#im going back to sleep im so Upset
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just saw someone fancast florence pugh as vi and rhea ripley as sevika. i'm not sure we watched the same show
#first off sevika very much has melanin and rhea ripley very much does not#second. how about we get some actual butches pls.#like. florence pugh???? wheres the “this is the butchest girl twitter can handle befote they get scared” meme#this was on tiktok and all the comments were agreeing w the casting. did we watch the same show???!?!????#im going back to sleep im so Upset#arcane#vi arcane#sevika arcane
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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh
#🤖.txt#aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor#anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk#i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then#genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time#i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time#Idkkkk i just really hate living like this#thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle#that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months#ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well#just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do#Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing#anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right#im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have#Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier#But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while#aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t#evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be#vent
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everyone: I bet you're sooooo done being pregnant right!??
me: idk actually, I'm enjoying late pregnancy, I'm treasuring this quiet time with my husband preparing our home and minds to intentionally welcome our son, he can take all the time he needs I hope he's cozy in there! 🥰💞🤰✨️💗
my beloved beautiful baby and my body, conspiring together, adding on new discomforts every hour: lmao watch this *they high five*
#making a bebe#a night full of uncomfortable uterus action without being Real Labor#and waking up once an hour to use the bathroom#these things did not break me#but my dear sweet boy JAMMED his foot into my ribs as i waited to go back to sleep for the sixth time and that may have done it#im mostly upset bc everyone said i would feel this way at some point and i was like#no actually im a special pregnancy princess with a good attitude 🥰#how the turn tables. etc.#(give me time i can get back to irritatingly sanctimonious it's a special skill might just need a cup of tea first tho)#pregnancy cw#i feel like this gets a little graphic so just in case lol
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#im getting treatment and caring for myself so i will be fine don't worry#but i woke up this morning with bilateral back pain so the uti got worse overnight#because i couldn't get the antibiotics until this afternoon#so im still in pain and today was awful for other stupid reasons and im exhausted but also so upset at the idea of sleeping#i had a dozen mandatory things to do today and so i had to cancel the one thing i REALLY wanted to do (TTRPG group) because i was too tired#and roleplaying takes effort and we are about to roll initiative#so I had to do all the bad shit and cancel the good shit so nothing good at all happened today#so i do not want to go to sleep#but im too tired to even work on a puzzle because sitting up hurts marginally more#tomorrow will be better though so i guess there's a good reason to go to sleep#ughhhhh#rambling again
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#:- (#i feel bad#vent#and i know i shoudl go to bed and that im gonna be so tired tomorrow#i never sleep enough snd im always tired#but i just really really hate going to sleep idk why#and im just sad now about stuff that i thought i could shake off like i used to do with everythign#its like ive somehow gotten even more sensitive#and thats crazy because ive always been an overemotional wreck#but i used to be able to bottle it up and ignore it and hide it#but i suck at it now#and i hate it#i just want to ignore it but it keeps popping back into my head and i cant#and its so late and i should go to sleep so i can get up tomorrow and not feel completely dead but#i just want to. do the things ive told myself not to and i dont want to because im trying not to do it but i really want to#i feel bad and its gonna feel better now but i know that afterwards im just gonna be upset about it but itll be good rn and i feel bad#idk#why would anyone ever be my friend#i wish i would rot to death
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does everything suck or is it just me being over dramatic
#The sk trauma deniers (myself are fighting a hard battle (against myself also)#Me when life altering events alter my life: 😰#Vague venting because everything sucks and my shoulder blades feel weird and I miss him#And I miss the way life used to be and I miss being happy and I miss being safe#And I miss a lot of things and I hate a lot of things and I miss a lot of things that I hate#Struggling and I feel like there’s a lot of things I’m feeling that I don’t acknowledge out of the subconscious#(Example: very upsetting part of my dream in which I saw my ex. Clear as day. It was so awful I wanted to cry)#Everything sucks im going to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning for a little and then collapse into tears again#Killing myself party is back on actually. I miss the person I was I miss my sister I miss my family#Everything is different now and I wish what happened never happened even if I refuse to acknowledge it happened sometimes#I just miss. A lot. I wish I could just shut off all of this#Vent#I’m fine just tired and feel like everything is crashing …..and I’ve been thinking about one thing my dad said#“Not to encourage your little relationship” ?????? I have never felt more like shit#I know I haven’t given a reason for my parents to like the people I’ve dated but the one time I date a guy who is genuinely so kind#And they’ve been hearing about him for over a year and they’ve even met him they still don’t want to trust me#It’s utterly awful that I feel like I’m improving for him rather than for my family#I should want to improve for both. But it’s so demotivating. I do it for him#Ugh….vent over I hate this shit
