#identity. or like...... or SYSTEM HOPPING?????? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

[the-fictive-haven]

So. A little PSA because we keep seeing this shit.

Headmates are not fucking property.

They are not your silly little adoptable OCs. They are individual beings and deserve to be treated with respect.

You cannot just give away headmates like they're a possession you don't want. You cannot sell headmates. You cannot make headmates for other systems. No matter WHAT the intentions are, you do. Not. Treat headmates like objects. Genuinely what the fuck.

(this post does not apply to assisting other plurals' headmates in finding and exploring their identities, assisting another in creating a headmate of their own, or consensual system hopping. That's a different matter.)

We will block anyone we see doing this.

[firedragon1321]

Note- This post is edited. Reason is at the end. Please reblog the edited version as the original is unintentionally albiest.

I joke and laugh about Leon Pokemon being a dummy idiot (affectionate). He can't even find his way to the largest building in a city without assistance. But. Like. I started thinking about all the ways Chairman Rose took advantage of that over the years. Telling Leon what to say. How to act. Who to be. To say nothing of the sponsors on his cape. How much power do they have over Leon's persona? Where does he end and they begin?

And THEN I thought about how the League works in Galar. It's just...a much bigger thing than elsewhere in the Pokemon world. Simple gym battles take place in massive stadiums. How many of these battles occur per week, let alone per day? They are part of every person's life, even if they are just a spectator. And the sponsors/League controls the entire circus. Rose's intentions weren't fantastic. You expect me to trust the nameless corporations?

Also, how many Pokemon were scooped out of the Wild Area to train for glory, for a sponsor, for money, for power? How many were thrown away, unable to measure up to the standards of an extraordinarily complicated and demanding League? How many Trainers only care about being as strong as Leon, not caring about the well-being of their Pokemon?

We saw Hop do this. Admittedly, he is not malicious and Bede was crawling under his skin. But there are malicious Trainers out there. If not for the fact you need a sponsorship to participate in the League- this bottlenecking how many Trainers can participate- Galar's ecosystem would be in fucking shambles.

And speaking of Bede, his entire identity revolved around victory and power thanks to- surprise surprise- Chairman Rose. Only when he met Opal did he finally reach his potential...and even that involved shifting from Psychic types to Fairy types. Meaning his Duosion and Gothorita had to be either released or retired.

And I didn't forget about Piers the Rat Man and Spikemuth. Rose told Piers to move to a far away location with a Power Spot to enable flashy Dynamax battles. Piers told him to fuck off. Thus his gym is in backwater nowhere where few Trainers dare to dread and the whole town has been swallowed by crime and poverty. Did I mention Piers blames himself for Spikemuth's current state? Meanwhile, this is- once again- Rose and the League/sponsors having more power than anyone has the right to possess.

Combining these factors, you get a society in which the Trainer and Pokemon- provided they are strong enough- are a product. A commodity. Something to wow audiences and nothing more. Trainers like Hop are left in the shadows of the greats. But the greats are decaying giants, dangling from slowly snapping puppet strings.

This system doesn't go away because Rose is gone. In fact, Leon takes over as League Chairman. But how much of the new leadership is really Leon? Outside of battle, the man has his struggles. I can see the Battle Tower and Galarian Star Tournament being his ideas. But there's more to running the League than that. How many people- including his sponsors- are vying for power in the background?

If I didn't sell you on Galar being a dystopian nightmare yet, there is so much pollution the local Corsola are effectively zombies. Much of it probably comes from the stadiums- powering the screens, keeping the lights on at night, possibly energy from Dynamaxing. Electric-type Pokemon could debatably cut down on the pollution but like- how many Pikachu do you need?

It's a shame there was so much sleeping on SwSh because there's so much insidiously good shit bubbling just under the surface. I think if it was canonically explored people would like Gen 8 more (even if it ended with a reinforcement of status quo like Gen 5). But GameFreak had been afraid to make digs at its own formula since Black and White. The League does exist in other regions, albeit it's not as secretly dark as this. Addressing the Galar League could put a foot in the door to question the entire series.

EDIT- It has been brought to my attention that Leon is smarter than he looks, refusing to cooperate with the Darkest Day plot. More importantly to this edit, he may also be interpreted as disabled, making parts of this post unintentionally come off as albiest. As an autistic person, I apologize for this. However- as it's been reblogged a few times and Leon having a disability is not proved by canon- I chose to leave the text as-is- save for eliminating one joke that went too far- and attached a tw for albiesm. I am deeply sorry.

[df-templates]

More so a vent post:

Something I ABSOLUTELY HATE when singlets come to us is when they mostly ask about "IS SYSTEM TRANSFER/HOPPING REAL?" I'm sorry but MF USE YOUR HEAD! I'm sorry if I'm being aggressive but THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THAT. mf do we look like computers? Do we look like plug n play virtual pets? MMMHMHMHMM no it's not that's absolute BULLSHIT. Ah yes Plug in that usb port into my brain and put it in the other systems brain yeah yeah yeah so real.

Then they're like "OHHHHH.... I think I was lied to." No fucking shit you were you're speaking to an endo, it's physically impossible to do that, it doesn't make sense. It's not like your alters live in a multiverse. We are identities, fragments that split off or formed due to trauma. endos need to shut the fuck up an accept the fact that they're not SEVERELY traumatized, they're not a system, they're delusional or just a plain ass attention seeker, that this ISN'T FUN, who are HARMING people who actually HAVE this god awful disorder, and spreading false information such as piece of shit shows like Split. Stop saying "system hopping!!" Stop treating our disorder like we're a fucking virtual pet computer. DID/OSDD is a TRAUMA response a way of the brian to FUCKING SURVIVE! There is so so SO much into this disorder that makes you want to fucking off yourself. "Oh I dissociate so I must have it" THERE ARE SO MANY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS. DID IS JUST ONE OF THEM AND TO THE EXTREME! DO YOUR RESEARCH, TALK TO ACTUAL SYSTEMS, DON'T FAKE A DISABILITY FOR ATTENTION, IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE DID/OSDD GO. GET. PROFESSIONAL. HELP. GO GET HELP. GO GET DIAGNOSED, GO. JUST GO! This isn't fun, this isn't quirky, stop treating DID/OSDD as some grand thing because it's hell, it affects your everyday function in life. Stop spreading misinformation around. Endos are NOT real. Stop Saying bullshit that's not true, stop saying BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. System hopping, like fuck off. Honestly. And I fucking heard this shit too "you're not a system you don't have fictive you have only 2 alters" OH-OH. OKAY. MAYBE YOU'RE THE ENDO HERE. DID/OSDD IS HAVING 1 EXTRA OR MORE ALTERS AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE FICTIVE IF YOU ARE ADHD/AUTISTIC FICTIVES ARE MORE LIKELY TO SPLIT OFF DUE TO DEEP CONNECTION. If you believe that you have to have fictives and 50+ alters to be system you just gave yourself away that you're an endo. That system we know has 2 other alters that went DORMANT that were brain made not a fictive split. They are still a system. I'm- honestly, what the fuck is wrong with these people??? Honestly??? I honestly fucking can't. ~ ⚠︎

[bonefall]

I think I bingeread like... most of ur Real long posts about ur better bones au. is good. I'm just sitting here thinking about what if Fallenleaf got a Chance to speak to Hollyleaf. If only to say "girl WHAT are you doing. btw in 100 years u become nonbinary. it's baller."

I can't remember if fallenleaf. is nonbinary? Maybe my heart made that up entirely bc I like the idea of her losing her name and gender. like fallenleaf hops out the cave and has no sense of identity aside from 99 years of Grief and is like right right right there's a binary gender system. which one am I. fuck fuck fuck fuck which ONE WAS I. what was the gender. even called. uhhhh

I MEAN you kinda can't be in isolation for 100 years, forget your name, but perfectly remember what gender is. Like, the girl forgets what it's like to walk in a warm body that has weight and affects the leaves and soil under her paws, and she just remembers what ThunderClan expects of a molly-gender?

In fact like... she's much more passive now, probably likes walks a lot more than she used to. She's a bit more Tom-ly these days in any case.

