#im teaching myself japanese and thats going kinda okay

[biohazard-inevitable]

The urge to consume knowledge for fun because you dont know what to do in life is so fucking real

[zhuhongs]

OKAY SO i woke up kinda sick and took medicine but the medicine made me worse but i still went to class when i rlly didnt need to bc only 6 ppl went and we just got extra credit, played a card game, and left early. in the middle of said class i learned its 100 percent not an option to study abroad in spring bc the japanese government its issuing visas. which i knew would probably happen and its a good thing financially for me to not go but im ofc still bummed. so now i must stick out the whole year teaching and i decided on a new approach and it will help but ofc it wont fix everything and its on me to make sure i implement it well. but thats the thing. i took this job hoping itd make me a more consistent, structured, and more.. firm person. i thought itd fix me. but no, i put myself in a job that'd force me to fix myself. it was always on me to do this. no one can do it for me. and now im getting to the hard part of acquiring those skills thru trial and error and its messy. and i ofc am young and can quit and learn this later but ik me. and if i do quit, i will just delay this change for indefinitely which will make it harder to pick up in the future. so now i must persevere and get thru it. no matter how painful bc it will help me in the end. but god is it painful and messy and embarrassing and not fair to my students but i need to do it at some point and now is as good as ever. so yea. and i legit. did the same thing my first year at retail. i was bad... extremely BAD at my job and it was embarrassing and frustrating . bc that was. retail... and im sooo used to doing things right the first time now bc most things i do now, are things ive been doing forever. or they are related to skills i already have had since i was young. so i dont remember what it was like to learn it. so now, pursuing smth completely different is scary and hard and i shut down bc im sooo used to being "naturally" good at stuff and i need to humble myself and work hard and fall and cry. and i dont like that. but if i dont do it now, then ill have to do it when im even older and that will make it worse so im just. sitting here, knowing i cant run away and i need to change. and i want to take the easy way out but there's no easy way out anymore. and this is what it means to be an adult.

and thats okay. I'll wake up bright and early on monday morning, put on my cap, tighten my hair in braids, and wear my uniform well. and i will be brave and i will do what i need to do. i will make sure i get done what i need to get done. and i will be better off for it

[amphii-writes]

how Shiratorizawa and i would interact head cannons

Hey! this is just how I think I would interact with the team because I know myself better than I know you, the reader! so i’m sorry if these are a bit boring :,)

warning: swearing

God i cant even start on how fucking wild this would be

I feel like for some reason Ushijima would just kinda grab me one day and ask me to be a manager

Id be like uH SURE BIG SCARY MAN because,, like hes fucking tall look at him i dont wanna piss bear man off

So id be chilling and he’d just wait for me outside of my last class like mfker did RESEARCH ON ME

He’d just be like “we must go to the gym now” and id just be fucking QUAKING

AND THEN I SEE ANOTHER TALL SCARY MAN BUT THIS TIME ITS FUCKIN TENDOU

Id be shitting in my pants like,,, dude fuck this, like id be “thinking of all my routes of escape and not notice tendou trying to talk to me” fuck this

My dumbass would be snapped out of my fucking daydream by ushijima calling me rude and id just EVAPORATE

Soul?: gone. Dead?: as hell. Cheeks?: clapped

I feel like tendou would get the idea and try to calm me down and ushijima would stand there like ???

We’d get there and id be met with goshiki- a tall mama’s boy and just feel relieved

God id be so happy to see someone not absolutely fucking scary

Id meet the team and be as nice as possible, i feel like tendou would call me miracle-chan or something cause “it's a miracle you accepted the position from Ushiwaka”

Bro semi is the resident pretty boy of the team so i wouldn't be able to talk to him for at least a week tbh

Pretty boys scare me,, i much prefer sweaty gamer boys who give off “i-drink-bathwater” vibes

lMAo SEMI WOULD BE SO CONFUSED AND SHIT

Bro id see shirabu’s bangs and,,, fuckin try so hard not to laugh like hun your bangs look like a 3rd grade art project

