#idk. just feels extremely gay to me
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lethe back at it again. vampire v-model
#vampire v-model yes uh huh#fork found in kitchen#ultrakill oc#ultrakill#help its so obvious that my way of drawing is being influenced by certain people#staring dead at user fried rice#but yeah this guy isn't named yet but tbh they may the most gay oc i have#idk. just feels extremely gay to me#what you doing biting men. and women. what are you gay.#anyways the arm works by taking in blood through the claws#like a needle#the blood then runs up the arm and goes inside this machines body#yep#thats it#okay bye#lethes art
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Part 2 of Jazz and Prowl in space!
Gonna start calling it Odds of Survival.
Prowl loves entrusting his life to reckless strangers.
———————————————————————
Prowl pulled the release to the airlock and the music was swallowed by the vacuum of space.
Bursting forward, Jazz launched outwards riding the pop of escaping air. The first quintesson had its eye socket repurposed as an ankle bracelet before the second measure even began.
Ah.
Prowl probably should have specified he wanted to try speeding past rather than confront their opponents directly.
Jazz's improvised footwear writhed sluggishly before the mech twisted his ped inside its brain case, finishing it off and turning to face the next nearest opponent.
Odds of survival 26%
The white and blue mech launched himself upwards as the nearest quintesson went for a dive bomb. It's teeth breaking on impact with the sky bridge. Jazz twisted in midair.
They fell in slow motion, back arching against a starlit backdrop. An upside down visor met blue optics. Jazz nodded his head to the side, flicking one horn up and one horn down.
Did he just wink? (#^%)
The falling mech unsheathed a blade from his wrist, driving it through the sputtering quintesson.
Oh Primus has he been flirting the entire time?
Jazz spun, slicing into the next quint to close the distance.
I can not. I can not assume that was intentional. It has to be a cultural miscommunication.
The last two quintessons pounced. Swinging hard, Jazz caught one's jaws with a forearm while he kicked the downed another in the side of the head. The third was attempting to bite into his back but the teeth couldn't get a full purchase on the rounded compact plating.
Odds of survival 22%.
Prowl snapped out of his social etiquette downward spiral. Sprinting from the safety of the airlock door, he knelt behind a large section of external piping, lining up his shots.
Tacnet spun to work.
It was designed to calculate hundreds of possible variations of large scale engagements, including the number of soldiers, type of weaponry available and could even determine the approximate number of ammunitions that would be left over, provided Prowl had enough data at his disposal.
Calculating the marksmanship needed to dispatch three hostiles at medium range while distracted by a highly competent ally?
Odds of Survival 32%
Laughable.
Three shots burst through the thin atmosphere.
Quintesson wreckers were built thick skulled and stubborn. Luckily they came with easily identifiable gaps in their organic construction.
The Quints fell from Jazz, each with a smoking hole where and eye used to be. Jazz looked at Prowl, then the smoking quintessons and back up to Prowl before doing finger guns again.
Speaking of thick skulled and stubborn.
Prowl put on his best Commanders Scowl and pointed in the direction they needed to be currently running in.
Doorwing sensors hiked as he picked up on movement from behind. The incoming hostiles was palpable even in the moons thin atmosphere. Quintessons rarely favored stealth.
Prowl began running.
Jazz kept pace, half turned around to keep track of the incoming troop. Prowl kept his optics locked forward, not remotely willing to risk tripping on the torn apart path.
Tacnet locked on to a large silvery pillow that'd been exposed to the atmosphere.
Expanding LLX Lithium battery. Explosion on contact 90%
Prowl shouted a warning but the air was too thin to carry beyond his own audials.
Jazz will step on the lithium battery in 1.5 clicks (88%) and will be critically injured in at least one leg (76%).
Prowl grabbed Jazz's servo and yanked.
Music erupted in the moment of connection.
Vibrations ran up his arm and across his frame. Inside his audials, Prowl could make out the song Jazz had begun in the airlock. Looking at his visor, mouth agape, only one thought could form in Prowls mind.
How fragging loud is he playing that music?!?
Jazz perked up, and pulled Prowl around in an arc. Multiple sharp impacts thudded into the ground behind him. Prowl turned and almost wished he hadn’t.
Three heavily armored Quintesson bombers equipped with bio-mechanical ballista.
The javelin like spikes were as long as Prowls arm and designed to pin targets in place while the slow moving blimp-like body of the bomber got into position to blow them all to the Pit.
Prowl tugged Jazz in the direction of their objective, refusing to let go in case he tried to launch himself at the bombers. Prowl wasn't sure how Jazz would manage to do so, but Prowl felt an overwhelming nagging sensation in his tanks that he'd fragging try.
Jazz was evidently fine with this arrangement.
