#and maybe if i accept it ill get over it
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#at some point i just need to accept my brother has essentially taken my dog#and maybe if i accept it ill get over it#im clinging to that dog with my fingernails and as per usual i have to be the eldest daughter#and just let my things be taken#im just. this isn’t worded well. im just. very tired of this.#i do EVERYTHING for that dog—feed him take him to the vet groom him bathe him#and just.#sigh.#ignore me.#delete later#i just still remember the time my dad told me i shouldn’t allow him into my room#so he’d be encouraged to go into my brother’s room#bc my brother was really depressed and refusing to take his antidepressants (which he STILL doesn’t take#THIS MAN IS 33 FUCKING YEARS OLD)#and i wish i had just said something like ‘do you realize how unfair that is to me?’#but ofc he wouldn’t bc im the eldest daughter. and no matter how many times i point out how unfair that is to my parents#nothing changes. it just. im expected to just deal with it.#with shit like my dog—MY. FUCKING. DOG.—becoming my brother’s#as if my mental health doesn’t matter#and listen im on antidepressants and they make a helluva difference#but that dog is mine. my one thing. and now he’s not.#sorry im also probably gonna start my period any day now so im hella fucking emotional#i just miss my dog.
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i haint watched the dang chibisode and idk if ill actually watch it with sound on sdfjk but i have a hurt feeling about them casually imbuing perry with speech for a one off gag because the idea that he needs to talk to communicate is fake. we had 4 seasons of wacky magic hijinks cartoon where perry never needed verbal speech to communicate. they couldve done this gag at any point in the show but they didn't, and the fact that they didn't felt significant. perry's muteness is such a core part of his character, to me, to the way i conceive of him/write him. i don't wanna overreact to a goofy little side cartoon (even tho i'm doing it anyway) but it's still the characters, and it still upsets me! ok that's it i've said my piece
#ill watch it at some point but despite my silence i have been like obsessively anxious about this cartoon#and pestered my friend to watch it for me sDFJKL#in a month this will have either ruined pnf for me forever or i'll have changed my mind and i like it actually its fine#for now anyway i have tons of comic sketches about perry's muteness that i no longer wanna finish and share...maybe someday but not now#i had a rly great day actually but now im falling asleep in bed tipsy and a little teary over this. cuz i love perry a lot he's#really special to me. i also got that star wars perry shirt in the mail today btw. and. it's such a good pj shirt#but back on topic#it sucks when an aspect of a character that is CORE to your appreciation of them becomes casually disregarded by the writers at some point#like im certainly not ever accepting an interpretation of perry like 'secretly hed really like to be able to talk' because its#never ever been communicated. like the idea that heinz wd prefer if perry was human. its just not in the show. the opposite is true in fact#so im left feeling stupid for caring about something that some writers(inc. dan) felt was unimportant. makes me not wanna continue my art#which sux cuz i like my comic ideas! id love to finish them. i hope i get over this.#i overreact to live-updating media when im fixated on it wh is why i prefer getting into dead fandoms haha#but they keep on bringing them back to life dont they...im never safe#it was funny me trying to explain to my friend why i efel so strongly about this meanwhile hes tried to explain why he feels so strongly ab#ut AYA and my stance on that episode has always just been “cute! its fine” lmao#@ dwampy you guys made the show that follows a specific rhythm and set of rules designed to appeal to obsessive autistic brained people ok#you invited my overreaction. unsheathes katana etc#ok im goint to sleep#meta
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Hi! Sorry for notification spamming you but wanted to tell you that your TROD tags made me lol, I LOVE your art so much and I’m interested in your AU too. Anyway, love your blog!
P.S. maybe I missed it but you said somewhere that your Narinder was pretty messed up for a few years post revival. Could you give some more details on that? Did he try to hurt them? Who had to take care of him, the lamb? What’s been the downstream effects? Basically, how is this cat still messed up lol.
dont be! everytime i get a notification i go yuppiee!!! im glad you enjoy my art :DD
okay okay its prime yap time under the cut oof i love my fucked up cat sm
Lambert, mainly, took care of him! They made sure that every comfort he needed was provided and were worried out of their mind the entire time. Their disciples helped watch over Narinder when he was unconscious, just so he wouldn't bolt the moment he awoke, and Witness Allocer stitched some of his wound and prepared a special painkiller blend for him. (in my au the high priests, aka the mini bosses, and the witnesses were very close to the bishops! Allocer made the same painkillers for Shamura as well.)