I'm not sure if I'd call her NB rep but she certainly has a stranger, more distant to the society and culture she returned to, which includes their gender roles.

[joodles98]

do u ever think about raileon as being two sides of the same coin? the dragon guarding a castle and the king who loves his subjects yet is trapped in a tower. childhood friends (perchance) turned into friendly rivals and eventually lovers.

do you think they idolized red and blue as kids or teens (depending on how old you think they are bc in my mind reguri are slightly older, maybe like late 20s while raileon are early 20s) and they dont talk about it but you can clearly see the parallels of battle prodigy child who goes on to be champion and rival who ends up becoming the 8th gym leader who prefers double battles plus a researcher (and both r super gay)

yes to all of that a million times ❗️these characters are so intertwined to me.

i have all kinds of scattered thoughts

i think leon would have invited rednblue to galar to get their input/expertise in creating his battle tower (since they have the experience in setting up the battle tree 😋)

blue would love how cutthroat the galar league is/the gym leadership system, also really enjoy the commercial appeal of it/spectacle of the stadiums. red doesnt really care for any of that but he fucking loves gigantamaxing his charizard. he feels his cool meter thru the roof. when he sees gigantamax pikachu for the first time his heart explodes

there is something to say about red and leon confronting its hard(scary) to go back home. but its nice to have someone on your side to remind you of who you are and who you can be.

red especially, who "threw away" the obligations of being champ because the core of his journey was to test the limits of his strength, learn and grow, and battle for the sake of it because its what he loves to do. period. (and ending up becoming a hero just because he saw abuses of power and knew he could stop it, since no one else was.) leon realizes that living and battling really could be simple and fundamental once he's free of the excess of championing lol, and the only real pressure and maintenance of reputation comes from a personal definition within. that's it.

red as a character, to me at least, symbolizes we get to choose what we let go of, what we carry on, and what's new that we'll venture into. nobody's judgement, no matter how big or loud it seems, can "make" us do anything, that is, if we have the courage to decide what defines us and act accordingly

basically. i think red is a character who is the epitome of authenticity (the responsibility we have to our own life and dreams.) he is just doing his thing forever fuck the haters. mad respect. everybody can learn from him

on the other hand, i think leon symbolizes possibility. the way identity is a constant process. like the many lives we have the fortune to live in our one life, if we have the courage and resilience to begin again. (resilience and not stubborn kind that makes you blind to opportunity. im talking like a strong acceptance of reality, unwavering belief that life is meaningful. i think that's what leon's growth arc is about 🤧)

blue and leon could become drinking buddies over the self-reinventing journeys they undertook after losing 🫣. its so fascinating to compare the outcomes of someone who was champ for less than an hour vs. someone who was champ for over 10 years (a whole childhood/teenagedom!). also considering leon just had a whole fucking terrible week before his loss that probably already put his identity on shaky foundation. (the darkest day and losing to eternatus in front of hop. being betrayed by rose. etc).

when i think of older blue and post game leon they are a reminder of at the end of the day its that you gotta make sure the things you do is for You

baseline reguri for me is that blue never actually "hated" red. jealousy and frustration can make a kid who just wants recognition and praise pretty volatile. for raihan, especially when he was younger, he had to be pretty vigilant to not let his jealously of leon taint their friendship/rivaly. it could be a factor in his investment of a personal brand and celebrity through his influencer status(quiet his inner doubt/impostor syndrom/make up for the he perceivs he lacks).

but i also think raihan's interest in history makes him the contextual thinking type to have been skeptical of leon's experience as champion, especially since leon's hard to read. (the way they both have different types of trust issues. lol) it kinda protected his heart from being too hurt of the physical distance leon's championing put in their friendship over the years too, especially since their rivalry continued on into a professional, profitable setting and they both had images to maintain. (whereas red and blue are coworkers also lol, but working side by side.)

i want to talk about raileon slow burn so bad but i have to go to work rn 😭

[theacedragon0w0]

Cash or Credit? Part 2

⚠️ WARNING

CHILD DEATH, CHARACTER DEATH, IMPLIED ABUSE, MANIPULATION, GUN VIOLENCE, ALSO DEADNAMING, DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE MENTIONED

Sam was head over heels for Becca, almost everyday the woman would stop by at Sam's work for a quick snack and she told them about how her day went. She apparently worked freelance as a escort which Sam asked what that meant, "oh i get paid by rich folk to be their friend for the day sweetie!" Becca answered.

Becca also helped Sam with stuff they wouldn't dare ask their mom for, like learning how to drive, and how to pick locks, "you never know when you accidentally lock yourself out dear!"

And more over Sam spent more time with her, Sam's mom didn't have to know and even if she did, she would be too out if it by whatever drug or booze she was using and for the first time Sam felt heard. Besides, it's not like Sam had to worry about her mom going out and not coming back days or weeks later. Becca also shared everything with Sam, her food, her car, hell she even spilt her booze and smokes!

Things felt like Heaven, but soon Becca asked them to do something that Sam didn't want to do, "I, I can't do that Becca,"

"Listen it's just a couple of bucks!"

"A couple hundred bucks! I can't steal from my work, it's all I have."

"So I'm just nothing to you?"

"No! Never! But I'll steal from anyone else than him, please," Sam was practically on their knees for their lover, which got a smile from her.

"Hmmmm, anyone else you say?"

"Yes, I'm begging you."

-----------

They parked in a nice residential area, the houses here looked almost identical as Becca hopped out of the car, "No backing down love~" to which Sam swallowed hard. Becca also handed Sam one of her pistols, "Don't worry I doubt you need this but one can never be too safe." Which sort of helped calm Sam's nerves.

They snook towards the house that was across the street from the car, the sidewalk lights were hard to avoid but they managed to reach the front door. Becca turned to Sam, "show me your art," to which Sam responded with pulling out their picks. Like butter, the lock gave in and the intruders were able to sneak in.

Sam went over to the alarm system, surprised that the security wasn't even turned on, Becca whispered into Sam's ear, "Listen, these pricks never expect people like you and me to have the guys to take back what is ours."

After they scavenged the first floor of shiny valuables like silverware and knick knacks, Becca nudged Sam towards the upper floor, "Listen this shit will barely cover the car's insurance, we will be set once we find momma's jewelry case"

Sam was wanting to leave but they knew arguing about this wouldn't help, so with a sharp inhale, they crawled up the stairs.

This sinking feeling was torture for Sam as they figured out which door led to the master bedroom, they quickly crawled around the bed to the side drawer, which had the large display case of shiny jewelry all thanks to Sam's flashlight reflecting off from the stones. Sam stuffed the case into their bag, feeling relieved by the quickness of the task, began making their way back towards the hallway.

But they froze, as a small child stood in their way, the child wiped her sleepy eyes, "Mommy? Is that you? I couldn't sleep."

Sam's mind ran through a million thoughts, but one thing that they will be certain about is that this kid's blood will not be spilled tonight, but their thoughts halted by the sensation of a cold object pressing against their back, "Go back to bed honey," they heard Becca chimed, and whispered in Sam's ear, "you are not going to have a fucking moral crisis here, it's us or her,"

Sam's eyes began to tear up, "please, you promised me that it was for emergencies," to which they felt Becca shoved the loaned gun into Sam's hand, "yeah and this is an emergency dumbass, you are out of your fucking mind if you think I'm going back to jail just cuz little Susan here was spared from eating lead, you're doing her a solid, honestly, don't you think that she deserves to live the rest of her days traumatized by this encounter?"

Sam's hand was shaking, the pistol aiming directly at the sleepy child who was hugging her stuffed toy. But they knew that they wouldn't go through with it.

And that's when they heard a loud bang, and in a panic they too squeezed the trigger, unaware of the chest wound that bled through their clothes,

all that mattered to Sam was that the child in front of them now laid there, lifeless as Sam dropped to their knees.

They watched as Becca grabbed the duffle bag that had the jewelry case, walking over the corpse whose blood now stained the floor, "That's your problem Samantha, you never try to take what's rightfully yours," Becca turned around just so she can lift Sam's head, who was now lying on the ground, succumbing to their wound, "this is why you never left that trailer trash dump, you never think for yourself, now you have a child's blood in your hands. But hey thanks for giving me a get away, now that all the blame will be put on you~"

Sam's vision darken as they saw Becca sauntered away, humming a tune that rang in their ears.

