#ill assume he does
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i drew my mikurin fankid again
#vocaloid#hatsune miku#kagamine rin#mikurin#my art#art#miku x rin#rin x miku#his name is hakka :3#dont let him fool you hes smarter than both of them together#does he count as a fanloid?#ill assume he does
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The Ishigamis and The Gifts of Science
Dr. Stone is a love letter to humanity and its sciences. The main character, Senku, often acts averse to all forms of affection, and the only love he doesn't deny is his love for science. But Senku is so so full of love. He just expresses it in a way other than physical touch or words of affirmation. He gives.
But let's go back to the one who taught him so– Byakuya Ishigami, his father. The love of Senku's life.

Byakuya is introduced in the tenth chapter of the manga as a dotting father who sells his car to present Senku with scientific instruments he will need for a more efficient research. This car is Byakuya's means of transportation, and given that he is crying and shaking in this scene, it could not have been easy for him to lose it. But his love for Senku is so big, that he wants to support his son's passion even if it means sacrificing a great convenience for him.
And Senku? Senku truly fell in love with science at this moment.

If there is anything that Senku is, he is Byakuya Ishigami's son through and through. They may seem like two very different people, as Byakuya is an openly affectionate guy while Senku is more closed off with showing his true emotions. But Senku takes more from Byakuya than not, and one of them is by showing his love and/or care for others through giving the gifts of science.
And it starts with Byakuya.
[Bodysuit Acquired!]

Byakuya had failed his first attempt at being an astronaut ten years back, but he doesn't give up and tries again. Senku then creates a bodysuit that manipulates muscle movement to help Byakuya pass his swimming test. And while the bodysuit doesn't quite help Byakuya to swim, the thought Senku had put into it had motivated Byakuya more than ever to pass the test. This is one of the fundamentals of gifting– sometimes, it really is the thought behind it that matters.
This motivation is what Byakuya credits during his interview with JAXA for passing the tests. He understands that Senku might not have given him any words of encouragement, but this bodysuit was all the words that were needed between them. Senku wants Byakuya to achieve his dreams just as badly. It's the way Senku shows his love for his father.
And it's the way Senku shows his love for others too.
[Glasses Acquired!]

One of the primitive aspects of the Ishigami village is that it considers bad eyesight as a type of "disease". Fuzzy disease, to be exact.
Suika wears a melon mask at all times to help clear her eyesight, which Senku later reveals is due to the pinhole effect. She, however, has never told Senku or the others about having the fuzzy disease. Senku himself notes how odd it is for her to wear a melon around, and confronts her about it once he decides to create glass. This is one of the most beautiful scenes in Dr. Stone, as Suika finds out that her disease was never a disease, and is finally able to see as clearly as the others. Senku basically gives her perfect eyesight, something she didn't even know was possible before.
[Antibiotics Acquired!]


One of the most beloved people in this village is the priestess, Ruri. Two of Senku's new friends, Kohaku and Chrome are deeply affected by her unknown fatal disease. Senku is such a person who would help a stranger even if there is no benefit to do so (though he would never admit to it), what more a person who his new friends truly love and care about. He cures Ruri of pneumonia, giving her a chance to live a life without the worry of it being her last day every day.
[Cola Acquired!]

Senku forms an alliance with Gen, who plays the role of Tsukasa's spy, for the promise of a bottle of cola. Both Senku and Gen are aware that the cola is only a front for Gen's loyalty to Senku and the Kingdom of Science, for Gen needs his superficial reputation as a comfort and cannot simply join them if there is no personal benefit for him to do so.
This cola is also the first gift post-petrification that Senku brands himself on, probably because it represents the first gift that is not out of necessity and leans toward a comfort/luxury that they both used to enjoy in the modern world.
For a modern man such as Gen, drinking his favourite soda in the stone world might have been one of the happiest days in his life.
[Cotton Candy Acquired!]

Senku cares about people so much, even if the people in question have tried to kill him. Senku sees Homura as a soldier who is merely following the orders given by her leader, but he also sees the Homura as a lonesome girl sitting by herself on trees day and night.
As usual, Senku hides his kindness and care by showing an evil ulterior motive, such as turning Homura to their side using the cotton candy, but Ruri points out that this is a facade. Similarly to Gen, a person with such an ego is unable to seem as if he is doing something good out of the kindness of his heart.
[Stove Acquired!]

