#idk. just feels extremely gay to me
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lethe back at it again. vampire v-model
#vampire v-model yes uh huh#fork found in kitchen#ultrakill oc#ultrakill#help its so obvious that my way of drawing is being influenced by certain people#staring dead at user fried rice#but yeah this guy isn't named yet but tbh they may the most gay oc i have#idk. just feels extremely gay to me#what you doing biting men. and women. what are you gay.#anyways the arm works by taking in blood through the claws#like a needle#the blood then runs up the arm and goes inside this machines body#yep#thats it#okay bye#lethes art
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately
#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard#mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i#meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL#also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you#guys as a whole so it doesnt count#one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying#BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me#i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to#expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak#unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here#but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh#but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone#wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who#thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity#which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical#but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck#and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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something on my mind rn. as you all know i’m a lesbian. applause from the audience. and sometimes it just gets to be like annoying when. well. so i have at least A friend who’s asked me several times over ‘so you don’t have Any attraction to men? like at all?’ and i know they’re not being like malicious but you know. that answer has not changed since like seventh grade. and in the same vein it just feels aggravating when i have the nerve to say Oh i think she seems like a lesbian. that’s giving dyke. etc. and to be met with ‘umm well maybe she actually does like men.’ like. first of all in personal conversations if i’m just saying shit chances are i’m just going off of patterns from my own life or other lesbians i know. i’m not here for Bi Erasure and i promise you in this context your attraction to men is not ever invalidated as much as my lack of it. esp in college with so many people talking about their dating/app experiences and etc it’s 99.9999% of the time about men and i just Can’t participate in that conversation which is yk not the end of the world but a bit isolating and even if i do contribute anything it just feels like… a slight Stiffening like. and even just getting brushed off with Well yeah but you’re not even into guys. like real! i still have eyes though. and esp when my attraction isn’t being celebrated and engaged with in the way theirs is it’s just really fucking lonely! and maybe that’s a gross inner voice of insecurity that i’m projecting onto them but like you must get what i mean right. there’s still this odd air specifically around people who Do Not engage with men at all. and if i do make any kind of joke or comment abt someone maybe just Not being into guys i’m made into the asshole who’s invalidating their experiences etc when like. i’m just saying shit man idk. and it’s like many of these people are bi and claim attraction to women but get so like uncomfortable actually talking about it. i don’t think i’m the one with problems! i think there’s still some internalized shit there. you know. anyway all this to say as much as we’ve had the conversation of invalidating bi attraction some of you need to think about not treating gay attraction as this secondary awkward weird elephant in the room. and on a more personal note on top of the Everything that was getting under my skin last night this was just a cherry on top where i was feeling soo… misunderstood and invalidated lol even tho again i largely think those friends were being very supportive and kind to me. this is just one thing i was like. 😐
#esp cause the other one literally pulled the. well idk a man would have to be like Perfect but id still hook up with one. yeah it could be#any woman literally but you know men aren’t totally out of the picture if they’re like. Actually the most attractive man ever and then#i could just pretend it’s not a man#… and you want me to act like that’s not a dyke thing to say. like ok#i didn’t say that to her face btw she can figure that out herself. but you get what i’m working with#it’s so frustrating and truly. once again. just isolating. cause as long as people claim they’re into men it’s like they have this in for#so much bonding that i will never access cause i don’t give a fuck about men. so it’s like yeah i get defensive#esp speaking about a situation in which someone behaved so egregiously homoerotically with me and displayed many signs of um. being gay#and then could just run off with her bf she didn’t even seem to be that attracted to. u can see where#as MUCH as it’s not my goddamn business. when i’m dragged into that it would absolutely get under my skin and of course i’d say some stupid#shit about her needing to accept lesbianism into her heart. lol#because unfortch. yeah. That still came up as part of this. as much as i’d like to just forget it and move on#she just somehow fucking comes up and now it’s not even me obsessively talking abt it. it’s like that situation just cannot leave me alone#for my peace of mind. it’s been months. and that’s also sad and fucked for me cause it’s like#as horrible as that was for my like self esteem and peace of mind. it’s the fucking Only thing i had going for me in a long ass time#and since it just worked so well i latched onto it yk. and i have to trust as i get more confident and move on in the world#i’ll attract better people and whatnot#but it’s like personally extremely lonely and then just feels like an added stupid layer when. it just feels so invalidated in a way. idk#like no i did not have a relationship that i can technically mourn i just had a weird connection with someone who wouldn’t admit even the#slightest attraction even if it was glaringly obvious. it just preys on this stupid fucking loneliness i feel too. and i KNOW i don’t need#to constantly validate that and whatever and none of my friends actually think i’m delusional#it’s just that. i need to get a grip and not cling to it. like just accept it for what it is and go on. and when it’s brought up at random#when i’m already in a stupid sensitive spot it’s hard. u know. and then also w these friends they’re not used to hyperbole so when i say#shit like well i hope they die. they’re like Omg! 