#i've never felt so fucking alone. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mare-the-silly-scroingle · 2 years ago

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i want my girlfriend to come home but i don’t think i even know who she is

#looking at photos of her like wow. that's a stranger. that is not someone i know #maybe that's a sign that i should call it quits because God knows what kind of relevations she must be having out there #but i won't do that because this time i need her to be the one to call it off #she says she's in love with me but i don't think she knows what that means #i don't think i know who she is at all. so she can say whatever the fuck she wants i guess but.#i take it back i don't think i want her to come home anymore.#she's with my ex on this trip at least and. i don't think i want to see either of them #my ex and i are done right like that's my best friend but also. y'know. i think we got our ending #i wish i didn't recognize her but i do. that's the only fucking thing i learned how to do #the entire time i dated her was just. knowing who she was. being able to say that i knew her.#well i fucking know her. i did what i had to do.#if you and your best friend talk less than she does to your girlfriend then there's probably a reason #and if something were to happen to me right now my best friend would never know #but it's my gf's first relationship so we're playing it straight. i'm doing things right.#i've never felt so fucking alone.

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melit0n · 16 days ago

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Give me five whole minutes.

Credits: Me

#I sobbed like a baby during Missing Limbs but I didn't expect the end of Euclid to catch me so bad #but hearing that line. hearing that *song* that has constantly ran rampant in my mind. That I've held so close to my chest? Amazing #absolutely fucking amazing #let alone getting to sing it along with 20k other people #the Espera sounded gorgeous Vessel sounded gorgeous and ii iii and IV played wonderfully well #(about to be a bit vunerable so bear with me)#I said in one of my other posts that 'I think my soul came out of my body for a bit' and I mean that whole heartedly. because this is where #call it an extreme reaction but I felt all my blood go out of my fingers and just this. humungous weight peeling itself off of my shoulders #I jokingly call myself a cockroach a lot because I tend to have bitterly bad luck and just try my best to get back up after it and this jus #I'm describing as I go and it's the hardest thing to illustrate #I felt welcomed. like the warm feeling when you come home and the heatings on in Winter #never will I ever fully be able to execute the thanks I have for what this band has done for me #for what you guys in this community have done for me #this felt like a peak and I think I'll forever being going upwards from here. this and you guys have made the climb so much easier #perhaps the appropriate time to simply say 'worship'#mel's rambles #mel's photos #sleep token #st #teeth of god tour #tog tour #vessel #vessel sleep token #euclid #song euclid #tmbte #sleep token tmbte #take me back to eden #+ again. kindly ignore me crying and singing

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fuckyeah-bears · 1 year ago

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i genuinely feel so sick. i want to take a break from bearotonin. it all just seems so fucking meaningless right now. bear photos aren't going to make this genocide stop. and they're not going to make people suddenly care enough about palestinian people to actually give a shit and do something. it just feels so pointless and fake. like posting dumb bear photos matters at all when there's a genocide happening before our eyes and not only do most people not give a shit (or are even supporting it) but most of our governments either outright endorse it or are actively funding it.

maybe i'll feel differently in the morning, but right now i just want to put bearotonin on hiatus until the world decides to actually fucking do something to stop this.

please people, please. pick up your fucking phones and call your government officials and leaders. send them emails. send them faxes. write op-eds. send out email blasts. scream it at the top of your lungs. demand your government takes action to support palestine and stop endorsing and funding israel's genocide. please. just. fucking. do. something. please.

Free Palestine 🇵🇸

#i am utterly sick to my stomach #i have never felt so sickened and heartbroken in my entire life #there are no fucking words for this #none #the amount of racism and islamophobia i've seen just today alone #how can people not care?#how can people be okay with this?#how can they not speak up and do something?#i cannot comprehend the level of evil and hypocrisy #free palestine 🇵🇸#free palestine #palestine #gaza #not bears

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orionsangel86 · 8 months ago

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.

#I know this is gonna come across as a bit pathetic #but I was already feeling a bit untethered today #wondering if I actually have a purpose here #ever since I came back to tumblr after my 4 month break I've felt very alone here #it feels a bit like everyone moved on without me #and I dunno i guess I hoped I'd be able to dive right back in again and just start engaging and enjoying it #but honestly I have been plagued with anxiety and intrusive thoughts about not being wanted #and the last thing I needed was some asshole anon #I'm already wondering if people are finding my event annoying #like maybe i should just shut up and quit #but I really fucking like doing this stuff I just wish I didn't feel so isolated #I'm being stupid i know #you should never trust how you feel about yourself after 9pm #but bleurgh its a horrible feeling #shut up saz

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thetardisisnotourdivision · 2 months ago

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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?

I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.