As winter approaches, the elders in the village are worried about losing people to the cold. Senku hears about this and creates a stove which has a multi-purpose of cooking and also radiating heat for the people to stave off the coldness of winter. And speaking of winter...
[Christmas Acquired!]

Senku hangs up lights in the tree for the "light bulb test" on a random night. Except the date isn't random at all and he drops enough hints for Gen to catch on that it is the night of Christmas. The significance of the day is only appreciated by Gen and himself, as they are the only modern timers in the village. It is for the sake of nostalgia, but Senku would rather be caught dead than admit that he is a sentimental guy with such irrational feelings.
And well, it all comes back to that scene with Byakuya, doesn't it? If you recall, Byakuya calls himself "Santa" while giving the scientific presents to the young Senku. This indicates Senku received them during Christmas. Which means... Christmas is a sentimental day to Senku and his father. An anniversary of Senku receiving his Christmas presents from Byakuya, which led to his deeper dive into his science obsession. The beginning of it all, one would say.
And even though he's dead and buried, Byakuya never stops giving. He gives Senku the Ishigami village to provide Senku with allies. He gives Senku Lillian's music, because he believes in the light of music and understands the importance of media to society. He collects platinum till his last breath, because he believes that Senku will need it someday. Byakuya keeps on giving to Senku, because his love for his son is so huge and unconditional. And because he promised.

Surely, there is no greater love in the manga than Byakuya's love for his son and Senku's love for his father. Byakuya could easily win ten billion best father awards... well, not like there's much competition for that in shounen mangas.
#wrote this at 7am and went back to sleep immediately#and now that im wide awake again and rereading it it isnt that bad so erm ok hit post!#anyways i just rly rly rly love senkus and byakuyas relationship ok#the times ive cried for dr stone? ALWAYS FOR THEM#byakuya collecting platinum moment and dying...#i have lots of thoughts abt senku and byakuya and senkus love for his dad#the way the manga ended... it rly shows how senku is still always thinking abt his dad first and foremost#the love of a parent and how their children will always be just a little kid to them...#lots of ellipsis in these tags lmao#theres actually even more moments of senku giving stuff to others ofc#like giving tsukasa literal LIFE and the camera to minami yada yada#but yea i think these points r enough to show that senku rly invents things for ppl to show affection#like sure he enjoys creating science shit#but he also cares abt them and it's why he does it#i would say that gift giving is his love language or whatever#but ive heard that that love language stuff is bs so idk anymore#ask gen abt mentalism lore not me#wait no even if it was bs gen would not care and would have it in his psychology book#it's senku who would get triggered methinks#anyways lets just assume it's not bs and well#theres that thing where u make another person feel appreciated not based on ur own love language but based on THEIR love language#so like for example to make senku feel loved u should give him presents#and so far i think ive noticed three ppl doing this...? byakuya yuzuriha and gen#maybe theres more but i cant think of anyone else now#well might make another post in the future on this idk. or ill just reblog this one to continue#senku ishigami#byakuya ishigami#dr stone#dcst#long post
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greatest thing about the new episode is i know he's available now
#ill be so excited when he returns (if he does.. i assume he will)#AARON PAUL DID SO GOOD#invincible#invincible spoilers#invincible season 3#invincible s3 spoilers#powerplex#not starcanwrecked
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I love Epic The Musical very dearly but I do wish just a little bit that we’d gotten to watch Telemachus’s antics in Pylos. His gay awakening(?) over Pesistratus? Athena disguised as an old man?? Nestor and Menelaus?! HELEN! He really has a bewildering time away from Ithaca lol
#epic the musical#the odyssey#Telemachus#does he have friends on Ithaca?#I mean other than the family dog and Eumaios who is old enough to be his dad?#because assuming he kind of doesn’t#it’s really funny that he finally meets somebody his own age who doesn’t want to marry his mom and kill him#and is utterly enthralled#also it is funny to me how much more well adjusted epic!telemachus is than odyssey!telemachus#the bar is LOW#but like… at least epic!Telemachus doesn’t get into screaming matches with his mom and spend like four book oscillating wildly between#‘my dad is definitely dead and everybody should give up all hope RIGHT NOW’ and#‘I’m going on a whole adventure to learn more about my dad because maybe he’s alive actually’#get a hold of yourself Telemachus!#ALSO he doesn’t tell his mom he’s leaving in the odyssey#and he *does* try to justify it but come on. that’s an act of Incredible Stupidity#the sort of thing only a painfully ill-adjusted barely-adult would do#sigh.
