#if I was severely depressed. had to see so many people die. was forced to live bc my brothers life depended on me. then was left ALONE

[romantichopelessly]

“Was Ronan justified in his actions in td3?” “Should Declan/Adam/etc have forgiven Ronan after td3?” I’m team ecoterrorism isn’t even that bad.

[hana-no-seiiki]

Can you write something about yaoshi?thou their design is very pretty (⁠●⁠’⁠3⁠)⁠♡⁠(⁠ε⁠`⁠●⁠)

Let's say we're their fav human/god

I hope this makes sense

We don’t know much about the Aeons yet, so don’t expect this to be an accurate representation of what Yaoshi acts like. I’ll give ya two versions (human and aeon reader).

(YANDERE?) YAOSHI x READER (ft. Other Aeons)

warnings: ddne, mind break, power imbalance, massive age gap & infantilization(for the human section), yandere themes in general, somnophillia.

note: from what i read in yaoshi’s lore what i wrote feels like something the canon character would do hence the question mark

status: unedited

STORY ONE : TO LIVE IN ABUNDANCE | Doctor ! Reader

I.

Yaoshi could not fathom why one would not wish for eternal life. Life was the most beautiful thing in existence. Wondrous, with a diversity one could not begin to imagine. Yet, there exists people who desire for existence to come to a halt, many who wish for their teachings and gifts to end.

You were one of those people.

Despite your occupation as a doctor, you believed that every patient had a right to choose their destiny. Whether it be to continue fighting for their lives or to die peacefully in their death beds, who were you to decide what happens to them? You were only the nurturer and provider. Even the best doctor in their field has to let go of a patient when it came down to it. For life is only beautiful, meaningful when it has to diminish one day.

And in spite of your beliefs, Yaoshi decided to bless you to join him in his path.

Your world was shaken.

Why were you of all people chosen by this Aeon?

Sure, you were fully dedicated to career. But if anything, your views were more aligned to the Archer Lord of Fate. You have had many Mara strucken, the victims of Yaoshi’s ‘gifts’, pass away before your very eyes. Beasts who have long lost their minds and ability to choose what future they’ll follow. If you had a choice, without a heartbeat

Several millenia pass with you never aging. Generals that ruled come and go.

And now, because of their so-called kindness, you were banished from Xianzhou. Your home. Thrusted into the embrace of space and void,

and none other than the Aeon that doomed you.

“Child. You have come home at last.”

II.

If you were born into a different culture, perhaps a planet that worshipped the Aeon before you, maybe then you would be elated with your current happenstance.

But this was not the case unfortunately.

You spend around a decade filled with hatred and anger. Hurling the most venomous words and even attempting to harm their being. Of course, none of your actions do anything to help your situation.

A century was spent trying to convince them to let you go, to rescind their blessing and leave you to live your life as a mortal.

They refused, stating that it would saddened them to lose you.

It gets close to another century with how long you spent in tears. For the loss of your loved ones that had left you to go to the afterlife. For the situation you were forced into. As you cried and cried, all Yaoshi could do was embrace you using their many arms. It was a peculiar feeling at first but unfortunately became comforting soon enough.

And after all that you finally gave in.

Yaoshi did not seem surprised at all. In fact what awaited your complete acceptance was a gentle smile. One akin to a parent seeing their child come back home after running away in a fit.

“We can finally begin the preparations.”

“For what?” Your voice, hoarse and abused by your depressed barely came out.

“For our wedding.”

iii.

You were used to their multi-armed touches, their inhuman way of showing affection towards you. But nothing could prepare you for the consummation.

You don’t remember anything. Throughout the whole process you were extremely disassociated to the point of being catatonic.

This, this was your life now. Stuck to a god as a human who has far outlived their expiration date. Slowly yet surely your mind corroded.

And even as your body was littered with the golden allure of ginkgo leaves, your freedom never came.

Yaoshi did end up releasing you from their grasp to roam the cosmos freely. People from all over the universe called you the Golden Wanderer, or the Sanctus Medicus Saint.

But what was the point?

Even with your endless fame and immortality. You were a dead man walking.

Waiting, hoping, that one day someone would grant you mercy a god of life and everything beautiful in it could not.

STORY TWO : TO DIE IN THE LIGHT | AEON OF DREAMS - IMAGINARY ELEMENT ! READER

i.

In the time humanity and civilizations began to rise. You were created within the womb of the universe representing a concept. Dreams. Though you most presided over preferable ones, you were known to give unending nightmares to those that slighted you and your domain.

In the grand scheme of Aeons, you were neutral. Never straying from the unbiased perspective of a god. Those that worshipped and favored you get rewarded, those that dirtied your name were punished.

For that you were often looked down upon by your fellow gods, seen as indecisive with your head literally and figuratively stuck in the clouds.

Yaoshi used to be one of them. They had a difficult time understanding how one could live without ever peeling their eyes to the grandiose aesthetics of the world.

They soon began to fall in love with your fair — beautiful and impartial — self.

And if those mara-struck beings were anything to go off of . . .

Their infatuation spelt your doom.

ii.

There you were. Your form shone brilliantly under the light of the moons and stars that seemed to dangle above you.

Even a god snored, and snored you did. But to Yaoshi this hoarse sound was music. No, even more than that.

It was a reminder that throughout the eons, you two are alive. Together. Breathing.

Yaoshi visited your slumbering body frequently to the point that it became a risk. That Lan would sometimes stand guard over you in case they would come, or have the Xianzhou oversee your vicinity. Not many mortals can hold up against the Aeon however, and if it meant having to go against their path in order to see you — the choice was obvious.

Their stays mostly consisted of performing lullabies and poetry of how both your and their followers adored your seemingly romantic partnership, to your blissfully unaware body.

At least that’s what they thought.

iii.

Contrary to popular belief, your most devoted of followers do not eternally sleep. Nor do the majority spend a lot of their sleeping. In order to spread your name, a lot chose to stay awake. Because if there was anything your true followers loved more than a good nap it was you.

As such, not known to many people or gods, you had a vast network of knowledge. A lot of what people learn and experience appear in dreams, and once the more fantastical ones were taken off the list, you were left with a near infinite amount of information.

Humans have also mastered a way of communion with you.

Case in point, you had long known about Yaoshi’s visits. You were the one that asked Lan to aid you. Breaking your self imposed rule of impartiality.

But all is for naught.

Misinformation had spread far too wide and the delusions Yaoshi infected the world with overpowered your truth.

Their acquisition of you was as tranquil and hurdle free as it could be.

While you were caged by Yaoshi, another Aeon swore to bring you back.

Ending life and therefore your deeply unconscious state. A state which they saw as involuntary. A cage infinitely worse than the Aeon of Harmony kept you in.

And the first Stellaron was born.

a/n: i imagine human reader, especially post yaoshi adoption, to be like a lifesteal-tank sort of abundance character. only ever healing(mostly themself) if they attack/hurt the enemy, which would go against what yaoshi wants. i might draw a design for them actually. the type that if you build well, won’t ever die. but any battle with them would take a really long time since their damage is pp in comparison to other characters at the very least.

[link to the design/drawing here if i ever finish it]

[here’s a link to another aeon related fic]

i wanted to include both versions here before i uploaded this even if the first one is so long cause i just know im never gonna write a part two if ever lol. and yes, the aeon in the last bit is nanook.

want more hsr fics/have an idea for one? send me an ask or submission ❤️

©️ hana.no.seiiki - yun | 2023

[fang-and-feather]

Ikemen Vampire - Isaac x OC x Jean - Soulmates AU

Planned to be a V relationship for now. this chapter is pre-relationship and focused on Amy, with some participation from Comte

Words: 1,057

Summary: Amy not only had two soulmate marks, a blurred mood mark that was always back and the other a zeroed timer, both somewhat faded. Until a trip to Paris and a mysterious encounter led her to go through a door that had her trapped in the 19th century. The timer now indicated she's met he soulmate, on a night she had contact with many new people. But who is it, and why does she have the second mark that still seems inactive?

I planned for this to be a full fic for my birthday ended up being just the short start of a series.

Next Chapter / IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist / AO3 Link

Everyone Amy knew had one clear soulmate link, be it a physical mark, a bond only them could see or even a more spiritual connection. They always knew there was this person out there that was made for them, no matter how they reacted to that knowledge.

She, on the other hand, had two different links, a blurred, tattoo-like one in her right wrist, that was supposed to be a mood mark but was always black, and a zeroed counter on the left, both of them quite faded.

Everyone around her was so confused, and ended up treating her with pity, because she would never meet that soulmate, or one of them would die, or other depressing explanations they came up with to explain her strange marks. Amy took to hiding them and pretending like she didn’t care to meet that soulmate.

As much as she would rather not lie, especially to her sisters, she couldn’t take that treatment anymore.

Until she had to take her clothes off for some reason, it was so easy to pretend she didn’t have these marks and didn’t care about it. To pretend she was one of the rare people who didn’t have soulmates. Easy to pretend her life was normal.

But this trip to Paris had been difficult. The city of love was like a flashing sign of what she didn’t have. To the point a chance meeting had her wishing she could just fall in love with someone else and move on. She would have jumped at the opportunity that encounter presented if that mysterious gentleman was actually her type.

Still he was quite curious. He had that air about him of a good puzzle to pierce together, and of memories she would rather forget, but she was drawn to anyway.

And that led her to that suspicious door, that reeked of dust and things forgotten, of time lost and shadows.

That was probably her imagination, though, and Amy walked in, determined to prove herself wrong. But the moment she stepped on the other side, she knew it was true, and that she had made a mistake, despite her superficial attempts at rejecting such a notion. Until proven otherwise. Then there was no more escape.

