#as horrible as that was for my like self esteem and peace of mind. it’s the fucking Only thing i had going for me in a long ass time

[fappellmoan]

something on my mind rn. as you all know i’m a lesbian. applause from the audience. and sometimes it just gets to be like annoying when. well. so i have at least A friend who’s asked me several times over ‘so you don’t have Any attraction to men? like at all?’ and i know they’re not being like malicious but you know. that answer has not changed since like seventh grade. and in the same vein it just feels aggravating when i have the nerve to say Oh i think she seems like a lesbian. that’s giving dyke. etc. and to be met with ‘umm well maybe she actually does like men.’ like. first of all in personal conversations if i’m just saying shit chances are i’m just going off of patterns from my own life or other lesbians i know. i’m not here for Bi Erasure and i promise you in this context your attraction to men is not ever invalidated as much as my lack of it. esp in college with so many people talking about their dating/app experiences and etc it’s 99.9999% of the time about men and i just Can’t participate in that conversation which is yk not the end of the world but a bit isolating and even if i do contribute anything it just feels like… a slight Stiffening like. and even just getting brushed off with Well yeah but you’re not even into guys. like real! i still have eyes though. and esp when my attraction isn’t being celebrated and engaged with in the way theirs is it’s just really fucking lonely! and maybe that’s a gross inner voice of insecurity that i’m projecting onto them but like you must get what i mean right. there’s still this odd air specifically around people who Do Not engage with men at all. and if i do make any kind of joke or comment abt someone maybe just Not being into guys i’m made into the asshole who’s invalidating their experiences etc when like. i’m just saying shit man idk. and it’s like many of these people are bi and claim attraction to women but get so like uncomfortable actually talking about it. i don’t think i’m the one with problems! i think there’s still some internalized shit there. you know. anyway all this to say as much as we’ve had the conversation of invalidating bi attraction some of you need to think about not treating gay attraction as this secondary awkward weird elephant in the room. and on a more personal note on top of the Everything that was getting under my skin last night this was just a cherry on top where i was feeling soo… misunderstood and invalidated lol even tho again i largely think those friends were being very supportive and kind to me. this is just one thing i was like. 😐

[yiminsuu]

Please, Stay

Pairing: MK1 Syzoth/Reptile x F!Reader

Warnings: Sexual themes (+18), breeding, two cocks, angst and fluff, self-esteem issues, jealousy, friends to lovers, mentions of violence.

Author’s Note: Did I buy a ps5 just to play MK1? You bet. He needs all the loving in the galaxy and we'll give it to him no matter how much it costs! Please the way his family was taken from him was just so cruel, baby boy didn't deserve it...

Shattering noises reached my eardrums as I stepped into the kitchen of the academy, watching Syzoth sigh in desperation while his emerald eyes stared at the broken cup on the ground. I felt my heart breaking at his lost expression, yet I ceased all desire to touch him and walked away as silently as I could.

Since meeting Liu Kang and the others my seemingly normal life took a toll, transforming me into a 24/7 killing machine with 0 possibility of my enemies ever escaping Kombat. According to the Fire God, I always had this in my blood, now I just have to balance it… I just didn't expect that coming to a different realm and being incarcerated by a maddened sorcerer was the way to do so. That's where we met him, that's where we crossed eyes, that's where I fell enchanted by him.

Perhaps it was the anxiety of meeting someone new, or maybe I wanted to punch someone for the horrible things done to the people of Outworld, but there was no way of knowing I was attracted to what Baraka called a 'Zaterran', at least not at the time. Seeing Syzoth in his real form was surprising because I had never seen his kind, but the reptilian didn't know this, and in the beginning, I was sure he hated me to the core. He kept a certain distance from me unless I engaged against someone, he had my defense just like I had his, I didn't think much about it to be honest, I was sure he wanted to stay on the good side of the rest.

So when I spoke with Ashrah about our teammates in the gardens at tea time, she made it clear that she wanted me to talk more about Syzoth, indicating how protective he was over me when our battle against Quan Chi and Ermac took place, or when Li Mei chased after me when I made a mistake. I mean… I am practically a child compared to them, I found it normal that even Johnny would aid me at all times. I did notice their growing friendship as time passed, I was happy Syzoth could grieve his family in peace, and that he can have a joyful life from now on, yet after so much I don't think he's comfortable with me, don't think he'll ever be.

"Sometimes, people need to reflect on their past to come to peace with their mistakes."

"Thanks Ashrah, not undermining your achievements, but just because you did it doesn't mean others can do it as easily."

"Then why not come with me and Syzoth to Outworld? We will have a chance to speak our minds while we have dinner."

I declined, didn't feel like being the third wheel.

Realizing I was jealous was quite easy, but I swallowed it down, it's normal for me to get my hopes up to then be crushed mentally and emotionally. I was in silent rage, and I almost broke Raiden's skull in a friendly kombat so I decided to retreat to my accommodations with Liu Kang's permission who, weirdly, didn't stop smiling at me as I left. Following my encounter with Syzoth, I sprinted to my room and screamed into the pillow with genuine self-hatred for not asking if he was okay, and with regret in my mind, I drifted off to sleep.

Subsequently, waking up in the middle of the night to knocks on my door scared me, I thought there was some sort of emergency and I hurriedly opened the door to freeze immediately at the sight of the reptilian, he looked stunned at the speed in which I answered that he visibly gulped. "Syzoth, hey… I-Is something wrong?" Don't take me wrong, I did try to have conversations with him plenty of times, but he either avoided or ignored me, so I just gave up. "Do we have an emergency?"

I jumped in place when he changed into his reptile form, speechless at the action, we stared at each other in silence until his human form came back with a deep exhale. Even then, Syzoth refrained from saying a word for a good minute and turned to walk away before stopping and muttering something under his breath, cursing slightly. "Can I-- Can I come in…?" He questioned loud enough. With a furrowed eyebrow and with a growing heartbeat, I let him into my room and closed the door gently, once I glanced at Syzoth, his back was turned to my figure, and his head hanging low.

I cleared my throat, getting his attention, but he wouldn't budge from his position. "Did something happen? Is Johnny bothering you with the whole movie thing?" It's 3 a.m. but I'm sure Cage is still awake doing whatever an actor does in hopes his movie would be a success. "I can speak with him." I finished. Frowning at the lack of answer, I crossed my arms and my anger built up fast in my body. "Look, if you only woke me up to stand silent in the corner of my room you might as well leave, we'll speak in the--"

"Do you hate me?" I shut my mouth and widened my eyes at him.

Hate him? How could I? He's saved me more times than I could count. "Why… Why would--"

"I've seen how you watch me, how everyone watches me." There was so much sadness in his normally soft voice, his beautiful eyes staring into my own with every emotion he could find. "Do I look that monstrous, (Y/N)? Do I look so hideous you can barely withstand me to be in your company? You turn away every time I try to be with you in the same room, is it because of my true form…? Do I scare you? Or is this human skin just as mundane for you?" Syzoth transformed into his Zaterran form again. "Will I receive hate from you no matter what sort of shape I possess?"

Nothing came out of my lips, mostly because of the shock from his unexpected outburst, Syzoth looked away and took a few steps back from me, his whole demeanor changing into one of desolation. The room got darker when the moon hid behind clouds as if to make the reptilian a cruel favor. "Syzoth…" I called but got interrupted.

"Someone like you will never see me as an equal, and I should have known, but you… Looked so innocent in that cell that I couldn't resist securing you from harm. I beg of you, forgive me if I intimidated you as far as not accepting a dinner invitation, I want you to know you are the last person I ever want to hurt in any way. I'll stay away, just… Don't look at me with those eyes, the eyes of someone frightened, not you…"

Without thinking, I placed my hands on his reptile cheeks, his pupils dilating under my touch, he felt cold but I didn't let that bother me, there's nothing about him that could bother me. "I don't hate you, okay? And I'm not scared." I uttered to him, and in a flash, his human shape graced me, staring down at me with a glow in his eyes I'd never seen before. "But, you were--"

"Syzoth, you are the kindest soul I've met, you did everything you could to protect your family, you helped us defeat Shang Tsung and saved our lives countless times. Besides, I couldn't care less about your appearance, you are so handsome, soft-spoken, and courageous." I pursed my lips as I saw something shift in the way he looked at me, maybe I should've said something more worthy of being seen as his friend instead of stating the obvious, I have a crush-- No, I am full in love with him. I felt as if the world was torturing me all this time, and I failed to see I was the one torturing him with my avoidance of solving my own problems. "You mean it…? All of it?" Syzoth's hands rested on mine, his body slightly closer to touch mine.

"I do. I was surprised the first time I saw your true form, I'm not gonna lie, but I've grown accustomed to Outworld's unique beauty… What I did not like, on the other hand, was being called 'freakish'." I smiled brightly when he chuckled, the tension between us quickly evaporated, but I knew something changed. "I am sorry, you are anything but freakish." He paused, and my cheeks grew hotter as my hands were held by calloused ones. I gathered the little braveness I had and spoke. "I actually thought you hated me, you observed and followed after me everywhere, I was sure you wanted to kill me at some point."

"Oh, I didn't mean--" With the light of the moon, I saw his expression turn into a nervous one. "No! (Y/N), have you seen yourself in a mirror? You look so lovely, so breedable…"

Both of us stopped to process what the reptilian said.

Syzoth covered half of his face with his hood while I stood in place, screaming internally. "Fuck… I didn't want it to come out like that, I wanted to take you out first." I was thrilled at the thought of him having me how he desired, so I shut my mind from judgment and gulped down my anxiety, and kissed his cheek. He gazed at me with widened eyes, letting go of his hood and leaning closer to me, pecking my lips experimentally, so delicately as if I was going to break in his arms. I felt hot at the sensation of being wanted, and kind of ashamed for judging his relationship with Ashrah.

The Zaterran halted all movement to gaze at me. "I need your mind right here, baby. Please." I almost whined when he pulled me to him, kissing him as our clothing came off and sitting on his lap while he moved his head down towards my stomach and pressed open-mouthed kisses against my skin. "Your mouth feels good…" When I looked into his eyes, which were already staring back at me, I felt myself relax, his eyes were so soft and held so much love, that I felt like my heart was going to burst at the sight. Syzoth pressed his lips against my breast, squeezing the flesh of my thigh, enjoying how I shivered underneath his fingertips. I gasped when he bit my chest, breath hitching when he snapped away my underwear, inhaling my body as if it was the sweetest flower he found.

I kissed his forehead and embraced him by the neck, receiving a groan from him promptly. My breathing was turning heavy as his hands traveled from my thighs to my buttocks, pressing me against his clothed manhood. "W-Was that dinner supposed to be a setup?"

"Yeah… Truth be told, if you had gone I would have bent you over right then and there." Dammit Ashrah, you should've given me a hint. I shoved away the thought of her and planted a kiss on his neck, a breathless 'more' left his lips, sliding his remaining wear down and I gave out a wail when I felt two hard cocks on my behind. "Syzoth, you--"

"You don't have to take both, it's fine. I know this isn't something humans see every day…" He's going to be the dead of me, and the worst thing is, he knows about this by the expression he's wearing now. A soft mewl echoed in the room when one of his cocks brushed against my hole, he almost salivated at the sight of our bodies prepared to join together. "I promise I'll make you feel good, extremely good." Syzoth smirked as he laid on my bed, his thumb playing with my clit as his tip kept teasing my entrance, choked moans leaving my mouth and my fingers went to grab his short hair.

I let out a desperate whine when he suddenly entered me, my lips shaping an O as his finger abused my clit. "Syzoth…! F-Fuuck!" The sound of my wetness made me feel so self-conscious, but the way he looked so lost in pleasure excited me to no end. He retreated his finger when I arched my back, my walls clenching around his still-entering cock. "So warm… So perfect…" His piercing, green eyes kept eating at the scene, and his lips let out a sound of thrill for being able to be completely inside me, pushing my body against his as I shook above him, the moan that left me was unholy.

"Yes, yes, shit…" I heard him utter nonstop, his tail appearing to grasp around my thigh.

