#idk what my field even is
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no places i applied to ever got back to me, so here we go again! 😔
#i hate job hunting#it doesnt help that i have no idea how to hunt for jobs in my 'field'#idk what my field even is#ive had zero contact#zero!#idk if i need to change my resume or this is bad luck or its just a bad time...#i applied for some things id be perfect for too and no response#are they just slow or do i need to change??#i fucking hate that no contact is the norm because they are too lazy to have the balls to tell people they were rejected#like it helps fucking nobody to be ghosted#opps rant but idc im annoyed as hell#txt
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Friday Nights are so uncomfortable
#fields of mistria#player character#I know hes like everyones pookie bear but i am the one hater lol#we are not friends march your vibes are too bad your tsundere too strong#i think i just have an intense aversion to gameplay where you have to be super accomodating and placating to be respected#like why would i befriend someone that says the things March does i guess is what im saying#and unlike other characters he kind of doesnt acknowledge anything you do for the town even tho thats v specifically an issue he has w you#so theres no way to have neutral ground w him to wven begin to be his friend unless youre putting in all the effort thats how these games g#so when hes judt randomly nice to you every friday night its ssuuuuuper weird and offputting to me#like no actually my character wouldnt be fine with that theyd be really confused and weirded out#anyway March Friday Nights is an imposter idk where the real march is but thats not him
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Erm!! I did more art!!!!!! My art style is so inconsistent I want to draw more realistically but I'm goofy goober at my core....... Gehahahaha
Also???? Pony Error under cut??????? (and a few error sketches!) Hidden slightly because I'm still a bit unsure about the design RAHH
I think it'd be cool if he had strings all over his body like he was some mangled stupid hasbro official pony plushie...... but the strings were like insanely last minute LMAO so I want to redo it again with that in mind.... when the pony takes me over again.
Transcript for Pony Info (because my handwriting is a bit messy)
PONY INFO!
Strings run along entire body
Used to have a cutie mark, but the file is "lost"
Horn sparks & glitches dangerously when using magic
-> Not harmful to him, but strong emotions can cause it to flare up (basically when the horn starts fuzzing a lot you know he's close to a full-on reboot)
Whatever the hell this thing is core -> (pic of very stupid looking Hasbro official Princess Twilight Sparkle plushie with brushable hair!!!! Batteries not included)
↓ WARNING!!! STUPID IDIOT BELOW!!!!!!! 🆘🆘🆘🆘🆘⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 ↓
#utmv#swapdream#swad sans#swapdream dream#swan sans#swapdream nightmare#error sans#gamers err.... they're really stupid!!!#I hate them so much!!!! (LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE i love them actually with all my being)#I have no idea what I'm doing I'm not used to tumblr editor#I want to make my page look cooler..... maybe 2010s theme..... can i do that perhaps?#Stupid idiots!!!! Sorry my demons#I should probably make an intro post too but idk what to say.... other than “helo i like erm. Undertale! I like..... pretty much only UTMV!#This is mostly a lie I like other things but I'm only going to be posting UTMV mainly#Sigh getting off track anyways!!!!! Idiots!!! I hate them!#Swad he's so prim and proper and completely obnoxious#I feel like with him being completely manic 24/7 he wouldn't take care of himself very well#Like if it weren't for the self healing thing he would look absolutely terrible. Rotting teeth cracked bones etc etc and he would not care#He would still prance around in fields of daisies tho he is literally too hyped up#I feel like he would chase Swan like until his body physically could take no more#One sec he's approaching at full speed and the next he shuts down completely & collapses just because his body literally ran out of juice#Error is striving for that hobocore aesthetic he will not change his clothes ever he constantly repairs the same ones#I also feel like Error would be like. insanely stinky (PEE-YEW!)#Water doesn't interact well with his body so he avoids it best he can#he can only take sponge baths for hygiene and even that is like insanely prickly for him.... Feels like pins and needles sizzling on his bo#Sighs that's it for me gamers!!!!!! Ramble in the tags over#Swad OUTTT!!!! *bursts through ceiling leaving swad shaped hole in your roof*
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oh yeah also drew this today. someone else is going to draw some characters on it... and hell i mean. i got nothing better to do with it, so anyone else who wants to draw on it can also do that LOL
#background#apple trees#river#house#idk what tags to even put on this#artist on tumblr#??#i dont fucking know lmfao#fields of valhalla#technically this is timbervale from fov.#anyway. someone draw miku or like idk starscream or smth on this or something i think itd be funny#AUGH I FORGOT THE ALT TEXT AGAIN#ok fixed#oh btw its all on like. different sets of layers. its straight up regioned out. if you want to draw on it lmk if you want that version#so you can not have to play stupid games with my lineart
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FAMILY TITLES AMONG THE HILL TRIBES
(ft. various linguistic notes and tangents)
In-universe Brakul’s self-given title of ‘Red-Dog’ is Brakul 'ne-Dainh' in his native language (Bict-Urbinnas dialect of the Highland language group) and Brakul 'Chin-Reyla' in Wardi. Ne-Dainh/Chin-Reyla is not something he treats as or considers an actual surname or identity, just a self-styled nickname. He already has a title.
