#idk maybe im thinking too hard but also i really dont think i am! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

belltherad · 3 months ago

Text

can we really say they game of thrones'd the umbrella academy when it hasn't been good since the first season

#grab your torches and pitchforks idrc #season two was like. fine i guess. but i didnt find myself interested in the show when it stopped #and im just now watching s3 and like.....#you're telling me everything BEFORE s4 is like....quality television #idk maybe im thinking too hard but also i really dont think i am!#the umbrella academy

2 notes · View notes

mellotronmkll · 22 days ago

Text

Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared

#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary #its like i dont know where to start #i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting #like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start #i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA #i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk #i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard #rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have #and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know #it feels so so daunting #even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id #its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do #because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating #technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like #know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are #that i just . cannnnnt #AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow #ive had such a horrible night honestly #i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh #i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it #god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH #that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt #because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs #by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late #AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but #i am frustrated!!!!

8 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 3 months ago

Text

🐇💗❔❕

#.. as always i miss having a girl bestie :<#bc now im like i wanna ask for advice!!!!!#with clothes im veryyyy thoughtful abt what i buy #i dont buy lots of clothes. mainly bc of money #but even so i think what i do buy and own are more meaningful and worth it #plus in general i think that capitalism's consumerism ... not wirth the destruction of da earth >-<#so yeah i always think thru what i buy bc i down wanna own too much #so i wish i had someone to discuss and ask for advice...#for example i reallywanna buy a pink nd white striped tank top #but idk if those colors suit me :///#i mean its kinda hard in general when youre ugly #but i do think that no matter what u look like there is always smth that you suit and that is flattering on u #and i've had such a hard time to figure out what that is for me!!!!!#most things i buy im like hmm :// it doesnt like... look flattering even if its ok #when u do find that style (like fresstyle style not really a genre society has decided lol) then your entire self ascends 💀#that sounds dramatic and i think that u should wear what u want to and feel like #but i also think it's true that there is smth special for everyone who really just suits them and thus heightens their entire appearance #and inner glow!!!!! and im having such a hard time to figure out what it is for me... bc it really isnt the style i WANT >.< and even if it #can be ok i want to be like... as ugly as i am i need to find what flatters me the most... :(((#most clothes i get im like oh its ok but it isnt what i thought or needed #so anyway blahblah i wish i had a girl bestie to ask for advice and know if she thought that pink white stripes #would flatter me or maybe not suit me at all.. bc i dont want to buy too many things so i wanna buy what suits me!!!

7 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 8 months ago

Note

any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that

if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it

#snap chats #no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game #oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k #OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think #my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious #rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final #HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE #i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that #i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki #someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it #like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but #i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital #the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe #cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3 #its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think #it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little #and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly #idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me #THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED #i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell #is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form #i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments #BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow #im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE

12 notes · View notes

em-b-sides · 4 months ago

Text

I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually

#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match #maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya #oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig #OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2 #amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe #wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here #i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready #oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets #i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma #my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff #so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk #i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff #also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao #k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see

6 notes · View notes

killjoy-prince · 4 months ago

Text

Ray's After Ending is so funny because for a good chunk of it, most of the RFA members are knocked out by V's sleeping gas (Saeran is immune, Saeyoung isn't present bc he was kidnapped by his agency under his father's orders and MC wakes up in like an hour) but the game has a call feature where you can call the characters and it would be a waste if you couldn't use it bc the characters were unavailable so instead they have other people pick up the call (Jumin's driver picks up Jumin's phone, Jumin's father picks up Zen's phone, Yoosung's friends and mom pick up Yoosung's phone and Jaehee's coworkers pick up Jaehee's phone) and we do get to learn about the characters from outsider's point of view but it's so funny to me that these people are visiting their loved ones and suddenly the phone rings and they decide to just. answer it. and start talking to this stranger they've never met

