#and have still been half-ass chatting and vent posting ever since

[seventh-district]

14 hours of good sleep let’s fucking goooooo

[yikesharringrove]

ok so i just had a dream about this and i feel the need to tell you because its prime protective Billy shit. So after the whole mind flayed thing Steve and Billy get to be pretty close friends, and almost immediately they both fall for each other HARD, but both of them refuse to believe the other could ever like them, despite Robin screaming at both of them to just ask the other one out already. (pt.)

(pt.2) one day some random dude comes into the video store and starts flirting with steve, who figures he hasn’t gone on a date since Nancy, the guys cute, sure he’s not Billy but he seems nice enough and steve is also just very lonely, so they set up a date for that Friday at 6:00 and Steve is pretty excited. When he gets to his house and tells Billy, who was there for their wednesday horror movie night, billy tried to seem happy for him even though he ready to kill this guy

(pt.3) Billy does a pretty decent job at hiding his feelings about the date, and he doesn’t want to hold Steve back, but when he gets home he calls Robin and bitches for a sold 30 minutes, she just tells him if he’d got his shit together and just asked Steve our this wouldn’t be a problem. So the day of the date rolls around and Billy doesn’t see Steve all day, can’t bring himself to see him so excite to go date someone else. Around 6:15 his phone buzzes with a call from Steve             (pt.4) he answers and when he does Steve sounds awful, he’s been crying for a while. Asks if Billy can come pick him up, and billy speeds his way there. When he shows up and sees steve leaning against the brick wall rubbing away tears he loses it. Asks him what happened and Steve quietly tells him his date was a huge asshole, flirted with the waitress, pointed out the scar on steve’s hairline and told him he’d be a lot cuter without it, but don’t worry you’re still good enough for a fuck

(pt.5) Billy is ready to kill someone, he hugs steve and drags him to his car and tells him to stay put, slams the door and gets inside before steve can argue, find the guys pretty quickly, grabs him by the collar and spits out some pretty harsh words drops him to the floor and leaves. They are both quiet on the drive back but when billy drops steve off at his house he sheepishly asks him to stay, when billy tells him it’s a bad idea steve says okay and kisses him goodnight. Billy almost faints. 

I am SO SORRY this took a thousand years, it got a lil lost in my inbox.This is modern, Billy got possessed but the kids burned it outta him, everything else is canon.

“Who the fuck is that?”

Billy was “helping” Robin re-shelve, which meant he was pulling random movies off their shelves and putting them in different spots until she noticed and yelled at him.

She looked in the direction Billy was glaring, looked to see Steve batting his eyes as that guy, the tall jocky guy that comes in a few days a week to flirt with Steve.

“Oh, that’s Ben. He comes in all the time and flirts with Steve.” Billy’s eyes were dark.

“And does Steve, does he always, flirt back?” Robin rolled her eyes. Billy was so bad at acting nonchalant.

“Yeah, Dingus really has a thing for him. Talks to me nonstop about him.” Of course he talks about Billy way more often, but Robin is over the two of them being so fucking oblivious.

“Oh. Good for him.” Billy was blinking a lot.

Steve was leaning over the counter, was giggling like a schoolgirl.

The bell over the door jingled. Billy was gone.

-

Wednesday nights had become a tradition. Billy and Robin would come over to Steve’s, would take turns picking scarier and scarier movies.

It all started because Robin thought Steve should expand his horizons, and Billy liked the way Steve would get scared, would hide in Billy, would shove his face into his chest, or his arm, or wiggle his way into his lap.

But he was not in the mood for a movie tonight. Not after watching the way Steve had gone all bashful earlier.

But he found himself pushing open the double doors anyway.

“Bill! Guess what!” Steve was jamming around the kitchen in thick socks and little shorts, a faded Hawkins High Swim Team sweatshirt, and his glasses, like he was trying to fucking kill Billy with how adorable he is. “I got a date!” Billy’s heart thumped to a stop.

“You, you what?”

“I got a date! With that cute Benny that comes into Family Video. He asked me out! We’re gonna go to dinner on Friday!” Steve was so fucking excited. Billy couldn’t find it within himself to bring down the mood. “I just, you know how lonely I’ve been, and, I haven’t been on a date since Nancy.”

Steve was rambling, going on and on about this fucking guy. Was talking over the movie, which normally, Billy would think was kinda cute, but it was all, Benny said the SWEETEST thing, or look at this meme Benny sent.

Billy was about four second from tearing his hair out.

He was driving Robin home after movie night needed to vent.

“Look, I’m not saying I want Steve to be unhappy. I want him to be so happy. But I just, I get a bad feeling about that Benjamin guy.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Well if you had gotten your head outta your ass and just asked Steve out like I fucking told you to, you, Billiam could be going on a date with our sweet Dingus.”

“I just, after everything this summer, I didn’t know if, if he was ready, and he never really seemed the same after the Nancy shit.”

“That’s a lame excuse and you know it.”

It was. And he knew it.

He avoided Steve the next two days. Couldn’t deal with all the excited posts on Steve’s secret Insatgram account, the one just for his friends.

Apparently he had done a face mask, had taken a fucking candlelit bath. He posted outfit options on his story.

Billy spent Friday chain-smoking in bed, yelling at Max whenever he got kicked off Netflix for too many screen in use.

Steve was getting picked up at 6. Had been posting a fucking countdown on his story. Billy wanted to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

When 6 came, Billy was working out, listening to loud, angry music as he lifted weights. He was trying his fucking best to keep his mind off of Steve, that fucking Benjamin.

But his music was interrupted by his phone going off, Steve’s contact picture filling the screen, a silly one Billy loved of Robin shoving marshmallows into his mouth. He could fit 17.

“What’s up?” It was only half past 6. Something must’ve happened. “Stevie, are you okay?” He could hear Steve sniffling.

“Bill, could you come pick me up?”

Billy was already out the door.”

