#ill probably delete this later but im just so fucking tired
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I'm turning into the joker over seeing fellow white non-Jewish leftist friends and acquaintances sharing posts scoffing at the idea that Jews are native to the land currently called Israel and Palestine. Israel's gov't is clearly using tactics from the US Genocide playbook to evacuate the land and dominate its residents. That doesn't mean you can paste American dynamics of Who's Indigenous/Native And Who's A Colonizer directly onto the situation.
You can't absolve yourself of the guilt of being a settler in America by taking it out on Israelis. Some people claiming Jews aren't indigenous/native are saying that because their goal is 0 Jews in Palestine or any neighboring countries. At least do a minute of work to make sure you're not fucking platforming those people.
#ill probably delete this later but im just so fucking tired#if you try to project something im not saying onto this post ill blow you up with my mind#a Jewish holiday about trying to remain in Bethlehem and practice Judaism is an especially weird time to claim Jews aren't from there....#fun fact: the history of the area didnt actually start in the 1900s!
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#at some point i just need to accept my brother has essentially taken my dog#and maybe if i accept it ill get over it#im clinging to that dog with my fingernails and as per usual i have to be the eldest daughter#and just let my things be taken#im just. this isn’t worded well. im just. very tired of this.#i do EVERYTHING for that dog—feed him take him to the vet groom him bathe him#and just.#sigh.#ignore me.#delete later#i just still remember the time my dad told me i shouldn’t allow him into my room#so he’d be encouraged to go into my brother’s room#bc my brother was really depressed and refusing to take his antidepressants (which he STILL doesn’t take#THIS MAN IS 33 FUCKING YEARS OLD)#and i wish i had just said something like ‘do you realize how unfair that is to me?’#but ofc he wouldn’t bc im the eldest daughter. and no matter how many times i point out how unfair that is to my parents#nothing changes. it just. im expected to just deal with it.#with shit like my dog—MY. FUCKING. DOG.—becoming my brother’s#as if my mental health doesn’t matter#and listen im on antidepressants and they make a helluva difference#but that dog is mine. my one thing. and now he’s not.#sorry im also probably gonna start my period any day now so im hella fucking emotional#i just miss my dog.
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guys what if i.....stopped trying
#its so weird i have like a 61% in geometry aka a failing grade. and i just fucked up a test we did. and i genuinely dont care#or do i care and im just trying not to#i mean its my fault i failed i didnt stify#i have literally never had to before so idfk its hard to adjust maybe??#same with that chem quiz i totally fucked it up#i just. idk. whatever#all i wanna do is stay in my room and eat as much as i can and idkkkk#i probably do care cuz we have a test next week for chem and i might study for it#mm. but maybe not#hh ig i will cuz ik i should i just dont care idk. kinda tired all the time nowadays lol#im pretty sure i dont have depression btw i think this kinda sounds like it?? like the only thing im losing is my ability to care abt#things that would make me nervous or upset. i still get very overly excited over like a.ce a.ttorney or smth#idk but. yeah ive been pretty tired. maybe im just burnt out i think im being dramatic lol all my problems are very self inflicted#yeah. sorry its sad girl hrs ill delete this later#vent#misty muses
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Why do some milgran songs make me so unreasonably sad
#i look at the lyrics and go “oh. concerning” bt also like. auhfjsbsu#this is about both of shidous songs and generally kazuis whole deal#id say purgemarxh but i. dknt listen to it (bell sound hirts my ears) magic can make me sad every nownthen tho#like ahT the fuck why do the old men make me the saddest. waht the fkck#sand speaks#misssplelling is somwhat purposeful i dont want this in the tags but like. also im eepy#it may be like 3 in the afternoon but im eepy ok#and im listening to triagenthrowdown on looop#probably deleting this later ahajaksb#someone tell me im not just tired n emotional thses songs can be so. concerning and sad#oh context im looping songs to write translyrics for myself#if i get a good mic ill record em as covers maybe. prolly not
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#vent post im probably gonna delete later but i just have to let things out somewhere#p sure i just had a mental breakdown or smth. idk if ive ever screamed so loud and shrilly#as if i don't have enough stress and i just wanted some comfort and my mom instead decided to make me feel horrible#im currently sitting on a rock in place that's kinda like a forest and it's cold but whatever.#i briefly considered j*mping in front of a c** on my way here so. yeah. dw i would never actually do smth like that but.... im so tired#how the fuck im supposed to stay positive when im afraid ill be homeless in a foreign country in less than 2 weeks#i cant stop crying it's like the whole world is against me and i honestly wish i didn't exist#i could just stay out here until the cold makes me numb or whatever. though it's only +1 so it's not even that chilly#my posts
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Wowie I wish I could go back to college where I could do a few nights of bad sleep and be fine. But here I am at almost 30 and had insomnia for a few days and didn't sleep much and it put me into the closet I've been to a crisis pretty much ever.
