#also sorry for any typos

[poisonedfate]

for your ask game, garden life! i've been obsessed with this song lately

okay. okay. i just listened to the song for the first time (yeah, i know, don't yell at me) and Oh Boy.

immediately i can tell you it would be angsty, angsty merthur.

i'd write it about young-ish merthur, perhaps s2, through 02x11 (the witch's quickening) when merlin sees the future through the crystal. i wouldn't want it to be a rewrite, but i'd play on that specific scene so that merlin would see more of the future - specifically, arthur's end. at first i was gonna leave it at that, but now that i'm thinking about it - the vision would be vague and i also imagine arthur finding out about it and believing merlin, so the fic would have more future-seeing aspects. the song feels like a conversation in this context, most of it being the period between merlin seeing the future and arthur finding out.

i imagine arthur as more...dark in this, struggling. all the responsibilities and growing pains and realisations that come with it. i'd incorporate the trope of arthur learning personal closeness through merlin, gentleness, kindness.

and, so, merlin would be overcome with the idea of arthur dying young, he'd grow somewhat distant. they wouldn't be in an established relationship or anything that early on, but they'd certainly thread the line between friends and something more. merlin would stay with arthur longer than necessary during nighttime, a kind of comfort and presence. there would've been one time they almost kissed but got interrupted, not long before the discovery of the crystal. so that would be the overall vibe of those two going into it. arthur being arthur would notice merlin being weird, poking and prodding until merlin told him vague lies. arthur wouldn't believe him, of course. most of the scenes, especially the early ones, would be set during nighttime, merlin taking the metaphorical role of a nightlight. this is when arthur would be most honest and open. they'd talk in whispers and arthur would often reach out to play with merlin's fingers.

eventually, arthur would coax it out of merlin. he'd be hesitant to believe it, but merlin would have done his research, armed with a way to see more of the future. arthur would be stubbornly curious, feigning disinterest, saying he'll go with merlin only so he doesn't get himself killed. i'm not too sure about the details of the 'quest' or what exactly the visions would entail, but both merlin and arthur would see it. again, not too much would be given away, only that arthur would be destined to die young and merlin would wait and wait and wait aka "you left a dent inside my soul / (what comes after me? we can't stay forever)".

after that, they'd go through the motions of what it all really means, how much of it can be changed, and how much of each other they're willing to lose, knowing the likely end. one particular scene in my mind was arthur with his head in merlin's lap saying "what comes after me?" once for camelot, and once, quieter, for them two.

you might be thinking - magic?? i'm not sure if a magic reveal would be included. arthur might know already, merlin might lie his ass off, i don't know. although, to make it a little less angsty, i think it would have to be an already known thing.

give me a self-made fic title and i'll tell you what i'd write about

[fennecthunderfox]

Hello, I've been a little more active here recently so I figured I'd say hello. Insane ramblings under the cut.

My mental health had been way better after cutting out social media in most forms, so that's why I've been away for so long. And why I'm not on twitter/x anymore if you once followed me there. I likely will never return to that account, both cause it wasn't great for my mental health but also because I don't think I can get back into it even if I wanted to.

My DA account logged me off on it's own as well and I've been too lazy to log back into it. But also I feel like a large percent of my followers over there followed me for Defnodel, and uh... if I ever return to that, I'm either going to upload the remainder of chapter 3 all at once OR scrap the ENTIRE thing and start over once ALL of Deltarune is out.

That's a big "if" though. In my free time I daydream about Rito and the Babylon Rogues these days, so UT and DR have cycled out of my focus to let Zelda and Sonic in. I like all these games mind you, but they're on a rotating disk where Zelda, Sonic, Splatoon, and UTDR are on the outer edges that get their turn in my attention spotlight and Myst/Obduction is smack dab in the middle influencing every creative project I do. Sonic and Zelda are in the spotlight right now for me. UTDR will likely get another turn when more chapters release. This is how my hyperfixation wheel works.

Also, uh... this is probably not a surprise to some people that know me, but I went to a psychiatrist for the first time last month. Turns out I have autism, and while I honestly anticipated that being possible, it still had me in a contemplative non-social state. It took me 3 weeks to tell my siblings, and I still haven't told my parents.

I just didn't want the revelation to be something treated in any negative way. It's not a bad thing, just a facet of me that finally has a name.

So that's where I've been and where I'm at now. Don't be surprised if I disappear again for the other 100 years. Or whatever that Jevil quote is.

[galaxynajma]

Thank you so much for the tag! @cursedvibes and @hxhhasmysoul

Favorite color: purple but I do really love blue too

Last song: “haven't you noticed i'm a star” from the steven universe ost ( love the OST so much it kinda gets me emotional for some reason)

Last movie: I think it was “ charlie and the chocolate factory "? It’s a movie I watch a lot every year never get bored of it surprisingly. I am planning to watch the fnaf movie

Other stuff I watched this year: hasn’t been watching that much shows I mostly read/ am busy the only movie I’ve watched this year that i think would be interesting to talk about is “ cult of Chucky “ it was fine the best part about it was the fact I was watching it with my mom so we were just laughing our asses off

Shows I dropped this year/didn't finish: oshi no ko. I was watching it weekly but then I forgot to and hasn’t finished it since. There’s some other shows I hasn’t finished yet

Currently reading: jjk csm sakamoto days blue lock. Been trying to read a lot of junji Ito. I’m up to date with the summer hikaru died ( some other stuff I want to read )

Currently listening to: the contortionist by melanie martinez

Currently working on: nothing much besides some irl/ personal stuff what I can say is that I’m trying to fix my eating and sleeping habits

Current obsession: jjk ( it has me in a chokehold) starting to with sakamoto days and my genshin obsession is coming back so yay??. OH and ofc junji Ito

( I have no idea who has already done this ) tagging @ethercain @phontao @thequeenofsarcaasm @kiirara ( no pressure ofc <3 )

[k0mmari]

SYSTEM! SHEN YUAN AU (Pt.2)

Pt.1

Im not done with this, so to the people that wanted more, here it is! I, fortunately or not, have thought way too much again, so once more this is going to be a very, very, VERY long post. If you guys have any ideas about this btw, please do share them! I really am just letting my mind wander a bit more than usual, so maybe someone else can have more structured thoughts than me lol. (Fair warning, there probably will be plot holes, so sorry in advance!)

Please read Pt.1 if you haven't, or this won't make any sense!

After SY warped away from his impromptu meeting with Binghe, the last place he would like to end up would be even deeper into the Endless Abyss, but according to his System, the next piece of the virus was here. While not happy, since his Personal System was (mostly) working as intended, SY managed to activate Ghost Mode and walk towards the next part without having to deal with any of the creatures down there. (He had to try very hard not to get distracted by the monsters, lest his supervisor thinks he also went missing.)

It takes considerably more time to find the virus this time, so much in fact, SY starts to recognize his surroundings from SQH's ramblings (not that he was interested or anything), and he feels a cold sense of dread running down his spine. There was no way he was that unlucky that the object that got corrupted this time was-

He was that unlocky. Lo and behold, after entering a run down ruin, SY is faced with the legendary Xin Mo, power so overwhelming it manifested as dark fire covering the blade. The only reason why SY wasn't immediately writhing on the ground from the sword's power was Ghost Mode, which he could not rely for too long, as his Personal System was displaying warning after warning about Possibility of Corruption and God Like Plot Point. It all meant that SY was on a timer, and if he took too long, the sword would start corrupting his System, which in turn could corrupt him.

Now, since this was a VERY important Plot Point, Luo Binghe had to find Xin Mo or else the plot would derail to an unfixable degree, SY couldn't just snip at it, which was a problem, since manual debugging took a considerably longer time! Still, he summons his Scissors and positions it so he can start at least trimming off the virus.

His plan immediately backfires however, as an ominous crack sounds through the air and he's suddenly pushed away from the sword by a gust of energy. A bit disoriented, he shakes his head and acesses the sit-

Xin Mo, the horrible sword it was, was apparently so OP that it seemed to detect the Scissors at the last second, and the thing attacked back! The metal of the Scissors was dark and broken where it came close to the sword, almost broken in half! Which, not good! It any other time, a pair of broken Debugging Sheers would be more or less fine, if not a major inconvinience (and pay deduction) for SY, but since he'd been warping all over the time for a while now, his Personal System's energy reserves were carefully rationed, and if he were to use a chunk to send the Scissors back for some emergency repair, he'd only have one chance to go back to HQ. Alone.

He couldn't delay it any longer, he desperately needed to find SQH and pray he still had some energy reserves left.

