#idk what to tag this lol i dont write posts

[flwrblue-bella]

the funny thing about my relationship with my boyfriend is that, outwardly, people would never think he's a freak. they look at us and see the most regular, unassuming, jock-looking, handsome guy in the world dating this dyed-black-hair, beetlejuice-ass-character bitch that i present myself as and logically think "ah yes, she is clearly the domesticated gremlin of that particular situation"

they would, of course, be painfully wrong, because that man is as much of a weirdo as i am. his mind palace is much more strange and disarming than anything i could come up with, and i'm half convinced he just put on an extra 60 pounds of muscles to throw people off his freak-scent

last night for example, he calmly relayed to me that sometimes when we're making out a bit more intensely, he likes to think of how we're actually just one big digestive system, connected through our mouths, which he thought was a very romantic thought.

understandably, i had to prod his brain a little, so i asked "honey. honey. why are you regularly daydreaming about us being human-centipeded together" and he asked me what the plot of the human centipede was, because, again, he likes to pretend he is a regular person and doesn't watch a lot of horror movies. i tried to explain to him what the story of the movies was about, while largely trying to emphasize how it was a little unusual that our most passionate moments of intimacy would unpromptedly conjure in his mind the same thought process as that of a psychotic german doctor who wanted to kidnap people and sew their mouths to each other assholes

and then he, with the biggest, shiniest, bluest eyes in the world, frowned at me and said "well, but they weren't in love", firmly establishing that he thinks that the main problem of the acts committed throughout the human centipede trilogy were upsetting solely due to the lack of true love between the humans who were centipeded

so yeah i'm planning to father his children

[saltynsassy31]

*drags myself through the floor and slams this down*

I present to you

FULLMETAL BARTENDERS AVIAN AU

Divine Nugget Au

(Rant as to why I chose the White-throated Needletail as Blurr's bird and some minor AU lore under the cut)

And that's not all! It comes with a FULL FLEDGED COMIC!!!!!

I spent a whole fucking week on this

I haven't done a comic in 4 years now, I can't believe this is my come-back XD. Though, on that note, know that I probably won't be pumping out any more comics - not any time soon, at least. But I do got more stuff planned for this au! If you ask about it, I'll 100% rant about it LOL

Tw// ⚠️mild gore in the 3rd panel⚠️

While exploring the woods with his team, Swerve had an unfortunate encounter with a crazed hunter. In an attempt to escape, he got injured, but it seems he wasn't the only one caught in the crossfire...

.

.

Okay

So when you look up what the fastest bird in the world is, Google with show the Peregrin Falcom

But there's a catch

The Peregrine is only fast when diving

When it dives to catch its prey, it can go up to 389km/h

Which yeah, pretty fast

But when casually flying, it only goes up to 120 iirc

The Needle Tail?

It can go up to 170km/h

Some have even recorded going over 300! (Close to the Falcon's dive, I believe)

Additionally, these birds only fly. Their habitat is literally listed as "the air," and some even believe they sleep while flying! They only ever land to brood and mate, and then they're off again. Their legs are so short that, if they ground, they can't fly again because it doesn't give enough room to flap their wings.

It fits Blurr perfectly!

It also has a blue-ish colour pattern I can work with lol (it's green, but it looks blue, lol)

Though, also, he isn't 100% like the Needle Tail, just based off of it. I still want avians to be sorta their own species and doesn't have to be exactly like their bird counterparts cuz they aren't them, they're their own thing.

That said, Blurr is one of the shortest from Avians population, still.

They're pretty big.

Another trivial detail of the design!

I was stuck between having his arms be his wings or have them be separate

Until I saw a drawing where they had both, and I realised, "Wait, why isn't that done more often! That's so cool!"

