#idk how to tag this in a way that doesnt get it flagged

[ink-the-artist]

Minotaurs

[heartorbit]

the star you've longed for

[ace-with--a-mace]

the truth is i actually get so insanely jealous

[the-bonfires-ember]

ive been thinking about that thing people say about mental illness. yknow, 'its not a part of your personality' 'dont make it your identity' etc

but when you have a personality disorder, that doesnt really make sense anymore.

which makes my feelings on cluster b pride flags a little conflicted. coz, sure, it is fundamentally a part of your personality and certainly shapes your identity, but something about pride flags has always been off to me. perhaps especially as a person with aspd.

now, sure, on the one hand i get it. theres something appealing about having that kind of validation that you arent alone, especially when you are constantly masking and shifting who you are to fit the situation best.

we might have antisocial personality disorder but we are still, at our core, social creatures. we still desire community, we're just also afraid of it.

so yeah, a banner of community and others 'like us' seems fair enough, right?

BUT

theres still something... off to me about it. what it was, exactly, only came to me after a discussion with my partner about DID and PluralKit - yeah i know, im diving into plural drama now, lfg i guess

they showed me an infographic about the process of DID recovery which showed the progression from very disconnected and separated identities to a more blended 'final fusion' (a term they take issue with but thats a different story). i said that PluralKit must be confusing for people on the later ends of the spectrum they were showing me because, at that point, how do you tell who is blending with who? when the lines are blurry, how do you know who to tag yourself as? it seemed like an inhibitor to recovery if you were constantly cutting yourselves off from each other. (this is not me saying anything one way or the other about plurals and recovery in DID or whatever the fuck else, im just using this as an example. stfu i dont care about your opinions on any of this so dont waste your breath)

i think my feelings on aspd flags is somewhat similar. coz i mean, they are pride flags, right? and i think if you are taking pride in being aspd then you are far more likely to lean into your symptoms, and i think thats a slippery slope to go down and has just a very 'anti-recovery' vibe, if you know what i mean.

with that all said, i also very much think that if you dont want to recover, you dont have to. i dont think you can force anyone to recover and i dont think you should even try to. recovery is fucking shit and its hard and if you arent ready for it, you are just going to hurt whoever you are trying to make recover.

but i also think that you can have that opinion, whilst also being a voice for recovery, and be against 'anti-recovery' thinking.

because look, like it or not aspd is a fucking disorder. and at some point that becomes unhelpful or it wouldnt be a disorder. symptoms of aspd are debilitating and pretending otherwise that helps nobody. especially with all the 'all pwASPD are evil' scum out there.

so yes, i think the pride flags are... unhelpful at best and harmful at worst. but what about the other stuff? the creatures alla tbh creature and the plushiedreadful rabbit? (i think both of those designs suck btw but thats not the point)

idk those feel like they are in a different category. theres not really a sense of pride in those, more a sense of comfort. again, community, but also a sort of softness(??) that the pride flag things seem to miss - especially when they are like 'vampire aspd' or 'evil aspd' or any of the other bullshit things ive seen out there. i guess they are also just way more 'mental illness' coded than pride flags are.

pride flags have always been a 'we're here and theres nothing wrong with us' kind of thing. but the creatures and the bears are more lighthearted and sort of making fun of the conditions a little bit. highlighting symptoms and coping mechanisms. just look at the imocreature - specifically the worm one which is my favourite - and the way its able to be so pathetic looking and cute. its not meant to be cool or badass or whatever else, its just a lil guy that gets sad without supply.

which, yknow, relatable.

[the-way-astray]

I don't know if we're all sharing our journeys with you about how we came to our conclusions about Keefe and Fitz, but here's mine:

About a year ago I read Flashback for the first time and that was when I first started to realize that Keefe was manipulative (I know I know, it's a basic argument at this point and it makes people mad when it's brought up, but that's what I noticed, and I wasn't in the fandom so this revelation was.... revelatory?), but I still thought to myself, oh yeah that makes sense given his background (which I still do believe but now it's just too annoying for me idk), and then reading his POV in the Flashback short story, I thought to myself, 'huh, he's saying the perfect things, isn't he? Almost like it's propaganda or something....'

A bit later I went to the internet, and learned that it is very very popular to not like Fitz at all (though I had already seen that in the real world talking to other people in real life), and to compare him to Keefe a lot. So I think that's why I started disliking Keefe, the way so many people perceive him (and compare him to Fitz) just soured my opinion of him. And I know people like to say "you can like both!" And while I do agree with that I don't think that anyone who doesn't isn't less valid or less mature than those who do, which I think is the attitude of some people who make that argument.

Anyway. That is my story (I don't dislike anyone who likes Keefe and Fitz or who likes Keefe and dislikes/hates Fitz)

had to do a different graph for you since your opinion over time wasn't all over the place like summer's was.

the one summer sent was because i asked about her story specifically, but now that you mention it, i do want to know everyone’s stories about how they decided what their opinions on fitz and keefe are. i should create a tag . . . anyway send me your stories everybody! i’ll make you a messy little visual.

interesting that flashback was the book that made you see him as manipulative. i personally think it starts a lot earlier, and gets particularly bad in nightfall. and yeah, i talked about this in my rant, but shannon randomly decides to have keefe say all the perfect green flags in flashback/the short story to cover for the fact that his actions literally do not match his words.

i'm not a fan of the idea of a "basic argument" or "complex argument", i'm more of a fan of "valid argument" or "invalid argument". like if an argument is good, it's going to be repeated . . . because it's reliable? that should be a point in its favor not a strike against it. and i'd say saying keefe is manipulative is a perfectly valid argument. but i'm also heavily biased. obviously.

i’m gonna be so honest, i have no idea why people hate fitz so much. like yeah, he gets angry, but he does apologize and try to get better, which i don’t see with keefe. i don’t hate fitz haters and unlike a lot of people in keepblr, i actually respect them, but i don’t understand them.

there is definitely an attitude of people thinking you’re less mature or not as valid if you hate on fitz or keefe. i think, as long as you’re mature about it (and don’t send weird asks), you can dislike whoever you want, and you aren’t a bad person if you do. the idea of "you can like both!" is very true, but i think we do need to respect haters. and i'm not just saying that as a keefe hater. fitz haters (as long as they aren't being weird about it *cough* "Just because your gay doesnt mean Sophie is!!!" anon *cough cough*) deserve respect, as well. acting like hating a character is immature is ridiculous. they are fictional. they are not real. chill out.

oof, i just turned your ask into a rant. sorry . . . moving along . . . i, too, do not dislike you if you like keefe or hate fitz. i'm actually pretty neutral on fitz myself, wouldn't say i'm particularly insane or obsessed with him.

