#if that's normal i could do this shit part time and have a life!
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the forgotten girl (1)
posted this originally on my old account. will be posting twice weekly :)
Emily Scott, sister of legendary lionesses Jill Scott, has died at the age of 21. Wife Amelia Scott-Higgins in intensive care.
Police have confirmed that Emily Scott was murdered in her family home over the weekend, her wife, Matilda’s star Amelia Scott-Higgins is in intensive care after sustaining life threatening injuries.
Waking up in a hospital bed, wrapped in bandages and in heaps of pain was not exactly how I expected my day to go but here we are. I don’t remember much. I remember going home after training, I stopped to get dinner, chicken carbonara and garlic bread from our favourite Italian restaurant and then flowers from the corner stand that Emily was obsessed with. I was already late so who cares if I was a little extra late.
I remember the front gate being open, which is never normally the case, I remember the front door being unlocked but closed, again not normal but sometimes Em is in a rush when she gets home. As I took my shoes and coat off and wandered down the hallway, I didn’t notice the guy standing behind the door, or the guy on the couch, or Emily in the back room tied to a chair. I didn’t notice any of it. The only thing I noticed before it went black was the two wine glasses, one tipped over and smashed, the other full.
Chelsea FC superstar, Amelia Scott-Higgins has QUIT mid season.
CLICK TO READ MORE….
Where is football superstar Amelia Scott-Higgins?
Moving to Barcelona was the best thing I could’ve done. No one knows me,no one knows what happened or who Emily was. I am invisible. As soon as I could, I quit, left England, deleted all my social media and changed my number.
The rehab was incredibly hard. That’s to be expected considering I have multiple stab wounds to my stomach, my leg cut up, bruises covering every part of my body. I was still me though. Maybe not on the surface but deep down I was. I missed Emily everyday, I missed our life together, I miss the little things.
My apartment was empty. Nothing on the walls, plain furniture, it looked more like a show house than something someone would actually lived in. It didn’t bother me, it made my brain have to work less. All I did was rehab, surf and doom scroll. I came across the Manuelas instagram page, a gay bar in Barcelona. From what I’ve heard it’s incredibly popular but I’ve never been. They had a shirt available, “lesbian services”, after inquiring they allowed for me to pick it up.
I was meeting someone called Olga, slightly worried as I had no idea who she was, I let it play out.
“Hola! Are you Amelia?”
“Hola, yes I am.”
“Perfect! I’m Olga! Let me take you inside and you can get whatever you want. They said you’ve paid so you can get anything.”
Stickers, hats, shirts, they had it all. I grabbed one of everything and then had a chat with Olga.
“You’re not around here are you? Your Catalan and Spanish is good but the accent is a bit weird.”
“Oh nah. I’m Australian. Lived in London for a few years but I’m here now.”
“Oh wow! How long have you lived here?”
“3 years now. It’s beautiful. I don’t get out much but I’m trying to get out more.”
“What do you do for work? If you don’t mind me asking?”
“Uh um, I used to play -“
“Amelia? Is that you?” Keira Walsh and Lucy Bronze. Right in front of me. I haven’t seen them for 3 years, purposely ignoring all of them and essentially falling off the face of the earth.
“Amelia! What are you doing here? Give me a hug!”
“Hey guys. Long time so see.” This is not what I wanted. More and more people started surrounding us.
“Holy shit. That’s Amelia Scott-Higgins! She’s been MIA for so long. I miss watching her” the short one with dimples tried to whisper, it didn’t work.
“Dude she used to be so good. What happened?” Her taller companion asked next.
“That’s enough you two. She has ears and can hear you idiots.” Alexia Putellas. 2 time Ballon d’or and 2 time pain in my ass. “Hola Amelia. How are you?”
“Fine thanks Alexia. And you?”
“How do you all know each other? I am very confused here.” Olga spoke up.
“Mil used to play for-“ Alexia started to say
“We are old friends!” This is why I don’t leave my house.
“I need to go. I have things to do. Olga thank you so much for all this. If I owe any money let me know. Alexia, girls, it was nice to see you. Good luck this season.” Turning as quickly as I could to escape.
“Milly, wait.”
“Kei, don’t. I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
“Please can I have your number or something? It’s been 3 years and you disappeared.”
“Give me your phone and I’ll put it in. I’m not good at replying. Bye Kei.”
3 years since I stepped foot in England, 3 years since I buried my wife. 3 years since I’d spoken to my friends. 4 years since Emily died. 4 years since I played football, 4 years since I felt normal.
#alexia x reader#fcb femení#mapi león#woso imagine#woso fanfics#woso x reader#woso community#ingrid engen#keira walsh x reader#keira walsh#keira walsh x lucy bronze#jenni hermoso#claudia#claudia pina#fc barcelona femeni#barca femeni#woso soccer#alexia putellas x reader#alexia putellas imagine#alexia putellas fanfic#alexia putellas angst#woso angst
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You're it for me
Summary: Wanda is sick of being pregnant and her powers took over when she saw you sleep peacefully beside her
pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader
Warning: Pregnancy, Cursing, boobs are mentioned (oh no!!), and Pregnancy fetishism (I guess) is mentioned but not played out!
Note: I promise I won't only write pregnant fic or popstar!reader, if you guys have any ideas DM me, I think I have that open. Also another fanfic so quickly???
(Might be some grammar and punctuation errors) (Kind of long)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like clockwork, Wanda woke up at two in the morning. She sighed in frustration as she felt the twins kicking her.
You and Wanda always talked about starting a family together. She even found a way to make the baby's blood related to you both.
Wanda said she would carry the babies. Ever since the whole fighting Thanos, Wanda wanted to lay low and live a normal life with you (her wife) on your guy’s farm.
Wanda rubbed her eight-month-pregnant belly, hopefully, it would lure Billy and Tommy back to sleep. Wanda couldn’t wait to be a mother but she wanted these nine months to be over. She was tired of always having to go to the bathroom, of something hurting, and not getting a full night's sleep.
Wanda glared at you who was passed out snoring lightly. How dare you rub it in her face that you could sleep without interruptions. You rolled onto your side, your back facing her.
If you both decide to have more kids, Wanda decided that you're carrying them.
Once the babies had calmed down, Wanda placed her hand on your stomach. With Wanda’s swollen belly, it’s been hard to have you close to her. This is how Wanda has been cuddling you since her bump got big. She hates it!!!!
Wanda sighed in frustration when she felt the twins kicking her again. Wanda tried to lean close to your ear “You’re carrying them” Wanda stated for next time. Wanda stayed there waiting for the babies to tire themselves out.
Next Day
Beep Beep Beep Beep You hit snooze on your alarm, in your opinion, the worst part about working on a farm is having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn because you have a shit ton of things to do.
You throw your legs over the bed about to get up, but you stop. You sit there frozen too scared to move. Did something… No, no, that’s crazy.
You were about to get up but that’s when you felt it again, something flutter inside you.
You pulled your quilt off and you gasped at what your eyes laid on. Your stomach was swollen, and your pajama shirt which was originally a little big on you is now bunched up under your boobs.
You rubbed your eyes hoping you were hallucinating but nope, it was still there.
Your shaky finger poked the stomach, and at first, nothing happened. Then you poked it again, and the bump was rocking side to side causing you to jump a little.
Your heart was running, no matter how hard you tried to come up with how it happened it wasn’t logical.
You felt whatever was inside of you hit your ribs hard, almost as if it punched you.
“Ow” You whispered not wanting to wake up Wanda.
You lightly slap the bump which causes it to punch you in the ribs again.
“Bitch!” You yelled glaring at your stomach
“Love, what’s wrong?” Wanda asked
In a panic, you threw the blanket over your shoulder making sure to cover your stomach. You didn’t want Wanda to stress because you love her and it could hurt the babies.
Grabbing the short bed frame to help you up, you felt like someone gorilla glued five sixteen-pound bowling balls to your stomach. “Fuck, it’s heavy” You mumbled placing your free hand under your stomach for support.
You slowly turned around “Nothing baby, go back to sl-”
Your eyes widen, Wanda isn’t pregnant anymore. Like her bump just vanished.
You felt ashamed of how long it took you to figure it out.
You let the blanket slip onto the ground, exposing Wanda to your state.