So that's sorta what I did

It's mainly to catch small prey when grounded and to stay better perched up on trees since they're much bigger and having extra fingers helps a lot. Or when they're climbing against a tree to pick up fruits, it gives them an extra boost and can better hang from it

But they're pretty much useless besides that lol

Just neat lil design choice

Other lore stuff. The time in which the au takes place is vaguely modern? But with fantasy aspects? I still haven't decided lol

Technology exists, but not in the way we have it sort of deal, idk, this au is pretty bare bones right now, so go wild with it XD I don't mind it, I love brainstorming it with people. I know this au isn't as big or complex as some others out there, but it's fun, and I hope yall like it too fjsjajaj

[nabaath-areng]

I have way too many alts that I keep to myself (which is why I generally refrain from posting them), but I'm going to ignore that habit for a moment just because I'm feeling particularly insane about this guy.

[valentineveils]

my watcher is my specialist guy ever cus he's so . hes just so . ough info-dump time ! sorry in advance

vicious is a human nature godlike , from the deadfire archipelago , and a former mercenary . he's been raised as a mercenary his whole life , by his father after being taken from his mother at birth [by his father] . yes he has issues about it . i dont think vicious will ever be able to meet her . especially considering she'd be expecting to meet a daughter , and not a son . his father mostly wanted him as a figurehead , a shining spot on his mercenary group due to him being a godlike ,. something to give it attention - more money , more status , more control . he reveres his son as a fragment of luck more than he loves him as his child . his dad did love him , twisted as he was - but it was never enough . even with all that , it does Not work . but vicious never gets to leave being a mercenary until he's 25 , right at the start of pillars of eternity . while also being hunted by another group he ended up crossing , due to a hit gone awry . he has no idea of that ,. until they take his eye and antler post-game . in hindsight its unfortunate and sad that he's been killing since he was 10 . he's a rogue because i really like rogues he fights very scrappy and ends up being downed in so many fights . he can't dodge to save his soul . he has many issues surrounding galawain and how silent his god is to him , even at 30 years old during deadfire . he sees berath more like his godlike parent than galawain . he's a trans man . he stole a baby orlan [vela] and ended up raising her as his own - which he has a lot of turmoil about ,. he's trying not to be his father . he likes bad jokes . he forgets his winks don't come across as winks anymore . so he just blinks . he tries to choose kindness , duty , and he tries to be rational , but can't help when his hands get covered in blood . he's more honest than deceptive . he's really bad at lying . he kisses aloth .

i think abt him so much ., he struggles sooo much with being a godlike , being galawain's son , being made to be a figurehead instead of having a childhood ., despite all that he's actually quite well-adjusted for someone with . All That going on .

[whiskey-tango-matcha]

not to brag, but my therapist told me today that i did incredible during our emdr session, which means i get an A for the day in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve 🙂‍↕️😌

[liquidstar]

april fools is over so now im going to be slash srs instead of slash j. im going to post a little excerpt from one of the oc writing practices ive been doing :) again im not super experienced for a variety of reasons but im doing my best here.

but im going to try and put my self conciousness to the side (thats probably an important part of the practice too, right?) since this isnt final version either way, i can just say im sharing a WIP! so for now it will go the way of most of my other oc stuff..... under the cut

the only context you need is that this would be the opening scene for the story. if i post others i'll have to give more context bc most of them are taken from the middle of something. anyway here goes:

-----

“I love you

I've loved you since the beginning

From when you were only stardust

To when you will rejoin the stars

When everyone will be together again

Understand, you don’t simply live in the universe

You are part of it, taking on a form uniquely alive

You are the universe giving love back to itself

I love you so much”

“Wait!!!”

A lone girl jolts awake, crying a plea into the empty air. Tears stream down her cheeks, as she calls for someone she doesn't know. Her heart aches with a nameless yearning that fades with the memory of her dream. Still, against her will, the emotions linger. A profound sense of love consumes her, an agonizing, grieving love, meant for her. She sighs and wipes away her tears. It was an absurd dream, a ridiculous notion.

As her conscious mind clears, she takes in her surroundings; a forest drowned in the pale blue light of dawn. Her sleeping bag, now encased in dew, was laid on the cold grass. She sits for a while, gazing at the faint sliver of the rising sun’s glow with an indistinct expression, and eventually stands up.

