#idk i kinda hate myself rn
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#smashing pumpkins#rotten apples#greatest hits#vinyl#music talk#i shouldnt have bought this...#i justified it bc i got one for a friend too#and better to get this for 45 than spend 500+ on the full albums im missing#idk i kinda hate myself rn
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
#I love doing leather but sales have been kinda low this month#and like its definitely as a result of my relative inactivity on here plus not making much new interesting stuff y'all haven't seen before#but idk I'm feeling very uninspired creatively right now and idk#and idk I just have no fucking energy right now like just fucking zero I'm so so so so so so so so so over this I hate this#idk I just wanna fucking puke and kill myself rn I'm just so unable to manage my ADHD right now#idk#everything feels bad right now#but I don't feel like I have any energy to fix it
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This reply is hidden because you have blocked the author
“Hmm… I kind of wanna unblock just to see what they said.”
*sees everyone disagreeing and arguing with the reply*
*pats myself on the back*
#I did unblock them though#I do every single time#why am I like this#turns out it was a character anti starting problems for no reason#acting like people would agree with them for hating on a very well liked character for the stupidest reason#and I mean a really stupid insignificant reason#anyways#posting this to remind myself to just not let curiosity get the best of me next time#even though I said that last time#pjo#percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#heroes of olympus#hoo#can you guess what they were anti of and why?#blocked tumblrs#my beige flag is that I love blocking people#like it’s bad#especially when I’m already pissed off#but it’s kinda good because at least I’m not arguing which I love/hate to do#annabeth chase#character antis#it’s always the character antis#I would’ve just said antis but I think that means anti proshippers right?#idk I don’t want the pro shipping discourse rn#if you scroll through my account you’ll probably find it#not me acting like anyone is gonna check lmao#I’m literally just yapping at this point#relatable#maybe
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man.
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#gonna say I'm venting a bit (kinda of a lot)#but I may seem selfish from this and let me say now ik everyone was putting themselves first (which is a very good thing)#but having three mutuals deactivate their accounts within I think two months or so??#I rlly don't like to be negative and I might also take a break from Tumblr (as much as I love posting here#so I'm still unsure if I'll even stick to that) bc of how negative I've been lately#I just don't want to keep venting and putting that on everyone so#but yeah I just. It makes me sad to see old/new mutuals go#I never thought I'd have to like#witness it#Idk#I've cried over losing them all and it feels rlly silly but I mean idk#I (try to — my feelings with crying are iffy and I hate admitting I do cry) not cry over everything but I just can't word stuff rn#might be posting less/not posting at all for the next few days or so#I'm gonna be busy in July anyways so it's probably better to just say that now#sorry guys I'm just dealing with some stuff mentally lately (an example being gender dysphoria but I can't even word the stuff going on#not to sound like I'm overexaggerating bc I rlly don't wanna seem like I am. It's nothing too serious so don't#be worried at all pls I'm ok enough I won't just disappear)#I just wish I could have alone time in my room with my cats without my family bugging me for a few days#It's tiring atp#I wanna lock myself up just to recooperate and figure out how to deal with certain things the best I can#anyways yap fest over I'm gonna go play wuwa and build Jinshi more#sorry for venting again 🫡🫡
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another vent in the tags ugh i should try and do something nice rn
#my pains got so bad again that i threw up again#it's tiring because. i can't even eat atp without worrying about whether it'll make me feel so nauseous i throw up#the doctors wanted to try another new medicine but its put straight in the rear and. shouldnt be shit out. and. yknow. IBD ....#so i obviously do shit it out like immediately ... bcus i cant help it#i probably have to call them on monday to let them know ive started throwing up too#couldnt even go upstairs today without taking breaks bcus of the stomach pains#and theres so much blood all the time#i need to. think about something to distract myself from this bcus i know i shouldnt be ashamed of my condition and i cant help it#but im ashamed anyway and im frustrated and hate myself because i cant do anything else but lie down rn. cant even sleep for the most part#i get like 2 hours sleep max in a day#i kinda wanna draw my apex oc but i suck at designs and idk how to design her clothes LMAOAOA#just wanna draw her interacting w people tbh#also i want more alter content but idk what to make#i just love her
