#if i think too much about it itll just make me crazy so i am only thinking happy thoughts!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[usermoon]

currently having the worst cramps ever since i was like 13 BUT after it subsides some im gonna edit my halloween post some more

[starscabaret]

Omg, I love yandere cowboy!! I’ll call him David cause the name Lane reminds me of someoneDavid x a chubby reader? You said he’s careful with the reader but at the same time he’s really strong, right? So, he is kinda rough with her while they make love. Him thinking you being chubby you can take it better. At first it hurts a lot but reader gets used to it and even enjoys it

Cowboy Yandere! Lane  x Chubby Fem Reader  ✧.*

pairing :  yandere! lane x chubby fem reader

summary :  quick drabble to this ask, started this last night, edited the best I could. 

authors note : im still alive just busy with college but, im always happy to answer ask if I have time I am more motivated to write if I know itll bring someone joy, please give me feedback on this, it was a biggg task

warnings : nsfw, teasing, first-time having sex, fingering, slight argument, PIV sex, daddy kink, breeding, mating press, etc

You and Lane had been on a few dates ever since he saw you at your local honky tonk bar, on the county line. Since then you two had been almost inseparable, very much due to Lane’s unabashed obsession with you. He took you on dates very often and spent as much time with you as you allowed when he wasn’t working. He was courting you, yes, but you’d never had anyone lay it on so strong. It was bliss, having someone be all about you, especially your favorite cowboy. Lane insisted on you being his “ol lady” after your first date, but you wanted to give it time, and for you, he yielded… for now. 

With no date or plans with your cowboy arranged for the day, you set out downtown for a day of antique shopping and sweet treats. As you are leaving an ice cream shop, a man stops you.

“Hey Miss, where’d you get the ice cream, I can’t find the place?” the kind stranger asks.

And just as you begin to answer him, you hear an all too familiar roar and hum. 

“Y/N ! Get your little ass in this truck now.” Lane shouts from the window of his truck as pulls up beside you and the man. 

Embarrassed by his outburst you turn to the man, “Two shops down, sorry about that sir, have a good day!” you rush out, running over to the passenger side of Lane’s truck cone in hand. 

As you get in slamming the door, you glare at him before he can even speak, “Lane have you lost your damn mind? Screaming and cursing at me in public!?”

“No, I think YOU have lost your damn mind, you know I don’t like it when you curse little lady, and more importantly who the hell was that guy?” he shoots back at you as he darts off down the road to God knows where. 

“Are you serious right now? Just some fucking guy asking where I got the ice cream from.” you roll your eyes at his possessiveness.

“Serious as a heart attack, sweetheart. Now eat it before it melts,” he commands.

“I thought you had business to take care of today, Lane?” you ask accusingly.

“Did, it’s taken care of now. You are coming to my house; I’m making you supper.” he states.

“Ugh you Brute, didn’t ask, didn’t call or text, you’re lucky I walked downtown.” you sigh out irritated. 

The rest of the ride to Lane’s house was a quiet one as you both brewed in your thoughts and slight irritation with one another. You’d been to his home before, when he took you on a scenic walk and picnic around the property for a date and tried to convince you to move in. 

Once you had arrived and settled in Lane spoke up, “Go in the master bedroom and wash up so you can help me please doll face.”

Once you entered his bedroom, you breathed in deeply, it smelled completely of him, of his manly musky scent that drove you crazy. 

Making your way to his bathroom sink you begin washing your hands, it is not long after that Lane’s tall form is pressed against your plump backside. 

“Hi, honeybee,” he spoke as he wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“Hi Lane.” you purred as you leaned into him.

“Come sit with me on the bed, we have time.” he spoke as he took your hand guiding you back into his neat and rustic bedroom. 

Sitting you on his lap he begins to kiss all over your face and down to your neck. Your hands move to wrap around his neck and steady yourself.  

His lips meet yours as his hand presses at the back of your head, as you launch into a searing kiss. Tongues down one another’s throat, as you suck and caress each other’s tongue with urgency. 

The kiss creates a warmth in your core, like everything else about him. You could be embarrassed but it is impossible to not feel him hardening beneath your thighs, letting you know he feels the same. 

He reluctantly pulls away from the kiss to stare you in the eyes, as you both attempt to catch your breath. 

He moves his hands down your body to grope and fondle all of your curves with stars in his eyes. 

“Gorgeous girl,” he murmurs. 

He is so entranced by looking at and squeezing your body, that your moans sound like white noise to him. He also doesn’t notice the dampness caused by your pussy crying for him. Or the darkening spot on the zipper of his blue jeans where his tip began to leak precum. 

What he does notice is you, taking off your top. You’re not sure what urged you to do so. Perhaps it was wanting to show yourself off even more, to make him physically drool over you. 

“Aww sweet girl, getting undressed for me? You want me to see more of your pretty self?” he asks as he continues his hands-on exploration of your body.  

“Ugh yes.” you moan out at his teasing praise.  

“Well let me help,” he says as he stands you both up.  

Before you can move to unbutton your skirt, he is on his knees in front of you, face buried in your soft pudgy tummy, as his fingers knead at the fat. He pecks away the skin as he unbuttons and pulls your skirt down.  

The second your skirt is down, and you are left in your underwear and bra, you expect his eyes to fall on your pussy clad with embarrassingly wet panties, but they don’t, his eyes and hands launch to the fat of your thighs. 

“Pretty, thick thing huh? Just perfect for me, aren’t ya?” he asks as his hands run up and down your legs stopping to grope the fat of your ass cheeks and around your hips.

Dumbfounded, you don’t respond, you just continue to stare down at his handsome face in awe as you caress his short dirty blonde locks. 

He rises up from his knees to tower over you, while taking off his tailored t-shirt revealing his chest and torso that is paler than the rest of him due to hours of toiling in the sun. You eye the raised scar on his chest from what you recognize as a brand, the number 4. You recall he regarded it as his lucky number. 

Once his shirt is removed, he wraps his arms around your back, pulling you closer to him.

“May I?” he asks as he fiddles with the clasp of your bra. 

“Please.” you moan out. 

“Yes mam,” he flashes you his big bright white smile. He was elated at your trust and want for him. It created a feeling of fullness in his chest at having you this way, he hoped to have you fully in every way soon. If he had his way it would have been the day you two met.

Once your bra is removed and discarded somewhere in his room, he gently guides you to lie in the center of his bed. You reach your arms out and whimper, gesturing for him to join you. Missing the warmth of his body against yours, and of his large hands laying tender touches over your plump form. 

“I’m coming sweetheart, don’t rush me.” he breathes out teasingly, staring at you almost naked on his bed as he works on unbuckling his belt and pulling down his jeans. 

You try not to stare at the bulge in his boxers. Lane was a big guy, you weren’t shocked. Your eyes avoided his dick, to keep yourself from jumping his bones. 

Making his way onto his bed, straddling your plump flattened thighs, he continues your make-out session with even more fervor. 

Pulling away he brings your hand to his mouth after trailing his kisses from your mouth, to down your neck, and up your arm, finishing with a darling peck to the back of your hand. 

“You want me?” he asks against your hand.

You move your head to nod but stop yourself as you know Lane will only accept a verbal answer, “Please,” you breathe out, breathless from your arousal and activities.

“Atta girl, Lift up for me” he praises as he moves to slide your panties down your hips and thighs, eventually throwing them somewhere off to the side.

You draw your legs up, feet planted on his bed, spreading your legs, to make room for him between them.

Being naked in front of anyone is enough to give anyone anxiety, but since your first meeting, Lane has done nothing but praise your beauty. Just your smile brought him to his knees, practically begging to cater to your every need. By the time his eyes moved down the rest of your face and body, he was enchanted. He always ensured you had some point of physical contact when together, claiming he couldn’t get enough of his “gorgeous girl”.

Your anxiety was low, you were happy to share your body with him, as he had proved he could be trusted with it. Trusted with you, your heart, your every need. 

One of his big hands moves to spread your folds so he can have a peek, “Ahh look at that pretty flower, you been hiding it from me?” he teases. 

His thumb rubs your clit as his other hand holds you open, so he can see all of you. He refuses to have anything hidden from his view. His thumb gently makes its way down your puffy wet folds, to your hole which throbs at the sight and feel of him. 

As your greedy wet hole practically sucks his thumb in, he groans aloud, “God you’re so pretty Y/N, please say I can have you?”

He peers up at you as his hands continue their exploration of your pussy.

“Yes Lane, I want you,” you respond, throwing your head back into his fluffy white cotton pillows. 

“Daddy’ll take care of ya,” He replies moving up to peck your sweet lips. 

His words didn’t even catch you off guard, it was very clear that Lane was the kind of man to provide, lead, and care for you beyond your wildest dreams. Hence why your relationship was moving fast by your standards, of course still much too slow for him. 

With that promise, Lane began prepping you. He swiftly pulls you into his lap, setting his back against the headboard. You go to lay your legs flat in front of you, having no clue about his goal. He stops you immediately, pulling your back to his front, and splaying each of your legs over his muscular thighs, making you wide open to him. His head comes to rest with his chin on your shoulder, looking down so he can see the mess he is making between your legs. 

