#idk if it lives up to the wedding one
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DON’T imagine this as austin coming to the opening night of your sold out theater debut show after years of only being in films, and him looking on and being completely enamored by your skill and passion. He’s never been prouder of you and he can’t wait to be sat in the audience every night moving forward, watching you live out your dream <3
#this was the first thing I thought of when I saw this picture on my dash#idk if it lives up to the wedding one#but I love it nonetheless <3#austin butler x reader#austin butler
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ALSO??????? WHAT TF DO YOU MEAN THEY UPDATED GENTAROS CATCHPRASE??????
AND THAT THEY CHANGED A LINE IN ARB WHERE HE REFERENCED THAT OLD CATCHPRASE INTO SOMETHING NEW THAT EXPRESSES HIS WILL TO CONTINUE ON WITH THE LIE??????
AND THAT WILL IN OF ITSELF WAS REFERENCED THIS WHOLE TIME IN HIS NEW SOLO WITH HOW THE POEM LITERALLY ENDS WITH HIM SAYING HE WILL CONTINUE TO LIE??????
#this is vee speaking#i actually have the day off ITS A KUUKOU AND POSSE MIRACLE LOL#a scheduled appointment i had and had taken the day off for was cancelled so i fully intended to stay up laaaaaate sleep innnnn y’know lol#except i wound up crashing really early lol????? but i made a fatal mistake in drinking extra caffeine during the day#so i was up until two after waking up suddenly from my 6 o’clock nap lol *wheeze*#AND SAW THE CHANGES HYPMIC MADE TO GENTARO LOL????? I USED TO JOKE ONE DAY WED WAKE UP TO GENTAROS PROFILE CHANGING#BUT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED LOL GODSPEED IG!!!!!!!!!!!!#POSSE STANS ALWAYS EAT SO WELL LMAO YALL SO LUCKY TO STAN AN OPEN LORE DIVISION FR THATS SO SICK 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#tho i have seen one or two opinions expressing sadness they shut down gentaro actually revealing his real name 🤔#imo???? like honestly lol???? they’re not quite done yet with their identities lol#there’s still the ‘original’ ramuda niitaro is basically still living as gentaro since gentaro doesn’t have his memories to ‘reclaim’ it#aaaaaand there’s still one or two points about dice i need to digest some more lol#that final scene rejecting dice’s lady luck is niggling in the back of my head but idk what to make of it yet#i think posse still got room to develop despite the track being a great resolution for their development lol#AND THATS COOL POSSE STANS STAY FED ON LORE LOL
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FAMILY TITLES AMONG THE HILL TRIBES
(ft. various linguistic notes and tangents)
In-universe Brakul’s self-given title of ‘Red-Dog’ is Brakul 'ne-Dainh' in his native language (Bict-Urbinnas dialect of the Highland language group) and Brakul 'Chin-Reyla' in Wardi. Ne-Dainh/Chin-Reyla is not something he treats as or considers an actual surname or identity, just a self-styled nickname. He already has a title.
Family names/surnames are not a native practice among the Hill Tribes (though some clans or individual families have adopted this practice), and all traditionally use titles that designate immediate ancestry, clan and tribe. These full titles are officially given when one comes of age and are spoken aloud in ceremony (with the entire direct male and female lines listed by name, with most traditions expecting 12 generations of each being named).
The function is to cement one’s sense of place in the world, and their place in a direct ancestral line, which puts the person under the full watch and guidance of their ancestors. It's also a critical method of recording lineage- the long held practice of each person memorizing at least 24 total direct ancestors allows for very long, largely accurate records of family history to be kept, with some people able to trace their ancestry all the way back to initial settlement of the Highlands (or even beyond).
Brakul’s full title is:
“Brakul virsum Kuligan et Borunil an Briyonis ne-Taig an Bict-Urbinnas”
Which dead literally translates to “Brakul son of Kuligan and Borunil of the Foothills (of) Red-Cattle, of the North (Urbin/Erubin) River Valley” but has a much richer meaning in the original language.
