#im pretty sure i dont have depression btw i think this kinda sounds like it?? like the only thing im losing is my ability to care abt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

iesharael-blog · 6 years ago

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1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there.

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary: “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

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askjennie · 8 years ago

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Its long, I'm sorry. You dont have to read if you dont want, I just needed to talk and possible advice.

I can’t make this anon but please dont post it. I’m really glad I found an advice blog. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Its just the same shit everyday with me and I know its getting old. I just haven’t tried to talk to anyone in a few years and I feel like I’m getting bad again. I needed to talk to someone but I promise I won’t bug you all the time. You dont even have to respond but I had to get it out and hopefully you might have a little support. I’ve been with my bf for almost 6 years. I know the obvious answer to what I’m about to say but its harder then it seems to leave someone you’ve spent so much time with. It started out amazing or seemed amazing like any new relationships do. He hasn’t done anything for me in the entire relationship. He waits for me to come on weekends so he can use my car and spend my money. I’m 25 btw and he’s 28. He does have his own problems and I’ve respected that. Hes bi polar and has bad anxiety and depression. Since I’ve been with him, I’ve now gone through bad depression and have anxiety. I’ve worked hard our entire relationship and all he does is ask for the money and never says thank you. Just expects it. He never feels bad or tells me he feels bad about not working to help or anything. We have gone through a lot together and one pretty traumatic experience. I do love him with all my heart. I just dont think I’m in love with him anymore. I dont want to lose him or be without him but I really dont know why. When I stay with him on the weekends, he barely even looks at me. He’s on his phone all the time. I really do know that at least when im there, he isn’t talking to girls. He’s just obsessed with football and is in a lot of different chat groups and leagues and shit like that. I can’t speak for what he does when I’m not there but I know he doesn’t when I’m there and I’m like 80% sure he’s not cheating on me. It still really hurts that I love him so much and he really doesn’t care if I’m there at all as long as I bring the money and car every weekend. We have sex about once every 3 months and even then it lasts like 5 mins and it wasn’t intimate. And yes he does take care of himself during the 3 month off time. I think what is making me need to talk so bad today is something that happened yesterday. Yesterday was Easter and I was getting ready for my family gathering and I had food in the oven and I was getting dressed and had about 15mins before I needed to leave. He decided he wanted to have sex randomly and I told him I wanted to wait until later when we didnt have to rush and I could enjoy it. We haven’t had sex since Feb and I wanted to be able to enjoy it. He kept saying we wouldn’t rush and it would be good. I kept telling him to wait until later and that I didnt have time but he kept trying to turn me around until finally I just gave up and let him do it. it was kinda like I just knew he wouldn’t stop but also I didn’t want him to get mad if I really didnt let him. So after a few times of pushing him away I just let him do it. I feel so stupid sometimes. I always feel used, whether it be sex or money or transportation. I dont know if he truly loves me or if he really does just take advantage of me. I feel like he does love me but doesn’t realize how much he is taking advantage of me. Every time I confront him, he will somehow turn it around and make me feel stupid for thinking it or point out how he fixes my food or something stupid. “Or how at least he isn’t cheating on me, could be a lot worse” and somehow I lose all my words and just can’t fight back. I still know its not right but he always makes me feel bad for thinking it. We got a dog together 2 years ago. she stays with him all the time and I go on weekends. You know how dogs (especially chihuahuas) pick their person that they seem to go to and love most? She picked me. Every time I go there, she doesn’t leave my lap, she follows me everywhere. I love that dog more then anything. And thats my problem. Its so stupid. How can I leave him and more then likely never see her again? How can I do that to her? She’s not going to understand why I’m not coming anymore. What happened to me? I feel like I am completely stuck. I know how to get out but I feel like it will kill me if I try. But its killing me to stay. Killing me slowly but still hurts so much every day. I’ve lost the person I was before I met him. I built another person after depression (which never truly goes away) and now I’m losing that person. I can’t be with him anymore but I dont think I can be without him. I sound pathetic, I know.

Thank you for being here so I could write that. like I said, you dont have to answer or anything but it would be nice. itd just be nice to get a different kind of answer or advice on how to make it all easier. Or advice on an easier way out or how to cushion the fall. Idk. Just something other then “girl, leave him… You can get another dog”. thats not an answer to me.

Thank you again!

Jennie: This is what you’ve told me about this relationship:

He expects your car and money from you and isn’t grateful for it.

He doesn’t say thank you when you do things for him.

He barely looks at you when you’re together.

He cares more about talking about football online than he does about talking to his girlfriend.