Mfker said \ aND HIS BARBER JUST LET HIM?? LIKE HUH

Dude id look to goshiki like “dude please god say a joke i need to laugh” and shirabu would say some bullshit and his hair would sway or some shit and id combust

Tendou would 100% find that fucking COMEDY GOLD

Shirabu would think i laughed at his sny remark / roast and not his hair so poggers 

Then they’d invite me to the group chat called “we the SHIT-ratorizawa” (named by tendou)

God ushijima would be like “now that you are our manager i should explain things to you as the captain” and shit

Homeboy,,, i love him a lot but he speaks like a fuCKING PRINTER

I would for sure try to avoid him explaining things to me just because he doesn't seem like,,, he's the best at it

Like he can explain volleyball to me but nothing else

Another thing is that i would totally make bets with tendou and lose most of them because i don't know a lot about volleyball so he’d word things to confuse me and suddenly i have to show up to practice in a cute eagle based outfit cause school spirit or something like that. Like i'd be wearing cute wings and a cute lil lolita dress and poor goshiki would just combust on sight

Tendou would laugh his ass off and ushijima would be like “that is not appropriate clothing for a manager” and i'd explain to him about the bet and then he’d be like “oh, well you look darling. Tendou did a good job” aND JUST LEAVE AFTER DROPPING THAT FUCKIN BOMB ON ME

Goshiki would compliment the outfit so much and be such a gentleman about it and i love that so much

Tendou would feel like hes walking on the fucking clouds, man is for sure a pervert and i know it so he’d be making lewd jokes but he’d make sure im not uncomfortable, which poggers to at least asking me if im okay with that

Shirabu would walk into the gym, see me, and then walk out of the gym no cap

Homie couldn't handle 5’2 manager in a lolita dress with wings

As goshiki said i “Look like an angel” and shirabu is just such a sinner he couldn't handle seeing such a holy being (sarcastically)

So anyways practice went awesomely and i leave

Tendou offers to walk me home cause i'm in an outfit that “men might find appealing” in his words

Lmao one dude would try to talk to me and tendou would just fucking glare and boom problem gone instantly

Tendou is 100% great bodyguard material you can't fight me on something that's 100% correct

Later on the team asks me to wear it to one of their games and not practice cause they find it very cute

I do because i lost a game rock paper scissors against shirabu

Oikawa for sure would notice the fucking chick with wings and get even more pissed. Rip for me and my team

Shiratorizawa won of course, causing oikawa to look absolutely dead on the inside

Ya know Ushijima would be ushijima after the game, like oh cool we won and tendou would be fuckin BALLIN

Tendou would taunt aoba johsai with the dice roll walk and that scares me

I CAN IMAGINE HIM SAYING IN ROUND “hey shawty~” AND DICE ROLLING TO OIKAWA AND JUST FUCKIN WITH EM

Bro id hear baki baki for the first time and just be like ⍢?

ID BE SO SHOOK LIKE WHAT THE FUCK TENDOU THATS NOT COOL

But then again baki baki also kinda slaps so i might hum it from the sidelines

The whole team would celebrate after the game and get food or something

I  would take advantage of the fact that the coaches are using the schools credit card and just get the nicest shit

Tendou also would pull that shit with me lmao

I feel like tendou would bring up the fact that i'm clearly not japanese and ask me if i'm a exchange student

He’d ask me if i knew french or another language and ask me if i could teach him some, Deadass a sweetie about it

Ushijima would ask me about american sports and if volleyball is big in america, would be sad to find out it isn't

Man would fucking hate football so much like im- mfker built like a linebacker too

Thank you for reading! have a good day/evening/night!

[homorashi]

Day 6: Not allowed to go

Yuri on Ice | ViktorXYuuri | not in the hot springs...

Viktor isn’t sure what to do. Having come to japan on a whim after seeing Yuuri’s video online he has found himself sitting in a hot springs, in japan with the young Japanese skater, but to make things worse he has to pee. 