“Drop your location, Pretty Boy. I’m on my way right now. Don’t move. I’ll be there soon.” Billy sped to the diner.

He saw Steve sitting on the curb outside, his face buried into his knees.

He had gone with outfit option number 4 from his Instagram, a thick cardigan, made of soft dark green wool, his nice jeans, the ones that made his ass look great, and a soft t-shirt. His hair was the most done Billy had seen it in a while. It made Billy’s heart break.

He pulled into a spot, dropping to sit next to Steve.

“You wanna talk about it?” His eyes were red-rimmed, glazed over as he loked at Billy.

“He was, he was so different from how he, how he was. He kept ignoring me, and flirting with the waitress, and he kept like, pointing out the scars on my face, like, like the one here,” he poked at his hairline. “And he said, I’d cuter without it, but, but that I’m still okay for a fuck if he took me face down, because, because my ass is the only thing I got goin’ for me-” Billy pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Baby. You’re so much better than that, than him.” He kissed the mark on Steve’s hairline. “He still in there?”

“Yeah. I asked him to take me home and he said if I was gonna give him blueballs he might as well fuck the waitress. Since she’s hotter than me anyhow.”

“Stay here.” Billy got up, cracking his neck as he walked into the diner. He found the guy right away, was smiling so sleazy at the waitress in question who looked like she’d rather die than go out with him, but needed a good tip. He stared at her ass when she walked away.

Billy sat in the seat across from his.

“So, Benjamin. Figured you and I ought the have a little chat.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“My name’s Billy.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“God, Steve wouldn’t shut the fuck up about you.” Billy’s heart swelled, but he was on a mission.

“Steve is the best person in this whole God-forsaken world. And you dare treat him like he’s shit on your shoe. You’re fucking disgusting.” He reached up, pulling on the collar of his shirt, slamming his nose into the table, letting his head bounce back up.

“What the fuck, you psycho.”

“He is like sunshine, he is the only thing good in this fucking town, and you have the audacity to hurt him. He is made of love, and you could;ve had him, but you’re a garbage human who deserves jack shit.” He stood from the table, Ben’s nose bleeding into a mad of napkins.

“If you don’t at least text him an apology, I will be breaking more than just your nose.”

Billy stood up, sweeping out of the diner to find Steve waiting by the passenger seat of his car. They drove to Steve’s in silence apart from the odd sniffle from Steve.

They sat for a moment in his drive way, the car off, crickets chirping in the bushes.

“I heard what you said.” Steve’s eyes were wide, his face shadowed.

“And?”

“I didn’t know you felt like that. About me I mean.” Billy sighed.

“Stevie, you are probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I, I love you.” Billy was fidgeting with the steering wheel.

“You mean it?” Billy just nodded, looking straight ahead through the windshield at Steve’s house. “I love you too. Like, a lot. I just thought, maybe you didn’t, didn’t feel the same.” Billy whipped around to look at Steve, see if he was lying.

All he say on his face was such happiness at Billy’s admission.

“You should stay the night.” Steve’s hand was closing around his wrist.

“Look, if we’re gonna do this, I wanna do it right. I wanna, take you out, and spend time with you in a, in a romantic way before we, before we do anything.” Steve’s eyes were so soft.

“Okay. You wanna go out tomorrow? We can do something chill, like, like see a movie.”

“I would really like that, Pretty Boy.” He took Steve’s hand.

“Can I kiss you goodnight, then? Kiss you thanks for saving me back there. Being my knight in shining armor, defending my honor and all that?” Billy’s mind was spinning as he breathed out yeah.

Kissing Steve was as perfect as he always thought it would be.

His pretty lips were soft, and he made these breathy little noises into Billy’s mouth, their hands were still clasped together, Steve’s other holding onto Billy’s bicep, Billy weaving a hand into Steve’s hair.

Steve’s eyes were closed when they pulled apart, they were soft when he blinked them open.

“So, tomorrow then.” Billy grinned, pressing a kiss to his nose.

“Tomorrow, Pretty Boy. I’ll call you in the morning. We’ll talk.” Steve danced like a loser all the way up to his porch, making Billy laugh and flash his headlights. He stumbled through the front door.

Billy texted Robin right when he got home, sent her a simple Benjamin’s the worst but you’ll be happy to know I pulled my head outta my ass :)

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,

[howtotrainyouragents]

For the headcanons ask: Alya Cesaire, Mako from LoK, Mack from AoS, and then any character that you really want to answer for but haven't been asked, if you please! :)

Yayy, thanks for asking!! Here’s the original ask game if anyone’s curious. Haha, this got SOO long, but I had a lot of time to kill soo:

Alya Cesaire, my sweet child who might be the only one in the bunch with a brain cell: 

Headcanon A:  realistic:

Absolutely does the dumbest things for the scoop. Nora has every right to be worried because her lil sis is a dumbass,

Her website is so freaking legit (She gets interviewed by legit news sites, like come on!) She has bios, dates, damages, and ongoing information about akuma attacks. She’s building up profiles on Ladybug, Chat Noir, Hawkmoth, and the other superheroes. People are shocked to learn there’s not a whole team behind it but just one very dedicated teenager. She’s going for the Pulitzer Prize.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

So she’s a comic book fan right. She’s as nerdy as they come. She cosplays  (thank goodness for a genius designer friend) and goes to all the cons (thank goodness for a rich friend). She buys all the limited editions. She does fundraisers for kids. And anyone who is a jerk or gives her a hard time for being a girl/kid is gonna get  punched in the face (Thank goodness for a boyfriends who restrain her and then, upon failing, covers for her ass so that she doesn’t get kicked out or grounded).

She loves movies, she loves running outside and exercising, she loves pastries, she loves doing her nails and posting fun videos!