But at the time she cursed her luck, without realizing what it would bring her.

The day that changed it all started like a nightmare. She had several nightmares that night, with vampires, - Sebastian told her he was joking after saying everyone in the house was a vampire, but she had this sickly feeling that he wasn’t, - and with her past. Then Comte had insisted on taking her shopping - which Amy only agreed because she doubted in a month she wouldn’t have to go to the city once - which meant a fifteen minutes, hellish carriage ride.

“What is bothering you, chérie?”He had to notice, didn’t he? Amy bit her lip and clasped her hands together over her lap. “Still worried by being trapped in this time?”

“No.” Amy replied, without looking at him. “I’m fine, actually. Love a good adventure.” Wouldn’t be a lie, as long as it didn’t involve vehicle rides, or being otherwise trapped., both of which were currently true. She was forced on this adventure, trapped on this time period, and on a carriage, in a vulnerable moment in front of a stranger that might or not be a vampire, but that she didn’t fully trust either way.

“Then why are you so tense?”

“Not exactly looking forward to shopping, I admit. I don’t belong here, and pretending to fit in is not really my style.” Although sometimes necessary, it always bothered her.

“We can always get you something more comfortable to use at home."

It was hard to believe Comte was just that nice, but if he wasn't he could disguise it better than most people. She ended up giving him a weak smile and a nod. She doubted anything could be comfortable enough, but his willingness to understand her and at least try made her a bit emotional in that moment.

She was far anyway from anything she ever knew. Alone. And she had not made such a choice. Amy hated that and needed someone she could trust. She was willing to try trusting him for the time being.

Then came actual shopping. The shop Comte took her to was obviously on the more expensive side, which made her doubly uncomfortable. Comte, on the other hand, was way too excited about it, dismissing her concerns about the unecessary expediture and constantly pointing out things he thought would fit her.

And he kind of had better taste than she expected, finding what would maybe be her style if she had always lived in this century. In the end she managed to find something pretty reasonable to try on.

That led to her first change of clothes in this century - seeing that she had nothing to change into before - allowing for her gaze to fall on the easily spotted mark on her wrist, that now looked as clear as anyone else’s. Also, the counter had turned into the previous day’s date, with a heart at the end, a sign she’d met her soulmate then.

A weird surprised noise escaped her and in a moment Comte was on the other side of the curtain.

“Something wrong, chérie?”

“No.” She hurried to answer. “Everything’s fine. I’ll get out soon.”

But the sight remained in the front of her mind as she hurriedly got dressed. Who was her soulmate, then? There were eleven guys in that mansion. Well, technically ten, as she never actually met Jean d’Arc. How would she figure out who it was?

And was that why the mark had been all weird since it appeared? Because their first meeting wouldn’t be in her time?

Maybe it was for the best she didn’t figure it out though. Soulmate or not, she had to return to her time. She didn’t belong in this one.

So she tried to forget it, and enjoy her limited time in this weird adventure as best as she could. It was enough to know why this didn't work. That her dilema had an explanation.

Not everyone actually ended up with their soulmates. She could find her own happiness in the future knowing why she had to, right?

Tag List: @tele86, @nightghoul381, @natimiles, @bicayaya, @eventinelysplayground, @queengiuliettafirstlady

If you want to be tagged/untagged on future writings, you can reply to this post or send me a message

IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist

[kittenpower05]

essay time

I just got through urban plague (library of ruina) yesterday and I'm thinking so hard I am rotating it in my brain like a microwave you do not understand

I love dystopia!! I love commentary on humanity by highlighting negative aspects of society!! And I ESPECIALLY love when there is a moral implication to it!! Spoilers for wedge reception cutscene but

The conversation between Philip and Oscar hits so hard when you view it with all the perspectives and parallels goin on like,, Philip WANTS to go back and retrieve the books of his dead coworkers, he wants to be able to avenge them for their death, and though Oscar agrees to go with him, he brings up the point that inherently, that thought is selfish, and that trying to do something under the guise of it being for someone else is a dangerous mindset

And like..... looking at the City? It's not an entirely wrong stance to have! It can be argued that people arent inherently selfish, or it could even be argued that even with people's inherent selfishness that doesn't diminish the acts of good deeds/doing things for the sake of other people. But in the City, it's a dog-eat-dog world where people kill to survive, to make a living for themselves. The only way to move forward is to force someone else behind. You're trapped in oractically an endless loop of trying and failing to increase status in the city. In that sense, if you ARENT selfish, you're as good as dead. So in Oscars eyes, trying to justify actions under the guise of emotion or for the sake of someone else forgoes safety, it puts oneself at risk, it can lead people blindly into situations they can't handle anf get themselves killed over something they shouldn't have placed upon themselves.

And especially seeing Roland and Angela's commentary on it as well!!! Angela is against it obviously because she was hurt by this mentality!!! Ayin had her trapped in a basement, repeating the same day over and over and over for YEARS. She wasn't even given a happy end for all of her hard work since she wasn't deemed significant enough for one- she was forgotten in favor of all the other sephirot getting their character growth and happily ever after. It doesn't matter to her that Ayin was following Carmen's dream in hoping to cure humanity and fix depression or whatever- Angela and the sephirot and all the employees of lob corp had to suffer for it. Enjecting them with drugs to create horrid creatures, living in the same timeloop until the day turns out Just Right, is it worth it? At what point does the suffering of the few justify betterment for the many?

But even so this is not at all like the situation that Philip is going through! Angela had experienced a very severe case of this- Philip only wants to go back to the library in hopes of getting his friends books back. Yeah, there's the likelihood that he and the wedge order all die in the process, but he dies for his friends. That's honorable, right? After all, it was his fault in the first place so it's only fair that he does something to make up for that, right? Clearly Oscar disagrees- he's the head of an Extremely influential order, and if he went around helping anyone with what he sees to be a hero complex then he would quickly lose reputation, he would be overrun by lower class fixers with meaningless revenge requests.

I do have an opinion and many other thoughts on this argument- but that's not my point here! My point is that morality is extremely complex, and I love esp in dystopias when morality is discussed and characters clearly have a different view of it based on who they are or the experienced they've went through! The game has a clear stance on the topic and it's because of the setting that all of these characters are living in- and I think that's beautiful

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

i’m breaking down because i’m processing one of the major things that’s been keeping me depressed because of a poem written by my friend leaf @leafgorge so uh i’m just gonna vent for a minute. not really venting and more just writing my thoughts down to process them all better. tw for mentions of suicidal thoughts, sh thoughts, possible ed, depression

i’ve been in a deep depression for several weeks now

i’ve been breaking down and not sleeping and struggling to eat and just constantly paranoid

constantly worrying about the state of the planet and if i’ll make it to adulthood and if i even deserve to exist in this world

it’s been reaching a point where my thoughts have been. very dark

i’ve wanted to hurt myself despite my mom saying it’s wrong. i’ve been willingly skipping some meals and just sleeping off my hunger instead. i’ve been forcing myself to research things that bother me as a pushment. just wasting away in my room berating myself for being tired and miserable instead of doing anything to help

i’ve been watching my bones slowly become more visible on my body and all i think is “yeah, i deserve it.”

i’ve been becoming suicidal despite being extremely triggered by the topic. i’ve been telling myself that i’ll really end it all if something goes wrong, even though i know it would cause more harm than anything else

i’ve felt like i can’t talk to anyone. i tried to and the person in question wouldn’t listen when i tried to talk. it only made more stressed

and thus i haven’t had the ability to process my thoughts. i haven’t figured out what’s been hurting me. what’s been making me feel so fucked in the head.

until leaf put their poem out

it hit me that. that’s what’s been bothering me as well. i’m just scared

i’m scared of this world and the discrimination in it and i’m scared that i and many of my friends who are also queer or poc or disabled will fall victim to hate crimes or be killed

just because we exist

i just wanna live my life as a normal kid. but i’m scared to. i’m scared that any day i could wake up and my partner could be gone. or my best friend. or anyone i know

i’m so afraid of death and the prejudice in this world that i can barely handle living in it

i’ve felt like i’m not gonna make it to 16, let alone 18

but i want to

i desperately want to

but every day is so hard to push through and sometimes just the thought of waking up in the morning makes me feel sick

i have people who love me. who care about me. and i love them all too. more than i could ever express through words or pictures or anything

i love all of you more than anything

i wanna keep living for all of you. i wanna quit wasting away for all of you.

for noah. for arson. for jella. for rein. for leaf. for vickie. for francie. for isaiah. for rai. for cryptid. for starry and sydney and pebble and moon and all the friends i’ve made irl and online

i want to get better for all of you. i wanna be stronger for all of you.

i’m just scared that i’ll see another person who i loved so dearly die yet again

i’m so scared. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know who to talk to. all i know is i wanna keep living

i don’t want to die

i just need to figure out how to take that first step.

[aishangotome]

Main Story Chapter 17-17: The Third Bang (第三声巨响) | Light  and Night 光與夜之戀

Chapter 17-15

♡———♡

I opened my eyes to the sound of chirping birds.

It was my third day trapped here, my third day missing. Osborn must be worried sick. With a heavy heart, I walked towards the living room.

The person at the table had transformed into his teenage self, triggering a flood of memories.

Breakfast was ready. I didn't know why he did this day after day, but I didn't want to ask.

We sat in silence at opposite ends of the table, finishing our meal.

After clearing the dishes, he picked up the keys by the door, looking like he was about to leave.

You: I want to go out with you.