"BRAKUL VIRSUM KULIGAN ET BORUNIL"
The actual meaning here is closer to ‘Brakul, son of Kuligan and his father’s fathers, and Borunil and her mother’s mothers’.
“Virsum” means ‘child (son/daughter) of’ (the gender is contextual), but implies the person’s status as a descendant of a full male and female line of ancestors. A different word is used if you’re just saying ‘I’m so and so’s son”. The title describes him as a son of his father Kuligan and of Kuligan’s male line, and of his mother Borunil and Borunil's female line.
All ancestors (within this particular system of kinship, divided into one direct male line from the father and one direct female line from the mother, and not including husbands from the female line or wives from the male line) are invoked and credited with the word ‘virsum’. Speaking it as part of the personal title is part of the routine and necessary honoring of one’s ancestors, who watch over their descendants from the afterlife and can temporarily return to the land to guide and protect (and sometimes punish, or teach sharp lessons to) the living.
"AN BRIYONIS NE-TAIG"
The actual meaning here would be understood as ‘clan/people of the foothills where cattle are lit red by the setting sun'.
‘Briyonis’ is the word for ‘foothill’, citing his clan’s specific location being the foothills that form the slopes of the north Urbin river valley. He is of a lesser clan within the powerful North Urbin River tribe. His clan benefits from close affiliation to their more powerful ruling clans located directly in the river valley, which grants them access to a greater variety of cultivated foods, but their actual position in the foothills still renders them predominantly reliant on cattle for subsistence. Clan names referencing cattle or horses are very common, given their frequent centrality to life.
The ‘ne-Taig’ literally means ‘red cattle’, but the ‘ne’ color word for red specifically invokes shades of red seen in and cast by a rising/setting sun. This red cast is culturally regarded as a unique beauty and evocative (and part of the name) of the solar god Hraighne. The foothills his clan is physically located on are a vantage point from which the western horizon is not fully obscured by mountains, and they experience very striking sunsets and are directly touched by the light. This is fairly unique to this location, and is invoked in the clan name and identity. ‘Ne-Taig’ here suggests a visual of grazing cattle illuminated red by the sun as it crosses the horizon.
‘Ne-Dainh’ carries the same implication, a dog illuminated red by setting sunlight. The Wardi language does not have a comparable word for a sunlit red and ‘Chin-Reyla’ really does just mean ‘(orangeish) red dog’ (‘reyla’ is specific to orangey-red colors, which is the closest match he could get. There’s no way to impart the meaning of ‘sunlit-red dog’ in Wardi that is non-clunky enough to be appropriate for a name).
"AN BICT-URBINNAS"
‘an Bict-Urbinnas’ is fairly simple, Bict means ‘north’, and 'Urbin' is the name of the specific river that stems from a northern and eastern tributary. This river has a very ancient name (or a derivative of one) that predates settlement by the Hill Tribes, and its exact meaning is lost.
The root -(n)nas designates a river valley, but has strong implications of being an esteemed and bountiful place, rather than solely a literal geographical descriptor (as the river valleys are centers of power and trade in the highlands). It may be a loanword from the Wardi language family, as its usage is VERY similar in form and function to the Wardi -(n)nos, which also suggests a place of esteem and bounty (more specifically having connotations of a kingdom).
’An’ literally means ‘of’, but in the specific sense of describing the place and identity of a collection of people. ‘an Bict Urbinnas’ would be understood in speech as ‘of the north Urbin River Valley (people)’. The clans historically settled in and around the valley of the North Urbin River form the totality of the Bict-Urbinnas tribe.
The ‘Urbin’ word predates the contemporary Wardi name ‘Erubin’ for the river, the latter of which invokes the semi-mythological founding figure Erub, who himself was of a Wardi tribe located downriver to the south of the Highlands. The real historically extant ‘Erub’ was most likely named Urub after the river, with his cited name shifting over the centuries in folklore, and the Wardi name for the river shifting with it.