"Y-You’re stunning…" I told him, and the reptilian groaned deeply at my words, sitting once more and kissing me hungrily as he began moving. Syzoth bit my shoulder and spread my legs further apart so he could thrust deeper, he smiled weakly against my trembling skin, hugging me tightly as he felt his other cock rubbing against my asscheeks. I pushed his torso into mine, tears brimming in my eyes and both moaning between kisses. "Just like that, pretty… Take me all in…" I managed to nod, pulling Syzoth into another kiss as my legs wrapped around his torso. I was becoming desperate, the feeling of his cock stretching me out felt heavenly, I could feel every inch of him as he moved inside of me.

Syzoth grunted, tightening his hold on my body so it would become impossible for me to escape. "Fuck…!" He cursed loudly, forehead pressing against my neck. "(Y/N), please (Y/N)! Let me cum inside…!" His tip pressed against my cervix, and I attempted to shift my position a bit but his hold was unbreakable. He looked so needy with that fucked expression of his, so gorgeous with sweat running down his muscle, and purely swallowed by pleasure and pain alike. My forehead rested on his and he gasped, finally moving his hips faster, he was trying to reach the deepest depths of my being.

I could feel the love radiating off him in every action, the way he kissed me, how he embraced me, the affection in his eyes… I could feel it all, tears cascaded down my cheeks, kissing his lips. "Don't let go of me…" I whispered, holding onto him as my hips moved in sync with his. Syzoth whispered my name like a mantra, followed by many words of adoration amidst our lovemaking. "I will never let go."

[smehur]

Drarry fic recs #4

Marginal Notes by @blamebrampton

When you're 18, and nothing is as it was meant to be, sometimes it can be hard to let the right people know what you are thinking. Thankfully, Draco Malfoy owns a quill.

What a delightful story! I loved the thoughtful, grounded, calm Draco and how well he applied his wit (and the penchant for fixing things?) to solving other people's problems. It's a bit on the side of wishful thinking - I don't really believe someone could change that much over night - but it's nice wishful thinking that I enjoyed and would happily inflict on myself again. Among other things, I enjoyed the crisp, flawless writing. It's not often the editor in me wouldn't change a single word in a fic. I very much plan to read BB's entire catalogue.

The Boy from the Piano Shop by @soliblomst

After going blind in a reckless attempt to avenge Ginny's death, Harry battles with severe depression. One day, he stumbles upon a quaint piano restoration shop in the heart of London and meets the owner, a kindly old man, and his introverted young apprentice, whose voice sounds strangely familiar. As Harry and Draco slowly reconnect through private piano lessons, the small workshop becomes Harry's refuge, offering him a glimmer of hope in a world without eyes.

Finally got to read this fic everyone's talking about. And for good reasons! It's heartbreaking and wholesome, starkly realistic and hopelessly romantic, all at once. I'm often annoyed by shallow depictions of low self-esteem that goes with depression, especially when it's used as an artificial obstacle in the way of romance ("I'm not good enough for you, so even though I love you, I'm breaking up"), and this is one of the few stories (by which I mean all my reading, not just fanfiction) where I could completely believe it, and sympathize with it. (Bonus points for not being used as an obstacle in the way of romance.) The general lack of obstacles in the way of romance was incredibly refreshing and welcome, as was the lack of drama around the revelation that Harry Potter is secretly friends with Draco Malfoy. Everything is very mature, to the point where I think the story would be better set in their 30s than in their 20s, but I didn't mind. Harry's grief is all-present and at times, harrowing, but never gratuitous, and it's well-balanced by the peace and joy he finds in Draco's company. The two scenes where Draco unexpectedly dons a scarf are etched in my memory forever. An incredible piece.

i stay by @hogwartsfirebolt

The darkening sky is dangerous for the shape of Harry’s desire, it makes it seem reasonable, as though it were a natural conclusion of having Draco once again within reach, rather than the mirage it actually is.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: this fic is exquisite. Tense and tender in perfect proportion and filled with a dazzling array of sensory details that painted each scene like a work of art. Although I could see what was coming in the end (thanks to expert foreshadowing), the finale still stole my breath away. A wonderful read!

All Life is Yours to Miss by Saras_Girl & podfic by originally

Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.

Oh, this was such a joy to listen. I think I had a smile on my face for the whole duration of the podfic (about 12 hours), minus the few minutes when there were tears instead. I don't know where to start with the praise. The meticulously constructed world of Draco's self-imposed loneliness? The supporting cast of interesting and well-rounded original characters? The tangible, eminently relatable trials and tribulations of a teacher's life? Or maybe the deceptively simple concept at the root of the story, allowing Draco to break out of his shell on his own? Oh, how I love this gentle, fragile, vulnerable Draco hiding behind impatience and aloofness and his sharp tongue. And the fearless, unstoppable Harry, his bouts of bad temper and his naked honesty. And Stanley, with that inevitable, ill-timed tack-tack-tack! Everything felt so true, so real, so close, I felt just as exposed and frightened as Draco, just as desperate at his inability to make a move. I know I said this half a dozen times by now since I started reading fic in this fandom, but I can't help it. This may be the best fic I've ever read.

Correction! The best fic I've ever heard! The reading was impeccable, possibly the best I've heard so far, and infused the story with even more life and love and laughter. A beautiful, unforgettable experience.

Heartbeat by @saxamophone (eight_of_wands)

Harry hates Draco. Draco hates Harry. Only it's not hate, not even a little bit. Featuring: a cooperative independent study, golden hour on wrecked sheets, water from fountains of dubious origin, purple Mardi Gras beads, and a bird with silly legs. Also featuring: heated arguments, infidelity, unquenchable desire, and heartbreak. Over and over again.

I'll be honest: this fic did not grip me at once. I could even say I struggled through the first few stances. But then came the understanding of what "I hate you" means and I read on with eyes wide and heart thumping (Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy) and I was so very richly rewarded. Among all the things I loved about it, the most memorable are the incredibly vivid images and impressions of New Orleans, and the moment of searing, all-consuming jealous rage that I regret to say I could relate to all too well. The confrontations were exquisite, the dialog sparking with tension and more importantly, with truth. There's no melodrama here to create suspense, it's all raw and real and indeed, heartbreaking. But hearts can mend. :)

Many, many, heartfelt thanks to all the authors in this amazing fandom and to all the readers helping spread the word. 💞

[sunoooism]

I was down ; you picked me up

› summary: in which Taehyun finds you in a pit of despair and helps you climb out.

› angst, comfort / wc: 1,628

 › warnings: mental health issues, self doubting thoughts, suicidal thoughts/intentions, eating disorder & depression, crying, mentions of throwing up, angst, comfort ending, some sort of higher education au (they live in dormitories), if you're ever feeling like this please reach out to someone (my dms r open), I'm not at all romanticising this kind of behaviour but it's comfort writing and very much self indulgent, don't read if you don't like, gn!reader.

everything around you felt dull and dark, felt like it was suffocating you, dragging you down into its grey mass. it had this horrible feeling of loneliness splashed into the mix, filling up your lungs until you were drowning in it. and what was worse, nobody cared enough to pull you out. you supposed it was nobody's fault but your own though. summer was the chance you had been waiting for, the chance to erase yourself. unanswered texts, missed calls and unreturned letters piled up for too long and eventually your friends stopped trying all together. it hurt, but you had achieved your motive in the end, so you didn't understand why you felt so unpleasantly about it. unfortunately rumours were now circling about the school, the hot new subject being that you thought you were too good for your old friends and that's why you ghosted them. ironic, your mind that loved to torture you so with your low self esteem was laughing at you. yet, today you didn't seem to care enough to express it outwardly.

hair askew, uniform crinkled, eyebags that felt ever so heavy, you dragged yourself to the library. earning a few glares and nudges on your way, you had guessed they were fueled by the rumours. and despite looking worse than death itself, no one seemed to notice the longing for it behind your lifeless eyes. as you passed through the many hallways, you spotted your friends, now ex friends, all laughing together through a window. the usual numbness you felt was replaced by a wave of hurt that almost swallowed you whole when you saw how unaffected they were by your absence, even though you knew you didn't have the right to, not after you purposely cut them off. although there were many students blocking your view of them, Soobin still managed to clock you gazing at them with wistful longing and regret.

in an act of panic you jumped at his sudden attention and sped away from them, but not before you heard Kai call your name. fortunately for you a study period was last on your schedule, so you made your way to your dorm, trying to look as inconspicuous as one could when speed walking away from a group of people. the footsteps managed to follow you through buzzing crowds until you reached the hall of which your dorm was located, you breathed a sigh of relief when you could no longer hear their thundering stomps.

warm tears were already making their way down your cheeks by the time you'd collapsed on your bed and hidden yourself amongst the many blankets and cushions sitting upon it. you let your sadness consume you once again, choking on your gasps and sniffles.

your room was your only outlet of peace, every student at the school knew that, which is why you didn't understand why someone was now banging on your door when they were meant to be in class anyway. you didn't have the energy nor the care to open the door. not leaving your dorm in three and a half days had made you feel like jelly whenever you moved, that and all those days depriving yourself of food, water and daylight didn't help either. you had hoped it was punishment enough for pushing your friends away, but apparently something in your body wanted for you to suffer more, curled up in your bed staring at a blank wall until you fell asleep. the showers and the cookie basket your mother sent were calling to you, almost as inviting as a siren song. but with most things these days you couldn't find it in yourself to want to or care enough.

the incessant knocking on your door continued, as well as the now overuse of your name being called. in all honesty the thought of someone seeing you like this made you want to throw up, probably what they would do at the sight of you. ah, your mind was torturing you again, enough to make you teeter and sway at the edge, but never enough to push you over and watch you tumble down until you hit rock bottom.

you heard your doorknob turn and someone walk in. you thought you had locked your door? not knowing who it was you were ready for some judgemental looks being thrown your way when they saw your state. you were hoping it was an axe murderer coming to end your pathetic and dreary life but apparently not as kang taehyun was all who flooded your vision.

"y/n, what the fuck? everyone thought you were dead" the sentence had come out more venomous than he'd of liked, but right now it was hard to sound soft as he stared at his friend looking like they'd been drained of all life.

"might as well be" your throaty response came out quiet, but he heard, and it broke his heart more than when you'd dumped him right before summer. though it was the first time he'd heard you speak in 9 weeks, he could hear all the self loathing and resentment your tone held. taehyun laid a hand on your arm, rubbing soothing circles that spread the first warmth you'd felt in weeks through your body, then he asked the question everyone who felt like you dreaded and hoped for at the same time.

"are you okay?"

somehow, you still had enough fluids in you to push down your stoic barrier and let everything pour out. tears began to stream down your cheeks, which only worried the boy that knelt beside you further. "y/n?" the call of your name passed right through you, too busy gasping between sobs to acknowledge he was talking to you.

"y/n? can you sit up for me?" his tone was mellow, just as soft as his touch that had now trailed down to your hands. you supposed he didn't want to upset you more than you already were by sounding angry. despite the gnawing thought of wanting to curl up in a ball and die because someone had seen you like this, you manoeuvred your body languidly so you could lean against the wall, because you knew that this was best for you right now.

after a moment of putting the deep breathing exercises Yeonjun had taught you to good use, a tissue was held in front of you. your shaky hand reached out and grasped it, barely strong enough to hold it up to your face.

"i'm sorry" the words escaped you before you could even choose to say them, a frown etching its way onto taehyun's brows when he heard. "why are you apologising?"

"I-" the words died in your throat once you realised you weren't quite sure why, was it because you dumped him? because of the fact you ignored him all summer only for him to be the person comforting you at your lowest? both?.

"you don't have to apologise for feeling things'' you didn't quite know how to respond to that. your lack of reply gave him another opening to speak. "do you want to talk more about it after some food and a shower?" nodding hesitantly, you followed his slow movements to walk towards the door, planning to grab clean clothes and a towel on the way. that plan was quickly brushed to the back of your mind when your vision clouded over with black spots, weakening you until you collapsed back onto your bed with a shaky breath that alerted taehyun to your troubles.

"woah, you alright? want me to grab a nurse?" all that followed was a brisk shake of your head and tears making their home under your lash line once again.

stupid. you couldn't even walk right.

"i'm sorry" you squeaked out, voice quivery with the sniffles. "hey, it's okay. there's no need for apologies over this, yeah?" your body sought out refuge as it leant into his palm he had placed gently on your cheek, his affection burning your skin with the familiar warmth that had always come to you when the two of you were dating. you wondered how he felt about all this, watching his ex fall apart multiple times in ten minutes for a reason that was unknown to him. god, you must have looked stupid.