Only by going out would I have a chance to escape.

Osborn (Boy): You want to run away?

You: With you watching, how could I?

The boy didn't speak, just stared at me. I couldn't tell if it was suspicion, anger, or nothing at all in his eyes.

You: I just want to go for a walk. Staying cooped up in this room is depressing.

You: You don't want to see me miserable all the time, do you?

Perhaps my words were sincere enough, as the boy's pale green eyes lowered.

After a suffocating silence, he walked over and took my hand. Using some talent I didn't understand, he bound one of my wrists to his, like a prisoner.

Osborn (Boy): If you scream or shout, I can make you mute too.

His power was strong and domineering. Could I really break free from this restraint? I looked down at the almost invisible band of light on my wrist, my hope dwindling, yet unwilling to let it die.

He put on a baseball cap, then a hat and mask for me. Only after preparing everything did he finally open the closed door.

Breathing in the fresh air after so long, my heart wasn't filled with joy.

-

You: Where are you going today?

Osborn (Boy): To kill someone. You should have known that already.

You: But you didn't bring any weapons.

Osborn (Boy): Today's target doesn't require any.

So those people who died mysteriously were indeed murdered by him, and he knew I was aware of it.

You: I just don't understand, why are you avenging the victims?

Osborn (Boy): I'm not trying to avenge them. I just think those people deserve to die, so I kill them.

Osborn (Boy): Even if they didn't seek me out, I would still do it.

You: So, you're punishing them?

Osborn (Boy): I'm a murderer myself, and murderers don't get punished for killing.

Osborn (Boy): I just don't think people like that deserve to live.

Osborn (Boy): I saw people killed almost every day for the eight years I was locked up. But there was nothing I could do.

Osborn (Boy): When I got out, I started looking for the killers. Some of them were dead, some of them were alive.

Osborn (Boy): Once I accidentally saw one of them alive.

Osborn (Boy): I purposely walked very close to him, thinking he'd recognize me and be scared.

Osborn (Boy): Do you think he recognized me?

You: ……No.

Osborn (Boy): He said I was in his way and told me to move. In the end, I killed him.

Osborn (Boy): He was the first person I killed after I got out.

Osborn (Boy): Do you believe people can change?

You: Some can. Maybe not many, but some can.

Osborn (Boy): But I don't believe that anymore.

Osborn (Boy): A criminal can get a lighter sentence because of remorse.

Osborn (Boy): But if punishment is based on the severity of the crime...

Osborn (Boy): Then why are some people with minor crimes punished harshly?

Osborn (Boy): It became even harder to understand, and there are still people who sympathize with criminals and even make excuses for them. It seems like he had no choice and was forced to.

Osborn (Boy): But sometimes, these people will find all sorts of faults with the victim, as if they must prove that they deserved it.

Osborn (Boy): I could never figure it out, so I just killed them. I can't kill myself, but I can do it to them.

The boy in front of me mutters to himself, his body seemingly full of knots that cannot be untied.

His thoughts and actions are extreme, but his words are not entirely wrong.

I don't know what to say, so I just stay silent for a long time.

Osborn (Boy): What are you thinking?

You: I'm thinking that it's like I just met you today.

You: Are you going to keep going like this?

Osborn (Boy): I don't know, maybe.

You: Why?

Osborn (Boy): After I got out, I realized this world doesn't have much to do with me anymore.

He spoke plainly, as if talking about someone else, but for some reason, I felt he was also lost.

I felt myself becoming confused as well. What should I do with this person?

Osborn (Boy): By your expression, are you trying to save me?

He looked at me and smiled. I knew he looked down on the word "save."

You: I know you don't need it.

Osborn (Boy): Yeah, that's right.

Osborn (Boy): Since you're not going to save me, why not kill me? You didn't do it last night. Was it because you pitied me?

I was startled and almost tripped over myself. I thought I had been secretive enough. How did he find out?

What's even more incredible is that he's still talking about it so casually.

I tried to find some gentle words to excuse myself, but I couldn't. Faced with his calmness and honesty, I suddenly felt that my thoughts were unforgivable.

Osborn (Boy): Does pity really not include love?

You: Have you ever truly loved anyone? Family, romantic, or friendship, any kind of love.

He smiled indifferently.

Osborn (Boy): Didn't I say it? You.

His tone was light, and it made me a little angry. When will he finally drop his disguise?

You: Then you really are pitiful.

He finally put away that indifferent smile and looked at me quietly. But I inexplicably read some annoyance in his expression.

Osborn (Boy): What do you mean?

You: You don't actually like me.

Osborn (Boy): Says who?

You: You don't even care about yourself, how could you like someone?

You: To you, I'm just a trophy proving you won against Osborn, or a reward.

Maybe my words angered the boy in front of me. He suddenly quickened his pace. The hand tied to mine was pulled, and I stumbled and almost fell.

You: Slow down.

He ignored me and continued walking. I had to take big steps to keep up. A car suddenly rushed out from the corner. I quickly grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

He looked at the hand I was holding.

Osborn (Boy): This is the hand of a murderer. Maybe in two days, the blood won't wash off.

You: Why do you keep calling yourself a murderer?

Osborn (Boy): Because I am.

I thought to myself, it's because you're wallowing in self-pity. But I didn't say it out loud for fear of angering him.

You: You feel this way because you haven't come out of the shadows after being abandoned.

You: People who have been abandoned will doubt their own worth. Maybe you also look down on yourself because of this.

You: Or maybe the kindness in your heart doesn't forgive your actions and has already judged you too harshly...

Osborn (Boy): Are you acting in a drama? Thinking you can change someone with a few words?

He sneered, as if he hadn't listened to my words at all, his tone full of wariness.

I felt deeply disappointed and pursed my lips without saying a word. But he looked up at me, showing a thoughtful expression.

I didn't know how else to communicate with him. His bluntness cornered people, and my honesty was met with his avoidance.

For the rest of the way, our hands were tightly linked, but our hearts felt miles apart.

-

After an unknown amount of time, he stopped in front of a familiar door. When I realized where we were, I was horrified.

This was Ye Chuan's home! Was he going to kill Ye Chuan?! He knocked a few times. I desperately hoped Ye Chuan wasn't home.

However, the door creaked open.

Ye Chuan: Who are you looking for?

I was about to yell for him to close the door, but found myself unable to speak. By then, the boy had already spoken.

Osborn (Boy): We're from Yuda Academy, here to see Osborn's parents.

He smiled as he "introduced" himself, but his eyes were filled with hate.

Ye Chuan paused, looking at us suspiciously. The boy quickly took out a business card and handed it to him.

Osborn (Boy): We really are from the academy. Osborn has recently gotten into some trouble.

Osborn (Boy): So we're here to understand his situation at home.

Ye Chuan's expression changed drastically. Something seemed to surface from deep within his memory, and his face contorted in pain.

Ye Chuan: Please... come in...

We walked inside, and there was still a game console in the courtyard, just like the last time we came. Thinking about all the things that happened when I came here with Osborn, I almost burst into tears.

Osborn (Boy): You're thinking about him again.

I couldn't speak, I could only glare at him. The boy pulled me to sit down in the living room, Ye Chuan, who had entered the inner room, never came out again.

Osborn (Boy): You see, I told you he doesn't care at all.

As soon as he finished speaking, Ye Chuan's figure appeared in sight. He was holding a small cardboard box, stumbled to us, inside were several stacks of banknotes, it looked like he had saved for a long time.

Osborn (Boy): Mr. Ye, what are you doing?

Ye Chuan: Teachers, my son must be stubborn again, I know he has that kind of temper.

Ye Chuan: But I beg you, if he insists that he is not wrong, you must investigate clearly.

Ye Chuan: Although he has a bad temper, he is not confused, and he has a kind heart.

Ye Chuan: Thank you for coming here during your busy schedule, please help me give this trouble to the dean, thank you.

Osborn (Boy): Mr. Ye, you are thinking too much, our academy has always been fair.

Ye Chuan: I know, I know, I just don't feel at ease about him.

Ye Chuan: The child was sent to the academy without a word, I'm afraid he has resentment in his heart, but I can't see him.

Ye Chuan: As long as he has resentment, he will not eat or drink, he cannot treat himself like this when he is growing up.

The boy was stunned, Ye Chuan's words seemed to be completely unexpected to him.

Osborn (Boy): What are you talking about? Wasn't it you who sent him in?

Ye Chuan: Is that what he thinks?

Ye Chuan's face showed a painful expression, and tears welled up in his old eyes.

Ye Chuan: This child, how uncomfortable he must be feeling.

He seemed to have a lot to say, but in the end he just weakly lowered his shoulders.

Ye Chuan: It was too late when I found out, the juvenile detention center sent him directly.

Ye Chuan: I went to their director, but I waited in the hall for several days and didn't see him.

Ye Chuan: After asking for help from several circles, I finally found an admissions director, who said he would find a way to bring Osborn out.

Ye Chuan: But who knew that this director was a liar, not only did he cheat me of my money, but he also cheated many other parents.

Ye Chuan: Later, a parent said that he was going to report this to the TV station, and we submitted all the evidence, but the news was never released.

Ye Chuan: Teachers, I'm not saying anything bad about your academy.

Ye Chuan: You are a good place, but my child does not need discipline.

The boy kept looking at him indifferently, I don't know if there was really no disturbance in his heart.

Ye Chuan wiped away his tears and stood up as if he had thought of something.

Ye Chuan: Please be sure to give this money to the dean, I heard that if you give money, the child can eat better.

Osborn (Boy): Who told you that?

Ye Chuan: It's absolutely true, several parents have said so.

