#ill get over it ill try harder

[jrueships]

i genuinely cannot stand being around ppl who have to take their anger out on others . i'm so sick of always having to act like the bigger person to my Older brother while he can just tornado around my entire life & belongings & relationships without warrant all over smthing that had absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone, rlly.

[identityquest]

oc-tober day 4 complete with iorek, one of my more under-appreciated ocs... underappreciated by me, of course 😭

iorek (pronounced yore-eck) is a iotere (pronounced yo-tare-ay). iotere are a serpent-like folk that live in vast cave systems on a planet with low gravity. their bony masks are the only truly hard parts of their body, and they can squeeze through any space they can fit their heads into. their diet largely consists of shellfish that live in underground aquifers.

iorek lives with my characters romsir, areson, xalei, and eno, but beyond that i haven't developed much of his character... i know he's quiet, stoic, and serves as a paternal figure due to his advanced age. but other than that he's got nothing 😵‍💫 go grandpa! i guess 😭

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

[poisonedapples]

Super heavy vent ahead in the tags

[toxifoxx]

i need my brain rewritten bro

[bluestjayy]

Since I don't have twitter rn for mental health reasons this app has become my venting space so rip you guys

[kit-katsuki]

ohhhb venting...

[officialrapunzelfitzherbert]

anywayssss trying to get ppl to like u enough to let u move in w them over a zoom is soooo humbling its like a job interview except ur waiting to hear back to see if someone wants to let u pay rent w them. so silly

[jrueships]

guess whos not going in at all this week, actually

[alchemania]

I did it.....all 8 Stellas....

Lemme tell you I had to restart the Vishap duo boss so many times on this clear... I'd be super close to clearing with the Stella and then one of them would revive and I just:

Hu Tao was the big kicker, I was able to finally get the last Stella using her, Bennett, Fischl, and Kazuha against Coppelius, it was much easier (I think I am sadly not skilled enough yet to play Arlecchino. It doesn't help that I play on my phone, either, no doubt; and I tend to panic and when that happens, rotations suffer)

I do like this mode and it felt really good to clear it with all the challenges but my god. There were almost tears a few times I will not lie to you. :") Still, it was really nice having horizontally investing pay off, and I want to build my units better.

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

trying to write a pair of twins that are 1 girl and 1 boy and realizing it's just rin and len 2.0:

[phagodyke]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[todayisafridaynight]

I know you feel like your fics aren’t good enough but i genuinely love your works so much!!!

thank you !! i haven't posted anything in forever, so i'm happy to hear you enjoyed my stuff 🤧🤧

[clits-and-clips]

Someone just fkn kill me pls

[orcelito]

Ok I reaaaaally really really need to stop reading so much fanfic. I read another 30k ish fic this morning and it was SO GOOD but I keep squeezing my brain thru binge reading (bc I can never read things in moderation I guess) and it is leaving no room for writing brain

Vaguely tempted to go back over ITNL for edits tho. Especially the first chapter. Since I'm gonna need to reread it anyways to get back into it, it'd be nice if I could smooth some things out with it...

Hmmm