"i'm sorry, taehyun" you finally spoke after an awkward silence, both waiting for the other to say something. "hey, what did I just-"

"no. it's, it's not for that," he watched you carefully, as if he looked too hard you might crack under his gaze. you hated that, but nevertheless you were grateful he cared. "i'm sorry for ignoring you this summer, it wasn't fair to you, or to anyone else I ditched. I just, I want you to know it wasn't because of you. i just thought it might hurt less for you and me when i…."

the rest was caught in your throat as you couldn't bring yourself to say it in front of him, the boy who'd said he would give you the whole world if he could. the boy who treated you like royalty every minute you spent together, the boy who used to love you more than anything else. the boy who still does love you more than anything else. he didn't deserve to hear what you were about to say.

"when you..?" one glance up into his curious brown eyes was all it took for him to understand. you could see him trying to mask the pain for your sake, hiding it so you didn't feel guilty. but you already did.

"i'm sor-" you were promptly interrupted when taehyun spoke over you, eyes gazing fondly into yours. "hey,"

"no more sorries, 'k?"

[ragsy]

47-60, and 66-70 for Beloved Dogmark, Beloved Dillion and Agent Hill because I think she’s hot

AUGH LIGHTNING ROUND. okay. rapid fire.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mark: lactose intolerant :( Dillion: doesn't know what cheese is. WAIT, unless his people traditionally milked whales?? and made cheese from whale milk??? those are the only mammals that he would conceivably encounter. oh no. now i have thoughts. Hill: pepper jack. but like. the painfully hot kind

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Mark: don't call him a fruit, he'll cry. but also-- peach. fragile and easily bruised, but has a hard center if you dig for it. Dillion: some sort of near-extinct heirloom apple variety that was only grown on some rich guy's lawn for a single generation before he went bankrupt and the variety disappeared Hill: beefsteak tomato. spiteful and acidic, but robust and tender.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

Mark: oh fuck what a horrible night to have a curse. what a complete dogshit ass night for a curse. god what a fucking night, my dude. for a curse i mean. fuck this. Dillion: MY BOY, THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE WARRIORS STRIVE FOR-- Hill: act first. apologize later.

The rest under the cut 👇👇

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Mark: probably one of those things where he had just gotten out of a potentially very dangerous situation (a mugging, a car crash, a fire, etc) and, once he realized he was safe and everything was fine, all he could do was laugh. and laugh. and he doesn't laugh a lot. so people get very concerned. Dillion: over a meal with his party members. someone's just said something clever. he can't remember the last time he shared a moment like this with someone who cares for him just as much as he does for them. Hill: she just told someone to fuck around and find out. they just found out. she didn't even have to lift a finger.

51. current stresses?

Mark: has no job. has no money. has an anxiety disorder. is a dogman. doesn't know where he's sleeping tonight. Dillion: on a self-destructing planet with the distinct possibility that he can't save everyone Hill: has a malignant curse that is slowly turning her body into a mass of tentacles with minds of their own. also probably under investigation by the IRS

52. favorite font?

i'm gonna be real with you here, i don't think any of these three people have one. i don't even know if dillion knows what a font is

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Mark: nicked and scraped, dirt under his nails/claws. currently shoved in his pockets. Dillion: as manicured as he can manage, given his circumstances. currently gripping the hilt of his sword. Hill: scarred, knuckly, bruised. she keeps her nails as short as they'll go. currently only one of them-- lost the other one to the aforementioned curse.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Mark: you are a peon whose only purpose is to keep your head down and do what you're told. Dillion: you are the specialest boy in the whole kingdom because you paid us a lot of money for this job title Hill: if you see someone shoplifting no you didn't

55. favorite fairy tale?

Mark: beauty and the beast Dillion: the little mermaid (or, rather, the undersea perspective version of it) Hill: little red riding hood

56. favorite tradition?

Mark: going camping in june for his birthday (which is actually in december) Dillion: traditional dishes from home. you KNOW cooking in a culture that spends 100% of its time submerged in water has gotta be some wild delicious shit Hill: new year's. it's the only holiday she ever really gets off, anyway

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Mark: escaping a toxic relationship, surviving on his own, accepting himself for what he is Dillion: overly high self esteem, survivor's guilt (kinda still working on this one but he's made a lot of progress), speaking openly about his feelings to another person Hill: mostly extremely large monsters trying to eat her. there's been a lot of those

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Mark: pretty good at making a campfire, has some sort of 6th sense for knowing if there's poison ivy nearby, has a bite force of 330 PSI and can run at about 30mph on all fours (idk if he's actually proud of those last two but he deserves to be) Dillion: big arm muscles. big abdominal muscles. big leg muscles. big heart. which is also a muscle. Hill: can keep a cool head in a dangerous situation, really good at arm wrestling, is a pretty good shot (was better when she had two hands, but she's still pretty good), encyclopedic knowledge of american sitcoms from between 1980 and 2005

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Mark: "uh. uh-oh. oh no." Dillion: [clipping the microphone] "ONWARD, MY FRIEND!" Hill: "Alright, shitheads. Get on with it."

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Mark: slice of life romance (but with monsters) Dillion: i mean he was literally isekai'd, so, Hill: some sort of dark, mature, traditional cel-animated seinen

66. favorite flower(s)?

Mark: he doesn't think he has one, but it's totally magnolia blossom Dillion: anemones. but not the animal, the actual flower anemone Hill: sunflower

67. good luck charms?

Mark: his wristwatch. he's not sentimental with a lot of his belongings, but he will never, ever part with that watch. Dillion: the halberd cozy that Midas made for him Hill: the front door key to her house, from before her home town was destroyed by a monster attack

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Mark: he has NO spice tolerance. so literally anything remotely spicy Dillion: candles, before he learned that you're not supposed to eat them (even though they are on the table) (they don't have tables OR candles underwater) Hill: she's not one to waste a drink, but she tried an IPA at a bar once that was so gross she took one sip, stood up, and drove to the next state over.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Mark: the fastest way to hook up with someone is to go to some sort of queer meetup and yawn just enough for someone to notice his sharp teeth Dillion: he can swim with full plate armor on. don't worry about it Hill: vampires and draculas are two separate, convergently evolved species

70. left or right handed?

Mark: lefty Dillion: righty Hill: was a lefty, but that arm's the bad one. she trained herself well enough to be a righty though

[youremyheaven]

my mars mahadasha was HORRIBLE. my anxiety got so bad that i stopped getting out of my room 🥶 i have hasta mars 6H (which is also my amk) and my rahu (rohini 2H) mahadasha started by the end of 2022 and let me tell you….i just want some peace of mind 🥲

STOPPP ITTTTT my mars md is when i’m 57 in hasta 1st house oh im already going thru it, becoming uglee and have self esteem issues AND anxiety at 57 ???? i’m about to decease

DJDJDJJSSJAJ LMAO ur too funnyy

but hopefully at 57 u wont care about all that and will be 😎too cool and rich to be bothered

i like how we're all collectively realizing middle age is going to ...an experience....lmao no wonder old people look mad pissed all the time, its the ones who finished all their hard mahadashas when they were young who are super chill and acting like dolly parton later in life

[a-brides-maid]

Your system belief and your brain

Hello! Today’s topic will be about how your belief system affects your brain and shape your reality.

I’ll be as short as possible because that is quite hard to comprehend at first.

First of all ; is having certain beliefs wrong?

No! For the most part it isn’t wrong to believe in what makes sense to you and gives a sense of balance and purpose in your life. If that allows you to feel fulfilled and satisfied in your life, there is nothing wrong. However what makes a belief wrong is how bad it impacts yourself and other people that are part or not of that belief.

What is the purpose of having a belief?

A belief is the belief to something higher, deeper or unexplainable someone thinks makes sense to their life and their environment. Basically, whatever you believe in, as long as your life becomes stable and you don’t feel lost about your human experience, that is a belief. Nihilism is the belief of believing in nothing, they do not believe in any gods or supernatural powers but the mere thoughts of thinking that there’s actually nothing above them makes sense to them and gives them peace of mind. Those believing in tarot aren’t wrong either, the same goes for Christianity, voodooism, astrology, etc., regardless of actual scientific evidences. We all believe in something actually, whether it is «��nothing » or « a higher power » or even « science��». We believe in concepts such as Art and Love too. It doesn’t have to be scientifically explained. Most of the time a belief has to be felt and accepted as part of the individual’s identity as it shapes their world’s perception.

How does it impact my perception of reality? Should I be concerned?

Depends on what you do based on your belief system. How you act according to your belief and how it shapes the world you live in are a great indicator of whether or not you should be concerned.

If you put too much emphasis on somebody’s astrological signs and ignore their cultural, biological, religious and personal background just to force your narrative based on your belief on them, then it is wrong.

If you rely too much on an old book to understand how humans work, what is right and good without taking into consideration each community specifies and each individual’s experiences just to categorize them and judge them. It’s wrong.

Being too dependent on tarot cards to know your future to the point of isolating yourself and forcing your view on others when sometimes you just need to experience your life and accept that some things are meant to stay secret. But also that not anything should be taken that seriously to avoid suffering from disorders…

What you believe in does tell you how to understand the world, what you can do about it, what is « true », what is « good » or « bad », who you are. Which influence your self esteem, your perception of others and how you navigate your human experience with others in a fast moving world where nothing is set in stone.

Then I must be really careful to not force any of my narratives on people just because I feel like I can?

Correct ! Your belief is yours only whether or not you agree with other’s beliefs. Let people explore their life the way that feels great to them.

What about cults?! What about toxic beliefs systems?

Not every beliefs are good and healthy. Calling out bad behaviors and acts are healthy too. Being immoral/dangerous with people just because your belief told you so is not the right thing to do. It’s not because it’s allowed or a possibility that it should be done. People have the right to disagree with you and call you out when you go too far. Hurting somebody never has been a good thing to do or else everybody would be hurt just because « I believe so it is ».

Each individual goes through life at their own pace, with their own tools and use them the way that can be beneficial for themselves and others.

Is it beneficial for my brain? As it can make one do horrible things…

Yes it is! When you act correctly of course. It is because it gives sense to your life and the brain craves sense whether it is rational or not. It allows your brain to rest in times of intense emotional events, to find peace within yourself and find yourself people that share the same thoughts belief as you, which is still a good thing for your brain as being with other people is natural and a primary need.

It reorganizes your thoughts and allows you to understand your emotions in some way. You have representations that are unique to you/your people which allow the brain to work efficiently in areas that require specifics characteristics your beliefs gave you.

It is not necessarily a bad thing at all for your brain, however having bad behaviors because of that do have negative impacts on your brain.

Sources

- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2802367/#:~:text=%5B15%5D%20Belief%20attribution%20involved%20activating,belief%20development%20in%20the%20brain.

- https://www.drchristianheim.com/blog/2021/6/10/beliefs-and-the-brain

Weakstar.

[pennyponna]

(TW: Abuse) Trauma in (small town) relationships and how I would rate them based on suckiness - neutral to horrible

As someone with CPTSD, relationships of any kind have always been a challenge. Looking back on past relationships is difficult because, no matter what happened, emotionally negative traumatic memories always have a negative pall over them - negatively towards me. I've also observed that more "emotionally stable" people seem to react differently to pain than others with trauma. These are traumas that I have been a part of in some way or another, and what I consider to be some of the worst things someone can do to another person (romantically or otherwise). I think it might be interesting to see how I classify the level of difficulty in each situation. To note: these are things in the past that I classified as "things I have to learn how to handle or that I should learn how to emotionally handle" rather than "unacceptable in any relationship".

I'd love your feedback, how you deal with/feel about these kinds of traumas in your life, how common they were, or if this opens your eyes to something you're currently dealing with that you weren't aware of. This is written in kind of generic, general terms, to make the more personal details somewhat muddied for my own peace of mind.

0 Apathy [Neutral]

They seem like they want a relationship, but they're very casual. Are happy you're around, but it's a very mellow experience. Respectful but passionless. You don't ever see a long term future relationship with them because things go so slowly and they never truly warm up to you.

Result: Not emotionally damaging to end relationship, you may think fondly of the person or off put by their casual attitude. Relatively stress free because of your difficulty with or aversion to affection. No challenge, no pressure, no stress, but also might as well be no relationship.