[system-of-a-feather]

Tagging @syscurse with this cause they seem to have more awareness of the final fusion "discourse" and I dont have a thesis statement or any real argument here beyond just casual discussion nor do I know if Im "strawmanning" cause I havent actually seen much of it since M&M's final fusion backlash (+ Im not trying to argue, just share thoughts)

But the common line of "Final Fusion isnt even worth it / isnt even good because you can always resplit" and what not is honestly fucked up and problematic to say in regards to a healing method but on a personal level didnt so much have anything to compare it to in order to highlight it

But as someone who has been working with OCD longer than DID and final fusion, its kind of like saying "Trying to resist / be free from doing your compulsions isn't even worth it because you can always get new compulsions or relapse, even if you free yourself from all the ones you have now, its not like itll stay that way"

Cause - and Im not sure how many chronic long term OCD folks are out there - but for cases like mine where its "high functioning" (ie constant but due to how its done it doesnt impact my day to day as much as it should) and long long long deeply rooted and untreated, a valid settling place for healing is to just integrate and adjust the compulsions to be less intrusive and focus on navigating obsessions and intrusive thoughts better

For some it might just not be worth the time and effort to actually fully stop all the compulsions entirely because - in our case - there are too many, its too deeply rooted in trauma and other disorders, and so reinforced that to do so would be a SHIT ton of work whereas usually we actually are pretty functioning

So if we were to put the community aspect the DID community has onto the OCD "community" then one could say there is "full remission" and "functional OCD" as recovery goals.

And as someone whose happily settled in functional OCD and currently really isnt seeking out full remission (as that would probably be after final fusion) its completely valid to say "Im happy with this level".

Much like DID and splitting though, the OCD brain even after healing is still a brain physically wired in an OCD way and inevitably you are always going to be prone to developing obsessions and compulsions. Does that mean working on freeing yourself from the ones you currently have is pointless? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even if you have two weeks, two months, two years, twenty years, forty years and then "relapse" or whatever it is and end up gaining new obsessions / compulsions or splitting a new alter, obtaining that period of ideal and desired healing is an amazing thing.

Healing has ups and downs and works like a tide for almost every disorder and every version of healing. Its not a special thing about DID or final fusion, heck the claim could be made with functional multiplicity and dissociative symptoms and barriers coming back

Idk man, Im mostly rambling thoughts but TLDR healing is a rollercoaster, sometimes its a Disneyland ride sometimes its Six Flags, but there are ups and downs regardless of the disorder and version of healing for an individual and I really think its a bit of a negative nancy and a thought coming from a place of not understanding later stages of healing from people not quite there yet

Anyways, just rambles open mic to anyone who wants to ramble back

[inumatsu]

hey, do you know why so many wlws and lesbians have osomatsu as their favorite? from what i've seen a decent amount of wlws/lesbians really like him but like. what does osomatsu have that draws wlws and lesbians to him (i'm also unfortunately an osomatsu liker, i have him as my third favorite matsu along with totty but i'm not wlw, i'm asexual tho if that counts)

OH MY GOD I AM. SO SO SORRY FOR ANSWERING THIS ASK SO LATE I GOT SO BUSY WITH COLLEGE WORK BUT IM ON SUMMER BREAK NOW!!!!!! this got crazy crazy long but tl;dr hes got the stupid loser babygirl vibes

fair warning i havent thought abt ososan in a hot second lol but. ive never really… thought about it before this ask? i just thought it was a funny little phenomenon. at least for me, i like osomatsu the most bc hes the most relatable out of all the sextuplets for me (HUGE RED FLAG HORRIBLE I KNOW) but hes just like me fr. i love characters i can kin. hes got like. sloppy dyke energy lol. like my own flesh and blood mother upon seeing my osomatsu dakimakura cover for the first time said “oh he looks like you!” so um. yeah

BUT ANYWAYS!!! i think the best explanation would be lesbians love osomatsu the same way nyaa chan falls in love with osomatsu in that one s3 skit. when that episode aired literally every osomatsu liker i knew posted how they felt targeted. we know he sucks! hes a gross pervert with no redeeming traits! hes the absolute shittiest one out of them all! but like... we know lol. oso likers enjoy that episode the way no one else can. hes far from the perfect man, and thats what makes him lovable. and of course nyaa realizes she shouldnt date someone like him and i would hope that oso fans sapphic or not realize that too lol.

not that dating ANY of the sextuplets would be good but, osomatsus literally the worst. thats the fun abt liking fictional characters!!! like the beni mixer episode he looks fun to shoot the shit with, even if you like him or not! hes fun and he makes me laugh. he is roger rabbit to me.

like this post abt pathetic slug women? this is how i feel about osomatsu

hes not a “man” to me. hes my babygirl. hes just cute and silly and funny! and isnt that all you need in a man? he encapsulates the feeling of “just a guy” the most to me. his personality is literally beer and gambling, he doesnt get a cute symbol to be associated with in merch lol. and dont even get me started on osomatsu angst analysis lesbians love a guy with problems

of course i dont speak for the whole sapphic osomatsu community but like. out of all the brothers, osomatsu fits all those text posts abt talking about fictional male characters in increasingly weird ways the most. like idk go through my #me and osomatsu tag. theres so much cute aggression towards osomatsu lol. genuinely tho the bond between lesbians and their weird male favs is unexplainable

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. The wild part to me about the "Persephone got approved Underworld citizenship" is it took what, a week at most? Even if you want to use IRL Royal examples, someone like Megan Markle would (if she had kept up the process) still need two YEARS to get approved of it at minimum which includes a lot of paperwork and staying in the country for prolonged time, but Persephone gets it in a few days with no process? Is there really nothing Persephone doesn't get handed to her on a silver platter?

2. "How to be a woke misogynistic :Add white before woman" I think this anon was tryna call antis misogynistic?? Which like. Some of the "criticism" ive seen is just people using lo as an excuse to be misogynistic against rs but most of it is genuine idk what they're going on abt 😭

3. ya know for claiming to be a "loving and supportive fandom with no drama" lo fans are by far the most cruel set of bullies i've ever seen, and I've been in a LOT of intense fandoms. and I can't even handwave these fans as just dumb kids, many of them are adult women who made a mid webcomic their entire world and would rather get a power high off the harassment and bullying of others who dare no obsess over what they do while still thinking they're "feminists". it's so weird 💀

4. Lol I love that the person typed that 'regular' people just drop it and move on when they dislike something. Apparently you're no longer a regular person for disliking and discussing a piece of media 😔

Anyway, LO can bite it. It's misogynistic and an insult to Greek culture among many other glaring flaws. The giant red flag of an age gap and power dynamic between them is one hell of a thing to defend y'all, and it's also a hell of a thing to praise 1 character for cheating but cheer on another character for doing the exact same thing 🙃🙃🙃

Also it's incredibly funny to me how LO stans are so so aggressive and condescending to us about disliking it when we're just minding our own business?? We ain't talking to you nor do we go out of our way to mess with your tags (tumblr is tumblr, y'know) unlike a few of y'all that I've seen specifically use the anti tag to start shit like a bunch of brats. We'll continue minding our own business talking about LO with both non-fans and fans who actually want to have a discussion instead of mindlessly praising it, and y'all should mind your own business. 