The lone girl begins her daily routine by braiding her hair. With a wave of her hand, she freezes dew on a rock, creating herself a mirror. Her fingers carefully weave her brown locks into a braid, now adorned with a snowflake clip and a scarlet ribbon. She throws on a long blue half-skirt over her shorts, matching her shirt. She forces on a pair of black boots and cuffs on her arm. Lastly, she grabs a moon-themed spear, and she's ready for the day.

Before setting off, she made sure to pack all her belongings, including her numerous hand-drawn maps and a compass. However, she also stops to look into the bag deeper, foolishly expecting to find something new. Instead, she only sighs, "Still no food."

She puts on the backpack and trudges forward anyway, ignoring the hunger pains as best she can. She hums to keep herself distracted.

As she walks, the trees tower above her, shrouding the horizon and taunting her. Birds occasionally fly into view, but seem to disappear in an instant. She wonders if her eyes are playing tricks on her.

The lone girl scribbles on her maps, trying to record a labyrinth of identical tree trunks and twisted paths. This proves useless, as this elliptical forest has her going in circles. Exasperated, she fidgets with her compass, only to see the needle is frantically twitching around. She presses it gently to her forehead and quietly complains, “Don't tell me you're broken…”

Her train of thought was cut short by the sudden sound of running water, so loud she can’t fathom how she’s only now begun to hear it. She decided to put off one problem for another. Following the sound through some shrubs, she quickly finds the source.

Her spear at the ready, she approaches the stream. Scanning its depths for signs of fish, she walks cautiously. Her posture was awkward, her expression was uncertain, betraying her lack of experience. She held her spear to her chest with both arms as she encroached the water’s edge.

She inhales in preparation, removes her skirt and boots, and enters the water with slow, careful steps. The very surface of the stream begins to freeze as it makes contact with her skin. Tiny, thin crystals of ice form as she steps further in. Breathing deeper, as she tries to control the frost, she makes her way to the center of the stream. She stands waiting for fish.

Rather than throwing her spear to hunt, like the intended purpose, she stabs at the water. She’s not good at this, however, and only ends up scaring other potential prey away. She makes several attempts at this but is unsuccessful each time. Refusing to quit, her repeated strikes become more desperate and uncoordinated with each failure. Her growing frustration only makes the water freeze deeper, eventually solidifying around her legs. She yelps, now in a panic, and begins to frantically stab at the ice to free herself.

A mess.

Escaping this ordeal, the lone girl abandons any further attempt at fishing. It probably isn't her calling anyway. She trudges on, lost, wet, cold, and hungry.

She looks at her compass again, her face reflecting in its glass. “You're broken,” she tiredly states, as she feels her eyes begin to well with tears.

“No! No no no! Don't cry! Don't cry Polaris,” The lone girl, Polaris, reassures herself, “Last time you cried you froze your eyelids shut, and that really hurt,” She whines aloud.

Polaris takes a deep breath, slaps her cheeks, and swallows her tears. She elects to follow the river, her only hope of escape, pursuing the promise of a village just beyond this enigmatic forest. She daydreams of a warm meal in a cozy restaurant, and maybe a cold desert too. A glimmer of determination returns to her stride, as she continues her hum from before.

[likablemuffin]

I'm the bad guy aren't I?

(From: The Last One (A sequel to One left)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was finally time.

Reni had no idea what day it even was, so it was a pretty big surprise to her when mother came into her room and told her that she was going to fight in the Battle Nexus this day. 

It's not that Reni isn't ready; it's that she wasn't expecting it today.

As Reni steps off of the metal plate that raised her up into the arena, everyone seems kind of confused about who she is since she's never fought in the Battle Nexus before. But they're interested none the less.

"Today we have a new person entering our wonderful Battle Nexus!" The announcer says. "Reni is her name! She is our amazing leader's daughter!" Reni nods slightly to that. Wow, they actually got something right. From what she's heard about the Battle Nexus, they tend to not get facts about people quite right. Impressive.