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

She misses Martinique so much. She loves Paris and her friends there but it’s just not the same. The warm weather, the friendliness, the dialect,  her extended family. They moved because of Nora and her dad and mom’s jobs, but ugh whenever she Skypes back home, it hurts so much.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

She and Trixx have a complicated relationship because she’s all about the truth and Trixx is all about the illusions. It takes her a while to get it right and a while to see how clever Trixx is with their words and manipulation. She wanted to ask Ladybug for another miraculous, but learned that she was able to see things in shades of gray rather than black and white because of Trixx and that makes her a smarter journalist

Mako (MAKO, MY BABY!!!) 

Headcanon A:  realistic: 

He’s a little nerd. He always wanted an education and could never get it growing up. So he’s patient, he reads, he studies, he’s a fast learner. Lin Beifong is very proud of him; Tenzin wishes he could switch him and Korra out sometimes.

He’s always going to be the dad friend, always looking out for everyone’s wellbeing  (no matter how bad he is at it), always providing and taking care of the others. He carries photos of his friends(+ferret) in his wallet and shows them to everyone whether they asked or not. He’s uptight and falls alseep in movies and makes bad jokes. He’s an Ultimate Dad

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Now that’s he’s a cop, he loves to treat his friends. Getting them into the secure events, joyriding, treating them to dinner.

He and Asami love to race each other. He’s usually super uptight and worried, but when he’s relaxed, he and Asami have so much fun testing out new Satomobiles. Bolin always referees. Korra used to race too but she’s been banned because she uses her Avatar powers to win. So she just gets to joyride when the others are taking a break.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

It took him a long time to get used to his firebending. He had started training with his mother but after their murders he became too terrified to firebend. It was only when he learned that he could be a probender that he began to learn his powers for real

Learning lightning was the hardest and scariest thing he’s ever had to do. He had to have so much peace and patience, and he just wasn’t there yet. Their probender mentor taught him the skills but he was still so full of rage and grief. It was only on one afternoon hanging out with Bolin and Pabu that he realized there was still  hope and happiness to look forward to. His parents wouldn’t want him to be stuck like this. Fire was ambition. And his ambition was fueled by his love for his brother. He would do anything for Bolin. He took Bolin outside and for the first time he bent lightning. Bolin and Pabu smothered him in hugs and they got his favorite noodles that night.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Make FireFerrets still a thing. I can’t believe we only got one season of the awesomeness that is probending (and all the complicated implications). I wanted Fire Ferrets to last at least for a few more tournaments and have them winning and them being able to use the money to set the brothers up comfortably and for Korra to be able to live a little more independently.

Mack (who literally deserves the world and I will fight you on this) 

Headcanon A:  realistic:

Learned his love of mechanics from his father. He continues to work as a mechanic on the side even as director, as relaxation and to remind him of his family

He also is the only one who is actively learning the traditional SHIELD training protocol for becoming a spy, i.e. learning languages and such. He’s slow at the languages (#Turtleman) but he’s much farther along than anyone else.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Hosts massive video game tournaments online and is a legend in the gaming community. Also, and absolutely is a gentlemen online. Harassment? Pedophilia? Foul or sexual talk? Mack is coming after you and he will destroy you. Only good people allowed. Newcomers and minority groups worship him for this because he makes everyone feel safe and included 

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He wishes he really did quit SHIELD and went back to just being a mechanic. Everyone likes to tease him about wanting to quit, but he is genuinely so heartbroken over seeing so many friends die or disappear. He has nightmares about the day SHIELD fell. He stayed because he was capable of doing something to help and it was the right thing to do. But selfishly, he wants peace in his life. He wants happiness and normalcy. He doesn’t want nightmares of losing his friends, his love, his daughter

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

He meets up with Bobbi and Hunter all the time. Facetimes them. Plays betting pools with them. Gets drunk. They’re friends for life and F anyone who gets in the way. Honestly he gets a hoot out of their shenanigans and they need him to keep them sane. Also they love Yoyo; half the time they call Mack its because they want to talk to her.

Simmons! Wow, apparently I had a lot headcanons for her. What a good murder child :)

Headcanon A:  realistic:

She doesn’t have a freaking MD, so she’s taken accelerated courses in her spare time in order to be able to pull off surgeries and cleanings and whatnot

She’s the leading expert in Inhuman biology. She’s constantly being consulted but also will sometimes make up crap to get the government  off of SHIELD’s back

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

After Daisy, she’s easily the most dangerous of the group. Not because she can fight (because she’s only moderate at fighting), but because she has no mercy. She will leave you for dead on the operating table. She will fire your ass. She will throw a bomb at you and syringe you full of poison. She might even shoot you, and she will sacrifice herself when necessary. Simmons believes she knows what’s right and wrong and she’s learned to take matters into her own hands, everything else be damned.  

She and Fitz finally get their cozy apartment with the breakfast nook. Everyone visits for brunch on the weekends (Daisy visits for breakfast everyday) and Fitz cooks while she studies because she’s a morning person and it’s a get-up-at-6-workout-study-breakfast routine. She has a study just for herself that’s just full of biochemistry and Inhuman biology stuff. It’s a cutesy English-Scottish apartment (she and Fitz had many rows about how to decorate, more Scottish or more English, and they finally decided on half and half). 

She plans all the movie nights and bakes cookies and family dinner. She has weekly late night talks with Daisy, sitting under the covers of Daisy’s bed. She has frequent date nights with Fitz which ends with lovingly bickering while one’s brushing teeth and the other’s showering for bed. She loves to ramble on about her science to anyone who will listen and Mack loves to listen the most because he just doesn’t like to talk much and it turns out they love the same punk rock music so they just hang out and she gets to talk. 

Coulson and May have definitely become her adoptive parents because her family doesn’t know half of the stuff that has happened to her (she could tell them but she doesn’t want them to worry about her.) Coulson gives great hugs and tells her take a break. May gives her a drink and lets her vent. And when Elena and Deke join, she’s does the same for them and passes on the love she received. 