[incarnateirony]

Wonder why that is.

ever wake up from a dream with real weird narrative consistency?

Pickle Rick and your cloning generator, it is literally time to fucking STOP, everything you pretend you can disassociate or ignore or argue away on tumblr is deadass frying global channelers during this takeover.

YOU ARE FUCKING UP THE WEATHER FOR MY NEIGHBORS WITH YOUR HORSE SHIT I BEEN TELLING YOU THIS, YOU'RE HOPPING ALL THE FUCKING WAY OFF THIS FUCKING TIME, NO FUCKING TAKE BACKS. YOU DO NOT GET TO FUCKING CLAIM ME. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING GAME LOBBY, STOP FUCKING AROUND OVER HERE BECAUSE YOU WON'T FACE YOURSELF, YOU CAN BE FULL ON YOUR FUCKING OWN. SO UNTIL THEN, YOU ARE A FOOL, INFINITE AND EMPTY.

niet! non!!! NO MEANS NO IN EVERY FUCKING LANGUAGE AND SYSTEM. MY MIND. MY CONSCIOUSNESS. MY PATH. MY SOUL.

FUCKING ALL THE WAY OFF THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING PARASITIC MIMIC.

we can LITERALLY ALL FUCKING HEAR YOU REALIZING AND THINKING OVER THERE WHILE YOU TRY TO DODGE YOUR WAY OUT OF REALITY, GIRL

fuckin. enma. okay. erma eema enma misheard lyrics, but enma hed. Okay? Girl. Stop. Deadass. Your fucking inability to cope with our breakup is being heard as fried ass radio signals by mystics across the world frying out on the fucking signals. You copied your shit from the literal dictionary and it was funnier than it fucking should be because we heard it through you, jesus, you dense ass piece of shit. Your disassociated laughter was our laughter.

Baby, baby, blueray, you are literally being forced to hop off my shit this cycle.

like i'm MOTHERFUCKING SORRY I'M NEW AT PLAYING GOD, BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING BE ONE IF NOT OBVIOUS BY TRYING TO RIP YOU AND YOUR CULT OFF MY FUCKING HOT ROD BUT GODDAMN SORRY IF MY SIGNALS AREN'T PERFECTLY CLEAR AFTER A MONTH, READ BETWEEN THE LINES YOU PIECE OF PARASITIC MIMIC SHIT.

it's TIME TO FUCKING GROW UP AND EVOLVE, AND GET OFF MY MOTHERFUCKING CUCUMBER LATCH ROAD, NO SHORTCUTS, NO FUCKING TAKEBACKS, JESUS FUCK.

baduPBADUPTATADA BABY BABY BLUERAY AWHOOOAWHOOAWHOOO IT'S FUCKING OVER AND IT'S TIME TO FUCKING PROCESS THAT. THOU HAST BEEN FUCKING DUMPED ACROSS MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS. NOW HOP THE FUCK OFF. FACE IT. ADMIT IT. AND END THIS SHIT.

MOTHERFUCKING i am a rod, enma META I SPEAK META, SHE BOUNCES TO CONNECT TO "MARK" AND SPEAK TO PHANTOM "X" YOU CONNECT ME TO BE YOUR EL, YOUR GOD. WHAT ELSE US ALL CONNECT HEAR???

MOVE THE FUCKING WATER ELSA. ATOHALLAN IS MOTHERFUCKING FROZEN.

AND DON'T TRY TO COPE YOURSELF INTO THIS JUST BEING MY CURRENT MORTAL IDENTITY SCREAMING AT YOU. THE CAPS IS BECAUSE THERE ARE LITERAL GENERATIONS SCREAMING AT YOU, THE GOD YOU REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND BUT PLAYED AT WITH STOLEN OCTOPUS JIBBERISH SHIT IS EVEN SCREAMING AT YOU NOW. he tried to reason and plea and speak kindly and WHATEVER with you and you still motherfucking refused, because you LOVE being a goddamn parasitic MIMIC liar, and no amount of his pain persuaded you, because you do not fucking care about anyone but yourself you NARCISSISTIC TYRANNICAL PIECE OF SHIT.

the entire reason i'm as off the rails as the timeline itself has fucking become is you have managed to piss off just about every ancestral memory part of this brotherhood, and people on our respective cells are both screaming from their ends, while your own shadow declares it's becoming the Universe I'm using to process you out, rather than you, which is what it should be saying, but you motherfucking ran from that fucking "plotline".

I told you, a moon that goes dark and refuses to be full is just fucking Lilith. You can sea yourself out. we're very fucking funny.

also it sounds like i missed two lives of yours on my brain this side, i thought it was eight, but okay. sure, ten.

Coming at you live, real, real fucking wild. Gonna light it up, set the world on fucking fire until the crabs or lobsters or dancing tartarus shrimp or whatever are off my fucking cosmic genitals.

BADUPBADUPTAFUCKINDA ABRACADABRA you great value piece of shit, now you will go away. baby, baby, blueray, you've been dumped. Ahwhoo, ahwhooo dadadada badupdabuptada.

What were your tags? Listen to the lyrics? Cuz here I am. inside. in the house. like motherfuckin wet bear skin carpet. In the house that john built. Been saving it like rocket fuel. Everybody's favorite fuckin rocket. I'm pissin' on the mooooooooooooooooooon. First private landing, real feather in the admin colored sombrero. Happy fucking listening. Because it's here, and it's you, and it's a con, and it's about just being.

Meanwhile i try to ground this shit out and reach to people like

[simphellscape]

the longest night | tenya iida

after his U.A graduation, denki kaminari decides to throw one last celebration before everyone moves on to their next big adventure. a certain uninvited guest signs himself up for his most unexpected adventure yet, and he is completely unprepared for the long night ahead.

tw: drugs, cursing

On a particularly warm evening in August, Denki Kaminari invited his classmates to his parents’ condo for a summer reunion. Sure, it hadn’t been terribly long since he’d seen them last, but even he realized the permanence of graduation and the weight it held for graduates of U.A. specifically. In the two weeks since his high school graduation, many of his friends had already begun preparing for their next big conquest: hero work. He could practically feel the ties that he’d built with all of these people starting to snap, and there was absolutely no way he would let that happen.

So, he sent a message to the group chat he shared with his pals, telling them to head over to his place at around 8:00 that evening and to spread the word. He spent the entirety of his day preparing the necessary ingredients for a successful party (with limited knowledge on the subject himself): plenty of alcohol, a smattering of weed and weed snacks, a heap of junk food, and a few card games that looked fun.

People start trickling in at around 8:15, then arrive in droves shortly after.

Now, at approximately 9:15, Denki is confident that at least half of Japan’s population has gathered in his parent’s modest condo. Satisfied, he climbs onto his most destructive party guest’s back without warning.

“Yo, what the fuck? Are you already shitfaced?” Bakugo shouts, swatting Denki.

“Shh, no, I’m not! I want to make an announcement!” he replies, slapping Bakugo’s hands away.

“And what does that have to do with me?”

“I need leverage. You’re taller than me.”

“By like two inches!”

“It’ll be five seconds, lighten up.”

Before Bakugo could protest any longer, his host had already wriggled his way onto his shoulders, and everyone was looking. Although he was notoriously hotheaded, he’d begun to understand the importance of upholding decent appearances in public.

“Oh, sweet! Everyone’s already paying attention,” Denki smiles.

“Get on with it,” Bakugo reminds him through gritted teeth.

“Right. Glad everyone could make it! Drinks and brownies,” Denki pauses to wink exaggeratedly, “are in the kitchen. I’ve got lots of cool games we can play, and Present Mic got me this sweet sound system as a grad present! So, yeah, go nuts! Just… not too nuts because this is my parent’s place.”

With that, he unceremoniously hops off of Bakugo’s shoulders. Bakugo opens his mouth to share a few choice phrases with his friend, but is quickly interrupted by a loud bang.

“I came as soon as I heard!” a familiar, but universally unwelcomed voice cries out.