"She will be going up against four people!" Wait. Hold on. Four?

Reni freezes and looks up at the glass window where Mother is watching. She notices Reni looking at her and nods. 

Four people?

Jeez. Reni knows she's powerful, but not that much...especially because this is her first fight in the Battle Nexus. 

The platform across from her opens up to reveal four yokai. A praying mantis, a fly, a spider, and a moth. Alright. Guess its a group of bug yokai. The audience cheers as the announcer starts counting down. 

"Three!" Reni gets into an attacking position. "Two!" The bugs across from her do the same. "One!" This is it. "GO!!!"

The fly and moth instantly fly up, and the praying mantis and spider stay on the ground. Reni takes one of her axes and throws it at one of the spider's legs. It hits its mark, and the spider screeches as one of its legs gets cut off. The people in the crowd scream as Reni runs up and slips right in between the praying mantis and spider to grab her axe. The praying mantis nicks her cheek slightly, but Reni quickly uses its arm out as an opportunity to grab its arm and throw it across the floor. 

The spider tries to swipe at her with one of its remaining arms, but Reni ducks and slices off that arm too. Gosh. Talk about big and stupid. The spider backs away and holds its second cut-off arm.

The moth swoops down and picks Reni up while the fly takes her axes from her. "Wha!-" Reni manages to say before she gets carried into the air. She tries to struggle out of the moth's grasp, but all of a sudden the moth drops her.

Alright, well, she's quite high above the ground, and there's a very large chance she will break one of her bones if she continues to just fall. 

Guess she's going to have a few broken bones then because there's nothing she can really do except brace herself for the impact. 

As she lands, she can both hear and feel one of her arms break. She restrains herself from screaming out and instead gasps in pain. "Shit-" And just to add insult to injury, the fly yokai flies right above her and drops her two axes. Reni just barely rolls out of the way before the axes can fall on her. She picks one up and lets her broken arm fall to her side as she stands. The moth and fly yokai continue to circle above her in the air while the praying mantis and spider surround her.

Why does this not feel fair?

Reni's breaths come out short and heavy, and she tries her best to not pay attention to the extreme amount of pain that's coming from her arm. She watches the yokai surrounding her, clearly waiting for the perfect time to attack. Suddenly, the praying mantis rushes at Reni from behind her. She was expecting this, though. 

She easily does a backflip over it and lands on its back. It flails around, and Reni struggles to hold on while one of her arms is currently immobile. The moth tries to pick her up again but fails. Once the praying mantis starts to get a bit tired and stops flailing around as hard, Reni chops its head off from behind. Its body falls to the ground limp. Reni tries not to grimace as she watches blood squirt out of the place where its head used to be. If she's going to do any more fights in the Battle Nexus, she's going to have to get used to this.

The spider yokai screeches, and Reni has to quickly jump off of the praying mantis to avoid getting hit. The spider's claws get stuck in the praying mantis's dead body, and the spider freaks out as it tries to get its claws out of its dead friend. Reni takes this opportunity to focus on the flying insects. It gonna be pretty hard to reach them, especially with her broken arm...

Reni decides on trying to throw her axe up at them. What's the worst that could happen? 

Reni throws her axe up as high as she can. It jostles her broken arm, and she winces. The axe hits one of the moth's wings and cuts it off, and it almost instantly falls to the ground. The fly yokai tries to grab Reni's axe before it falls to the ground, but once it sees that Reni is coming up to grab the axe, it quickly flies back up again. Reni picks up the axe from its spot on the ground and approaches the moth yokai. Once it sees her coming, it scurries on its legs to try and escape her as best it can. When Reni keeps following it, it stops and puts its other not-cut-off wing to try and protect itself. Reni chops that one off too.

Then slices its body in half down the middle.

Reni hears the spider yokai finally getting its claws unstuck and turns around to face it. It looks scared as it stares at its other now-dead friend. Reni takes its moment of shock to close the gap between them and cuts off another of its arms. The spider manages to grab one of Reni's arms, though.

