my art!" Only to inevitably lose THOUSANDS OF FUCKING WORDS OF EDITING IT MY FUCKING ***O U T L I N E***, THAT ID GOTTEN TO LOOK S O FUCKING PRETTY AND FLESHED OUT!!!!
#horse.txt#vent //#ive been bawling my fucking eyes out for an hour im so upset#i cant fucking do this#i have to go back to google docs this is fucking insane#'cant verify your account license teehee! guess youll have to buy a new subscription!!!' verify this fucking knife in your windpipe#god... fuck man!!!! i dont want to fucking do anything now#i was just fucking actually getting started on the next chapter but nooo noo cant fucking have that ABSOLUTELY fucking not huh. huh#no fucking sleep. im mad tonight. im going to cry on the back porch. la llorona moment for the neighbors#try to fucking remember to shit i wrote. ggh.
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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