Okay so obviously his wrists and ankles were pretty fucked up from being chained for a thousand years and he's got a lot of internal damage as well bc some of the chains went through him (og Stychu hc that I adopted bc it's so good). Also just general wounds from the final fight and the unfathomable pain of shrinking down from his godly form.
Upon being spared, he did attack them in a post battle adrenaline and hate fueled delirium, right on the indoctrination stone and not only broke his arm (bc he put too much weight on it), but probably gave himself a heavy concussions by slamming his head on said stone seconds after the break happened lmao. After waking up in,,, just a Haze of agony he tried to get up and run away bc he was scared that the lamb would just keep him existing in this special Purgatory and shattered his opposite calf so there's that as well. Unlucky tbh
He bleeds like,,, constantly. All of the time, for literal years on end. From his eyes mostly, but also nose and ears and he throws up ichor a lot in the beginning as well bc his body is adjusting rapidly to being smaller and there's just No Space for the ichor to go, other than out. He’s constantly exhausted and spends a lot of time sleeping, and is very frail physically, if snapping two bones by simply putting weight on them didn't make it obvious enough lol
All and all not a great shape to be in, but! His wounds aren't actually what caused him to be bedridden for so long. It was the fact that he no longer saw himself as a god while still being one and suffering injuries befitting of one!
His body/the Red Crown isn't healing him as much as it’s literally regenerating parts of itself while he suffers everything that comes with that, alongside being out of the Veil/Gateway for the first time in forever and emotionally dealing with the deaths of his acolytes and the supposed betrayal of the one he allowed himself to trust after his family. In fact, Narinder barely heals at all for a while bc he was just mentally stopping the process. And also unconscious for a lot of it.
The other big reason is that god hearts are a great power source, but his heart has been in Lambert's chest since Silk Cradle. So he is Struggling ™ but he’d actually rather die than take his heart back he’s a simp like that smh
After he inevitably breaks and he and Lambert finally talk, he gradually starts seeing himself as a person again and his healing process gets easier. He still has chronic pain for his joints but eventually everything else heals alright :3
On a side note, his siblings bleed excessively and are disoriented for the first couple of days but are ultimately fine within the week. They are kind of horrified to learn that their brother is STILL struggling with the side effects of his imprisonment
#god this was a lot of words#i love yapping 😔#i think even if he won he would've been fucked up from the chains at least#but with the true extent of his godhood it would've taken him maybe a day to get everything in order#honestly i think he suffers most mentally bc nari Knows and Accepts pain but it needs to have a vissible end to it yk#like getting absolutelly wrecked in a fight. but knowing that once its over u can rest#but bc hes genuenly out of his mind from pain/medication he doesnt see that end and it makes him absolutely hopeless for a while#doesnt help that lamb stays w him only when hes out and the resulting loneliness is. Not Good.#op has let me free of my cage and i got way to far away from it /pos#dont have anyone irl to talk abt this so. ill take any chance i can#im writing abt his fist couple of years btw! not sure when ill post it but its nearing 20k yuppie#ask#cotl#cotl narinder#main cotl verse#<- placeholder name till i figure out a real one
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MiqoMarch Day 23 - Midnight
With their intended voyage into the void only a few days out, Arsay thought it the upmost importance that she steal her partner away to Kugane, that they might share one more fond memory together should things not turn out the way they plan in the thirteenth. It was as they crossed the very same bridge the miqo'te had once sat on together two years prior when Arsay gifted Y'shtola with a bracelet matching that of her own. A token of endearment which, Arsay confessed, she would have given to her fellow scion back then, had nerves not gotten the best of her. While their relationship has undoubtedly changed since the initial purchase of the jewellery, the sentiment remained the same. Y'shtola was someone who Arsay loved dearly and she will forever be grateful to have the seeker's life intertwined with her own. No matter where their free spirits took them, they would always hold each other in their hearts. A promise Y'shtola was more than willing to keep. She slipped the the string of beads around her wrist without a second thought. They were never to come off, not even when the two decided to delay their return to Radz-at-Han in favour of a private bath at the dead of night.
