#i am very tired of everything and tired of grad school and the suffering.

[coffee-keith]

Wowie I wish I could go back to college where I could do a few nights of bad sleep and be fine. But here I am at almost 30 and had insomnia for a few days and didn't sleep much and it put me into the closet I've been to a crisis pretty much ever.

[friendlybowlofsoup]

Another Update

Hello Friends,

I have a rather long (but optimistic!) update to share with you all today. As many of you are probably tired of reading these kind of posts, I have a TL;DR here, but I did want to share what has been on my mind in that past half-year that I haven't been here.

It has been rough, and busy as always, but I think I'm finally facing myself and my project for the first time in a very long time.

TL;DR (it's actually long, I have a lot to say (*_ _)人)

I soul-searched and decided to stop compromising on my own feelings with regards to this project. I gave in to everything I wanted to do.

Plot changes, which means some character changes, which means some of the demo is outdated.

GotRM will be switching over to Twine.

----

OH MAN DID I SUFFER THE LAST FEW MONTHS

After my previous update, I hunkered down and really analyzed how I wanted to proceed with GotRM as a project. Because even prior to that post, I had already been going through long periods of hiatuses (which you are all aware of), and while I didn't lie about school taking up my time, I was also harboring a growing dissatisfaction with my own writing that really killed my progress for a long time.

So after everything had settled, I sat down and forced myself to peel apart my work. I know I said I would answer asks, but I uninstalled all of my social media and put aside this blog to focus. I made a note of all the things I liked and didn't like, and I made a list of things I wanted to change or improve on. The biggest point was that I also looked at my efficiency during actual writing sessions: how much of my time was spent writing vs. fighting with code? How could I change that?

And after a lot of deliberation, I figured there were a few things I had to change from the ground up, summed up in four points:

My working style was super incompatible with grad school. I can't spend 20-30 minutes scrolling up and down CSIDE checking code or looking for narratives while also jumping between chapters to make sure events line up. As this story grows, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of all the branches, so I needed an alternative working method, which I am adhering to now, and it prioritizes efficiency.

I hated the way I was tracking and coding stats in-game. I have griped so much about coding stats, and I have adhered to such a rigid style that I really felt trapped whenever I was confronted with balancing them out. So I'm throwing that to the wind and redoing how I utilize and convey them. Player-side, this decision doesn't change much since I never fully utilized stats in the demo anyway, and the stats page with indicators will still exist, but I'm getting rid of stat bars and how I treat stat checks.

The story I want to write now is different from the one I started out with. I've known for a while that GotRM was becoming far more than the tiny, wishful novella that I wrote as a teenager. I held onto that old story for a long time, but there's just so much I want to change that I realized I'd been clinging to a story I no longer enjoyed writing. So I spent the majority of the last few months rewriting GotRM from scratch. I redid some worldbuilding, I changed a lot of plot points, and I fixed a lot of characters' backstories accordingly. This meant scrapping stuff from even the demo, but that turned out to not be the biggest issue because:

I wanted to branch away from ChoiceScript. Honestly, I never really cared about getting officially published, but the camaraderie in the forums and on Tumblr were why I committed to CS and CoG. However, ultimately, I really want the functionality that other tools can offer GotRM, and so after a long internal debate, I will be switching over to Twine. Fortunately, since I was rewriting everything anyways, this has been relatively painless, and passage mapping has made everything so much neater. I am trying my best to make it up to chapter 2 before I release the new demo, so please look forwards to that!

And so yes, I am still here, chugging along.

I love this game and this story: it's been my creative escape for as long as I could remember, and you can imagine how frustrated I was when I realized I was starting to dread working on it.

I am forever learning more about myself and my writing style, and this is simply more of that journey. Thank you everyone for sticking around, for joining the discord, and for checking up on me--that I have all of you has truly been a dream.

Hopefully more updates to come soon! I understand that there may be questions about these new changes, so please ask away! I will (try) to release some asks that I've been working on in the drafts too, but I will wait until at least tomorrow to release them so that this post doesn't get drowned out immediately.

And as always, with a lot of love,

FriendlyBowlofSoup (Mei)

[softsky-daily]

10/4/2023

The sun tearing through the clouds with its light... Actually it kind of reminds me of that one boss from Kirby.

Positive thing: The doctor said I was healthy, and I got a matcha boba thanks to a friend.

I'm starting a new medication tomorrow, which apparently will help with the insomnia, nausea, and depression all at once, which I'm a little doubtful it can target all those things but my doctor said we could just give it a try for a month and see if it helps.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my Japanese professor for the first time in weeks so that'll be interesting. I'm wondering what we'll talk about - probably next steps for homework. I am hoping to get better at Japanese more quickly. I know more than anything it's a motivation and discipline issue, but still.

I'm really tired. It's honestly a little incredible how stark the difference is between all the semesters I've gone through in grad school so far. I know quitting isn't much of an option since I'd lose my tuition waiver, but I do wonder how much more sleep I'd be getting if I didn't have to work on top of everything. Even when I only work 3 days and usually it's very lenient, 9am is very early to me and getting out of bed is hard. The insomnia doesn't help either. What did I do when I wasn't working? I feel like I can't even remember even when it was this same year.

I think I need to keep my mind on the present or on things to look forward to. I can feel the edges of another depression spiral if I'm not careful. I'm sure I would end up fine either way, but if I can take the less suffering path, I'll try to choose that one. Like, tomorrow is my last day to work for the week. And I have my California trip coming soon.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I’ve typed and deleted and posted and deleted a lot over the last few days.

I am upset with my level of ability to handle everything that is going on. I look at others who work full time, go to school full time, are full time parents and they are (seemingly) doing this all relatively fine.

I watched my friend struggle through full time work and full time grad school and I know it was so hard for her but she pushed through and graduated. She was very real with her journey.

And I don’t know if this experience is usually like the former or the latter, and I guess ultimately it doesn’t matter because I not any of these people.

I keep searching for reasons why my mental health is declining so rapidly over this and I feel ashamed that it is.

I know I am capable of seeing this through and I know I will sacrifice my mental health and everything else because the fear and shame of failure are screaming at me to keep going.

But what if I don’t want to? I want my degree (I think) but I can’t handle the panic attacks and the tears and the loneliness. Every part of my life is suffering right now and I am only in ONE class. Work is only starting to pick up speed. Next semester is two classes together, October is when work starts getting slammed. The holidays are coming and I feel like I’m not going to get to be present at any of them.

I didn’t do any school work yesterday because I had to work 10 hours because my 7-3 schedule isn’t working out. There’s too many meetings and too many referrals and intakes and too much paperwork. I was too tired to do school work. Today I’m too sad.

I struggled really hard with my mental health in undergrad. I was worried about this happening in grad school, but felt I’d be better because I am older, I have more coping skills, I’m on anxiety meds, I thought I had more support this round. But I really only have M, who’s family is going through it with his grandmom. I have friends that are states away who seem too busy for me lately (which is fine, we all have our lives). So I’m just here by myself most days. Struggling on my own.

I’m trying to reach out about my mental health but the “duh, grad school is hard” attitude isn’t helping me. Grad school IS hard but is it crying in the shower, collapsing on the stairs from a panic attack, chest burning can’t breathe hard?

Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I just suck it up and push forward? What is wrong with me that it feels so hard????

I feel ridiculous and childish. Is this really not that hard? Do I just make things harder on myself ? I clock in at 7am and I do homework until 11pm. Sometimes I play on my phone a bit after 11 which I’m sure doesn’t help me sleep, but when am I supposed to do anything to make me feel the least bit connected to others or to make myself feel happy?

I understand my job, I am good at my job but I am not good at the paperwork that is building and building and taking over my apartment. I am good at grad school, I get 100s and know what I need to say, I am not good at finding the resources or writing quickly. Everything takes so much time and energy and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

And because I didn’t do any work Wednesday or Thursday, yet again I cannot go see my mom for her Birthday.

I go away for 7 days next week and I am dreading it. It’s for my BAchlorette party and I just feel so angry about it. I don’t have the time to go away. I don’t know why I thought I could do that while in grad school. It’s Been planned since march tho. I thought I would be capable of it. But I am not. There is too much to do. And I tried my hardest to get ahead but it wasn’t possible. By Sunday’s I am barely hanging on, struggling to get my work in on time as things are due Sunday’s. M doesn’t even wanna be around me on Sunday’s because I am so panicked. I don’t think my friends want to talk to me anymore either hence being too busy.

I don’t want to keep doing this for another 15 months.

[rae-gar-targaryen]

In undergrad, and suffering through very bad senioritis. I'm going to have to retake a class next semester, have you ever had to retake a class? Like I used to be the student who would freak out when she would get a B on an assignment and now, I didn't turn in two finals because I literally could not care about them less.

You just seem like a good person to ask for advice as a fellow Latina. And your post from a few days ago really motivated me to try to be better for my last semester next year.

And congrats on passing the bar exam!

Aww, my fellow Latina, mi amorcita! Thank you for your well-wishes, and I'm always happy to listen and offer what I can. Thank you for sharing!

First of all, I am sending you a BIG HUG! You are worthy of softness and love. It takes a lot to feel everything that you're feeling, and a lot of strength to acknowledge you want to try, to keep going, to change. And I'm PROUD OF YOU!

