#tw sh talk

[skinnybinnietitties]

Better be the last one

So today my mom asked me if I'm skipping meals or like I have body issues and I had not eatent yet because this happened earlier around lunch and when she told me to take some pills she told me I need to eat something I told her I wasn't hungry yet and when she came back in my room after she left she tolde to take the pills and asked if she wanted to make me an egg because my tmy would hurt after I ate the pills I caved and say yeah okay but take the yolk out and don't use a lot of oil (stupid idiot) she looked at me for a second and when she came back she gave me the egg and left and when she came back maybe 10 mins later I still have the eaten the egg and when she seen it she asked do I have problems and how she has been thinking about my eating habits nd stuff I told her job obvi and was like why would I do tht and yk I don't like eating breakfast and I usually eat a lil bit after lunch bc I don't have an appetite yet for something big or anything at all she was like well idk if your lying or not bc I've been doing a lot of that she said some more stuff and I was kinda tuning her our bit I went back to talking with her when she said something like well I'm watching you kinda to make sure you eat or whateva so now im like pissed asf but at the same time I'm glad because tht means I can try to make if I am showing my real eating habits try and cover it up because I do not need to be in more trouble at all but basically ig ima have to clean up my act and start "eating" but yeah 😊 my interestIng week this felt really good to get off my chest well yeah🫰

[winonagrlposts]

fuck i thought i was done being insane why am i cutting at work

thought i was hashtag healing and having a normal girl summer

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

i’m breaking down because i’m processing one of the major things that’s been keeping me depressed because of a poem written by my friend leaf @leafgorge so uh i’m just gonna vent for a minute. not really venting and more just writing my thoughts down to process them all better. tw for mentions of suicidal thoughts, sh thoughts, possible ed, depression

i’ve been in a deep depression for several weeks now

i’ve been breaking down and not sleeping and struggling to eat and just constantly paranoid

constantly worrying about the state of the planet and if i’ll make it to adulthood and if i even deserve to exist in this world

it’s been reaching a point where my thoughts have been. very dark

i’ve wanted to hurt myself despite my mom saying it’s wrong. i’ve been willingly skipping some meals and just sleeping off my hunger instead. i’ve been forcing myself to research things that bother me as a pushment. just wasting away in my room berating myself for being tired and miserable instead of doing anything to help

i’ve been watching my bones slowly become more visible on my body and all i think is “yeah, i deserve it.”

i’ve been becoming suicidal despite being extremely triggered by the topic. i’ve been telling myself that i’ll really end it all if something goes wrong, even though i know it would cause more harm than anything else

i’ve felt like i can’t talk to anyone. i tried to and the person in question wouldn’t listen when i tried to talk. it only made more stressed

and thus i haven’t had the ability to process my thoughts. i haven’t figured out what’s been hurting me. what’s been making me feel so fucked in the head.

until leaf put their poem out

it hit me that. that’s what’s been bothering me as well. i’m just scared

i’m scared of this world and the discrimination in it and i’m scared that i and many of my friends who are also queer or poc or disabled will fall victim to hate crimes or be killed

just because we exist

i just wanna live my life as a normal kid. but i’m scared to. i’m scared that any day i could wake up and my partner could be gone. or my best friend. or anyone i know

i’m so afraid of death and the prejudice in this world that i can barely handle living in it

i’ve felt like i’m not gonna make it to 16, let alone 18

but i want to

i desperately want to

but every day is so hard to push through and sometimes just the thought of waking up in the morning makes me feel sick

i have people who love me. who care about me. and i love them all too. more than i could ever express through words or pictures or anything

i love all of you more than anything

i wanna keep living for all of you. i wanna quit wasting away for all of you.

for noah. for arson. for jella. for rein. for leaf. for vickie. for francie. for isaiah. for rai. for cryptid. for starry and sydney and pebble and moon and all the friends i’ve made irl and online

i want to get better for all of you. i wanna be stronger for all of you.

i’m just scared that i’ll see another person who i loved so dearly die yet again

i’m so scared. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know who to talk to. all i know is i wanna keep living

i don’t want to die

i just need to figure out how to take that first step.

[dazaii-osammu]

why aren’t they heallinnggg this time

[puppets-are-overreated]

Once I get outta my “party years” I’m fucking killing myself. Ain’t no reason to live no more. Drink, smoke, have a bit of fun, then die. Sounds like a good life to me

[2-kamikou-1]

why is my left hand my non dominant hand until I decide to cut my left wrist

[unstablemotions]

i want to sh so very bad rn. it feels like the only release. i havent had this strong of an urge in a while. i want to bash my head into a wall and scratch my skin open. i don't know what to do to make this pass that isn't self destructive

[skinnybinnietitties]