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

Even before she joined Coulson’s team, her family was disappointed in her. Ever since the Academy, they had no idea what she does or what she’s done since. She loves her parents and siblings but she feels so damn distant. She’s like a ghost who only comes for Christmas. Just one of her brothers knows what’s really going on with her and when he first found out, he didn’t speak to her for months.

She’s just been through so much that she’s terrifed of being alone. Going undercover, being stranded on an alien planet, being a servant, losing Fitz (she really needs therapy omg), that she’s just scared to be a alone. She’s English, so she doesn’t usually do visible signs of affection. But after everything she’s been through, she stands a little closer to people, she holds onto whosever arm is nearest, she plays with hair and cuddles and reaches for anyone’s hand just to know her SHIELD family, her true family, is still around. And when they’re not: She still carries around a shiv.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

How about she gets therapy? How about she calls out Fitz for some of his crap because they both know that its healthy to be honest with each other? How about she gets her own storylines where she continues to do science and learn inhuman biology and help others because that’s who she is and that doesn’t make her weak or uninteresting *microphone drop* 

[caught-in-a-lie-blog1]

[!]

this might be it.

you guys know i’m not as active as i used to be. i go days without blogging sometimes, and i think you deserve and explanation.

this blog used to be a safe space for me. i could vent without the fear of judgment. i could talk about my love for various idols. i could share my writing and art. but lately it’s just been too much. i was originally going to make this post pretty vague but i realized that might come off as passive aggressive so i’ll just be blunt.

i started feeling this way when the issues with plagarism on the russian website came to light. there had been plgarism issues within the fandom before but none of them scared me as much as this. while i was not plagarized from, i follow lots of people who were. no one deserves their work stolen. fortunately, everything was dealt with, but i still had a pit in my stomach. i was and still am petrified of being stolen from, and that’s why i’ve hardly written anything despite having this blog for over half a year.

it was after that when i started being more wary of the fandom. i started paying more attention to the toxicity that was evident. i witnessed people being sent hate for their choices when it came to who they write about, what they write about, when they update, etc. it’s disgusting to send hate to people over their own creative choices. even though i’ve only been sent hate a few times, i couldn’t help but wonder, ‘what if they do that to me too?’

moving on, the next big thing was when that group of fairly popular BTS writers were exposed for being bullies. you all already know that i believe the callout was necessary and that i support the vicitms and how they chose to deal with it. we know that those writers had a group chat in which they said horrible things about other writers. they mocked people for making personal posts, they made fun of other writers and their work. i feel so guilty for making this about me when i wasn’t even a victim (at least not that i know of) but ever since then, i’ve been terrified. i don’t want to open tumblr because of the fear that someone is mocking me behind my back. i don’t feel safe.

after that, it just kept getting worse. i saw armies downvoting other groups comebacks for no reason. i saw armies harrassing Wale as if he was some sort of leech like the entitled 12 year olds they are. i saw armies always trying to act like the victims when they were in fact, not. i saw a mutual harrassed for months on end by nasty anons, to the point where they made a hate account dedicated to her. i saw armies defending BigHit and their treatment of Jin when it has clearly impacted his self worth. i saw terrible behavior everywhere i looked and it made me realise that this fandom is so immature and disgusting and toxic. i recently stumbled across a blog that had stated their opinion about BTS and armies and was sent thousands of horrible qnd vulgur hate messages for a long period of tume. you say “not all armies” and while that may be true, it’s most armies and i’m tired.

not only is this space no longer safe for me, it’s also hindering my love for the boys. everyone says not to let fandoms ruin something you love, but that’s hard to do when all i see is negativity. someone saying ‘BTS’ used to give me a fuzzy feeling in my stomach. it used to instantly make me happy. but now whenever someone mentions BTS, my face drops and i’m reminded of all the stuff i see on a daily basis. i’m reminded that this fandom is anything but supportive and is a toxic wasteland, that they think they own creaters of content, that they think they own BTS themselves.

these boys are my life. these boys kept me alive. these boys always used to be my source of love and support. they were there for me when i had no one to turn to and helped me through my biggest slump. they encouraged me to get better, to keep living, to be proud of who i am. they give me the strength to get off my ass everyday to work towards my dream. i love them with all my heart, and i’ve been crying the past hour because i can’t stand the thought of them being ruined for me. i can’t stand the thought of living in a world where BTS only gives me negativity because they mean so, so much to me.

i know this is already so long but i need to get this all out.

i think i’m leaving tumblr, as well as all my fandoms. while i’m proud of BTS and i will still support and vote for all my bias groups, i’m not proud to call myself an army anymore. i can’t keep doing this when all i feel is stress. being in a fandom should not be stressful.

i’ll stay for a few more days just to make sure it’s what i really want, but it’s not looking good. i’ll let you all know when i decide to leave for good, and i hope you understand. the mental stress is too much for me to handle.

if any mutuals want to contact me, you can message me and i’ll give you my other social media handles.

i’m sorry.

[vidaandthecity]

When You Say I Do, But Your Friends Say I Don’t

Ask a married girl what has changed since she ventured into wedded territory and she will reply, “Everything!” I thought about this as I recently have been coming across a lot of married girl problems both in my personal life and in my friends. I see my married friends posting and venting on Facebook, some have laid out the “girl me too!” as we chat about our challenges, and there are articles on top of articles describing the married girl disconnect.

The disconnect I’m talking about is the reality that some of those who were your friend while single will most likely not be your friend after marriage. And that is ok.

This disconnection does not creep up immediately. At least, for me it didn’t. I guess it’s because when you first get married, everyone is in celebration mode. There’s the bachelorette party, the ceremony, the honeymoon, the gifts, the congrats, the on-going “Hey Mrs… how does it feel to be married?” Everyone is digging you and your new relationship digs, and you too are swept away with this new amazing feeling.