‘Erubin’ as a corruption of ‘Urbin’ functions very well in Wardi language due to ‘-bi/bin’ denoting something as a ‘gift’, usually in a more metaphorical sense. ‘Erubin’ is understood as meaning ‘(The river that is) Erub’s gift’, and the Erubin/Urbin river is a key tributary to the much larger Black river, one of the key rivers that feeds the region's wetter and more fertile west. This 'gift' meaning also occurs in the name of the southeastern Imperial Wardi city-state Erubinnos, which is understood as meaning ’((The kingdom that is) Erub’s gift’. He is considered to have conquered and taken the land (from the core city's actual founders, the Wogan people) and established a kingdom there in the early days of warring Wardi tribal monarchies.
#Just dropping this randomly because it's a pretty complete lore dump in my notes app#Family names are a big fucking deal in the Wardi cultural sphere and not having one is associated with being a bastard or otherwise#displaced or unwanted. If pressed Brakul either fully lies and says 'ne-Dainh' (which will just come off as 'oh it's some foreign name')#Or lists his actual title (not a family name but equally important). Sometimes listing all 24 generations if he's particularly annoyed.#It's only strictly necessary to memorize 12 ancestors in each line but it's considered good practice to be able#to cite associated non-direct ancestor husbands/wives/siblings/etc. That's where the tattoos as a mnemonic device comes in#It's easy to memorize 24 ancestors but very difficult to memorize 24 ancestors and at least some of their family members#And remembering and honoring the dead by name is of great importance- both puts you under the protection of more#ancestors (including non-direct ones) and ensures the dead's status in the afterlife is secure (it's believed that fully forgotten#dead leave the celestial fields and can no longer directly intercede with the living- though with some additional nuances to what#constitutes being fully forgotten)#Venerating and remembering the dead is a huge focus of cultural practice and additional methods are used to safeguard#ancestors (and other honored dead without descendants) whose names have been forgotten. There's one yearly holiday focused entirely on#the nameless dead where they are invoked and honored via little straw dolls that are burnt in bonfires high in the mountains so the#smoke is sent up to the Fields. It takes weeks of preparation and tens (maybe hundreds idk I'm bad with scale) of thousands of#dolls will be made each year across the Highlands for this purpose. Honoring them with effigy even without name is usually#considered enough to safeguard their afterlife for at least another year.#Also yeah kinship systems among the Hill Tribes (and very similarly among the Finns) follow a male line/female line system#Only father's father's fathers (...) and mother's mother's mothers (...) are considered direct ancestors (though all four grandparents#are sometimes honored as ancestors even if only two are considered DIRECT ancestral kin- this tradition varies)#Inheritance systems are somewhat matrilineal given that a wife is considered the owner and arbiter of property and a husband is#its protector and active manager. If a man and woman from different clans (or tribes) marry any children will be considered to be of#the clan/tribe of whichever spouse does NOT relocate in marriage.#Whether the husband moves in with the wife or the wife moves in with the husband is dependent on an arbitration process#and the husband (and his family) being able to provide a bride price (which is somewhat of a payment for the land/property#the wife's mother will be passing down to the new husband's management should he move in- and displays his ability to care#for and provide valued assets. A man who can provide a bride price tends to receive greater respect)#This is most commonly going to be livestock (and almost ubiquitously includes a single cattle to be butchered for the wedding feast)#But can include other valuables or assets like land or grain/seeds or etc. There is no intra-Highlands monetary system and the internal#economy is built on trade. So Imperial Wardi currency is mostly useless but is sometimes given in marriages between clans with strong
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what if i said i actually love too weird to live, too rare to die and think it’s underrated. what then.