School is stressful, no matter what level (undergrad, post-grad, law school, anything...) and honestly, I find the harder I push, the more and more tired and burned out I get. And I'm sorry to hear about your finals, and having to retake your class. I can most certainly relate --

I've never had to retake a class, myself, but I did drop a couple of classes in my undergrad because I just became TOO overwhelmed. Too tired. And it's hard to acknowledge that sometimes, you have to quit. And I've also done absolutely shitty on certian finals (especially in law school). That was SO HARD for me -- I would also freak out if I did less than perfect in a class, and never wanted to admit I couldn't handle all I wanted to take on. But it isn't the end of the world. You can always finish what you've started in due time, or you can change course.

Life is funny that way -- there's no one way through it. And one class, one grade or two, will not break you. Will not define you as a person. Or the person you will become, or the things you will achieve.

And the most important thing is to GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE. Grace is hard to come by the more we move through the world. So don't be afraid to be gentle with yourself when you need it.

Ask yourself if you're in the area of study you want to be, if you're taking the classes you want/need to take. Make the changes you can afford to make that enrich you.

Take the summer to rest up. To reassess. To come back next semester ready to take on the things you want to achieve.

I believe in you, babe. I know you can do it! Listen to a song you love, wear something that makes you feel powerful. Enjoy your summer. You've GOT THIS.

[scotch-and-roses]

I wish I could just throw myself into my work to deal with my grief. Unfortunately ADHD and trouble focusing has not been helped by dealing with grief. I’ll start to hyperfocus, then have an intrusive thought about “why hasn’t the Princess come over to yell at me for not having gone to bed yet?” or I’ll look over at the bed expecting to see her curled up asleep to give myself a boost of warmth/comfort, and instead be confronted by an empty bed. Logically I knew that this would happen eventually. She had kidney disease and it wasn’t ever going to get better. I just really hoped that it wouldn’t happen while I was in grad school. I knew that coping with the loss of her while undergoing the stress of grad school would be amazingly difficult, and the idea terrified me. Just thinking of the day that I would lose her was enough to send me into tears. And the reality is that some days feel impossible to get through. And I haven’t figured out a way to keep myself together and productive when I hit those walls. Instead I just kinda fall apart. And I’m still so behind on my work from the migraines at the beginning of the quarter. I am literally down to the wire now. And I just keep alternating between feeling numb and feeling shattered. I have been pulling out of it more, feeling more functional again. There’s just so much all at once. I need to completely rebuild myself in some ways, and I just haven’t had the time or space to do that. And everything is suffering as a result. She was my emotional support/touchstone and this being that loved me and that I loved and cared for and having that routine gave me more purpose and I built my routines around her needs. Not having that framework has left me feeling extremely untethered. And I’m sorry y’all for having to deal with the constant stream of me talking about this, I appreciate the support and love you’ve all shown. This is just part of me processing really. Writing things out helps get it out of my head/helps me to work through the emotions. I just keep hoping that it won’t be real. It doesn’t feel like it should be real. I miss her so damn much. And there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it. The last time I was apart from her for so long was when I was at Reed and lived in the dorms and she stayed with papa. But papa and I talked nearly every day so I’d get daily kitty updates and pictures sometimes. And she was always waiting for me when I got home from school. But this isn’t like that. She isn’t just somewhere else, waiting for me to come home. She’s gone. And now matter how badly I want that to not be the case, that’s how it is. She’s just gone. And I hate it. I wish so badly that I could hold her again and feel her warmth and softness and hear her purr. And it’s never going to happen. Sure, there will be other cats in my life again at some point. But they’ll never be her. I think my earliest memory is from about the age of 3. I’m 28 now, which means I have approximately 25 years of memories. I had Princess for 13 years. That means that over half of my life that I remember she was a part of. She was part of my family and one of the beings that I cared the most about in this world. Most of my friends have not been in my life for as long as she was at this point. She was this huge, important part of my life. And now that’s gone. I have the memories, and I cherish them. But it’s not the same. When I come home from a bad day I don’t have her to come sit on me and purr or take a nap with her curled up against my chest. And it’s just all these compounding things. Going through stress with school, or relationship drama, or worrying about financial stuff, and then not having my fuzzy creature that gave me comfort just takes that stress or whatever and then piles grief on top of it. Until I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m drowning. Part of me wants to just give in. Give in to the depression, to just curl up and give up on trying to be productive and functional. To just blow off my work, my classes, everything. Because it is so hard. And I feel like my professors are being patient, but are also annoyed with me. And I don’t know how to explain to them how much I’m struggling. That I’m trying, but it’s all just so much and I am barely staying functional. Just doing the daily things that I need to do like eating and showering, keeping the apartment relatively orderly so that I’m not being a horrible roommate, they take so much energy right now. Going to class, grading, doing assignments on top of that is incredibly difficult. And I keep emailing them apologizing for the migraines, for missing class again and again because of them, and because some days the grief is too overwhelming. And I’m just terrified that they’re going to respond with “no, you’ve missed too much, you haven’t done enough, that’s not a valid reason, do better” and that I’m going to fail. I don’t want to. As tempting as it is to give up sometimes, I don’t want to. For one thing, Princess would be pissed. She hated when I was depressed. And this goddamn paper is now three hours overdue and I am torn between trying to pull myself out of this spiral and finishing it tonight like I planned or emailing the professor and once again begging for understanding and more time. It was a month two days ago since I lost her. And the pain is still tearing me apart. But I feel like emailing the professor and asking for more time again, that she’ll dismiss me. That because it’s been a month I shouldn’t be having these breakdowns anymore. That I should be better. And I think I’m slowly getting better. But I’m not better. I’m still a mess of tears and snot and emotions and I’m still trying to figure out how to piece my life back together. And I’m so tired. God I’m so tired. This is exhausting. I’ve always been a very emotional person, I joke that on a dial of 1-10, my emotions are turned up to 11. I feel a lot of things and I feel them very strongly. I love fiercely and strongly, and likewise I feel grief in the same way. And it is so draining. And Princess was my battery pack, she helped me recharge. And learning how to function without that, figuring out how to compensate for that loss, is overwhelming. And I can’t help wishing I could go back. Take her to the vet sooner. Spend more time with her. Something. Anything. And I can’t. And it sucks. So much. I just keep blaming myself. If I’d done more or something different. If I hadn’t spent so much time hanging out with friends away from home. If I’d been more diligent in her diet. If I’d seen about getting her some kind of medication. Anything to give myself more time with her. And I could have, at the end. She could have been hospitalized, had her kidneys completely flushed, been placed on fluids and things for multiple days. But her levels were so high that it would have been temporary. A way to get her feeling a little better for who knows how long just so that I could have more time. And that felt wrong. It felt wrong to put her through that just so that I didn’t have to say goodbye so soon. And I hate that I wish I had. Because I miss her so goddamn much and would give anything right now to have more time. Even though it would have meant her possibly suffering and me going into thousands of dollars of debt. And I know I made the right choice. But god it was so hard. And I wish I never had to make it. And for the last 13 years she’s been here to help me through hard times like this. When I’m crying in the middle of the night and don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t want to bother anyone, I had her. And it feels like I’m just stuck in this horrible loop where I miss her and it hurts, and I want to cuddle her because that’s how I’ve dealt with similar pain in the past, but she’s gone so I can’t, and it hurts more, and it just keeps going until I’m curled up on the bed, sobbing, with my arms wrapped around me because it feels like if I don’t physically hold myself together I’ll shatter into a million pieces. And I sob until I’m gasping for breath and I can’t see a way through the pain. I don’t know how to make it stop. Papa keeps telling me to “compartmentalize” and “just cherish the memories”. And I want to scream because that’s not how I work. If I could just flip a switch like that or tuck things into neat boxes, don’t you think I would? I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. But I can’t just turn off my emotions or decide to feel something different. And he criticizes me for being so open, so giving of myself, for investing so much. And maybe it is a flaw, maybe I do need to work on closing myself off more. Perhaps I need to find ways to temper myself. But I feel like that’s work to be done when I’m not in the middle of emotional upheaval. I can only do so much at one time. And right now I’m at capacity, I’m over capacity really. So tired. Both physically and mentally/emotionally right now. I don’t want to email my professor, but I think I have to. Dammit. 

[definealetheia]

Note to self when I feel like I'm going insane (unfinished)

STOP OVERTHINKING!

Sit back, relax, and take deep breaths.

Listen to chakra tune up meditation music. Unblock your chakras and let the energy flow through your body.

Don't intentionally block your heart chakra. Stop suppressing your feelings, whether it is good or bad. You have to deal with them and heal your wounds. The more you suppress your feelings, the longer your agony will get.

Do you still have doubts about the connection?

Remember that you have already let go of the label Twin Flame. The question whether he is your Divine Masculine or not is not important anymore. The Universe may or may not give you the answer after all. BUT you can honor what you feel is true. You love him. This is your truth. You don't need the Universe to tell you that.

It is okay to doubt the connection sometimes. It is normal to experience doubts and fears in this journey. It is scary and full of uncertainties.

I don't get why other twins refer to someone they meet as "catalyst" who will activate your awakening and you believed as your twin but ended up as otherwise. Same logic goes for false twin. I don't get it. I don't think there is a false twin or a catalyst. That person is either your twin or not. Why would you need a catalyst to activate you? Your twin can do that himself. It doesn't make sense to me. People who started their spiritual journey even before they met their twin were awakened due to several possible reasons. May be because of traumatic experiences or they come from a spiritual background. As for those who were not awakened until they met their twin, I don't understand why the person who activated them ends up only as a catalyst. What for? You will only recognize that person as a catalyst once you meet your true twin. And then it would be like you're restarting your twin flame journey with your true twin! Wth.