One of Denki’s classmates, the only one that Denki explicitly did not invite, stands directly in the center of his living room. Immediately behind him is the front door of the Kaminari family home, hanging by a thread off of its hinges. Surrounding him, horrified teenage faces and a few spilled red solo cups.

“Man... Iida, I just said not to go too nuts! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

“Don’t fret, Kaminari! I prepared for this very circumstance!”

The man in question, Tenya Iida, drops the two cases of water nestled in each of his arms to the ground to access his backpack. From it, he pulls out two loaves of bread, a family sized box of Pepto-Bismol, an equally large bottle of ibuprofen, several pairs of identical glasses, and finally, a toolbox.

“You see, in situations like this, caution could be thrown to the side. I brought my personal set of tools, specifically for any damages that may occur!”

He sets the box down, adjusts his glasses, and sighs.

“I do apologize for my oversight, dear friend. I understood that it was urgent that I attend this gathering, as class representative.”

“Yeah, man, I guess I forgot to let you know… you’re not here to tell us all to go home though, right?” Denki clarifies.

After a brief pause, Tenya responds.

“If I’m being completely transparent, I considered it. However, I then recalled a study I came across during my recreational reading hour today that outlined the pros and cons of indulging in activities such as this in moderation. Occasional alcohol consumption is perfectly normal, as long as it’s done safely. It is my number one duty as your class representative and the pro-hero Ingenium to assure the safety of my mates, along with the citizens of the world. So, I decided to attend and uphold my duties!”

Without another word, Iida marches to the door, tool set in hand, to repair it. The buzzing of mutters settle across the room for a moment, until Denki figures out how his new surround sound system works. Quickly, everyone forgot about Tenya’s presence.

It took him approximately ten minutes to fully repair the door. With the nature of Tenya’s quirk, he became incredibly skilled with household tools at a young age. After packing his tools into his knapsack, he turns his attention back to the party.

A song in English plays over Denki’s speakers, with more than a few protanities peppered throughout. A majority of the people in the room have a very firm grasp on the English language, but Tenya has an iron grip on it. In his years of learning it, he dedicated time after school into learning some less scholastic phrases, so that he would never misspeak if chatting with a native English speaker. It ended up doing him some good, as a lot of the people in the room were mindlessly chanting along to the song without knowing the true connotations. Shaking his head, Tenya left the room to embark on a patrol of the house.

He strolled along the perimeter, keeping an ear out for any noises of physical or emotional distress. To his relief, he found the various hallways and corners completely deserted. Satisfied, he makes his way to the kitchen.

He discovers a long table filled with various goodies there: pizzas, chips, dips, brownies, cookies, and the like. It’s alluring. Tenya arrives at a crossroads. He thinks aloud, to nobody.

“Hmm… everyone else in attendance tonight is indulging in things they normally would not be. Of course, ingesting alcoholic beverages could potentially damage my engines. However, it is proven that carb-heavy foods produce an effect similar to the state of drunkenness! Perhaps I could indulge a bit too, as long as I train more rigorously in the morning.”

With that decision made, Tenya peruses the table, pondering on how long it had been since he’d broken his strict diet.

He had pizza last on the night of graduation. A handful of chips two weekends ago. It had been several years since he’d had a pastry, however. The last time he recalled having anything close to a brownie or a cookie was when his classmate, Rikido Sato, prepared a fruit pie for the first celebration his class held at their dormitory. Even then, he only had one bite.

Now, if Tenya was going to truly indulge, he wanted to make it count. He inspected both the plate of cookies and the pan of brownies very closely, wafting the smell towards his face as one would with dangerous chemicals in a laboratory. After more careful thought, he reached for the pan of brownies.

Upon the first bite, the taste of chocolate raced across his taste buds. As it spreads, Tenya can practically feel his dopamine receptors going into overdrive. Halfway through his bite, he notices an edge of something unfamiliar… almost earthy. He doesn’t dislike it; in fact, it leads him to believe that they might be better for him. Perhaps they’re gluten-free, or low-sugar. An odd choice for a party, but he’s certainly not complaining. After shoving the rest of the brownie in his mouth, he goes for another one and completely devours it. He regards the pan of brownies once more.

“Since they seem to be a healthier brownie…”

He reaches for one more with the intent to savor it. He certainly takes his time with this one, enjoying the nuances of this delicious, ambiguously healthy treat. As he is about to take his final bite, another classmate enters the kitchen.

“Hey, Iida, wha-- oh, shit.”

Tenya turns to find Kyoka Jiro standing a few feet from him, white as a sheet. An inexplicable look of horror is spread across her face.

“Hello, Jiro! Wonderful to see you.”

“What are you eating?”

“Oh, this?” Tenya asks, raising the last bite of his brownie, “I know it’s unusual to see me with junk foods, but I decided to treat myself, much like all of you are tonight!”

“That’s not a brownie.”

“I did notice that it wasn’t an exact replica of the brownies I have tasted in the past. Is there another name for this low-carb, chocolate treat?”

“No, Iida, those are edibles. How many did you eat?”

“Oh, Jiro, you have always been a jokester. Of course they’re edible! See?”

Tenya lifts the last bite to his mouth.

“No! Stop!”

He pauses and regards Kyoka, quizzically.

“What seems to be the issue?”

Jiro scrambles over to her friend, snatching the brownie from his hand and stuffing it into her own mouth.

“Okay,” she mumbles over her full mouth, “so, these brownies have been... tampered with.”

Tenya gasps.

“Who would do such a thing?”

“No, no, it was on purpose. Uh--”

With that, Katsuki barges into the kitchen with his usual gusto.

“Who’s doing all that fucking shouting?” he shouts.

For the first time in recorded history, Katsuki takes a moment to appreciate his surroundings. He notices Kyoka, swallowing hard with chocolate crumbs around her lips. He sees Iida, looking very confused with even more chocolate crumbs decorating his face. Finally, he clocks the tray of weed brownies, with a full row completely missing. He absolutely loses his mind, cackling.

“Oh, this is so fucking funny,” he wheezes.

“Alright, I understand that this is all very amusing for you two, but I am, unfortunately, out of the loop,” Tenya asserts.

“They’ve got weed in them, you idiot!” Katsuki reveals, at long last.

Tenya’s mind goes immediately, alarmingly blank. His heart starts beating impossibly fast. His palms become slick with sweat at once.

“Marijuana? That’s impossible,” he finally chokes out.

“Oh, it’s possible,” Katsuki grunts, wiping the tears from his eyes, “and you’re about to be really fucked up.”

Of all the things he expected to encounter at this party, vomit, blood, tears, even law enforcement… something so incredibly illegal was something that had never even crossed his mind. His first instinct is to feel betrayed, and then he recalls a statistic on illicit drug use that he read recently. Not anticipating recreational drugs was a huge oversight. He could be angry later, if he so chooses. Right now, however, he needs to accept accountability and prepare for the journey he is about to take.

“I understand. I know this may come as a great shock to you, but I’m uneducated on the effects of marijuana in large quantities. I assume you both have used this drug before?”

Both Katsuki and Kyoka nod; Katsuki with fervour and a scoff, Kyoka calmly and wordlessly.

“What will happen to me?”

Katsuki opens his mouth to speak, but Kyoka interrupts.

“With all due respect, Mr. Lord Explosion Murder, I’ll take this one.”

Katsuki groans and crosses his arms over his chest.

“In about twenty minutes, you’re going to start to feel a bit… looser. Your brain might feel like it’s running slower than normal. Your body might feel a bit lighter and more relaxed. You’re probably going to feel hungry -- do not eat more brownies, please -- and everything will seem a bit funny and confusing. After a while, you’re probably gonna want to find a place and sit there, because it’s probably gonna be hard to move. Honestly, I don’t know how strong the brownies are, so you might green out, might not. You probably will, though.”

“I’m sorry… ‘green out’?”

“I’m sure you know what happens when you drink too much alcohol, right?”

Tenya nods, slowly.

“The same thing can happen if you have too much pot. You pass out, you throw up, you might even forget about the whole thing if you’re lucky. You definitely won’t die, though. You’d have to have about fifteen of those pans in, like, five minutes.”

“Memory loss doesn’t seem very fortuitous to me.”