Setting his Personal System's next warp location to SQH's last known location, SY wouldn't have guessed in a million years that he would go back to Cang Qiong Mountain, but whatever; maybe SQH had wanted to start with fixing the bug on Binghe's pendant? Not that this was the right time since it was after Binghe fell into the Abyss, but SQH had never been good at warping. It takes a bit of wandering and going inside different buildings, but eventually his Personal System managed to get a dirrect ping on SQH's System, which sent a massive wave of relief rushing through SY, since it meant that SQH was still slive.

Though as to why he was at An Ding Peak, SY could only guess.

After a bit more wandering, SY enters on what seems to be a (very messy) office space, SY feels all the pieces coming together in his mind. Half sprawled across the table with piles of paper covering the entire table's surface lay the An Ding Peak Lord, which- was already weird, since wasn't this guy supposed to be an enemy of the Peak now? After the whole betrayal thing or whatever? But that would've been something to look into later, were it not for said Peak Lord casually scrolling through a Personal System screen. A Personal System that could only be used by the System's Maintanence Staff.

SY wastes no time in deactivating Ghost Mode, and when SQH's eyes snap to his, the man jumps so high from his chair he almost falls back. It's not a happy reunion by a longshot, since SY immediately jumped his friend co-worker and demanded an explaination, almost screaming about it was all his fault for doing shitty maintenence, and creating this shitty world if it's shitty OP sword which broke his Sheers? Do you know how expensive these are?? I know you do, cause the supervisor never lets you touch the good ones cause you keep cracking all the other pairs-

It takes a more or less one whole hour to calm down SY, but eventually the younger settled and lets SQH say his bit of the story: Apparently, in his messing around with the System's world creation program when he was trying to find the bug in his world, he'd accidentaly managed to get himself actually transmigrated to PIDW, though still with (limited) acess to his Personal System, which let him still send messages to their supervisor and pretend that everything was ok. He'd gotten so unlucky too! Out of all the people to accidentaly select, did it have to be the An Ding Peak Lord? Couldn't it have been Binghe? Or MBJ- (SQH cuts his lamenting when he notices SY's absolutely viscious death glare being stared right through his soul.)

Long story short, he'd initially did try to fix his blunder, but as more time passed and SQH's access to Maintenance priviledges went out one by one on his System, he eventually just... Started actually living there. In fact, he was living so well there that he dared say his life as Peak Lord was even better then when he was with the System! Of course, since he had been integrated as a 'character' now, he had his limitations, he actually managed to get to know his fellow peak lords! He knew the name of his character's family members and his disciples! He'd managed to build a life he never even thought he could have inside the System.

Sure, did he betray the Peak? Yes, yes he did. Were they all going to die in a few years time when Binghe came back from hell? Yeah, yeah they were, and he was immensely guilty and terrified, but! The plot could be changed! He already assumed someone from the System had popped up in the Conference, as when Binghe had recently made his alliance with MBJ, and had mentioned in passing this weird thing that had happened to him just before he fell into the Abyss.

Anyways, eventually SY begrudgingly accepts SQH's decision to stay in PIDW, but he still had to help SY; and so they form a plan: SY was going to transfer some energy to SQH so he could temporarily get his acess to the full version of his Personal System and use his energy reserves to send SY's Sheers and get them fixed. SQH was also going to properly apologize to their supervisor for suddenly quitting without notice AND order some more energy stacks to be sent to SY's System. SY on the other hand had devises a plan to get closer to XIn Mo without the sword exploding his face off:

Infiltrate Demon Emperor Luo Binghe's palace as a lowly staff member and slowly debug the sword from the inside.

A perfect plan! What could go wrong?

SY selects to warp to a time where Binghe had Xin Mo mostly in control, so it is to no surprise he warps to a place were the Demonic Emperor's Palace is absolutely filled with women. Not the best situation, since a lot of people could and probably would be able to see him, but with that many harem members, it wasn't too much of a stretch to assume there was also a considerable number of staff, which, to SY's luck, there was! In fact, after he managed to activate a disguise for his clothes so they matched the rest of the servants, no one bat an eye on his presence; at most someone would inquire about his short hair, but other than that he was as noteable as a fly.

The first phase of his plan was already a success, so now he had to move on to reconnaissance which was mostly easy and the worst thing in his life. He was mostly looking for Binghe's quarters could be as he probably kept the sword close to him at all times, though with how big the palace was, his objective had gradually shifted to mapping out the labyrinth of halls as much as possible (SY was very glad that the System allowed him to create a map in real time or he might have gotten lost in the first five minutes). He walks so much he even manages to catch a few pieces of gossip, though the most interesting one by far being one about Binghe:

Apparently, a year ago, the Emperor had a qi deviation where, for a day, he seemed to have completely shifted his personality; he refused to touch any of his wives and kept screaming for his long dead Shizun. SY doesn't really remember that plot point, though his wondering is cut short when he hears people walking towards his direction. instinctively he his behind a dark corner, momentarily forgetting that he 'worked' at the palace now.

At list his bad luck was finally turning over as the Golden Protagonist himself walked past him with one of his wives hanging off his arm, looking just as cool as SY had always imagined. He had to snap himself out of his stuppor though, as two things caught his attention: First, Xin Mo was, predictably, strapped to his waist, still glitched but at least the virus seemed more or less contained, which gave SY a bit more time to work, though the other thing he noticed...

Hanging onto an old-looking braid laid SY's missing tassle that Binghe had found for him all the way back at the Conference.

What the hell was Luo Binghe doing wearing that old tassle at this day and age??

A few days passed and the Tassle Incident (as he called it) had to be set aside, as it seemed that passing as a servant also meant that other servants and even some wives expected SY to actually work. Not great, he sucked at cleaning and the other servants spared no words to make it clear to him, but it at least gave him something to do while he waited for his Scissors to arrive. SQH had sent him a few messages saying he'd gotten his part of the deal done, so now all SY could do was monitor Xin Mo's condition (from very far away), and occasionally manually debug some small virus pieces that had fallen from the sword, which luckily were easy enough to deal with that he didn't need to cut them off.

The only thing that was worrying him now is how... odd Luo Binghe seemed. Of course, he was supposed to be the pinnacle of the Cool Guy trope, so some edginess was to be expected, but Binghe didn't look just Edgy, he looked straight up depressed. There were bags under his eyes, and he barely seemed to tolerate the presence of 99% of his wives, and that damned braid with the damned tassle was still there-

Point is, Binghe acting so weird really threw SY through a loop, and he may have gotten a bit careless. At a random day when SY was carrying some dirty laundry another servant had just shoved at him, he had no prior warning before a voice sounded from behind him: "You seem to have dropped something."

He barely managed to shake off the violent sense of deja-vu that had sucker punched him in the face before he realized what was happening; Luo Binghe was talking to him. Directly to him. Shit- shit! Did he notice? Was Binghe doing a clever call back, spider-man style?? Was SY going to die????

SY shakily turns to Binghe, keeping his eyes locked onto the floor, bowing as much as possible that he still seemed respectful but the bag of clothes he had didn't all just fall to the floor. Thankfully Binghe didn't seem to mind, and simply put the fallen piece of clothing on top of the others and walked away. Though, just as SY was regaining his breath, Luo Binghe's voice stops him again. "You... Have we met before?"

SY trembles something about only being hired recently and not having the opportunity to formaly meet Junshang, and it seems to be a decent enough that Binghe just stares at him for a while longer before walking away. He really should grow out his hair if even the Emperor got weirded out like that...

Binghe started eyeing SY way more after that day. The protagonist would rarely speak directly to him, but SY could feel his gaze as if it were burning; though, since Binghe never said anything, SY just assumed that whatever Binghe's problem with him was, it was likely nothing to worry about.

In fact, it probably was because one of Binghe's wives had used SY is an impromptu act to try to get Binghe jealous (he just frowned, separated the two and walked away) and after that she had gotten infatuated with him, so she'd turned SY into her personal servant. Because of that SY saw Binghe at most two times a week instead of the 50% chnace of seeing his shadow once a week. Wow.

Because of this, as much as Binghe noticed SY, SY noticed Binghe as well, the protagonist seeming to get even more down as the days went. The tassle was still braided in his hair (SY worried it was just going to become a lock at this point), his eyebags never seemed to leave his eyes, and he was always muttering about... something. (SY managed to overhear something about 'fairness' and what Binghe actually wanted...?)