But once the champagne goes flat, and the thank-you cards have been sent, gifts opened, and perhaps that one year anniversary starts to steadily approach, you start to see that “casada cagada” syndrome hit, as the Dominicana in me likes to refer to it.  Married chicks know what I mean. It’s that time when your phone rings less and less, when your single girls who used to be your right-hand homies are now chilling without you, invitations are slim to none, and your hot Friday and Saturday club rendezvous are now romantic evenings sipping on wine with your husband while watching your favorite show on Netflix. Still wonderful just different.

It’s a bittersweet life overhaul. Its saying goodbye to the single you and all the people and places that once pertained to it and courageously embracing this new you who is now part of a dope ass team. The new you who is now collaboratively working towards a dream, raising a family, and creating new memories and new adventures. Some women are totally submersed in that new world. And that’s totally okay. But if you’re like me, you know how important balance is. You know how important your friendships are and you want to remain close to your friends, the real deal ones, who had your back pre and post marriage.

But unfortunately, it’s not always about what you want. It is also about the mental space that your home slices are in. Because while you want to still nurture and share a friendship, your friend might not feel the same way. This can come to be for different reasons. Maybe you moved half way across the country after getting married and the friendship just fizzled out. Maybe she’s super needy and needs 24/7, round the clock attention, if that’s the case let’s keep it 100, you’re married now, you might even be a mom now; you can no longer offer so much of your time and attention. If your buddy can’t deal with that maybe its best they exit stage left. Maybe your friend is single and living the single life to an extreme, clubbing, parties, cocktails, men, men and more men, if that’s the case you can’t roll with her because as a married woman that’s just not cool and beyond disrespectful to your significant other. You already have a wingman and that’s your husband.

Maybe she hates your husband and they just don’t get along, I think that’s obvious why that friendship just won’t stay afloat. Or perhaps some of your girlfriends just feel that now that you’re married you don’t get the single girl struggles anymore. They incorrectly label you as having a perfect life and not fully getting what being single is all about. Getting married does not mean she forgot the 10 to 15 years she was a single gal kissing frogs on the subway. Being married does not disqualify your homegirl from engaging in single gal convo and giving solid advice. Because they too went through the struggles of dating and heartbreak, that pain stays with you long after you move on. Furthermore, your single homegirls should understand that marriage is a lot of work. It takes an entirely different type of effort to keep your marriage fresh, exciting and fruitful. Marraige is hard work, there are good and not so good days. Finally, theres the friend that might be low key jealous of your marriage, this one perhaps is the most dangerous. A true friend whether she’s single or not, happy in love or not, would not be hating on your happiness.

David Plotz, cleverly refers to these disappearing bff’s as last timers, in his clever article, “This Is The Last Time I Will Ever See You.” He goes on to write,

“But the most poignant last-timers, the ones who really matter, are the people who once were profoundly important—stalwarts in a terrible time, co-adventurers, the dearest of dear—who, not because of geography or profession, but because of the eddying currents of life, are already drifting away from you by the time of the wedding, even if you don’t realize it. There is no break, just the conspiracy of inconveniences.”

I love his choice of the word inconvenience. Losing a BFF at a point in your life when one part is coming together while the other is falling apart is inconvenient at its best. It is painful and it hurts like hell. But we forge on. We form new friendships, new connections. We surround ourselves with people who accept this new aspect of our lives and can be truly happy for us, perhaps because they too are married and can relate or simply because they love you and want to see you happy. I think it’s also important to know that not every friend you have is meant to go on into this new chapter in your life. It is important to realize and recognize our own shortcomings in the friendships as married women who now might not have as much time to spare to these past relationships. Own up to where you fall short and work on those things, because your true friends are worth it and friendship is a two way street. Make sure you're pulling your weight as well.

But the best advice I can give is to know, deep down in your heart of hearts, that your real friendships, the ones that are made of honesty, sweat, blood and tears; the friendships that have carried you through storms, and celebrated your triumphs, wont crumble under pressure. They are everlasting. They are pure and beautiful and worth balancing along with all the other new and beautiful things you have happening in your life.

*image courtesy of google

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 5

... "And in case you're still reading... You weren't hiding anyone... When I warned you about my ability to figure shit out, I was giving you the chance to come clean... I told you I just wanted to know. We could have worked something out. Something more pleasant. And YOU... I can't even be vague enough on here for you. You should have listened before...

Gods I could go on forever... Just to finally be heard. For my words to finally be understood? It's not as though I ask for much action, or even a physical presence... A voice, an ear, or some lines of text.

Just stop fighting me... Stop lying... Stop fucking flirting, and stop trying to fix me! I just want some fucking honesty and support! I try so hard to do whatever I can for any of you who come to me. I have sacrificed a great deal for some. The least you could do is humour me for a bit...

/vent

Going to make this last bit quick; FB keeps trying to crash my phone and not posting this, and making me rewrite shit and I need to stop c-c

If you really need to comment or ask a question or whatever, I just ask that you do so in private and just be nice. Please? I've been avoiding social media and my phone in general (save those I felt I could trust and felt safest around...). I don't want to deal with any more crap. I just want to feel normal again, and a lot of people I've been going to or who have come up to me have not made that any easier. I can only hope I've made it clear to any of you, personally, that I have appreciate what little you were able to do for me. Especially not knowing the details about him or anything else that happened last year. I was so determined to fight everything without being too much of a burden, by trying to be sneaky in my search for help.

I didn't want pity! I thought that the less you all knew, the easier it would be to find a friend willing to give me the time, and once things went south it made things worse... For myself and those involved. I hope that it doesn't stick to any one of you, now that I've left you alone or you've left me behind. I get it... Still don't like it. Doesn't make it any less my fault.

If I get any of your usual responses I *will* get pissed off. Don't want to deal with any shit... I've had enough..."

The feedback from the was... Mostly undesirable. I got the responses I specifically asked not to receive, was promised more attention from those who lost contact with me and never received it, and all males tried taking advantage of my "vulnerability". I'm not an idiot...

