#idk if my antidepressants started working
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i feel so empty today
#probably because I'm starting to realize that didn't get a fucking USA scholarship#because i have unclear status of citizenship#idk if my antidepressants started working#or im just so fucking shocked and empty#i tried my best#and it wasn't enough#that's alright#it's not#evie vents 🥂
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i hate how efficiently phone calls can get things done because i hate making phone calls but i do need to get shit done
#also i use up all my scarce phone conversation abilities on clients at work so as soon as i try to make a phone call for myself i can barely#put a sentence together it's awful#i actually stuttered on the phone yesterday at work and i have never had a stutter. i genuinely feel like i'm getting brain damage somehow#brain fog has been especially heinous last couple days but i realized it's auvelity withdrawals which sucks ass i started having brain zaps#again and he just told me i could try taking two a day but if the withdrawals are this bad from just one i actually dont want to do two#it only comes in one dose. i assume these effects are from the dxm so idk maybe i could just buy cough syrup and taper that....?#i think this is the source of many of my recent digestive woes as well#they should make an antidepressant that doesnt make you feel like ass and shit as soon as you stop taking it#anyway that was what the phone call was about i'm out of it because the stupid fucking prior auth for my third refill of this medication is#taking forever. really annoyed about it#mostly annoyed at insurance obviously not my dr office#me
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sitting waiting for someone to text you bc you wanted to make plans with them almost 4 hours ago but now you've just wasted 4 hours bc you couldn't do anything bc you were waiting for them to text should've been a circle of hell in dante's inferno
#i also was on the phone with my mom for a bit so maybe i wasn't fixated on the waiting itchiness for all 4 of those hours but i still#haven't done any of the work i need to do for tomorrow :/ and i don't want to start it bc i'll have to stop in the middle of it except i#really do need to start it regardless of when she texts me back but she hasn't texted me back yet and we're trying to meet up to get food#but we hadn't decided on where to go so idk how long it will take so my window for doing any of it is rapidly shrinking and i can feel it#closing in on me bc it's been dark outside for an hour and i'm still just fucking. sitting here.#also unrelated i figured out this morning that i've been taking tylenol instead of my antidepressants for the last several days! which helps#to explain why i'm suddenly experiencing such a sudden uptick in my depression symptoms but also doesn't help me get back any of the days#i've spent in stasis bc apparently my adhd meds aren't enough on their own (bc i'm depressed) to allow me to do anything easily including#but not limited to getting out of bed#i've also discovered recently that just expressing that i've had difficulty with something to someone at all helps dissolve the mental block#that's kept me from doing it which has been massively helpful for me but maybe annoying to my friend who i usually text about it <3#megan you're a real one and i love you#a post
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ack.. if i don't check my work email soon i'm going to miss my chance to sign up for a workshop for the next semester....
#teaching without going to a workshop first would be awful i HAVE to take a workshop#i have to!!!!!!#but i rly rly don't want to check my email it feels like opening pandora's box#if i check my email i'll have to stop ignoring my job#and i'll have to reply to people and set up the new semester and advertise and take the workshop and start learning the new songs#i don't want to!!!#i only want to think about loop!!!!!!!#and sit around the house being depressed!!!#summer break didn't end up curing me so it can't be almost over#i can't work again yet i caaan't#:( :( :(#being a full late-20s adult SUCKS i'm rly good at fanart but at what cost......#silverstarschat#maybe i . need to talk to my dr abt upping my antidepressants or smth#i'm not sure tho bc like#i'm successfully completing fan art projects#which usually i can't do when im depressed?#so i genuinely can't tell if this clinical depression that requires stronger meds or#just burn out still#that requires. idk even. more rest? i BEEN resting. as much as possible at least#idk :(
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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think I need to go stand in a storm & get struck by lightning or something
#starting NEW new meds saturday probably. I have them but I don’t feel like starting halfway through the week has good energy#my new doc who i dislike took me off the stimulants that barely worked bc she gave me the fucking kid dose#but at least she gave me an antidepressant to try which has a chance of at least helping. ughhhhhhhh it’s so frustrating.#idk. really frustrated by this whole thing. Fix my brain already. I got a super brief taste of being a normal person & I’m hooked now#what do you mean people live like this. why can’t I have it. why do I have to struggle to do even the simplest things#in more positive news I put my 2 week notice in today <3 can’t wait to go work in an office doing admin shit instead of dealing w custies#hurgle hurgle