It all culminated at a seemingly random night. Most of the wives and servants had gone to sleep, only the more in-human women still hanging around, and SY, of course, but mostly it was because he wanted to see how close he could get to Binghe's quarters (aka Xin Mo) at night. Not that it was necessary, as when he was walking his attention was adruptly caught by the strangest sight: Luo binghe, sitting on one of the stone stair that lead to one of the many courtyards, being absolutely drenched in rain. The weirdest part was that a few servants and wives had also passed this place, and they all seemed like they didn't see Binghe, or didn't care.

Hating to see such an usually proud man (not that he'd seen much of that either) just soaking outside as if he'd just caught the love of his life cheating with another man, SY decided that at least he'd do a good job as a servant and take care of 'his Lord'. He grabs an umbrella from one of the adjacent rooms and slowly walks outside, covering Luo Binghe's form, not really caring if he was also getting soaked.

They stayed silent for who knows how long, but eventually, Binghe's eyes that had been laser focused on the horizon slowly blink once, as if coming out of a trance, and slowly move to SY's face, up to his hand holding the umbrella. "My Lord should get back inside. He'll get sick that way." SY half murmurs.

Binghe doesn't respond, though after a few seconds, his eyes seem to widen a bit and his breath comes out a little shaky. SY doesn't dare comment on it.

"Have we met before?" Luo Binghe asks again.

"...Yes." Shen Yuan says.

Binghe closes his eyes, and they stay like that for another hour.

Pt.3

[cookiiemancer]

[hyunjinz]

KPOP ASK GAME

your favorite group(s)?

your favorite solo artist(s)?

who is your bias in your favorite group(s) and why?

who are your ultimate biases?

who was your very first bias?

how long have you been into kpop?

which song/group introduced you to kpop?

an idol you'd love to be friends with?

an idol you don't think you'd get along with?

an idol you think would match your freak?

idols you share the same zodic sign with?

idols you share the same mbti with?

the last photo of an idol you have saved to your camera roll?

name 3 idols you'd want to accompany you during a zombie apocalypse!

your favorite hairstyle on your bias(es)?

your bias(es)' best look(s)?

tell me 3 things about your bias(es) some people might not know about!

name 5 things your bias(es) remind(s) you of?

your all time favorite kpop songs?

your favorite songs from your favorite group(s)?

your favorite kpop albums?

your favorite concepts?

your favorite choreographies?

your favorite debuts?

your favorite music videos?

your favorite collabs?

your favorite vocalists?

your favorite dancers?

your favorite rappers?

if you could only listen to one group for the rest of your life, who would it be?

if you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

which song is playing during your funeral?

a kpop concept you don't like?

a group you're no longer a fan of?

a group you've been eyeing for a while but couldn't get into them yet?

name an underrated kpop group!

name an underrated kpop song!

a song everyone seems to like but you?

a song no one seems to like but you?

songs you would show to people who are not into kpop?

last kpop song you listened to?

a fandom name you like?

do you watch survival shows?

if yes, who's a survival show contestant you've been keeping up with ever since?

do you own any kpop albums/other merch?

do you collect photocards?

have you been to any kpop concerts?

a kpop group whose concert you MUST attend in your lifetime?

your favorite kpop songs from this year (2024)?

did you get into any new groups this year (2024)?

which kpop song do you think will be your most played song this year (2024)?

which group(s) did you listen to the most this year (2024)?

tell me your unpopular kpop opinion!

talk to me about anything kpop!

[kkoct-ik]

milgram analysis: 'john' (orekoto, オレ) did not form to vent mikoto's stress through murder, and he is not the alter that 'did it'

(mainly me musing on how DID functions, as well as analysing the text. enjoy)

will be referring both to wiki and milgram-en's (Neoplasm, interrogation) translations. mainly wiki for gesturing, and milgram-en for textual analysis. thank you so much!

note on names: for the purposes of this post:

09 refers to the person/system, all parts included

mikoto refers to 09 with the exception of orekoto/'john' (ie. all his 'normative' / in denial / confused / playful demeanours). this is the alter who is 'on trial' for the purposes of Milgram, so I will also use this name when talking about voting

'john' refers to the 09 (オレ, ore) who claims in Neoplasm to be the alter who commit murder. I will also make the assumption that he is the same alter as 09 (俺, ore) in John Doe that attacks es, since he expresses familiarity with 俺's actions in John Doe

i'm working with translations and 09 is a complicated character, so please forgive any slip ups!

thank you for reading.

introduction: widely accepted fanon

i frequently see that mikoto's case is controversial on the axis of 'system responsibility'.

on the side of guilty voters, mikoto is guilty because he and john are part of the same system, and unfortunately, that means they share culpability. i often hear rhetoric implying that 09's DID means mikoto was functionally possessed, and that he had no say in the murders, but regardless, him being guilty is just an unfortunate logistical situation. it's just how it is.

this rhetoric also makes it easy to argue for his innocence, and counter with how unfair this expectation is. if DID means he was functionally possessed, couldn't control his actions, and his alter just went out and killed people, regardless of 'john' having any noble intentions, that's tragic and unfair.

aside from being a fucking horrific way to see someone with DID (implying alters' actions are burdens, foreign intrusions that you just have to deal with. no recognition or self compassion whatsoever. die), this discourse also rides on the assumption that between 'normative' mikoto and his alter dubbed 'john', mikoto had nothing to do with his crime. that 'john' formed as a result of overwhelming stress mikoto had bottled up, and, pitying him deeply, 'john' decided to find mikoto an outlet through murder, something mikoto did not consent to.

i don't blame anyone for coming to this conclusion or approaching 09's crime in this way. it is very very deeply what milgram leads you towards, and what 'john' wants you to believe is going on.

through the VDs and MVs, 'john' consistently paints the picture that it was his choice to murder and his alone, that he did it without mikoto's consciousness and anthetically to mikoto's character.

so. what's the problem? he's told us very straightforwardly across the board that what you've just described is what's going on. can we not believe the words of the prisoner themselves?

no. because 09, like all prisoners, has reason to lie to us to secure his survival. and 'john' in particular has every reason to convince us of a reality where he and he alone is the guilty party.

i very very strongly believe that 'john' is manipulating the audience to create the impression he does out of an ego-protective obligation. so i'm writing this post. and i hope i can convince you too.

main body 1: the purpose of alters (no, we are not functionally possessed):

let's start at the beginning. why did 'john' form? why would an alter with his characteristics form at all? this will help us understand why he does things, and what his role is within 09's life.

alters in DID typically form in response to new life roles and traumas, with the key note being that these aforementioned roles or traumas could not be handled by / identified with the alters that already exist. thus, a new dissociated state emerges to isolate that event or carry out that role. memory gaps may occur when the mere existence of that role / event is intolerable, or dissociation is otherwise high.

i have already written a long document on writing DID. check it out if you are unfamiliar with the basics.

we are aware of a few facts about mikoto's life, which can clue us in to what those roles and traumas may have led new alters to form.

first, he works an overwhelming job and never gets a days rest. it's implied he does not take good care of himself because of how all-consuming his job is, and that it takes him to a breaking point.

second, he commit mass murder.

third, he was suddenly brought to milgram, put under 24/7 surveillance, and told he was a killer, despite not remembering doing anything of the sort.

i frequently see people come to the conclusion that 'john' formed as a result of his stressful job, and functions to let mikoto 'blow off steam'. there's a few reasons i don't think this is the case.

an alter who forms as a result of a stressful job is more likely to handle and isolate the source of stress itself. for example, an automatic alter to handle work and nothing else, isolating that stress from the rest of their personality.

i really dont think an alter can form to 'blow off steam'. by definition, 'john' is a dissociative identity, disconnected from mikoto. whatever he does in terms of emotional processing is by design not going to impact mikoto.

in John Doe, 'john's' demeanour appears majorly aligned with fictionalised stereotypes of violent split personalities, appearing sadistic and animalistic. this alter presentation doesn't just 'happen' without reason, and i can't find a reason for 'john' to present himself like this if he truly formed to put himself first and 'blow off steam'.

so why did 'john' form?

main body 2: the purpose of 'john'

it's my opinion he formed as a result of (ie. after) the murders, as a way to contain and identify with those actions, because mikoto could not. i believe 'john' protects mikoto from 09's identity as a murderer and that intolerable experience in general, by allowing him to dissociate from it and forget it.