Remember the reasons and synchonicities that lead you to believe he is your twin.

He activated my spiritual awakening.

It was August 29, 2018. I met my twin online right after I graduated from grad school. I finished another milestone in my life. I finished a job contact and ready to start a new life. I was optimistic about the future. I've been single for years and thought it would be nice a start a new one. But I didn't want to start a relationship just for the heck of it. I wanted to find the one. I've been saying this to the Universe for a quite some time. I might have manifested it when I met your twin without knowing it.

I've been suffering from MDD and GAD for years. I was in medication and went in and out of hospitals after every suicide attempt. For a long time I was suffering from an existential crisis. I did not know who I am or why I am alive. I did not have dreams of my own and was just living to fulfill the expectations of my family and society. I did not have any goals nor did I have reasons or motivations to pursue anything except meeting others' expectations of me. I needed to finish school and establish a good career, help my parents, and then have my own family. As good as those things were, I did not have the right motivation to do that.

I have always felt I don't belong anywhere. I was bullied in school and even at work. It made my depression even worse. Everywhere I go, terrible things always end up happening. I always felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and being wronged by people. I felt unlucky and miserable all the time. Everytime I try to turn my life around and gain a little hope, terrible things happen and that little hope I had get taken away from me.

I was never religious nor spiritual. Having a master's degree in Philosophy, I have an extensive experience on critical thinking and being skeptical. I don't label myself as agnostic. In fact, when it comes to my spirituality, I refrained from associating myself from any religious group or any spiritual belief. However, during one Philosophy class where we talked about religion where some of my classmates studied in Catholic seminaries, I remember sharing that I don't believe in (Christian conception) God but I do believe that there is someone or something, maybe it be metaphysical, divine, or a force that governs everything in the Universe.

I have always had the affinity to look at the sunset and the night sky. I has been part of my routine. My childhood dream was to became an astronaut or astronomer. But life happened. Part of my routine was talking to the Universe while watching the night sky. Whenever I feel suicidal I always tell them that I don't belong down here. I want to be among the stars. That's where I feel I belong, not here. I talk to the stars as often as I can. They saw me cry and all. They let me know they are listening by showing me shooting stars. I even saw asteroid Juno and other comets during one of my nightly routine. It always feels magical when they show me how beautiful the Universe is.

Recognizing the soul connection

I have been interested in Japanese culture and martial arts. I've been practicing a japanese sword martial arts since January 2017. Since I wanted to learn the language, I installed a language exchange application on my phone and that's where I met him. To be honest, I was open to the thought of possibly meeting someone online but I did not realize that I would actually meet someone like him. I met men who were more interested in flirting with me than learning another language. That's very common online. But I was not interested in them but when I met my twin, I did not know that from then on, my life will turn bat shit crazy. I was just following ramdom people on the app but I also made sure they did not look sketchy or suspicious. He followed me back. He suddenly commented on a picture I posted of me and my cat and then he sent me a private message. My first impression of him is he was very flirty and straithforward with giving compliments, unlike most Japanese I talked to who were polite and unsure of themselves. When I looked at his picture, I immediately felt something different about him especially when I looked at his eyes. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt anything like it before. I felt like I knew him. There was a sense of familiarity and comfortabilitily. We started talking on Line, sent audio messages, and even talked on video call for hours. He send messages when he wakes up, goes to work, while working, coming home, and before sleeping. It like was a honeymoon phase of a relationship. I told myself it was too good to be true.

I needed to know more about him so I asked him if he was single. He wasn't. I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. He was still flirty and acting like there's more to us than acquaintances. But because of that reality check, I kept asking myself where I stand. Sometimes he treats me like a girlfriend all then all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. When the conversation gets hot and he becomes more flirty than normal that's where I remind him that he has a gf and I don't want to be in a third party. He told me they haven't talked for a while and he felt lost. I felt worse. I felt like he was just bored and wants to use me to fill in the void. Since I knew I was falling inlove, I made it clear to him that if he wants to continue talking to me like we are in a relationship, then I want to be only one. There should be no other woman. He couldn't give me an answer. He always dodged the question to the point that I get frustrated and just drop it. Add the language barrier to the mix. During one of our arguments, I kept asking him how he really felt about me and his answer was that he wanted to meet. I did not expect that answer. Even if I agreed to that, I reminded him that he has gf and he just told me they hadn't talked.

When he came back to Japan from one of work trips, that's when things went downhill. He used to give me updates on where he was or what he doings but that time I did tell me he already came back. His messages became short. Sometimes just one word. It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered or he just didn't want to talk to me. There were even sarcastic messages. It was my cue to leave him be.

We stared with talking to each other all day everyday until it became more and more seldom. There were days when he wouldn't talk. Then a sudden message after days of silence. I did not chase him or beg him to talk to me. But I once told him how I sad was that he changed. I was crying a lot. My heart got broken so many times. October 2018 came and after over a month of the honeymoon phase, he finally ghosted me.

Kundalini awakening and rising

I became more and more depressed and desperate for answers. I kept asking the Universe: Why did this happen? What was the point? I closed myself off for years and stopped dating after experiencing traumatic relationships. Right when I finally decided to take a risk, open my heart, and love again, this happened to me? I did not understand the point of it all. Letting another person in and then he just breaks my heart? This was the last chance I gave myself to love and this shit happened. Before I met him, I told myself that if I ever meet someone and fall in love, it will be the last time. I want to me the one. I am tired of being hurt so many times.

I was so confused. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. Wanting to find the answers, I started watching tarot readings on Youtube. I never believed in Astrology. I was too skeptical for that. But I watched hundreds of readings out of desperation to find the answers. I got mixed result on the readings. There were times that the readings resonated so much that my mind was blown so many times. But there were others that just made me more confused and paranoid. The best takeaway from those readings is that divine timing is at work. I have to trust in the Universe and give them space to work things out. I can't force things to happen. The only thing I can do is set healthy boundaries and don't let anyone treat me like a doormat.

I spent the next few weeks just watching readings, crying at night, and trying to cope with the pain. The readings said that there will be communication and it did happen. By the time happened, I literally said "this shit is real." I was surprised that he messaged me and asked how I was. But after the inital shock, I was overcome by anger and hurt. He wanted communication just when I was starting to gain balance and not think of him that much. I was torn between telling him off and just accept that he is back. I replied 2-3 days later telling him I'm doing good.

The communication started again but I was seldom. He called me on 11/11 but I couldn't answer. He just randomly sends a message after a few days of silence and or calls all of a sudden and then disappear again. So flakey! I got fed up and set my foot down. I asked him why he wants call or talk to me. He said he always wanted to call and enjoys being with me. I called out his BS. I reminded him that he stopped talking to me. He can't just come in and out of life as he pleases. He should stop playing mind games with me. He just said to me "Oh don't say that 😭." I told him I deserve an explanation and tell me why he disappeared. He said he did not disappear. I told him it hurts me that he's not being honest with me. He said he was being honest. See the pattern here? I asked him again what happened and he just answered "I don't remember." That was it. I told him I'm a very patient person (I'm a fucking Taurus okay) but he pushed me too far. I won't ask anymore. It's obvious he didn't wanna answer. I'm done.

I was livid. I'm done dealing with a player and emotionally unvailable jackass. That's the start of our separation. It was 11/12.

I spent the rest of November dealing with rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I'm angry, and them I'm in pain, and then lonely ect. It was a torture. There were times when I went into relapse. I thought I have officially gone insane. I just wanted to die.

The first time I came across the term twin flame was through watching tarot readings. I never heard of the time before even when I met my twin. I wasn't interested in learning more about it at first. All I know was that it was different from soulmates and it was rare. I have never thought of myself as special (just different) so I did not think I needed to know about it. But curiosity got the better of me and finally decided to do some research. Lo and behold, I resonated with most of the signs that were listed. The things that happened to me made more sense now. But that was not enough to convince me.

More and more meditation music started appearing on my youtube suggestions. It was December when I finally decided to try a guided meditation. It's my first entry. I felt the urge to do it more and more often until I came across a meditation to awaken my spirit. Before this entire journey I would never think of trying it but since I have been activated, might as well continue on improving myself. I played the music when looking at the sunset. When I came to opening the third eye, I started seeing particles in mid air. They look specks of light or little transparent bubbles floating around. As weeks went by I seem them clearer. I don't even have to concentrate or be in meditative state to see them. I see another invisible layer in my environment as well. I see rain or drizzle even if it's not really raining. I also see "rain" and particles even indoors now. As long as there is light. I tune up my chakra almost everyday. I don't feel right when I don't meditate in a few days.

10/13/2019 ~ 2:41 PM (this has been saved in my Drafts since Jan/Feb -- I'm not sure anymore)

[francesderwent]

I feel like you've probably answered this somewhere or, alternatively, are tired of the question but: how did you decide to study theology? I'm so glad you did and are because it feels like you were made to but how does one decide that? What's your phd in theology backstory?

I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about it here!  And I’m happy to!

Short answer?  It wasnever something I planned, it was something that came at the end of a long seriesof “let’s just take one step forward and see what happens” kind of choices.

Long answer?