You feel two fingers enter you as his thumb prods at your clit again. You are beginning to drip all over his hands and soon his sheets, as he works you like some sort of familiar machine. As you feel your climax approaching, he swiftly removes his fingers. You whine out, wanting, no needing them back in you. 

“Don’t worry doll I’m not done,” he whispers in your ear kissing the side of your face and urging you to look at him. 

He plunges his two middle fingers back into you at an alarming rate. Your blush has spread down your chest at the feeling of him fucking you on his fingers. He continues his brutal pace even as he feels your wetness increase.

He doesn’t even come to a stop when you begin to go stiff in his arms, moaning his name loudly repeatedly as your orgasm forces your thighs to tremble and try to close around him. 

“Please Lane” you beg.

“Please what sweet girl?” he hums and asks as his fingers slow.

“You, want you.” you breathe out.

“You know I can’t say no to you” he winks as he takes you off his lap, laying you on the bed.

On his knees between your legs, he removes his boxers and you don’t know what to look at first. 

His large cock is hard and dripping between the deep v shape of his muscular hips, It’s covered in short almost blonde tufts of hair at the base. His balls swing beneath it like they’d been aching for you.

He comes in closer to you, leaning over you, centering himself between your thighs. He lays his dick on your soft fat tummy. Going past your belly button, and letting you feel the warmth, throb, and weight of him.

You both gaze down at the sight in awe, letting out moans and groans at the erotic image. You have to bite your finger to keep yourself from begging him to fuck you.

His hand wraps around it giving it a few strokes before he’s tapping the heavy tip at your clit. 

He groans and moves his other hand to grope one of your breasts as he continues to move his tip through your folds, coating himself in your arousal.

“Beautiful tits, beautiful pussy, beautiful tummy, could you be any more perfect for me?” he speaks up while looking into your eyes. 

“Glad you like it,” you breathe out biting your lip.

“Like it? No, I love it, I adore it, sweetheart. Matter of fact I’m more sure than ever of you being mine. My ol lady, my girlfriend, my boo, whatever you wanna call it. You’re mine. That means no more talking to random fuckers in the street, and no more cursing.” He states hand on the side of your neck rubbing his thumb over the column of your delicate throat. 

You truly didn’t realize how upset he was by earlier events until he slid his whole length into you at once. His hips meeting yours. His bush tickles your clit. Causing you to moan out and your hole to seize around him. He let out the deepest groan you had ever heard from him. 

You could only respond, “Yes Daddy” while sucking in a sharp breath. Even if his possessive almost controlling nature upset you, you did not care in the moment. You were the fullest, wettest, and warmest you’d ever been and it was because of him.

“That’s right darling, and you won’t be bad again. Ill make sure of it.” He responds with hearts in his eyes but sternness in his tone.

He really meant it, pulling his hips all the way out just to slam back into you in seconds. You were wet enough, and he felt your pussy wrapped around him begging for him to move. You knew that Lane was strong as an ox. All-American football player, horse rider, champion bull rider, and all-around farm boy, it wasn’t until now that you realized just how strong his hips, and legs were. He was absolutely plowing you, better than any field. 

He felt so good inside of you, as his dick kept stroking, and rubbing every spot inside you. His strong arms caged you underneath him, as he bent down to kiss your lips, never once slowing in the pace or strength of his thrust. 

You open your mouth to tell him to slow down, to pull out, to let up, but your brain short circuits with him inside of you fucking you so thoroughly. It is not long till his headboard is slamming against the wall with every thrust, which would drown out the sound of anything you had to say.

He continues his powerful thrust only slowing to move your positions a little bit. Now you can catch your breath to speak up, “ ’s too much Lane please, my pussy is gonna hurt.” you breathe out, not mentioning any pain. The pain that did come from the stretch and sheer force was not so much that it interfered with your pleasure at all. 

“Whaddya mean too much doll? I picked you for a reason, I know you’re strong, firm, plump, and beautiful. Perfect for me to use how we both want.” he coos at you as he moves your position into a mating press.

“Don’t tell me you can’t take a dick? A beautiful well-built woman like you?” He asks as he brings his hips up high and all the way back down into you in your new position. 

You give no answer at first too cock drunk, at the feel of him in this new position. You thought you were full before but by god, you thought you might die as his balls hit your tight ass hole, and his muscular thighs held down your own. You couldn’t see him entering you, he was so big and going so fast. All you could see was your tits bouncing over your chubby folded-over body, and his over yours holding your legs up. 

With his arms still wrapped around your legs he falls onto you bringing his chest down to yours, you smell his heady, manly scent, making you moan out at each thrust he gives you. 

His hips do all the work as he continues slamming into you with loud plaps, you hardly notice the drops of both your arousals squirting all over your tummy from the impact. 

“Huh? Making you feel good yeah?” he moans into your neck, his face pressed passionately against yours in an effort to prevent himself from spilling inside you.

Now that was a question you could answer, “Yes!” you scream out as you pulse around his cock. 

“See doll, Daddy knows what he’s doing.” He pulls away to smirk at you. You feel your stomach and your hole begin to quiver around him. With him on top there’s not much you can do to brace yourself except wrap your arms around his neck above you. 

Recognizing the feel of you around him, he keeps at the same pace, his tip hitting the same spot inside of you over and over again. 

You tighten your arms around his neck and hold him close to you as you cum all over his dick. 

“Atta girl” he groans pecking you on your pursed lips. With his hand on your jaw as his thumb lovely brushes over your face, he continues pushing and pulling out of your pussy at a slower pace. You watch as his eyes move down to watch the way he splits you open as your hole still breathes around him. 

It’s not long before he pushes into you with renewed strength. With one last harsh thrust, he buries himself inside of you cumming in his little flower. 

His groan is loud as he falls on you, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“You were perfect, more than I ever could have imagined. Ya okay doll?” he asks turning to you breathing heavily. 

“Yes, lane felt so good” you mewl out, “It’ll hurt when you pull out.” you remark, still feeling him inside of you. 

“To be expected, ya took me so well.” He smirks. “Don’t worry your pretty head about it sweetheart, as soon as I pull out you’ll feel my cum dripping out, that’ll cool ya down.”

“Then I’ll take you to the bath, wash you up, bring you back to bed, and give er’ some kisses, how’s that sound?” he asks.

Caught up in your ethereal look of bliss, after your lovemaking and orgasm, he can’t stop admiring and kissing your hot blushing face. His smile can’t be contained, having you in that way made his heart beat faster than any strenuous activity. You let him have you fully. To take care of you stirred something in him, he could only compare to raising up animals, a good harvest, or a job well done.  

It was now, he realized you’d forever be his favorite thing to care for, his pride and joy. He’d stop at nothing to make you the most kept woman in the world. For the rest of his life, any of his success would be to impress and provide for you. 

[cybertron-smash-or-pass]

A bit of a loaded question, I know, but do you have any TF ships you prefer and would like to share?

I need you to be aware that you're opening pandora's box here. The vibes range anywhere from "god this is hot" to "god this is cute" to "their dynamic is so fucking interesting and i want to study them under laboratory conditions" to "this hurts so much and I need the drama, I am CRYING" to smashing barbie dolls together. I have crackships you ain't even THOUGHT about. I throw ships at the wall just to see if they stick. I like a lot of ships. Arguably too damn many. So many that I'm putting this under a cut to spare people from the long post. So many that I have to sort them by continuity so you're not staring at an unorganized list longer than do you love the color of the sky.

TFA

shockbee I feel has a lot of the potential for shockwave fearing what happens when bee finds out he's not longarm. Like a lot of the scenes in auto boot camp read to me like shockwave really did want bee as an ally while he climbs the ranks, and there's some juicy potential for shocker starting out as just using him until he actually catches feelings. Especially in aus where bee really did join the elite guard. Like can you imagine the drama. The heartbreak. The trust issues. Bee realizing he never really knew the guy he could trust most. Wondering if he's even safe to be around. If anything was even real. Shockwave wondering the same things. Hhhhhhhhh.

I do enjoy shockblurr conceptually but I'm not crazy about how they're usually portrayed in the fandom bc I feel like we're all forgetting that shockwave is a ball of anxiety and murder, and Blurr is a straight laced fuckin nerd who can't shut his mouth. An overpowered, highly capable nerd, but a nerd still. I like what the artist katzske does with them a lot tho.

I'm also a blitzbee enjoyer but on a less "bee can fix him and itll be so sweet" level and more "god imagine how annoying they'd be together." Looney Tunes levels of fucking with people. Either that or bumblebee is just horny on main and really likes the thought of bagging a con, but then he goes and catches feelings.

prowlbulk owns my entire heart. They're so sweet on each other and prowl really respects and appreciates bulkhead way more than bulky's used to. And bulkhead admires so much of prowl's skill and perspective. They work so well together as a couple and it's fucking adorable. With a hint of tragedy bc. Well. You know.