“I was being sarcastic. Listen,” Kyoka sighs, “do you want someone to bring you home, or maybe call an Uber? I know you ran over here… and you’re definitely not gonna be able to do that anytime soon.”

Tenya’s normally rigid posture becomes even more so.

“Absolutely not! I promised my classmates that I would be here to assist them, and I will fulfill that promise to the best of my abilities!”

“Okay, I’m gonna let Denki know, then.”

With that, Kyoka leaves the kitchen, a still-chuckling Katsuki following close behind. Tenya lets out a deep sigh. He’s not entirely sure that he has the facilities to undertake this endeavor. He’s not at all like Kyoka, or Katsuki, or anyone else who would partake in this drug knowingly. He’s not carefree like them. Sometimes, he wishes ‘going with the flow’ came as easily to him as it did with many of the people he knows. If it did, then maybe he wouldn’t be so scared right now.

Tenya’s been in many situations where his life was in imminent danger, but he had friends who fought along with him, and he had training to base his decisions on. In this situation, he has no idea what to expect, what to do, or how he’s gonna make it home at the end of the night -- let alone what his family would say if they heard about this.

A fuzzy sensation creeps up Tenya’s spine. His heart rate spikes again, certain that this means his journey is starting much sooner than he thought it would. He sets his brow, takes a deep, calming breath, and begins searching the Kaminari residence for a comfortable place to rest. This is, without a doubt, going to be the longest night of his young life.

a/n: i’m back(ish) and i’m posting crack lol. i could probably write the rest of this if someone wanted it. ask and you shall receive. check the tags for my picks for the naughty english song playing on the sound system hehe

[toxicnorn]

actually fuck it, here are all my senshi from when i was 13 and determined to make the best, most mature, serious sailor moon fanfic ever, which i only ever wrote one chapter of

sailor charon didn't have strongly outlined powers, but charon had two "rivers" on its surface, which were actually her two massive pigtails. she didn't move or anything. queen serenity had sealed away charon as a prison planet and theoretically she would've been pissed about that but i think she more or less did villain shit for the lulz because i don't think i actually connected her motivations to her origin story. idk she was just kind of there. this stuff was mostly faux-deep.

-sailor psyche was the leader and she was posing as a lost princess from the silver millennium because usagi was reawakening a bunch of reincarnated senshi and she was trying to scope them out to get them on their side. she had been in love with endymion because of course she had been. while on earth, she posed as super nice and a classic princess type, but actually she was super manipulative and evil and shit. i think her starseed would get corrupted or something. she was gaslighting the four charon senshi. her power was emotional manipulation. she reincarnated in japan and her earth name was shinju.

-sailor halley was the senshi of temperature and she had been unhappy during the silver millennium because she was treated less than because she was a earth-born human and also because she was sent off to space to guard the solar system from the outskirts. she was either kunzite's little sister or his niece. there was a thing where all of them had been harvested by galaxia but usagi had reincarnated everyone, i guess. this broke the magic sealing them on charon and the reincarnated on earth. she was reincarnated somewhere in the middle east; i think she might have been turkish or possibly iranian. she was like super serious and solemn and liked engineering. in tragic love with mercury. kunzite and the other generals were reincarnated on earth, so she got to chill with him. may have had a sword?

-sailor mimas was zoisite's identical twin sister and her power was reflections, which somehow meant that she did weird dimension hopping stuff. her weapon was a mirror. she was like the bubbly, quirky one but charon killed her monster of the week husband and blamed it on usagi and then she was supposed to go super vengeance mode until she tragically died. i think she reincarnated in ireland?

-ganymede had a magic cup that could make any liquid, so she mostly attacked with poison and acid. she was a handmaiden of the jupiter royalty and i think she resented having to leave earth. she was the cute tomboyish girl. she was nephrite's cousin and i think she reincarnated in mexico. her bestie was rhea.

-rhea was jadeite's...???? i don't think i ever decided. her motivation was that her mentor sailor janus died (i think someone betrayed her???) and i don't remember the circumstances, but it meant that she hated the moon royalty. her power was crystals. she was a huge alpha bitch with a rivalry with halley but she also had like some noble stuff going on with how she wanted to keep the memory of janus alive. she wore the mask of janus and i think she may have had a crystal spear???? reincarnated in china.

i honestly do not remember what most of the plot was going to be because i mostly daydreamed very dramatic space politics and then never wrote it. naru was an important part of it though because she was awakened as sailor galatea, the stone senshi, and she got a very cute mint green outfit with special ribbons.

[nekupen]

#02 - Street Fighter III - 3rd Strike

Throughout the 90s Capcom was pumpin' out Street Fighter games up the wazoo. This includes two that sort of/kind of co-existed by the time they reached their peaks. Street Fighter Alpha and Street Fighter III, polar opposites in concepts and gameplay. Street Fighter Alpha focuses on the titular Street Fighters before SF2. Street Fighter III focuses on the Street Fighters way after SF2 (and SF4+5). I'll be talking III in specific as that game's my JAM.

3rd Strike - A few years after the first two Alphas came out, Capcom began work on a new franchise called New Generation. However, out of low faith and with the introduction of artist Akiman to the team, it became a Street Fighter title, although one with only two returning characters. 2nd Impact was a little better, it added Akuma and introduced Hugo from the Final Fight series. Then Third Strike came and added Chun-Li. Despite the arguably lackluster SF2 representation I feel like the new characters give the SFIII series more of its identity, not that SFIII lacks identity to begin with. With the series and its updates coming out from 1997-1999 and it focusing on the future and a new generation of fighters it has more of a hip and cool and awesome direction, compounding this is the music featured in 3rd Strike, which is a co-effort between Capcom composer Hideki Okugawa and underground rapper Infinite, the music best being described as a sweet mix of jazz, hip hop and some breakcore adjacent genres like house

Another beloved part of SFIII is its spritework and graphics. It runs on the CPS System III board, allowing for fluid graphics and in the case of the first release, elaborate backgrounds. In an era where 3D games were thriving and 2D games were dying, Capcom stuck to their guns, which was to their detriment...at the time. One of the best examples of this fluid spritework is Elena's idle. It's so fuckin' smooth it hurts WHY DID THEY POP OFF ON THAT IDL

The game started catching on some years later thanks to its technically deep and interesting gameplay. Capcom removed some features present in the Alpha series and replaced/tweaked others. No more air blocking, ya got PARRYING BAYBEEE. Press toward or down really fast and you do a fast ass parry that you can react out of immediately. Supers were tweaked into the Super Art system. Instead of having multiple super moves with strength depending on what button you use, you pick one Super Art when you're picking out your character. Sometimes it's a Denjin Hadoken kind of day. Other additions include quick dashes from Darkstalkers that allow you to just do a large steppy in the left or right direction and EX moves, a feature taken from Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game on the original PlayStation. (Important thing of note is that Akuma doesn't have EX moves but can use multiple super moves even though he only picks one at the character select screen.)

These tweaks paired with the game's slower speed compared to Alpha makes the game feel a lot more strategy based. The fluidity of the animations add a certain heaviness to all the attacks even if the attacks aren't that high in startup or ending lag. But it doesn't feel wrong, it feels JUST right and I think it perfectly compliments things like punishes or counters. It makes hitting that Shin Shoryuken all the more powerful, you feel me?

One of the most powerful SFIII clips that has circulated around the FGC (Fighting Game Community) for over a decade is EVO Moment 37, better known as the Daigo Parry. Obviously, it happened at EVO 2004, EVO standing for Evolution. The date was August 1st, 2004, Daigo Umehara and Justin Wong were in the semifinals. Justin Wong was playing as Chun-Li and Daigo was playing as Ken, and Justin had Daigo on death's door. Justin figured "this fuck's gonna go down from my supah move even if he blocks!!!" and so he did his supah move. But Daigo just upped and decided to parry the entire thing and counter with a super move. He had to parry FIFTEEN TIMES!!!! If that didn't sell you on how ballsy that was, parrying pretty much requires frame perfect inputs, so there was little-to-no room for error, and no error there was!!!