🙀 and i’m like oh my god i don’t mean that literally like. hello#this whole thing was not about film girl but of course she made a silly little guest appearance. in conversation#which is just embarrassing for me. you know.#pisses me off that she can move on and probably act like nothing even happened meanwhile i was over here sobbing like i’d been through#a heartbreak. and i’m remembered as like obsessive silly goofy crazy for it. and i was. but damn i’ve taken accountability for it 😭#abby talks#long post
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this might sound a bit. asshole-ish? but the type of gay ppl that go on vacation somewhere and go "cant believe we have to pretend to be roommates in this country because being gay is illegal here :(" get extremely on my nerves
#is it the fact that they make it seem like homophobia only exists abroad?#like they think the country theyre visiting is specifically gonna target THEM to imprision instead of like... the actual gay locals#that are more at risk???#or even when a single lgbt person goes abroad and is like 'i had to research what countries i could go to that are lgbt friendly'#as someone who is extremely cishet passing. and YOURE ALONE. and even if they yell slurs at you youre not gonna understand them so? idk#and its usually white people saying this too (and i say this as a white person). it just feels like them using their oppression bc they LIK#bc they LIKE to feel oppressed. like theyre cool. as in 'look at me i also have a hard time traveling'#(in comparison to poc's racist experiences abroad)#z xarre
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feels very strange to get podcast ads about how pride friendly orlando is rn what with the current political conditions of florida for very large swathes of the queer community
i mean i dont have any suggestions for like idk the marketing team of the orlando tourism board to do any better like i certainly wouldnt know how to advertise rn, thats a rough hand youre stuck with and i hope your shit ass transphobe fascist politicians drop dead.
just. wild to hear rn
#toy txt post#and like maybe it is a pride friendly area within florida but like the fact that im getting advertised it from a very different state#its just Feels Very Weird. its like the same energy as when companies started having normal ads again about having like#holiday gatherings and football parties in like 2021/2022? like no actually the unprecedented times are still upon us. your pandemic ads#were insufferable for sure like they felt very weird and stupid and patornizing and but you have somehow managed to Make It Worse#thats kinda how it feels like the same vibe. it was one thing before it was pride month and it was just like casually trying to convince me#to come to universal and disney but now its june so theyre talking about their Gay Days#and like it would almost certainly be very weird and uncomfortable if it was like listen we acknowledge the current guy we have#is going like full blown fascist with an intent on genociding queer and particularly trans ppl but like listen we installed this new ride#and we'd really like for it to pay for itself with ticket sales or whatever. idk just feels weird. i dont know if i have a suggestion for#the advertising board of tourism in orlando to do differently like i dont have a suggestion for them except to maybe get that fucker out of#office. and it probably feels less weird if ur like In The State or in another state with similar horrifying shit#its probably like well whatever and thats fair. i mean its not fair i hope all your transphobic fascist ass politicians drop dead and that#yall will be safe#anyway. just. very weird. anyway idk. @mouse if you kill desantis with no mercy just fucking destroy his ass#ill forgive u a little bit and consider hitting up your extremely expensive theme park if i have the funds. universal if u pitch in on#destorying that bastard ill consider visiting you again too. again if i have the funds. i wont go to the terf wizard section but i do want#to see the new hulk track 🥺#ppl of florida especially marginalized ppl of florida. you deserve so much fucking better than you got im so sorry#floridian govt makes me so mad for like the regular human reasons of. they suck for a lot of fucking people and also the very important and#unique ecosystems yall have down there but also for the personal selfish reasons of. florida seems like Really Cool if it didnt have#like#the fascists. and gun culture. id love the climate. well. on the Atlantic side. gulf too warm for me personally. so many creatures down#there. cool places and you got those Very themey theme parks and listen i would like disney to have less power (#(AFTER THEY DISEMBOWEL DESANTIS. I WANT THEM TO DESTROY HIM AND HIS CRONIES FIRST. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ANYTHING)#but like they did kinda go off with the Theming. i do love that. universal too BUT. not to derail this post into roller coasters but also#sorry that is a thing im incapablw of being normal about sorry UH universal also went tf off with the themeing and i Love it HOWEVER#i do with the coasters were more. visible. i cant speak for disney i only went once as a very small tiny child and i remember nothing#but i went to universal in high school like Right before they completely retracked hulk and the theming was incredible i was obsessed.#but there was no way to see most of the coasters without actually riding them which i did find very disappointing.
