#ill probably actually delete this later

[mizzical]

i miss you teruko i miss drawing you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you love love...

[doostyaudi]

//suggestive images

Made these cuz uhm. Uhm. Im not sure actually. For funsies or something. Eroticisim of the machine or something idk im new here

God i am SO CRINGE but i am... Free?

[skunkes]

[natsmagi]

sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents

first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!

what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)

i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....

i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?

which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!

all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

First day at work I don't have a booking in two straight weeks, which means it may also be the first day at work I leave less than an hour late...

Of course I started the day with a 20 min nosebleed, and my heartrate is being fucky again.

And yesterday my doctors said my Ehlers Danlos referral was rejected by Rheumatology because "pain in joints with hypermobility is normal, affects 3.4% of the population, and we can just treat you for that". MY GUY. EDS IS NOT JUST HYPERMOBILITY. Ignoring that actually knowing what the fuck is wrong with me is sorta paramount to my mental health, you know who else needs a diagnosis or they don' believe anything is wrong? The government. Y'know, who give me the benefits that I live on so I don't starve to death (well, the latter is arguable given what I get but)

I *may* have gone on a rant about being passed from pillar to post and hopefully my doctor is gonna try and argue my case, especially given both my physio and the chronic fatigue clinic specifically requested this referral... I expect as per fucking always I'll slip through the cracks like everything else.

I'm so sick of this underfunded NHS I wish they'd stop cutting money to it, at its best this service is phenominal and on certain areas of my health I can't fault it, especially A&E when my heart has been shit.

I keep looking at private healthcare but on disability benefits with barely part time work as it is (and I'm only just about breaking even with work too, I don't make a profit but I do it to keep me sane more than anything) I have no money to go private- even if my health costs me my life, I have no choice but to waste my energy on gaslighting doctors and services that want nothing to do with complex comorbid physical illnesses and disability. My ME/CFS has gone from Mild to Moderate-to-Severe in large part entirely down to this bullshit.

Gods I hope something changes before this fucking kills me. I'm just so fucking tired...

Rant over

[biblicalhorror]

God I know everyone is celebrating right now because trump looks like an idiot and Harris easily wiped the floor with him but. I can't help but feel defeated by the things she was actually saying. Not even a platitude about climate action being important. No mentions of the recent shootings, just affirming her own personal gun ownership. Continued insistence on the US having "the most lethal military in the world" and reaffirming Israel's "right to defend itself."

Like. This debate was Establishment Republican vs. Delusional Republican. I know what's at stake right now, and I don't think we have anywhere near enough time to mobilize behind any kind of third party solution, so I will be voting for her when the time comes, but it just feels so bleak.

[certified-silly-guy]

I summon mentally ill fucker and use split to draw 9 more personality’s!

[robinsnest2111]

sorry for disappearing. I promised I wouldn't do that again but it's always the thing I fall back on in desperate times. idk how to stop doing that

I'm just so tired and in pain, I wanna lay down and cry and never get back up again

[rizavii]

sorry still mad at that allura post. fandom will really bring out the racism in people like nothing else will. we need to start putting bitches on blast actually. block button isn't enough I need a Monetary Compensation For Having To See That Post button

"she's fictional" yeah but your attitudes to black/brown people in media will 99.999% of the time mirror your attitudes toward black/brown people irl. without fair when I've given vehement allura/katara/korra haters a chance they have been aggressive and racist to me and my friends.

it's just. god it's so tiring to see racism fucking everywhere. and every bitch is an anti-racist advocate until they're confronted and suddenly brown people are just too much to handle. I get so fucking tired.

[purpurussy]

literally haven't eaten anything all day (it's gone 7pm) or been outside in several days or slept more than 4 hours/night in the last week so im probably just being insane for no reason atm but

i feel like I'm at a weird sort of crossroads with this blog?

when i made this account i saw it as kind of an experiment in vulnerability and positivity. i said i'm gonna try my best to post what's in my heart and not care whether it does numbers or not. if people like it they like it, if not that's okay because i like it and i'm having fun. and i'm gonna practise some kind of general radical positivity/acceptance towards others too. like i promised myself i would not allow this to be anything other than a positive experience, a nice opportunity to express myself in a way that's disconnected from how people see me irl and maybe connect with likeminded people along the way

and once i started writing fic i literally couldn't stop, like the idea of being able to share my writing and have other people enjoy it too is so exciting and motivating to me. there is so much happening in my google docs atm and it feels so good to be writing again after years of feeling too depressed to create anything

however unfortunately i am the grumpiest most insecure person on earth and i have never let go of anything in my life. i've already been unable to stop myself from wading into discourse™ and the general social media fomo/insecurity is starting to get to me. like when did i go from just gleefully shouting into the void, to constantly checking my activity, trying to figure out the best times to post, literally crying when my stuff doesn't do as well as i wanted it to??? taking note of which posts flopped and which ones did well, so i can post more of the popular content instead of just posting what i want. none of this is even real, yet it's been bothering me in a very real way. most of which is just my brain turning it into a negative experience for fully self-imposed reasons

i do think social media is poison in general. and i know it does not work at all for someone who is very prone to having a complete menty b at the first sign of any kind of rejection. and i know a big part of the problem is that i'm attaching too much value to this blog and how people respond to my posts (I have been connecting with my friends irl more lately, but social media is literally designed to prey on the part of your brain that perceives social rejection as a threat to your existence so unfortunately it feels like this matters to me a lot more than it should. also my irls do not want to hear about dan and phil lmao)

idk if i should just accept that this is not good for me and delete, or if it's possible to once again achieve the carefree fun i was having at first. maybe if i can work on my irl issues i'll start to feel a bit better and then it won't bother me as much?