#idk at least the time i’ve lurked around p!atd fandom stuff it feels like no one ever brought up this album 😭😭#vices and virtues too but at least then there was still leftover ryan ross scraps to hold onto#but like. idk i like the dark las vegas vibes of twtltrtd#i’m not the biggest fan of this is gospel but once you get past it it’s got some bangers ngl#one super minor gripe with the album is that i think the brobecks version of far too young to die is better than the twtltrtd version#it’s minor but it’s true. listen to both versions of the song and you’ll understand#my only real complaints though are just with the lyrical content of girls/girls/boys and casual affair#i like the songs themselves but the lyrics….. who let them cook actually#what was brendon doing. why are you singing about affairs like that whilst you’re a fully married man. ????#but honestly the transition towards the end of the album to more romantic songs is nice#i think it fits well and is a good way to slowly die the energy down without completely squashing it#the end of all things is genuinely a beautiful song but an even more beautiful ending to the album#the lyrics are brendon’s wedding vows and the piano is very nice#i like the effects on the vocals and i think they were a good choice to make everything even more cohesive#it doesn’t take away from the emotional value of the song and it also makes it fit better on the album than if it were just a regular#kind of piano ballad#but then also having collar full be the song leading up to it? even better#i fucking love collar full and agh. having it lead into the end of all things is perfect for it#it’s fun on its own but it’s even better in context i think#anyways. too weird to live too rare to die is an alright pop rock album. go listen to it if you want#me.txt
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With the heavy caveat that I know people put their heart and soul into this show, having watched 6 seasons of this shit now, The Dragon Prince is just this to me
I root for this show as if it was my child’s little league team playing against the Dodgers. Like, they have the spirit, certainly. Can they actually hit a fastball going over 100mph? I think not.
#ok tag rant kiddos get ready#tdp in the beginning was cute- competent- passable kids media that was genuinely entertaining if silly to watch#like yall it was endearing at first but now— i don’t think they know WHY things worked in avatar#and don’t get me wrong#it has SO much potential#i WANT it to be good#it THREATENS WITH A GUN to be good#and then it trips on itself#which is so sad because all the pieces are there- then they make the most BAFFLING plot/character decisions#i pity the crew making it because 1) bts coming outta there kinda sounds like hell#and 2) making the netflix-style release schedule show is so deeply challenging and detrimental to its shows#idk i’ll rant more coherently later but damn#i hate to see so much passion squandered or lessened by just a top-down lack of ability to organize and execute#am i 24 and watching this? yeah. but not as a mere fan: im peer reviewing#this is such a late 2010’s-2020’s show like damn#there’s just too much going on#but god dammit if there aren’t so many talented people OBVIOUSLY pouring their all into it#some of whom I’ve followed for a while!#i just wish the show had the chance to live up to its potential#and didnt parrot avatar’s flirtation with darker themes in children’s media without understanding why it worked or what lines you cant cross#also rayla and callum are like… kinda gross imo. but that’s just me I guess#this is my new game of thrones if they wanna name an episode where no one dies ‘the red wedding’
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
#LIKE.... what the fuck .#and the way my contribution has been minimal how am i ever gonna like . repay my dad for this#also how does he just .....spend so much . he'll always pay for anything school related w/o saying anything weird#like why is this genuinely making me crysjrjfjskwkfj#i KNEWWWW it was a lot but i was just thinking id love to pay him back for it somehow#so i was like lemme pull up all my undergrad invoices and the current stuff too and i did the math and .....#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15#so i feel like he jas that Thing for like being super present in his kids' lives#and education is like a Biiiiig thing for him bc he had to work and earn and pay for his own (ig his mom helped as much as she could)#THIS IS MAKING ME SOB IM SO SAD#and the way i cant even fucking find a job to at least earn SOMETHINGGGG i can help with its so stupid#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god#like im so grateful but theres so much guilt too ??#desi culture is insane bc imagine you work your whole entire life and then you have to pay for every one of ur kids' education weddings etc#OK GOOD NIGHT will i delete this is it too . personal . idk#h talks
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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I truly think if I had watched the Buck, Bothered and Bewildered live it would’ve taken me out
#911 abc#for context i had stopped watching halfway through season 5#(combination of being busy with other things. losing interest in some of the storylines. and cancelling our hulu) I planned to catch up eve#and then i stopped using tumblr for a few months so I wasn’t seeing any of the news around it#and then a week ago i logged back in and i saw gifs of Buck asking Tommy to be his date to the wedding#and just seeing those gifs made me so unbelievably happy#so of course now i watched all of the s7 episodes#and it was one of those things where even though I knew it was going to happen it was still So Good#idk you know how if spoilers can ruin the story then it’s probably not a substantial story to begin with?#instead with this it was like- I was bummed that I didn’t get to see it live bc buck is a character I care very deeply about#but knowing it was going to happen and then watching it let me really appreciate how well done it was#I have so many thoughts#might put them into a coherent post one day#¡hey listen!