You say that you’re 80% sure he isn’t cheating on you, as though it’s okay or healthy to be 20% unsure.

You’re not in love with him any more.

He’s raped you. If someone pressures you and coerces you into having sex, until you ‘give up and let them do it’, that is rape. If you have sex with someone because you’re worried that they’ll get mad if you don’t, that is rape.

It’s clear that this is an unhealthy situation for you to be in. This guy clearly doesn’t care about you. He cares about himself, and he sees you as a way to get things that he wants. That might hurt, and it might be difficult to accept, because you’ve invested so much time and energy into this relationship, and you care about him. But this isn’t going to get any better. He’s not going to suddenly, magically turn around and say “actually, I’m going to start treating my girlfriend with respect”. If you care about your safety, your health and your future, then you need to end this relationship.

Tell someone you trust about what’s going on (a friend, or a family member), and ask for their support in helping you to leave him. If you’re worried about how he might react, break up in a public place, with witnesses, or even over the phone if you have to.

Is it possible for you to get custody of the dog? That might be something worth fighting for, if it’s the only thing keeping you tied to him. But if he treats her well, then you may have to let her go. That is a tough situation to be in, but you need to put your own safety above everything else. It’s not a good choice to have to make, but the best choice you can make is to stay away from the man who sexually assaulted you.

For more information, advice and support, I recommend you contact RAINN or the National Domestic Violence hotline in the US, or Rape Crisis UK or Women’s Aid in the UK.

#advice #ask me anything #rape #unhealthy relationships #dog #relationships #advice blog #advice column #askjennie

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ladyloveandjustice · 8 years ago

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The Great Ace Attorney Replay: Apollo Justice, Case 1

We’re back to chats w/my girlfriend for liveblogs! Don’t worry she claims she enjoys this. I’m Caitlin, she’s luci. Me: Playing Apollo Justice. The most relatable thing about Apollo is he yells "I'M FINE" over and over before a trial even when he isn't, because he thinks this will make him magically become fine. He's like the living embodiment of the 'this is fine' comic.

Luci: inspiring

big fan of that coping mechanism myself

Me: Phoenix u know his name's not "Mr. Fine" don't be an asshole.

yeah same here

Phoenix is on trial for murder. he is extremely calm about it though he doesn't give a shit.

Luci: he probably did it

i bet he did it

Caitlin: The judge seems sad about this awww. But then when we're discussing motive he's like "maybe the victim insulted the defendant's piano playing?"

yeah i can totally see Nick killing someone bc they said he sucked at piano

luci: he can play piano??

Caitlin: he cannot. but he does anyway

Luci: i see...

Caitlin:literally the first sentence in his testimony is "I'm a pianist by trade right now but I can hardly play at all"

He's good at poker though which attracts customers to the club he works at. And apparently it's totally legal because they don't actually bet money. ok sure whatever phoenix i totally believe you.

"Lies??? AS IF. Phoenix Wright would never lie." oh Apollo. oh poor sweet summer child.

Payne is our prosecutor for this trial btw. Now that I think of it he's the first prosecutor in every game, it's ace attorney tradition.

Luci: i forgot who that was and then this came up on google and i bol http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/aceattorney/images/8/8a/Winston_Payne_Portrait.png/revision/latest?cb=20160930032639

Caitlin: yeah that's from this game actually. he grew his hair out over the timeskip

Being a hobo has allowed Phoenix time to master passive-aggression and sick burns apparently. Payne's all "it's hard for a hardworking member of society like me to imagine" Phoenix: "Yes, well your imagination always was a bit limited, Winston."

Luci: dang

Caitlin:"I plead silence on the murder, but i didn't touch the murder weapon" PHOENIX THAT IS NOT HELPFUL.

luci: also probably illegal

once youre on the stand you have to answer

unless you’re gant i guess

Caitlin: apparently not in dystopian japanifornia anymore

Luci: "did you do the murder"

"actually im gonna sit back down sorry"

Me: I can't believe Phoenix found a way to accuse some random person in the courtroom of murder even when he's just a witness/suspect. And this time it's a defense attorney (Not Apollo, his boss who is there with him).

The Judge is like "Mr. Wright why are you accusing your own defense attorney of murder" and Phoenix is like "well technically Apollo is my defense attorney" Phoenix...

Luci: how old is apollo here

Caitlin: 22. Poor thing. He is not ready for any of this.

Luci: oh i thought he wsa like 10 for some reason

Caitlin: nah, he's an adult.