Part 2 to the rant

okayy so anyways eventually she makes me go in her room and strip to my undies and bra off and checks but she only sees cuts on my once safe zone and time skip blah blah blah she asking me a bunch of questions and stuff I end up saying too much about how I am essentially a people pleaser and I'm not satisfied with my life yada yada. And after that later in the day because that happened around 3-4 she tells me I have a therapy session booked for tmrw or the day after at 3 and I'm jst like 😦 how the fuck you already make and find one so fast😭 but yeah and I would say my my emotions were still in shock because I was acting like ain't shit happen and going to make cookie dough and cookie cake with my sister but the next day omg I was mad and rightfully so bc wat the fuck just happened to me (and she gave me back my phone that same night but I made sureto delete stuff so incase she did loon before she gave it back she wouldn't see anything) and I was just saying things like why did I go make those two last shitty cuts if I didn't make those this wouldn't have a happened so a few hours my nerves are still high asf and I'm pissed so I get a stick pen the kind you use for sewing or pinning something in place but not the safety one and scratcy my thighs in the bathroom because I couldn't get caught again and it didn't go deep but I just needed the pain (why does cat scratches and baby's hurt so much like) and it pretty much goes on the day with me in my room or forced to be around ppl when I wanted to choke my neck off and the therapist made it for the next day so the next day comes around and during that day I purge because I ate too much when I wasn't even supposed eat at all😒 and during that ig my mom is getting anxious or what ever because like every motherfucking 3-5 minutes she is knocking on the bathroom door talking about let me in and hurry up it don't take that long to poop😀 so I had to speed it up and wash the purging look off my face and when I come out the bathroom she brings me in her room and says let me see your legs and tell her I obviously haven't cut that would be so stupid right after you get caught but she doesn't listen and make me get in panties and bra (AGAINJDHSG) and she was like asking tm to show her my boobs to make sure it's not there and tryna look at my MOTHEBRFJSIS inner thighs like umm no please what the fuck your not looking there and when she doesn't find anything ofc I ask her straight up what is your problem because this is not it you tryna make me strip every fucking day and when she tells me how she's concerned about what I'm taking so long in the bathroom for and thought I was cutting I say I understand tm your concerns nd shit but I'm not about to be showing you all around the fuckin globe she don't get it and like omfg she ends up saying she will tone it down and when I tell her okay but your not checking my whole body she say "I'll hold you done if I have to" 😐 I don't even know what to say like ik she's my mother and shit but like I feel so violated honestly like why are you tryna see every where when I told you MULTIPLE TIMES that I only cut on my thighs in these two squares so why are you tryna see all in my inner thighs and on the side of my hips and shit like😥😀 but yeah after that I was not left alone till I almost cursed and was about to make a scene in front ofmy sister so she let's me go and later that day I have therapy and she asks me stuff and idk why but she asked me do I hear voices after we start talking about imaginary friends nd talking to my self😭😭 like no bestie I do not💀 but after that it's pretty much my mom done my back not being able to be alone or in the bathroom trying to take an actual shit for once or so my hair and how I keep running to the bathroom like no😭 and her constantly asking how I'm doing and keep touching me nd shot giving me hugs don't get me wrong I live hugs but I hate being pitied so it just feels so fucking annoying and so belittling and she keeps saying I'm going through something. So enough with that situation part 3 next ig....

[ashtonisrottting]

cw: sh talk

.

I've been sh'ing non-stop for a whole month now and i think my brain is just focused on keeping the gray days on the calendar FOR FUN

[chemicalcarousel]

having a mental breakdown lol kinda wanna sh or kms. dunno what to do. we got no support and no the psych hospital can't help us. they are just gonna let us wait for at least 2 hrs in their waiting room and then tell us to go home or they might forcefully drug us as in get cops to hold us down and inject us with sedatives (happened to a friend of ours when they went to the psych er, my friend wasn't violent, they went there bc of sui ideation lol this country is a joke)

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

thank you steven (my dog) for kicking me in the gut as i’m actively having a breakdown and some of the worst sh thoughts i’ve ever had

this is his way of comforting me

[dyinglikeaarrtt]

Awake,

enough to hurt.

Always too foggy to see.

Neglect to everything,

except what is visible.

The emptiness grows larger, fuller -

but I can breathe

and I will write

and again I

boil my battle wounds

under the shower.

I can never rest though

until they are fresh -

almost as deep and

almost as red

as the lens on my dreams

[puppets-are-overreated]

little reminder for those assholes that don't tag their posts FUCKING TAG THEM.

yall don't wanna know how many times I have been peacefully scrolling then oh wow, that's someones fresh cuts. fucking wonderful. or someone talking about how pretty girls cut themself or something. like. I get you're coping. I once coped like that! but also, some of us don't wanna get triggered everyfucking time they go on Tumblr. so. to those people that don't tag their posts (EVEN REBLOGS NEED TAGS)

TAG. YOUR. TRIGGER. WARNINGS.

[juniper-bunch]

tw all caps

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FCUK YOU FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

YOU WERENT THERE AND WHEN YOU WERE IT WAS ONLY TO PUNISH ME. YOU ONLY BECAME CARING WHEN YOU PUSHED ME AWAY BUT THE MOMENT I SHOWED ANYTHING NEGATIVE IT WAS RIGHT BACK TO SQUARE ONE. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR “Oh but you dont have trauma” BULLSHIT. I DO. A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. A LOT OF IT FROM YOU. I FUCKING HATE PTSD AND THE OTHER FUCKING DISORDERS THAT CAME WITH IT AND ITS YOUR FAULT.

FUCK YOU FOR NEGLECTING ME AND FOR ONLY PUNISHING ME WHEN I NEEDED YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR NOT LOVING ME UNCONDITIONALLY FUCK YOU FOR ONLY SEEING ME AS AN EXTENSION OF YOURSELF FUCK YOU FOR DENYING WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU AND IGNORING ME

FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU

I FUCKING HATE YOU

I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE

I am a child, I dont even have a job or my license yet, and yet my body is covered in over 100, almost 200 scars. And yes I fucking counted. I counted for everytime I couldnt find a safer coping mechanism because you hurt me. My suicide attempts shouldn’t be on the verge of double digits. I shouldnt have any! And yet I do! A whole fucking lot! I fucking hate you and I hope you fucking suffer.

[solarwavejuice]

We are not going to survive it seems-

[impure-as-a-lamb]

i think i’ll stay clean until next winter. maybe i’ll gain some trust from my family again and i’ll be able to sh for a while.