-1 Unwanted

They just want a partner or friend, but not you. They are more than likely unaware of this. Clearly emotionally immature, and you are close to them during their growth era, but they at least seem receptive to future change.

Result: Minimal damage from leaving the relationship, perhaps inadequacy issues, but they always treated you with respect even if you were regularly at odds. It's easy to look back on it and logically process it and move on, or stay friendly. Likely a short relationship.

-2 Trophy

They want to date you or be friends with you to show you off to other people in their lives. Whether that's because of how you look, your career, intense lust (common in Christian communities), connection to certain circles, or just to "prove that they have someone," it's always immediately obvious to you and always immediately sucks. They will often bring you to a few family/friend events, but there are poorly hidden looks of boredom on their face in easy conversation with you, and things often seem a bit formal or forced. Gives you an air of uncomfortability of the situation. You suspect things like them being queer and not out yet or a middle class kid dating someone "inadequate" to piss off their family, or purely using you as a sexual object or emotional dumping ground.

Result: Hurts your feelings, but usually are relatively undamaged by the relationship, albeit offended. Likely hurts more the lower self esteem you have. Humiliating or relatively brief.

-3 Not Fully Romantically Available

Is sweet, kind, respectful, and a good partner, but very clearly in love with someone else. The entire time you're together, you wonder if they are talking to their someone else. When they speak about them, sometimes it's with warmth, but usually neutral, suspiciously neutral for the amount of times they've mentioned casually chatting with them. You may have a close relationship, but sometimes when you are being intimate or talking about something serious, they look at you like you are someone else. Your emotional connection only seems genuine part of the time, and other times you wonder what you are lacking. You never directly see evidence of cheating, and they are never willing to admit to it, meaning no behavior changes.

Result: Usually some inadequacy issues at the end of the relationship. Either one of you might have broken up, you because of your lack of full connection or them because they are wrestling with their feelings. It might break your heart for awhile, but in general you think that they are a good person who did something bad, or someone who did something selfish with the capacity to change. Could take out a few years of your life, but feels like experience rather than tragedy.

-4 Flippant Cheater

Cheats, but is stupid. Has a reputation as a cheater, but insists heatedly that people don't like them because of their family or some other dramatic story obscure of detail and confusing enough that you can't follow, and claims everyone is lying about them. Doesn't delete messages (leaves their phone open on the table) or hide notifications (they pop up obviously on their pc or other devices) so you find out quickly. Is very defensive of their phone, even if you're clearly not trying to look, or is really jumpy any time they have it for no good reason. Will never admit their wrongdoing, even when confronted, and acts annoyed but otherwise unaffected when you two break up.

Result: Hits so hard because you felt so replacable, even if the relationship is mercifully short. Felt chaotic from beginning to end, the person was involved with so many people at so many different times you wonder how someone could live in such chaos. You are hurt by the relationship, no matter how long it was, because of how blatant the cheating and gaslighting was. But it tended to stunt the pain a bit that even though little to no effort was put into you while you were together, it was easy enough to see the signs and get out.

-5 Calculated Cheater/Closet Control Freak

Cheats but is sneaker about it. Lays the groundwork for cheating; establishes that they have mutual friendships with others that never seem mutual, with the cover that "they informed you so you knew what you were getting into" [when in fact they told you it was a platonic relationship, which was a lie]. Comes up with multiple excuses as to why they can't see you or what they are doing, with enough credibility to fool you. Eventually you start to notice certain experessions on their face when they talk about certain people, or tell you something, and you can tell there is a lie there. Their love bombing and gaslighting are on point. They tend to date people that are more naive, because while their manipulation is basic, they are consistent with it and more successful the younger/more naive their partner is. The more you bring up concerns you may have about things that make you uncomfortable, the more they perfect their attitudes of looking "cornered" and how tired they are of arguing all the time, with the implication that if things don't get better they will end the relationship. Will never admit to cheating, but when you find out will have the red guilt covering their face. The more naive or kind or ignorant you are, the more they lean into it. Intentionally makes sure none of their friend groups or new partners cross in any way so that it is easier to fool them about their innocence.

Result: Full contact cut with them, either by yourself or them. The cheating wasn't spontaneous, it was a long string of calculated rezendevous throughout your time together where they orchestrated as many options as they could, and moved on the minute you two were broken up. They never deal with the aftermath of relationships; in retaliation you personally don't typically deal with people being told about you being a bad person, as they are usually so ashamed of their own behavior they try to keep it to themselves, and hope your low self esteem or manipulating the fault towards you will keep your mouth shut about it.

-6 Circle of Doubt

This person tends to be an excellent gaslighter because they don't seem to care what you think. You fulfill something for them; companionship, ego boost, financial support, etc. There are probably certain things they like about you, even things they've connected with you deeply on, but they make it clear through their actions that you will never be a priority in their life. Whether you are one of their close friends or a romantic partner, they make it clear that there are other people in their life that are family and that you will not reach that, even if they state otherwise. It's one-sided, though not so at the beginning; you care about them more, and want them to be a part of your life more, than they do you. When you try to point it out they begin the gaslighting. They are willing to spend dedicated time with you, but less and less, and beyond the reasonable expectation that they want to spend fair amounts of time with everyone they care about, there is a clear preference towards others and they come as a higher priority than you, always. Eventually time with you seems to be like a chore for them. They are relieved when it's over, and almost reflexively want to spend time with those other people right after. You start to recognize it as them finally getting to do what they wanted, after they had to suffer through something that was difficult, boring, or annoying for them. They run conversations around until you are so frustrated you can't communicate properly, force you to have important conversations (that they have put off and put off) potentially at a bad time, or with other people hearing, so you appear unreasonable or unhinged. They lie to the people around them (that know the both of you) about their behavior in the relationship to secure a support network if things don't work out and lower the amount of people willing to accept you into their lives. They set up a domino effect so that whatever move you take, you lose out, and any abuse and manipulation they dole out is reactive - goading and manipulating you to the point of overwhelming emotion and blaming your emotional reaction to it as controlling or abusive.

Result: Harm of self image. Depending on your experience level with relationships, your history and pattern of abusive relationships, and self esteem, the damage can increase significantly. The time spent trying to express legitimate concerns with this person, that are turned around in their favor and thus ignored and discarded, wore away at your emotional stability. Them repeatedly bringing their [friends/family/coworkers/what have you] in to outnumber you on arguments has you doubting your own opinion, expectations, attitude, and makes you feel alone and unwelcome. Ultimately you leave the relationship feeling unloved, unsatisfied, bitter, confused, and beyond tiny and unimportant. Even if the umbrella of their influence was small, the dislike, mistrust , or emotional stonewalling towards you felt like a solid enough limited scientific study to confirm the worst fears about yourself. You spend a lot of time dissecting those awful conversations and arguments in the future, swinging back and forth between indignant rage and inconsolable guilt because you cannot fully understand who was wrong or what you can do to improve, as they are dishonest or evasive about why the relationship ended [as it eventually does, if not from an argument or mutual decision, from "growing apart" because YOU stopped putting almost any effort in to reach out or spend time with them.]

-7 Punching Bag Predator

Is often just as traumatized as you are to some degree. Consciously or unconsciously seeks out people that are traumatized and/or easy to manipulate. Very easily can read your insecurities and preys on them. For example, this person may actually be loud and annoying in social situations, while you only worry due to insecurity that you may be; they read that, proudly admit their fault, and at a later time condemn you for yours. They see goodness as a weakness. They will twist their bad actions into a version of good that you are willing to accept, as a kind or understanding person, and then fully hold you accountable for the same actions in a justifiable situation. They may criticize you as an alcoholic like them because you both drink together regularly to deal with your problems, and yet later that evening pressure you into drinking more and more, and may pass out drunk and have to be carried to bed by you. They tend to be more aggressive (while surrounding themselves with more amiable, docile, and/or easily pressured personalities) and, while they freely admit that aggression and anger issues are bad for every situation, will still regularly make you feel weak for being calm or rational. Uses you as a springboard for their own self image, as a lackey to admire/lust/love them, or as a tool for intelligent conversation. It's never clear if they actually like you, but the few good emotional connections you have tend to be intense, passionate, raw trauma dumping [and your issues and problems may come forth as a "toxic trait" in future arguments, even if you are both laying the same amount of emotional problems at each others' feet or you are providing good emotional support.] You are aware of every expression during conversations with them, aware of every attitude shift, and you have an arsenal of "masks" to put on to keep them amiable in most situations, or at the very least on your side of whatever crusade they are currently on. When you get into arguments, that is their free pass to pull out every insecurity they have read or you have ever told them. Everything they learn about someone they document away as a potential weapon, and they hurt you as precisely and savagely as they can every time they have the opportunity. Every argument becomes the end of the world and so emotionally damaging that any disagreement becomes a huge fear and you begin to avoid it at any cost.

Result: A whirlwind when the relationship ends. They never take responsibility for their actions and explode in rage at either your leaving, or their kicking you out, for issues they likely caused themselves. May be violent but more than likely only verbally abusive as long as they aren't wasted (no limit on substances here). The only solution is absolutely no response, no attention or encouragement whatsoever, since they feed off of it. May carry years worth of feeling like a monster because of the normal behaviors you exhibited that they demonized. May also be afraid of anyone connected to them because of how charismatic they are, and how good they are at manipulating good people to fight for them, or shift other manipulative people to their side against you.

-8 Static Misery

This person lives in physical or mental pain. They have no control over their emotions and, while it may not be their fault (mental health issues) it does fall on them because they refuse help, even offered, lean into these abusive behaviors to make themselves feel better, or drown the guilt with some type of addiction rather than face it. They constantly complain about their situation (living arrangement, financial situation, relationships, body image) and yet do nothing to improve it, even if it negatively affects you as well. Any attempt on your part to remedy these issues is taken as a huge insult to their pride, and may instigate abuse; at the best, stubbornness and hindrance to a degree that fixing the situation is impossible. Any situation that you are with them is entirely under their control. They are impatient with everyone and, because of their impatience, cause problems for themselves (gets angry while driving and hits a curb that pops a tire, takes out their frustration of the day on the food they're preparing and spills it everywhere/spoils it, is cleaning so they can finish something they were working on and due to anger slings it around and breaks it, whether it's theirs or not.) Everything becomes a point of contention; anything could be a rage trigger for this person, and the next thing increases the rage. The severity of the problem can depend based on the intention of the individual. If they do at some point try to get help, that is one thing (does not minimize the harm done) but if they continue with this behavior, especially in situations where they have all the power, will not relinquish it, and keeps you trapped there with them, are the worst, because they are far harder to escape from.

Result: Severe. May leave you in constant states of overstimulation and hypervigilance after you've left. Normal mundane tasks related to them may become scary, or difficult. Mistakes you make may become emotionally draining to you, because often you were berated, screamed at, or physically abused for normal accidents. It may become difficult to improve your surroundings because you faced worse consequences for attempting to fix it than the negativity you experience if you leave it alone and simply deal with it. Becomes difficult to navigate reality, especially if this was a parent.

-9 The Watcher

Any person who was aware of the previous person's abuse and either enabled, allowed, or was too lenient with them, allowing you to continue to experience it while considering them an ally. If they tried to keep the peace and redirect traumatic situations or conversations, peace and lack of change was still more important than ensuring permanent safety. Had power available to them that they did not use for one reason or another.

Result: Betrayal. Others suffered just as much or more as they did.

There are other examples of trauma I could bring up, but it really only gets darker from here, so I will refrain from posting anything beyond this as it may get too detailed or graphic. If I think about anything else I'll reblog.

[psychreviews2]

The False Self – Various Authors (Narcissism 2 of 4)

Summary

In the prior episode Freud established the ego-ideal, a mental representation of an “ideal” state of the self. It possesses every perfection there is to value. Also the person’s ego-ideal is the goal to reclaim the time in childhood, when the person was his or her own ideal. The self can apply emotional investment to objects or oneself, with a depletion of emotional investment, when oneself or an object predominates.

Emotional investment

Freud also established that the emotional investment on objects can also increase the self-esteem at the same time, and that not all emotional investment in others is depleting to self-love. By identifying oneself with a valued person, situation or object, the self-love increases. The identification is a form of imitation of those ideal qualities.

