#like. idk how i could make it happen and still pay half our rent at the same time

[wink-wonk]

.

[izzy-b-hands]

This was meant to be an excerpt that might or might not go in the in-progress Ed's Midwifery Charge fic, but it maybe turned into a mini fic of its own?

Idk, but it's Izzy and Ed and the baby from the sort of au I've created with that fic and they're so tired. So so tired. (aka I got to relive helping my family stay up with my younger cousins when they were newborns while writing this lmao)

“How about a story about sleeping?” Ed says, voice pitched as high as it can go, strained. “I bet Izzy has a story about sleeping, and going to sleep, and staying asleep-”

Izzy nods as he racks his brain for a story both relevant and baby-appropriate. “There was the night we slept hiding in Jackie's attic.”

“Oh yeah,” Ed doesn't stop moving, still gently bouncing on his feet. “And she nearly caught us fucking midway through the night.”

“I don't think Basilica cares about that part of it.”

“Well, after that night we almost thought we'd be doing this with one of our own,” Ed raises a brow as he moves past Izzy. “So it's a cautionary tale, as well as a lovely story about how nice it is to fall asleep so other people can also sleep. Basilica, I really can’t recommend it enough, the sleeping thing.”

“I can take a turn,” Izzy holds out his arms. “Come on, I know your arms are going numb.”

“Only a little,” Ed turns back and gently deposits Basilica into his arms. “What else can we do here…most people find it soothing to be rocked by a ship; how is the double rocking of us and the ship not doing it for her?”

“We can ask the crew for help,” Izzy murmurs, settling into a gentle rock as he starts to pace the floorboards of Ed's quarters. “They've said they would help-”

“They need to be rested for the next raid,” Ed interrupts. “And on guard in case anyone fucks with us during the night.”

“We could take turns-” Izzy pauses. He can feel the tension rising. This isn't worth the argument. “We could…I don't know, rock more with the ship's motion? We already are, but-”

“Don't discredit any ideas that might win this for us,” Ed murmurs as he walks up behind Izzy and leans, rocking with him. 

“She's an infant; it isn't a competit-” 

“Shhh,” Ed shushes him and wraps his arms around Izzy's waist. “Just sleeping, and rocking, and the waves are so-”

Ed pauses.

“Is this making you feel a bit sick?” Izzy asks softly. “Because I might admit, for myself-”

“Yeah, no, we gotta stop or I'm gonna hurl,” Ed mutters, but he doesn't move from Izzy's back. “Kid, you need sleep. We need sleep. Please.”

The thing is, Basilica isn't crying. Simply staring up at them with her wide, unfocused eyes. In theory, she could be laid in her bassinet and would potentially fall asleep…

“Dare we try laying her down again?” Izzy asks, half to himself and half to Ed. “She cried the last time.”

“Maybe if we give her a few minutes, she'll relax and stop and try to sleep,” Ed yawns in his ear. “That could be a thing that happens. God, that would be so cool if that happened.”

“You have to let go of me for me to set her down.”

“In a minute,” Ed mumbles, breath warm on his neck, in his hair. “That was a good night, that night in the attic.”

“It was,” Izzy murmurs. He can't help but smile at the memory of it: cuddling with their clothes as a mattress and a rough blanket of Jackie's as their covers, that had turned into teasing and mumbling that they'd be careful, mindful of their lack of condoms (too expensive when they didn't have the scratch to pay for a room at Jackie's, or to at least rent the attic versus hiding in it.) 

“Try laying her down,” Ed steps back from him. “I'm sure we can handle a few minutes of crying until she sleeps.”

For the first minute, it seems like they might. She's upset, but not crying too hard or loudly. Just a minute to adjust to not being held, maybe. 

“What would you say if I said I kind of want to reenact that night?” Ed steps closer again. 

“I…” Izzy sighs. “Would love to say yes. And I think you already know that, but-” 

She’s still crying, little face screwed up and tiny fingers curled into fists. 

He catches Ed’s gaze. “I don’t think we’re going to get a chance to do that tonight.” 

“No, we’re not,” Ed sighs deeply and picks Basilica up again. “They’re gonna start talking about you as the cruel captain of this ship. Not letting people sleep, throwing up on them, being so demanding! But you’re cute enough I think you can get away with it.” 

“Do you really want…” Izzy continues hesitantly. “Another night, you and I-” 

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it,” Ed interrupts. “Do we have any more coffee?” 

“No,” Izzy replies, wondering how much Ed really means it. He said he’d meant to have them kill Bonnet, and that hadn’t happened. He’d more than once told him he was done with Jack, wouldn’t let him back onboard to fuck up their and their crew’s lives. That had been false too. 

“Then we’re raiding as much for that as we are anything else tomorrow,” Ed frowns. “How the fuck did we run out?” 

“We’ve been busy,” Izzy shrugs. “Babies will do that to you, I think. We could stop at the nearest port, sell some of the loot-” 

“And risk someone attempting to make good on the bounty on my head?” Ed scoffs as he bounces, Basilica still wailing in his arms. “You really are tired, or I know you wouldn’t have suggested that.” 

“I am. I’m sorry.” 

For a moment, Ed’s gaze softens. “Yeah. We’re both tired. We’ll take whatever we can from whoever we raid…I keep saying tomorrow, but it’s already tomorrow, isn’t it?” 

Izzy nods as he lets himself lean against the nearest wall, to keep himself standing and awake. “It’s past midnight, I know that much.” 

“Maybe rocking in the bassinet?” Ed asks, but seemingly more to himself than anyone else, setting Basilica back in it with a pained wince. “I know; I’m so sorry. But you have to sleep, eventually. So do we, and maybe this won’t be so bad, hm? Please stop crying.” 

Izzy joins him at the other side of the bassinet, both of them gently tapping it to one side then the other, and he realises Ed is crying. “Ed. If you want to lay down yourself-” 

“I just feel bad that she’s still crying,” Ed sniffles, and the tears really start to fall. “We’re doing everything we can and she’s still crying so hard but she’s so little. Have you seen her toes?” 

“I have,” Izzy smiles softly. “We’ve been counting them, making sure they aren’t going anywhere.” 

He doesn’t mean to allude to what Ed’s done to him, the comment is genuinely a joke. He can recall, as a young child helping his mother, watching excited new parents counting every toe and finger, eyes, tapping the tip of an impossibly tiny nose. He only means that, not what he’s sure Ed is thinking of as Ed looks at him. 

“You were this little once.”

“Um,” Izzy nods. “I was. So were you. So were all of us, I presume. Except maybe Buttons, he might have started out as a gull…” 

“Your toes were this tiny.” Ed’s gaze upon him feels almost like a burn now, with Ed silently sobbing as he stares. 

“They were. I regret they didn’t stay that cute and small, though that probably would have been its own issue. They’re not that cute now, I know that much-” 

Ed leans across the bassinet, pausing it in its rocking, and pulls him into a kiss. 

As they part, Ed blinks hard. “I’m sorry.” 

“What?” 

“I,” Ed pauses. “I’m. I don’t want anyone doing that to Basilica. Where can we…who can we give her to, so that won’t ever happen?” 

“I don’t know for sure,” Izzy says, and there’s surprise at hearing his own breath hitch, realising there are tears streaming down his own face. “But we’ll do our best. We’ll find someone.” 

“I can’t keep doing this,” Ed mutters desperately. “To myself, or to you, or the crew-” 

“Okay,” Izzy stands and moves back to Ed, helping him off the floor as Basilica cries. “You lay down.” 

“But-” 

“Just do it,” Izzy sniffles as he wipes away tears. “Give me a minute.” 

It takes another few minutes to set it up, and Ed is beside him again by the second one. “We don’t have enough blankets for this.” 

“No, but a traditional blanket fort wouldn’t be safe when she’s this little,” Izzy sighs. “This might work though.” 

The floor is littered in the few remaining cushions (most stabbed a few times, but still soft enough), a smattering of their remaining blankets. The rest of the blankets he’s stabbed to the wall, using the multitude of small knives already in various walls around the room. Stretched out and pinned low as they are, it’s the closest he can get to making them a blanket fort that can safely fit the bassinet. 

“Here we go,” Ed weeps softly as they lay down inside of it, both helping to rock the bassinet again. “See, you’re okay. We’re all okay. And now that you’re safe and cosy, you can sleep! Please try and sleep.” 

“She will,” Izzy says as he adjusts, to get as comfortable as he can. “And so will we. Worse case scenario, Frenchie and Jim take turns leading the raids tomorrow.” 

“That’s fine,” Ed mumbles. “Do you think Stede is safe, right now?” 

It takes him a moment, to think of how to say it right. To say it how Ed probably needs to hear it, versus how he wants to say it. “I think Stede is okay. I’d bet he’s complaining, maybe a bit cold or somewhere damp, but if he’s back somewhere on the sea like I’m sure he is-” 

“You really think that, don’t you?” Ed asks incredulously. “That he’s back out here, looking for us?” 

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Izzy shrugs, gently tapping the bassinet as it leans his way. Inside, Basilica has quieted to sniffles and hiccups, much like himself. Tears never last long for him, even when he wants to cry. It’s like there’s some shut off valve in his mind that keeps them from sticking around. “And he’s probably found his crew again, those that aren’t with us-” 

“That we marooned,” Ed interjects. “She’ll never do anything to get herself marooned. And if anyone does maroon you, Basilica, I’ll kill them for you. I swear it.” 

Izzy makes a mental note to do his best to keep in touch with whoever takes the baby from them. Even if the letters aren’t monthly or even bi-monthly, Ed will want some reminder that she’s still safe and being well looked after. “And they might not be doing as well as they were. We have his fancy, expensive ship, after all.” 

“We do,” Ed nods. “You really don’t mind it?” 

“It’s ostentatious. He made certain choices I wouldn’t, for the overall health of the ship but…she is very pretty.” 

It’s right on the cusp of awkward, and he’s aware of how carelessly they’re dancing on it. But they haven’t been this open and honest with each other in years, and there’s an ache in his chest as he realises how much he’s been missing it. 

“She is,” Ed nods again. “Oh, but this is even prettier. Someone’s sleeping.” 

Basilica is, finally, lightly sleeping. Tiny chest moving up and down, the occasional sniffle still from all her crying. 

“We can sleep now too,” Izzy smiles softly. 

“We can,” Ed sighs. “But maybe a few more minutes up. Just want to make sure she’s still-” 

“Breathing?” Izzy adds. “Yeah, I know. I mean, she’s fine. We can see that.” 

“We can,” Ed says as he adjusts, cracking his back in the process. He winces at the sound. “Sorry. But if we sleep right away, and something happens to change that-” 

“I’d never forgive myself,” Izzy interrupts.

“Me neither,” Ed breathes out, and Izzy realises they’ve both been holding their breaths in time with Basilica’s breathing. “A few more minutes awake then, to be safe.” 

“Or an hour.” 

“Or two.” 

The time doesn’t really matter. As exhausted as he is, he doesn’t want the bubble of the moment to burst. They’re not exactly happy, they’re not exactly safe, but this is better than it’s been by a lot. Better than he feels he’d have any right to ask for.

[flatstarcarcosa]

All ship questions for Abe :) (dadbodsandbots)

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

How did they first meet?

he broke into my fucking house and refused to leave. i have our story pick up after he dips in s2, and figure that i'm /near/ sleepy hollow but not directly in it. he finds my cabin and just thinks it's empty and free real estate. it is not. although. he never pays rent so i guess for him it was free real estate.

he kinda gets stuck because there's a bay window in the kitchen with sunlight blocking him on one side of the cabin and that's how i find him when i come home.

What was their first impression of each other?

monster fucking tendencies aside, there was some stuff on fringe news sources about the headless horseman. SH police tried to keep a lid on it but you know how the internet is. i am trope aware enough to be a bit wary of the headless serial killer now in my kitchen but also. i am on day 8 of 9 of work before a single day off between another 9 day stretch so i'm a bit kinda.

"don't gotta work if no head tho-"

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

doesn't really apply for obvious reasons. eventually i DO talk about 'the boyfriend' but am understandably cagey about a lot of it. i think some people think i'm just making up a boyfriend for some reason until he finally gets his head back and can like. be in public.

Who felt romantic feelings first?

oh i think he did. mine was just MAN BIG MCLARGE HUGE SEXY for a good bit, meanwhile me just treating him normally and putting effort into being able to communicate with him and being willing to trust him when he says (writes a note) that he just wanted to be left alone but hadn't considered what that entailed and as i've done him no wrong he has no reason to be hostile towards me so like. could he idk hang out. started getting to him.

his own mistakes leading to his own suffering aside there is the fact that like. man was already half dead when moloch showed up, it's heavily implied moloch and hell targeted him specifically because of his relationship with both ichabod and katrina to become the horseman, and regardless of people having damn good reason to treat him like a monster it still throws him for a loop to fumble into someone who. doesn't do that.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

also him. he teeters for a while between still wholly blaming ichabod and katrina for how things went with growing realization that they're NOT entirely to blame. also my hc's of 'he was in love with both, got neither, went a bit unhinged about it' he's hesitant to open himself up.

also, joking about it aside, he thinks for a while there's no way i'm not fucking with him because. he's fucking headless. he hasn't treated me monsterably but he is undeniably a monster so what could i possibly be interested in.

If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

sometimes when it's late at night, especially if i've been having a bad time and am only finding sleep after days, and he's still awake watching me curled up next to him he thinks it's weird how things turned out. he's not a 'everything happens for a reason' type of guy, esp considering the things he's experienced but.

what are the odds, you know?

What would their lives be like if they had never met?

man wandering loose and alone in woods, foraging for murder victims. local alcoholic pharmacy tech crashes and burns.

GENERAL

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

it was mutual. the notes/charades and half-assed ASL and me learning his body language actually made us VERY good at communicating non verbally. he started doing nice things initially out of boredom and to pass the time while stuck inside in an otherwise tiny cabin, but eventually realized that it was also. oddly rewarding to have it appreciated.

i don't think he realized it was mutual until i started being physically affectionate though. first time he was sitting on the couch and i plopped my ass down on his lap had him like

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

not really because of the obvious. i think the FL vacation we take after his reheading should count though. we spend two weeks down here and then spontaneously add a third only because he spent enough days being besieged by demons he felt cheated of an actual vacation.

