#and have still been half-ass chatting and vent posting ever since

[seventh-district]

14 hours of good sleep let’s fucking goooooo

[yikesharringrove]

ok so i just had a dream about this and i feel the need to tell you because its prime protective Billy shit. So after the whole mind flayed thing Steve and Billy get to be pretty close friends, and almost immediately they both fall for each other HARD, but both of them refuse to believe the other could ever like them, despite Robin screaming at both of them to just ask the other one out already. (pt.)

(pt.2) one day some random dude comes into the video store and starts flirting with steve, who figures he hasn’t gone on a date since Nancy, the guys cute, sure he’s not Billy but he seems nice enough and steve is also just very lonely, so they set up a date for that Friday at 6:00 and Steve is pretty excited. When he gets to his house and tells Billy, who was there for their wednesday horror movie night, billy tried to seem happy for him even though he ready to kill this guy

(pt.3) Billy does a pretty decent job at hiding his feelings about the date, and he doesn’t want to hold Steve back, but when he gets home he calls Robin and bitches for a sold 30 minutes, she just tells him if he’d got his shit together and just asked Steve our this wouldn’t be a problem. So the day of the date rolls around and Billy doesn’t see Steve all day, can’t bring himself to see him so excite to go date someone else. Around 6:15 his phone buzzes with a call from Steve             (pt.4) he answers and when he does Steve sounds awful, he’s been crying for a while. Asks if Billy can come pick him up, and billy speeds his way there. When he shows up and sees steve leaning against the brick wall rubbing away tears he loses it. Asks him what happened and Steve quietly tells him his date was a huge asshole, flirted with the waitress, pointed out the scar on steve’s hairline and told him he’d be a lot cuter without it, but don’t worry you’re still good enough for a fuck

(pt.5) Billy is ready to kill someone, he hugs steve and drags him to his car and tells him to stay put, slams the door and gets inside before steve can argue, find the guys pretty quickly, grabs him by the collar and spits out some pretty harsh words drops him to the floor and leaves. They are both quiet on the drive back but when billy drops steve off at his house he sheepishly asks him to stay, when billy tells him it’s a bad idea steve says okay and kisses him goodnight. Billy almost faints. 

I am SO SORRY this took a thousand years, it got a lil lost in my inbox.This is modern, Billy got possessed but the kids burned it outta him, everything else is canon.

“Who the fuck is that?”

Billy was “helping” Robin re-shelve, which meant he was pulling random movies off their shelves and putting them in different spots until she noticed and yelled at him.

She looked in the direction Billy was glaring, looked to see Steve batting his eyes as that guy, the tall jocky guy that comes in a few days a week to flirt with Steve.

“Oh, that’s Ben. He comes in all the time and flirts with Steve.” Billy’s eyes were dark.

“And does Steve, does he always, flirt back?” Robin rolled her eyes. Billy was so bad at acting nonchalant.

“Yeah, Dingus really has a thing for him. Talks to me nonstop about him.” Of course he talks about Billy way more often, but Robin is over the two of them being so fucking oblivious.

“Oh. Good for him.” Billy was blinking a lot.

Steve was leaning over the counter, was giggling like a schoolgirl.

The bell over the door jingled. Billy was gone.

-

Wednesday nights had become a tradition. Billy and Robin would come over to Steve’s, would take turns picking scarier and scarier movies.

It all started because Robin thought Steve should expand his horizons, and Billy liked the way Steve would get scared, would hide in Billy, would shove his face into his chest, or his arm, or wiggle his way into his lap.

But he was not in the mood for a movie tonight. Not after watching the way Steve had gone all bashful earlier.

But he found himself pushing open the double doors anyway.

“Bill! Guess what!” Steve was jamming around the kitchen in thick socks and little shorts, a faded Hawkins High Swim Team sweatshirt, and his glasses, like he was trying to fucking kill Billy with how adorable he is. “I got a date!” Billy’s heart thumped to a stop.

“You, you what?”

“I got a date! With that cute Benny that comes into Family Video. He asked me out! We’re gonna go to dinner on Friday!” Steve was so fucking excited. Billy couldn’t find it within himself to bring down the mood. “I just, you know how lonely I’ve been, and, I haven’t been on a date since Nancy.”

Steve was rambling, going on and on about this fucking guy. Was talking over the movie, which normally, Billy would think was kinda cute, but it was all, Benny said the SWEETEST thing, or look at this meme Benny sent.

Billy was about four second from tearing his hair out.

He was driving Robin home after movie night needed to vent.

“Look, I’m not saying I want Steve to be unhappy. I want him to be so happy. But I just, I get a bad feeling about that Benjamin guy.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Well if you had gotten your head outta your ass and just asked Steve out like I fucking told you to, you, Billiam could be going on a date with our sweet Dingus.”

“I just, after everything this summer, I didn’t know if, if he was ready, and he never really seemed the same after the Nancy shit.”

“That’s a lame excuse and you know it.”

It was. And he knew it.

He avoided Steve the next two days. Couldn’t deal with all the excited posts on Steve’s secret Insatgram account, the one just for his friends.

Apparently he had done a face mask, had taken a fucking candlelit bath. He posted outfit options on his story.

Billy spent Friday chain-smoking in bed, yelling at Max whenever he got kicked off Netflix for too many screen in use.

Steve was getting picked up at 6. Had been posting a fucking countdown on his story. Billy wanted to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

When 6 came, Billy was working out, listening to loud, angry music as he lifted weights. He was trying his fucking best to keep his mind off of Steve, that fucking Benjamin.

But his music was interrupted by his phone going off, Steve’s contact picture filling the screen, a silly one Billy loved of Robin shoving marshmallows into his mouth. He could fit 17.

“What’s up?” It was only half past 6. Something must’ve happened. “Stevie, are you okay?” He could hear Steve sniffling.

“Bill, could you come pick me up?”

Billy was already out the door.”

“Drop your location, Pretty Boy. I’m on my way right now. Don’t move. I’ll be there soon.” Billy sped to the diner.

He saw Steve sitting on the curb outside, his face buried into his knees.

He had gone with outfit option number 4 from his Instagram, a thick cardigan, made of soft dark green wool, his nice jeans, the ones that made his ass look great, and a soft t-shirt. His hair was the most done Billy had seen it in a while. It made Billy’s heart break.

He pulled into a spot, dropping to sit next to Steve.

“You wanna talk about it?” His eyes were red-rimmed, glazed over as he loked at Billy.

“He was, he was so different from how he, how he was. He kept ignoring me, and flirting with the waitress, and he kept like, pointing out the scars on my face, like, like the one here,” he poked at his hairline. “And he said, I’d cuter without it, but, but that I’m still okay for a fuck if he took me face down, because, because my ass is the only thing I got goin’ for me-” Billy pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Baby. You’re so much better than that, than him.” He kissed the mark on Steve’s hairline. “He still in there?”

“Yeah. I asked him to take me home and he said if I was gonna give him blueballs he might as well fuck the waitress. Since she’s hotter than me anyhow.”

“Stay here.” Billy got up, cracking his neck as he walked into the diner. He found the guy right away, was smiling so sleazy at the waitress in question who looked like she’d rather die than go out with him, but needed a good tip. He stared at her ass when she walked away.

Billy sat in the seat across from his.

“So, Benjamin. Figured you and I ought the have a little chat.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“My name’s Billy.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“God, Steve wouldn’t shut the fuck up about you.” Billy’s heart swelled, but he was on a mission.

“Steve is the best person in this whole God-forsaken world. And you dare treat him like he’s shit on your shoe. You’re fucking disgusting.” He reached up, pulling on the collar of his shirt, slamming his nose into the table, letting his head bounce back up.

“What the fuck, you psycho.”

“He is like sunshine, he is the only thing good in this fucking town, and you have the audacity to hurt him. He is made of love, and you could;ve had him, but you’re a garbage human who deserves jack shit.” He stood from the table, Ben’s nose bleeding into a mad of napkins.

“If you don’t at least text him an apology, I will be breaking more than just your nose.”

Billy stood up, sweeping out of the diner to find Steve waiting by the passenger seat of his car. They drove to Steve’s in silence apart from the odd sniffle from Steve.

They sat for a moment in his drive way, the car off, crickets chirping in the bushes.

“I heard what you said.” Steve’s eyes were wide, his face shadowed.

“And?”

“I didn’t know you felt like that. About me I mean.” Billy sighed.

“Stevie, you are probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I, I love you.” Billy was fidgeting with the steering wheel.

“You mean it?” Billy just nodded, looking straight ahead through the windshield at Steve’s house. “I love you too. Like, a lot. I just thought, maybe you didn’t, didn’t feel the same.” Billy whipped around to look at Steve, see if he was lying.

All he say on his face was such happiness at Billy’s admission.

“You should stay the night.” Steve’s hand was closing around his wrist.

“Look, if we’re gonna do this, I wanna do it right. I wanna, take you out, and spend time with you in a, in a romantic way before we, before we do anything.” Steve’s eyes were so soft.

“Okay. You wanna go out tomorrow? We can do something chill, like, like see a movie.”

“I would really like that, Pretty Boy.” He took Steve’s hand.

“Can I kiss you goodnight, then? Kiss you thanks for saving me back there. Being my knight in shining armor, defending my honor and all that?” Billy’s mind was spinning as he breathed out yeah.

Kissing Steve was as perfect as he always thought it would be.

His pretty lips were soft, and he made these breathy little noises into Billy’s mouth, their hands were still clasped together, Steve’s other holding onto Billy’s bicep, Billy weaving a hand into Steve’s hair.

Steve’s eyes were closed when they pulled apart, they were soft when he blinked them open.

“So, tomorrow then.” Billy grinned, pressing a kiss to his nose.

“Tomorrow, Pretty Boy. I’ll call you in the morning. We’ll talk.” Steve danced like a loser all the way up to his porch, making Billy laugh and flash his headlights. He stumbled through the front door.

Billy texted Robin right when he got home, sent her a simple Benjamin’s the worst but you’ll be happy to know I pulled my head outta my ass :)

[dresupi]

i don’t need therapy, i just need to vent

Darcy Lewis Crack Challenge |  Day 3: Stuck in an air vent | 

Ship: Darcy Lewis/Axel Cluney |  Rating: T  |  Word Count: 3055 |  Characters: Wade Wilson, Jesse Aaronson | Bedlam, Shatterstar, Axel Cluney | Zeitgeist, | Neena Thurmon | Domino, Cable, Peter (Deadpool) |  Prompt: Day 3 - Stuck in an air vent |  Other Tags: Swearing, Crack, Break-Up, Post Break-Up, Reunited and it feels so good, Humor, Group chat, Awkward, Banter, Fourth wall break | 

Summary:

Darcy's stuck in an air vent and ofc her ex is the one who comes to unstick her.

Darcy bit down on her bottom lip and released the green 'button' on her phone screen that would connect her to the communication app she'd designed for Wade.. It was a simple enough app, she'd made one for the Avengers too. X-Force just seemed to use it more.

This mission wasn't supposed to be this complicated. It was supposed to be a quick job. One and done. Break in, steal the intel, sneak out.

But of course, it didn't go that way, because the universe hated Darcy Lewis. Hate, hate, hate, capital H.

Okay, maybe it didn't hate her, but it certainly loved fucking up things that were supposed to be easy and then laughing at her while she scrambled.

She probably shouldn't have tried to do this alone. She was technically a field agent, but mostly, everyone wanted her for tech. And the intel she'd stolen was about that. But field agenting was something she was still green at. But Cable had needed the intel, and everyone else glazed over when she started talking about dismantling the firewall, so. Here she was.

"What is it, Monkey?" Wade's voice responded.

"Wade," she replied.

"Use our code names, dearheart."

"WADE. This is a private channel. No one's hacking in, I promise."

"Still not right, but I can tell by your tone that things aren't exactly peachy keen, so I'll let that slide. My code name is Rainbow Smash, in case you forgot."

She hadn't. But he was right about the' no time' thing. "Look. I got the intel Cable asked for. That part was easy."

"Okay, I sense a but in the future. Or a, however. Probably a but."

"It's a but. These idiots came back from wherever the hell they were and now I'm stuck in this vent because if I shimmy out the way I came in, I'll not only alert everyone in this building with the resulting rumble, I'll probably get mowed down by assault rifles before I can even squeeze out of the vent."

"Where are you now?"

She looked around, her surroundings not helping in the slightest, so she pressed against the smartwatch on her wrist, swiping through all the screens until she found the infrared map.  "Directly above the barracks. No one's there currently, but they will be in a few hours. And the longer I stay put, the more likely this vent will give way and I'll fall into AIM barracks on my ass."