As the music pulsed between their palms, Jazz leapt at a diagonal, pulling Prowl along for the ride. The low gravity was so damn floaty. It continually forced Prowl to readjust his footing so he wasn't frantically treading air every time his peds left the ground.
Jazz was evidently fine with that too.
Another round of ammunitions impacted where the two of them had been running.
Their egress began to take on a pattern Prowl was quick to pick up on. It took the bombers 8 clicks to reload, launching at the same time, half a click after musical flair in Jazz's song. At the moment of the flair, the mech would launch them in a nearly unpredictable pattern. After the first two times of nearly getting his arm dislocated, Prowl began catching onto these moments and moved his momentum in sync with Jazz.
They'd started dancing.
The Tactician had an iron fisted focus on matching Jazz’s frankly eradicate lead. The longer the duet continued, the more data he had to work with. Prowl steadily progressed from Reacting to Anticipating. Feeling a core deep satisfaction that came from sinking into mastering a new skill.
By the time they’d escaped the bombers range, they’d made it too the base of the first hurdle.
Their reprieve would only be brief. The bombers would catch up in approximately 50 clicks (88%), giving the mechs a small window of precious semi-safety in which they needed to scale the wall before them.
Prowl craned his helm back at the barrier.
He would not be able to scale it on his own in time (95%).
Could Jazz? (65%)
While carrying him? (19%)
Jazz rapidly tapped his side.
The alien was crouched low, impossible legs bent with potential energy. He tapped his own back, gesturing for Prowl to grab on already.
Prowl threw himself over the mechs broad back. His digits frantically searched for a hand hold, flinching away from nearly digging into fragile vents.
I can’t-
Jazz leapt.
“You’re really grab-able - Isn’t that kinda stupid?”
Stupid stupid stupid.
Prowl skated off of Jazz’s rounded compact plating, that he specifically SAID was supposed to make him hard to hold on to.
He landed hard on his aft, denta clanking together painfully.
47 clicks remaining.
Jazz hit the ground beside him before Prowl had fully gotten back up. Now facing him, Jazz grabbed Prowl by both wrists and pulled him chassis to chassis. Jazz positioned his arms to link Prowls servos behind his helm, then set his own servos tightly onto Prowls waist.
Jazz nodded once, like he was satisfied with what he’d just done.
Prowl made a facial expression that a psychiatrist would find concerning.
42 Clicks.
Jazz nodded again, like expected Prowl to respond in any coherent manner, and lifted.
Prowls legs swung forward on instinct. Following the motion, Jazz wrapped them around his waist. Through the screaming haze of his processor, Prowl had the presence of mind to lock his ankles together as he realized Jazz’s true intentions, and manually aborted the logic cascade that had nearly crashed over him.
Package secured, Jazz let go and started their ascension.
Legs bent at an impossible angle to slam multi segmented peds flat against the metal walls. Despite Prowl’s body blocking most of his view, the alien mech was unfettered by the lack of vision. Jazz hardly bothered with proper hand holds, instead opting for incredibly strong magnetic grip built into his servos.
The magnetic backwash splashed over Prowls doors wings, forcing him to temporarily offline them or risk crippling vertigo. The structure they were scaling shook violently like something large had just irrevocably broken.
This is fine this is fine this is fine this is fine.
At 35 click’s remaining, Prowl centered himself enough to search for their pursuers.
Damn it!
The bombers were a fraction faster than he initially calculated. Six clicks before we’re in range (87%). Luckily, Jazz was more than a fraction faster than initially calculated as well. At this rate, they’d reach the top simultaneously.
No reason not to be proactive.
Prowl found that if he tightly cupped one servo around the back of Jazz’s helm, he had just enough leverage to bring out a side arm. After all, the bombers were already in range of him.
Steadying his elbow over the other mechs shoulder, Prowl took aim.
Five clicks.
The bombers flew in V formation.
Four clicks.
Too heavily armored for a standard sidearm to pierce.
Three clicks.
The lead bomber opened up its front in preparation for combat.
Got you.
Prowl threaded the gap, his shot skirting over the ballista in favor of impacting the bombers prodigious cargo. He watched something spark inside a split second before it succumbed to total annihilation.
The shockwave felt like a single soft papft of a breeze in the starlit air.
Jazz hefted them over the top of the wall, not dropping Prowl in favor of sprinting with him at full speed across the top of the hurdle.
One of his arms curled around to support Prowls back, allowing the Praxian to release his death grip on their helm. Prowl leaned back into the hold, allowing Jazz freedom to see again.
Jazz turned his helm around 180 degrees-
Did not know he could do that did not know he could do that.
- to look at the fire works behind them.