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Hi guys I think I had/have serotonin syndrome today and yesterday. Started a new drug for el fibro
#I started lyrica but I’m already on cymbalta#I took the lowest dose only once for two days and I’m hypersensitive so it did it to me#I feel so out of it. I messaged my doctor cuz I only have the mild symptoms and not a TON of them but#got the headache the EXTREME anger/agitation the diarrhea and I feel out of it and had trouble swallowing a little bit#a little cold yesterday but nothing too unusual#I didn’t take today’s dose of cymbalta or my vitamins cuz idk if#they can fuck me up#and I’m skipping lyrica till my doctor says to take it again#I asked her for the liquid version so I can take like 10 mg instead of 50#but the crazy thing is it worked like INSTANTLY within a couple hours of taking it the first day which was Saturday#and it’s supposed to take 2-4 weeks. so. that’s the sign in my family that the dose is too high/something is wrong lmao#but Saturday was pure bliss. I felt calm but energetic. least amount of pain I’d had in years without being stoned out of my gourd#I was happy. nice. polite. things that usually annoyed me and made me snap just didn’t. I could tolerate things so well#I REALLY hope I can take this drug on a micro dose cuz the lack of pain has been phenomenal. I didn’t wear my ankle braces today cuz I’m#still not in pain#my brother had serotonin syndrome from taking a half a dose of an antidepressant once so it seems like a genetic predisposition#like the pain relief is on par with having hydrocodone after my tonsil or wisdom teeth removal it’s INSANE#i just need to um. not have probable serotonin syndrome lmao
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i love not taking my meds and then complaining im experiencing symptoms. girl it’s your own fault
#omg why can’t i get out of bed and do things :(((#<————— hasn’t taken antidepressants regularly since like the first half of july#and mind you i started them in july as well#but they weren’t really working i don’t think????#i started showering more regularly but that’s abt it#but bc of that they don’t feel like it’s worth the hassle#and yes i consider having to remember to take one pill a hassle#and i should call my doctor bc there aren’t many left but i don’t feel like doing that#what’s gonna happen i’ll go and say they didn’t do shit and that’ll be it#ig theres a chance she’ll have me take a higher dose#when i first started going to her and she asked me abt my prev meds and when i told her my dosage#she just went: and it wasn’t suggested you go higher?#which likely didn’t happen bc when asked if just say i was doing ok bc i was ig by my standards#but i think my doctor thought i was functioning which wasn’t the case not really#that’s the issue i think i have no idea what to say to doctors so i just go yeah i’m ok idrk why i’m here#so it never goes anywhere#but they rarely question me either so idk shouldn’t they be trying to see if the suicidal person is being truthful lmao#anyway bc i haven’t been taking the meds regularly i’m now experiencing the fun fucked up heartbeat thing again
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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#once again overthinking about how i keep considering adhd medication to be some kind of life changing drug#like im just. waiting for my life to start? when i get on meds?#and there's like. a decent chance it is not gonna be like that for me#no antidepressant or adjacent has ever worked for me before#and i shouldnt rly get my hopes up and i should probably just find other ways to help myself#but it's like 'oh no i cant do that bc i have this thing later' but on a larger scale#idk#i just keep getting stuck on like#what if im just like this for the rest of my life#what if there's no treatment that works for me and what if i just cant do shit and leave things to the last minute#and feel overwhelming intense rejection and lowkey constantly hate myself#and go through all this with no remedy for the rest of my life?#what then?#idk i think im still coming to terms with like.#adhd actually being a disability#the vindication of 'oh im not faking all these things i actually Do have adhd'#is slowly being replaced by 'oh. i have adhd and i actually have to deal with that now bc it is disabling and debilitating'#and it's just. shit#anyways#ignore me#incoherent rambling
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#feeling cute and powerful and also so afraid!#is it just human nature to google shit about different grad schools when youre 25#i wanna be a pa maybe but holy fuck it sounds hard and expensive#like. 100 grand in the hole kindsa expensive#and too hard to work at the same time#plus incomeless for like 2-3 years#but after you get to make absolute bank. like unfathomable amounts of money#but id need a LOT of help to make it happen? and i dont think i could go to my parents for it#or tatsuya even after he gets his phd#like. idk how i could make it happen and still pay half our rent at the same time#let alone pay for tuition#fucking wah why do people havw to have aspirations after starting antidepressants lmao#meredith talks