i'm also sort of wondering how much i should reveal about myself? like i want to feel completely free to post as much cringe/insanity/weird smut as I want. and if i was posting in a way that would be easily traceable back to my actual identity then i'd definitely be a lot more careful with what i say. but on the other hand i wanna get to know people better! it would be fun to hop into a discord and actually have a conversation with people rather than just rambling in the tags on their posts. so i'm not really sure what to do with that either. it's kinda fun to truly exist as a completely formless entity in a way, like im literally just tumblr dot com slash purpurussy and there's something freeing about that, even if it does make me feel like i'm missing out on a chance to connect with people properly sometimes

also that idea scares me! everyone on here is genuinely so cool and wonderful and it gives me such a huge dopamime hit when someone i admire likes my stuff. so it's just scary to interact with people more because it feels like oh no they're gonna realize im actually a cantankerous little troll that lives under a bridge and is a nightmare to talk to lmfao

this makes no sense and i'll probably delete it in a bit i just had to get it off my chest

[horrorknife]

the thing that really Gets me is how much adam and lawrence absolutely broke the mold and subverted john's expectations so much. john thinks he can predict most human behavior, and based on the way we hear him talk about lawrence throughout the movies, he clearly didn't have a high opinion of him At All before putting him into the bathroom (duh why else is he there), but i don't think he expected lawrence to fuck it up so bad.

really, yes, the bathroom does have a massive hand in changing lawrence, but i think adam's presence is what threw a wrench into how everything was going to go. i think if it had been anyone else, lawrence might not have done things the same way. adam, even though he's inflammatory and terribly mean at times, the same way lawrence is, has more empathy available to him and voices that on several occasions. this contrasts lawrence HUGELY because lawrence is so self-centered, his entire world is in his own head. but adam, despite lawrence shoving and pushing and reacting first with anger and never understanding, is kind and gentle at times. lawrence's sincere moments are few and far between, and certainly not as frequent as adam's, but i think they're just as important.

adam changes lawrence so hugely that he may as well just have ripped the floor out from underneath the guy. you SEE it happen. he crawls over to adam after adam kills zep (and i think this detail is incredibly important because ADAM is the one to kill the guy who lawrence assumes has killed or severely injured his family. adam's killing him bc he thinks zep is jigsaw but lawrence makes it personal to him like he does everything.) despite the fact that he's bleeding the fuck out and shouldn't be taking extra time, but he Needs to give adam some semblance of comfort because he's realizing Finally that this isn't just about him and never was. he thinks he'll be able to come back for adam, he means it when he says that he isn't lying; this is lawrence's turning point, this is where he undergoes the biggest change. and adam doesn't believe him, because he doesn't think lawrence is the type of person to change, he thinks he's lying because that's all he's heard lawrence do for eight hours straight. and it fucking kills me because even though they've started to know each other in ways no other human will ever understand, adam can't trust lawrence because he has no reason to while lawrence basically rewrites his entire life philosophy because of what happened with adam in that fucking bathroom.

[hobbinch]

I'm turning into the joker over seeing fellow white non-Jewish leftist friends and acquaintances sharing posts scoffing at the idea that Jews are native to the land currently called Israel and Palestine. Israel's gov't is clearly using tactics from the US Genocide playbook to evacuate the land and dominate its residents. That doesn't mean you can paste American dynamics of Who's Indigenous/Native And Who's A Colonizer directly onto the situation.

You can't absolve yourself of the guilt of being a settler in America by taking it out on Israelis. Some people claiming Jews aren't indigenous/native are saying that because their goal is 0 Jews in Palestine or any neighboring countries. At least do a minute of work to make sure you're not fucking platforming those people.

[artsy-1diot]

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE A PEPPERMAN COSPLAY I NEVER POSTED.........

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[impostorsshow]

Eugh, making a disclaimer I'm not proship or antiship but this does discuss that topic so. Beware or whatever I'm gonna post Hatsune Miku tomorrow

I've had it on my mind for awhile and this is my fucking soapbox and I'm allowed to do what I want so; those fucking "recovering proshipper" TikToks drive me fucking insane are those ragebait and I'm just falling for it or what because all of the comments are fucking genuine and all of them are just shit like "what I ate today" and not even fucking related, like stop mocking people recovering from Actual Disorders and life damaging events

YOU DO NOT. "RECOVER" FROM PROSHIPPING this proship/antiship bullshit is stupid and everyone on both sides just needs to touch some fucking grass and that's coming from someone with a vitamin d deficiency

[totaleclipse573]

Why do I gain and lose motivation for my fic every five days lmao