5. This comic loves to claim it’s pro sexuality, pro kink, and pro female empowerment AND anti purity culture yet loves nothing more than framing sex outsides of Hades as bad, loves to push Purity culture to make Persephone look like the best woman ever, loves tearing other women down for not being the “right” type of woman, and consistently shames others’ consenting sex lives as gross and weird despite the whole comic being an obvious stretched out mess of Rachel’s office setting DDLG kink. Like??

6. I mean I get why LO Hera doesnt murder babies and all but it is an issue RS rides off "I'm not trying to be accurate!" when she makes Hades the "perfect" guy and Hera and Persephone the most desirable/amazing with zero flaws but then turns around and goes "oh well I'm being accurate!" to make Zeus be super mega awful and just make up stuff to pin on Apollo, Leto, and Thetis like?? you can't have it both ways?? Like she obvs picks and chooses who gets to be whitewashed and who doesnt.

7. Go figure LO fans to make Netflix all but closing down their entire animation department and laying off hundreds of people to STILL make it all about LO. I have countless friends who lost their jobs all en-masse with no warning and a neutered severance plan (NF purposely made it be four WEEKS instead of four MONTHS), the majority of them and their productions by BIPOC and/or LGBTQ+ creators and they're only worried over well-off and employed Rachel? Fuck off. I'm so upset over this.

8. Completely and utterly disappointed at LO being nominated for an Eisner again. I think Webtoon has the power to just nominate it every year and ignore all of their other series.

9. Listen we all know every award is just marketing and we know damn well Webtoons just pumps the with money to nominate LO but we know damn well they're giving way more money to pump up their brand now because the Batman comic is so lazily made yet was ALSO nominated for best webcomic and they're like "one of our BIGGEST HITS big ethel energy is being printed!" despite it being one of their most hated series that is lampooned for bad art and writing. anyway they need to be taxed more.

10. HXP is such boring, basic mythology shipping. Get back to me when they give Isis x Osiris and Dionysus x Ariadne the respect they deserve.

[grxceblqckthxrn]

TDA characters as types of tiktokers

y’all KNOW i’m bored when i’m doing this shit lmao 

i’ll get around to doing the other TSC characters eventually TDA was just the first to come to mind also if you’re not actively on tiktok some of what i say might not make sense ahaha

also i named some tiktokers who yall can use for reference for some of them and from what i’ve seen they’re all fairly unproblematic so you should check them out!!

EMMA CARSTAIRS

okay so she’s DEFINITELY super popular and she uses her platform for good

she’s really funny and a lot of her audios go viral posts videos of her dancing saying that she cant dance but she’s actually really good at it

6M followers and growing fast 

 hypes up her boyfriend’s account ALL the time

calls out misogynistic/racist tiktokers through duets and KEEPS THEIR TAG IN THE CAPTION  

 she is not afraid of starting drama lmao

occasionally hops on POV and transition trends but its usually satire 

emma can’t act for shit lmao 

super active on tiktok and has a spam account

people are always asking her to drop the skin care routine but she doesn’t have one?? 

*pushes Zara down* “and no one’s gonna help her?? WOW some world we live in”

JULIAN BLACKTHORN

there’s no way he doesnt  have an art account lmao

a lot of his paintings go viral but 90% of his comments are 14 year old girls thirsting over him

yall know that pottery guy on tiktok?? the cute one?? (i searched up his account just for this post he’s @/daxnewman769) that’s the best way to describe him

literally all the famous tiktokers commission him

probably has like 4M followers lmao

will occasionally make about how respecting women doesn’t make you a “simp”

doesn’t get into tiktok drama tho

posts candid videos of emma and all his jealous 14 year old fans get so pressed but he shuts down anyone who says anything bad about her

sometimes does painting or drawing tutorials and he’s really good at teaching stuff lmao

CRISTINA ROSALES

omg okay so like yall know those really pretty girls on tiktok who are literal models and are always dropping tips on how to frame your face for pictures and best clothes and poses and whatever  ( @/ameliezilber is the first person that came to mind as an example)

thats her

alot of her content is just for the aesthetic

BLING EFFECT

GRWM’s all the time

10 step skin care routine 

GOOD VIBES

has a pretty decent following?? like at least 2 million

has a spam but it’s exactly the same as her main lol

also calls out problematic tiktokers but not by name

her entire account is full of body positivity and does a bunch of stuff on loving yourself

sometimes does POVs and all the comments are like “@ netflix hire her rn”

sometimes posts crack videos with emma and cute vids with mark and kieran

MARK BLACKTHORN

does a lot of reaction videos and duets

a lot of his videos go viral but he doesn’t have a huge following like maybe 800k

 everyone still knows him

gets at least twenty “are you wearing only one contact” comment about his eyes every post

he’s really funny without even realizing it 

sometimes goes inactive for weeks at a time and just forgets that tiktok exists lmao

shows off kieran and cristina ALL THE MF TIME AND EVERYONE IS SO JEALOUS LIKE HOW ARE ALL OF THEM HOT

KIERAN 

doesnt have a tiktok lmao sorry

but shows up so much on mark’s and cristina’s that a lot of people know who he is

DIANA WRAYBURN

unironically does POVs but is actually good at them??

lots of videos talking about the struggles of minorities like LGBTQ+ and POC and women

posts a lot of those vidoes that are like “what to do if you ever get kidnapped” “red flags in relationships” “most powerful parts of the body” etc

probably has like 500k followers 

at the end of the day she doesn’t really use tiktok that much tho ahaha

LIVVY BLACKTHORN:

does a little bit of everything??

posts dance videos sometimes 

omg her transitions are SO good

everyone is in love with her and she has to remind them that she’s a minor (i’m just a kid plays aggressively in the background)

posts videos that are just vibes?? like her skating at night, dancing in traffic with dru/her friends, walking through the city at night etc

lots of lip syncing videos to whatever sounds are popular and all her comments are like “i wish i looked like this” “guess im not eating today” and she gets so upset :((

she wants everyone to know that they’re perfect the way they are!!

