#idk i just want things to get better and im just really worried that the only way things can get better is if i die | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ganondoodle · 3 months ago

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(zelda comic rough draft)

im still unable to draw anything ... except for really slowly getting the chapter 2 rough draft further for some reason, another screenshot from page 59

#ganondoodles #zelda #art #tloz #loz #demise #hylia #wip #now its almost the entire page i posted #but i dont think i need to keep any secrets ...#until this scene is painted i might have gone through 3 style changes again anyway lol #none of my test readers have been responding for a while #i worry not only about them but also about the comic ;O;#but i dont want to seem pushy or pressuring so im just kinda waiting nervously but patient bc they probably have better things to do #when im running low on motivation i tend to screenshot wips in hopes of getting a little bit of it back #and i havent been able to do anything else really #so ........................ q-q #even those wonky centaur sketches havent really done anything for me which is sad bc the idea itself is pretty cool #anyway i really like that first demise panel there #perhaps hes having a little too much fun fighting hylia considering shes still very much intending to seal him at some point #idk if its even clear whats happening .. much less without context xD

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madame-mongoose · 10 months ago

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I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field

#still pursuing a bpd diagnosis #but a lot of the specialists im seeing online are all like #have you been victimized abused or manipulated by someone with bpd?#and im like :(#ough im not ready to have ANOTHER heavily stigmatized mental illness #but despite that i still do hope i get diagnosed #i think it would explain a lot #and really help me work through my issues #before it gets to that tipping point #it already has come close multiple times just this year alone #i just... idk #i want to be better i want to get better #i dont want to hurt people anymore. i dont want to hurt myself anymore #it sucjs it really does #sorry for vent posting again #i just dont have anywhere else to go #and i dont feel comfortable talking to people about this stuff usually #everyone tells me i can talk to them but.. idk. its hard to do that. so many things can go wrong. i dont like talking about myself #i like for people to have a certain image of me. prefer people not to worry themselves over me #it brings bad feelings and associations sometimes #which if i have bpd can be thhe cause of that i suppose. just makes me feel insecure? ig? guilty? makes me feel like a bad person #when people try to get me to take care of myself. even if its a good thing #idk im just rambling #nobody take this in a bad way or feel discouraged in fact dont pay any mind to this #im just spitballing #will probably delete later #monnie rambles

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toytulini · 5 months ago

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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts

#toy txt post #my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW #its very silly of me #imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad #even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i #listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary #i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a #different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound #so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy #ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate #feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed #*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it #which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting #sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same #i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic #OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about #different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject #needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP #ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE #WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE #SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR #ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT #anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess #(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill #deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts #and the subject

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waywardsalt · 5 months ago

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ive been rereading tnp and it’s bothering me so much i need to mention it here; it’s kind of insane how much the erins bend over backwards to make brambleclaw deputy, it’s kind of just nonsensical.

not even him not having an apprentice when he’s picked, though that is kind of wild, he just… there’s basically no good reason other than him being a main pov character and tigerstar’s son. literally any other thunderclan warrior who’s had an apprentice (barring maybe ashfur) would have been a better choice. thornclaw dustpelt sandstorm cloudtail brackenfur- brackenfur is one that firestar explicitly considers and the reasoning why he decides not to is so incredibly weak ‘oh i dont think he’d be right for leader’ number one what are you talking about number 2 then use him being deputy as an opportunity to help him become right for leader are you telling me firestar thinks the cat he once considered letting die in a fire is a better fit for leader than the cat he half mentored. dustpelt is clearly an experienced warrior, sandstorm is someone firestar obviously has faith in, thornclaw is experienced and i’m pretty sure you even see firestar consult him a few times (cloudtail is iffy bc thats cloudtail but he’d really be a better choice, just how he treats daisy and her kits would be an interesting justification for firestar making him second-in-command) but honestly besides the narrative jumping through hoops to act like the other very viable options are either secretly bad choices or otherwise ignore them (why is bramble the only cat we ever see jump to help firestar with stuff they just wrote everyone else to be silent or w/e) but in twilight where he arguably acts the most like de-facto deputy in leaf and squirrel’s pov he’s framed as a jackass half the book??? why would you do that if you intend to make him actual leader?? in his trial run of being kinda-not-deputy you just make him use his semi-authority to be cold and fucking mean to his friend and her buddy??? like i see him being qualified due to having experience being the travel group’s leader and whatnot, but barely anything else is done to make him realistically more qualified than anyone else- he just angsts about his ambitions and gets handed the position because starclan vouched for him for some damn reason even though by his society’s laws he should not be in that position

#sorry its just really bothering me bc i am NOT seeing why he should be deputy #warrior cats #salty talks #the new prophecy #i dont hate tnp i just hate the bramble wants to be deputy plot he does not deserve that shit #not even on the level of him being a shitty guy or anything he literally should not have been picked #its probably the most egregious example of the authors just forcing a plot point instead of like. building it up realistically #literally in twilight he just comes off like he’s going to be a cold distant asshole as deputy it’s not a good look #opposed to firestar being deputy gaining his position while qualified and also through the understandable logic of bluestar’s mental state #fire just picks bramble be leafs like hey starclan says so and fires like oh ok even tho he’s literally not qualified #and also barely seems like he’d be a good choice anyways despite having been a main pov character #yes im complaining abt bad writing in the Bad Writing Cat Books leave me alone this is bothering me #adding while i read sunset; i will concede that this one does a better job building him up as possible deputy with the trust he’s given #its still just. why him (besides him being the mc) why is no one else given this trust or somewhat filling this role the same way #i feel like it would be more interesting if someone else got chosen over bramble and he had to be at peace with that #instead of oh he gets what he wants yayyy. idk switch the fox trap scene to hawkfrost trapping the new deputy #i feel like bramble not being deputy would be interesting like helps him realize that he doesnt need to be in a position of power #for his clanmates to trust him and rely on him if hes still worried abt the tigerstar’s kin thing and maybe confront tigerstar abt it

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em-b-sides · 4 months ago

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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually

#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match #maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya #oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig #OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2 #amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe #wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here #i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready #oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets #i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma #my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff #so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk #i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff #also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao #k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see

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donnyclaws · 1 year ago

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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.

#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself #maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it #places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do #cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way #which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does #working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it #it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect #idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or #be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely #i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute #not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always #i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen #but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the #i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or #yadda yadda lmao #sorry for the impromptu ramble #this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art #god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex #i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less #and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like #that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy

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hecksupremechips · 9 months ago

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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules

#the klock keeps ticking #i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter #cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts #and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it #plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice #i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of #commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out #but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just #wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts #aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally #i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is #and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route #cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet #its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately #and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing #and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god #like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better #she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years #like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex #and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn #and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset #rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions #and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand #that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good #character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let #her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make #everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED #ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING

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dandyshucks · 1 month ago

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i think I've said it before but it bears repeating probably fhdksl - I do not know Anything about many many popular media franchises. i know basically Nothing about popular anime, gacha games, tv shows, etc.

i do not want to be afraid of ppl freaking out at me for accidentally interacting w someone who ships w an irredeemable character (incestual, rapists, pedophiles, or participated in/led genocides). for this reason, i tend to stick to only interacting w original posts from ppl i follow and somewhat trust, but if i rb from someone who ships w a character who's truly disgusting, pleaaaase let me know lol

i promise i just Do Not Know about the character. i am simply unaware of most pop culture :')

#i have very narrow interests and very little energy and focus to expend on things i dont find Really Interesting #i am tired of feeling like im walking on eggshells all the time around here idk fhdkdl like its probably just me being unwell but. shrug.#it is like. 99% me being paranoid and anxious and 1% some of the behaviour of the general community at large #if u have an issue w smth i have said or rbed - let me know! i am very happy to hear ppl out!#i am very willing to delete posts/change my mind/rethink things/look into smth - whatever the situation calls for!#none of this is said angrily btw fhfkdl it is said with a thumbs up and a tired and ''wants things to be better'' energy #i get scared so often that im going to wake up and check tumblr and see I've been blocked by like. everyone.#and i just Won't Know the reason for it fjdkdl (this has not happened to me before so idk why i worry abt it honestly)#genuinely though if anyone ever has any issue or discomfort w smth I've said feel free to bring it up w me #i very much want to always improve and expand my perspective and learn and grow #and im very willing to look into things myself! i just occasionally need it pointed out to me so i see it and have a direction to go in #dandy.cmd

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sakasamashoujo · 2 months ago

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i do a pretty good job at ignoring what i look like but when it hits me it hits like two trucks (having sex)

#a nyx original #emotional nonsense #godd. i am so ugly #my only redeeming quality is my eyes and they barely account for anything #my nose is SO BIG and. thats. ugly. to me.#i dont want anyone hitting me with the “b-but beauty standards are fake!!”#bs on this post i KNOW THAT do you think im fucking stupid #god forbid someone be insecure without sugarcoating it #anyways #my hair is ugly too #thats mostly my fault because i dont take proper care of it #but.. mismanaged straight hair still looks leagues better than mismanaged curly hair #my body's repulsive too i weigh so much more than i should #id be happier if i was skinnier #dont worry. not making any efforts to MAKE myself skinnier. i like food and sitting on my ass too much #maybe my perception of whats pretty is warped but idk even my friends are prettier than i am #and they dont really fit “traditional” standards #OH FUCK MY ACNE TOO #MY ACNE IS SO SO BAD i pick at my skin too which just makes it SOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE #but yeah at the end of the day im just ugly . horribly ugly #doesnt help that my fashion sense is shit too #thisll pass i get over things like this pretty quickly but please let me scream about it while i still can

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homophyte · 10 months ago

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sorry i cant stop thinking about it. i genuinely hate that the response lately to ppls worries about hrt--not talking about 'eveyone needs extensive therapy first' or 'you need to be [some unreasoble entry barrier %] certain cause itll change u forever' or othersuch scaremongering but people literally going 'im worried im gonna lose my job/housing/close relationships that are important to me'--is like. 'well too bad. couldnt be me. i would simply not worry about those things. skill issue. why would anything stop u from going on hrt. if literally anything might make you slightly hesitate or god forbid dissuade you this is a sign youre actually The Enemy.' what is fucking with that

#myposts #re: transgender cowardice #unhappy with how ive phrased this but not able to come up with anything better. read my poorly disguised run on sentence boy #anyway. idk. its extremelty alienating being prehrt rn #or it is for me personally idk about anyone else #want a thing so bad. working on it. finding friction w transphobia in my family n a hostile medical system #n worries about my career in a field that is unkind to queer people and and and #none of that is going to stop me. dont get me wrong im at a point where i know im gonna do it bc i cant really #uh live without it.anymore. i know i need it #but its also like. i find setbacks and moments of frustration in all of these things #and instead of finding encouragement from other trans people who have passed through the gauntlet and proved it possible #i find like. shame and hostility that im not doing it effortlessly and cant write it off like it doesnt affect me #trans people seem to pop into the world fully formed 4 years on hormones #the trans people that arent there yet that are embarrassing in their experimentation or their GNC or not passing or not hvaing #a developed sense of style or just. arent white and sufficiently behaving like white members of their gender. i see it trust #are all targets of ridicule and speculation about the veracity of their transness or their commitment to the cause of trans liberation #sigh

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guinevereslancelot · 8 months ago

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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔

#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice #and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me #and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also #and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then #and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview #i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday #so i wont literally have to take time off for it #and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early #either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something #but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol #but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no #compared to a few months later #they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good #idkkk #my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break #the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate #but i literally dont care its such a better working environment #and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months #and the work will be so much easier #and the commute #and i Definitely know i can work with my friend #vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly #anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now #but i really hope they give me another chance #also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol #this has been a shitpost

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mango-fizz · 8 months ago

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How have you been feeling lately?

#mangoask #i dont know how to answer this #ive been the same as usual i think?#work and school #the semester is almost over so #im looking forward to that #its my birthday soon and i just have to get through this work day #i have a lot of finals/projects to worry about #once the semester ends i can finally focus on getting my diagnosis #still havent decided if i wanna be medicated but every day it seems more likely #it feels like i cant do anything sometimes #anything productive at least #what else #idk thats about it #i dont really do anything else #been having some problems with my friend so im bummed out about that but im hoping things will get better now #idk what else to say akfhskfhsjbs #do you guys want life updates like this? or is it because of what i said the other day akfhskfbskj #sorry for worrying you 😅#im alright now!!!#thank you ❤️❤️❤️

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zevrans-remade · 2 years ago

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#our family got sick for the 3rd time since november and i am so so tired and drained #i literally havent been able to get a flu shot or anything because i just wish to recover more and the next thing i know we're all sick aga #*again;; i'm having 38.8 fever highest out of these 3 times and i am so nauseous i just want to d*e at this point #and we're so broke barely covering basic medicine and food this is not how i imagined 2023 start #i am so tired physically and mentally and worrying for everyone..#i heard ginger helps with nausea but it's so expensive here and idk how else to relieve this state im in;;;#i took 1g of paracetamol already but it's not really helping and there's no ibuprofen which works so much better for me but we're out of it #tbd

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bo0zey · 2 years ago

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i’m scFfredscsfed scatsdww scared

#i just wanna embrace my mania but i have work in 4hrs n i barely slept over the last 4 days n pulled an all-nighter last night #like ik it’s not smart to work a 12hr shift without sleep but Fuck i just wanna!! b awake!!#actually i’m lying down in the dark rn n it’s kinda making me sleepyish #but now i’m worried my body will want to catch up on +56hrs of zero sleep n i’ll sleep thru my alarm uvhhhh #i had work yesterday and did surprisingly well despite the all nighter i pulled ??#i got all my IV sticks!! n im getting better at burping the saline bags!!#my only issue is i’m kinda slow but idk i just get caught up talking w the patients or their families #like i like spending time w the kind ppl and joking with them and taking the time to help educate them abt their ailments #but i work i the ED so i gotta pick up the pace!! but also manic me loooooves chatting n that’s where i fell kinda short yesterday lol #but a pt’s grandma was so genuinely grateful for me taking the time to explain everything we were doing to help her grandson #she said ‘god bless you’ and her genuinity was real i felt she truly meant it #she even said ‘and god bless the woman who put you here on this earth’ n i was like #;-;tyvm i’m actually here doing this bc of my mom!! she passed away when i was 16 n the woman said a little prayer jsut basically telling #god to Reallh watch over me n im not religious at all and i hate god but my mom was v religious n i have no problem w others beliefs #but idk i was really touched i guess like wow maybe i’m not that annoying/horrible of a nurse bc i’m kinda unprofessional when i talk?#i just like to make light out of things to help pt’s feel heard and validity and i want them to know i care and want them to feel as safe #w me as possible during the #time they’re in my care #ik i probably just should’ve been a psych RN from the start but i rlly felt a calling to the ED??#also there’s a Lot of psych in our ED sooo 2 birds 1 stone !!#also the grandma told me she really appreciated how i spoke with them so openly and teach them things abt their loved ones condition #she said ‘never change that. your soul is beautiful and one of a kind’ or smthin like that n it was incredibly validating to me #cuz i felt like an idiot talking so much or maybe explaining things more than they wanted to know?? but the o grandma was soo appreciative??#i know i need to practice reigning myself in but with certain patients it’s just so easy to see them as another human being than a body #ok i’m kinda tired now but i’m fuxk dd bc if i fall asleep i’ll o my get 2.5hrs MAX n imsooo scared of not waking up on time!!#ok ok okimvinn finn big gonna go #ramblings

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snekdood · 14 days ago

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idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am