(note: it's not in my interest to pin the crime on any one alter, and i think it's weird to do so. you will notice i refer to 09's (as a whole) identity as a murderer, rather than blaming any one part, since it's an objective fact that 09, as a person, killed people. i'm opposed to holding any single alter responsible, but i am absolutely certain that if you are to argue that one is, it would not be 'john'.)

i believe that through distinguishing himself from mikoto through his accent, personality presentation, and sense of self, 'john' becomes the archetypal 'monster', which serves to reassure mikoto that 'john' is 'not him', and thus disassociates mikoto from the things 'john' takes ownership of: namely, 09's murderous actions and 09's identity as someone who has killed.

i also believe that following the transition into Milgram, 'john', as a protective alter is forced to develop beyond just psychologically protecting mikoto from the reality that 09 are a murderer. due to the voting system, it becomes important for 09's physical survival and wellbeing that 'john' can convince the audience that he is distinct from mikoto. he takes advantage of the fact that mikoto is the only alter on trial, and begins to spin sympathy for mikoto as a helpless victim, and negotiate on the terms of mikoto's innocence, by reiterating that it was 'john', and only 'john', who did it.

let's break down some 'john' truths:

he has a rough demeanour in contrast to mikoto's soft-spoken, and in John Doe, appears violent and sadistic

he distinguishes himself from and contrasts himself to mikoto by making a point to alternate personal pronouns

he claims to be the alter that commit the murders

he insists that this means mikoto should be found innocent, and that mikoto had nothing to do with it

when he realises that es may not agree with that view, he begins to plead, and then attempts to negotiate with es, being willing to sacrifice his existence as 'john' by promising to 'disappear'

he, well. this:

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

i find these last words 'john' says to es are the most telling, and really give us an insight into his motivations and what he considers his role and responsibility.

note that it's not to help mikoto vent stress. it's to take on the burden of everything that causes 09 distress. that being, for the most part, his guilt. he expresses a desire to isolate that trauma into himself as 'john' and vanish it, and maybe it's the DID in me, but all i'm hearing is the sound of a self-sacrificing protective alter who is desperately trying to keep his normal parts from having their illusion of a normal, trauma-free life shattered.

main body 3: where we can infer 'john' may be misleading us

ok, so i have this crazy theory i've convinced myself of that can strictly speaking be considered in line with the text using some mental gymnastics. but is there anything in the text that directly suggests that 'john' didn't do it?

yeah.

for starters, and perhaps a moot point, but mikoto is the alter on trial within Milgram. not only that, but 'john' is specifically not.

to be honest, this is what first got me theorising along this train of thought. if Milgram really 'doesn't make mistakes', and were presumably aware of 'john's' existence (in the sense that 'john' is considered unique, and not a prisoner), what makes mikoto the identity on trial?

like i said earlier, while i disagree with assigning culpability to individual alters, i do believe that if you were to assign culpability and only persecute and associate one alter for/with 09's crimes, it would not be 'john', because he did not exist as an alter at the time 09 commit those crimes. therefore, i believe Milgram is suggesting that of the alters, mikoto is the guilty party.

moreover, when you dissect 'john's' confession to es, there are certain patterns he displays that imply he is misleading us.

1. he is incredibly vague and emotionally disconnected when describing the event, lol.

his account of the murders appears fragmented and vague, and it's notable that he doesn't elaborate very much, or seem to feel much at all towards the event. contrast this to mikoto, who, when pressed on the topic of murder, starts to panic, scratch at his head, whimper and groan, and dissociate.

'john' either has a composure of steel, and truly does not feel remorse for his murder whatsoever, or, more likely, is that he only has a surface level connection to those memories, because his role only really extends towards identifying those memories and actions as 'his'.

it may be possible that mikoto is the alter with a unique repressed connection to the emotions and distress associated with the events, hence his violent reaction to es' pressing. it's also possible that the murders are blurry and hard to connect with for 09 in general, because trauma and dissociation can do that. but in both cases, i feel that 'john's' account of the murder don't really convince me that it was him that was conscious for the act, much less in a nonchalant and uncaring way, as he seems to put across.

2. he is first and foremost preoccupied with what his confession means for mikoto's guilt and protection

he gives up confessing and spinning his story after he's successfully convinced es that what he has said is the truth. he then immediately checks with the consequences of his actions.

this doesn't read as a confession to me, rather it looks like a blatant strategy. it's not about what 'john' did, it's about what 'john' can tell es to turn the tides in mikoto's favour.

when it becomes clear es may not be willing to see things his way, 'john' immediately loses his nonchalant composure. clearly, distinguishing himself as a uniquely guilty alter isn't working to secure his goals of mikoto's innocence, so he doubles down and makes emotional pleas.

again, note that it's not about 'john'. 'john' is content vilifying himself, and makes no attempt to humanise himself, or give explanation for 'his' actions. instead, he emphasises mikoto's innocence, and tries to evoke sympathy for him.

and in the end, 'john' strikes a deal with es; on the condition of mikoto's innocence, 'john' will 'disappear' himself. he cements his role as an alter that serves to carry 09's guilt so mikoto never has to face who he is and what he's done. the apparent subtext of 'proving one's use' reinforces this reading, i think. 'john' being able to 'disappear' himself and secure mikoto's guilt-free survival, is, honestly, the ideal situation as far as 09 believes.

the logistics of 'john' 'disappearing' himself and the fact that this, practically, would not make 09 guilt-free are a can of worms — this ... might not go how they expect ... — but 09's intentions are clear. 09 wants what 'john' isolates, carries, and represents (his guilt & identity as a killer) to vanish. whether or not he practically can 'vanish' anything (and what the consequences of his 'disappearing' are) remain to be seen (although, based on the voice clips, it seems that without 'john' around to contain 09's identity as a killer ... mikoto is not having a good time, psychologically).

in my opinion, 'john's' confession and the subsequent deterioration of the conversation are absolutely seeping in 'john's' ulterior motives to take all distress and discomfort from mikoto and protect him.

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

therefore, i would not take anything he claims about being autonomous, monstrous, and uniquely guilty at face value. 'john' has a goal, he has a purpose, and he will do anything to attain it.

main body 4: but maybe he's not... intentionally lying

all this said, i don't want the takeaway to be that 'john' is a manipulative liar. i also strongly believe that on a lot of levels, he, and 09 as a whole, believe what he is saying, because he has to.

like i said at the start, alters in DID encapsulate roles and traumas that could not be identified by the alters that already exist. if 'john' exists to isolate 09's identity as a killer, that means that 09 as a whole cannot tolerate the idea that mikoto could do such a thing.

i find 'john's' musing on the 'kind of person' that mikoto is very telling.

09 has a very firm idea of what a kind of gentle, sensitive, victimised person mikoto is, which makes the fact that he broke under the pressure and murdered people an even more intolerable reality. however, it's crucial for 09's health that they continue to believe in their goodness and maintain the illusion of a normal life for their everyday parts.

therefore, it's safest for 09's ego and psychological stability for 'john' to truly believe he is guilty and mikoto innocent. he also, after all, expresses incredibly high distress at the suggestion that mikoto may be punished or considered 'guilty', yet displays no such distress at his own condemnation. this reality where mikoto is innocent is clearly a source of stability for 09 across the board. so i do believe all of 09 believe this is the case, at least emotionally, and collectively work to sustain this reality for their psychological welfare.

i also believe 'john' isn't necessarily lying about believing in his role and personal guilt just because of how much self-hatred he betrays.

the aforementioned utter lack of self-respect (never standing up for himself) and subservience to mikoto's wellbeing (being willing to 'disappear' for mikoto's sake, claiming his all-encompassing purpose is to protect 09) implies a low self esteem. the end of Double as well as just how fucking miserable he sounds at towards end of Neoplasm betrays that he does feel immense guilt for 'his' actions, but only in relation to how the intolerable identity/experience he holds causes harm to mikoto.

'john', ultimately, is a character who represents a lot of self-hatred. he hates what he represents, he hates what he 'brings' to 09's identity, and he hates himself for existing and serving as a constant reminder of their identity as a killer that distresses mikoto and threatens their guilt-free manufactured reality so much.

(timeline translation document)

mikoto also targets 'john' to blame him for 'causing problems', to add layers to the self-hatred. 'john' counters emotionally, evoking his subservience and desire to protect, and defending his existence on the basis that he tried to help.

practically, i believe 'john' does help, by protecting mikoto from the reality that 'he' (09) killed people. but in 09's eyes, 'john's' 'helping' is 09's unexplainable and fragmented violent outburst, and thus 'john' has done a crap job at helping anything. this leads 'john' to not understand his value as an alter and hate himself, being ready to throw himself under the bus for mikoto's sake to 'save him' from the consequences of 09's guilt, and leads mikoto to lash out at 'john'.

i'll just say, from experience, throwing blame between alters that are associated with traumatic experiences is an unfortunate and common experience with DID. i even talk about it in my DID representation doc, as to illustrate why self-compassion and tolerance is vital to healing.