When I started applying for colleges at sixteen, I hadnever, in my life, had a single reasonable goal of what I wanted to be when Igrew up – the working plans went from princess to singer to actress, alwayswith the tacit understanding in the background that these were things that werenever going to actually happen, because princes were scarce, and I wasn’tcommitted enough to either of the other ideas to do the suffering-artist thingand chase them down.  And so, I appliedto college as a theology major, because I figured religion was the one thing Iwas good at.  I knew Church teaching backwardsand forwards, I’d read the whole Bible for school that one time, and when itcame to writing retreat talks or speaking the controversial truth in discussion,I could run circles around all thekids in the parish youth group.  Ifigured I was going to be some kind of prodigy; I could accurately distinguishbetween the Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth, after all.  

Needless to say, I was an unbearable person with very fewfriends.  

My college applications came back, and the financial aid wasbest at the school I least wanted to attend. Feeling like a martyr, I decided to attend there.  My first semester I was required to take anintro to philosophy class before I could start taking theology.  I felt this was probably a waste of my time;I was ready to get my lower level theologies out of the way so I could go on tothe advanced stuff.  But I signed up forthe philosophy which best fit my schedule and prepared to blow everyone away.  (Did I mention I was unbearable?)  That semester, the newbie philosophyprofessor whose class I’d signed up for was having all his freshmen readPlato’s Republic, cover to cover.   And just like that, my life waschanged.  For the first time I wasn’tmemorizing factoids about the truth, straight off the page of the Catechism orthe Summa.  I found myself in the placewhere Truth opens up before you and you realize it’s always going to be biggerthan you, you’re always going to be inside of it, there’s always going to bedeeper to go.  I read all my homework twoor three times.  I spent ages on all mywriting assignments, fine-tuning my arguments, trying to find new angles.  I raised my hand enough in class thatoccasionally the professor would have to say “Somebody other than Cate.”  And,miracle of miracles, I was good at philosophy– not because I’d read more or because I had more orthodox parents than anyoneelse, but just immediately, mysteriously, like all of a sudden I’d discoveredwhat my mind was made for.  I added asecond major within five months of being at school, and then was delighted todiscover that the theology department was alsofull of people who were thinking deeply about things.   I loved all my classes, but I still likedphilosophy best.

When I was approaching graduation, I sat down with one of theprofessors and asked what he thought I should do next.  I knew I didn’t want to work in a parishoffice, and I I didn’t feel ready to teach high schoolers; I thought I mightwant to go to grad school, but I didn’t even know where to begin.  And he explained to me that most of thephilosophy programs in the country were focused on analytic philosophy orlogic, and very different from the philosophy I’d done at school.  And the type of theology I’d been doing forthe last four years was apparently a veryniche school of theology – there was one grad program that had continuity withwhat I’d learned, but only one.  “It’s avery metaphysics-heavy program,” he told me, placidly, as if he hadn’t justpulled off a really impressive con, “the best philosophical thinker alive is teachingthere.  It’s the only place where youwouldn’t really have to choose.”  And soI applied to grad schools: some theology, some philosophy, with the theologywith-a-metaphysical-focus that my professor had suggested as my first choice.  Offers and rejections trickled back.  I got a really generous offer from a safetyschool far down on my list, and I began to wonder if I was going to end up withmy last choice again.  I needn’t haveworried; if I hadn’t been at my last choice for undergrad, I might never havefound out about my top choice for grad school. God had put me exactly where I needed to be four years earlier, and everythingfell into place for the next step.  Imoved, I took out loans so I could pay rent, but it all worked out.  I wasn’t even alone – two of my classmatesfrom the theology program were starting the Masters with me.

Looking back on it, I kind of squandered those twoyears.  I had a lot, a lot of personal drama in that time, andI was in a long-distance relationship, newly rekindled with an old boyfriend(bad idea), and so I was back and forth between different states every otherweekend.  And there was so much continuity with my prioreducation that I could kind of get away with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot – Ilearned to love Scripture and Christology, and moved away from my flatter, Inow realized, Kantian ethics to something more genuinely Christian.  But I was leading a very compartmentalizedexistence; I kept theology and philosophy in one box, and then in every otherbox lived my life however I wanted.  Ireceived the sacraments at almost the bare minimum.  I was learning, but I wasn’t letting anythingI learned penetrate my heart for fear of what it would require of me.

But compartmentalizing is hard and unnatural, and eventuallyI had to face up to some things.  Myboyfriend had just returned from a month-long musical tour of Ireland, and heand his fiddle player wanted to go back for three-to-six months of the nextyear, and he wanted me to come with them. This proposal was not accompanied by a corresponding proposal for thecommitment level of our relationship. When I brought this up, there was a big fight, and I finally realizedafter a year and a half of studying theology with a focus in marriage andfamily that he didn’t really believe in marriage.  He would probably have married me eventually,in ten years or so, but it wouldn’t have meant anything to him, and thevalidity would have been questionable at best. I broke up with him a week after Thanksgiving.

I found myself facing a blank future – I’d spent the lasttwo years becoming very entrenched in my boyfriend’s world, assuming that I wasabout to become a permanent fixture there. And in the process I’d put strain on a lot of my college friendships, Iwas more distant from my family than I’d ever been, and I hadn’t made any friends in grad school.  I barely even spoke to my roommates – theydidn’t find out about the breakup for weeks. I was isolated and lonely, with no goals and nothing to look forward to. And then, all the theology that I’d beenholding at arm’s length suddenly became intensely personal to me; I saw clearlyall that I’d been running from and all that I’d messed up.  I cried a lot during class that semester.

Applications for the PhD program at my school were due thesecond week of January, or thereabouts. And with nothing else on my radar, I decided I would apply.  The interview process was infamously intensive,and I figured if I made it through that then I could weigh my options from theother side.  I begged for letters ofrecommendation, scrounged together a CV, and wrote my essays.  About a month later, I had two straight daysof interviews, with everyone from the admissions director up through the DeanEmeritus.  The program adviser for theMasters asked me why I wanted a PhD; I told him it would make it easier to gettenure track positions.  “We’re allreally used to responding to interview questions in a utilitarian way,” he toldme, “how one thing will get us to somewhere else.  But why do you want that thing?”  I thought aboutit.  “It’s important to me to be able tocontinue engaging with the truth on this level,” I said. “I want to end up in aplace where my peers care about these questions and can dialogue with me.”  As soon as I said it out loud, I started toreally want it for the first time.  That professor sent me on my way to the DeanEmeritus.  We had a charming conversationabout homeschooling, and then he got down to business, told me I’d doneexcellent work there already, and asked me why I wanted a PhD.  “I know I’m going to be thinking about thesequestions for the rest of my life,” I said. “And I want to do that in acommunity.”  He nodded, and said, “That’swhat my reason was when I started a PhD, too.” Now more than a bit dazed, I headed over to my last interview with theprogram adviser for the PhD.  He lookedover my application, told me, “There’s no possible reason you couldn’t dothis,” and then gave me twenty-five minutes of advice on how to go aboutit.  My friends who’d applied with me haddescribed getting grilled – but I only felt encouraged.  These people had confidence in me.  I cried on the metro platform going homebecause I was so overwhelmed.  I’dknocked, and the door had been opened wide. In a way, the PhD program was given to me, as a surprise, and then Ilearned to want it.  By the time I got myofficial acceptance

So, for me the reasons for doing the PhD have always beencomplicated – it’s something I want for its own sake, just because I care aboutthe truth and am lucky enough to get to spend time with it, and also somethingI want for extrinsic reasons.  Those havechanged over the years, somewhat – I would still like to be a professor, but Ialso wouldn’t mind going home to work for my bishop, and if I get married andhave kids that would be more than enough for me: I’ll write the occasional articleand maybe finish a book or two, and teach religion at the homeschool co-op, butmost importantly I’ll live the truth that I’ve received.  That’s the beautiful thing about theology(and philosophy) – you can’t help butuse your degree.  And behind and aroundboth of those reasons is the only real one: this is where I was led.  There was never another choice that wouldn’thave felt like Jonah fleeing Ninevah.  I’mstruggling, all the time, but I get indications every now and then that this isstill where I’m meant to be.  I have noidea where the path I’m on is going to take me, but I can see how it got mehere, and I trust that God will continue to lead me.

[beardyallen]

Here we go... (Part 2 of 3)

Alright, so let's talk about April.

[Warning: This is mostly just about my mental health. It’s not super interesting. You won’t learn anything about Beijing. Many of you will probably read this and imagine me sitting here whining. I prefer to call it venting. Feel free to skip this and go directly to Here we go... (Part 3 of 3). It’s where most of the fun stuff is. But...there’s a pretty dope comic about halfway down, so if you also suffer from depression, you should check it out. It’s a good comic. And it makes me smile when everything is gray.]

I generally only talk about my depression with a few people, but I think we could all benefit by having more open discussions about how it affects us. Too many people struggle with this illness, it's stigmatized, and future generations need to know that what they experience is more common than they think. Plus, I imagine that making this beast something that we can talk about will reduce its power and prevalence.

I'm not going to try to talk about the root cause of my issues as I'm not entirely sure where to even start, so I'll just share how it all manifests. And how that's changed over the years. If my mental illness is in fact something that I've been struggling with my entire life, I imagine that it manifested as anger when I was child, usually in response to anxiety around my social situation, exacerbated by end-of-the-semester stress. Why do I think this? Because it seems that I only really got in trouble for acting out in early December or late April/early May. And I was usually retaliating towards a feeling of isolation, invisibility, or worthlessness. It's a pretty strong pattern.