#like... im kinda aggressive and might attack if provoked... i intentionally exude a threatening presence and personality to #scare ppl away but also bc i will actually try to fuck you up if you fuck with me too much. i also struggle with not knowing #how to handle my cat yelling besides yelling at him which reinforces him but it doesnt matter bc he does it anyways even #if i stubbornly ignore him so idfk what to do i think he just think thats the normal way to talk atp and it driveS ME INSANE BECAUSE #HE IS MOEWS ARE SO LOUD AND SOUND LIKE A FUCKING BABY CRYING WHICH TRIGGERS A PRIMAL PARENTAL THING IN #ME AND HES MANIPULATING THAT TO GET MY ATTENTION FOR SHIT HE DOESNT NEED HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #LIke. im problematic in some ways. no im not as problematic as you might think but like. i still recognize i got a lot of shit to work on #over here yaknow. its shit i think about all the time and keep trying to figure out what i can do about.#which is also why i dont need ppl riding on my ass about shit that i already know better about #i honestly think yall think me being inflammatory online makes me a bad person... idk. and i dont really think im all that controversial #or inflammatory in what i say but anyone being that in any capacity in your opinion makes them Bad for some reason?? idrk.#im trying to figure it out. like you either just have to believe any lie someone tells about me or you just hate how annoying i am to you #on the internet. something you can easily avoid by blocking me.#also the things i say online... dont necessarily directly translate to offline? im not really like this irl... im definitely a lot more #aggressive online than i am off...#offline i try to keep things calm and gentle and i try to be considerate and nice to those around me. ig i dont feel like tumblr #has earned that side of me yet 🤷#i literally have an idyllic ass garden and essentially green house ok. i dont talk about the happenings of my daily life on here #much bc i worry talking about it on here will taint it somehow.#maybe im too superstitious. maybe im worried about being stalked. maybe its a combo of many things but theres certain info #i dont trust with certain types of people and if tumblr was a person i would not trust that person with that info.#the friend to get drunk with not to watch your cats and house while you're out of town. etc.#ill vent about my trauma but i dont want you... in my life... Like That lmao. we just go to the same bar...

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parasolids · 3 months ago

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i am having a genuine core memory type of bad day today like serious SERIOUS things are going down and i missed a flight because genuine life changing events are happening and got put on standby for another which got delayed multiple times til i would’ve missed my connecting flight home and anyways it was overbooked so i didn’t make it on, and then now five hours after they left me at the airport im finally heading home and i was like “well at least i can eat the fries i bought that i didn’t get to eat yesterday” but my useless cousin who has not only been completely useless through this weeks long ordeal but has also been making things worse stepped in and ate the whole giant box of fries cause he “thought we were leaving” even though my mom clearly left half her stuff behind at the house and told him we did not make our flight so she was going to stay in town and try and get me home and also this whole situation (except for the fries) is straight up my fault cause i didn’t wanna get out of bed for 20 minutes when we woke up and like normally this would be fine especially since i went to bed at 2 am packing suitcases and then had to wake up at 7 and also slept super poorly anyways but i still have no self discipline and everything has gone wrong because of that

#i should be freshly showered and in bed right now having a good cry #i’m genuinely seething at my cousin btw we keep asking him to do the most basic things and he makes some excuse #and then it turns out to be a lie #like my cousin is stronger/bigger than i am so my mom wanted his help w the suitcases #and we went out for one last dinner last night but he kept telling my mom he wanted to go home and sleep bc his job starts early #and getting irritated at her when she tried to take two minutes to finish eating #anyways we went home early and he did not go to bed. we could hear him gaming and yelling at the computer til we went to bed at 2 am #and his job starts at 3 am so he can’t have actually been worried about sleeping #oh he also just didn’t go to work and this is like a repeated occurrence #and he didn’t bother seeing us off to the airport or wake up til like 11 #when i called him saying we needed him to bring my passport and it was an emergency #idk this all seems like super trivial but my mom is straight up handling a tragedy alone #i won’t deny that i haven’t really been useful but i’ve been coming along everywhere on top of remote working from here #meanwhile he’s kinda just been at home gaming and not leaving his room #i can kind of excuse his brother who’s also been at home but he’s also like super obviously been prepping for a super rough final and idk #ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. can you at least have some decency and like #try not to pile more work on my mother who is dealing with one of the worst things that can happen to her #and try to use your parents not being around as an excuse to run around town with your friends #while lying to my mom and saying you need to sleep or work or yeah you’ll be straight home (you’re going for lunch with your buds)#i mentioned something about how i’ve spent time with him instead of my friends when he’s visiting us and he was like ‘you have friends?’#i don’t know man i can’t cry in bed i can’t sleep cause they keep the house cold #basic functioning is making me miserable with the brain issues i don’t know what to do #cause if i go home im going to be in the exact same situation just #with a better bathroom and a guitar and feeling useless and sad because i can’t help #anyways i need to text my boss to let her know no shot i can make it tomorrow #which feels awful cause i was supposed to get back A WEEK AGO i had to extend i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here

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