#idk I know it's like not a big thing but it made me a little happy despite being in pain
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I read the ignihyde update, and idk if it was just my mood that day or your writing this chapter but i tell ya i breezed right through it. it flowed so nicely i was like "bruh, i dont even like the hercules movie that much but now im interested in watching it again"
the way you wrote idia was also interesting and it made me remember that although he's a sad sack, he is also quite normal and snarky. like, the dude refers to himself as a nerdy freak but really he's just a nerd and not really a freak, and i think you really captured and portrayed that idea very well.
also it wasnt until i reached the end and i was really absorbing everything i read and then i thought about ortho being "pain" in the pain and panic duo and i realized "oh THAT'S why he's so violent and like relishes in torturing others and is so graphic" that was a GENIUS move. like, ortho IS violent in-game, and really casual about his lasers and like exacting revenge on students who wrong him (can't remember if that was dorm uniform vignette or not), so of course the role of Pain really fit him seemlessly.
it was a fine addition to the damnation series. good luck with diasomnia!
Hold on. What do you mean you don't like Hercules? It is legit one of the best movies of the Disney Renaissance age. The only movie that tops it, hands down, without any debate, is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I need to calm down.
Yes, Idia. Okay, so I noticed a few comments on my last post in regards to the topic of Idia. When I said, "Hot take, y'all. I'm about to say it. I'm tired of nervous stuttering Idia." I meant that others tend to write him like that, and it really gets boring because it happens so much! I mean, I was never a big fan of it in the first place, but yeah, just clarifying what I meant. Spice it up a bit, you know what I mean? He's much more than just an anxious mess.
As for Ortho, I'm so glad people are appreciating how I wrote him, because that little dude is most definitely not normal. Sort of related to my complaint of how people write Idia, most people write Ortho as just this cheery little guy and they blatantly ignore how terrifying he really is. I mean, we've seen mention of it and even moments throughout several events and parts of the story. Really, making him one of the imps just made sense. Add to the fact that the imps do some really horrible things in the movie and such, and how Ortho is not above wrecking havoc in order to achieve his goals, it just fit together so perfectly.
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KIRANDER / WOLF NARI THINGS FACTS STORY IDK
He's an albino gray wolf, he acts a lot more like a dog... Maybe millennia in the void tamed him or maybe is just his people pleaser nature. (Despite that he can be authoritarian I think)
Kiran is very old, the oldest of bishops, the first of them to find a crown.
He's not a big fan of fighting but is very good at it, he taught his siblings some techniques!
The relationship with the other bishops isn't really good, he loves them but they don't like him much because he's "too affectioned" and overall strange. They don't understand his vision of the world and I mean fair.
His morals are mostly pessimistic he believes in the concept of destroy and rebuild, his "excuse" is that he doesn't want to see people suffer so he comes to the conclusion that dying is better than living and that the world would be better without gods.
He's very impatient but doesn't show it... And he doesn't allow more than one (1) second chances, all his previous vessels were definitely killed by him after their first death againsts the bishops
He would come up with some bullshit like "I'm sorry, I won't prolong your pain any longer, I clearly was wrong you're not fit for this... Now rest" or "you tried but it wasn't enough" a bit evil... And not very productive from him since he can't free himself alone... Ironic because he's impatient lol his morals are very strong
So yeah basically goat killed all bishops without dying even once... That was hell
(Goat playing hardcore lmao)
Cal and Deb (kiran's Baal and aym) weren't given by the bishops but by they're mom did a ritual to gift them to their father (yes I'm gonna make Kiran x forneus (name need a change) canon here and make him the bio dad of the pups , how were they born? Idk immaculate conception probably), they are demigods, kiran loves them very much and they keept him "sane"
Also forneus is his most Loyal follower 🔥🔥🔥🥴
After goat kills all bishops Kiran uses his freedom to... Take care of the pups...
They knew this was going to happen and let him do it (like... Brainwashed behavior)
If the world was to be freed from gods then demigods shouldn't be here either, so he killed them. Fast and painless.