Wanda’s mouth dropped, she looked down at her flat stomach and then back at you.
Wanda slowly made her way over to you, she was trying to pretend she wasn’t freaking out.
Wanda poked your stomach nothing happened, then she poked again and the twins kicked you hard.
“Fuck” you hissed bending over in pain, Wanda apologized.
“How did this happen?” Wanda asked her eyes staying on the bump, you shrugged “I don’t know! You’re the one with the red wiggly woos!” You whispered yelled.
Realization hit Wanda, she looked down at her hands before giving you a nervous smile. Your shoulder dropped “What did you do?!” You panicked, Wanda couldn’t meet your eyes “Last night Billy and Tommy woke me up, seeing you sleeping peacefully made me mad. So I placed my hand on your stomach while I cuddled you and I said your…carrying…them” Wanda's voice grew quiet your eyes widened and your mouth dropped too stunned to speak “I totally meant for next time!” Wanda explained pointing her finger at you.
You started to hyperventilate. You’re not prepared to give birth, you barely even read the parenting books Wanda bought for you. Your body hasn’t been preparing for the two human beings you're going to be pushing out. What if something happens and you have to go into surgery or you die?!
Also, how are you going to explain to people how you are suddenly eight months pregnant? You always do the socializing part of business so Wanda doesn’t have to!
“Love, Love” Wanda called rubbing your back “You need to calm down” Wanda explained in a hushed tone. You knew she was right but how could you be calm in this moment?
“Wanda, Alan is coming over around lunch to pick up some apples for the farmers market” You stated, Wanda squeezed your arms “Let’s get you back to bed, and I’ll look at the book” Wanda assured. You nodded, Wanda grabbed your hand to ease you back into bed, and she placed a mountain of pillows to support your back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wanda sat in the kitchen at the dining table flipping through the Darkhold, she didn’t even know what she was looking for.
Deep down Wanda was happy to have a break from being pregnant, she knows that you are right of course but still. There’s a part of her hoping you change your mind to stay that way.
“Ah, shit!” a voice from outside yelled, Wanda look out the window where she found you waddling towards the chicken coop with a basket in your hand. Wanda closed the book “What is she…” Wanda trailed off walking towards the back door.
Wanda walked towards you crossing her arms over her chest “Um, (Y/N)” Your wife called, you let out a soft hmmm while throwing chicken feed onto the ground “What are you doing?” Wanda wondered her voice stern, you kept throwing the chickens their food “What does it look like?” you sassed still focusing on your task. Wanda finally reached you, she pulled the empty basket out of your hands and placed it on the ground “Not resting like you should be” Wanda stated. You faced your wife sighing in frustration, “Wanda I have things to do, I can’t lay in bed” you reminded, Wanda stood behind you placing a hand on your hip and her other hand grabbing your hand “I’ll do the chores, I don’t want you on your feet until I figure out how to undo this” Wanda told guiding her wife back inside the house.
Wanda eased you back into bed “There we go, love” Wanda smiled pulling the blankets up to your chest. You groaned pushing the blanket under your bump “It’s so itchy” you whined scratching your belly, Wanda grabbed the lotion from her bedside table.
Wanda’s eyes landed on you. Seeing you carrying her children made her smile. It also turned her on, but she knew that was the last thing on your mind.
“Baby?” Your voice brought Wanda back. “Sorry, Love.” Wanda blushed, squirting the lotion onto your bump. Billy and Tommy started to move around “Do they ever stop?” You groaned throwing your head against your pillow, Wanda chuckled as she rubbed the lotion into your skin. Wanda loved that she got to take care of you for a change, she could get used to this. Maybe she could brainwash everyone into thinking that you were the one pregnant all along.
“That feels so good thank you, baby” you moaned, your breathing hitched, You were making it harder for Wanda to not go down on you. Wanda could only smile, “I got chores, do you need anything?” Wanda interlocked your hand with hers you shook your head, Wanda gave you a quick peck on the lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pain shot down your back causing you to wake up “Motherfucker” You hissed placing your hand on your back. You opened your eyes seeing that it wasn’t a dream and that you’re still very pregnant. Wanda is a fucking boss for dealing with this shit for eight months.
You stood up hoping a quick walk around the house could relieve the back pain.
After you waddle around the house, you head toward the kitchen where you see Wanda at the dining table flipping through the Darkhold.
Wanda looked exhausted, she had paint smeared on her cheek. She sighed in frustration, she kept drifting to sleep. From growing your babies to doing a shit ton of chores along with researching on how to reverse the pregnancy. You sighed guilt had a grip on your heart, you looked down at your bump placing a hand on it before looking up at Wanda. Your mind was made up.
You entered the kitchen “Hi, Love” You smiled, Wanda rubbed sleep out of her eyes “Hi, love” Wanda gave a sleepy smile. You sat in the chair next to Wanda whose attention went back to the Darkhold, both of you sat in silence. You twist your wedding ring to soothe your anxiety trying to find the nerve to tell Wanda, hopefully she would understand.
You grabbed Wanda’s hand gaining her attention “What’s wrong?” Wanda wondered her voice laced with concern, you gathered your courage “I don’t want you to reverse this anymore” You admitted pointing to the baby bump Wanda knit her eyebrows “What?” Wanda asked, you took a deep breath “You’ve been crushing it at carrying these two. Seeing you in pain hurts me and I wish I could’ve done something to help you. So let me carry them, you deserve a break” You admitted, you knew your little speech was corny but it was the truth, Wanda’s eyes glossed looking relieved “I love you! You are IT for me! We are never getting divorced” Wanda admitted squeezing your hand, you gave a light laugh “I thought that was a no-brainer” You smiled, and Wanda kissed you passionately.
Honk Honk
You pulled away “Alan’s here” You smiled brushing your nose against your wife’s, Wanda groaned before leaving to meet Alan outside.
#wanda maximoff#wanda mcu#wanda marvel#wanda maximoff x female reader#wanda maximoff x reader#x pregnant reader#wlw#wanda maximoff imagine#mcu imagine#mcu fanfiction#wanda maximoff fanfiction#wanda maximoff fluff#marvel imagine#marvel fanfiction
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Secret Kindness
Summary: Joel Miller x Fe!Reader -> It's no secret Joel Miller could be an asshole, but it was a secret that that wasn't all he could be.
Disclaimer: I haven't finished my re-watch but I wanted to write something for him. Kinda friends to lovers, oblivious idiots in love, descriptions of scars, bruises, cleaning wounds, kinda a 'who did this to you?' trope. Swearing, light spoilers for Field of Dreams? Fluff. Not Proof Read.
It was no secret that Joel Miller could be an asshole.
From the unspoken stories from his brother, to his treatment of people in general; untrusting, strong dislike, to simply his responses when talking to people. Mostly it was in grunts or short sentences.
Except, for some reason nobody else could see that Joel wasn’t just an asshole. He could be kind, funny, and deeply caring. That was something you had known from the minute you’d seen him.
Having arrived in Jackson a month or so after the winter, you had heard stories about Tommy Miller’s brother Joel. Most people called him an ass – never truly giving a reason why. But when he walked back into town with who you presumed to be his daughter with him, you saw there and then a side to Joel Miller that nobody cared to mention.
How he constantly looked around for the girl, watched her every move in fear she might get hurt. How his hand came to her shoulders, leading her away from looking at the group of people staring at them and towards the bar where Tommy had just walked out from.
And over the following weeks, you saw small parts of Joel that you felt nobody else had even cared to see. He helped Tommy where he could, and helped others where they’d let him. A couple of times you’d see Ellie – having met her briefly one afternoon when she was sat with Tommy as he tried to fix a toaster – struggling with her homework, only to turn to the one man who a lot of people were afraid of in town. With a calm nod, he’d walk over and help her.
Then you finally met him.
Usually, you were on patrol in the afternoons, taking over after Joel’s detail. Except, with one of theirs getting sick, you offered to cover. The other’s didn’t want to pair off with Joel because of their preconceived notions of him, or were more than eager to do so, which made Joel slightly uncomfortable.
So, when you called out to be paired with him, he agreed. Though, neither of you missed the looks two of the women in the team gave you as you walked past them and followed Joel.
That was the day you became friends with Joel.