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...
#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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💭
#this girl I was close friends/roommates with during my last year of college just got engaged with her bf of 8 years#while I am happy for both of them… idk I have difficult feelings about her now and don’t see her as a friend anymore#she used to live in the same city as me during the first like year and a half or so of the pandemic#and in that time we got to see/hang out with each other twice#first time we got to catch up for a few hours and we had a good time but it was kinda bittersweet… idk how to describe it#the second time she asked me last minute to accompany her to pick up stuff she got through Facebook marketplace#during one of those two times we hung out/she basically told me to my face that it would be the last time I’d see her#i understood initially cuz she was about to start teaching and she wanted to focus on her relationships with her bf and her family#but not long after she started teaching/she quickly started going out a lot and making new friends#then she moved to another town like 30 ish minutes away cuz her aunt kicked her out in the middle of her first year of teaching#idk I never had a good feeling about things cuz of all of that stuff I stated above#but also since she’s been trying on working to improve her relationship with her mom after everything she’s done to her#cuz we both have shitty moms who’ve said and done shitty things to us and our families#i know it probably won’t happen or won’t happen for like a few years#but in the event she invites me to her wedding/ I’m gonna be deadass with her about how I’ve felt about her#and see if she’s willing to work on improving our friendship before I decide to attend (if she does invite me cuz idk)#oh I also forgot how after she moved after her aunt kicked her out#she had the nerve to randomly ask if I could watch her aunt’s dogs during the week I was starting 3 online summer classes#she didn’t even like say hi/make small talk or ask nicely either#she just straight up was like ‘hey can you watch my aunt’s dogs during (x) week?’#she recently congratulated me when I posted on my Instagram story that I passed my driving text and got me license but I didn’t respond#I just have a lot of difficult feelings about her now/wish I could unfollow her but I don’t wanna start shit & her be all in my face & shit#jazz uses curse! 💜
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okay. i am going to continue being stupid. and lowkey embarrassing. and a big stupid fucking idiot. i don’t know what’s wrong w me just ignore me forever okay? okay <3
#why why why why why why why why#i don’t even know what to say anymore my brain is going one thousand miles per hour and it’s all STUPID !!!!#why am i lowkey 24 years old a grown ass adult with literally the stupidest circumstantial crush rn#i don’t even wanna admit that’s what it is cause like. girl. why am i the worlds biggest idiot#i want to bash my head into a wall i don’t even know his name! i never spoke to the man! i know nothing! about him!!#im usually rlly good about not letting myself get all worked up over ppl i find attractive#but for some reason this feels out of my control. i’m trying to just like. get over it. but my brain just won’t stop being so FUCKING#stupid and it’s SO embarrassing!!#what i’m about to say is especially embarrassing to admit but like. idk what to do idk why this happening#i keep catching myself like. daydreaming abt what it would be like 2 hold his hand or give him a hug#i just wanna wrap my arms around his neck and feel his hands on my waist and i dont!! know where this is coming from!!!!!!!!#i wish i could spray my brain with a water bottle every time this happens because frankly this is just getting ridiculous#we are not gonna marry the man! we never spoke to him! we’re never going to see him again for the rest of our lives okay!!#get it together dumbass. so we saw a beautiful boy at a wedding reception and became enamored with his mannerisms so what who cares#it doesn’t matter u know! so what if it was attractive how he sat with his leg propped up while he looked at his camera#or how u caught him buttoning and unbuttoning his little jacket over and over. or the way he leaned against the wall to watch the crowd#or his stupid dumb cute lil smile or how the few times you accidentally made eye contact w him ur heart went all pap pap and shit#it was just a fleeting moment! who gives a shit!! get over it!!#god. it’s especially embarrassing cause i’m here obsessed w the man still desperately wishing i could talk to him and idk learn everything#about him. and i know damn well to him i was just some creepy girl who wouldn’t stop staring at him. he probably thinks im like. plotting#his death or something. i’m not. but i should probably plot my own if i don’t get over this soon#idk idk idk i literally don’t know why this is happening!#we’ve seen hot ppl before why is this different! god!!!!!!!#i haven’t felt this way abt someone in such a long time#and it’s just frustrating knowing just how stupid i am sitting here like this#cause i know he doesn’t care. he doesn’t know me. and that’s fine! idk why my brain is doing this!#whats wrong w me genuinely. i can’t control what’s happening is so fucking weird#i truly feel like im going insane i can’t make sense of why this is happening to me#stupid stupid stupid stupid SO embarrassing idk idk#snow.txt
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there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/
#she died two months before my eighth birthday#and every time i realize i’ve lived well over half my life without her i go a little bit insane bc that just doesn’t feel right#like soooo many of my favorite memories are with her how is it possible she was only in my life for less than eight years#my grandpas on both sides died before i was born so all i’ve ever had is my grandmas#and there’s also the horrible guilt i feel all the time knowing my other grandma is still alive but i rarely ever see her#but when i was a kid she lived an hour and a half away from us and this grandma lived around the corner#so we saw her all the time and every christmas fourth of july etc that whole side of my extended family would all go to her house#she moved into that house when my mom was 2 years old and lived there for the rest of her life so 40 years#and when she went into hospice care her one request was to die in that house surrounded by her kids and grandkids so that’s what happened#my parents bought the house after she died but we lived there for less than 2 years before moving to arizona#they’re both from colorado but they met in arizona and me and my sisters were born here#and the main reason we moved back to colorado in the first place was to be near her#but when we moved again my parents sold the house to our neighbors who had two daughters that my sisters and i grew up with#and they’re still our family friends to this day and we used to go on trips to national parks together every summer#we didn’t see them for maybe five years but then two summers ago their older daughter got married and we went to her wedding#which got us talking about how long it had been since our last trip so we went on another one last summer#this has turned into a tangent but it just makes me so happy that they’re still in our lives#and this great family we’ve known almost my entire life is living in my grandma’s house#she had a pool in her backyard which is super common here in az but not so much in colorado#and she let us invite these girls over all the time to swim so they grew up spending almost as much time in that house as we did#last time we were in colorado we went to have dinner with them and swim and it was like being transported back to my childhood#that house is just so special to me and i felt so blessed to be able to go back there since this family bought it instead of strangers#in a perfect world everything would align in a way that would let me buy it when i’m older and have my own family there#i’ve never had a strong attachment to any other house we’ve lived in but that one will always be my grandma’s house in my mind#i just love and miss her so much she was the most amazing grandma i ever could have asked for#my mom still has a lot of her childhood friends on facebook and whenever she would post pictures of me and my sisters as kids#everyone would comment that i looked exactly like my grandma did when she was a kid and that makes me so so happy#anyway. idk. i just miss her sm she was an angel and i’m so happy she was such a big part of my childhood#lj.txt
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sighhhhh made an entire schedule for an imaginary 3mo baby. and wrote down a bunch of notes about how to take care of my imaginary 3mo baby. but then i got rly sad bc i started writing notes about how im going to be working 8 hours a day 5 days a week during the majority of the babys awake time and now im a bit sad . whatever
#Im not having a baby anytime soon i just like planning and researching and thinking about my imaginary baby that i might never actually have#makes me so happy#i do have a disease where i just cant fathom Another person being there. so if there is thats gonna muck up my schedule potentially...#but. i think daycare is a good option if i can find a nice one that i can afford. hooooopefully by the time i have a baby ill have a good#paying job and obviously if there is another parent thatll help with like. money and stuff#sigh idk im trying not to think abt it more but my little momey earlier reaffirmed to me idk if im ever actually going to be able to be in#romantic relationship and that might be for the best. and also idk im just very paranoid that even if i do magically get uncrazy and fall i#love with somebody and im well adjusted enough to have a kid likee. what if they end up being abusive or neglectful of the baby. you know.