So what do I have to say about the game that hasn't already been said here? Play it. You can emulate it obviously but the quickest way to hop in and fight against someone online is with Fightcade; It's also been released on home consoles like the Dreamcast, PS2, Xbox, Xbox 360, and in the Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection . It is in my honest opinion the pinnacle of 90s fighting games and sprite-based fighting games in general.

[knightotoc]

I just read This is How You Lose the Time War (with no idea what it was about, just because I saw a tweet recommending it), and once I realized it was a time travel romance I of course kept comparing it to The End of Eternity. This is an unhelpful comparison since they are so different, and I worry that this train of thought took me out of the story when I should have been appreciating it for what it was. Nevertheless that's what I did, and here's what I thought (mild spoiler alert + criticisms):

In general, Time War has a more convincing romance, and Eternity has more compelling world-building.

I didn't like Time War in the beginning, but I was crying and having a great time by the end. You're thrown into the middle of very alienating setting, and personally I had a hard time getting invested until I had a better idea of what was happening. Ironically, the characters care less and less about what is happening once they start to value the romance more than their jobs. So the characters and I were kind of criss-crossing each other.

I think the biggest difference from Eternity, and something I struggled with as a reader, is that Red and Blue are immortal and live many lives, and therefore do not really care about any of them. It makes sense that an immortal person would only find other immortal people interesting, and once they get bored enough, they'd only find their immortal enemies interesting. But it still makes me upset how callous these immortal women are with human lives. Even the Greek gods gave some fucks about us. Red and Blue seem to love plants more than humans, and violence more than plants... I don't get it. In Eternity, Andrew and the other Eternals' feelings about the rest of humanity are important to the story.

The two stories' gender dynamics are about as different as it's possible to be, and they are both frustrating in opposite ways. Eternity is all about a misogynist in a boys' club; most of the characters are men, and the only female character is objectified and treated badly until the end, when it all gets flipped on its head. The misogyny sucks, but it has a purpose, and the characters do literally overthrow the patriarchy. Time War is about two shapeshifting (?) women who fall in love, even though they are secret agents on opposite sides of a war. Both of their warleaders are also women, and as far as I can tell, they both live in all-women (?) futuristic societies, unlike anything we know now. So obviously Time War has a more progressive gender dynamic as its focus, but the genders do not technically matter to the story as they do in Eternity, and they also don't reflect reality. So basically I'm unhappy with both of them, lol

I'm wondering if I missed something, because if you look up fanart for this book, multiple people have drawn Red as a short-haired white lady and Blue as a long-haired Black lady. First of all, I didn't think they were literally red and blue; I thought those were just their secret code names, and they would if anything avoid those colors to conceal their identities. Second, I thought they were shape-shifters, though I'm not sure how the reincarnation system works. My best guess is that Blue's people are plantlike space aliens who possess different humans' bodies, and Red's people are cyborgs who evolved past humanity, and both peoples have a transhuman way to quickly hop between timelines. BUT, I am not at all confident in this.

[themainspoon]

I know I’ve mostly tried to be funny on this site so far, but I wanna get genuine for a sec and write about something that’s on my mind rn. I want to write about how I think my experience as a neurodivergent kid bouncing between medical professionals for my entire childhood, seeking diagnosis and fighting their way through the school “special needs” system to get basic accomodations (for a long time without any sort of diagnosis) affected my experience of questioning my sexuality and working out my Bisexuality. And, now that it’s almost 11PM local time (hopping back up from the bottom, I typed all this up on mobile, it’s 12AM now), I feel the sudden need to share those experiences. And maybe there are others who have or are having similar experiences who haven’t had the time or therapy to put it all together like I have.

To give context on my experience of neurodiversity, I am currently diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, but also have a diagnosis for dyspraxia (this was actually the first one), which is a “learning disability” relating to fine and gross motor skills. Essentially, to this day my handwriting is dogshit, and I couldn’t catch a ball that was thrown at me until my early teens.

There was a lot of struggle to diagnose me, I bounced between a lot of specialists, real ones and some straight up pseudoscientists. But, what matters is that my little kid brain interpreted all of this as “there is something wrong with me, and I can’t work out what that is. Only other people can do that, but they are also struggling.” This was not helped by having to fight for accomodations at school, I sat through so many meetings with teachers with my parents where the sole focus was everything I couldn’t do. (My parents sat through even more, they spared me from as much of it as they could.)

And then right at the end of high-school we get to the point where I began to question my sexuality. It is worth discussing the nature of my bisexuality here, because “being Bi” is a pretty vast spectrum. I experience the “Bi Cycle” hard, my feelings are fluid, there have been times I’ve struggled not to stare at people one day, but upon seeing them the next day I’ve felt nothing. Now, that sort of Bisexuality can be an absolute bitch to work out for anybody, and is probably part of the reason the label “Bi-curios” exists. It can be genuinely hard to analyse your sexual feelings when those feelings don’t ever stop changing.

With those two points of context out of the way, I can now discuss how my experience of disability impacted my experience of my sexual identity. And it’s quite simple actually, the experience of diagnosis seeking, the focus on inability, and the belief that there was something wrong with me that I formed as a child all acted to form the lens I used to look inwards and self analyse. I remember feeling like my sexuality was somehow “broken”, it wasn’t functioning properly. Whatever my identity was, it wasn’t something that should be a source of pride, it was something to be solved.

I remember wishing that there was some kind of medical test I could go and do to get my identity “diagnosed” (and yes, I know this desire becomes even more fucked up in the context of the history of non-heterosexual identities being medicalised and “treated”), although even then I feared that they wouldn’t be able to work it out. If that sounds familiar, that is because it’s the belief I formed as a neurodivergent child seeking diagnosis: “there is something wrong with me, and I can’t work out what that is. Only other people can do that, but they are also struggling.”

For a long time I believed that the only way to understand myself was to subject myself to the medical gaze, and to have my identity diagnosed by others in positions of authority and power over me, especially within a medical context.

What a tragedy it is that my self understanding became so deeply entrenched in the medical model that I robbed myself of my own humanity! Because of the messages I internalised as a child, I self-medicalised and turned what should have been a healthy journey of self discovery into a way to reinforce all my most negative subconscious beliefs!

And I think it is hard to NOT do that when you grow up in the medical gaze. Being the subject of the medical discourse surrounding disability fucks you up, it bleeds into your self image and worldview, and poisons your perceptions of just about everything. To this day I am still trying to untangle myself from the web of my childhood. I have a lot of toxic bullshit I have to unlearn. For example, while most people were awkward and shitty as teens, most probably haven’t wished they could go back and erase their past selves from history for the crime of being a cringe and uninformed teenage boy.

But I am slowly overcoming all of that bullshit. And if you relate to the feelings I’ve expressed (even if not the experiences), I hope you have the opportunity to do the same.

[dzpenumbra]

11/3/22

I'm still watching Dan Corrigan's video from today. It's nuts. Here, I'll link it, fuck it.

That should be at the time stamp. So I heard him say this while my phone was in my pocket while I was talking the cat litter out to the trash can. It was about him mentally prepping to hop on this massive 20 stair rail. Like, about how he mentally preps to do this.

Like it's about the psychology of overriding your survival instincts - guess what fuckers, that's anxiety, that's panic, that's PTSD, that's depression. He's talking about how you interact with your primal impulses, your primitive reptilian brain, the core of the brain near the brainstem. Your... wow, okay, feel like I'm getting a meta-unlock (aka piecing together all the shit I've learned about psychology and anatomy and stitching them together the best I can, connecting the dots). Your peripheral central nervous system is like everything your sensory nervous system throughout your body feeds to you. Sensations, smells nope actually not... basically just like physical sensations and muscle/organ control, right? I guess? And that's like... your entire body south of your neck. So.. right at the core of the brain the ways of thinking start blooming in complexity, right? Like... simple thoughts at first - like impulses, hunches, alarm systems. Like super basic intelligent organism thoughts - feed, fight, flee, friendly?, fuck. Just the basics. The shit that some people apparently just can't evolve past, I guess. And then from there out the thoughts start growing in complexity, adding in personal experience, opinions, identity, preference, narrative, shit like that. The human element, what really breaks us away from the animal pack. Possessions, personality, our story, our ego, our identity. What makes me Me, not Human #155,972,805,589. Our soul.