Ye Chuan: You are here today, so I don't have to give it to them, I can just give it to you directly.

Osborn (Boy): You also regularly send money to the academy?

Ye Chuan: Yes, we pay food and clothing fees regularly every month.

Ye Chuan: Although your academy is tuition-free, it is not easy to support so many children's food and drink.

Osborn (Boy): But what if the parents are lying to you?

Ye Chuan: You can't speak nonsense, their children are also in the academy. What parent doesn't love their child?

The corners of Ye Chuan's eyes opened with laughter, he turned and walked to the window sill to look for something, muttering that the academy would regularly send him photos of the children. But in the end, he couldn't find it, and shook his head in frustration.

The boy stared at Ye Chuan's back motionlessly, his brows furrowed slightly.

I couldn't help staring at him, hoping in my heart that he had changed his mind.

I suddenly remembered that night, Osborn told me that at first he also thought it was Ye Chuan who sent him to the academy.

He must have been extremely disappointed that the person who treated him the best betrayed him. But fortunately, he later left the academy and got the truth from Ye Chuan.

But the boy in front of him has not been able to leave there.

Ye Chuan: I forgot to make tea for you, it's good tea, I'll go right away, you sit down.

We watched him busying himself, his back was sad.

I looked at the boy beside me, wanted to speak, but still couldn't make a sound.

Osborn (Boy): I know what you want to say. It's a little touching, but he's just talking.

I don't understand why he insists on seeing Ye Chuan this way, and stubbornly forces himself to believe it.

Ye Chuan came over with two cups of tea and several plates full of food, for fear of neglecting us.

Ye Chuan: Teachers, please don't be so formal, our home is a bit far away, and know it's hard to come here.

He didn't sit down the whole time, just standing in front of us so restrained.

Ye Chuan: Um, I'm sorry, but seeing the two teachers today, I still want to beg you again.

Ye Chuan: Can you let me see him? Just five minutes.

Ye Chuan: I know you are militarized management, so parents and children are not easy to meet.

Ye Chuan: But I haven't seen him for too long, I don't know if he has enough food and drink in the academy, and I'm afraid he will suffer in it.

Ye Chuan: Just now I learned that he thought it was me who sent him in, I have to explain to him, right?

He looked at us ingratiatingly, seeing that we didn't move, he was very embarrassed but still begged in a low voice.

Ye Chuan: Can't you accommodate me?

Osborn (Boy): Mr. Ye, I'm afraid you don't know that classmate Osborn instigated his classmates to self-harm at school, which is a very bad influence.

Ye Chuan: Impossible!

Ye Chuan: My child can't do such a thing, he is very friendly to his classmates.

Ye Chuan: He offended the principal just to help a strange female classmate.

Ye Chuan: There must be a misunderstanding.

He straightened his back and spoke decisively, his originally flattering and drooping eyes became firm.

He stubbornly looked at the boy, telling the other party "You are wrong."

Osborn (Boy): We have investigated it, and that's how it is. It's hard for us too.

Osborn (Boy): Actually, you just need to let him apologize, and the parents on the other side only need this.

Ye Chuan: Apologizing is admitting that he is wrong, why apologize for something you didn't do.

Ye Chuan: I won't let him apologize again, I've wronged him once.

Osborn (Boy): How can you be so sure? Actually, children hide a lot of things from their parents.

Ye Chuan: I'm just sure, I know my child is not that kind of person. He's not a bad boy.

Osborn (Boy): If you say that, it will be difficult for us.

Ye Chuan's cheeks bulged with hard lines, he stubbornly raised his head and looked at us.

But as time passed, Ye Chuan's eyes gradually dimmed. He was still afraid of us after all, because he had a weakness.

He slowly shook his head, clenched the hem of his clothes tightly, and his back and knees slowly bent down.

I rushed to help him, but he insisted on sinking down. In the struggle, he fell to the ground.

Ye Chuan: Teacher, I really can't do this anymore.

Ye Chuan: Why do these things always happen to our family!

I shook my head helplessly, turning my head away, unable to bear the sight. But the boy, in contrast, stared unblinkingly, as if the scene held the answers he'd always sought.

Silence filled the room, the scene frozen in time.

Ye Chuan was silent for a moment, then suddenly looked up at us, his eyes completely changed, filled with shock and anger.

Ye Chuan: Who are you? How did you get into my house?! I'll catch you two thieves!

Osborn (Boy): We are teachers from Yuda Academy.

Ye Chuan: Teachers...

He murmured, his eyes vacant again. I knew his illness had returned.

I warned the boy with a look to stop, but he continued to stare at Ye Chuan.

Suddenly, Ye Chuan seemed to remember something and patted his forehead.

Ye Chuan: Oh no, I forgot to pay the meal fee today!

He rushed into the room, knocking over a box of paper money on the table. The contents spilled onto the floor, revealing not only money but also a few small envelopes.

The envelopes were bulging. One was labeled "Osborn's ping pong ball," and the other two were labeled "headphones" and "car model" respectively.

Did he hope that when he paid this money, the other party would have to take these things to Osborn?

At this moment, Ye Chuan's voice came from the room again.

Ye Chuan: Old Wang, lend me some money, I have an emergency.

Ye Chuan: Didn't I pawn my bracelet? It paid for half a year's meal fee.

Ye Chuan: What are you talking about? My child has no money. What racecar driver? You must be getting senile.

He made several calls, but no one would lend him money.

The boy stood up, his eyes dark and frightening. He moved towards Ye Chuan.

I couldn't speak, so I used all my strength to close the living room door and block it.

Osborn (Boy): Move aside.

Osborn (Boy): Don't think I won't kill you.

I shook my head and didn't move.

Osborn (Boy): Move aside!

Flames rose from his hand. It was the first time I felt the scorching heat of such flames.

Ye Chuan: Old Bai, who's pretending to be poor with you? I'm really tight on cash.

Ye Chuan: You're not treating me like a friend. When have I ever not paid you back?

Ye Chuan: No, no, I can't sell the computer. I promised my child... What other child do I have? Just the one.

Ye Chuan was still muttering something in the room. The confrontation outside didn't affect him at all. All he could think about at the moment was how to raise some money for his child.

Hearing the constant voices, the boy's eyes reddened. I couldn't tell if it was from anger or something else.

He dragged me away, leaving only two cups of steaming tea in the empty living room.

-

He walked so fast that I had to run to keep up. We walked for a long time, until we reached an unfamiliar place.

I felt the blockage in my throat disappear, but I didn't know what to say. We just remained silent.

You: If I had known you were going to do this today, I should have killed you last night.

You: Why didn't I do it? Do you know?

You: Why do you insist on ruining your own life?

You: You saw the truth too. You were clearly moved at that moment. Why do you insist on going down the darkest path?

You: I know you have a lot of hate in your heart, but you can't let hate blind you. That would be too reckless.

The boy put on his usual playful expression.

But gradually, that playfulness faded, and his deep, dark green eyes looked a bit like the Osborn I knew.

Osborn (Boy): Tell me. Tell me what to do.

His sudden question caught me off guard. I stared at him for a long time.

Did he mean... he was willing to listen to my advice?

He met my gaze, seeming to confirm my assumption.

Osborn (Boy): Can you help me?

I came to my senses and nodded vigorously, afraid he would change his mind the next second.

A light seemed to ignite in his eyes. He looked down at our bound hands, then after a long while, he withdrew the band of light that was wrapped around our wrists.

I raised my wrist and touched it. The feeling of regained freedom made me overjoyed. I looked at him gratefully.

As if in response to my smile, he slowly pulled his lips into what I recognized as an attempt to smile at me.

It was the first time I had seen him smile like this. It was beautiful.

But fate is like a mischievous child, always playing chilling pranks when people least expect it.

Osborn: Y/N.

A familiar voice sounded behind me. I froze.

The next second, my arm was forcefully pulled, and the person I faced was undoubtedly Osborn.

I looked at him in surprise, unable to think before tears welled up in my eyes.

Osborn's throat moved, as if he had many things to say but couldn't utter a word.

I opened my mouth, wanting to reach out and touch his brow.

You: I'm fine, really. Don't worry.

Just then, a colder hand covered my wrist. It was the boy's.

Both hands gripped me tightly, one in front, one behind, struggling for control. I watched them glare at each other, my mind blank.

Their eyes held the same hate, anger, lingering tenderness, and a look of imminent collapse.

But perhaps because my heart ultimately leaned towards him, I was gradually pulled closer to Osborn.

Osborn: I'll say it again, let go.

Osborn (Boy): Why are you still alive!

The boy's voice was no longer calm and indifferent. His rapid breathing betrayed his hysteria.

Osborn: Because you lost.

Osborn whispered in my ear.

Osborn: Go to the car first. I'll settle things with him and come over. Don't be afraid.

☾ Night: Listen to Osborn

☼ Light: Hesitate and worry about the teen

☼ [Light Choice: Hesitate and worry about the teen]

I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that I wouldn't abandon him, that I had just promised to help him... Thinking of this, my steps faltered, and I couldn't help but turn back.

But at almost the same moment, Osborn blocked the boy with his body. All I could see was his slightly annoyed face.

Osborn: Look at me.

I could only look at him. Taking advantage of my momentary distraction, Osborn forcefully pried the boy's tightly clenched hand from mine.

Osborn: Go get some sleep. When you wake up, I'll be by your side.

☼

☾ [Night Choice: Listen to Osborn]

I instinctively nodded, but the hand gripping me on the other side suddenly tightened.

The boy looked at me with red eyes, seemingly confused.