Bulkbee is also incredibly cute bc I'm a sucker for besties that very slowly realize they love each other so much it makes them look stupid. Good in romantic or qpr flavors. Bee already climbs all over bulkhead like a squirrel, they're so fuckin affectionate and very very stupid in social settings.

I like Optimus and blackarachnia from a drama standpoint bc God. They are tragic. They are MESSY. I genuinely think there's no happy ending for them. The trust is gone. But they still miss each other so much and they just CANT move on, so they keep stringing each other along. They're just hurting themselves and each other every time one does anything nice for the other. It's the kinda shit that just slowly rips your heart out. OP please don't text your ex. OP pLEASE

Megop is a classic but I feel we as a fandom underutilize how much Optimus pisses off Megatron. He is an asshole cat knocking shit off the counter for attention. Megs lets him be worse when he is so so fucking tired of being good. He loves that he hates him and he hates that he loves him. Full on "my esteemed rival" "dearly detested." Fighting each other is cathartic and addictive. Megatron finds it infuriating but he can't deny how much he likes having a worthy opponent, how fitting it is that the cosmos sent him so deadly a nemesis, and yet how lame it is that he was so forgettable at first so now he feels dumb being mildly obsessed with him. Optimus is just glad he has someone who doesn't expect him to be perfect and nice and upstanding. He can vent out a lot of his less noble feelings or impulses that he's had completely repressed for ages. The pressure's off in a lot of ways. And I think in an enemies to lovers sense, watching them figure out how to make that setup and that very odd mutual desire to be in each other's lives into something healthier could be really compelling. Or tragic in a "why did I let myself need you? Why the fuck did I let myself need you?" way.

Beeprowl is funny but I only really like it in a "you annoy me SO MUCH let's make out about it" way. Nothing committed, just dispelling the tension without having to kill each other. It is just kinda nice seeing them have genuinely sweet moments though. Squidbob ass relationship.

Lugnut and Strika are the perfect Decepticon power couple and I love them so much. So very much. Lugnut loves his big terrifying wife capable of leveling cities, and she loves her sweet devoted husband who could throw her across the room. I think they break chairs over each other's heads for fun and have been trying to seduce Megatron into a threesome for ages.

Shockwave and Megatron are also incredibly good. The loyalty. The "I commit my whole existence to you. I am yours, in mind body and soul. I will go wherever you need me to, I will put myself in immeasurable danger for you, just please say I'm doing a good job" and "all my efforts would be lost without you. In a world where I have been vulnerable and terrified, where I have been stabbed in the back by people I thought I could wholly trust, I can look at you and know, unwaveringly, you won't do the same. I trust you completely." It's Delicious. It's absolutely codependent but god it's tasty.

Also honestly? Bulkhead and the constructicons could make a pretty cute throuple. He wants them to be better. They want him to be worse. He just wants them to do honest work and they want him to stop letting stuffy, elitist autobot society control him so much. They love each other, they're friends (even if the constructicons don't totally remember the first night they met him). And they really do enjoy each other's company. They're just guys being dudes. Just dudes being guys. Just guys being gays. (It's also just nice when bulkhead gets to be the smaller one, scrapper totally carries him around like a big ol' cat).

I really like prowl being torn between lockdown and jazz. They're the devil and angel on his shoulders. Lockdown tempting him into relapsing, feeling himself fall into old habits, forsaking everything he's learned about patience and respect and being conscientious of the world around him. Jazz picking him back up when he slips, making him WANT to keep being better. And prowl can't decide if he wants to be loved in spite of all his toxic traits or BECAUSE of them. It's got me in a chokehold, your honor.

Megastar is fun in tfa because 1. It's implied Megatron never actually abused starscream while they were on the same side (the first thing starscream says after waking up from being shot is "YOU DARE STRIKE ME, MEGATRON?" which reads to me like this is a new development). Megs doesn't actually hurt anyone working for him other than Sumdac, who he fucking hates (at least not on-screen), and the only reason he was as aggro to starscream post-revival was because he knew screamer is the reason he spent all that fucking time as just a severed head. He used to actually trust him, sort of, even if he was a scheming, sycophantic little weasel. And 2. It's pretty obvious they have history together. I genuinely truly believe they were exes and Starscream only planted a bomb on him because he couldn't be fucking normal about the divorce. You look at how they bitch at each other in deep space and then immediately fall into what is most likely their old dynamic of getting things done and shooting the shit and tell me they never had an intense romantic stint that went horribly wrong. Starscream calls him Meggy in his internal logs for fucks sake.

Oh also sumdac x megatron. It started as a crackship of mine but I really love the idea of sumdac feeling legitimately guilty for taking Megatron apart and unknowingly violating him the way he did, even if Megatron is terrible. Like the dynamic of "you lied to me" "if I told you who I really was, I would be dead. I don't owe you the truth when you held me captive. I was vulnerable. I was TERRIFIED. I did what I had to in order to keep myself safe. And you come to ME with accusations of doing you wrong? When YOU held all the power? And then when I'd taken back the power you left me without, made you feel what I felt, I'm a monster?" "I never meant to hurt you" "Well you did. And now you know just how much damage you did." Like it's such an interesting angle, ESPECIALLY when you consider that sumdac probably grew to legitimately care about Megatron while he was in his lab. He wanted to do right by him. He wanted to see him restored and thriving. He was his robot buddy that made a birthday gift for his kid once. Some part of him probably misses him after he's gone, some part of him probably feels guilty too, even through all the rage and hurt and fear and betrayal. That's complicated feelings!! That's juicy!!!!!

I like the thought of Shockwave and Optimus but that's mostly for sexy reasons. Something about a big, smooth talking, scary cryptid monster, very well spoken and elegant, seducing Good, Upstanding Autobot Optimus to The Dark Side. This is mostly because Optimus is a huge nerd and so is Shockwave. I think Shockwave could potentially pique his interest with uncensored versions of the history Optimus is already a huge dweeb about, and seal the deal with a few gentle touches and honeyed words. From Optimus's perspective this is Very Obviously a Honeypot Trap but the trouble is Shockwave is very hot and very sweet on him and starting to seem less and less evil so he's not sure how long he can keep his guard up when the temptation is this strong. He has a duty to fight Decepticons and shut out their lies but man. He's so tired. And Shockwave's berth is very warm. There is something satisfying about seeing him choose to be selfish after nearly a whole show of him taking the high road. (It's even better if he gets attached when eventually Shockwave's Cool Sexy Collected vibes falter and he sees how much of an anxious, panicky dork he actually is)

Ratchet x Arcee are also very very cute together. Old married dorks. Ratchet's so soft with her and he wants her to be okay. She genuinely likes him and he makes the nightmare she's subjected herself to bearable. "Don't call me sir, I work for a living!" They're both horrifically traumatized, they understand each other on a level most bots can't, and they can ground each other when it gets bad. God. You know they're slow dancing in the kitchen together. You know they're sickeningly domestic with each other. They are holding hands in the park on a comically small bench on earth right as we SPEAK.

I also just kind of like the idea of team prime being a polycule (other than ratchet, who is just watching the young bots having relationship drama and rolling his optics (the age gap and mentor role make me personally a little uncomfortable but I have nothing against people who do include him, they're all adults, its chill)). I like the thought of these losers getting home after a long day and collapsing into a cuddle pile, either on the couch or on the floor. They all love each other so much already, I think they should kiss about it, but they're super repressed so it's So Very Shy and Cautious and Sweet.

The same goes for the Decepticons but more in a "cons are pretty casual about sex anyway, they're in close proximity, and they tolerate each other at least so nearly everyone has a fuck buds setup with each other" way. I feel like the autobots are super repressed in that regard so the cons started leaning into being sluts to stick it to the mech along with all the other freaks shit they're cool with. God help Blackarachnia, she goes from Autobot repression to all her coworkers being sluts on main and she Does Not Know what to do about that (also it would make a lot of sense if that's why she started leaning into the femme fatale thing so hard)

TFP

Optiratch my beloved. Gay old men who would do anything for each other, even when they really don't agree on how to proceed. They're best friends, they're husbands, they're crushing on each other and they think it's unrequited, they just started dating, they've been married for eons. All of it works soooo well. They know each other well enough that they can communicate by just kinda grunting in specific ways. I need them to hold hands SO bad.

Megop is also Very Good here. Literally the most divorced robots to ever exist. Megatron NEEDS Optimus back and Optimus still holds a torch for megs, but it's so fucking funny because they're clearly on fundamentally different levels of "I miss you." Like Optimus is kinda sad and he does want the old Megatronus back, but Megatron does these whole fuckin elaborate stunts to get Optimus to pay attention to him again and then locks himself in his room with a pint of ice cream and dark energon to cry about him. Mans is NOT coping. Alternatively, Optimus is coping just as poorly on the inside and he really does still love Megatron just as much but he knows that's a selfish desire that he quiets with everything else he sacrifices about himself in the name of being a good leader. Least repressed Optimus.

Bulkhead and wheeljack should get to kiss on the mouth I think. If Arcee can call Wheeljack Bulkhead's boyfriend, and bulkhead does not deny it, logic dictates they should in fact French kiss sloppy style for a whole minute on live TV. It can happen. Only on the hub.