Ok ok relationship with goat :
Is always ups and downs but mostly it starts as just you help me and I help you kind of deal... After the first bishop down Kiran kinda start to catch feelings... Nobody went so far yet this goat was the one, goat never died again so they saw each other's only after the first chain got destroyed and Kiran was able to use a bit of his power to bring them to him as the pleased, they use those summonings to talk e know each other's better lol.
So after bishop one was down they were in a friendly mood? Relationship??? Positive?
After the second bishop goat started to be a bit confused about their big friend's plan... The bishop told them some stuff but they decided not to believe him still doubt started forming in their heart even if Kiran was always so affectionate
I think the crush start here
After bishop 3 was down the seed of doubt finally sprout and Kiran noticed that goat started to be more distant from him... After one day goat asked him "after you're free, What will you do to me? " and Kiran simply responded with "I'll free you too, from you're regrets and from all the pain, I'll free your soul and we will be together in peace" that didn't reassure goat one bit but they let it slide because they wanted to believe their god
At this point their relationship was a bit confused but I think there was love in there under all the doubts
After the fourth bishop was killed goat was scared, terrified even.
They finally knew what the real plan was, the last bishop told them, He told them everything and how that wolf would take their second life just for a crazy ideology. They won't let that happen, they are stronger than him anyway... This whole deal made them go a little mad and on a full rampage, it didn't help finally knowing that the stermination of their kin was basically kiran's fault, yes the bishops started it but it was all to stop the crazy plans of the wolf, a "little" price to pay to save everything else.
When they arrived to purgatory they noticed the pups were gone, not surprising considering everything they learned that day about their beloved wolf.
Their fight wasn't long, Kiran asked goat to just listen to him but they were not willing at all.
it all ends when they finally manage to pin him on the ground.
The relationship right now is divorce 😭😭
So Kiran dies, a very painful and slow death. Goat claims his place and they become the new God fo death.
That didn't satisfy them toh, now there was emptiness in their heart. They loved that wolf! They felt safe with him, he always attended their words wounds and now just like that he was gone. They killed him.
Goat would stop thinking about it for some years and would keep attending on their cult (in a very bad way) until one night they decided to bring the wolf back and make him pay and his actions again, like yes out of spite and to fill the emptiness.
Now can start the toxic yaoi
Bringing Kiran back will start this circle of love and hate, a desperate attempt from goat to fix the problems in their head??
Bro needs therapy (lamb is their therapist and will help them)
Every time Kiran would die goat would bring him back, bro doesn't deserve peace🔥🔥
Ok but with time goat calms down, realize that this is useless, Kiran realize that his actions were actually the problem, that he missed his siblings and his pups so much.
Sorry chat he changed a bit I think 😔
#gods do be gods...#anyway idk you can see I'm no writer like 🚶 yeah#never liked to express my ideas with words I'm more “I'll show you with a doodle” kind of person#cotl#the goat#wolf narinder#kirander#pupigoat#goatverse au#lol that name is so stupid 🔥🥴#i am NOT giving this a third reading#no beta we die like kiran#btw order of the bishops: 1 shamura 2 kalamar 3 heket 4 leshy#they all have different names but is easier like this noe#*now... god#anyway hm... yes hmmm#*scratches head*#oh.... oh chat oooh..... I'm so bad at posting
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dust and horror angel and demon themes,,,, they could totally parallel each other...... :3
dust=angel of death described in the delta rune prophecy (self declared) (i DEFINITELY elaborated on this one waayyyy before but anyways dust with a fucked up savior complex SAVE ME SAVE ME.... death is a blessing ass guy. life is torment and he will be the one to liberate monsters from their bodies and with the strength they provide to him be able to take down evil evil creation of pure misery that is the human ✨✨✨ dont worry his evil cackles are to HIDE HIS PAIN of saving everyone....... trust)
horror=demon that dragged everyone in horrortale into hell (as perceived by everyone else) (i think it would be a cool hc if everyone outside of snowdin viewed horror as literally a demon. maybe undyne preaches that. anyone outside of snowdin might be WAYYY worse because they starve for longer and literally take part in cannibalism so they might not have the same sort of mild sanity that snowdin residents do,,,, besides he DID kinda bring them all eternal suffering. kinda. nobody but undyne knows what happened at the core so she could totally just paint the story to blame horror fully)
ANYWAYS i like the possible dynamics this could have :333
dust to horror (please let me kill you PLEASE let me kill you i can end it all so peacefully wouldn't it be nice??? i promise ill make it quick just for you),,, horror to dust (i want you to live and suffer with what youve done i want you to watch all of your choices hit you one day and i'll be there and laugh at you. i'll keep you alive just to keep you suffering ok?)