#this will hopefully be night 2 of sleeping (i stopped the meds that was causing the insomnia) and hopefully ill be more okay tomorrow#also dont go to grad school#probably one of the worst choices you can make for your mental health#im hoping ill be able to think more clearly tomorrow and work towards figuring out if im actually doomed and fucked everything up#or if its just the lack of sleep#vent#delete later#i am very tired of everything and tired of grad school and the suffering.#and theres just so much more suffering i need to push through and im so tired
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Minecraft skeleton save me
#i exist#im so fucking tired and i don't usually make posts at all especially like this but im not sure what to do anymore#the main thing keeping me sane is my Minecraft hostile mob oc's but im not sure how long thats gonna last either#but the other half of the verse is run by my partner and im the one thats hyper fixated on hostile mobs not them#each half cannot exist on its own too well#im not giving context cause no ones going to read this and thats for the best honestly#i just find it very amusing and sad how one of the reasons im still alive right now is because of a struggling Minecraft skeleton twink#ill probably delete this later but this move was rougher than i thought
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#delete later#too anxious to sleep. which sucks bc i was having a decent brain weekend after the migraine debacle#but nothing to be done. i just hate being in limbo so much. i wanted to look at applying to that other job but changing#jobs AND moving at the same time is a real bad financial idea. especially if I'll need to move alone. its no ones fault#just shitty timing. so now im super anxious. idk whether to check that job out anyway. it would certainly improve things if#i could get a better wage. but its not gonna be in time so whats the point ya know. i hate unknown. im just super tired#i keep putting off getting a therapist until i know i can budget it but at this rate that may be never so maybe i just do it now#bc my level of functioning is not great and maybe i can get help. im just so tired all the time.#theres also a lil bit of frustration that if i do move out alone it will be somewhere shittier. like it just will be. and i wanted to#be in a less shitty place. but at the same time yeah it makes sense and is fine and rhe warning is good. just the news sucks.#but it is what it is. and I'll live with it. its no ones fault shit just sucks sometimes. but im being dramatic. no one knows the future#but at the same time i need to process abd be alright with worst case#i cant do a house share again. i can't. so it'll need to be a studio so I'll probably end up in kent which is fine#one upside would be that itd be way easier if i wanted to have a Hot Boy Winter or whatever. fuck yeah.#its fine ill chill out. im just in the processing phase and that Always Sucks#maybe i could get a beetle. or a rat. the possibilities are endless
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Someone please just set me on fire already I fucking hate this
I'm having sooooooo much fun not knowing if something is a genuine issue I have or just some dumbass thing I do because I'm a lazy incompetent fucking dumbass who has no fucking chance of getting into college because he can already barely do the fucking work he's given lolololol
Oh and I'm really enjoying the social isolation!!! I fucking love not being able to feel safe or trust the people I used to be good friends with and can't bring myself to try and actually talk to them!
I'm having such a grand time having people tell me I need to start trying because bitch I have tried and I crashed and burned so I fucking give up! And my parents try saying that I can tell them anything like mf how am I supposed to tell you I've lost almost all reason to live and every day is just another reminder how much better things would be if I just never existed looooool
God I'm so fucking tired. I want to go home
#also before you panic no suicide is not a card im currently considering. its a thought but im a little bitch who cant commit lol#god i want to scream cry and throw up#im sorry for getting personal and ill probably delete this later but im just so fucking tired and i want to cry#i had bite marks all over my hands with tears on my eyes and my art teacher still just went on about how i meed to work#i dont expect sympathy but a simple are you okay would be nice#but then again the last time someone did that i shouted at them so lol i domt deserve shit from anyone anymore#welp im gunna go hold in my tears for the rest of the day because god forbid i open up
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aight im making a post so i can say im using this shit like an actual diary
right now i have a grandeur of disorganization on my phone (laptop too but thats been a piece of junk since forever, fuck acer), between the basically full storage, mostly from the gallery (as of now i have a grand total of 93k photos. yes, 93 000 photos and videos.) plus my socials are fucked between the excessive saved and liked posts on instagram, same goes for tumblr here and twitter (i dont really use twitter, i only have an account to like and bookmark posts) and the youtube playlists and chronology.