also posts POVs sometimes and she’s not that bad at them ahaha 

probably has like 1 million followers 

doesn’t even need a spam just posts everything on her main 

shouts out her sibilings accounts all the time

overall just great energy

TY BLACKTHORN

never posts his face on his main but he does on his spam

yall know those accounts that post fun facts or psychology facts?? his is like that except he talks to explain them and everyone finds his voice SO calming 

he posts a lot of content of animals and everyone is in AWE with how good he is with them

his username is probably theanimalwhisperer or something djkfskjd

every single time he posts Kit on his account all the comments are like “OOH ICU” and “SHIP” and “ASK HIM OUT ALREADY”

he gives 0 shits about popularity on tiktok he’s just posting for fun because he likes teaching people about his interests

so he has like maybe 500k followers

lots of philosophical questions that has everyone questioning their existence

ugh i love him

KIT HERONDALE

be honest this is what y’all were waiting for 

yall know those unproblematic ppl that everyone refers to as the “king(s) of tiktok”???

yeah thats him

SO FUNNY

LIKE HIS CONTENT IS GENUINELY HILARIOUS

lots of sarcasm and satire

think @/adamkindacool  ?? (one of my favourite tiktokers lmao)

does reaction videos for those “pov: im the annoying hot cheeto girl sitting next to you in math class” videos

dark humor (not like rude humor but actual dark humor)

like “i put the baby in the oven and the pizza in the bed” type of jokes back when those were a thing

has like 4M followers but almost every single one of his posts go viral so he’s gaining fast

lots of pranks

starts a bunch of trends

any video he posts of Mina goes viral

sometimes he posts some really weird stuff that has everyone laughing so hard irl (@/benoftheweek)

he NEVER thirst traps but still gets a lot of those weird sexual fairy comments on his posts (iykyk)

TO BE CLEAR I MEAN THE FAIRY EMOJI ONES NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM BEING FAE 

reacts to the comments with a video of him just staring at the screen with the “oh to see without my eyes” or “im just sixteen” audio going on in the background which only encourages them to make more weird comments

anyways everyone loves him

any of his povs are pure jokes meant to make fun of pov’ers

posts maybe one serious tiktok every 5 months that talks about being respectful and using your platform for good

“i miss old tiktok”

posts a lot of random videos of Ty where, again, all the comments are shipping them except even more so on his account because everyone can see his heart eyes for Ty

collabs with Dru a lot and does a bunch of duets of her videos

everyone loves him bye

DRU BLACKTHORN

SO many memes

she deletes any hate in her comments bc she honestly doesnt care to respond to them and doesn’t need that kind of negativity in her life

but one time she got a “the f in women stands for funny” comment and she WENT OFF

does really dark povs sometimes that are really interesting

CLOWN MAKEUP + SCARY CLOWN TIKTOKS ( think @/avani ‘s clown make up posts

REALLY good at makeup and sometimes gets julian to do scary makeup on her for tiktoks and povs (like those ones with stitches over the mouth or skin peeling off)

huge ally!! posts a lot about minorities struggles and white privilege, and acknowledges hers

does movie reviews and stuff sometimes

“types of” videos

pulls a lot of pranks on her sibilings with livvy and sometimes with Kit

lots of body positivity + self love

calls out back-handed compliments

also has a lot of content like Livvy’s of just vibing in LA

julian and emma and mark go off at anyone who sexualize her in the comments

probably has like 650k followers

posts a couple of times a week

BONUS: 

JAIME ROSALES

lots of skateboarding videos idk he just gives me that vibe

doesn’t post that often but is super popular

like maybe 1.5M followers

really passionate about systematic racism

HATES all those privileged white boys using the “this is america” audio to pretend they’re oppressed ( this is a may 2020 thing so it probably wont make sense to anyone who sees this after lmao)

POSTS A LOT OF THIRST TRAPS LMAO 

also posts lots of videos that’s just him yelling about stuff but they’re really entertaining to watch ( like that guy sebastian @/sauceyogranny)

everyone thinks he’s super hot he always shows up in those “hottest boys on tiktok” videos except sometimes he’s just the token POC boy and it makes him mad :( 

DIEGO ROSALES

HIS ACCOUNT IS SO PRACTICAL LMAO

lots of tips 

“what to do if you’re trapped in the desert” “what to do if you’re kidnapped and stuck in the trunk”

doesnt reply to comments EVER unless it’s to clarify a point he made in the video or answer a question

has like 200k

okay thats it lmao im done bye this took me like an hour to make

i’ll get to all the other characters from the other series’ eventually 

also if yall are wondering abt the lack of f*ckbois in this post they’re coming dw

TMI CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

TID CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS 

TLH CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

[that-banana-headed-bovine]

Headcanons for Michael, please?

hMMMM- Gonna be honest, I haven’t given neaaar enough consideration to Michael ASHODAOISHD, I will do my best with this-

By the way, a lot of these headcanons were made in collaboration with friends so like, these are by no means Bovine Originals TM-  I’m gonna tag som people but if someone gets tagged who did not wa n t to be tagged I will take it out and I am sowwy if this happens

What I think realistically:

  In between episodes, missions still go on (this has been confirmed by canon at least once I think?), but the missions are a whole lot more casual.  A lot of times, it’s more like a glorified road trip than an actual mission, and this is where Peak Bonding Time with Michael and Kitt happens.  As long as Michael’s not spending the whole time playing Atari, anyway... They wind up playing a lot of games that Kitt rigs with Hax (c’mon now that can’t not be how he swept the floor with Michael at blackjack of all things) which Michael somehow doesn’t catch on to, and they end up at a looot of drive-thrus, much to Kitt’s chagrin. 

What I think is hilarious:

  Pretty much all of these were made with @trust-doesnt-oxidize, we stan they-

  Michael really, really loves his burgers okay?  Like, so much.  Like SO much that if he doesn’t think he’ll be able to go to a drive-thru for a while, he’ll just.  Store one in the glove compartment.  Kitt hates this SO BADLY-  Michael will willingly eat week old food from his glove compartment and it reaches a point where Kitt has to stop him for sanitary reasons.  Perhaps Bonnie occasionally finds one of these highly expired treasures during repairs and loses her mind.

  But also our mans is a human garbage disposal, so he’ll eat anything you put in front of him.  He is very not picky, but if he has an option he will choose That Option.

  Also Michael continually forgetting that Kitt has access to his own programming and betting him to beat his high score on Atari games,,,

  Michael continually losing said bets.