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I am currently such a mess lmao
#I think I might kinda be a lil bit gay for one of my friends#Bc she’s really pretty and funny and she makes me happy when I’m around her??? But idk if this is a romantic vibe or what???#And I also kinda like that one guy? The one I’ve talked about before. The spider squashin flower guy#Bc he’s adorable?? And he’s funny and smart?? Easy to talk to?? And he laughs at my jokes in class?? He??#Aaaaaaaaaaaand I’m to anxiety filled to do anything about it#So I’ll just sit here quietly and hope one of them makes a move#Bc I am too confused and clumsy to sort out my own feelings lmao#welcome to extreme adhd hours with jay
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l@imari has a place in my heart fr
#m/f ways? Extremely Bisexual. f/f ways? smirks...#cannot help but project my autism gender/sexuality onto laios due to woke#1. gender is extremely constructed and not directly correlated to personality all the time. though i generally find gnc people more#attractive regardless of gender but it depends. 2. i despise the social expecation of sex and gender and i think no matter my sex assigned#would probably be trans because i dont feel specifically Male but i refuse and reject being defined by my body and social rules regarding i#social rules chafe my assssssssssss i get ittttt pretty feathers cute little dance watever courting is weird#Why do people suppress themselves?their interests? why is fun childish? these are things that play into our gender perception too#i have genuinely come to believe autistic people and other NDs serve just as important a social function as things like social cohesion and#that is not having the same instinct to fit in as is appropriate#because sometimes fitting in isnt appropriate whether youre conscious of it or not i think its just stupid we cant play tuoys#once were too old or its weird#SIGHS. this became more about me than l@imari.#anyways. thats why i like tfem laios i dont think shed even bother thinking about who specifically she likes genderwise shed be distracted#with other stuff whether the Gender the King stuff or a romantic exploit#no matter how much i think on it i cant define my sexuality#i like droopy or unique eye shapes#i like muscles and fat#i like long hair i like larger lips i like gentleness and conscientiousness and openness and it always goes like this lol#i prefer my men feminine and my women masculine but not always#umm oh body hair <3 <3 <3 <3 and tits. not of any particular size but they gotta be good.#i know genitals that look more pleasing to the eye from ones that are less. they arent all just weird and ugly to me or anything but#other than that stuff i dont think i can call myself bi or pan because its not just about personality and gender does matter in ways but#IDK im nonbinary and gay so whatever its no matter... i think i would get a weird sense of euphoria if a nb/gnc lesbian was attracted to m
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before i go bed i need to- [explodes into 10000 pieces]
#iam just having some extremely sappy cheesy thoughts and#am trying to not. text people at two in the morning anymore.#or at least as often#after the macaroni monologue thing (i am so sorry for that still btws)#idk#just#augh#thought about my bf too hard and now im going to explode!!! you understand!!!#was looking through the folder i have of his drawings and it just got me feeling sentimental snd gay#idfk#i just. augh. love him#hes so goofy and ridiculous and how can you not#physically restraining myself from just telling him i love him whenever he says something Awful sometimes#cause it sucks. that cursed message sucks. but you said it and idk it can only be conveyed with a sigh and 'i love you' cause#how did you come up with that. love your brain.#not going to kill the convo to just say that though. but its there a lot. way more often then youd guess#isaiah caught being gay on sideblog instead of messaging his bf jail 1000000 years#whatever (<- guy bursting atthe seams full of love)#okag goodnight i have now deleted at least twelve tags i wrote so im not overwhelmingly sappy tonight#goodnight im going to bed kissing my cat on the head for you all and sleeping oh so soundly
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actually. i need to go to another function with a bunch of queer people that i don’t know to fill the gap in my life where for whatever reason i just never met any other trans or queer or autistic folks and just thought i was unloveable. need to go get drunk with more strangers who i will never see again but love forever
#need to go talk about the experience of never feeling alive with a bunch of other people who know what i mean genuinely#also i do know a lot of gay and trans people NOW but i feel like i’m not really around them as much ? like they’re just not in my immediate#social circle. and obviously i love my friends but it’s kind of isolating sometimes and i wish i could talk to more people without the#autism kicking in and making things hard lul#casual rant on main sorry#and like i’m so lucky to be around people who really do support me#but at the same time it’s like i’m talking into a void since i know i’m experiencing things they just can’t ever fully understand and idk#when i go to uni next year hopefully life will open up a bit lul also when i eliminate my extreme fear of extended socialising#maybe if i were less scared of building lasting friendships outside of the ones i already have we wouldn’t be here
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I love when old, bad, F&R choices can be made into old, GOOD, F&R choices with a small helping of making Jess a worse* person again
#thats always the right way to go with this whole thing I find#This is specifically about The War Dove. Just have that rejection/cannibalization lean into the cannibalization bit#Boom bada bing suddenly the emotional dynamic between Apip n Jess makes sense#Conflicted on if I should de-yurify Jess's whole deal too and lean into the just-suppressed-enough transmasculinity#Bc A gay (or straight! unsure) man refusing to transition proper in favor of never addressing a feeling ever is soo compelling to me#But also GENUINE fucked up lesbian homoeriotic tensions r soo good#Hmm. Might manage to eat my cake n have it too actually#Since the bigger plot focus on their like. thousands of years old god-selves gives me a LOT of room#To REALLY Centerpiece Vermillion n Tarrid's nostalgia-sopping pseudo-affair#I also like. kinda have to expand more on Tarrid n Apip's dynamic considering. everything.#Hmmmm but idk how to do Jess's character like that w/out fulling either antagonizing im or haveing a kinda overly-bleak emotional tone#Kill your darlings ik ik but its harrd. I think i might have to though.#Wait a fucking minute all if F&R is just about role prescribption what. Oh jesus christ now I HAVE to do Jess like that#ESPECIALLY with the war dove stuff.#Trans as hell fucking story. I mean obv but extremely.
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i have such strong memories related to black sails like. it was my mom's birthday. during a weekend. think 2018/2019. we went away for the weekend to this. place. idk what its called in english but yk rent a tiny house for like a few days. whatever. i can remember what it looked like. i sat on that couch watching black sails. my sister and i had to share a room and i managed to break the bed (not permanently) i had to sleep on & because even after fixing it i didnt trust it, i slept on the floor. it was on that floor that i watched s2 of black sails. it was on that floor that i saw that fucking scene that fundamentally changed me as a person. because. listen. black sails was one of the first shows id watched with a queer story. with not one but two major plot threads revolving around queer people's relationships. i remember sitting in the car in the dark as the rest of my family was ordering fries for us and i remember my mom going "hey look gay couple!" in a restaurant. it doesnt feel real. that entire weekend is a fever dream. i thought i was just watching a pirate show. the pirates were gay. the pirates were fucking gay bro. i cried over that show. i wept at the end of it. i had to play boardgames for my mom's birthday and pretend like i wasnt going insane because the pirates were gay and i was just. ough. i was 14 or 15 and i was barely out and i was new to being queer in any capacity and it was such an experience.