Jazz whistled appreciatively at the sight. He turned back to Prowl, visor locked onto his face as they carried him across the roof.
Reverberating music, nearly crashing, numbed doorwings, and a deeply satisfying kill all followed by a display of casual body horror was making Prowl just a little bit delirious. As a result, Prowl wasn’t entirely sure what expression he was making, just that Jazz was inordinately fascinated with it.
Without looking away, Jazz leapt off the end of the roof.
Prowl watched as Jazz glanced over his shoulder and back to him.
Do a double take.
And then crush Prowl to his chassis.
Jazz’s visor was over bright, both horns snapped completely forward and from somewhere inside his chassis, Prowl could feel some internal component spinning into overdrive, sounding for all the world like teeny tiny screaming.
Why are we still falling.
Prowl turned as far as possible in Jazz’s iron grip.
The sky bridge was collapsing.
Odds of Survival 4%
———————————————————————
Jazz, everytime Prowl one-shots an enemy: I need to get his number.
If you’re curious, the song Jazz is playing can be whatever you like. Personally I kept switching between listening to “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” by Kiss and “I Feel Love” 12” version by Donna Summer while writing.
- SSTP
OH GOD AHAHJFKFK THIS IS SO FUCKING GREAT HELP
And the concept of music playing between them??? I'm s o l d. "I was made for lovin' you baby" is basically JP OST for me at this point ehehhmgmgm
Jazz: Hookay I need to transport the machinery from the point A to point B. Focus! Let's go!
Prowl: One of those tiktok videos where you can see some Reddit post and hear AI narrating it while Minecraft parkour is playing on the background. Except it's gay panic instead of reddit post and internal screaming instead of narration and even more gay panic instead of minecraft. ......and everything is overheating probably lmao
Also can you really call it a JP fic if their odds of survival never dropped lower than 10% according to Prowls brain? Ahahjgkgk all amazing JP fics have to do this. It's inevitable and I love it so much~~
#You made me think of like....#Jazz is impossible to grab unless he wants you to grab him#so whenever Prowl wants to hold/grab/stop him he can do that because Jazz lets him. Like he feels a hand touching his shoulder and stops#or smth#while Prowl is very grabbable and Jazz could just yank him by literally any part of his body lol#Cybertronians made of metal plates with pretty wide gaps between them#also often placed in layers#so Jazz could just stick his fingers literally anywhere and ta daaah~ perfect holder#....well if we don't count the fact that sticking your hands under someone's plates is extremely intimate gesture for those you're close wit#or doctors#where do I lead with this thought#idk. I just think it's funny. Cultural miscommunication do be extremely gay flavored in mecha universe what can I say#mecha writing#mecha jp writing#mecha pilot jazz au#jazz#prowl#jazzprowl
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Hiiii I saw you say you have Notes on your Remus and Janus designs 👀👀?
Could we see/hear some tidbits?
FOR SURE !! Here's what the original doodles for their designs look like, first off, (I know you didn't ask for Virgil but I did these three at the same time)
When I drew this I had just finished an exam and had to wait another hour until I could leave the classroom, so I wrote down enough notes that I had to flip the page instead:
Virgil:
- Virgil has light brown hair that he dyes black (badly). It is essential that the dye job look like shit. It looks artificial, his roots are showing, there's patches where the color didn't take, etc etc.
- He also has blue eyes, which I decided on mostly because it makes it even more clear that his hair isn't naturally black.
- He wears earrings, but his ears aren't actually pierced — they're fake little little clip-on things.
- He wears black nail polish at all times, but it's always chipped because he gets the cheapest stuff he can get his hands on.
- His hair (especially his bangs) get very long at times because he gets too socially anxious to go to the hairdresser. Back in middle school, he used to have Janus cut them for him (Remus could have done a better job but trusting him with scissors would have been a mistake). Now he mostly cuts it off by himself — it looks about as good as his dye job.
- Virgil's purple hoodie is a leftover from Remus' fashion design endeavors that Remus thought didn't look weird enough.
Janus:
- He has naturally strawberry blonde hair. The length is very important to him — he started growing it towards the end of middle school. (He allows Remus to experiment with hairdos sometimes as long as he doesn't cut anything off. I need to draw that sometime)
- I'm not entirely settled on his eye color. I know at least one of his eyes is a very pretty brown, but I have half a mind to give him a yellow glass eye for his left side — I'm not sure it'd make any logistic sense for his situation, though
- He got his ears actually pierced when he was 16.
- He also may or may not have a forked tongue. Not sure how I'd ever be able to show that off — but if he does have one, then Remus definitely was the one to encourage him to do it.