A pang of guilt washed over me, but Osborn had already pulled me away from the boy's grasp and pushed me towards the car.

I heard the boy's approaching footsteps, but they were cut short by something. I didn't dare turn back, only quickening my pace towards Osborn's car parked outside.

His broken voice reached me from behind --

Osborn (Boy): Don't leave me... Don't leave me...

Even after I got into the car, his voice seemed to linger in my ears.

I closed my eyes and huddled in the seat, feeling a slight sting in my heart.

☾

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 17-19

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here

[anchanted-one]

Ten Facts about Vajra Devarath

Sorry it's been such a long time, but I completely forgot about this. I thought I'd finally do @swtorpadawan 's prompt.

This is Vajra Devarath, the main character in my fanfic reboot. Apologies--my drawing is still not as good as it used to be.

Homeworld and Species

Vajra is an original species, called Raudra, from Raudraksha. They're based very loosely on Shiva, one of the chief deities of Hindu mythology.

Their world was discovered by a Sith who crash landed there, and remains a secret to most of the galaxy as they have tremendous Dark Side potential. The Raudra have four arms and three dark eyes. They wear white tattoos on their bodies. Beyond this, they can regenerate non-critical injuries over the course of months, and have a high tolerance to all foreign substances (including alcohol and kolto). They have a weak connection to the Force which grows astronomically if they're furious--which is something the Jedi fear. It's for this reason that the Jedi and the Republic got the world's location to remain secret.

2. Special abilities

Vajra has two main abilities in the Force. The first is a gift of Sight. He is able to see Shatterpoints, a gift that Mace Windu also had. He can see the interconnectedness of causality, of the many events and people rubbing against each other to create critical junctures. He can also see weaknesses in enemy formations and stances.

His second gift is his ability to listen to Lightsaber crystals. This isn't a special ability like the last one, since every Jedi can hear these crystals (Sith can, with some minor perspective changes). In his case, it's just cranked up to twenty. His chief way of communing with the Force is through his Lightsaber crystals, which is why he loves Lightsaber practice very much, even treating it as sacred.

3. Skills

Vajra's main skill is combat mastery, especially Lightsaber forms. He learned to love the lightsaber crystals' songs right at the beginning, and decided to master Lightsaber combat in order to fully appreciate these songs. To him, practicing the Forms is akin to a dance, a very holy dance at that. He dedicated much of his time to becoming the very best there is. He has even learned to strike at Shatterpoints in a person's defenses, or to watch his own flaws.

Besides this, Vajra grew up on a farm world. He learned how engines work, and became fairly good at fixing the more common, civilian machines at a young age. He repaired T7-01 several times when he was damaged, and repaired tank and speeder engines quite regularly.

He's also learned the art of hunting from his tribe, so he's good at stealth in the field.

4. Weaknesses

Hailing from a cold, mountainous world, Vajra is weak against heat. Even the factories of Balmorra sapped him of energy and water very quickly. Spending less than a day out in Tatooine was almost enough to kill him.

He's also quite weak in the Force, quite below average in power and reach. He can't affect matter at ranges greater than 10 meters (30 feet or so).

He has a predisposition to self-blame.

But his biggest weakness for his young adult life is his crippling depression born from the traumas of having killed so many people, and having watched Uphrades die.

5. Close friends

Vajra's closest friend is Jasme Shan, Theron's twin sister. She helped him cope with the trauma of having killed hundreds of Flesh Raiders (whom I renamed 'Khrayii' in my story) and the two quickly adopted each other.

He's also close to Kira Carsen and her fiancé, Seraphim Abbot. He and Bengel Morr also bond during his recovery period.

6. Age

Vajra was 14 at the start of the prologue, which lasted about a year in my story. He was 16 when he defeated Angral, and 20 when he slew Vitiate.

7. His worst moments

He was deeply disturbed by having to watch (and Feel) Uphrades die. This caused him to try and run away after the battle, and live in self-imposed exile. He devolved over the next few months, and attempted suicide.

An arguably worse period for him was his tenure as the Emperor's demon. Unlike the other Jedi, he was never fully under the Emperor's control. He lost all reason and became a dangerous lunatic. As Warpath, he killed tens of thousands of Imperial and Republic soldiers, Jedi and Sith. And many civilians. To the point that both sides briefly called a truce in order to deal with him.

His rampage ended only when he stumbled upon Jasme, who was a captive in the Empire at this time. He pieced his fractured mind back together rather than kill her, but remained maimed by what he'd done for years afterwards.

8. His relationship with Lana

I won't lie, any main character of mine is going to end up with Lana. Most of you who've followed me know about this.

But in my story, he met her much earlier, back when she was Cipher Nine (under a different name and face). She was the one who saved him when he attempted suicide, and he paid her back when he found her on Quesh. She was dying, her brain losing integrity due to the Castellan restraints, when he nursed her back to health using the most expensive medicine he had onboard his ship. He also helped her find and synthesize the IX serum.

While he didn't find out that Lana was Nine until after Rishi, he still felt something familiar about her, enough to drop his guard around her right from the start. The two were dating within a week of Manaan, and teamed up when the group went underground and split into pairs.

The two forged a Force Bond, and loved each other above all else. To the point they might abandon the galaxy to save each other.

9. After the Alliance

Vajra sets himself up like a Shogun. He uses the Eternal Fleet and Gravestone, along with his reputation among the galaxy, to subtly demand that all sides stop fighting, and let him lead them into an era of healing. He places a few restrictions on the galaxy, but gives everyone enough resources to rebuild and live happy lives. But he is not without his opposition. He faces several rebellions and threats after beating Vitiate for good, and he only gets weaker as time passes due to the incurable side-effects of carbonite poisoning.

He has two children with Lana--Nakul and Harini--and a shared apprentice--Kriina.

He retires after about twenty years as a Commander and gives Kriina the reins. He outlives all of his loved ones and suppresses the Gravestone (which in my story is the prison for an Abeloth-like entity) by semi-fusing with it.

He is put down/freed by Anakin Skywalker or Vader, who is able to banish the Gravestone entity. It's possible that Lana (or her ghost) leads Anakin there, right after the Mortis arc.

10. Extra trivia.

When one of his kind has a third eye that turns white, his people hail them as Avatars of their god. This was Vajra too, and many saw him as a chosen one. Especially since he didn't die right after. But Vajra figured out later in life that the white eye has a more mundane cause: blindness. It lost its light after beholding the Lightning attack his tribe elder used to kill the Sith who attacked their tribe.

So he's not a true chosen one, but he chooses paths that lead him to saving billions of lives.

[morganlefaye79]

Playlist meme

Thank you for the tag @pandorasaquariumm this took me some time to put together although I have a Playlist for all of my oc's. I wanted to do this differently however, because I did this already for all my oc's.

I took my personal playlist, and looked for the song that I would give them + the explanation why I give it to them.

I have a song for Kerry, when Val is on the brink of death from the Relic. I always considered him to have listen to Linkin Park as a kid/ young adult.

You don't know what you've got Oh, you don't know what you've got No you don't know what you've got Until it's gone

Kerry is in my hc so used to loosing people and things that are important to him that he sometimes doesn't even realise it anymore. Losing Johnny (I'm a Silverdyne simp) traumatised him deeply.

'Cause finding what you've got sometimes Means finding it alone And I can finally see your light when I let go

And since Val came into his life with Johnny in the backseat it was not surprising that he fell for Val. Val knew it that Johnny was more likely the reason why Kerry kept him around and only when Johnny was gone for good and Kerry had closure and a proper goodbye, he could let Johnny go. Knowing he would loose Val soon as well, but he chooses to be happy even if it is short term, than to give up on all that. Because let's be honest, he will get hurt either way.

And since we takling about pain, we can switch to Val who never wanted to be a killer but was forced into it.

He is mentally very unstable, not only from his time at Arasaka but also the whole Relic desaster. He is already on a real bad guilt trip because of the many people he assassinated. Then on top of that he gets his lovers (Vicco) best choom (Jackie) killed. He knows it was an accident but it doesn't make the situation any better. The relationship with Vicco was already on edge and now he doesn't think there's anything left to fight for. But that is just the problem with Val. He needs something however small it is to fight for to keep going…

When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin And it feels like it's a battle that you will never win When you're aching for the fire and begging for your sin When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight

We all know how Johnny is at the start so no need to say that he doesn't help at all but makes the whole situation even worse. By the time Kerry comes around, Valaire already had said his goodbyes as far as he was able to. He was sure he would either die of the Relic, being shot by someone, or do it himself if no one was kind enough to take this task away from him.

Val has always been a Kerry fan so meeting him improved his mental state a bit, but not enough to keep him safe. By that time Johnny and Val got along somehow and Johnny told Kerry about Val and his mental state. Because Kerry himself was suffering severe depressions he knew how it felt and had some long talks with Val and it worked for some time. By the time Val is convinced to die soon because of the Relic, he will have a few times that he will vanish and Kerry thinks he is gone. But Val has still reasons to fight for, so he won't give up in the end.

When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight I'll be your reason to fight Give you a reason to fight

Joris already knew for many years that he had a twin, but he was told that his family in the NUSA was horrible, so he actually never felt the need to go and see them. Until the day he could see through the scemes his uncle played:

No more games And no more lies No one to blame No alibis I am ashamed to be part of your apathy All that I couldn't see A part of this system of greed

Joris was always kind of a rebel and the only one that never judged him was his aunt, when she died he was devastated. When he found out years later that his uncle had her killed because she was a "bad influence" on him he snapped. He killed his uncle in a fit of rage.