Luci: for some reason i thought a 10 year old attorney would be perfectly normal and accepted in that universe

[Note from me in the future: She’s right it would be]

Caitlin: "how do I expose this guy for murder if I'm not a lawyer i've got it i'll just hire one of his subordinates as a defense attorney and make them do it for me while he's right next to them.. Let's find one that's young and impressionable"

that's basically what happened here. How did he even know who to hire. Did he just go into the office and look for whoever reminded him of himself before his innocence was shattered. probably.

luci loool

Caitlin: the judge isn't even surprised with Phoenix he's like "this is not even the most ridiculous thing I've seen you do whatever."

Luci: judge has seen some shit

Caitlin: Phoenix's cell phone is evidence here- i just examined it and the batttery's held in with tape. "why didn't he just buy a new one maybe he just doesn't care" once again, i feel you phoenix.

Luci: had a gameboy with the back held in by tape for like 9 yaers

its like $1 to replace it

Caitlin: Phoenix is in the defense's bench now. He didn't even ask Apollo or anyone he's just like "I'm here now" He seriously gives zero fucks about anything right now it's hilarious..Maya do you see what happens when someone's not watching over him. we need you here. U too Miles. Control your Nick.

awww his objection music is playing that's cute. Even if he lost his badge he's still got it.

Just finished up the case. Apollo's boss is in jail! Which means he doesn't have a job anymore,Phoenix just came in and instantly ruined his life.

Luci: happens

Caitlin: We had some super convenient evidence show up that tricked our killer into confessing and Phoenix is like "oh yeah I forged that whatevs".

"A defense attorney can't do that!" "Well, who's calling themselves an attorney?"

Edgeworth finds out he accidentally presented forged evidence: I HAVE WALKED AN UNJUST PATH HOW CAN I CARRY ON

Phoenix deliberately presents forged evidence: well i'm not a lawyer anymore so who gives a shit lol.

Apollo got mad and punched him in the face. yeah u kinda deserved that.

He doesn't even react, oh my god Phoenix. Please get some help. He is really beyond done.

Luci: somewhere on the done spectrum tho

theres a sweet spot where you dont care about anything but dont feel awful

and dont care that you dont care

ive been there a couple of times its pretty alright

Caitlin:I think he probably does feel awful though, he's just really good at hiding it. iirc correctly his inner monologue seems to indicate he's depressed.

"Next time you punch someone try yelling "take that", I find it that phrase adds "oomph". Amazing advice Phoenix what would he do without your mentorship.

Luci: and you have to make an UHHHHN sound whenever you say "!"

Me: Phoenix is like "well if u want a job u can come by my office anytime" yes you made a great first impression I'm sure he's all pumped up to work with you. (if you're confused, it's not a law office anymore iirc, it's literally a "whatever we feel like right now" office)

#the great ace attorney replay

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raemots · 5 years ago

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14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am. Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life.

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.

#february 14 #february

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foulfurywombat-blog · 7 years ago

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Any Florida (Tampa) insurance agents out there (auto)????

"Any Florida (Tampa) insurance agents out there (auto)????

Well its pretty simple i have a car now and i know how much insurance i am paying now but i have a few questions since i am going to change cars in a few months i am looking at getting an Suv something like a jeep srt-8, trailblazer ss, maybe acura RDX but im not sure what kinda things make insurance cheaper like AWD vs FWD or RWD, auto vs manual etc so if you are an insurance agent and could help me please email me or im me. Thanks BTW some background info: 17 years old Male no accidents, no tickets

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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My daughter is going to be 17 soon and is looking to buy a small car, ie corsa. Does anyone know the cheapest place to get car insurance for young drivers. She would prefer to have the insurance in her own name to build up no claims discount.""

What are Insurance groups all about?

And... 1. Is a 1.4 engine car okay for a 17 year old? Or does it HAVE to be 1.2 2. Honda Civic or Volkswagen Polo? 3. A rough idea on the insurance cost per year for third party fire and theft?

Will a B average my freshman year apply to an auto insurance discount?

I had a 3.2 last year (my freshman) year, and as of now I have about a 2.5. I'll be getting my car soon, so if I can't bring it up by then, will they accept last year's GPA so I can get a 10% discount?""

What is a good name for insurance company?

Since Obama wants to make the health insurance mandatory. I thought that the only way to survive in the USA, is to start my own insurance company. Please help me to come up with the name.""

Who actually has health insurance?

Just about everyone I know doesn't have health insurance. This sounds pretty bad. Who actually has health insurance?

How much would getting a cast cost me in the US with and without insurance?