- His fashion style was definitely influenced by being around Remus (who may have used him as a mannequin/dummy because he's small.) so much. Remus also attempted to make clothes for him, but Janus is very fancy and picky, so he doesn't wear those clothes very often (though he might accessorize with stuff Remus made for him occasionally).
Remus:
- He has naturally very dark hair. He uses temporary/surface level dyes a lot, but if he's using permanent or semi-permanent dyes, he's usually limiting himself to the grey streak — it's kind of a sample strand, since it's already bleached. He 100% copied his hairstyle from Roman's.
- He (and Roman, of course) has greenish blue eyes.
- Janus paid for him to get his ears (and eyebrows) professionally pierced because otherwise he was just going to do it himself with a sewing needle.
- He has a lot of very shitty stick-and-poke tattoos he made/makes on himself. They're almost always hidden by his outfits.
- Speaking of which, Remus makes most of his outfits costumes himself. The quality of the work may vary, but they are always way too over-the-top for casual wear, because he stands out anyway, so... in for a penny, right. (As I said in the tags of a post: he is very creative and has no shame or social anxiety at all, so he had his whole aesthetic ("overdramatic green") figured out by the time he was 13)
- He also has SH scars, but, again — they're hidden by his outfits 99% of the time. He's a slut who never shows an inch of skin
#their design go in order of intensity Virgil → Janus → Remus#virgil likes to express himself but is too chicken to do anything too extreme so he's limited to softcore emo#janus is definitely fancier than most but he wears stuff i still definitely see every day at my uni#(i see people wearing corsets regularly at my uni idk what other people's experiences are. English litt major in a non-English country...)#(for those who don't know that's a gay as fuck major)#and then Remus looks like he's in the middle of a stage production every single day. with makeup to match#OH this is somewhat of a college AU ! Roman is also there and Remus' class does costumes for Roman's occasionally#Roman does theater and Remus does visual arts (design major/fashion minor bc there was no fashion major)#Janus and Patton are philosophy majors and of course Virgil is a psychology major#and then we have Logan in biochemical ingeneering for obvious reasons.#i have so much lore sorry for rambling .#anyway they keep a lot of their original designs because it just fits them#BUT i needed to include virgil having a shitty hairdo/dye and etc because he is. SUCH a try-hard in my mind.#emo sure. but he looks wannabe emo. it's Essential. he's fake ! he wants to fit in! with the gay kids sure but he still wants to fit in!#it's very clear that his hair is dyed because it's very clear that he is a wannabe. it is so important to me.#also the tidbit about him not being able to go to the hairdresser. is ALSO SO IMPORTANT. he pretends the shitty hairstyle is intentional.#even his signature hoddie is someone else's leftovers. He Borrows. From A Lot Of Places. but he doesnt have a real identity of his own yet.#you wouldnt guess while reading these tags but im actually way more passionate avout Janus and Remus than i am about virgil#it's just that i project onto virgil so so so much .#anyway SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE AGAIN. I KEEP DOING THAT#ask#idrawgaystffs#sanders sides#lbau#drawing#traditional#rant#do i character tag this. i dont feel like feel like character tagging this#OH AND thank you so much for asking !!! as you can tell i really like talking . about them
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately
#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard#mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i#meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL#also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you#guys as a whole so it doesnt count#one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying#BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me#i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to#expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak#unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here#but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh#but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone#wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who#thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity#which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical#but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck#and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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something on my mind rn. as you all know i’m a lesbian. applause from the audience. and sometimes it just gets to be like annoying when. well. so i have at least A friend who’s asked me several times over ‘so you don’t have Any attraction to men? like at all?’ and i know they’re not being like malicious but you know. that answer has not changed since like seventh grade. and in the same vein it just feels aggravating when i have the nerve to say Oh i think she seems like a lesbian. that’s giving dyke. etc. and to be met with ‘umm well maybe she actually does like men.’ like. first of all in personal conversations if i’m just saying shit chances are i’m just going off of patterns from my own life or other lesbians i know. i’m not here for Bi Erasure and i promise you in this context your attraction to men is not ever invalidated as much as my lack of it. esp in college with so many people talking about their dating/app experiences and etc it’s 99.9999% of the time about men and i just Can’t participate in that conversation which is yk not the end of the world but a bit isolating and even if i do contribute anything it just feels like… a slight Stiffening like. and even just getting brushed off with Well yeah but you’re not even into guys. like real! i still have eyes though. and esp when my attraction isn’t being celebrated and engaged with in the way theirs is it’s just really fucking lonely! and maybe that’s a gross inner voice of insecurity that i’m projecting onto them but like you must get what i mean right. there’s