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:) the unit above me pipes burst so my apt is flooded :) it’s a great day
#i’m so disconnected i literally can’t feel upset rn#also i went on a stress walk and slipped and fell in the mud and :)#i’m being brave and strong#i’m waiting for the third bad thing to happen#i told my boss so i at least don’t have to work rn#but :)#i’m going to go insane the second my brain comes back to reality#rn im chilling and thinking about literally nothing#head empty#BUT THE APT IS FUCKED#i’m in the leasing office waiting to talk bc like the ceiling fan is leaking too and there’s water in the light fixtures and i’m scared to#sleep there tonight like??? can we get a new unit this shit is baddddddd#anyway ☺️☺️☺️ can’t think head empty!!!! please be empty !!!#noodle posting
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every time it's the end of the year i feel like i'm going insane like the entire year just culminates into me just mcfreaking losing it on new years eve
#first of all i am so tired. my cat is on this horrible schedule where she wakes up at like 11pm and so i end up staying up to play with#her until like 2am bc im like she slept all day she needs to play which is fine but i get up at 7 every morning and so ive been doing this#for like 2 weeks straight and im so tired. so last night at like 1am i was just playing with her just sobbing bc im so tired#but i feel so guilty just going to sleep when she wants to play so im like im not just going to not play so im sitting my bed#throwing her stupid little yarn for her just crying and she's like :) watching me throw it back and forth im like ok.#but that's whatever bc idc i'll do anything for her#then since saturday there has been this Smell in my hallway and i have looked everywhere for it and i dont even know what it is#but it's like a sour kind of just really irritating smell and it's not strong but it just lingers#and ive searched EVERYWHERE. and nothing is wrong so now i'm thinking maybe#something died on the roof in my bathroom vent fan thing bc i leave my bathroom window open all the time but#last night it was almost completely closed bc it was cold last night and i was like ok yeah it's stronger in here now#so i just taped a trash bag over it to see if it goes away and if that's it then i have to deal with that#also im getting my period so i know that's why im upset at all#then i have a lost package that ive been waiting for since a week before christmas and i was like hey can you guys like help me find my#package like it's not the company's fault but i wanted to know if they could like idk contact the shipper or something#and theyre like oh it's just tracking error :) it's on it's way#like ok. it's in a city an hour away from me and it's been in limbo between ups and usps since the 19th so no it's actually not coming at#all i think but they keep blowing me off#then i have to go to the store right now and i know it's going to be so crowded and anyway ok im done dumping and complaining#i just feel like im drowning rn but im going drink so much champagne tonight and forget it all
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body let me sleep pls
#logbook#went to rb a flower pic but then i actually read the descrip without my glasses even and uh. no lol#'the amazing expeditioners of an early century who totally discovered this flower before anyone else and also all on their own' wtf#just say its named after them not that they're amazing. going to go back to sleep a fucking plant post on tumblr.com making me mad#woke up bc ive been having literal hate dreams abt work and being angry and stressed abt work.#i legit have not stopped thinking abt work even when i clocked out. im soo. . .this week was so upsetting. truly.#im probably going to get up and go back to sleep later. take a nap midday#i really dont want to leave the house at all but i probably will have to go out and do some errands. yesterday i spent my whole day at rents#which. fuck me man now i have one day to get stuff done. its fine cause i did some stuff but still. im exhausted and havent had a day to me.#guess if i do stuff today then i just allow myself to rest after work this week. or i can run an errand or two the next few days.#whatever. hello im alive just mad abt it lol
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the guy i'm in the middle of breaking up with just went to sleep???
#while i was in the middle of saying why things aren't working out he literally leaned back and closed his eyes and now he's asleep#wtf????#what do i do 😭#i have been so stressed about this i was prepared for him to get really upset and argue i wasn't expecting this#i think he didn't realize i was breaking up w him he just thinks im talking abt relationship problems#but still why would he ignore me and go to sleep then??#lmaoooo#also its 2:30 in the afternoon#maybe its good it means he's not too upset bc he was getting really clingy and attached to me and i was expecting him to be really upset#anyway.#help#this has been a shitpost
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God this fandom is insane lol. I made a post the other day about negativity in the fandom and today my dash is flooded with "well sooorryyy if SOME of us arent mindlessly happy about this SLAP IN THE FACE of a fake sequel!!! we're allOWed to have FEelings and opINions that arent sunshine and rainbows!!!"