KOBD are adorable together, they are so unhinged and stupid and they love each other so much. Like the team rocket of the nemesis. Breakdown loves his husband soooo much and knockout misses him so bad when Silas gets him. And you KNOW they're freaks bc knockout is totally convinced that breakdown would've loved seeing how he torments Silas in bd's body. He's probably right about it too.

I also wholly support Ms. June Darby for trying to seduce Optimus. Me too girl, get that robo ass. Go get jack a new cooler dad. It's also very cute to imagine Optimus, the bigass 30 foot robot, the stoic leader of the Autobots who keeps stonefaced through just about anything, flustered and crushing on a very small and very flirty human.

For some reason the show was kind of trying to tease Bulkhead x Arcee for exactly one episode and then never again and like. Look. I understand it was a forced het ship that was there to distract people from how gay they accidentally made the show. I know it'd probably just be Arcee rebounding after losing Cliffjumper. But I think them having a fwb type relationship while she works through her feelings could be interesting. Though this could just be because Bulkhead is big sweet and comforting and him holding anyone and making them feel safe while they're Going Through it is enough to get me saying God I Wish That Were Me.

Bumblebee and Smokescreen appeal to me in the same way seemingly very hetero frat bros who are apparently a very sweet and affectionate gay couple do. It's an inherently funny irony and also theyre just both cute himbos.

TFP Megastar is horrifically unhealthy in general and there is absolutely no way in hell it could work out. Not pre-war, not post-megs-redemption, nada. Which is why it has my brain in a chokehold. This is one of the ships I like because it's fascinating and because god it HURTS. Like I have my gripes with how the show portrayed the abuse overall but there were some things they were cooking with. Starscream being an obvious victim but then turning around and inflicting it on everyone around him? Girl no, the cycle of violence and abuse!!!! Girl no, you're refusing to do the complex emotional work of accepting that what happened to you wasnt okay and thus you carry out the behaviors you've gaslit yourself into thinking are normal!!!!!! Girl no, society has failed you and you have no support systems to help you break the cycles, but you also simply refuse to try in the first place because your pride wouldn't allow it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The cortical psychic patch was literally my fave showcase of their dynamic in the whole show. "I don't want to play this game anymore!" Like jfc ouch. Also the thought of post redemption Megatron lamenting how he treated Starscream, not having considered the damage he's done to him before now. Trying to make it right and only making it all worse by inserting himself into Starscream's life again and realizing how badly he's broken him, how fucked it is that Starscream seems to revere him after EVERYTHING. God. GOD. I'm in agony.

Speaking of starscream in the cycle of abuse, KOSS has postcanon potential. (Post Predacons Rising, rid does not exist 😌) Like. They've proven they feel some type of way about each other. "I've always admired your lustrous finish." "😏" But Knockout was the first person in starscream's life to set a boundary in a healthy way. And when starscream inevitably ignores those boundaries and knockout leaves, you know how much it fucking hurts starscream to realize how badly he fucked up. But of course, the pride. He can't apologize. Can't admit he's the reason knockout betrayed him. So he'll choke back the tears. He'll try to, anyway. But he can't stop the agony in his voice while he feebly spits out "Fine! I hope Unicron eats you too!!" You know the second they shut the door on him, the waterworks started, and so did the closest thing to self reflection Starscream's ever done. He Has the Potential to be Better with Knockout, but he NEEDS to put in the work, and the suspense of wondering if he WILL fucks my whole shit up.

Rescue Bots

It is so close to canon that blades and bumblebee are boyfriends. Hell I believe it pretty much IS canon. He loves that bug so much. He gets jealous when he hangs out with Dani and not him. He hugs him for a photo the first chance he gets. And since we know blades is confirmed as being into dudes, I think we all know what they were getting at. TFP bumblebee has an anxious twink boyfriend that lives in Maine and we have no idea whatsoever if the rest of team prime knows.

Graham and boulder pine for each other like you would not believe. Once again, pretty much canon. You can't just have boulder keep telling Graham "well I like you just how you are" when Graham's trying to impress a girl and expect me to not think he has a big stupid gay crush on his best friend. They love each other so much as partners and as friends, I know damn well they'd be SICKENINGLY cute together as boyfriends. They'd probably try to stealth it at first bc a human and a giant robot alien in love? What'll the others think?? Gotta keep it secret. Sneaking off into the woods so Boulder can work on his "art projects" but in fact they are kissing. They're not as slick as they think they are, Chief Burns 100% picks up what's going on but he lets them think they're sneaky. Nobody actually has any problems with it other than Kade making fun of them a little but don't worry that's just him projecting.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Heatwave and Kade are the worst fucking tsunderes about crushing on each other. Between heatwave refusing to let down the brooding tough guy persona and kade being so insistent on staying hyper masculine (to the point where mild internalized homophobia is inevitable), neither of them can just be honest about how much they mean to each other and they gotta resort to getting each other's attention by being mean in very low stakes ways. I am drowning, there is no sign of land, you are coming down with me, hand in unloveable hand, except they're not drowning and they're just dunking each other in a kiddie pool repeatedly.

Heatwave and quickshadow are fun for similar reasons but with less shit lord pranks and/or lowbrow bitching, and more classy verbal sniping and sparring with each other because heatwave thinks it's hot when quickshadow kicks his ass. They're insufferably competitive and I think that could be very fun and incredibly messy, especially since they both need to learn how to communicate. Very bisexual, they are forced to share the brain cell, 10/10

I also just enjoy the idea of all the bots being in a polycule the same way I like the idea for TFA's team prime. They're very sweet together and they clearly care about each other a lot. Its just kind of nice when they all hold hands together, you feel me? They're sneaking off to kiss in the bunker bc they don't know if the humans know dudes can like other dudes. They are also not as subtle as they think they are.

Oh also doc Greene and chief burns dated once when they were teenagers and it didn't work out but they stayed besties, nobody can change my mind on this.

Beast Wars

Dinobot and Megatron are exes, 100%. Dinobot is probably the only being in the known universe that Megatron actually kind of cares about other than himself and his rubber duck. Otherwise he wouldn't keep trying to fucking clone him to make a version that will never leave him. There's also some implications here and there that Megatron really did want the world to be better for Predacons (along with the desire for power, anyway) and that preds are genuinely treated unfairly, so there's a pretty compelling angle of dinobot having been drawn to megatron because he saw someone with noble goals and a way to fix their fucked up world before becoming disillusioned with the dishonorable tyrant he turned out to be.

Dinobot and Optimus are also very good together bc it really truly feels like Dinobot finally found the guy with honor he thought he saw in Megatron. And he's infuriating half the time because he isn't nearly as bloodthirsty as he's used to, but GODDAMN does he make him Feel Things. The entire episode Gorilla Warfare has me obsessed with them. The bitching. Dinobot freaking the fuck out and Optimus tenderly removing the seed pod stuck to the back of his neck that was freaking him out and only laughing at him a little. Dinobot constantly trying to choose violence. The stupid smile when Optimus also chooses violence and Dinobot realizes he fucked up. THE BEDSIDE VIGIL. "It was my shift" AND YOU KNOW THEY WEREN'T TAKING SHIFTS. THE FLOWER ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. "it is good to have you back." "Back home or back to normal?" "...both." THEY'RE HOMOSEXUAL, YOUR HONOR.

Dinobot (shit maybe I just really like dinobot) with Rattrap is good for similar reasons but the vibes are totally different. DoOp is all soft and sweet and patient and light ribbing, Dinotrap is talking shit at each other as a love language. Dinobot is a good guy but he's also, fundamentally, a bitch. Rattrap has proven he can match his freak by bitching right back. They love each other by pretending to hate each other. To the point where if Rattrap doesn't hear any comebacks he genuinely starts worrying because "oh, we aren't playing the game, why aren't you playing, are you okay?" They have so many soft tender moments where they prove they actually love each other. Their last conversation is talking shit!!!! "You're just a slag spouting saurian, but it's nice to know where you stand." "Upwind of you for preference, rodent." They loved each other!!!!!! Rattrap is fucked up over losing him!!!!!!!!!!! It's bittersweet, it's tragic, it hurts so bad and I love them so much!!!! They're stupid your honor!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a much sillier side, I do love Rattrap x Rhinox. Rattrap kissed that man twice. On the mouth. On screen. Annoying little gremlin who goes "nyehhhh" x big stoic dude who goes "hn." And they're both tech guys so they probably work on projects together a lot. And they all survive and are fine bc beast machines isnt real 💖

I have my problems with Silverbolt in general but I cannot deny that he and Blackarachnia are pretty damn cute together. He loves his girlfriend, they trash her shitty ex together, she loves that he doesn't try to change her. She gets to be the bad girl and the sweet knight in shining armor still loves her. "Dark poison of my heart" like c'mon.

Airazor and Tigatron are also pretty cute AND they have the honor of being the first canon gay couple in the tf franchise bc of the Japanese dub, which made Airazor a dude but left the romance unchanged (the Japanese dub was also just generally fuckin insane tho so it's not all that shocking).