It’s very easy for us DID folk to simply wish that all of it would go away - to wish all of them would go away - because they must be the root of all our problems. They’re too needy, they’re too sad, they’re too angry, they hurt me, and I don’t understand them. I wish they would leave. I just want peace, we think. (...) Regardless of how alien and aggressive we feel, people with DID aren’t possessed, and our hurting and self-harming and destructive parts aren’t demons. They’re traumatised facets of a traumatised person. And no part of a traumatised person deserves to be repressed and vilified and shunned. (...) To me, a hopeful narrative and resolution is anything that can bring the parts together cohesively while loving their differences. (...) Navigating the decades of internal conflict and self-hatred and transforming it into tolerance and love. — Me, The Subjective Comprehensive Guide to [DID] Representation

... great job with the tolerance and love, guys.

conclusion / tl;dr:

i don't think 'john' as an alter appeared one day and decided to kill people to help mikoto cope with work stress.

i think 'john' is a very complicated part of mikoto, that identifies with the act and identity of killing, to keep it from mikoto and protect him. he presents himself as the 'kind of person' that would kill, and who is different to mikoto, because to 09, mikoto is not that 'kind of person'.

i think 09 use DID and the distinctions between alters to protect themselves psychologically, because that's why the disorder exists.

i also think it gives them an advantage in Milgram: by leaning into their DID and maladaptive self-ostracisation, they can attempt to convince the audience that 09's guilt is split between two alters: an innocent and a guilty.

using this, 'john', who hates himself as it is, promises to the audience that he will vanish himself on the condition mikoto is voted innocent, making himself useful one last time and finally 'saving' mikoto in the way he feels he has failed to thus far.

epilogue / reflection

so! i hope i make sense, and i really hope i haven't forgotten to cover anything glaring.

this is an all-encompassing way of reading 09 to me, and if it is canon like i believe, 09 may be a shockingly sensitive and accurate portrayal of DID. but to unearth this interpretation you need to dive into a lot of subtext and dodge a lot of intentional misdirection than leans into stigma and negative stereotypes of DID, so i sort of understand why a lot of people fall short, end up taking things at face value, or otherwise feel unqualified to dissect what's being written and claimed.

i hope my analysis and commentary helps, and please know that i am also always open to yap about these guys or DID representation in general if anyone would like. this is a very strong interest of mine, and i love picking fiction and DID representation apart, as well as demystifying the condition for people!

thank you for getting to the end of this, i know it's an essay and a half.

if you read this all the way through, even ignoring the text in images, this post comes out at over 3.5k words. this is longer than any college essay i've ever written. good grief. but it's over. thank you for sticking with me.

[born-in-hell]

Hi!

As some of you might know, southern Brazil, specifically the state of Rio Grande do Sul, has been struck by heavy rains and a consequential flood. The rains started on monday (29/abr) and only stopped today (5/mai), in Porto Alegre ─ the state capital, and the city i live in ─ and in the other cities nearby.

The lake that borders PoA (named Guaíba) has reached more than 5m up its normal level. This is higher than on the historic 1941 flood. The city's center ─ a big residential and commercial hub, beyond being the host of most of our public services (such as the city hall and the state government) ─ is completely taken by the water. Many other neighbourhoods were also affected.

Smaller cities that also border Guaíba were even more heavily affected, such as Eldorado do Sul, whose territory was almost 100% flooded.

The state is, for a lack of a better word, abandoned by the people that were supposed to aid.

Our governor, Eduardo Leite, is more worried about his plitical campaign ─ making dramatic videos, changing his facebook pfp to one of him with a public defense vest, making streams with no useful information ─ than with the people's lives. This year, he destinated only R$50.000 (~ USD250.000) for the Civil Defense. For the entire year. He is now, delegating the responsibility of recuperating our state to the Federal Government, stating that "the rbuilding of the RS will demand a Marshall Project".

Porto Alegre's mayor, Sebastião Mello, has vanished. He sold our city out to big enterprises ─ Melnick, Zaffari and Panvel, mainly ─, and hasn't destined any public resources to maintaining the Mauá wall (a wall built after the 1941 flood with a system made to protect the city from other floods), which caused many points to fail and the water to invade the city.

This is the danger we all face with a neoliberal system.

Neoliberalism is an individualist ideology. All these people and companies I named did close to nothing to help us. Or even made it worse. The Civil Defense, for example, published a map of all the areas that would be affected, but had to take it back, since it didn't consider the topography.

Its the people for the people.

This situation is being aided by people using their own resources. Donations of various natures and volunteer work. It is very beautiful, in a way. It shows that colaboration and union can do great things. It shows, at least to me, that the world can reach, one day, a self sustaining way of living, contrary to the ultra-individualistic capitalism some preach. Humans can, and are, good.

But it also lays out how much the people that govern us failed us.

Human lives were lost because of their negligency.

This flood isn't normal. It is a product of the huge levels of degradation multi-billionaire companies are causing the world, supported by higher class and their representatives. Eduardo Leite changed almost 500 points of our state's Environmental Code, for the worst, when he was first elected in 2019. His actions, and the actions of all other neoliberal politicians, such as our ex-president Bolsonaro, are what created this situation. They are responsible for everything that is going on here.

This flood isnt the only environmental crisis this state has faced in the last 6 months. This isn't the last one that will happen.

This text is, beyond a personal vent, a warning. We need to keep fighting against a system that is actively trying to kill us. Please, do not support ideals and people ─ especially if said people will rule you ─ that go against the environment, that preach that the capital, the money, the posesions, are more important than lives. Of the people, of the animals, of the environment. Fight for a better world, i know there can be one.

Always be aware of the climate in your areas. Things like this won't happen only here. Please be safe.

Sorry for the long post.

If you're interested in donating, @decaf-lesbian made this post with some links for international and national donations.

-> If you're from Brasil, check this link, that has a copilation of maps of risk areas, shelters, places to donate to, etc, made by a UFRGS student.

[timefall-if]

i fear my hungry ass needs a snippet... preferably of M... or of black market medic MC... or both... pls and ty 🙇🏾‍♀️ (btw ur if is looking great and i cant wait to see where the story goes!)

M spits out blood, leaving a dark and wet spot on the floor. With one hand, they hold a can of cold beer at the back of their head, hissing at the feel of it and shutting their eyes tight.

The party had just finished when you walked in through the metal doors, and the mess still hadn't been taken care of yet. The walls are smeared with makeup and piss, unintelligible words written in bright lipstick and circled with smelly sprays of yellow. Cheap, ugly confetti lays sprinkled around chipped chairs, and there are a few strings of neon lights still flickering against the ceiling.

You're sitting next to M at the bar, pouring cheap vodka onto a napkin. You turn to them, holding your hand open, waiting for them to give you their other arm. M does so without so much as a glance in your direction, their eyes still closed and head thrown back.

“This will sting a bit,” you say, focusing on the deep scratches on their skin.

As soon as the alcohol touches their arm, M grunts. “Fuck …"

Their body tightens and limbs flex. You look up at them slightly, your stare fixed on their muscles. M's arms are greenly bruised, surely ugly and brutish to someone else's eye.

Not to you, though. Never to you.

"Like what you see?"

You wince at being caught eyeing your best friend. Were you so obvious?

Your back straightens and you meet M's bright green eyes for a moment. Their eyebrows are slightly raised, an insufferably teasing smirk playing on their lips.

"Shut up," you mumble, turning back to the vodka bottle and napkins on the bar counter.

The sound of M's raspy laugh makes the corners of your own mouth turn upward, your head shaking in both affection and exasperation at once. You grab your scissors and cut some white, soft gauze.

M closes their eyes again. "How'd you get all this stuff so quick, anyway?" they ask.

You snort. "Eh. Marek knows someone."

There is a beat of silence. Not uncomfortable or awkward, but there is something you have been meaning to ask, something that just keeps bugging you, and you know M could smell your curiosity from miles away.

You hesitate before moving your body in front of M again and starting to gently dress their wound. "So, wanna tell me what happened earlier?"

They sigh, "Besides getting my ass beat?"

Your mind drifts back to tonight's fight. The lights of the underground pit were bright in the centre, leaving the rest of the room almost dark. The crowd was loud and wild, crushing you, spit coming out their mouths as they yelled the name of the fighter they bet on, willing them to not let their audience lose their money.

M put up a good fight, they always do. They've fought against this opponent before too. Even though the guy was bigger and meaner, M had won every single time. Until tonight.