What is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends:

  Honestly I don’t think I can ever beat the novelization’s tragic backstory, seriously I refuse to believe that what the heck-

  I was talking with @solarcitymelodies and they mentioned Michael being emotionally repressed as a product of the time (and likely his history in the military), which is why he has a very difficult time being emotionally vulnerable.  He plays off everything as a joke, and what he can’t do that for, he likes to project (think “Trust Doesn’t Rust,” where he repeatedly just Told Kitt yOu FeEl NeRvOuS tOo RoIt?! and Kitt’s like ???no??? and Michael’s like uwu I totally get you buddy it’s okay to be scared and Kitt’s like Literally What-).  That one def hurts, and I think it’s real accurate.  Our mans doesn’t think he can be emotionally vulnerable because he’s gotta be Strong Tough Boi and like Michael stop nobody takes you seriously anyway <3

  Another one that I love to toy around with is just,,, Michael seems very confused about what the heck Kitt i s.  Like, sometimes he treats Kitt like a robot who just happens to talk, sometimes he treats him like a friend, sometimes he acknowledges Kitt’s feelings, sometimes he doesn’t-- It’s likely a product of inconsistent writing from different teams since Michael’s character was actually progressing quite naturally throughout Season 2 until Season 3 decided to destroy our hopes and dreams. Sniffles.  But like, I feel like he wants Kitt to be a person and a friend, but until he can get himself to really believe it, he can’t really,,, act on it I guess?  It seems like he’s catching on by Season 2, but, once again, Season 3 is evil and hates me.  I like to think that, once the series ended, at sooome point, he’d come to a more confident realization about Kitt, and it’s then that he’d realize Kitt’s own insecurities as a result of being confused about what he himself is based on how others treated him.  And he’d feel at least somewhat responsible for that, so yeah.

What would never work with canon but canon is Stinky Poopoo so I believe it anyway:

  Michael realizes that smacking the dashboard as hard as humanly possible is actually abuse, and he stops doing that.

Haha jk that’s too crazy even for this.

  This one’s the hardest for me because Michael is such a spazz that nothing feels too OOC for him, so this is more going to be an explanation for why something I love to think, and I think most of the fandom loves to think,,, can’t be canon.  I’m sorry.

  Whether it’s after the events of Knight Rider or Knight Rider 2000 *gAGS*, Michael eventually has to permanently retire from FLAG because, y’know.  Aging exists.  And I would love to think that Michael is able to take Kitt with him to live this very calm and “normal” stretch of life, where their friendship can grow and they can be buds.

The issue is idk if this can ha pp e n .

  And no, I don’t mean because Shawn happened in KR2000, I literally give zero hoots about what that movie wanted us to think.  The only thing I take from that movie is Kitt’s temporary deactivation for finance reasons, but anyway...

  I just feel like FLAG couldn’t afford to DO that.  I mean, it was actually pretty clever that the events of KR2000 were kicked off by FLAG running out of funds because, really, that was going to happen eventually.  In the original series, it seems like Wilton left behind an infinite supply of money based on what Michael is able to do and whatnot, but unless Wilton was the richest man in existence ever, that’s not the case.  Devon still has to host fundraisers for charity reasons, and it’s still highly discouraged that Michael causes as much property damage as he does on a regular basis, because that all comes out of the Foundation’s wallet.  Eventually, that’s going to run out if donations don’t match what Wilton had.  And while repairing a building costs a lot of money, something costs a lot more money than that, and that is the vehicle itself.  I can’t tell whether more money went into the microchips or the cars themselves, all I know is that they cost a LOT of money, like I want to say Kitt was 16 million?  Karr was even more expensive at 20-something million I- I don’t know my lore well enough okAyyyyy- It was a bad enough blow to lose Karr, but FLAG viewed that as a necessary loss which it wasn’t imo but AnYwaY.  Kitt is currently programmed to Michael, but I feel like that would be easy enough to change.  It wouldn’t erase his emotional bond to Michael since I think most of that was Kitt’s own feelings over his programming, but it would allow FLAG to utilize their investment for even longer.

  I could see the show taking the happy ending where they’re able to continue to exist together, and any stories of mine will definitely take the happy ending, but it’s not actually very realistic with canon.  Maybe, if Kitt’s programming became outdated or the Knight 2000 was too expensive to keep in good repair, then it could happen?  Idk, lemme know what you think about this one!

[joculatrixster]

“aloe isn’t masculine” yeah tell that to the ppl who threw a pissy fit over her pronouns when they were first reveal. if you’re not tma then you need to stay in your lane about this and listen to trans women on what is and isnt trans-misogyny

i should rlly make a tldr because i talk way too much and this is too long tldr:

sorry if i was dissmive i was talking about anoher post so didnt want to delve into anons point because it was in relation to a post that litteraly said aloe shouldn't be drawn fem so i was more arguing against the idea aloe shouldn't be a women, ppl who use hcs to "soften the blow" r the ppl im against so i saw it more as the ppl who dont like fem aloe in general not likeing trans aloe because it makes aloe a girl and i didnt consider previously ppl would use THAT as a soften blow too thats gross if its why ppl did that, im gonna assume u skimmed my psot because u seemed to miss when i both argued aloe beign masculine doesnt mean she couldnt be a women as in i acknowledged her masculine traits and the multiple times i told the anon that i agree with their point and i thanked them for bringing it to my attention, my issue is litteraly with the ppl who use hcs or ignore canon that aloe uses she/her as the op with their tag saying aloe should not be drawn feminine aligned so i was talking more about that, anon had a point and i agreeed with that point, my point is im tierd of the ppl that assumed aloe was a man/masc nb when yes anon she wasnt gendered that was fanon not canon and ppl assumed things then got upset their assumptions werent right wich was fucked of them and i think its dumb ppl cant jsut accept aloe is a girl or at least uses she/her, if u dont like the hc for the reason that ur reading it with the undertones the anon pointed out thats fair! ur allowed to feel that way and if thats a reason most ppl have the hc thats indeed weird as fuck, i talked about mainly how i veiwed it and im not the person who can speak for everyone so yeah like i said in my original post take my opinion with a grain of salt since for all i know most ppl r being gross about it like the ppl who threw the fit in the first place

so yeah fair point, i think the fact ppl mainly assumed aloe was a male/madc algned was an issue in the first place and the fact ppl r all trying to scramble to hold onto that wrong assumption is fucked and ppl should acknowledge seeing aloe and by extension alot of nb characters as masc aligned or strictly androg is wack and the fact ppl with the trans hc may not acknowledge the fact aloe was seen as a guy and ask the "why" for that mass assumption instead jsut making hcs to cope or whatever is an issue and one i do understand ur point on, i agree with u anon and i agreed with the other anon if that got lost in the sauce then i get that since my other psot wasnt about the anons point but dont get me wrong ppl who use hcs to hide away from canon with aloe r wack and we as a fandom should think about WHY aloe was seen as a guy because she wasn't ment to be and never was canonly aligned with guys wich is what i ment when saying aloe wasnt masc in canon i was specifically calling out the fanon concepts with that

i hope this is more clear since im less tired and tried to summarize my points better, if i came off as not listening to u then fair ig but i was and i did agree with the anon so yeah if u wanna talk more about it we can im down for hearing more about the issue