OR dust to horror (you dont deserve to die you dont deserve to even be hurt by me. not because youre the exception but youre the Exception i absolutely loathe you so youll never get the sweet release of death :3) and horror to dust (just let me die already i dont wanna be here. youre supposed to be a savior right??? an angel?? then why don't you save me already when i need it more than anyone else)
#SHITS THIS OUT BECAUSE I NEED TO GET RID OF IT. my evil doppelganger will adore this post i've already shown them#this is definitely a bit of an exaggeration of their characters in my eyes but i love it :333#i dont think that dust is THIS deluded in my eyes and i dont think horror is this cynical. even tho theyre both still these traits#i came up with this idea while writing my mtt meets eachother fic :3#you can probably totally guess where i made the connection. thank you horrortale undyne for this one single thing#anyways i dont know how to shove killer into this LMAO. i was thinking like.... angel and demon on your shoulder to swap choices#but but triglycercule doesnt killer already have that with his stages??? well YES but both can be true at the same time :333#idk i dont have enough brain juices for this rn. so you get this half assed explanation 😭😭‼️‼️‼️#dust: we should kill this person. totally because they need to be freed and not because they piss me off#horror: no we should keep them alive but torment them so they never get the sweet release of death and suffer#and thanks to killer THEY CAN DO BOTH!!! YAAAAY!!!!! the powers of determination are awesome man (smug tiktok emoji)#dust is sounding awfully similar to a certain killer au of mine i made..... swapinverse rearing its ugly head once again smh#idk if this is more of a symbolic thing or LITERALLY angel dust and demon horror#because i like both ideas........ imagine an actual angel dust and demon horror going around with killer doing the little dialogue i said#what would killer be in this??? he's not a mortal or a human as would be per usual when describing whats between an angel or demon#killer as a god lmao..... noooo noooooo..... maybe just something akin to one. i meaaan technically-#someone who's more into religious theming would probably eat this idea but i cant be bothered uaghhhh#if i say anything about killer i will get shot. but i can tank a couple bullets. killer does have the ability to let both dust and horror#fufill their own ideologies. and also i am a big fat SUCKER for killer keeping horror and dust 'in line' IDC if its a bad sanses concept#i love it and therefore it's now mine to use in an only mtt context. otherworldly beings trio ‼️‼️ aghhhhh#i have like 89 drafts if the drafts reach 100 by the end of the year i think i'd DIE. so this is getting posted idc#you wont see me using literal angel and demon dust and horror. but if you look in my mind you'll see the themes regularly in what i talk ab#anyways back to writing this stupid fic i go. dust is currently battling several inner demons rn. good luck loser :3#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv#tricule hc
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i watched my first piece of transformers media earlier and my friends sent me a bunch of cute little robot dudes after so i'm kinda sold :3 this is my new little lad fairwind, who's alt modes are a nissan fairlady 280zx, and a kai t-50 (probably the second is the main one...) i'm still not really sure about the autobots vs decepticons thing, so atm i'm leaving him neutral until i know a bit more of the lore
#transformers#transformers oc#tf fanart#transformers fanart#idk these tags are slop#tf fairwind#im trying new things#and considering how mechanicus pilled ive been lately#maybe the big robots make sense#anyways he uses the wheels on his feet to skate around like hes wearing heelys#the two colour eyes make me kinda nervous bc i dont rlly know the lore and stuff#but my friend suggested it since i was referencing the black eagle's new(ish) show livery#and they have the korean flag on them so it made a little sense#anyways i ramble endlessly i hope people like him bc i like him already hes so silly#img#txt#art#my art#oc tag#foolsdraws
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wough weird sad feelings about my dad who could have expected that