I'm a US citizen studying in Canada. Sunday, I fractured my wrist playing football. I saw a sports medicine doctor on Monday, who sent me for x-rays and informed me I had a fracture. He told me to go to the hospital to get a proper cast. The fracture clinic there had closed for the day so I went to the ER, where they wrapped me up and took another x-ray. I saw an orthopedic specialist this morning who set my fracture (ideally I should have come in immediately after the incident and had it set then), after which they took another set of x-rays to check if the setting worked. The prognosis is good. I didn't pay a cent in all this, as I'm covered under the University Health Insurance Plan, which all international students in Ontario get, as the Ontario Health Insurance Plan only covers residents, anything under OHIP is covered with UHIP. I'm curious, what would the cost have been had this happened in the US, with and without insurance? Thank You""

Affordable Student Health Insurance if I can't be on my parent's plan?

My parents are Japanese citizens in living in Japan and the insurance I currently am in with them obviously won't cover me in the U.S. I am going to be a college freshman and wonder if anyone knows any affordable student health insurance plans/companies. The plan provided at my school is a bit pricey and needs me to pay it all at once in the beginning which I can't do. Any affordable and numerous-payment-planned insurances?

What is the cheapest insurance company for georgia drivers under 18?

Any Florida (Tampa) insurance agents out there (auto)????

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-car-insurance-going-cheaper-because-i-getting-learners-santa"

0 notes

comicteaparty · 7 years ago

Text

August 24th, 2017 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on August 24th, 2017, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on Tangled River by snowshadow.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

Good day everyone~! This week’s Comic Tea Party is now officially beginning. Today we are discussing Tangled River by snowshadow~! (https://tapas.io/series/Tangled-River) For those new to CTP, discussions about the comic are freeform, so please feel free to bring up whatever you wish. However, every 30 minutes I will be dropping in a discussion question to help those who would like a prompt. These questions are totally OPTIONAL to answer so pay them no mind if you wish~! Remember, constructive criticism is allowed, but the primary focus here is to have fun and appreciate the amazing comics that the community makes~! Each chat a top comment will be picked and featured on an ad for this chat, so let’s have a great discussion~!

With that said, let us begin with this first question~!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

mathtans

I'm going to go with the scene just before Tanya walked into the council chamber. Basically telling her friends to vamoose, and the guy was like "yup, don't tell me twice" and Licorice gave attitude but left... felt very true to character, and like a turning point, and I think I was right about that.

RebelVampire

i found it really funny how licorice gave her attitude. until tanya told her what she was going to do and then was like nvm you are crazy bye

although man i feel like there is some really intense generational divide. which makes sense for the situation. but at the same time im really curious why they felt it was so dire they keep it to themselves that terra nova crashed

mathtans

Yeah... I feel a little awkward about that, actually. Because I'm older, and a teacher to boot, I have this tendency to shake my head a lot at the beta kids, because of some of the things they do. I am not necessarily the audience for this comic.

I feel like there may be a bunch of reasons, anything from it meaning they're not getting help, it's orbit has been decaying because it was affected by the rest of the tech stuff, to the exact opposite. It might be working and change the balance of power everywhere. Not something you'd normally tell people.

I guess what I'm saying is, I find myself on the side of the "interfering" adults a lot of the time.

RebelVampire

thats fair. i mean i dont disagree with them. albeit i tend to try and see both sides. cause i mean for sure the betas are kids and dumb. but such is the nature of kids. but i can understand their frustration. especially licorice cause i totally agree that in their situation its way more practical to learn survival skills than it is to learn history and such. not to denounce the importance of history. just being able to study history seems more like a luxury. but regardless i do think the comic means for you to see the adult side too and not just empathize with the kids.

mathtans

Yeah, I do have to give massive, MASSIVE props to the author for the realism there. They definitely feel like real kids with real, believable issues. Just, geez, the way they deal with authority... but that's my personal issue. It's good that you can approach it from both sides.

(But, y'know Tanya, if you HAD listened in geography class, like you yourself said... okay, okay...)

RebelVampire

haha tanya is admittedly kind of dumb. but im gonna give her some slack if only because her upbringing clearly was lacking. like part of me wtfs the adults' ability to parent because theyre like "ah yeah this woman here is depressed and looks barely capable of caring for her child. i could do something but nah, she can raise tanya probably."(edited)

mathtans

Licorice is actually a peculiar character. I took something of a disliking to her from the start. Just with the way she seemed to be "out for herself" more than caring about her friends. I've sort of warmed up, but I think it's a bit at the expense of Tanya, because of how she actually isn't as observant as she wants to think.

