#if they see triggering things etc
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even tiktok lets you zoom in 😭
So the new mobile update sucks a lot.
Please help me tell @staff that the new mobile update fucking sucks and unpleasent to use. Its pulling like instagram/tiktok-esque thing with photos, gifs and videos in terms of ui.
You cannot zoom on in on images anymore, the ui for reblogging, etc is always on and cant be turned off, the videos are cropped, you cant see videos from dash anymore and they autostart in player on mute now, you cannot use the time scroller on videos only scroll left and right on the video itself and when you croll down you get sent to random images, gifs and videos unrelated to the post from people you dont even follow.
Heres an example of an image and a video on dash vs in player
Its downright insulting and extremely unpleasent to use. Reach out however you can, we cant let this update to stay.
#i honestly dont care about being given the ability to go to the image scrolly space#but losing the ability to is a massive issue and an accessibility problem too#and of course videos being cropped & not being able to play them in-dash is an absolute PITA#side note OP what is the image you showed meant to demonstrate?#was there meant to be a comparison image?#honestly i don't mind how they display images in the media space they made i just care about being sent there instead of being able to zoom#i would be chill if going there was an option#particularly if the media you could scroll to was from the tag or something instead of random#tumblr#second tag was meant to say losing the ability to zoom#also the videos starting on mute is inexplicable the user has already probably opted in to seeing the video 😭#and the randomness of the videos you can scroll to - and thus accidentally scroll to - has potential to mess ppl up#if they see triggering things etc#its not hard to scroll accidentally#when you're used to scrolling the dash
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What would Y/N do is Orca!Eclipse was having a panic attack?
He would try to hide from your sights and deal with it on his own, panicking and struggling with the squeezing pressure in his chest that makes him wonder if his heart will simply stop and he will float belly up, dead. He can't be seen as weak. That's not attractive. That's not going to make you stay. But you would find him anyway.
You're bewildered and alarmed watching the orca siren flounder as if he were under attack, but he couldn't be. He's the apex predator of the Arctic. You finally beckon and perhaps even touch him when he thrashes beside the ice. Your gloves slide down his slick skin but you take him by the face and hold him still, speaking softly to him. You don't know what's wrong. You only know his eyes are wide and wild, darting everywhere but you.
Softly, calmly, you tell him everything is alright. He's safe. He's going to be okay. You're here. You don't want him to be scared or hurt or alone. His breaths are off-tempo and hitched like he's drowning above the sea. Your thumbs softly stroke his cheek while he slowly clings to you, his claws pressing so tight to your coat that you're afraid he's going to puncture the fabric. Instead, he slowly drags himself onto land and pulls you against his wet chest. This time, you don't fear it so much.
He curls tightly around you, clinging to you like a child. Even stranger, he's silent. He's so terribly quiet and you fear that he's gone into shock or something of that nature. You keep talking to him, telling him things about photography and other places you visit, anything to keep him grounded with your voice. You don't think you make any sense or you sound boring, but when you pause for a few seconds too long, his arms begin squeezing you. You continue, and he gradually uncoils from whatever is gripping him.
You ask if he wants to talk about it. He says no. He just wants to hold you. He begs you to stay, to not leave him. He doesn't want to be alone again.
So you stay with him in his arms until he's almost back to old himself.