Waspinator and Terrorsaur are boyfriends for real and for canon, John hasbro told me himself.

RiD 2001

I ship skybyte with that one girl that lives in a state of constant talking-car-based torment. Why? Because when I watched rid with my roommate we had a running joke that eventually they'd meet and have a whole robotfucker romcom arc and it kinda just stuck. This is my only rid ship and I will not be taking criticism on it.

Cyberverse

Bumblebee, Hot Rod and Cheetor are in a polycule together and nobody can tell me they aren't. Just how it's gotta be.

I want Perceptor and Dead End to kiss so badly. They're technically canon already given how hard the creators ship them. They hold hands your honor. "only a bolthead would go out there... UGH I'm such a BOLTHEAD" HES IN LOVE YOUR HONOR.

Hot Rod and Soundwave are great as enemies to lovers, they're so annoying 💖. I feel like they'd start playing gay chicken and be married with three kids wondering when the other guy is gonna back out.

SHOCKWAVE AND WHEELJACK OH MY GOD. fellas is it gay to program your drones which are just tiny versions of your own altmode to dance funny to Tetris music specifically because it makes your lame ass boyfriend laugh and then keep that function eons after you break up and still remember exactly what the command is? Fellas is it gay to get kidnapped by your ex and then get really excited about all the cool shit he's been making while you were separated? I wish they could've gotten a happy ending man, they could've been so cute together.

I don't ship it romantically but I believe in Grimlock & Arcee qpr. They love each other so so much they would've readily died for each other. I love their dynamic, they're insane 💖

Same goes for Shadowstriker and Soundwave tbh. Decepticon besties, and Shadowstriker being aro kinda just feels right. I like to think they cuddle and talk shit about Shockwave while Sounders blasts heavy metal. They play cod as the most insufferable duo.

Megop in cyberverse is so good because it really feels like they Had a relationship but it was unstable and moved too fast and they just assumed they were on the same page about things without communicating properly until suddenly they were in serious disagreement, and TRIED to work it out in a mature way but they were simply Doomed From the Start. And then it culminates in a whole fucking war but it rages so long, and they are so tired of fighting, and they realize they want to try again because nobody was really to blame for how things ended because they both handled it poorly. I wish they got that chance to try again properly. I wish when Optimus retired to just fuck around and vibe, he could've taken Megatron with him. I wish they could've fallen in love all over again.

Oh also Slipstream and Windblade being lesbian enemies to lovers bait was Fucking Phenomenal and I Love it So Much. They're smug and terrible and I want them to make out. They can make each other worse 💖

G1

I have not seen that much of g1 but I do know a few things are absolute truth.

Soundwave is gay for Megatron. This is arguably reciprocated.

Shockwave is gay for Megatron. This is not reciprocated but it is taken advantage of.

Starscream vacillates between gay for Megatron and trying to kill him. Megatron seems to reciprocate but only a little bit. Enough to keep him alive because he's cute. But megs also gets a lot of cuteness aggression so he feels the need to chuck starscream against the wall every now and then.

Powerglide and Astoria are tied for the pinnacle of robot on human romance in the entire tf franchise with Tracks and Raul, and if none of them come back in ANY tf media, I will riot.

Cliffjumper and Mirage have fucked at least once.

Wheeljack and Ratchet are gay married.

Optimus is bisexual and he loves elita-1 but there is something distinctly homoerotic going on with Megatron.

Conclusion

I like when the robots kiss <3

[mightbemod]

IVE HAD THIS DRAWING IDEA FOR AGES, DO U SEE MY CONCEPT..?

u dont understand how crazy i am over that panel. describing him as a killer? hes canonically prepared to THROW AWAY HIS HUMANITY? im a huge dio enjoyer on the side, this makes me insane.

my own rambling thought below lol

IM THINKING it depends on WHEN, early on? perhaps. later? nope.

i think being a vampire would heal his paralysis BUT being able to walk again wasnt his ONLY goal, he also wanted to get to zero. which mostly had to do with what he considered karma. he believed jesus would reset his karma to zero, so would he believe the mask to do the same? if so, he'd probably do it, and use this reasoning to justify it.

ofc this would all have to be before they found out about the corpse and stuff, his obsession with the corpse would overshadow the mask regardless.

so, early on before the corpse was a huge factor, when johnny has gotten the drive to walk again, if he found the mask, with the right reasoning, he mightve used the stone mask tbh.

thats all assuming he KNOWS what the mask does too, its probably more likely if he doesnt know about its vampirism and some shmuck just told him itll heal him and shit.

ofc i doubt gyro would see it his way if he did, even if the stone mask technically solved all his problems. johnny wouldve gotten to zero and his legs back, at the cost of the race and gyro and the sun.

i dont usually theorize/brainstorm this much so idk how accurate it really might be but its soooo fun to think about. i love morally grey characters.

[prestonmonterey]

TLT UPDATE!! BEFORE I GO TO BED

(gods im so tired...)

@vincentaureliuslin @tatsumisheep3

no photos today so heres my cat :P

OPENING NIGHT!!! it went super well!!!!! (i think)

it was PA night so the understudys were percy and annabeth and they killed it!!!!!! :DDDD

also my director gave me a compliment today so im in a good mood (it was somethin along the lines of "you finally did a good job as cerberus" but ill take what i can get...) (i still have beef with him but.. whatever....)

its crazy how fast this show is going and that itll all be over after sunday,, but also i am SO tired bc we literally spend more time at school than at home this week :(

also getting a lotta acne bc im not used to wearing this much make up every day :P

but hey at least ill get to rest a teeny bit on the weekend (just in the morning TwT bc we have matinees)

also my parents and some of my friends are comin tomorrow so they BETTER FUCKIN BUY ME CANDY (i really really really want candygrams... one of the stage managers got like 4 boxes of candy i am so jealous...)

also also also we did the legacy robe last night before preview night and my friend (and mother /ij) got it :DDDD very happy for her

um um um i felt like i had more to say but idk this is already a lot and i cant remember things im kinda tired :P

oh i finally got my camper necklace!!! the beads were missing for like a week but they were just on the table in the costuming room... anyway my friend made it for me during tech class bc shes so so sooo sweet <3 (while i was in math trying to force my friend to study... *stares at neeks* /aff) i got four beads that kinda almost make the ace flag!! (black for tech, silver for the fall play, light blue for this show, and purple for my grade)

idk if i explained it before but all of our necklaces represent how much theater we've done,,, bc its kinda like how long we've been at camp. theres a bead for each grade based on our class colors, and the tlt bead, so everyone gets at least 2. theres also beads for each of the past musicals and plays at school, and a black bead if youve done tech, and a white bead if youve done leadership :D some of the seniors have like most of their necklace filled because of how many shows theyve done

heres another cat pic to keep you engaged and reading this /hj

also also also many many thanks to my wonderful actor and tech friends i would not survive without them (especially thanks to tech bc they have to put up with us actors... /hj) its poseidon's actors first show i think and they have a LOT of quick changes so their section of the rack is,,, kind of a mess. also the lamp for the oracle scene has broken multiple times i think already... and i already left my make up bag out yesterday and my watch in the cubbies today TwT we are a hot mess

my graphic design teacher was acting today :D (the farmer in drive is a teacher role, and they switch out every night) and i love him being so absolutely perplexed by the energy circle before show :333

also i remembered to put setting powder on for the first time,,, and... i forgot that my mom is SO much paler than me TwT (i was very washed out...) so ill probably stick to spray for the rest of the week :P

sorry i really am rambling tonight...

ok i will probably hopefully do at least one more update after strike on sunday!! (depending on how tired i am,, i might just curl up on the floor and sleep after the sunday show actually...) unless something goes horribly wrong,,, then ill probably post about it too

good night!! i need to collapse in bed and try to save up enough energy for tomorrows show :3

have a wonderful day/night and remember to hydrate! (or you'll die straight...)

[purpledaisiesthings]

recently finished binging rivals. declan & cameron have me in a chokehold right from their first introduction! The way they slowly begin to respect each other- the fact he even asks whether he should save the northern Ireland til later for the big Thatcher interview like hello ep1 declan would never have asked her. Read the book- ngl this is one of the rarer cases where the series is so much better than the book(certain plots/character arcs so underdeveloped). Their chemistry is hinted at in the book too which makes for v buzzy s2 theories (she has some interesting narration). Personally I think (hope) she ends up going to declan to help deal w Tony (or by coincidence)- like morally righteous declan putting his principles aside for her?! Oh I deffo think itll be the she falls first but him harder trope. Sidenote what did u make of the patrick relationship? Personally the celestial light thing was cringe🙄(in the book he acc does hav a gf who's at the party when they kiss lmao messy) I cant acc fathom how she would take him srsly I do love a ice queen x himbo/golden retriever x black cat trope but it's not giving. From cameron pov I see his words of affirmation & willingness to fight for her being endearing-smthn shes not really had before. But again I cant see it lasting. Also tho declan is obvs the better parent both he & Maud are selfish parents (him more unintentionally) putting his career first so taggies had to grow up fast. The angst potential of declan putting his sons feelings first before his own dreams- didnt taggie say smthn about how ruthless he can be when he wants something? Ahh this is so messy I love it. I sooo need them to be a slowish burn they have such potential. Sorry to just leave this word vomit in ur inbox they got me bad- the idea of the book crumbs being in s2 has me shaking crying throwing up!! Enjoy the rest of ur day boo♡

Anon, this just made me so happy. Sometimes I don't know if I'm crazy in some of the people I ship and now that you've said all this, I'm definitely going to read the book. I didn't know that the book also hinted at their chemistry.....I'm so excited 😁

Imagine the angst we would get if they go that route with them. It's going to be so messy and complicated and I'll be seated for all of it 😄

They definitely have the potential to be a slow burn.