(((also about the ene masse thing i cant rlly talk about that because hcs do spread fast with new cookies that ppl looked forward too plus aloes costume had demigirl and bigender flag colors im pretty sure but also i cant assume the motives of everyone and the aloe is a lesbain hc is something ive seen more i didnt know how wide spread trans aloe was so yeah idk how to address that one point someoen brought up in replies since i can see the point but also its hard to tell for me cause i havent seen specifically trans binary aloe alot jsut fem nb aloe so im not gonna rlly touch it im just gonna agree it can be read that way and its a topic that should be discussed in a better post thx i jsut dont wanna reply to that person since its on the ops post i think and i dont want to be in a reply chain there since i made my point and id rather talk on my own pist tuen blow up ops inbox if an argument happens idk)))

this is gonna end up being repetitive again isnt it? f word, hope my point wasnt lost i jsut suck at articulating what i ment so if im coming off as dissmive again im trying not to be litteraly what im saying is my post was in relation to another post and that made the reply seem like i was arguing against anon when i was rlly saying anons point was good i jsut didnt think the op had the same veiws an if they did they didnt articulate it well, the anon ill admit is the forst time ive seen someoen bring that issue up mabey i missed it since other posts might not have explained it like anon did so i didn't pick up on it but yeah anon was right in sayign that if that was the case for most thats fucked, the only reason i made the psot was like i said my trans friend dmed me about it so i tried to point out to op how their post might be read i didnt jsut decide to reply to the post to talk over transwomen i replied because a trans woemn friend of mine saw the post and thought op was saying aloe should be a guy and shouldn't be portrayedas trans and fem, i said trans women can agree with the post thats fine and it is fine if trans women dont like trans aloe for the reasons anon stated if it reads that way to most trans ppl then thats fucked up and im sorry the fandom is being weird about aloe

[outofcontextsimsmachinima]

I truly think you should reconsider featuring Youth so much on this blog. The series has featured blackface and other racist imagery before, it's really not a good look for the Sims fandom to promote this stuff, especially seeing how racist EA themselves have been in the past.

Hello, thank you for approaching me with your concerns. I in no way want to promote racism. You have every right to feel how you do and leave my blog to not see her posts (all tagged under #1998sims and #youth, which you can blacklist) and not watch her content. Its not my place to apologise on anyones behalf. However, although this may be an out of context blog, I think its unfair to make a statement as such without the context of the episode. This opinion may come from this post I uploaded a while back, or from breifly seeing her episode. Or even watching it all the way and either not understanding the message OR simply put, being offended by the imagery (which you have every right to feel offended by) 1998sims is a very close friend of mine. However, what I say is not as a friend as I will, and have, quite easily dropped anyone who is racist, homophobic, a pedophile, etc. I’m not afraid to lose friends or family over morals. That being said, I also want to mention that if you’ve met 1998sims and properly got to know her, you’d also know she has a no bullshit attitude and she herself cannot stand those actions. Shes always trying to keep up to date on human rights movements, sending me updates on the currently BLM protests, complaining about racists and homophobes and wishing people wouldnt support the racist billionares and companies (EA included) of the world. I also want to mention before i start jumping into this unbiased, that as 1998sims’ friend, I see a lot of a specific group of people trying to attack her every month or so. She’s used to it and doesn’t let it bother her, often tells us not to say anything on her behalf (which is interesting considering how many times people say she’s going to get her “groupies” to defend her. Not once have we defended her because we respect her wishes for us to not get involved.) and that she can fight her own fights. Its upsetting watching her put up with people nitpicking her in the most toxic community out tbh, the shit that could be said about the people who ?? I actually dont know what their goal is tbh, take her down?? idk its really weird. Like, I think people who try to come at her do a lot worse than her and often times are trying to come back at her after she openly stated her opinions about the community (usually its her asking that creators had more representation in their series. Which I can agree with, the sims community is flooded with stories of straight white couples). The sims community is shit, I wont deny. So, with this context in mind, I do struggle to take the rare posts I see about her as seriously as I would if they were about anyone else. I talk to her on a daily, I know the thoughts she puts into her work, into her daily life, into her friendships, past and present. Her opinions and goals and the things she puts up with. I know that the specific group of people against her would try to warp my words around and say she controlling or manipulating me but honestly, one, those people claiming something like that in itself is a manipulation tactic and two, you dont know fuck about me and my past and what I’ve experienced to understand who to trust and who to drop. I don’t put up with that sort of shit. Over her time on youtube she has very openly showed her support to the black lives movement and tried to bring light to it in her works. She has always been very aware of making sure her cast represents real people, that includes the struggles they face. Its rare to find poc and lgbtq media, especially in the sims community and especially without characters following harmful stereotypes or being the token black or gay character. 1998sims has always shown care for these communities in multiple series for multiple years, taking every opportunity she can to make a PSA. The blackface episode was no exception. I dont want to speak on her behalf and have stayed quiet about what people have said about her because of her wishes, and I will message her about this issue. But in the end, its my blog that has recieved the asks and thus, my response is what will be made. This will be long (if its not already) and its up to you to skip or read this, your mental health is what should come first. Nothing can excuse racist imagery or jokes about race. I never want to tell someone they’re in the wrong or that their feelings do not matter, your feelings and opinions matter. What 1998sims choses to do from here onward is up to her. But as I said, you approached me and I will take that as invitation to share my opinion. In the episode ‘Blakkkface’ of YOUTH, the title alone already explaining the episodes intention to be around the black lives matter movement, racism and mention of blackface and the KKK. Its halloween, 2 racist background characters walk in dressed in blackface and as a member of the KKK. Instantly the main cast is disgusted. This scene is not intended as humour or a joke, rather the main cast showing disgust in a background character’s actions. Lucas responding with a “what the fuck?” and Jo, a black character, also the only one not dressed up, stating that costumes like that are why she hates halloween. I believe here its intended to mention how during holidays, people think its okay to wear costumes like that. be it blackface, KKK members, indiginous costumes, chinese etc. Peoples race and culture arent a costume and 1998sims attempted to show how costumes like that happen often irl and how hurtful and racist they are. Next scene. I’m Not Racist by Joyner Lucas plays in the background. Teacher rants about inappropriate costumes. Cut to a close up of Jo’s face obvious waiting for the issue to be addressed. Teacher mentions girls wearing costumes that are inappropriate, too tight or short, makes no mention of racist costumes or issues with it. Clearly Jo and her classmate, Trey (also a black cast member, wearing a shirt that states “not your costume” as a protest to the racist costumes during halloween), aren’t happy and chose to silently protest by sitting while the class pledges alleigence to the flag. The teacher gets mad at the two who are quite calmly explaining their rights, which starts a debate. The blackface and KKK costumes are brought up, Jo calls out racism and the two take advantage of their priveledge, claiming its just paint telling Jo not to be offended and that shes being sensitive. This is a clear case of racists making excuses, trying to victimize themselves and using their privelege against Jo. Teacher, unable to respond to Jo’s retort then takes it out on Trey, Saying his shirt is inappropriate and promotes violence (does that sound familiar to the black likes matter movement at the moment?), that he needs to go to the office. Trey questions if the teacher himself is racist, calls everyone disgusting for their actions. Teacher sends both students to go to the office and as Jo walks past, the racist students call her a monkey which is the final straw and she punches them. She regrets it later knowing the outcome will be terrible on her behalf as a black girl. Trey beside her, tries to validate her and she mentions how shes the one whos going to be suspended but the person whos actually in the wrong will play victim as their actions will be forgotten about. she says “I played into the narrative he wanted me to play into.” saying she doesnt want to be the stereotypical black person that solves issues through violence. Trey once again tries to validate her actions, telling her that she had the right to defend herself. “dont let them make you feel bad for their crappy actions.” What 1998sims shows here is the real life struggle that black people face. Them being seen as a costume, their history being a joke to racists. That people of privelege and power can manipulate situations and try to paint themsleves as victims and black people as violent, often gaslighting until, in some cases (like Jo’s) the real victim takes actions in their own hands since the system cant protect them and they need to protect themself. This is a serious and real topic and yes, understandably it can be triggering to some people who have experienced these things themselves. I dont think 1998sims’ goal is to hurt people though. Rather show a character you care about or relate to going through something thats very real and make her viewers aware of said issues, use empathy to make people mad or upset and maybe stand up to make a change to stop these things from continuing to happen in the real world. Once again, I apologise for posting any content that has been hurtful to you. But morally I felt the need to at least add some context on why this episode and scenes were intended to, from the perspective of someone whos against racism, someone who wants equality, someone who wants to share a message. 1998sims’ series is raw in the sense its real and inspired by reality. Some people like that sort of representation in the media they consume, some dont. And if you dont, thats up to you to not watch her content. If you prefer media that escapes reality, her series isnt for you and thats okay. And I just need to say this once again. I’m not defending her or the episopde because shes my friend. If I find out her or anyone I know has made content thats intended to be hurtful to anyone, I will drop them. I have no intention ever in my life to be associated with people like that. I’m sorry that you can no longer feel safe on my blog though, its sad that has to be the case but I hope at least with the context of the episode brought up, maybe you can see things in a different way. If not, I hope you find safety somewhere else. Its what you deserve after all, don’t put yourself through any more harm, you should always come first.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[asynca]