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the latest teaser alongside the new version of undercover have really made the concept of haruka dying hit home... devastating 😭 how am I meant to keep going with my day if i cant listen to this boy sing about his mommy issues in that anguished voice of his. its so over💔💔💔
#not art#i talk!!!#milgram#spoilers#i know i dont post anything about milgram but i had to speak my truth of needing haruka to live for the sake of more songs from him#like. muu guilty haruka guilty much but at the same time how am i expected to live if there isnt another song#just going on and on over his mommy issues what am i going to do if i don't see this codependant mentally ill murderer boy sing💔#hes hes still alive guys trust trust he xouldnt have possibly died😁😁😁#speaking to god looking up in the sky... actually i dont think haruka is going to heaven but lets assume we all share the same afterlife#harukas soul about to enter the pearly gates and i say. god sir look he may be guilty af but. hes just like me fr let his attempt fail#you see god he cant die... however will the people SURVIVE if this boy does not sing anymore#outside of that goofy perspective i actually find this to be such an interesting choice#very intrigued by how the enviroment will further shift with the deaths that have occurred#it leaves you thinking how things would have been with different verdicts#anyway god let him live how are we expected to live without OUR WATER
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Crying on the floor bc there aren't any greed/ling hanahaki disease fics
#greed is THE emotionally constipated guy like how has this not happened yet#*greed coughing up flowers* wow humans sure are weird#*ling in the back of the mind as greed coughs up his favourite flower* oh for fucks sake#ling could never be the sick one bc he actually does shit instead of pining and lying to himself about it#bc its very hard to feel unreciprocated when you want the manifestation of wanting everything#and ling can read greed like a fucking colouring book that homunculus cant hide shit from him. he knows how greed feels about him#whether it be platonic romantic or other ling would get over it and just be happy to have greed (assuming post canon)#unless its like a “i love him i know he loves me but hes too stupid to realise it and im paying the price” situation#so yeah most of the time its a case of ling knows whats up and is trying to gently nudge greed in the right direction#all while greed doesnt understand whats happening to him and is trying to play it cool#OH yknow what could be fun: putting a lil twist on it. only homunculi get it but instead of simply flowers its literally their stone#inspired by that one 03 greed scene (you know the one)#every time they lose more and more life/energy until. yknow. and its not very known about bc homunculi dont rlly exist#but some alchemists would know (eds the only important one bc what other alchemist does greed know)#(butttt could be fun that hoenheim knows and when they meet him hes like “...thats an interesting cough”)#okay my brain is falling asleep so ill leave it there#greed the avaricious#fma greed#ling yao#fma ling#hanahaki#fmab#greed x ling#greedling#< i suppose. i mostly use that tag for the guy/possession situation not the ship but eh#moss' madness
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Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool
#so do you wanna sleep with me or not my dude#i can't fucking read your cues man#you tell me multiple times you're down but then when i text you like hey i wanna fuck#you're suddenly stand-offish#as if it's suddenly uncomfortable for me to flirt back#are you just busy or am i doing something wrong???#i must be overthinking this#i mean 6 months ago when i reciprocated a willingness to fuck you backed off hard#and became weird to me for quite a while#I'm freaking out now because last night i got the same response that he gave me before our friendship got weird for a bit#i said something that was more direct and he hit me with the ''ill respond better later''#well sir last time you said that to me you started acting awkward towards me for months on end...#granted i did mention the possibility of catching feelings last time and you had said you weren't looking for that...#so yeah i assume if you say that again you might be trying to back out again based off of that...#i mean he WAS working last night so#but then again he texted me hitting on me while he was working the other night.... he works at a bar#i can't go through this again man you gotta communicate with me#.bdo#speaking of communication i should probably communicate all THIS to him🙃#i wanna wait and see if he does respond like he said he would but how long should i wait is the question...