"Damn those AIM bastards for needing a tight ten and a half every night…" Wade muttered. "Listen. We'll get you out. Just sit tight. I'll send someone in to get you."

"Right. Because another person in the vents is what we need."

"Look, you can't go crawling over their heads and risking them hearing you unless we got a clear shot out.  Plus. Two is better than one."

"Only if one of the two is Cable," she countered.

"Noted."

"So you're sending Cable?

"Did I not say noted?" he asked.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Yes. But that doesn't always mean you're doing what I asked."

"I will do what's best for you, Monkey."

She sighed. "Give me an approximate wait time."

"Seven minutes."

"Okay. I'll chill for seven, and if no one's here, I'm calling you back."

"I'd expect nothing less."

She exhaled and lay her head down on her folded arms and started to count four hundred and twenty Mississippis.

Approximately three-hundred-ninety Mississippis later

"Incoming, Monkey," Wade's voice rang in her ear.

"Cable?" she asked hopefully.

"Nah. But I got you the next best thing."

She raised her head off her folded arms, watching as a very familiar face crawled around the corner in the vents. But it wasn't Cable.

"Axel!" she exclaimed, frowning as her ex continued army crawling towards her.

She got back on her comm. "Wade. WADE! I asked for Cable."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Axel replied, his voice on a slight delay in her ear as well.

"Why are you on my comm when you're right there?" she asked.

"Oh right. I kind of have everyone on the same channel. Or Bedlam did. I don't have admin access anymore," Wade replied.

She would facepalm, but she was kind of in an air vent, so she sighed heavily. "Who else is here?"

"Hiya Darce!" came Domino's bright greeting. "Cable's also here, but he's not talking. Typical."

"I would if I had something to say," was his terse reply. "Shatterstar's here too, pick on him instead."

"Only in spirit, I couldn't fit in Doppinder's cab," was the curt response.

She pressed her lips together in frustration. "Wade. I asked specifically for Cable."

"Zeitgeist is the next best thing."

Hardly. She turned her gaze to Axel's. She almost couldn't look at him. Pain bloomed right over her heart and she swallowed back the lump in her throat. This wasn't funny. This was raw and painful and the worst timing of ever for her to have to face him again.

"I don't mean to be rude," she began.

"Cable couldn't fit through the vents, so I'm here," Axel said sharply. "I'm pulling you out because I don't want you to get shot to pieces. Can we please put our personal shit to the side for the next half hour?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, embarrassed to be so perfectly called out for all the right reasons. This was work. Not some awkward night at Sister Margaret's where they caught each others' eyes and slunk to opposite tables, Darcy taking Cable and Domino, mostly because Cable was already sitting across the room from everyone else.

"Awesome," Axel said with a cool smirk.

"Aww, you guys…" Wade cooed on the comm.  Both Darcy and Axel chose to ignore him, as did everyone else in the comm group chat

Axe switched to business mode immediately. Which Darcy was still in charge of her brain enough to admit was totally hot. "Follow me around the corner and they'll pull my cord, yank us both out slowly."

"How did they not hear you?" she asked.

"I crawled in over the laundry room. There was a load in the dryer so they couldn't hear me crawling. Won't have that luxury on the way back, so it's good they're dragging us." He shot her a quick smile that faded immediately. Almost like he'd forgotten for a second that they weren't in flirty banter mode.

"Heya Darce. Bedlam here…" The lower voice immediately shocked her until she remembered that they were all here. All of X-Force. Why Bedlam hadn't piped in during her impromptu roll call, she didn't know.

"Sure, what is it, B?" she asked, slowly moving around the corner.

"I'm out here on the roof with the pulley. Just letting you know that we gotta drag you slowly so the cord we attached to Axe won't snap."

"I'm not that heavy, am I?" Darcy joked.

"What? No! Not in the slightest, but this is a different sort of weight than it's used to. Just wanted to let ya know… … You're not big. You're not. Not what I meant."

Axel snickered a little, stopping when Darcy shot him a look.  "What? You're not."

"It's fine, let's just get a move on, okay?" she replied.

A bead of sweat dripped down her forehead as she followed Axel around the corner. It was an awkward squeeze, but she finally made it.

"Okay. grab my hands," Axel said, holding both out in front of him.

"Just making sure, but… you're feeling alright, aren't you? You're not hungover, or nauseated, or claustrophobic or anything, are you?"

He shot her a look. "If I was, I wouldn't be doing this," he said. His tone taking on a much softer tone that called back to something Darcy wasn't ready to revisit just yet. The break up was too fresh.

She simply nodded tersely and held out both arms towards him.  He gripped her gloved hands tightly

"We're ready," he said.

Slowly, they began to inch forward. Backward for Axel, but down the vent, regardless.

Bedlam had been right. It was slow. Achingly slow.

"D, you alright, baby?" Bedlam's voice came into her comm and she nodded before stopping herself and actually replying out loud.

"Doing fine. I don't weigh too much for the cord, do I?" she teased, even though her heart wasn't in it, what with being dragged slowly through the vent by her ex and all.

"Darcy… you know that's not what I meant. You're a good healthy weight." He paused before continuing, "We'll have both of ya outta there soon."

"Umm…" A decidedly more timid voice joined in. "Is there any way I can mute you guys?"

Axel frowned, tilting his head as he tried to recognize the voice. "Peter?"

Darcy groaned in protest. "Wade. Is Peter with you guys?" He had to stop bringing him to dangerous places like this.

"No, actually…" Wade replied.

"I'm at my nephew's bar mitzvah," Peter replied.

"Why do you have your comm with you?" Bedlam asked, sounding slightly perturbed.

"Well. After Darcy set it up for me, I didn't want to mess it up, so it just… pairs to my headset automatically…"

"Well, just unpair your headset," Darcy said. This was actually something she knew how to fix. "It should send the call back to the app on your phone, and you can disconnect."

"Oh great. Thank you!" Peter sounded relieved, so they all waited a few moments, Axe and herself slowly inching down the vent the whole while. A snail was probably faster.

"Uh oh…" Peter's voice sounded distinctly more echo-y. As did the background noise. Which very quickly became numerous groans of anguish.

"What is uh-oh?" Darcy asked.

"I might have… sent the group chat to the DJ's Bluetooth speakers…"

"Disconnect from the speakers," Darcy exclaimed. "Peter. Just disconnect from--"

At that moment, she and Axe stopped moving. Since they weren't moving fast to begin with, it wasn't jarring, but he grunted out a sound that vaguely registered to her as pain, so she abruptly snapped her attention to him.

"I'm caught on something," he said. "Stop pulling." He released her hands and slipped his arm down his side, rummaging around before ceasing all movement entirely. He exhaled loudly. "Shit."

"Language!" Peter chastised. "You're still on the DJ's Bluetooth… I'm so sorry, these are my coworkers… that last part was for the bar mitzvah guests," he explained. "But really, if you could all watch your language."

"We're kind of in deep doo-doo, here, Peter," Darcy hissed.

"Thank you. Just like that. Thanks, Darcy."

"For the love of--"

"It's my tact belt," Axel concluded, looking back at Darcy. "Something's snagged."

"Great. Take off the belt and we'll go," she said.

"Not that easy, I can't fit it through the loops with everything attached to it. I also can't reach where I'm snagged, so…"

She sighed. "So I need to? Is that what you're so eloquently refusing to ask me?"

He made some sort of movement that was probably supposed to be a shrug. "Well yes. I can't quite bend that way. You're smaller."

"You are," Bedlam piped in, happy to finally be able to save his ass from his combined weight statement before. "You're so much smaller and--"

"Shut it, both of you. Left or right?" she asked, nodding once when Axel jutted his head to the left.

Darcy let go of his hands, inching forward until she could hook her chin over his shoulder and reach down to where he was snagged. She couldn't see what she was doing, but she could definitely smell his cologne and aftershave and laundry detergent. It made her eyes water, but not in a 'jesus-christ-stop-wearing-so-much-product' kind of way. It was more of a triggered memory kind of thing, and she didn't like this in the slightest.

"Okay, I think I found where to unpair the speakers," Peter said.

"Glory be," she deadpanned. "I was waiting with bated breath."

She felt Axel snicker a little, but she didn't really want to think about him at all. She just wanted this to be over. And the sooner she could swear again, the better.

"Uh-oh. Again…" Peter lamented.

"What now?" Axel asked.

"Instead of unpairing, I think I hit the stream button. Now we've got video streaming on the digital projector on the stage…" Peter replied.

"Video of what, exactly?" Darcy asked.

"Zeitgeist's helmet has a cam on it," was Bedlam's response.

"So you're seeing what Axe is seeing?" Darcy asked. "Which is what? Dark tunnel?"

"Well, considering my head is on your shoulder, I'm looking down your backside…" Axel said.

"Turn your head immediately!" Darcy said, sliding her hand around to finally unhook whatever it was from his tact belt.  

"I wasn't doing it on purpose," Axel said softly. "Promise."

"I don't care if you see it. This is just work, right?"

"Right," he said with a short nod.

"But Peter's nephew's bar mitzvah doesn't need to see it. Peter, turn off your phone and leave it off until you leave again."

"I'm so sorry, Darcy," Peter sounded sincere. He always did, but she couldn't be anything but terse right now.

"I know, babe. Just… turn it off completely, should unlink you from everything."

"Peter has left the chat," a robotic voice informed everyone.

She slid the items out of Axel's tact belt and into her hand. She scooted back and handed them to him. It looked like ninja stars, but knowing Axe, it was likely some kind of poisonous lethal weapon of some kind.  Or else it was food disguised as a weapon. "Here. Put that somewhere else."

Waiting for them to start getting tugged again, she reached for his hands as they began to gently move down the vent once more.

Darcy avoided Axel's gaze until they reached the end and he slid out the vent and got out of her way. They were at the opposite end of the roof. There was a small drop, but nothing she couldn't handle if she was flipped around.

Which she wasn't, so she waffled, frowning a little until Axel reached up and plucked her from the vent and into his brief, but lingering embrace.

Bedlam was there, unhooking his cord/pulley system from Axel and the outside of the vent. He snapped the whole thing back into a small box and gestured to the side of the building. "We'll have to rappel down the side of the building there. Doppinder's got his cab waiting out front.

"Are you kidding? He's just idling out there? I thought he dropped everyone off!"

"The others are with him. Cable and Domino. Wade."

"So Domino's keeping everyone safe and Wade and Cable are just…" she trailed off.

"Superfluous, yes," replied Bedlam.

"Well, if Domino's there. It's a shame y'all didn't think to send her into the vent," Darcy joked. "She would have fit and maybe some of her luck would have rubbed off."

Bedlam shifted awkwardly, glanced over at Axel, and gestured to the side of the roof. "I'll set in the grappling hooks. T-minus two minutes."

Darcy watched him leave, frowning a little. "That was weird. I guess he's in a hurry?" she said, taking a step towards him, but stopping because Axel had grabbed her hand.

"Look, I might as well tell you. I volunteered to go in after you."

She frowned. "Why? It would have been easier if--"

"You know I'm a control freak. I wanted to know first hand that you were alright. I couldn't have just… sat down there in the cab and listened. Wade had to send me."

"I would have been fine--"

"I wanted to save you, okay?"

"You didn't save me. You assisted me."

He smirked. "Fine. I wanted to assist you…" He trailed off. "Long story short, I want to be the one you call when you need help, okay?"

"You kind of lost that perk when we decided I couldn't call you for anything else."

"We nothing. You decided that."

"Bull. You're the one who said you were dangerous," she countered. "Too dangerous, if I recall. That whole bullshit superhero excuse that is so old it should be called the Steve Rogers."

"I know what I said. I regret it and I'm sorry. But you were the one who ended things."

"Because you kept Steve Rogering me into non-committal booty-call purgatory! Do you know how many nights of sleep I've lost over you?"

"No, tell me. I'll make up for each one." He raised his eyebrows a little, his tone monotonous and droning.

She laughed. "Ass. You know I don't lose sleep for anything."

"But I understand the sentiment. I'm sorry if being my non-committed booty-call made you feel anything less than wonderful."

"This past month's been a whole lot less than wonderful, Axe."

"Look, I know. It's been hell for me too. I want to do this the right way. I want to be the one you call for everything. Doesn't matter what. You made too many cookies? Call me. You're lonely and you don't want to fall asleep alone, call me."

"What if I need tampons?"

"Call me," he said, chuckling a little.

"Um. Hi. Ms. Lewis? Mr… Geist? Just letting you know, you were talking way longer than two minutes," Doppinder said over the comm. "Not to interrupt, but the meter is running…"

"Oh my god," Darcy reached into her pocket, scrambling to disconnect from the app on her phone. Axel did the same, but everyone had already heard. "Doppinder's on the comm?"