Family names/surnames are not a native practice among the Hill Tribes (though some clans or individual families have adopted this practice), and all traditionally use titles that designate immediate ancestry, clan and tribe. These full titles are officially given when one comes of age and are spoken aloud in ceremony (with the entire direct male and female lines listed by name, with most traditions expecting 12 generations of each being named).
The function is to cement one’s sense of place in the world, and their place in a direct ancestral line, which puts the person under the full watch and guidance of their ancestors. It's also a critical method of recording lineage- the long held practice of each person memorizing at least 24 total direct ancestors allows for very long, largely accurate records of family history to be kept, with some people able to trace their ancestry all the way back to initial settlement of the Highlands (or even beyond).
Brakul’s full title is:
“Brakul virsum Kuligan et Borunil an Briyonis ne-Taig an Bict-Urbinnas”
Which dead literally translates to “Brakul son of Kuligan and Borunil of the Foothills (of) Red-Cattle, of the North (Urbin/Erubin) River Valley” but has a much richer meaning in the original language.
"BRAKUL VIRSUM KULIGAN ET BORUNIL"
The actual meaning here is closer to ‘Brakul, son of Kuligan and his father’s fathers, and Borunil and her mother’s mothers���.
“Virsum” means ‘child (son/daughter) of’ (the gender is contextual), but implies the person’s status as a descendant of a full male and female line of ancestors. A different word is used if you’re just saying ‘I’m so and so’s son”. The title describes him as a son of his father Kuligan and of Kuligan’s male line, and of his mother Borunil and Borunil's female line.
All ancestors (within this particular system of kinship, divided into one direct male line from the father and one direct female line from the mother, and not including husbands from the female line or wives from the male line) are invoked and credited with the word ‘virsum’. Speaking it as part of the personal title is part of the routine and necessary honoring of one’s ancestors, who watch over their descendants from the afterlife and can temporarily return to the land to guide and protect (and sometimes punish, or teach sharp lessons to) the living.
"AN BRIYONIS NE-TAIG"
The actual meaning here would be understood as ‘clan/people of the foothills where cattle are lit red by the setting sun'.
‘Briyonis’ is the word for ‘foothill’, citing his clan’s specific location being the foothills that form the slopes of the north Urbin river valley. He is of a lesser clan within the powerful North Urbin River tribe. His clan benefits from close affiliation to their more powerful ruling clans located directly in the river valley, which grants them access to a greater variety of cultivated foods, but their actual position in the foothills still renders them predominantly reliant on cattle for subsistence. Clan names referencing cattle or horses are very common, given their frequent centrality to life.
The ‘ne-Taig’ literally means ‘red cattle’, but the ‘ne’ color word for red specifically invokes shades of red seen in and cast by a rising/setting sun. This red cast is culturally regarded as a unique beauty and evocative (and part of the name) of the solar god Hraighne. The foothills his clan is physically located on are a vantage point from which the western horizon is not fully obscured by mountains, and they experience very striking sunsets and are directly touched by the light. This is fairly unique to this location, and is invoked in the clan name and identity. ‘Ne-Taig’ here suggests a visual of grazing cattle illuminated red by the sun as it crosses the horizon.