still this odd air specifically around people who Do Not engage with men at all. and if i do make any kind of joke or comment abt someone maybe just Not being into guys i’m made into the asshole who’s invalidating their experiences etc when like. i’m just saying shit man idk. and it’s like many of these people are bi and claim attraction to women but get so like uncomfortable actually talking about it. i don’t think i’m the one with problems! i think there’s still some internalized shit there. you know. anyway all this to say as much as we’ve had the conversation of invalidating bi attraction some of you need to think about not treating gay attraction as this secondary awkward weird elephant in the room. and on a more personal note on top of the Everything that was getting under my skin last night this was just a cherry on top where i was feeling soo… misunderstood and invalidated lol even tho again i largely think those friends were being very supportive and kind to me. this is just one thing i was like. 😐
#esp cause the other one literally pulled the. well idk a man would have to be like Perfect but id still hook up with one. yeah it could be#any woman literally but you know men aren’t totally out of the picture if they’re like. Actually the most attractive man ever and then#i could just pretend it’s not a man#… and you want me to act like that’s not a dyke thing to say. like ok#i didn’t say that to her face btw she can figure that out herself. but you get what i’m working with#it’s so frustrating and truly. once again. just isolating. cause as long as people claim they’re into men it’s like they have this in for#so much bonding that i will never access cause i don’t give a fuck about men. so it’s like yeah i get defensive#esp speaking about a situation in which someone behaved so egregiously homoerotically with me and displayed many signs of um. being gay#and then could just run off with her bf she didn’t even seem to be that attracted to. u can see where#as MUCH as it’s not my goddamn business. when i’m dragged into that it would absolutely get under my skin and of course i’d say some stupid#shit about her needing to accept lesbianism into her heart. lol#because unfortch. yeah. That still came up as part of this. as much as i’d like to just forget it and move on#she just somehow fucking comes up and now it’s not even me obsessively talking abt it. it’s like that situation just cannot leave me alone#for my peace of mind. it’s been months. and that’s also sad and fucked for me cause it’s like#as horrible as that was for my like self esteem and peace of mind. it’s the fucking Only thing i had going for me in a long ass time#and since it just worked so well i latched onto it yk. and i have to trust as i get more confident and move on in the world#i’ll attract better people and whatnot#but it’s like personally extremely lonely and then just feels like an added stupid layer when. it just feels so invalidated in a way. idk#like no i did not have a relationship that i can technically mourn i just had a weird connection with someone who wouldn’t admit even the#slightest attraction even if it was glaringly obvious. it just preys on this stupid fucking loneliness i feel too. and i KNOW i don’t need#to constantly validate that and whatever and none of my friends actually think i’m delusional#it’s just that. i need to get a grip and not cling to it. like just accept it for what it is and go on. and when it’s brought up at random#when i’m already in a stupid sensitive spot it’s hard. u know. and then also w these friends they’re not used to hyperbole so when i say#shit like well i hope they die. they’re like Omg! 🙀 and i’m like oh my god i don’t mean that literally like. hello#this whole thing was not about film girl but of course she made a silly little guest appearance. in conversation#which is just embarrassing for me. you know.#pisses me off that she can move on and probably act like nothing even happened meanwhile i was over here sobbing like i’d been through#a heartbreak. and i’m remembered as like obsessive silly goofy crazy for it. and i was. but damn i’ve taken accountability for it 😭#abby talks#long post
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I’m also working through a reread of the stormlight archive so I can read WaT soon but I am so so so afraid
#like there are so many things I’m apprehensive about for WaT#like. I am EXTREMELY ambivalent about the choice of flashback character#Szeth? SZETH??#I’m sorry to be a hater but I don’t give a fuck about szeth#I was hoping the flashback character would be Jasnah 😭😭😭#also I feel like this book is going to make or break the series’ themes re: colonialism and slavery#and sanderson has not had a great track record on that front so far#but maybe he will impress me! I will hold out hope#and final point is apparently there are gay people in this one? but I haven’t heard ANYTHING about it on tumblr#which is terrifying. because if there are gay people in a sanderson book I shouldn’t be able to escape the insanity#maybe I’m just following the wrong people. idk.#so 😬😬😬
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Thala would be blaring Good Luck, Babe rn
#writing journal#wip: seafoam#mc: thala galanis#sc: ismi kokinos#book: tss#I haven't come up with her married surname yet and idk if I want to#I don't think Ismi is gay but should could be an extremely repressed bi woman#they were never anything but there was always the hint of something lingering in the far reaches of their friendship#but the conversation (if you can even call it that) squashed any remaining feelings that Thala had for her#she was Thala's first kiss and first crush but the feelings weren't quite reciprocated#and then she married a man#had his baby#we don't really see much of Ismi (tho we are seeing a lot more of her in this draft) but she's a sad case#that being said she's not entirely in the right#she's just had an unhappy escape from the life that Thala now is doomed to live and she doesn't know how lucky she is#if you can even call it luck#idk there's a lot of misogyny at play in Seafoam and not just the super obvious plot line lmao#the men of Grea ain't shit#the tags got away from me lmao
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l@imari has a place in my heart fr