"so you're telling me the nations oldest city isn't haunted, it's full of demons?"

"it's goddamn infested is what it is and i didn't bring enough shotgun shells for this"

"i mean. it's florida. they're not hard to find."

What was their first kiss like?

POV abe abbie and ichabod pop out of a hell port 3 days late after disappearing to stop an apocalypse. i'd assumed they'd succeeded when the timer ran out and the world kept spinning but i'd started getting worried. all three of them are exhausted and bloody.

abe only went because they cajoled him into it out of desperation, and the agreement that if he helped they'd give him his head back.

me, having the enchanted ring means i don't immediately realize he's already taken it back. surprise!

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

i definitely think i was too focused on being an insane alcoholic trying to make it day to day to have had any relationships in this setting, so.

What’s their height difference? Age difference?

in my mind he's 6'4 (with head). which means he was already tall before imagine how fucking mad i am after the reheading when he's taller. age difference is like what 220ish slutty slutty years.

although, i remember something somewhere saying he was only 27 when he died. i don't know if that was an official age thing or just a fanon thing but if we roll with that and discount the years he was waterlogged in the river we're close in age.

What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

non-applicable. man's reheaded before he even finds out i have a sister. (so like, almost two years into knowing each other)

Who takes the lead in social situations?

by necessity for a while, me, because our only social situations outside each other are w ichabod and abbie and someone has to translate. post reheading it's usually him.

Who gets jealous easier?

him. i only do it if it's funny.

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

oh that's equal depending on the situation.

LOVE

Who said “I love you” first?

probably him, but not until after getting his head back. cringe comp, horseman of death less emotionally constipated than i am.

What are their primary love languages?

Abe is gift giving, which is. ironic because the man fucking sucks at giving gifts. he STILL falls into thinking "expensive = good" and gets confused when he buys something meant as an obvious joke and i end up being DELIGHTED by it. also he turns himself into an acts of service ass mf, stays confused at how this happens.

mine is also acts of service, as well as quality time.

Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

both but only For The Bit.

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

i don't tend to engage in PDA much but i also don't rebuff it. i do however climb like a fucking tree at home, esp when it's a case of i had to struggle through work and my brain shut off the second i walked in the door.

Who initiates kisses?

it's mutual and genuinely depends on who's hornier.

Who’s the big and little spoon?

i am just a leetle creachur, i cannot help des.

What are their favorite things to do together?

when he's still headless obviously it's a lot of inside stuff. i think we do get to the point where we take the horse out at night though, but he's always a bit on edge to make sure no one is around.

reheading opens it up a lot more. he likes doing a lot of stuff outside just because of the novelty of being able to be out in the sun without burning to a crisp.

Who’s better at comforting the other?

look he tries but his immediate go-tos are a "oh, darling" and tea and sometimes i'm at the point where if this mf shoves one more cup of tea at me he's gonna have hot liquid in his newly regained eyes.

Who’s more protective?

him most definitely. although, i get defensive of him sometimes when it comes to abbie and ichabod. you don't have to like him or trust him (even though at a certain point it's clear he's not going to fuck them up any longer) but you're not going to be rude in my fucking house.

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

abe leans towards both and i lean towards physical because i have Weird Hangups about Words.

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

Royal Blood -- Little Monster

The Black Keys - Next Girl

What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

Abe. :) even though canonically others refer to his as Brahm/Brom as a nickname i think he likes i just defaulted to something else all on my own. Petnames aside he has a very specific way of saying Reese sometimes that makes it feel like a nickname.

Who remembers the little things?

i have chronic forgoring disease so it's not me, usually.

DOMESTIC LIFE

If they get married, who proposes?

we do not. he does eventually consider the idea despite initially thinking he was never gonna do that again but i am staunchly anti-marriage.

What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

Do they have any pets?

Rufus :) also I end up getting some hamsters. he is immensely confused about having rodents as pets. he is also eternally frustrated that they keep getting out of the fucking cages.

it happens so often he'll find rufus just standing somewhere and looking between a spot under a piece of furniture and back again and it's just [deep sigh] "is there a hamster loose, rufus?" [small boof] "of course there is. you could eat one, i won't tell on you."

Who’s the stricter parent?

Who worries the most?

in general about anything i have the anxieties disorders. about specific things, he genuinely worries about the fact he's a magnet for demons and other hell creatures, and it only gets kicked up after some of them shred the cabin.

Who kills the bugs in the house?

it depends on the bug. he finds my eternal war against cockroaches fascinating and concerning. the way i can hear them in the fucking baseboards is genuinely unsettling.

one time a snake got in and all he heard from the other end of the house was "oh. ohhhh nooo, no not today. no sir. no thank you. may i ask you to vacate the doorway-"

How do they celebrate holidays?

i'm in the funk of just not doing so when we meet but i do think over time ichabod and abbie's influence drags us into it.

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

me, but he doesn't need much convincing.

Who’s the better cook?

well it's not the 18th century aristocrat that never did a single thing for himself before dying that's for fucking sure.

Who likes to dance?

i'm prone to moving around if i have music going and i think he tries to get me to like. dance-dance sometimes but i always get weirdly flustered about it for some reason.

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[theabigailthorn]

Hey Olly, I’m pro free housing, but i often get stuck on how it would work? Like, how would who gets what housing be decided? What if everyone wants to move to a beach town but all the housing is taken—do people get on some kind of wait list? Should housing be run by the govt, or should it be generational, like you bequeath your housing? Idk when I think about a system where you apply to the govt for your housing and it gets approved or denied, I worry about corruption/tankie shit. Any thoughts?

I get this a lot, and in the first instance I think it’s often framed in a pretty unrealistic way. I very much doubt everybody would suddenly want to move to a beach town because people put down roots wherever they are and have connections and jobs there.

That said, obviously people will want to move sometimes, just like now - so you’re right to think about how that would work! I can imagine that a local council, or some public body under local democratic control, would have a list online of all the properties that are currently empty. If you're looking to move you can browse the list, pick one you like, and apply! If more than one person applies for the same house then we can have a lottery system (unless it’s got special features that one person needs, like it’s on the ground floor and they can’t do stairs, in which case we can let them take priority there). Once you get the house you can pick up the keys and move in! You would be responsible for maintaining it, so once every so often someone from that local body will come round and say, “Hey, you need to clear the gutters or install some fire doors or whatever.” Once you’re done you give back the keys and move out! The important thing to realise is that whilst not everybody will get their first choice house - that is already true of the current system. No rent, no mortgages. The house is not owned by anybody and so it cannot be sold: homes are no longer the sorts of things that can legally be commodities.

Won’t there be corruption and people moving their friends up the list for the nicer houses? Almost definitely! Again though - real estate corruption already happens under the current system. At least this way nobody dies of homelessness and nobody amasses fortunes on the backs of other people’s misery.

Won’t this mean every estate agent and landlord is out of a job? Yup. But we will also be creating new jobs! Someone will need to administer that list, manage applications, show people round properties, inspect them... Seems like estate agents have a lot of transferrable skills that will be useful! Their new jobs will be much more stable since they won’t be conditional on the fluctuations in the housing market! Let’s make sure they’re unionised with pensions and decent wages while we’re at it!

But people won’t take care of the houses if they don’t own them! It’s hard to think of anything that has more evidence against it than this. Private renters already take care of housing which they don’t own because they live there. My landlord hasn’t set foot in my flat for three years: I do all the cleaning and repairs and I make it a home. The owner does zilch!

But what if someone wants to come into my house and just live there? Same thing that happens now if you rent, you have a right to privacy so you can tell them to leave? I don’t own the flat I currently live in, but I can control who comes in - even the owner is required to give me notice.

But I want to own a house someday so I can sell it and getta tha mon-ey! Tough titties I’m afraid. You don’t get to amass wealth at the expense of other human beings anymore.

I agree that the current housing crisis is a problem, but can’t we just introduce strong pro-tenant regulations? The housing market and the housing crisis are the same thing. That’s the point. Consider that every regulation you introduce will be challenged and eroded by the most rich and powerful people in the world. We have tried for over a century to regulate our way out of the housing crisis and it’s been a miserable, deadly failure. It’s time to cut the Gordian knot and realise that we will not solve the housing crisis until we do to landlords what Thatcher did to the miners: absolutely remove them as a political force.

But who will build new houses if nobody can sell them for a profit? We have a free healthcare system, don’t we? Why not a housing system too? It’s not perfect of course, and it’s vulnerable to privatisation by the backdoor, but if a job needs doing the government can pay people to do it - that is a thing that can happen.

But I already paid half my mortgage! Now you’re telling me my house isn’t an asset anymore? Admittedly, that sucks. But hey, at least you don’t have to pay the other half, and now you live in a society where you will never go homeless!

Won’t wages go down once people no longer have to pay rent or mortgages? Maybe. Sounds like a good reason to join a union and have robust minimum wage laws for everybody! But even if they did - if your living costs have just been reduced by half cause you aren’t paying rent anymore and there’s now zero chance that you will end up on the streets, you could lose some wages and still be fine.

But people won’t go to work if they don’t have to pay rent! Absolutely right. Would you still go to work at your shitty job if you had free housing? Would you maybe go half as much, and spend the other half doing something you actually enjoy? If your boss harasses you or makes your job miserable, aren’t you now in a much better position to say, “Screw your job!” Guaranteeing free housing puts a massive amount of power in the hands of workers and would expose just how coercive capitalism is! Suddenly, if rich people want their floors cleaned or their coffee served - well they’d better pay the person doing that job properly or it won’t get done. All the people who actually keep society running in low-paid shitty jobs are suddenly able to demand the respect they deserve. Every pro-worker party should be demanding free housing: it’s hard to think of a move that would benefit the working class more than taking away the threat of homelessness used to keep them in line.

Won’t banks be in serious trouble if mortgages suddenly aren’t a thing? Probably. Some might go under. They will not get bailouts - if bailouts are required they will go directly to the employees and customers, who, remember, have all just had their living costs massively reduced because they have free housing now. They will not end up on the streets because homelessness won’t exist. 

This is ridiculous! For most of human history housing was not a commodity. There is more empty housing now than homeless people. The fact that people find it difficult to imagine an alternative now is a function of Capitalist Realism, but a lack of imagination on their part isn’t a moral or intellectual failing on mine.

I’m a foreign billionaire and I bought loads of property in your country so I can leave them empty to inflate my assets/launder my money that I got from doing crimes. Now you’re telling me I’m going to lose everything cause you’re confiscating those properties and letting people live in them?! Get rekt lol

[lovingmyselfcore]

Protect You Chapter IV

Oh my god I did it. I wrote a thing for this thing!! You guys are def getting other writing things from me this week but idk what it'll be bc apparently my brain is god and works in mysterious ways (is that offensive?)

Significant lack of Cardan today and I apologize for that but he will deffo be in the next part (if you've read the end of this then you know)

Chapter IV; Some Attempted Breaking and Entering ft. Nicasia being Nicasia and I hate her :)

“Ow,” I deadpanned.

Oriana looked up at me, mouth pinched at the edges, “Jude.” She had the way of saying my name (always has) that perfectly conveyed her distaste at my existence and scolding me for whatever I had done.

We were in Vivi and I’s apartment, Oriana had me propped on the counter while she adjusted my sling and bandages. Every time she saw the injury she grimaced in disgust, which meant that was her only current expression.

“When Vivi does this it’s much quicker,” I muttered, crossing my ankles and swinging my legs against the counter.

“Well, Vivi has had weeks of doing this for you.” Oriana pulled the bandage tighter and my ‘ow’ wasn’t deadpan anymore.

I didn’t think she was going to speak again but she did, “Training,” She scoffed. “I can’t believe you injured yourself so severely.” She looked up at me, “But at least it wasn’t a gunshot wound. At least your life isn’t as dangerous as that.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. Lying always has been my specialty.

Oriana pressed her lower body into my legs to keep me still against the counter. “Stop banging, you’re going to dent or chip it.”

I rolled my eyes and her grip tightened on my arm before she released me entirely.

“All done.”

I rolled my shoulder as best I could, “Great.”

Oriana stepped back and I hopped off the counter. Grabbing my jacket and slinging it over my available shoulder I called back to Oriana, “I’m going to work, Dain needs me.”

I was two steps from the front door when Oriana caught me by the shoulder. “Tayrn’s engagement party is tomorrow night,” She said it like I hadn’t been thinking about it since it was announced.

“Don’t worry,” I grinned at her, “I’ll be there to make everyone’s life hell.”

~~~~~~~~

“Jude,” Lilliver waved her hand in front of my face. “You’re spacing. Everything good?”

“What? Oh, yeah. It’s just…”

“The party.” Garrett said, matter of factly.

I gave him a look. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well lucky for you, you’ll be spending the whole time on a job,” Garrett said. Van and Lilliver winced.

“What?” I asked, meeting Garrett’s eyes. He didn’t flinch away from the harsh edge to my voice, the undoubtedly even harsher look in my eyes.

“Dain wanted us to tell you,” Van said, raising his voice as the music caught a crescendo.

We were in some day club that was clearly only for rich people. Sitting at a table tucked in a dark corner, watching as Dain mingled amongst the crowd. Shadows in the shadows, I mused. Weirdly appropriate.

I wasn’t sure who it was, but someone had rented the place and filled it with the highly respected, feared, higher-ups. Dain had heard about the event and invited himself, using the situation to make connections, and further the ones he already had.

He’d dragged us with him, of course. It was 11 at night, I was supposed to be curled on the couch with Vivi, eating ice cream out of the tub and watching Criminal Minds or beating up the punching bag in my room until my knuckles had split, even through the bandages and I couldn’t feel my arms. It depended on my mood.

But Lilliver had called me, said Dain needed his shadows, and that Garrett was waiting outside my apartment building. He had been. I have no idea how he got my address, but I’d refused to let him be my ride. He was too unpredictable, I couldn’t give him that blind faith. So I’d yelled to Vivi that my bike was out of gas and I needed hers and I’d pay her back for the miles, took her keys, and trailed behind Garrett’s car. And now, here we were.

I was nursing a glass of whiskey, mostly to calm my nerves as I followed Dain with my eyes, watching everyone who got too close to him.

“You don’t think anybody would try anything?” I’d asked when I got here, sliding in next to Lilliver in the booth.

“Someone’s done it before.” Van had muttered grimly.

I arched a brow, “What happened to them?”

Van just looked at Garrett, who was eyeing everyone and everything like they all had guns and were about to start shooting people.

I got the message and hadn’t inquired further.

“What does he want me to do?” I asked now.

“Locke’s a friend of Cardan’s.”

“I’m aware.”

Garrett rolled his eyes and I glared at him.

Resting my forearms on the table and leaning forward until I was closer to Van I said, “But Dain isn’t worried about Cardan taking the power, is he?”

“No.”

“But,” Lilliver cut in. “Locke has been seen with Madoc and Balekin. Being with Madoc isn’t that weird-”

“Yes, it is.” I interrupted.

“But Locke is going to be Madoc’s son-in-law. How is that weird?” Garrett asked, tearing his gaze from Dain.

“Madoc hates Locke, he isn’t very happy about Taryn marrying him.”

“For what he did to you?” Van asked.

I snorted, “You’re overestimating him. Nah, he just thinks Locke is a stuck-up prick who doesn’t deserve everything he has.”

“Fair,” Lilliver murmured and I nodded my agreement.

“But Balekin?”

I shook my head, “You don’t know Madoc like I do. If he’s talking to Balekin and it’s not about just security stuff? It can’t be good. Throw Locke into the equation and anything could happen.”

“Great,” Van drawled with an exasperated eye roll.

“So, Jude,” Lilliver asked after a moment of silence. “You have a good outfit, right?”

~~~ A few hours later, I was sitting on my couch, crossing and uncrossing my legs, waiting for Vivi to be finished getting ready.

“Viv!” I yelled.

“Patience is a virtue!” She screeched back from the bathroom.

“Anybody that has time for patience is wasting their life,” I muttered to myself, trying to relax back into the couch unsuccessfully.

I was too stiff all over, shoulders tight, leg muscles straining as I dug the soles of my heels into the carpet as if trying to keep myself on the ground. I curled my fingers into the plush cushion of the couch.

I was wearing a gold dress and matching heels, a small handgun strapped to one thigh, a knife on the other. The slits up the legs of my dress would allow me to retrieve them but kept them hidden enough from prying eyes.

Vivi was taking too long. I rose slowly from my place on the couch and walked to the bathroom. Some Taylor Swift was playing from the Bluetooth speaker perched precariously on the windowsill and Vivi swayed to the beat, slivers of dying sunlight curling in through the window to wind around her gold curls. She was touching up her mascara so she didn’t look at me when I entered.

“I know I’m taking forever, but you should be thanking me for not making you go too early.” I rolled my eyes and leaned against the doorway, not saying anything in response.

Suddenly Taylor’s voice cut off as Vivi’s phone rang. “Can you get that?” She asked me, but I was already reaching for it. I had to twist my arm half under her upper body to get to the other side of the countertop but I eventually reached it and glanced at the caller ID.

“Heather,” I said.

Vivi looked away from the mirror to blink at me and I took that as my cue to answer.

“Hey, Heather,” I said.

“Jude?”

“Yeah. Vivi’s busy being narcissistic so you get to talk to me instead.”

Heather’s laugh sounded like a fairy. “That’s alright, you’re not bad to talk to.”

“Thanks for lying to me,” I replied, leaning against the doorway again. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah. I just knew the engagement party was soon and figured I’d talk to Vi now before she gets too drunk to do anything.” I snorted, “That’s a very fair assessment. We would’ve been at the party already but Vivi is taking forever.” The last word was louder and Vivi stuck her middle finger up at me without even turning to face me.

Vivi finally set down the mascara wand and turned to me with her hands on her hips before making a toddler-esque grabbing motion.

“Well Vivi’s finally done getting ready, but she wants to talk to you.”

Heather snorted, “Nice. Well, have fun at the party, Jude.”

It was my turn to snort.

Heather’s voice got softer, “It’ll all be fine. You don’t have to stay for very long, and maybe you can find something to distract yourself with.” Oh, I have something to do, alright.

“Thanks,” I muttered before handing Vivi the phone. “Hey, baby,” Vivi said immediately and I shook my head. She stuck her tongue out at me before turning away and I took that as my cue to leave the bathroom.

~~~~

I was physically unable to stay still.

Vivi and I didn’t own a real car, so we’d called an Uber, and sitting in the backseat, I was doing everything but stay still. Vivi kept side-eyeing me when she glanced away from her phone, but she hadn’t said anything.

I was bouncing my leg, tapping a rhythm on the door of the car, the seatbelt, the seat below me, my arms.

Vivi paused in her texting, probably to Heather, to clamp a hand on my knee. It didn’t do much to actually stop my movements but it got me to look at her. “Why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not,” I said stiffly and turned away.

Vivi sighed and took her hand off my knee. “You can talk to me, Jude.” She whispered.

I didn’t respond.

~~~

Locke lived in a mansion. I’d been there before but it was still impressive. What took away a bit of that was that I knew he hadn’t worked for it. He was just a rich kid, born and raised. Like all the others that had looked down on me my entire life.

He fit in with Cardan.

Vivi thanked our Uber driver as we stepped out of the car onto the winding stone pathway leading up to the front door.

As the car sped off Vivi linked her arm through mine and yanked me forward to start walking to the door.

“Stop looking at the house like it murdered your cat,” Vivi muttered, her arm tightening briefly around mine.

I tried to school my scowl into something more neutral. It wasn’t easy.

“We’re here for Taryn,” Vivi continued, “You might not even have to see him, or them together at all.”

I nodded mechanically as my eyes drifted to the window on the second floor that I knew belonged to Locke’s bedroom. Would he keep his secrets locked in there? Taryn could get in there, so maybe not, but it was worth a shot.

Some servants pushed open the door to let us inside and Vivi and I froze in the doorway. It looked like some kind of fancy 1800s ball, but with smaller dresses.

“Is that Elowyn?” Vivi whispered. I followed her gaze. It was, indeed, Elowyn Greenbriar in all her glory, perched near a huge window as if preparing to leap out and make a run for it soon. She was eyeing everyone with that look of judgment that seemed to be a Greenbriar birthright, looking more expensive than Locke’s mansion itself.

“I didn’t think she and Locke were that close.”

“It’s not just her,” I realized, as my eyes fell on Cealia, who was worming her way through the crowd of people to reach her sister.

But Vivi had noticed something else. “Nicasia’s here,” She hissed. “And she’s headed this way.”

Vivi and I’s arms were still linked so I tugged lightly and dragged us deeper into the house and crowd of people, effectively disappearing from Nicasia’s line of sight.

I wasn’t ready to deal with her quite yet.

I breathed deeply through my nose and snatched a glass of champagne off a tray nearby, scanning the room.

How could I slip away and snoop without being detected?

“Hey, Jude.” I tightened my grip on my flute of champagne and turned to face Nicasia. Her expression wasn’t pleasant, so I didn’t bother trying to act pleased to see her, either.

“Nicasia,” God. Why did she have to be so pretty, a long, flowing dress that was so many different shades of blue, I couldn’t even count them. It looked like it was tailored to fit her-it probably was, actually. It rippled as she moved, like ocean waves on the shore. Her hair was loose for the most part, aside from a few intricate braids woven in that she had curled around a single finger.

She plucked the champagne from my hand and sipped leisurely. It made my blood boil.

“I figured you’re one of the few people who hates being here as much as I do.”

I grudgingly nodded and her answering grin was sharp.

“Why are the Greenbriars here?” I blurted before I could think better of it.

Nicasia blinked at me before responding. “Because they’re Greenbriars. They do whatever they want when they want.”

It wasn’t a real answer and I had a feeling that she wasn’t just being difficult; she didn’t know, and hated that she didn’t know.

Well, Nicasia and I had something in common.

“Are they all here?” I asked.

She shook her head, “Balekin was here for a total of fifteen minutes before he vanished somewhere,” She gestured vaguely, lips turned down in disgust. “I haven’t seen Dain anywhere, but the girls are here. And Cardan,” She added, pretending like it was an afterthought.

My gaze automatically shot into the crowd, taking note of every face. But none of them were Cardan.

“Do you love Locke?” She asked scornfully.

“Do you?” I shot back, like we were third graders.

She rolled her eyes, “I’d rather crawl naked over glass.”

“Then you have my answer.”

She just looked at me for a beat

Nicasia drained the glass and thrust it back into my hand. She gave me a final judging once over before strutting off in the other direction.

~~~~~~ The next half hour was nothing but mingling; I had to make it clear I was here, that I supported this. After Nicasia had left me alone, I gritted my teeth and dove into the cage of hungry sharks.

I slipped back into the darkness, listened to aristocrats talk to each other, pretending they were all above each other and felt the weight of the gun shifting under my dress; the cold metal pulsed like it was branding me.

I pretended I was one of them; the lies felt warm and comforting on my tongue, honey on a warm summer afternoon.

The realization hit me like a truck: I couldn't entirely blame this on the Shadows' crash course training these past few weeks. I had always had the capacity for this; lying and manipulating and scheming came as effortlessly to me as breathing. I had been born for this. The thought should've been terrifying, but it settled beneath my heart, caged in my ribs with a comforting weight that couldn't be ignored.

“Excuse me,” I murmured and slipped away from the group I’d been attempting to charm.

Balekin hadn’t resurfaced and I wasn’t stupid enough to think he’d left the party entirely so as I slid along the walls of the second floor of Locke’s mansion, I kept my ears and eyes tuned to catch any and all movements.

Locke’s office.

Yes!

I glanced around, feeling like I was in some kind of cliche mafia movie before attempting to turn the door handle. Locked. Okay. Not great. I could work with it though.

Being Madoc’s daughter and Vivienne Duarte’s sister gave me access to an arsenal of weird abilities to use in a pinch.

I reached up to my hair before remembering I didn’t pull it up, so I turned my attention to my clutch, hoping there was a bobby pin or paper clip or something in there.

I’d let my guard down.

I heard his uneven steps coming towards me too late.

“My sweet nemesis,” Cardan slurred. “What do you think you’re doing?” ~~~

Tag List: (Let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@ladyofbloodandroses @cultofvamps @itsmentalbreakdownhours

[bettsfic]

hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things). 

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest. 

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not. 

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired. 

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself. 

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices. 

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.” 

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good. 

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish. 

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to. 

[dear-diary-where-is-my-soul]

Hey Diary,

It has been... almost a whole year? Idk. I’m here anyhow. I somehow got it into my head that when high school was over, I would somehow become magically no longer mentally ill. That didn’t happen, obviously. So here I am. I did a bit of digging and I think I have ADHD (Which I like to call dopamine deficiency) and also ASD (Which I like to call a pain in my ass). I’m just kidding, they’re both a pain in my ass. But at least I know what it’s called. I can kind of manage it now because I spent hours looking for management plans that work for both ADHD and Autism, and seeing what worked for me. I know for a fact that I have Anxiety (Of the social variant - possibly tied to autism) and depression (That I’ve had since age 12 - about 6 years). I thought I was over my anorexia but it keeps pestering in the back of my mind. I’m eating now, but it still isn’t 3 meals a day. It’s not ‘healthy’ meals but it’s better than nothing. I still think that sometimes I’m not worth the food. My boyfriend (The same boyfriend) is a really good cook. His food is so good. But neither of us can eat it.   I moved out for a short while, about 4 months. I moved in with my boyfriend, who moved in about 9 or so months before me, with his ‘dad’ (Non-bio, no longer dating [Boyfriends] mother). During those 4 months, I spent more than 1000′s dollars in savings not to mention my Centrelink payments, which only started during the second month [half of what my boyfriend was getting], to trying to keep me and my boyfriend alive. Which would’ve been way easier if I didn’t need to spend over 500 dollars in taxi fees because his dad didn’t know when to stop drinking. So, a little bit of extra kicked in the fucking balls, Before I moved in, I was told that I wouldn’t need to worry about rent until my Centrelink payments were sorted. But, when we move out, my boyfriend sold his bike and 650 of that money was given to his dad because he was keeping track of how long I didn’t pay rent for and said I owned it to him. Even Though my boyfriend offered 2/3 of my rent (Plus his own) every payday. We were both told that it was fine and that we didn’t have to worry about it.  He always complained about me being anti-social. Which was really fucking clear to begin with. I never said that I would be interacting with him more than what was comfortable. This was his main excuse for drinking. But, until I moved in he completely ignored my boyfriends attempts to be social with him.  He wasn’t my type of person. Conservative, mid 40′s, cis-het, white man with ASD and previous alcohol and drug use problems. AKA ‘There’s nothing wrong with the world you’re just to sensitive, men are men and women are women nothing will change that, except don’t move my living room around because that’s too much for me to handle’.  He used to scream at my boyfriend that he isn’t a real guy, but got upset when my boyfriend then put distance between them to not get any more hurt and depressed. I hated it. I can’t handle any loud noises or anything like that. It sends me up the wall with anxiety and I’m very easily over stimulated. Unfortunately, our roommate did not get over stimulated easily and really like heavy metal, which he would play unbearably loud until 2-3 AM on the weekends. He also nearly broke our bedroom door several times. He would scream insults at us through the door and while outside our window (which had a little undercover deck-type-thing, where he drank himself stupid).  Me and my boyfriend took a two week holiday up back to our home town, because my boyfriend was having stress-induced Seizures. He was having full-on whole-body fits every 2-3 days that lasted about 5 minutes (These have stopped since we moved out). Anyway, we got back home, being dropped off by my bf’s mum,( who has since very much mellowed out [about my boyfriend being trans] by having another kid, this kid is nearly 18 months old, has some kind of IBS [Unconfirmed as of yet, but he is in a lot of pain]). We put away the few bits of shopping we got, as we were band from touching our roommates food over a month before because he was asked not to eat ours (Not true, but he did use a full packet of our cheese [7 or 8 bucks per packet] in one meal that neither me or my boyfriend liked or could eat, which we were talking about to my boyfriends mother who mentioned it). He also said that we accused him of stealing and shit like that (We didn’t). But anyway, We make dinner because it was around 5;30 or so and we didn’t eat lunch. We put of a movie in the background and my boyfriend goes out for a cigarette on the deck-thing and when he comes back in he tells my that our roommate has been drinking but will stop soon because we’re home.  8:30 comes around, me and my bf are heading to bed with the same movie on in the background and that’s when the screaming starts. 20 whole minutes of our roommate screaming “FAGGOTS” to try to get our attention. During this time, we call my bf’s mum, who is still in town because she had a doctors appointment the next day, staying at my bf’s nans house. We then get up, grab our still-packed from our two week trip (day)bags, and wall ten minutes away to the shopping centre near-by and call a taxi.  During that night, our (ex)roommate texted my bfs mum basically saying that we are ‘kicked out’ and that he hates all of us. This isn’t the first time this has happened but it is definitely the last. We went back, the next day while he was at work, grabbed our other bags and a few of the essential items we wanted for the next week or so. Our landlord (ex-roommates mother) said that everything was fine to stay there until we could get it picked up within the next two months or so. She offered to pack it all up for us as well, which we accepted because neither of us wanted to go back to that house again.  We haven’t been there, or seen him since. My bf’s mother’s bf went with my brother to pick up all of the rest of our stuff a week after we left. We set back up in my home town, now both of us have been ripped away from our new doctors, our counsellors and my new therapist less than a week before my first appointment (which I now do via telehealth [phone/video calls]). This was about a month ago. me and my bf now have set up and pay for our internet ourselves and I got a disney+ subscription because I'm obsessed with feeling the safety I felt during childhood.  Anyway, I live with my boyfriend and his mum and her boyfriend and their 1 year old. Both of my parents live in this town but we’ve been in lock down and I haven’t been able to see them. I feel like I’m drowning because I don’t go outside. I used to walk with my boyfriend, but because he has several chronic health issues we can’t risk him going outside and he can not exercise as much as either of us would like due to chronic pains (And a busted knee which he has scans for in a fortnight or so). I’m in an online course, which was fully government subsidized due to the amount of people who need training or retraining after Covid-19. I really like it, and it is making me think more harshly about wanting to start a business. However, I don’t think I can do the assessments. Almost all of them seem to require me being social on the online group chats, and it fuels my social anxiety so much I didn’t do anything to my course for a whole month. And this whole thing was a way to help me get rid of those feelings, but I still don’t know what to do. How do I word it to the teachers? I haven’t talked to any of them before and it might seem like I just don’t want to put in the work in the social aspects of my assessments because I don’t have a diagnoses.  This sucks. I can barely sit my ass down and read through the work as it is. Then I start thinking about how I'm 1 quarter of the way through this course and haven’t brought myself to do a single assessment. Then I freak out over how much I’ve done (or haven’t done) and don’t end up doing the work. 

[thedappleddragon]

hooooo my fucking god I don't know why but recently my anxiety/sence of dread has SKYROCKETED in the last 3 days, I haven't been sleeping great and last night I had an anxiety dream about manning the register at work. idk I guess today was fine but im so fucking overstimulated I guess?? I seriously just dont fuking know. but anyway here’s a summary of some days that I may or may not remember. putting it under the cut

Wednesday I was exited to work, they didn’t need me, I hung out with my friends at their outdoor band concert and had boba and it got super cold out

Thursday I went with my dad to drop off a car, then we had breakfast together at a little restaurant I had never been to before. He told me about his childhood n stuff. Then I went to work and priced things outside and felt good about helping some people buy plants even tho I didn’t know exactly what I was doing and ended up handing them off to Becky anyway. Got off work, came home, hung out waiting to be able to go visit my friend but she took a while so dad and I made the snack he had a lot as a kid which was just handmade chocolate frosting on graham crackers. Eventually my friend got home so I grabbed one of those graham crackers in some Tupperware and some other stuff and headed out. It was a longer drive than I was expecting but eh whatever, I got there no problem with a bunch of dad’s shit in the back of the car. We had awkward hellos in her apartment and I pet her fat ass cat until she suggested we go thrifting and oh my god I had never wanted to go thrifting more in my life than right then. I had one of those moments where I realized oh I’m an adult who can go out and just DO things :D so we walked around and gossiped in goodwil and had a great time until they closed, whereupon steph frantically looked for anything that was open near us while I drove around. We settled on going to a little park nearby, where we climbed on the tube with holes on it and swung on the swings. Then we walked around a dense tree/brush like and into the middle of a field, having our main character moments as we walked to the top of a hill with a cross on it. I took a picture of the sunset and a selfie with both of us before we walked back through the field and drove back to her apartment. I gave her 2 tiny flower jars and she let me borrow her container of earring hardware and a bunch of different tiny things to make into earrings. I had a great time and I’d love to hang out again, maybe when everything isn’t closed lmao. We joked a lot about understanding why people do drugs lmao since there’s nothing else to do! everything’s closed!! Also some joke flirting mixed in for flavor. We have an excuse to hang out again so I can return her earring supplies and she can return my Tupperware lol. I thought my phone was going to die on the way home before I realized there was a charging cord in the car! Nice. Got home, watched my friend stream plasmaphobia for a bit while I finished a birthday gift, and hung out and slept when she quit streaming. 

Friend’s birthday party day!! Also dad moving day!! The first task of the day was to drive with my dad down to the nearest uhaul to pick up a big ol’ truck, and follow him home in the car while he lead the way in the truck. Then we brought his car full of shit to the apartment, got his key and paid his first month, and looked through everything to do inspection. Tbh it’s a pretty nice apartment, I’d love to spend some time there once it’s a bit more furnished. My favorite part is a Harry Potter style hidey hole closet that’s meant for storage, but it’s the perfect size for a secluded hangout spot for me. I’ll totally let him use it for storage if he wants, I just like sitting in there. I joked that I would let Emily hang out in the spare bedroom and I could get the tiny room. But we spent time cleaning and looking around and bringing in boxes before dad sent me to pick up lunch, my sister, and another car load of boxes. I left to do all 3 and came back with Mcallisters, and we all sat on the floor and ate together. A very nice way to break in a new apartment. We brought in boxes and dad sent us on a quest to pick up a car part and drop it off where the car we dropped off the day before. We got there just fine, but getting to the second location was a nightmare because of all my wrong turns and u turns and no left turns, it was awful. I mean we got there eventually but still. By then it was time for me to get home so I could wash my hair and get ready for the party!! I got everything ready, but my sister wouldn’t be home with the car on time, so I just took my mom’s van. I was on time for once!! But in exchange I didn’t realize I had forgotten Cassidy’s gift until I was like 3 minutes away. But also I found driving my moms van very easy compared to last time I tried to drive it, and I think I’m a much more confident driver now :) but I was one of the first to arrive, accidentally twinned with cass, waited for everyone to show up, met her new dog, and then we all packed up the picnic basket and walked to the top of a hill to have our little sandwiches and play cards against humanity. On the walk there we passed by a park where little kids were asking why we were all dressed up if it wasn’t Halloween, so I shouted at them that it was her birthday and handed them the branch I was carrying. We played CAH on the hill and ate little sandwiches and meatballs and drank sparkling juice and had a lovely time, and when we were done, we walked back to her house where there was pizza and we all changed out of our formal wear. My bra was sewed into my dress with 6 stitches, so I grabbed some scissors and flashed my friend’s cat as I cut my bra free of the dress because I forgot to bring an extra. I changed into my ghostbusters shirt and snake onesie and joined everyone outside for pizza and lots and lots of stories and ice cream cake and gossip and quiplash and balloons and gifts and CAH and friends leaving and new friends arriving and more quiplash and then the grass getting cold and wet and going ham on keeping the balloons up and then playing that’s what she said (basically CAH but ✨for women ✨) and by this time there was a dude I didn’t know but he was very nice and cute and already taken. Tbh I didn’t know half the people there, there was a group of 4 cool alt people I had never met and then the 4 band kids I already knew but everyone else seemed to know each other and they all had great energy so I yelled a lot and joked a ton and had an amazing time. As the crowd dwindled and the night got cooler, I helped put things away before I left so I could be a nice guest, said my goodbyes, gathered my things, and drove home past midnight. Ask walked around the house turning off lights like my mom asked, I realized that my dad wouldn’t be sleeping here anymore, and I felt bad that he had to spend the night all alone in his new apartment :( and this is going to be a huge financial burden that idk if he can afford, rent for the apartment is almost as much as my mom pays for the house. Jejdjgjt this is all a mess and I would like to go back to ignoring it all <3 Listened to a lot of two trucks by lemon demon lmao

Hoo boy howdy I did a lot of shit today. Basically as soon as I woke up I got a text from dad about us helping him move with a promise of donut holes and a fruit platter. I walked out to the garage to find our family friends the drakes helping to move boxes, so we all spent several hours loading boxes into our cars and driving back and forth from the house to the apartment, with emily and I avoiding the drakes as much as possible lmao. When we had moved as much as we could in the car, we started loading up the uhaul, shoving as much shit in there as possible so we only had to do one trip there and back. Partially through unloading the truck the drakes stopped cleaning things before we brought them in left and some randos from dad’s work came to help unload and somewhere in the middle of all this our aunt and uncle and her service dog came to visit?? Bruh idk so much stuff happened. Emily asked me to take her home so she could work on school stuff and we put things back into the garage and I went back to the apartment to help with stuff and hang out with my aunt while my dad and uncle returned the truck. We made a list of stuff I might need for college and I wrote it down on a notepad and most of the page space was taken up by ponies tbh. The men brought back burger king and eventually my aunt and uncle left. I helped my dad clean up and set up his wifi and we watched mama Mia. It was my first time seeing the film, and it was really dang fun. Then I made dad drive me ho e since emily was still gone with the silver car. I’ll spend he night over there eventually, but not yet. I’m exited to eventually invite friends over since I’ve never been able to do that before. So now I’m home trying g to go to sleep so I can work tomorrow. I keep thinking about smoking weed and making out with someone in the hidey hole in dad’s apartment............ even tho I have literally no one to do that with afsagssg I’m a CHILD. 

Had dreams last night about being stuck on the infinity train again, except there was a mechanic of switching the world between 2d and 3d and the cast of Bluey had to help bingo go through stages of grief / character moments to help her get off the train or something. I was tossing and turning for a few hours anxiously waking up thinking I was gonna be late and going back to bed so I could sleep/dream more. But then I finally got up, fed my cat, fed myself, helped clean the kitchen a little bit, got ready for work, arrived 15 minutes late on accident, worked register for 6 hours, got more comfortable with register and learned how to do stuff, lots of friendly people, lots of me struggling and my bones hurting, dad brought me food but I couldn’t get to my lunch break until everything was room temperature. The chicken sandwich reheated well but the fries did not. After work dad and I stopped by the house, I got an info card to fill out so I can be called in for jury duty eventually, dad handed me $50 for dinner for us and my sister, we laid on the floor and looked at the noodles and company menu, drove there, picked up our food, had a lovely dinner at dad’s apartment, laid around while he talked to Greg on the phone, went to target to pick up small apartment things like a clock and a trash can and some small groceries but it made me nervous because I hate spending money and watching my dad spend money he may or may not have, and by then we were tired as shit and after dropping his stuff off emily and I drove home and I tried teaching her how to crochet for a school project. Now I’m hanging out wanting to go to bed and thinking about how everybody else my age working at ACE is doing like 60 hours a week with 2 jobs and saving for college and I’m just sitting here with probably 14 hours a week and fuck. I don’t want to spiral into shit, I just want to keep busy as much as possible. Maybe I’ll ask for as many work hours as possible, maybe I’ll ask my friends to hang out, idk. Right now I jut want to be busy so I don’t have to think about anything. I’ll spend as much time as possible helping my dad set up his apartment, I don’t care.

WAAAAA TODAY AT WORK WAS SO STRESSFUL, I LEFT FELLNG SO FRAZZLED IT SUCKED. basically I worked register for 4 hours but they’re all trying to ween me off asking for help to get me more comfortable, and we were surprisingly busy, and my garden boss becky asked me to do 2 extra things and my boss boss kept asking about paperwork that I couldn't fill out because I needed my sister to text me something, and an old man got mad at me over the phone because no-one was out there to fill his propane tank and I had a lady waiting for 10 minutes for someone to help load salt into her car and a middle aged man tried to use sarcasm at me while I was in friendly cashier mode aND IM SORRY I HAVE ADHD I DONT GET IT PLEASE S T O P and I tried answering the phone more and I didnt get the things done that becky asked and I left shit there because I just wanteD OUT. afterwards I went to target to get something, idk im writing this afterwards so I not really remember 

and today, my day off. ugh god I dont remember what I did, I know I picked up a vent for my mom’s bathroom and I just went to go get Taco Bell with my sister and bought her some more about crocheting and she’s making progress :) tomorrow is my friend’s birthday and last year I made her a felt doll of her fursona, so today I started making a crochet doll for her. so far I have the body and libs, but I still need to make the muzzle, tail, ears, attach everything, and hand-sew on all the markings and glue on button eyes. or maybe felt eyes, idk. my stomach hurts and I got upset because I told my mom my cat may be sick because her pee looked suspicious so I crocheted and watched my little pony and now I have a headache and im just trying to listen to music but really I just want to watch 50 arms videos at once but it wasn't loading right and idk man I dont know what’s happening, I may be going into work tomorrow. I think now that I have a job to do 3-4 times a week, I dont feel like I can just chill and wing it anymore, it’s like I have plans forever now. and oh god I still have to sig up for college orientation night or whatever, but my mind hasn'tt been on college for like a month or longer. I think im just going to take some Advil and try to relax with my cat and my music. holy shit dude. I know none’s gonna read this but just. fuck. also I should really post these more frequently rather than let them pile up in my texts. thinking about going back and adding all the dates like I did with my early quarantine diary, but that feels like a lot of work

[heavenlysan]

Cruel Love [6]

Mafialeader!San | Detective!Reader | Soulmates | Choi San x female reader | NSFW!!! | Explicit language | T/W Harassment, Light violence and mentions of blood |

Words: 4,3k

Chapters:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |

(Y/N'S POV)

The last ray of dim light disappeared after closing the door I rest against the door holding my chest trying to control the unknown things happening inside of me I look through the peephole and he's still there he stares blankly into space while touching his lips he smiles so big and raises one of his hands in victory he's happy? 

I go to bed thinking about how San is nothing like Irene's report portrayed him or at least he hasn't showed that side yet. He is a caring man who blushes easily. I feel my old phone vibrating under the mattress and I hurry up to see who it is if it's Irene I'm doomed.

"Hello?"

"Hey y/n how is the fake life going?" I sigh relieved after hearing Dylan's voice.

"Are you drunk or dumb? We're not supposed to have contact"

"I know" He laughs loudly "I just don't know if you remember that I'm working on your last case and one of the papers is missing I wanted to know if you still have it or if I have to ask our boss"

"Really? I left everything organised it shouldn't be missing but I probably messed up without realising it probably is in my apartment" I scratch my head trying to remember.

"Can I go to your old apartment to pick it up then?" He asks.

"Sure ask the doorman to open the door for you I'll call to let them know you're passing by" It's completely okay it's not the first time he does it I've known Dylan for two years almost three and it's not the first time he's there without me being present.

"Okay I'll call you after getting them, take care y/n" He ends the call.

I feel so troubled I feel really tired but I have to stay up to write a report that I don't even know where to start. Tonight San didn't show a single sign of him being a criminal we talked about our life and the FBI is surely not interested in his childhood. He did showed signs of his wealth the earrings, his expensive car and renting a whole planetarium just for us. I search around on the Internet to find how much the earrings are and my jaw drops as soon as I see the price 14,995 dollars. He must have a lot of money if he can do that casually buying expensive jewelry like it's candy. Me being an average human getting an average paycheck can't understand how he can spend that much on a woman he just met? My phone rings again, it's Dylan but is just a message this time.

Damn you must have been on a huge rush to leave your apartment like that 😭 since you can't come back for idk how long I'll clean it and tidy this place up for you but you owe me one.

What is he talking about? I call him immediately but he doesn't answer. What is he doing? I try again but it sends me to voicemail his message was sent only seconds ago why can't he pick up? But I try not to worry and just send him a message.

What do you mean? you're so dramatic not all of us are perfectionists and clean as you are I left my apartment as it always is and answer your phone I called you twice!!

I go back to my report and I write the little information I have I know Irene is going to yell at me because she gave me specific instructions of writing an extremely detailed report but the only thing I have is evidence of his wealth besides I'm doing a good job San is opening up and the whole point is gaining his trust Irene said it herself San was hard to find and me getting this close is in fact more than she expected.

I rest my head on the desk just to close my eyes for a little moment the tiredness is a lot but I have to keep on writing.

…

The sun dazzled me and I straighten up in my seat fuck I was supposed to just rest my eyes for a moment but I fell asleep. I stretch my arms and legs and I feel good It's been a long time since I've slept so well. My heart starts beating fast when I hear a knock on the door and I get up so fast to open just to find Irene on the other side.

"You must have had a rough night you look…" She looks at me from head to toes and tries to find non-offensive words or at least that's what she looks like. "Anyways remember my instructions? I'm here to see your report"

I don't really say anything to her I just guide her to my desk and give her the report.

"This is just" She holds the bridge of her nose and laughs then breaks the paper in half and throws it away "You think this is a joke? We don't give a shit about his money we're losing time" She yells at me, she looks furious.

I would usually lower my head and be a good employee but today that's not the case. "Don't you see? This is useful for the case knowing about his wealth we can get an idea of what he's doing find his credit history and see what business he's involved in" I yell back at her and she looks surprised "At least I'm getting things done you along with the rest of the FBI have been trying for too long to reach him but you failed you should be thankful I was able to get this close"

She's about to leave but turns back to look at me "Show me what you recorded"

Fuck not again.

"I wasn't able to get much" I get the earrings and I connect them to her laptop.

She tenses when she sees his face. In the short video I was able to get there he was it only showed when he gave me the flowers and the diamond earrings and before the video ends it shows how he took off my detective earrings.

"Flowers and diamond rings? You had a date with him right after you guys had sex? Seriously? Isn't supposed to be date and then sex" She says with saltiness in her voice.

"Listen, I'm aware that you're my superior and I should show you some respect but if you want that I want respect back if I had or didn't have sex with him that is the point of the investigation get close gain his trust so I don't know what you're getting so mad for but if you're really itching to know no, I didn't have sex with San"

"San? So you’re that close now" She nods and laughs sarcastically "Sure whatever you say I'll be back in a couple of days" She gets up to finally leave and I couldn't be happier about it "And y/n next time make sure to write something actually useful"

I sit on the couch for a moment, letting out a big sigh of frustration and anger why was she so mad about all of this? from the beginning she knew this wasn't going to be easy. My head hurts because all of this and I just lay back on the couch. I stare at the ceiling for too long my mind completely blank the last words she said definitely hit a nerve make sure to write something actually useful it remind me of stuff from my childhood and I get mad again can't she see I'm trying my best?.

I get up again to the kitchen to finally eat something and see if that can stop my headache but my phone starts ringing. It's an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Hi is this y/n?" Says a woman but there's a little bit of noise and I can't recognise her voice.

"Yeah it's me who is this?"

"Hi it's Lucy the tall girl from the bar I'm sorry if I catch you in a bad time but our boss isn't gonna be around for a few days and whenever he isn't around I'm in charge I was wondering if you could come to the bar earlier and help me with some stuff"

I think about it for a moment and I don't really want to go to that bar ever again but it's not like I have any other choice "Sure at what time do you want me there?"

"Around 4pm or earlier if you can, I hate being in charge here so if you can come earlier I'll really appreciate it"

"Okay I'll be there"

"Thank you new girl" She says and I end the call.

This is just fucking perfect the last time I was there, my confidence was left on the floor, I hated the way I had been treated. But I also wonder why the boss isn't gonna be around? He must be sick I guess.

I wonder if San is gonna be there tonight but that I remember he only goes there only once or twice per week so he might not be there tonight.

I take a shower and after that I finally eat something, but there's not much left to eat for the next week and there wasn't much food to begin with so I'm obligated to leave and get the groceries. I put on a hoodie some old jeans and I leave.

There's not many people in this neighbourhood it's nothing like my old one in my old building there was always noise always if it wasn't a couple fighting it was babies crying or if it wasn't that it was the same couple having loud sex in plain daylight. This neighbourhood it's nothing like that I've been walking and so far I've only seen one old lady taking out her trash.

"What are you doing outside gorgeous" Says a man but I don't even bother to turn around and I just keep walking. "Can't you see it's dangerous to be alone a girl with an ass like yours isn't safe anywhere" I feel disgusted and I just rush my steps. "Stop ignoring me dirty slut I've been observing you the other day you left with a short dress that made me so hard are you a whore beautiful? Because I'll gladly pay for your services"

I stop walking and I turn around to face him "Leave me alone or I'll scream"

"That won't do much honey have you seen this place? it's empty as fuck even if you scream for help nobody is gonna come and save you" He tries to get closer to me but I take a step back. "Come on gorgeous I just want a little taste of that pussy of yours you're a whore you want it too you're probably getting wet right now"

I've had enough of this man this time I'm the one that gets closer to him he probably thinks he got me, as soon as he lowers his guard I punch him in the face. He holds his nose and sees the blood in his hand and looks shocked "What did you call me? A whore? I'll show you what a whore can do then" I punch him again.

The man looks pissed but he doesn't stay for too long and runs away. He messed up with a good trained detective after all.

I finally get to the convenience store and get enough stuff for the next week.

"Your total would be" The cashier looks down at my hand "Are you okay!?" I get confused to what he means and I look at my hand and it's turning green and purple and there's some of my own blood I don't remember punching that man that much?.

"I'm okay thank you" I pay and I don't even bother to get my change I get out of there.

I hurry and I run as fast as I can to be safe, if that man appears again with this hand I won't be able to do much to defend myself. I get there and I close the door behind me completely breathless for running so much. I walk to the bathroom to wash and disinfect my hand, with eyes closed and itching pain I put a bandage on my hand. I've hit people before and my hand has never ended like this did I… punch him more than I remember?

I stay in the kitchen trying to rewind the tape but I only remember punching him twice and then he just ran away… But the blood on his face and my hand doesn't match up with my memories.

I glance at the clock 2pm I should start getting ready to head to the bar. I do my make up first a not so heavy smokey eye and red lipstick. I wear a short backless long sleeved black dress I'm gonna be cold at night but the other dresses are just as short and skin revealing as this one so there's no big difference. I eat something quickly before leaving and I just close the door.

With not so much enthusiasm I drive to the bar and I drive as slow as possible I don't want to be there and I don't want to be there this early. My hand still hurts I move the bandage a little and my hand still has a purple greenish color I knew it wasn't going to heal right away but I was hoping for a miracle because it's definitely going to draw attention.

I get there and in my head I definitely had thought that Lucy had called all the girls to help her too but we're all alone and as soon as she spots me Lucy gets so happy.

"y/n thank God you're here I was hoping to see you even earlier but it's okay, we're opening in a few hours and we need to get this place ready"

"You mean like clean and other stuff?" She nods "What happened to everyone doesn't this place already have another employees to get it ready?"

"Yes but I'm a woman and whenever I'm in charge not a single male employee does what I order they only listen to our boss and if he isn't around here they don't even bother to show up till it's time to open"

"Seriously? They sound pathetic" Lucy looks really stressed.

"I know right that's why I called you the other girls usually sleep all day to work all night so I got really glad we you picked up your phone I'll do most of the work inside but if you could wait outside for a delivery"

"Lucy, it's okay just breath for a moment" I hold her shoulders and she takes a deep breath "and relax we can do all the work on our own don't worry"

"Thank you y/n if you ever wanna go shopping or something, give me a call it'll be my treat"

I go outside as she asks me to but she didn't even mention what am I supposed to receive but I didn't want to give her more trouble.

I wait for a long time but there's no sign of any delivery the worst part is that it's a little bit cloudy it might rain in a few hours and I'm starting to get cold.

I sit on the edge of the sidewalk when I see a big truck parking next to the bar. Is that it? A man starts walking towards me and that confirms it.

"We got your boxes of Tequila Ley .925, Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne, Diva Vodka, Dalmore 62 that's a special one I've heard it's good ma'am and the last one is Penfold Ampoule just sign here please" Those are brand names? Even the names sound ridiculously expensive. I do as he says and he and another man start getting the boxes out of the truck.

"Now I know why Lucy preferred cleaning inside." I'm left with over forty boxes of expensive liquor that I'm supposed to move from the parking lot to the cellar. I take off my heels so I don't fall down the stairs and break the bottles and my ankles. This is definitely more tough that it looks like I keep going up and down till there's no more boxes on the parking lot I'm left exhausted with trembling legs and arms and I already want to go and take a long nap.