Which, yes, duh. But I really hope my post didn't spark these rants
Bcoz truthfully I was talking about the franchise as a whole and how lately it seems like no one has ANYTHING good to say about ANY part of the franchise which, while you're obviously free to have and voice your negative opinions, is nevertheless disappointing to see when you just wanna come on your Descendants blog and have a lighthearted good time
Think about how tiny this fandom is now. Aside from a few (talented and appreciated) creators, we really don't get a lot of new content. Do you want to scare off potential new artists, authors, or gifmakers from this fandom bcoz you haven't been able to think of a single positive thing to say about the franchise in god-only-knows how long??
Not saying people can't be upset about things in the franchise. Just saying if you can't find ANY joy in it, maybe take a step back?? I don't think that's too controversial a statement to make. But that's just my opinion!
#descendants#disney descendants#dcoms#disney#disney channel#descendants 4#descendants franchise#dizzy speaks#i mean i was grown when i first watched these anyway#so im not sobbing myself to sleep at night over how d4 is ruining my childhood#but its like i tell myself with every new shitty thing born from an old good thing#the best we can hope for is that it will put new eyes on our franchise#and let a whole new group of people go back and watch the other movies for the first time#and join and grow the fandom#positives babe#at least try a little#anyway feel free to make more passive aggressive vagueposts#or send me angry anons directly idc#i guess even shitty upsetting disappointing new posts about descendants is still content and engagement huh
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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love my leather boots sooo much.. polishing them at weekends is my favourite chore by far I always look forward to getting to do it :-)
#just re-lacing them rn so theyre ready for work tomorrow theyre so shinyyy muah#when my next payday comes around im gonna get a second pair so im not putting as much strain on the leather by wearing them everyday#but i think im gonna go for a different colour to my standard black.... ik solovair do similar ones in burgundy or bottle green hmm#well i have a month to think abt it before i decide!#red is my go to accent colour but green would probably fit better with my work wardrobe... and i do wear work clothes 5/7 days a week#anyway.... i need to meditate and then sleep. i usually settle down for bed 9:30 but im a little wired cuz new med change#so ive been putting it off until i feel actually tired so i wont stress abt not being able to fall asleep and then make it worse#i will probably feel pretty tired at work tomorrow but thats okay i dont have anything taxing scheduled#feeling so much better now this weekend is behind me. ik next weekend will likely be difficult again but im more prepared for it#i need to book myself this trip as well before train tix get too expensive so i have smth to look forward to next month....#just debating whether i actually want to invite other ppl or not. itd be rly nice for everyone to come but with recent events i feel-#a little delicate abt social stuff and i dont want to stress myself out and get insecure bc its meant to be a treat for me#like if i invite other ppl itll become their trip and suddenly im in the backseat third wheeling them all#and ill wish i had uninvited myself so they would enjoy it more etc but the POINT is its smth i wanna do!!!! for me!!!#we'll see how this week goes. i dont rly feel ready rn to unmute their server yet tho bc ill just make myself upset abt next weekend#letting sleeping dogs lie for now... ill come back around eventually it always takes some time to recover from mood swings that intense#okay now goodnight! xoxoxoxooxo#.diaries
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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it. Is SO fucking hard to stay motivated to keep writing when every other month theres a fucking AI Scare. Where my stupid dumb fucking ass says "you know, this time ill actually jump ship and go somewhere safe with my art!" Only to inevitably lose THOUSANDS OF FUCKING WORDS OF EDITING IT MY FUCKING ***O U T L I N E***, THAT ID GOTTEN TO LOOK S O FUCKING PRETTY AND FLESHED OUT!!!!
#horse.txt#vent //#ive been bawling my fucking eyes out for an hour im so upset#i cant fucking do this#i have to go back to google docs this is fucking insane#'cant verify your account license teehee! guess youll have to buy a new subscription!!!' verify this fucking knife in your windpipe#god... fuck man!!!! i dont want to fucking do anything now#i was just fucking actually getting started on the next chapter but nooo noo cant fucking have that ABSOLUTELY fucking not huh. huh#no fucking sleep. im mad tonight. im going to cry on the back porch. la llorona moment for the neighbors#try to fucking remember to shit i wrote. ggh.
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