Exploitation

This can be good or bad depending on whether the self-love is based on coercion and theft or actual accomplishments. As Narcissists only pay attention to you when you make them get closer to their ego-ideal, any discrepancies can wound them and make them feel empty and resentful. Naturally they scapegoat the people who were unconscious of their role as a failed accomplice. Victims were not explicitly told at any point that this was their role, as an obsequious pet.

The comparison wound

Try to remember situations in your life where a narcissist looked wounded at witnessing your skills or intelligence. In my experience there are physical manifestations that we intuitively recognize, but ignore to keep the peace.

This usually is a widening of the eyes, often associated as the evil eye in traditional cultures. It signifies the self-wound. See Totem and Taboo: https://rumble.com/v1gsmvn-totem-and-taboo-sigmund-freud.html

Then there is a drunken movement, like the narcissist is losing balance was purposefully wounded by the target.

Hostile gossiping and character assassinations, to find allies to close the gap, between the real and the ideal.

Like in the cycle of abuse there are always reasons to justify personal agendas, often involving abuse towards the victim, who feels they are just minding their own business. Your skills are never just “minding your own business." Your skills encroach on the mental territory of others which live in a fluctuating gap between the real self and the ideal self. This is against your assigned role your narcissist gave to you, to behave and “know your place.” To a narcissist, in their mind, “you are undermining me!” In a competitive world, your skills are seen as competition for a finite pie of resources and attention. Especially if you have empathetic skills, you can expose who the narcissists are, by detecting their lack of empathy, and counter their agenda. You then are an even bigger threat, because people are political and follow different sets of rules.

Learned-helplessness

For the victim, the results of these tactics lead to learned-helplessness, like in the famous study where the dog is punished no matter where it sits, so it gives up trying to escape. Just like the laboratory dog in the study, the victims find it hard to assert themselves and remain passive for fear of more punishment. Naturally people focus on this aspect of the narcissist, because the emotions they engender in the victims are so frustrating. Targets are frustrated because they can only imagine their revenge. This then leaves victims exhausted with no real outlet for anger. The only outlet is to remind ourselves that our skills and talents set off the vindictiveness of the narcissist in the first place. The victim must realize that it is a horrible compliment, to get narcissistically abused, but still a compliment. You were abused by people sick with envy.

The False Self

What is often not noticed is the motivation of the false self to engage in these cruel behaviours. To come to the aid of our understanding, are theories of the False Self. To understand the pain The False Self is creating will help victims, and future targets, to grasp the motivations behind the hostility. It may also predict how the suspects will behave.

Winnicott

One of the early psychoanalysts that theorized about the false self was Donald Winnicott. In pathological situations, the false self replaces the true self and becomes the only true self to the patient. The False Self becomes found out when situations appear where the true self is required, and the false self is lacking authenticity.

Winnicott makes a gradation from pathology to health:

At one extreme, the false self is considered real to others, but fails at what only the true self can do.

In a less extreme situation the true self lives a secret life and is protected by the false self.

As health increases the false self is used until an environment can be found that is supportive of the true self.

Toward further health the false self is identified with people and environments of the patient’s past.

In normal health the false self is used for a social attitude in areas where the true self cannot make it alone. This is similar to Carl Jung’s Persona, which is the mask we wear in dealing with others.

Winnicott’s simplified description of the True Self is more straightforward in simply taking the body’s aliveness, and the multiple ways it manifests in the feeling body, as the True Self. He also talks about the value of play which factors heavily in future theories about intrinsic motivation and the energizing power of having the freedom to be creative.

Heinz Kohut and Sam Vaknin

With Heinz Kohut and Sam Vaknin, the False self constitutes defensive structures to defend the vulnerable true self. It is also used to manipulate others to get better treatment. The False self only allows the narcissist to love the impressions they get from people, but not the people themselves. The True Self is adaptable and can cope with intellectual and social problems.

Covert Narcissism

To me this is a big hint on how society will have to be run in the future if we want people to let their guard down with the false self. If attaining success and power requires endless covert action, then only being a narcissist will allow you success. A horrible double-bind where soul-crushing, mechanistic inauthenticity replaces aliveness and honesty. It means that being open and honest about weakness and vulnerability, will be exploited by others who are covert. Those who are open and honest will look more incompetent than they really are, and those who hide their mistakes and blame others will look more competent than they really are.

Exploitation

This is the gateway for Ponzi-schemes, con-artists, propagandists, and would-be dictators who thrive on the creativity of lies to hide mistakes. Being honest about mistakes is required for experimentation and creativity. As many scientists would attest, failed experiments often lead to discoveries that no one expected. Being afraid of mistakes leads to this tensing, to eliminate truth and authenticity, which stifles creativity and makes a workplace, for example, like a dictatorship.

Alexander Lowen

Alexander Lowen expanded on this this subject of the True and False self in great detail, and agrees with Winnicott that the embodied aliveness is the key to the self. His contribution to the debate, on how society puts pressure to follow an ideal image, is encapsulated in a quote. “When wealth occupies a higher position than wisdom, when notoriety is admired more than dignity, when success is more important than self-respect, the culture itself overvalues “image”, it must be regarded as narcissistic.”

Emptiness

One of the more resonating descriptions for me as a reader is Lowen describing narcissistic emptiness. In my experience, just being around a narcissist can create feelings of emptiness. Their constant attention on what is missing in one’s life, and pointing out vulnerabilities in others can make empathetic bystanders feel empty themselves. The emptiness he describes of narcissist’s is the deadening of the bodily needs of the self and overemphasis on image. This reminds me of Sonia Choquette, the life coach, that gets people in touch with their true self. The sadness that our society needs to have people teach this shows that, in the last 30 plus years since Lowen published his book, the need is greater than ever to reclaim the self.

WNAAD Stalking: https://rumble.com/v1gvhk1-stalking-world-narcissistic-abuse-awareness-day.html

Attenuation of the self

Try and stay in the body. It literally takes effort to meditate and go into the body, and in Sam Vaknin’s experience, a severely narcissistic patient will find it nearly impossible to resuscitate the attenuated True Self. The True Self is so attenuated that all it can inspire in the narcissist is further embarrassment, due to its lack of skill and feeling. Then the mind bounces back to the False Self for protection, because it is more automatic and skilled.

The False Self as protection

Agreeing with Kohut and Vaknin, Lowen describes the need for this image to protect the self from ridicule. To face embarrassment or humiliation from society, is too much to feel. Achieving power and projecting an ideal image is the armour to bring comfort back. The price for this is emptiness, a cold false self, and robotic, contorted movements resisting the feelings of the self [True Self]. When embarrassment inevitably occurs then rage appears to attack what caused the embarrassment. See: The 'Ratman': https://rumble.com/v1gu9qj-case-studies-the-ratman-freud-and-beyond.html

Get back into the body

Lowen then goes onto the consequences of sexual relations with this lack of emotional feeling. It leaves only lust and at the same time a lack of love and emotional passion. Sex becomes more about performance than connection. To me this is a major critique on society, and with the increase of screens in our lives, we have more images to idealize. There is a need more than ever for Yoga, Qi-gong, Tai-Chi, Massages and Meditation to ground people back into the body. The pattern of narcissism is to disembody into an ego-ideal, ignore the body’s signals of vulnerable emotions, and then rage, exploit and dominate others in order to protect the vulnerable true self, and reify the false self.

Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780743255431/

The Analysis of the Self by Heinz Kohut: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780226450124/

Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781983208171/

Playing and reality – D.W. Winnicott: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780415345460/

Winnicott, D. W. (2016). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. Oxford Clinical Psychology.

Learned Helplessness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

Psychology: http://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/

[billerak]

So I recently finished The Magnus Archives and it seems to be a light fixation (not hyperfixation quite yet but it could become one with time, probably after I inevitably re-listen to the whole show), which means I must somehow talk about it.

Of course, the main thing I've been thinking about is actually the fears. So I've decided I'm gonna rank them exclusively on a scale of "do not vibe" to "kinda vibe."

None of them are true vibes, of course. That's the point. But you know. Purely personal preferences too, of course.

So, let us begin.

15) The Corruption/The Crawling Rot Yeah I do 100% do NOT vibe with this shit. I hate filth and sickness and while I don't hate bugs I do hate it if they get into my goddamn food. The stories of The Corruption always fucking sicken me.

14) The Desolation/The Lightless Flame I... don't like the idea of burning alive. That's about it really. Nevermind all the other horrible things this particular fear represents. Don't think it would take me, though: Don't have a lot of connections or things to live for. If anything I'd maybe become an acolyte? Hypothetically speaking I would love to commit some arson against people (on minecraft).

13) The Buried/Too Close I Cannot Breathe If this was just claustrophobia it'd probably be higher up. I kinda like enclosed spaces, and I've liked the few times in my life I've been underground. That being said, fuck the asphyxiation part of this. Or the actually being trapped part. Swallowing dirt or mud flowing into your lungs or being trapped in a box that keeps you like a contortionist? Fuck right off mate.

12) The Slaughter/Butchery I have some experience with gratuitous violence. I wouldn't want to experience it again. Also, From the River to the Sea. Fuck Israel and zionists.

11) The Spiral/It Is Not What It Is So, episode 100 kinda seems to imply having ADHD actually makes you more resistant to the spiral, which I find funny cuz I have it, but... yeah, the idea of my mind lying to me is actually very present in my life. Also, The Distortion was The Backrooms before it was popular.

10) The Stranger/I Do Not Know You Kinda keeping in line with the previous one, I do tend to stay away from strangers and I've always found mannequins to be creepy. I feel like the uncanny valley is why I've hated 3d games trying to be realistic for so long. Nevermind that I care a lot about my identity. The part where they take who you are from you is... among the most psychologically scary things in the show. This could be a bit higher on the list if not for the part where they take your skin and stick you in wax.

9) The Eye/It Knows You We all have secrets we don't want found out, and I am actually a bit paranoid myself. Probably has to do with my self esteem issues. I hate knowing that there's probably nobody judging me as harsh as I do myself, and yet... Yeah, it's a doozy. Hot take tho: I find the eye statements to be mostly underwhelming? I don't think they ever fully manage to grasp the fear of being judged.

8) The Flesh/Viscera I find this one scary because I find it appealing. I find the idea of shaping my body with something like the boneturner to be something I'd fall into with my strange sense of identity. Also the first appearance of this fear lives rent free on my mind, though I think the reason it's scary is how disgusting it is? And that could probably fall closer to the rot?

7)The End/Death Fun fact: I made my peace with death when I was like... 12. I laid in bed one night, realizing the inevitability of my own mortality, and I cried for a while about it. Then I realized... if I can't do anything about it, then why stress over it? We all die. Of course, I don't want to die. I don't want my loved ones to die. It's something I am kind of afraid of, but it's not something I despise, so it gets the middle spot on this list.

6) The Extinction/The Terrible Change We live in a generation where this fear will probably come to be. That's the scariest part of it, I think. I don't expect I'll live to see my 40's tbh. Whether it's global warming or a nuke that takes me (or unrelated health issues), I am certain humanity will end by its own hand, and it's sad. Probably won't get to mars either. (certainly not with the long rat)

5) The Web/The Spider I'm not afraid of spiders, but I hate manipulation. That being said the way it's presented in the show is not that scary. Either it's a spider controlling you to torture you, or you're part of a scheme so big you don't even realize it 'till the end. Maybe I don't find it that scary because I've never been subject to the type of manipulation others have.

4) The Hunt/The Everchase I don't like the idea of being hunted or hunting, don't get me wrong... But I also don't find it particularly scary. Police brutality is a bitch. ACAB. I guess it makes more sense for animals to be scared of it tho. Not a lot of thoughts on this one, save to say the hunt statement in season 5 was probably my favorite? Idk I really liked it.

3)The Dark/Forever Blind I'm still kinda scared of the dark, but mostly because I'm afraid I'll step on something and it'll hurt. I stopped believing in ghosts many years ago and weird sounds in my house are about on the same level of scariness whether it's light or dark. Really, the only thing that doesn't push this farther up the list is that I don't like the idea of becoming blind. The kids episode during season 5 was fucked up tho.