Nothing left to say as all your will decays Nothing left to do, but put an end on you

He was sure that someone would come for him, but no one did. He started to dig deeper and found out that his uncle wasn't well accepted at Arasaka HQ in The Hague, most that had to work with him rather felt hatred and so no one was sad or upset when they heard the news.

Joris inherited everything his uncle owned, most of it was sold off as quickly as possible by Joris. He didn't need houses and Villa's around the world. He also only kept one car, his uncle's Caliburn. Which his uncle nearly to never used.

Then he went to the NUSA to find his twin brother. He actually wanted to join Arasaka in NC, but when he found out that his brother was the one that blew it up a second time, he reconsidered this idea. Slowly he found more puzzle pieces to the mystery that was their family. Which left him with even more hate towards his uncle because he was also responsible for the death of his mother, who died in a house fire. The same house fire that had nearly killed him as a toddler and which scars were still visible on his face.

Vicco was a tough one, because they can be everything and do have so many facets to them that it is very difficult to take just one song to describe them. As a joytoy that has clients in the upper class of NC they have to fake many things.

This place is a circus, you just see the surface They cover shit under the rug You can see their faking

Vicco loves to play their game and for someone that never went to school he is good enough with most topics to not make a fool out of them.

Vicco is also good at getting informations out of someone, just by asking harmless questions. Rumors and informations are worth a lot of money.

Sip the gossip, drink till you choke Sip the gossip, burn down your throat You're not iconic, you are just like them all Don't act like you don't know

Vicco knows full well who and what they are. Their behaviour on the job is completely different from their private life. Only when he marries Joris he will stop working as a joytoy. But he will stay close enough to the biz to get informations still because joytoys always get the best informations while doing their job. He will later on work as a model sometimes even with Joris together. So he will keep his fake smiles for the people of NC.

I love me some good oc lore. And so I tag:

@dreamskug @wraithsoutlaws @vox-monstera @faepunkprince @a-pirate @maimaiapologist @ghostoffuturespast @gloryride @dustymagpie @wanderingaldecaldo @jaymber @fereldanwench

As always no pressure :)

[emilemily]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me and the doctors have no clue

I’ve always had bad blood circulation since I was a child. I vividly remember standing in the kitchen with my mother helping her cook and her pointing to my feet telling me “your legs and feet are beet red” and they’d feel itchy

In the last few months that has turned to red and purple with numb tingles yet an itchy feeling. I’ll compare my arm to my legs and it’s night and day. Red and purple with white spots. I have veins Neely enlarged and bulging on my right leg

I have such severe fatigue I rarely leave my bed because when I stand up I get so lightheaded and dizzy my vision goes black and I fall to the floor where I lay, blinking until the dark static clears and I can get myself up again. My heart rate spikes in the moment I go from laying down to standing

My hair is falling out more and I don’t have an appetite anymore. I have to force myself to eat and even so, cooking is difficult because standing to do so causes my legs to go red and purple and I get dizzy. I’ve moved a chair into the kitchen which helps, but at the same time my fatigue is so bad that my arms feel as if they weigh 30 pounds along with my legs. I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I run low grade fevers at night. I get tremors in my legs, weird involuntary movements. Sometimes my brain is confused. I drop things often which I never did before.

My chest feels tight, as if I have 1000 pounds of weight on it and I struggle to get a deep breath most days. Even walking into the next room leaves me winded as if I just went for a stroll outside.

My legs and feet & arms and hands are always cold no matter the temperature of the room or what I’m wearing. Even when I have a blanket on.

This is so sudden and abrupt. The last 6 months it really started. I went from relatively healthy to whatever this is, and I’m realizing I’m not truly depressed. I’m just fatigued and not well and it’s hard to be super happy when you struggle to just take your dogs for a walk.

When I walk my schnauzers I start getting chest pains and realize that my heart is beating so fast I’m surprised it doesn’t stop. I squat down and rest and it slows down until I stand again

Read all about how many people with similar symptoms die within 10 years and it was sort of sobering.

I’m not sure if I’m going to live to see 40 and be the bad bitch mom I always wanted to be. The mom to break generational curses. The mom to help guide my children into being what I never had the resources to be.

Or the loving wife I always wanted to be.

Or the woman I’ve dreamed of becoming.

If I die young, I’ll have died only knowing this short life filled with a lot of unhappiness, trauma, substance abuse, general unease, and uncertainty about my future.

And that is what haunts me. I was always so terrified of growing old, and now I’m staring an untimely death in the face.

It may happen, it may not. I’m not scared of it anymore. Sometimes it feels relieving because the weight of this world has always been so heavy. I have no idea how to exist as others do. I never have.

I am an incredibly broken human being. One that struggles to heal. Some believe that negativity in life manifests in physical ailments.

Created a plan for calling the ambulance should I go into cardiac arrest or stroke. I’ve been coached on all the symptoms to watch out for. Today I felt chest pain and some pain down the right side of my jaw as I brushed my teeth. I was terrified for a moment and sat down and it went away.

That was one of the signs I’m supposed to watch for, but I didn’t do anything about it. It’s almost like I’m more scared to live through a stroke and be a vegetable than of death itself.

Missed my Dr. appt last week because I forgot what day it was. It has been pushed to August because Medicaid is backed up beyond all reason currently.

If I continue to see increased severity as I have the last week or so, I’m just going to go to the ER and ask them to run whatever tests they can and please help me. Maybe they’ll be more useful than my doctors. Maybe they won’t. I don’t care how much debt I rack up there anymore. I don’t care.

If I’m going to die, so be it. But I want to know about it first. I want to make peace with my demons and my whys and my woes. I want to make peace with the things I’ve always pushed off. I want time to accept that I’m not going to live a long life.

I want to write poetry about the family I will never have, about the love I’ve felt and lost in this life, about those who crossed me, about my dogs, about the people who unconditionally loved me, about the people who didn’t, about my mom.

Every time I call her she tells me I don’t look good and urges me to go to the ER. She cries and yells “Emily, don’t you know you could die?!”

Mama, trust me. I’m more aware of that than anyone given the fact that I live inside this faulty meat suit. I feel the indicators of that every single day.

The check engine light only came on a few months ago. I just need more time to sort out what’s wrong with it.

Either way, I feel peace in a way. Whatever the outcome, I’ve fought like hell to get right here where I am, even if here isn’t perfect.

I’d hoped to have achieved more if I was going to kick in at this age. But I’ll take what I got.

Nighty night

[hatonolynx]

Cherry Blossom

⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆

I've had family and their spouses, a professor who was once a friend, men and women I’ve never called mine, those who know and do not know me practice ritualistic abuse, over, under, and inside of my name. I'd been spiritually exhausted, sexually assaulted, over and over again, until I screamed and cried on the floor, head resting on my mothers lap, praying to Archangel Gabriel to take the pain away and cleanse my heart and mind from what I saw. 

I was forced to see myself get brutally raped by my parent, 

and I was forced to see myself rape that parent alongside other individuals that were once closest to me. “Disgusting” is an understatement to describe the graphic imagery I had to feel. 

I became depressed, I wanted to die 

and I did. 

Through this experience I realized I was blocking out my purpose, my mediumship and gifts. This experience killed me and simultaneously woke me up to all the guides that were with me the whole time, even when I was denying them. I thought I was alone, and it turns out I had a whole army beside me waiting for me to take their hand and say:

“I'm ready. And I'm sorry I took so long.”

⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆

I am not schizophrenic but there is nothing wrong with those suffering from a mental illness.

I’ve been to the doctor, I’m seeing a psychiatrist, and I've been diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety disorder. I don't ask that you believe me because I believe in myself. Anyone who is familiar with the depths of spirituality knows that there are many individuals suffering through similar experiences. 

The spell-work cast upon me was to drive me into insanity and these kinds of spells mimic mental illness... which makes it much sadder to me, because I know there are those who truly suffer with severe mental illnesses every day. Although I’ve never been brutally raped physically, this experience has provided me with the perspective for women, children, and men who have.

To feel demonic presences so strongly and be mocked by voices that aren't yours. 

They say “you’re a pornstar” when you have not even sold a single picture of yourself.

They mock your loved one who passed on, flaunting your sacred words as if your beloved was some sort of toy.

They say you want to have sex with someone in your blood, 

because another member of your blood wants to have sex with you.

✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †

You don't know how it feels to bleed tears of red 

and pray for tears of rain and forgiveness in your heart.

How could I breathe when all the people rooted in hatred around me

wanted me to take my life or the path of revenge they already chose. 

You dont know how it feels like to be spiritually raped until it happens to you. 

Even before this, my heart has always cried for the innocent that have been abused,

both dead and alive. To this day, I cry with them more than I should.

My heart breaks into a million pieces knowing what happens in this world, 

especially as a medium.

✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †✟ ♡︎ †

[kiunlo]

.

funny how i feel as though i technically "know" a bunch of people online, and maybe they consider me their friend, but the idea of actually speaking to any of them feels so out there. like if i message em too many times i'd be acting weird or creepy or obsessed, when really all i want is a friend. maybe it's because i feel so lonely that my desperation for interaction with others is so easy to see. i really only feel comfortable randomly messaging like 1 person and that's only cuz me and him have been friends for like over 10 years at this point. i don't know how or why i ended up being so bad at making friends with other people. maybe it's cuz when i was with my ex gf she would introduce me to people she had met, and i would "make friends" like that. but now that i'm not dating her anymore i realise i have no friend making skills. and all of those people she introduced to me basically don't talk to me anymore, and neither does she, though i guess i can't expect my ex to really want to talk to me and be friends or whatever. it's a bit much to ask.

with people i've somehow managed to make them have a good opinion of me, i never message any of them. people only ever message me. and it's only those that are brave enough. or those that want something from me. i act so insane and angry and fucked up in the head and have many many issues that i often feel as tho i'm the only ine dealing with them being so severely mentally ill and also indigenous and yet i'm surprised when no one really wants to speak to me. when was the last time someone asked me if i was ok. when was the last time someone asked me how the weather was where i lived, and if i was handling it okay. haven't even messaged my childhood best friend in like a few years at this point and i feel as though if i try now it'd be pointless. they've clearly made something of their life and i'm still stuck exactly where i was the last time they saw me, just in a different room of the house this time. and they're out having fun with new friends and being free. i'm still here with nothing and no one. what's the point in dragging around dead weight you know is not gonna get lighter any time soon. i feel so isolated and alone and maybe i could somehow get myself to go out on walks like i used to, maybe go back to reading books from the library so i have SOMETHING to do to force me to be social and go outside, but i'll still be on my own. i'll still be lonely. i'll still be alone. i wonder sometimes why i haven't just killed myself yet. i wonder if i'll ever meet another queer person irl who won't leave me behind for being severely poor and depressed and wanting to fucking die with no friends and shitty family, or a queer person who lives next door that isn't fucking racist towards black americans whilst somehow being support of australian aboriginal people (what the fuck is up with that btw??!?!?!?! how do you manage that). maybe i could escape it all if i had a job but i'm gonna be honest i'm 25 and still not been able to get a real job at all ever and i wonder if i'll ever be able to escape my situation without killing myself

[staledirt87]

hey under the cut I'm gonna put some rly triggering stuff about suicide and suicidal ideation, please don't read if you're gonna be triggered, I just need this out there

The question of "why do I want to die" has been one that I've never truthfully been able to answer. I know I'm not "special" in the sense that I'm God's special child that's worthless and hated for no apparent reason other than existing. I also know that life holds intrinsic value, and that simply by living I have enough worth to warrant keeping around. but I have a hard time seeing the value of living on a logical standpoint. now my friend would tell me that you can't value life by logic alone, but that's how I always see the world. logic isn't logic unless you factor in emotion.

I see it as a simple pros vs cons, seperated into two categories: self and others

self pros

> pain ends

> responsibility ends

> stress ends

> anxiety ends

> I end the possibility of future pain

self cons

> I no longer have a chance for future happiness

> my dreams are automatically devoid of purpose

other pros

> I am no longer a concern of their's

> they do not have to factor me into plans

> they have more time to themselves and their other friends

> the energy they used on me can be used on other things

other cons

> they have to grieve me for an indefinite amount of time

> the things they used to do with me they can no longer do

> what I put into the world is no more

> anyone who looked up to me has lost a stable figure

that's the end of the doomsday pros and cons list, and by tallying it up, there are more pros than cons. additionally, it is a landmark in almost every ideology that yourself comes before others. not always, of course, but you must always consider yourself before others, in case you over exert yourself. now, I understand and acknowledge the pain and suffering of others that my death may cause, but I find it secondary to my own hopelessness and depression.

let me put it this way: why should I, my own person, be forced to work and exhaust myself for others' happiness? that is shunned upon almost everywhere, yet when it comes to suicide, it is thrown out of the window. "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I've always had issues with that. it's not truly a temporary problem. I have major depressive disorder, severe and recurrent. which means it is not a temporary problem, but a permanent one. medication and therapy is a temporary solution to a permanent problem, whereas suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

it's also important to point out the fact that me being dead does as much as me being alive does. how many times do you see people citing dead loved ones as inspirations to do wonderful things? I know my death would hurt my friends, but as everyone will say, your friends in high school don't stay your friends. they would forget me anyway, and in less than a decade they will have forgotten my name whether I'm alive or dead.

I must also say that in the grand scheme of the universe, we are but specks of specks. our life is a blip in the expanse of time, so my status of life doesn't have any real affect on the world

all this is to say, there's really no point in my life. when it comes to a time that the net emotion of life is negative rather than positive, and the net effect of your death is more positive, then it is illogical to say that I shouldn't kill myself.

of course, this all means nothing if I don't have the means to commit, but I have several plans in my mind. I'm not near as safe as my parents think I am.

[yourshiningastr]

PROEM

According to 2017 data, There are roughly 150,000 people who die every day worldwide. And the leading causes of those deaths are mainly complications to the heart, cancer, and other illnesses that can be easily detected by doctors and specialists. 

However, some illnesses aren't visible to the eyes of many. It doesn't have a face, age, or gender. What it has is feelings, extremes, overwhelming, and sometimes unknown emotions.

But what makes it so dangerous is it wasn't perceptible, unlike other illnesses. Generally, people who suffer from this kind of affliction are the ones who seem strong- whom we perceive to be strong.

Many people are still not fully aware of how powerful this illness can be, until now it'S still being distinguished as a weakness instead of a disorder or a mental illness.

There are still several people who are not open to this kind of discussion, which somewhat became one of the reasons why the risk of this illness is increasing.

We are too focused on our beliefs, on our own lack of understanding, and too focused on our own good that we fail to see that we are becoming one of the factors why people suffer from this- Depression. It caged you from being free, it's suffocating..

It's terrifying.

Just imagine the people suffering from it, instead of listening to their positive thoughts and pleads, they will start hearing some pellucid voices forcing them to shut it off and it makes them sick.

Because of the never-ending battle between themselves and this illness, they will lose people and eventually will lose themselves. 

The sadness, the depression... can kill them.

Death..

I never imagined myself dying. Despite all of the things I have gone through, 'that' never did occur to my mind.

Is it because all of those misery and troubles I have experienced are shallow? Or is it because I'm just strong to take everything stoically?

I have never tried nor even thought of killing myself. At first, I thought I was scared of dying, I have a lot of goals, and I know that I didn't just exist just to be gone young.

I knew that I had a purpose, I always knew and felt that God wants me to be something.

I have a lot of good and useful traits, they even say that I am a prodigy. I excel in everything. Be it in academics, you name it, I always stay on top. And I am sure, God didn't give me that much talent to go to waste. I know I am one of his favorite instruments, so I always choose to live.

"Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts."

It's already late evening, yet I'm still awake. It's always been like this, that I already got used to it. After what happened 3 months ago, I never had a deep slumber. I never had a good dream, I never had a peaceful evening.

I am trying my best to move my finger, and chanting some good thoughts in my mind to break this sleep paralysis I am in. 

It's haunting me again, this is the third time happening to me. Once when I was 14 years old, then the second one was just last month, and then...now. 

I thought it would never visit me again, yet here they come.

I tried opening my eyes and to my horror, instead of seeing a creepy lady with long hair and bloodshot eyes whom I am already familiar with, this one is more daunting. Because it's not only one....

But three. 

If only they were just the spine-chilling demons I used to meet and greet, it wouldn't be that too scary, but the demons I am seeing tonight are the people who have freshly opened my sleeping wound that was sleeping for a long time.

These are the people I used to call my friends. The people whom I shared my deepest secrets with, people whom I trust, people who introduce me to what fun really feels like, and yet they are also the people who took that fun away from me.

A manipulative demon who haunts me in my sleep, who drains me to death, and who gives me so much trauma.

Fear is now creeping in, as I felt the pain piercing right through my veins.

I wanted to shout and cry for help but I know there is no use, because of the mere fact that I can't move my body and even speak and that no one can help me since I am all alone.

"I don't want to die yet, I can't.. I want to live, please..." I silently pray.

And with maximal force, I successfully escape those demons.

----------------------------------------------------------

INFO-REFERENCES:

The top 10 causes of death. (2020). World Health Organization.

What Is Depression?. (2022). American Psychiatric Association.

[thoughtsfromanotherroom]

Grief

TW: All of my posts come with a copied and pasted warning. These posts can be triggering to some who suffer from depressive spirals, disassociation, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and similar conditions. My thoughts are not worth your health and I am not responsible for your decision to read after the warning. Take care of yourself.

----- Grief is an odd thing for me. I have grieved loved ones who passed and people who simply aren't in my life anymore. There are many forms of grief but one is unique to me. There's a grief not as many experience until they are on their deathbed. The grief over yourself.

I was ill for almost three years, almost a year ago. It'll be a year this month from when I got the all-clear. It was terminal and I was not expected to make it to my birthday in October. My life had not been great leading up to this. To be frank, like many, I never thought I would see adulthood. For many years I was ready to die, for the first two of being sick, I was really ready to die. Nearing my last year after a will had been made and arrangements for cremation, the universe decided to be a little silly.

Several beautiful people waltzed into my life. Whatever example of beauty came to your mind? Toss it out and really listen to me.

I could feel the warmth of the cheap blankets my grandma and I giggled under on her back porch on cold winter nights in these people's words. Do you understand? The peace I had while being a blissfully ignorant child had been nothing but a distant memory until they gifted me such tranquility. For the first time in my life, truly, I found people who saw me. Then I had to grieve again. This time not only for feeling cheated out of the first good thing in my life, but the hurt I would inevitably cause them. I warned them, many tearful nights of worrying over something that seemingly was an unstoppable force. To accept death so slowly and to bring people into your life at such a time is a very painful and selfish experience. You will not feel worthy of such company knowing what comes after, no matter how many times they reassure you. Grieving for those around you and for yourself is one of the hardest burdens I will ever carry, but it will never be as heavy as knowing that the peace I have now could never compete with the peace my illness could have given me. So in a way, I grieve not going when I was meant to. It is a vicious cycle and one of quite a lot of contradictions. Regardless, I rest easy knowing death could have never given me the happiness I have now. For it is happiness that I've earned, it is what I deserve. Just as you do. I mean that, by the way. Perhaps you're reading this completely detached but I am in fact speaking to you. You deserve peace. There is nothing you need to punish yourself for. You are doing no one favors by being so hard on yourself, for denying yourself an opportunity to be happy. Is there not enough hurt? Grieve for whatever you've lost. Whether it be a person, a place, a moment, or time, even if it's yourself. Just remember that the final stage must come eventually. Acceptance is hard, but it will bring you the peace you deserve. I wish you well in all that you do, friend.