I lay on one of the red velvet sofas and Lucy sits in front of me

"Why you didn't call me to help you?" She was already so stressed and I didn't want to be a burden but I don't say anything "Our boss never makes such big orders unless a big event is coming I didn't know you'll be left with so many boxes and I also didn't see your injured hand I'm sorry" She sounds sincere and I just give her a smile.

"Don't worry about it I needed some exercise"

"But we can't stay here we're actually late to open so I need you to get up"

"What time is it? Did I already take that long?"

"It's 7pm we were supposed to open an hour ago but It's not your fault it was actually mine I took to long washing all the wine glasses"

She gets to the door and removes the lock and I just want the sofa to absorb me or something. It doesn't take too long for the other employees and the rest of the girls to finally get here and after around 30 min this place looks exactly like the first time I saw it. Men everywhere drinking and playing either darts or billiards.

I look around to find Lucy and she's already talking with a man.

So far I'm thankful nobody has asked me to have sex the only men who have approached me was just to flirt, invite me a drink and play billiards even if it was just so they could see my butt it's better than have sex with nasty drunk men.

I leave to the bathroom to get some air and stay away from the noise for a few minutes my knuckles hurt more than they did earlier. Carrying boxes all afternoon was obviously a terrible idea.

I go back and I see a familiar face it's San's friend Wooyoung and another man I don't know I try to avoid him seeing me but it's too late when I hear him calling me.

"You're the girl from the other night aren't you? What was your name" He closes his eyes "y/n! Right!" Shouts Wooyoung and I get closer so he doesn't have to be so loud.

"She's y/n? now I understand" Says the man next to Wooyoung even if they're sitting I can tell he is taller than him.

"Mingi don't be annoying" He tries not to laugh it looks like they're already drunk "By the way we couldn't convince San to come tonight but let me give him a quick call and let him know you're here"

"No no you don't have to" I try to stop him but he already has his phone out.

"San guess who's here she wants to see you" He laughs again he is definitely drunk but not a bad type of drunk. "He hung up on me I can't believe this bastard but don't worry y/n he's probably on his way"

A girl walks past Wooyoung and he forgets about my existence I think it's the same girl he was with last time but I can't remember her name. I look around and the other tall man Mingi left too.

Men keep inviting me drinks I definitely feel uncomfortable but again I rather this than sex. And I also start feeling a little dizzy.

"I can't believe San started liking another girl" I hear a deep voice that startles me I turn around to face him and it's Mingi. "After all he went through I thought this whole women thing was over for him but…"

One of the girls approaches me interrupting Mingi "A man paid for you he is waiting in the golden VIP room and please hurry we can't afford losing a client tonight" I look at Mingi and makes a gesture that indicates that it's okay.

I celebrated too early men not paying for me I jinxed it completely what am I gonna do? I don't want to do this. I walk through the green neoned hallway and I slowly open the door of the golden VIP room.

"I heard you wanted to see me"

A sigh of relief leaves my mouth when I see San. He looks so good he's wearing a black coat that makes him look so mysterious and elegant.

"Actually that was your friend Wooyoung" I say resting my back against the door.

"That's what I thought princess but I couldn't pass the opportunity to see you"

"Mr Choi San I don't know if you remember but the other night I got instructions to treat you like a God.”

He gets closer to me and the smell of whiskey fills the air. He wraps me with his arms and lifts me up I wrap my legs around his waist but he just looks at me with lust in his eyes I take the initiative and kiss him softly. And that feeling appears again it's unknown yet familiar and exciting. I remember where we are and if we're gonna do it I don't want it to be here.

"San let's go to another place." I say and San nods but before opening the door he pulls down my dress as it was before. He holds my non-injured hand and guides me outside where the rain takes us by surprise and we hurry to his car.

"Do you want to go to your house or my house" He asks and I smirk at him getting closer.

"Truth is I can't wait any longer" That's the alcohol talking for me. Those are enough words for San. We jump to the back seat and I sit on his lap he probably sees the desperation in my eyes because he tilts my chin up and kisses me. It’s rough but slow, he has his hands around my hips and I start teasing him grinding against his bulge.

"Princess…" He moans and that sounds so good.

It was obvious that both of us were drunk but none of that mattered right now. I desired him and he desired me. He switched positions resting my back on the seat, now he was on top. He takes off his coat he has a white shirt and black suspenders but my hands are faster than his and I unbutton his shirt revealing his abbs. I leave a trail of kisses first his lips and then his neck then his chest going lower and lower till I reach his pants I glance at him one last time he has his hands on my head caressing my hair. Without hesitation I unbuckle his belt and bring down his pants along with his boxers revealing how hard he is I kiss just the tip and he throws his head back I can feel how desperate he's getting.

"San you want me to keep going?" I whisper and he just nods. "What do you want me to do?"

"Princess please keep going I'm begging you" He sounds so desperate but I do as he says and I take it all at once. He moans aggressively and that makes me so wet, I can feel his legs twitching. He starts pushing my head and playing with my hair I go slow to tease him "You feel so good around me princess don't stop" I start going faster and faster I couldn’t get enough of him he felt so good. "Oh fuck" He groans and looks at me with a smile and kisses me right away. I couldn't believe all of this but I didn't want to stop either. He takes off my dress and I feel so exposed that I start blushing "You're beautiful princess" He's on top of me again I feel like my heart is gonna jump out of me anytime now. He kisses me roughly but there's tenderness in the way he does it. His hands go from my neck to my chest I feel like crying I'm desperate I want him inside of me.

"San please"

"I like that, keep doing that say my name princess" I feel the tip in my entrance God I can't do this anymore I want him inside of me now.

"San please fuck me" I wanted him in me, all at once I didn't care. His weight on top of me felt nice I wanted him even closer even deeper. "Hush" he said, and he kissed my eyelids, then my lips. His strong and gentle hands began to stroke me, his hands, his lips, his tongue this felt like heaven. He pushed further inside of me gentle. Knowing what he was doing. I felt my nipples rise, and it startled me, I felt like I was going to break in half. But it was worth it. He moved his hips faster and I was a moaning mess. I looked directly into his eyes and he held down both of my hands while leaving soft kisses on my lips. He was rhythmic, gentle, moving down my body.

San was making me feel yet another unknown feeling it felt strange and new but it felt extremely good. I throw my head back and let out one last moan there was a sharp brief pain It felt like a big explosion inside of me and then a sweet spasm went through me, no more pain just San's sweetness and tenderness.

[sunflowervolvimp3]

Well I imagine Liam did that because unless your name is Niall horan or Harry styles interviewers only care about his one direction days they discuss his first album success the ask about 1d and if he tries not to discuss the band people assume somethings wrong between him and the boys and answering questions about them/ praising them apparently leads people to think his album wasn’t good enough and he wants clout. Even though it was his band too and he can discuss it however he chooses.

In regards to age difference Liam is only 6 years older than his fiancé, Taylor was 4 years older than Harry when they dated, not to mention he’s also been linked to Caroline, Nicole scherzinger, and coucou who might I add is 8 years older than him. You may not like his music or his actions but we can’t praise Harry and shame Liam when the behavior is pretty much the same.

alrighty i wasn’t even going to respond to this at first because we’ve had this debate so many times and i am truly tired of having it so point blank period. i’m not a fan of liam. i don’t like his new music and i don’t really care about him so if that’s an issue for you then you can just stop following my account and we can both save some time and go our separate ways!!!! but what you said about the age thing caught my attention so i wanted to address that.

when i talk about big age gaps in relationships being strange to me, there are three things i consider: how old each person is in relation to the other, where they are at in their lives, and how does all of that affect a power balance in the relationship.

you mentioned harry’s past relationships, which have had larger gaps, and i’m glad you did!! however, you’re incorrect in saying i praise harry and shame liam for the same behaviour, because the behaviour is not the same. in a relationship with a large age gap, the fault always falls on the person who is older. i don’t care how mature you think someone is, or how grown up they seem, because you, as the older person, should be able to remember what you were like at that age, realize how much you’ve grown, and see that that younger person is at a different stage in their life.

so let’s talk about those three things i mentioned shall we!! to begin in broad aspects, i don’t think age gaps in relationships are inherently unhealthy, depending on how old each person is and what stage of life they are in. a four year age gap is illegal and predatory when the two people are 15 and 19, but at 28 and 32? that’s perfectly fine, because it is 1.) legal!! and 2.) a gap where both people are still in the same stage of their lives!! each person has finished puberty, maybe gone to university, maybe has a career, maybe has an apartment, but either way: they are both within the same stage of their lives. a 6 year age gap between a 14 year old and a 20 year old is predatory. an age gap between a 26 year old and a 32 year old?? could be a little big, but they’ve still completed a lot of the same milestones!! they’re both adults, they’ve both made it through their early 20s, they’ve both been out of school and seen the world!! 

now. liam is 26 and his girlfriend is 20, and they started dating at when liam was 24 and she was 18. at 24, liam had been in the spotlight for roughly eight years, released multiple albums, gone on multiple world tours, made millions of dollars, and had become recognizable by sight, if not by name.

and his girlfriend had just graduated high school.

try to wrap your head around that for a minute. think about what you were like when you graduated high school. how you saw the world. how you thought you knew the world. think about how a month before, you had to ask permission to use the bathroom. think about how a lot of people graduating were still growing, still developing, and still learning how to think for themselves. 

let’s say liam wasn’t famous. let’s take fame out of the equation. if he were a regular 24 year old, he’d maybe be graduated from university, moved out on his own, maybe had a job working in an office, or at a company, or something. he’d be paying rent, making connections, and be living an adult life. and his girlfriend wouldn’t even be able to legally drink yet.

think about the power imbalance there!! think about an adult man, looking at a newly 18 year old girl, and pursuing a relationship with her. and this 18 year old girl, listening to a man with a car, and a job, and an apartment, and so many other big, adult, grown up things, telling her she’s pretty, and mature, and lovely, and all these other things that make her feel special. because she’s not like other girls her age. she is special.

now throw in liam’s actual life at 24, the millions he has, and the fame, and realize how that power imbalance triples. think about how maya was around 10 years old when one direction formed. think about how she’s seen liam in the news and on magazines and on a pedestal for over half her life. and none of this even mentions that he has a child, who his girlfiend--now fiancee--will become a stepmother to. at 20 years old.

and that’s not to say that liam hasn’t been on the lower end of a power imbalanced relationship!! i haven’t forgotten that cheryl cole is 11 years older than him, meaning that when she first met liam on the x factor when he was 14, she was 25!!!! and then less than 10 years later, they had a child together!! in my opinion, that’s grooming, and it’s awful, and i don’t think it’s right. but that doesn’t excuse liam’s behaviour here.

which is why, as i said, i don’t consider harry’s relationships and liam’s to be in the same category. harry and caroline’s relationship, with him being 17 and her being 32 (?), has creeped me out since i first heard about it at 13. it was wrong. it was a huge power imbalance. i’m 22, and i consider an 18 year old a child. how could someone in their 30s see a 17 year old and think it’s okay to pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with them? they haven’t even finished puberty. they’re a child.

harry and taylor, as well, had a larger gap, and it does make me feel a little off when i think about it. granted, they were both doing the same thing and so relatively at the same time in their lives--touring the world, releasing albums, dealing with paps and press--but it was still a larger gap and not something i would do. 

idk anything about nicole scherzinger, but as for camille, the same thing kind of applies in my opinion?? it was a larger gap, yes, but they were both adults, both fully developed, both at relatively the same place in their lives, and hadn’t just become legal.

with age gaps, i find the older both people are when it happens, the more acceptable it is, because after a certain point, you’re at the same stage in your life and are thinking about the same things and have the same goals. and this is all a matter of opinion, so you can have yours, but you cannot convince me that liam, a father, dating a girl who had just graduated high school, is not creepy. the age gap of 6 years isn’t what’s bad-- it’s what stage of life they’re at.

and that’s my opinion!! i went a lot longer on this rant than i meant to because i wanna put it to bed!! i’ve gotten so many asks about liam’s relationship every time i say i don’t care for him or i think it’s weird and i’m done so!! this is it!! take it or leave it!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #421

“hunted by hundreds and never to be caught  /  descent to wander, bring terror and take 'em all beyond”

Which do you prefer, donut holes, jelly filled donuts or normal donuts? Normal donuts. When you get old, are you going to make a will? I mean probably. Ever made your own definition for something on Urban Dictionary? No. What do you call your grandparents? "Grammy" and "Grampa." Do you like weddings? Not especially because I'm a bitter fuck. Do you want to live in a dorm in college? I never wanted to, so I never did. Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? No. Are you single/taken/crushing/confused? Single/confused. Is your best friend single? Yes. Is your first real best friend still there for you? I mean we have one another on Facebook, but that's the extent of it. Do you still care for your first love? Very much. I hope he's doing okay since his mother passed. What color is your blanket? Navy with black swirls. Are you listening to music right now? Yes. I am obseeeeeessed with Alissa White-Gluz's cover of Powerwolf's "Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend." Have you ever felt as if you lost your one true love? I feel like that all the time. But I should add that I don't believe there is JUST ONE person designed for you. There are way, way too many people on this earth to have just a single, perfect match. Which do you like better: Bowser, Mario, Luigi, or Princess Peach? Well I mean I always picked Luigi in Mario Kart, so I got a bias, ha ha. How many tattoos do you have? Six. Plenty, PLENTY more to come, though. Would you ever consider getting a mohawk? No. What do you like to do most in your free time? Do random shit on the computer. What’s your work title? Unemployed. Do you pay rent? I don't. What was the reason behind the last time you wore a bandage? I cut my finger opening up a cup of yogurt. Yes, I'm serious. What music artist have you listened to a lot lately? Powerwolf, lately. And Motionless In White. Who is taller, you or your best friend? Me. When was the first time you ever listened to your favorite music artist? Well, as a little kid, Mom would play some Ozzy in the car occasionally, and I actually loved "Perry Mason" so much that I would ask for her to play it. Growing up I'd obviously heard "Crazy Train" through random things, but I never truly listened to him until I got into middle school and went through my mother's CD case, discovering new music as I got into rock and metal. Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Nah, not really. If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? I honestly don't remember my half-siblings' positions, but my immediate younger sister is a children's social worker, and my older sis is a mammographer. Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? Jealous, no. Envious, extremely. They know what the hell they're doing with their lives and making shit happen. Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my mother. What feeling do you have the most difficulty in expressing? Jealousy. How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation? Freeze up and probably die lol. Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Yes, autumn. It's not hot as fuck, the air always feels so fresh to me, and I love the many colors of fall. It's just... chill. Can you adapt to change easily? Any examples? FUCK. NO. Do you see yourself as worthy of love? Why/why not? This answer can change from "yes, because I'm a good human" to "fuck no because I'm worthless" in 0.5 seconds. Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? Not in general, but I can be in some areas. What would you be famous for? Fuck if I know. If you had to, would you rather dye your hair red or black? Red. I loved my hair when it actually took red dye well. What do you typically do on Easter Day? Go to my older sister's house. Have you ever viewed the moon through a telescope? No. Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Always. If you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it? Heeeeeell no. Would you pierce your nipples for $100? Almost certainly yes; I mean that's $100 for something I can just take out if I don't like it. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. Would you ever consider adoption? Even if I wanted a child, no. I know I would need either the blood connection or for the child to be my partner's that I truly love. Do you tend to go for guys/girls with certain eye/hair colors? No, I really don't care how you look on the outside. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Yes. Do you live within an hour of the ocean? More like two hours. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? No. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? An imaginary wolf, yeah. Which parent do you look most like? My mom, I think. Ever failed a test? Yes. That's all I did in algebra during my last college attempt. Do you have any friends who are famous? No. Your most recent ex breaks down and tells you they love you, what do you do? Well I know she loves me as a friend, but idk if she still does romantically, but either way, I'd tell her I love her too and ask if I can do anything for her. You and your last ex: who should hate who? Neither of us. We have a perfectly fine relationship. Do you believe you pick who you fall in love with? Definitely not. Last thing you ate? I had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. Are you obsessed with someone? *discreetly eyes Markiplier* If you had to write a brief message on a dollar bill that many people would eventually see as the currency circulates, what message would you write? I'd have to think longer on this, but definitely something about not putting so much worth into the money and not allowing greed to rule the individual. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? The hope for a happy, prosperous future. If you were a multimillionaire, what do you believe you would be doing at this very moment? Well, it's morning and this is my prime time to really just chill and do my first scope of the Internet, so I'd probably be in a beautiful house in the woods of the mountains by a beautiful waterfall. I'd have the windows down to listen to nature, make sure via AC if necessary that it's cool... Damn, that sounds nice. If you could have a cookie jar full of anything you wanted, except money or cookies, what would it be full of? Hm. Perhaps a very motivational quote that I'd draw each day, kind of like fortune cookies, but actually good and applicable, ha ha. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? YA or fiction. If your ex came up to you and asked you to take them back, what would you say? Anyone but Jason or Sara would be an automatic "no." Jason would have to really prove himself. Sara, I'd be willing, but would ask her if that's what she really wants given our positions right now. Do you think Ke$ha is annoying? I don't know anything about her personally. I actually liked her music back in the day, even when I was all about metal. Last time you were hit on? No idea. Do you ever write in pencil any more? I always do if I have that option. I don't like that you can't erase with a pen. If you HAD to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get? At this current time, my right nostril again. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Politics. Would you ever get someone's name tattooed on you? Noooo. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes. I scar very easily. Have you ever had stitches? Twice. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? Before my parents divorced, there was a lot of fighting. Do you remember the person you first kissed? Of course I do. Have you ever kissed someone you weren’t dating? No. Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Sara. Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? "Hated," no. I just tried to get into bands that I just couldn't, but didn't hate. Ever been called babe? Yeah. What is your favorite Pop-Tart flavor? Chocolate sundae. Have you ever made your parents cry? Yeah, sadly. Do you wear glasses? Yeah. And yet I'm still blind with 'em. Have you ever made out with somebody on a bed? Yeah. Are you tan? Most definitely not. How did you meet the last person you texted? She kinda like, gave birth to me. Next big event? My nephew's fifth birthday. Ugh, how is he getting that old. Do you think you have to be skinny in order to be beautiful? Fuck off, no. There are some gorgeous/attractive plus-sized people. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yes. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh god, she witnessed me sob once. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want very small gauges in my bottom earlobe piercings. What is your favorite sushi? Ew. Have you ever been in a school talent show? What for? Noooo sir. What were you like at 17? Oh god... so sad and yet so happily, madly in love at the same time. I both love and hate that era. Tell us about your worst date. Haven't really had a bad one. I had one with Tyler that was an adventure that most would consider awful (flat tire, had to walk in the whipping wind), but I had fun, ha ha. What should be illegal that isn’t already? I dunno. What’s the song you most wish you had written? Probably John Lennon's "Imagine." What is the worst break up you have experienced? Y'ALL KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Do your parents wish you were more successful? Oh, I am CERTAIN they do. They'd never admit it, I'm sure, but I know I'm disappointing. I had so much promise in school. Has a significant other called you unattractive before? WOW, no. Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? omg no Have you ever caught someone doing something bad? Cheating on their bf, yes. Has a dentist ever screwed up on anything when working on you? No, I don't think so. What is the worst birthday you have ever had? My 16th. I felt very, very unloved. I don't even like going into it. Have you ever been spit on by a llama? No. Have you ever locked yourself out of your car/house? The house, yes. With my elderly dog with arthritis, in the middle of winter after a good snow. I was freezing, sitting on the front porch and eventually crying. My phone was inside so I couldn't reach my mom, who was at work. As night came, I finally broke and went down the street knocking on my neighbors' doors, and probably the worst fucking one opened. With a gun in his hand. He was apparently an ex-sheriff, and he clearly didn't trust me. He was kind enough to let Teddy, who was incontinent and marked territory, inside (thank fuck he didn't pee in the guy's house), and he gave me a jacket, but Christ, we played 20 goddamn questions to see if I was legit, I'm assuming. I was beyond thankful when Mom finally got there when I used his phone to call her. And as it turned out? The door wasn't even fucking locked, our old dog just jammed the hell outta it by jumping. I was so, so pissed.

[littlehouseofkarlacade]

k so since i’ve been hiding the fact that i’ve been depressed and frustrated af lately, i’m just gonna slam it all here under a read more. ignore if you want, actually please do, it’s just me bitching again--

so holy shit the way america is rn frustrates the absolute hell out of me. covid has only made it worse; it feels like we’re never gonna get out of this fuckin’ pandemic because of people screaming that their rights are being violated bc they’re being asked to wear masks (?????? you’d fuckin’ hate it in asia then, ya goddamn snowflakes) and having parties all over the place, plus there’s all the politics shit that i’m not even going to get into, and just... it’s so damn hard to actually live here because everything costs a motherfuckin’ fortune. for fuck’s sake, i am a woman making $15 an hour at a part time job that gives me only 12-15 hours a week, how the fuck am i gonna succeed in anything with that?!

holy fuck. i want so many things that are just out of reach, it feels like. i want to help sylvie start HRT so she can finally start kicking gender dysphoria’s ass and actually start being happy with herself and her body, but considering she has practically 0 health insurance, she makes even less than i do, and it’s fuckin god-tier expensive, i have no idea where to even start with that. a friend of mine told me about planned parenthood (which would probably be a really good idea for both of us, considering i’ve never had my, uh, inner workings checked out), but i have no idea if there’s even one in our area or anything, or how we’d go about starting anything regarding that. it’s so goddamn frustrating, because i hate seeing her hate herself and her body so much because she’s got the wrong goddamn one, and i feel like she’s just got this general feeling of hopelessness around the entire thing, and i want to show her that it is reachable for her, but... how am i supposed to do that if i don’t even know where to begin?!

ALSO, not even relating to that

i want a house. not an apartment, not to keep living with people i barely know, but my own actual goddamn house. my credit score is lookin’ pretty damn good right now -- it’s almost in the 700s, but... i have no idea where to start with that either. and like... i’m afraid, as well. because if we go buy a house, and then something happens where we can’t afford things with the house anymore, then we’re fuckin’ homeless. and like. i’ve been homeless before -- not out on the streets, but i was couchsurfing for a good year and a half, and that sucked -- and i never want that to happen again. rent is expensive as fuck, more than both of us put together can afford, especially with all of sylvia’s bills. our roommate kicked us out of our old place, so we had to quickly scramble to find a place, so we’re living with a couple of sylvia’s friends, and i personally cannot stand it. it’s nothing against them, really, i just. i hate being almost 29 and still having to rely on others for a place to fucking live. it’s fucking godawful. and considering i don’t have any family members or anything that will help me, it’s so... alskdjflkdsal;afd

plus we’re not even in our original city anymore, we’re stuck on a goddamn island that we have to pay a toll to drive back onto every time we go home from work, so that fuckin’ sucks. and i miss our old city so much and it hurts so bad that we don’t live there anymore; i was really at home there, it was the first place where i really felt i could be myself and just... leaving there fucking sucked. i want to go back, and i fully intend to. someday. when i can actually afford things like a goddamn house. why are houses so goddamn expensive anyway; it’s like fuckin’ robbery. idk.

PLUS, since i graduated from community college this past semester, i’m currently on a break, and i fully intend to go back to university, hopefully in fall semester. BUT, idk, it looks like i’m gonna have to push that back to spring 2022, considering we don’t have a place of our own, i can’t drive (was going to get my permit this past summer but covid fucked that in the ass), and while we don’t want to live here, i have no idea where we will be living, and location matters a lot for me since i can’t fuckin’ drive!! i can’t even start applying to universities until we figure that out, and it’s just... god. i feel like i’m spinning my goddamn wheels again, and i fucking hate that feeling.

this is all over the goddamn place and i’m so sorry for that, but i’m just so frustrated and thinking on all of it makes me so fucking depressed that most days lately i just feel like giving up. stop having goals, try to be content working at fuckin target for the rest of my life (even though it makes me wanna die). but goddammit, i’m too fuckin’ ambitious for that (before jkr turned into a fuckin’ bitch, i always got slytherin house because that’s me, kids), and i apparently can’t be satisfied with what i already have because i’m a spoiled-ass bitch, i guess. i always want better. like. i feel like i have to make something of myself before i’m allowed to feel happy and content with my life, and that’s frustrating too. it’s like... i dunno. things aren’t happening the way i want them to, and i just get pissed off at myself for allowing things to happen as they are.

just... god. fuck off. eat the rich. fuck capitalism. i don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. i just want to make enough to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and be able to actually afford things i want without feeling fuckin’ guilty about it. i mean jfc i spent almost $50 on tea shit on this past paycheck bc i got a bonus from target corporate so i had some extra money, but i still feel guilty about it!! and. jesus christ. i don’t know where i went wrong. probably being born to poor, abusive people is where i went wrong.

fuck off.

having mental illness and being poor is. fucking awful. i don’t wish it on anyone.

i just want things to be betterrrrrrr for fuck’s sake.

the end

[asphalt-cocktail]

Kinkmas Prompt #12: Pet Play

A/N: Hi Yall! I’m going to be honest I thought about making this longer but I ended up keeping it short, so if you would like a part 2 slide into my DMs/asks. Stay tuned for another fic tonight! I’ve never written pet play before so I wasnt entirely sure what to write, sorry if it isn’t what you expected! If you would like to request a prompt and character yourself please reference my Kinkmas masterpost.

Pairing: The Beatles x Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Warnings: Smut, Polyamory, mentions of prostitution, oral(f receiving), pet play, collar, idk really.

Kinkmas 2019 Masterlist

General Masterlist

Asks

If you are considered a minor do NOT interact with this post. This is fictitious content and I own nothing.

Your job was… well it was interesting to say the least. It started out as a simple customer service job working for Brian Epstein, you’d answer phones, schedule appointments, take notes, you know the usual things a secretary would do. It was a job that didn’t help you pay the bills.

You spent many a break on your phone with your mom, “I don’t know how I’m going to make rent.” You said in a hushed tone, talking in the back office in hopes that no one would hear you.

Your mom always took moments like these to remind you that you should have never moved to the city, “I know, I know.” Your tone frustrated and disgruntled, “I’m picking up extra shifts at that restaurant I told you about.” No matter how hard you worked, it seemed as though she was always disappointed with your decision to be more independent.

It wasn’t until your boss, Mr. Epstein over heard you that he propositioned you.

Your face flushed “You-you want me to what?” You asked in disbelief. It wasn’t an unappealing offer to say the least, but it caught you off guard.

Brian shifted sheepishly, “Well, with going over to the states, I don’t want the boys to run wild with all the women that’ll be around.” You understood what he was getting at, the boys did have insatiable sexual appetites that had only been fueled by their recent claim to fame. They couldn’t run around ruining their own reputation, not after all of the work they put in, “I’ll pay you more of course, for your troubles.” He cleared his throat “I’ll even throw in apartment that’s closer to the studio for your troubles.” He crossed his arms over his chest and awaited your response.

You chewed on your lip and pondered, an apartment closer to work would be nice, and the more pay was enticing, but you couldn’t wrap your head around prostituting yourself. It was literally what your mom had warned you would happen.

“You’re going to end up selling sex for money!” She would scold and you’d laugh.

That was ridiculous wasn’t it?

Well, apparently it wasn’t all that ridiculous because here you were, seriously considering it as an option to help you pay the bills. You swallowed thickly and glanced at the soundproof window that looked into the studio, you could see the boys goofing off, George’s sharp cheekbones, Paul’s pouty lips, Ringo’s cheeky smirk, and John’s devilish glint that hid behind his Buddy Holly inspired glasses were all enticing. You looked back at your boss and pursed your lips for a moment “I’ll do it.” You responded with a curt nod.

Today was actually your first day in your new position and your first official day in America. Per the boys, you were told to wait patiently in the green room for them to finish their performance and set out bottles of water and towels for when they returned. It didn’t matter how thick the concrete walls were or how many divided you from the crowd you could still hear their roars as clear as day. The reception they received was insane.

But what was even more insane was this stupid collar that you had on. It was simple and black with a silver buckle on it and the short pencil skirt you were always required to wear, for easy access. You checked the clock, their show would be over in ten minutes, so you assumed your position next to the door and knelt, smoothing your skirt over your thighs and waited.

Your knees hurt and dug into the tacky shag carpet while you played with the hem of your skirt, rubbing it between your fingers nervously. You could hear chatter on the other side of the door and the handle jiggled. You sat up straight and poised, adjusting your chest so it stuck out more than usual for good measure. You were nervous, your heart was racing, and your breathing sped up as you saw the first boot step through the door. Your eyes remained averted and your face flushed, you swallowed thickly, and the collar felt as though it was getting tighter around your neck.

“Your show sounded great!” You said greeting them.

“Wow,” Ringo quipped, “I wasn’t expecting you to actually do what we asked.”

You looked up to see them, their mop tops sweaty and plastered to their faces, and cheeks reddened from heat “Well,” You started, “It’s my job, why wouldn’t I do it?” You asked honestly.

John smirked, “You’re an obedient little kitten, aren’t you?” He asked. You clenched your thighs, you’d never been called kitten before. It ignited a fire in your belly, “Come on over here.” He beckoned.

You nodded and stood up from your spot on the floor, brushing your skirt and legs off and walked over. John spread his legs and patted his lap for you to sit and you promptly followed his silent command. As soon as took your seated position his hand gripped the dip of your hip, calloused fingers rubbing softly on the fabric.

“Are you nervous?” Paul asked and gave you a knowing smirk.

Your eyes darted around the room before you shook your head “No,” You lied through your teeth.

“Why don’t you be a good little Kitty and spread those legs for us then?” John asked, using his large hands to rub the inside of your thighs and beckon them open.

You leaned back into his shoulder, inhaling his musky scent and spread your legs wide. Your skirt began to inch up your lap before it exposed the damp spot that had soaked through your cotton panties. You turned your face with embarrassment and buried it into John’s neck. Your chest heaved with anticipation as you felt his calloused hands inching closer and closer to your heat.