Yeah, Tanya needs slack because of the mom depression issue. I wonder if she's not prone to the same sort of symptoms down the road, or maybe there's already hints.

When you're basically taking care of your parent for years, you probably do think you can just trek out into the wilderness. Couple that with the fact that you want to STAY with the parent you've been caring for, and I can see why Tanya pulled the stunt she did with the medication. Still kind of a low blow though. I'm glad she told in the end.

RebelVampire

haha another moment where i questioned the parenting. like i know the alpha made her a promise, but this is one of those moments where if he broke the promise i dont think too many ppl would consider it bad parenting at least. cause tanya is clearly the most useless member on the team and putting everyone at risk, just like they thought she would. but at the end her motivations and actions do all make sense

also

i definitely do have mixed feelings about licorice. cause she is very selfish and tbh i think shes an awful friend. since she only ever seems to get tanya into trouble or gets mad at her for reasons even im still like "what why would you be mad about that child?"

mathtans

Oh, whew, not only me then. I wouldn't say she only ever gets Tanya in trouble (she did help kill that animal thing, and there's times when Tanya gets herself in trouble by bringing up the wrong thing in the first place) but we don't see her really caring on those times when Tanya's trying to do the right thing (like not steal the key, or is worried about where she went).

Licorice seems a good friend to Kobei. Less to Tanya, and yet Tanya's the one worried about their relationship. Like, if you have to worry that much, I'm sorry dear, maybe you need to find a new bestie.

RebelVampire

definitely a new bestie

QUESTION 2. Tanya’s life changes drastically after she witnesses Terra Nova crash to the planet. Having blackmailed her way onto the expedition, she and several Alphas travel out into the wild to find Terra Nova and salvage what they can. Do you think they will manage to find Terra Nova eventually, or will they retreat back to safety? If they do find Terra Nova, what do you think they will find, and how will it affect Tanya and everyone else?

mathtans

I wouldn't mind seeing more Licorice/Kobei, actually. Because obviously Licorice has good qualities, Kobei seems pretty on the ball about stuff.

RebelVampire

yeah i agree. itd be nice to see their relationships delved into more. albeit i also just like kobei in general cause kobei is pretty capable and also decently nice since he had more patience for tanya

mathtans

I don't see them retreating back to town. I might see them getting shanghai-ed back somehow, or Tanya somehow having to turn back, but they seem pretty committed. I have no idea what they'll find there though, I think more information has to come out first, like from her mom's fevered dreams.

Assuming they all survived that assult in recent pages. Wow, that went south quickly.

Kobei's an interesting window into life on the planet before humans arrived. Actually, related, I wonder how much of a language the author created. When Licorice and Kobei talk to each other, we don't really get to understand them, but I'm thinking there's gotta be a dictionary Snowshadow created.

RebelVampire

im certain theres at least a dictionary of commons phrases just to keep everything straight. idk tho. i mean i can definitely see leeway to take liberties.

in regards to the terra nova i dont think theyll retreat, albeit at this point it may be hard for them to even find their way back. although if those alphas did survive that assault maybe they go back while tanya and them go forward.

mathtans

They've still got maps. That should be helpful.

RebelVampire

part of me wants them to find nothing of substance just cause i cant imagine anything abandoned that long is in good shape and crashing into a planet is also not good

mathtans

Btw, I'm not sure you really answered Q1

I feel like there will be losses on this journey. I kind of want there to be something, even if it's just confirmation of some theory they had, to make those losses worthwhile.

Hopefully not more skeletons. That was kinda creepy.

RebelVampire

im gonna hope tanya finds like one book. maybe a cook book. a cook book sounds useful in their situation

and no i didnt answer Q1 O_O youve seen through my schemes

mathtans

Oh! Hey, excellent call, I'd forgotten about the rarity of books. As long as they're not all technical manuals, that could be really useful.

I am very clever about schemes.

RebelVampire

as for Q1...hmmm....i think my fave scene is actually when tanya witnesses the terra nova crash cause i feel like the imagery really kind of expressed how itd feel to suddenly see some giant flaming thing burning up in the atmosphere. cause i felt there was this sense of wonder about it since its kind of juxtaposed to the natural nature

mathtans

Actually, thinking of books made me think of history, and it's real interesting how the comic has this "history repeating itself" vibe, in terms of "trying to help them" [the natives], and it backfiring drastically, because maybe learn about what's going on rather than subjugating. I don't feel like that's "in your face" either, it just kind of works.

That's cool. It was also kind of "her thing", only she saw it.