#i really think my extreme reactions as like. a 14ish year old to stuff like 'is hannibal in love with me' & the wedding crashing#in shadowhunters and the kiss in black sails.#i really think that shouldve clued me in on the fact that i was trans & gay. earlier.#which doesnt make sense since im also aromantic but eh. yk. seeing people like yourself on a screen for the first time#even before you know? wild. insane#current 13 year olds doing discourse on tik tok have never experienced the utter surprise that was black sails.#they have never experienced growing up to 12 unaware lesbians even EXISTED because queer people barely existed in media#i really feel like ive grown up alongside queer media.#just. i remember tlok. & shera. & adventure time. all kids shows!#& then ofmd? last year? i spent the entire time convinced id get queerbaited#i started watching it when episode 4 had just aired and i. i thought it was queerbait.#it wasnt until they actually kissed that i sat there like. huh. spn really did fuck with my head#DO YOU KNOW. HOW FUCKIGN INSANE IT WAS. TO SEE A NONBINARY PERSON#criticize monster/robot nonbinary characters all you like but when i first saw double trouble i was just.#getting to witness o14's development since season of dawn in real time was also amazing#idk.#i think writing valerian has made me really really emotional about gay middleaged men again#also its late. and i miss black sails. i should rewatch black sails
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I think I have a weird positionality within gay spaces cuz I am extremely transmasc passing, like ppl have gone months without realizing that I'm not in fact transmasc, and like when I meet transmasc ppl, like especially transmasc dykes, they very much greet me as one of them in ways i definitely dont see them doing to my sisters.
This feels especially true for like transmascs who are very much attached to their lesbianism (which I have no qualms with inherently), because I think a lot of the gender I perform in these spaces is very lesbian, even though I have no particular attachment to lesbianism as any sort of ism. I get invited to these spaces that are treated as definitively 'lesbian,' and despite the variety of lesbian and bisexual cis women, nonbinary people, and transmascs, dolls are usually either entirely absent, or in very small numbers, especially in relation to the number in the area that outwardly should have a place in the space.
I really don't think it's malicious or conscious, and I don't think in most of the instances I have experienced that being perceived as a TS woman would have led to outright hostility, I just think people are so used to excluding TS women like high schoolers excluding the one weird kid in class. It's usually not going to be name calling and harassment, most of the time it's gonna be treating them poorly but with plausible deniability, make them feel like they're talking to a wall, make them feel just unwelcome enough that it's them who makes the choice to walk away. Cuz if it was their choice, well, you don't have to confront the fact that you excluded them.
So then dolls find and make their own spaces. Cuz we need somewhere to be, we need some kind of community. I feel more gay community at a local hardcore show than I feel at lesbian mud wrestling. Cuz even though most of the crowd is gonna be cishet, I'll see way more sisters there than at any lesbian event. And community isn't just "demographic," it's a network of people whose names and faces you know. And it's hard to get to know people when they make your sisters feel unwelcome.
Idk I dont really have a point here, it's mostly just some noticing I've been doing, and it just bums me out. Blah
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ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS (part 1)
(remember, im NOT a professional astrologist, im just doing random observations for fun. Do not take everything I say seriously)
Moon Observations
-cancer moon natives tends to like a bad boy type of guy (or cancer people in general idk)
-moon trine neptune natives have an EXTREME CONNECTION with music, it's surreal
-moon opposite pluto natives = mommy issues
-people with moon at 4 degrees usually have beautiful singing voices
Lilith Observations
-lilith sextile venus natives r like the great attractor of the universe, everyone feels sexually attracted by them. they can make the straights turn gay 👏/j (or not)
-lilith square ascendant natives = often sexualized
-lilith in pisces are constantly thinking out of this world, they feel like theyre not from here (pisces lilith here!!)
Venus Observations
-Venus in aries are so fucking horny like omfg calm tf down
-Venus in 11th house are social butterflies
-Venus square neptune native/transit makes u a big delulu in love
Neptune Observations
-neptune asp sun natives are always thinking about the future and their career
-neptune conjuct lilith are witchy bitches
-neptune in the 9th house natives are very open minded, spiritual and with a good taste for arts
ty for reading yo %ᵕ‿‿ᵕ%
sorry for the short thread lolz but im not THAT of an expert when it comes to astrology so i just put out some things that i knew
btw ill be doing moon observations soon (now I AM a moon expert) so dont forget to follow me hihi
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