You don't know how it happened. One moment, M was pushing him into a corner, their fists coming up at the guy's head and hitting hard. Then their gaze slipped to the crowd and saw you, something in their eyes changing from wild and animalistic to vulnerable, then ambitious. Next second, you see M thrown on the floor, the impact knocking the air out of them. Their opponent started to blindly punch wherever his hands would land, though M kept fighting back, using their legs to hit the guy in the stomach.

But it wasn't enough. M kept sneaking glances at you, almost as if to check if you were still there. They were exhausted, bleeding from their nose, and definitely couldn't take any more hits. Marek stopped the fight and got the guy off M, but they couldn't meet your eyes anymore, not even once.

You keep your head down as you pull the gauze on M's arm tighter. "You were doing good, M. I saw you."

They shift in their chair, the metal screeching against the floor. Your hands work deftly at patching M's scratches, and your fingers linger on their skin just for a second too long. Then you let go.

But M's hand catches yours before you get a chance to turn around again, yet their eyes are still closed, head almost bowed.

"I was distracted."

"By what?"

M's eyes snap to you, finally holding your gaze for longer than ever tonight. Their brows furrow as they look at you, a scrunch between them that you move to slowly rub away with your thumb. Their stare is still trained on you—on your face, your eyes, your lips. They follow your every move, their breath hot on your skin. And you think you might know now what they were distracted by. Or more precisely, who.

They plop back into their seat, still holding your hand. "I just ... I don't know. You're right, I was doing good. And then I saw you in the crowd and I-"

M stops themselves, tongue scraping the inside of their cheek, trying to swallow back the words that are threatening to spill out of them without their permission.

"Doing good wasn't enough anymore. I wanted-fuck, I don't know what I wanted. To show you that I could do even better, I guess. And instead, I just fucking embarrassed myself."

This is what that was about? M wanting to prove themselves to you?

You tie a knot with the ends of the gauze strip, securing it on M's arm as you finish the job. They let go of your hand, allowing you to put your utensils back on the counter. You clean the scissors with agonisingly slow movements, feeling the sharp blades beneath the napkin. If you pressed slightly harder, they would cut you.

Once you're done, you sigh. The silence between the two of you stretches, heavy like a blanket. You pause before you turn to them, trying to catch their eye again, but they pointedly avoid your gaze.

Tsk. Frustrated, you grab M's face with both hands so they wouldn't be able to look anywhere else but at you. Their eyebrows raise as if they would've expected you to just let it go. They should know you better by now.

"You don't have to worry about that stuff with me, M. You're always the best. And I'll root for you ... even if you take a punch or two. Okay?"

They try to move their head from between your fingers, but you don't let them. You keep your hold firm, not breaking eye contact. "Okay?"

M looks at you and grabs your arms gently, their skin harsh but their touch as soft as a breeze. For a moment, you think they will push you away, whatever you said surely being the wrong thing.

But M keeps holding your arms instead, keeping them in place, your hands still on their face.

"... Okay."

[tommysbignaturals]

Bucktommy for 12!!!!!!! I'm a glutton for suffering

Thank you for the ask! I hope you enjoy!!

--

Tommy laughed as Evan smooshed his face even closer into his chest. "Babe you can't live in my pecs. You have to breathe sometime."

Evan mumbled something that sounded like, "Nuh-huh. Live here forever," but Tommy wasn't 100% sure either and just laughed as Evan's movements tickled him.

"Okay, okay, I get it. Time for sleep."

Evan brought up his face and pouted in the way Tommy knew he wanted a kiss.

Tommy rolled his eyes and laughed as he said with no bite at all, "Brat." He felt Evan smile into the kiss as he gladly gave in. "Okay, but really we both need to sleep."

Evan rolled his eyes but laid his head down on Tommy's chest and closed his eyes.

Tommy closed his and rubbed at the small of Evan's back with his thumb as he heard and felt Evan slowly relaxing into sleep.

Suddenly, the old familiar fear that all of this was going to go away soon because he wasn't good enough for it to stay filled him with dread. He tightened his hold on Evan just a tiny bit not enough to wake him but enough to make Evan feel real.

He hated this. When his mood swung to despair for no reason at all.

He breathed in deep slowly and held it for as long as he could before letting it out trying to calm his nerves and the swirling spiraling thought of "He's going to leave you" that sounded like his father echoed so loud in his brain.

He knew it wasn't true. He knew that Evan wanted him and wanted him to stay because they talked about it. Out an embarrassing amount of times that Tommy started to actually believe that those talks weren't just to make him feel raw and exposed.

But right now he was trying so hard not to choke on the familiar feeling of loneliness and failure.

Tommy hid his face in Evan's hair and in a moment of weakness softly begged into his hair, "Please don't leave me."

Tommy froze. His eyes flew open and his face heated in shame as he waited to see and feel Evan stir.

It took him a while to finally relax but once it felt like Evan had slept through his comment Tommy closed his eyes and tried his best to focus on centering himself and grounding himself with the familiar and loving weight of Evan laying on him.

--

Tommy walked into the kitchen with a big yawn as he scratched the back of his head.

"Morning," he mumbled at Evan as he went to his dining room table and sat down at his chair and plopped down on it willingly himself to feel more awake.

If he would hazard a guess he's slept maybe two maybe three hours. He was off, they both were, so it didn't really matter but god was he tired.

Waking up to Evan cooking was something he wasn't expecting, he was usually the one to wake up early to make breakfast (one of the one meals he could cook anyone under the table), but it was a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise was when he heard the sound of a cup coffee and then the confirmation of said coffee as he got a whiff of it and opened his eyes to see Evan had made him a cup just the way he liked it.

"Aw babe. You didn't have-," he stopped as the look Evan gave him made his words stick in his chest.

"I heard what you said last night Tommy."

Tommy flushed and opened his mouth to lie but Evan brought his fingers and shushed him as they lay against his lips.

"Just listen".

At Evan's wide earnest eyes and nervous posture all Tommy could do was nod.

Evan took in a deep breath before licking his lips nervously before saying, "I know you're still scared even after all the work you- n-no, we've put into this. I-I know because sometimes I get still get scared to."

Tommy felt his stomach swooped as Evan stopped and took in a shaky breath. Tommy loved how brave Evan was. It was what gave him strength to be brave back.

"But I need you to know that I won't leave you." And Tommy's heart breaks a little as Evan seems to grow smaller as he says quieter, "As longer as you don't leave me."

Tommy needed to feel Evan. He brought his arms up and wrapped them around Evan waist as he brought Evan closer. He let his chin lay on Evan's stomach as he took a deep breath in.

"I'll stay if you stay. Deal?"

Evan smiled and cupped his face in one hand and pushed his hair back with the other. "Promise?"

Tommy nodded. He would have promised anything to Evan, but this he could easily give. "Promise."

Evan smiled brightened as the took a moment just be before Evan leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head then pulled away as he started to walk back towards the stove.

Evan pointed at his coffee and said, "Drink that before it gets cold," before he started stirring and turning things in pans.

Tommy nodded mostly his own benefit before taking his coffee. He stared the contents of it for a moment then took and sip as the coffee warmed his physical body and their talk warmed the rest of them with reassurance.

[dreams-of-void]

I have thoughts about Batman and Robin 18 (spoilers below the cut)

In this issue, Damian declares he'd quit being Robin after finding Memento to instead start an internship at the hospital.

This may seem sudden, especially since he said that he wasn't quitting Robin in favor of the hospital two issues ago, but he had overheard Jason and Bruce talking over the comms, with Bruce being his usual self

this is making Damian feel like not only does Bruce doesn't believe in his capabilities, he doesn't trust his judgment either. Which is why Damian wants to prove himself by doing something even Bruce couldn't (catching Memento) before putting down the mantle to forge his own path.

But the thing to note here, is that Bruce just sees that as a form of conflict, something that separates him from Damian. In fact, he believes that Damian only stays in Gotham because he is Robin, that he'd just leave if it wasn't for that.

Which, sure, they have mostly bonded as Batman and Robin and a lot less as Bruce and Damian, and this might have been true when Damian first started to live with him; but in this case- it's plainly false!

In fact, Damian's interest in medicine was partly started because of his legacy as Thomas' grandson (Bruce's son). It was the journals Bruce gave him. It was the first reason he mentioned when he talked about why he started volunteering at the hospital.

In any case, Damian isn't quitting Robin to get away from Bruce, nor was Batman and Robin the only buffer between them; he's... about 14 here? (I'm not certain because DC timelines are a Lot to keep up with). it's been a long time since Damian went to live with Bruce. He has changed, developed over time, and the thing is that Bruce still sees the 10 year old in him and not who he grew up into

Which is kinda upsetting, both because Damian has changed a lot since then, but because it also creates hardly attainable expectations of him. Damian is just starting to try to find himself (as teenagers do), and he has his family to help him, but he doesn't feel comfortable sharing this side of him, his doubts (is what we're doing in Gotham not just making things worse in the long run? What use is it to fight to help people if we still hurt them that way?) or things he thinks of as weaknesses to Bruce.