"He's why Wade doesn't have admin privileges anymore," explained Axel. They both turned and ran towards a very impatient Bedlam.

They all three rappelled down the side of the building and made a break for Doppinder's cab. Slipping into the backseat, Axel squeezed between Bedlam and Cable. Darcy hopped into Domino's lap, her legs stretched out over everyone else's.

Wade reached for the handle beside his head as Doppinder peeled out and turned around.

Domino glanced over at Axel after a long quiet moment. "Will you pick up tampons for me, too?"

Axel shrugged. "Text me a picture, so I know which ones to get."

Darcy's mouth quirked up a little. She was so gonna kiss his brains out later.

Wait. She didn't have to be so PG, she could swear again...

Eh. You know what I mean.

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,

[howtotrainyouragents]

For the headcanons ask: Alya Cesaire, Mako from LoK, Mack from AoS, and then any character that you really want to answer for but haven't been asked, if you please! :)

Yayy, thanks for asking!! Here’s the original ask game if anyone’s curious. Haha, this got SOO long, but I had a lot of time to kill soo:

Alya Cesaire, my sweet child who might be the only one in the bunch with a brain cell: 

Headcanon A:  realistic:

Absolutely does the dumbest things for the scoop. Nora has every right to be worried because her lil sis is a dumbass,

Her website is so freaking legit (She gets interviewed by legit news sites, like come on!) She has bios, dates, damages, and ongoing information about akuma attacks. She’s building up profiles on Ladybug, Chat Noir, Hawkmoth, and the other superheroes. People are shocked to learn there’s not a whole team behind it but just one very dedicated teenager. She’s going for the Pulitzer Prize.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

So she’s a comic book fan right. She’s as nerdy as they come. She cosplays  (thank goodness for a genius designer friend) and goes to all the cons (thank goodness for a rich friend). She buys all the limited editions. She does fundraisers for kids. And anyone who is a jerk or gives her a hard time for being a girl/kid is gonna get  punched in the face (Thank goodness for a boyfriends who restrain her and then, upon failing, covers for her ass so that she doesn’t get kicked out or grounded).

She loves movies, she loves running outside and exercising, she loves pastries, she loves doing her nails and posting fun videos!

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

She misses Martinique so much. She loves Paris and her friends there but it’s just not the same. The warm weather, the friendliness, the dialect,  her extended family. They moved because of Nora and her dad and mom’s jobs, but ugh whenever she Skypes back home, it hurts so much.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

She and Trixx have a complicated relationship because she’s all about the truth and Trixx is all about the illusions. It takes her a while to get it right and a while to see how clever Trixx is with their words and manipulation. She wanted to ask Ladybug for another miraculous, but learned that she was able to see things in shades of gray rather than black and white because of Trixx and that makes her a smarter journalist

Mako (MAKO, MY BABY!!!) 

Headcanon A:  realistic: 

He’s a little nerd. He always wanted an education and could never get it growing up. So he’s patient, he reads, he studies, he’s a fast learner. Lin Beifong is very proud of him; Tenzin wishes he could switch him and Korra out sometimes.

He’s always going to be the dad friend, always looking out for everyone’s wellbeing  (no matter how bad he is at it), always providing and taking care of the others. He carries photos of his friends(+ferret) in his wallet and shows them to everyone whether they asked or not. He’s uptight and falls alseep in movies and makes bad jokes. He’s an Ultimate Dad

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Now that’s he’s a cop, he loves to treat his friends. Getting them into the secure events, joyriding, treating them to dinner.

He and Asami love to race each other. He’s usually super uptight and worried, but when he’s relaxed, he and Asami have so much fun testing out new Satomobiles. Bolin always referees. Korra used to race too but she’s been banned because she uses her Avatar powers to win. So she just gets to joyride when the others are taking a break.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

It took him a long time to get used to his firebending. He had started training with his mother but after their murders he became too terrified to firebend. It was only when he learned that he could be a probender that he began to learn his powers for real

Learning lightning was the hardest and scariest thing he’s ever had to do. He had to have so much peace and patience, and he just wasn’t there yet. Their probender mentor taught him the skills but he was still so full of rage and grief. It was only on one afternoon hanging out with Bolin and Pabu that he realized there was still  hope and happiness to look forward to. His parents wouldn’t want him to be stuck like this. Fire was ambition. And his ambition was fueled by his love for his brother. He would do anything for Bolin. He took Bolin outside and for the first time he bent lightning. Bolin and Pabu smothered him in hugs and they got his favorite noodles that night.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Make FireFerrets still a thing. I can’t believe we only got one season of the awesomeness that is probending (and all the complicated implications). I wanted Fire Ferrets to last at least for a few more tournaments and have them winning and them being able to use the money to set the brothers up comfortably and for Korra to be able to live a little more independently.

Mack (who literally deserves the world and I will fight you on this) 

Headcanon A:  realistic:

Learned his love of mechanics from his father. He continues to work as a mechanic on the side even as director, as relaxation and to remind him of his family

He also is the only one who is actively learning the traditional SHIELD training protocol for becoming a spy, i.e. learning languages and such. He’s slow at the languages (#Turtleman) but he’s much farther along than anyone else.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Hosts massive video game tournaments online and is a legend in the gaming community. Also, and absolutely is a gentlemen online. Harassment? Pedophilia? Foul or sexual talk? Mack is coming after you and he will destroy you. Only good people allowed. Newcomers and minority groups worship him for this because he makes everyone feel safe and included 

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He wishes he really did quit SHIELD and went back to just being a mechanic. Everyone likes to tease him about wanting to quit, but he is genuinely so heartbroken over seeing so many friends die or disappear. He has nightmares about the day SHIELD fell. He stayed because he was capable of doing something to help and it was the right thing to do. But selfishly, he wants peace in his life. He wants happiness and normalcy. He doesn’t want nightmares of losing his friends, his love, his daughter

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

He meets up with Bobbi and Hunter all the time. Facetimes them. Plays betting pools with them. Gets drunk. They’re friends for life and F anyone who gets in the way. Honestly he gets a hoot out of their shenanigans and they need him to keep them sane. Also they love Yoyo; half the time they call Mack its because they want to talk to her.

Simmons! Wow, apparently I had a lot headcanons for her. What a good murder child :)

Headcanon A:  realistic:

She doesn’t have a freaking MD, so she’s taken accelerated courses in her spare time in order to be able to pull off surgeries and cleanings and whatnot

She’s the leading expert in Inhuman biology. She’s constantly being consulted but also will sometimes make up crap to get the government  off of SHIELD’s back

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

After Daisy, she’s easily the most dangerous of the group. Not because she can fight (because she’s only moderate at fighting), but because she has no mercy. She will leave you for dead on the operating table. She will fire your ass. She will throw a bomb at you and syringe you full of poison. She might even shoot you, and she will sacrifice herself when necessary. Simmons believes she knows what’s right and wrong and she’s learned to take matters into her own hands, everything else be damned.  

She and Fitz finally get their cozy apartment with the breakfast nook. Everyone visits for brunch on the weekends (Daisy visits for breakfast everyday) and Fitz cooks while she studies because she’s a morning person and it’s a get-up-at-6-workout-study-breakfast routine. She has a study just for herself that’s just full of biochemistry and Inhuman biology stuff. It’s a cutesy English-Scottish apartment (she and Fitz had many rows about how to decorate, more Scottish or more English, and they finally decided on half and half). 

She plans all the movie nights and bakes cookies and family dinner. She has weekly late night talks with Daisy, sitting under the covers of Daisy’s bed. She has frequent date nights with Fitz which ends with lovingly bickering while one’s brushing teeth and the other’s showering for bed. She loves to ramble on about her science to anyone who will listen and Mack loves to listen the most because he just doesn’t like to talk much and it turns out they love the same punk rock music so they just hang out and she gets to talk. 

Coulson and May have definitely become her adoptive parents because her family doesn’t know half of the stuff that has happened to her (she could tell them but she doesn’t want them to worry about her.) Coulson gives great hugs and tells her take a break. May gives her a drink and lets her vent. And when Elena and Deke join, she’s does the same for them and passes on the love she received. 

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

Even before she joined Coulson’s team, her family was disappointed in her. Ever since the Academy, they had no idea what she does or what she’s done since. She loves her parents and siblings but she feels so damn distant. She’s like a ghost who only comes for Christmas. Just one of her brothers knows what’s really going on with her and when he first found out, he didn’t speak to her for months.

She’s just been through so much that she’s terrifed of being alone. Going undercover, being stranded on an alien planet, being a servant, losing Fitz (she really needs therapy omg), that she’s just scared to be a alone. She’s English, so she doesn’t usually do visible signs of affection. But after everything she’s been through, she stands a little closer to people, she holds onto whosever arm is nearest, she plays with hair and cuddles and reaches for anyone’s hand just to know her SHIELD family, her true family, is still around. And when they’re not: She still carries around a shiv.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

How about she gets therapy? How about she calls out Fitz for some of his crap because they both know that its healthy to be honest with each other? How about she gets her own storylines where she continues to do science and learn inhuman biology and help others because that’s who she is and that doesn’t make her weak or uninteresting *microphone drop* 

[dyingunknown-blog]

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity,  sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long. 

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh. 

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3 

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.” 

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on. 

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart: 

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality. 

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not?  Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church??? 

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused. 

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.)  I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion.  It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.” 

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.” 

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but  the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it. 

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.)  I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to  tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis:  I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

 In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred. 

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before. 

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

 Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.) 

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me. 

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

[blackdragon-sama]

my breast reduction experience

i'm back home from the hospital after my reduction and i'd like to share my experience for those interestedalso to vent a bit about my nice-but-also-hella-annoying bed neighbour.

