#if you have any recommendations.... that would be cool

[roughribo]

I mean no ill will towards OP, but posts like this really get to me. It's full of as much misinformation, if not more, than it's trying to dispel. And people take it like it's gospel because information surrounding sex toys is so hard to find and so much misinformation is out there.

The reason why steel plugs get a bad rap is not because they're inherently flawed but because of the sheer volume of cheaply made steel plugs available. These plugs are inherently dangerous and should be avoided at all costs, but that doesn't mean that a well made steel plug with the same shape and appearance is unsafe. Buying from a reputable source is critical for getting a good steel plug.

Princess plugs are also not specifically a stainless steel plug. They are a whole market of plugs made from many materials that tends to have a decorative base evocative of feminine aesthetics, such as a sparkly crystal or Hello Kitty branding. Princess plugs are about the demographic they're selling too and not any specific material or design.

In fact, a popular online store catering specifically to princess plug wearers is the Crystal Delights company, which deals exclusively in glass products. They make their products out of annealed borosilicate glass, meaning the glass is extremely sturdy, can be heated and cooled for temperature play, are resistant to being chipped, and are shatterproof. They are very transparent about their process to the consumer and even have options for swappable tail plugs for pet players. Small disclosure, I once won a contest hosted by this website so I definitely have some bias towards their products, but overall, if your budget allows, I highly recommend them for princess plugs because if taken care of properly, they will last you a lifetime.

What prevents the plug from being fully swallowed up by the body is the flared base itself. The sphincter is a muscle that grips unless you relax it, and it will instinctively grip what you insert in it. The biological reason for this is because it protects you from unwanted insertion of foreign objects, facilitates the expulsion of body solids, and it helps you finish a bowel movement.

This is why the tapered bulb shape of butt plugs looks like that, because it allows you to insert the toy further into the anus even as the sphincter is trying to grip the material and prevent insertion. The taper of the bulb of the toy is what allows it to be insertable. This is also why if you can relax like you're having a bowel movement while inserting it, you'll generally have an easier time inserting the toy and can wear the toy for longer because you haven't stressed the sphincter muscle as much.

Typically, once the bulb of the toy is inserted the sphincter muscle is stimulated, it knows something is there and involuntarily grips the stem (the stem is the narrow part of the plug between the base and the bulb of the toy). A stainless steel plug with a flared base like the one OP pictured above is perfectly safe to use because whether the sphincter is relaxed or not, it cannot get around that flared-out part of the base naturally because of how the sphincter muscle works and grips the stem of the toy.

A good rule of thumb is that the width/diameter of the base of the plug should be around the same size width/diameter of the bulb and have very little to no taper. However this is a rule of thumb and not a hard rule for a reason. You can have a small amount of taper and still be safe. And larger plugs meant for stretching often break this rule of thumb and have a smaller base than the bulb because the base matching the width/diameter of the bulb would be extremely uncomfortable or downright dangerous when sitting between the butt cheeks, cutting the wearer or tearing the membrane of the sphincter. There is a sweet spot anal toy creators generally aim for with their bases where they are wide enough to not be accidentally swallowed up by your butt but not too wide so as to not damage your cheeks or sphincter.

What's most important is the base is around 1.3-1.5 inches wide (3-4 cm), the stem is at least 1/4-1/3 the width of the base, and there is no gradual taper from the narrowest point of the stem to the base. A taper should be small enough that you can easily grip the base for removal of the plug. The image below features two tapers, it's about the most tolerance I would ever recommend in a taper that's still safe to use. Notice how the taper is split into 2 gradations, preventing it from being one gradual taper. This is what helps make it safe. (Image from Crystal Delights)

If you're getting a metal plug, buy from a reputable seller (never amazon, alibaba, etc), make sure you buy something that is medical grade stainless steel, which is non-porous and will not introduce bacteria to your anus unless it gets scratched. If it gets scratched, then the chromium coating making it antibacterial is compromised and you should get a new one. Smell the plug when it arrives. If it is odorless and is one solid piece and not multiple steel pieces put together, it is safe to use.

Silicone is not inherently a superior material for butt plugs. Some people are allergic to silicone or find firmer or heavier materials like stainless steel or glass more comfortable, as comfort is subjective to the person. A softer material can actually wear out the sphincter muscle quicker than a firmer one because the sphincter continuously tries to re-squeeze and grip the softer material. Again your body will tell you what is more comfortable to you when you use a toy like this. Listen to your body.

When buying a silicone plug, make sure the base doesn't taper much at all, as this tends to be a surprisingly common issue with some silicone designs that are commercially available. Because of the softer material, it is easier for your sphincter to creep up the stem and base of a silicone plug. "T-shaped" bases like the one OP shows are often safer and more comfortable to use for silicone specifically for this reason. If you want a T-shaped metal plug form factor with a harder material, might I recommend the Njoy brand of stainless steel plugs?

Make sure that the silicone plug you get says "platinum cured" or "food grade silicone" in its description. Buy from sellers/manufacturers like Tantus who make phthalate free toys. You can verify this by smelling the plug in person before use. If it has an odor of any kind, that means it's not safe to use. If chemicals are leaching into the air that your nose can sense, then those same chemicals will leach into your body via your anal cavity. The inside of your butt is a direct shortcut to your bloodstream and that can make you feel unwell or even very sick, so you want to make sure no chemicals or outside bacteria are present to leach into your system.

If you use silicone-based lube, steer clear of using silicone toys in your butt. Silicone lube will degrade the surface of the silicone toy pretty much instantly, making it porous and able to host bacteria. This is important because silicone lube is commonly used for butt stuff because water based lubes often tend to be absorbed by the body through the anus relatively quickly because the body absorbs the water. Silicone lube however will not be absorbed (though it will still deteriorate and disappear slowly over time) and will last significantly longer.

If you absolutely must use a silicone toy and silicone lube, get yourself some non-lubricated latex condoms and stretch them over the silicone plug to create a barrier between the material and the lubricant. Make sure the toy is fully enveloped by the condom, squeeze all air out of the condom, and then tie off the condom to create a seal preventing any lubricant or air from getting inside.