‘Ne-Dainh’ carries the same implication, a dog illuminated red by setting sunlight. The Wardi language does not have a comparable word for a sunlit red and ‘Chin-Reyla’ really does just mean ‘(orangeish) red dog’ (‘reyla’ is specific to orangey-red colors, which is the closest match he could get. There’s no way to impart the meaning of ‘sunlit-red dog’ in Wardi that is non-clunky enough to be appropriate for a name).
"AN BICT-URBINNAS"
‘an Bict-Urbinnas’ is fairly simple, Bict means ‘north’, and 'Urbin' is the name of the specific river that stems from a northern and eastern tributary. This river has a very ancient name (or a derivative of one) that predates settlement by the Hill Tribes, and its exact meaning is lost.
The root -(n)nas designates a river valley, but has strong implications of being an esteemed and bountiful place, rather than solely a literal geographical descriptor (as the river valleys are centers of power and trade in the highlands). It may be a loanword from the Wardi language family, as its usage is VERY similar in form and function to the Wardi -(n)nos, which also suggests a place of esteem and bounty (more specifically having connotations of a kingdom).
’An’ literally means ‘of’, but in the specific sense of describing the place and identity of a collection of people. ‘an Bict Urbinnas’ would be understood in speech as ‘of the north Urbin River Valley (people)’. The clans historically settled in and around the valley of the North Urbin River form the totality of the Bict-Urbinnas tribe.
The ‘Urbin’ word predates the contemporary Wardi name ‘Erubin’ for the river, the latter of which invokes the semi-mythological founding figure Erub, who himself was of a Wardi tribe located downriver to the south of the Highlands. The real historically extant ‘Erub’ was most likely named Urub after the river, with his cited name shifting over the centuries in folklore, and the Wardi name for the river shifting with it.
‘Erubin’ as a corruption of ‘Urbin’ functions very well in Wardi language due to ‘-bi/bin’ denoting something as a ‘gift’, usually in a more metaphorical sense. ‘Erubin’ is understood as meaning ‘(The river that is) Erub’s gift’, and the Erubin/Urbin river is a key tributary to the much larger Black river, one of the key rivers that feeds the region's wetter and more fertile west. This 'gift' meaning also occurs in the name of the southeastern Imperial Wardi city-state Erubinnos, which is understood as meaning ’((The kingdom that is) Erub’s gift’. He is considered to have conquered and taken the land (from the core city's actual founders, the Wogan people) and established a kingdom there in the early days of warring Wardi tribal monarchies.
#Just dropping this randomly because it's a pretty complete lore dump in my notes app#Family names are a big fucking deal in the Wardi cultural sphere and not having one is associated with being a bastard or otherwise#displaced or unwanted. If pressed Brakul either fully lies and says 'ne-Dainh' (which will just come off as 'oh it's some foreign name')#Or lists his actual title (not a family name but equally important). Sometimes listing all 24 generations if he's particularly annoyed.#It's only strictly necessary to memorize 12 ancestors in each line but it's considered good practice to be able#to cite associated non-direct ancestor husbands/wives/siblings/etc. That's where the tattoos as a mnemonic device comes in#It's easy to memorize 24 ancestors but very difficult to memorize 24 ancestors and at least some of their family members#And remembering and honoring the dead by name is of great importance- both puts you under the protection of more#ancestors (including non-direct ones) and ensures the dead's status in the afterlife is secure (it's believed that fully forgotten#dead leave the celestial fields and can no longer directly intercede with the living- though with some additional nuances to what#constitutes being fully forgotten)#Venerating and remembering the dead is a huge focus of cultural practice and additional methods are used to safeguard#ancestors (and other honored dead without descendants) whose names have been forgotten. There's one yearly holiday focused entirely on#the nameless dead where they are invoked and honored via little straw dolls that are burnt in bonfires high in the mountains so the#smoke is sent up to the Fields. It takes weeks of preparation and tens (maybe hundreds idk I'm bad with scale) of thousands of#dolls will be made each year across the Highlands for this purpose. Honoring them with effigy even without name is usually#considered enough to safeguard their afterlife for at least another year.