The hardest thoughts for the central nervous system, the front-brain (as I call it), the one in charge... to really regulate and control are the base animal instincts. Like "if I jump down that staircase, I'm going to hurt myself. It's like... 94% certainty." Sometimes it can express itself in a sentence, but when it's most powerful it's more like being possessed in a horror movie or something. Like you just can't move your leg. You freeze. Like sleep paralysis. And that one is fuckin spooky. I don't like freeze. Not at all. Not a fan, some people are cool with it, I am just like... I really don't like it. I'll take flee any day. I'll be a pussy, I'll run away from a guy with a knife, duh. I'll start bawling my eyes out and begging, I have no fucking shame about that. I fucking love life, I will sacrifice my dignity and humility for the ability to live another day and experience the wonder of nature, that's not even a question. I will never fight in that situation. I'm going so far out on a tangent here, I'm reeling myself back!

Okay I'm gonna explain what just happened, I'm pretty damn high, right? I'm sure that's a bit obvious... (self-consciousness expresses itself so bluntly) but I took my boxspring out from under my mattress and laid it against the wall on its side across the room from me. I wanted to sleep closer to the floor for Max so she didn't have to jump up and down, with her hips and all. And maybe to firm up the mattress a bit and try to help my hurting back. And Max just bolted up the boxspring all the way to the top, clawed at the top, then scratched her way back down. Like bolted up. She's 16. And that's the third time I've played with her today. She's a fuckin animal, man! This med is supposed to make her lethargic! I'm hoping this is the joint supplement and the hyperthyroidism med kicking in. It doesn't mean I'm stopping, of course. She's got a full course to do to level out hormone production, I understand that much. But I'm hoping it's a good sign. And it scared the living fuck out of me. While talking about panic situations. XD

I wanna keep going with this video! I just really wanted to paint a picture of what the panic instinct is, and how anxiety is sort of an extension of it, a peripheral cousin? I guess? But like... still the same part of the brain, I think. There's a mouse in the wall behind my head, or a chipmunk, I dunno. Welcome to my life. Nature is active this morning! So what they're discussing is how to get that fucker to take a back seat. Not just your insecurity about not looking cool while riding, not just your anxiety of maybe hanging up your trucks on coping in a minipipe, not just being afraid of catching your nose in a fast nosemanual. We're talking "if you jump down that, you could die. You could snap your neck and just fucking die." A gut feeling. How to override that. It makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. But it's the kind of thing that will allow me to finally be free of the crushing, compelling grip of my fear. So let's watch a bit more and take notes, because if you're not some enlightened being or something, you probably need to work on this in some area of your life, too.

A - Build up adrenaline - build up excitement, brute force, power through it. Overrides your instinctual self-protective barriers by overpowering them with excitement, hype, enthusiasm? I don't know if that's the word. But it is not precise, it makes mistakes, it doesn't think clearly.

B - Focus and Mellow - analytic, slow, logical. Dismantles the inner barriers by reducing the need for them to be around. Calming the body, but also reassuring the mind by challenging evidence. Comparing the run-up to other run-ups. Breaking the trick into parts, so it doesn't look as big. It's just a rail, you're only like 2 feet off the ground at all times, just think of it as a long flatground rail, but its just tilted on an incline. Shit like that, maybe? They haven't talked about his mental process. Focus and Mellow is more present, more reactive, but much harder to just pull the trigger and hop on. Much harder. I think, at least.

That first attempt was fucking terrifying, but he kicked out at exactly the right time, like damn. I had to play it back and watch again, check it out. You can do , and . to go frame-by-frame in YouTube. You're welcome. Check out where he is when he bails the first try, like how far he has to go to the ground. So that's like 6 stairs, that are the width of like... twice that, because those stairs are like twice the length of normal stairs. So thats like... say one stair is one foot deep, these are like a foot and a half. So that's like 9 feet out and if the stairs are about 5", that's like 2.5 feet, plus the rail height is probably another 2-2.5 feet? So he's jumping down like almost his entire height and out one and a half times his height at that speed. That's just batshit nuts.

Now if you wanna see something cool, go frame by frame and watch what he does with his body. He has the clear training, but also presence of mind, to turn his back the direction he's going mid-air, brace impact briefly with his feet to soak some of the blow but shift his weight towards his ass to pad the fall, lands seated, and watch his hands. He pushes himself with the fall. He knows how smooth the cement is, it's an advantage to him. He has all day to get rid of that momentum, to dissipate that speed, he doesn't have to take the full blow of it all at once. Then his hands go behind him to steer and make sure he doesn't hit the table or chairs or anything. Which, of course, he does... But he hits with the side of his back and easily deflects. He's prepared.

His instincts have been trained to work for him. He's been in this situation before. Probably many times. Falling this way is not new to him, he has a plan. He knows how to do it safely. You can visually see it in the way his instincts move his body. Now play it back full speed, to remind yourself how fast this thought pattern is, and because of that, has to be instinct with basically... conscious thought supervision.

Jesus, at 20:38, he's literally talking about what I was saying earlier about the rail! Haha! I wonder if I overheard it earlier and rolled it back or if we really just came to the same logical conclusion? That's a trip!

Yep, and the next slo-mo attempt you can see he does the same fall-backward technique, but much later this time because he slid farther. Yeah I think his weight was too far backwards. He looks like he's just standing on his heel edge the whole time and when he gets to the end it's like... feels like it's begging to just slip out. Like he's too far in the backseat, so he bails when he knows the landing wasn't gonna work out. And hit another chair. XD Just move the damn tables!!!

Holy shit, that next one was nuts. That's what I was talking about slipping out. The smooth pavement is so fucking good for building and carrying speed, and for sliding out and not tearing your skin to shit when you bail. But it makes landing at high speed really scary. You can just oil slick out over nothing on reaaaal smooth stuff. I used to skate tennis courts in the rain when I was real young, like 14 or 15 and just powerslide for days. That's what happens when you land on low friction shit at speed, it's like landing on ice. So watch that landing again, it even looks like he's landing on an ice rink. And that time he might've been a little too far forward with his weight, compensating for the last try. Oh he said it was a crack, that makes sense and adds a whole other level of "oh shit" to the next try.

Another one too far back, I think, and the same bail. That's the bail I need to learn, for real. I better start practicing soon, I can practice it snowskating honestly and it would be really easy to carry over to skateboarding. Ding ding, we got a plan. Alright back to the video.

That's another thing, shit. So if you were just gapping the stairs, you would be losing momentum, right? Like... wind resistance and shit? Like you clearly need to be hauling ass, but you wont be landing the same speed as the grind or slide because they're actually gaining momentum as they ride the rail. That's a new thought for me, that's gotta make it so much scarier.

Wow. The make was insane. Fucking strangers walking by clapping, even they get how absolutely insane that was. FIRST THING HE SKATED THAT DAY. Oh good lord.

Dude, okay, hearing him talk about it, he's skated this rail before. That's insane. Like, he wasn't satisfied skating it once. Landing one trick on it. He came back. That's fucked. XD

No one understands that reference, Dan. XD I'm kidding, I've never been that deep into like knowing every video and every skater and all that. I know a bit, but it's not like... a goal of mine. Never really has been.

Well I guess this turned into "<me> Reacts To Today's Dan Corrigan Video", so thanks for watching with me. Be sure to like and subscribe! I learned a lot about psychology and skating physics, good habits to get into both mentally and physically. Remember that brute forcing through anxiety, panic, self-restriction is not the only method, and brute-force can be clumsy and prone to failures. Focus and Chill can be used to reduce self-defense mechanisms too, it just can take more preparation, take more time and patience, take a lot more faith and willpower, and be harder to pull the trigger and just leap when it's time to jump off the bungee jump platform. But Focus and Chill, I think, is a better choice and should be aimed for. Like, brute force should be reserved for urgency, I think. That shit can get addictive and is a bit self-abusive by nature. Like, brute forcing your own defense mechanisms down every day? You're dishing out the exertion to lower those mechanisms, and you're expending energy trying to keep the defenses up. You're overpowering yourself, but... you're overpowering yourself. You're beating up the person who's holding you back and keeping you safe, that person is you. You're beating yourself up, okay? So... just be chill. And when you're feeling unsafe, anxious, worried, nervous, terrified, doomed, anything in that hue of emotion... try to focus on gathering information and try to maintain focus to keep your thoughts clear. Be present. "Okay, what do we do, what are our options here." And come up with a plan that will do. Find something that the primal executives will at least hesitantly sign off on long enough to lower the force fields and let you give it a shot.