I'm not gonna share any sob stories about how I didn't fit in as a kid, or how moving into a tight-knit community in fifth grade led to a strong feeling of isolation that persisted through middle school and high school. I'm not going to talk about the bullying or harassment. These are things that happened, but they aren't the point. And I'm just as much, if not more, to blame for my circumstances as anyone else.

The anxiety is the point. The feeling that I've had at every stage of my life that I don't matter to the people around me if I'm not always around. That they don't think about me. That if I vanished from their life, they wouldn't notice. That I was replaceable. Or that I was a burden that they would rather shirk off. As far as I can tell, I've felt this way since kindergarten, and all of the anger I felt as a child was in response to stimuli that reinforced this notion.

And in April, the intrusive, invasive thoughts started up again. Yes, of course there were people who wanted to know what was going on with me. There were people who frequently checked in with me to see how I was doing in China. I had every reason to believe that I matter, that my presence was missed, and that I'm still important to people. And in spite of that, it's not how I felt. It even led me to start questioning whether or not my best friend cared about me, which is absurd because of course he does. Life happens. But the voice in my head is a prick.

On top of that, every source of stress in my life spiked. Complications with my teaching assignment manifested, including (but not limited to) issues with my paychecks. Financial reimbursements for my health insurance policy have not been disbursed despite repeated messages to those responsible. Since I'm currently not enrolled in any course credit, my student status was revoked and now those entities which own my student loan debt are looking for payments. My dissertation research stagnated as my collaborator has other super important grad school obligations to deal with, and my Masters Project has been put on hold again for reasons outside my control. It also seems to just get bigger every time I try to make progress. There's also a nagging voice in the back of my head constantly whining about how much more complex my project seems to be in comparison to other Masters projects I've seen from the department. But when the voice pops up, I do what I can to pummel it into submission. I can't live my life in comparison to others.

Beyond that, I randomly wound up with a case of insomnia. For three nights in a row, I laid in bed for hours staring at the inside of my eyelids, watching imaginary scenarios play out as my consciousness jumped from random topic to random topic. In spite of how exhausted I was, I just couldn't get my brain to turn off for more than 30 minutes at a time; during the one or two brief naps, I was privy to some of the most vivid dreams and nightmares that I've had, and my baseline dream/nightmare is already more vivid than most.

So work sucked, minor frustrations related to living in Beijing, no sleep, missing my friends, trying to not freak out about the fact that I'll be effectively homeless all summer (insomuch as I won't have an apartment that I'm officially renting or anything), worrying about the fact that I'm not making as much money as I projected, and just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. April was super fun, guys. Can't you tell?

Mental illness blows. Depression blows. Intrusive thoughts blow.

So I spent an absurd amount of time doing very little. Laying in bed. Reading comic books and rewatching Community. Not writing. Not researching. Being pathetic.

Wondering if I should reconsider my stance on medication. So let's talk about that.

From a philosophical standpoint, I don't much care for the idea of needing a medication to get myself on track. My mental illness is a part of who I am just as much as my intellect and sense of humor are a part of who I am. I'm no genius, but let's consider those individuals who have been described as such and think about just how many of them are suspected to have been depressed or grappling with some sort of mental illness. I'm not going down in history as anyone whose mind is something to admire, but I know that I'm smarter than your average bear. I'm a PhD student studing theoretical mathematics, probability and statistics. I'm simulataneously working on a dissertation related to subgraph density problems and a masters project centered around reconstructing familial networks in forensic databases. These topics are not related, nor has the coursework had very much overlap. Balancing two different graduate degrees is not common among people in my department, but I know that I can handle it.

So if I seek out medication as a means to balance my life, what sort of unforeseen impact will that have on my studies? It is not uncommon for the process of finding "the right medication" to take months, and as your life changes, so too does "the right medication." I have one year left in my program (maybe two if I'm unlucky, and that seems to be how my life goes), my diet is fucked, my sleep schedule has been jacked up for the last few months, and I haven't had regular physical activity excepting the 2 mile walks to and back from Wudaokou several times a week. My work life is tumultuous at the best of times, and all of this is changing in the not-so-distant future. I have been in academia my entire life, living on the same stress-rhythm for the past 24 years. What happens when I'm suddenly a research or data scientist?

Medication is off the table for the time being. I had bi-weekly counseling last semester which seemed to help with my stress levels, but at some point I would like some sort of diagnosis. But before I can seek therapy, I need to be back in the States, with some sort of stable life. That means August of September at the earliest. Probably September. In the meantime, I bounce between feeling like I've got everything figured out and feeling like I'm holding my sanity together with scotch tape. All the while, I question all of the things I thought I knew about how I wanted my life to look as I see more clearly every day just how messed up the world is. Ignorance definitely wasn't bliss, but knowing doesn't feel much better.

------------------------------------

Damn. That was pretty bleak. But I needed to get it out of my head.

Enjoy this dope little comic that I think about every Sunday to help me get through the week.

------------------------------------

Now back to it. I'm open to therapy, I know that it will help. It's part of my long-term plan for mental stability. And I'm open to talking about medication with my future therapist, once the "big issues" in my life that I can control are worked out.

In the meantime, I'm okay. Or at least that's what I'll say whenever someone asks.

Of course I'm not okay. For some reason that I haven't yet worked out, my brain focuses on the negatives waaaaay too much. I do my best to combat it, but generally I've just managed to make this work to my advantage throughout my life, planning for worst-case scenarios, being comfortable with failing when I try to solve a problem, being the skeptic in my research groups. It's made me a better mathematician. It's made me push myself further towards excellence. But it's also inherently held me back.

Before I really had a grasp on my mental illness, I would have periods of numbness. I would get absorbed by these intrusive thoughts and mistake them for my authentic voice. I would see everything around me as gray and conclude that my friendships weren't as wonderful and remarkable as they are, that my relationship is doomed to fail because I don't feel a spark or magnetism anymore, that I'm not actually supposed to be a graduate student and that I'm not good enough and that I've only made it this far as a fluke and eventually everyone will figure out that I'm a fraud. And I've made mistakes because of it. I've let friendships die, relationships fail, and...alright, so I've pretty much been kicking ass at the grad school thing, but I guess my response to feeling like a fraud is usually to push myself super hard until I start burning out. This actually happened last school year when I was preparing for my comprehensive exam, which led to my oral exam, which led right into the end of the semester, with several conferences that I was running and attending, and then a research workshop and then...my seizures came back. Maybe "seizure" isn't quite correct, but I'm not sure what else to call it when my body has a stress-induced reaction that feels like someone swinging an icepick in the back of my skull.

So I'm not okay. But for the time being, that's just going to have to be okay. [Queue i'm ok. by Judah and the Lion]

I could use a nap.

[talesofalamia]

My Second Entranced

This was my second year at Entranced. I went into the event dreading it. I went in ready for the worst and yearning to bask in the final embers of the trash fire that Entranced had seemingly become. I was ready to be accosted, berated and belittled by attendees. I went in already tired, already miserable, already feeling like a hated failure. I cried and bitched while I packed. I sobbed on my way there. I did not want to go to Entranced. I wanted to be done with it.

Rewind -

Last year, after going to a hypnokink class, my partner suggested that we go to the local hypnosis convention. We met amazing people. We learned that there were other people that liked mixing their kink and body horror. We had a fantastic time. And by the end of the weekend, I was asked to be a member of concom. I was flattered and excited so I said yes. What I’d seen that year was a con that emphasized consent. People who valued nonsexual kink and play. I saw a concom that heard people of color talking about their struggles and immediately encouraged an uncon discussion so that people could learn more about the issues they don’t see and might contribute to. I thought it’d be fun to contribute to the con, even if I did have some brain weasels suggesting that I was only asked to be on concom to be the token black girl. It didn’t matter, it was going to be great and I was going to get to help with an event I thought was super great!

Fast Forward -

The lead up to the con was the worst it has ever been. Everyone said so. I almost quit more times than I could count. This was not my mess and I should just nope the fuck out. I didn’t do that and then I felt stuck.

I lost sleep as I watched my friends and people I had held in high regard rip each other to shreds and then try and piss on the pieces. I bared witness as concom members and community members alike retraumatized each other and grew ill. I tried to help and steward as much as I could but grew ill myself. I did this while grad school abused me, while one of my partnerships imploded and the other suffered, while I nearly lost my home due to gentrification and unethical property management companies, while I struggled to find a good employment fit, while my housing destabilized again. I struggled to try and help hold shit together and build new policy as I experienced one of the worst and longest mixed episodes I’ve ever had.

Between stubborn arrogance, missing stairs with connections, attempts to weaponize process, poor decisions, fatigue fueled negligence, temper tantrum fueled legal threats, hurt filled name calling, and so much other shit there was nothing good left. Nobody came out looking good. Everything was miserable and worthless. I’d agreed to help run a sinking ship because I didn’t know anything about it before I hopped aboard.

By the time we got to June, I had an 11 page document that I’d been the primary person working on, an unhealthy amount of disgust and bitterness, extra responsibility, and most other areas of the con had gone neglected due to attempts at community engagement, lost concom members, and tangents into absurdity that I still can’t detail. I still wanted to quit but I didn’t because we’d lost too many people already. I didn’t leave, but I was ready for Entranced to die. And dying it was. Nobody wanted to do this anymore, this hobby was making us all sick and needed to go. Nobody would miss Entranced, it was a shitshow that had made too may fuck ups in the handling of incidents. Fuck it.

I wanted to finish killing Entranced.

And then, a few weeks before con, it happened. And I really thought that I had killed Entranced with my decision to stick to my guns and force the issue. For the second time in 6 months we lost a con chair and mentor. I thought that we were done.

But it didn’t end. Instead we three remaining concom took on more. We were all tired, all so done with this process. I became registration, hotel liaison, publicity, volunteer/DM coordinator, and orientation presenter as well as teaching my new Hypnosis and needles class.

I was seething. I wanted none of it and yet.

But with mere days left, people started coming together. An amazing person single-handedly solved our empty dungeon issue. People overwhelmed us with offers of help and I was able to roll with every last minute volunteer and DM drop and schedule switch, but I was still frustrated and wary.

Con -

2018 was my second Entranced. I didn’t really know many people and I was was running a very large amount of the con. I walked into the hotel ready for war. I walked in full of spite, anger and hurt. But I also walked in determined.

Long before me the Entranced ConCom had made mistakes. They had hurt people. People had developed grudges and it just made it worse on all sides. That should not have been my mess. But if I was going to be in charge, I was damn well going to do my best to ensure that there were no more messes like the ones from before.

We got things going. Orientation went relatively well, despite the crowd for the first session being too big for the hotel AC to handle. I made last minute request and adjustments with the hotel and with help we got all the supplies where they needed to go.

Honestly, the weekend was a blur. I was doing so much. Working with the hotel, doing orientations, collaborating with the consent team, managing volunteers, facilitating dungeon set-up and breakdown, making store runs, and all the other things that required my attention.

People were pretty nice overall. Most people were helpful and understanding when plans were vague or had to be shifted. Over the weekend people were grateful and passionate about the con and it was infectious. By Saturday night, I no longer wanted to bathe in the blood of a dead con (even if the damn elevators were broken). I saw people caring. I heard what the con meant to people. I was able to talk with some people and get more perspectives. Even people who had been hurt and betrayed by leadership want the con, or a new con, to continue as long as it continues to improve.

Sunday I got to teach, play with my partner, and play games. I was exhausted and in pain, but I was finally having fun and having real interactions. Teaching went ok, but I lost my outline and forgot some stuff. I want to thank everyone who played One Night Ultimate Werewolf. I had such an amazing time with you all.

Nonetheless, much of the time I still felt alone. I went to bed alone as my partner enjoyed herself. (As she should, she had to deal with me and my surly misery. It was time for her to have some fun.) I cried a lot, some in private, some not so much. I was honest in the round table about some of the struggle and my inability to do anything like this year again. My partner and I ate dinner alone Sunday night. I still don’t know many people and I sure as fuck still don’t know who, if anyone, I can trust. However, I now am open to the Chicago con not being totally dead. I’m even open to possibly helping lead it if I can build a strong, stable, ethical team. I love many aspects of the hypno community too and I do think that I want to continue facilitating space for people to learn and enjoy hypnosis. I want to help make the hypno side of the kink community more welcoming and friendly for people of color, especially queer people of color. So, the more I think about it, the more I think that with the right people I board, I’ll keep working on a Midwest/Chicago hypno con.

[newhampshirelovee]

Hiatus

It has been QUITE some time since I have been on this blog (five years to be exact). Man, has my life changed. I have: graduated with my bachelors degree, moved out, started grad school, moved back in with my parents, moved back out again, graduated with my masters, gotten engaged, bought a house, got married, bought a puppy, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again and had the most beautiful baby boy, Owen.

Since Owen was born, things have been not so good with hubby and I. I recently learned that he had some sort of alter ego and an online relationship with a woman in Australia. I found this out when I just simply turned on the iPad for the white noise app to help get Owen back to sleep and a discord conversation was left open. My husband completely wrote me out of his and Owens life. Saying that I up and left them and I was neglectful. Also telling this woman that he loved her. So here I am at 4AM reading through this conversation and trying to not wake up my sleeping child with my uncontrollable sobbing. My main reason for being upset was not the fact that he was talking to that Aussie girl. It was the fact that someone out there thinks that I am a bad mom. My son is the most important person in my entire life and I love that little guy with everything I have in me. 4AM on a Sunday morning I had a very important decision to make. What in the fuck do I do now?

4AM On a Sunday morning I was slamming a suitecase on the bed that he and I share as he was still sleeping in it. He woke up and asked what I was doing and I said that he should ask Jess. We talked, and cried, and I was in no headspace for either of those things.

I learned that he has been suffering with depression for quite some time. I learned that he created this alter ego to “get out of his own head” because he couldn’t keep up with how fast life was going and changing around him and he had control over that. He said that he didn’t mean a single thing he said to her and that it was all a lie. He said that he wants to work to rebuild what ever I want to have for a relationship with me.

Fast forward to now, a week after that 4AM fiasco. I am tired, heartbroken, and jaded. I love my husband and I was not prepared emotionally for any of this to happen. So what do I do? I want my sons life to be as normal as possible (he is 5 months old). It’s EXHAUSTING to act completely normal when I am around Owen. I get to work and I am a different person. I want to believe what my husband says. We are starting counseling next week.

Has anyone else gone through this? Any advise is helpful.

[wellesleyunderground]

Ask Sylvie: Disillusioned by PhD program by Yael D Sherman ‘00 (@ydsherman)

Photo by Lili Popper on Unsplash

Hi Sylvie,

I write to you as a newish alum who is struggling with a lot of disillusionment during my second year in a STEM PhD program. The short version is that my supervisor is neurotic bordering on abusive, my project doesn’t interest me but I am bound to it because of funding, and I don’t feel motivated to work on it at all. I also have realized I have no interest in remaining in academia. Certainly a PhD in this field would not hurt in getting me where I think I want to go, which is project management in a technical field. But I feel so unhappy in this program and so distant from the confident and driven person I was when I graduated from Wellesley. I’ve considered trying to switch supervisors, as my current one has a terrible reputation in the department and has had a lot of attrition lately. She has become very paranoid about me talking to other faculty and how I use my time, and I do not know how I would approach this. I already discussed my dissatisfaction with her at the beginning of the year, and told her I wanted to leave the lab. But she told me anything else I might do would be a waste of time, and pushed hard for me to stay with her, which I agreed to, though I wish I hadn't. I suppose my question is “how do I know when enough is enough?” How unhappy do I have to be to st art making plans to leave, how much of these feelings are normal for PhD students, and how much of a sacrifice am I willing to make for a degree I am not even sure I need?

Signed,

Grad in Transition, 2016

Dear Grad,

Before I say anything else, I have to say how angry I am at your supervisor and how inappropriate and wrong her behavior is. She sounds emotionally abusive to me-- isolating you, manipulating you, telling you that anything else is a waste of time--that’s awful. It is not ok for her to treat you like this.

My instant response is to tell you to GET OUT NOW. GO. You do not need this degree. You do not need to stay in this program. And I’m saying that as someone who has been through a PhD program, albeit in the humanities. You are allowed to leave, and leaving does not make you a failure.

Having said that, that I want to fully address your question and outline your options.

First, If you want to stay in this program, you can find a different advisor. You are allowed to fire your advisor. This relationship is not working out for you. You are not bound to her. You do not owe her anything. You can find a different advisor to work with.

Second, If you want to change projects, you are allowed to do that. I know that funding is a real concern, but you are allowed to change your mind. You are not bought and paid for. You are allowed to say that you do not want to pursue this line of research, thank you very much, and that you will be working on something else. Figuring out what you want to do and how to fund it are two different challenges-- and you may or may not be interested in taking that on.  

You are allowed to leave the PhD program right now. You asked how unhappy do you have to be to leave, and the answer is any degree of unhappiness-- you are allowed to leave NOW. You do not need to suffer until you break. I am giving you permission to take your feelings and your experience seriously. You can leave because you don’t like it. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to try things out and decide, nope, that’s not for me.  It is OK to zig and zag on your career path. It is OK to leave the program now.

Let’s say you stick with it and get your PhD. What do you have to look forward to? For one thing,  it is really hard to get a tenure-track job. If you are lucky enough to get a TT job, the pressures around funding that you’re experiencing now won’t go away. If anything, they’ll intensify as a STEM professor, as you’ll be expected to bring in your own funding for research projects. That means researching and writing grants, constantly seeking new sources of funding. Or, if you are like the vast majority of PhDs who stay in academia, it means adjuncting and living on the margins.

I have a PhD in Women’s Studies, and while it’s different in the Humanities, I know what academia is like. People in academia tend to believe that that is the only worthy option, the only thing worth doing. But the truth is that that is the view from inside the fish bowl. There is a whole world out there, and there are many worthy things to do. You can leave and thrive-- I know because I did, and I promise, you can too.

My question for you is why did you choose to go to grad school in the first place? I think, for some of us (me included), being good at school is an incentive to continue-- our professors encourage us, we love school, we’re good at it, why not do more of it? But this is not  a good reason to choose a career path. In some ways, it’s harder to go into the unknown, the real world, than it is to stay in school. What pulled and pushed you into going to grad school? If you can figure out your own motivations-- what you really love, what you fear-- you can use that information to help chart your path forward.

Where else can you apply the smarts that you’re bringing to school? What kind of job do you want? Where do you see yourself in five years? If you need help answering these questions, you can start talking to people in different jobs and finding out what exists out there in the real world. I did a lot of informational interviewing when I was searching for a new path outside of academia. It was a lot of work, but it really helped me figure out how to move forward and make connections. Informational interviewing helped me fill in the dark places on my own map-- what else was out there that I might want to do? What do non-academic career paths look like?  