[sir-klauz]

Ppl forcing opinions, yes, opinions not facts, that animals that have evolved into creatures that have the potential to kill with an anatomy made for it and are carnivorous inside only, and as apparently the only way because they prefer it, then refusing to allow for anyone else to offer cats free will if they ask except only if they receive total imprisonment on a leash (it’s not imprisonment if they enjoy it, opt for it, or have always been that way and it’s safe, I’m all for indoor animal keeping, many cats prefer the indoors) whether they like it or not and claiming that’s the only way or ur horrific, is so strange and harmful. If ur cat that’s only house trained is shunted outside without even training them to be, yes that’s cruel, if they want to go outside and u bar them, yes that’s cruel. If they’ve never known the outdoors, hey yes they probably will die tbh. If u hate cats for killing small animals, yes that’s cruel, don’t get one, it happens. If all ur opinions of cats are “they’re nasty evil and shiddy but I like the hugs tho” wtf? They’re just only serving you then? Your whim? And not their own emotions, they’re not allowed. Declawing and damaging them? Cool story bro, delete me, also altering someone else’s pets body anatomy and scaring them for life and inducing anxiety I had never seen in her before after, animal abuse kthanks. Fkin don’t own a pet from the cat kingdom. I’m seeing ppl genuinely saying it’s abusive to allow for your cat to step evn outside because they have only a warped opinion of owning cats so expensive they’re scared their investment runs away, or bean bag emotion toy, whatever. Step outside without a leash?? Wtf??? Sorry but people taking cats leashes and crying down a high street dragging them around for lewks is abuse! If you’re gonna leash, listen to your cats needs as well and fears, if banning all cats from going outside freely “bc it’ll affect them” is the argument. So many ppl literally do not listen to what their cat wants at all or treats them with respect and basic rights to be what they are and free will if they need it. Also if ur gonna claim cats are evil and succ nature dry um look at the human race which is killing the planet and still does, pretty sure a cat isn’t gonna out win the level of destruction we appear to be doing to everything in sight. We didn’t even evolve to need as much copious amounts of meat that is dragged lorry by lorry and wasted with animals killed pointlessly and also farmed and over farmed needlessly, yet a cat hunting a couple of birds/mice/animals that could poison us, is despicable when u eat a slab of meat for breakfast lunch and dinner. Or if ur not a meat eater, peep the humans still killing a whole ass planet. Literally I swear ppl are just worried about vet bills these days. So many ppl I wanna scream at “don’t own a cat” yet they’re pointing the finger at treating a cat with options, dare I say it. Fml stay inside the rest of ur life then if the world is so dangerous then too I guess. Comparing them to dogs as well who have been fully domesticated to the point where they now usually just die and cannot look after themselves at all if they escape when they once could’ve survived, do not even. Do not. Literally, own a bunny pls. Or a hamster. Animals get severe depression at times in cages and not cared for properly or given proper attention. If you do, then it works, but so many ppl are apathetic to animals feelings often because they think they’re totally stupid and can’t feel anything bc they can’t speak human or something, same with how people treat mute disabled people and younger children as if they’re just “dumb” because they can’t say the words yet and absolutely do know what you’re saying. My cat knows I’m talking about him and comes to see what I’m saying when I don’t even use his name or anything liek??

But anyway ya this literally reminds me of those old rich ppl who go liek “I wanna own a tiger” then get eaten or somethn, like ur the only one who wanna go bdsm leash daddy so bad on a cat um.

Cats aren’t easy no, but you clearly can’t cope with them at all if you aren’t prepared at all for anything but them sitting on a windowsill, and hate everything about them except easy cuddles. Yes it’s dangerous outside but, sorry (why should I be sorry about feeling this) but it’s unfair to want to selfishly take all freedom away from an entire species whether they want and indoor lifestyle or not for whatever reason that urge is burning in you for. And if it’s cos of the vet bill, just, don’t get a pet tbh.

Likewise you must care for your pet and make sure they’re healthy and don’t die where you can, but you can’t let that fear stop you from giving them choices, because yes it’s imprisonment and abuse if they hate it and it’s negatively affecting them. 😪

“Imagine leaving your cat to roam outside all night when they could be indoors in the warm on their own mini couch” yes I hate when people shunt their cat out for the whole night with no interest in if they even want to stay outside. Get a cat flap! Or god forbid, open a window a handful of times to let them in and out when they want. My dood spends like 70% of his times indoors cuddled up or snoozing tbh from choice, and then requests to leave every so often to sit in the garden, and occasionally run around the field! And y’all bet it’s impossible to keep him in he will scream blue murder if I don’t, so clearly that’s what he wants and it’s his choiceeee omg his choiceeee. He will throw things on the floor if I don’t as well like? But yeah I’m mean and cruel for letting him out lmao when he’s desperately requesting it. Fml! Maybe just look after ur cat like ppl saying they gonna go out and die to death on everything they touch are bizarre, you gonna never let ur kid leave the house ever? Bc you’ve trained them up so they can’t survive outside so they can never leave and survive outside your house? That’s been known as abusive parenting for years. It’s why there’s been so much domestication of different species. We gonna keep every animal on earth in a cage completely bc it’s scary out there and watch the ecosystem die etc etc? Big infestations an bug plagues I love that idea bc no one be eating any of them hehe

[recycledsurvivor77]

I am feeling and thinking about so many things. I don't know how to start this. I guess I'll start with some short backstory so I can get to venting. I'll fill in details as needed.

I experienced lifelong abuse, mental illness, and chronic pain. I had been gaslit, manipulated, and abandoned by a lot of people, friends and family included. I had been homeschooled under my parents' fundamentalist ideas of what I should be taught.

When I was twenty years old, I moved to Michigan. I had been living in a homeless shelter for about six months when I moved in with a single mom and her two children. In November, I had to leave, but rescued a kitten and left it with my then-girlfriend. I stayed in the shelter again until the following April, when I was finally able to move in with my girlfriend, K. In August of that year, K's best friend S moved in with us. In November, I broke up with K for the final time.

In January of the next year, I began dating S. In the spring of the year after that, we had to leave K's house to move in with S's mother. I got a well-paying job in an inconvenient location and was forced to stay with a friend closer by. We had to move from there to S's dad's house. We finally secured our own place and moved in February of this year, but I lost my well-paying job. I brought in a roommate in April, and he abandoned us on July 1st. We were evicted Sept. 12.

My friend who promised to watch my cat instead called the cops on S & I and lied to them. My partner moved back in with their mother, who stated I was unwelcome. I moved back into the homeless shelter. I got kicked out at the tail end of September. Two friends, A & E, have taken me in, but E has been repeatedly bugging me for sex despite my clear and emphatic rejections.

I realize that my choices are the cause of a lot of my own problems. It's overwhelming. Granted, through no fault of my own, I didn't have any sort of safety net or guidance. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes while my parents had my back. I grew up expecting to fail due to unreasonable standards & pressure placed on me from multiple sources. At the same time, when I look back, I can see plenty of times where I could have simply made better choices. Some things I know I can fix with a little extra planning and organization (oh God), other things I really don't have any faith in.

I have these patterns of attempting to improve my life, faltering on one point, and abandoning all self-improvement. If I make a plan or budget and things go in any way how they're not supposed to, I abandon the whole thing and reject all backup ideas for one reason or the other.

I've been on and off my meds countless times. I'm off them right now. The pain is terrible, the paranoia is through the roof, I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, and I'm suicidally depressed. Not to mention things aren't really going well with S at the moment.

I want to die. I want all my awful behavior and pain and suffering to disappear completely, forever, and the only surefire way to do that is to die. The only way for me to stop ruining people's lives is to take myself out of the equation permanently. I know I need to go to the hospital, but I don't have insurance right now and just can't afford more debt.

I often feel like things that are routine and simple for most people are unreasonably difficult for one reason or another. I fall asleep sitting up on the couch in the middle of the day, which fucks my sleep schedule. When I sleep, no matter the length of time, I wake up feeling tired. My hips and back need to be in specific positions to feel any relief, and even then I have to shift positions frequently. I lose track of what day/time it is. I get severe anxiety to the point of frequent avoidance until it harms me and other people.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it's fixable. I feel hopeless. I feel incredible guilt and shame. I feel useless and worthless. I feel like I've let everyone who's ever cared about me down, over and over. I feel like I don't deserve any happiness I have. At the same time, killing myself seems selfish, too. I don't want anyone to feel responsible for my death.

I want to be killed by someone else, or I want to find a bunch of medical professional unicorns who will take action to help me with my problems. Neither is very likely. So what then? Do I just figure it all out myself? I'm so sick of figuring things out by myself.

The worst part? I was supposed to have a test for ADHD on the 24th of october. I missed the appointment despite it being on my fucking calendar because my phone was stolen and I let myself lose track of what day it was.

My mind feels scrambled all the time. Brain made of alphabet soup. Everything is terrifying and nothing feels like the right choice. I'm frozen in place, not dying but not living, either.