On October 28th, I went to a Halloween party with my landlady and a friend of hers. She was on her phone the entire time, her friend vanished to go hit some dabs or whatever-the-fuck, and a gal mistook me for an ex's ex (I don't believe they're together) as we wore similar outfits (I saw her go by once that night), and so smacked my ass. Discomfort and awkwardness around. We were at Johnny B's, which added to the anxiety as I worried I would run into a different ex: If I am not friends with my exes, I am more or less terrified to run into them.

I wanted out of here... Around 1:30 I was convincing Corey to come take me home, as I was wearing a corset and fluffy skirt, shoes with heels (hate heels...), it was cold, and my ankle didn't let the cold or the shoes (I was wearing my cosplay from RTX). He finally agreed to come get me, and I invited him in to come chat as we used to - we were not together.

We fell asleep after I curled up to him, still not feeling all that great from my trip to Portland, which I told him. He rarely stayed a whole night, let alone not demand sex. I woke up to him yanking my pants down...

I have been called a liar, a whore, and accused of begging for attention by calling rape. Gods forbid I seek attention or support from those around me at all... I have lost many friends over this.

March 18th it was brought to me attention (in an irritating and vague way) that he had been arrested for sexual abuse. Because of my cowardice, he attacked someone else and on March 8th he was admitted to the local jailhouse. There are now three counts under his name. I don't know if it's from the same gal or others speaking up, but I wish I had the courage and finances to add to his sentence... His bail is set to $50,000 with no release date posted.

I have grown colder and bitchier than ever before, trying to explain to some why this is the case and faced with zero patience, tolerance, or support. Through everything, I have been alone.

I smoked heavily after this, trying to forget. Cut myself off from everyone around me. Eventually I started reaching out to those I was most comfortable around and now they are gone. I am too broken to them...

Puppy insisted I stay with him for a week up in Portland. My stay started off terribly... There were mobs going around to prostest Trump: Breaking windows, starting fires, vandalizing and shit, and he lived a few blocks from where they rallies took place. I kept him up-to-date on when my bus left and when I would arrive - texting him several times as the bus entered the city and I grew closer to the station.

Waiting outside the station, bums who frequented there would ooze closer and a couple confronted me. He assured me he was on his way with his friend (who I was eager to finally meet). Discomfort and anxiety increasing as I was surrounded by these strange people trying to talk to me, I finally made my own way to his place; Puppy's place wasn't all that for from the station, just across the street and over a small bridge.

He finally made it to the station just a few minutes after I got to his complex - he was furious. I was scared and alone... He knew when I would be there! I kept him up-to-date! Why wasn't he just there...... Why would he leave me waiting like that... Alone...

I very much enjoyed the short time I was able to spend with him... He had to work, but we had a couple days to venture out. He also forgot what day I was leaving... It felt like he wasn't at all pleased with my visit... I was mopey and slow from not feeling well, and I wasn't smiling much... I completely destroyed my time with him...

I spent my days watching videos to help me smile more, reading one of the books I got at Powell's, and cleaning his apartment. I swear that boy hadn't cleaned since the day he moved in. It was the least I could do for him - I wanted to feel useful again and care for him as he cared for me... I wanted him to feel relaxed and comfortable and come back to a clean environment. I wanted to see him smile... His smile is my absolute favorite sight, and he always hid it from me because he doesn't like his smile lines. I adore him. Every inch of him... He was my muse, my comfort, my confidence, and my joy.

I don't need him for these feelings, but he was a major source of these that I greatly welcomed - I appreciated his presence far more than he could ever understand or that would matter to him... I wish I could have done the same for him... He's so hard on himself... If he wasn't such a poop-face. But it doesn't matter... He has made it perfectly clear that I am too broken for him... Saying he just wants to focus on himself, only to inform me he's found someone he wants to get close to... Always when I start smiling inside again... I truly wish him luck in finding a mate that will allow him to see all the amazing colors in life that he's missing. I wonder if he ever figured out what those new colors I showed him meant... I hope they weren't bad colors...

- Sidenote: He told me once long ago so I can't remember the name or details exactly, but he sees moods/feelings as color: Synesthesia, I believe. I looked it up to be sure, but there are several different types of color associated sensory conditions, and I don't know all he experiences.... Sensory experience* sounds much better than "condition". Wiki says it's a "phenomenon".

Honestly... I could write just as much as I have now about all he means to me and my interactions with him on the two and a half years I've known him... So...

We visited Powell's, checked out the art store near his place, and took a bus to the comic and pet shops he goes to. I picked up a few books and comics that I very much want to complete, and I had such a great time being out and about with him. I had shut myself away after what had happened... I'd been feeling so dead inside. Still a bit of a shut-in, but I'm finally getting out more to get some things done.

Living with who I am... I continue to struggle with feeling at all decent about myself... Corey being in jail has made job searching easier, as I no longer live around the area he frequented and there's no chance of bumping into him, but my legs have grown weak since my accident at Michaels and it has made me a tad lazy... It doesn't take much anymore for my ankle to start hurting, and my knees have grown a tad wobbly. My confidence is still shot, depression less crippling but still heavy, and I'm just not the bad-ass chick with the smile that brightens any room, anymore...

Actually... There are so many more details I want to get into - of my recent days and those from events I've already described - but I feel I've said enough... I have no one to talk with and I just wish to speak. For someone to finally listen to me and sympathize in some way. To not be spoken to in a textbook, regurgitated manner. I miss having someone to connect with... A back-and-forth conversation about anything: troubles, success, interests, displeasures, complains, approvals - everything.

Ducky told me long ago that it is important to vent... Before he and I got together I bottled up everything and he saw how it was destroying me. Those years before him have been condensed and intensified this year and a fouth, with all that has happened in this short time... There is so much left unsaid.

Today (upon writing this) the family gets together to pick what they want of Grams' old possessions... I have been drinking this afternoon... I'd picked up drinking so I could grow sleepy enough to pass out as my roommate games late into the night and I cannot find sleep. Today I drink for stress and anxiety and sadness. This will not become a habit; I have always been good at avoiding being consumed by addictive substances.