#prince's talk tag #maybe its not actually weird people just pick up their loved one's phone call for them but i personally wouldn't #i cant stop thinking about how its Jumin's father that uses Zen's phone like Chief Han what were you doing in Zen's room??#i know they needed to assign somw character to Zen and he's not on speaking terms with his family #but I would of thought Chief Han would go to Jumin and the driver could go to Zen #does this mean something? am i thinking too hard about this?#also rip yoosung his friends and mom lowkey kinda dragging him in their call with you #and with the friends since one of them is a girl one of the options is like 'A girl?!?! are you dating??' and shes like 'no lolol'#'he's nice but i dont see him like that'#the main thing that made me make this post was thinking about Yoosung's mom saying how Jumin calls her sometimes and sends her holiday gift #like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! idk man that just plays on a loop in my head #i know thats like a very professional thing to do. Jumin was raised to please people in a business capacity #and the he cares about the RFA so yea it makes sense. im sure he has gifts sent out to companies his works with #and I'm sure if the other members had a good relationship with their parents hed do the same with them #but in the RFA Yoosung and I guess V are the only ones with parents they talk to #idk if he sends a gift to V's father tho bc we never talk to him #but man. while i know hed do it with the other members if he could just the fact he does it with Yoosung is sweet #and it makes the part in Seven's route where he calls Yoosung's mom about her son's dilemma make sense to me bc they do talk once in a whil #so its not too out of the blue when he does it i guess #but man can we talk about how awesome Jaehee is? bc her coworker that picks up her phone spends every call gushing about her #like we knew she's great at her job but man hearing her coworker talk about her fills me with such love and admiration #and she's apparently really loved by the other assistants too like they all gush about her #jaehee is the best character in the game im not joking around #they wanna get close to her but bc she's their boss it's hard T_T #and the one that picks up the phone wishes Jaehee knows she was the one that stood with her overnight when she wakes #Yuni (the assistant you're talking to) says she would of quit the job had it not been for her #LIKE!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!!#it was a nice way to use the call feature during the first two days of the characters not being awake to answer #and even though this is supposed to be the last thing you play before completing the whole game #you still learn something new about the characters you've known since day 1

4 notes · View notes

yoshistory · 6 months ago

Text

part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore

#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now #its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore #like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit #but i dont really even know. its hard #i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want #like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean #and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it #so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow #its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms #and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women #so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways #but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way #its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static #so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman #i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted #which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right #like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways #i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman #which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right #but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel #can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right #sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh #sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it #i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow #and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore #and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.

6 notes · View notes

the-kipsabian · 7 months ago

Text

.

#the thing about being so bad at writing is that when you also do it very irregularly about shit nobody else cares about #you drive yourself into a hole where absolutely nothing motivates you cause nobody misses your fics #also ive been made to feel bad lately about choosing fic writing over drawing so its. been a really fucking bad brain time #idk. i dont feel like a contributing member of the fandom. like it doesnt matter at all what i do i dont provide anything of any value #i hate it here and once again im just. sad and done but im useless with anything so what does it matter and who cares #its so hard to explain. i just dont feel like im doing anything meaningful #and i know thats not an actual indicator of the quality of my work but. try telling my garbage brain these two things arent related lmao #sorry im just. im just useless. i dont just feel that i know i am. with anything i cant do just piling up and the list getting longer i jus #maybe i should finally give up writing too. would make thinking about everything so much easier. nobody would miss it #and nobody can convince me otherwise about that #im gonna go cry in my cocoa now goodbye #night is an absolute mess on main

2 notes · View notes

g8d · 7 months ago

Text

i tried so hard to be kind and sweet and all of these things that are supposed to be good? and valued? but im alone again and i dont think ill ever not be

#if you recently asked me how i am doing. sorry #i do remember and value that. its just very hard to trust that as something i could ever actually lean on #like even to say that feels like maybe i am overstepping. so. yeah thats where im at haha #ive just gotten burned way way too many times at this point #forged in fire??? burnt to ashes #i used to think phoenixes were relatable but not really anymore #the vibe has changed completely #and really im on my way out. not in like a super depressing way im not about to kill my body but when i say #im transitioning to a p zombie its . not a fucking joke im done here #my support group of all things went to shit yesterday too so i really have nowhere to stand im just breaking breaking. breaking. breaking .#dissolving. dying. and im like kind of hurt that nobody even cares enough to know these things about me #but how can i blame people for not knowing that asking me how im doing is not enough #or like how can i blame people for not caring #ppl got their own lives or whatever idk how this shit works.#man im just so so so done.#my friend told me about some future worries today and i was just sitting there like man. how do you even.#talk like you will have a future #like anything matters like any of this is real #because to me it's pretty clearly not #i didn't say that shit to him obviously #id like to keep a friend or two around just in case idk #someone to go on a walk with #sometimes he asks me what i think about stuff #i like listening to myself talk. so i benefit from that #anyway the point of this post was that while im done being a self im also very fucking done being selfless #acting like i think i can help people or something. i cant. i dont want to. i dont care.#i just dont fucking care anymore.