The broken one.

Reni can't prevent her scream this time.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit

Reni cuts off the spider's arm that's holding hers and stumbles back. The spider's arm is still attached to hers, and she can see that the spider dug its claws into her arm. She rips the arm off of her and throws it at the spider's face. The spider stumbles back. The fly yokai flies down and tries to pick Reni up, but before it can, Reni manages to chop off one of its giant eyes. Its hand instantly comes up to feel where its eye used to be, and it just barely flies out of the way as Reni tries to slice it.

At this point, Reni's arm feels like it's literally on fire; she has a cut on her cheek, and she's quite exhausted. Oh, and also add covered in other people's blood to the list.

Okayyyy, she should probably finish this up...

Reni doesn't care about the pain in her arm as she rushes up and chops off the fly's legs as it's distracted by the fact it's missing an eye. It falls to the ground and tries to get up a few times before Reni chops its head off in one clean swipe. She cringes as warm blood splatters her face. She then turns to the spider (whos missing several arms at this point), and watches as it starts to back away. 

Apparently, the spider decides that the best idea is to try and crawl out of the colosseum.

Obviously, it didn't get too far before Reni started dragging it back down by its hind legs. Reni's pretty sure the spider hissed at her, but with how fucking loud everyone was being, she couldn't be too sure. 

She successfully pulls the spider back into the area and throws it to the ground. Reni suspects that at this point, combined with the loss of several of its limbs and friends, the spider has kind of given up. Maybe it thought that even if it could beat Reni, it would be much harder to live with the few limbs it still has left, and its best friends were all brutally slaughtered so they wouldn't all be able to share the victory with each other. 

Quite pitiful if you ask her.

Reni watches as the spider yokai attempts to back away only a bit before finally just laying down. Reni feels almost....bad? About killing it. 

But she shouldn't think that way because she's not supposed to feel guilty. It will be fine. Just stop being a cry baby and kill it already-

Reni drops to the ground, still holding her axe. Which is imbedded in the spider's throat.

Holy shit.

She just realized what she did.

The crowd goes wild once the spider goes limp, but Reni can barely hear them over the ringing in her ears.

She just killed four people.

Two guards come out from doorways in the arena walls and gently lift Reni to her feet. Reni doesn't even notice when one of them lifts her broken arm. He quickly put it down again once he realized that it was in fact broken. Reni can't stop staring at the dead body in front of her until the guards start to practically drag her out of the arena.

Then she can see the other dead bodies.

The praying mantis's blood is still coming out of its neck, although now more of a trickle, with its head lying close to its limp body. The fly with his head laying almost attached to his body but with a little gap between the head and neck. The head that only has one eye. The moth with its arms held up as if it was begging for mercy. Reni tries not to stare at the organs she can clearly see from where it was chopped right in half. By her-

And finally, the spider. The longest lasting. It almost looked....happy? Maybe it was happy to be able to hang out with its friends again...

Reni stumbles into the medbay and barely notices her arm being set back in place and wrapped. 

She barely notices when she's brought back into her room.

Her knees buckle under her, and she falls to the ground. She starts crying but is still showing no emotion except for horror on her face.

She just killed someone. She killed four someone's.

Someone's who had families. What if they didn't want to be put in the Battle Nexus? What if they were kidnapped and forced to fight? What if they had families who were hoping that they would come home? What if their families watched as the Battle Nexus workers carried their dead bodies out of the arena-

She's such a fucking failure. She...why....

Her shoulders shake with sobs. 

Don't cry, you idiot! Imagine what would happen if mother saw you! You went into the Battle Nexus willingly! No, she didn't; Big Mama forced her to.

Reni needs to stop crying. 

Because she's going to be doing this a lot more.

Yes, she will get used to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prev - Next

[kachimera]

Hugghsigsjfkw why do i rb stuff that upsets me even when its rlly stupid witowgkwotkwk *dissolves into a puddle*

[thepandalion]

I'm like. The equivalent of clawing at the walls of my enclosure. Specifically because I have an au idea and I don't want to write it into a fic. Help.