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currently trying to find a balance between being close friends with people and putting my all into relationships, and keeping them at arms length and it being semi casual, so i don’t hurt myself
#i don’t wanna push people away or isolate myself#it’s just friendship is harddddd#especially right now as i’m still dealing with a lot#like i’m mostly recovered from the manic episode#i just wanna put things in place in my life so i can better deal#not just in the event i’m manic but just in general#tho honestly all i seem to do lately is fix my life and it doesn’t really happen#but i keep trying because what else can i do?#i guess i’m just trying to take things slow#but also my fatal flaw is my impatience#but honestly anybody in my situation probably would be#no one wants to sit around for things to get better#even if i’m doing it for myself i’m still waiting as i put things in place#bc nothing happens instantly#soooo 🤷🏻♀️#idk i’m kinda torn between hating small talk and also kinda needing it?#like putting everything into relationships is exhausting#just talking casually is kinda easier for me rn#and i need to find better ways to deal bc i can’t just trauma dump on my friends#even if they’re fine with it#it’s not healthy#a certain level of talking about your problems is fine but there’s a stage where it gets to be you should probably be talking to a therapist#instead of a friend#bc your friend can only help you so much and distractions only go so far#you need like actual help at some point#even if you won’t admit it to yourself#bc honestly i’ve been through this a million times#and you always have to hit rock bottom before you admit you’re in too deep#i hit my rock bottom recently#and now i’m crawling out and paving over that hole i fell through
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14 hours of good sleep let’s fucking goooooo
#Seven’s Public Diary#period mention#cw periods#cw menstruation#will vent tags be necessary for this one idk#the diary tag in and of itself kinda Is a vent/personal tag#i love (read: hate) how i announced that i was gonna be quiet for an unspecified period of time the other day#and have still been half-ass chatting and vent posting ever since#this isn’t good what happened to my ability to be concerningly silent for weeks on end. i can feel myself becoming annoying again#anyways. it wasn’t the Perfect sleep given that i was awoken 3 different times throughout#but! i fell right back to sleep every time so it’s all good#i have Not been getting enough sleep lately so even though that was a Lot.. god i feel good rn#amazing how sleep restores my sanity. i never feel more like Myself than right after waking up#And my period finally started so i am soon to be free of this hormone storm#maybe in a few days i’ll feel more normal again! imagine that#not that i’m Ever normal. but back to my baseline insanity y’know#wow semi-positive post in the diary tag for once? groundbreaking
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ok maybe this is why I don't think much abt self-shipping when I'm in a bad state of mind
#[ ★ nervo vents ]#to no one's surprise I'm venting a bit#need to stop venting on main anyways#but yeah even then I start to think that fictional characters would hate me#not want to even be friends with me#like ???#I'm such an obnoxious person sometimes#like I'm loud and it's one of the reasons why irl I'm so disliked/hated by ppl#so what makes me think a character like Blade would like me??#and do I rlly think I even have a chance with anyone fictional or not?#they're all wayyy out of my league#and I also still think it's embarrassing for myself to indulge like this#I can't word exactly why rn#but idk#like I do try to respect ppl and their boundaries and whatnot#but even I don't know the tone/volume of my voice and when I'm told I'm being loud and “ppl are looking at me” and to “be quieter”#I just kinda shut up and follow behind like my family or friends or smth and look down at the ground#ig trying to hide from the eyes of others??#Idk I hate being the center of attention#damn this got deep real fast#uhhh#basically I'm saying that even if I tried not even a fictional character would like me#alright negative yap session over#gonna have my earbuds charge and try to type up a short late night fic for myself
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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I feel so weird and upset about my birthday coming up so. Expect lots of Self Indulgence Writing when it's Saturday
#you can still say happy birthday i just#idk the passage of time is fuckin me up rn#also just mourning the child i could've been 🤪👍#anyway#vent post#kinda. anyway.#don't feel pressured to offer comfort j am a big boy i can take care of myself!#idk i hate venting but yeah. anyway.