Besides glass, steel, and silicone, another material I've seen plugs made safely out of is wood, surprisingly. Though very uncommon, wood can make for a very sturdy toy like glass or steel that is also very lightweight like silicone, making for a unique feeling toy. It can come in very unique shapes due to it being hand carved and with a proper coating, perfectly non-porous and body safe. Just good luck finding a reputable seller that isn't sold out. Sometimes it's best to order these custom from someone who specializes in wooden toys.

No matter how safe you are in the selection process, please remember accidents can happen. You can lose your balance and fall on your ass, damaging a plug while it's inserted, pushing a base inside you, tearing the membrane of the sphincter, or causing internal bruising/bleeding. In any case, seek medical attention as soon as possible. No matter what kind of toy you get, accidents can happen and can thwart your best laid plans for safe play.

Tl;dr, steel plugs are not inherently unsafe, but there are a huge amount of unsafely manufactured steel plugs that are widely available and unregulated, so care must be taken in what kind you get and from what seller.

Anal plugs 101

Anal plugs are a great way to enjoy anal pleasure and to train your body for anal sex. I'm going to stay super basic with this post and tell you two main reasons why these plugs are good vs bad. Lots of different kinds of plugs to explore, but these are basic. The plug on the left is what's called a princess plug. It has a decorative end, usually with a pretty jewel. The base it not wide enough, however. The base on an anal plug should be wider than the widest point of the plug so it does not accidentally slip inside you. You may not think it will, but if you can get that first bit in, the end can definitely go in, too. This is also a metal plug, and while metal is not inherently wrong for use as a toy, you should only use medical grade metals and that's often hard to verify. The anus has a direct route to your bloodstream, so anything you put up there can very easily be absorbed. Please be careful with materials you stick up your butt, or cover them with a condom.

The second plug is by a company called Tantus. I love their products. This plug has a wide, curved base so not only is it safer to wear, it's more comfy because it hugs your body. I have this plug in purple and it's very comfortable. It's also made with body safe silicone. I give it 10/10.

[leesromanova]

dust collected on my pinned up hair

pairing: natasha x reader

warnings: angst, hurt reader, happy/hurt/guilty nat, idk they're both hurting, marrige, cursing, self-criticism, lots of feelings. (i’m sorry)

synopsis: you go on your usual coffee run and bump into your ex, who if it wasn’t for the mutual break up, would have been the one.

a/n: i love angst lol. blame my over active imagination and taylor swift. thank you all for continuing to support and read my works <3

to put y’all in the mood i recommend listening to ↴

The line seemed endless. Bodies upon, bodies of caffeine addicts waiting to be serviced.

The energy of a busy New York coffee shop at 8am was truly a sight to see for any newbie to the city—thank god, you were accustomed to the rude grogginess of the baristas and the lines to wait for your wanted—no, needed, yet still overpriced coffee.

You hear the door open again as a small bell atop of the frame is triggered by the entering customer. The chill breeze of the city winter rips through the space, making you shiver and wrap your coat around yourself a bit tighter. Cool air creeping through the fibers of the winter coat you were sporting made you need that coffee a bit more urgently.

“Next in line!” the line moved as you pulled out your phone and took a step forward. You scroll through your notifications, looking for anything you had missed in your previous peak, before feeling a tap on your shoulder. Your first reaction is to look up with a rather hostile look in your eyes at whoever intruded your non-social, pre-caffeine headspace.

“Natasha?” your eyebrows crinkle at the sight of the woman in front of you. Her smile genuine as she looks down at you.

“Hi, stranger” she says, the raspy voice bringing back memories of a not-so-forgotten time in your past. She moves her arm around you to pull you into a side hug, you accept it—a bit stiffly and pull away, taking in her appearance.

She looked professional yet still casual and comfortable, a combination that always suited her quite well—at least the version you had gotten to know in your past. Her red locks in a neat braid that swept across her head and onto her shoulder, a few framing strands left out on the sides. Her eyes were more worn on the sides—the start of crows feet present besides her lashes.

Her eyes were the same, still the same shade of captivating green.

“How are you? How have you been?” she asks, pulling you out of your thoughts. Her voice coming out a bit rougher than how you remembered. Maybe it was caused by the cold air or, maybe it was just the other way the few years had affected her.

You look down and pocket your phone, “I’ve been okay, just y’know…holding up,” you watch as the person ahead of you steps forward, prompting the both of you to move up and fill the gap. You shift to the side, and make room for the redhead to stand beside you. The scent of her perfume lingers in the air, stirring up memories of the past.

“How about you? What have you been up to, besides finding ways to cut-in-line at random coffee shops?” she lets out a huff of air as she turns to look at you “I was leaving when saw you…so I decided I should come and say hi," she looks at you with an amused expression.

you smile and hum in acceptance, letting her continue. She takes a breath before starting, "I've been okay—for the most part. Just trying to keep up with what life throws at me." She smiles and puts her hands in her pockets. You wonder if they were just as rough as how you remembered, or if they’d grown more calloused with time.

"Are you cold?" you ask, still looking at her now-concealed hands. She turns to look at you, you meet her eyes, and she lifts a brow "I've told you before how we Russians don't get cold," she says before continuing "that’s something you should've remembered." her voice carries as the last words enter your ears and without thinking you respond.

"I remember lots of things."

You feel the energy around you both change as the words leave your lips and you cringe as you watch her body visibly stiffen. Your brutally honest word choice must’ve reminded her of the reason why it had been so long since the two of you spoke.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Sometime in the past 2 years

“Natasha… I just can’t do this anymore.” The words choke in your throat as you pace in front of her in the living room of your shared apartment. Every step you take feels like it’s pulling you further from everything you once wanted, but you can't stop yourself. You can barely breathe, the emotion inside you holding your lungs down. Your eyes move to look at Natasha, and everything inside you screams to hold on.

“I’ve always been here for you,” you continue, voice cracking. “Always. I kept waiting, hoping you’d open up to me, just like I did for you, bare an-and vulnerable.” Your voice cracks making you take a steadying breath before continuing, pointing a shaking finger toward her. “I put my heart on the line, expecting the same... but I never got it. And when you finally did open up... I was there. I loved you through the dark days, the lonely nights. I stayed, Natasha. I stayed through everything, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.” Your words spill out like a dam breaking, but the anger, the frustration, the heartbreak—none of it makes the pain go away.

You want to somehow make it work, to find the missing piece that would make her open up fully. You wanted this to work more than anything. But the hard truth is, you don’t know just how much more you can keep giving without receiving the same in return. You’ve poured so much of yourself into this relationship—your love, your patience, your vulnerability—but now it feels like you’re just…empty. Every night you lie awake, hoping that tomorrow will be the day she finally opens up to you the way you’ve been opening up to her, and every day feels like another unanswered question, an in-life purgatory you can’t escape.

Your fingernails find their way into the flesh of your palms, the sharpness grounding you, but it doesn’t help.

Her heart tears in two as she watches you like this, feeling like a failure. She feels it deep inside—your hurt, your exhaustion, the years of unspoken emotions—and she knows, with crushing certainty, that no matter how much she loves you, she can’t undo the damage. You’re the one person who has always been there, who’s loved her unconditionally, who’s been so patient, so willing to fight for the relationship. She’s failed you. It wasn’t enough. Nothing she did was enough. She loved you—God, she loved you so much—but somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to give you the one thing you needed most: her whole heart. Every single time you reached out, she recoiled, afraid that if she gave you more of herself, she’d lose herself in the process. She knew loving you would mean taking the risk of loosing herself within the beauty that was to love just as hard as you did. 

She doesn’t know how to love you the way you need.

She lifts her head, eyes red, blurry with unshed tears, and glances at your hands, fingers still digging into your skin like you're trying to hold yourself together, as the nails cut through the layers of flesh on your palms. The pieces of yourself feeling like they're falling through your fingers like water. She hurts seeing you like this, she knew you did it to feel control in moments where you felt that control slip away—she’d had been trying to help you stop it, to show you that hurting yourself wouldn't heal anything, but now, she feels just as lost. She feels herself drowning in guilt. 

She’s the one who’s made you feel like this, hasn’t she? 

A warm, trembling hand wraps around your wrist, pulling you out of the darkness of your thoughts along with herself–trying to claw her way out of her guilt. Her touch is gentle, almost too gentle, as if she’s afraid you’ll break if she holds on too tight. She guides your fingers away from your skin, but the ache in your chest only deepens. She’s trying to fix you–to help you, not acknowledging that she needed it as well. And neither of you knew how to do it.

What’s the hell is wrong with me? 

The question cuts deeper than anything she’s ever felt. 

Why can’t I just give her what she needs? 

I love her. 

I love her so much. 

Why isn’t that enough?

“I feel horrible,” she whispers, her voice thick with tears. When you meet her eyes, they’re filled with more pain than you’ve ever seen in them. It tears through you. You wanted to help her, to make her feel loved and safe, but all you've done is hurt her. You've made her feel like she's failing, like she’s not enough, and the guilt is suffocating. She wants to tell you how much she loves you, wants to apologize, to make it better, but she knows deep down that no amount of apologies can fix the damage done. 

You swallow, but your throat is tight, your chest heavier than it’s ever been. "You’re right. You always did the right things. You said the right words. You showed me you loved me, but… I couldn’t see it. I didn’t feel it the way I needed to, and I hate myself for that. I hate that I couldn't be enough for you, Natasha." Your voice breaks at the end, a sound that rips through you, as if you're breaking apart inside. Not enough for her to give you her all. “I’m so sorry. So sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough.” Making her feel like she hadn’t been giving you enough because she couldn’t give you want you wanted—craved. The sudden realization makes you heave as you reel about you both hurting each other unwillingly—how could something so good turn into something so hurtful?

The weight of your own apology hangs in the air, suffocating, because you don't know how to fix this anymore. You don’t know how to make her stop feeling like she’s a failure when all she’s ever done is try. 

Her heart shatters as you speak. She sees the pure hurt in your eyes, feels the way you’re pulling away from her. it crushes her to know she's the one that hurt you, the one that made you feel as if you weren't enough. Every word you say is a reminder that she’s failed. She’s tried so hard to be the person you need, to show you how much she loves you, but every time she’s gotten close to letting herself go the crippling fear of falling too deep holding her back. 

“I wish I could change,” she says, voice barely audible, but you hear the depth of her regret in every word. She places her hand over her heart, almost as if trying to stop the pulsating ache there. “I don’t want you to suffer with my shit anymore. I don’t want to drag you through this anymore… but I don’t know how to fix me.” She looks at you, her tears falling freely now. “I hate that I can't give you everything you need. I hate that I couldn't be the person you deserved."

You feel every ounce of her guilt like a physical blow, and it’s suffocating. You wish there was something you could say to make her feel better, but the truth is, you're not sure if you even deserve to make her feel better right now. You've failed her too, in so many ways.

Maybe I’m not enough for her. Maybe I never was. 

The thought stings, like a shock against your skin. You can’t help but feel that maybe you’ve failed, that you’re the real reason things fell apart, not Natasha. But as you look at the redhead, her guilt hanging heavy in the air, you realize there’s not just one person to blame, there’s not only one person responsible for this. You’ve both been afraid. Afraid of fully trusting, of letting the walls down completely, of letting each other in.

And now? Now, it feels like it’s too late.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” she says, her voice cracking. “You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who can love you with everything they have, without holding back... and I’m not her. I can't be that person." Her eyes search yours, desperate for some sign, some glimmer of hope, but all she finds is a reflection of her own pain.

Staring at her tear-streaked face, the realization hits you like a punch to the gut: it’s not going to happen. It’s not because you haven’t tried, and it’s not because she doesn’t love you—she does, so much, and you can see it in her eyes. But love isn’t enough. 

I can’t keep waiting for something that’s never going to come. 

I can’t keep hurting like this. 

You’re shaking now, but it’s not from anger. It’s from the unbearable truth that lingers in the space between you. The love you had, the connection you both tried so hard  to hold onto, is slipping away, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

“I think…” you can barely get the words out, but they’re there, hanging in the air like the inevitable. "I think you’re right." Your voice cracks, your heart shattering with the weight of those words. You’ve known for so long, deep down, that this was coming. The back and forth, the exhaustion, the constant battle to make her open up, to make her let you in—it was destroying both of you, and it would never change. The months of fighting—wanting her to open up, to show you the real her, nothing was working as it should be. You had been fighting against something inevitable.

You run your thumb over her knuckles, trying to find comfort in the familiar motion, but it feels hollow now. “We’ve tried, Natalia,” you whisper, your heart breaking with every syllable. “We’ve tried to make this work, but I can’t keep pretending it’s going to be okay. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want you to hurt for me anymore.”

Her tears fall harder now, as if the weight of your decision has broken something inside of her. You both sit there, silently, broken and exhausted from a love that was never enough. Neither of you knows how to fix what’s been destroyed. As she looks at you, so broken, so utterly lost, she feels like she’s watching her own heart crack in two.

You both sit in silence as the sounds of the city bleed into the apartment and circle the two of you.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

“Next!” the barista’s tired voice carries through the space of the café, and makes you both turn to reach the counter. Your cheeks warm and tinged a shade of red at your earlier admission.

“Uh, can I get an iced blond vanilla late, with an extra pump of vanilla, and sweet foam with Carmel drizzle on top?” you order and look over at the redhead who was diligently staring at the side of your face.

She wondered how you hadn’t changed. Time seemed to have left you untouched. While she felt it’s weight etched into her face and mind—you were still the same. With the same coffee order, at the same coffee shop, the same you.

“W-would you like anything?” you ask, stuttering at the gaze she held.

“I’m okay,” she turns to the barista, “That’ll be all.” she completes your order out of habit as you pull out your card to pay.

the barista asks for your name and you both utter a thanks to the young woman, who doesn’t return the pleasantry as you both walk off to the side. The silence, between you both not unwanted, but definitely heightening your anxiety at the unexpected meeting.

You were not dressed to be seeing your ex at a coffee shop.

“Would you like to sit?” you clear your throat and ask, finding a table with two chairs. She smiles and looks at her watch. “Yeah—yeah, I got enough time” she says, sitting down beside you and looking out at the busy streets of the city that never sleeps.

She loved it here, her time in other continents and cities made her realize just how at home the city lights and sirens made her feel, just how at home the people in her life made her feel.

The light of the rising sun reflects off of the glass windows of tall buildings and illuminate her face. Her nose had stayed the same, the feature being something you loved about her even if she said she hated it from time to time. She turns and catches you staring. You to look away and clear your throat as she smiles warmly. She always liked that about you, so attentive to everyone around you.

Stop staring. You mentally kicked yourself for being caught.

“Y’know…you still order your coffee as if you hate the taste of it.” she teases, her hands motioning to the receipt that outlined the specific order you gave. A smile grows as you turn to look at her and laugh softly at her face of accusation. “I swear, you get the sugariest thing on the menu.” she continues, making you laugh a little louder.

Your laugh was the same–she noticed, your smile the same, but your eyes now held a few winkles at the sides as the joy spread over your face. She smiles at you then and leans back in the uncushioned, tall stool.

You roll your eyes and remove your gloves, “hey, before you tease just know you traumatized me with your coffee order,” she looks at you questioningly, making you lean in “Nat, you order a black coffee with like two sugars and call that a coffee order.” she laughs, her cheeks tinting a wonderful shade of red as she answers “It’s a legitimate coffee order y/n, that’s why they make me pay and why I made you try it.” her voice raspy as ever as it leaves her lips. “Oh yeah, trust me I know. I can still feel it on my taste buds and recoil every time I think about it.” she looks at your now very serious expression with a raised brow, and you both break into a shared cackle.

As the laughter settles, you both look at each other. Familiarity and warmth returning to your veins, you missed her. Sure, it had been more than enough time for you to get over her, but you never truly did. Everyone told you it was time to move on, but you never did, hoping, praying, manifesting that maybe one day you could fix things and reunite with the love of your life.

You went out with people, met other singles, dated—but no one made you feel what she did.

"So, how’s work?" you ask, your fingers nervously fiddling with the paper wrapping of a straw that was left on the table by some other customer. She glances down at your hands, noticing how your nails are no longer bitten or ragged, your palms free of the crescent-shaped marks that used to linger there. She smiles softly, noticing how you'd managed to break those anxious habits.

"It’s been good," she replies, her voice warm. "We got some new teammates in—I'm sure you saw it on the news." She looks into your eyes, smiling as she sees the familiar focus in your gaze. That hadn't changed either.

You nod and smile back, leaning in as she continues. "One of them is named Wanda. She's brilliant—you'd love her. Amazing sense of humor, and the best style. I know you’ve always been into fashion."

You chuckle softly, the memory of how you used to carefully pick out your outfits coming back. "That’s nice. So, you and her are close?" you ask, your voice lighter than you feel. It's easy to fall back into the rhythm with her. Conversations with her never felt draining, never like you were just filling silence. At least, it didn’t, not before everything went wrong.

"Yeah," she says, smiling shyly, but her eyes drop to her hands. And that's when you see it. The ring.

The world seems to blur for a moment as your eyes lock onto the silver band adorning her finger. Simple, yet undeniably there. Your mind races, struggling to catch up, focusing on the details—an engraving, some flowers, maybe lilies? You remember how she always loved those.

The sound of her voice cuts through your thoughts. "Y/N?"

You snap back to reality, but it feels like your heart is still racing. You blink, meeting her gaze. The concern in her eyes is unmistakable, but it's not for you. She's moved on.

“Order for y/n!” the barista yells, and you turn, smiling tightly at Nat before getting up to retrieve your coffee.

God, how had you not seen it before? Was it always there? How long ago did she become so open? So willing to let someone in, that she’d actually gotten married?

The questions hit you like a wave, crashing over your mind with unbeatable force.

You make yourself look away, desperate to regain control of your thoughts. You tuck some hair behind your ear, trying to ground yourself, and take a long sip of your cold drink, the ice crunching between your teeth. It does nothing to ease the nausea building in your stomach.

“I—uh, I was looking at your wedding band,” you mutter, feeling the words slip out awkwardly. Your gaze drifts back to her fingers, the ring glinting in the sunlight. She follows your stare, quietly adjusting her hand, almost as if she’s waiting for this moment to land.

“Oh, um… yeah," she clears her throat, her voice sounding a little tighter than before. "Me and Wanda... we, uh... I proposed a few months ago,” she adds, looking down at the ring, tracing the engravings with her fingers. Finally, she meets your eyes, and for a brief second, it feels like everything you thought you knew about her is slipping away. This wasn’t the Natasha who used to laugh at your bad jokes, or the one who whispered your name in the quiet of your shared apartment, the one who whispered sweet nothings in your ear as you laid naked in bed after you’d had sex. No, this was a version of her you did not know.

“Oh.” The word barely leaves your mouth as you nod slowly, but it’s enough to echo in the silence between you two. It’s all you can manage, the word feeling too small, insignificant.

What else could you say?

You want to bury your face in your hands.

God, Y/N, think of something better. Say something better.

The words feel hollow, useless, as they form in your mind. The words don’t feel like your own. They feel forced, clumsy, like you’re trying to hold onto something that’s already slipping through your fingers. You hate how it feels. You hate how she feels like a stranger to you now, someone you don’t know anymore, someone who has moved on without you.

"Congratulations," you finally say, the words coming out flat, lifeless. Your smile feels too tight, too forced. You can feel it pulling at the corners of your lips as your body instinctively turns inward, the discomfort sharp and heavy.

Congratulations? Are you fucking serious?

She notices, of course—how could she not? Her eyes flicker with concern, watching as your posture shifts, your guard rising. But it’s too late. You’re already pulling away.

What the hell did I just say?

The self-criticism is almost suffocating.

Congratulations?

You want to slap your forehead, but you settle for simply glancing up at her. Her gaze is locked onto you now, intense and unwavering. It’s like she’s trying to reach you through the growing distance between you two, but you can’t shake the feeling that you’ve lost her... that you never really had her.

The sound of the coffee shop fade as your own internal dialogue takes over, mocking you.

You’re pathetic, it whispers.

You haven’t moved on.

You never really let go.

You glance around the coffee shop. There’s a woman in the corner smiling at her boyfriend—no husband, the wedding ring sparkling as she holds his cheek, a group of tourists chatting loudly about going to watch some play on Broadway, someone in the backline swiping through their phone, you can see the TikTok home screen from your place in the corner of the café.

But you can’t hear them. All you hear is the hollow beat of your own heart, pounding painfully in your chest, as if it knows that this moment is the end of something—something you still thought was possible.

It feels like you’re drowning, surrounded by noise, by life moving forward, while you’re stuck here in this tiny moment, unable to breathe.

Her eyes flicker with concern, noticing how your posture shifts, how you stiffen at the words that should have felt normal, casual. But they don’t. They can’t.

There’s nothing casual about this.

Nothing normal.

Not when your heart is bleeding under the weight of a past you can’t shake, a future you never thought you’d face.

You try to steady yourself, but you can feel the walls you’ve built around your emotions crumbling.

She’s married, Y/N. She’s married. Get over it.

But you can’t.

You feel a pang of guilt. Natasha’s gaze is warm, but there’s an ache in her eyes too—something that makes your heart hurt in a different way. She’s trying. She’s not the woman you left behind. But then again, neither are you. Neither is she.

Her hand rests, trembling, on the table now. She wants to reach out to you, but she’s scared of pushing too hard. You can see it in her eyes—she’s uncertain. She’s terrified of what you might say. Terrified of making it worse. Her fingertips brush against the edge of the table, hesitant, before pulling away. She’s probably wondering if she’s done the right thing. Wondering if she was wrong to move on, to make this decision without you, without this—whatever you two were. She watches you, her gaze softening as if she wants to comfort you, but she doesn’t know how. She doesn’t even know where to begin. She could try to reach for you, but she knows it might make things worse.

"Are you okay?" Natasha asks softly, her voice trembling slightly. She’s staring at you now, as if trying to understand what’s happening inside your head, but you don’t have an answer for her. You don’t even have an answer for yourself.

The silence stretches between you two, heavy with unspoken words, as the noise of the coffee shop crashes around you both, a stark reminder that the world keeps moving. And in it, Natasha is moving forward, and you... you’re left behind.

She regrets it. She regrets this—this distance. This moment. She wants to take it all back. To fix this. To fix you. But she can’t.

The weight of the regret hits her, and she breathes out a slow, steadying breath, her hand trembling on the table. She can feel it too, the unbearable tension between you both, the space that feels like a chasm even though you’re only inches apart.

But you—you’re the one who’s drowning, trying to keep your head above the weight of the memory and the feeling that you were never enough.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, almost too quietly to hear. “I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to feel like this.” Her voice cracks, and she looks away for a second, almost as if she can’t stand seeing you like this, can’t bear the thought of how much she’s hurt you.

But the truth is, she’s already lost you.

And she’s the one who will never be able to move on.

Her words cut deeper than she knows, because you can’t help but wonder—does she really not know? Has she been so caught up in her own life that she hasn’t seen how much this is tearing you apart? Or is it just that she’s moved on, and this is all just… a part of the past to her?

The thought makes your chest tighten. Your breath feels shallow, and you find yourself squeezing your cold drink harder, trying to steady the storm inside. You swallow, but it feels like there’s a lump lodged in your throat, blocking any response. You want to scream, to tell her everything, to make her understand how much it hurts to see her here, happy, with someone else. But the words are gone—lost in the space between your need to cry and the reality of the life she’s chosen without you.

“Why?” The word slips out before you can stop it, raw and desperate and hurt. You didn’t mean to ask it—didn’t want to ask it—but you can’t help it. You need to know.

Natasha’s heart aches at the sound of your voice, the fragility in it. For a moment, she feels as though the floor beneath her might give way. She had hoped—hoped—that you would be okay. That this wouldn’t hurt so much. But the pain is evident, like a raw wound, and it’s impossible to ignore.

Her face crumbles for a moment, and she looks away, as if she’s searching for the right words, for something that might make this hurt less. But there are no words that can make this better. No words that can undo the last few years.

she feels a lump in her throat, the wounds she'd covered, gashes shed mended, all coming undone in this moment.

“I don’t know,” Natasha whispers. “I really don’t know. I thought I could give you what you needed, but… I couldn’t. And I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be.”

Her voice cracks as she says it, and she feels herself breaking inside. She knows you’re hurting, but she’s not sure what she can do to make this right. She had tried—tried so hard—to be what you needed, but she failed. And it kills her that she couldn’t give you the love and stability you deserved. The love she thought she could offer, the love that now feels so distant and ungraspable.

Your heart aches. It’s a contradiction, isn’t it? The way she sounds so guilty, and yet you know deep down that she’s not really sorry for her life—she’s sorry for the fact that she hurt you in the process of living it.

Her words feel hollow to her, and as they leave her lips, she wonders if she’s just prolonging the pain for both of you. She swallows hard, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of her ring again. It’s such a small, insignificant gesture, but in this moment, it feels like the biggest thing in the world. It feels like a symbol of everything she’s lost. A symbol of a promise she made to someone else, a promise she can’t go back on.

She wants to reach for you again, but she knows better now. She knows that you’ve already made up your mind—that you’ve already closed the door on what could have been. The door that used to swing open so easily for her, but now only feels heavy and locked.

You look at her, your gaze raw, and for a second, you think you might say something else. You might beg her to take it all back. To come back. But you know you can’t. You know you have to let this go. You feel a deep ache in your chest as you realize that this is the end. The finality of it settles in, and you can’t hold on any longer.

Instead, you take a shaky breath and pull back from the table, your hands folding into your lap as you gather yourself. It’s almost like you’re physically trying to close yourself off, to shield the part of you that still hopes and longs for something that no longer exists.

“Maybe... maybe you were never what I needed either,” you mutter quietly, more to yourself than to her. The words taste bitter on your tongue, and you wish you could take them back as soon as they leave. But it’s true. Somewhere along the way, you lost her. And maybe, just maybe, you lost yourself in the process.

The words hit Natasha like a slap, but it’s the truth. She’s never been able to give you what you needed, and that realization settles like stone in her stomach. She opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something—something to fix it, to undo the damage—but the words die in her throat. They would only make things worse, only deepen the wound between you both.

She doesn’t speak. She can’t. She just watches you, helpless, as you turn away from her, the finality of your departure cutting into her chest like a knife.

You shake your head, unable to meet her gaze. The tears you’ve been holding back for so long feel close now, threatening to spill over. You can’t let them. You won’t. Not here, not in front of her, not when everything feels like it’s already slipping through your fingers.

“I should go,” you say, your voice quieter than you intended. It’s not a demand, it’s not even a decision—it’s just the only thing you can bring yourself to say. You push your chair back, standing up slowly, feeling like your legs might give out beneath you. You feel empty, but in a way, that emptiness is almost worse than the pain.

Her eyes follow you, and Natasha doesn’t try to stop you. She doesn’t ask you to stay. Her hands are folded in her lap, and she’s left with the sense that, somehow, she’s failed you, failed the both of you. She doesn’t think she could stand to watch you walk away again. The understanding in her eyes is quiet, gentle. She knows this is the end.

As you turn to walk away, you hear her raspy voice one last time. “Y/N… I still care about you.”

You stop for a moment, the weight of her words pressing down on you. You want to say something back—anything—but you know it wouldn’t change things. It wouldn’t fix anything.

You don’t respond. Instead, you walk. One foot in front of the other as you push open the door of the coffee shop, the cold New York air hitting your face like a slap. It’s sharp, biting, but somehow, it’s exactly what you need. You step into the busy street, the noise and the rush of people washing over you, but all you can hear is the silence of her absence. Is this it? You think. It has to be.

You keep walking, trying to put one foot in front of the other, but every step feels heavier than the last. You don’t know how you’re supposed to move forward—to move past her. You don’t know if you ever will.

After all, it’s never over.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

a/n: YAYY!! i was so excited to start writing this fic, it’s my drafts since October so i’m happy it’s finally out. i hope you all liked it! it was my first time writing angst and i’m very proud of it, if you guys have any constructive criticism pls give it politely:)

ps: i’m excited to see everyone’s reactions to it, please do share how you feel afterwards <3

[theshenanijiang]

Talking about my urban fantasy fic and I said Junior Quartet and now my wife and I are talking about a Barbershop Quartet AU. And I said: Okay, but who is OZZ? She said "Bass" so fast y'all.

Other parts: Baritone and organizing leader: LSZ Tenor: LJY Lead: JL (Prima Donna)

So now I guess I'm writing this someday.

[kindlythevoid]

As promised. Memes:

And as promised, ranting:

Okay, so, real talk, I did not actually like everything in this book, but I still fucked with it SO HARD. Like, honestly, I picked up what this was putting down (a little heavy-handedly, but done so well imho???) and the WAY IT WAS WRITTEN????

Like, I did a course on the Aeneid. And obviously it was a Roman mythos, not Greek, but DAMN, CLAIRE NORTH. I could see my translations!!! Written in the vernacular of english!!! RiGHT THERE IN THE TEXXT!!!! I GOT SO FREAKING EXCITED!!! It's just, such little things. The phrasing of a certain line. The odd usage of certain similes or metaphors that go off about people or places. The strange diversions to explain events or people right in the middle of the text before jumping straight back into the story. IT WAS SO VERGIL GUYS I SWEAR.

(i haven't had to translate the greek myths sorry guys and I read the odyssey so many years ago in english many apologies am working off what I got)

And, like, as I said, it was very heavy-handed as it backhanded the greek poets for ignoring the women but, like, she was right??? It was insane guys. It was absolutely insane. And everyone was so nuanced and had personalities and hopes and dreams and backstories and at points I was worried she was going to sacrifice the guys to further the women??? Which, like, I understand the irony, and obv couldn't super fault her for it, but she ended up balancing everyone out so well??? Like the guys were in the background instead but they were still all unique and had different priorities and shit.

Just, this whole book was such a breath of fresh air. Damn.

[officialnighttime]

I have 7 cats. Jacqueline, Smudge, Hank, Daisy, Nala, Sammy and Lil Boo Thang.

All except smudge, Jacque and Hank came from shelters. Hank was given to me after mums friend moved to a rental that didn't allow pets. Jacque and Smudge are actually half siblings and I took in their mother as a stray. Blossom passed away last year but her babies are well and happy, Obi is another of her last litter and lives with my mothers son's ex girlfriend. She's lovely and taking great care of him and sends me regular updates.

I love them all. But having seven is a bit much I have to admit. One cat is great and you don't need a second to keep it company. I just take in strays cause hey I have the room and the money for the food so why not.

I'd reccomend before you get one, take a look at the videos of 'do's and don'ts' cause they are helpful and I watched some after having my cats for a while and it was stuff I'd learned along the way that would have been good at the very beginning.

I can't remember if it's true but I believe wet food has more nutrition than dry food. I give mine some kibble in the morning and wet food as dinner.

Toys. Toys are important. it might seem like they don't play with them but they will eventually and they're only a few dollars for some balls and jingly things for them to chase. All of my seven have at some point lost interest in toys. so I'd get two lots and rotate some out every now and again so it's like they're new.

Get them used to a harness. I put each one in a harnness for 10 min a day until they were able to walk comfortably in it to get them used to it. If I need to I can get them into a harness and then into the carrier far easier. makes for smoother vet trips and such.

Mine are indoor outdoor so I don't leash walk much. But a couple of them do enjoy coming with me to the shops and chilling outside while I grab some things. Cats walk a set route and mark it as their territory so they don't walk as far as the shops and it's a good novelty for them. Also since walking them I don't worry too much about them getting spooked and lost because they know the outer area of their territory better. If your cat will be indoor, it's still a good idea to leash train and walk them so if they get out, they know where to go and it's good exercise for you both.

Training them in general is good. It's just good bonding and creates better relationships. Clicker training them is just cool. I don't have a clicker but I'm autistic and the click noise I make with my tongue works just fine (yes I figured this out cause I was stress stimming and my cats knew the flurry of clicks was not happy and I was burried under a mountain of fur and purrs. daisy even ran out and came back with Hank lol). But clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth makes a good enough noise. I use one to signal stay, two for sit, one and a twirling finger to get them to spin.

and if you work from home or use your computer a lot, it's worth investing in one of those cardboard cat laptops. They bother you cause they want to mimic you. It's a form of bonding for them. So the cardboard one they can play with themselves is a good way for them to do that without pissing you off

Ngl I am biased towards getting cats from a shelter. especially if you've never had one, cause often you can find 3 - 5 year old cats whose owners just didn't want to/couldn't care for them any longer and a kitten is not something I'd recommend starting with.

Anyways, I'm done infodumping about cat care. I hope you get a kitty you love that loves you <3

Do you like cats? Do want one/have one?

I DOOOOOOOOO like cats!

but I specifically like taking care of ONE cat.

I babysat two cats recently, it's a big NOOO for me (they weren't even bad cats, I just don't think I am meant to have two cats).

But I want one cat (I don't have one/have never had a pet. The closest I got to a pet was a goldfish I won at a church fair....that died the next day.😬)

And before somebody asks, yes between cat vs, dog, I choose cats HANDS DOWN!

Historically, dogs and I have not gotten along. This person in my neighborhood has had the same iteration of a small gray dog for 18 years now and it HAS jumped the fence, it IS aggressive, and it BARKS AT EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGG

Also generally in my neighborhood it seems people don't like to keep their dogs inside or on leashes...

I've been getting better at liking dogs (tolerating them) but my history with them has led me to love cats more.

Cats leave me alone or cuddle up when they want to.

I respect that.

🙌🏾 may the cat distribution system find me 🙌🏾

-🔒🐱

[mars-ipan]

i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much

[justthatspiffy]

.

[maoistired]

Been getting back into horror recently and wow I missed the awful low budget gore films. They have so much heart and passion put into them, even if some are bad they are still just so much fun to watch.

[gu6chan]

99% just my autism speaking here but something ive been noticing lately that im sorta kinda 😶 about is when ppl are like "I think you'll like this" but not bc they ACTUALLY think you'll like it, rather they just got into it and want you to also get into it so "I think you'll like this" is a nice personal hook. i love chill stuff as much as any other person ofc but given i don't divulge that EVER, what makes you think my berserk reading, made in abyss watching, drakengard playing ass would like YURU CAMP????

[eggmeralda]

I wish there was a way you could put like. every song in the world on shuffle

[mumblesplash]

so i’ve been watching jojo’s bizarre adventure and i think i’ve figured out the source of all their powers

[sealovinq]

i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)

[irascible-iridescent]

When ppl say that there is no stories about friendship I can't help but wonder what do they mean? There are lots and lots cartoons for kids and teens about well, friendship! Its the main point of almost all stories there. I don't like watching movies so I dunno if there are a lot of movies about friendship nowadays but I have watched old films about it. Like yeah it will always have some romance too for main characters or for the background characters bc if your story has like 10+ adult ppl most of them would look for relationship for the sake of building a family or sex. But also if you can excuse how the women are drawn you can just read/watch one piece and like NOBODY has any romance or sex there even though there are like billions of adult pirates.

[charizardstolemynickname]

Putting this here instead of in the tags because I think I can be more articulate here

By the "newer stuff" I assume you mean the NewWho as a collection and not just NewNewWho (Which will from now on be shown on disney+ for Americans I believe) (NewNewWho may not be what it's actually called, but that's what I'll call it)

For context:

Classic Who: is the fandom name for classic Doctor who, the first TV show about it, from the 60s to like the 90s I think? I am not an expert, someone can fact check me, anyway contains the doctors 1-8

New Who: is the fandom name for the continuation of Doctor Who that started in 2005 by the BBC, making Christopher Eccleston the first doctor shown (but is the 9th doctor) until 2022

New New Who: (may be) the fandom name for the 2023 doctor who, which will be shown on BBC iplayer AND Disney+ (for any Americans only)

All 3 are the same show, but just from different time periods

So, if you want to get to know the "New doctor who" I would recommend starting with New Who, (which is just called Doctor Who) starting with 9 (Christopher Eccleston). New Who is around 13 seasons

Don't worry about not understanding New Who if you haven't watched Classic Who, a lot of fans first started watching New Who first because of how easy it is to find, and so the first season explains everything you need to know to watch Doctor Who. I personally have only watched New Who (so far)

I also think New Who is much easier to watch as the episodes are timed well and the plot lines don't typically drag too much (in comparison to Classic Who) so it's a good watch

As I think you are American and live in America currently (? I do not know) I would possibly suggest some.... different than streaming services way of watching New Who (hint hint questionable sites) just because I don't think there is a way to watch it legally in America (I could be wrong)

However if you are living in the UK you can watch it on BBC iplayer very easily, it's a free service and you just have to make an account and say you own a TV licence and that's it

I hope this explains everything (I may have missed things so if there are any questions feel free to reblog asking)

Hi any people who enjoy doctor who I want to get into the new stuff where do I start from?

[elektroyu]

Trying not to fucking scream by sketching things I haven't touched in YEARS ;_; idk if it's helping but I need to do something

Amin and his usual happy face

and Sann... I think I can basically draw her like I always did and no one would notice she's supposed to be an adult now haha

[insertdisc5]

📚 A List Of Useful Websites When Making An RPG 📚

My timeloop RPG In Stars and Time is done! Which means I can clear all my ISAT gamedev related bookmarks. But I figured I would show them here, in case they can be useful to someone. These range from "useful to write a story/characters/world" to "these are SUPER rpgmaker focused and will help with the terrible math that comes with making a game".

This is what I used to make my RPG game, but it could be useful for writers, game devs of all genres, DMs, artists, what have you. YIPPEE

Writing (Names)

Behind The Name - Why don't you have this bookmarked already. Search for names and their meanings from all over the world!

Medieval Names Archive - Medieval names. Useful. For ME

City and Town Name Generator - Create "fake" names for cities, generated from datasets from any country you desire! I used those for the couple city names in ISAT. I say "fake" in quotes because some of them do end up being actual city names, especially for french generated ones. Don't forget to double check you're not 1. just taking a real city name or 2. using a word that's like, Very Bad, especially if you don't know the country you're taking inspiration from! Don't want to end up with Poopaville, USA

Writing (Words)

Onym - A website full of websites that are full of words. And by that I mean dictionaries, thesauruses, translators, glossaries, ways to mix up words, and way more. HIGHLY recommend checking this website out!!!

Moby Thesaurus - My thesaurus of choice!

Rhyme Zone - Find words that rhyme with others. Perfect for poets, lyricists, punmasters.

In Different Languages - Search for a word, have it translated in MANY different languages in one page.

ASSETS

In general, I will say: just look up what you want on itch.io. There are SO MANY assets for you to buy on itch.io. You want a font? You want a background? You want a sound effect? You want a plugin? A pixel base? An attack animation? A cool UI?!?!?! JUST GO ON ITCH.IO!!!!!!

Visual Assets (General)

Creative Market - Shop for all kinds of assets, from fonts to mockups to templates to brushes to WHATEVER YOU WANT

Velvetyne - Cool and weird fonts

Chevy Ray's Pixel Fonts - They're good fonts.

Contrast Checker - Stop making your text white when your background is lime green no one can read that shit babe!!!!!!

Visual Assets (Game Focused)

Interface In Game - Screenshots of UI (User Interfaces) from SO MANY GAMES. Shows you everything and you can just look at what every single menu in a game looks like. You can also sort them by game genre! GREAT reference!

Game UI Database - Same as above!

Sound Assets

Zapsplat, Freesound - There are many sound effect websites out there but those are the ones I saved. Royalty free!

Shapeforms - Paid packs for music and sounds and stuff.

Other

CloudConvert - Convert files into other files. MAKE THAT .AVI A .MOV

EZGifs - Make those gifs bigger. Smaller. Optimize them. Take a video and make it a gif. The Sky Is The Limit

Marketing

Press Kitty - Did not end up needing this- this will help with creating a press kit! Useful for ANY indie dev. Yes, even if you're making a tiny game, you should have a press kit. You never know!!!

presskit() - Same as above, but a different one.

Itch.io Page Image Guide and Templates - Make your project pages on itch.io look nice.

MOOMANiBE's IGF post - If you're making indie games, you might wanna try and submit your game to the Independent Game Festival at some point. Here are some tips on how, and why you should.

Game Design (General)

An insightful thread where game developers discuss hidden mechanics designed to make games feel more interesting - Title says it all. Check those comments too.

Game Design (RPGs)

Yanfly "Let's Make a Game" Comics - INCREDIBLY useful tips on how to make RPGs, going from dungeons to towns to enemy stats!!!!

Attack Patterns - A nice post on enemy attack patterns, and what attacks you should give your enemies to make them challenging (but not TOO challenging!) A very good starting point.

How To Balance An RPG - Twitter thread on how to balance player stats VS enemy stats.

Nobody Cares About It But It’s The Only Thing That Matters: Pacing And Level Design In JRPGs - a Good Post.

Game Design (Visual Novels)

Feniks Renpy Tutorials - They're good tutorials.

I played over 100 visual novels in one month and here’s my advice to devs. - General VN advice. Also highly recommend this whole blog for help on marketing your games.

I hope that was useful! If it was. Maybe. You'd like to buy me a coffee. Or maybe you could check out my comics and games. Or just my new critically acclaimed game In Stars and Time. If you want. Ok bye