#camera talks#SIBLING IGNORE IM NORMAL AND FINE <3#anyways we know my relationship with my dad#but like for the past two days he’s been honestly friendly and feels like he want to talk and know me a little bit#he made breakfast this morning !!!! he doesn’t do that !!!#he was talking with a hiking buddy who is trans#and they gave him a big list of trans/queer books and my dad wanted to look at it with me#and I’m going on a trip and need a new bag and he wants to help me get like a special nice custom one#and he works at my school now and yesterday he asked for me and asked me sorta a silly question#and I just. idk I feel a little conflicted bc this is my dad and we know how he is#but also he does this sometimes he’s just like randomly happier and better and nicer#(it’s the disorder we share btw)#but anwyays idk yeah it’s weird and makes me feel like a bad kid for not imagining my future with my parents being very involved#anyways anyways. I feel a bit better now btw#sorry for the constant venting I probably should have just gone to bed last night and also like very time I feel like that#I’m gonna make it through this if it kills me. I have people I love so much and care about so much and I can’t and won’t forget that#there are things for me to live for
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I think I realized how severely humor infects all spaces when I witnessed two of my coworkers at the neuro clinic I’m interning at laughing at putting in a patient as deceased
#It wasn’t because the patient was dead it was because of an error the system did or something#But even joking about it in that context is fucking weird to me#I thought death would be the only thing humor couldn’t touch#Especially in the context of FTD which is a very aggressive dementia#I don’t think they’re bad people but I do think they’re weird as fuck for that#And if it were me I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I made that kind of joke#I don’t mean to be a buzzkill but I have my limits and wtf was that#I didn’t say anything I just pretended to be engrossed in my paperwork#The neurologist I’m shadowing wasn’t present#And while I do think she’s a little too robotic when dealing w patients I don’t think she’d have been in on that joke#Just odd idk the us healthcare system already has issues but I think a big one I’m starting to see is#How desensitized the healthcare workers get#Where’s your heart#I love medicine for the humanism of it I don’t wanna become like this one day#I know some people are gonna tell me it’s Just Two Coworkers Being Silly#But can’t they be silly about something else
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#maybe i am a little annoyed or. whatever over stuff i put some effort into getting right clicked and saved and cropped and posted on twitter#or pinterest or wherever#even tho its not really '''art'''' technically so ? am i allowed to feel like that? idk#it feels silly to get frustrated over.. screenshots and gifs and little mods i never even published#but things do take time to make and then seeing them posted by someone who talks about how much they like thembut not where they found them#or who put that effort into making them......... ahh#And. because i dont know how im supposed to feel im definitely not gonna roll up to people like 'hey i made this credit me now' because#i tell myself who cares its not that big of a deal. but then it is . but it isnt.#i have bigger problems but when its late and my brains getting empty i think too much about nothing#★
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okay weird q incoming but what ways do you think speedsters can get sick? Like to my understanding, they can’t really come down with normal virus’ like the flu, right? But they could get things like chronic migraines?
NANOBOTS!!! This is one of the best pieces of canon lore ever. I did a whole post on it but TLDR: normal human metabolisms have so much shit going on that they don't even notice nanobots in their body BUT speedsters have hyper accelerated metabolisms that are the equivalent of the straight A's overachiever in school on meth. So speedster metabolisms do notice nanobots and they attack full force, triggering all of the body's defenses and responses.
But the nanobots are metal so it obviously doesn't do anything. It just leaves the speedster lethargic, feverish, vomiting, dizzy, with a headache, sore muscles and a runny nose, ect. It's basically an allergic reaction.