#Also yeah kinship systems among the Hill Tribes (and very similarly among the Finns) follow a male line/female line system#Only father's father's fathers (...) and mother's mother's mothers (...) are considered direct ancestors (though all four grandparents#are sometimes honored as ancestors even if only two are considered DIRECT ancestral kin- this tradition varies)#Inheritance systems are somewhat matrilineal given that a wife is considered the owner and arbiter of property and a husband is#its protector and active manager. If a man and woman from different clans (or tribes) marry any children will be considered to be of#the clan/tribe of whichever spouse does NOT relocate in marriage.#Whether the husband moves in with the wife or the wife moves in with the husband is dependent on an arbitration process#and the husband (and his family) being able to provide a bride price (which is somewhat of a payment for the land/property#the wife's mother will be passing down to the new husband's management should he move in- and displays his ability to care#for and provide valued assets. A man who can provide a bride price tends to receive greater respect)#This is most commonly going to be livestock (and almost ubiquitously includes a single cattle to be butchered for the wedding feast)#But can include other valuables or assets like land or grain/seeds or etc. There is no intra-Highlands monetary system and the internal#economy is built on trade. So Imperial Wardi currency is mostly useless but is sometimes given in marriages between clans with strong
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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You fool. You absolute buffoon
You thought I'd fall for the same trick twice. That I wouldn't expect you to threaten my garden with your petty tricks once more and I wouldn't be ready. That I don't have the power of silliness and drawing inaccurate cartoon physics at my disposal. That I don't have the access to 4 clowns ready to do idiotic stuff 24/7
You absolute imbecile. You are not ready for the circus I hail from
Anyway bonus ^^
#what the hell is this blog even about at this point man#what am i doing#using all my potential for bomb asks#is this what my future will look like#i have to make it a tag now i cant believe this#askbox flower field saga#anyway is this accurate physically? absolutely not. do i care? also not#more sketchy bc i am NOT drawing this as a serious comic#also the insults are /silly and /nsrs absolutely so dont take them the wrong way ^^#also this is the “ITS HAPPENED” thing. i was WAITING for another bomb and i KNEW it would come#asks#vance 🥞 tag#kerizart#prsk#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#idk how to glue on png explosion gifs onto an inage. sorry
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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what do you think wouldve happened in an alternate universe where hector let karlach become a mind flayer?
(A/N after writing this whole answer: whoops, this got out of hand, hope you're okay with an Unexpected Fic. XD Also maybe a smidge weird/dark at the end, although not a ton I hope? Certainly no more than the whole game is weird/dark. XD Anyway I hope you enjoy. <3 )
Ohhhhhhhhh.
Anon, I love you for asking me this question. <3 A very intriguing one!
And it is because I love you for asking me this question that I have braved looking up a video of Karlach actually becoming a mind flayer, which I had put off doing because I am a softheart and I knew it would hurt and also make Hector yell in my head. XD And when Hector yells in my head it's a whole thing because he does double Flurry of Blows against the inside of my skull for 140damage and it's rough enough in there already.
However! I have now watched it and done some thinks. (Hot damn, Lae'zel is MAD too, at least in the version of the scene I watched. The whole thing is very upsetting.)
Fundamentally it would be a tragedy, and not just for Karlach. Watching the way the scenes play out - there is just enough of Karlach in her speech that Hector would not want to disconnect from her. I think perhaps it touches on the same hope that kept him expecting a miracle for her heart right up until the end of the game - somehow, somehow we can make this work, somehow we will find a way...
But there is no way. This is who she is now, a creature of the Astral Sea with his love's voice and an empty place where her soul should be. And unlike the engine situation he can't even kiss her to make himself feel better because she looks like a squid.
-----
The one saving grace is, I suppose, she does seem happy enough. In the epilogue, she states that she has found a way to get brains to eat by consuming from terminally ill patients at a clinic in Baldur's Gate, people who have volunteered for the process because they are about to die anyway. And she talks about helping all of them live on by absorbing their memories and carrying them with her.