[robitherat]

Genuinely think it's so funny how everyone latched onto "Jay is canonically a gay man" when it was "confirmed" thru an ask to JACKIE who didn't write for the original series and also considering it held literally less than no relevance to the series itself. Like fuck man if I wanna say Jay is a she/they faggot I'm going to it literally doesn't matter. It has no plot relevance and the series came out in 2009. I will make up as many genders for these fuckers as I want to. They're all transfemme now.

[cubedmango]

love how i could tell a waikorn moment happened in the ep before i even watched it bc that one meme i drew started getting notes again

[cherrylight]

le sighs and screams loudly into my hands

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

[koobiie]

bestowing my highest honor as an artist to ffxv (drawing the characters in fun outfits)

thoughts under the cut

RREAAAGHHHH SO EXCITED TO BE DONE WITH THIS!!!!! it took me forevarrrr but i soldiered through as an act of love. now excuse me. yap time

OKAY SO the concept behind this was originally specific fashion subcultures for everyone!l ike noct emo ignis dark academia etc. but then decided i didnt want to pigeonhole it all and just freestyled outfits i thought would look nice on everyone

noct - i do think noct would still be emo-ish but also opt for comfy baggy stuff a lot. something you could just fall asleep in on the spot. note the details of bass pro shop shirt (of course) XV necklace, little moon + stars accents, carbuncle + fish keychains. i also wanted his metal band logo shirt to spell LUCIS but i forgor some letters but its not very readable anyways

ignis - ignit ooohghh ignos ignaurs. sorry i made him serve so much cunt it will happen again. i drew him first cause that kind of inspired this whole thing i love him so bad if i didnt draw it id explode. not much detail to note except his collar pins are like his double blade thingies

luna - lunaaa the concept was “clean girl aesthetic” idk if that happened but im actually really happy with how it came out! might be my favorite of the bunch just because she looks so pretty and happy. your honor she should have been able to just be a normal girl and just. chill

prompto - prompotoooo i had trouble picking his vibe!!! my first thought was techwear?? because weeheeeehee he loves tech and well... you know... but then i realized i didnt really like the look of anything i saw + it was so bulky and dark and serious for him! ending up going with some more youthful and baggy. i was considering something more loud and colorful but ended up not going with it. i feel like in canon he'd be too nervous to have such a flashy fit and would want to just look "cool" to fit in with the boys lol. itty bitty details here - chocobo keychain, pompompurin and bi miku buttons, and his lanyard is kings knight themed! i also thought it was funny to write LUCIS on his shirt like you know those shirts that just say BROOKLYN or TOKYO or SAN FRANCISCO and thats it. thats what its like

gladio - okay i know this is going to sound like a lie but im not horny for gladio like at all, hes my least favorite, i think he's just alright. but also i KNOW in my heart of hearts that he would LOVE being a leather daddy and so i had to make it happen. main detail to note here is that his tank top has the motifs of a cup noodle! i didnt know what else to add cause you know.. hes the cup noodle guy.. but also i didnt want it to be so in your face about it with a big as logo so kept it subtle!

(side note the leather daddy gave me an idea for a post where its like noct and prom go to a gay bar all nervous but then they run into gladio and its like "p: GLADIO YOURE GAY?" "n: nevermind that PLEASE dont tell ignis we snuck out" and then ignis walks up and theyre all like WHAT THE FUCK!!!! caption would be "the gang finds out theyre all bisexual." probably wont draw it but i think its very funny lol)

iris - iris my sweetheart.... definitely leaned into the scene vibes here and also that one image of the blonde emo anime girl. details here - of course the moogle big ass backpack and keychain (can you tell i love keychains), but also her buttons are an iris (the flower) and also a crown with hearts (haha symbolism)

anyways oh god i didnt mean to write an essay down here. usually i keep this in the tags but this time i just had Too Much To Say. can you tell i put a lot of thought and love into this . anwyays. *walks off into the sunset and fuckig dies*