2) The Vast This was kind of in the run to be 1, but they do mention they get hungry a few times during the statements about the Vast so I don't like that. Honestly, I find none of the fears this manifests as that scary. Whether it be the sky, the ocean, or the void of space. Also I grow excited when I think about the insignificance of human life in the scale of things, rather than fearful.

1) The Lonely/Forsaken I'm an introvert. Do I need to say much more? Ofc I have family and friends and stuff, and I love discussing things with people... but The Lonely's stories never seemed that bad to me. I figure if I were to get taken by it (I wouldn't, ofc, as it's not something I'm particularly afraid of) I'd be far better off than most people. Yes, I know, kinda funny that the 3 that went on the daedalus are the ones I found least scary lmao.

Took like an hour to write this, but... yeah, I think I needed to get my thoughts out there. Don't take most of the middle spots too seriously tho, they can probably be interchangable depending on my mood. Only top and bottom 3 are fixed in place.

[rocknrolllstarrx]

i foolishly thought that going on umrah this year would fix all my problems and that by this time i'd be happy or at least one of my prayers would have come true. they came true for some of the people i prayed for but not for me yet

i really have a bad problem and i need really good therapy to fix myself. i have been like this for so long - so alone, trapped in my negative thoughts, horrible self esteem. i feel like i will be stuck in this miserable cycle of self loathing forever. i don't want to be like this. it feels like my dreams are so fucking far away. i cant see myself ever achieving them. i cant see a future where i am not depressed and alone because i've been like this my whole life. it's been like this forever.

i've tried the gratitude thing. yeah sure but its not enough. i take my meds but clearly thats not enough. i've tried praying but sometimes it truly feels like God does not like me or He loves other people around me so much more than me. I know its probably not true but it feels like that. 

i despise my face. i hate my body. who i am. i hate that i grew up in a family that has eurocentric facial features and i don't, and how its still fucked up my perception of myself at the ripe age of 28. i hate that i see my cousin and compare her life to mine and how she got everything in life JUST bc of her beauty, and how people have treated me (and continue to treat me) like shit just bc of the way i look. i know if i was beautiful my life would be so much better and people would be so much nicer to me. i don't know why God made me so unattractive and made the women in my family so beautiful. its so unfair. some days i cant even look at myself.

no body understands how awful body dysmorphia is until they actually have it. it really makes me wish that someone could put a gun to my head and end it all. what is really fucked up is how i wish i had anorexia instead of bulimia/BED for 14 years bc then maybe my parents would have taken my problems more seriously too since anorexia is way more visible on someone. and at least i'd have been skinny. its such a horrible fucked up way to think. it just shows how bad i've gotten at seeing myself.

i can't love myself. i don't understand what it means to love yourself. i cant imagine an attractive guy wanting to f"ck me. im so not at peace with myself. all i ever wanted was to be at peace in my mind and in my life. and find happiness in any form. thats it. im so so exhausted of this cycle of feeling okay with myself and my life, and then going down the rabbit hole the next minute. i need so much help.

[delicatekittycomputer]

"Grandaddy I need you!!! Why is it gotta be so hard, but yet so far from the truth. I'm no longer sad you left us. This month is a really bad time for me. I just want to be in peace.

I want to not have these issues. I don't want anything but to feel your presence as I go through life....

Nobody understands me or my mental issues. But in those times you were having it rough did you know what to do all the time? I have no other way to feel. IM alright. Ill just leave this in my draft.... I Just hate it!!!! How can we possibly go on in this horrible life we created.

We gotta find Peace and Love and work together. I just needed to let it out. I can't scream loud enough (legit) I'll be sitting on your side of the bed. Writing for my own self-esteem. Is there a point for this? Well yeah. Because our title was in the book all along. Let me listen to this song and I'll be right over there. Maybe we can just take a look at our lives in the eyes of our own anticipation.

Are we really alive or floating around in the world to just be fallen Rejects?" Don't ask my I had to. Just know its what could've saved me after all this time; to be continued! Don't fret for the dead my dear loved ones. They aren't seeking reverence.

Why was I not chosen for this life but brought for a death certificate?

Is this the moral of the story?....

Not even close to the end. Keep on the Good fight my grand daughter.

And in those dark and from the ashes to dust and dust to ashes. We call 🤙 oh well well seek justice first. Would you call this a Lil looney well the way I see it's what my mother said. You'll go into the world be the change to others. Or be corrupted by the Worlds sin.

But Mother do you know? That all have sinned and filled short. For we all were not made go be perfect but the example of The Love of Christ. The choice he made for all. And Man could become #Adam'sApple 🍏

Does this ever make sense. Does writers stop and take a break or keep on writing like the scrolls and tabernacles. Would you take my lines and walk through Hail Hades. But really the Devil is out in the world and is silenced by God but the Lion preys for his prayer. To Find the foul and lost soul to be returned...

Unknown; we can make this into a Better version but help me as a writer and author of my Story for its barely been published. We'll I rethink it or press pause or burn it to the ground. Does it always have to be broken and Dark. Yes. Cause that's unfortunately the Mind wanders too and finds her comfort and when it's lost or gone. What more can you ask of me.

[secondhandjokess]

"I had planned more to say, to speak to the nature of your character and the bravery that you have exhibited in this Bloom, but I now know that my stature is of a nature that those compliments would be unworthy. You deserve this more than I."

Hob is accustomed to humiliation, but it stings worse now than ever. Listening to Rue's words about how the Goblin court had used, and continued to use him to their own ends, one phrase kept repeating in Hob's mind.

Blunt instrument.

That's all he is, and he knows that, and he's made his peace with it. Or he's attempted to. He's a servant of the Goblin court, he serves at their pleasure, and he is to be used to further their aims. And what does it matter if a hammer doesn't like the tasks it is used for? It is fulfilling its purpose, and there has to be some contentment in that. There has to be. And he has often been reminded that nothing good can ever come of any attempt he might make to be anything other than a tool in the hands of his masters.

But hearing it from Rue is mortifying in new and horrible ways. He's been used, Rue said. Used in a way, judging by Rue's implication, that compromised Hob's honor. And all Hob can think is that of course he's been used, he's a blunt instrument. He is meant to be used. It shouldn't feel this shameful to hear it said out loud by someone he admires. But right now, there's no peace to be found in his purpose, in serving his betters, with no thought to his own desires. Rue implored him to protect himself, and to consider his own feelings, and he feels nothing but the humiliation of abject failure. He had only been trying not to fail his court, and now, suddenly, he realizes that he's been failing utterly to possess even a sliver of the integrity and courage and strength of character that Rue has demonstrated.

He had wanted to express his admiration for Rue's bravery. He had wanted to apologize for the role he played in instigating a false rumor. He had wanted, maybe, even though it's so far above his station as to be absurd, to express a feeling of camaraderie with Rue. But no. No, he truly has nothing in common with them. They are self-possessed, self-reliant. To express his admiration would only serve to point out the insurmountable gap between them, and to express camaraderie would likely amount to an insult to Rue. Someone as courageous as Rue could have no fellowship with someone who would allow himself to be used, again and again, by people who gave him no consideration in return.

Hob had wanted to give Rue his Medal of Courage is symbol of the esteem in which he holds them. But that thought is gone from his mind as he presses it into Rue's claws. All he can think now is that he knows what true courage is, because it stands before him, and he has never once in his life demonstrated it.

[alternative27angel]

Chengyao Spy x Family AU

Just getting this out of my head because it’s seriously interfering with my actual WIP that I haven’t touched in months and would love to get back to actually

AU where Jin Guangyao is a seasoned spy that has to create a fake family

The father - Jin Guangyao (Professional spy. Codename: Lianfang-zun)

The child - Jin Ling (Telepath)

The mother step-father - Jiang Cheng (Professional assassin. Codename: Wanyin)

The mission - Infiltrate Cloud Recesses Academy in order to get close to Wen Ruohan, whose only grandson is the first Wen in decades to enroll at the school

The idea is relatively basic in set up, just having Chengyao and Jin Ling in the titular Spy x Family roles, as it’s almost like playing Spot The Difference. JGY canonically is a social chameleon with an eidetic memory and experience in espionage. JC has a ridiculous amount of strength, stamina, and will power, only matched by his ridiculously low self-esteem and astronomically high loyalty to his people. These two are Jin Ling’s parental figures.

This is just forcing them into a scenario where they know absolutely nothing about each other and have it in their best interests act like normal human beings and communicate for once in their lives. Imagine the surprise that this actually works for them.

As no one else fit quite so neatly, everyone else’s roles got tweaked and the plot changed as a result. Other casting choices are under the cut:

Lan Qiren as Henry Henderson - Seeing as I shamelessly replaced Eden Academy with Cloud Recesses, this was both the easiest and admittedly funniest character choice I could make. I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t the same character.

With that in mind, all the Lans are now employed as teachers at CRA, except for Lan Jingyi, whom is instead a dorm student in Jin Ling’s class and replaces the obnoxious twins whose names I can’t bother to remember.

Jin Ling’s only friend is Ouyang Zizhen, whom firmly believes Jin Ling’s family runs a secret business as peace-keeping superheroes. Jin Ling is okay with this assumption, though he’s not sure how Zizhen came to that conclusion.

The target is Wen Yuan, the son of Wen Xu and Wen Ruohan’s only grandson. Yes, I put Lan Sizhui in Damien’s role. Instead of being a classic rich boy tsundere, Wen Yuan is a good boy that’s just so overwhelmed by his crush filter that his brain automatically error codes and he does one of two things: either 1) he runs away at the speed of light, screaming at the top of his lungs or 2) he does random, absolutely dumb things like take his food tray and just dump it on the floor, himself, or whoever’s nearest.

Meanwhile, on the adult side of things: Jiang Cheng has been operating as Wanyin for most of his life, since his parents’ passing when he was fifteen. He grew up with Wei Wuxian, whom is oblivious to his double life, and Jiang Yanli, whom passed in a horrible accident some years back. I’m sure that’s not important.

Wei Wuxian is the Yuri Briar stand-in, only mildly less creepy because there are no obsessive incest vibes to be had, but extra creepy because he’s involved in mad scientist experiments alongside operating as a counter-intelligence operative. Jiang Cheng is blissfully unaware of any of this.

Nie Huaisang is, of course, Jin Guangyao’s lazy but brilliant informant that he’s known for years. His brother works in private security and has known JGY just as long (but does not know JGY and NHS’s actual jobs), and he continuously tries to convince Huaisang to go into the family business. NHS spends most of his off-time dodging Nie Mingjue whenever he comes calling.

[bibbykins]

Rocking Chairs and Rocking Cars

A/N: No full blown smut here, but ofc horny thoughts remain! I should be posting the aftermath texts and what not soon, but I hope you enjoy this in the mean time! It’s a bit rushed, but I hope that doesn’t ruin the experience for you! As always, tips are appreciated since I am saving up to buy a house with my gf, but ofc tips are not required! Hope you all have a great day/night!

Note: This is a drabble for The Household’s Bunny Series

Pairing: Soft Yandere! Jungkook x Chubby! Reader x Soft Yandere! Hoseok

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: 18+, crying, lonliness, body image issues, unhealthy workout habits, abandonment, allusions to body dysmorphia, mommy issues, grinding, lustful thoughts, mentions of cumming, mentions of erections, pussy cupping (?), not rlly yandere although this is kinda a soft yandere series, obsessive behaviors, low self esteem, horrible communication, mentions of anxiety, mentions of car shaking

The house was quiet, and somehow knowing that no one else was home made your floor feel that much more empty. Granted, none of the guys came up all that often. Ever the gentlemen, they actively tried not to intrude on your space. Although, you really wish they did on days like these. It was 10am on a Saturday morning, although the lack of natural light could fool anyone otherwise. The clouds were heavy in the sky, cradling the sunlight in a thick blanket of grey, squeezing themselves for all the water they have. The rain tapped on your window, almost mocking you, reminding you that water was the only company you had.

You debated texting to ask if anyone wanted to come home and have a movie night, or build a fort, or just simply sit next to you, but decided you would just be bothering them. You had that very intimate moment with Jin and Yoongi, and they had remained sweet with you, but you weren’t able to be intimate with them again yet. They had been busy and you had been deprived of the very addicting affection. You’re sure they would come to you if asked, but you didn’t want to be clingy. The last thing you wanted to do was annoy them by following them around like a puppy just because they made you cum. They hadn’t explicitly stated they liked you as anything more than a friend, and you never wanted to go through the embarrassment of assuming such a thing again.