(Refering to your answer in that last sentence btw)

Related to the history was in how there's that division in the adults between telling their children everything, and having them just learn how to deal with the aftermath as being the important thing.

Lot of thought put into this. Uncomfortable questions.

RebelVampire

yeah. i really liked the thing with the natives. cause i dont think it was portraying it entirely bad since to a degree there werent bad intentions. cause i mean trying to give ppl schools and such isnt inherently awful. but on the otherhand the alpahs definitely seem to have this sense of superiority in regards how they view the natives. like the comic definitely seems to know its a complicated topic

i really wonder if what set the natives off was the technology failing tho. cause the alphas are so reluctant to tell the truth, maybe something else happened

mathtans

Yeah... definitey makes one wonder a bit about the event that messed up all the technology, really kind of putting them on level footing. Licorice's remark about "giving them things that became useless" rang true. Was it a cyclical thing? Is that why they never have advanced to that state, they never get the chance?

I remember Kobei saying something about a thing happening every three generations.

Of course, it could also be something from their ship in orbit that accidentally misfired. shrugs

RebelVampire

yeah and for the natives its hard to say. cause theyre pretty spread out. like kobei's tribe did not look that big at all. and if you have the majority of your labor force working on other practical things like hunting and gathering then you dont really have the labor force to advance tech along.

in retrospect im concerned that in general they were okay with semi colonizing an occupied planet

the alphas i mean

cause they even built that huge roadway

as if it was no big deal to disturb the native population

mathtans

Right, and there seem to be a bunch of them - and everyone seems to have spots, including the animals. (Which must be significant, it was pointed out at some point even, but darned if I can figure that out.) Yeah, you probably don't really have a need for roads either... you're right about the alphas there.

Maybe they didn't have a choice. It was 40 years on a ship, maybe it was this or nothing.

RebelVampire

i wonder what their initial goal was? were they studying the planet?

mathtans

Which is not a very good reason for doing what they did in the way they did it, but.... hm. I kind of doubt that? I mean, it's true everyone on the ship seemed to be a scientist, but why introduce technology to a group you're trying to study? Wouldn't that mess up results?

mathtans

Oh, quick shout out to the start of Book 2. That was a really clever way of reaffirming the characters, looking at them in terms of who a hero might be.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. One of the biggest mysteries in the story is what caused all the technology to suddenly cease functioning. Despite the numerous scientists around, there are only really theories. What do you think caused the technology to fail? Was it natural phenomenon, divine intervention, direct sabotage, or something else?

mathtans

My inclination there is to say it was natural, but induced by the fact that the humans showed up (like a catalyst)

RebelVampire

oh yeah i really liked that moment where she was determining the hero and the villain. it was too true to life about how everyone is the villain or hero of someone's story. and i feel it was a bit meta too for the comic cause even tho tanya is the protagonist, i would not label her the hero persay. which is something i like about this comic. the ppl just are. some are jerks, some are nice. but theyre just ppl first and foremost.

wait gonna tie two questions together. what if what they were doing was studying the planet's magnetic field or something like that? and whatever their experiments did messed stuff up and took out the planet's powergrid?

mathtans

I'm vaguely reminded of the DS9 episode where that one colonist person had put a piece of technology in the woods to prevent the use of all other technology, and Sisko and O'Brien got trapped in that society for a while. I don't think it's necessarily like that (one scientist somehow using tech to screw with all the tech), but I think tech could have caused some electromagnetic interference or... I'm not that smart with tech.

Yeah, something like that, that's good!

But, like, took it out because it spontaneously caused trees to grow over something important.

The foliage on this planet must be impressive, given how they said they had to keep clearing the roads, and how overgrown they've become in less than 20 years.

Also, looking back at your remark about Tanya the protagonist, you're right, she definitely has flaws - some she acknowledges, others she doesn't like being aware of her situation - but she does seem like a good vehicle for the story. (Even though we havent' really seen evidence of the pilot being a real jerk.) Though, at the same time, I guess we know Tanya survives, if this is sort of being described in retrospect? Or is it?

RebelVampire

its definitely written in past tense. its just hard to say from which point. like is it after everything is done and she's safe at home with blef and a coffee. or is she writing soon after things happened? like each night adds a bit to the story but its in past tense cause it already happened. so i still feel tense about tanya's fate cause its hard to gauge her position she's writing. maybe shes trapped on terra nova on a cliff and is dying and is like "welp here are my last thoughts"

mathtans

Oh, totally random aside - did Ep 16 (All That Useless Stuff) load for you on Tapas? It didn't for me, but I just went to the author's personal site.