2 notes · View notes

bangcakes · 8 months ago

Text

.

#personal #saw 2 of my friends from school tonight #they asked how its goin with you know who and i was like hhhhhh #and they were like. you should just ask him out #n im like. um........... NDJDJDJDJD #bc literally EVERYONE is saying this to me.#why cant HE ask ME????? god its so #but i am older... by just 2 years. maybe thats intimidating???? he doesnt seem intimidated by me tho. god idk #i think im gonna message him tomorrow #its been like 2 weeks idk JDJXXXKXKKX #i did have a bad cold tho.... JDJJDNDD #god... why is this so hard. and like why is he SO?????? difficult????#ok not difficult. i think actually hes quite simple but Andjkfkfkdkdk #idk how to explain this man. i really dont. hes like me if you removed the overthinking and my filter #but idk im also scared to start something im not ready for #but then..... feel like it kind of already started #god idk #and with more time passing im like. OH GOD WHAT IF HE FINDS SOMEONE ELSE #????#but then if thats the case then ok fine it wasnt meant to be #i also am just like.... i feel like. the possibility of anyone liking me back is just... way too foreign #like. idk sometimes im like. what if this is all a joke JDKJDKDKDKDKDM #god idk idk #im also like maybe i should pretend to friendzone him in my mind so that its Less Scary to talk to him #bc like. once i do talk to him its literally fine NDJDJDJKDMD #hhhhhhhh

3 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

Text

...

#christ. so i was selected as the top candidate for the program i interviewed with on Friday #and im very annoyed and very pleased and also annoyed that im pleased #im pleased bc it means that they were impressed with what ive done to this point and they think i communicate well. which is cool #and the project is very very cool and id love to work on it #am annoyed bc this does put pressure on me to accept bc they can only put one student forward so if i dip out then thats it for them #which i find extremely stressful. and everything is just so much more complicated if i go to the uk for a phd #and i dont get the luxury of faffing about and taking a bunch of classes like i could in the us. ugh but it would b so cool to go back to #the uk and i wouldn't have to fucking drive. ugh. this project.#ugh its like my boss said #sometimes the project is more worth it than the school. id have crazy cool opportunities to learn things on this project #but at the cost of taking a lot of classes in the us. but every project is what u make of it #but im so fucking dyslexic thst its hard to learn outside a classroom bc i cant concentrate and i dont have a person talking me thru the #info. so idk idk. hopefully when i visit the other school ill kno how i feel #god but i loved living in the uk. and i could travel so much more freely there bc the trains and all that. im so fucking restricted bc im #so terrified of driving. i dont have good reaction speed and i space out too much and i get intrusive thoughts #sigh... but id be a whole 24hrs of travel away from my family instead of the 10hrs thst i am now #so id probably only get to see them once a year maybe? in contrast to 2 or 3 times #and im just worried something terrible will happen and then ill be like fuck i wasted all my time making myself miserable so far away #idk. im so tired. we had like a mile abd a half hike out to a site one way and we left at 7.30 got back at like 4 #it was a long fucking day. and im tried. and i have no filter. and when i talk too much it really annoys me #also! i got confirmation that i fucking suck at recording data. wow im so shocked. its basically designed for me to be terrible at #but its still slightly embarrassing. like srry i fucked up ur data. i cant write words correctly #literally i kept writing my Ls upside down today. why? idk that not how i see them. my brain just cant make Language right lol #whatever. my parents r calling tomorrow and i can info dump at them abt my dyslexia knowledge and my academic knowledge of biblical history #bc instead of listening to anything useful to my job. i choose to listen to lectures on neurology and theology. bc fucking idk #its interesting im relearning my bible lore from a non religious perspective. theology is fucking fascinating. ugh anyway #i shoulf sleep im so fucking tried #unrelated