His feelings here can be explained further by the fact he's still grieving both of his grandfathers' deaths (Alfred and Ra's), who he failed to save. All of this is weighting him down, and he's trying to find a better path for himself, after an entire life of hurting others (no matter the reason). And I think that's admirable. But Bruce's apparent rejection when it comes to letting him grow into his own person hurt him badly.

Even though we know it's because Bruce is insecure about his place in Damian's heart, Damian doesn't. And if they can't manage to communicate better in the next few issues, this is quickly going to become a huge problem between them.

I sure hope that Dr Bashar being part of the LoA and trying to manipulate Damian is just Bruce overthinking though.

[galaxynajma]

Kenjaku / 2 , 7, 12 and 25

I’m not surprised that it’s kenjaku lol. Well they are the character I talk the most about probably

2: "Favorite canon thing about this character? ". the fact they gave birth to yuuji like it’s something you wouldn’t really expect from a Shonen manga. The main villain is the MC’s mother!

Normally in Shonen manga the dad is the more important parent of the MC but in jjk it’s the mother

I also like the fact that Kenny doesn’t seem to care about gender and all that ( kenjaku is a character you can very much read as queer)

7: "What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?". the fact that we all just agreed to nickname kenjaku Kenny

Okay in all seriousness there’s isn’t really much

Idk I’ve complained a lot about how the fandom treats kenjaku that I don’t think about the good much

I’m not on twitter so I don’t know exactly how the jjk fandom treats kenjaku ( but from what I’ve heard and seen it’s not great) the jjk fandom on tumblr also has the Same problem but I have found some great kenjaku fans on here

Back at the topic at hand i really like when people talk about kenjaku’s relationship with Jin or tengen. Really wish we know more about them

( also the memes made by Kenjaku fans are pretty funny)

12:"What's a headcanon you have for this character?" That kenjaku probably ate their placenta ( or at least did something with it)

I really like the headcanon that kenjaku smokes weed too lol

Those are the ones I can think of on the put of my head rn

25: "What was your first impression of this character? How about now?" Hmm I don’t really remember that much. I think I thought they were interesting when I first saw the kenjaku reveal and I always thought that their personality was fun to watch

And now? Well kenjaku is up there with being one of my most favorite characters

[alxastrx]

When you're one of the most selfish mc who only saves people because it's part of a job you never wanted and did not get to chose or you would've died, who took your co-workers' morals and ideals because you didn't have any and desperately wanted to fit in somewhere, be it with the heroes or the villains, who's activelly haunted by one the most tragic past to have been created and suffer from a psychosis so bad (dare I say schizophrenia) that even your enemies acknowledged that you are mentally ill and objectively flawed in your judgement, never hesitated to try to kill anyone and has the most egoistic reason to be a good person but the fandom still thinks you're just a kind crybaby "I don't know what a gun is" homosexual twink.

[starwovenkiss]

(minor smut / suggestive content)

Frat boys, Soap and Gaz, who take an interest in the pretty TA for their econ 101 class.

The one that shows up with sweaters and jeans and glasses while marking through their tests with red pens and frustrated sighs.

Showing up to you after one class one day with mischevious grins in their matching fraternity t-shirts.

“Bonnie, y’gotta convince the professor to bump me up to an A,” Johnny pauses at this. “Or at least a C.”

You roll your eyes. “Johnny, you spelled your own name wrong on your last test.” He at least has the decency to look ashamed at this.

“What Soap is tryna say,” Kyle cuts in, smooth as ever. He really shouldn’t be here, making A's on every exam this semester, except that he’s been caught cheating and has been placed on academic probation. “is that we really think we could benefit from some tutoring. We do so much better with 1-on-1 attention.”

Both he and Johnny tilt their faces into something pouting and begging, and you want to laugh. Throw the scantrons you're grading at their muscled chests and storm out of here for wasting your time.

“Yeah, 1-on-1 would be great,” Johnny echoes, and you nearly scream.

Dealing with late nights in the library where they're more interested in getting you to go out with them then learning the diffrence between macro and microeconomics.

"So the difference between absolute advantage and -" You tense as Kyle tugs lightly on your ponytail.

"Darling, why don't you ever come to one of our parties?"

“We’re having one this Friday.” Johnny suggests, and you wonder if a part of their stupid initiation is to learn how to complete each other’s sentences like some sort of greek Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. "It’s not really my vibe,” you say, hoping that will be enough to get back to learning what GDP stands for (and not ‘great dick’n’pussy’ like Johnny suggested.)

“Aw, that’s because you’ve never been, bonnie.” Johnny fights back, and Kyle nods eagerly. “Tau Mu is everyone’s vibe.”

And to your horror, they break out into song, singing about the fraternity’s history and legacy. Your eye twitches, and you grip onto your pencil tighter to keep from sticking it in their throats.

”How about this,” you say loudly enough to cut over their caterwauling, and they smile. “if you both get an A on this next test, I will go to your party.”

They both have cheshire grins.

“Deal.” Kyle winks.

Them coming up to you on Thursday looking proud as ever when they have Canvas pulled up on their phones to show off their matching 100s.

“You guys must have cheated,” you say, dumbfounded.

“We would never.” Kyle proclaims, affronted and mocking. “’Sides, even if we did, you have no way to prove it.”

“This whole conversation incriminates you.” you say.

“Incriminates? We’re not under trial here.” Kyle laughs.

"No cheating.” Johnny promises. “It must’ve been thanks to your impressive tutelage.”

“Johnny, spell tutelage.” You deadpan.

There’s a pause. “… That doesn’t matter. We’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiles brightly.

“Make sure to wear red.” Kyle adds on before they both walk out of the classroom.

You showing up to their party, looking like you don’t want to be there and definitely not in red, only to find out it’s a stoplight party, and red screams that you’re taken.

Both of them in their element, shirtless and streaked in red black light paint, as they jump around and body surf in neon sunglasses before seeing you disappointed.

“Bonnie, why aren’t you wearing red?” Johnny asks.

"Johnny, I’m not seeing anyone.”

“So, what do you call all of those late nights in the library?” Kyle asks, putting an arm around you as he leads you to get jungle juice.

“Tutoring. To help get both your GPAs above a 2.5,” You reply.

“Sounds like foreplay to me.” Johnny smiles down at you while wrapping an arm around your waist, and suddenly you feel flustered by the two attractive men who seem enamored with you.

You pick up a solo cup as a distraction and notice that it has “You’re Hell” written on it. “Who wrote this? There’s a typo.”

They both groan, “We were trying to be clever.” Johnny replies.

“You need to relax, darling. Can’t be good for you to be so uptight all the time.” Kyle responds moving to rub your shoulders.

“Yeah, Gaz.” Johnny smiles at him, and suddenly you feel like you’ve walked into some trap. “Relaxing would be good for the lass.”

Finding yourself upstairs in a private bedroom, naked, sprawled out in Kyle’s lap as he holds your legs open for Johnny to examine you.

“Think it’s time we teach her a thing or two, right, Soap?” Kyle whispers, voice low like honey in your ear and you shiver.

“See how well we can make the teacher’s pet behave.” Johnny responds as he grins like the devil, breath tickling your fluttering cunt.

“Bet she’s never had this pretty pussy licked before.” Kyle snickers, and you finally feel the need to speak up.

“Yes, I have. I’m not a prude.” You whine, and you feel like the pastel pink underwear with a tiny bow that Johnny has stuffed in his pocket isn’t doing you any favors.

“Aye, well. Not like this.” Johnny replies before licking into you like a man starved.

[worthyprnce]

okay this is raw and rough, but I don't think I'll get myself to actually write something better, so here is an idea/outline of a scene I had in mind for this piece I made:

After Merlin leaves the lake, unable to keep looking at Arthur's body, he finds Gwaine fallen and unconscious on his way back to Camelot. He despairs and manages to make him come back to consciousness (he is not dead yet)

"Merlin…" Gwaine opens his eyes with effort and murmurs. He smiles, his heart at ease just by seeing Merlin's face again.

"Gwaine, stay with me, I can't lose you too" Merlin pleads, his eyes already turning a soft shade of golden.

"The king…"

"Arthur is gone…" Merlin's voice stumbles.

"So I failed him… I failed you... Camelot..."