It's... sweet, in a way, Hector supposes.
He tries to keep busy. There's no battle in Avernus to occupy him in this timeline, so he primarily works with Jaheira and her kids on rebuilding. It's hard, physical work; it keeps his mind occupied. At first he sleeps at the Elfsong; later, after some nudging from Rion, Jaheira offers him lodging at her home, where he takes a hand in raising the latest crop of orphan children she is protecting. He sees Baldur's Gate start to bandage its wounds and begins to believe there was some purpose to all his struggle.
But his own wounds do not heal so easily.
He visits the clinic often. He and Karlach talk. Her voice is a slow near-monotone in her accent, unlike anything he ever heard from her before. Sometimes he can hear a twinge of her humor or a turn or phrase, and his heart leaps... but other times she speaks of things like destiny and infinite time in a way that reminds him more of the Emperor than the woman he loves.
She never laughs. She doesn't curse. There is never even the slightest mention of sex; though she still fully understands a double entendre when he makes one experimentally, she seems to take no interest in it. She seems to exist slightly beyond him, with a view of the world that is no longer of the Material Plane.
And yet... she does know him. She remembers everything - stories he told her of his childhood in the monastery, details of Selunite rituals she learned from him, quiet moments in camp he half-forgot himself. She still calls him Soldier, and sometimes Hec. She remembers her own parents; she remembers the city. There is just enough of her still in there... just enough for it to squeeze his heart.
----
One day she walks (well, floats) with him to the Singing Lute; she sits with him while he eats. They talk about the rebuilding; he points out from the balcony some of the new homes he has worked on. She is quiet for a long time. "It is good to see the place begin to live again," she says, in that strange cool slow voice that has replaced the old jocular drawl. "It's what it was all for."
He nods. "Do you regret it? Any of it?" Do you remember what we had? What we've lost?
"How could I, Soldier? The city still lives. You still live." A long pause. The old Karlach might have laughed sardonically, but there is no humor. "Even I still live, and I have grown beyond myself. What is there to regret?"
It sits like a rock in his stomach. If she is content, what more can he ask for? And yet it hurts... it hurts...
-----
Jaheira notices that he begins to withdraw back into himself, that he is quieter and more serious. She mentions it to Gale, on one of his visits to the city from Waterdeep.
"You're not wrong there," Gale agrees. "You weren't around yet, when we knew him fresh off the nautiloid. He was much more careful, then. Very controlled. The very picture of monastic stoicism - in between the panicked realization that we were all undergoing a supreme nightmare that never ended, of course. He lightened up, over the months - certainly by the time you knew him."
Jaheira purses her lips. "And this... he is returning to his old ways, you believe?"
"I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume," Gale says, with a sort of bleak humor, "that Karlach is no longer providing the same amount of compensatory levity that she used to."
-----
In the end, almost two years later, Lae'zel is the only one who speaks to him of it directly, and she is brutal - but effective.
"You have been hollowed out, she'lak," she says bluntly, on one of her rare visits from the Astral Plane. "It is a lessening of you. Do you still trail after your ghaik as if bound to her by a lead?"
"I have done much in the city since you left," Hector says, somewhat defensively.
"Chk. I do not speak of your body's business, k'chakhi. I speak of your mind. Your heart. You have lost yourself. You live only for others."
"As I was raised to do. As I have always done."
"Hector." She rarely speaks his name directly, but she does now, and it makes him jump. "You know of what I speak, and I will not have you ignore it. Your work in the city is admirable. You have cause for pride and contentment. Yet you pine after Karlach as if you hope to find her in the shell wearing her voice."
"She's still in there, Lae'zel."
"You mislead yourself," she spits. "Was it not you who taught me the strength to look beyond mindless devotion?"
That stings, and unconsciously he stands up a little straighter. "This is not mindless. It has been earned," he objects.
"Tas'ki. She is ghaik," Lae'zel says flatly. "What remains of her will dwindle, day by day. You know this as well as I." A pause. Then her eyes soften, and her voice with it. "You do not honor her sacrifice by this emptiness, Hector. Nor do you honor yourself."