Now, poisoning them can work depending on what the poison is/what the dosage is. You would need a 100% fatal poison and you would need a fairly high dose. Because speedsters heal fast and they have a hyper accelerated metabolism, so any poison that is based on toxicity (alcohol poisoning for example) would be out of their system faster than it could even take effect.
But poisons that can't be cleared out/processed by the body (take cyanide for example, it binds with the chemical receptors in your body making it physically impossible to use oxygen) wouldn't really be affected by their metabolism at all. So while the speedsters could heal the damaged tissues from these poisons fairly quickly (making it seem as though they were only slightly affected) they would ultimately need time to do so, time they would not have if it kills them first. This isn't technically what you are asking because there would be no substance that 'makes them sick', there would only be 'fine', 'not fine for like a minute and then fine again' and 'dead'. (... unless they were hooked up to a steady supply of the toxin)
Likewise, (this is getting more into theoretical territory, less canon) there might be some illnesses that would affect them? Not for long but if you got something super fucking fatal like Rabies, it might make them display mild cold symptoms for a day or something.
I don't know though. They have really fucking good immune systems. And even super fatal diseases can be fought. Take my example of Rabies, while it is commonly thought to be 100% fatal once symptoms show up there actually have been cases of people surviving it. Rabies is a very stealthy and fast disease, so the main problem with treating it is that your body's immune system isn't fast enough to stop it. People have survived by being placed in medically induced comas (slowing their bodily functions and thus the disease) for long enough that the medication can eradicate it. So for a speedster? That's gone in a minute tops. You would need an insane disease that I'm not sure even exists.
There's also like... pregnancy and menstruation. Growing pains, muscle pain from running is a BIG ONE, being dehydrated/starvation, blood loss, ect. Lots of ways to fuck with a speedster in a way they can't immediately fix.
There are also speedster specific ailments. It's basically 50/50 if a natural born speedster gets a weird highly fatal aging disease. Sometimes speedsters can be born without a kinetic energy shield which makes using their powers at all incredibly fatal to them. All speedsters will have connectivity issues at some point that can be fatal. Sometimes Time Gets Bad™ (shout out to when Barry kept chronically stealing time from people/things every time he used his powers). Sometimes they have too much energy and can't maintain human form (shout out to when Wally didn't know what the speedforce was and was accidentally cosplaying Ghost Rider). Velocity 9 is a highly addictive drug that works on speedsters and makes them display typical addiction behavior (and withdrawal). V9 can also cause a speedster to 'overdose' (burst into flames/lightning/energy). They all have the constant urge to yeet themselves into the speedforce. Ect.
#here's the thing: they are made of speedforce but its not a skin deep thing. you feel me? like their CELLS are made of speedforce#so all shit still affects them#i keep saying that they don't need oxygen or food to survive and thats true but its only if they're actively compensating with speedforce#cause they can get energy from the speedforce or they can get energy from oxygen and food or both. they can't do neither#and they don't really *know* or understand that theyd be fine with JUST speedforce energy. they still think they need oxygen and food#so if they were suffocating or something they might instinctively crank up the speedforce to compensate but they're also very stupid#so they might just die. idk it really depends on who it is how much they know and how much SF they're drawing on#cause like... energy beings need energy yo#i hope this makes sense#the muscle pain one is interesting cause Wallys early runs are really big on the whole hitting the wall thing#he would hit a wall that he physically couldn't break through and it caused him a lot of pain.#some of that was not being hooked up properly cause Wally wasn't hooked up properly until he was an ADULT#because he is FUCKING INSANE and he just went 'huh i guess this is my limit and i will stay below it' liKE AN INSANE PERSON#anyway some of it was SF issues and some of it was mental but he actually got really really hurt anytime he got close to the wall#REALLY bad muscle pain. and like... it was potentially extremely fatal. 'breaking down your body into little bits' fatal#he doesn't get that anymore because hes properly hooked up now but jfc that man treated 'entering the death zone' like it was#the high score to beat at his local arcade. he took it as a fucking challenge. absolutely insane dude right there
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It always makes me sad whenever stories with hopeful messages or lighthearted moments are sometimes dismissed as unintelligent or weaker than tragedies. Isn't joy and hope what makes a dark journey worthwhile? Not every story needs an unhappy ending to serve as a lesson.