#miqomarch#miqomarch 2024#ffxiv#y'shtola rhul#y'shtola x wol#wolshtola#arsay nun lore#arshtola#thanks to nhaneh for the body mod#i had to do some insane fov to get the moon and them in the same shot so sorry for the distortion#forcing arshtola lore into this prompt since idk when Ill ever get around to gposing the actual scene#this is between 6.1 and 6.2!#endwalker patch spoilers#i had the idea that arsay bought the Dai-ryumyaku bracelets from a vendor between 4.3 n 4.4 when shtola is off to the doman enclave#and arsay is like hey wait you should let me show you around kugane on the way over!#a fun friend date that ends with shtola finally accepting she has a crush on arsay and its terminal#and arsay having a single moment where she starts reflecting on feelings & thinks maybe she missed hanging out w/shtola more than she shoul#only to quickly butt that idea out of her head and continue being super normal#arsay notices these matching bracelets with red and purple string and shes like oh they are so cute and they look like#they belong in a pair it would be so sad if they were ever split up unexpectedly#i know ill buy them and give one to shtola wouldnt that be fun!#so she does that and then cant bring herself to give yshtola the damn thing because she starts second guessing herself#so arsay stashes the bracelets away and she started wearing hers later under her glove#fast forward to two years later and arsay finds the other one in one of her bags#and now shes dating yshtola and they are about to go somewhere super dangerous#what better time to tell your gf how much they have always meant to you#and what better way to do it than with a gift and some words spoken from the heart?#it was a little unconventional since arsay didnt really have marriage on the mind but it was a proposal in a sense#WOL posting#Arsay Nun
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the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years
i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life
#kostik speaks#having a moment#is it fucked up that the vast majority of what i can place on my life timeline is directly lifted from the internet archive#where i desperately try to remember old urls and see if any evidence of my existence has been immortalised#just so i can know what i was doing. and who i was. and what i was going through. when.#anyway#im so upset about how much evidence of myself ive destroyed now that im finally trying to put the pieces together#just because i refused to accept that was me and i took it upon myself to delete the old mes from existence#over and over again#because reading what id written and identifying with who i was was immensely dysphoric and distressing#any sort of life history is just. not there#i try very hard but i rely a lot on other people and archives that i cant wipe myself#because otherwise the pieces of my memory just dont work and none of it makes sense#its tough#just had to ask my mother when my grandmother died#it was really not long ago#because it was a significant event. i have a memory fragment of learning the news. i have no idea when it was though#maybe learning the time of year will explain some things. heres to hoping#im venting ignore me#i must have asked her before already but! youll never guess. i forgot#so i asked again and this time ill get it on the spreadsheet#so maybe i can build up a small timeline of that section of the year around that date#thats what im hoping. heres to hoping
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"Oh it would have been more satisfying if the humans had invented a technology which defeated the Martians rather than have them killed off by accident just when humanity's impotence in the face of disaster seems to be confirmed". I
To me that's just a fancy way of saying "Yeah but humans could totally handle the Martians and the writer has a duty to reassure the audience of that!"
Sir we cannot even handle climate change and I'm sorry to tell you that it's not entirely due to a lack of technological expertise
#In all fairness maybe we can handle climate change we don't know yet but it's going to take a lot more than a fancy new invention#As for war and genocide and all the other human ills that we can't seem to solve how do you think the atomic bomb worked out#And when I say technology or science I don't just mean in the normal STEM sense#As a history student you end up asking a lot whether your subject is actually beneficial to society or capable of solving anything#Or the political sciences- was the League f Nations or even today's UN a success?#Maybe if we just keep learning and studying we can solve it! Well maybe. But what will humanity look like when we're done?#Anyway I'm getting a bit far from the point of the War of the Worlds but maybe I'm just not enough of a science fiction nut for this convo#Maybe the image of societal collapse impressed itself on me more strongly than any delight over long-winded explanations of alien machines#Maybe it would be different if I'd read the book hoping for a good story about aliens#rather than to read one man's uncomfortable rather pessimistic views on what an alien invasion might tell us about human ity#I am simply asking certain fans to sometimes Dig a Little Deeper#Alright rant really over this time#...maybe#It's just that there are so many potential issues with that book but honestly I can't accept that the ending is one of them#Even the hint at the end that since the Martians proved it possible maybe some day humans might colonise other planets I just !!!!!
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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OKAY SAD POSTING OVER! sry to be negative af wtf so good news dump ! saw bestie for a long weekend, got drinks with friends in their city's small town and met strangers who were so NICE and not creepy, a v nice lady gave me a personal tip of $20 bc she remembers me everytime i take her order (which made me nearly cry!! wtf!!), my working out nearly every day while listening to my audio books is showing up & paying off & i feel sm better physically and mentally, & oh i got into a phd program <3 i'll know by April 15th (death day still huh) if my funding package will come through & if so, i will be a phd candidate for poetry & teaching actual classes for the first time ever & im . so fucking excited
#trying not to psyche myself out over it!!! its like either extreme good things or extreme bad things are happening rn#like phd acceptance??? but also the slow illness and inevitable tragic death of a family member coming to a close so like#im . yeah. one day at a time but these past few have been good & i get to see a lot of family for easter so slay :')#and i got my cousins kids CUTE vintage little baby outfits i found brand new while thrifting so little wins!!#god im going to school again thats crazy well maybe we;ll find out in april#personal#take THAT personal tag!
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The amount of talking and negotiating I'm doing with this landlord is giving Andrew Garfield as Jonathan Larson talking to the electric company. Y'know?
#im in hell. this is my personal hell#i havent been at my current job for at least six months but i was at my last one for over six months#which should meet the requirement#she said i need a job in the city i want to move to to be accepted#maam its hard to have a job in a city i cant live in yet#so i asked if i was accepted to a job that met income requirements would that count even if i havent started yet#she didnt answer. now shes asking for dates for my last job#ive rented from this company before! ive met this woman before!!#i was never late on rent. never needed any maintenance. left my apartment in good condition#that should speak for itself#maybe im crazy. maybe im the one in the wrong here#but i dont think i am! i think landlords are a little full of themselves#this apartment doesnt have a bathroom in unit. you have to walk across the hall to use your bathroom#i think that should be a bigger concern than how many months ive been at my job#im just saying maybe no bathroom in unit is a bit of a hard sell#you eant a cosigner? ill get a cosigner. ill get a job in the city before ive moved to the city. ill jump through your fucking hoops#because i have no other option#idk maybe i should become like dexter#but just for killing landlords. cuz im getting a little sick of their attitude
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I'm going to be applying for my first full time position in the coming weeks 😬
#my resume isn't READY#technically they require the degree that i don't have yet but im a semester away so maybe itll be fine??#i have all the qualifications regardless and double the experience they want#and its full time making 25 fucking dollars an hour. STARTING at 25#with benefits AND at the company i wanted to work for#i. frankly doubt they will accept me bc i don't have that degree BUT#i have really strong references and if i name drop them.....maybe my foot will be in the door idk#i need money so bad bro#i am salivating over 40k a year. what has the economy come to man#anyway i will apply regardless of whether or not i think im worthy but im scared to get my hopes up#full time....i could move out so much faster l#i would be making 3x what i make now#yes i would still be in classes but maybe if i am like ''yeah haha june 2025 graduation date ♡'' and then they hire me#i can be like ''ohhhh noooo i can only take one rn :( guess ill graduate this summer haha''#bc it would Have to be online. like i will not commute to classes while also working full time#idk man im excited and scared at the same time
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exams is almost over ommmmfg i get to write that stupid campus journalist x student athlete jinwoo thing but im gonna promise u some parts r probably gonna be in Filipino
#💬.starz#i basically#accepted readinf fics with a mix of english and Filipino#EXCEPT FOR SMUT#I'm never readinf filo smut it feels#weird#okay maybe ill get over it if i find a good one but what#how do u moan Filipino#“ah! aking sinta napakagaling mo naman mag- (moan)” LMFAOOOL#IM LOSING MY MIND
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venting dont mind me xp ✌