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perfectly normal hi-skoolers who are definitely not going to blow up the gym later today
#quin sketches#invader zim#iz tag#iz#dib membrane#dib#zim#iz zim#iz dib#FASHION#gaz pierced dibs ears for him btw#it was a bonding activity#dib is like 15ish here?#i said this before but im a firm believer that everything zim wears is just Kind of a little bit the same as his uniform#he knows what he likes#assuming he changes. most likely he wouldnt but i think he can have some new clothes as a treat anyway#i should do this for gaz too#and maybe tak. and skoodge#also dib does not have freckles he has acne#wash your face boy#also sorry i havent posted art in like 10 years i kinda had artblock lol#or been active. at all really#ill come back i swear#lazers art
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Sometimes I ask myself unnecessary questions such as "if someone made a design for Subaru's sister is that an OC or a canon"
Technically she doesn't have a canon name or design we just know she married into a rival troupe and Leo theorizes that Subaru didn't take this well or something
But she is a canonical entity. Like if someone made a design for Jin's dad I'd list him under canons. So in that same vein I'd have to say an OC design for Subaru's sister is canon right???
#danie yells at rp#danie yells at tokyo debunker#of course subaru's sister isn't in any way shape or form related to the institute and likeky doesn't know anything about anomalies#she probably knows her brother is going to darkwick and assumes he's a regular student and is so proud of him#. . .or maybe she doesn't care at all. i think that'd be an interesting angle.#but as a civilian it'd be hard to rp her unless it was like. she ended up experiencing some sort of anomalous incident(s)#and maybe she couldn't have her memory cleared by matches like it'd been going on longer than a day#they did say that in rare occasions civilians with anomalous illnesses might be brought to darkwick general instead of treated at institute#hospitals. . .maybe she could be afflicted with some sort of anomalous illness and have been in darkwick general? but darkwick general was#destroyed so would they put her in mortkranken or somewhere else? maybe she witnessed the immortal inpatient event and they couldn't let her#leave after that and let her treatment continue at mortkranken. . . . .#idk why i'm thinking about all of this lol#just. theorizing about worldbuilding and so on in my own little space#some people said they thought subaru was male pc and it'd be kind of interesting if like. pc was subaru's sister lol :3c#like maybe she doesn't remember or they're just not talking about it to avoid complications or he disowned her or doesn't recognize her#or maybe he does recognize her and if she gets involved romantically with ghouls he's not sure how to feel like. he dislikes(?) her husband#but isn't she married? surely he would have heard if she got a divorce?#idk. i'm just. having thoughts. (some of them are incest thoughts but that's normal for me.)
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oh my god. this is perfect. this is so funny. fitz. fitz please bring this up to the fool. please god. I have no fucking clue what he's gonna say if he does but. please.
#IF HE BRINGS IT UP TO THE FOOL AND THE FOOL SAYS HES STRAIGHT. IM SORRY. ILL EAT A HAT#I LEGITIMATELY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WILL HAPPEN. IF HE DOES ID ASSUME HES FUCKING LYING#funniest option (that i dont think will happen) is the fool just goes “i do like men tho? i literally told you” and fitz is like “WHAT”#he tried!! he really tried. in the mountains he really tried to tell him.#estarriol mute this#rote liveblog#man i did NOT think they were actually gonna go through with this.
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The more time I spend explaining Tolkien lore to my brother the more I realize that Tolkien was just batshit insane
#yes the world is flat and a globe at the same time#and yes if you go off the edge you fall into the void with Satan 1.0 (assuming the Straight Road doesn't just railroad you)#he calls Valinor “The place under some trees where everyone smokes weed” and honestly I wish they would do that instead#bilbo and frodo bring weed to valinor quick#i tried to explain the miriel-finwe situation and he's so confused#“so they died and they were all sad even though they didn't have to stay dead?? but she couldn't come back because he remarried??”#“but then he dies and says 'yo ill stay dead instead' and she's find now??”#does the big God just keep making elf and human souls or do they just. appear#i told him about Gil-Galad Son of Plothole#he is quickly realizing that yes#the valar are a bit incompetent#its fine#elrond's dad is a star his mom is a bird and his great great grandma is an angel#my sister gave up two seconds in despite sparking this by asking me about elf lore#apparently she actually just wants to know about legolas but not legolas' father because of the hobbit movies#let me rant about feanorian politics it'll be interesting i promise#shut up about your elf backflips you wanna hear about nirnaeth arnoediad and the kinslayings#tolkien#lotr#lord of the rings#silmarillion#the silm#is this a shitpost? idk#he's batshit insane but the world is great i love it#we still don't know where hobbits come from#they appeared one day#like potatoes#i had one tidbit of legolas lore and that was#the guy showed up several years late in a homemade boat with a dwarf#incomprehensible screaming
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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I heard that Edward IV and Elizabeth Widvile were known to be very beautiful. Were there any reports on their appearance at the time?