I will forever be a fan of stories that say hey, maybe the world is a rough place, and it will always be this way, but you can make a difference with the people who matter to you. Even if no one else will know, even if no one else will remember, the ones you loved, and who loved you in return, will remember. People who are holding onto you, even at the end of everything else. People who remind you that new beginnings are born from the ashes.
My favorite stories will always end with love, hope, and the sun rising on the horizon after hell and high waters. The world can be so cruel, but we can choose not to be as individuals. Joy is as human as anger and sorrow. Joy is what we reach for when we are at our lowest, whether we realize it or not. We want what was lost back. I love stories where the characters reach the light at the end of the tunnel, emerge on the other side, and are allowed to heal. Even if they’ve done bad things, even if they aren’t perfect, isn’t that true of all of us?
#Parker says things#writing stuff#I’ve been going through some big changes this year and honestly every year up til this point#I’m tired. but I’m healing. I like writing about similar#I’m damaged. I’m flawed. I’m a little broken. but I can still be good#I can still seek light after everything that’s happened#this time last year I was writing out of desperation. putting something out there in case I didn’t make it#but I made it. I’m still here. even if I flubbed along the way#i spent a lot of time hating the person I was this time last year? now I just want to hug him#he’s gonna be okay. kinda funny the stuff I wrote to stay alive led me to someone who changed my life for the better#and I changed for the better too? special thanks to my clown frogs and my Kanonno squad#I don’t talk about stuff and idk if you guys are seeing this but just know you mean a lot to me#it’s late and I’m rambling but reading and writing about light in the darkness led me to my own light#so I’m going to keep at it#thank you especially to Nyx. don’t know where I’d be without you but I love you so much#tricksterlatte writes#this is sentimental but I don’t care#expanded version of a post from bird app
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hey. hope this message doesn't bother you. I love you. I love your work. you are one of my favorite fic authors, I am absolutely obsessed with everything you write. reread everything ten times over, drarry or not, fluffy or angsty - even when it absolutely shatters my heart (e.g. for lack of wanting, SUCH a great fic btw i'm so obsessed with it). the four doors? life changing. two to lie and one to listen? engraved into my brain for eternity. what's mine is yours? what a ride holy shit, im VERY normal about it. wrapped? my comfort read. and so it goes.
if I could aggressively smother you with kudos and love I WOULD!!!
awhile ago you said that there's no such thing as "big deals" in fandom and I 100% agree but at the same time you are a big deal TO ME!!! not in the sense of any kind of hierarchy but purely based on the fact that I think you are such a cool person and your writing is amazing and poignant and your presence in fandom makes it so much better. it's been a pleasure following you here on tumblr and just reading your tags and posts.
idk I just think you rule. that's it. thank you for hanging with us. MWAH 💛
ahhhh anon sorry for leaving this message sitting in my inbox for a couple of days but !! i have zero idea how to react to this!! you're so kind!! thank you!! please discard any and all inclinations u have that i am a cool person bc i can assure you i am NOT!!