#y/n would later connect the dots that he was having a panic attack#but in the moment it was just so unlike him and they didn't consider that sirens would be capable of suffer things like panic attacks#so when they see him again they're a bit more determined to ask him about it what it felt like what triggers it etc.#that way next time they're a bit more prepared#also eclipse has no idea what's going on just that he's SufferingTM and so hearing Y/N explain that it's a real thing makes him feel#a tiny bit better and less insane#panic attack#apex polarity#orca!eclipse
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look i know the violence we saw from mine in y3 was largely caused by him losing daigo but i think it's way way funnier to imagine him doing regular tojo stuff with his beloved chairman and also being just an unfathomable and kind of unstable person only moments away from doing something drastic. like one good morning from rokudaime = one reset to mine's orphan-bulldozing doomsday clock
#see we know mine just does really extreme things sometimes (buying those taxi companies in rggo for their customer info to track daigo down)#(joining the yakuza to find a boy he can befriend) (etc) even when he's not in a mournful spiral#so while it's a little ooc it's not THAT ooc for him to have this hair trigger about stuff#i think it'd just be channeled into helping the tojo and extravagant gestures for daigo. healthier outlets than orphan traumatizing#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#mine yoshitaka#yoshitaka mine#minedai#i mean. yeah#yakuza 3#yakuza#like a dragon#nyarla dni#I CANT STOP MINE BULLDOZER POSTING ITS SO FUCKINGFUNNY
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it is beyond infuriating how anne rice seems to insist on marius being a positive force in anyone's life ever. like she can't fully commit to exploring the fact he groomed armand and has repeatedly taken away his consent for what marius thinks is best (take the end of TVA as an example) and just kind of flatly puts it in the narrative. there's not really much interest in how these horrific events make marius come across as the worst because EVERYONE loves him. for gods sake, lestat learns from armand exactly what marius did to him in TVL and then proceeds to go find marius and be super friendly to him in the same fucking book. even armand and pandora, two of the people who have MORE than enough right to hate him, do not. it doesnt feel like shes trying to explore the toxicity of the abusive dynamic he traps them in, it just is there. and like yeah ofc the toxic vampire romance series but i think that this should be handled with more care. and it is not ever really framed in a way that she is interested in exploring how marius should easily be one of the most horrific characters in this series because it kind of feels like sa/rape/grooming/other things of that sort are just put there to further plot and not to really get the respect that they deserve in a medium.
#twist rambles#vc posting#grooming mention#for blocklist sorry im on my im really mad about this fucking series soapbox again#to be fucking honest she treats slavery similar. like its just THERE and the characters doing it dont really feel bad about it (much like m#rius doesnt seem to.. feel much if any remorse for arm.and) and it is just like... ok heres another bad thing with no examination. this isn#a super coherent post but i went a bit forward to see how b&g was handling the arm.and stuff and oh my god. oh im so mad. like i just... i#wish so badly that arma.nds abuse was taken seriously other than haha its sooo quirky that mari.us is in a position of power over him and#provides housing money sex comfort etc for him and is abusing him but hes sooo happy with himmmm. like he fucking sold him into sex slavery#and we are supposed to root for him#ask to tag#sorry this is just. its a very triggering part of the books but its something that i kind of keep returning to to mull over because it is#handled really badly. like i think she was trying to go for a lo.lita vibe (iirc she did actually mention nabok.ov as an inspiration) but#didnt really care enough to examine WHY that is an interesting take on the subject matter. not even to get into pan.doras stuff bc its just#really bad but at least he waited until she was an adult i suppose. like i will give anne one thing that she has characters and (poorly han#led) writing that makes you really think and analyze. which i think is where i enjoy media that is like... this kind of sucks at points but#u can tell the authors viewpoints soo transparently. and u can examine it thru this. like i think thats why i find the gr.ell run of GA int#resting too bc u can telll that man is a libertarian and doesnt respect women. and then claims to do so. its interesting to me. anyways#did u guys know she defended bill clin.ton when the monica stuff came out and victim blamed her. just a funny coincidence.#sorry for the really long tag rant but i am sooo fed up with how she treats this topic forever and ever. bc its been this way forever.#anyways back to reading had to get that out. lmk if u need me to tag this bc its a lot of tws :)
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i try to be quiet about this and just let people enjoy things but holy shit i wish people weren't so evangelical about astrology. and part of what makes it so frustrating is that it's something i want to like and have put effort into trying to like it because it's honestly really interesting to me as a concept. i'm not the most knowledgeable about it, but i know more than a layperson knows about it.