[krockat]

hi i was randomly reading tags late at night on videos, and i saw yours you added onto https:// www dot tumblr dot com/krockat / 726501511214022656 a while back asking for the source of the music and not sure if you ever figured it out so apologies if you did, but its part of the ost from the anime black butler, not a game! but if someone did use it in a game i hope you find it too!

ouffh..... anon........

see... in that post in those very tags you speak of.. . I.. i did promise i would give plenty praise and love to those who would help solve my mystery.....

and you did nothing wrong anon.

you are a beacon of light, a shining example of a person just randomly going out of their way to be a nice little light-shedder-on-er-er, while prev just doing some'n simple n pleasurable (as pleasurable as the mixed crockpot of reading random strangers tags Can be) for themself.

but.. lemme tell you.... this is rough news.

to have a rare glance of something so similar to this great (i mean no, the quality of said game itself might be questionable, but a great soundtrack and alternative Weirdness and nostalgia of a seemingly never discussed old playstation game relic of my memory lossy past - it is despite it all quite great a) mystery -

it was so hopeful and enticing!

and then i learned.. and then i learned.. it was actually from my number one enemy-anime Black Butler!!

you see, black butler and I have history.

apart from it being a creepy show where two adult demons thirst for a child boy (that for some further context also had an unfairly banger ost that deep inspired my youth), it was, infact, and here comes an actual Real trigger warning for the content ahead:

.

.

warning you, here it comes! the tags will have what specific triggers this is about.

.

.

a tool used in grooming me.

so, while i really am grateful for your kind message and explanation - to find that this music that was so similar to what i remember from the soundtrack of the game - was actually from that show? Oh real unfortunate. just realllll unfortunate.

lemme tell ya when i woke up to read i got a notif w the beginning premise that someone had figured out this mystery song - meaning also maybe the coveted mystery game?

even barely awake and conscious as i was, and just really there initially wanting to check what time it was, because my alarm certainly hadn't called yet and the darkness seeping from my curtained window spoke of other promises -

and when then i ofc immediately opened that shit up and was left face to face with the reality of KROCKAT ENEMY-ANIME NUMBER ONE - ?

oh i knew it was gonna be a special kind of day.

so, sorry for no earlier reply but i was put into a certain state of reflection these last couple days.

and it's been interesting, actually

which might sound a tad bit morbid to those inclined,

but well you know us Aquarius Suns(TM) Hahoo - who often find morbid and sad stuff fun and entertaining to think about and toss and turn around like an old sausage in a corporate bodega hot revolver grill. just a lil interest in that

it actually got me to get into a creatory headspace. thinking about all that shit.

so yea pretty good now, but the first hour of gripping w that? yeah. idk how or that i would or could or would want to explain perhaps why or how or in what way that little fact did affect me.

but. you've still done me a great service. and i intend to make good on that reward i did promise whoever would solve my inquiry.

thank you you kind little folk! very very nice of you to come in to my ask and give me answers! you seem like a nice type.

...

but yes a post this long and involved (?) does got to have an end, and one useful trick to end things you don't know how to end is to put music at the end of whatever it is.

now, Best ending would be to have the music of the Actual game's ost i was talking about. but i still don't know what the game is.

Worst ending is probably just that bl*ck b*tler song that baited me (yes i am now "blurring" it out as this is the end part of the post that's meant to end as a reprieve)

and not to say that would necessarily be a bad way to end the post. hells, it might be the interesting (♒🌞) way to conclude this post.

but i think i will just leave you with this.

(sorry that it is a link to spotify. and that it is a from a corporate-y compilation album. and w songs i haven't vetted. i had no choice in what release it was. do you still like me)

(here also comes a youtube link. )

[image ID:

Black and white picture of Swedish jazz singer Monica Zetterlund - on a youtube thumbnail and link to a video upload of her singing the song "Att angöra en brygga".

end image ID.]

[maplesyrupsainz]

˖⁺｡˚⋆˙private, not a secret | MV1˖⁺｡˚⋆˙

pairing: max verstappen x wife!reader y/n (she/her)

genre: social media au, established/secret relationship

warnings: very fluffy :))

summary: in which you and your husband like to keep things on the low so much so that none of his fans know about the family you have together

a/n: i luv this req tbh i lowkey luv writing kids in it's sooo cute im lowkey broody af atm too 😭 helllll

request!!!: Hi!! Could I request an smau with max where he has a secret family or something idk I just think it could be really cute !

fc: various blonde girls from pinterest

my masterlist

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1, carlossainz55, and others

yourusername my beautiful life

view all comments

maxverstappen1 my girls

yourusername 💓

carlossainz55 god i look so cool

yourusername hahahhh yeaaa

carlossainz55 ???

yourusername nothing mate😄

yourbff aww i need to come see you guys

yourusername yes please omg 😧 alice said she misses her fav aunt !

only accounts that follow yourusername may see this post

messages ->

instagram ->

maxverstappen1

liked by yourusername, danielricciardo, and 88,928 others

maxverstappen1 beach day

view all 14,283 comments

user7 omg hi y/n

user8 YES A Y/N FEATURE

user9 omg he let her out of the basement

user10 💀

danielricciardo go off

maxverstappen1 yessss!!! whatever that means

user11 lol

charles_leclerc tell y/n we want her at the next race please

maxverstappen1 she will come if the babysitter is free 👍

*comment deleted by maxverstappen1*

maxverstappen1 she said she'll think about it 🧠

user12 WHAT

user13 Urmmmmmmm did you guys see the deleted comment

user14 do max & y/n have children?

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, and others

yourusername let's ignore max's deleted comment slip up shall we

view all comments

charles_leclerc i am sorry on his behalf y/n 🙏

yourusername hahah dont worry about it charlie

oscarpiastri get him on a time out asap

liked by yourusername

yourbff aww the world deserves to know about little alice

yourusername they will soon we're keeping her childhood safe for now

maxverstappen1 you already know she's gonna come watch her dad race soon 😎

yourbff im sure she'll find that very fun max

yourusername hahah that's what i said

maxverstappen1 😒

only accounts that follow yourusername may see this post

interview ->

transcript (sorry if it's hard to read😭) ->

there is always going to be rumours ahout my relationship considering we keep things to ourselves, neither of us find it necessary to comment on them very often. *laughs* i've never heard anyone say i'm hiding y/n, no. we have always been private but never ever a secret and that's how it will remain for the most part

twitter ->

instagram ->

maxverstappen1

liked by yourusername, charles_leclerc, and 1,124,293 others

maxverstappen1 a small insight into our (family) life

tagged: yourusername

view all 27,283 comments

user21 NOOOO WAYYYYY

user22 this is so so so so precious

user23 omg i feel so honoured that this is being shared with us even tho it's only a small piece of their lives 🫶

user24 max being a girl dad JUST MAKES SENSE

liked by yourusername

yourusername i love you!!

maxverstappen1 i love you more ❤️

user25 this is so special

charles_leclerc love you guys

liked by maxverstappen1, yourusername

danielricciardo congratulations again bro you have a such a beautiful family

maxverstappen1 thank you daniel 😄

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1, oscarpiastri, and others

yourusername this account will never go public gang dont worry!! especially because im pregnant again 🤫

view all comments

oscarpiastri omg congratulations y/n

maxverstappen1 and me?

oscarpiastri oh right yea sorry max forgot, congratulations mate

danielricciardo congratulations guys 🫶

liked by yourusername, maxverstappen1

charles_leclerc so so happy for you guys

yourusername ❤️❤️❤️

yourbff 🤰 ur glowing

yourusername i heart you

maxverstappen1 you are so beautiful

yourusername stop it you im blushing

maxverstappen1 i love making you blush

yourusername i love you

maxverstappen1 i love you my girl 💗

only accounts that follow yourusername may see this post

THE END ❤️