#its one of my biggest fears obviously id like. talk In depth abt having kids w them before we have kids and wed work out plans and schedule#together but im just very paranoid basically. but. it doesnt actually matter bc this is all imaginary and Again might not even happen.#im also. hrmm. bc obv a big costsaver daycare wise would be having my parents watch the baby if im living in the same area. however#i have very very specific rules for how ill interact with my baby and i dont know if i trust. my parents. to interact with them the right w#like mainly when they get older one of my big things is that i never ever ever want to yell at my baby i never want to like. yk. i dont wan#to Snap or get angry ik its normal to get overwhelmed and overstimulated but i dont want my kid(s) to like. see me being overwhelmed or#upset w them. you know. but i dont know if i can trust my parents not to snap at my kid . yk. not that i dont want them to meet my kids i#i love my parents despite All that but. idk if id be comfortable leaving my kid alone with them the majority of the day.... yk. maybe#weekend visits once the kids older but i will be Sitting my parents down and Lecturing them . abt how to treat my kid#ik ppl r usually better as grandparents than as parents tho. so hopefully they like. idk. im just very paranoid abt if i do get to have kid#if i do reach a place where i can have kids and take care of them properly like i rly rly want to im rly worried abt like. i just want my#kids to be happy and welladjusted and have a good life And well see this is part of the reason im not ready for kids is bc i place too many#expectations on them already. and i shouldnt go into having a child w a savior complex i shouldnt have a kid for the gratification of#being the one to give the kid a good life. not that i shouldnt want to give the kid a good life but like. you know what i mean. i shouldnt#have a kid just so i can vicariously live out a happy childhood through them. you know. which i fear might be what im subconsciously doing
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I hate that travel is so expensive it's awful
#like. idk i grew up traveling#not flying but like. we had a large tent and wed go out for a couple weeks and just camp around#and then we got a (used) pop-up camper and wed go on almost 3 week long roadtrips hitting national parks and cool areas#which ik isnt everyones way to vacation but we all loved it#ive been to almost all 50 states now#and its fucking hard to get out of south texas to go anywhere its like over 12 hours from where i live to oklahoma or NM#and we can generally keep food in our camper which cuts back on costs if we cook the majority of meals (with 5+ ppl)#and we have camping gear and expenses which im not counting in costs but do count towards the trip#and that its usually during summer and my father (then unemployed) and my mother was able to get all those days off to do these trips#but like. idk#if you have the chance to travel you should#i live in texas#and [redacted city] which is a small city but generations of families live here and DONT#- LEAVE EVER (its a little culty but eh) and soooo many ppl dont ever leave texas#bc its hard#and its easier to get to other states if you live in like. tge northeast us or europe or whatever#but there are so many cool and pretty and interesting places for whatever youre interests are#idk#small rant ig#also gas prices#crazy in some places im used to like. less than $3 a gallon so anything above like. $4 is crazy to me#one good thing about south texas ???#nightjay blogging
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i hope daisy invited faz to his wedding and let him have three plus one's so that he can bring his three wives and
#i think daisy is getting married today#idk#khanh was with one of daisy's mates and then he's sitting next to Mrs Silvagni??????#the bongiorno-thomas wedding is happening#i need photos#i want photos of tilly as the flower girl#daisy signing the marriage papers to become Mr and Mrs Bongiorno#going through all the italian initiation steps#living his dream#alex whispering to shae and the second wife 'this is what i should've made you do' when daisy places a piece of rigatoni on his#'you may kiss the bride' khanh passes him a bowl of spagbol and daisy and natasha each pick up a piece of spaghetti and put in their mouths#daisy's piece of spaghetti leads to khanh who's still holding the bowl and#natasha just like DAISY HAVE YOU NEVER SPAGBOWLED BEFORE and he's like I SPAGBOWLED EVERY NIGHT BEFORE A GAME#daisy is busy rolling a meatball with his nose toward natasha#natasha just like 'stop being obsessed with balls' and just open mouth kisses daisy#natasha successfully transports the meatball in her mouth into daisy's mouth and they're married!!!!! the crowd cheers!!!!!!!#'we're trying this at home' faz whispers to his wives with a bright glint in his eye#his first and second wives both gulp nervously but his third wife has some deranged smile on her face and#the third wife is a deranged italian and faz is so glad and just so proud of her and
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