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If some idiot at the doctor’s gave me a cold right before I’m supposed to start my new job I swear I’m going to launch myself into space
#imagine me emailing my manager like ‘hey emily hope you’re well thanks for giving me the job. by the way i am dying so i’m going to do all#the induction at home if that’s okay with you’#i only went there for a fucking prescription review of my antidepressants but the waiting room was like the last days of rome#there was an unmasked old woman coughing up a lung; some old man with a lead poisoning stare was arguing with the receptionist because he’d#shown up for his appointment an hour late and still somehow expected to be seen… there was also a smell of weed smoke#idk what that was about. then the old lady started complaining because me and somebody else were seen before her#bestie i don’t know how to explain to you that we were booked in to see different people. four doctors; a physiotherapist; a pharmacist#and two counsellors operate out of this building. not to mention there’s usually a nurse somewhere doing vaccines#i have not jumped the queue i’m just seeing a different doctor than you bro#anyway i’ve been feeling snotty ever since. get thee behind me satan :(#i have a couple of covid tests somewhere. i’ll do one if this persists. otherwise i’m just going to eat tacos and put this whole experience#behind me i think#see this is why i don’t go to the doctor unless i’m on death’s door. or my phone doesn’t work to call them. that as well#personal
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i need..... 2 rewatch..... shallow grave....... posthaste......
#also trainspotting. & pride & prejudice. & bbc narnia series. & hellraiser. & narnia movie once friend is recovered enough 2 watch it w/ me#but also i need 2 Go The Fucketh To Sleep#bc i work tmrw 💀#WHY dud i think it was a hood idea 2 work mondays and tuesdays too.....#surely i was better off rotting in bed at home all day doing absolutely nothing and feeling awful for and because of it. right? right??#hngnhhngg 6am is such an early start time too..... but 2:30 is an EXCELLENT time 2 get off work so. its fine. ig.#I JUST WANNA WATCH STUFF. AND BE ABLE TO FOCUS DURING IT (a very rare occurrence 4 me of late...)#cant wait 2 run out of my concerta in <2 weeks b4 having to wait 3 (unmedicated) weeks to get my mcfucking prescription renewed.#and im not even sure my current dose is adequate anymore!!! but i dont wanna pay even more for a higher one!!!#running out of one drug. not taking another (oops. idk why im like this). soon gonna be me n my antidepressant against the world#im so doomed#(im not convinced its actually. doing anything. is my point)
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My head hurts, have had a headache for the past two days and Excedrin is not helping me at all
#it's not the worst headache#frequently theyre worse#still sucks though#and usually excedrin helps its the only thing that i found that helps#so whyy won't it work now 😭#hope im not getting like a tolerance to it so its being less effective#i should probably go to the doctor again soon#see if i can get any more tests done because my MRI found nothing#blood test came back normal#and i have a headache like at least 3 times a week#but when i moved to this state the doctor i started seeing prescribed me a thing#that my antidepressants warning thing says i cant take together#i guess cause theres an interaction? idk i just remember seeing the name in the “do not take with this drug” list#so ive not tried it cause im worried about it#and it is sort of sketchy he prescribed me something that is not meant to be taken with an antidepressant#when he knows what medications im on?#so idk if i wanna keep seeing him lol but yeah i really should try and see someone again
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O-(-<
#when will my antidepressants actually start working lol its been a month and a half and all im feeling is apathy :(#and just plain exhaustion. what is this#havent been able to get myself out of bed garrghhggg i have final projects to work on#im going to . idk. break down or smth lol.
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my antidepressant(s) are suspiciously working (?) and so i’ve compulsively decided to start over on my save file. my first step was overriding the world objects in newcrest, and after three days of non-stop work she is *empty*
and her grass is de-saturated for Realismᵀᴹ
next is replacing the road/sidewalk terrain textures and creating a lighting mod! very excited for these next steps!
i’ve saved 15 million reference pictures of new england homes on pinterest and i love the sims again and it’s terrifying
also wondering: how many expansions/packs should i limit it to? i really want to use community spaces, rec centers, make basketball courts and small restaurants and such, but even just those things are 4 packs... idk
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