With college almost done, you had nothing to distract you from the looming loneliness you feel sometimes, and it was exhausting. You grew up by yourself, and you swore that would change when you were older. You were determined to be surrounded by people who loved you as much as you loved them, and yet, here you were. You were laying on a couch, watching the rain fall, all by yourself in a 10 floor renovated motel, reaping the consequences of high hopes and naivety your child self didn’t understand. You were never good at making friends, not that your plump figure helped you with your social drawbacks either. Although you made peace with your lack of charisma in person and have made strides to loving your body, the loneliness never subsided for long. 

There were few things you loved more than talking to people and having them listen to you and vice versa, and yet it rarely happened. Maybe you had been spoiled by your seven housemates, so it was making this bout of loneliness that much worse. Since moving in, there was almost always someone home making noise or even talking to you. However, they all told you summer was their busy season, and boy, they weren’t kidding. You had caught mere glimpses of the boys this week, only communicating via text and post it notes. 

You pressed your eyes closed for a moment as you listened to the rain. You thought of your mom. Her cheeks were chubby like yours and you remember her crying when she figured your metabolism was the same as hers, and you couldn’t understand why she hated herself so much that she wanted you to be nothing like her. Your mother had always been beautiful in your opinion, and it was a shame she never saw herself, or you, in that way. You thought about forcing yourself to go to the gym with her for hours on end, just to be able to be next to her. You had always been desperate for her company, desperate to be liked by her. Part of you regrets putting your body through that, but then a part of you is happy you were able to spend time with her until she left. 

Ah, yes, the day she left. That’s exactly what you should be thinking about right now, on a rainy day, all by yourself. You cringed when you felt a tear get a little too close to your ear, wiping it away. You were shocked when you felt even more in its wake. You always felt really silly when you cried, but you figured you might as well let it happen if you're gonna be home alone on a rainy day, thinking of all the ways people avoided spending time with you while you tried even harder to spend time with them. Who's next? Jungyoon? The uncle who took you in just to admit drunkenly how much the sight of you upsets him three hours into your 17th birthday. Your dad? No. That's not wise.

You sighed. Maybe if you had learned better social cues when you were younger, you wouldn't be a college graduate with no friends to talk to.

It didn't take long for you to break into full on sobs. You stuck somewhere between angry at the people who didn't want to be with you and sad that they didn't want to. Childishly, you deemed it wasn't fair and all you could do was cry. You hadn't had a day like this in a while, but holy shit did it suck each time.

Eventually, you ceased your tears and were left a red and puffy mess, so you decided to go to the kitchen to depuff your face with some ice. Then the rest of your day could only go up from here. You had your cry, and even though the elevator was going down, your day would only go-

OH NO WHY IS IT STOPPING AT FLOOR 5?!

You couldn't even think of who it could be as you looked in the mirror at the corner of the elevator and wished to evaporate. You had obviously been crying, terribly. Nevermind you were in a cropped long sleeve, short shorts, and thigh highs, your eyes were red and a little puffy, your cheeks were clearly tear stained, and even your lips were swollen. You couldn't, "oh, it's allergies." Your way out of this one.

"I didn't know you were home, Hobi." You murmured.

"Yeah, I just popped in real quick to grab something before I go back to…" Hoseok's smile dropped the instant he saw your face. You didn't even have the chance to look away, but you tried to anyway. He gently gripped your chin, guiding your eyes to meet his, "Bunny, is everything okay?" 

You pressed your lips together before nodding, "Yeah, it's just…" You glanced at his face, surprised to see him clinging onto your every word, "Sometimes, I get lonely." You shrugged as his eyes widened, "I get to thinking about my mom and…" You made vague hand movements as you shrugged.

He thought for a moment, “Even though we all kind of grew up together, we never really treated each other like more than roommates, but you’re here now.” He pulled you into a tight hug and you gasped before relaxing into his embrace. You closed your eyes for a moment as you held him close to you, "We've all been really busy, I didn't even consider how lonely you would feel." He lamented and you shook your head.

"I'm a big girl, I can be alone." Your words were muffled in his shirt, "It's just a little crying-"

"But you don't have to be alone anymore, and I don't want you to cry, none of us do." He placed a chaste kiss on your forehead, "Thinking about my mom used to really ruin my day, doesn't now, so don't worry, but that took time." You nodded, feeling tears creep in again.

"Thank you." You hummed as he pulled back, "Sorry to-"

He shushed you, putting his finger on your lips, shaking his head at your apology.He leaned his forehead on yours, making your breath hitch, "Do you want to go with me?"  He asked softly.

You blinked in confusion, "With you, where?"

His grin only widened and you looked to him skeptically, “Do you trust me?” He asked all too innocently and you nodded, “Then, do you want to go with me?” He asked again as he placed purple-tinted sunglasses on his face.

“I suppose…” You studied his smug face, “Let me go change-” You went to press the next floor so you could get off but were stopped with a soft grip from Hoseok.

“I’m in a bit of a rush, and you look great.” He smiled as the elevator reached the entrance.

You wanted to protest, but you let it be. Surely you would not stick out in the slightly scandalous outfit you were in.Truthfully, it was your body that seemed to make it scandalous to other people. Although, if you had a skirt on, it would just be a typical outfit for you, so maybe it wasn’t so weird? These thoughts ran through your mind as you slipped on some shoes and went into Hoseok’s very nice car. 

So are you gonna tell me where we’re going or…?” You asked as the renowned hair stylist drove with a smirk in response to your question, “Okay Mr. Mysterious, can I ask questions about it until we get there?” You asked cheekily.

He chuckled, “Of course, you can do whatever you want, baby.” His voice was silky smooth and the nickname shot straight to your nether regions and you scolded yourself for it.

“Are we going to a job of yours or am I just running errands with you?” You looked at his unwavering smile as you asked.

“A job, but the client will not mind if you’re there, before you ask.” He stole your next question by answering it smugly. You pursed your lips as you studied him. He was in a lavender dress shirt with the top two buttons undone and sleek navy blue slacks, all of which complimented his black hair. 

You, on the other hand, wore a baby pink turtleneck with the hem ending just barely above your matching form-fitting high-waisted fabric shorts, showing just a sliver of your stomach skin while a lot of your thigh skin was on display with white over-the knee socks. You had taken scandalous photos for your OnlyFans, and if you lifted your arms all the way up, a lacy bralette would greet the outside world. You were just feeling a bit self conscious considering the well dressed man in the car next to you. Sure, you looked cute, but was this level cute appropriate for his job? You didn’t want to make a bad impression and have that effect Hoseok.

“And here we are.” He sang and you snapped back to reality as he parked behind a building that had no defining qualities from the back. The ride went by in a flash and you pouted a bit at not even asking another question.

Ever the gentleman, he opened the door for you as he led you inside with him. The hallways were crowded with people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Judging by the bits of chatter you could pick up as you scurried behind Hoseok, this was a photography studio and a high-level star was having a photoshoot.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here!” A man that seemed to be in his late 30s sighed in relief when he saw Hoseok, “He is in the worst mood today, and I’m so frightened-who is that?” The man’s wild eyes fixated on you for the briefest of moments and he realized your puffy features and shook his head, “Whatever, just go in there and calm him-”

“This is our housemate, y/n, and the shoot isn’t for another 30 minutes and he just needs hair, right?” Hoseok spoke calmly in spite of the chaos surrounding the both of you as the man nodded, “Great, I just need to touch him up and we’ll calm him down in time to take some good photos.” The man nodded tiredly, “Is the dressing room empty now?”

“Yeah, he kicked everyone out so he could calm down, but that never works.” The man cried out helplessly, “Why is he so frightening?!” Hoseok simply patted the man before navigating the hallways. Frightening? The man shivering looked quite burly and tall, who could be scaring him so much?

The “we’ll” made you nervous, but you held Hoseok’s hand so you wouldn’t get lost until he pushed through a dressing room door, “Hobi’s here.” He chimed and you heard a man behind a partition grunt. You looked around the spacious room to see a comfy looking green L couch along with a wooden rocking chair, which you thought was interesting. Beyond that, there was the typically lavish amount of mirrors and counter space, “I also brought a surprise!” Hoseok sang and you were ripped from your observations.

“It better not be anything dumb-” Jungkook’s voice died on the impact that was emerging from the partition and seeing you. Hise eyes studied your body, namely the slight squish of skin between your socks and shorts, which made his pants feel a bit tight, “Y/n, what…”His voice trailed off when he noticed you had definitely been crying, and not long ago. Right as he was going to accuse Hoseok, he saw you let go of his hand and give him a smile, figuring it wasn’t him that made you upset.

Your eyes brightened when you saw a familiar face, “Oh hi, Kook!” You beamed, “I didn’t realize Hoseok was taking me with him to see you, how nice!” You cheered, “I’ll be out of your way while you work, though!” You went to go sit on the couch as Jungkook nodded, robotically making his way to the chair in front of the mirror. He wore a silky black shirt with a harness around his waist and black slacks with razor thin pinstripes and black dress shoes. His hair was styled mostly to perfection, making you wonder what more there was to do. Alas, you weren’t the professional.

Hoseok looked to the younger man with a smug smile, “Just some last touches need to be done and then you can calm your nerves a bit with our little bunny.” He chided and Jungkook scoffed.

It took no more than five minutes for Hoseok to style the star’s hair into further perfection, “Wow, you look super handsome, Kook!” You cheered, earning a small smile from the man in question.

Hoseo chuckled, “He does indeed.” He cooed, making the younger man scowl, “Now, you have some time to zen out with bunny, use it wisely. I’ll come get you when it’s time.” He patted Jungkook before giving you a wink and exiting the room.

“You having a bad day-”

‘Were you crying?” His voice sliced through yours and you’re taken aback for a moment. With no response, he stood, making his way over to you. He towered over you before leaning down to grip your chin lightly, “Were you?” A hint of worry flashes across his eyes, and you wondered if you were just seeing things.

“Yeah… I was just feeling lonely.” You speak honestly, shrugging, “It’s not a big deal-”

“Why didn’t you call me-or anyone?” He asked, voice rushed as his eyes searched your face for an answer. It’s like an interrogation that you don’t have comprehensive answers for, so you shrug.

“Everyone was busy.” You murmur, “I only cried because I thought about my mom and stuff, it’s okay.” You avoided eye contact with him as you said this, feeling out of your element talking about your mom. This made his mouth part, but he haid no words. He understood what you meant, and that made it all the more harder to comfort you.

Jungkook sighed at how you’ve shrunk under his barrage of questions and sinks down to his knees, his hands going to your waist, stroking the sliver of exposed skin, “Nobody was mean to you, right? You didn’t cry because anyone bothered you?” You smiled at his tenderness before nodding.

You watched his face, studying the cleverly concealed dark circles under his eyes and gave him a sad smile, “Are you having a bad day too, Kook?” You asked softly and he sighed, like he was letting himself relax for the first time before nodding, “I see..” You thought for a moment, unsure how to make him feel better until you remembered, “Did you want to touch my thighs?” You said the first thing that came to mind and before you could be embarrassed, he nodded, "Okay, how do you want me?"

What a question, Jungkook thought, smiling tiredly, "Sit in my lap?" He looked up at you hopefully and you nodded.

"I won't be too heavy or anyth-woah!" You gasped when he lifted you, legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you to the rocking chair, sitting you both down, "I stand corrected." You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck while his hands placed themselves on your thighs.

He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling your thighs in his hands, rocking you both back and forth. In every dressing room, he required a rocking chair, in case he needed to calm down. He debuted at the ripe age of 15 and with no guardian until 17, he was prone to panic attacks. The company sent him to therapy and the rocking chair was introduced. He never let anyone touch the chair, but he couldn't deny how nice it was having you in his arms, cradling his head into your bosom. 

“I like the rocking chair, very calming.” You mused, as if reading his mind and he offered a tired hum in agreement.

The day had truly been terrible. Stage after stage, minimal hours of sleep, and stupid people asking the same stupid question. And yet, here you were, hands stroking the skin on his neck as he lost himself in your form. Your thighs were softer than he anticipated, and he felt himself let out an exhausted sigh, finally relaxing into you.

"You haven't been home a lot, so I get why you're so stressed." You mused into his hair, "But you should go a bit easy on the staff, I just saw a buff thirty-something year old near tears when we came in." You giggled and Jungkook couldn't help but laugh a bit.

"Sungmin is my manager, he can take it." He felt blissful for the first time in a while as he rocked you both back and forth, his thumbs stroking the supple skin of your thighs.

"Still, maybe if people aren't so stressed around you, it might ease your stress." You chided softly, pressing a chaste kiss to his head.

The affection made his eyes flutter closed and he hummed, "We'll see, but don't hold your breath." He joked.

You had never felt Jungkook so calm before. Usually he has something snarky or detached to say. Some kind of non committal or indifferent comment, but he was too exhausted to do even that. You smiled softly at the cozyoment and the affection. It was hard to realize how touch starved you were, dreading when you would have to get up.

Youboth rocked back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time, too wrapped up in the calmness of each other’s presence to say much at all.

Finally, you spoke up a bit, "This is making me feel better. I like the closeness a lot." You hummed softly, "I remember when I was in some club in highschool, we were taking photos with girls on the guys's backs and all the guys scrambled to not have to give me a piggyback ride, so I just stood on my own." You did a short laugh. Jungkook fumed at the idea of stupid people making you feel like anything less than perfect, but you continued, "And now I'm in the lap of a pop star, it's a little funny." Now he felt smug, giving your thigh a small squeeze.

"Sounds like you had some weak ass guys in your highschool club." He snorted, leaning his head up as you settled down onto his lap further, now looking eye to eye with your torsos farther apart, his feet planted firmly on the floor to keep the rocking chair still, "I'll deny I was ever this nice, but," He studies your face for a moment, "You're so beautiful." He sighs out and he watched your face light up, and feels what that does to him, scaring the fuck out of him.

You couldn't find words except, "Can I kiss you?" You breathe and he nods with hooded eyes, and before you knew it, you were surging forward to press his mouth to yours. The kiss was fierce, but he responded to it at the speed of light. His mouth moved in sync with yours before taking control of the kiss, moving closer as he stilled the chair. Your hands were shyly clutching his shoulders, careful not to mess up his hair. One hand traveled to your hip as the other massaged your thigh deeply, thumb inching its way to the inner part. Your tongues intertwine and you gasp needily when he's a mere centimeter from where you want him most. You damn near whine when his hand stops inching closer to your core making him grunt.

Jungkook nearly lost his mind when he feels your nails dig into his shoulder and your hips wiggle in the slightest. He wanted to tell you to just mess up his hair, fuck everything else, and just let him make you cum in his lap. He wants to feel what he’s doing to you, uninhibited. His hand cups your sex and you groan into his mouth. He smirks at how warm it is, how wet you must be from a little bit of kissing, and how wet you will-

KNOCK, KNOCK

You jump, effectively falling off of the chair, and onto the floor just as Hoseok walks in, "Hey Jungkookie, it is time to- Bunny?!" Before Jungkook can even reach out his hand, the older man is helping you up.

"I'm alright, just clumsy." You chuckle awkwardly, before turning to the celebrity, thanking the stars his makeup and hair aren't messed up, "Well, have a good photoshoot!" You beamed, "Let's go get some lunch, Hobi." You spoke rushedly as you took the man's hand, dragging him along.

"Oh, uh, bye!" Hoseok hollers to the dumbfounded Jungkook as he watched the dressing room door close, leaving him winded with a boner.

When you get in the car, your eyes are like saucers and Hoseok can't help his curiousity as he turns on the car. However he doesn’t push until you both are a little closer to home, but before he can even ask you grab his leg and stare at him with panicked eyes, "Fuckfuckfuckfuckwhatthefuckdid- AHHH!" You let out the quietest scream, before looking at him, "How do I go about life this stupid?" You seem to be genuinely asking and yet again, before he can ask, "I kissed Kook and I let him hold my pussy for a moment." You blurt out and Hoseok blinks for a moment. You look to him, waiting for him to freak out but he just shrugs.

"Well color me a bit envious." He muses, before tilting his head in confusion, “When you say he held you pussy-"

“He cupped it and I was gonna let him go further had you not walked in.” You looked to the man as he saw home in sight.

“Ah, I see.” He nods thoughtfully, “So were we wanting to pick something up for lunch or just order delivery, we could cook…?”  

You gaped at him, "Are you not gonna tell me how dumb that was?!" Hoseok shakes his head, "He probably hates me now!" You whined.

Hoseok sighs, "I promise, he doesn't." He reassured you, "Did he… kiss back?" He asks curiously.

"Yes, but I'm not sure what he meant by it." You murmured, "I’m really bad at gathering those kinds of clues. I kissed him because he called me beautiful and I didn't know how to respond and I-"

"You're beautiful." Hoseok interjects, "My turn, my turn!" He parks the car at the house, turning to you with a grin.

"Wait, that's it!" You point to him, "You can tell me what kind of kiss that was." You beamed and he looked at you quizzically, "So kiss me and I'll show you how Kook kissed back so I can understand!" 

Hoseok could not believe his ears. Had people played with your head before? Did you seriously not understand that kissing back meant that they were attracted to you, at the very least. Not wanting to take advantage of you he asked, "Are you sure? You can just describe it to me-"

You nodded, "I don’t want to misrepresent it with my words but I need to know what it meant, but if you feel weird about kissing me I get it-"

Hoseok was watching the chance slip away, so he pressed forward, placing his mouth on yours and groaned when you responded with a force, hand going to his thigh to try and mimic Jungkook's movement. Your tongue finds his way into your mouth and he can’t resist the opportunity to feel your tongue against his. His hand goes to the back of your neck to press his mouth into yours deeper. It was in no time you both forgot what you should be doing.

All you could focus on was how good the affection felt. How nice it was to have someone’s mouth on yours just as needily. You were used to sex and affection being out of convience. You were used to people seeing you willing and figuring, “Why not?” But Hoseok and Jungkook had kissed you with a certain force you had never known. Where Yoongi and JIn were soft, sweet,and comforting, they were urgent, needy, but rough.

Hoseok’s arms wrap around you, bring you into his lap and you feel his growing length beneath you. Against better judgement, you grind down, causing the both of you to gasp, “Fuck, baby.” He groans, gripping you to him harder. His leans down to kiss your jaw and reach your neck, making you press yourself further onto him with a choked moan when you feel him guide you hips as you set a steady pace grinding into him. You groan at the sensuality of hearing his voice riddled with lust and making the windows steamy and the expensive car rock.

“Hobi,” You moan out as he sucks a particular spot on your neck, “Feels good.” You whined, grinding yourself more desperately.

“It does, bunny?” He cooed into your neck, trying to shield his own rising arousal as you  grind onto it desperately. You nodded with a moan and found yourself wishing he would just strip you of your clothes and take you. You would love nothing more than to feel his hands around your neck as he pounded into you, your hips working as wildly as they were then with his hands on them, threatening to limit you, edging you closer, and closer, and-

HONK

You both jumped, not able to go far in the driver’s seat on top of Hoseok after accidentally honking his car horn. You take a moment to look at the position your in and clasp your hand over your mouth, "I did it again!" You whined, muffled by your palm, "What's wrong with me, I get I'm horny but AH!" You groaned from frustration, both sexually and emotionally. 

"Calm down, it's better than okay." The man beneath you strokes your hip soothingly, "I enjoyed it, and if Kook did any of that, he did too." He reassures you, "It's just some consensual kissing, we're all adults, it's okay."

You frown, "But you guys don't need me throwing myself onto you, that's not fair to you." It’s made people recoil from you, you want to say. You don’t want them to recoil from you, you couldn’t take it.

"Arguably, I do need you, in particular, throwing yourself onto me." Hoseok quipped and you rolled your eyes.

"Ha, Ha, very funny, but come on." You deadpan and it only makes him more confused. You don't know how to explain that the odds of a guy like him, or any of them, wanting you, specifically, and not just wanting affection are slim to none in your eyes, judging from past experience alone.

"What?" He asks and you shake your head.

"Ah, forget it." You shrug, "Nothing to fuss about, but sorry I nearly came in your lap-"

"Please do not apologize for something I wanted, almost happening." He groaned and you chuckled, shaking your head, genuinely not believing him, “In fact, I invite you to please hop back on.” He chuckled a bit, so you figured it was a joke. Surely he would be joking about wanting you sexually. 

"You're a funny guy, Hobi." You open the door and hop out, "Well I'm gonna go masturbate or something, and then maybe we can regroup for some lunch when I'm done?" You glance up at the flabbergasted man who nods numbly, too perplexed to even offer his services, "Okay, well thank you for the kiss and what not, the affection is always welcome!" You chirped, "I can give you kisses on the lips more often if you want like I do with Jin and Yoongi?" He nods again and you smile. You give him a chaste kiss on the lips before heading inside.

Hoseok blew out a breath as he sat in his car with a hard on. So the issue wasn't you not being attracted to them. The issue was you not believing they would be attracted to you. Somehow, that was harder for him to dissect, unsure how to prove that he would give you the world if you just mentioned an interest in having it. Not just him, but six other men. To you, kissing or sexual acts wasn't proof that he was attracted to you for being you instead of just another body. They all had to somehow prove you weren't being kissed because of convenience, but desire. All of them were too emotionally stunted up until now to already know how. Yoongi was right, this would be a lot of work. Work they all were willing to do.

Tip Jar

[dimplenodimple-dimplenodimple]

So I lost my retail job of 6 years. It was completely my fault. I hate myself and I hate the world right now but I’m trying my best to forgive myself. (Forgive me if the spacing between paragraphs is weird. My phone is screwing things up)

Here’s what happened… I’m a self-diagnosed woman who believes she’s on the autism spectrum. I don’t have insurance so I can’t get checked out. I had a HUGE meltdown just a couple hours before my shit. I was screaming, crying hysterically, and hitting the floor out of frustration. I wanted to call off that day, but I would miss out on money if I did, so I decided to tough it out and go to work.

I was a crying mess when I got to work. I could not stop crying no matter what— school was coming up soon and it stressed me out and I couldn’t stop thinking about my future. Also, my meltdown left my emotions completely raw, feeling like I opened a metaphorical wound. My manager (who worked with me as a coworker and later on became a manager) told me I had to go home if I couldn’t get my act together. Not “Do you want to go home?” but “You HAVE TO go home.” This infuriated me, because I become extremely sensitive when I’m feeling this way. I told her I refused, and we argued about it. I cussed at her once and was hitting various things in the back of the store. She ended up filling out an incident report and suspended me for three days (while corporate decides whether or not they’re going to fire me). Yesterday I got the letter and I am officially fired.

I am completely shaken up and devastated. I knew this is pretty much my fault, so I really messed up my self esteem by letting this define me. My friends insist that I shouldn’t let this job loss get to my head, but I can’t help but to think I’m a horrible person. I let my emotions control me and now I’m getting what I deserve (or what I think I deserve… it’s hard for me to distinguish between the two).

There’s a few things I’ve learned from this experience.

1. I need to learn how to control my anger and figure out what triggers my rage as well as my meltdowns. This is a more urgent problem than I originally imagined.

2. That losing a job can be bittersweet. As sad as this loss is, I also feel like I’ve been set free from this soul crushing job.

3. That I need to get an autism diagnosis sooner than later. For peace of mind and also for potential government benefits. Maybe I have to work fewer hours alongside school so I don’t get too stressed out

4. If I stick with a bad job for too long, I may eventually snap

5. Losing a job isn’t the end of the world if you don’t let it get to you. I still have to convince myself of this one, but it is a lesson I’ve learned

6. That when you lose the best job you’ve ever had (it was horrible but still better than any other job I’ve had), all of your options feel like downgrades.

7. That I need to find better ways to cope with traumatic experiences than alcohol or self harm (last time I’ve done that was years ago).

I made this post so that maybe I can share my experience with someone also going through a job loss, as well as remind those on the spectrum (self-diagnosed or otherwise) or suffering a mental illness that whatever goes on in your head doesn’t define you, even if you lose your job because of it.

Remember, a job is just a job. It’s not your entire life. Appreciate the small things in life, and your life outside of work. Think of your friends and family who are all rooting for you when you feel like you’re at your lowest low.

I love all of you guys. I hope this post helps someone feel less alone.