At the moment, Grad, I’m concerned by how worn down and tired you sound.  You are not motivated to work on your project, and when you look around, all you see are closed doors-- you can’t do anything, you’re stuck. To me, this sounds like depression. Temporary? Situational? Indicative of a larger pattern? I don’t know, and I could be wrong. But I want to call your attention to this, and ask you to think about whether you might benefit from some extra support-- therapy, grad student support group, weekly phone dates with a friend, a psychiatrist-- whatever that might look like for you. Even if you are just feeling beaten down by your situation-- which is perfectly understandable-- extra support could help.

There are also things that you can do for yourself while you are in this situation. You can aim to get eight hours of sleep at night. You can exercise for 30 minutes a day-- take a walk, go to a yoga class, lift weights at the gym-- the kind of exercise doesn’t matter, but moving your body, even when you don’t want to, will help. Nurture yourself. Eat your veggies. Prioritize your health and well-being, and say no to the things that will interfere. This may sound simplistic, but we need to care for our bodies. I’m not saying that doing these things will make everything better or solve your problems-- but they will put you in a better place to make decisions and take action.  

When you are struggling to stay afloat, it is really hard to make a decision. Everything seems hard and miserable. What you feel is painful but not permanent. You can change your situation. You can leave the PhD program and still be a smart, ambitious person who is going to do good and interesting things. You can fire your advisor and find another research project that you want to do. Remember that it is up to you-- only you can decide what you want in your life.

I have faith in you, Grad.  I want to hear what you choose to do next. And I know that whatever happens, this time will become a piece of your story, something you look back and marvel at, remember when I was in that PhD program? Can you believe that? And you will look at the life you have made and marvel at that too.

Take care of yourself and good luck. You can do it.

Love,

Sylvie

--

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[thisnerdsadventures]

how operating systems went for me

the beginning

In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?

Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.

WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)

And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.

the crisis begins

*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”

After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.

A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.

And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.

lazy_alloc

So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.

It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”

It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.

exam szn

Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me

All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.

the finish line

This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.

obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol

[chromsai]

Sai, I just went and watched Yugioh Everything's video on Yusaku and Aoi having Autism and Depresson, respectively. While he makes some solids points and I agree with them having mental problems, he basically said Vrains is the first yugioh to talk about 'such dark topics.' If your up to it could you bring up some characters in previous ygo series (Arc-V or all your choice) that implied to have mental problems cause Vrains is not the first by a long shot lmao.

Lmao sorry this answer is kinda late since the past few days have been busy for me and ironically enough you sent this right when I just got back from a grad school info session (regarding psych programs ofc) which made me realize I kinda wanna pursue a career more along research in the field of abnormal psychology which is one of my stronger areas of knowledge in psychology already anyway. I just really like it that much.

So yeah I did see this ask like almost right when you sent it but it was late and I had just gotten home after a nice day and YE’s videos haven’t been making me too happy lately so ofc sorry I kinda avoided watching it that night cuz I didn’t wanna ruin my nice day (just in case). But now that I watched it, well as far as I can remember he didn’t outright say that this is the first time a Yugioh’s dealt with these issues before (but I can see how you got that he perhaps implied it).

That all being said, I still have just a, I’d say, general yet above-average knowledge in these subjects (hey I have a degree in Psych, yes, but that doesn’t make me an expert by any means and I’m not afraid to say that, hell I love learning new things about psych all the time) so please keep that in mind (also please keep in mind too that I cannot professionally diagnose anyone, but for the sake of discussion about the psychology in fiction, I can definitely give my thoughts on what would be the most probably diagnosis for certain characters). Besides that though, if YE does actually believe that this is the first time these kinds of issues have ever been dealt with in Yugioh, well wow idk how much he’s been paying attention before this...

(Long read with further examples + explanations from characters in each series under the cut)

Regarding his statements on the Vrains characters and the disorders he mentioned, I’ll give it to him. In fact, I too am pretty sure by now that all of Yusaku’s “quirks” point to Autism, though, and YE didn’t mention this so idk how knowledgeable he is regarding other personality disorders, he also seems to show symptoms of OCPD (obsessive-compulsive); these include being obsessed or preoccupied with making lists and keeping track of small details, over preoccupation with work or meeting goals to the point of neglecting your social life or forming close relations, unwillingness to see ethics or values in someone else’ light, being stubborn, etc. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has both since there’s a high co-morbidity between ASD and OCPD.

In regards to Aoi, again yes I agree. Girl has depression. It’s very obvious (this I can say with confidence as someone who has suffered previously from it [note: I sought help and let’s just say I’m very glad I did]. The Paranoid Personality Disorder... (I’m gonna be honest.... I didn’t pay enough attention to Aoi’s character enough to determine a firmer answer and I don’t really feel like rewatching the ep). According to him, it’s a possible thing. He did mention that she could just be acting that way because her whole entire life she’s been kinda used so she has a general distrust of people, but that’s just the thing. If in fact he’s correct about her symptoms matching up, it doesn’t necessarily matter if she’s acting this way due to her childhood trauma, in fact, that’s even more reason to validate her suffering from PPD (another area I feel more confident about in psych is child/adolescent development and hey guess what, lots of personality disorder symptoms start showing up during childhood or are even a direct cause of childhood trauma).

Speaking of childhood trauma, you wanted to know characters from other series that have mental illnesses/suffer from personality disorders? Well... (*cough cough* as a psychologist, why do you think I enjoyed Arc V so much?)...Here’s a quick list of just a few select characters I can think of:Arc V:-Yuya (remember, the childhood trauma I mentioned): Oh my poor boy suffers from dysthymia. Again, I’m pretty confident here because I can relate (because I suffer from it too ahaha). While we don’t know exactly for how long, it’s been at least three years with it (ugh) since his father’s disappearance and all the bullying. He shows so many signs of it throughout the show (it would be pointless to get screencaps because the signs are literally everywhere): dysthymia (sometimes called “persistent depressive disorder”) is noted by sadness, anger, irritability, mood swings, loss of appetite, insomnia (did you notice in Synchro when we was feeling depressed in his room he didn’t eat at all and stayed up all night despite being noticeably tired), indecisiveness, low self-esteem, among others. I’m sure people might argue against me, trying to say “oh well he’s energetic for the most part and still smiles a lot” well guess what, there’s lots of entertainers, comedians, performers, and just overall really sociable people who do a terrifyingly good job hiding it.I saw someone once mention that they headcanoned Yuya also has Histrionic Personality Disorder and well... he actually does show signs of it but not so much that he actually meets criteria. Even for being an entertainer tho, he shows this more than the others (either Dennis, Yuzu, or even Yusho), but again, can’t be diagnosed with it.Lastly, and this is more of a post-canon thought regarding the prognosis of his mental health... he’s definitely gonna deal with some dissociative symptoms for the rest of his life (or until somehow, some way they find a way to separate him and the other Yuus, and even then still...). There is just no way in hell you can convince me that he’s not gonna experience dissociation on a regular basis with 3 other people living inside him. Same goes for Yuzu. (Side note: RIP my heart.)

-Shun: He suffers from PTSD. Oh man he’s kind of textbook PTSD: irritableness, mistrust, social issolation, flashbacks, hostility, fear, anxiety, paranoia, agitation, hyper-vigilance, etc. (I’d also say Yuto and Kaito suffer this too).

-Reria: Also suffers from PTSD, but since Reira is much younger, coping with childhood PTSD is a lot harder and leads to more frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive or unwanted thoughts, nightmares, avoidant behavior, etc.

-Yuri: Conduct Disorder, aka the precursor to Antisocial Personality Disorder. He’s 14 so he can’t really be diagnosed as the second. Anyways, what really tipped me off about him having this is his blatant disregard for any remorse towards harming others. He just doesn’t feel it. On the contrary, he straight up says he enjoys it, says he needs it “just like breathing”, he’s an overall really violent kid and starts fights with literally anyone that gets in his way (like... it’s even his catchphrase “You’re in my way!”), has no knows long term close relationships with anyone (reeaaally wish they had given us more of him and Dennis together tho...), and he’s known to deceive, trick, or lie to others with no guilt at all. (He’s also seen as similar to past villains of Yugioh, outright disproving the implication that Vrains is the first Yugioh to deal with personality or mental disorder issues).

-Zarc: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Again, another textbook example. And yes, similar to Aoi’s possible Paranoid Personality Disorder, this is canonically induced into his personality as a result of the society he lived in praising his violent duel style and eventual lust for power due in part to the same reason. But just because it was induced due to circumstance doesn’t make it any less valid. It’s another form of trauma, just like Aoi’s whole “being used all her life” led her to develop PDD.

And well there’s more examples in Arc V (you can also argue that Shingo also suffers from NPD to some extent, etc.) but I think those are the biggest ones I can think of right now.

And of course, though I’ve seen them all, I know Arc V the best + it’s just the one that’s in my most recent memory so it’s easier to talk about them, but some other quick examples from the series that I can think of:

DM:-Kaiba: Again, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.-Marik: I think he’s a strong candidate for being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (at least the way his villainous arc portrayed him as).-Bakura: Actually an adult so actual Antisocial Personality Disorder.

GX:-Judai: Depression & Dissociation. Yep.-Ryo Marufuji/Hell Kaiser: Definitely could argue that he displays signs of Sadisitic Personality Disorder, just keep in mind that it is no longer included in the DSM-V so it is not something someone would be typically diagnosed with professionally.-Manjoume: Another Narcissist.