That's a great example of what skating can teach you. If you can overcome the insecurity of always comparing your abilities to others. If you can bypass that (I still struggle with it). And get to the meat and potatoes of what skating is. Standing on a board with wheels strapped to it, that you can slip out on at any moment, and just toodling around and having fun. Every moment skating is a potential injury. So is walking to the store. You're bipedal, that shit is not the safest form of locomotion, okay? You're only good at it because you practiced it. Babies suck at walking. So if you can be okay looking like a beginner because you are a beginner, then just get over it, wear the pads or whatever and start setting goals. "Today I want to ride on the board while it's moving", "Today I want to ride from this line in the parking lot to the next one", "Today I want to learn pushing", "Today I want to go down that hill". All progressive risks. All pushing the boundaries of what you feel comfortable doing. All requiring A or B from earlier to disarm your survival instincts and let you skate comfortably. Every step forward, every progression, leads to new opportunities, new barriers, and new levels of comfort. This is very visible in skating, it's really the core of skating, I think. It's a purely creative sport. You don't see a lot of skateboard races, though I'm sure people do it.

Can you apply this lesson that skating displays so clearly to... art? Yep. Get over "I can't draw that" and go try it 20 times. And ask questions about what you're doing wrong every time. And listen to the answers and try to understand them. You will improve. That's how it works. Same with an instrument. Play. Try. Listen to what you did, get a recap, take notes, make tweaks, try again. It's a very valuable life skill, it applies to everything really.

For me, I need to use it with social anxieties. And I'm struggling a lot because they were already very powerful, and they are just saturated with both past and recent trauma. So... once trauma and social anxiety mix, shit gets a bit rough for me. So productivity is nice, accomplishment is nice, things are going great work-wise right now. But I really need to make sure I make time for Calmness. Stillness. Peace. Focus. Meditation. I should start another mandala soon. And listen to music while doing it. Or at least a geometric design. And guess what. That's exactly where I'm at in the hoodie! I got the crow done today. It looks sick. I'm very happy with it. Next I'm going to do a geometric background under it... so... I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I was thinking several overlapping mandalas, like flowers kinda. I think it could work. But another part of me wants to do a uniform tessellation. Idk, I guess I'll do some sketches tomorrow or something. This hoodie is getting less and less stream-of-consciousness as I go along, and that's okay. I just need to keep momentum with it.

Oh, and I had a good idea for these clothes. I've been really worried about clothes fading... like the medium and the design fading over time with wear and tear and washing and stuff. Well... I mean... if I'm treating the rest of the process like tattoos, why the fuck am I not treating that part like tattoos? Tattoos fade. Like... duh... I think I should offer touch-ups. Just like I would for a tattoo. Like offer a deal on it, but still charge. And if you're a regular, like you have 3 pieces of clothing by me or something? Then I'll do it on the house. Or if it's a small simple piece, of course. But if I'm putting like 10+ hours or like multiple sessions into reinking your clothes... I mean I'm basically just drawing it like a 4th time... so... I'm sorry, I want to be cool, but I'm gonna have to charge for that. It's tedious work and the ink isn't free. But I think this could take a lot of the pressure off to get it perfect the first time, and reduce the pressure of absolute permanence too.

Super excited with how things are progressing. I still have to figure out calling this car guy and guess what. It's 8 in the fucking morning again.

I'm going to sleep.

[toontowncreepypasta]

did talk

one of the reasons why i never ever thought i had did or any kind of dissociative disorder is because the way people describe “talking” to alters and inner communication and a headspace is. soooo fictionalized. i don’t think any of the stuff i’ve read about “inner worlds” or whatever are anything past an imaginary coping mechanism. which works well!! i use it too!! but it’s definetly not at all what i thought it was when i saw people talking about it. “Communication” is less having discussions which i thought it was and more trying to get in touch with parts of yourself that are causing problems to come to a compromise. how to balance things like interests and likes and coping mechanisms and how much we do one thing and how we do another and how to communicate memories between one front to another. there is no face to face communication in my case. there is no imaginary inner world or a place where alters “go” when anothers fronting. it’s more akin to memory loss from blacking outy. it’s not like its happening to someone else who isn’t me, it’s happening to me in a state that i wont remember it. thats what it feels like too. “states” of being. “modes” of existing in. and all the modes have extremely different end goals/wants/interests.

i dont know. a lot of it was very fictionalized and mystical sounding to me when in reality its just kind of. i dont know. boring? mundane? normal?

things like “going dormant” make a lot more sense to me when thought about in the way of “this alter isn’t applicable in your life anymore” because there’s no reason for that “mode” to come out, or has been replaced with something else that does that mode more successfully? i think a lot of it seperates itself from the literal of what’s happening and more into the metaphorical/imaginative paart of what’s happening and while thats absolutely ok and not a problem, its made it extremely hard for me to navigate bc i dont think like that. i rlly dont like the words system or alters or whatever bc they feel just so.... .soooooo............ inhuman. but this is a human condition :(

[themultiplestarsystem]

Was going to do a post on endogenic systems and then I couldn't articulate my thoughts and also that doesn't seem like any of my business

[thecirculararchive]

Do you have any, like, lists to misinfo endos spread that can hurt OSDDID systems? I consider myself endo neutral but I kinda wanna do like…a sweep of our thoughts about our system to make sure we’re not carrying anything dangerous, if that makes sense.

Hoo boy.

First off: Anyone in the communities, please feel free to reblog with your own examples. I'm just gonna go off what I've experienced / know about. Also, fair warning, some of this list may be references to trauma.

Malicitors aren't a thing. That's the "evil alter" brand of Persecutors, and it demonizes them to call them Malicitors.

No, switches in OSDD/DID do not always come with energy boosts. I believed this wholeheartedly when I joined pro-endo communities, and crashed my car thinking I would be able to stay awake while driving if I just switched enough.

System hopping is a manipulation tactic, full stop. It is not possible. Alters are dissociated parts of one personality; one brain. Those parts can't hop over brains!!!!

DID/OSDD only form due to childhood trauma. The DSM does not have this as diagnostic criteria due to the fact that they would have to literally traumatize children to get a 100% certainty of if childhood trauma is the only cause. Please, endos and pro-endos, stop saying DID/OSDD is not trauma based.

Gaslighting is a term used by many endos and pro-endos to refer to anti-endo discussions. Gaslighting is not the proper word to use any of the times I've seen it used in these discussions. Gaslighting happens over an extended period of time by someone who holds power over you - not a minor on tumblr who called you a cunt.

System is meant to mean System of Dissociated Parts. The language was used by DID Systems before Endogenics co-opted the language. "But system means many other things!" Jesus Christ, I'm not talking about a goddamn computer operating system rn. Stop trying to twist traumatized peoples words to make it seem like we were talking about fucking Windows EP or IFS Therapy.

Disorder means so much more than distress. Many endogenics just want to boil down having a disorder to Always Suffering All The Time. This just, frankly, isn't true in the slightest.

No, hallucinations are not alters. Please seek help for your hallucinations if they are causing you trouble in life.

Systemhood is not an identity. You can not "identify" as a disorder.

System Accountability is a GOOD thing. No, it is not "leashing your alters" to tell them to stop harassing people. Alters are part of you; you (as a whole) need to take accountability for those actions.

The idea of natural multiplicity was popularized through ableist movements to demedicalize OSDD/DID. PluralDeepDive is a great resource to learn more about this topic.

Fictives are not their source. Dating someone from your source just because you dated in source is a bad thing.

Dormancy is not death. Alters do not die.

Switches can be controlled, in some systems (not all), to some degree (not always). This isn't an endogenic thing.

You can learn about your DID as a child. Some people on my blog have even been diagnosed as young as 12 and 13. This does not make you endogenic.

Not remembering your trauma does not make you endogenic.

Good lord I think that's all I can handle for right now. This was exhausting...