#tumblr tag essay time? tumblr tag essay time#why can't i do this in the main body of a post u ask? pure obnoxiousness ig idk#scarier when it's not greyed out and in a little whisper innit#1) anon i love and appreciate you + your kind words so so much but i rly cannot stress enough that literally nobody here is a big deal 😭#like i know u don't mean it in That Way but even so!!!#this is a hill i could write another 1k words about before i die on it again but i will spare u 😅#2) ur also v v kind to say the thing abt my presence in fandom#but unfortunately i'm coming to terms with the fact that my presence in fandom is v much on the sidelines#a non-presence#i'm embracing my role as the crotchety old hag who does not attend the functions#i have a hut in the woods and u can find me there (here in tumblr tags) muttering to myself#occasionally i'll wander into the town square (ao3) and present an unnerving thing i made from mud and twigs (a fic) and then i'll fuck off#that's about all i can handle in terms of group settings i think 😅#but the door to my hut (my DMs) is always open if u want to stop by!#3) i can't even begin to acknowledge all the nice things u said about my fics kjhsdf you are truly too generous 😭#let me smother YOU with love!!! cmere!!!#4) this is the second nice anon message i've had in the last couple weeks which is !!!!#anon(s) i'm kissing you wherever u consent to be kissed!!!#but ofc now i'm paranoid ppl will think i'm sending these to myself skdljf#can't stress enough how open my DMs are on here/twt/discord if ever u wanna chat in a way that i don't have to post publicly to reply to 😅#5) i'm soooo sorry about these tags#could have just said “thanks!” couldn't i#please put me right in the bin#anyway sorry again thank you again ilu very much ❤️
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hmmm theres something about her....
#quick little character study..? is that what i should call this? idk i just wanna know how i could draw her#<- literally only thing i do tbh#big L to lilith games for not making all maulers full furries but whatever#anyways has anyone like made a transcript of journey yet?#or is there a way to go back to watch / read past cutscenes that i missed cause i just have all dialogue on auto for whatever reason#fan art#afk arena#afk journey#afk satrana#yeah im back to playing hi hello i am a casual do not ask to add me on anything
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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Talking to my sister can be one of the most aggravating experiences
#just allowing myself a few moments of self-pity today#because i'm a little overstimulated/sick of people talking AT me#i have begun to notice that i'm never asked anything... not a single thing. no questions about my life or interests or how school is going#no questions about my partner or our anniversary and no acknowledgement of the big haircut i just got#no questions about my BIL's wedding. none about my health.#every day it's just people talking AT me. kind of tired at the moment...#and this is made worse by my sister's holier-than-thou attitude about literally the smallest and most insignificant things#like washing clothes? and cooking rice?? idk she talks like a housewife now.#and i get to listen to her complain about her 35 year old boyfriend and not say ONE kind thing for 2 hours straight#not a single question for me. not a single nice thing. and i'm talked over constantly#it's not like i don't raise my voice or speak my mind lol#it's just that. between my family and my partner's family. it feels like no one knows just how smart i am and how much fun i can be.#my partner is perfect in so many ways. my best friend and the kindest and most compassionate person i know.#but i really could brag and boast like my sister does over absolutely nothing. because i have actual achievements. but i don't#because who does that lol. fucking annoying and rude people.#maybe my family just thinks i'm okay and so they never ask me anything or call me. ever.#but see.... i don't talk to them because i want advice or help or money. i talk to them because they're my family#and i would very much like to feel cherished and loved by them#/ end angst and self-pity boo hoo
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#random rambles#Technically I'm done with this month's header since yesterday.#Practically I've been feeling so insecure about it I've been procrastinating looking for an icon or uploading it at all#Like it *was* natural to have a downgrade in themes I've said it myself a lot of times. After 24+ themes it's understandable I'd run out–#of inspiration (or even simply material) for the very cool stuff#That said. I did very much spend the whole entire day from when I woke up to when I (started studying at past 2am) went to sleep on it#That's what I get for working with the anime tbh. Bones artstyle is ugly there's little to be done about it#While making it I also came up with other two themes concepts.#One is probably going to replace September's plan and the other idk will probably slid to the next year#Idk looking at this year's planned themes lineup it all feels full of things I'm not skilled enough to make...