anon 😂
But yes, contemporaries and post contemporaries in the 16th century were pretty much unanimous in praising their appearance. I'll list some of the ones I could find:
Elizabeth:
"The most beautiful woman in England" - Jean de Waurin
"Her very great beauty" - Jean de Waurin
"Her beauty of person and charm of manner" - Dominic Mancini
"None of such constant womanhood, wisdom and beauty" - Hearne's Fragment; its author was one of Edward IV's servants
"A daughter of prodigious beauty' - 1469 Continuator of Monstrelet's Chronicle
"Both faire, of a good favor, moderate of stature, well made and very wise" - Thomas More
Edward IV:
"The beauty of your personage it hath pleased Almighty God to send you" - James Strangways, Speaker of the Commons in Parliament
"The king is a handsome upstanding man" - Gabriel Tretzel, travels of Leo of Rozmital
"A handsome prince and had style" - Oliver De La Marche
"In the flower of his age, tall of stature, elegant of person" - Croyland Chronicle
"One of the handsomest knights of his kingdom" - 1469 Continuator of Monstrelet's Chronicle
"A handsome and worthy prince" - Pietro Alipranto
‘...Tall and strapping as the king’ - John Paston, Paston Letters
"He was young and more handsome than any man then alive" - Philippe de Commynes
"A man so vigorous and handsome that he might have been made for the pleasures of the flesh" - Philippe de Commynes
"The handsomest prince my eyes ever beheld" and "I don't remember ever having seen a man more handsome than he was" - Philippe de Commynes
"A very handsome prince" - Louis XI, from the Memoirs of Commynes
"He being a person of most elegant appearance, and remarkable beyond all others for the attractions of his person" - the Croyland Chronicle, referencing Edward a few months before he died
"He seized any opportunity that the occasion offered of revealing his fine stature more protractedly and more evidently to onlookers" - Dominic Mancini, writing shortly after his death
"He was a goodly personage and very princely to behold...of visage lovely, of body mighty, strong and cleanly made; howbeit in his latter days, with an over liberal diet, somewhat corpulent, but nevertheless noy uncomely" - Thomas More
Etc.
I'm tagging @edwardslovelyelizabeth because I think you got a similar ask?
I hope this answers your question, anon! I don't generally pay a lot of attention to the physical appearance of historical figures (I find it pretty irrelevant), but in this case, it ultimately does play a role in both Edward IV and Elizabeth's historiographies for better and for worse, and seems to have actually been a personal prop of Edward's kingship, so I don't mind discussing it :)
#either anon is making rounds or someone else saw the ask and asked me something similar 🤷🏻♀️#edward iv#elizabeth woodville#ask#also (I wanted to make a separate post about this but fuck it I'll just rant in the tags):#Something I find very interesting (read: fucked-up) is how we have multiple independent accounts praising Edward IV as extremely#attractive at the end of his life#Yet for some reason (aka fatphobia) most historians simply assume that he lost his looks over the years because he put on weight#even though his actual contemporaries (sans Commynes who in any case didn't even see him after 1475) certainly didn't seem to think so#as we can see: Croyland Mancini and More all noted the fact that he had put on weight AND emphasized his attractiveness#because the two are not mutually exclusive in the slightest and assuming that they are is not only incorrect it's also deeply problematic#it's similar to how so many historians assume his health was failing towards the end of his life when we KNOW - we are literally TOLD -#that his illness was both unexpected and baffling to contemporaries#(there is a contemporary reference to his supposedly deteriorating health but as Horrox says this is actually an editorial interpolation)#and the thing that's *always* referenced almost synonymously with this alleged non-existent ill-health is his weight#and the thing is - even if both of these were true they still ultimately wouldn't (and SHOULDN'T) matter. But we KNOW they weren't#and so it's incredibly indicative that historians and general histories STILL automatically assume them - and this assumption#is almost always on conjecture with his weight. (I don't think I've framed this coherently but oh well)#I'm still not over Katherine Lewis's deranged and frankly extremely ignorant epilogue in 'Kingship and Masculinity'#she literally framed her entire perspective on him around his weight with some really ridiculous (read: fatphobic) speculations/assumptions#she's even worse than Thomas Penn who is also revolting (and AJ Pollard isn't much better)#though of course they're not the only ones - almost every historian and general history does this
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hummmm i looked around a bit and i guess it just depends on how u interpret their actions…?