When arriving at the hot-springs he could only make out a few of the sentence Yuuri’s mom gave him, but the one thing he did make out, was that going to the toilet was not allowed inside the natural hot springs. He thought of course, nobody wants to bathe in other peoples pee, why is this such a big deal to in force, people must have common decency not to pee in the water. He thought that until he had been sitting in the warm hot water for about twenty minutes, realizing even thought he went before he got in, the warmness surrounding his body, is making him feel oddly desperate, and to make things worse, right when he decided to get out, to go relieve himself in the toiler, Yuuri joined him for a soak. 

Viktor knows it will look bad if he gets out now and leaves, and then comes back a few moments later. Yuuri will know that he just peed and even for someone like him, thats embarrassing.  He though about getting out and just leaving, going back to his room but the nice warm water feels good on his aching muscles from the fourteen hours flight he endured earlier today. 

“Viktor, my mom says she is making dinner for you, so after your bath please feel free to come to the kitchen.” Yuuri smiles from ear to ear, starting at Viktor his favorite person in front of him, Viktor can only think about how disappointed Yuuri would be if he knew his biggest idol just lost a three or so second squirt of piss into the water he is sitting in. 

“You will have to teach me how to say thank you in Japanese Yuuri so I can properly thank you mother for allowing me to stay here and coach you.” Viktor says trying to sound calm, like someone who is in a hot springs should.

“I could teach you some basic sayings right now?” Yuuri smiles

“Thats okay love, Im too jet-legged to remember anything you try to teach me right now.” Viktor grits his teeth, he knows thats not true, he cant focus because it’s taking everything in his power not to soil the hot springs. 

Viktor sits a listens as Yuuri chats about skating and Japan and Hatsesu and all the things he wants to show Viktor, his face and cheeks becoming more and more flushed as the young Japanese man sits in the hot water. 

“Viktor, you look a little pale, have you been in the hot springs for too long?” Yuuri pauses his current story about his love of poodle when he notices Viktor’s stiff and ridged demeanor. 

“Im fine Yuuri, Im just tired.” Viktor tries to play it off, but in reality, his hands have hidden below the water surface and he is holding onto his naked crotch for dear life, he is determined not to contaminate Yuuri’s lovely hot springs any more than he already has. 

“Viktor,” Yuuri looks at him with big eyes. “Ive seen dozens of people pass out from staying into long, i’m not leaving till you get out.” Yuuri stand up takin the towel off his shoulder and holding it over his nether region. 

“Really Yuuri i’m fine It just so- ah ” A big wave of desperations comes over Viktor and he jerks forward nursing his soar abdomen. 

“Viktor!” Yuuri rushes back in the water to grab the older Russian man, thinking he is about too faint from the hot water.

“Stop! Yuuri.” Viktor blushes as the man touches his naked body. 

“Viktor you need to get out.” Yuuri is still trying to pull the man up.

“If I move i’ll pee!” Viktor finally gives in and tells Yuuri whats happening.

“How did you let it get to this point?” Yuuri stops pulling on Viktor.

“I was gonna get out and relieve myself, but then you came and I-ah was embarrassed.”  Viktor now fully is trembling, shaking his legs under the water, basically the doggy paddle mixed with a potty dance. 

“are you sure you cant move?” Yuuri sits down on the edge of the pool, his feet only still in the water.

 Viktor tries to move his hands from his crotch but immediately blushes.

“I cant. I just peed a little.” He looks up at the Japanese boy, who is blushing just as hard as he is. 

“If you cant move, you’re gonna have to just pee in the water.” Yuuri lays out the situation point blank. Viktor knows thats what needs to happen, but he doesn’t want to do it with Yuuri right here. 

“Can you leave while I, you know ah oh no” Yuuri see’s Viktor tense his face, controlling another leak. 

“Im not leaving because you really do look pale, I don’t want you to faint and drown and die.” Yuuri takes his feet out of the water now and stands up. Viktor takes his as a sign and takes his hand up from under the water. 

nothing can be seen from Viktor or Yuuri, but Viktor can feel the warm water around him getting even warmer and he pee’s full force into the water, the precious hot springs. He looks up at yuuri, who’s face is beat red. It’s not often you know when someone is peeing right in front of you, especially when they aren't in a restroom. 

Viktor feels his legs and arm go numb from the relief of his emptying bladder. he feels light headed. 

“I feel weak.” He announces looking down into the water, still tense.

“You stayed in to long, let me hel-” Yuuri lowers himself back into the water but is interrupted by Viktor.

“Wait! Im not done.” the older Russian man blushes at how embarrassingly long he is defacing this water, the bath and now Yuuri as he is in the water with him.

“Let me know when you’re done.” Yuuri blushes, and couple of seconds go buy but it feels like minutes fo Viktor and he finally feels this stream die down.

“Im done.”  he looks up at Yuuri. Tears collecting in his eyes now, he realizes what he has done and is ashamed.

“Viktor it’s okay.” The Japanese boy grabs the man and lifts him to the edge of the water, draping a towel over his lower area. 

“Im gross Yuuri, I peed in the hot springs.” He cries

“Viktor, I did that all the time when I was a kid.” Yuuri tries to comfort Viktor but only makes it worse. 

“Im a child, only children have accidents.” Viktor sniffles his noes.

“I didn’t used to do in on purpose Viktor, the hot water just kinda,” Yuuri Blushes, “Make you kinda have to go huh?” He looks up at Viktor’s sparking eyes. 

“I even went before I got in, I was very careful.” Viktor pouts at him, his eyes being less wet.

“see it’s not your fault, it’s just because it’s your first hot springs.” Yuuri wraps him hand around Viktor and gets him to his feet. “Now let’s go get ourselves showered off from your accident, and let’s go eat Katsudon. I’ll tell my mom I had an accident so she turns on the filter, she used to it, trust me.” 

Viktor smiles and Yuuri as they make their way away from the pee filled hot springs. 

[kitto-toberu-sa]

so the other day i got drunk with coworkers and one said they were probably leaving and i cried because i was drunk and tired and theyve been nice to be since day one even when others weren’t

later karaoke which meant more alcohol

after we all split up and i went home and coworker asked if he and another dude could come around which was fine but i was gonna meet them at the station but they ended up at my house

except it was only dude 1

apparently dude 2 was on the phone so i let 1 in

he was saying stuff and idk why but i asked if he was married when i knew he was and he said yes but he hasn’t spoken to his wife in half a year and she lives on a completely different island

he then decided it was the perfect time to confess he liked me???

i did say i liked him in return but made it pretty clear that i wouldnt get involved while he had a wife but i think it may have sounded like an ultimatum (me or her) which isn’t what i intended (keep in mind we were both drunk, but not completely off our face, it was almost 2am and the whole thing was in japanese so i cant explain myself fully - they dont teach you this shit in textbooks lmao)

like he was saying if he left his wife would i date him??

i didnt outright say no for some reason (i think i was shocked??) but i was like ‘well, id feel bad for your wife, itd be difficult, i dont think my boss would approve’ (they want us to stay in the city but not permanently lol)

dude your going to be moving back with your wife (more than likely), you think its okay to cheat on her so why wouldnt you cheat on me? also what if you have a kid? (hes 10 ish years older) like i dont want to be responsible for any kid at my age, let alone one that is probably half my age! also, divorce isnt super common and if the kids classmates (assuming he has a kid) found out that his parents divorced so his dad could go fuck a foreigner that much younger than him, theyd probably be super bullied

when i told my friends they acted like it wasnt a big deal and if he left his wife it wouldnt be my fault, but this shit has been eating at me since thursday. in all honesty hes staying with his wife just because, so he probably should leave if his heart isnt in it, but i also dont know if its true that he hasnt spoken to her

i dont want to over react, but i think its kinda shitty that he used the other guy as an excuse to come over (because i would not have said yes to one guy alone coming over) and that hes willing to be such a shitty person. also, the fact that he thought i would hook up when his married says a lot about what he thinks about me. and who wants to start a long distance relationship? like, changing from ‘normal’ to long distance is fine, but starting like that is weird imo

my friends said he probs just wants to get to know me better and its?? we sit across from each other at work, there was no excuse to not get to know me before hand? and they were like ‘isnt it nice to have someone like you?’ well sure. but if we struggle to communicate thats an issue, right? and tbh, if hes willing to leave his wife, thats a big step for just dating

i dont know maybe im rambling or whatever but its got me shook and i dont appreciate being put in this situation :/ hopefully hes sobered up and realised it was a bad idea (its been four days since ive seen him and we havent messaged) and he wont bring it up again. so i hope hes moving so i dont have to deal with it because i honestly dont know how to say ‘hey youre being kinda shitty’ in japanese and explain the whole thing :/

if youve got thoughts im happy to hear them lmao

[honey-speedway]

i want to go to school so badly.

i want to go to uofc for education. i wanna do my program then hopefully get into the jet programme, which would allow me the opportunity to teach english in japan for a max of like 4 years. i want to specialize in teaching second languages in my course, because i love languages more than anything else, and i can pursue what i love while doing something that will get me a job. ive always liked teaching, and kids. i assisted dance classes for years. i substituted for my japanese teacher for volunteer hours.

my mom hates teachers though. weve had very bad experiences with teachers, and id have to join the teachers union. my mom is very right wing and hates unions pretty well.

when i brought this up to her she urged me to go into another program less generalized, which would be east asian language studies/ east asian studies. problem is, while it would get me a bachelors degree so i could try for jet, theres nothing there that will get me a job. she thinks i could get a government job with something like that, but even after extensive research, i was right, east asian studies is a stepping stone. its something additional to another degree. on its own, its pointless. and im not paying for something that wont get me a job.

ive watched my sister, who wanted to go into graphic design, be urged out of it by my parents, go into photo journalism, and be stuck in an industry where she makes no money. she cant afford to move out, and there are so few jobs for her, it doesnt matter where she goes. its the same shit.

i wanted to apply in october when they first opened, and ive sat because im so scared. my mom didnt talk to my sister for three days when she got accepted to school. i cant do what i want in red deer. i can start education here, but theres not a damn thing for second languages. why would i waste my time for two years where i cant do what i want.

someone close to me intends on going to calgary in the fall too, and im scared that somehow ill be stuck here. im petrified, to the point where i feel like imposing the same ultimatum i did with my graduation. if i cant go pursue a future and a career, will i ever find freedom? am i going to be stuck working minimum wage jobs i hate in a city i hate in a home where i feel awful most of the time? if thats what my future will be painted, i think id rather just end it then and there, even if i know thats a horribly unhealthy way of thinking. and i hate that ive been thinking that way of late. i havent felt so anxious about anything in a long time

i wish the answers were so simple, but trying to explain my family’s dynamics to anyone is like speaking foreign tongue. there isnt a “just go theyll get over it” option.

im terrified and im terrified of myself

ive always clung to whats in the distance, whats five feet ahead of me, hell, the only reason im alive and have a better mindset was my promise in grade 8 to myself that if things didnt get better by the time i graduated, id kill myself in may, just before grad. because if nothing changed by then, nothing ever would. things did get better, and i like to think im a well adjusted person with a healthier outlook on life, im just in a bit of a rut right now, but if theres no school in calgary for me, whats the point? if the future is unknown, and the outlook is bleak, whats there to live for?

i promise im not suicidal if anyone is actually reading this, its just a thought thats been plaguing me recently, and writing things out kinda helps me work through my own problems. helps me vent, and lets me breathe again.

ill just have to keep trying to convince my mom to give me the okay, even if i have to face her anger and sadness, because i will not yield and go into something i dont wish to do. or something that will leave me with no job. i will be paying for everything entirely myself. i will be working and juggling school. its going to be hard, but the raw taste of freedom on my tongue and the blood sweat and tears of hard work motivates me oddly enough.