#m/f ways? Extremely Bisexual. f/f ways? smirks...#cannot help but project my autism gender/sexuality onto laios due to woke#1. gender is extremely constructed and not directly correlated to personality all the time. though i generally find gnc people more#attractive regardless of gender but it depends. 2. i despise the social expecation of sex and gender and i think no matter my sex assigned#would probably be trans because i dont feel specifically Male but i refuse and reject being defined by my body and social rules regarding i#social rules chafe my assssssssssss i get ittttt pretty feathers cute little dance watever courting is weird#Why do people suppress themselves?their interests? why is fun childish? these are things that play into our gender perception too#i have genuinely come to believe autistic people and other NDs serve just as important a social function as things like social cohesion and#that is not having the same instinct to fit in as is appropriate#because sometimes fitting in isnt appropriate whether youre conscious of it or not i think its just stupid we cant play tuoys#once were too old or its weird#SIGHS. this became more about me than l@imari.#anyways. thats why i like tfem laios i dont think shed even bother thinking about who specifically she likes genderwise shed be distracted#with other stuff whether the Gender the King stuff or a romantic exploit#no matter how much i think on it i cant define my sexuality#i like droopy or unique eye shapes#i like muscles and fat#i like long hair i like larger lips i like gentleness and conscientiousness and openness and it always goes like this lol#i prefer my men feminine and my women masculine but not always#umm oh body hair <3 <3 <3 <3 and tits. not of any particular size but they gotta be good.#i know genitals that look more pleasing to the eye from ones that are less. they arent all just weird and ugly to me or anything but#other than that stuff i dont think i can call myself bi or pan because its not just about personality and gender does matter in ways but#IDK im nonbinary and gay so whatever its no matter... i think i would get a weird sense of euphoria if a nb/gnc lesbian was attracted to m
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before i go bed i need to- [explodes into 10000 pieces]
#iam just having some extremely sappy cheesy thoughts and#am trying to not. text people at two in the morning anymore.#or at least as often#after the macaroni monologue thing (i am so sorry for that still btws)#idk#just#augh#thought about my bf too hard and now im going to explode!!! you understand!!!#was looking through the folder i have of his drawings and it just got me feeling sentimental snd gay#idfk#i just. augh. love him#hes so goofy and ridiculous and how can you not#physically restraining myself from just telling him i love him whenever he says something Awful sometimes#cause it sucks. that cursed message sucks. but you said it and idk it can only be conveyed with a sigh and 'i love you' cause#how did you come up with that. love your brain.#not going to kill the convo to just say that though. but its there a lot. way more often then youd guess#isaiah caught being gay on sideblog instead of messaging his bf jail 1000000 years#whatever (<- guy bursting atthe seams full of love)#okag goodnight i have now deleted at least twelve tags i wrote so im not overwhelmingly sappy tonight#goodnight im going to bed kissing my cat on the head for you all and sleeping oh so soundly
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actually. i need to go to another function with a bunch of queer people that i don’t know to fill the gap in my life where for whatever reason i just never met any other trans or queer or autistic folks and just thought i was unloveable. need to go get drunk with more strangers who i will never see again but love forever
#need to go talk about the experience of never feeling alive with a bunch of other people who know what i mean genuinely#also i do know a lot of gay and trans people NOW but i feel like i’m not really around them as much ? like they’re just not in my immediate#social circle. and obviously i love my friends but it’s kind of isolating sometimes and i wish i could talk to more people without the#autism kicking in and making things hard lul#casual rant on main sorry#and like i’m so lucky to be around people who really do support me#but at the same time it’s like i’m talking into a void since i know i’m experiencing things they just can’t ever fully understand and idk#when i go to uni next year hopefully life will open up a bit lul also when i eliminate my extreme fear of extended socialising#maybe if i were less scared of building lasting friendships outside of the ones i already have we wouldn’t be here
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I love when old, bad, F&R choices can be made into old, GOOD, F&R choices with a small helping of making Jess a worse* person again
#thats always the right way to go with this whole thing I find#This is specifically about The War Dove. Just have that rejection/cannibalization lean into the cannibalization bit#Boom bada bing suddenly the emotional dynamic between Apip n Jess makes sense#Conflicted on if I should de-yurify Jess's whole deal too and lean into the just-suppressed-enough transmasculinity#Bc A gay (or straight! unsure) man refusing to transition proper in favor of never addressing a feeling ever is soo compelling to me#But also GENUINE fucked up lesbian homoeriotic tensions r soo good#Hmm. Might manage to eat my cake n have it too actually#Since the bigger plot focus on their like. thousands of years old god-selves gives me a LOT of room#To REALLY Centerpiece Vermillion n Tarrid's nostalgia-sopping pseudo-affair#I also like. kinda have to expand more on Tarrid n Apip's dynamic considering. everything.#Hmmmm but idk how to do Jess's character like that w/out fulling either antagonizing im or haveing a kinda overly-bleak emotional tone#Kill your darlings ik ik but its harrd. I think i might have to though.#Wait a fucking minute all if F&R is just about role prescribption what. Oh jesus christ now I HAVE to do Jess like that#ESPECIALLY with the war dove stuff.#Trans as hell fucking story. I mean obv but extremely.