“You know, if it makes you that uncomfortable, I can make a swap with one of them. Just because the world went to shit doesn’t mean someone should feel like it.”
Joel thanked you and, although he never gave an actual answer to your offer, part of him was pleased to see you in detail regularly.
Over the following weeks, you got to know more about him. About Ellie. About Tommy. About his life before Jackson. And he got to know yours.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.” Joel suddenly said to you one day.
You’d both been walking the grounds around the town and found yourselves looking over and in behind the wooden posts. People were mostly going about their day, working or playing.
“Right thing about what?”
“With Ellie. She’s just a kid and she’s already seen so much. She deserves a normal life.”
“She has a normal life, Joel. As normal as it can get these days. And that’s because you gave it to her.”
“Did I, though? Y/n, she hadn’t even seen a car before we hit the road.”
With a small sigh, you walked a little further up and met Joel where he stood. “If you’re that worried about her, show her something. Teach her something. A life skill that isn’t about survival.”
“Like what?”
You shrugged and looked back over the town. There has to be something.
“Do you know how to play the guitar?” You asked after a moment, turning back to him.
He nodded. “Use to.”
“Well, I’ve got a guitar in my house. Found it when I was rummaging through the attic. Teach her how to play the guitar.”
You walked away and a little further through the trees, Joel quickly followed after you. “I don’t know any songs.”
“I’ve got a guitar. There’s gotta be song books somewhere in that attic. We can look when we get back into town.”
“And if there isn’t?”
“Then…make one up? It’ll be like riding a bike. Trust me.”
“Trust me.” Joel repeated. “Trust me, she says. Have you ever even played the guitar?”
You let out a small laugh. “Once. I wasn’t very good though.”
A few hours later, yourself and Joel were standing inside your house at the bottom of your attic ladders.
“After you.”
You stood so far away from the steps, Joel already had a feeling he knew what would be awaiting him.
“There a reason I’m going first?” He asked, already halfway up the ladders.
“No…”
He looked down at where you were standing; holding the ladder steady. “Okay, maybe. I found the guitar and then a massive spider. It ran away quickly. I couldn’t find it so that room is now his.”
Joel’s boots hit the floor of the attic and after a few minutes you heard a stomp before he called down to you. “Spider’s dead. You’re safe.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Walking up the ladders, you peaked your head over the edge of the floor before taking a look around. The coast was clear. And for the next twenty minutes, you and Joel rummaged through a couple of different boxes until you both found what you were looking for, including some extra things.
“Watch your step.” Joel stood behind you a little as you climbed down the last couple of steps, the heat of his hand warming your hip before he stepped around you and pushed the ladder back up into the door, closing the hatch.
Carrying the case of books down, you followed Joel with the box of clothes that you’d deemed salvageable.
“Thanks, for your help.”
“Don’t mention it. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Joel nodded. “Tomorrow.”
Just before you closed the door, you called out for him. “Joel?”
He turned around.
“You’re a good dad. And Ellie’s a good kid. You’re doing a good job.”
He didn’t know what to say, feeling grateful if a little awkward and unsure of himself. Looking at you from the path to your home, he wanted to walk back and…hug you? He wasn’t too sure. So, with a low nod, he gave you a brief smile before he thanked you once more and headed back home.
As the next day came into view, Joel was rushing around the kitchen since he’d missed his alarm leaving Ellie to pound her fist on his bedroom door.
“Done your homework?”
“We don’t have homework this week.” Ellie told him as she took another stab at her eggs. “Were you meant to see Y/n this morning?”
Joel shook his head, pulling the hot toast from his toaster before reaching for the butter knife. “Don’t think so. Why?”
“Because she’s at the door.”
A knock came less than a second later and Ellie watched as Joel became something more than just flustered. “Uhhh.”
“Want me to get it?”
“Go ahead.” He reached into the cupboard above his head and pulled out a jar of peanut butter.
As Ellie answered the door and let you inside, letting you follow her through the house towards the kitchen, Ellie didn’t miss how neater the kitchen looked since she left.
And she didn’t miss how Joel’s hair had gone from sticking out in most places and his shirt being buttoned wrong, to being neat and tidy.
“Y/n’s here.”
“Hey,” Joel practically breathed out. “Were we meant to meet-”
You shook your head. “No, don’t worry. I just…” You held out the pile of clothes in your hands. “I found some more clothes last night after you left. And considering they won’t fit me, I figured you might want them. I’ve dropped some into town already but I saved these in case you needed some.”
“He does.”
“Ellie.”
“What?”
Joel looked back at you. “Thank you. That’s, uhh, that’s nice. Thanks.”
With a little awkward nod, you placed them on the kitchen table where Ellie took one from the pile and held it up. It didn’t seem like it would fit Joel.
“There’s some there for you, too,” you told her.
“Thanks.”
A moment of silence settled over the kitchen before Joel’s mind was kicked back into reality. “Right, you’re gonna be late. Have you got your-”
“Lunch, books, jacket.” Ellie sounded off.
It seemed like the list was a ritual.
“I’ve got it all now let’s go.”
You followed Joel and Ellie out of their house and through the town, Joel walking Ellie to school before he made his way further down the road and towards the stables.
It was your day to clean out their stables and since Joel was on construction, he’d offered to be the one to help fix a couple of the stable doors.
And all day, talking or working in silence, you both missed the looks and stares from the rest of the town paterons.
To them they’d seen Joel go from an asshole who spoke in grunts and rough gestures to witnessing a foreign side to him that apparently you only got to see.
When you were around him, people saw him actually smile. A few even heard him laugh. Of course, when people mentioned it to Tommy, he was a little shocked they hadn’t seen it sooner. It had shocked him to his core when he saw his brother seem a little like his older self when he was with Ellie – laughing, smiling, joking. Even if it contained a few more swear words. So when he saw Joel practically skip into work (he didn’t. But he definitely had a pep in his step) Tommy made sure to keep an eye on what had caused the change.
The only thing that had changed in his life outside of Ellie was you.
You’d come into his life and the side of him that was only visible to his family was very, very slowly becoming visible to the outside world.
Then the rumors started.
And they circulated for months.
“Heard any good new ones?” Tommy asked, leaning over the bar top, pretending to be interested in Ellie’s homework.
“Overheard one of the teachers. They said they’ve met before but because she was running a herbal shop when we were on the road. Apparently she slipped something into his tea that made sure he only ever liked her if they met again.”
Tommy choked back a laugh. “Well, shit.”
“Still doesn’t beat him being a warlock and being cursed to spend his entire life with her.” Ellie said.
“Do you know who started that one?”
Ellie shook her head, pretending to be interested in her homework, too. You and Joel were on the other side of the bar, setting up a couple of hanging features before Maria could get to the ladders again. Despite her being seven months pregnant, she was determined to ignore her midwife.
“Not yet. But when I do they better run. I like Y/n.”
“I do, too. And it really should be the other way ‘round. She’s cursed to spend her life with him. I used to live with him. I’ve seen him in the morning.”
“We’ve all seen him in the morning.”
“S’Not my fault I’m not a morning person.” Tommy practically stood to attention as Joel made his way over. “You two giving me shit?”
“No,” Ellie said far too innocently.
Joel hummed. “I’m sure. Tommy, you seen the 2x4 I left here?”
Looking under the bar, he held it up. “This?”
Joel took it from his hand. “Thanks.”
“Hey, Maria and I were thinking about having a family dinner this week? What’d you think?”
Joel nodded after taking in Ellie’s reaction. “Sure. When?”
“Tomorrow? About 7?”
Joel nodded. “We’ll be there.”
“Hey.”
Joel turned back to his brother. “Want to invite Y/n?”
Joel looked from his brother, to you where you were measuring out the centre of the wall on the ladder, and then back to his brother. “I can ask.”
Tommy smiled and Joel went on his way. “How long do’ya think it’ll take?”
“At this rate? An eternity.”
The next evening rolled around and you found yourself being dragged towards Tommy and Maria’s home by Maria.
“My shift ran late but I didn’t want to come empty handed.” You explained to Tommy and Joel as you were practically launched inside by the former’s wife.
“All is forgiven.” Tommy told you as he showed his wife what was in the tupperware you’d brought with you. “Right?”