Honestly, when it comes to Patrick, I'm with you. I'm not entirely opposed to them but I'm not obsessed like I am with her and Declan. I don't know if Patrick challenges her (in a good way) like it would be with Declan. He kinda mellows her down. But I do see how it can be endearing like you said.

I was thinking that she might try to go to Rupert about the Tony situation at first but because he was rather preoccupied with Taggie in the kitchen, somehow she ends up going to Declan?

Idk but there's so much potential with those two.

Now I'm just waiting on the season 2 announcement 😭

[eatinurgutz]

oh my love, you’re ok! 🤍 i am so glad… ive been painfully worried about you the past few days. i haven’t been able to make it too clear since ive been busy.. but I really have been so so worried. :( i hope you’re doing better, and i hope things are ok for you right now. 🤍

the idea of having fun together and doing things together is so so.. wonderful. even just parallel play, or just talking while we play games together… im getting butterflies just speaking about it. 🤍 there is a little bit of a problem with venting to you, my dear.. it would probably give me away, as i tend to vent quite a bit in love letter, and even sometimes on my tumblr. not a crazy amount, id like to think. but there’s a chance it would give me away. but, either way, i appreciate you offering that to me my dear. once you know who i am, i will tell you everything. 🤍

do not fret about short responses or late responses my dear. as long as we get to speak. as long as i know that you’ve seen me. 🤍 i know you’ve been struggling my dear, i really have been missing watching you on love letter and on tumblr. :( but you are back, and well. that’s all that matters. that’s adorable, we could be little ghost buddies together! 🤍 endlessly wandering the world together.. how romantic.

oh my dear, you aren’t “lucky”. you are the way you are, and that’s why i am here. this isn’t a stroke of luck.. you are yourself, and that’s why i am here. in my eyes you are perfect, despite any flaws. my heart yearns to know more about you, honestly more about all of you… i do know you’re part of a system. ^^ i have only been addressing you, nik, but if i am to be an important part of your life one day; i would like to get to know everyone. 🤍

oh my goodness.. you’re imagining a future with me. 🤍 i could melt. you are absolutely wonderful. i just want to fall to my knees and hold onto you and never let go.. cuddling, i would absolutely love to cuddle with you. of course i care enough.. you are my muse. you made me start writing again, you caused me to believe in love again.. i remember when you got your first anon on love letter (i believe it was your first.. i can’t quite remember. i was not an og member of love letter). i was so angry. i just watched on the sidelines.. “why couldn’t it be me?” “only i can be that for nik.” now im here.. writing you letters. haha, i guess i ended up being right. she wasn’t good for you.. but i am, my dear. 🤍

im glad you like reading!! maybe i can buy you some books. do you have an amazon wish list? i also quite enjoy reading, though ive been slacking.

oh my gosh.. i absolutely love Christmas, which means i love Christmas movies. i think i do prefer the more cartoony ones.. i love a Charlie Brown Christmas. My all time favorite is Nightmare before Christmas.. yes i count it as a Christmas movie, so what? :(

oooo, questions from my muse 🤍 ill do my best.

1. my timezone is CST.

2. i actually don’t watch too much anime.. but if i did have to choose, i love saiki k. it’s one of the only anime’s i regularly watch.. there are so many that ive been recommended that i need to see. i also remember watching haikyuu.. that was quite good.

3. i actually already gave it away in this letter.. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. maybe it’s just nostalgia.. maybe it’s the fact that christmas is such a family-oriented time of year.. it brings me so much joy.

thank you so much, my dear. i wait patiently for your response. 🤍

love, coco ☕️

I'm sorry i have had you worried about me! I've been busy as well, so it's okay if you get busy! I know. . I would love to do absolutely anything with you, coco. We could paint, watch movies, go shopping, watch operas, cuddle, or whatever you like. <3 You don't have to vent to me, if you think itll give you away! But if you're having a bad day, lmk. I'll try to cheer you up. It's okay to be sad, but i wanna see you smile too. :) I think I'll probably join LL back, later. Most of these other yandere servers aren't the same. . . :") plus i wanna gush about you somewhere you can see! When we talk, i kinda just lay there and kick my feet like a silly school child with a crush. . . I love when we get to talk, even if its not alot. :) i love when you say such good things about me in these letters! It makes me feel important, and wanted. I'm sure the other system members would love to get to know you! :3 as some of them front more than others, they have seen me talk to you! :) Although i have something to say- I'm really sorry i don't write as much as you do. In your letters you write alot and mine aren't even that long. . . I hope that doesn't upset you. :( im very bad at writing about my feelings and using the correct words. I'm trying to write as much as i possibly can, because i dont want you to feel im not trying enough, because i am trying my best. I don't want you to find someone else to anon, but if you were too, i wouldn't stop you. I want you to be happy, as happy you can be, even if its not with me. 🤍 I've always been used to being a second option, when i was younger. Although I've found myself doing it to others, i feel bad for it. I don't want you to think you're not enough like how i used too, with past relationships. I am quite over dramatic, extremely sensitive, controlling and i act like a child. I want to try my best to be good for you, and be everything you want and need. I am. . . (idk the word for it, but i do without thinking) and im afraid one day i could make a decision that would hurt you or us. I wouldn't want to do that, if i ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable or feel sad, please let me know. 🤍 im not the best with communication, so ill try for you, coco. Im sorry about my first anon, shes no longer in my life, so don't worry about that. Also, i wouldn't want you spending money on me, as it would make me feel bad for it, but as soon as i get a job, maybe we can try buying things for each other, so it would be more fair. :) i do also like Christmas, but mostly just the food. . . :") i want to get a job before then, so i can buy you something! 🤍 i do like the charlie brown Christmas movies too and nightmare before Christmas! You remind me of sally. <3

1. Alright then! As is mine.

2. I've never watched either of those. . . :") but maybe we could watch one together? Im also not big on anime, but thats okay. :3

3. I really hope we can spend Christmas together, then. I wouldn't mind that at all. . . It would make it even more wonderful, to spend my Christmas with someone who i love and care for. If only there was a mistletoe we could kiss under. (๑¯ิε ¯ิ๑)

[kaiserkisser]

HEY BABEEEE hope youre feeling well (if its okay to call you that?? PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF IT ISNT) i saw you had a fever☹️ jm so sorry i havent been in your inbox lately this week has been SO crazy i couldnt even begin to lore drop for you. Tell me EVERYTHING thats been going on as soon as you feel well enough to okay??

Also i got your oc ask!! Im so sorry i totally forgot to tell you!!! I. Legitimately am trying to figure out how to use my screenreader for you in this very moment so i can read it just because my eyes are really bad at reading and i wanna learn about her so bad!!!!’ Promise promise promise i will answer so soon dyslexia just got the best of me😭✌️ from what i CAN read though she is a kickass character and i would love to hear every thought you have about her

I love you SOOOOOOOOO MUCH have an amazing friday hon!! Tell me how your day goessss

HELLOO DARLINGGG (OFC OFC ITS FINE DW AND LMK IF UR FINE WITH BEING CALLED THAT TOO! i usually like to ask before using nicknames so i dont accidentally make anyone uncomfy! <3) and the fever is gone thankfully!! somehow i have a cold now?? but eh whatever itll be gone soon im sure heh AND OMG IVE TOLD U NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE???? I UNDERSTAND SJDJEJEH if you apologize one (1) more time for not being able to drop by istg- (im being a hypocrite but wtv this is about YOU!!!) and when is your life NOT crazy tbh /j/j im ALL EARS if you wanna talk about your week omg

ITS ALRIGHTTT and i see i see no need to say sorry tis totally fine!!! huh wait ill see if i can scan the pages and make it into text bc i think thatll be easier to read than blurry handwriting 💀💀 bc i dont think ill actually be able to write all that into a doc bc of uh this essay writing comp that i have to write over the weekend along with coaching n extra school + 10 DAYS FOR THE EXAMS????! IM SO SO UNPREPARED HOLY FUCK IDK BIO AND I HAVENT EVEN TOUCHED GEO AND HISTORY IM DEAD i am SO dropping these subjects after this grade djhshshdhdj

UNO REVERSEE I LOVE YOU SO SOOOOOOO MUCH TOOOOOOO you have an amazing friday too!! (I think itll be like vv early morning rn for you when im answering this?)

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Dave Strider

Act 5, page 3204

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: dave!!!!!!

GG: any dave out there please listen!