RebelVampire

no it didnt load for me. i had to do the same to read the page.

mathtans

Yeah, that's a good point. She could be writing it at any point in the future. (I think Blef's gone though... actually, that was something that bothered me at the time, she just went and released him without talking to anybody. Like she knew best, even though I'm not sure she does.) Wow, that would be dark though.

Just a note for SnowShadow to check that page then. ^^

RebelVampire

the blef thing broke my heart. but its cause i also thought blef looks like a baby. hes probably gonna get eaten in like 20 seconds

mathtans

Would Blef still be accepted back into a community after having been with humans? Some animals wouldn't be (at least here on Earth).

You're so dark tonight! Or I'm just not as cynical as usual.

Related to narration, the caption boxes are usually placed well, I find. Any thoughts about the art or art style? I have some thoughts.

RebelVampire

my thoughts are that its well done but it also reminds me of like comics from the 60s and 70s. cause a lot of the not mainstream stuff had that style, particularly one shot romance comics. not that that its a bad thing that its like that. just very unique and atypical for whats popular in webcomics atm

mathtans

Okay (I don't know the historical context myself), but I do find it rather unique. Realistic, in some sense, in terms of portrayal of facial features and the like. Also, WOW, I know I'm very basic in terms of what I do, but I tend to avoid hands... sometimes I'll look at a panel and think, if I were doing that, I'd totally have avoided putting the hand on the heart or the face there, but this person went for it, and did it well. Kudos.

Sometimes I'll wonder about the choice of a pose, but I never really get the sense that there's "cheating" to hide things the artist doesn't want to draw.

Of course, as an amateur, what do I know.

There's also the detail in the forest and things that I'd have blurred out or outlined.

RebelVampire

yeah i agree theres definitely not the sense of trying to hide flaws. but to be honest with this sort of art style ive always found the flaws add more character. cause back to me thinking the comic reminds me of comics of the 60s and 70s, the thing i remember most about those comics is they were quirky and things just werent usually perfect. like most of the comics i read the people were really flawed, so the fact there were artistic mistakes kind of fit that message of nobody is perfect. so i get that same impressiong from tangled river. that the fact there are quirks in the art just suits the fact these are not perfect ppl.

you remind me that one thing i really appreciate about the comic is the background details

there are a lot of parts where im like "yeah most ppl wouldve given up on that amount of detail"

mathtans

Characters could appear more "quirky" at times, you mean, when there's flaws?

RebelVampire

yes. cause i definitely notice sometimes when the pose is a bit off for the anatomy XD but it comes off as more quirky than it does flaw

which is kind of the ideal place you wanna be imo

mathtans

Gotcha.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Due to the stress of the situation and generational gap, kids like Tanya find themselves lacking in a lot of knowledge about their parents’ past. The parents seem reluctant to talk about Tanya’s father, their relationships with the natives of the planet, the years they spent on the ship, etc. Which item from the past would you be most interested in learning about? Do you have any theories about one of these past taboo subjects? Why do you think the Alphas are so reluctant to share?

mathtans

Tanya's father, yeah, that's a whole question itself almost. How does she compare to the others agewise again?

I remember there was that one scene where they was saying there were 23 of them, and she was wondering about a boyfriend. (Weird to me how that particular thread was kinda dropped... related, weird that the parents wouldn't let them be with the natives, when there's obviously a gender imbalance, unless they figure some of the kids are LGBT.)

I wonder if the whole "Protocol 9" or whatever it was called (I'm bad with names) came about due to something related to Tanya's dad.

RebelVampire

oh i never considered that. that the one protocol that got licorice all pissy had something to do with tanya's dad.

honestly dont know the age relations tho. im kind of vague on their ages in general

outside of "not adults"

mathtans

I just randomly thought of it now while wondering about him.

RebelVampire

albeit we know tanya is the oldest of all the betas

mathtans

Yeah. It's not that integral to the story. She is the oldest though? Okay, I thought so, but wasn't sure if I misremembered.

If so, she could be the reason some of the protocols went into place.

And why some of the Alphas are reluctant to talk. They don't want to stigmatize.

(Totally random theories!)

Of course, the Alphas might also not want to share because, if the kids knew, they wouldn't be able to respect the older generation any more. Which would probably be an issue, and not just for the Alphas, presuming the kids decided to reject even the sensible advice.