“Yes, all is forgiven. Now let’s eat.”
Sitting down at the dinner table, Joel held out his arm and let you walk inside before him, where he held your chair out for you before tucking you under and sitting beside you and Ellie sitting on his other side.
However, halfway through dinner, your body jerked til you sat straight. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Just twisted myself.”
All in all, it was a nice family dinner. A couple stories were shared, some updates given and then you found yourself being walked home by Joel since Ellie had given a small salute to you both before reaching your path, saying she had to rush home to do…something.
“Have fun, kids.”
“Take the main road!”
“Whatever you say!”
Joel gave a small groan. “She’s gonna give me a heart attack one of these days.”
You smiled. “She’ll be safe, Joel.”
Walking you to your door, Joel saw your body react to something that didn’t seem to be there.
“Are you sure you’re okay? That’s the forth-”
You let out a laugh. “I promise, Joel. I’m okay. Just twisted myself on patrol today.”
He didn’t seem to believe you. “I swear. I’ll be okay.”
With a sigh, Joel accepted your promise. “Okay.”
Then you did something that even shocked you. You leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, for walking me home. And for inviting me. It was a fun night.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
“We should do it more often.”
Joel smiled. “Just might.”
Then a familiar silence settled over both you and Joel. The kind of silence that was begging for something more. But then, taking in a breath, you stepped back.
“Thank you, again. Goodnight, Joel.”
“G'night, Y/n.”
As you shut and locked the door, Joel found himself smiling as he walked away, his gaze drifting back to your home every now and again as he made his way back down the path and through the town to his own home where Ellie was waiting for him in the living room.
“So, did you kiss her?”
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” The look Joel gave Ellie made her feel like she was under a spot-light. It was past ten pm.
“Answer the question?”
“Ellie.”
Standing dramatically, Ellie sighed. “Come on. I know you like her. And she likes you. Why not just kiss her already? Give the rest of us a break from the looking, and the staring and the smiling and the looking.”
Taking his daughter by her shoulders, he steered her towards the stairs and up them. “Teeth and bed. Now, please.”
“Ugh, fine. But you know I’m right.”
“Goodnight, Ellie.”
Eventually, after hearing the tap turn off and Ellie’s bedroom door shut, Joel shut his own and lay down in bed, his last thoughts being on you and what Ellie had said.
I know you like her. And she likes you.
A few days passed, however, before he saw you again. Which worried him more than he wanted to admit. But when he finally did, he knew the minute he saw you something was wrong.
Ellie had knocked on your front door early in the afternoon having snuck out of school. She’d invited you to watch a movie or two with her and Joel that evening.
“We found a whole bunch at the back of one of the closets. Please say yes.”
You smiled. You’d been dying to see both of them for days but the pain that had started as your side had practically spread across your entire body overnight.
“Okay. So long as it’s okay with Joel.”
“He said it’s okay.”
Joel didn’t know anything about it until Ellie got home from school and told him what would be happening. But he wouldn’t have said no anyway.
Ellie had practically flung the door off its hinges when she saw you walking up the steps of their porch.
“Someone’s excited.”
“Come on, come on, come on.”
Ellie pulled you inside and shut the door. “Joel! She’s here.”
“Is the door still attached? No Ellie sized hole in it?”
“He’s been grumpy all week.”
“I heard that!”
Then he appeared around the corner and your heart did the same thing it had been doing for weeks whenever you did see him. But that only caused you more pain in your chest.
“Ellie, go and bring the box down. We need to see which ones need to be rewound.”
Ellie looked between the pair of you before disappearing up the stairs.
“Hey, sorry I didn’t-”
“Show me.”
“What?” You took a small step back as Joel was about to take one forward.
“Y/n. Show me.”
Carefully walking over to you, you shook your head. “I’m fine, Joel.”
He was a little less abrupt this time. “Show me?”
His fingers traced the hem of your t-shirt and with a reluctant but painful sigh, you carefully removed your jacket with his help.
“Can I?”
With a soft nod, Joel took his eyes from yours and lifted the corner of your t-shirt only to be met with deep purple bruises with spots of black, green and yellow.
“It’s not as bad as it looks. It’s starting to heal.”
Joel didn’t seem amused. “Y/n-” Then he noticed the others. “You’ve been cut. Jesus. Fuck. Come with me.”
Taking your hand in his, he pulled you towards the kitchen. “Sit down.”
“Joel, I’m fine.”
“Sit down.”
“If I sit down, it hurts more.”
Another silence washed over you both before he turned back to his freezer and pulled out a couple of ice packs. “Here…can I?”
You gave him your permission once more and he lifted your t-shirt and placed the ice packs against your sides. You could feel his thumb rubbing light lines across your side as he held you steady.
“Got 'em’ I think a couple- holy shit.”
Ellie got a clear view of the deep bruises across you. “Ellie, can you run and get the first aid kit from the bathroom?”
“Yea, are you okay?”
You nodded. “I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“Ellie.” Joel pushed. She nodded quickly then ran upstairs in search of the kit.
“That’s what you told me.” Joel mumbled under his breath.
“It didn’t look this bad.”
“When did it happen?”
There was no point in lying to him anymore. “Patrol before the dinner.”
“Who did it?”
“I slipped and fell against one of the trees.”
Flicking his eyes from your wounds and back to your face, one of his hands ran around the rim of your top until it was lifted high enough for him to get a clear picture, he shook his head. “Trees don’t tend to have rifles as branches.”
“It was mine.”
Joel pointed at one of the longer bruises. “This one…is yours.”
He pointed at the other one. “Whose was this?”
He looked you in your eyes but you shook your head. “Joel…”
“Got it.” Ellie landed at the bottom of the stairs.
“Thanks, kiddo.”
Pulling a chair out, Joel sat beside you. “Sure you don’t want to sit?”
You shook your head. “Not yet.”
“Okay. Ellie, go and see if you can rewind some of those tapes.”
She just nodded slowly. “Okay.”
Joel waited until she left the room before asking you to remove your shirt. It took you a minute but with his help you finally got it over your head. Under any other context, Joel’s eyes trailing your body would have been for another reason outside of his brain counting each cut and scrape you’d gotten and each bruise that was trying its best to heal.
“This might sting.”
You nodded and bit your lip as the cold disinfectant hit your wounds. Some of them you didn’t even know existed considering you could only turn your body so far to look in the mirror before it screamed for you to remain still.
“Was it your partner?”
You swallowed thickly. “No.”
Your back was to him for the moment, so that made it easier to tell him the truth. “One of the others. They were hearing noises. His partner had left him and he got lost. Must have heard me and just…jumped. He didn’t mean to. He’s just a kid, Joel. He got scared. Did what most of us would have done.”
“You could have been shot.”
“But I wasn’t. I’m okay, Joel.”
He shook his head. “Says the woman covered in bruises and scars.”
“They’ll heal. I’ll heal.”
“What’s his partner’s name?”
“Joel.”
“Just tell me. If you don’t, I’ll ask around and Maria can be the one to deal with him.”
You sighed. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
“What his partner did was stupid.”
“Joel.”
He grunted. “I promise.”
Swearing halfway through as Joel pressed another cotton swab of disinfectant to a scar, you told him his name. Joel had a couple of run ins with him over the last couple of months. A jock twenty years out of college, still trying to haze the kids under his authority.
Ten minutes or so later, Joel had finished and replaced the ice packs you’d been holding at your side.
Laying them on either side of your body as you turned around, your t-shirt falling back around your body. He slowly stood and you held onto his arms, your eyes closing.
“Any better?”
You nodded. “Much. Thank you.”
You both stood there for a few moments, your eyes closed, feeling the throbbing in your sides settle more than it had done in the last couple of days. And as you let out a calm breath, Joel leaned against you a little and pressed a kiss to your forehead before you rested it against his chest.
“I think I’m ready to sit now.”
“Okay,” Joel whispered before pressing another kiss to the top of your head before walking with you into the living room, finding a set up already made by Ellie.
“I thought the blankets might help.”
You smiled at her. “Thank you, Ellie.”
She smiled from her spot on the floor by the TV, her finger still holding the rewind button down. Joel helped you sit down.
“So, what are the options?”