Merlin is desperate as he takes off Gwaine's restraints, saying, "No, no, Gwaine, please… Don't take the blame for me."

With no strength left, Gwaine collapses onto Merlin, unable to support his weight or even raise his aching hands. How he wishes to caress Merlin's face, to swipe away the golden tears streaming down his cheeks.

"You did everything you could, Merlin..." is all he can manage to speak.

"I know… I know about—"

"Shhhh, that's not important now… please, Gwaine… Stay with me, please, just stay," Merlin says as he raises his body and places his glowing hands over Gwaine's chest in a desperate attempt to find the knight's heart. "I have to—I can do this..."

"Merlin, you can't..." Gwaine's breath-catching voice is hardly audible at this point.

“Don’t say that! Don’t— Don't you dare! You don’t get to give up! You can't!”

"Merlin..."

“No! No, not yet. I never told you everything. I never showed you what I am. I... if I’d just—”

“You’re everything I already knew" Gwaine cuts him softly, his voice is quiet, devastatingly gentle. "Even the parts you tried to hide. I loved all of it.”

“That's unfair! I’m losing you before I even had the chance to be honest... To tell you how much I lov- how much I love you...” Merlin shakes his head, voice cracking.

“Love isn’t fair sometimes... Yet, it's real."

Merlin's magic is worn out and shaky, and the glow in his hands falters. Unable to find Gwaine's strength to give his life back, he is exhausted and shaken. He tightens his clutch on Gwaine.

“Don’t go. Not yet" he begs, his tears falling down like a waterfall.

"I'm not worth your tears, Merlin" with his own tears streaming down his face, Gwaine tries to give him a little smirk but fails.

"Yes... Yes you are..." Merlin sobbs "I'm the one not worth of yours..."

"Yes you are... You've always been... It's always been you, Merlin... You..."

"I know..."

"It's alright, Merlin..." Gwaine smiles with difficulty.

"It's not alright! I can't lose you!"

"Maybe in another life I can find you again… and fall in love with you again… and make you happy…"

"You make me happy! Please, don't go, don't go…"

A moment of silence. Merlin's magic is failing, he is becoming weaker by the second, and Gwaine's body is slowly fading. Merlin has to lay down, carefully resting Gwaine down with him.

".. Hey, Merlin..." Gwaine whispers, his voice almost unrecognizable, quiet and emptying.

"Hi, Gwaine" he answers, lips trembling, tears falling, his eyes trying to scan Gwaine's face one last time, carving him into memory. Merlin lowers his head down so Gwaine can share his last words as a whisper in his ear:

"If I had the chance to go back in time... to love you once more... to be held like this by you... I'd go through it again..."

[shizunitis]

No, ur absolutely so right about Bingcest. Preach louder because like. It’s just so fun. Any reason why they would be doing it is so fun. Is Bingge fucking Bingmei to show him how he needs to fuck Shizun? Is it a domination thing? What crazy kinks would Bingmei learn from Bingge? How would he try and incorporate them with Shizun? So many questions. I want Bingge to bite Bingmei’s lips when they kiss.

anon i love you and am willing to go through the abyss for you empty-handed and with my hands tied. will give you my firstborn. thank you for letting me talk about this please never leave me

now that the bingmei rp is over, and keeping in mind that i am forever sleep deprived, in a vaguely bingge mood, and also very sorry for what that means for any passersby, here’s my answer. horniness and thoughts (hopefully coherent enough) under the cut

though i find the shizun sandwich version of bingcest to be extremely tasty and a great apperitif, i feel like the pure bingge-bingmei storylines my brain throws at me every now and then are so fucking good (read: hhNnNg) on their own.

a non-exhaustive list of some ideas i didn’t ever think too deeply about but like for reasons:

what if bingge is bingmei’s shizun.

what if bingmei gets stranded in pidw.

what if bingge accompanies bingmei in the abyss.

what if instead of only having bingge and bingmei, we also throw in oo!lbh into the mix and make this the worst throuple to have ever existed.

what if the system fucks up and there’s two binghe’s from the very beginning, twins or clones or whatever, and they brave the world on their own so as not to strain the washerwoman’s already precarious situation further than they did the first time around.

what if bingmei wishes very, very hard for a father during his disciplehood, and the system plops bingge into his world when shen yuan is mia.

what if bingge goes out and tries to find the svsss world again but ends up in oo!pidw.

what if bingge and bingmei live to the ends of their lives and meet after the universe is wiped as cosmic beings and they have incomprehensible sex to soothe the pain.

what if bingmei suspects bingge came back to steal shizun during the monthly wifeplots, and just jumps the gun and goes after the fucker directly.

what if modern au.

what if modern au where they’re separated at birth.

what if actual lab clones of each other!

et cetera (many more examples. none of which i can think of right now and if i’m being honest? half of these i thought up on the fly, so i was lying. fibbing. other words. never ever assume i know what i’m talking about)

in any and all these situations shen qingqiu and/or shen yuan could and perhaps should be integrated, but for my purposes he can take a moment to breathe. i’ll return him his husbands shortly.

back to the point: i love every iteration of bingcest.

bingge and bingmei being very alpha vs. alpha about fucking and literally fighting for dominance. bingmei being horrible at kissing and bingge getting annoyed with the teeth thing and showing him how to actually bite someone (stealing your desires as they perfectly align with mine, anon) and then finding out that what bingge would consider lowly and ignoble (is that how you use the word? probably not), bingmei blushes and whines for so prettily.

exchanging blood and it fails to do anything but induce arousal in the other and then using that as a way to torment each other.

i want the snapping teeth and the clawing and the violence. the almost-tangible, suffocating hatred and frustration. them choking on their leashes tied together without their knowledge. choking on them where the’re tied to opposite ends of the bed as they try to get to the other. and so forth

but soft bingcest works beautifully too. don’t know how they’d end up in that situation but i’m picturing it and it’s very nice.

bingge’s vanity and desire to be perfect projected onto his own self staring back at him, bingmei’s bratty disobedience challenging bingge’s desire to subjugate and conquer and take, all of this culminating in the two of them understanding their differences but also loathing them in a way. why is he different, he’s me, why can’t he understand, why isn’t he doing what i would, why does he hate me, the likes

oh!! bingmei should yell that at bingge actually. or growl it while he pins bingge down to get him to listen to him. and bingge should want to say, “are you stupid?” but holds back because now isn’t the time. where did the brat even get that idea from? he’s done everything he could to make him stronger, to make him realise that the world is a shit, cruel place and they only have each other in the end, and yeah it’s a shit hand to be dealt, but is it? is it really?

hm. don’t really know where that thought ends up but i’m pretty sure it ends up with both of them fucking unbearably tenderly (by their standards) in a forest somewhere.

anyway.

i don’t mean to exclude shizun because. i wouldn’t fucking dare? but bingcest is. it’s dear to me. i’m a bingcest purist if you’d like, but bingcestqiu/yuan is second on the list. third is mobingcumplane/moshangbingqiu but that’s another thing altogether

(i have no actual clue if there’s ship names for these already. surely there are?)

BUT. adding shizun into the mix is wonderful. i’ve rec’ed it before but through the eye of a needle is SUCH a good fic PLEASE give it a read it’s my favourite fic ever ever in the history of ever

i love the idea of shizun trying to tame these two idiots and failing miserably. i also love the idea of him succeeding. i want bingmei making bingge drink some ‘respect shizun’ juice and i want bingge to give bingmei some much needed ‘fuck shizun’ lessons. i want shizun to direct their every movement while he casually drinks his tea and pretends like he’s not foaming at the mouth seeing the two protagonists being “forced” to go at each other like they’re passionate, devoted lovers.

just.

bingcest…

there’s so much i want from bingcest. i want the guilt, and the confusion, and the rage! i want the angst! the territorial spats, the dick measuring contests (literal and metaphorical). the comfort! the. idk man they should be allowed to be horrible to each other, it’s not like they can die.

(holy shit what if one of them dies. fuck i’m exhausted but please. kill one of them and make the other revive him. somehow. maybe we can make regret of chunshan reality but it’s bingcest, if you understand)

but mainly i want the two pretty idiots humping each other’s thighs like teenagers. making bingge crawl for bingmei is also a very fun thought that would make him (plural) react in a very entertaining way. getting bingmei to power bottom is chef’s kiss when bingge’s on the other end. teaching bingge about the beauty of surrendering to his own self, which he does not trust with anything but also understands more than he’d like or wants to acknowledge is also neat. they would get up to degeneracies that i can’t speak of. i’m shy and also inarticulate about them

oooh also lebingcest. exactly the same as before but it’s better. because lesbian yaoi