plus my room is all messy with my not enough space for clothes and random papers and shit thrown together on any surface
i decided i dont like that and im changing it.
for the storage, i have already started deleting quite a bit, right now i deleted like 2300 elements but theres a lot more. sad part is that a lot of it is porn, wether drawn or short videos. im not gonna go full monk and delete all of it, though it would be easier, cause some of it i like. not to talk about the amount i already had to transfer on the laptop when i was tired of receiving warnings about the full storage in the last 2 years. i was also thinking of doing a backup of the whatsapp chats on the laptop so i can delete all the data on the phone storage. it would save me like 6 gb but its kinda extreme.
for socials, the solution is the same. tumblr: gradually remove liked posts i dont need to keep saved, and post what ive been keeping to post like i should have. last i checked, i had like 35k liked posts, and again, a lot of it porn. im not sure i want to post porn and erotica on this blog so for now im reblogging it on an alt, hoping it doesnt get deleted again. then ill have to unfollow some of the 4k blogs im following. guess what part of them are?
instagram, im not even going to remove all of the saved posts. its the social i used most to scroll at, i dont have the option to see how many posts i have saved but i dont think it would be an exaggeration to say i have at least a million. yea i know. im just going to get to a certain post i remember saving this summer, once im at that i will probably make another account altogether since i would never be able to clean all of it. i started this on around mid to end january, and as of now im just at mid october. after something like 20 non consecutive hours. yea its bad. it wouldnt be worth it to go past a certain point. better to just make a new one at that time and be more careful there.
youtube, i have the same problem of all social, i open a video just to keep it in the chronology so i can check it later and maybe save it. ive done it far too much. at least youtube is much faster to clean, but again i would never be able to check every single video i have left in the chrono to save at a second moment. thankfully once im done i could just go on settings and choose to do a tabula rasa of it, removing it completely.
twitter is probably also not worth the trouble of sitting thru all the posts i liked as a way of saving them. i probably shouldnt even care about it. this one has the least priority.
saved tabs on the browser? the easiest one by far out of all of it.
my room and the house in general, there isnt any second road, i just have to first remove and throw what i clearly dont need, store away whats left with some degree of order and hope i saved some space, and try to keep clean, plus store things with stricter orders so its cleaner. after my room and things, its time for the rest of the house.
all of this will be slow, gradual, and a major pain in the ass, but it has to be done and i intend to do it.
and all of this doesnt even include having to remake and update my cv and linkedin in preparation for when my contract ends, planning what to do for university between tests and papers and documents needed and all that, and this arguably has higher priority than all of above time and importance wise. but yknow. actually you dont know. even i dont know.