14 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 4 months ago

Text

🍓

#i cant do a thing abt it but oh it hurts #and i feel bad bc i feel like he'd think im selfish?#i want him to be happy but cant i be hurt? cant i be sad too?#and i wont chase him. i'd never do anything like that. 9/10 if i dont *feel* wanted regardless of truth #im out of there bc i have avpd </3 #but i cling to him?? i mean in an emotional way. like i never put up walls in my mind to numb my feelings for him the way i do w avpd #why is he so different from everyone else for my brqin and heart? i mean i obvi i think hes amazing #but i dont get why my brain doesnt protect me emotion and feeling wise the way it does w everything else #how could he cross all of those boundaries and walls my brain has put in place?#this is why i thought i had found my person. but it gets tricky when i am not his person #nor do i think i can be whrn he's chosen someone else. (i get that i really really do and thats why it hurts sm)#but yeah i'd never chase.. bc like why would i? when i know he didnt choose me to give a chance to. i'd never be as arrogant to try to #think i could be worth a chance or that i could do anything abt it.#so even if it's selfish i hurt sm. even tho at the same time i want him to have what he wants even if it isnt me and never was #bc i do also think.. even if it makes me sound naive.. or actually maybe this is just how *i* feel #if u love someone sm and truly want to be w them u find a way to get there. which i wanted to do bc yeah.. i felt like he was my person #but it's just me. it's me alone in this room and i cant.. stay in here forever bc how is that a life? :(#so idk ig i'll hurt and ache and be in pain for a while. and hopefully one day be able to move on #but facing the world & future without him and not knowing if we'll even talk again is so scary and so hard :(#and like will *i* ever find someone who lights my heart on fire and makes me deeply feel and not being so scared i turn away from it?#the way he does... idk :(#i cant even imagine wanting anyone else but.. im alone in that feeling too so.. it is what it is it is what it is it is what it is

3 notes · View notes

snekdood · 7 days ago

Text

i worry a lot about some transfems and its not me trying to be like "im better than you" or some shit its bc some of them remind me of me when i was a kid and new into being considered a girl/woman and being really naive thinking people would treat me better than they would- like i knew people were gonna be shitty but i wasnt prepared for the sheer amount of dehumanization and being reduced to just a sex object... idk... I just want some of you out there to be careful...

#ik its hard to convey tone and emotion through text but i do really worry.#im sure people have felt the same way about me being new into being considered a guy too. Ik i wasnt prepared for how emotionally distant #guys can be. and how like. atomized we all are and how a lot of guys only know how to interact with the world through violence and #being a dick and .-. basically how a lot of guys are just bullies. idk.#i think if we have experiences that we think we can help others by sharing them and maybe preventing them from making the same mistakes #as us then we should share them yknow. idk.#for me at least it does in some ways feel like im a little kid again learning what its like to navigate a new social setting.#like i didnt realize how much playing pvp games with cis guys suck and ppl who grew up with that are just like. 'yeah. thats just how it is #im literally playing wow rn and playing on a pvp server and i literally never attack anyone sdhjdshjvvfd and ppl are just like.#dicks for NO REASON. im LITERALLY RUNNING AWAY. ugh #i get it dude! this is the only way you can feel like you have a big dick but cmon. you gotta accept the truth some day #^and having to learn to talk like that has been something ive had to adopt from dealing with cis dudes. fun #some transfems i want to grab by the shoulders and shake and be like 'DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF'#with a desperate plea in my gaze #'I WANT TO PROTECT YOU BUT I ALSO KNOW PPL HAVE TO LEARN SOME SOCIAL SHIT ON THEIR OWN BUT BY GOD ARE THERE #SOME THINGS I REALLY DO NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE TO FUCKING LEARN ABOUT THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER AND #IS UNFORTUNATELY LIKELY TO HAPPEN TO ANY WOMAN'#why am i becoming a parent. i need to stop. problem is i care too much about people in spite of what ppl might think .-.#i worry so much thats why i yell at ppl online bc i dont want them to get hurt or do something to fuck themselves over idk.#i just... dont express it the best way. like a gym coach or something 🤦#i really am Dad Vibes now huh. how do i stop myself from becoming a dad. i dont even have kids.#well. i have a cat. the eternal rebellious teen. but still #i need to stop expressing my care and fear through anger. its not great. ppl misinterpret me too much w it. but im not mommy enough to #sugarcoat things and coddle people if i feel like thats whats happening. so idk.#i realize this might sound patronizing and im not trying to be at all. to transfems with more experience this is like 'duh' to them probabl #but I'm more talking to the young transfems I see online who seem like they dont go out much and i dont blame them at all for it #its fucking scary out here. especially as a woman. esp as someone alt righters fetishize. and im sorry.