i call it evangelical because i see so many parallels between the way some people interact with astrology and evangelical christianity. the big ones are, if it doesn't make sense or work out for you it's because of a flaw within yourself, never the system (you have to read the bible in this way, with this context, with this interpretation, you have to pray to god to open your heart, did you actually read with an open heart? -> you have to look at your rising sign, you have to check if you have any stelliums, you have to have an accurate birth time, are you sure it's accurate? have you actually seen your birth certificate?), overly identifying with things as an excuse not to take accountability or grow (i'm just a sinner & i'll always be a sinner -> i'm toxic bc i'm a gemini tee hee), and a refusal to accept that they might be wrong or that it might not work out for everybody (everybody outside the church is evil and led by satan -> "that's such a capricorn thing to do!" "i lied about my sign i'm a libra" "oh my god that's such a libra thing to do with your indecisiveness!").
and obviously, they're different levels of harm and impact how widespread it is within communities, which is partially why i try to just shut up about it. but fuckin hell, some of y'all make it really difficult lmao.
#non religion#this isn't even getting into the way confirmation bias impacts both of them bc oh boy oh boy#i may delete this it's just like. legitimately triggering to see people do the same shit my church did#“if you don't feel connected to your sign you need to look at your rising sign” i don't feel connected to my rising sign at all#“but what about-” yes my birth time is correct#“but what about-” yes i've looked at my chart as a whole. it's a contradictory mess#“but what about-” yes i have 2 stelliums one of them is my rising sign the other is in a house i don't identify with either#“but what about-” yes i've looked at the houses my signs are all in#“but what about-” yes i've looked at the degrees my signs are at too#“but what about-” yes i've looked at my chart with all the apps and websites#i was going through my chart with my astrology friend and listing all the things that are incorrect/contradictory/etc#they agreed it was really inaccurate & said “a cosmic event must have happened when you were born”#like. it can't just be wrong. it can't just not work for me. there's always a justification#i really try to just let people enjoy things but fuck#some people can't handle that it's not for everyone and they make it everybody else's problem
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Okay tumblerinas, I need your attention for a few seconds.
Because of that aglet poll (see prev reblog), the Phineas and Ferb song is now stuck in my head. Which reminded me of a weird connection I made with it, and now I'm wondering if yall see it too.
The Aglet Song - does, or does it not sound like a y2k Hillsong song? The catchy, pop-y vibes? The uncessing borderline brain-washing repetition? Listen:
youtube
and now compare it with, say, Jesus Is My Superhero. Especially around the 1min mark:
youtube
Does it not sound like a children's worship song?? Slightly slowed down?? The whole mega-church vibes on the stadium too?? Do you guys see the vision??
#like i've been saying this for YEARS but now i wanna know if it's just a me thing or do yall see it too#the basic Hillsong format is soooo evident here#i swear back in the 00's every single “cool” and “new” worship song sounded exactly like this#not just Hillsong - Bethel ; Toby Mac ; Elevation etc etc#everytime i hear it i get youth conferences flashbacks lmaaoooo#phineas and ferb#hillsong#<- just in case#we do not wanna trigger anyone and my GOD does Hillsong have reasons to 💀💀💀#(op is christian btw so don't be weird 💙 okay love you)#Youtube
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RIP Krakoa 🌹 I can’t lie I’ve been kinda behind since midway through Fall of X I’m gonna catch up before my first SDCC this summer but I hear Vulcan didn’t see much action anyway. Anyway my hand slipped and I found myself looking into the eyes of my canonically psychotic son the best Summers brother who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life, (he’s done lotsa wrong things but I love him more for it)