#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL #I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare #But yeah my little Ellie #And she never fuckin existed #I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking #“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING #idk man it's insane #From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly #And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream #A very very real one #For the record I don't think Ellie had a father #I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned #Might have been IVF now I think about it #That would make more sense #dream #weird dreams #Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief #one time i dreamt #Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense #The most dream of all time #Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah

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auphelia · 1 month ago

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#tw vent #ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going #i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere #i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary #school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this #i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better #and here i am six years later and just as miserable #except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out #and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like #at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life #i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them #i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird #i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule #i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen #i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone #it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger #i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself #because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me #i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it #how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts #but i guess i'll persevere #my cat needs me to #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm

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crabussy · 2 years ago

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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy

#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen #hi guys #got another load of trauma from school #and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now #had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way #I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much #I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM #I have no adults I can go to about this #whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind #whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears #she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly #when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt #the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you #I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her #the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities #I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since #vent tw #trauma tw #listen to my gibberish boy #ggod I hate this school

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seaofreverie · 3 months ago

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First day back at the university and I still suck at this exactly as much as I did 4 years ago

#i wish doing something over and over actually made it easier from then on #how come i've done this so many times and i'm still as horrified by the prospect of group projects and exams and all as in the very start #can they invent a higher education that doesn't require you to prepare a group project for every damn subject that exists #can they also invent an intercating with people #in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like the only person on earth who somehow doesn't get it #how do people just start talking and becoming friends :( it's literally impossible for me #it's such a mystery. how the hell do they all do this. what's your fucking secret !!!!!!!!!#not that i expected to become friends with anyone in one day #but one day was already enough for me to start feeling as alienated and othered from everyone else as i've always felt #like god it's always the same damn thing. each year i hope it'll be different and it's still the fucking same #i try to appear nice and approachable and chime in to the conversation whenever i can (just like i've been doing for the past 4 years)#but i guess there must just be something deeply wrong with me that makes everyone avoid me in the end anyway #am i really that unfriendable. can anyone tell me what i'm doing wrong #and why no one is interested in holding a conversation with me for more than 5 minutes in total #it's literally back to the same thing that i've done over and over before and i truly don't see any point in any of this anymore #it's just so ridiculous 😭😭😭 why do i even keep trying at this point #back to school so back to crying alone in my room every evening i guess #how beautiful how poetic. i almost forgot this was the daily standard for the entire past year #never getting out of this ok i get it :))#friendship was meant to be for everyone but me i get it now!!!#worst year ever everything bad is happening. going to my first funeral on thursday i'm definitely going to take that well hahaha #it's been only a day and i'm already so done. ok.#i'm freaking out man what am i even supposed to be doing anymore. it's all pointless

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bibiana112 · 11 months ago

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fuck waiting until friday to get my cardio appointment actually

#that's fucking it tomorrow is exactly a month since I've had this I'm going to the fucking hospital #I didn't know heart attacks aren't all sudden and sometimes have weeks of ongoing signs beforehand fuck that #I can't eat I'm too busy crying not entirely out of physical pain but also I never felt so lightheaded while crying this little #I hate my parents I hate how they believe family is the most important thing in the world but if I'm scared I'm just supposed to deal with #it on my own because they'll never bother to understand me I hate that I'm alone if my roomie was already back #she'd have helped me go the first night I felt something wrong #why do I always have to do everything I'm so tired #i love alexythymia i love so much neglect growing up that I can't understand my needs physical or emocional and just have to endure it #I love you dead is the new alive that started playing on the other room rn really comforting #delete later

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sagittariangirl27 · 11 months ago

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This reminds me of one of my first tumblrs. I started with erotic art, and ended up finding myself. I will be back here soon.

#ok a couple things #not scrolling yet #because I don't wanna get sad #BUT #well for one everything looks like a penis to me right now omggg #I have used my vibe a couple times but mostly I just sit in the feeling #also #I fucking forget how much I LOVE this industry until I get back into it #why do I DO this!?#I just got my boudoir photos back #they are so good #we slapped that shit together and I was a hot mess and they still look fantastic #it's really cool that we used the vintage camera and that they were developed by hand #I've almost gotten to the excited anticipation stage #I've never felt this disconnected #I wonder if my telepathy worked #lol #I am doing all of the things #because I know that's what he would want me to do #and for me too #but fuck I miss that man more than anything #I have really learned to be truly alone #good news is I like myself #so that's cool #bad news is that I need to feel like a hot girl again #that's only bad news because do you know how much work it takes to be a hot girl!?#but it's my favorite thing to do in the world #I have come full circle back to self 🧘🏼‍♀️💋

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katsy-kitty · 7 months ago

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the child inside me that's hurting wants ART

the child wants me to create art

to express myself

to be creative

and so I wrote a poem and tried to write another one but failed because I wanted it to have a nice rhythm but it was too complex of a task for me

but like

I'm not giving up on that

I'm not giving up on that child

child, please know that I care about you and I REMEMBER YOU

you're not alone anymore

but I'm finding it hard to take care of myself oftentimes so I won't be the best guardian and friend all the time

(do you even need a guardian, Child? you seem pretty self-reliant. but maybe that's because you had to be)

I'm learning

we'll get there one day

and maybe you won't be sad all the time anymore

or maybe you will be

and that's fine too

I've come to terms with accepting the sadness to be eternal

if it turns out to be

I'm ready for both outcomes

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bananararama-hasmoved · 7 months ago

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Wanted to infodump to my friend about the selfship lore I'm making but I forgot that could involve breaking the news to him about me not being an anti anymore. I don't want to break his heart like that :(