Ellie read out a couple of the boxes. There were a lot of Disney films, a couple of thrillers and a few more different blockbusters. So, sticking his hand into the box without looking, Joel pulled one out.
Ellie read the cover. “Field of Dreams.”
“Ooh, that’s a good one.”
Ellie looked at Joel for confirmation and he nodded. “Stick it in, kid.”
Sitting beside you, you leaned against Joel for support and very soon after, Ellie joined his other side.
“Does he dream about a field?”
“Just watch it and you’ll find out.”
Around 40 minutes into the movie, Joel felt a steady weight against his arm where he turned and found Ellie fast asleep. So carefully reaching over, he pulled a blanket over her and held her steady against him.
“She asleep?”
“Yep. Yet to get through a movie with her awake.”
You smiled.
“You get much sleep recently?”
“Enough to keep me going.” Joel didn’t say anything but when he placed his arm around your shoulders, that said everything.
“This always made me cry.” You whispered to Joel as Archie stepped across the line and became his older self.
“How many times have you seen this film?” He’d caught you a couple of times mouthing the lines along with the characters.
You felt your cheeks heat. “A couple. Before I came to Wyoming, one of my neighbours had a VCR and two films. This and The Parent Trap. Since I’d look after her two kids when she worked, it didn’t take long for me to learn the scripts.”
“So how much do you know of The Parent Trap?”
You felt yourself chuckle. “We can watch it and find out.”
Joel laughed quietly, too, before carefully pulling you closer. “How’s your side?”
You looked up at him. “Better. Thank you.”
“Good.”
Joel pressed a kiss to your head before getting settled with both you and Ellie. And just as Kevin Costner started to play a game of catch, you felt yourself drift off to sleep.
You didn’t know how long had passed since the movie ended but when your body hit a soft surface, you stirred awake.
“Shush, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.”
“Joel.”
“It’s okay. I’m gonna check on Ellie.”
Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to your head but you mustered enough energy to reach out for him. “Come back.”
“I promise.” Lifting your hand, he pressed a light kiss to your knuckles. You woke up again when a weight dipped on the other side of the bed. Then you heard a familiar groan as his body settled into the softness of the mattress.
You shuffled closer to Joel.
Waking for the third time, the room was being lit with the soft rays of the sun and beside you, deep breaths were being taken by Joel as he remained in a deep sleep.
If this was anyone else, you probably would have left. Hell, you wouldn’t have fallen asleep in the first place. But you trusted Joel. More so than most. You also found him to be steadier than most. He’d shared some of what had happened on the road with him and Ellie, as well as what happened before. Life hadn’t been steady with him, and yet, there he lay. Stable. Able. Strong. Maybe not as he was twenty years ago, but still. Trustworthy. And beneath it all…kind. Caring. Sensitive; even if he wouldn’t admit it. He knew when people were hurt, or hurting. And maybe for others he’d seem gruff. But not with you. Not with Ellie. Not with those he loved and cared deeply for.
With his hand wrapped over yours, you lifted it and pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. Maybe Joel Miller could be an asshole. But to you he was a decently kind man.
Maybe others wouldn’t see that considering between the hour that Joel had left to pick a package up from Tommy, leaving you and Ellie to find another tape to play, your attacker’s partner found his nose broken and had been given a black eye. But you didn’t mind his kindness being kept a secret from the rest of the world.
Those he cared for knew the truth.
You knew the truth.
And nothing could ever change that.
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller#tlou#the last of us#pedro pascal#pedro pascal joel miller#joel miller x fe!reader#fluff#angst#falling in love#who did this to you trope#cleaning wounds#oblivious idiots
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Happy 1st Birthday Lilian!! 🥳
Part 4 -
Authors note: Let me know if y’all are enjoying the slow burn with this story or have any suggestions! Would love some more input from y’all ❤️❤️❤️
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~~~~~ Drew’s POV ~~~~~
I know I told her I didn’t want anything more than to just be friends, but how could I not want more. The connection we had the night at the wedding was something I’ve never experienced before. She is something I’ve never experienced before. I thought I could handle being around her and keeping our deal, and I think I could’ve if Austin never showed this much interest in her. The way he talked about her when she was walking into the pool with my niece; “look at the ass on that girl, holy shit, and those boobs, jaaackpooot” he grinned putting up both his fist waiting for Chase and I to bump his, to which I just gave him a stern stare while Chase nonchalantly bumped his fist, trying to send a text.
“You know girls aren’t just a piece of ass, right?” I stared at him
“Well yeah, but it makes it so much better when they have one, ya know why I’m talking about Drew” he winks at me
“That’s my sisters friend, don’t do anything stupid” I plead
“I won’t do anything she isn’t about” Austin tapped my shoulder before getting up and joining Mack and Maddie in the pool.
I couldn’t help the pit that was forming in my stomach or the rage and adrenaline I was feeling in my entire body. I watched as she smiled up at him, but not the same way she smiles at me. She kept trying to keep her distance with him no matter what he tried, and for that, I was grateful.
Austin snatching her up before anybody could say anything to be his partner for beer pong, now that hurt. Beer pong was how we met at the wedding. She stepped up to be my partner since my buddy Paul had stepped away and she ended up being the best partner I’ve ever had in beer pong, plus, she was nice to look at too.
She had done changed out of her bridesmaid dress and into a short light yellow dress and had ditched her heels. Her curled dark brown hair was falling around her shoulders, and for some weird reason, all I could think of was the Disney princess, Belle. When I found out her name was Maddie and put it together that she was my sister’s roommate in college, I couldn’t help but me intrigued. I had heard so many stories and felt like I knew her personally but this was the first time we have been in the same area at the same time.
We won every round of beer pong we did. We laughed and flirted with each other like it was the most normal thing we’ve ever done. When we finally got done playing, we went upstairs to where the balcony was. I had untucked and unbuttoned my shirt to where it was just hanging, leaving the undershirt revealed. I sat down, leaned against the paneling,before pulling her down to sit in between my legs and lean back against my chest. Opening the bottle of champagne we snatched on the way up. That was the most comfortable I had ever been. We sat there for hours just talking about everything, what we wanted out of life, where we wanted to be in 10 years, family, kids, kid name ideas, dream vacations, just anything that come up while we just sat there playing with each others hands and passing the bottle back and fourth with the other. At one point she turned sideways and put her legs over mine while one of her hand planted itself on the wood behind us causing her to face me.
“You really are not what I expected” she admitted
“I’m gonna need you to elaborate on that, love” I teased smiling
“Just that, I have seen pictures of you, but just didn’t really expect you to be this hot in person, plus the fact that you’re insanely amazing at conversation.” She admits, her face turning a light shade of red when she makes eye contact with me
“I could say the same thing about you” I smile before leaning in closer to her, looking back and forth from her eyes to her lips. I reached up and placed my hand on the side of her neck, my thumb against her jaw just as our lips met.
“You are so beautiful” I whisper to her, feeling her smile against my lips, as she pulls her legs back to her before turning completely and straddling me, reconnecting our lips immediately.
The kiss was so deep, tender, gentle, rough, everything you could ever want in a kiss. What felt like would never end got cut short the moment I started kissing down her neck. She tapped my chest making me pull back and look up at her.
“We shouldn’t be doing this, your Mack’s brother” she says starting to stand up
“Maddie..” I say grabbing her hand
“No, let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, okay? For Mack?” She begs and I just nod slightly, watching as she takes a deep breath before running back downstairs.
Now I’ve had to watch Austin’s hand on the small of her back, lifting her up, her almost naked body against his, his hand so close to her ass and his face so close to her chest, then for him to have the audacity to place his hand on her leg right next to me.
I couldn’t do it, I can’t watch this, I can’t let her get away this time. I just need to make sure she still feels something on her end towards me before I do anything else. Which is why my feet quickly sped upstairs to her once Mack came back outside, telling everyone I had to run to the bathroom.
But, yet again, she ran away. But she also didn’t deny still feeling anything. Just gonna take some time to break through that wall, and I’m willing to do whatever I got to do.
~~~~~ Maddie’s POV ~~~~~
I walk into the downstairs bathroom, closing and locking the door quietly. Fanning my eyes, trying to keep myself from crying, but I fail quickly at that, feeling a tear fall from both eyes. I place my hands on the counter and look at myself in the mirror.