TG: this is a dave out there whats up

GG: dave i just saw you, and you were dead!

GG: you were in a green suit and covered in blood, oh god it was terrible :(

GG: if that was a future dave you have to make sure that doesnt happen!!!

TG: it wasnt a future dave he was from a while ago

GG: oh

GG: i am confused :o

TG: sorry you had to see that

TG: but dont worry it was just a doomed dave no big deal really

TG: i was swindled into splitting time paths along the way and that guy got the dead end of the stick

TG: ill be fine

GG: ok...

GG: i am still not sure i get that!

GG: but i guess i am relieved?

TG: yes you are go ahead and be relieved

GG: wheeeew! there i just was

TG: nice

GG: how did that poor dave die?

GG: was it jack?

TG: yeah

TG: hes pretty much the guy in charge of random teleportation murders right now

GG: D:

GG: what about your...

GG: um....

GG: oh no i dont even know if you know about this

TG: what

TG: my bro

TG: yeah jack killed him too

GG: ;_;

GG: is it something you would like to talk about

TG: not much to talk about

TG: this is some pretty serious existence threatening shit going down and some people are going to die i guess

TG: even crazy hard dudes like my bro slash weird covert biological ghost dad

GG: ghost dad???

TG: yeah roses too

TG: i thought john filled you in on the ectobiology stuff

GG: oh...

GG: yes he mentioned something about it

GG: i guess i didnt realize its full implications....

GG: but time was short when we talked!

TG: bottom line is were all related slimewise except you and me and him and rose pairways respectively

TG: makes the shipping chart pretty simple here hang on while i dig up that piece of shit karkat made

TG: where the fuck did that thing go

TG: fuck it never mind

TG: just imagine something ugly made by a jackass

GG: ugh i forgot i still have to get back to him

GG: its like a big unpleasant chore hanging over my head D:

TG: i guess

GG: anyway dave im really sorry about your bro/dad

GG: you were pretty close with him right?

TG: meh it was a pretty bizarre relationship by any standard

TG: fightin off wave after wave of face pumicing puppet ass every day

TG: always being on guard for stealth attacks in the middle of the night while getting up to go to the fucking bathroom

GG: heheh

TG: but i guess it all sorta amounted to some vague unspoken semblance of kinship

TG: if thats a thing

TG: like if honor among thieves is something then lets call it camaraderie among ironic rapping roof ninjas

TG: but thanks

GG: sure

TG: i thought about taking his sword

TG: when i was there

TG: but i couldnt

TG: couldnt really bring myself to try to pull it out it was too weird

GG: dave we have to stop him!!!!!

TG: what

GG: jack!

GG: he shouldnt get away with this

TG: you think

GG: yes

GG: why dont you stop jumping around through time like a maniac and stop being like a hundred daves all the time and come to my house so we can make a plan to kill him??

TG: well id like to

TG: but im still trapped in the chronologistics of this fuckin one man ballet

TG: there are loops outstanding and if i step out of line you get to see more bloody daves

TG: im getting pretty sick of it but i think itll be over soon

TG: then ill break out and ride linear the rest of the way i think

TG: once its time to put the end game in motion

TG: til then youre on your own for a while

GG: oh :(

TG: besides we cant beat him

TG: look what he did to bro and davesprite together

TG: im at the top of my echeladder with all the fraymotifs and i stand no chance

TG: johns even better than that even though he doesnt know it at the moment

TG: and he stands no chance either

TG: only thing we can do is hold out until the scratch

GG: what is the scratch?

TG: guess i shouldnt really say

TG: since you sort of lead the way in making that plan

GG: really??

TG: yeah well

TG: suffice to say

TG: if we cant beat him

TG: all we can really do is exile him to a place where he cant teleport back

TG: which hopefully buys us some time

TG: to try to take out his power source in a crazy suicide mission

GG: hmmmm...

GG: so was that like a hint?

GG: about what im supposed to do :D

TG: kinda

GG: well maybe im just being naive...

GG: but a crazy suicide mission does not sound like the ideal solution to me!

GG: are you suuuure we cant beat him?

GG: i dont know if we should rule it out!

TG: well

TG: youre about to do what youre about to do

TG: and im not going to tell you not to

TG: i wont do the bullshit troll thing and tell you what youre going to do and then just dare you not to

TG: while knowing damn well you will anyway

TG: so ill just say

TG: whats next is up to you

TG: and if later you want to talk about it

TG: im here

GG: ok

GG: thanks dave!

[asbestieos]

hey its ur funny friend comin at you live from. bed room. thoughts on um um um um um um um um. kogamao. sorry i have propoganda to uphold. also if u dont mind id like to hear ur thoughts on hiyojun :]

h ih i hi h ih i h i hi hi h i h i h i h ih i h i lvoenyou awlways i like seeing you on my dash always forever and ever )picks you up like a pikmin and sets u on my desk inder my lamp to study)

kogamao

(chef’s kiss) two independent boybosses…. finding out koga’s nickname for mao was a delight HELP boy is calling his own luvr forehead </3 i love gay people they just tear into each other with no qualms! theres something about them both being self-sufficient (mao because hes like rei 2.0 in the sense that everyone relies on him and he juggles Too Many responsibilities; koga because hes literally on his own, chasing his dream after the idol who inspired him graduated) that makes me sad. sadness should be abolished by the thought of them hanging out. they check in with each other to make sure the other doesnt fucking conk out from the stress of Doing Things By Themself. they respects each other 👊 theyre a casual thing they get to be silly teenage boys when theyre together ok no more being normal :insanity: i need them to be geeky dorks together i need them to remind each other that theyre 17 and its one day at a time and you do not in fact have to be on the 24/7 grind to be alive. i know theres a lot of mess and a lot of relationships in enstars but these two should get to be messy together does that make sense am i understandable. they need to stumble through a relationship because neither of them have any idea what theyre doing and how long itll last :insanity: they need to have fun trying out the love thing :insanity:

unrelated i still go crazy thinking about how koga trained tori and makoto and was so kind to alkaloid hes just like. secretly very very nice and nurturing (read: not on surface level) to younger people 🥹 even if he scares the shit out of everyone he trains 💔

hiyojun

theyre like kanajun except way more annoying i cares for them much. the way jun is so incredibly done w hiyoris shit on a daily basis… thats poor boy/rich girl love baby!! theyd be the couple in high school making out in the school halls when its time to switch classes. or the couple at school football matches arguing bc of some bullshit drama. idk what happens in high school anymore its been 2 years 💔 they remind me of this couple i knew in hs, they would like constantly be either loveydovey or hate mode like im talking theyd be blushing and ohemgee’ing one period and the next theyr spouting literal vitriol (or it might just be my personal experience w the one person in the relationship) it did end in disaster, thats what happens when a theater boy and a stagecrew girl date 💔 sorry for going on a tangent for hiyojun i just think theyre neat rn.. hiyori brings jun along to pretty 5 sleepovers and calls him his cringefail purse doggy

honest opinions ship ask game

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.

[righteousimperator]

vent please ignore

mm no but seriously i am . so Not good right now and i dont want to tell Anyone i dont want Anyone to know so instead im going to type into tumblr like some god forbidden freak in hopes itll make me feel less shitty. why does nothing feel right NOTHING FEELS RIGHT ! nothing feels right right now music doesnt sound good and i just feel Bad but then i feel really good for a little while and then i just feel Bad again and i............ i do not know what to do . ive been so close to doing things i never imagined i could even THINK of doing lately that its been driving me fucking mental. i dont know what it is maybe im having some sort of breakdown? i dont know i really dont! nothing feels right i dont feel right my whole body feels out of sync and wrong and my joints hurt nothing is satisfying nothing is enjoyable i just feel irritated . music is shitty shows are boring the lights are too bright people are too much i just want. sometihng i want something that feels alright . and im being selfish i know im beign selfish i always am selfish i cant seem to be normal about one single damned thing like oh can i not make it about myself for oncce? just once can i act like a regular person but no. no i have to drag everything out and go mad and do stupid shit and THIS is what drives people away its the crazy bullshit tangents i go on it;s the dramaticism like everything is the worst and im the victim and im doing it again i know i am it sucks it sucks! why do i always do this? im driving him away and i cant stop it i cant stop him and i mscared im scared its happening i just need something to control i need to feel in control or to be controlled i cant keep it up like this i think ill lash out if i dont sort myself out soon . im so trapped im trapped in my own head in my own feelings and nothing is making it better everything is making it worse.

[livecharliereaction]

Ill probably make charumiq2 for next ep for easier navigation for meeee But yeah thats done now thats um aaahahahha

- bernkastel showed up i am so happy. YAY! So many mentions of this lambdadelta i kind of thought shed be satoko somehow but im not seeing it rn well see when she shows up

- i rly hope the witches wont stay as only ????? characters n get weaved into the main story but guess what im like 100% sure thatll happen at least somehow but i dont know how. Miss bern said shed help me YAYYY! So nice of her

- i can rly see what ppl mean when they say it starts slow though it wasnt a problem for me bcs i liked the characters in the family already but i can totally see it being a problem for someone else Bcs like i knew theres witches. So theres the whole "ooh u think itll be a regular murder mystery but its fantasy" "is there a 19th person ooh" Well that just doesnt happen at all. However smth ive been noticing about wtc that although theres always secrets and thus always reveals theres SO MANY mysteries that the story doesnt rly lose THAT much if u know smth (But its still important to me that i get to know things in the order the author wants me to like in general so spoilers r still being crazy avoided...)