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hi :3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#do you guys ever hate the personality/ies of a friend or of friends despite loving them#me at like. 3 of them rn LMFAOOO#idk i love them still but ://#anyway hiii :333 i hope you all r well !#i am at school and kinda chill but also really stressed but mostly due to uhhh like 6 specific reasons#Grounding myself fr. anyway#actually 7 reasons. maybe 8!#i love my friends but sometimes i know i would Not be friends with them if we weren't in the vicinity#idk man damn these ppl would not be my friends if it weren't for the way things are bcs of school and shit#glad i have friends ik i can genuinely be w for ages tho :3 mwah#anyway#AGGGGGHHHHHHH okay i am getting my life together
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sigh 😔
#so fucking frustrated with my sleep rn!#was trying to fix it so last night i slept like??? 3/4? hours?#and i literally refused to go anywhere near my bed all day. made sure i was always doing something and i waa quite productive tbh#only to feel exhausted at 10.30pm and think ok. Maybe you can sleep now and get a full sleep then wake up early#i can usually only sleep 6 hours at a time which is enough for me i think#anyways so i fall asleep. only to fucking wake up at 11pm. so i basically just had a nap#and i know what im like. i wont be able to sleep for at least a couple hours now so basically my sleep was fucked#i tried so hard to just force myself to lie back down and try to sleep again but i couldnt do it#i know its not that big a deal but im just so. fucking tired. and i guess i just kinda hate how hard i tried to sort my sleep just for it#to fail so miserably. like its usually not great. hasnt been for years but this is honestly on some other level.#anyways idk why im here complaining about it. will probably delete this later. time to go do whatever awake ppl do i guess#le text post
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Do you think I should text him be honest
#fjjdkdkskdksksk posts my therapist would kill me for#especially because she knows him from another patient well it's complicated#but i kinda need the validation rn#that I'm doing the right thing#we haven't seen eachother in almost 4 years now#he kinda used me like every other person from that period of my life so idk??? am i hurting myself with this#it's complicated but also i miss him a little#we used to have nice conversations and he was kind to me#jfjdjdkdkks i hate not having friends anymore#screw this maybe I'll text him when I'll finish these exams
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#self image insecurity vent lol ahhhahahaha#I feel myself falling back into major insecurity#I thought I had ‘grown out of it’ for lack of a better phrase and kinda just accepted that I’m some people cup of tea and not others and#that’s okay#but for whatever reason it’s shifted back to the ‘I don’t find myself attractive so therefor everyone is lying’ mentality#which is what I held in middle-high school#I hate how frizzy my hair is but I don’t want it to get more damaged#I hate my roots#I hate my nails#I hate my skin#I hate just about everything about my body aside from the softness of my skin and my height#the only thing I like about my face is my eyes#I hate my smile I hate my teeth I hate my nose#idk I’m in a weird spiral rn and I don’t know how to deal with it bc I’ve not been this self conscious in literal years#🖤.az overshares
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I'll be honest w y'all i do not intend on catching up w yj any time soon
#i think the finale aired? i saw a tweet ab the finale#but i just. do not care i must admit#i was so excited ab this season this show was a comfort show but the aspects of the fandom ive seen lately just. not good don't vibe#i think a Lot of the s1 and waiting experience for me was fandom based so this show is very fandom oriented for me#and knowing that everyone ive seen talk ab the show on twitter is violently hating the main character that draws me to the show is. mhm#like dont get me wrong i like the girls too!! theyre all mostly pretty likable for me its just.#im at a. specific point in my transition rn where im more drawn to male characters just bc of like. where im at idk#i dont feel like i have to explain it tbh but i also do bc i have seen fans of this show get attacked for far less#but going into s2 ben was my#my main interest i guess the main focus for me and maybe that's stupid but its what it is#and so everything just being the entire fandom hating him is just. not making me wanna watch at all#like im not gonna speak on if they're justified in hating him or not bc i have no idea i havent seen it and its truly not the point#like theyre valid for hating him and im not tryna talk shit on them for it it just kinda has been so loud that im not having fun anymore#idk. idk where this is going or what the solution is like i love this show but genuinely#can not bring myself to watch bc i will not enjoy the moments my favorite character is on screen bc i will Know people r loudly anti him#so im just kinda staying away i guess#idk. i kinda want them to. kill him off so i dont have to deal w it anymore#but i also know that when they kill him off people will be loudly celebrating and maybe thats worse#idk. i think the only way for me to win here is to change how i feel ab ben and not care ab him and join the hate train but i don't want to
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