“I got this, it’s just a week of being around him, I can make that, I’m here for Liliana and Mack, that’s it” I whisper to myself before looking down at the floor shaking my head. I wipe the few tears away, open the door, and head back outside when I see Drew coming down the stairs.
“Maddie” he says
“Drew” I say opening the back door slightly
“Wait” he says just as I open the door completely and walk out “or not” I hear him mumble before walking out behind me, keeping the door cracked just incase Liliana wakes up.
Everyone else was back in the pool so I went to the edge and just sat down putting my feet in the water. A few minutes later, Drew walks over with two bottles of beer, offering one to me.
“Truce?” He asks as I look up at him
“…truce” I say grabbing the bottle as he goes to sit down next to me.
“I’m sorry” he whispers as we watch the rest of the groups playing beer pong
“It’s okay, I get it, that night was great, neither one of us can deny that, but me and you in any way, just can’t happen” I whisper to him
“Can I ask why?” He asks looking over at me with curious eyes
“Me and Mack made a promise, both of us have brothers, we knew at some point we’d meet them, and we promised that family, especially brothers were off limits cause we never wanted to jeopardize our friendship in any way” I explain quietly as he nods biting his lip, looking down at her hands right next to each other.
“I get that.. but is that real—“ He starts but I cut him off when I see Austin swimming over to us grabbing my legs, rubbing his thumb against them
“Hey gorgeous” he smiles up at me as I smile down at him slightly, “want to come be my partner again?” He asks me
“Nah, I’m good right here, I’ve done dried off” I say
“Oh okay, well if you change your mind, I’ll be waiting for you” he winked before getting called back over for his turn.
“Is that really gonna be a thing?” Drew asks looking over at me
“I don’t know… he’s sweet.. we’ll see” I confess
“Please don’t jump into something with him” he pleads
“I’ll be okay” I smile over at him
“I know, but still..” he says locking eyes with me as we just stare at each other.
“Why aren’t you looking away?” He asks me smirking
“Oh shut up” I say smiling, pushing him away making him laugh
“You can’t do that” he says in a warning tone
“Do what?” I ask furrowing my eyebrows
“Look at me like that” he states
“Like what?” I curiously ask
“Like you want me to just lean over and kiss you like we did their wedding night, like we’re the only two people that are here” he quietly explains keeping his eyes locked with mine
“Are you ever gonna give that up?” I tease him knocking my shoulder into his
“Not a chance sweetheart” he winks at me making me shake my head.
“You’re a headache” I laugh
“Just a man trying to be your headache, my bad” he throws his arms up laughing making me roll my eyes playfully
I catch Mack and Garrett in the corner of my eye looking over at us before whispering something to each other. I clear my throat and jerk the huge smile off my face looking over at the group of boys playing beer pong.
Me and Mack lock eyes and she has her arms crossed, an eyebrow raised, with a slight smirk on her face. I raise my eyebrows at her in curiosity and she just shakes her head, still smirking before looking away from me.
Great…
Chase and Austin end up leaving not too long after they got done with playing beer pong. Of course, Austin couldn’t leave without planting a kiss on my cheek. Which made me feel more weird than anything.
“Mack, can I stay here, I’m too drunk to drive home” Logan says a lot louder then needed as he wrapped his around around me planting his chin on the top of my head
“Yeah, that’s fine, Drew you staying here too?” Mack’s asked
“Yeah, might as well” he says
“Okay, y’all can take the other guest bedroom till mom gets here if you want or one can stay on the couch and the other in the bed, y’all choose.” Mack tells them, “you know where everything is, me and Garrett are going to bed” she said giving all of us a hug, “do you need anything before I go to bed?” She asks me when we she pulls away
“Oh no, I’m good, thank you though” I smile at her as she gives me a look that I can’t decipher before walking upstairs.
“Mads, can I just sleep with you, I want cuddles” Logan begs
“Why don’t you go cuddle with your brother” I tease
“That’s weird” he said making me and Drew laugh
“Here, let’s get you to bed” Drew says taking Logan’s arms off me before walking him to the guest room. I go to the fridge and grab a bottle of water before heading for the stairs.
“Hey, goodnight” Drew says at the door. I turn to face him, giving him a smile
“Goodnight Starkey” I say before going up the stairs and into my room.
I decide to go ahead and get a quick shower, wash off all of the stress from today. When I get out, I throw on a big shirt and crawl into bed. Leaning over to turn the lamp off is when I notice a note sitting on the nightstand. I grab it off the table to read it,
Maddie,
I know you say that we can’t happen and all I know as of right now is because of Mack. But, at any point you’re ready to give it a shot, I’ll be waiting, cause I’m not giving up on you. There’s nothing in me that will allow me to. Just give in to what we both know you’re feeling.
Text me - ###-###-####,
Drew
I can’t help but smile but also know deep down I can’t give in completely. Not yet. But I do decide to go ahead and add his number to my contacts, deciding to go ahead and text him so he has my number too, just incase something ever happens and he needs it.
“Goodnight again Starkey” I text him and roll over to get comfortable.
“Goodnight beautiful, glad to finally have your number” he texts me back.
I shake my head, deciding to leave it at that for right now, closing my eyes and letting the alcohol take over and hopefully giving me a good nights rest.
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Tag list: @percysley @dilfs-4life
#drew starkey#drew starkey imagine#drew x reader#obx#outer banks#rafe cameron#rafe imagine#rafe obx#rafe x you#outerbanks rafe#obx x reader#rafe outer banks#rafe fanfiction#rafe x reader#rafe fic#obx imagine#obx season 4#obx4#obx fanfiction#obx cast#obx fic
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Imagine if Emma was conceived or even born while ciphertology was in its height (this would paint some... interesting implications about her parentage.) I like Hana Hyperfixates' time-line and if we just sale for the sake of making math easier that Emma, fidds and the twins are all the same age, she'd be born in 1951 and be 1 year old when the cult started. The could very plausibly be a little bit younger or older than That though
Or if she was very a young girl while her parents and relatives joined, and she'd have extremely vague memories about it all. Maybe they'd never talk about it after the cult is disbanded, and she just thinks it was a reoccurring childhood nightmare until she finds out about Bill post-weirdmageddon.
If she was born right after if was all over, I could imagine her name (emma-may) being an homage to Emmaline Butternubbins, and that would paint her family as happy that all that madness is over
Maybe it's just the southernness. But I love how Madeline, emmaline and emma-may all sound so much like each other,
I love all the moving parts this information offers us. How would the dixons cope with the disbanding of the cult? Maybe just Madeline (I'm imagining her as either an older sister or an aunt on the younger side) joined while Emma's parents watched in terror.
Or maybe they all joined and still believe in Bill and worship him even after the cult disbanded, and Emma was raised "ciphertologist". Given Emma seems to be a very reasonable and no-nonsense girl, I can totally imagine her growing to dislike it as she got older. As a fiddauthor shipper I think fiddleford has a type for smart people, so Emma is probably inquisitive and rational and wouldn't want to live her whole life like that. Maybe marrying fiddleford and moving to Palo alto was a desperate gamble on her end to get away from her family as quickly as possible, hold onto some semblance of normality and leave that life of cults and secrets. This would really shed a new light in their divorce, because a marriage like this really would have started on a shaky base (bonus points if you're working with the Fidds is Gay school of thought as well.)
Maybe the dixons were like the weirdos around town, the family that came to Tennessee from kansas under mysterious circumstances. The family rumored to secretly worship the devil in this mostly Christian community (fidds seems to be Christian to some degree after all). Maybe fiddleford was like the only kid that wasn't afraid of befriending Emma, given he's probably an outcast too for his love of science and all that. Maybe through fiddleford's kindness and friendship, Emma decided that science and logic and all these things her family belittled, they can't be all bad if fiddleford loves them so much. And emma would scare fidds' bullies by threatening to do weird devil magic shit to them. Maybe they made plans as little kids to run away together, to a place where he could build robots and computers without being bullied and she wouldn't have anyone lying or keeping secrets from her.
If Emma stayed in Tennessee while fidds went to BMU, it must have been a pretty scary phase of her life. Without her best only friend slash maybe boyfriend she'd probably feel very alone. And her family could be starting to get an inkling of the idea that she plans on marrying fidds and bailing as soon as he graduated. Maybe those never even planned on getting married but had to so Emma's next of kin would be fiddleford and not her parents.
But if emma actually pursued any form of specialization, i have this silly headcanon that, given Bill dismantled all forms of Healthcare in billvile, I love the notion of Emma becoming a nurse or even a doctor.
👁🗨Ciphertology & The Dixons👁🗨
Sooooo…Emma May’s family was involved in a cult, right? Let me elaborate. As a fellow creative I have been known on many occasions to forget details big and small about my own world, but names? No, names are never something I tend to duplicate unless for a very specific thematic or world building reason. So color me stoked when I was curiously learning about Bill’s cult arc in the 1950’s and found one of his first followers was a young girl with the surname, you guessed it, Dixon!!
Considering Alex Hirsch is very purposeful with things and little hints, while also leaving the audience to figure things out for themselves while he sits back and laughs, I can’t help but feel the surname Dixon is a bit TOO coincidental in this instance. From what we see, Ciphertology and the followers were a mash of a bunch of real life cult references while doing the usual Hirsch thing of filtering Bill into a concept perfectly well.
All in all it’s a very interesting thing, but what I found more interesting were the people involved. Sure you have the puppet leader, Silas Birchtree and a bunch of other out there names, but amongst sits a simple ‘Madeline Dixon’….. Alex Hirsch I’m going to screAM :D
From what we learn, after the cult is forcibly disbanded by the US government and every trace of the town is wiped off of maps and history books, the people are spread throughout the country and given opportunities to start life over again. Not everyone followed that however and some continued to follow the Bill Cipher cult. And honestly I can’t help finding myself bouncing back to the very concept that is-
What if Emma May Dixon grew up in a recovering cult family? What if her family still believed in the cults teachings like some and practiced it in secret at home? And if that is true how am I meant to feel towards the idea that her future husband, Fiddleford McGucket, would become a cult leader himself all because of the very thing that was the foundation of her own cultish upbringing?
Honestly if that’s what Alex was shooting for, I’m calling him a genius cause that’s such a fascinating idea to work with. The concept that Bill has personally affected and rooted himself so deeply into the show and it’s characters that even those we don’t get to see still have dealt with him to some degree.
It just all feels too perfect too. The surname Dixon implies enough, thanks to Alex’s upfront and to the point naming, that Emma May too is a southerner like her husband. Or at the very least she’s in that farmy side of the country. And where did Ciphertology come from? Orchard Lake, Kansas. Madeline Dixon very well could be Emma May’s aunt or older sister considering the cult began in 1952. And assuming Em’s the same age as Fiddleford and the Stan twins then we can assume vaaaaageuly that she’d be born in 1955. Meaning she’d be either growing up in that recovering environment or indoctrinated into it.
We can assume well enough then that she didn’t follow the cults teachings considering she seems well adjusted with her family, living in Palo Alto, but it also kinda reaffirms why she’d be so quick to throw divorce on the table once she sees Fiddleford’s memory wiped condition. That on top of we can only assume his behavior was alarming and erratic and a far cry from the personality of her husband that she was used to (especially when you consider bRO made a homicidal pterodactyl robot because he was so distraught and upset towards the idea of being divorced..like yeah man..that might solidify her decision my guy..)
But if she ever saw the symbol of Bill’s eye or anything in relation to him anywhere in Gravity Falls?? Especially the Society of the Blind eye symbol spray painted all over? After either learning to fear Bill or worship him in her upbringing depending on what their family did after the cult was disbanded? I wouldn’t blame her for high tailing it out of there and worrying for her and her sons life- (Fiddleford..Emma May..I am your biggest fans, but y’all have me bonkers sometimes) But also consider how most ex cult members naturally want to give the very opposite traumatic life that they lived to their child? If Emma May were to see semblances of what she relates to Ciphertology in Gravity Falls, I don’t have a hard time believing she was getting tF out of there for the sake of Tate’s well being & future
In short- hi, I now believe Emma May’s family was in a cult and the very idea of that will ruminate with me for awhile :D But also double hi?? Madeline DIxon looks vaguely similar to how I envisioned and draw my Emma May design? Coincidence, I think nOT :P
#gravity falls#emma may dixon#emmaline butternubbins#kitcatia has thoughts#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#fiddleford mcgucket
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Because I am gay (see name above) all of my favs are gay but because dc are cowards and refuse to admit that yeah having a character damn near exclusively date redheaded friends and then making both his male close friends redheads is a lil suspicious
I have simply decided that Dick is openly bi and no one has realized it in the universe.(Titans -core 9- and Clark Kent excluded)
So here picture this.
They’re all at a diner/batburger/ wherever they chill as civilians. Are they doing important stuff, working on cases, shooting the shit, your choice- I’m lazy.
And it’s practically empty bc none of them have normal schedules and so yeah you can have lunch at 4:45am that’s a normal time to eat.
And some dude walks in and Dick just straight up freezes for a sec before hiding under the table. The dude orders to go and fucks off.
Dick gets back up and does a cartoonish ‘phew’ bc he’s extra
Jason: yo what the fuck was that
Dick: what the fuck was what?
Tim: that- you hiding under the table of our booth??
Dick: oh that
Steph: no shit worlds third greatest detective
Jason: yeah you saw that dude and freaked, I once saw you laugh in banes face and use his forearm as a jungle gym? What gives?
Dick: oh come on! You’ve never wanted to avoid an ex??
*cue spit take from character of your choice*
Steph: AN EX?!?
Dick:??? Yes
Tim looks like he’s seeing god himself parting the clouds, giving him a view of the sun
Jason is just giving Dick the how did I not know this what the fuck dude how could you not tell me stare
Dick looks at each of them: what did you think I only dated babs and Kori?? I have a life outside of our night job?? Right? Like I’ve dated many people who still don’t know what I do at night?
Steph: no do how could you not tell us about H.I.M
Dick: I mean he wasn’t really all that…nice by the time we hit the three month mark and we didn’t have much in common outside of a shared hobby
Tim who was a closeted bisexual for 5 years realizing his first ever idol the first ever Robin also liked boys: .... you dated him for three months?? when?
Dick: I don't know we broke up like 2 months ago
Steph: How was I not aware of this information??
Dick: im sorry would you like detailed information about my sex life??
Jason, traumatised:.... so when I was Robin, you and roy weren't wrestling in the bathrooms..
Dick:.....
Tim:.....
Steph:.....
Dick: yeah Jay no shit?!?
Tim: so you and Wally... were not playing Jenga when I visited
Dick:... you are adults yes? you realise that I as an adult was not going to tell twelve year olds that I was getting laid?
Steph: Dickie DIckie baby.... we knew you were fucking
Tim: true
Jason: unfortunately
Steph: we just didn't know you were also fucking men
Dick:....
Dick massaging his temples: okay so.... you know I have a thing for redheads and I notoriously befriend my exes.
Tim: yep
Jason: mhm
Dick: and none of you thought for a second that my two redheaded best friends who both have a type aka Dark haired and can do a backflip... and just decided we were totally Hetero besties
Steph: yeahhh I mean...
Tim weakly: you guys just seem
Jay: like friends
Dick deadpan: Lian still calls me dad sometimes and Wally and Linda keep asking me to swing or join a throuple.
steph: fully believed they were joking high key tho
Dick: okay, okay... so the way that I talk about Joey Wilson... just didn't tell you anything?
Jay: okay that one... was my bad actually y'all were hella gay
Tim: hey! that's no fairrr we werent there
Dick: you broke into my house Tim, you literally stalked me
Tim: that's not the same and you know it.
#jason todd#batfam#batman#nightwing#dick grayson#comics#batfamily#tim drake#stephanie brown#incorrect batfamily quotes#bisexual Dick Grayson agenda#imagine being Tim and finding out that your idol was queer#id kill myself#personally#Tim realising that he accidentally found koris strap when he broke in the first time#Tim gags a little#he also thanks god he was too hyper fixated on flips and hero's to figure out this info#Jason has to try and kill roy now
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I started working at a really high end restaurant today doing a role I'm not qualified for (never waited tables before). They had me training with the cutest girl there. And she's telling me about how much she loves theater and cats and rainy days and I'm just like... so you're 🏳️🌈 or naw? Because I'm clearly the most openly faggy person here, so it's obvious what I am.