As much as I repeat to myself on a daily basis that I should not exist, I will live on and continue to fight. And no; my roommate does not comfort me, console, or converse with me. He is just there. Sharing a room with a dude suuuuuuucks and I am glad I did not accept his confession. He has proven to be disgusting, wasteful, and inconsiderate. I am still thankful for the invitation to stay here, though. It's just difficult and tiring...

고맙습니다, thank you.

([I hope I wrote that right, I'm still learning and have found too many ways to say the same thing... 고마 ㅝㅛ?)]

[grin-and-fox-it]

Hmm. The main thing I realize when I consider my recent ex-fp is knowing that, looking back on it now, if I had a choice of putting my vent posts aside on an unknown, hidden blog she couldn’t have any way of seeing them... I would’ve still put them up in a place she could see. I would have still posted them in places she could read those. Since seriously, I know I could not have discussed the aftermath with her one on one. It wasn’t a simple case of ‘oh shit I’m splitting’.

More often than not, when I go back to mental looping because I’m doubting myself, the first evidence I pull up is the fact I vague posted about her while I was riding out my betrayal rage flares. It was a wild ride of whip-lashing disillusionment, deep seeded hurt, and unadulterated rage. Text rage which, I would say, I had some semblance of remaining forethought to mellow my word choice in even during my most long winded rants. Almost all of which contained mountains of questions as my doubt kept cycling. I didn’t trust her anymore, I don’t trust her anymore, and maybe the fact she saw that is what made her angry. I don’t really know.

I recently looked back through my phone at videos I’d recorded during the car ride I had been in with her and her boyfriend. Me throwing around jokes before shit began hitting the fan. When I watched those videos? I became physically nauseous to the point I needed to leave the room to throw up. I don’t know, for all I know she’s.. mentally blocked out what went on during our car ride because of him or if she’s hand waved it but... This isn’t even a case of, ‘oh my boyfriend has a temper because he’s had a hard life’. Fuck that? Plenty of my friends do too, my partners do. I can handle people who have tempers.

It’s the fact he intentionally poked and prodded at me. The fact he threatened to slap me awake when I tried to pretend quietly sleeping during an exceedingly stressful car ride to and from Yellow Stone National Park. The fact you couldn’t tell he was testing me for a facial reaction while he was driving? It’s the fact he asked me to my face “why I’m so damaged”, it’s the fact he used that bloody map he took back from me as an excuse to threaten to throw me out of a moving car. A car I had no way of removing myself from without blowing my cover. A car I couldn’t ask to step out of for a breather without inconveniencing you two. How about the fact he felt it acceptable to have a discussion in a speeding closed vehicle about child abuse, pedophilia, sexual assault, and to threaten me with physical harm on multiple counts? Because hey, “that’s just the way he is”, right? 

Yeah. Okay. I’m expected to be forgiving of that when you don’t have the capacity to sack-up and forgive me being rightfully betrayed and revolted by what happened? The fact you’re oh so hurt by me vague posting that you text me saying “you need a break from me”? Because you can’t handle being the bad guy, right? Yeah, that’s too much for you. Then I’m expected to CONTINUE to interact with you so YOU DON’T feel ignored and hurt by my waning interest? When you barely respond half the time or full stop don’t respond at all? Because that’s all your depression, right? And the fact I’m expected to forgive all of that but you can’t shoulder me vague venting about you and that man in the only spaces I have around the only other people I’ve got who will listen? Because I take steps to put it on this platforms so I don’t accidentally overload the other people who are helped me ride out those waves of conflicted emotion? Because I knew I’d lost you and I didn’t want to lose the other support I had around? Bite my ass. 

FUCK YOU, S. FUCK YOU BECAUSE I COULDN’T COME TO YOU FOR COMFORT. YOU NEVER MADE YOURSELF AVAILABLE FOR THAT WHILE I WAS RECOVERING. I CHECKED MY TEXT HISTORY, GO AHEAD AND TRY TO TELL ME YOU GENUINELY WORKED AT ASKING ME HOW I WAS MANAGING AFTER YOU DROVE OFF. I HAVE EVERY REASON TO STILL BE IN PAIN ABOUT THE ONE AND ONLY TIME YOU’VE EVER BOTHERED TO VISIT ME DESPITE HOW MUCH YOU’D TELL ME YOU LOVED ME! FUCK YOU! AND THE ONLY TIME YOU DO COME WASN’T FOR ME, IT WAS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WANTING AN ALL-ACROSS-AMERICA ROAD TRIP. I WAS A MEASLY STOP ON THE WAY. A STOP ON THE WAY WHO RUINED YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND RUINED YOUR FUN.

A road trip you could only have the sweet privilege of going on if he came along. A man you told me to my face you were worried about introducing me to. A man you KNOW has a history of harassing people with PTSD. A man who likes to turn your ex-boyfriend with DID into the butt of a joke. Yeah, your ex-boyfriend was pretty abusive. But guess what? You stalked his blog right back and don’t even bother trying to deny it. I remember all those chats we had about you commenting on something The Ghost Squad would post. The only point they could get away from you checking on their blog when you should have cut ties was when they were forced to password lock their page. Because that’s how much you increased their paranoia by not cutting ties once and for all. And I’m fairly certain you check my blog too just like you did to The Ghost Squad. And probably to turn what I say or vent about into jokes about me being dramatic, irrational, or any other number of things. You don’t get to act like the princess about everything.

It only even when super down hill when that man you’re dating right now continuously hurt your ex-boyfriend, dragged his trans gender status through the mud by your own admission, and he blew up. You told me yourself you USED to defend Cecil to John until you realized how exhaustingly fruitless of a task that was. And y’all blame him for it. You and John both blame Cecil for finally losing his marbles after you shove around someone with DID that way. You say Cecil liked to pick fights but I still remember our own conversations when you’d be just as flustered by John for pressing Cecil’s buttons. Because you just want everyone to be nice and get along, right? More and more I’m getting the impression that’s what you want out of people even in situation where it isn’t reasonable. ‘Because X doesn’t hurt me so it shouldn’t hurt others either, it isn’t a big deal.’ 