#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die#either by my hand or my mothers#i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering#so i either leave or i die#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return#every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others#and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples#at least one of which includes me#why cant life be easy#when is it .y turn to tbrive#in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy#everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything#maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again#but no who would see would understand#my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face#i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say#shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely#say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her#that i ddi it to hurt her#i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan#contentness and love and adoration for my family#or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick#i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead#i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it#i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms#i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance#i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin#ill just be quiet#im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time#the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me
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the more i listen to cdn the more i realize this band was not made for neurotypicals lol
#from the very beggining seriously#the first albums were literally just about their ocs 😭😭#do u think that if they were teens today they would imagine animatics of them#but moving on from pre raro being. Pre raro#the amount of songs being abt not fitting in or some shit like that kills me#the world's gonna explode when roberto gets his diagnosis#like seriously dude. u named ur song No quiero ser normal#but at the same time theres like#a ton of songs that i think arent explicitly neurodivergent#but for me as a nd person i can very easily read as such#stares at solo estoy sobreviviendo#and at todos pasan por mi rancho#ik the lyrics r very metaphorican and all but like#for me it will be forever abt how we shape ourselves to be accepted by-#-neurotypicals and still get fucked over no matter how hard we try#i have some sort of interpretation like that one for like every song#ill make a post about it someday maybe
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ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do
#purrs#i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life#situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to#drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a#stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well.#i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i#am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone#and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good.#delete later#that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd#this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be#neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority#and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol.#24 year old dependent moment <3#well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will#never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰#side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester#starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like#this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it#would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or#anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol#well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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apparently I preordered an audiobook when I had a free one from audible (yes I know but if they want to give me a poor person an audiobook I am too weak to resist, also it's how I get my stormlight archive fix every few years) and I don't know what it is and I am also afraid to check because I am a very weird coward with issues about notifications
#what could it be#i know its not stormlight archive 5 because i would be having way more an excited fit if it were#them fuckers are my number 1 comfort books to listen to and it would be cool to have a new one#sighs#last time i checked everyone was theorizing kaladin would die in 5#which i will accept with dignity but it will make me very sad because (sincere moment)#kaladin stormblessed being his depressed and traumatized and extremely ill self and both continuing anyway#but also recognizing that he couldnt continue in the same way#have helped me get through some real tough shit#also navani strangely enough who i was like okay with up until RoW#but then getting more of her experience while i was being severely emotionally abused kinda... yeah#but yeah my new audiobook isn't stormlight 5 so#maybe if i force myself to check it'll be a fun reveal#and then i can listen to a book i was apparently into enough to preorder#last new book i read was in august 🙃#and i feel such pressure to read so i can be a better writer#but i dont waaaaant toooooo because emotions can be painful and i don't want to hurt#sincere moment over#positively i have written 26kish words and i kind of have an idea of how things fit together#just gotta clme up with the overarching structure for this one#the present-past flip-flop was an accident that came from the fic starting out as a one-shot and then getting Too Fucking Long#and then i decided i liked it and had a little fun time trying to tie each part to the next with some specific imagery or theme or event#this one can't do that... or at least not in exactly the same way#i have a couple of ideas and i guess ill see what works#i like gimmicky bullshit too much and i apologize#but luckily no one has to read my fics so they can't complain that im gimmicky#on thursday i have a dreaded dentist appointment but on the plus side i have often written the best in medical waiting rooms#fingers crossed#(also on thursday i am getting a pakige with stuff that will let me set up a 2nd monitor and that is exciting)
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