#this is the kind if place where two people drop $120 minimum and are there for over an hour#I'm out here thinking outback steakhouse is classy then i see this shit where 4oz of steak is like $25...#my trainer chick had 5 total tables all day and made $210 in tips. like. hello?#if that's normal i could do this shit part time and have a life!#it definitely wasn't easy work but I'll acclimate#it's also in a part of town where all the homos hang and i had so many older gay men being so nice to me
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All I’m going to say I think now that my brain remembered part of what it was thinking is that Taylor and Joe went through a lot together (good and bad) and regardless of how it ended or what led to it they both seem to be determined to keep that private and not throw each other under the bus and in the end they’re just two very, very different people whose outlooks in the long term were just never going to align and never has that been clearer.
#I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM JUST TO BE CLEAR#I’m just saying… he said a lot of nothing in those quotes beyond ‘people on the internet suck’#which is true#and both he and Taylor are keeping things close to the vest about it all#and just seems to me that whatever they went through together they are determined to keep it between them so that’s the end of that#(again in contrast to how she has no qualms about reading m for filth)#he’s just some guy and now he gets to be just some guy forever#and she gets to be extraordinary#like yes the loving committed thing raises eyebrows given how much pain she was in#but like he could have shaded her about how it ended too and he didn’t#AND I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM#we know he was a terrible partner and she felt like shit#I’m just saying neither of them want to delve into the specifics and i think they’re just moving into footnotes in each other’s lives now#like i want to make it clear AGAIN I am not condoning anything on his part here — clearly there were huge issues#I’m just saying just because he may have sucked as a partner doesn’t mean the internet being cruel isn’t also true idk#and yes it’s transparent why he’s choosing to speak out now (or rather why the Sunday times is choosing to reach out to him now)#but like… idk i just can’t muster up any feeling about this man one way or the other lol#and take cues from Taylor (and even him) she’s determined to keep it between them other than the broad strokes#so I’m following her/their lead#(like I have thoughts about why but that’s not important and ultimately is just… it’s the most normal of ltr breakups)#like he just sounds a little pretentious with his ‘real life’ which like… good on him keep living that real life you do you dude#meanwhile his ex is flourishing with every passing week and milestone and is living her unabashed best life#and they’re probably both happier for it now
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I had ovarian torsion (worst pain of my life) and like i dealt with the pain for 2 days because i thought i had a kidney stone. I only went to the er after I was in so much pain all I could do was cry and I couldn’t move without help. And in the waiting room I was still trying to have conversations with my friend for 3 hours so i wouldn’t be screaming and bothering people while I was almost passing out and throwing up from pain AND AT ONE POINT THEY TOOK AWAY THE WHEELCHAIR I WAS IN AND MADE ME WALK SOMEWHERE this was after i threw up twice mind you. And then after i got morphine the dr didn’t believe I was in as much pain as I said I was in because I was being normal af because my baseline pain level is a 4 on the pain scale and I was high af. And I basically had to be dramatic as hell when the morphine wore off so they would do surgery. And then after surgery they were like we’re glad we did surgery your ovary was double in size because of the cyst and lack of blood flow from being twisted 4 times. And they actually had to remove part of my ovary because it was dying. And if my mom hadn’t told me I needed to scream and cry loudly when I was in agonizing pain they would’ve just left it in me and sent me home probably to get serious medical complications. And I knew my ovary was fucked during the ultrasound because they listen to the blood flow and I could hear that the one that had the torsion did not have a normal heartbeat sound. Shit is so fucked for chronically ill people.
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you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.
There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.
#like so much of their dynamic (esp but not exclusively in S3) has been about showing the ways that carmy's trauma and dysfunctional#attitude in the kitchen impacts other people and how even though he cares about syd and wants their partnership to work he keeps self#sabotaging and setting himself and by extension her and the restaurant up to fail and replicating the same toxic environments that#he grew up and trained in and this is very much consistent with his character and a natural continuation of the conflicts they've been#having since S1 but because him being shitty with her runs contrary to them getting together suddenly its 'ruining the story' and#out of character and only happening bc the writers just hate to see this ship winning and like. if you really think that i genuinely don't#know what show you've been watching bc it sure as shit wasn't this one. like it hurts to see him do this because you know#they could do something genuinely great together and that he's ruining a really good thing but this is also the reality of where he is rn#if he was just a good and supporting business partner and not deeply dysfunctional it would be wildly out of character#the problem w S3 wasn't that it 'ruined' their relationship it's that it had no clear focus overemphasized carmy's arc at the expense#of the other leads deprioritized the supporting cast while failing to give them their own arcs gave more screen time to#unecessary and uninteresting new 'comic relief' characters and let conflicts stagnate without resolving them or#letting them evolve over the course of the season.#this isn't exclusive to the bear this is a general trend ive noticed where as soon as the 'shipper' part of people's brains get activated#it's like they lose the ability to read the story any other way and it stops being about what's good for the narrative and starts being#about whether or not these two people kiss and anything that gets in the way of that is bad and anything that brings it closer is good#and it's usually whatever but it's really frustrating when the story ppl are doing that to is this good#it also makes people fundamentally incapable of treating any 'obstacle' to that romance in a way that isn't wildly meanspirited and#gross (esp bc those characters are usually women) which is exhausting. like no claire isn't evil or a 'pick me' or 'bad' for carmy#or a useless addition to the story or whatever other nonsense you guys have decided must be true to feel okay. she's a perfectly normal#character and their relationship is exploring some of the ways that carmy's inability to deal with or actually address his trauma#impacts the various relationships in his life. she doesn't even have to be a monster or a narrative mistake for him and syd to be#'destined' for each other or whatever. this isn't a middle school wattpad fic.#im definitely gonna get killed in the street for this but ive been looking for a good reason to spend less time on here so might as well#the bear#sydcarmy#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.
#i know there are compromises out there#and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered#and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine#but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit.#i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough#i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them.#but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu''#it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps????#it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me#throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks#when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding#it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer#''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped.#the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone#the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me#and they've got their own shit to deal with#on that note#i was discussing stuff with my mom#and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents#and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????''#oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting#or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting#maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace#maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted#maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc#and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me#how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way#how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells#broadcasting my misery#vent
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my dad recently made the mistake of quoting roy's last words to me and had to endure my ten minute obsession-fuelled dissection of the ending and that scene in particular and all the symbolism. and i have come to the conclusion that i need to rewatch bladerunner NOW. ASAP. or i might actually start biting furniture
#LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN THERES SO MUCH 'IS DECKART A REPLICANT?' STUFF OUT THERE#I NEED TO SEE THE DETAILS THEYRE ALL TALKING ABOUT#IVE ONLY WATCHED THE FILM ONCE I WAS MOSTLY CONCERNED WITH REMEMBERING WHOS WHO AND KEEPING UP WITH THE PLOT#I NEED TO SEE ALL THE DETAILS#I NEED TO ANALYSE ALL THE DETAIL#ABFCHGVKEH JDCSNLEHBRKJCWNK#also also also ill be able to watch the truman show in full!! i need to do that this very second. bc i only saw parts and I NEED IT ALL#gosh there are so many philosophical debates about it waiting to be had#I HAVE ALREADY DRAWN PARALELLS BETWEEN THE TRUMAN SHOW AND BLADERUNNER I NEED MORE OF THAT#mortal defies their creator/god when faced with the chance and refuses to live out the ''life'' planned out for them I LOVE THAT SHIT#a biscuit's rambles#okay okay im normal again#THATS A LIE NVM I AM TEARING THROUGH CUSHIONING RN AS WE SPEAK#thank the gods for dvds. weve got bladerunner on dvd secondhand cuz we couldnt find it anywhere else#and my dad wanted me to watch it very badly and got it cheap in good condition#AND I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER#I NEED TO REWATCH BLADERUNNER AGHHHHHHHHH#i should probably also watch the remake at some point. just to know it.#i mean im sure ill keep complaining all the time but am curious#I NEED TO WATCH BLADERUNNER#im being very broken record core rn arent i
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