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I cannot be stopped-- I am everywhere djdjjsjejs
#ooc ;; ᵖᵗᵉʳᵒᵈᵒˡᵖʰⁱⁿ ˢᵖᵉᵃᵏˢ#;; delete later ;;#the day i decide to take over the rpc is the day the world ends#im building an ARMY-#luckily the only blogs i have planned are....two maybe three#and one of them is reliant on whenever the fuck oda gives me a face reveal(vegapunk)#the other is when i get the time(dr. indigo)#and the other is when i fianlly stop procrastinating on making a design- (ludwig; glass logia)#so none anytime soon(unless oda throws me a fast one and then Vegapunk is soon)#ive been developing hcs for the last like ���� half a year...#im very excited for vegapunk#give me another scientist oda; i dare u. im collecting them as muses like god damn figurines-#i guess i could make indigo soon. hes just moving to his own blog rather than multi because i love that botanist a lot#serious indigo is really good. im biased towards strong world but hes REALLY GOOD!!!#anyway.#if anyone wants to chat ooc ill be around c:#im tired but ill be around!#also probably thinking about vegapunk now LOL hes on the brain now. faceless...but there-
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*deep breath* *screams*
#i was able to maintain a healthy weight for three whole years i almost forgot what its like to be this underweight and i hate it#every time i fucking stand up i almost pass out#even worse i forgot to eat lunch today bc ive been working on school. its about three hours past the time i usually eat lunch#just realized i havent eaten and tried to get up to make some food and not only did i almost pass out like i have been every time#now that ive regained my balance and my fucking eyesight i can still barely walk straight. like my head is fucking swimming#because i committed the Egregious crime of eating three hours later than normal#what is my body a fucking cat now???#no. no i gotta be nice its trying to keep me alive and its kept me alive for 23 years#im just. so tired of this. i went through this for 20 whole years and i FINALLY got better there for a while#but now bc i made the grave mistake of having my wisdom teeth removed im back at square one. lower than i was three years ago actually#currently at 113 lbs as a 5'8" person and still dropping 🙃#at least i can eat solid foods again now but... i dont know if ill be able to gain the weight back#nothing has ever worked in the past besides mirtazapine and im still on that but its not doing anything for my weight anymore#fuck. heart palpitations. great#make it stop please make it fucking stop i hate being underweight i didnt wanna go back#weight loss tw#ed tw#just so i dont trigger someone with an ed#rambling#probably gonna delete later i got so good about not ventposting but#there are a lot of things i can just shove down and ignore and this is not one of them like id almost rather be being abused again#health problems and bdd are both such a bitch#i gotta stop panicking and actually eat before it gets worse
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do NOT rb this or start discourse you will be blocked
#one#two#three#four#five#im soooo tired of transmascs who r also not lesbians defending transandrophobia#im a transmasc dyke and i do NOT want to be associated with the term or the shitbrain who coined it#you are throwing trans women and lesbians under the bus and your lack of empathy is absolutely fucking repulsive#ill probably delete this later it just makes me so fucking mad
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When will god give me a fucking break? 😩
#i dont wanna talk ab it but its been nonstop stress for over a goddamn year and im so tired#im tired of having to give and give and GIVE and hardly ever if at all get any of that faith/care returned#why do we have to be the ones everyone falls on bc everyone else in the family are selfish fucks? why cant we just be left alone and shit#why does god keep giving us so many trials and shit?? WHERE IS MY FUCKING PEACE?!#me at god: COME OUT WE JUST WANNA TALK#idk if this needs a religion tw or not lmao#marquilla#ill probably delete this later
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dont rb /// people see my post about joshua being an asshole and think that i dont adore him and love neku/josh as a ship and think that that post is somehow "proof" joshua should be hated or smthn and im like lmfao im blocking you babe byye
#i simply have no time for ppl like this and dont want them interacting with me. like fuck oooofffff#my post abt joshua was from a place of love bc hes an interesting and complex character#and i wish ppl would actually acknowledge that rather than pretend hes all bad or all good#christ i hate fandoms so fuckign much im so tired of all of you#rot posts#ill probably delete this later i just blocked someone that annoyed me so im. bleurgh
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#delete later#finally dragged myself out of my lil depressed time enough to start my physio routine properly again so yay me#my foot still hurts like a bitch but i dont think it is fractured. i havent been contacted about an x ray but i doubt ill need one#idk what the fuck is actually wrong with it but hey its probably not bone stuff#i need to be real careful aboit the way i walk thoigh bc the way i was balancing on my bad foot was making my hip and other#ankle complain a LOT so ive changed where fhe insole sits in my shoe to hopefully support it better#i still cant bear weight on my toes but its at least not excruciating anymore#god im sick of injuring myself. my finger locked up again this morning. doctor said it probably was trigger finger and shed#pass me on for a steroid shot in the joint. low-key hoping shes forgotten to do it bc that sounds like it fucking sucks#that one spot in my foot is still swelling daily as well. no idea what the fuck is happening there#im very tired of it. but hey. got the energy to do my exercises and thats better than nothing#and completed both bracers just waiting on the rings so i can make the straps#trying not to buy worbla bc i dont have the space to do anything#oh well
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