He says nothing. His lips draw into a tight line. He hears her, and he does not want to.
"Think on what I tell you," she says - for all the world, now, as if she is the wise mentor and he the student in need of guidance. "You are no fool. You know I speak truth. Do not discount it."
-----
It takes a long time, but he does eventually start to come back to himself. Ten years. Twenty years. He grows old, though he loses none of his strength, his training too ingrained to allow him to weaken with age. The city reforms, stronger than ever, and he slowly begins to learn what life is, outside of both monastery and war.
He teaches self-defense to the children Jaheira rescues and others in the Lower City. He learns to (very badly) play a lute at Alfira's school. He tries his hand as a woodworker after so much carpentry work in the rebuilding of the Gate; one day, with some pride, he gifts Halsin a raggedly carved owl in return for the duck. He travels with Shadowheart several times to the House of the Moon in Waterdeep, reaffirming his faith in the light that has guided him through so much darkness.
And he reads voraciously. Everything he can get his hands on, from every library in the city. There is far more knowledge in the world, he comes to learn, than the particular cache with which he grew up.
He visits Karlach less, over time. And Lae'zel was right - there is less and less left of her each time he sees her. She is drifting away from him. And slowly he comes to terms with that - that what they had was a wonderful thing and a fleeting thing that will never come back to him. He learns to live for them both, for the life she would have had with him, had there been time.
He does not love again, though. He lived his whole life devoid of romance before he knew her, and he has little interest in trying to find it again in the years that remain to him.
For the most part, he moves on, and eventually finds himself relatively happy. But there is one last concession to sentimentality and to everything he has lost.
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On one bright, cold afternoon in mid-autumn, many years after the Netherbrain has faded into a bleak memory, he goes to the clinic. She is there, much as she always is; she has not seemed to age much in all these years, though the tentacles are slightly longer, a bit more nuanced in their movement.
He, though, is old; the grey dappling in his hair and beard has faded to white. His body acts as strong as ever, but time is implacable; he knows, as she once did, that he has very little left. It is a strange thing - a weakness of spirit rather than flesh, old age's deeper destruction that even the most disciplined monk cannot stave off forever. He is not dying, but he would be dead soon, likely within a few tendays.
"Hector," she says, flat and cool and almost unrecognizable, and inclines her head at him slightly. "You have settled everything?"
"Everything," he says quietly.
"You are still certain it is time?"
"Yes."
"Then we will begin." She gestures him to a secluded corner of the clinic, with a comfortable chair set up for the purpose. He settles himself there and looks up at the clinic's cracked stone ceiling and waits.
"It has been a good life," he comments, as much to himself as to her, as he waits for her to approach. "Lae'zel was right, that I had to move on. I have done much, seen much. I am proud of what we achieved - all of us."
There's a long, expectant silence. Then he leans his head back, closes his eyes. "I never stopped loving you, you know," he adds softly.
"I know," she answers, and her jaws sink into his skull.
#hector carlisle#long post#drabble#au: illithid karlach#WELLP I MADE MYSELF SAD AND NEED TO GO REREAD MY POSTS ABOUT THEM SNUGGLING ABOUT 50 TIMES#this answer got very out of hand and rambly and self-indulgent :P#although maybe that's what you were hoping for idk XD#i've mentioned before that hector did not come out of the monastery well-equipped to handle tragedy in a productive way#so this is not a timeline that is ultimately a good one for him i think#even though it ends on a generally positive upturn#i hope the ending is not too out of left field XD but it wouldn't be an illithid ending without just a smidge of KindaFucked Up Shit i thin
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The urge to consume knowledge for fun because you dont know what to do in life is so fucking real
#personal#idk what i want to do for a career#life all went a bit too fast#and now im in college for video game design#but i dont think i want to do thatvas a career maybe#idk#maybe i will when i get my degree#its a pretty easy degree to get it seems#and i can maybe get some prerequisites out of the way and then start studying a different field#i’ve always wanted to try and sit in on a palentology or geology class#next semester im taking film even#when i start things they come so easy but as soon as i run into any difficulty my motivation explodes#i genuinely dont know what im doing with any of my life#im teaching myself japanese and thats going kinda okay
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Ok this might be me reading too much into it because I've been too deep into the weeds of difficulty discourse but does anyone find any variation of "Easy mode is for people who just want to enjoy the story" in menus to be very passive aggressive?