#canonically psychotic = he canonically has psychosis. (not in the ableist way in that hes evil. which he is. lemme enjoy problematic rep)#Gabriel Summers#art by seaweed#words by seaweed#X-Men Red#the Gabriel hate during the Krakoa era pffffft. was 100% from ppl who didnt read the Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire#“he attacked Storm” hes also a genocidal dictator who tortures ppl for catharsis. drunkenly coming at Ororo is the least bad thing he did#“he's a douche” mother of all understatements. now get this man back w his boyfriend who he forced to be his best man under pain of death#Gabriel fans LOVE that Ororo beat his ass. he deserved it. it was a fake discourse made up by a certain segment of goddess!Ororo fans#I say as an Ororo fan! Shes my fav A-list x-man🥰 yes Gabe was at a mental low but Ororo didnt know that. that was Scott's responsibility.#psychotic Emperor Vulcan is what we call a problematic mentally ill villain trope. I love him SO much. (okay lets talk)#we don’t know much about his childhood but we do know he spent 2 years in a fugue state after escaping slavers when he was like ten ):#as an “adult”-ish he's uh “mentally” 15 or sumn according to the calculations claimed to him by his hallucination of his actual child self#and apart from THOSE hallucinations. he’s very paranoid to the point of killing his advisors because he becomes convinced-#that they’re plotting to kill him. they aren't. he relies on Calseye to ground him thru his paranoia. and then of course in the Krakoa era#he believes his energy constructs of Petra and Sway who drink with him till he blacks out every single day are real. he isnt consciously#creating them; but he sees them- and bc he’s a godlike mutant his subconscious makes his hallucinations visible. making everyone uncomfy#Charles tries to use telepathy to FORCIBLY reality check him. which of course triggers his trauma. and GABE is punished for it?#(oh plus our finding out Gabe got brain surgery done on him by some gods outside the universe offpanel. he never does well with tampering)#and now the writers who pushed Hickman out (also RIP Sabretooth & the Exiles. RIP Hellions) want us to be SAD Krakoa is gone?#yes Gabriel is the mentally ill villain trope. but Krakoa never cared for mutants who couldn’t fit in. who were traumatized. disabled. etc#Alex OF ALL PEOPLE should understand that. ALEX should’ve been there for Gabriel. (why wasn't he. did he hold a grudge for past torture.)#Alex also w Murder-Enjoying Disorder but it was actually treated as an illness and those in authority presented as wrong for excluding him#instead of helping him. which v flawed but Hellions was one of the best mental illness comics? like Zeb Wells was conscious of the genre#but Gabriel was just�� cast out. for panicking when his prime traumatizer Charles invaded his mind. he deserved help too#and all because his family were annoyed at him for drinking all night and throwing up and passing out on the floor? for being delusional?#And like- all of the summers brothers are nd (Scott's brain damage; Alex's dissociative episodes; Gabriel's psychosis)#I have nothing to say about Adam X ((I highly doubt he's neurotypical and/or mentally healthy)) ((nothing to say abt him tho))#and Gabes paranoia is 100% rooted in his issues of being made to feel like an outsider. like YES the obvious MUTANT identity but also#he thinks his father abandoned him to be a slave. he's not Summers enough for Scott. hes not Shi'ar enough for the Shi'ar
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i'm not sure whether i should go back to this but mutuals, even just like, followers ((anyone i have even the slightest level of familiarity with)), your requests are respected for You i'll trigger tag anything. for Anonymous i will do nothing
#sorry that's just how i work atm#talk to me as a person or don't make requests‚ i think that's reasonable‚ isn't it?#also this is a personal blog anyone can unfollow at any time‚ no bad blood ofc‚ but some things i won't tag are gore and incest#but yeah as soon as there is a concrete need i will answer to it. i don't tag common triggers for the aforementioned reason (here be horror#and the list of the common ones seems. like‚ inconclusive and it doesn't add up for me. like i need principles#moral principles. not conventions. so as soon as it's a Me talking to You thing it's fine#i'm sorry this is an incest blog i already hold the belief that catering to randos or playing to acceptability is not the way to go 😔#so it's just like. baseline is you see what i'm about and if it bothers upsets disgusts you‚ you leave.. i guess.#so even with things other than incest. graphic stuff etc. it falls in the same category for me. but other things aren't integral so i'll#tag those if anyone wants#does my train of thought make sense..#kata.txt
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Random but the therians who ID as (with?) wolves, wolfdogs, coyotes, etc but have an incredibly inaccurate idea of their behavior drive me up a wall!!!! Please learn more about these animals, they're very lovely and neat and cool and funky and not what you think
Relatedly; therians who ID as (with?) wolves, wolfdogs, coyotes, coydogs, specific dog breeds/types and have a real understanding of their behavior?? I love you and would die for you. You always also have the coolest photos and most interesting perspectives on things.