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I think I have a weird positionality within gay spaces cuz I am extremely transmasc passing, like ppl have gone months without realizing that I'm not in fact transmasc, and like when I meet transmasc ppl, like especially transmasc dykes, they very much greet me as one of them in ways i definitely dont see them doing to my sisters.
This feels especially true for like transmascs who are very much attached to their lesbianism (which I have no qualms with inherently), because I think a lot of the gender I perform in these spaces is very lesbian, even though I have no particular attachment to lesbianism as any sort of ism. I get invited to these spaces that are treated as definitively 'lesbian,' and despite the variety of lesbian and bisexual cis women, nonbinary people, and transmascs, dolls are usually either entirely absent, or in very small numbers, especially in relation to the number in the area that outwardly should have a place in the space.
I really don't think it's malicious or conscious, and I don't think in most of the instances I have experienced that being perceived as a TS woman would have led to outright hostility, I just think people are so used to excluding TS women like high schoolers excluding the one weird kid in class. It's usually not going to be name calling and harassment, most of the time it's gonna be treating them poorly but with plausible deniability, make them feel like they're talking to a wall, make them feel just unwelcome enough that it's them who makes the choice to walk away. Cuz if it was their choice, well, you don't have to confront the fact that you excluded them.
So then dolls find and make their own spaces. Cuz we need somewhere to be, we need some kind of community. I feel more gay community at a local hardcore show than I feel at lesbian mud wrestling. Cuz even though most of the crowd is gonna be cishet, I'll see way more sisters there than at any lesbian event. And community isn't just "demographic," it's a network of people whose names and faces you know. And it's hard to get to know people when they make your sisters feel unwelcome.
Idk I dont really have a point here, it's mostly just some noticing I've been doing, and it just bums me out. Blah
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ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS (part 1)
(remember, im NOT a professional astrologist, im just doing random observations for fun. Do not take everything I say seriously)
Moon Observations
-cancer moon natives tends to like a bad boy type of guy (or cancer people in general idk)
-moon trine neptune natives have an EXTREME CONNECTION with music, it's surreal
-moon opposite pluto natives = mommy issues
-people with moon at 4 degrees usually have beautiful singing voices
Lilith Observations
-lilith sextile venus natives r like the great attractor of the universe, everyone feels sexually attracted by them. they can make the straights turn gay 👏/j (or not)
-lilith square ascendant natives = often sexualized
-lilith in pisces are constantly thinking out of this world, they feel like theyre not from here (pisces lilith here!!)
Venus Observations
-Venus in aries are so fucking horny like omfg calm tf down
-Venus in 11th house are social butterflies
-Venus square neptune native/transit makes u a big delulu in love
Neptune Observations
-neptune asp sun natives are always thinking about the future and their career
-neptune conjuct lilith are witchy bitches
-neptune in the 9th house natives are very open minded, spiritual and with a good taste for arts
ty for reading yo %ᵕ‿‿ᵕ%
sorry for the short thread lolz but im not THAT of an expert when it comes to astrology so i just put out some things that i knew
btw ill be doing moon observations soon (now I AM a moon expert) so dont forget to follow me hihi
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rating every zuko ship (cause that mf is shipped with everyone)
CLICKBAIT!!! this isn’t every zuko ship just the main ones i immediately lied lol. idk if any of these are hot takes or not but please don’t crucify me (might do a part 2 where it’s azula ships)
Jinko - Zuko/Jin
6/10
awwww it’s cute (for what it is)
and what it is was one singular date that was never really mentioned again
i really appreciate how jin is so unperturbed by zuko’s awkward angst and just genuinely likes him
howevvver she’s kinda one dimensional (as she’s only in like an episode) and i just don’t see this going anywhere longterm
less a ship, more a vehicle for zuko’s character development lol
Jetko- Zuko/Jet
3/10
jet being zuko’s first gay encounter is canon in my eyes
don’t ship them however cause i hate jet with the fire of a thousands suns
similar issues to jin as well where their interactions are extremely limited so personally have no clue how this could be a long term thing
Maiko- Zuko/Mai
5/10
i am so impartial on this ship it’s not even funny.
i get that it’s canon. i get that izumi looks suspiciously like mai so it’s endgame. i just don’t see HOW?? it feels as if the writers realised zutara was becoming popular and were like ‘OH SHIT WE GOTTA DEFUSE THIS SITUATION SOMEHOW’
their relationship is basically just mai being a cold asshole and zuko being an angry asshole and there’s no change or development between EITHER OF THEM
however when they’re cute they’re cute !!!!
‘i love zuko more than i fear you’ COLDEST LINE EVER
however again it’s like - you had a crush on him as a kid. he was BANISHED. you dated for like a month as teens. you argued the whole time. he left again- and shortly after you saved him from prison, but then you were imprisoned partly due to his actions. you get back together again, he becomes the ruler of a country, and then you’re surprised it’s isolating him/making him even more of an asshole???
on the other hand we as a society need to admit that zuko is weirdly possessive of her (ig that’s a positive if ur a booktok romance girlie but im not). like if i was mai i wouldn’t put up with that toxic shit either
at the end of the day, i honestly don’t care that they’re canon lol- but i think they’d probably best as a bitchy best friend duo
Zukaang - Zuko/Aang
1/10
not round here partner. not round here
my first issue is the age gap is objectively extremely weird if examined in canon. leaving it at that
i get that this is grumpy x sunshine in a way the other ships aren’t to me- but we’ve only ever seen these two characters interact with each other when there’s (again) A WEIRD AGE GAP
they are bros in the least homosexual way possible
the cherry on top of this situation is: isn’t aang the reincarnation of his great grandpa? isn’t that giving slight, uh, inc*st vibes??? imagine if people shipped korra and jinora isn’t that just WEIRD???
Zuki - Zuko/Suki
8/10
is this my most controversial take ???
i am a sucker for bodyguard x royal family dynamics guys
and the fact that this is girlboss x malewife is even BETTER
suki seems the most competent at handling his pissy ass in a way the other people on this list aren’t
like she’s real. she’s not sugarcoating his situation, BUT SHES COMPASSIONATE !!
i don’t like throuples typically but suzukki is even eliter than this, which removes the whole ‘going against the bro code’ element that arises from them being together
also i feel like if you haven’t read the comics this doesnt make sense At All so please do
-2 points for the lack of tangible reason to ship them lol
Zutara - Zuko/Katara
7.5/10
okay this one makes the most logistical sense to me within canon (solely examined as a zuko ship not overall)
it really seems as if they were gonna make this canon and swerved circa book 2
LIKE CMONNNN OG ENEMIES TO LOVERS WHERE THE GUY ACTUALLY HAS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND ISN’T JUST EVIL? FIRE X WATER? ITS INTRIGUING
something about this makes me uncomfortable though. (despite the age gap which again a little weird)
something about katara potentially becoming the fire lady is so… icky. she’s a waterbender. the fire nation tried to systematically erase her kind. her mother is killed by the fire nation because they think she’s a waterbender. and katara…. what, becomes part of the royal family? it just seems wrong, and like something she wouldn’t be into
also i feel like their arguments would be a little too NUCLEAR. there’s like, a 50% chance of divorce
she deserves a better ending than that is all i’m saying
to paraphrase the hunger games: katara has plenty of fire herself. SHE NEEDS THAT DANDELION IN THE SPRING MAN
(i’m a kataang truther)
Zukka - Zuko/Sokka
9/10
my zuko related otp!!!
bros to lovers guys, where zuko falls first but sokka falls HARDER !!!
ik this will never be canon and im happy with that. i know there’s not even a whisper of romance between them in the show, but i just think it’s c u t e .
sokka (like suki) is very likely to call zuko out on his shit, but less likely to lose his own shit (like katara)
this in my heart of hearts is 10/10 however is still problematic in a similar way to zutara
his mother is killed by the fire nation and he (presumably) becomes consort ?
however though, i would still say it’s not as ruhroh as zutara bc firstly, sokka isn’t a waterbender, and secondly, ‘consort’ is a lot more open to interpretation than i think fire lady is. in my opinion a consort ≠ a fire lady, just like irl a consort ≠ a queen. it kinda means he can still be ambassador to the southern water tribe/a leader of his own people, while just so happening to be married to the fire lord.
overall i can’t help but stan a friends to lover ship cmOn now
#atla#avatar the last airbender#zutara#zukka#maiko#jetko#jinko#zukaang#zuki#zuko#aang#katara#suki#sokka#shipping discourse#shitpost#kataang
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