#like. idk man just because I have god mode on in Hades doesn't mean I don't want to experience the gameplay#it just means I'm stupid and too many enemies on the field become visual noise and I can't even keep track of what's killing me much less#react to it if it's taking out large chunks of my health
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I'm trying to pick a major that I would be the most interested in just because it would make my life so much easier and right now I have like three ideas and they all have a million problems
#like bioengineering. that sounds great right#id make good money with even just a bachelors degree#but i dont want to be stuck with that my whole life. that doesnt sound fun to me and engineering is supposed to be a miserable major#AND MINOR#and its a relatively new field so not a lot of places near me have it. and the places that DO have it are crazy expensive#i want to get a degree in linguistics because thats something that sounds fun to me. i would enjoy that#im good with english and language#but what can i really do with a linguistics degree? and im not good at learning other languages so i couldnt be an interpreter as much as i#would enjoy it#i kind of want to go for theatre tech stuff but. idk there arent really any buts but is that really realistic for me? i stopped doing tech#in freshman year because people were kind of mean. im a quitter and theyre not going to like that and i havent done anything related#in so long so really what are the chances i get accepted for that#how much do techs make anyways? i guess it doesnt have to be THEATRE tech i could do tech for anything#i know people who tech for bands make pretty good money and they have fun#i lied theres four#i could do geology something but thats broad and also the best school for it in the state is UF.#im NOT going to UF. i would rather die. its a personal grudge. also they suck and barely accept anybody even though the school SUCKS AND IT#SO EXPENSIVE FOR NO REASON#i wanted to do marine bio two years ago but theres soooo many problems with that. including ticks#I HATE TICKS#“but joel. isnt it MARINE science? there arent ticks in the ocean” YOURE WRONG. TICKS ARE EVERYWHERE. also marine bio has a lot to do with#marshes and there ARE ticks in marshes. and maritime hammocks where id be spending a lot of time. you would not believe the amount of ticks#ive gotten from my marine bio and environmental management classes. its so many. so many ticks
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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i’ve said it once, i’ve said it twice, i’ll say it a million times — writing willow and eddie will always feel like coming home to me. i know eddie x oc isn’t popular but- god, these idiots are so near and dear to my heart.
#i had to reread chapter 21 of shire for the scene i’m writing and i just#they were just babies#their early interactions will always get to me#eddie making jokes about sacrificing people in the woods?? subtly trying to remind willow of his reputation??#willow not even so much as flinching and going on to show just how comfortable she had grown so quickly with him????#the way she trusted him so ardently???#the way he always saw bravery in her and had unwavering faith in her??#god#sometimes when i reread it i can’t fathom that *I* wrote this shit#the metaphor of her running right into the water being her running right into the relationship with eddie???#IDK WHO WROTE THIS BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDNT HAVE BEEN ME WHAT THE FUCK#ITD BE AN HONOR MISS JENKINS WHAT THE FUCK#THEIR ALMOST KISS WAAAHHH#‘don’t die on me’ hehehehe#aw no it’d be a shame if he ever had to say that in a serious context#psh no it wasn’t foreshadowing on my part ever who would do that#a monster that’s who#wow those of you that read my tags are gonna have a fuckin field day my bad#mordor#hailey shut up#hailey talks too much
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3 color combos from 8 colors
(color test)
#I was thinking I need to do more subtle and complex colors#I love doing charts like this. I just like colors#it’s funny how when people ask me what kind of art I like I say ‘color field’ but do I ever do any colorfield art? no#idk what would even make for a good color field piece#and all my colored pencil drawings are kind of small. not much of a field#but idk I should try#I just like big flat areas of color and non-representational art#rgb + cym + orange and purple#color tests#these are my on-the-go pencils#colored pencils#my art#I like the contrast of a ‘complex’ or subdued color with a bright pure color#but I think everyone likes this contrast#colored pencils are so nice for layering colors
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