#On top of everything this February's theme wasn't even what I had initially planned!! The one I had initially planned was a chapter 33 pane#Idk why I didn't follow up with it. Maybe I've just grown to think manga panels are too simple (terrible choice) (rip)#I think the thing that bugs me with both the initially picked image and the anime header I made yesterday–#is that there's no smooth transition with the blog. And I know it's not a big deal but pretty much all my themes do and it's bothering me..#And it shouldn't. Like nearly everyone uses an header that is sharply separate from the blog and they make it work#Uhm..............#Idk I should be studying besides.#I think I'll either go looking for an icon and see how the overall theme looks on the blog. Maybe I'll like it better then.#Or I'll just start over and see if I can use the ch 33 panel I had in mind and see if I'll like THAT better#It'd just be a shame if after all the time I've spent on it yesterday I'd just let it lie unused on my computer#There's also the fact that black and white of the manga doesn't feel very February-esque... (Don't ask)#Ugh. I hate looking for icons it's always the worst part 😭😭😭#I was considering the last Beast Atsushi illustration (because ofc I was) but idk. Idk if I can make it work.#And part of me is also like “don't use beautiful Hoshikawa Beast Atsushi on an ugly theme” LOL#But I also suffer heavily from the lack of Beast in this year's lineup.#Okay rant over. Shutting up now#Edit: If this month's theme is ugly please be kind#Edit 2: Jk I've found like four icons. Maybe I'm just very dramatic
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Thought about Starleon for too long LET ME OUT
#stars genuine interest in and respect for the black arms and their culture and such things#EVEN DOLEON HIMSELF who he clearly despises having around. it kind of just. shocks and confuses him. a little. what does he want out of him#he doesnt want anythinggggg........just to know how you function and think and live and exist thats all#lmao no youll have to BEG for answers (doleon just really likes attention.)#(starlines interest in everything about him and his past and such things is soooo fun) hes not saying anythingggg~#and GOOD. star would love to figure that out for himself. to starline doleon being DOLEON is something to be decoded.#hes just one big enigma. every little part of him#doleon doesnt exactly understand how star functions either. not being able to comprehend his actions his behaviors or the ways he goes abou#star always being vague. not knowing drives doleon CRAZY and he knows that 😭 doleon is well aware this guy has that power over him >:(#SINCE WHEN DID SOMEONE HAVE POWER OVER *HIM??* he hates this guy so much dear supreme...still interesting how he managed to do that tho....#THE POINT IS. they both fascinate one another in different ways. in the strangest of ways. theyre similar and different at the same time#idk why thats just soo good to me (i made them tf up)#THEY MAKE ME INSANE FOR NO GOOD REASON#theyre so extra (/pos)#starleon
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more photo diary posts.. various life images...
#photo context/information described here in the tags since there are no longer photo captions#(from top left to right) Image 1: BIG matcha bubble tea milkshake thing I made lazily by just getting a thing of matcha#ice cream and blending it up then adding some of those bobas you make at home lol.. served in the weird giant wine glass looking thing I h#have. image 2: the moon and two stars (or planets)!! not a very good photo/barely visible but I'm suprised I was able to get anyting#at all.#image 3: one of my WiiFit game scores ghh. A PERFECT score in this game like the minimum you could possibly get though is 15 seconds so#16.9s is VERY close.. ! image 4: some of the eyes I've carved so far out of avocado pits! one of them I even embedded a gem into for#the pupil type part of the eye. I think this is my favorite thing to make so far in my experiments with avocado. I was thinking of making a#whole necklace of eyes or something.#image 5: NASTURTIUMS... MY children.. favorite flowere...#image 6&7 : some little flowers I found in someone's yard. I Just Think They're Neat#image 8: I don't even remember why I took a picture of this it's just at tiny turkey and cheese pinwheel type rolled sandwich thing#maybe because the plate is tiny?? not very notable but. I added it to the photoset when i drafted this a week ago so . keeping it#image 9: a smoothie thing of coconut ice cream and fresh strawberries with some boba#image 10: various sketches from my desk where I jsut draw absentmindedlty on the keyboard tray all the time#if I am allowed to have a white surface near me i WILL draw on it lol#photo diary#eyes tw#eye contact#idk what to tag the eyes as or if it counts since theyre not real it's just painted wood basically? let me know if it should be something#different or another tag
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