RebelVampire

part of me wonders if the alphas really are kind of holding out for a ship. so they dont want to become too ingrained to life on the planet subconsciously. although id assume they dont want them getting with the natives cause they arent sure whats going on genetically. cause sure tanya seems super fine and healthy. but maybe she can catch a sickness humans cant or something. and so they dont want to chance it because they cant run tests. or maybe they feel tanya's birth is somehow to blame for her mother's condition. theres just a lot of unknown factors so i could see why theyd be not apt for it

speaking of which it occurs to me that tanya doesnt have spots

mathtans

They're definitely holding out for something (otherwise why keep all the useless appliances rather than trade with the nomads), but I have my doubts about a ship, particularly after that speech about how Earth would have had to start constructing a new ship shortly after they left. (Incidentally, there's clever little exposition drops like that when I least expect them.)

Yeah. Noticed that. Maybe the issue of breeding with the natives is that the result of the union doesn't carry a lot of the native genes. They don't want the species to die out.

Particularly not after facilitating them dying out from giving them appliances that no longer work and a bunch of them possibly had forgotten how to hunt by then.

Actually, how long HAVE they been on this world? The Alphas were taking anti-aging pills or something. Could have been a hella long time, right? Maybe that's another reason for secrecy.

RebelVampire

yeah cause we know they were on the ship for 40 years. but not really how long theyve been on the planet itself. and i doubt a roadway like that was constucted overnight. so theyve probably been around a long time.

this makes me wonder how far they are from earth tho

wait....

mathtans

Maybe not overnight, but I suspect a lot faster than we'd be able to do it now.

Waiting.

(Actually, the road had all those towers and everything, electronically activated... had to be pre-fabricated or something, right?)

RebelVampire

so i always assumed the 40 years on the ship were while it was in orbit but some of those years or all of them might have been travel time. so im gonna say maybe theyve been on the planet for twenty-ish years cause they mentioned a ship would take another twenty to get to them?

yeah all the buildings would definitely be pre-fabricated to a degree

or maybe they just have super tech

i really wish i knew how their space travel worked. cause if they found FTL travel that changes the whole time scope about help coming.

mathtans

Gotcha. I guess I assumed the 40 years on the ship were all travel time! Followed by at least 30 years before the tech went poof, and another 15 or so after that. Weird how people assume things.

Honestly, the space travel and that isn't that interesting to me. I'm more interested in Tanya's personal connection, with her father and her apparent interest in drawing which I presume came from something when she was young.

To each our own, of course; I've already said that as a teacher, who shakes his head at some of the (very believable) teenagey actions, I may not be the target audience.

Now that they're in a new city, we'll probably get a better sense of what's become of the world in the time they've been away. That may help with timelines.

Actually, the skeletons - how long does it take for people to, uh, decompose, wow, things I didn't really want to ask, hum.

RebelVampire

i only care about the space travel in this case for wrapping my mind around the timeline. but to be fair the fact we dont know makes me feel a stronger connection to tanya and the betas. cause were kind of in their same position where we wanna know stuff but they dont wanna give up the goods and wanna be all secretive about it.

not that long

which is vague but i remember it was quick

cause i looked it up once

mathtans

That's a good point. Not being in the loop helps empathize with Tanya that way.

Oh, okay then.

Hmmm, any final thoughts? It's kind of nice that Earth has worked out some of its differences, what with there being different nationalities represented on this mission. And seems a universal translator was not an item that ever got invented.

The worldbuilding was well done in general.

RebelVampire

only a year and thats if the body is buried. in the open air it happens faster

thanks google

mathtans

Heh. I wonder if they ever had gravesites after landing.

RebelVampire

my final thoughts are that while i found the comic hard to get into, it was overall a really unique and good setup cause few sci-fi these days focus on nature stuff when it comes to space stuff

mathtans

I can agree to that.

RebelVampire

and maybe. youd have to get gravesites eventually O_O

Unfortunately, the scheduled Comic Tea Party is now complete~! Thank you everyone so much for joining this week’s chat~! That being said, if you would like to continue discussing the comic, we encourage you to do so~! We want to give a big thank you to snowshadow, as well, for volunteering Tangled River for our reading queue. If you liked the comic, please be sure to support snowshadow’s efforts. If you have questions, concerns, or suggestions about CTP, please feel free to PM me, or e-mail me at [email protected].

With that said, next week’s Comic Tea Party will focus on Alec in Wunderland by mintycanoodles. Please use this week to read as much of the comic as you would like. Hope to see you next Thursday (August 31st) from 5PM to 7PM PDT~! Until then~! Comic: https://tapas.io/series/Alec-in-Wunderland

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic tea party #comicteaparty #ctp #start faire #comic chat #comic discussion #bookclub #comic club #tangled river #snowshadow

0 notes

ellerevelle · 7 years ago

Text

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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