5D’s:-Jack Atlas: Okay so he’s more of an accurate example of Histrionic Personality Disorder, minus the sexual criteria (which, if the Yugioh anime genre/audience allowed, I’m sure would be plausible since he also displays signs of NPD, implying that he might actually want that kind of physical/superficial attention).-Aki: Also like Aoi, displayed symptoms of PPD, though I’d argue she definitely has it and just learns to cope over time after befriending Yusei & co.-Sherry: Shows signs of high functioning ASD (being perfectionist and being obsessed with finding out about her parents murder), but ASD isn’t something I’m too confident talking about yet so maybe don’t quote me on this.-Divine: I’d say you can argue he’s has Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Zexal:-Vector: Another one with.... I mean... he’s not really 13 or 14, he’s actually, what, like 100s of years old? So instead of Conduct Disorder, he actually has Antisocial... technically...-Fuya: OOOOOHHHH You thought I wouldn’t remember a character like him??? (Again, as a psychologist, these are the characters I like the most). He’s memorable to me, despite being a minor character, cuz I’d say he definitely displays signs of having Avoidant Personality Disorder, especially with regards to using his Esper Robin personality to avoid all those intrusive, self-conscious thoughts he doesn’t find pleasant.-Shark/Ryoga/Nasch: Also has PTSD.-IV: He’s borderline Antisocial. Not quite. But almost there.

OOOKAYY Well anyways, those were just a bunch of examples. There’s way more, I’m sure that I missed A TON. But yes it’s as you said, Vrains is definitely NOT the first time in Yugioh history where characters have had to struggle with mental health / personality disorder issues. Far from it.

And wow actually thank you for the ask! This was really fun to think about and I welcome the discussion any time! Anyone, don’t be afraid to let me know if there’s stuff I might have left out or if there’s anything wrong with this or any arguments for or against any of this.

[fitnesshealthyoga-blog]

New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/rosie-acosta-nutrition-wellness-consultant/

Rosie Acosta, Nutrition & Wellness Consultant

During the last 25 years, we’ve certified over 110,000 professionals. To celebrate our 25th year in business, we’re selecting 25 grads to showcase this year. Meet our next featured grad, Rosie Acosta, an AFPA Certified Nutrition & Wellness Consultant, who’s been certified with us for 10+ years and has used to her certification to build a successful health and wellness career.

How did you originally become interested in health and wellness?

When I was in my late teens, I suffered from debilitating panic attacks, I was on medication for depression and suffering from PTSD, and I was severely overweight. I grew up in East Los Angeles during the LA riots, so I was in a very chaotic environment growing up. There was never really any education around taking care of yourself or knowing the right types of food to eat or the right way to take care of your well-being. So, by the time I was a teenager, I was almost 200 pounds.

I was really struggling with a lot of different things in my life but especially my health. Around this time, I found yoga. I was introduced to yoga as a lifestyle as opposed to a physical practice. At the same time, I met a personal trainer, who knew a lot about nutrition, and I was introduced to a different way of taking care of your body and your health.

I was really interested in the fact that food actually had the ability to heal. It didn’t take very long for me to realize that I had the power to control my well-being. Once I did, I just fell in love with learning about how food can actually change your mood, your body, your mental state, in accordance with being active. I started to lose weight. I started to see all of the benefits of actually getting healthy, and I fell in love with it.

Why did you choose the AFPA Nutrition & Wellness Certification?

In my search for finding the right certification, I stumbled upon AFPA’s online courses. I was working full time and going to school full time. So, I needed to find something that was good that I could do on my own time. The AFPA course curriculum was everything that I wanted to learn, and it was all online, so it totally spoke to me.

I did a lot of research, and I did find a lot of other schools out there. Something that stood out to me about the AFPA program was the fact that they’ve been around for so long. I loved that they have longevity, and to me, that added validity to them. I was really concerned with doing something that had merit; I didn’t want to just sign up for some random coaching certification or some really big branded thing.

It just felt to me that AFPA really did their homework. They really valued the material that they were bringing to the forefront of all the different programs that they had. I liked the fact that they’ve been around for over 25 years. And that’s what convinced me.

What is your career now?

Today, I am a certified life coach, health and wellness consultant, and a yoga teacher. With my nutrition and wellness consultant certification, I’m able to consult with clients that want guidance on how to eat, how to get healthy, and how to create lifestyle changes within their environment to create a better life.

What was your career prior to getting certified?

Before I became a full-time yoga teacher and a health and life coach, I was working as an executive assistant and it was 24/7. My life really revolved around doing tasks for a company and for somebody else, as opposed to me doing tasks to fulfill my own dreams and my own desires. So, getting my certification was a moment for me that helped solidify the fact that I was really interested in what I was doing, and I really wanted to create a better life for people. I was so tired of living my life helping somebody else fulfill their dreams. I was so ready to fulfill my purpose, to really step into what I wanted to be doing and who I wanted to be.

What is your favorite part about your career?

One of my favorite things about what I do is that I get to work with people. I love to be able to connect with people, and I love to be able to see the changes in people over a period of time. I love people that are willing to commit to their health for like a year or two years or three years. I have people that I’ve been working with for over 10 years at this point. And to me, the most rewarding part is to be able to see them thrive and to be able to see their lives actually change and their bodies change, their energies change, everything changes, and all because they were willing to commit to their own health and wellness.

Can you share some of your client success stories?

I have so many stories of people that I’ve worked with. I’ve worked with Afghan vets that have changed their life around using modalities like yoga and meditation, as well as nutrition and holistic health. I have many clients that I’ve worked with that were severely overweight and have now lost so much weight. People that were prediabetic. I’ve helped a lot of families together; I’ve gone into households where the whole family wants a revamp on their nutrition, and I’ve gone into their kitchens and taken everything out of their pantry and taught them how to choose certain foods and how to cook certain things that don’t take a lot of time.

How has this AFPA nutrition certification impacted your life?

The AFPA certification was the first certification I received. It was so vital for me just with my own health; everything that I was learning, I was applying to my own life. It was easy for me to transition that in working with people. I was able to utilize my certification right away because I had so many people asking me what I was doing. And so I was kind of using myself to see how all these different modalities and everything that I was learning about health and wellness was working. I then started using everything that I learned right away to see clients.

This certification has been something I’ve used for the last 10 years. I’ve seen such a huge impact on people’s lives because of it. Our health is the only commodity we actually have, so if we don’t have our health, we don’t have anything. It’s so important for us to really learn how to take care of ourselves or to have people that care enough about themselves and about the people around them to get a certification like this or to learn about nutrition and health so that they could bring that education to everybody else.

Also, having the accreditation has helped so much because it’s given value and validity to what I provide for my students and for my clients.  

What advice do you have for others who are thinking about getting certified?

I think that if you have a desire to get into the field of health and wellness, regardless of how saturated you think it might be, you have to do it. Every single person has their own unique medicine to give to the world. And it doesn’t matter if we’re all learning the same thing; your particular way of relaying the information to one particular person, it could be exactly what they need to hear in that moment. So I think that if people are curious about it, absolutely do it. That’s always been my advice.

The one thing that I will say is, make sure that wherever you go, the schooling, the certification, the accreditation is substantial and it’s valid and it comes from a reliable source. This is the one piece of advice I give everybody. I get so many people asking me where I did my certification. And I always, always tell them about AFPA. They’ve been around for over 25 years, way before a lot of these newer schools were born. And I feel like there’s efficacy to that, and I feel like there’s a stronghold in the information that they’re teaching us as practitioners and as educators that I feel they really hold the highest standard.  

Follow Rosie: @rosieacosta www.radicallyloved.com 

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What if I made a fake email account and just sent him a link to this very post? At the library. Would that be terrible? Yes it would but like will I ever resolve my issues if I don't get some closure somehow? It's like he stole a part of my heart and I'm not even allowed to try and get it back. But you can't just let go of part of your heart so what do you do? Just live suffering forever? Okay now I'm crying just imagining trying to deal with this forever. But I'm afraid he'd be insufferable. I'm afraid he'd interrupt. I'm afraid he'd tell me I'm wrong and try to manipulate me more. Back to square one. There is literally no way to handle this. I really need some help I think but we all know I'd never ask for it. I miss him and hate him and love him and am furious with him and am super hurt and super sad and super lost. He ruined so many things about me. He ruined so much. It wasn't me! I'm innocent! I must be innocent I am 29 years younger than him! And I didn't make any moves and I wasn't manipulative! It wasn't my fault but it feels like it was and it feels like I'll always be tainted, like he injected my veins with bleach or poison or something. I wish it would have either worked out or never happened at all. But this, this space I've been living in for a year now, this is hell. It's like a fire alarm going off in your brain and the faint taste of ink in your mouth nonstop. It's looking at my body and wondering if somebody else could permanently ruin me with their touch. It's constantly looking up plane tickets to new york, it's constantly wanting to say something to anyone or find a way to do something about it. But I don't talk about this with anyone! Except for my one best friend who has made it explicitly clear that she's tired of hearing about it cause it makes her sick. I didn't think I'd still care at this point. I thought I was somebody that gets over everything. THIS WAS ALL FOR HIM!!!!!! I'M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL BECAUSE HE SUGGESTED IT FIRST!!!!!! I AM JUST TRYING TO PLEASE MY ABUSER/RAPIST/CULT LEADER/PROFESSIONAL SUPERIOR/LOVE OF MY LIFE AND IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE AND I'M LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND! I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS NONSTOP FOR A YEAR