i went in on thursday morning, to get prepped, see the doc and settle into my room i was given the choice to either stay overnight before the surgery, or come in at 7 on friday morningi chose to stay overnight, since i knew it'd be much easier if i could just stay in bed until they wheeled me in for surgery. rather than having to haul my stuff and myself to the hospital with the bus, high on adrenaline and panicwas the right decision, too early in the morning, a nurse woke me and i went to change into the very sexy piece of fishnet they use as panties and the butt-free gown thingi swear, those mesh panties are the worst.but, i got a dose of lorazepam to make up for it, and was wheeled downstairs and into the wake-up room, from which i was wheeled in for the anaesthesia prep.a very nice lady (i don't know if she was an anaesthesiologist or assistant or nurse....) helped me put on the hair net and put an IV into my hand, chatting a little with me, which helped with the anxiety. at this point i was glad for the lorazepam, because i was nervous as fuck, even with it. they didn't make me count or anything, just told me to breathe in all that nice oxygen, and then they told me when they inected the good stuff and - like with the two general anaesthesias i had before - i went under complaining about the pain XDit's like, the last two seconds before you go under, your face, or in one case, arms, get really bad pins-and-needles, and it's one of the grossest feelings ever, but it's literally just a second or two and then you're out. the first thing i remember after coming to, is people coming to my bed and telling me to take breaths, or to breathe in deeper.i had a little trouble with my oxygen levels for a while, but they put an oxygen tube thingie into my nose, with a piece of sponge around it to keep it in place, i also remember telling someone i was feeling nauseous, and i think they gave me some medication for that. i was in no pain at all, just super woozy and confused why it was already around 3 in the afternoon. surgery must've taken WAY longer than 2-4 hours, since they put me under at 7:30, and i came to enough to ask the time at 3 in the afternoon.back in my room i asked for my phone and sent a few typo-heavy drunk texts to my mom and my girlfriend to let them know i was still alivestill no pain, dizziness, overall "just trying to sleep"-iness. a nurse came in some time later, to help me get up and pee. i didn't think i needed to, but she told me they put five liters of whatever (saline, probably) into me during the surgery and after, and i do know that getting up is important after surgeryso, she hooks me under and butt-naked me (surgical bra and mesh panties only. sexy. comfortable. not basically literally ass-naked) shuffles over to the bathroom, nurse carrying the big drainage bottles.i could feel my ears rushing and hearing static the moment i stood, but i managed to sit down and do the deed. on the way back to the bed, i nearly passed out, but nurse and another nurse got me back safely and i could sleep some moreduring the night, i am woken up a few times, by a male nurse who comes to open my bra and check the bandages and palpate my new tiny tiddies for anything bad.it's a bit disorienting to be subjected to someone messing with your boobs when you're more asleep than anything, but the whole staff was super nice and gentle with me, on saturday, post-op day 1, i managed to somehow pull at my right-side drainage and the bitch gave me trouble for the entirety of its stay in my boob, and it's still the more sensitive side >_>my new boobs looked soooo teeny tiny! to be honest, while i was excited, i was also a little scared that they'd become too small, but that feeling came and went, and looking back, i know it was simply the shock of the /difference/. day one was mostly spent entirely in bed, since my circulation was still pretty bad, and getting up gave me big troublesluckily, the nurses all were very very nice and refilled my water bottle for me and helped me get to the bathroom and back, and iirc, in the afternoon, i managed to put on some real panties and a shirt. MUCH better!also, on saturday, my girlfriend came to visit and it was really nice <3as for pain, i wasn't in any mentionable pain, other than that bitch of a drainage tube. that shit hurt like hell, while my boobs themselves almost didn't hurt at alli was, and still am, quite surprised they weren't painful. (given, i was taking ibuprofen 600 3x a day) sore, of course, and tender, and feeling about ready to pop with how taut they were, but not painful, i didn't and don't feel the incisions or the sutures/stitchesi stopped taking any pain meds yesterday, which was post-op day 5, and i only needed one ibu on tuesday) sleeping on my back is lame. and waking up on sunday, i had a major headache, that even the ibuprofen didn't manage to helpi think it was a mix of my neck being overly tense, plus leftover surgery and anesthesia meds that messed with my head (i read that having migraines puts you at a higher risk of post-op headaches) sunday was the day where i started to get lots better. i could get up on my own for the bathroom, and even the little trip down the hall to the water fountain dispenser thingie, and in the afternoon/early evening, i even managed to take the elevator to the ground floor and grab some well-earned sweets from the little shop there. the headache was the biggest discomfort, other than the drainage tube pulling occasionally, and my petty room mate... boy... by that point she was getting SO annoying. she had had surgery the day before me, a procedure to put an expander under the skin of her face, to grow skin to remove a mark from her face (i don't know what it's called, in german, it's a fire's mark, basically a large, deep red/purple mark that's puffy and you're usually born with it)i think she's russian? she had a heavy accent, and the first pieces of conversations i remember clearly were of her complaining about refugees and how they have so many kids only to cash in on social child support money (which is a thing in germany, but, well, for citizens, not for refugees...) i tried half-heartedly explaining that refugees aren't here for shits and giggles, and no, they don't get child support money from the state. they get, if at all, a bare minimum to feed and clothe themselves.... i didn't want to antagonize her, because in my drugged-up, post-surgery state, i was having paranoia she would try suffocating me in my sleep. (which i was aware of was purely my anxiety talking, but, y'know, i didn't want to pick fights either way, and delicate topics are best discussed if you have the opportunity to leave.)next thing i very clearly remember her doing was antagonizing the nurse that wanted to put a new something into her iv. the thing was, the nurse sneezed. into her shoulder. before moving to continue with the tubes. roomie gives her shit about that. how it's unacceptable that she'd sneeze onto the needle and get her germs all over the place, and how that's unprofessional and why she wasn't getting new needles and all that the nurse calmly explained she wasn't sick, it was just a little sneeze and she didn't get anything onto the stuff. discussions ensue. nurse sents me an "is this really happening?!" look, and i just give a helpless grin-shrug, because, yeah, it was happening. nurse was clearly heavily annoyed, but managed to finish putting the iv thing into her before leaving a little louder than necessary.i can understand voicing your concerns about hygiene and your worries. that's good. not good is picking fights with the people taking care of you. like... i caught myself thinking, every single time lady next to me went to complain or whine about something (which she did... /quite/ a lot) that, if i am in a hospital, dependent on the care of the staff, that the LAST thing i want to do is being a bitch to them?i'll do my damndest to be polite at least, friendly whenever i can, so they know i appreciate the help. being nice to your nurse means your nurse will do their best to care for you, and maybe put in a little more effort than absolutely necessary (like offering to fill my water bottle for me) and if someone has to sit me onto the toilet becauce i can't pee by myself, the least they deserve is me not bitching. seriously, the lady was nice enough, overall, but man... she also was entitled and just that special little snowflake kind of person. complaining about her boyfriend not taking the day off work so he'd be available all day to pick her up whenever she was discharged... i understand the thought behind it, but i also understand you can't just leave work just like that. and she was better off than me, mobility-wise, she could've taken a taxi or even public transport (given, i wouldn't have, either) or just waited for him until he could leave work)aaaaaanyway, on monday, headache was getting better, and my surgeon came in to check up on his work, he finally told me how much he removed, and it was WAY more than i expected or he estimated before,he'd told me, he'd remove about a kilo of tissue per side, which seemed a good weight, (i'd weighted them before, and they were about 2 kilos each, according to my kitchen scale XD )and it ended up being 1,4 kilos per side... that's almost 3 kilos! that's, like, two whole chickens! i was pretty shocked, but also excited, because, for the first time i really understood how HUGE my boobs had been. and how reasonable and right my decision was. i have no regrets and even in between never had any, but i had my doubts about the necessity of this whole thing, a lot of the time, i felt like it was a mood, or a phase, something i wanted out of a whim, rather than that i really needed it. it was my idea, and i wanted it, and as such, as a non-essential surgery, i was scared that i was doing something wrong. that it'd end up turning out bad, simply because of my paranoia-driven fear of karmic punishment for wanting something like that without it being unavoidable (like my gallbladder surgery) but hearing how much he'd removed, and given how much is still left, and how i now have an average pair of breasts for a woman of my stature, it took some guilt off me. also, by monday, i was starting to feel the first effects of the weightloss. i could sit up without using my arms (which was still being a bitch, because it'd pull on the damn drainage), like doing a situp, and it was sooo easy!even right now, i'm still too overall sore/tender to really notice a direct difference, but indirectly, it's already so amazing! i'm sitting up straighter without even noticing, i can breathe freely, which is odd, but i keep noticing how free my chest feels, like i'm expecting it to feel tight or heavy, but it isn't,on monday, the drainage tubes were FINALLY removed and it was glorious!i could stay until tuesday, and it was good i got to stay another day, because walking around was, and is, still somewhat tedious.on wednesday, i had a bit of an emotional crash. i guess it's the physical shock of surgery/injury and the medication wearing off, coupled with the relief of being at home and knowing you can relax now, i was dissociating a little, on and off through the day, feeling weepy and alone and all thatbuuuut that went away, too, and today, post-op day 6, i'm still a little tender and weak, but overall, i'm doing pretty fine!i can wash myself on my own, even my hair, and i am in SO much less pain than i expected. like... i was preparing to be out of commission completely for the entirety of the three weeks vacation i took off of work, but if things continue like this, going back in two and a half weeks will be absolutely possible. i catch myself being a little too enthusiastic sometimes, like trying to reach up to open/close my skylight window and getting a little reminder NOT to stretch up my arms all the way. or having to take a break from walking up the stairs and having to sit a couple minutes in the house's staircase on the way up to my appartment (we don't have an elevator)the most uncomfortable thing right now is the itching. the medical bra rubs against the edge of the steri-strips, where my skin is taut and dry and it's leaving mild imprints and it ITCHES and it's driving me insane, but it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't seem to mess with the stitches, so i'm trying not to complain too hard. all things considered, and with how weak and sore i was, right now, as i'm typing this, i'd do it all over again. i don't want to jinx anything, so i won't jubilate, but overall, i'm pleasantly surprised by how well things have been so far. i like my tiny new boobs, and i hate the itching, i love how much longer my torso looks, and i'm looking forward so much to buying beautiful bras and all the pretty swimwear i couldn't before, because it would never fit my boobs....aah <3next week i'll go in to have my stitches removed (they're not the dissolving kind) and i'm a little worried how the scars will hold, but i'm also eager to start using lotions and all the good stuff to help the skin recover i will recommend this procedure to anyone that's considering it, and i'm so happy that the surgery went well and my new boobs look perfect! (if still a little crinkly around the scars XD )

[shrimpyjoe]

y’all mind if i

vent about romantic feelings that eventually led to crippling depression??

so ya boi, me, wheatley, wheats, 420smokewheat, am taking a calculus course this semester. it’s good. it’s a difficult course, but I have become friends with the professor, Chris. Good dude. funny guy. easily one of my favorite professors this semester. The TA? cool dude. dante. we only see him once a week but i see him maybe 1 to 3 times a week. when i first saw dante he had half bleached hair. I’m talking straight down the middle of his head, on one side, bleached hair. but his hair was pretty grown out so you could see his roots and honestly it looked like he was supposed to have frosted tips or something. it looked bad but i also loved it and couldnt look away. and a couple weeks into the semester he cut his hair and i was struck with sadness because oh shit i liked it? i hadnt realized that at that point

this post is gonna be about dante. 

tl;dr: i crushed on dante, dante (might have? im not sure) crushed on me, i asked him out on tuesday and he said no and claimed i was gonna use the relationship to get a better grade in the class he TA’s for, and we havent spoke since and im depression

I go to office hours a lot for calculus bc it kicks my ass, i go to Chris’, mon wed fri at 10am, I go to my old pre-calc professor, Bryan, for his help every tuesday and thursday morning, at 7:30 or 9:30, or whenever he shows up bc hes not already in town. Sometimes, in the math department, dante is there in the morning, and bruh,,, he reminds me of myself which is why i love and hate him 

first of all hes a fucking shit post loving fuck, dresses in whatever he damn well pleases and OWNS it, and... he’s very blunt but also the chillest guy I know. i started crushing on him immediately after he roasted the SHIT out of me one day 

me: i’m the funniest person i know

dante: you’re the funniest person you know?

me: yea

dante: you must not know a lot of people then

and at that point i knew two things: one, got dam dante got me GOOD i couldnt even be mad bc that was amazing, and two, i MUST HAVE HIM

and so my crush started and we would talk a lot because bryan would never show up to office hours on time which was great bc more time with my dude dante. he’s real cute and amazingly smart but also the fucking most idiotic loser like okay once i couldnt participate in class so much bc i was very sleepy but i told dante that i just had a computer science midterm and my brain was fried, to which he said he had two midterms this week and i was like “oh man sounds like a you problem” and he was very salty i wasnt being nice but dude im a sassy bitch thats just my thing. anyway after class ended i was like hey could u review this problem for me i dont get how you got to this part of the problem, and after he helped i thanked him and said “hey good luck on ur midterms” and he said “thanks you too” and  i saw him FLINCH and go thru the five stages of grief in front of me, he just accepted the fact he fucked up and looked through me like i wasnt there and it was the funniest thing and his smile and laugh make my heart flutter 

another time he put us into groups and i didnt move into my designated group bc my friend beside me was afraid her designated group would get annoyed/fed up with her being a bit slow to understand some concepts and i was like yo aint a prob aminah ill stay here so i can help u out. but all dante saw was me defying him and was like “hey hey no you have to move!” with a smirk on his face bc he knew i was gonna test his patience

i was like nah i dont wanna and he said you have to move bc i said so and i was like pshht sure ok whatever and he stated that since hes in charge he had authority over me and i was like ‘no u dont you have the authority but not my respect and his eyes literally sparked as if no one has ever tested him before and he was so smug about it bc i was publicly disrespecting him and he was like “oh its gonna be like that? you’re not gonna move?” “yeah im staying here’ and he gave up but he and i were smiling the whole time and after that dante just KNEW me, he recognized me and would be an ass to me but we were buds, and after that he and i would be less calc-centric in our chats, more about music and movies and talking about ourselves

october was really the month i was struck with attraction to him, especially around halloween. the weeks before i told him i was gonna be julian casablancas for my costume and he was like “oh i can dig that” but on the day of halloween, tuesday, a day with dante, he asked me at the end of class “what are you dressed as?” and i was like “DANTE YOU DICK I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK AND YOU, I QUOTE, SAID “ I CAN DIG THAT” and he said “IM SORRY I FORGOT” and bruh,,, he and i flirted the entire time?? he complimented me on getting the concepts better in class, doing better on quizzes, complimented my appearance and my humor, and i didnt know he was flirting until he said “im flirting with you and not doing a very great job at it are i” and i was like “oh, OH, no no youre good i like you its fine” and i just, was floored that he dug me?? 

and so i got a decent job recently, scooping ice cream, and i told dante that my julian costume was my first costume of the day and how i couldnt wear it to work (”what, is it indecent? *snort*” “no the sleeves of the jacket, i cant roll them up so i cant wear it” “..oh”) and he asked where i work where my sleeves have to be rolled up, i said i work scooping ice cream, and I offered to get him a pint of ice cream. he didnt give a solid yes or no, so i emailed him like “yo whaddup bich its ya boi, i didnt know what flavor you wanted so i’ll tell you what flavors we have” and i literally sent a page long email about what we have in store and described them so he could accurately pick one without blindly guessing. he never replied until it was two days before i saw him next (the 7th) and it was during my comp sci class, 10 am, i send an email like “hey bud just letting u know im going 2 work tonight and i don’t know what flavor of ice cream u wanted and I KNOW you want some ice cream so please tell me what flavor u want p.s. if u dont reply to this email i’ll stop sending emails” which wasnt me threatening him it was just a fact that out of the 6 emails i sent regarding meeting for office hours he wouldnt respond but he would tell me in person that he got my email and read it... but not reply bc “it was too funny and you put pressure on me to be as funny or funnier and i couldnt do it so i would put it on so it would seem i forgot to reply..” so after  i said yo u never reply to these emails so i’ll just stop if you keep ignoring ‘em. 10 MINUTES LATER i am hit with a reply and it literally,,, fuking,,,

and we talked for like, an hour before he stopped. it was fun and my heart was swept with gay feelings for dante. i got him the most caramel-ly ice cream we had and then..

..it was tuesday, the 7th, that i asked him out and gave him his ice cream and he... said he wasnt interested and how he hoped we could be friends and also remain professional about it, how that i might use the relationship/ice cream to expect or exploit it for a better grade and then i said no no its not about the grade it was more just being interested in him and, basically, i got a ‘no thanks’ and a handshake and then i didnt see or hear from him since. it sucks. i respect his choice but it still hurts to not have his company or anything.

chris, the professor, apparently knows about dante and i and more specifically how im crushing on him but that dante doesnt return the same affection and chris gives me shit about it and im very salty about being teased about such an embarrassing thing

anyway its only been four days but man it sucks. he sent me an email saying thanks for the ice cream, and then he didnt show up for office hours we usually do and then on thursday he ignored my presence and idk man did i just misread something? did i say the wrong thing? i saw us doing couply shit and now its just some dumb fantasy

anyway i respect his decision but i cried on the way home from bein rejected (tuesday), the day he didnt show up for office hours (wednesday) and office hours with bryan (thursday). im a sad boi

[fivefootab1tch]

Once you get this you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then send this to ten of your favorite followers 💕

I’M A FAVORITE FOLLOWER AHBCKAJCBAYEBCKABCAKEC E THANK YOU

＼(≧▽≦)／＼(≧▽≦)／＼(≧▽≦)／＼(≧▽≦)／＼(≧▽≦)／＼(≧▽≦)／

mmkay down to business lessee; most of these are gonna be what others like about me because sometimes we’re just a little blind to all the good we are~ X3c

I’m a cockroach; I should be dead for a lot of reasons, but I’m not~

I’m talented as an artist and writer!

I’m a good listener/cheerleader

I’m cute

And also funny (whether or not people are just humoring me or honestly laughing idk and don’t wanna know XD)

① @lawliet-is-l-a-sexy

my absolute beffa here be bae, 

kind, 

talented af, 

I think they’re the best at so many things 

and they’ve supported me in all the right ways throughout all I’ve been through this past year

knew just the right way to cling tight to me and keep me from slipping away from the internets completely

they feel like home

like the safest safest home

hanging out with them makes even the worst days feel like nothing compared to the better days to come

I love them so much they earned multiple broken rules so I can also say I love their sense of humour~

② @sjokohama

ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL SO EXCITED

AND HAPPY BECAUSE THEY LOVE MY BEL

AND THEY POST THE COOLEST AND FUNNIEST THINGS

THEY SHARE MY LOVE OF FRRRRR BRRRRDDYYYY MRRRHRRRRKKKKSSSSS

THEIR ENERGY IS CONTAGIOUS IN THE BESTEST WAY EVAR ASDBKBCAHB

③ @madcapraccoon

MAMA MADCAP HAS SUCH A COOL AND UNIQUE ART STYLE

FIRST PERSON TO SMACK A HEART ONTO MY BEL AND WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS EVER SINCE

Also such a good eye for the coolest aesthetics/art inspirations

AND THEY’VE DRAWN MY BEL AND EVEN A SCENE FROM SOUNDS OF FREEDOM AHBKHCBKABYEBC

Just the sweetest boo and I love everything that goes up onto their blog

NEXT ARTIST SHOWCASE AFTER MATCHA~! KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS SPECIAL BOO~~!! ❤ (ɔˆз(ˆ⌣ˆc)

�� @xxatonementxx

Dude you’ve been such an enthusiastic,

and admirably patient thread partner to me

I love your OC and Sasuke

and your writing/ideas/creativity/metas/aus/headcanons

WRITING AND PLOTTING WITH YOU MAKES ME SO HAPPY I hope to be able to return to that kinda happiness like super soon and time can’t fly fast enoughhhh~~~~~~!

⑤ @dirtylevi

Man you’re so cool

you not only noticed me

but mentioned me as a fave blog

followed me to my revamp even though my anxious af ass deemed myself unworthy

I JUST THINK YOU’RE SO AWESOME WITH YOUR IN-DEPTH/CONSIDERATE AF METAS AND AMAZING SOURCE CONTENT AND FIC WRITING AND YOU’RE SO PRETTY AND SEEM LIKE A COOL AF PERSON OFF THIS BLUE HELLSITE TOO AND THANK YOU FOR STAYING MY COOL MUTUAL AND BLESSING ME WITH YOUR MERE PRESENCE BOTH IN MY NOTES AND ON MY DASH AHDBAHJBSDKHB WISH YOU THE BEST OF EVERYTHING

⑥ @neko-yuki-onna

This absolutely most precious sweetest thing to ever walk the earth is just the cutest cinnamon roll ever

We have like a 6th sense for each others’ slumps on occasion and surprise each other with a heart spam in our inboxes

Not only an adorable person but a great writer

who is really fun to talk to and a comfortable shoulder to vent to

and has thE MOST DARLING OCS

⑦ @deathscytheeevee

We met through a mutual friend and I love them already!

they’re super sweet

have the coolest taste in music

are super cute

and also has thE CUTEST SON AND CAT~

⑧ @i-am-captain-snark

*nods through the notes* yyyOOOOOOO HOW YA DOIN’ TODAY BROSKI I WISH YOU ALL THE GOOD~~!!

fellow genderfluid with the best blog content

and witty remarks

also hella insightful remarks

I love and admire their attitude and sense of humour and taste in posts~

and I’m just always happy to see themmm~!

⑨ @sugirandom

They were sOOOO KIND TO ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED ROLEPLAYING

And their art is so cute~!

I love their blog content and everything and just wanna give them a huge hug and protect them from all harm

and they sAID I’M ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE ARTISTS?????? I still haven’t recovered from that tag game dude; I am like forever stoked

AND PLANNING A BIG THING FOR YOU AND YOUR AWESOME CAST OF WONDERFULLY THOUGHT OUT MUSES BECAUSE THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A FRIEND~

also such a good writer~!!

⑩ @bxtrxyed

BRO IS COOL!!

HIS EREN IS SO BAE

SO IS HIS MARCO

CHATS ARE FUN AND HE KEEPS ME AROUND WHEN I FORGET HOW TO HUMAN

He’s also a talented af writer I MISS WRITING SO MUCH ASFHJBAKCBHKEBCH

⑪ @the115project // BREAKING MORE RULES FOR THIS SPECIAL BRUH

THEY ARE EASILY ONE OF THE COOLEST OCS I’VE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF WRITING WITH

AND JUST THE COOLEST PERSON LIKE

THEY ARE SO TALENTED WITH THEIR WRITING

AND IDEAS

AND SNK FORESIGHT //DUDE WE SO CALLED THAT!!!//

Also the sweetest babu because they invite me to stuff whether I can go or not and send me things and are so fun to plot with and

stay tUNED TO @BELBETA FOR OUR SUPER TOLxSMOL SHIP TO COME ASKJFBAKCKH 

⑫ @matcha-castella // AND THIS SPECIAL BABU~~~!!!!

I’d sign a contract with a crossroads demon to art half as well as they do

Like really admire the amazing coloring like it makes me feel so calm and airy???

ALSO A SUPER SWEET THING

AND THEY’RE FUNNY

And we both suffer physics and doodle in our notes XD

I FEEL SO HONORED TO BE NOTICED BY THEM AHBKASCB

ALSO SUPER CUTE

Y’all should take this up the usual way and write 5 things you like about yourselves, too, but of course never the pressure~~!!!

[caught-in-a-lie-blog1]

[!]

this might be it.

you guys know i’m not as active as i used to be. i go days without blogging sometimes, and i think you deserve and explanation.

this blog used to be a safe space for me. i could vent without the fear of judgment. i could talk about my love for various idols. i could share my writing and art. but lately it’s just been too much. i was originally going to make this post pretty vague but i realized that might come off as passive aggressive so i’ll just be blunt.

i started feeling this way when the issues with plagarism on the russian website came to light. there had been plgarism issues within the fandom before but none of them scared me as much as this. while i was not plagarized from, i follow lots of people who were. no one deserves their work stolen. fortunately, everything was dealt with, but i still had a pit in my stomach. i was and still am petrified of being stolen from, and that’s why i’ve hardly written anything despite having this blog for over half a year.

it was after that when i started being more wary of the fandom. i started paying more attention to the toxicity that was evident. i witnessed people being sent hate for their choices when it came to who they write about, what they write about, when they update, etc. it’s disgusting to send hate to people over their own creative choices. even though i’ve only been sent hate a few times, i couldn’t help but wonder, ‘what if they do that to me too?’

moving on, the next big thing was when that group of fairly popular BTS writers were exposed for being bullies. you all already know that i believe the callout was necessary and that i support the vicitms and how they chose to deal with it. we know that those writers had a group chat in which they said horrible things about other writers. they mocked people for making personal posts, they made fun of other writers and their work. i feel so guilty for making this about me when i wasn’t even a victim (at least not that i know of) but ever since then, i’ve been terrified. i don’t want to open tumblr because of the fear that someone is mocking me behind my back. i don’t feel safe.

after that, it just kept getting worse. i saw armies downvoting other groups comebacks for no reason. i saw armies harrassing Wale as if he was some sort of leech like the entitled 12 year olds they are. i saw armies always trying to act like the victims when they were in fact, not. i saw a mutual harrassed for months on end by nasty anons, to the point where they made a hate account dedicated to her. i saw armies defending BigHit and their treatment of Jin when it has clearly impacted his self worth. i saw terrible behavior everywhere i looked and it made me realise that this fandom is so immature and disgusting and toxic. i recently stumbled across a blog that had stated their opinion about BTS and armies and was sent thousands of horrible qnd vulgur hate messages for a long period of tume. you say “not all armies” and while that may be true, it’s most armies and i’m tired.

not only is this space no longer safe for me, it’s also hindering my love for the boys. everyone says not to let fandoms ruin something you love, but that’s hard to do when all i see is negativity. someone saying ‘BTS’ used to give me a fuzzy feeling in my stomach. it used to instantly make me happy. but now whenever someone mentions BTS, my face drops and i’m reminded of all the stuff i see on a daily basis. i’m reminded that this fandom is anything but supportive and is a toxic wasteland, that they think they own creaters of content, that they think they own BTS themselves.

these boys are my life. these boys kept me alive. these boys always used to be my source of love and support. they were there for me when i had no one to turn to and helped me through my biggest slump. they encouraged me to get better, to keep living, to be proud of who i am. they give me the strength to get off my ass everyday to work towards my dream. i love them with all my heart, and i’ve been crying the past hour because i can’t stand the thought of them being ruined for me. i can’t stand the thought of living in a world where BTS only gives me negativity because they mean so, so much to me.

i know this is already so long but i need to get this all out.

i think i’m leaving tumblr, as well as all my fandoms. while i’m proud of BTS and i will still support and vote for all my bias groups, i’m not proud to call myself an army anymore. i can’t keep doing this when all i feel is stress. being in a fandom should not be stressful.

i’ll stay for a few more days just to make sure it’s what i really want, but it’s not looking good. i’ll let you all know when i decide to leave for good, and i hope you understand. the mental stress is too much for me to handle.

if any mutuals want to contact me, you can message me and i’ll give you my other social media handles.

i’m sorry.

[ladygayjournal]

I am angry, prepare for a WALL

The other day, I was on Facebook. I primarily use it for memes and keeping in contact with friends that live on the other side of the country from me. Group chats, etc. Anyway. I made a generalized post about minorities that support Trump. It was MIND BOGGLING to me, and still is, why a minority would support him. I did not know that would make someone I considered a friend rise forth from the depths of the abyss and start ranting at me. For this story, let’s call her... Maria.

I went to college with Maria, and we’d been friends since 2011. Over the past year she kinda became a right wing nut, but I let it slide. I thought maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Until I made this post. The post literally was “If you’re Pro-Trump.. and pro-wall.. why? What’s wrong with you?”

Maria gave me an essay. She feels Trump is the ONLY person addressing immigration. She admits Trump is not “a good speaker”, but her ideals align with his (Racist, sexist homophobe I guess?) . She also feels that as a Mexican American, her race shouldn’t dictate how her values lie. Which is fair, to a point I guess? She then started ranting about baby murdering, and how Planned Parenthood is of the devil, how socialism will be the downfall of America, and then posed a new question. “What’s wrong with people who make assumptions on how other people SHOULD think based on their skin/ethnicity?”

I decided to ignore her question. Instead, I point out the fact that Trump is racist, homophobic, and a bigot. I pointed out that he hates me as a member of the LGBT, and he hates her as a Mexican. Planes fly over walls, and the wall will be a waste of billions of dollars. I whole heartedly welcome socialism. Give me that socialized healthcare! I then brought up all the ACTUAL problems that are happening in America. Like how Flint has no water, all the white domestic terrorists, and tax reform that don’t help the 1% of Americans.

Maria then pointed out that neither Trump nor Pence ever handed me or sent me a later saying they hate me. So they must not actually hate me. She also feels that even if he did hate her, she would still support him. Ranted about Muller for a bit, because blah blah blah fake news. Ranted about how Socialism doesn’t, ranted about how illegal immigrants are pretty much evil, and then she said her closing paragraph. I am still mind boggled about this one, so I am going to type it word for word.

“If you can’t comprehend that, that’s fine. No one’s asking you to. I can’t understand justification of infant slaughter. There are things people will never see eye-to-eye on and that’s the way the world is. The best we can both do is advocate our various sides and see what happens. Personally, I’m hoping the world will be destroyed sooner rather than later or the US will break out into Civil War and start from scratch. Either way, let’s all enjoy this shitshow called life until it’s over. Disagreements and all. 😄”

I was so perplexed by Maria I decided to sit down and do research. I wrote an honest to God three and a half page, double spaced, freaking essay. I linked articles (which she deemed leftist fake news) and put actual effort into writing this out for her. I even used multiple sources for some of the points I made because I KNEW she would say it was leftist fake news. (If you would like to read the literal essay, I still have it in google docs) The main points of the essay were:

Here’s proof he’s a homophobe

Here’s proof he’s a racist towards Latino people

Here’s a point that what he’s doing is similar to Nazi Germany. And as a Jewish person, I should be able to point out the similarities.

Here’s some actual information about socialism

“Now, if you can’t comprehend these facts, that’s fine. You don’t have to.“

Everything to this point I had actually had the chance to screenshot. So I still have those screenshots on my phone. The next part is what yeeted me into the abyss. What Maria had the gall to say made me foam at the mouth. She had the absolute gall to say LGBT people WANTED to be discriminated against. The we went out of our way to be discriminated against. That as a Jewish person I should “know better”, and I am spitting in the face of my ancestors for making the comparison, and that none of the sources I used were legitimate. Because blah blah blah fake news. She also pointed out that this post was about specifically her (which no, it was not.)

I spent hours F U M I N G. Trying to stay calm and rational. I waited to calm down, then began typing my response. When I went to hit enter, I got an error. She had deleted the first comment, which removed the whole thread. I never got a chance to screen shot it. But the next part, I did. She sent me a private message. Telling me she didn’t want to continue the conversation, we were never really friends, and that she was so focused on reading our conversation that she skipped breakfast that day (Maria was attempting to make me feel bad here). I feigned that I was hurt. We were never friends? What about how I went all the way across the country JUST to attend her wedding while I was unemployed and shouldn’t have spent money on a literal train ticket? Or the time I cooked for her family when they came to visit her at college? Or the time.. yada yada yada. I was bringing up old times because I was full of gay rage and SPITE. I ended the message with “Have a nice life. What’s done is done. Stay out of trouble” and waited for her to see the message. I then blocked her the moment she saw the message! An hour or so later she had her husband message me with not an apology. I sent him this, and asked him to please not be her messenger. I then made a post on Facebook myself, to vent because I was still angry. After I let off that steam, I was ready to let it go and move on.

This all happened at the beginning of the week. Now it’s the end of the week. A friend of mine came to me and asked “Dude, is this about you?” and showed me a post Maria had made. She flat out LIED about me. Saying I was being passive aggressive and that I’ve always been afraid of conflict. That she wanted to know if she was being paranoid about if the post was about her. And then brought up a video I had shared in a PRIVATE group chat she was not apart of, which she also took as an insult. She was asking her friends if it was paranoid to assume “this person” was making coy jabs, and pointed out AGAIN that I’m passive aggressive and conflict terrifies me. Then asked for answers. One of the few comments on the post she made was LITERALLY a person telling Maria, in detail, how she should find me and “whoop my ass”, and went into detail on how to literally beat me within an inch of my life. That that would fix my passive behavior.

I have not responded to this. I have not brought it up to her or her husband that I know. I haven’t done anything about it because I’m at such a loss for words. I don’t know if I even SHOULD do anything about it. I was not once being passive aggressive. I literally made a generalized post asking the universe a rhetorical question we all know the answer to. I’m NOT afraid of conflict. Granted, because of my messed up life growing up I get quiet during conflict, but I always try to be well spoken and do my best to approach conflict head on. I’m just at this point where I’m angry. I’m angry I cannot defend myself. I’m angry that someone I regarded to be a friend LOST HER MIND and became a raging homophobic racist right wing nut job. I’m angry that Maria is probably spreading lies about me. I’m angry that.. I’m just freaking angry! I was hoping this post would help me out. To let off steam with all this insanity that’s gone on. It kind of has? But I am still, a lady gay full of gay FURY AND SPITE!!

Anyway! I’d like to end this with some wise words I was once told. “We don’t lose friends, we learn who our friends really are and if they treat friends poorly and as disposable, then they weren’t a friend in the first place.“ Guess Maria had one thing right, we’re n o t  friends. And she can shove it.

[vidaandthecity]

When You Say I Do, But Your Friends Say I Don’t

Ask a married girl what has changed since she ventured into wedded territory and she will reply, “Everything!” I thought about this as I recently have been coming across a lot of married girl problems both in my personal life and in my friends. I see my married friends posting and venting on Facebook, some have laid out the “girl me too!” as we chat about our challenges, and there are articles on top of articles describing the married girl disconnect.

The disconnect I’m talking about is the reality that some of those who were your friend while single will most likely not be your friend after marriage. And that is ok.

This disconnection does not creep up immediately. At least, for me it didn’t. I guess it’s because when you first get married, everyone is in celebration mode. There’s the bachelorette party, the ceremony, the honeymoon, the gifts, the congrats, the on-going “Hey Mrs… how does it feel to be married?” Everyone is digging you and your new relationship digs, and you too are swept away with this new amazing feeling.

But once the champagne goes flat, and the thank-you cards have been sent, gifts opened, and perhaps that one year anniversary starts to steadily approach, you start to see that “casada cagada” syndrome hit, as the Dominicana in me likes to refer to it.  Married chicks know what I mean. It’s that time when your phone rings less and less, when your single girls who used to be your right-hand homies are now chilling without you, invitations are slim to none, and your hot Friday and Saturday club rendezvous are now romantic evenings sipping on wine with your husband while watching your favorite show on Netflix. Still wonderful just different.

It’s a bittersweet life overhaul. Its saying goodbye to the single you and all the people and places that once pertained to it and courageously embracing this new you who is now part of a dope ass team. The new you who is now collaboratively working towards a dream, raising a family, and creating new memories and new adventures. Some women are totally submersed in that new world. And that’s totally okay. But if you’re like me, you know how important balance is. You know how important your friendships are and you want to remain close to your friends, the real deal ones, who had your back pre and post marriage.

But unfortunately, it’s not always about what you want. It is also about the mental space that your home slices are in. Because while you want to still nurture and share a friendship, your friend might not feel the same way. This can come to be for different reasons. Maybe you moved half way across the country after getting married and the friendship just fizzled out. Maybe she’s super needy and needs 24/7, round the clock attention, if that’s the case let’s keep it 100, you’re married now, you might even be a mom now; you can no longer offer so much of your time and attention. If your buddy can’t deal with that maybe its best they exit stage left. Maybe your friend is single and living the single life to an extreme, clubbing, parties, cocktails, men, men and more men, if that’s the case you can’t roll with her because as a married woman that’s just not cool and beyond disrespectful to your significant other. You already have a wingman and that’s your husband.

Maybe she hates your husband and they just don’t get along, I think that’s obvious why that friendship just won’t stay afloat. Or perhaps some of your girlfriends just feel that now that you’re married you don’t get the single girl struggles anymore. They incorrectly label you as having a perfect life and not fully getting what being single is all about. Getting married does not mean she forgot the 10 to 15 years she was a single gal kissing frogs on the subway. Being married does not disqualify your homegirl from engaging in single gal convo and giving solid advice. Because they too went through the struggles of dating and heartbreak, that pain stays with you long after you move on. Furthermore, your single homegirls should understand that marriage is a lot of work. It takes an entirely different type of effort to keep your marriage fresh, exciting and fruitful. Marraige is hard work, there are good and not so good days. Finally, theres the friend that might be low key jealous of your marriage, this one perhaps is the most dangerous. A true friend whether she’s single or not, happy in love or not, would not be hating on your happiness.

David Plotz, cleverly refers to these disappearing bff’s as last timers, in his clever article, “This Is The Last Time I Will Ever See You.” He goes on to write,

“But the most poignant last-timers, the ones who really matter, are the people who once were profoundly important—stalwarts in a terrible time, co-adventurers, the dearest of dear—who, not because of geography or profession, but because of the eddying currents of life, are already drifting away from you by the time of the wedding, even if you don’t realize it. There is no break, just the conspiracy of inconveniences.”

I love his choice of the word inconvenience. Losing a BFF at a point in your life when one part is coming together while the other is falling apart is inconvenient at its best. It is painful and it hurts like hell. But we forge on. We form new friendships, new connections. We surround ourselves with people who accept this new aspect of our lives and can be truly happy for us, perhaps because they too are married and can relate or simply because they love you and want to see you happy. I think it’s also important to know that not every friend you have is meant to go on into this new chapter in your life. It is important to realize and recognize our own shortcomings in the friendships as married women who now might not have as much time to spare to these past relationships. Own up to where you fall short and work on those things, because your true friends are worth it and friendship is a two way street. Make sure you're pulling your weight as well.

But the best advice I can give is to know, deep down in your heart of hearts, that your real friendships, the ones that are made of honesty, sweat, blood and tears; the friendships that have carried you through storms, and celebrated your triumphs, wont crumble under pressure. They are everlasting. They are pure and beautiful and worth balancing along with all the other new and beautiful things you have happening in your life.

*image courtesy of google

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 5

... "And in case you're still reading... You weren't hiding anyone... When I warned you about my ability to figure shit out, I was giving you the chance to come clean... I told you I just wanted to know. We could have worked something out. Something more pleasant. And YOU... I can't even be vague enough on here for you. You should have listened before...

Gods I could go on forever... Just to finally be heard. For my words to finally be understood? It's not as though I ask for much action, or even a physical presence... A voice, an ear, or some lines of text.

Just stop fighting me... Stop lying... Stop fucking flirting, and stop trying to fix me! I just want some fucking honesty and support! I try so hard to do whatever I can for any of you who come to me. I have sacrificed a great deal for some. The least you could do is humour me for a bit...

/vent

Going to make this last bit quick; FB keeps trying to crash my phone and not posting this, and making me rewrite shit and I need to stop c-c

If you really need to comment or ask a question or whatever, I just ask that you do so in private and just be nice. Please? I've been avoiding social media and my phone in general (save those I felt I could trust and felt safest around...). I don't want to deal with any more crap. I just want to feel normal again, and a lot of people I've been going to or who have come up to me have not made that any easier. I can only hope I've made it clear to any of you, personally, that I have appreciate what little you were able to do for me. Especially not knowing the details about him or anything else that happened last year. I was so determined to fight everything without being too much of a burden, by trying to be sneaky in my search for help.

I didn't want pity! I thought that the less you all knew, the easier it would be to find a friend willing to give me the time, and once things went south it made things worse... For myself and those involved. I hope that it doesn't stick to any one of you, now that I've left you alone or you've left me behind. I get it... Still don't like it. Doesn't make it any less my fault.

If I get any of your usual responses I *will* get pissed off. Don't want to deal with any shit... I've had enough..."

The feedback from the was... Mostly undesirable. I got the responses I specifically asked not to receive, was promised more attention from those who lost contact with me and never received it, and all males tried taking advantage of my "vulnerability". I'm not an idiot...

On October 28th, I went to a Halloween party with my landlady and a friend of hers. She was on her phone the entire time, her friend vanished to go hit some dabs or whatever-the-fuck, and a gal mistook me for an ex's ex (I don't believe they're together) as we wore similar outfits (I saw her go by once that night), and so smacked my ass. Discomfort and awkwardness around. We were at Johnny B's, which added to the anxiety as I worried I would run into a different ex: If I am not friends with my exes, I am more or less terrified to run into them.

I wanted out of here... Around 1:30 I was convincing Corey to come take me home, as I was wearing a corset and fluffy skirt, shoes with heels (hate heels...), it was cold, and my ankle didn't let the cold or the shoes (I was wearing my cosplay from RTX). He finally agreed to come get me, and I invited him in to come chat as we used to - we were not together.

We fell asleep after I curled up to him, still not feeling all that great from my trip to Portland, which I told him. He rarely stayed a whole night, let alone not demand sex. I woke up to him yanking my pants down...

I have been called a liar, a whore, and accused of begging for attention by calling rape. Gods forbid I seek attention or support from those around me at all... I have lost many friends over this.

March 18th it was brought to me attention (in an irritating and vague way) that he had been arrested for sexual abuse. Because of my cowardice, he attacked someone else and on March 8th he was admitted to the local jailhouse. There are now three counts under his name. I don't know if it's from the same gal or others speaking up, but I wish I had the courage and finances to add to his sentence... His bail is set to $50,000 with no release date posted.

I have grown colder and bitchier than ever before, trying to explain to some why this is the case and faced with zero patience, tolerance, or support. Through everything, I have been alone.

I smoked heavily after this, trying to forget. Cut myself off from everyone around me. Eventually I started reaching out to those I was most comfortable around and now they are gone. I am too broken to them...

Puppy insisted I stay with him for a week up in Portland. My stay started off terribly... There were mobs going around to prostest Trump: Breaking windows, starting fires, vandalizing and shit, and he lived a few blocks from where they rallies took place. I kept him up-to-date on when my bus left and when I would arrive - texting him several times as the bus entered the city and I grew closer to the station.

Waiting outside the station, bums who frequented there would ooze closer and a couple confronted me. He assured me he was on his way with his friend (who I was eager to finally meet). Discomfort and anxiety increasing as I was surrounded by these strange people trying to talk to me, I finally made my own way to his place; Puppy's place wasn't all that for from the station, just across the street and over a small bridge.

He finally made it to the station just a few minutes after I got to his complex - he was furious. I was scared and alone... He knew when I would be there! I kept him up-to-date! Why wasn't he just there...... Why would he leave me waiting like that... Alone...

I very much enjoyed the short time I was able to spend with him... He had to work, but we had a couple days to venture out. He also forgot what day I was leaving... It felt like he wasn't at all pleased with my visit... I was mopey and slow from not feeling well, and I wasn't smiling much... I completely destroyed my time with him...

I spent my days watching videos to help me smile more, reading one of the books I got at Powell's, and cleaning his apartment. I swear that boy hadn't cleaned since the day he moved in. It was the least I could do for him - I wanted to feel useful again and care for him as he cared for me... I wanted him to feel relaxed and comfortable and come back to a clean environment. I wanted to see him smile... His smile is my absolute favorite sight, and he always hid it from me because he doesn't like his smile lines. I adore him. Every inch of him... He was my muse, my comfort, my confidence, and my joy.

I don't need him for these feelings, but he was a major source of these that I greatly welcomed - I appreciated his presence far more than he could ever understand or that would matter to him... I wish I could have done the same for him... He's so hard on himself... If he wasn't such a poop-face. But it doesn't matter... He has made it perfectly clear that I am too broken for him... Saying he just wants to focus on himself, only to inform me he's found someone he wants to get close to... Always when I start smiling inside again... I truly wish him luck in finding a mate that will allow him to see all the amazing colors in life that he's missing. I wonder if he ever figured out what those new colors I showed him meant... I hope they weren't bad colors...

- Sidenote: He told me once long ago so I can't remember the name or details exactly, but he sees moods/feelings as color: Synesthesia, I believe. I looked it up to be sure, but there are several different types of color associated sensory conditions, and I don't know all he experiences.... Sensory experience* sounds much better than "condition". Wiki says it's a "phenomenon".

Honestly... I could write just as much as I have now about all he means to me and my interactions with him on the two and a half years I've known him... So...

We visited Powell's, checked out the art store near his place, and took a bus to the comic and pet shops he goes to. I picked up a few books and comics that I very much want to complete, and I had such a great time being out and about with him. I had shut myself away after what had happened... I'd been feeling so dead inside. Still a bit of a shut-in, but I'm finally getting out more to get some things done.

Living with who I am... I continue to struggle with feeling at all decent about myself... Corey being in jail has made job searching easier, as I no longer live around the area he frequented and there's no chance of bumping into him, but my legs have grown weak since my accident at Michaels and it has made me a tad lazy... It doesn't take much anymore for my ankle to start hurting, and my knees have grown a tad wobbly. My confidence is still shot, depression less crippling but still heavy, and I'm just not the bad-ass chick with the smile that brightens any room, anymore...

Actually... There are so many more details I want to get into - of my recent days and those from events I've already described - but I feel I've said enough... I have no one to talk with and I just wish to speak. For someone to finally listen to me and sympathize in some way. To not be spoken to in a textbook, regurgitated manner. I miss having someone to connect with... A back-and-forth conversation about anything: troubles, success, interests, displeasures, complains, approvals - everything.

Ducky told me long ago that it is important to vent... Before he and I got together I bottled up everything and he saw how it was destroying me. Those years before him have been condensed and intensified this year and a fouth, with all that has happened in this short time... There is so much left unsaid.

Today (upon writing this) the family gets together to pick what they want of Grams' old possessions... I have been drinking this afternoon... I'd picked up drinking so I could grow sleepy enough to pass out as my roommate games late into the night and I cannot find sleep. Today I drink for stress and anxiety and sadness. This will not become a habit; I have always been good at avoiding being consumed by addictive substances.

As much as I repeat to myself on a daily basis that I should not exist, I will live on and continue to fight. And no; my roommate does not comfort me, console, or converse with me. He is just there. Sharing a room with a dude suuuuuuucks and I am glad I did not accept his confession. He has proven to be disgusting, wasteful, and inconsiderate. I am still thankful for the invitation to stay here, though. It's just difficult and tiring...

고맙습니다, thank you.

([I hope I wrote that right, I'm still learning and have found too many ways to say the same thing... 고마 ㅝㅛ?)]

[grin-and-fox-it]

Hmm. The main thing I realize when I consider my recent ex-fp is knowing that, looking back on it now, if I had a choice of putting my vent posts aside on an unknown, hidden blog she couldn’t have any way of seeing them... I would’ve still put them up in a place she could see. I would have still posted them in places she could read those. Since seriously, I know I could not have discussed the aftermath with her one on one. It wasn’t a simple case of ‘oh shit I’m splitting’.

More often than not, when I go back to mental looping because I’m doubting myself, the first evidence I pull up is the fact I vague posted about her while I was riding out my betrayal rage flares. It was a wild ride of whip-lashing disillusionment, deep seeded hurt, and unadulterated rage. Text rage which, I would say, I had some semblance of remaining forethought to mellow my word choice in even during my most long winded rants. Almost all of which contained mountains of questions as my doubt kept cycling. I didn’t trust her anymore, I don’t trust her anymore, and maybe the fact she saw that is what made her angry. I don’t really know.

I recently looked back through my phone at videos I’d recorded during the car ride I had been in with her and her boyfriend. Me throwing around jokes before shit began hitting the fan. When I watched those videos? I became physically nauseous to the point I needed to leave the room to throw up. I don’t know, for all I know she’s.. mentally blocked out what went on during our car ride because of him or if she’s hand waved it but... This isn’t even a case of, ‘oh my boyfriend has a temper because he’s had a hard life’. Fuck that? Plenty of my friends do too, my partners do. I can handle people who have tempers.

It’s the fact he intentionally poked and prodded at me. The fact he threatened to slap me awake when I tried to pretend quietly sleeping during an exceedingly stressful car ride to and from Yellow Stone National Park. The fact you couldn’t tell he was testing me for a facial reaction while he was driving? It’s the fact he asked me to my face “why I’m so damaged”, it’s the fact he used that bloody map he took back from me as an excuse to threaten to throw me out of a moving car. A car I had no way of removing myself from without blowing my cover. A car I couldn’t ask to step out of for a breather without inconveniencing you two. How about the fact he felt it acceptable to have a discussion in a speeding closed vehicle about child abuse, pedophilia, sexual assault, and to threaten me with physical harm on multiple counts? Because hey, “that’s just the way he is”, right? 

Yeah. Okay. I’m expected to be forgiving of that when you don’t have the capacity to sack-up and forgive me being rightfully betrayed and revolted by what happened? The fact you’re oh so hurt by me vague posting that you text me saying “you need a break from me”? Because you can’t handle being the bad guy, right? Yeah, that’s too much for you. Then I’m expected to CONTINUE to interact with you so YOU DON’T feel ignored and hurt by my waning interest? When you barely respond half the time or full stop don’t respond at all? Because that’s all your depression, right? And the fact I’m expected to forgive all of that but you can’t shoulder me vague venting about you and that man in the only spaces I have around the only other people I’ve got who will listen? Because I take steps to put it on this platforms so I don’t accidentally overload the other people who are helped me ride out those waves of conflicted emotion? Because I knew I’d lost you and I didn’t want to lose the other support I had around? Bite my ass. 

FUCK YOU, S. FUCK YOU BECAUSE I COULDN’T COME TO YOU FOR COMFORT. YOU NEVER MADE YOURSELF AVAILABLE FOR THAT WHILE I WAS RECOVERING. I CHECKED MY TEXT HISTORY, GO AHEAD AND TRY TO TELL ME YOU GENUINELY WORKED AT ASKING ME HOW I WAS MANAGING AFTER YOU DROVE OFF. I HAVE EVERY REASON TO STILL BE IN PAIN ABOUT THE ONE AND ONLY TIME YOU’VE EVER BOTHERED TO VISIT ME DESPITE HOW MUCH YOU’D TELL ME YOU LOVED ME! FUCK YOU! AND THE ONLY TIME YOU DO COME WASN’T FOR ME, IT WAS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WANTING AN ALL-ACROSS-AMERICA ROAD TRIP. I WAS A MEASLY STOP ON THE WAY. A STOP ON THE WAY WHO RUINED YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND RUINED YOUR FUN.

A road trip you could only have the sweet privilege of going on if he came along. A man you told me to my face you were worried about introducing me to. A man you KNOW has a history of harassing people with PTSD. A man who likes to turn your ex-boyfriend with DID into the butt of a joke. Yeah, your ex-boyfriend was pretty abusive. But guess what? You stalked his blog right back and don’t even bother trying to deny it. I remember all those chats we had about you commenting on something The Ghost Squad would post. The only point they could get away from you checking on their blog when you should have cut ties was when they were forced to password lock their page. Because that’s how much you increased their paranoia by not cutting ties once and for all. And I’m fairly certain you check my blog too just like you did to The Ghost Squad. And probably to turn what I say or vent about into jokes about me being dramatic, irrational, or any other number of things. You don’t get to act like the princess about everything.

It only even when super down hill when that man you’re dating right now continuously hurt your ex-boyfriend, dragged his trans gender status through the mud by your own admission, and he blew up. You told me yourself you USED to defend Cecil to John until you realized how exhaustingly fruitless of a task that was. And y’all blame him for it. You and John both blame Cecil for finally losing his marbles after you shove around someone with DID that way. You say Cecil liked to pick fights but I still remember our own conversations when you’d be just as flustered by John for pressing Cecil’s buttons. Because you just want everyone to be nice and get along, right? More and more I’m getting the impression that’s what you want out of people even in situation where it isn’t reasonable. ‘Because X doesn’t hurt me so it shouldn’t hurt others either, it isn’t a big deal.’ 