#cheese *blush*#i saw some ppl saying that it wasnt friendship which i agree with and that it was simply them being allies which makes the most sense in my#eyes#but i also saw ppl saying hua cheng being mean or cold towards he xuan was to just play it up for he xuans sake since he was in disguise#which is interesting? idk how i feel about it particularly cus sometimes hua cheng was just straight up mean to him LOL#i also saw someone say hua cheng doesnt care for money so he xuans debt doesnt actually matter much to him and he just wants something else#to keep he xuan tethered to the world which is#really really interesting to me and i can kinda see it? although id imagine he xuan pays his debts with information more than actual money#idk! all in all umm its still complicated LMFAO#i will say the way they both suffered probably helps whatever kind of mutual understanding they have of eachother#like theyre both not ignorant to the world and its cruelty which idk maybe its a relief to hua cheng#ive said it before and ill repeat that i do think hua cheng is probably a little relieved that the other ghost king is agreeable#for the most part and he didnt get stuck with some maniac that wants to cause problems all the time#i think its however close to friendship hua cheng is willing to go which isnt far at all but kinda impressive that he xuan has made it#to that point#it is kinda funny how quickly he takes to yushi huang over he xuan who he’s probably known for like… centuries LMFAO#but id assume its just cus shes genuinely kind towards xie lian and Minds her business#whereas he xuan accidentally dragged xie lian into his beef (Lol)#also i just wanna say i dont hold hua chengs meanie behavior against him LOL i just think it . needs to be pointed out for the sake of Well.#making a point#i like when hes a meanie! i support that!#alsp yeah i didnt say this but i always thought hua chengs coldness towards he xuan in black water was because xie lian got involved and#god i cant remember if this really happened but im sure hua cheng has told he xuan to stay away from xie lian LOL#so idk its cool seeing someone else interpret it as#hua cheng playing along and not just him being simply upset his husband ended up in a dangerous situation#but who really knows! hua chengs a little mysterious so i may never get a perfectly clear read on why he does this or that
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I wonder if they think of me
#the way i think of them#every time i can't sleep theyre the only people i want to message or call or just.. hear from#every time something awful happens lately they're some of the only people i can think of that just... thinking about them cheers me up.#whenever something good or silly or fun or important or really pleasant or weird happens.. i want to tell them first and hear their#excited or happy or sweet or dumbfounded responses#when its late and im alone... i want to listen to their snoring... or feel my head against his chest but for longer than a hug this time#ive begun to be scared that im so full of love it physically repells my partners. i want to be good for them so bad that im rancid in#some way.#i want to be there beside each of them so badly that they pull back... and when i give them space? they dont seem to reach out to me first#i feel like im.. so far down the list. maybe just because they know ill be there so they dont idk. care to check in?#they've told me before that if im doing badly they trust/assume that i would tell them#i cant even get a paying-attention response to the positive news i give sometimes... let alone. what i feel like is. my constant bad news#i want to be good. i want to be positive and hopeful and trusting and optemistic and patient#i feel like such a “maybe” or an “eventually”. i feel replacable and every way theyve tried to explain that im not its just...#them describing me as something sooo special im either too much. or that they think im too fragile or too explosive. or that they want#to meet someone else or more people who make them feel like i do. like im just a collectable trinket they can catch more of when they#dont want me specifically around but someone who does as much for them as i might. or can make them feel as loved as i honestly do love them#and they deserve that.#they deserve more than just me#they both do#i am disabled and im dramatic and im terrified of living this way and i feel so lonely whenever im in any company but theirs#because i either dont know how to interact well wifh others. or when i do get along with someone... it ends up gettin really scary for me#really quickly.#met nice friends? turns out they were mid-drug-relapse and want my help getting sober#met people i had stuff in common with in adult only spaces?? turns out they were lying about half of the details about themselves to fit in#reconnected wifh kind old friends? one of them is belligerent and mean almost daily and they others arent comfortable being near that#open up to my family about my struggles? get told i should leave#ive vented before on this blog and others that tbh most of the time my main reason for not doing really impulsive bad things to/for myself#is my fiancé. he's my best friend and my motivation and my love and my family... and now i have a seocnd partner as well and I#feel similarly and really strongly about them as well
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