pt.1) Dear Asy. I want to break up with my girlfriend. This is kinda a big deal obviously- she's an honestly lovely and wonderful person I've just started to realise more and more that my love for her is platonic and she deserves far more than that. Plus I'm dealing with depression and her huggy positive approach to mental illness really doesnt help me like it would for others, it just overwhelms me. My issue is that we're both in the same friendship group and I am a very quiet shy person

pt.2) I’m worried that if we break up everyone will be forced to pick sides and as she’s the mum friend and im the quiet awkward tag alone girl I’ll be instantly sided against- which I guess is understandable but would just really suck, for all of us I think. I just really want us to still be friends. I love spending time with her but I cant do couple things! and when I’m having a down day and dont want to be touched she just doesnt get it, she’ll keep grabbing at me and hugging me and I’ll

pt.3) feel horrible and fragile by the end of it. Idk, what I’m asking is if you think theres a way to break up without it becoming the worst decision I’ve made in my life, destroying friendships and making her hate me. I’m so scared to do it because I have hardcore anxiety about just about everything and I’m worried I’ll make her feel like I’ve been faking it this whole time or that I’ve been using her idk!!! But I feel like I have to tell her because its wrong not to!? Idk I need some advice!x

Ah, yes: breaking up when you have the same friends. 

Honestly, all of this is something you can discuss with her. I’m not sure how mature she is - hopefully, mature enough to understand that roping other people into you break-up isn’t the best decision for anyone involved. 

If she’s not listening to you about “don’t touch me when I’m not feeling great”, I’m a little worried she won’t listen to you about other things as well, 

Before you break up with her - really consider if now is the best time to make this decision. When you are depressed, sometimes you can’t trust yourself to make decisions in your best interest. Furthermore, it’s some times hard to feel ‘love’ as an emotion and a feeling when you’re depression so you lack of love for her might actually be related to your mental health rather than your capacity to feel love for her at other times. This is especially noteworthy if you’re in the 3-6 month time-period of a relationship, because (to drastically simplify it) the ‘lust/love’ hormone starts to decline during this time and is usually replaced by a hormone that promotes bonding. However, the bonding hormone is a much gentler feeling than lust-love and may not be recognisable if you haven’t felt long term love before, or if you’re not feeling well in general. Most young people (and some older people!) confuse the decline of obsessive, passionate lust as a sign they don’t love the person, without recognising it’s a normal part of starting a new relationship.

Anyway, TL;DR: when you’re depressed and if you don’t have much experience in relationships, you may not really be able to tell if you’re still in love with someone or not. Sometimes - but definitely not all the time! - it can be best to wait it out, give it 1-3 months, give it until you’ve been to therapy/tried new antidepressants, etc - to make the decision so you can be sure it’s just not Sad Brain talking. 

If you have decided that breaking up is the best option, and you want to do it and keep your friendship group, there are a few things you’re going to need to lump. 

You will see her a lot. She may cry, she may be angry with you (whether or not she shows it, you will know it). You will need to manage your reaction to seeing this (ie, your pain/guilt) in yourself. 

You will need to find a friend separate to your joint group of friends to confide in. It’s not fair to be giving your friends all this information about you and how you feel because it will affect their friendship with her. Your ex will need to agree to do the same. 

Your friends will ask you questions about the break up privately and you will, for the sake of both your friendships with them, need to politely explain that it’s between you and your ex. Your ex will need to agree to do the same. 

It is very, very hard to be around someone you’ve broken up with so you’re going to need to put on a very brave face and not let your friends see this. If they do, they will try and ease your (or her) pain and their own discomfort by not inviting you both to be in the same place. This leads to someone being ostracized. 

If things break down between you and your ex, people will probably take sides. You may lose out (especially as you’re the person choosing to end the relationship). Accept that now, so if/when it happens, it’s not a shock. 

Start reinforcing new friendships with different people in the event that your current friendship group breaksdown or moves on without you. Even if they don’t - it’s great having more friends!

If a friend comes to you with something like “I agree with you”/”I’m on your side”, you need to stop them, and say, “there’s no side to be on. we’re both sad this relationship didn’t work but have agreed to stay friends”. 