From what you say and Cecil’s other ex has said, I do not doubt The Ghost Squad was a shit group. They hurt you, they used you in a number of ways. I’m not questioning any of that. But the more I think about my own situation? The more nauseated I become. I hate how you constantly talk about your depression as to why you’ll lose your temper with people or you’ll not have the energy to interact or to spend time with people “unless they physically show up on your door step”. But you have next to no allowance for others with other conditions and other symptoms. As soon as those symptoms come up, it’s an inconvenience for you that you don’t want to have to juggle. You know what I remember the most about our past interactions S? It’s me stressed out at work, pacing around while I text you to talk you down from “wanting to drive your car off a cliff”. Because you texted me that enough for it to be a prominent enough memory. And yet you still refuse to go back to seek the professional treatment I know you need, treatment that even your abusive ex-boyfriend asked you to go to. Bills you have from your short attempts on that which you still use as evidence against them.

Let me tell you a little secret. People who have issues tend to not single out a specific person to blame their issues on. People who need therapy tend to not say “this one singular person is the reason I needed therapy”. Nah. You’ve needed therapy for a while now. That isn’t something to be ashamed of. But the fact remains that you do need that, Cecil or no Cecil. And I wish you’d stop spending money on your impulse purchases in order to go find yourself a therapist who fits you best. You’re just using the therapy bills as other chunk of ammo to hit the memory of your ex-boyfriend with even when it isn’t really reasonable to do so. I’d say it was the right call recommending that to you even if that ex had been the one causing you damage. I think you intrinsically have hit a breaking point of not being able to be any degree of emotional support for others and you need to come to terms with that soon instead of misleading people. You don’t HAVE to be that for others but fuck, quit misleading people, would yah? You don’t have to be a supportive friend if you’re finding you can’t handle that type of intimacy anymore. It’s possible what you told me Cecil pulled short circuited you or there’s something else going on.

And you know what? You’re right. You don’t want to have to juggle it. And I know I tried my damnedest to vent to you or around you S as little as possible. I typically did go elsewhere for that. But I don’t really want to frequently chat with someone who tells me she loves me no matter what, that she will always be here for me, but after I have a sobbing meltdown because of your boyfriend’s CLEAR symptoms... You can excuse what he did to me? But you can’t move past the fact I’m still angry? Fuck yeah I’m still angry. You don’t get to decide for me when I should stop being angry. That road trip destroyed something very precious to me. A relationship I treasured but a relationship I know is ultimately damaging for me because of how much you’re willing to excuse when you love someone else. If I’m not your tip-top favorite I am in danger because you will not put much effort into looking out for me when I’m threatened by someone you choose to spend time around. And finding out you are prone to blaming others when you do that to them is... infuriating. Because I honestly believed you were more than that.

Sure, because of my mental health I’m prone to splitting on people. But for I’m calm, right now for example, I can sit here 98% sure she genuinely fucked me over. And no morning trip to Denny’s for breakfast where I beg her to let me pay due to my own guilt at having a PTSD meltdown is going to fix that. You do not get to do that to me and then go on, drive ahead, and experience the rest of your fun road trip vacation with the same boyfriend who put me through that horrendous mess. It wasn’t just what he said or what he did or his intentions that you couldn’t discern, it was the fact that YOU OF ALL PEOPLE brought him around me while already pretty much knowing better. Because you wanted to have fun. And at the end of the day you having fun with all three of us meant more to you than asking me questions that could have secured my safety.

There are a dozen different routes you could have taken, none of which you chose to take. Your communication skills are hampered at best and you clearly have problems of your own you need to sort through. And if you truly did not have the capacity to do any of those other routes because communication is THAT tough for you? Then.... I can’t work with that. But you don’t really get to see my immense self blame about something you and your boyfriend caused and then just... Not bother to even text me something like, “It wasn’t your fault.” Or even, “I don’t hate you. / I don’t blame you.” Simple, short, something at the very least. You tell me you can’t talk to therapists but I’m decently sure you chose not to, you don’t want to talk and I suspect there’s more behind that on the reasons why than you’re willing to admit. 

This isn’t just me staying angry. This isn’t just a case of me splitting on you. This is you and your boyfriend both having dragged multiple aspects of my past trauma out for no viable reason. No other reason than he just fucking felt like bringing it up. And you were too used to him talking that way to blink twice at it. And you likely labeling me as someone over reacting. Guess what, honey? This is what trauma does to people. Not everyone reacts to trauma or very specific triggers in the same way especially when around people who make it their goal to pick that trauma out like some sort of game. This is a case of me being absolutely floored for going on a year now because of what went down and the resulting discombobulated mess that arose from all of it. This is me finding out you don’t really have any respect for me as a person. I’m not saying this shit to slight you. I’m saying it because you’re under the assumption this can be fixed or we can just go back to the way we were before once I feel better or something long those lines.

I don’t WANT to hear your excuses. S, the worst you could say would be, “They vague posted about me.” And once I actually allow myself to process that? I feel so much better. I feel like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I allow myself to consider that for once. When I fully let myself be angry or recognize the fact I have zero professional help right now, wrestled with my symptoms over that time frame decently well, I didn’t NEED NOR WANT you to be my therapist. But I wanted you to at least ask questions. And you pretty much did diddly zilch aside from trying to get away from my panic stricken ass. If you cannot deal with people who have problems? You should probably slap a warning label on your forehead before befriending folks if you plan on keeping John around, just saying.

I’m so beyond nauseated right now. You want to be pissed off about my vent posting? If you’re still repeatedly checking my blog you don’t even follow anywhere anymore, go ahead and be mad at this vent post. I’m fuckin’ done.

[hanzi83]

To Be Clear I am Not Suicidal

Just when I take a break from writing scathing blogs to spew out the irrational hatred in my head that constantly flows, while all these people perpetuate those attitudes with their targeted harassment of me, their secrecy, yet their transparency they take it to another level. You know how I always point out these people, whether it is Stern trolls, other online trolls, right wingers or even people I know personally, don’t actually care about my mental health unless something happened so they can pretend they care, well it kind of happened when they reported my account because I seemed suicidal.

They have seen these irrational tweets before and know I vent so I don’t actually do anything to anyone or myself but they felt the need to report my account. It is funny that if you were so concerned you could have reached out personally and try to talk to me but these people didn’t care, they just wanted to report me and censor me because the shit I am saying makes them feel uncomfortable about selling their soul, working with evil people in the industry, potentially being bribed for sex and becoming employed fan boys and when you generalize and just take guesses, you can tell what can get to them. It is hilarious because I don’t have the resources that they have, yet I can get on my social media and say the things I do, and it triggers your pussy ass, and you tell me I am the snowflake and call me a terrorist and claim I am becoming radical.

I already suspect the people doing it and it is more Stern Anon type of people, that is what some of these trolls refer to it as and it must have some truth to it. Whenever I post a picture with local people at certain times, they inform me that certain people in those pictures are working for Stern Anon and it makes sense, it is probably why they are allowed to become legit in this world, and get access to the industry pussy and dick they crave, or allowed access to celebrity events, or advanced knowledge in which way to act accordingly and then still use me for some financial gain because I have sneaky suspicion, and this goes for all exploited whack packers of the Stern Show, that their people who are close with them use them to pimp them out and sometimes it is done knowingly or unknowingly and it will continue with me. I have called it out, that I am only granted limited hang out to make it seem like there is some kind of normalcy, but when something really important goes on they make excuses and lie about it ad nauseam and if I dare point it out it becomes way too much for them to handle and their fragility shows because when someone, who is mentally ill like I am, is questioning their agendas or their values they can’t stand it because I am supposed to be lower on the spectrum, they shouldn’t be taking it from me.

I don’t have any intention of killing myself but I am allowed to be irrational and speak my mind, and I realize they come with consequences but if you actually understood mental illness and the true ugliness of why this shit happens, maybe more people would come forward about it. But even when discussing mental illness, the pretentious twats in the media love to pretend it comes in this nice little box with a bow attached to it and that is is so simple to understand and then when the real mental illness shows up, these people dismiss it and call you a conspiracy theorist or put you in the Alex Jones category.

It is scary because the very  people I am supposed to trust have used my mental illness against me like they learned from their master Howard Stern how to make them seem like they are concerned but their subtleties show they use it make you feel less than and since becoming more in tune with how they operate, they got me on different medication and have used it as ultimatums if I wanted to see others in my life, and it is basically a tool for them to kind of have their backhandedness out there while showing off their luxurious lifestyle while taking immense pleasure that they know I have earned that right, but because they control the finances I may have earned, that people on the internet tell me, when they point out I was Stern Show contributor, or that people make money off putting on live feeds on the dark web to watch me, it just drives me crazy and they are pushing me more and more to the edge. Even these blogs, they will monitor and read but will never disclose it because they have to act like they don’t do such things or dissect every tweet I send out in their private group chats.

I don’t want to harm myself or anyone but I am allowed to want someone to permanently end me. It is so selfish to keep me here when they know I don’t want to be here, but they will make the most of keeping me alive for this mental torture because everyone involved will use their power and try to get me to be radicalized and then even independent media types won’t ever cover it and downplay mental health issues and the causes because they don’t want to tread into the conspiracy waters and it is fucking pathetic how much they will just stand there idly by and not investigate anything that Stern may be guilty of, we don’t know right, but when something does happen to me, they will use it for their click bait videos and dissect it after the fact because all of them are money grubbing assholes who care about when it is convenient to get on the trend.

None of these conspiracy theorists have ever dissected Stern Show type of shit for some reason, when a lot of mysterious and strange thing have taken place with the characters involved but because these people are all subservient to the powers that be and people will never believe that Stern doesn’t hold any real power and will continue to say he is some irrelevant shock jock whose career is dying. It might be true that in the lexicon of pop culture he might not be a blimp on the radar as much as he used to be in his heyday but that doesn’t mean that these people don’t accumulate power behind the scenes, and that is why I hate this narrative that he used to keep it real back in the day, when a lot of what he did at his height was propaganda, but you see the limited narrative of these people presenting themselves as lame liberals, is meant to discredit liberals and make it seem like that conservative mindset is being the target of being censored. They are the biggest pussies yet always have their chests out when it comes to talking down to the marginalized people of the world and these dumb ass followers believe it. So designing yourself as a corporatist neoliberal makes people think that is what liberalism is, because you might speak about good things to an extent, but you are still advocating for what these extreme right wing types want, which is lip service to the military and the corrupted police departments and of course protecting Israel at all costs because if you dare bring in to question what shadiness they have been involved in/with then you are an anti Semite.

I am all over the map and I am even debating posting this up. So if you see it, I guess you got your answer, but most likely if this stays private, it will still be seen by the ones who monitor my computer and move my cursor whenever I write and they will keep it going further and further. No one in the media cares how my mental health is being targeted nonstop. They will keep pushing me until I completely go off the rails and one can argue I already have gone off the rails, depending by what standards you judge people on, because most of you are pretentious and will judge me while adding to the world of corruption and then they let people like yourselves raise kids in this world. I feel sorry for them because they might grow up to sociopathic like their parents.

I will always root for myself to be dead at any given time, but they won’t allow it. I will never fucking do it, as much as they continuously try to make me do it. They do it by proxy from other people who have shows online but now are scaling back from those shows and part of me wonders if that is legit or are they finding a new underground way to keep the heat off them and still act psychotic in private to fuck with me. They make fake accounts representing me, and it is not even in the name of parody account, legitimately trying to fool people. It will never stop. They don’t want me tweeting out shit either because they get triggered by what I am saying and I notice whenever I call out right wingers, local people, Stern trolls, this shit will happen and they are probably planning on fucking me over even more at some point.

At least there is documentation from the last decade out there that shows where my mind was in certain times in my life throughout the course of history and  I may be repetitive in most cases but it is constantly in my head and  doesn’t stop and I am imagining probable scenarios mixed with my painful past of not expressing my true emotions at certain time. It is dangerous to put this out there, because the vultures will use this and try to manipulate more but since I know these people exist and how they think and what kind of people the system recruits to do their bidding, it is easy for me to get an inkling of how these people think. I know they are desperate to get laid, and watch people nonstop, they have miserable marriages that they use t seem normal, they spend too much time in group chats because no one in their personal lives really have much respect for them and they have had to compromise themselves sexually and mentally and are basically blackmailed into doing this.

These people don’t care about anyone’s mental health and will continuously try to fuck with me because I am not snapping enough or doing enough periscopes because these people use it for their platforms for content to see what I am doing and the fact that I can kind of write out these thoughts it makes them even more nervous that I can half ass convey my message and not lose my mind completely because it still triggers them and their flaws. They will keep paying attention and bring me up on the surface once and a while but realize that anyone who has partook in this harassment and have profited off my misery I will always wish the worst for you and I never want to speak to any of you ever again, just like you don’t want to really speak to me. You invite me out to limited gatherings to help you and try to fool me by giving my information out so you can send things to my house or get me swatted, which is something they have done to others. It is fucking pathetic how these people can operate and they have been given permission do those kinds of things.