0 notes

celestialmancer · 4 months ago

Text

⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;

#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know #regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone #because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too #i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too #all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.

0 notes

yongseungkim · 7 months ago

Text

.

#bruhhhh im literally doing the same things to my current friend group that i did to people in high school bruhhh #how do u stop the cycle </3 it is endless #at the very least now i am awARE #but the awareness doesnt hit until im out of the actual social situations #within the moment i feel quite overwhelmed and excluded no matter what i do #i think for me its harder cuz im just also more introverted #so other people might see my quietness as like idk oh maybe she doesnt wanna talk right now #while im seeing things as why am i not being talked to right now :((#its hard i want to show up for my friends a lot of them are graduating #but every group social event makes me feel more and more alone and i have stopped being able to control my emotions in the moment #like just the knowledge of like #if theres only space for 2 people on a sidewalk i'll be that third person trailing behind #and like its always me #groups of three make me uncomfortable #i dont have the confidence to insert myself in a group of two like ever #which is part of the problem for sure #and its like im quiet so even if i insert myself it'll just be me doing NOTHIGN #and saying NOTHIGN #which like ACHK #been getting bad at fighting these thoughts more and more by the day #the onLY thing thats different is my logical side she is #way louder than she used to be before i just gotta learn how to listen to her #in the MOMENT #its always afterwards where shes like told ya so #im doing more for myself too now though really really dont want life to repeat itself for the nth time #seeing a therapist rn who feels a lot better than my previous ones so im holding out hope #told me to list things i like about myself and i was like uhh how about things i value <3 #and she was like no LSDKJF #its so tricky cuz like the things i value i dont even necessarily like about myself #i value honesty but honesty if misdelivered stings and i think ive done that one too many times

0 notes

toytulini · 7 months ago

Text

oh. i was gonna reblog the one defending toshiro too from a cultural perspective but the reblogs are off. rip

#toy txt post #dungeon meshi #not to both sides centrism it but i am gonna both sides centrism it a tiny little bit #yes toshiro shouldve corrected his name and shit. but i can also see the line of thinking that leads to not doing it?#hes probably its not a big deal he'll figure it out eventually. maybe after meeting ppl who refer to me by my name #he'll take the hint and be like oh shit wait fuck is it not shuro?#it is Hard to learn to Read The Room and even. sometimes often i think. even neurotypicals will fail that #and if you are actively bottling up the room and hiding it you really cant get That Mad. it was really #like major clash of communication styles there. exacerbated probably by toshiro running himself ragged in his search for falin?#which would make him have less of a reserve of patience to continue bottling up his frustrations and brushing it off #and he was probably trying to brush it off and Be Nice to Laois and humor him etc thinking that it wasnt a permanent situation and that he #wouldnt be living w him forever or whatever #so why would he hurt his feelings when he clearly means no harm by it? whats the point of that? it would be mean!#better to just ignore the frustrations and treat him nice and eventually itll stop being a problem! except oops it didnt stop being a #problem #i understand laois's frustration and its fair. and i also understand where toshiro is coming fro. and i understand how he got to that point #and i wonder if he hadnt been running himself ragged if he wouldve kept bottling it up? but maybe not bc its also exacerbated by #his anger at them doing black magic to resurrect falin?#which. that i dont get. chill bro its just a little black magic its fiiiiiine its the lunatic magician whos the problem! not #marcille or falin. loosen up bro #half joking about that #not to be an uncultured mon magic user or whatever but no offense but how is it really any worse than the other magic it just seemed like #magic with a little more. blood. idk guess im a Black Magic Apologist. what Marcille did is so in line w the ethics of my own personal #magic using ocs for my own shit. whats the problem. toshiro and chilchuck are just haters smh #and the whole world. poor marcille #marcille 🤝 wei wuxian. black magic support group. fuck it im inviting regina mills to it too even tho shes got other shit going on

1 note · View note