In terms of how to do this: 

Make a time with your partner to break up with her face-to-face. Flag that it’s going to be a very tough discussion so she has some idea what’s going to happen. 

Tell her everything you told me: you care about her, you love her but you’re not in love with her, and that it’s not going to work. Say that you’d like to ease the difficult with your joint friends by agreeing to both keep them. Promise you won’t make things difficult for her by confiding in your joint friends. 

If she agrees to do this, negotiate together how this will work, what you both will do if friends try to take sides even though you don’t want them to (note: you may need to organise the logistics of this this a couple of days later than breaking up with her because she may not be able to manage this straight away!), and how you will both prevent either person from being ejected from the group. 

The message you need to get across to her is that you love her but can’t be in a relationship with her, you want to be friends with her, and you want the friendship group to be protected from your break-up.

She may not agree to anything and it may all fall to shit. There’s nothing much you can do about this except reassure yourself you tried, cry a lot, and then start to reinforce and spend energy on your friendships with other people. 

If she does agree, the next thing you need to do is sit down with all your friends, and, together, explain that you’re breaking up but that you will go back to being friends. This should also include saying things like, “please don’t take sides”, “please understand we don’t want to spill dirt on each other”, and “please let’s just do things like we use to - if it’s awkward at first, we will manage it and it will get easier”. 

Good luck. This is a really tough time for you: I hope I’ve given you some things to think about

[mysmedrabbles]

Fourth of July with the RFA

Happy fourth of July to my American followers!! Sorry this was written so quick I got this idea like 5 seconds ago and I have plans for today whoops not the best time.idk why jumins is always the longest tf?

!!!Said RFA member and mc are in America for summer holidays with an American MC!!!

Enjoy!~

-mod alex

______________________________________________

Jumin

-when you told him you were planning a party for the fourth he got excited

-mainly bc he knows how classy most of your parties turn out

-when he shows up to a barbecue grill out with tiki torches, too much beer, something called a “sloppy joe” and 99 cent store American flag streamers he’s more than confused and slightly appalled

-also because hes literally wearing his best suit to a backyard bash

-finds a way to look more casual (you know, taking off the jacket, rolling up his sleeves, no tie, shirt slightly unbuttoned, aaaand now im nosebleeding)

-at first doesnt understand why the heCK there are sloppy joes its a mystery to us all

- is his normal charming self with your relatives you better watch out, that pervy cousin is making eyes at jumin

-makes a speech about american independence bc hes an extra lil shit and ends it with, “so therefore, if the british had never given america independence...i wouldve never met the love of my life. Happy fourth of july.”

-everyones drunk tho so no one really heard that but you and the one overemotional 4′5 aunt who cries at everything

-sitting on the grass and watching the fireworks show

-him putting his jacket around you when you get cold, you just leaning your head on his shoulder as he kisses the top of your head

-he doesnt understand sloppy joes but likes spending time with your family

Jaehee

-vaguely knows what its about

-buys you red white and blue flowers

-you guys go with your family to a local festival

-going on a merry go round together? you betcha

-going on a ferris wheel? ofc. kissing her every time the ferris wheel booth you guys are in goes up bc shes mildly scared of heights? y e s

-you guys eat some of the weirdest things, like fried butter? bacon and maple donuts? sloppy joes? fried cotton candy?

-playing the expensive festival games that are obviously rigged

-little did they know that baehee had prepared for this moment by practicing devil tricks with multiple youtube videos lmao

-she wins you a small stuffed panda and you cherish it forever

-walking around with her, hand in hand around the festival

-getting red white and blue streaks painted on your guys’ face

-kissing under the fireworks

Yoosung

-is so excited for this holiday

-i mean he loves all holidays but hes never experienced the horror fun of an American holiday

-you guys buy some wacky red white and blue sunglasses with “Fourth of July” written on top as well as those obnoxiously tall fluffy America flag hats (yall know what im going on about)

-”look honey! a fourth of july sale!” “yoosung, love, its the fourth Walmart we've passed they all have sales”

-trying various themed recipes together (granted since youre here for holiday and are at your parents, your younger sibling often intervenes)

-"moooooommm mc and her boyfriend are kissing in the kitchen againnnnn"

-him back-hugging you as you stir fry some shit idk cooking lingo all I eat is doritos and ramen

-kissing your shoulder as you finish making the decor on the America themed cake

-him getting along great with your family and fitting right in

-it seems so natural, how easily he smiles and cracks jokes with your parents

-wants to help with the barbeque but thats your thing to do and you will stand by that

-him buying you roses

-both of you guys playing tag with your younger siblings and cousins you guys lost

-when the fireworks start he probably yells out a scream from shock

-flinches every time one of them goes off so you guys go inside and move the couch so that youre still facing outside but the door is shut so no noise

-making out when it gets dark

-he tastes like cake and strawberries

-with the fireworks in the back y'all look like youre in a disney movie

Seven

-stay in watching documentaries on the revolutionary war

-you guys just mute it at one point and he starts doing silly voice overs for the show

- “I’m mad at some dudes so I’ll lift up my hat at you while I row away with these big guns and all your husbands and sons hrrrrrr”

-eating red white and blue candy and drinking an inhumane amount of Dr.Pepper

-you drag him outside to the park to watch fireworks that the neighbors are throwing

- “look theres one!!” “ah did you see that one??” “that one was so pretty!” “damn you just missed a really big one”

-you guys would hang out in the park until three am just enjoying each others company

-yall would probably go on the kids playground and goof off, playing on the swings, going down the like,,, three foot long slide, just being little kids

-any holiday is the best holiday with him

Zen

-he sings the star spangled banner 😂

-he's got an amazing voice but youre p aure hes holding the last note just to show off

-you guys buy matching tshirts that say "sloppy joes come and get some this is AmErICa" with a picture of childish gambino dabbing bet you wished it said smtn abt sloppy joes now huh

-going down to the beach for the day

-getting one of those giant donut rafts and just chillin together y'all better hope you aint on the west coast w one of those

-a tickle war breaks out, resulting in you falling off the raft

-zen dramatically "saving you" its like 6ft of water people cmon

-him giving you mouth to mouth cpr even tho you dont need it so basically y'all are just making out

-going to a local restaurant for sloppy joes burgers and fries

-new drinking game: every time I say sloppy joes , take a drink

-going on the boardwalk at sunset and watching the fireworks from the cruise ships

-he cant stop staring at how gorgeous you look, staring at the fireworks like theyre magic

-cant help himself from kissing you

-late night pretzels

[yvvaine]

I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT.  That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love.  The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean  deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend  the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still)  As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible).  Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy.  I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either.  There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point.  So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so  Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW