#idk what to tag this lol i dont write posts

[flwrblue-bella]

the funny thing about my relationship with my boyfriend is that, outwardly, people would never think he's a freak. they look at us and see the most regular, unassuming, jock-looking, handsome guy in the world dating this dyed-black-hair, beetlejuice-ass-character bitch that i present myself as and logically think "ah yes, she is clearly the domesticated gremlin of that particular situation"

they would, of course, be painfully wrong, because that man is as much of a weirdo as i am. his mind palace is much more strange and disarming than anything i could come up with, and i'm half convinced he just put on an extra 60 pounds of muscles to throw people off his freak-scent

last night for example, he calmly relayed to me that sometimes when we're making out a bit more intensely, he likes to think of how we're actually just one big digestive system, connected through our mouths, which he thought was a very romantic thought.

understandably, i had to prod his brain a little, so i asked "honey. honey. why are you regularly daydreaming about us being human-centipeded together" and he asked me what the plot of the human centipede was, because, again, he likes to pretend he is a regular person and doesn't watch a lot of horror movies. i tried to explain to him what the story of the movies was about, while largely trying to emphasize how it was a little unusual that our most passionate moments of intimacy would unpromptedly conjure in his mind the same thought process as that of a psychotic german doctor who wanted to kidnap people and sew their mouths to each other assholes

and then he, with the biggest, shiniest, bluest eyes in the world, frowned at me and said "well, but they weren't in love", firmly establishing that he thinks that the main problem of the acts committed throughout the human centipede trilogy were upsetting solely due to the lack of true love between the humans who were centipeded

so yeah i'm planning to father his children

[soupmanspeaks]

the topic of Helpy makes me go insane /pos like I have this headcanon that William/Springtrap just, DESPISED Helpy because William took heaps of pride from the Funtime line of Animatronics, he saw it as his son's crude mocking of HIS creations, when in reality its just Michaelangelo S Afton trying to use humor to once again cope with the horrors™️ Like I've probably said this here before but I headcanon that Helpy found his way into the PizzaPlex's marketing is because after the FNAF6 fire he just was under the rubble remarkably preserved or something and instead of going into the RockStarRow Museum, the FazExecs had dollar signs in their eyes and were like "yeah, that one will make us bank, ong" Ive also probably said this (bad memory sozzz) but a headcanon to go in tandem with that headcanon, is that Glamfreddy sighs in resignation whenever he passes by one of those Helpy monitors (he wasn't paid royaltys <//3 ) AND LIKE I GOTTA KNOW WHAT (glam)MIKE WOULD THINK OF THE ENTITY THAT IS SATAN DISGUISING HIMSELF AS AN AGENT OF LIGHT (Helpi) WOULD HE FEEL SAD? ANGRY? AT THE MIMIC? THE COMPANY?! please the topic of helpy is so interesting PLEAs-

[whiskey-tango-matcha]

not to brag, but my therapist told me today that i did incredible during our emdr session, which means i get an A for the day in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve 🙂‍↕️😌

[liquidstar]

april fools is over so now im going to be slash srs instead of slash j. im going to post a little excerpt from one of the oc writing practices ive been doing :) again im not super experienced for a variety of reasons but im doing my best here.

but im going to try and put my self conciousness to the side (thats probably an important part of the practice too, right?) since this isnt final version either way, i can just say im sharing a WIP! so for now it will go the way of most of my other oc stuff..... under the cut

the only context you need is that this would be the opening scene for the story. if i post others i'll have to give more context bc most of them are taken from the middle of something. anyway here goes:

-----

“I love you

I've loved you since the beginning

From when you were only stardust

To when you will rejoin the stars

When everyone will be together again

Understand, you don’t simply live in the universe

You are part of it, taking on a form uniquely alive

You are the universe giving love back to itself

I love you so much”

“Wait!!!”

A lone girl jolts awake, crying a plea into the empty air. Tears stream down her cheeks, as she calls for someone she doesn't know. Her heart aches with a nameless yearning that fades with the memory of her dream. Still, against her will, the emotions linger. A profound sense of love consumes her, an agonizing, grieving love, meant for her. She sighs and wipes away her tears. It was an absurd dream, a ridiculous notion.

As her conscious mind clears, she takes in her surroundings; a forest drowned in the pale blue light of dawn. Her sleeping bag, now encased in dew, was laid on the cold grass. She sits for a while, gazing at the faint sliver of the rising sun’s glow with an indistinct expression, and eventually stands up.

The lone girl begins her daily routine by braiding her hair. With a wave of her hand, she freezes dew on a rock, creating herself a mirror. Her fingers carefully weave her brown locks into a braid, now adorned with a snowflake clip and a scarlet ribbon. She throws on a long blue half-skirt over her shorts, matching her shirt. She forces on a pair of black boots and cuffs on her arm. Lastly, she grabs a moon-themed spear, and she's ready for the day.

Before setting off, she made sure to pack all her belongings, including her numerous hand-drawn maps and a compass. However, she also stops to look into the bag deeper, foolishly expecting to find something new. Instead, she only sighs, "Still no food."

She puts on the backpack and trudges forward anyway, ignoring the hunger pains as best she can. She hums to keep herself distracted.

As she walks, the trees tower above her, shrouding the horizon and taunting her. Birds occasionally fly into view, but seem to disappear in an instant. She wonders if her eyes are playing tricks on her.

The lone girl scribbles on her maps, trying to record a labyrinth of identical tree trunks and twisted paths. This proves useless, as this elliptical forest has her going in circles. Exasperated, she fidgets with her compass, only to see the needle is frantically twitching around. She presses it gently to her forehead and quietly complains, “Don't tell me you're broken…”

Her train of thought was cut short by the sudden sound of running water, so loud she can’t fathom how she’s only now begun to hear it. She decided to put off one problem for another. Following the sound through some shrubs, she quickly finds the source.

Her spear at the ready, she approaches the stream. Scanning its depths for signs of fish, she walks cautiously. Her posture was awkward, her expression was uncertain, betraying her lack of experience. She held her spear to her chest with both arms as she encroached the water’s edge.

She inhales in preparation, removes her skirt and boots, and enters the water with slow, careful steps. The very surface of the stream begins to freeze as it makes contact with her skin. Tiny, thin crystals of ice form as she steps further in. Breathing deeper, as she tries to control the frost, she makes her way to the center of the stream. She stands waiting for fish.

Rather than throwing her spear to hunt, like the intended purpose, she stabs at the water. She’s not good at this, however, and only ends up scaring other potential prey away. She makes several attempts at this but is unsuccessful each time. Refusing to quit, her repeated strikes become more desperate and uncoordinated with each failure. Her growing frustration only makes the water freeze deeper, eventually solidifying around her legs. She yelps, now in a panic, and begins to frantically stab at the ice to free herself.

A mess.

Escaping this ordeal, the lone girl abandons any further attempt at fishing. It probably isn't her calling anyway. She trudges on, lost, wet, cold, and hungry.

She looks at her compass again, her face reflecting in its glass. “You're broken,” she tiredly states, as she feels her eyes begin to well with tears.

“No! No no no! Don't cry! Don't cry Polaris,” The lone girl, Polaris, reassures herself, “Last time you cried you froze your eyelids shut, and that really hurt,” She whines aloud.

Polaris takes a deep breath, slaps her cheeks, and swallows her tears. She elects to follow the river, her only hope of escape, pursuing the promise of a village just beyond this enigmatic forest. She daydreams of a warm meal in a cozy restaurant, and maybe a cold desert too. A glimmer of determination returns to her stride, as she continues her hum from before.

[kachimera]

Hugghsigsjfkw why do i rb stuff that upsets me even when its rlly stupid witowgkwotkwk *dissolves into a puddle*

[butchvamp]

this is a long video but it popped up on my feed and i thought it was quite interesting, (she shares some videos in the description too i want to link directly: a shorter video/tiktok summarizing the topic, and another tiktok stitched in response that digs in a little deeper) and is kinda relevant with some of the things i've been talking about with DA, though this discussion is specific to monster romance + "cozy" fantasy and how a lot of these stories use d&d or tolkien as the foundation of their worldbuilding with little thought and without understanding the harmful, racist stereotypes it perpetuates..... and of course these are just prevalent tropes across the fantasy genre as a whole, whether inspired by d&d and tolkien or otherwise (as we've seen in DA). i really like the quote from the substack article she links by Michael LaBron, i feel like it makes it very obvious how these depictions are directly connected: "In the same way that Orcs create a boogy man that justify the hero's violence, sexy Orcs create a monster that the damsel in distress doesn’t actually have to be afraid of."

the other article i shared previously really expanded the first half of that quote with the "civilization versus savages" binary that we see with a lot of fantasy races (orcs, goblins, drow, and qunari in dragon age) but i think this half of the discussion is important to have as well so i just wanted to share. here is the article by Michael LaBron:

and here is this article again too that i shared when talking about dragon age earlier, by Daniel Heath Justice:

i love fantasy, it's my favorite genre, it's what i personally write for myself, and i think learning about and discussing the flaws within the genre are an important and integral part of enjoying it, too, which is why i've been discussing it so much with veilguard, and i wanted to share more examples as this discussion has become relevant in a lot of spaces right now outside of just gaming/RPGs/TTRPGs.

[scionshtola]

not as much as i wanted but still. prog.

[thepandalion]

I'm like. The equivalent of clawing at the walls of my enclosure. Specifically because I have an au idea and I don't want to write it into a fic. Help.

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

the way i wish there could be more good faith analysis and fic about billy having adopted racial prejudice from his dad and then learning to properly recognize it and grow past it in order become a better person. i wish there was more posts and fics that tackle the bullshit lucas has had to deal with as a black kid in small town indiana because the duffers never even considered it. but the sheer puritan black and white thinking and performative activism or moral virtue signaling or whatever the fuck that is so pervasive in this fandom means that even the few posts and fics that dare to try and actually tackle racism tend turn it into either a punishment narrative, are depressingly shallow about it, make it about hating and liking the 'right characters', or miss the mark entirely

like i get it, homophobia/transphobia is easier to explore and talk about for most fans. it's complex and multi-layered just like other types of oppression, but so much of fandom is queer and dedicated to shipping and labels that yeah, i can see how talking about it is just. easier for a lot of ppl. also a lot of fandom is white. and lots of white gays get weird about discussing racism in their spaces. y'know the deal, but i digress. from what i can see, very few ppl want to explore how racism affects our favorite characters and the stories they live in. i know some ppl are probably afraid of getting it wrong, or they don't know anything about it and don't feel like they should. it's like, my blorbo is queer and so am i, so why wouldn't i talk all day about that? i get it. but it honestly just means a lot when someone tries earnestly. i have read beautiful fics about trans love through hardship by cis authors and such genuine fics about connection in the face of racism's poison by white authors.

there is just SO much untapped potential in exploring lucas and max and billy and patrick and argyle and all the other characters directly and indirectly affected by bigotry and racism within the narrative that never got the acknowledgement it deserved. plus it's super weird being used as a 'gotcha!' by white fans that hate billy (as if poc fans of billy aren't capable of seeing it for the bullshit it is) or seeing lucas' treatment in the show get brushed aside like it's nothing or how argyle gets sidelined an awful lot in the fandom (and don't even get me started on how messy the classism in this fandom can be, the borderline erasure of eddie's poverty and its effects on who he is as a person in fic is insane sometimes)

anyway. idk if any of this makes sense, but i can count like maybe 3 good fics and maybe a dozen good posts about billy that actually address this in good faith and only maybe a dozen more for every other character i mentioned. and i desperately want more. i am brown and queer and i want healing and love for all of these characters and i am going to have to start churning out more of it myself at this rate.

[robitherat]

Genuinely think it's so funny how everyone latched onto "Jay is canonically a gay man" when it was "confirmed" thru an ask to JACKIE who didn't write for the original series and also considering it held literally less than no relevance to the series itself. Like fuck man if I wanna say Jay is a she/they faggot I'm going to it literally doesn't matter. It has no plot relevance and the series came out in 2009. I will make up as many genders for these fuckers as I want to. They're all transfemme now.

[ragnars-tooth]

Medieval/fantasy au be upon ye: the gang reconvenes and discusses their next steps

Oh god, so this one requires me to get into what the hell this au is about and uhhhh I don’t… know?? Yet???

I’ve got some broad sweeps down but the details are for the most part hazy rn

(That got long fast whoopsie!!)

SO:

- The Pennykettles are the royal family, Lucy is the heir. David is not strictly related to Liz or Lucy, but he was raised in proximity to the crown and later made the equivalent to a prince in title (basically, he’s not really royalty, he can’t take the crown, and he doesn’t do anything important, but he is the court’s funny little guy and you will apologise to him rn for hurting his feelings!! He acts as a figurehead in the Pennykettles’ place for some festivals, and is generally well liked by the public despite being dumb as rocks.)

- More on David: he was raised by the monks of Avalon (pushing my Arthur & Bernard agenda on this fine evening), one of which Liz eventually married (take a wild guess).

- The royal line carries down the women, Arthur is basically arm candy. He and Liz are very queer-platonic to me. Their role is to act as ‘ambassadors’ between dragons and humankind. It’s mostly symbolic at this point, as dragons are very respected and mostly left to their own devices. Their perches are treated as holy places where offerings are left, and they don’t bother themselves with humans as long as things continue to roll smoothly.

- (To be clear, Arthur is not Lucy’s father. I may well go with canon’s egg shit because it works maddeningly well here. It is also important to me that you know Arthur is still blind. I will hold this man in my disabled arms mwah you are safe here)

- THE PENNYKETTLE DRAGONS? They’re still here baybey, but REAL ALL OF THE TIME. They’re a small species of living dragons – I haven’t worked out the exact origin story here yet, whether Liz still breathed life into them from something non-living, or if they’re just juveniles that will eventually become as big as Gawaine. We shall see, I suppose. I imagine that they act like very needy cats that attach themselves to their human and follow them about. God I wish I had a little dragon guy.

- The royal library is run by Henry Bacon (HE LIVES. FUCK YOU.) and his apprentice, Zanna Martindale. David also used to apprentice here before being adopted by the crown. It took Zanna a while to get over the boy she used to throw books at and make daisy chains for becoming effectively a prince. They are in love <3 (no Alexa yet, sorry (unless…. Hm, I will get back to you on this…) bc I see David and Zanna being Firestar ages, and Lucy being older than usual at around 16/17)

- Zanna has a vaguely middle-class upbringing (as far as the concept exists), with a doctor/dentist father and an older sister.  (Ngl. Forgot zanna had a real dentist dad and just made henry her father originally. And now to fix it I’m considering marrying them. It would be funny literally only to me. But it Would be funny. Local doctor and librarian have a weird unacknowledged little gay thing going on. Good for them <3)

- I don’t know how but Melanie Cartwright is in there somewhere and she and Lucy are dating. I am right. You will understand the kettlewright agenda by the time im through with you.  

- Lucy is in her teenage angst era but at least this time it’s just sort of silly instead of a result of horrific trauma. She’s just smothered by loving parents and thinks she could totally make it as an independent adult with no survival skills. She is wrong!

- (Lucy voice: God I hate my parents, they keep saying they love me every twelve seconds 🙄 I just want to do normal things like commit property damage and travel cross-country with nothing but a bag of cheese and scare old man Bacon. Instead all I can do is count my stacks of money and play fetch with my fire-breathing cat. This fucking blows!! They never let me do anything fun :/)

- Tam is a wannabe poet who becomes a knight. On his first day after a big promotion he promptly loses the crown’s only princess and decides that the best course of action is to fake his death and live in the forest. I can’t say I blame him.

- During Tam’s self-imposed exile he comes across is stalked by Bella (the catgirl). He finds her very annoying and is not at all her father now. He also hates cats and would never ever pet one and let it fall asleep in his lap. He is a man of principles and sticks to his finely tuned moral compass. By lying. And running away.

- Regarding Lucy’s disappearance – it was her way of getting away for a bit for fun only child shenanigans, but ultimately ends in her (crown princess, very recognisable, her face is on like. Everything.) getting kidnapped for real.

- Unbeknownst to Tam, David had also disappeared during official business, and Zanna is nowhere to be found. The crown is left in a precarious place, and it soon appears to be under real threat.

- Spoilers: Voss is about, and there is a lot he’s willing to take.

- On lighter notes: Gwilanna and the Chamberlain boys are absolutely still in this because I am so fucking predictable. Tootega come here I can treat you so much better mwah mwah. Well… maybe Gwilanna isn’t a lighter note. But she is there! This will have no consequences on anyone or anything, I’m sure! :3

PLEASE DEAR GOD ASK ME QUESTIONS IF YOU HAVE THEM. I swing violently between wanting to give every single plot detail rn and wanting to go write the actual fic so things can be revealed ✨mysteriously✨

[cubedmango]

love how i could tell a waikorn moment happened in the ep before i even watched it bc that one meme i drew started getting notes again

[monstrous-woof]

hey psst this will update on sunday and its finally gonna be getting some juicy spice! if youre still unsure about it, the first chapter is very short and sets up the story very nicely. Kudos and comments are always appreciated ❤

[meejijis]

If I had a nickle for every time I got into a severely niche canon ships that has the trope gentle girl x brooding boys with spiky hair all while being the most lonely diehard shipper ever for both of these ships, I'd have two nickels

Which isn't alot but it's weird that it happened twice

[viscerasmoothie]

its that anon- sorry for the confusion 😭 i also have audhd so i get it. its fine its not really private. my user is/was FazbearFright_Lover if that makes any difference? but yeah i hope you’re doing good

WAIT HUH

I don't even know what to say LMAO my brain is exploding

I expected someone whos username I never heard of but no it's you but in a good way wHAT

/lh for literally everything above this cus I'm insecure and irrationally afraid of upsetting people

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.