- i had the theory that beatrice was very young when kinzo met her and was traumatized by his "love" and then died and her spirit is sort of haunting the mansion but its not entirely clicking what that would be so im ditching it for now

- i know tea party and ????? cant be taken tooooooooo seriously but theyre the main reason i dont think that anymore See Im kind of doubting the existence of a human beatrice altogether. Sure bernkastel was kinda rikaing around but it seems too complicated to compare it to that so no way

- I still cant forget lambdadelta sharing some resemblance to satoko (from the shit that i saw BEFORE i was avoiding spoilers Im talking very very slight like rly just hair n eye color) but i feel like we wont see her in the next ep at all. Im imagining (hoping) each ep might have a new witch in it. I cant imagine the gold thing going all the way through 8 eps so... (Bcos What riddle takes that long.)

- Favs r still maria and natsuhi from the human side at least Like that didnt change. And i doubt it would I also like jessica a lot i do

- motherhood goes crazy Natsuhi and Jessica i could die and also marias lack of motherly love rips me apart

- Im very curious about the physics of this though or i mean like What now? Are we going back in time? If so how much????? Im kinda imagining its just kinda similar all over again but with different sacrifices each time but the ways that can be done r hmm. Someone else might try to do as the epitaph says and thus killing people but yeah.

- Not to be battler but if ep1 were to actually be a humans doing itd be maria (u know) natsuhi (absolutely not sorry for even saying it queen but she was running around w the rifle and all and had a lot of control over some situations) or kinzo (its easiest to believe that corpse wasnt really Him out of the corpses The toe thing isnt convincing to me but theres the problem of Ok whose body is it charlie? and i wouldnt know)

- Excited and baffled it was 12 hrs i feel like i started it what maybe this week idfk School starts again so i have to slow down the pace but thats ok...

- I thought the role of "the witchs messenger" might change too but i kind of hope its just marias job each time i liked the way she did it shes so fun

- no clue abt the rules of this world yet but im excited bcs theyre spelling it out to Think about it so u know it wont be obvious I dont even think i Can make a good guess rn

- natsuhi save me

[mirtifero]

I dont typ e it because i lack the emergy ans my head hirts. Funnn fun fun fun fun i want to kill myself i wished i was dead isnt it funnt isnt it so fucking funny i love saying that bevause it doesnt feel serious right everyone feels rhat everyone doed ! Why would you care if i said i was going to kill myself. Im a hysteric little bitch an annoying ass teenager i think too much i live in my own dumb world and jmahine things tjay arw nkr eeal ams make everyone angrynat em and eberuone LEAVES Isnt that funy isnt it. It is funny it has to be. Kt need s to be funnt. Im hysteric and thats why no one tales me seirlusly . If i wastn tlike this people would take me seriously. Ah yes thank you for your interesting imput nook ineed to say it like a weird bitch i cannot be normal for fucjs asake i thi k im always rigth i thing k im always correct and i al2aus always need everyothing to be funnt and good and everything has to have hope i. Jt because it NEEDS to because otherwise i will DIE. the ghosts of people who left because thwy couldnt care leas about ne haunt me and j think abkut them coming back and laughing at me all the time. Everyone laughts at me. Its so easy to laugh at someone whk wants to be funny all the time. Isnt it funny. I find it funnt. Im laughing rght now. Shsoukd ng i?every noght i dream i cant speak i cant breathe i cant move and everuone laughs at me and everyone thisnks im crazy. And every dream i see people loving me and laughing bevause they KNOW they wont coome backk they are GONE . I cant do anything right

Its been 24 days since winter break statterx. 24 days. 24 days and i STILL FWEL LIKE THIS. I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS. AJBQQNBS ISNT IT AMAZING. ????? . GOD IM SO STUPID.

Im just on my period oh im just a teenager oh itll pass im justt FINE. EVERYONE feels like this. Everyone has a perdect body and perfwct everything and looks in the mirror and feels like a hysteric ugly weak bitch and thinks why am I even trying. I habe what? More than a year clean. Provavly more than one year and a half. And i still dream about cutting myself in front of people i think about BEGGING to be listened to I dream of BEGGING to be HEARD.

But my psychologist is right everything is OKAY

I'm just a teenager.

It will go away

I need to wait

I need to wait

I' normal im just like any other girl.

Perhaps as hysteric as any other girl. As fake as any other. Im just like the ones who bullied and abused me.

I just need to wait

EVERYONE feels like this. EVERYONE commits suicide in most of their dreams. EVERYONE is horrified and thinks about how everyone is going to leave them. EVERYONE WANTS TO DIE. AND EVERYONE. EVERYONE. IS STUPID AND WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER BE LISTENED TO BECAUSE THEY ARE A HYSTERIC PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHO CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IS JUST EMBARRASSING AND EMBARRASSING AND A LITTLE KID WHOS EMBARRASSING TO EVERYONE AND I AM JUST TROUBLE AND I AM just. I just. I wanted to have just died back then. I wanted to have just died before I discovered that life can be better. I didn't need hope. I feel forever tired. No amount of winter breaks will fix this. No growing up will. And if it will I'll kill myself for it. Because it's just too embarrassing to lie. And I'm not lying. I'm not. I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself if I was lying. I'm not lying. I'm not exagerating im not being dramatic im not im not im not i just want people to HEAR me. I just want to be heard. Please. Please . Please. Please. Im so sorry. Please. Please. I hate myself and all that i get embarrassed for. I hate evrything i am. I hate how i cant seem to do anything. Im a liar. Im a liar im a dirty liar. Please. Please.

[sflksjlksflksj]

personal diary

day 3 of remembering to write. things at home seem to be doing better. I tell my husband alot of whats on my mind when i am struggling and he always does his best to help me. He’s a huge workaholic. If he doesnt have work he is doing things around the house, doing yard work or helping me clean and upkeep the house. He only gets like at most 2 days off a week and his past 3 days off he has spent it mostly with me and just being there for me instead of doing stuff and it has helped me alot. Sometimes i need days where we are just cuddling and going with the flow. I think alot of my issues with newer/younger couples is that i feel like me and him will never have those same moments again and that makes me envious and feel like we arent soulmates. I know we are soulmates. i just lose myself in family life sometimes and need him to breathe fresh air into me so i can focus on myslef and not my surroundings. I hate his brother and i wish i didnt as much as i do. I hate him so much that seeing him be a 19 year old drop out isnt good enough for me. I hate that his mother got him a car. i hate that he has never held down a job longer than a few weeks. I hate that he dates around like crazy and brings these girls home for days to even weeks at a time. it feels like for me at least, me and his brother got the shit end of the stick when it comes to when we first started dating. His mother was always shaming us or critisizing us and we had jobs and were doing shit. But his brother is smoking weed and ditching school and she is buying him dinner everynight and...well at least thats how i feel. i know my feelings are exaggerated more than 86 percent of the time so i need to get over it. talking things out with my husband helps a load but it helps alot to write it down too and see how far ive matured and far ive come. I have kept multiple diarys before on laptops and computers but it was always private and i always lost them when i sold/broke the computers so itll be nice to have sometjhing thatll be online forever and i can look back on. i know i have matured alot but i also have gone downhill in some other aspects. for instance i have been drinking alot more, like 4-5 days out of the week i mix vodka into juice and drink like 7-10 cups. Not good at all. i have never gotten drunk and thats what started this drinking was that i wanted to get drunk once and it didnt work so every night ive been drinking here and there and now its becoming a destress thing and i hate it. i dont need alchohol but im feeling like i am starting down that road and i dont know how to stop exactly. Ill set out not to buy any and then ill just ask my husband to pick some up and he always is up for it. i dont know. when i drink i do care alot less about those thoughts in my head. I was able to acutally sit on the couch and talk and vibe with my mother in law while i was drunk. i know i am being stupid. my mother in laws ex husband was a alchohlic and i am sure she can see any signs of someone intoxicated. she hasnt said anything to me and we have been getting along great since then. i love my kids so much and i am so unhealthy currently. the worst i have ever been. and not only am i the fattest i have ever been but now i am drinking and i am so scared of now being able to do better. ive been talking for weeks about going on a diet but i have no fucking self control or discipline to do it and i hate so much how good i am at dissasociating with my problems. i hope i can get better with time man. i am hoping that as i grow and mature ill get some fucking self control. ive been able to reign myself in mentally sometimes when i find myself going off on unhealthy tangents in my head but again, it doesnt work for long and i always end up thinking the same way within minutes. i am going for a week to visit my dad and my step mum and let them see the boys and i am hoping there i can quit this drinking and possibly not binge eat shit and that can be my little taste of being the responsible adult i hope to be soon.