Your legs began to shake, feeling his hand touching everywhere but where you so desperately needed it, “Come on, John, don’t go on teasing the poor thing.” George cooed.

With that he finally pulled your panties to the side, gathering the slick on his fingers before he pushed into your tight cunt. You choked out a high-pitched moan and spread your legs further. His fingers expertly circled your clit while he trailed kisses down your neck, licking and sucking to mark your skin. But, as soon as his fingers entered you, they exited and moved up to your chest, pulling your shirt up and exposing your breasts. John pulled your bra down causing them to spill out and your nipples to begin to harden in response to the cool air.

His calloused hands began to pinch and twist the pebbled buds, your mouth hung open and you rested your head on his shoulder while he whispered filthy words into your ear. You opened your eyes for a brief moment and looked down to see Ringo settling between your legs. He looked up at you nervously, for such a handsome man he was the most self-conscious out of all four of the boys, “Mind if I…” he trailed off as his hand settled on either side of your panties. You nodded your head, urging him to take them off.

Once they were slipped off and your skirt now fully bunched up, exposing your entire bottom half Ringo settled between your legs, spreading your folds and getting a view of the mess you were making on John’s trousers. He experimentally inserted a finger into you and instinctively curled it upwards, brushing against your soft walls. The sensation of his cold rings biting against your skin and the pleasure he was bringing you along with John gripping your breasts soon became over whelming.

Paul stood behind Ringo, observing your dripping cunt and watching Ringo’s thick fingers disappearing within you, pumping in and out rhythmically, “Give her a taste,” He urged, “She’s been such a good girl.”

Your walls fluttered around Ringo’s fingers at the positive affirmation which caused Ringo to smirk. He spread you apart and hesitantly dipped his head between your legs and licked at your wet folds. You shuttered and your hips relaxed while your head fell back onto John’s shoulder while he pinched and pulled your nipples.

Ringo’s tongue delved inside you, lapping at your wet core like a starved man, his fingers continued to pump in and out of you, curling and rubbing against your soft walls. You bucked your hips and ground them against his face and moved to lace your fingers through his hair, but your wrist was quickly snatched by a set of long and thin fingers.

You opened one of your eyes and saw George holding your wrist and stroking his length in his other hand. Instinctively you reached out and brushed your thumb over the tip, spreading the precum that had leaked out over and pumped your hand down his length. He shuttered and brushed your hair out of your face, grabbing a fist full and tilting your head back roughly.

You gasped as your head jerked back, exposing your neck and allowing now both John and George to kiss your neck, the contrasting feelings of their kisses and Ringo tongue vigorously lapping at you caused your chest to heave and breathy moans to seep from your lips as you continued to roll your hips and jerk George off. You reached your hand up and ran your nails down the side of John’s neck while you desperately sought something to keep your self-anchored to while your walls quivered around Ringo’s tongue. “Do you think our good little kitten deserves to come?” John asked, his voice was heavy with lust.

Paul gave you a cheeky smirk, “Why don’t you be a good girl and come all over Ringo’s face for us.”  You glanced over to see him seated casually, his long legs sprawled out, pants unzipped, and pumping his length in his hand. Your back arched against John’s broad shoulders and you let out a desperate cry as you came, your walls pulsating and clenching Ringo’s fingers. Neither of the boys had yet to get off, but you still had a feeling that your time with them was far from over.

[purplesurveys]

887

Numbers, Numbers Everywhere

How old are you? I turned 22 last April.

What day of the month is your birthday? It’s on the 21st. It’s exactly a week after my brother’s birthday and six days before my parents’ anniversary, so April tends to be a hectic month for us. What's the last digit of your phone number? It ends in 5.

What's your favorite number? I don’t pick a favorite number because the idea just doesn’t make sense to me. If someone asked me to pick a number though I always go with 4 just because it reminds me of Beyoncé lol How many bedrooms does your home have? It used to have three but my parents had the balcony renovated and transformed into another bedroom after they realized my siblings and I were all getting older, and that it would be the most appropriate decision to let us have our own rooms.

How many people do you live with? Four people and two dogs. How many exes do you have? I’ve only had one, but we got back together. How long is the song you're listening to? (If you have music going.) Not listening to any music right now but the last song I played a few hours ago was Thick and Thin by LANY, which is 3 minutes and 32 seconds long. What time did you wake up, today? I woke up at 8 AM. I surprised myself today because it meant I had slept for 11 hours, something I don’t remember ever being able to do lol. I was asleep by 9 PM last night because overthinking all day tired me out and also because I didn’t have my afternoon coffee. How many siblings do you have? I have two. I don’t speak to one of them. How many gaming consoles are in your home? We have three consoles that we currently use – PS4, Switch, and my siblings also recently re-unboxed our PS3 to play older games on it. We also have other consoles that we haven’t used in a while but just never thrown out – Wii, DSi, PS2, and two PSPs. How many pets do you have? I have two dogs :) Kimi’s a 12 year old half-aspin half-we never actually figured out what his other breed is, we’re thinking shih tzu? and Cooper is a three month old beagle. How many schools have you attended? Just two. I attended the same school from kindergarten to high school then I went to a different one for college. How old were you when you had your first kiss? (If you've had it.) I was 16, but was turning 17 that year. How many movies have you seen at the cinema this year? Zero. This would be a lot sadder to answer if I loved going to the cinemas, but tbh I only watch movies in the theatres like twice a year so I’m not too bothered. Still, I miss having that option. How many windows does your bedroom have? It has two big windows but each of them have six panes that I can open. How many TVs are in your home? Four. There’s one in the dining room, living room, parents’ room, and brother’s room. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t feel like getting up just to count them. I wanna say around 15-20 pairs. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Already mentioned this, but 11 hours. That’s a feat for me, considering I’ve only been getting 4-5 hours a night lately. I even wanted to sleep more, but Cooper wanted a playmate and I felt bad. How many inches long is your hair (at it's longest point)? Idk 8, 9 inches? Not good with exact measurements, but the longest it’s been was right above my waist. How many chairs are in your living room? We have an L-shaped couch that can seat five people, which is how big my family is so it’s just the right size for us. We don’t have chairs per se, though we used to a few years ago.   How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? Zero. Not a fan of them. How many cell phones have you owned/had? My current one is my 8th. I’ve switched phones so much because I lost them a lot (as a kid) or I broke them a lot (as a teenager). Was never good at taking care of my valuables so my parents made sure that with my iPhone 8, it had the toughest phone case and the thickest tempered glass we could find. I still ended up ruining them both loooool but the phone is still staying strong with me, so at least that’s something. How many apps are on your cell phone? 99. How the fuck do I have that many??? I always just thought I had around 25. I need to clean up my phone, damn. How tall are you? 5′1″. How long have you lived in your current home? 12 years. What percentage is your phone's battery at right now? It’s at 33% right now. I’ve been horrible at charging it lately because I keep unplugging when it hits around 45% so I can use it wirelessly, whoops. How much your home's rent (or mortgage) each month? I’m not sure about the amount; my parents pay for the house. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. How many doors does your home have? 13. How many times did you drink (alcohol) last month? I’m not sure...maybe once or twice? I try to save up my alcohol because I only have five bottles of soju and I don’t think I’ll be getting another set soon. How many pillows are on your bed? Two. How many letters are in your first name? R-o-b-y-n, five. How many times have you been in love? Once. How many pieces of jewelry are you currently wearing? None right now and none for a while. I haven’t had a reason to wear jewelry at home. What is the age difference between you and your significant other? One month and around two weeks. We’re the same age - we went to school together and were part of the same batch. How much cash do you currently have? I have a little over ₱700. It’s the last of my school allowance, aw :( How many contacts are in your phone? A lot. I don’t think my phone has an option to view the total number. How many best friends do you have? Two. How old is your mom? 48, though she’s turning 49 in September. How old is your dad? 49. How many keys do you have (on your keyring/chain or whatever)? Just two – house and car keys. I’d put trinkets on it but I’ve lost the ones I’ve tried hooking onto my keychain.

How many keychains are attached to your keys? ^ How many video games do you own? My best guess would be 50-60. I’d say we have around 15 per console. How many monthly bills do you pay/have? We have the internet, phone, electricity, and water bills, but it’s my parents who pay for them. They also pay for the house and the cars. Until recently we also got monthly bills for our cable subscription, but my dad canceled it after he realized no one in the house watched TV anymore because we’re all on either YouTube or Netflix now. If you get an allowance, how much do you get weekly? My parents gave me ₱2000 a week in college, which would be enough to gas up my car for the next five days, feed myself in school, and have one or two nights out with friends. It used to be ₱1000 but that was super little and I used to starve myself in school, and for the longest time I had just been too shy to tell my parents to increase my allowance. If you have a job, how much do you earn (hourly)? No job yet. What is your town/city's population? (You might need to look that one up.) A little less than 780,000.

How long have you lived in the town you currently live in? More or less 20 years. We only lived in Manila until I was 1. How long have you lived in the state/province you currently live in? Again, 20 years. Manila is in a different region from where I currently reside. How long have you been with your significant other? (if taken) A little over four years. How long were you with your most recent ex? (if you have one) My only ex is also my SO, and during our first relationship we were together for eight months. How many blind dates have you been on? Zero. Not for me. How many email addresses do you have (that you use)? Three. I have two Gmails and one Outlook, but the last one I barely use anymore. How many times have you traveled outside of your home country? Three. The first was a joint vacation to Singapore and Malaysia; the second was a trip to Indonesia; the third was a cruise that involved three countries, but we flied to China because that’s where the ship was stationed. How many times do you usually sneeze in a row? Four or five at most. But that doesn’t happen a lot. Usually I’d only sneeze once. What time is it right now? 5:22 PM.

[bucketofchum]

1.5 years after I moved out, I wrote a review

so idk how many of y’all are still around for 1.5 years ago, when I was in a shitty ass housing situation. I had been putting off writing a review bc I was afraid if I ran into the landlady again (since I still live in the same small town), it would lead to.. bad times. But since then, I have met 2 other tenants who have had her and also had a terrible experience. So I felt guilty that I had not written about my experiences which might have been able to warn them. Anyhow, for those who care to read, I put my review under the cut:

While this room might be a good option for someone staying only for a few days, I do not recommend this for anyone staying for 1 month or longer. I came as a foreign student, looking for longterm housing. Ultimate, I stayed there for 2-3 months but honestly even one month was too much. But I had nowhere else to go and because she required a minimum of 2 months’ provisional time before she allowed me to leave as a tenant. If you want to stay as a long term resident, you should be aware of certain things.

First, R has a young daughter. While the daughter is friendly and fun, it was not written anywhere that there would be children in the house. There were some mornings when I woke up to the girl screaming, shrieking, and crying loudly for 30+ minutes because she did not want to shower, brush her teeth, get dressed. The same thing happens at night when she does not want to go to bed or brush teeth. I have recordings of the yelling and crying from the room – it has woken me up or kept me up multiple times. Additionally, there were days when R expected me to babysit her daughter. She asked me to tutor her daughter in schoolwork, making sure she finished all of her schoolwork. I would be fine with this as a request but not as a demand or expectation, especially without pay. I work full time and I did not anticipate spending hours on Sunday tutoring a child.

Second, R has a cat. Fortunately, I like cats, but I am also allergic. This was not mentioned anywhere in the bio, and since leaving, I have been informed by later residents that she now actually has two cats. Again, despite my allergies, I enjoy animals, so this was not the main issue so much as the fact that R has a habit of not being completely forthcoming.

Thirdly, on that topic, R’s personal relationships impacted my stay. Her ex-husband would come to the house every other week or so, and R did not want him to know that she was renting out the room. So she had me clean up the room and put all my things away to make the room seem as though it were empty and she was not renting it out. I hide all of my things in the closet and under the bed. Then, I had to leave the house for some time while her ex-husband was in the house. She would text me when it was okay to come back. This happened several times – as I said, every other weekend or so.

Fourthly, R would occasionally come into the room when I was not in the house. I don’t know if this was an everyday thing or perhaps every few days? At first I noticed that the window would be either opened or closed or the blinds up or down, in a way I did not leave them. I asked her if she came into the room (it was apparent) and she said no. There is no lock for the room, so no way to stop her from entering. I know she is very particular about the way she wants the windows and the blinds, so she will always correct you, regardless of how you put it. One day, I found a comb set neatly on my table. I asked her, again, if she went into the room. She said no. I asked where the comb came from then? She said “Oh, I thought it was yours.” It was not. She never acknowledged to going into the room, only saying she thought the comb was mine. It was neither of ours, so I can only assume it was her daughter’s. Which would suggest that not only does R enter the room when I am not home, so does her daughter.

I will say one thing, though – R likes her house cleaned in a very particular way. She expects you to maintain it this way as well, which is very reasonable. It felt less like I was paying a landlord for a room and more like I was paying to have a mother hover over me and tell me to do my chores. You have access to the kitchen, but she is extremely particular about the way you use it. She’ll hover over your shoulder and remind you to do certain things while you are cooking. Reminding you also how to clean the kitchen counter even while you are in the middle of cooking. The door must be open when you are cooking – to not make the house smell like food. The back wall of the stove area must be cleaned. Certain pots and pans are better than others. In the end, I did not use the kitchen more than 3 times in two months because I couldn’t handle her hovering over my shoulder reminding me every 15 seconds what I should be doing. Sweeping and mopping the floors was another matter entirely.

There are plenty of other matters as well, but essentially, during the first month (May), I felt so uncomfortable in the house that I preferred to just stay outside, from sunrise until sunset. Leaving before they woke up and coming back after they had gone to bed. Fortunately, since it was May, sunset was very late and the weather was pleasant, so I could walk outside in the park until 11pm.

At this point, I was wondering if perhaps I was too sensitive and just reading R incorrectly. After one month, a second tenant came – also a foreigner coming here from Cambodia to work/study. He was very quick to tell me that things were unpleasant with her and he was uncomfortable about a lot of things about her. But he decided to bite his tongue and just survive the month since he had already paid. Several months later, I also met another girl from Vietnam who had just arrived to France. I asked her how it was and she was in tears, saying it was not good at all. She told me that she had this crazy landlady and she was so miserable. As she told me more and more stories, realising she lives in the same town as me, I asked her the name of her landlady because I suspected it was the same as mine. It was indeed R.

When I finally was able to move out (I found a studio apartment, living by myself), R was understandably very upset. She told me I was obligated to pay an additional full month’s rent because I did not give her enough warning time (I gave her a month). We eventually settled it down to half a month, but she wanted me gone immediately after. As it turned out, having an entire apartment rented all for myself cost less than having this room in R’s house.

For me, this was one of the worst “long term” housing situations I have ever had. It was only two months, but those two months seemed like an eternity. I am certain that R is wonderfully hospitable for people with shorter stays. Several days or a week or so is fine, with limited interaction with R. But I do not recommend this room for anyone staying one month or longer, or even perhaps 2-3 weeks.

It took me 1.5 years to come back to write this comment because I did not want to relive the experience and I was afraid of the repercussions of maybe running into her again.