From what you say and Cecil’s other ex has said, I do not doubt The Ghost Squad was a shit group. They hurt you, they used you in a number of ways. I’m not questioning any of that. But the more I think about my own situation? The more nauseated I become. I hate how you constantly talk about your depression as to why you’ll lose your temper with people or you’ll not have the energy to interact or to spend time with people “unless they physically show up on your door step”. But you have next to no allowance for others with other conditions and other symptoms. As soon as those symptoms come up, it’s an inconvenience for you that you don’t want to have to juggle. You know what I remember the most about our past interactions S? It’s me stressed out at work, pacing around while I text you to talk you down from “wanting to drive your car off a cliff”. Because you texted me that enough for it to be a prominent enough memory. And yet you still refuse to go back to seek the professional treatment I know you need, treatment that even your abusive ex-boyfriend asked you to go to. Bills you have from your short attempts on that which you still use as evidence against them.

Let me tell you a little secret. People who have issues tend to not single out a specific person to blame their issues on. People who need therapy tend to not say “this one singular person is the reason I needed therapy”. Nah. You’ve needed therapy for a while now. That isn’t something to be ashamed of. But the fact remains that you do need that, Cecil or no Cecil. And I wish you’d stop spending money on your impulse purchases in order to go find yourself a therapist who fits you best. You’re just using the therapy bills as other chunk of ammo to hit the memory of your ex-boyfriend with even when it isn’t really reasonable to do so. I’d say it was the right call recommending that to you even if that ex had been the one causing you damage. I think you intrinsically have hit a breaking point of not being able to be any degree of emotional support for others and you need to come to terms with that soon instead of misleading people. You don’t HAVE to be that for others but fuck, quit misleading people, would yah? You don’t have to be a supportive friend if you’re finding you can’t handle that type of intimacy anymore. It’s possible what you told me Cecil pulled short circuited you or there’s something else going on.

And you know what? You’re right. You don’t want to have to juggle it. And I know I tried my damnedest to vent to you or around you S as little as possible. I typically did go elsewhere for that. But I don’t really want to frequently chat with someone who tells me she loves me no matter what, that she will always be here for me, but after I have a sobbing meltdown because of your boyfriend’s CLEAR symptoms... You can excuse what he did to me? But you can’t move past the fact I’m still angry? Fuck yeah I’m still angry. You don’t get to decide for me when I should stop being angry. That road trip destroyed something very precious to me. A relationship I treasured but a relationship I know is ultimately damaging for me because of how much you’re willing to excuse when you love someone else. If I’m not your tip-top favorite I am in danger because you will not put much effort into looking out for me when I’m threatened by someone you choose to spend time around. And finding out you are prone to blaming others when you do that to them is... infuriating. Because I honestly believed you were more than that.

Sure, because of my mental health I’m prone to splitting on people. But for I’m calm, right now for example, I can sit here 98% sure she genuinely fucked me over. And no morning trip to Denny’s for breakfast where I beg her to let me pay due to my own guilt at having a PTSD meltdown is going to fix that. You do not get to do that to me and then go on, drive ahead, and experience the rest of your fun road trip vacation with the same boyfriend who put me through that horrendous mess. It wasn’t just what he said or what he did or his intentions that you couldn’t discern, it was the fact that YOU OF ALL PEOPLE brought him around me while already pretty much knowing better. Because you wanted to have fun. And at the end of the day you having fun with all three of us meant more to you than asking me questions that could have secured my safety.

There are a dozen different routes you could have taken, none of which you chose to take. Your communication skills are hampered at best and you clearly have problems of your own you need to sort through. And if you truly did not have the capacity to do any of those other routes because communication is THAT tough for you? Then.... I can’t work with that. But you don’t really get to see my immense self blame about something you and your boyfriend caused and then just... Not bother to even text me something like, “It wasn’t your fault.” Or even, “I don’t hate you. / I don’t blame you.” Simple, short, something at the very least. You tell me you can’t talk to therapists but I’m decently sure you chose not to, you don’t want to talk and I suspect there’s more behind that on the reasons why than you’re willing to admit. 

This isn’t just me staying angry. This isn’t just a case of me splitting on you. This is you and your boyfriend both having dragged multiple aspects of my past trauma out for no viable reason. No other reason than he just fucking felt like bringing it up. And you were too used to him talking that way to blink twice at it. And you likely labeling me as someone over reacting. Guess what, honey? This is what trauma does to people. Not everyone reacts to trauma or very specific triggers in the same way especially when around people who make it their goal to pick that trauma out like some sort of game. This is a case of me being absolutely floored for going on a year now because of what went down and the resulting discombobulated mess that arose from all of it. This is me finding out you don’t really have any respect for me as a person. I’m not saying this shit to slight you. I’m saying it because you’re under the assumption this can be fixed or we can just go back to the way we were before once I feel better or something long those lines.

I don’t WANT to hear your excuses. S, the worst you could say would be, “They vague posted about me.” And once I actually allow myself to process that? I feel so much better. I feel like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I allow myself to consider that for once. When I fully let myself be angry or recognize the fact I have zero professional help right now, wrestled with my symptoms over that time frame decently well, I didn’t NEED NOR WANT you to be my therapist. But I wanted you to at least ask questions. And you pretty much did diddly zilch aside from trying to get away from my panic stricken ass. If you cannot deal with people who have problems? You should probably slap a warning label on your forehead before befriending folks if you plan on keeping John around, just saying.

I’m so beyond nauseated right now. You want to be pissed off about my vent posting? If you’re still repeatedly checking my blog you don’t even follow anywhere anymore, go ahead and be mad at this vent post. I’m fuckin’ done.