#this was triggered by a particular post but is a frequently occurring irritation#i follow the wolf wolfdog coyote coydog etc tags and sometimes see some incredibly misguided things and it makes me want to bite someone#which is not the headspace for education and none of these people asked me#a random internet stranger with no real qualifications aside from being a massive nerd about these things#for my opinion or ideas#so i just scroll on#but OWBFOWHNDOWHDNSJ HUSH PLEASE
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were all for prison abolition and transformative justice until i say "the man who abused me as a young teen is not in a place where he has access to children or women so i dont want to pursue any judicial action against him, and also i understand that while the abuse he put me through was extreme and awful, he was young, traumatized, endured abused himself, and abusing multiple substances and i dont believe he is the same person he was at the time", at which point everyone looks at me with pity and concern and tells me i dont have to make excuses for him and im allowed to hate him and etc etc. like yeah i do hate him. im capable of thinking past hatred, being reasonable about the situation, and maintaining my political ideals even when it comes to things personal to me, so that when i say "everyone deserves a chance at rehabilitation" i dont conveniently make an exception for the guy who hurt me personally.. anyway.
#97#csa tw#when i say 'he has no access to children or women'#i mean hes part of a closed-off religious community which has no access to the outside world or the internet where he groomed me originally#like hes essentially a monk. he has NO access to people he would be interested in victimizing whatsoever.#all this to say i would never fault an abuse survivor for going to the admittedly fucked up justice system for retribution or safety#but also i think there comes a point where if one professes a belief that the justice system is fundamentally broken and abusive#then yknow that belief does eventually inform whether you think that broken system should serve as your personal tool for revenge#when it comes to my situation (where the person in question is already no longer a danger to others) revenge is the only thing i would get#and i dont want revenge bc i dont believe in a justice system based on it!#my involvement is limited to periodically (every year or so) checking on the net and making sure hes not back online#it is a triggering endeavor every time to go thru his old profiles and to check on his sister and see the handful of pictures of him etc#but yknow. absent any actually ethical system of justice to address the crimes..#just monitoring that hes still locked up in some monastery is the best i can get.
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writing so much flavor text.someone help meeeeeee
#bobtalk#i have to draw too many cgs :[ also dont know what im doing for the title screen#also uhhhhh some possibly very important mechanics r still up in the air#glances at calendar. oh man#im so sleepy...#at least soon(tm) all the clickable objects will be in an acceptable state...#...but then ill have to work on ending triggers etc >_< save meeeeeee#also this writing is ass but well it would be foolish for anyone to expect otherwise from me. c'est la vie.#also a lot of this dialogue u get from interacting w/ things multiple time so u KNOW that most ppl will not see any of this. ue#argh. also need 2 figure out music. blegh.#haha. my life.
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i think it should be mandatory that everyone watch The Social Dilemma at least once every six months
#dear everyone saying that tumblr doesn't have an algorithm: yes it does oh my GOD.#i see people say this so often irt twitter and reddit migration#just because tumblr has a different feed system to facebook/inta/twitter doesn't mean the only things you see are exactly what you want#free of influence or coercion#simplest example is tumblr suggesting users and tags for u to follow. what do you think is informing its suggestions?#how does it know which blogs are similar? it's not by fucking chance#please i know we all clown on what a mess this website is and how poorly it delivers ads but let's not forget that that's a choice they mak#if tumblr wanted to deliver ads in the way other social media sites do they could. but it's part of the image they've created for themselve#hence why they feel they can offer a paid subscription to remove ads that has an off switch so u can still see their weird crazy zany ads#because they know how much we love to clown on their shit ads. they know users will screenshot and share ads if they're weird enough#and they want you to. they're not so incompetent that they can't get us classy ads lol. this is their brand. let's not forget that!#anyway this is all triggered by me sending someone (hi bunni <3) a post of misha collin's sfx make up in gotham knights that popped up as a#recommended post despite me never having watched it or searched for it etc. what triggered that post appearing was me searching/tagging spn#a couple times recently. and of course misha collins and spn are frequently cross tagged. anyway since then i have been bombarded with that#godforsaken show constantly on my dash#sorry to gotham knights enjoyers i get the appeal and i am a dc simp but it's just not for me ig#if u read all this i love u im kissing you sloppystyle and or giving u a firm and warm handshake and or a friendly nod like we're walking#past each other on a beautiful day <3#my post
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🥡
#smth that does trouble me is that i am extremely emotional and i have complained of that for a long time lol#it does make me feel ashamed and frustrated bc#when i was a child i had to suppress all my emotions bc i got punished for literally feeling anything#so i never learned how to process any emotions in a normal healthy way#and idk w most ppl in my life they get an intensely watered down version of me bc i just restrain myself#and dont let myself feel a lot or anything at all bc when i feel it's bad#but sometimes very rarely i like someone so so so much that like ...#if i let my love out that emotional instability will also be shown.... ://///#and idk. since i've never been in a space where i can *fully* with comfortability and security in that i can let it out (bc im scared and#careful and need time lolz) i need more of a learning curve#but i know im capable of such deep profound love and devotion and loyalty and faithfulness and like all of that#tbh 98% i have gotten to a point thanks to my avpd and fear of judgement im able to not let my instable emotions pour out#like actually i dont. no one knows me based on my vent blog lol 🖕 it's only when i get overstimulated (noise emotions impressions etc etc)#or have certain issues of mine triggered. that it pours out#i dont mean that to blame other ppl like i know that *i* have these issues and like they mainly affect and impact me#but yeah idk it's frustrating & idk how to navigate it bc 1st im emotionally locked bc im fearful of everything that includes deep feelings#then im too scared of rejection to even like try to say anything. then when i realize i didnt... realize everything i get too emotional bc#idk how to process emotions and like i just dont know??????#im just ashamed of it and i feel bad abt emotional outbursts but im also able to love so deeply and fully#and bc of my childish emotions and how fkn worthless i am i dream of a dad bf who is patient#and understanding and compassionate and takes me as i am and sees that im trying and am in pain#ppl judge that and me but thats just how i feel and what i want and need and im not hurting anyone else#i mean... except the one person who has never made me feel ashamed or bad for this and since i feel too much#he's the only one i've had emotional outbursts to and then i was too scared to show love to balance it out#(and this sounds bad but it's hard to explain and tbh i realize that it doesnt really concern anyone lol)#and yeah i regret it and yeah a lot of things i say is applicable on me as well and im self aware abt it and yeah idk :p
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see the longer I play with my understanding of my transmasc experience and dysphoria, the more I grapple with the conflict between mocking fragile masculinity for refusing to allow the use of 'feminine' things vs knowing more and more keenly how much dysphoria I would and do get whenever someone associates something I do or use or wear with femininity. and no amount of people insisting that using "feminine" things doesn't invalidate someone's gender, man or otherwise, seems to have any impact on that dysphoria
we do need to untangle cultural perceptions of masculine vs feminine and respect for a person's gender, manhood in particular in this discussion, but I almost feel like knowing that means it's my responsibility to refuse to engage with those ideas for my own gender — and the problem is that knowing this is not the common understanding means knowing that other people *will* associate my use of feminine things as some sort of contradiction with any masculinity I may wish to express or identify with, and no amount of understanding the concepts and holding the principles can erase the revulsion and pain and fear I feel at the thought of people associating me with some concept of womanhood that I adamantly *do not experience or identify with.* fuck.
#I don't think I can be free of the trappings of fragile masculinity#until such a time that flouting them *won't* directly result in my transmasc identity & experience being disrespected#and especially as I cannot medically transition the way I want to#my expression and presentation is the *only* way to give people any impression of masculinity about me#and so choosing to incorporate things consider unmasculine into those just. fucks me up I guess#all this brought about bc I've decided I want some sort of bag to carry a notebook +pencils etc around in#but I am not willing to carry a purse. and so the thought occurred to me to look up masculine messenger bags or something#immediately triggering a mocking thought about fragile masculinity#followed by. all of this.#this sucks. I hate it here.#can we fix masculinity so I don't have to be afraid of people misgendering me more for carrying a purse or something#tbh making it alt has allowed me to feel comfortable with stuff like makeup & jewelry bc alt fashion is often tied to gender nonconformity#but for the life of me I can't figure out how to make a purse definitively alt. so I want to look up stupid masculine bags#the thing is I don't *want* a huge backpack! a mid-sized purse type would suit the practical need!#I just will throw up if people see me carrying a purse and form any sort of association with nonmasculinity because of it!! fuck!!!#x: axel talks#I'm sorry y'all I just keep having more and more feelings about this and I have no fucking clue where else to go with it#well I guess I have my queer support group this week actually that might be the perfect place for it#I just. need to excise it sooner than that. I will burst if I have to suppress it much longer
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the answer to the question of why I am this way is very often anxiety
#I know it’s not my personality etc. etc. but truly never been able to so clearly see how much anxiety I have#until this year!#my very matter of fact counselor: your base line level of anxiety is very high#me: surprised pikachu face#anyway it’s kind of helpful to just see how it has exacerbated so many things over the years that I used to just think …. Was me#and like. It IS. But it’s also a bent/slant/wiring to my make-up that is separate from me#so it just makes sense. like yes I am sensitive and I hate when people say mean things about things I love#but the panic I feel when people don’t agree or word something harshly???? that has manifested physically in me for my entire freaking life#that’s not because of how deep my attachment to it is or some weird psychological reason bound up in the wording of the hurtful phrase#or in the thing I loved itself#Like I used to think it was#It’s just …. anxiety#i don’t have to intellectualize all of it. some things are just triggers and it sets things in motion#it’s hard to know what the triggers are and it’s also funny to reflect on what can be#because I am a very specific fiercely attached funny little bean with a very definite history that has shaped me#but just trying to plumb the depths of every situation that has ever hurt me to try to find some deep truth about why I’m hurt#And what reality I’ve touched on that is causing me pain#It just isn’t what’s happening. It’s pretty simple#I honestly had this breakthrough once about Taylor and why taylor criticism made me anxious#Like I just always externalized all of it in that i would be like it hurts me because of the way taylor is or something#but there was this one moment where it was like it’s upsetting you because of you#But then I put it away and went back to analyzing the world and her externally lol#Anyway it’s going to be a journey! But it does feel pretty big that I’ve been able to reach it here#Also it’s so weird because it’s like shouldn’t I have known earlier? Shouldn’t other people have known earlier? And many DID#but also. I don’t always display it well#I make eye contact! I smile! I speak confidently!!!#And actually a lot of people are like ‘she’s fine she can handle this’ and it’s like I can’t I will DIE#I was talking to Maria the other day about this and she pointed it out to me.#I don’t look vulnerable and I don’t look like you can hurt my feelings by being like ‘I don’t really care for Kylo Ren’#But you CAN and yes that’s the deep love but it’s also the anxiety! I think it’ll just be learning to balance those things in me. Not erase
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my PA for ajovy got denied (booo) but the reason it did was bc a neurologist needed to prescribe it which i already had an apt set up for and gad yesterday (yay!) and the appointment went really well and i like the provider a LOT of migraine management (YAY!!!) so now i am once again waiting for an ajovy PA to be approved lmao
#nervous abt needles but jax offered to help plus ajovy has auto injectors so we are going for it#but i really liked the provider she was good and very easy to talk to and stuff!! and am excited to work w her and try things#also got a referral to their sleep clinic bc my sleep is still Bad and also sleep is a big trigger for me#so im hopeful to see what i can figure out/learn from that#this is the year of blue getting health shit figured out lmak gonna get my tonsils removed etc etc lets Go#she also said i could be a candidate for botox if that seemed interesting but i like how like. open ended she was w things#like she gave me a lot of good info but also everything was my call#she also was good when looking at my mri and explained why she isnt concerned abt ms based on mri and symptoms#and in a way where i actually agree lol like. esp bc i get so anxious i can just latch on to something#but she took the time to answer my questions and explain and show what theyd see if it was ms vs my brain lesions from migraines#and Yeah! i was super stressed and like gad cleared my whole afternoon in case it was a bad time#but it wasnt! im v happy w my new neurologist!#wild to have TWO whole doctors on my care team who i like and trust???? as a fat person??? wow#(trust is w a grain of salt lol i dint entirely trust any doctor But)
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